Trisha on Ethan Klein's Lies, Getting Dumped by Jason Nash & Shane Dawson's Betrayal... | Just Trish

Everyone was coming out of the woodwork, so obviously I was still getting canceled, harassed, but I'd be going to call it from, obviously, the H3 podcast was still coming from me, constantly. Jason was on Howie Mandel being like, Trisha crashed my car into the house. When you talk about Shane, you talk about instantly like having a crush on him and stuff, is it just because it was a man who was like, give spending time with you? Oh yeah. Oh, Shane to me was like, my boyfriend. Like I was like, he's cheating on me. So with me, because we would be together all the time. Welcome to Crying on the Kitchen Floor Day. Today is November 10th. Right? Is November 10th the Tuesday? Yeah. November 10th. My memoir Crying on Kitchen Floor is available now everywhere. It's published. I'm a published author, you guys. My life story is out there. And when you see this, I will be on my book tour. I think I'll be in New York. Signing books. You need dominoes. That'd be great. It's going to be great. I'm really excited about it. Really a nervous. Oh my gosh, my book has been two years in the making. Everything's okay. Two years in the making. Really 38 years in the making. That's really what this book is. My life story. Today I am joined by an amazing journalist, moderator today. That's kind of what you're giving. I really was like Oscar time to produce time to make something out of this, because obviously, I'll be gone. Watch a big hot topic breaks. And then we just come up with this on the Tuesday. Everyone's like, "Trish, what about this stuff?" So we do have to pre-film these because I will be on my book tour, but we thought to do a little in depth Crying on the Kitchen Floor. If you don't know, Oscar already did his review on Oscar. He was one of the first reviews out there of the book. Oscar Gracie Vlogs. Yeah. Did a full in depth. Was that your in depth or were you going to do a part two? You said you were going to do like a generic. I haven't watched it yet. So I filmed for an hour. I reviewed it for an hour, and then I was like, "Oh, I gotta cut this down." So ended up being like an 18-minute review. Yeah. So it's so pretty long. Where's all the last footage? I just kept talking in circles as I do, you know? So I know for if it was you filming it, you wouldn't post it at all. Yeah. That's crazy that you didn't. Oh my god. I just gave it to us for our Patreon. We need to post that on a filtered raw review. Well, I appreciate you posting it and reading it first. You read it in its entirety. Yes, I read it in its entirety. You gave us to me about like two, two, three weeks ago. I did finish it in like a week, and I would have finished it faster, but I was reading at night, and then I did have to go to sleep at some point, you know? Right. So it's hard to put that book down. Yes. You know, it really was hard to put it down because it was so good. I said this in my video too, but I don't know what I was expecting because, you know, we reviewed past books of yours, literary works of yours on our Patreon and stuff, and you are, you know, a self-published author in the past. Yes. So it was, I didn't know. I didn't know which way I could go. You know, obviously support of Bestie. Either way, I was going to love it, but it actually is a good book. Like it is genuine. Good book. There is a lot of humor. There's a lot of heart. There's a lot of emotion, and it is an emotional rollercoaster. It is definitely an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. Yes. I'm very, very proud. Yeah. On that note, like, I've always considered myself like a good writer. Like I feel like early on, like people always tell me that's like a good writer, but like writing books is like this whole other beast. Obviously, I did self-publish like 10 books that I wrote me on, and it can be a little like chaotic, especially with the way I think it's like that. So on this book, not only did I have a Grand Central Publishing, which is like one of my favorite. It was like the first meeting I took for a publishing company, and I was like done and done. My UK publishers are Simon's Schuster. So like good hands for sure, because also people just got me. So like obviously my editor, Jackie, like she, she would say, like I came to Raiders in a musical, like I was a fan. Like all that stuff was like really important to me, because then when I try to work with like other collaborators that didn't know me or didn't get me, maybe they worked on like real housewife books or something like that, but they didn't get me. It just didn't like mesh well. So I had to really find people that like knew me, was fans of me, like knew me, knew my voice, knew all that stuff like that, because we spent lots of time together. Like I probably spent hours and hours and hours every week, like for two years, like talking to everybody, that was involved, my agent T over at CAA and stuff like that, just really trying to get what I want to say and everything like that. And I think it worked out really great and formatted well, because you know when I started this memoir, I started it actually like five years ago when Malibu was born. I would stay up at night and like type out my memoir and it would just be because like again, formatting a book is very different than like formatting just your thoughts, your journal. I think I am like a good writer that way, but it was just like really just like run on sentences all of some of that. My original idea for this memoir was to write it as like from a character point of view and not me. I was like, I can't fully be honest as myself. So I was like my initial memoir that I would send out to everybody like any collaborator that was going to help me write this. I had a really great one named Alex. He was really great and he kind of helped me like decide for all my thoughts in my writing, because I have like a creek, I had just like a crazy transcript. And it was kind of all over the place. He's like, who is, I think her name was Tasha. I think I was like writing like, hey guys, Tasha. Okay, the Gossip Girl tease. It was giving that. So I was writing as if it wasn't me because I don't want to get sued because I just was going to like self-publish a memoir like I was like, I'm just going to self-publish everything. I need to say whatever. I'm like, thank God I got publishers, but thank God I got publishers because that would have been a crazy, I don't know, crazy memoir that a lot of stuff nobody cares about. So yeah, I'm very, I'm very happy with it. I'm very proud of it. And yeah, I think I think also just like putting it out, like out for everyone to see. I think I said right before here, like I was, I was like most nervous actually about like my childhood, because like I think in your video you talked about like the stories I talked about. And it's like, yes, stories people have heard and you kind of phrased it nicely, where you're just like, but like what I thought about it, the reaction that kind of stuff like that, like I feel is very different. I feel like there's some new stories in there. I feel like a lot early on, like we mentioned before, like I think the childhood stuff is like, stuff I didn't think anybody would care about, but the more I keep doing interviews, the more people are asking about it, the Hollywood era, like before I was on YouTube, but before I was like really sharing my life on YouTube, I think that's interesting that people like that. I don't know, I guess it's just certain stories that you think like nothing of like being kidnapped in a basement. Like I really didn't think anything of it, because I didn't feel like a kidnapping, it really just felt like I'll go in the basement, like walked me in there for a couple of days, like I didn't feel, but then like when you retell the story, I did the policy Bronson when I was like walking him through like a kidnapping, and he at the end he was just like, oh my god, I don't think I've ever been walked through an abduction before. And I was like, oh my god, is that what had just happened? Like you know, you just kind of don't know until you, so I am nervous because the day is the day that it is out, so all the reviews will be published today. I am nervous to see what people will say, especially because a lot of book reviewers will get these books, and maybe they're not even a fan of mine, or they don't even know that much about me, or something, so it's always a little scary, because obviously I think my fans will like it. The people who are just picking this book up randomly as memoirs. I mean, there were so many people professionals that worked with you, let's say when you record the audio book, there were people that are just working. Yeah. But they were so enchanted by just hearing you, and like how funny it is, how interesting it is, the story. Yeah, that gives me confidence. I'm worried about you listening to it too, actually. I don't even think I thought about my mom, my dad, because I love my mom and dad. I'm very close with them now, so I'm always like, but I gotta be honest. And that was like, that was another reason I want to work with a collaborator, because obviously I'd never mentioned my childhood before, and he's just like, but you might have to like say all that to like people understand who you are as a person or everything. So there's, you know, stuff in there that I think maybe could be embarrassing or something to my parents or something like that, but it was, I only kept what could like help the story move along, like show what shaped me, I guess, if that makes sense for better or worse. But with you, I'm nervous, because I know you are nervous about me writing a book, because you're like, it's so hard. Like when someone tells, obviously, you guys see on the podcast, we have different perspectives of life. We could have it on our Patreon. We just filmed, we were talking about a conversation. And the way I perceived it versus how Moses meant it to be was, it's very different. Sometimes, especially our first meetings and stuff like that, I perceive differently. Yeah, that's why I knew I just have to step aside and be completely not involved or aware of anything happening. So I don't buy even mistake or impulse into fear. Yeah. Yeah, you were very silent. And then if it's really bad, I'll just have to write my own book, but aside of that. Is it really bad? I don't know. Your robot. Our memories of events at the beginning are probably very different. Because also I always say memories. I think different perceptions. Moses will sometimes you tell people like love at first sight. And I'm like, well, that's kind of crazy without that. Like, I mean, but maybe you did. And I'm not taking that away from you. I'm talking about myself. You think that you had love at first sight for me? I would think not. Well, I had a very strong connection. Otherwise, I would you don't know me. Otherwise, it would not be around at all. I would walk away after the first time meeting you. That's usually what I would do. You were very magnetic or maybe I was magnetic or we were magnetic for each other. I say that too. I say that too. Not to spoil the book or anything. I do say that I also felt we were pulled back together so many times. Yeah, it was like something else. A past life or something else, you know, was involved. Yeah. But all I'm saying is like, I was 100% sober. So I remember my and I don't know, you know, like how clear your memory was. Oh, I think it's pretty clear. Perception could be different. But by memory, weirdly, I talk about, let's start at the very beginning of the book, because saying like I'm an unreliable narrator. And I've seen some people that take this and be like, oh, this is just her way of prepping the book being like, there could be lies in here. I don't know. I will say I started out my book that way because I felt that I was like oh I don't remember things and I don't I don't remember, but as I wrote the book, I was like, I remember things quite clearly. Like more clearly than most people will give me credit for. And especially if I had emails, text, videos, obviously now logical thinking, like I'm just like, whereas the receipts for this, you know what I mean? So like, I actually by the end of the book, I can not to spoil it. I was like, wait, I kind of remember a lot actually. And I think like, there's just associating for sure and there's stuff that I don't talk about like buried down. And it's like, okay, I really have like, think through to remember. But I even tone down that a lot at the beginning of the book too. I tone down a lot of like vivid memories that came back. And I was just like, let me tone that down because I don't want it to be too graphic or anything like that. But I ended up remembering a lot. So even at the beginning, I just call myself an unreliable narrator. In fact, very reliable. So much so. I went through two rounds of legal with here in the UK and the UK is very strict. And I was able to pass all of it. And if there was something that I couldn't verify or find proof of, they were like, let's just take it out. And I was like, all right, period. So I feel very confident in my story. - Can you start with too? Like when did this kind of come about? 'Cause I know even when we first started the podcast, you talked about like how most of us would go to sleep and then you would like work on your memoir and stuff. But when did like you start meeting with like publishers? Did you already have the title in mind when you were meeting with them or did that come later on? - Oh my god, Oscar, you're so good. You were so good. Like honestly, damn, you really should just be an interviewer. You were so good. This is why I was so happy to have you. I mean, you're always so good, but like, this is what I needed, 'cause like, I don't know, you know me, I should be rambling here for two hours straight, if it wasn't for you. Yeah, so, well yeah, I did my self published memoir when I was like 24 and, you know, I don't know, I like talking about myself, but I feel like in writing in books, I feel like it's like so concrete. It's so like, I don't know why people take like when you write a book, they take you seriously and they take the content of it seriously. I don't know, I think like books are just, when you write a book, you're just like, respected in a different way. So, that was always my goal with the first books. But with this one, it was after I had Malibu, we didn't have anything going on. We didn't have the podcast. I was doing my ASMR, my cooking channels, but I was just like, damn, I really like wanna tell my side of so many stories. I think like 2022 specifically, everyone was coming out of the woodwork. So obviously, I was still getting canceled, harassed what I would wanna call it from, obviously the H3 podcast was still coming from me constantly. Jason was on how we mandal being like, trash or crashed my car into the house. And so that was my first thing where I was like, okay, like I know this was told to me, but now you're like saying it as fact on this podcast. So then I was like, let me, so that's why I wanted to tell it from a character point of view because I'm like, just in case I can't remember all the facts, let me tell it from a character just in case. And then I started remembering more and I was like, I really would love to just say my piece, and I thought after I gave birth to Malibu too, I was obviously, go here, obviously I was sober for, I gave like two years at that point. I took my last pill in 2020, December 2020. So I was like, so over two years. So I felt very clear headed and I was like, I really wanna tell the story. And again, I thought people took it more seriously if it was in book form because no one wanted to hear from me in 2022, you know, I was sitting, having Starbucks in like in my car and no one cared or whatever. So I was like, God, how do I tell this story and people are like, listen, also just for me, I thought maybe I just wanna tell like all my like, truths out there. And then I kind of paused it. And we were trying everything else. I don't know. And I was like, let me just at nighttime, I was up. So I was like, let me just try and write this. My original title, I think I talked about it. I talked about my original title. - I don't think we talked about your titles. - Yeah, I saw my original title. Like hindsight, like I'm glad I didn't go with this, but like it really was like, I was gonna like, live or die by this title. I think I see a cover first, but it was a confessions of a middle-aged drama queen. And then I was gonna be confessions of a form of middle-aged drama and then I got really long and got really perplexed. But I wanted all the little little in Z-Low-Han like faces. - Oh, like the poster. - But nobody really liked that. But there was before even I was talking to publishers, but my original transcript, my manuscript that I wrote for that one. Yeah, that was like the original. 'Cause I was trying to also look, talk it in like a healing perspective. I was gonna be like, you know what? I should have done differently. This book is not really written like that, even though I talk about how I feel. I'm never, I was more apologetic in my first manuscript. I was very much like confessions of a form and middle-aged drama queen. And like what I don't think now, that was so wrong. And I was really like chastising myself a lot where I feel like in this one, I feel a little vindicated sometimes with my outbursts that I did to some people. Sometimes I feel bad, but then sometimes I'm like, I kind of am a little relentless on certain people. - Yeah. - Which I'm glad I am glad I'm able to do because back then I was very much more apologetic to people. And then when I saw specifically the clip of Jason talking about me crushing his car with how I mean that was kind of like, I don't know. Then I was like a little more like, mm, no, no, no. Like I let people like definitely take advantage of my like, obviously being mentally unwell and not remembering things. But like I also let people take advantage of like just me being silenced and me being like, yeah, I was crazy. I'm so sorry. I wish I would have done that. Cause I think I've done apology videos to even David Dober. I think I was like, I'm so sorry. Like I think I've done those apologies. And I was like, I was kind of done doing that. I was like, okay, I apologize to so many people. And I get like nothing back into what even cares. And I was like, am I sorry? Half the time, no. - Yeah, it is such like a fine line of balance because obviously you want to like, a tone for some things, but you don't also want to like lay down and then be the scapegoat still. Cause that's kind of the recurring theme throughout the book is that like you degrade yourself. Like when you were younger, so then when you're in these like older relationships, it's easy for people to degrade you, especially like I think of the David Dober vlog squad version of Trisha, it was like the butt of the jokes and very much like dehumanizing yourself. Cause that's just the character that you could tap into and play. And still even though you're healed, part of that is like, yeah, just taking the lashings, but you do also have the balance that was standing up for yourself and also testifying. No, like I am wrong in some certain situations, but I'm also right in certain situations. And I think that's why like, I don't know, I was very much intrigued the whole time. I was reading it because there is like a moral nuance to it. Like there's such a gray area with the morality, where it's like, it's almost like a crime scene where like you have the end, but working reverse. Like we have the, we have the solution. We have what actually happened. And then we have to find the strings to go back and see like how the, how did we get to here, you know? Oh my God, that's a good analogy. That's kind of how I felt about it when I was reading it the whole time. Because luckily, happy ending here, but yeah, working our way back. It's like, damn, it was really dicey here in there, you know? So yeah, that's I, no, I appreciate that too, because that's like my, there's always we want to know a theme or take away. And like I, you know, I was like, I hope poor inspiration, but then I realized, yeah, the main thing was like this, I had no self worth, I had zero self worth. And you can kind of see it deteriorate throughout the book, obviously like that, because I didn't always start out that way. Obviously I had the delusion that I wanted to be like famous. And I thought I should have bigger and better things like waiting for me and stuff like that. So I always had that in me. And then I got diminished along the way. And then yeah, I just, we seen it online. And I showed in the book like I had zero self respect for myself when I talk about all the sex work that I did and all this like that. And it's like I was, I was like, I was doing like the worst of the worst and stuff like that. And I think it was 'cause I had just like low, oh, I know what was, 'cause I had just zero self worth. So like anything I did was just like a shell at myself. And yeah, in the book, I'm definitely take accountability. I definitely am like saying all the crazy shit I did, you know, and it's like, yeah, I didn't crash my car into your living room. Like you said, maybe I like pretended to be dead so you'd come outside in the pool, but I wasn't like harming anyone's like in the house or something, you know what I mean? So it's like I, I definitely will like take accountability for everything that I did do in these situations, but I definitely not gonna just like let people just like spin their own narrative, which is what has happened for so long, which is why I was like, I'm just so crazy, I'm just that, it's like that's absolutely not true. And so I thought that was like really important. And then when we're going back to the title, like I, then I signed with my publisher, it was cool, it was cool. When I was doing this whole like book process, like the first step is a proposal. And I would work with a couple different people 'cause proposals are so difficult onto itself. Like you know Moses, 'cause you were trying like Moses is working a book when I met him. And so like did you pay someone to do a proposal for you? - A book proposal. - A book proposal. So like you usually pay someone to do a proposal because it's like a crazy format. Like it's, you know, you give this a nopsist, then you usually have to give like a chapter, you give like a table of contents. Like it's, it's really difficult to do. Like you have to be a really like a steamed writer to like do this. - Like the demographics, like why would, why would people like this, right? Like what? - Yeah. - So to show like people's interest with water. Like I think, you know, so in this case, you know, this is your demographic, your statistics. - Right, well then you get the statistics too. You have to give them like, you know, all that stuff like that, but it's like this whole thing. And it takes like a loan, a book proposal. It can cost thousands of dollars if you want to write one. If you're trying to get a publisher, obviously if you sell a publisher, you don't need one. Even about this, obviously CAA helped me find somebody. But then I, you know, I paid that person to do the proposal for me and that process alone, I probably went through three or four different, I've got three or four different collaborators for that. And it just like, and thank God, I have a really good book. I turned into Tia and like thank God she was with me every step of the way, because I'm very much, I stopped doing this even now. I'm very much like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. Like I don't even know. Just you know what I mean? Just whatever, I'm just so stupid at this stuff. Like you guys, like, you know, and certain things I am like editing. Obviously I'm not gonna give Jimmy editing notes and stuff like that. But also with the book writing, it's intimidating. So I'm just like, well, it seems fine. And they've done memoirs. So I'm just gonna trust them. And then luckily Tia, who's done, worked on so many memoirs. He's like, no, this is like not it. This is not the voice. 'Cause I worked with a lot of people too that kind of either didn't know anything about me or saw me at surface level from videos, and they would kind of portray me as like one thing. And Tia's like, no, it's like so much deeper than this. So I went through a lot of that. And then when I found Alex, one of my collaborators, he helped me write this amazing proposal. And then I realized, okay, this is the first time I'm gonna do my book with. And then, so then we get the, we got, right before I gave birth to Aquaman, like three weeks before I got meetings set up. And we probably had like eight or nine with all the major publishing houses. And it just so happened that Grand Central was the first and they had just done Sheena Shea's memoirs. more and stuff like that. I don't know. They did a lot of female memoirs and then I just like loved Jackie, my editor. And then there was like 10 other people and they were all like these girls who just like, I don't know, it just felt so good after so long of people. Oh my gosh, it's like so getting into the weeds at this. But when we first started the podcast, like not to get like two in the weeds, but like when we first started this podcast, we had a company that was like helping us get ads. And I just remember them. And this was like right around the book time too. And I just remember them telling me like, I was trying to get away, like separate from them because we just weren't getting ads. We literally went like three months without ads. And I was just like, this seems odd because we did really well in our first shares. It's kind of how we don't get ads. And they like wouldn't let like they were like really not trying to get me out of this contract, which is crazy because they weren't even making money. So I was so confused. And they were just like, well, you should be happy. We even take you because people like it's embarrassing to say we have you like the Just Trish podcast when we go to meetings like they'd be like, we'd be in New York saying next to the people and like, oh my god, you work with Trisha. Like that's so embarrassing. Like, why would you like then they told us that. I remember it too. Well, I think they made it up to they were just nasty. Like I think they literally, which is even crazier than if they made it up. I was like, yeah, there's the way to negotiate is to make you feel bad about it. Like nobody wants you. Everyone thinks the podcast embarrassing. The podcast was killing it. This was like six months into the podcast. We're getting great numbers and I was like, okay, so let me go then like if I have to take a busier behavior when you want to break up and they're like, oh, nobody wants you. Nobody will want you. It was that was awful. So I was like coming off the the bat, which made me feel bad either way of whether it was like true or not. And so it was just so nice to be with Grant Central. And they were just like all so excited and so excited. And he is like, they really want you like, they want to put like an offer right away. Like just not take any more meetings. Yeah. Because I remember when you came off the call, you were so ecstatic. Yeah. They were so supportive. They were so nice. They got it. They were just so nice about it. They were like so excited. And we literally had eight called. Yeah. scheduled with other. That week before it was like three weeks before I was going to birth and then that week before publishers closed out in July. So it's like the end of June. And it was like and so I was so excited. And I went to like, they're so excited. They don't even want to take you to anyone else. And I was like, oh my gosh. So this was meant to be. So it was like meant to be. Then I got that, which was like really exciting. And then we didn't take any more calls. Yeah. This is it. That was it. Love them. And it's been the best ever. I can't wait. I can't wait to go meet them when I'm in New York because we do a lot of Zoom calls. But I guess we meet them when we're in New York, which is really exciting. And the fact that they already come to my shows and stuff like obviously they didn't know, you know, that I was even writing a book. I don't think I don't anyways, they were they were already there. So that was really cool. And then so then yeah, the title comes in. We take us I had like the I had like a manuscript that I wrote and then I worked with Alex a lot throughout the six months to kind of like, you know, fine two things and kind of make it format into a book and stuff like that. And that was really great and pulled more out of me from like childhood and stuff. It was it was great. But then the title comes when you're kind of towards the end almost like it's kind of like you need the title and the cover, which was shot last December. And so the title is the big one because they kind of brainstorm. They give you like CAA has their opinion and then Grand Central has their opinion and then Alex has an opinion and then like me, I have my opinion. So we're all like all submitting all the stuff. And they remember one of the original titles was supposed to be, you know what? And again, I am someone who just like goes with the flow. I'm like, you guys know better than me. Like I don't know. You know what I mean? And they have actually do this for a living. But there was a lot of titles. And I remember they really liked the book of Trish, which I thought was kind of I was like, okay, like book of Mormon. But then Charlie Sheen came out with Book of Sheen like literally a month later and then they're like maybe not that. I thought it was kind of funny. I was trying to picture it because you know, I just kind of go along. I can't even visualize anything. I was like book of Trish. I'm like, okay, I kind of love that's kind of like Coltie religion, I guess. I don't know. It's kind of like cool thing. But then I was like, but anyways, it didn't work out. So yeah, and then they just brainstormed. And this was actually on a brainstorm list. It wasn't on even my list. I didn't even like think about it. But what's crazy is I guess I did think about it because my company has been called crying on the kitchen floor LLC since I was like, yeah, it's like all the paychecks, all the things that I pay from my bank account, everything like that, my bank account, my, my, uh, my company is called crying, huh? Yeah, the business got the business account. Yeah, the business account is crying on such a floor. And it's been like that since 2018. It's been the name. And every time I call like my bank or something, they'll be like, oh, what is that business? Like people are always saying something about the name. They always ask, we were just in the bank the other day. They're like, what's this business crying on the kitchen floor? Are you in like, is it cleaning? I don't know. Thank you so much, no CD for sponsoring today's episode of Just Trish. This is a really important episode to talk about this. So I really started struggling with anxiety later in life. And I thought, oh my gosh, my anxiety, like this can't be this bad for everybody. I realized that my anxiety was also a bigger part of OCD. Sometimes we think of OCD as the stereotype. It's like obsessive cleaning or obsessive organizing. And it's like, well, I'm none of those things. But it's so much more than that, specifically my intrusive thoughts. I think I just thought of it as something really scary and something I just had a live with. But I was truly ruining my life. These intrusive thoughts in the anxiety. And I just didn't know I would try breathing exercises or I try regular talk therapy. And I just wasn't doing the trick. And when I realized it was a part of a bigger diagnosis, like OCD, I was able to get the help that I needed. No CD provides treatment for OCD. It provides specialized treatment for OCD. You can learn to manage your OCD symptoms. So you can live the life that you want. Your OCD symptoms can be manageable. And it's not something you have to do alone. You can download the No CD app and join the No CD community. It specializes in exposure therapy, ERP therapy, which is exposure and response prevention therapy. Because sometimes talk therapy doesn't really help OCD. It can help a lot of the other symptoms and breathing exercises can help anxiety. But when you really do the ERP, you're really doing the work for specifically OCD. And anyone can succeed in spite of their OCD. And that's where No CD wants to help. If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, No CD can help. Book a free 15-minute call to get started at learn.no CD.com/trish. That's learn.no CD.com/trish. That's n O CD.com/trish. Thank you so much to No CD for sponsoring today's episode. Anyways, that's how you kind of know it's good because people were just like, they also questions about it. Also when you see all the names, then you realize that this is the name. You know, because before that, you kind of know this is the name, but you think, well, maybe I can do better. Yeah. But once you see all the names, I think also there was oversharing. Oversharing. That was a big one that they really wanted. I was really against that. I was like, guys, we can't do oversharing. When you see all the names, you realize this is the only name, like for this book. I think also, yeah. And even when I told Tanna, she was like, that's the title for sure. I think it's also like just so specific to me that no one else could have this title. So I thought it kind of was meant to be because I was like, wait, that's literally the name of my business. And people think it's so gaggy. And I was like, so yeah, so that was that, which I think is cool. And now people say like, oh, I'm in my crying out kitchen floor era. And so like that. So I think it's cool. Like the dominoes pop up. We're doing in New York is like, they're recreating my kitchen floor. And so I think it's kind of cool that I became kind of like gaggy. It's kind of go full circle again. The person who currently lives there gets like fan mail. Like he sent me. That's crazy. Yeah, because you remember before my music video, I was like trying to write to it and no one responded. So I guess like someone like lives there now. And they sent me an email. And like just so you know, it's like real. And they sent me like all the mail that came to their house. So and now I have a contact over there. So I could always go back. But it is kind of cool that it became that in. And then yeah, kind of they kind of sit on it for a while and people like, let's see maybe this maybe then. And I was like, I think it's crying. And then everyone kind of just agreed to like crying out kitchen floor is the name of the memoir because that's what one of something gaggy. Obviously, the blueprint is Jeanette McCurdy's like, I'm glad my mom died. Like the cover, the title. It's so catchy. And so I feel like if you were to see this on the shelves, shout out target, shout out brands and double shout out to all the local books. I did a call with a bunch of like local bookstores too. And I was like, shout out to everyone keeping like, what is this card like physical media like alive? Like, because it's so cool because we love going to the bookstores so much. Like we obviously have a bunch of novel nearby. There's one close to us. But like all the local bookstores have like kids stickers and stationery and my kids like love it. And there's people want to call the book soup. That was really cool in LA. Like I still just like love like local bookshops. And there's like, and we're deciding that some at some ones that aren't like, you know, the mainstream ones and stuff like that. And I think it's cool. So it's fun to get on with all the sellers and be like, hey guys. And so thank you everyone who bought the book because obviously they have to buy it there. But if you see a target or something like that, I feel like it's also just like catches your eye. Just like, yeah, crying out in the kitchen floor. So I'm very excited. I think it is in target. Shout out target. Shout out Barnes and Noble. Shout out to all the local bookshops. Love you guys for. I'm really excited. And I can't wait to go in there and sign books. You know, they do it. They're like, wow. I might be like, please don't vandalize you. Yeah, they'll actually stop doing that. It's so funny because our local Barnes and Noble had like Miss Remi action on display for so long in the front. And I was like, hey guys, like I really would love if I could add that display. It's not there anymore. They switched it. But it wasn't even done for a minute. So I was like, can we please display me? I love that you're boots on the ground. Yeah, grass for it. Barnes and Noble, we're like, I wasn't just saying this on the seller call to say it, but like, we are there like three to four times a week. Like, we love it. It's also like, they have great kids action. Anyways, a whole thing. But so yeah, that I just thought was cute. And like pink too, I wanted the pink aesthetic to be there. And yeah, I was very excited. And like I told you earlier, I remember like picking it up in the first quote that really gagged me. Now I can actually read it in its totality. Yeah. I wish I could show your book. I love it. Yes. It's like a college course. It is very that. It's like my literature class. It's worn down. This is the art, obviously. Oh my god, you're right. It is like, you do have it. It's long. I got some notes on it. Did you highlight? I didn't highlight. I just tabbed it up. Yeah. I love when people like highlight their books. And I got these little tabs. Then I put it right at the start of the quotes. Every time there was something that like I thought was gaggy to say the least. But yeah, this is literally my favorite quote. And I think it just sums up you and also the book like so perfectly. Again, this is early on the book, Trisha performing at her talent show. And you say, but Trisha, didn't you already say you didn't have any talent? And you'd be right. This is where the delusion comes in. You have to understand that when it comes to me in my inner monologue, we're like shredding just Trisha. We are all things at once. We are talented. We are untalented. We are crazy. We are sane. We are the hottest girl in the world. And we are a dumpster at any given moment. One side is slightly winning out over the other. And for now, I convinced myself that even if I couldn't recognize what my talent was, the very important people in Hollywood would. And that once I got there, I was like, oh, I'm really seated for it. And that's literally start a chapter two. - Oh my gosh. - So it's really, really on, yeah. - Right in. - And I think it really summarizes what you're gonna experience in the book because it is very bad. It's like very much emotional rollercoaster. It's very much paradoxical. It's very contrarian at times. Very much who you are as a person. (laughing) - I'm so, that makes me so happy. Also all those words you just used were amazing. - That's a right-a-book. That was crazy. Oh my gosh. Paradoxal, like all these things came out. I was like, no, you are so smart, I forget that. 'Cause we just talk about, like, Bryce Hall of Hong Kong. And then when you say, like, intellectual stuff like that, I was like, damn, you got to be one of my moderators. I'm a moderator in LA, but I don't know if they're doing what I'm gonna ask, 'cause I can be one of my moderators. - I, literature class was always my favorite. And like, I was, yeah, English was my best subject. I was really bad at all the sciences in the math. But I was definitely English and literature boy. - Oh my gosh, his shows. - And I always, like, I loved writing essays. So I kind of felt back into that. I was like, hey, what are the themes? What are the allegories? Yeah. - Oh my gosh, I love that. - That's a symbolism. - That's like, what is the symbolism of this book? Do we have a greater one for society? I don't know. - No, but the other childhood part, obviously, that's where we start in your story. And that part really is gaggy, 'cause, yeah, I mean, it's weird 'cause as open as you are about your life, there are so many, like, blank spaces that I didn't really even contemplate until I was reading this. And then it really kind of fills in, you know, all these gaps. And obviously it was really interesting because you have such like a good relationship with everyone in your family now. But then in the beginning, you talk about how, like, tumultuous it was and kind of coming from, like, an unstable household. And you've, like, referenced it before, like jokingly. But then to kind of get, like, the foundation for who you are, like, as a person. And obviously, I feel like that definitely impacts to you as a parent as well. Like, you lacking this kind of stable household. So now you kind of go out of your way. It's like, dude, the complete opposite. - Yeah, oh, that was sort of a traditional stuff like that. - And how did you feel writing about your childhood, especially now, 'cause you are close with the parents? Obviously, if you were, like, alienated from them, it would be a lot easier to write about them, but you see them, you interact with them all the time. So how difficult was it to write about this stuff? - Yeah, I think that was, I think that honestly was the hardest for me. 'Cause my mom and I have always been close and my mom, like, gives me, like, everything like that. But obviously there was stuff in my childhood. And it's like, with my parents, actually, I don't blame them. Maybe my dad, I side, I a little more, which is crazy 'cause I'm closer than ever with my dad. My dad is probably, and I are the closest right now, which is, like, that's why it was so hard and so much of the book, especially the beginning, is about my dad actually throws Hollywood too, and my dad's in it a lot, like, and I, every time I would talk about my dad, write about my dad, like, really was Alex who pulled that out of me, 'cause my original manuscript had nothing about my dad and nothing about my mom, like, but he was asking me about that and I was just like, like, yeah, it's just, 'cause I just, I don't like blame them. There's two things, I don't blame them 'cause it wasn't like they were, like, abusive to me. Like, we had food and we were fed and they actually, like, worked really hard to, like, make sure we had nice things. So, it's like, I hate to be that person, especially when people have, so, like, the other thing is, like, comparing. I would compare it. It's like, well, I know, like, a Tana, like, you know, they're preparing for it. - Like, fully absent. - Yeah. - You know, like, not taking her to the dentist and fights and hitting physical and all that, like, so, it's like, God, I was like, I don't want to be that person, like, complaining about my childhood when, like, you know, people had it worse. So, it was like, it was really hard, but I thought it was important because, again, like, it kind of, like, maybe set up the framework of why, first of all, like, everything is, whether it's cosplay or whatever, everything is kind of framed around movies and TV 'cause that's, like, how I grew up, that's who, like, it literally raised me movies and television. Like, that's where I learned everything. I talk about it so much in the book is, like, movies that impact me television shows, specifically things that were based in LA. So, I think, a lot of times the podcast will talk about, like, how I don't relate to things in New York because I was only consuming stuff in LA 'cause that's where I wanted to be. So, if there was an LA movie, talk a lot about Quentin Tarantino. Obviously, like, his movie's all being in LA and those kind of things. I, it was either that, or if there was a, a young girl being saved by, like, an older man, whether that's, like, Kate Fear, Taxi Driver, like, those things, like, shaped me a lot. So, it might be, like, how, why are you the way that you are? And it's, like, probably because of those movies. And then, my mom and dad, they, like, were not around. My mom was working for jobs, but, like, I understood it. So, that's why I never, to me, I respected it. I was like, oh, my mom worked so hard 'cause she didn't want us to have, like, a bad life. We just never saw her. So, we were just, like, alone all the time. And then, my dad, I side-eye a little more. Sometimes they say, once we've been with my parents, you understand your parents better. And it's, like, with my dad, even though we're so close now, like, I understand it less because, obviously, you guys can, like, read the book and stuff like that too. But, like, my dad, depending on who you ask, 'cause I'm three when my parents get divorced, either, my mom moved us back to Illinois, and my dad moved back and came back to California, or my dad to stay in California and my mom moved to Illinois. So, I'm not really sure, like, what happened? Either way, my dad's, like, not in my life in Illinois. So, obviously, I talk about my, sometimes, with my dad. We're still not very open, even with this book. I'm like, ooh, I wanna talk to him about it, but we're just not, like, we're very surface level, but it's good because he's so good with my kids. So, I'm just like, kind of, whatever. But, like, I think he looks at it as, like, you know, your mom did, like, the ultimate betrayal to me. So, like, what was I supposed to do? But I'd be like, I mean, Moses could, like, I mean, like, you could do anything, anything that would keep me a street away from my kids. I'd be cognate where I'd be, like, right next door to you. I would be like, so the fact that my dad was, like, in a completely different state as a child, it feels like you abandoned me, you know what I mean. And he says it was my mom, obviously, that he wanted to get away from, but I'm like, but ultimately, like, we're the ones that suffered. You weren't around. I thought, like, why does my dad not wanna be around me? Like, why is he not around? We only saw him summer in Christmases, like, and so I think that's something that he doesn't fully grasp, get at all, and I don't know how. 'Cause it's like, no, I have kids, and I'm like, there's just literally nothing like, I mean, if I hated you, I mean, I'd be in separate, I would be the same. I don't know, I'd be down the street if I had to. That's what it had to be. Yeah, it's tough, but I think that, you know, my mom has always been my closest. I mean, she's always given me like every dime, and she's been really supportive and always thought, like, if I thought I wanted to be famous, she's like, yep, you can do it. Like, you know, she would get me the red plastic jumpsuit at the talent show and stuff. So she was like, really supportive when I came to LA. She would send me money and max out her credit cards. Like, my mom really was supportive. So I think it was a really hard to write. Like, the only, I guess, negative impact on my life was just the men that would come in and out. And my mom's like, deeply ashamed of it. So it's like, I don't wanna like, embarrass her more. It just like, really sets up getting into sex work and the way I view sex and my low self-worth and why it's so dependent on men, why I was so male-centered. You know, my mom was really male-centered growing up. And so I think that's like a new conversation everyone's having now is the male-centeredness. Like, I didn't know that was a good thing when I was being male-centered in my whole life, but, you know, I just lived and died by if I had a man that was giving me attention. And like, ruined my 20s, ruined my life, really. Not only just like my body physically and sex and STDs and all that stuff like that, but obviously self-worth. And also in my career, I talk about all the time and I reference it here. It's like I would just wait around for a man to come around if that meant canceling jobs if it meant whatever. So, yeah, I think it just, I had to write about those experiences seeing my mom with like different guys in order to kind of set up why I thought I needed a man in my life. Obviously, the quintessential daddy issue my dad just not being around too is such a big factor. So, all of that's a lie. I talk about, obviously, I was actually assaulted multiple times as a child in school and multiple times, like different people and it's like hard for people to believe. And I remember telling Alex that too. I was just like, I don't know if I want to write about this 'cause like, I don't need people being like, wow, it happened, it happened five different time, five different people were doing that. And I was like, yeah, I mean, actually, probably more. If I'm like really trying to think about people making inappropriate stuff, I was just talking about touching. Like if it's inappropriate things, I mean, way more actually. So, that was tough. I just don't wanna, I also don't wanna glamorize it. I think I, I talk about this all the time. Like I would watch movies, like Kate Fears, the one that comes to my mind, it's Robert General. He's like her acting teacher, Julia Lewis, she's like 13. He puts her thumb in a mouth and I just thought like, oh my god, I thought that was so romantic. And I thought that's like what I wanted and aspired to be. So, I didn't wanna like glamorize it either. So, I try not to like go into detail 'cause at the time it wasn't trauma to me and it was like something that I thought, well, I seeked, so I, you know, I don't know. So, all of it was a lot and they all, to the all coincide, I don't know, but I think it kind of at least shapes the start of like maybe my borderline, you know, maybe the spiraling, that kind of stuff, the splitting, all that came from like a very early age, I think. So, that's why I wanted to say it, but it's tough. And yeah, I think my biggest fear is like my parents, I don't want to hurt them. My family's very sensitive too. My family doesn't talk about things. We're not like open communicators. So, I wish I could just have like conversations sometimes and it's just also their generation. They don't really like believe in like family therapy. And so, like, you know, it's, and it's fine. And like, honestly, we had great relationships without the therapy. Could it be better? Probably, but I'm like, yeah, it's tough. It's tough when you're like, thankful and grateful for your parents for like my dad comes to get me in my Hollywood apartment and stuff like that. Like, there's so many times where they saved me. So, it's hard to write about because you don't want to, don't want to make anyone look bad. - Yeah, I think overall though, in this too, it's like there is such a grayness when it comes to morality. I think we've so like accustomed to, I mean, I'm even guilty of it. Like, someone does bad thing equals bad person. Whereas like, there's so much more complexity as like, you know, people do try their best and obviously have shortcomings. And I think everyone kind of tries to do the best the information that they have at the time. And especially when We're growing up like there's just not as much as far as like I feel like Once like the internet became like a big thing too like we have more access to information So then there's more understanding of how we raise our kids of and what we show our kids what we talk about around our kids Effects them growing up. So I feel like it is one of those things where it's like, you know You're not trying to like say your parents are a billion or something. It's just a matter of fact like Their shortcomings despite their best effort to raise you did in fact alter the way that you see yourself just because that's That's what it is. That's psychology of being a child and absorbing so much emotion and information from your parents and In the household that you're in. It's that's why like I would again That's why I think of like working reverse with like the strings and going backwards because then it kind of just Add so much clarity as like who you are to a person and it makes everything else kind of Gives it so much context and that's why I like I got so much a more of an understanding of how you know all these different Trish Trish big Trish events According to my guy see I see yeah, yeah, I think that's a whole point of a memory is like you want people to have like lessons and take away So it's like if you're a parent whether you're my age or an older parent or a younger parent is like how maybe not to be because my dad really In his mind we still we'll talk about it once in a while He really thinks that that was his only option was to like leave the state completely because my mom didn't Horrible thing to him and stuff like that. I was like, but you don't understand like how that like affected me And it's like and also like I always I feel like that's also like I I'm very much like I hate it like that family this and I think divorce is fine Like I think if you need to divorce like I think people always say that they'd rather We I know people that have married parents like I wish my parents were gone divorce because it's like so toxic in the house So I'm not like against divorced parents if you need to obviously the stuff that happened to my dad and my mom I you have to divorce like you have to divorce so it was more just like The kitchen suffer, you know what I mean? It's like I I I suffered whether my dad thinks that or not like He thinks he was the one suffering and I think he just can't fully grasp like why it felt like he abandoned me Even if he explains he abandoned my mom like well, I'm feeling me But I just hope it was more of like an experience because I learned from it I was like God if there's one thing I'm gonna do is be there for my kids like every single day So they don't feel like why don't they have me in their life, you know what I mean because they don't they do nothing wrong kids Never do anything wrong. So thank you so much to Alipop for sponsoring this episode of Jess Trish their new pomegranate sparkle flavor It's so good and perfect for the holidays. Let's crack one open Cheers to the holidays Refreshing oh, I love Alipop. I've been on that Alipop train for a while But out there new holiday cans are just so cute and festive I love it so much as pomegranate is so so tasty It's just like a fun little fizzy drink we're about to have a holiday party and we're all just like a bath at Alipop life, okay, I just don't love the taste of alcohol I have a lot of sober friends and Alipop is just a fun way to drink some beverages and just have a good time and just a fun Holiday way Alipop has a new limited edition that's right just in time for the holidays is pomegranate sparkle was six grams of fiber We always talk about protein and how we're getting our protein and what about that fiber? 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Which is so insane to think about so if you want to drink something and not be so sugary try Alipop today with the holiday season Officially here try the Yeti flavors today all four festive flavors are under 50 calories less sugar and high fiber to support digestive health Holiday share with substance whether you're heading to a friends giving family gathering or holiday party Alipop brings the flavor refreshment and feel good benefits to every celebration So get a free can of Alipop today by any two cans of Alipop in store and we'll pay you back for one works on single cans of any flavor had any retailer go to drink Alipop dot com slash Trish for more information Alipop is available in the soda aisle with the chilled beverages at thousands of retailers nationwide including major grocery stores like Costco and Walmart Go to drink Alipop dot com slash Trish for more information on how to get your free can of Alipop today Thank you so much to Alipop for sponsoring today's episode and it's interesting to because like obviously on YouTube And then when even when I go back and watch like your old YouTube videos, there is the The Trish it was very girly pop like cozy night and on Halloween Routine like get ready with me to do my own hair shopping at Victoria's Secret Pink and then which is kind of like the Same you now, but there is still that switch of like the hyper sexualized like and it's weird because it's also like at the same time and even like when I would go back like last year would go back and watch all of your old videos and it's like This way it really is this weird switch of like you're doing this like normal whole Sun like come with me to walk around my neighborhood And then it's like something super sexual like the next video. Yeah, God and Were you aware of that like when you are on YouTube? Were you just getting rewarded for the highly sexualized content or like and it's just that instant gratification of the numbers that you're like Oh, I need to like lean into this even more Yeah, I think I talk about it in the um, I talked about it with like the jobs have brain or the fast-talking while I talk about yeah where I Think I just more than views or money. I was just like wow like guys think I'm attractive because like I never in school No one thought I was attractive. I never went on dates never had a boyfriend never was you know went to a dance with anybody So I think it was just like wow I because you always heard people call like Pamela Anderson a bimbo and like her big big tits and stuff So I was like obviously I talk about like Howard Sternger. It's bringing her a lot too. It's like those that was like the goal like back in the Early 2000s was to be called a bimbo and a dumb dumb horror which is so crazy It's so crazy, but like I thought that was like the highest form of compliment. I was like oh, that's everything So I don't think it was ever me. I especially now who I am now and like I Look back and I'm like it is I don't know and I think now - I'm such a prudent so many ways But I think I always was I am. Oh my god of girls show cleavage. I'm like I had cleavage the other day. Where was I? Oh Yeah, my mom was film. How do you feel? Was this not somebody feel he's he's like I created Ray Romano. Everybody loves Raymond I did as he has like a new one how to make a sandwich and I did and I I had something like boobs I was like oh my god, I feel so I think oh, I went to a male. It was dance class ballet. I had a taker It wasn't like that crazy, but I did have cleavage which I never have and I was just like oh my god like I feel So I don't think I was ever. I don't think I ever was truly a sexual person like I think it was really like again a character where I just I never felt comfortable with sex my body None of that. So I think that was definitely Character I thought that's like how I was gonna be famous. I've talked about like the Mitt Romney video Which all these come back to Hassan because I remember his uncle on the young Turks Like he called me a bimbo and I was like wow Yeah, he was like this like big. I don't know if he's still around. He was like this big journalist and he was like I just remember being like Fox News I remember this guy named Jesse Waters who's still there He like reached out to me after the dog of the Mitt Romney video because of my and I remember we went to dinner And he's like yeah, I want you to be on like my show and then we went to dinner with him And then I think I was like I don't think he wanted me to be on a show I don't think it was like that either. I don't think it was like a perverted thing It just like was a weird thing anyways. It was all around that time and I was getting all this attention from again older males I think I was on Larry King's show like I was one of these shows and I just thought oh this is my ticket like just being a dumb Blancs I just looked up to those girls. I thought like Pamela Anderson Jenna Jameson like I thought that was like my route to go The dichotomy to you like every YouTube like character because like I said There was somewhere that are like so wholesome lifestyle girl And then there's some where especially when you are in frame groups because not only David Obviously that was kind of the worst one. Yeah of the hypersexualized but even like a shame Yeah, or even when you were in like just any other collab video like you would kind of lean into like the the sexualized bimbo Always character and again looking back now. It's so like it's just so like oh like it's almost like It's like seeing my sister be like Because you're so opposite now, but it is it is so like jar like so stark difference Yeah, the shame ones isn't good example of that too like he always did like really sexual content But yeah, I was like really Sexualized but again like I just I think I just Like I really just wanted people to like me and guys specifically to like me So I was just like whatever it is if I'm gonna be the dumb like slide like that I thought that would be like the biggest compliment. I did an interview with interview I think it's like out now that this comes out with Morrie Papa. She interviewed me for interview And obviously I talk about Jerry Springer and the thing and stuff But anyways, it's so funny because I watched it was like Chris Hansen. Oh Chris Hansen's wife reached out too I should do an interview Chris Hansen. I was like maybe I love him I don't know if anyone else says but like Morrie Papa's Jerry Springer those are like the three guys that were definitely like in the media whatever and Morrie's was famous for the DNA test. Yeah, who's the father? Yeah, so it'd be young girls and he's like, oh, you know, I can I do understand where you're coming from because obviously I talk about in the book Like wanting to get pregnant by basically anyone. I just like wanted a kid because I thought I a kid would love me back and like that's the only reason I wanted to get pregnant for so long like when I was young and Morrie was so sweet. He was just like, you know what? I understood that too because like girls would come on and it would be the same thing They come from like broken homes and they thought a baby would like love them or fix them So he like understood what I was saying, but what's so far about that is because I was consuming Morrie as well I remember Thinking those girls were like goals. I was like, wow you there's two men that could potentially be the father I was like wow two-point two-point two guys wouldn't have sex with you that's cool Like I really did think that and I was obviously the age of those girls like being 13 and stuff like that So I yeah the way you like consume things and stuff at an early age it was like It's so weird because in my school and summer school We would it was me and like two other girls in my grade my parents were working So they just put me in like my like middle school's like summer school program and We had nothing to do so we would like go and get like the you know the TV they play like you know They play the HSC forever. Yeah, we would roll it in the hall and we would be in the back corner and we would we had basic cables so we watched more. - Oh my God. - It's during summer school. - During summer school. And we would like be having a key, but again, never aspiration like that. - Really? That is so crazy. 'Cause I thought, wow, that is gold. You don't know that. And two men could be your father, now you have them in your life forever. And that's also the way I viewed having a baby. I was like, oh, if I have this baby, like this guy will have to be my life forever. Like I really thought it and it was never a trapping as you know from the book, nobody had money. I was never like that. I guess in a way I suppose. But also they knew what they were doing as well. And they were much older than me. But it was like, I thought, well, they'll always, always have a man in my life, if I have the baby. - You're tied to them. - Yeah, I thought that was kind of cool. - And then you have something that will be forced to love you. - Yeah, forced to love. Yeah, I really, it really is crazy. Which PSA now like do not have kids. - Not being answer, yeah. - Yeah, obviously we've seen it go the other way. Some men just straight up and leave that baby. Oh my God, I see this all the time. Like I'm, if there's one thing I'm so thankful for is that I never dig a print with any awesome. It was like Moses, 'cause if it was with anyone else, truly, I don't say this lightly at all. I don't think I would have been able to handle it. I think for sure I would have given my child a production. Again, like not that is a bad thing for adoption, but I don't think I would have been able to go past a year. - Yeah. - Any other time. I probably even now, if I didn't have Moses like that first year with Malibu, I don't know. Like probably my mom move in. But even then it's like, are we gonna be able to take, I don't know, I probably would have tried for a while. Like a year, I probably would have been so out of my mind as that postpartum and also just being so unwell in my 20s, that maybe, or the baby would have been, didn't that would have been really sad too. So thank God it didn't work out. I always recommend, no matter what age you are, to be in therapy, to be, have a good mental stability because kids are so hard, even being mentally stable, but when you're mentally unwell, the kids will suffer. So kids are no joke, kids are no joke. Think very, and think about who you have kids with. We've seen that too, like on TikTok anyways. This is going beyond my book, but think about who you have kids with because there are some loser-ass dads out there too that really just be doing the minimum. I got really lucky with someone who literally is like, super dad, but like, oh my God, I can't even think about kids with anybody I thought I wanted to have kids with. I would be actually horrible. So thank God I didn't, but timing, I do trust in timing all the time. - And do you think your relationship with wanting attention and just specifically for men is that why you think, when you talk about Shane, you talk about instantly, like having a crush on him and stuff, is it just because it was a man who was like, give spending time with you? - Oh yeah, oh Shane to me was like my boyfriend. Like I was like, he's cheating on Lisa with me 'cause we would be together all the time and he was technically like still Lisa with Lisa. Lisa's the whole reason I met Shane. Lisa did, I did a collab with her. She was my first collaboration ever. Shout out Lisa, we still talk. She has a child Malibu's agent, so cute. She just got hand-footed Maltesees. I was like, girl, we had that early in the summer too. Like I love her, I really do love her. And she was like the first person to ask me collaborate. I thought that was so cool because she was like, obviously very famous for being like Shane's girlfriend. She was around for a while too, but I thought that was so cool. So obviously that's how Shane found me and then reconnected. We were together for a casting but then like years later through Lisa and then we just started hanging out all the time and we were hanging out on like the weekends and like staying up to like seven in the morning and then he did go home but then come back at like 3 p.m. the next day and go to L3 don't get nachos and chicken and all that stuff like that. So I was like, damn, like I thought we were like, I didn't remember him being like, I would tell Gigi gorgeous 'cause she'd come over and I'd be like, oh my god, I have a crush on Shane. And there'd be like so giggly. And then Shane would call me like later and be like, hey, were you guys like laughing at me 'cause I heard you guys giggling and then I'd be like, it's like high school. - It's like high school, my god. Like we are all, oh I'm not Gigi, she's very well adjusted but me and Shane definitely had some trauma. We got sent to that at a certain age 'cause I would be the, he'd call me like, were you guys like laughing at me? - My god. - And then I was like, no, like I think I kind of like you. I remember like telling him, well, I don't know. It was so crazy. And then he's like, okay. It's like, it's also confusing right now. It was, I know, we were like 23. We were like that young but I was like, okay. And so yeah, it was very, but yeah, I thought we were like, I thought I was like in love. I thought any guy, any guy that gave me attention, I was like, wow, he loves me so much. Like it was really weird. And also Shane posted me too. He was like the first guy to ever like post me and like, you know, I never had a boyfriend when I met him like a real one that like posted me and stuff like that. So I really thought he was the real deal that that we were meant to be. - And I'm gonna be skipping a little bit more. But on that note, boy, friends who posted you, the Jason Nash saga, it's again, so weird 'cause like you just never talk about him even like off camera, you know. - Sorry, yeah, this is, this is one. Obviously I talk about like David and stuff like that. And like, yeah, this is, yeah. Yeah, this is my one and dad as I've been saying. And especially here, but I will say everyone's kind of the press tour I've been on. No one asked. - No one asked. - We're just fair enough and honestly love it. Obviously when he was doing the TikTok lie, I was just like, I was just so happy to be done with that chapter. And I was like weirdly obsessed and it was very embarrassing this whole thing. So, but that was the most traumatic, like YouTube time. I think I was good 'cause that one did feel real to me and then for that one to be pulled under. It offered me, I was like, oh, damn, that was all. Not really there. - And interesting too, because another one where he, he was with Andrew Arrested, right? When he was like, he talked about wanting to date you and then you were like, oh, this guy. And then eventually, but he's the way you interact. - It's kind of a recurring theme which we'll get to, but when did that shift happen from like being like, oh, to like, oh, is it just 'cause it was someone publicly showing you your affection or? - Well, 'cause he logged the first date. 'Cause he loves me. - It's another recurring. - Yeah, I think it was like kissing in the thumbnail. Like this is the soul mate, it was like he gave me attention and like, yeah, I didn't know. Andrew did bring up like, oh, you should date Trisha and then everyone started tagging me. And I hadn't dated anyone since like Sean before that. So, yeah, but I remember him from like the vine and, you know, he's objectively just like, not like attractive obviously with like the bags and stuff. But not even like to be mean. I just was like, oh, this is not like an attractive person. And so I said, ooh, no, but yeah. And then we just met to do the vlog and I was like, well, he logged me, he loves me. And so obviously with anybody, it's just like, yeah, just right away, it's sex with everybody, right away. And so it was just like kind of that. And then we just didn't see each other for a while. But he would text me to do videos like after big brother and like throughout that time. So, I was like, oh, this guy likes me. Like I, you know, sure. Like then, but then I became obsessed as I do. Like I, soon as someone gives me attention, I'm just like, and publicly claiming me, right? And obviously having sex as well, like with Sean, I clearly talked about what we didn't have sex. But you know, I thought I was taking it slow. I think he's taking it slow or whatever. Obviously, gay, but that's not obviously, like, I guess everyone else was obvious, yeah. Did not, not to me, I guess. But so, so it was just such a different relationship. And it's like, I don't know, it was like the first, it felt like my first real relationship. But like, it wasn't, that's why I always will say, most of my first really, because it just wasn't. Like, I took it as very real. And it just, what was, what was real. But nothing was real about it. Everything was just for video, like for film. I remember even talking about engagement. And I remember him telling, like, I guess you should help me, you know, plan that for the video. And like, I think it would have, maybe even a baby, I think would have been for a video for him. Because obviously, I really was trying with him. And like, he obviously knew. I mean, he obviously was just like participating in the way I was on birth control stuff like that. So it was like, I think, which, that's what scares me, is like, that one truly was all for content. From our early trips to Maui when David came and stuff like that, it all was for content. And like, I just really didn't know at the time. I really thought like, it was, it was love. I don't know, it was really, I don't know. I think it's just like, that part was really sad to me. - No, I totally get it too. And again, that's why I say it's like, there's so, it's so, the book is like full of paradoxes and stuff because in your other relationships that you talked about, previously, when you're living in Hollywood, and when you are like the other woman, you're the mistress or the secret and so many, you're like the one that they can sometimes kind of sort of make time for. And then to get the affirmation of like someone, like you said, claiming you publicly, almost like, putting you as like the billboard almost, you know, like you're the thumbnail. Like that is like, it doesn't get any more official than that. That's like the Facebook status, you know? Like, in a relationship with, yeah. - Yeah, it was, it was right away Instagram, everything I was like, oh my God, it's official, yeah. - And then of course, like, again, in retrospect, with like the BPD, like the way that you process these things and that you take everything in absolutes, like everything is black and white. So the fact that here comes someone, like so willing to publicly be with you, they must be like, how do we get this as the one? - Oh, and talking about like, I mean, that's why, I mean, I would talk about my kids' names. I'd be like, "Mal Wellvis," although he'd be like, those are stupid names. And then even the Disney one, and the reason we, me and most of them have Disney winning is 'cause I remember there was a vlog on his called, like, planning our $2 million Disney winning. And it was like a whole thing where we were just talking about Disney winning, he hated Disney. If you look at our Disney world videos, like, could not stand there to be with me, he hated Disney, makes fun of Disney adults, all this stuff like that. So it's like, it was always my idea that I was sharing. And obviously he's like vlogging and putting it in a title. And I was like, oh my God, this is like real. And then obviously then when I meet Moses and it's like, my dream right, I don't want to do that 'cause I already talked about it with this person. But it's like, it was always mine. But it just felt, I guess like, validating to have someone who would even think about wanting to marry me. So I thought, yeah, I was really, and then being around his friends, obviously I was like, oh my God, I'm around his, 'cause I wasn't around anyone else's friends. And I was like, wow, I'm around his friends. Like they all like love me. So I think when that all came crashing down, that one really, that one really blindsided me. 'Cause I really thought we're like loved till the end. And he would tell me that like off camera too, be like even without, he's just apologised to David. Like, you know, we'll make it work out. Even up until like May of that year too, even after like our breakup, he's just like, if you just apologize, he's trying to find ways to like give me back in there. So I was like, okay, he loves me, he's fighting for me, but it was obviously, yeah, it was obviously not real, which is fine. And I was acting erratically, but I wasn't on any for the record. No drugs or drinking when I was with Jason the house incident happened May after we broke up We broke up February. This was like May of that year So that obviously was when I was with like Aaron Carter and stuff and I was on Drunks, but well the whole time I was with Jason never Never drink or did drugs sometimes. I guess twice I remember them doing drugs and I think I probably did some but not like I wasn't doing pills I wasn't and I would drink I guess with them if they were going to but I was never like how it wasn't my other ones I'm just like in my kitchen doing it by myself or anything like that. So you think was it Those like erratic moments with them just a result of like just the mental illness and also like You're a part of this like emotional rollercoaster. I'm sure of like Again, you're thinking absolutely thinking he's a one, but then it's like one step four three steps back like and that's just like every day that you don't know what version you're kind of I think like a lot like front of me is as like I think like That's the character, right? It's like I was supposed to be crazy like David would always laugh like you know the one where I'm like Taking off my clothes and stuff like that like I like that's the character. There's no boundaries Like you can just push it as far as possible because obviously David and all them we're doing that too So like that's how I understood that to be and obviously yes mixed with borderline like I'm gonna I can be the crazy and obviously push obviously the meat taking off my clothes and David's house was a result It was the first time they brought up the Tana 3 something that was months before the explosive video But I remember that was brought up and I was like what if I just take my clothes off in front of David and that's when I did that So I mean the crazy was activated for sure. Um, I definitely was never in like therapy or anything at the time So I but because of the reward of like people being like I'm the thumbnail. I'm the I was like oh that's what they want Um, which is if with frenemies too. I said that's what people want they want me walking off, you know So that third one I a frenemies coming ahead. I was just like yeah, that was um To me, it's like no boundaries both of them, you know like which I loved at the time I was like wow we have no boundaries here. We're gonna just do and say whatever to each other. Obviously With with the Jason situation it's different because I do watch clips now I see him. I see you guys I'm to talk editing these clips, but it's crazy because like it's giving Kristen Bellback Shepard You beat me - oh my god. It's like the girl. I husband who hates his wife. Yeah. Oh, he's flirting with me. Oh my god Like I'd be giggling when he's like I'd love to see the next next sad piece of shit after me that puts up with this crap Like I was like giggling like I thought he was being like flirty and funny and I was like oh my god. There's like Hatred like he hates me in these clips and I was like oh My god like calling me like horn like all the men that like all this crazy stuff. I was like Damn and so yeah, it is giving that exact same I guess that's why I can like sense it now more and other people too was like Or at least the blindness to and everybody I remember the Disney World vlogs everyone's like he hates you Like he ate and I was like no Yeah, it's yeah that one and I think that's why I go I wouldn't say hardest on him in the book But I I have the least amount of apologies slash remorse in that relationship because It was it was it was a very Split both ways between David and Jason being mutually aggressive and abusive and all that kind of stuff too You want to hire me your girl trash to do your plumbing because who you'll be having plumbing issues for days Why because hiring the wrong people can be disastrous? 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Thank you so much to Morgan and Morgan for sponsoring today's episode And I remember what kind of stood out to me again I watched it all happen in real time so like I was familiar with it But are you guys specifically when you try to set the boundary of like you know No, three son Tana jokes and then it happens once and then again and three times three And then you like confront them about it and then you like literally quote the text message from Natalie David you said David and Jason ignored it and then Natalie just said oh sorry Yeah And just like the lack of like empathy or understanding at all It's like again you kind of see the string connection of like you know if you've Lacked respect for yourself in a lot of these situations So then here you are like the moment where like you're putting your foot down trying to demand respect Yeah Because people perceive you to be like oh she's just the crazy Sex out of girl like whatever like they have no respect for you and then it's like It's again in retrospect seeing that like I'm that character almost like catch up with you You know, it's like yeah, you've defiled yourself so much so then here You are asking for just a little bit of recognition and they just like will not give it to you because that's just who they see you as You know a thousand percent and you know what like and that was the second time that week So the first one was the Tana on the couch in David's room and they're like okay like it won't happen again Is that the one where you pretended to sleep? That's why I'm trying to sleep and then that same Friday the vlog comes out with Madison Beer and Tana and Jason in the back of the Tesla and they're doing it again And they just all ignore me and I was like absolutely fat and then now like oops Sorry or whatever and then guess what they all ignore me They all is and I waited hours I waited hours from the test me back the minute I put out exposing David Dobrik like I get Jason call me I'll pick you up like where are you I'm gonna come get you and then Jason comes and he gets me and then talks me down like just delete the video like apologize all this stuff like that And then he thought he thinks everything's gonna be okay then obviously me and Jason make a video the next day And then David's pissed at that and then Jason like we're breaking up don't ever hold me again like block or whatever So it was like it was a series of things but yeah, I was like the minute I you think I'm crazy Like I'm gonna give you like crazy and then I made the the exposing David Dobrik video Which I like kind of still stand by and I took down only because Jason's like we can be together just take it down And I was like okay um and Yeah, I mean I stand by everything I said in that video too And that's why I wrote a lot of that stuff in the book like the stuff that I talked about David It's in the book because everything is factual as documented by David Dobrik himself. So I Yeah, I I did not like that especially like into the Natalie and all this stuff like that and Yeah, to that point it's like the only time people ever listen to me is like when I made a crazy explosive video So that was my mo from there as like well the only way I'm gonna get respect is of making explosive video like I I was gonna keep doing it. Obviously that one didn't do as well for me as they did in the past because David had such a hardcore fan base And so my 2019 was miserable because his fans just hate on me I mean Jeff what it was here talking about how they would make fun of my tours and stuff because I wouldn't be selling You know, I felt like 50 tickets or whatever like and they would just make fun of me which like loser behavior or such losers, but But I was like if that's my way people are gonna like listen to me as by being scared of me or me making videos That's what I did all of the 2019 is just but it just made me look more unhinged which is Another life lesson is like Yeah, sometimes it's like sometimes there's so much power and silence and um Obviously now I'm promoting a memoir where I'm talking about everything but You know there is a lot of power and I think even with us not talking about and like I don't want to continue talking about Obviously like Ethan and stuff like that like that is I felt really good for my own self not talking about it, but also I think a lot of people um Can respect a lot more when you don't obviously I also want to stand up for myself and like talk about when we did talk about Ethan and stuff I wanted to say what I had to say but um Ultimately, there's so much power and and staying silent and um Yeah, I need to do the exposing David Dobrik video Maybe not, but I don't know if I probably would have ended worse and who knows what would happen if I would have continued in that group and With Jason and like it probably would have ended Even worse so in a way I needed to burn that bridge because I would have never been fully blocked if it wasn't For that, you know at least from the group Yeah, and I think to like you were very perceptive intuitive or maybe just the It really didn't take I guess much intuition to see especially when I think of like, you know giving the girls Underage girls alcohol for the dirty dawn bit and stuff like it didn't take much into like that's just common sense You know, but you're the only one that had it in the group. Yeah, it's so crazy That went all that came out and I think I said that in the even the exposed videos like that like I mean we left We're just also for the record for that like when that was happening like I remember and they were under the legal drinking age Like 19 but they're like under it like so I was like we left as soon as he wanted like Jason to buy that alcohol. I was like Well, it's like we need to leave you know, so I Yeah, it's yeah, it's crazy people didn't have that common sense Obviously, they did a lot of like stupid things like where was their HR like David was supposedly like this big company Like I just don't understand how he got away with so much. I mean, I don't I really don't see him. I'm not on snapchat So I don't know what he's doing over there, but it seems like he's like tone it down He has like 30 now, so I'm assuming he would tone it down, but he was doing awful things and yeah I think me being like someone seriously gonna get her everyone's like she's a prophet I was like no people are already getting hurt like Nick and Tony and was like flying off of the motorcycle Jason was always bleeding and doing weird shit. I remember even with the kissing the set thing I remember being like I'm not comfortable with it And he's like well then we're breaking up if you're not comfortable Like I just remember and I just wanted to be so badly in that group and I really was just going along with everything I talk about they want me to drink pee and then the minute I did it They like oh, it's like too disgusting for the vlog and I was like what the like it was such a mind So like I guess to go back to it Did I have to make that video about him maybe like maybe I had to do that otherwise? I would have just been Subjecting myself to more and all that stuff like that. So I'm like thank God. Thank God like I'm out of that era, but it was awful Oh my god, and I mentioned the book too. I think David really changed when him and Liza broke up because when I first met David He was really like sweet and like funny and like really happy. We'd go to like Um, I forgot that place called like a Mexican restaurant in studio city anyways. It was um Like Mercado or something. I don't know. It was like and we would all go and like Liza would be there and be so much fun Everyone was so lively and then like yeah after that breakup happened became like, he became like really cool. Really like just like pushing the envelope and trying to be as like nasty as possible and like trying to take me to a strip club, which isn't just trying to do the most. And I was like, I don't know, just weirdo, weirdo behavior, but. - Yeah, I think with him too, it's like he got a lot of success and it's like flying too close to the sun. It's having so a lot of guys, especially guys that you think out with for some reason. - Yes, yes, I know, I don't know why either. I'm like, oh, and luckily I'm like, I do feel divinely protected in some ways 'cause I'm like dodging, I think like thank God for therapy and I think God for spiritual awakening 'cause I do feel like I'm a little more like in tune, but I was attracting the worst people 'cause yeah, when you have like low self worth, you will attract like the worst people in the world. - And I can't leave the Jason David Saga before getting into when you were like institutionalized. And I love that I highlighted this in my other review too, but when you talk about being in the mental hospital and you compare your BBL to like a cup of jello and a hurricane and like the vivid imagery of you, like running down the halls with just like ass owls. It is very visceral, I will say. - Oh my God, that is a memory that will be in my, this first time I had out of it and it's not being my link with out of it. I mean, that is, if my life doesn't read like a movie, I feel like that scene is a movie. - It's very cinematic. - It's very, I, even the way I remember it, I remember it so vividly, even though I just took like a whole thing at pills and like drink a whole bottle of wine, like I just remember it, like, I remember everything blurry, I remember like waking up, I remember Adam calling the ambulance, I woke up and then Adam's like, you know, I'm gonna be in the lobby, I was like, no, go home, like I remember like texting Jason, like wanting him to come in. So then I went and I sat Jason. I was like, oh, and then when I sat David and Jeff, I was like, well, these David came back. I was like, why the f*ck were they let David back at the theater signing? Yes, and he like wasn't filming. Obviously they said they were all filming. I mean, he had it like down, but I just remember being so goddamn triggered by that. And I was like, why the hell would they let this like little punk back there? Cause I think I had said like, oh my boyfriend's coming or whatever, but then it's like this little unless he thought it was like his son or something. I don't know what the f*ck. But I was like, why is he back here? Like, I lost, that's what I ran. Cause I was just like, I'm not even close to psychosis. I mean, that was the reason why I got hospitalized, I'm sure. Cause I was just like, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill myself. Like I was just like so, but yeah, I was completely naked took everything out and that's when they, they strapped me down to go to the mental hospital, which is an insane thing to be strapped down. Like, freaking, Hannibal Lector is just like, oh my God. Like what the, it was, it honestly was like, more than any of my other like drug uses. And so that was like the scariest. Like what the hell is my life right now? And then when they shoot you, they shoot you, they shot me out of the end. And I was just like, I didn't even know. I thought they were like trying to kill me or something. I was just like, oh my God, I'm fine. Slowly, I'm slowly like losing control of my body. And then they like trapped me down. It's such a crazy. And that's, I think that should have been like, that should have been my last rock bottom. I should have been like girl, you need to get together. But it was, it was not, there was many 2019. I always say it crazy here. That was February of 2019. - And then was the time when you drove to Jason's house and like you were, you slept outside on his like lawn? Was that the last time that you saw him? - Yeah, yeah, he like hard blocked me everywhere. Because we were still like seeing each other from February when he broke up with me, that February of the mental hospital. Like he definitely was still like coming over to hook up. I was still going to his house to like hook up. Like he definitely was still being like, if you just apologize to David, we can get back together. And obviously remember like my main goal was I was like trying to have a baby. And I thought like well, if you know whatever. So it was still very much actively like all of that. So I, yeah, I thought we were on the right track to that. It was my birthday. Yeah, it was my birthday of that year that he said he was going to come. And then he's like actually Nash Greer is having a baby shower. So I can't make it. And I was like, period. - You got it. - That's when I was like, all right mother. That's a lot about anyways. I don't want to, I don't want to do too much. I hope he's maybe changed and grown. I don't know, I haven't kept up. But like, if you're, yeah. Anyways, that's all I needed to know actually. So if you think you're dating someone and they pick Nash Greer's who's a 20 year old having a baby shower over your birthday, they're just not that too. And that should have been sign number 531. And it just, it just wasn't. - How long was it got between like getting ex-communicated from the vlog squad to frenemies, which is of course, there's like this Trish Renaissance in a crazy way. - Yeah, great. Yeah, God, that is, I mean, 2019 is when I first called the H3 podcast. So I mean, but that was the face tune. - That was the face tune where he like, was making fun of Nikita Dragon, me, Tanna calling us all fat whales and twiggy. I think called me a wrestler on what the, but I had nothing to lose that 2019. Like I said, PewDiePie was making a video about me, Nikita Cotto. I mean, everyone was coming from me on 2019. So H3 was just like one of it. But he was, he would like, respond. So I did the H3 podcast fall 2019. That was when I was trying to like latch onto a new group. So I was doing the K&J C like, what was something else? - Reality house. - Reality house, yeah, that's what it was. And then I was all in impulsive. I thought that was gonna be, for a minute I thought, oh, this is my new crew right here. Me, Mike, and Logan. Cause they had just got rid of their third goals. I was like, were they new, were they new impulsive? Could you imagine? I just become completely right wing. - That is. - Just stalking. - Oh my god, that would actually be crazy. But they were like assholes to be back there. But here I was just like, whatever. Like me. - I can hear you for person. - Oh yeah. I don't know what the hell that was. I was really skinny at that time though, but I was just going on any, cause I was just really trying to be part of a new group. I was like, well, I'm out of the vlog spot. Like it's like Shane to vlog spot to like, where's the new group. And so I was just trying to be part of an already existing fandom. And then arguably of all the fandoms they drew was like the meanest from the beginning. Like when I was on there, let me obviously they hated me. Obviously the thing about the issue podcast, like I mean, specifically Ethan, I'll say. Like I feel like they had people on a lot of times to make fun of them. I think that was kind of like Howard Stern. And I loved Howard Stern. So maybe that's why like maybe took an interest when I found out about this H3 thing. Cause I was like, oh, it's kind of like Howard Stern where they're just, it's kind of like, oh, they're being mean cause they like you. But like, no, it wasn't. So I did, I did that. And then it did while they asked me back. So I was like, maybe this is my new thing. The only other time I ever heard of Ethan, I remember Jason watched them. They had something with like Bill Burr, something like it was a bad interview. And I remember Jason being like, look at this. Like, and I was like, I don't know who any of these people are. So that's the only like time I kind of remembered the other hearing about Ethan. So then yeah, to fast forward. So then 2019, and then 2020 is when frenemies starts. But before frenemies, I was on the H3 podcast like three times. They gave me my own like dating show called like The Bachelor. They're like, we, and that's when I had like somewhat, somewhat of like a friendship. I thought with Ethan and and Hila. I was like, I would go on the show. And I'd be like, you know, I never had good luck in love. And Ethan was like kind of compassionate. He's like, damn, you dated like assholes. And you're just like, wow, I feel like so seen. Like I felt like kind of nice. And then yeah, I remember Christmas break. They're like, do you want to come back? And like, we'll try and find you a boyfriend. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was like so excited. Because I just, you know, I really wanted. I had such a bad series of relationships in 2019. So I was like, damn, I really would like to find someone. And I thought I was going to be like a serious show. Like the actual bachelor. I was like, oh my God, they're going to find me someone. And then obviously, you know, they're fans applied. And the crew, you know, Dan, and he picked out the suitors, which I don't think was like, obviously, I don't know. Maybe he was trying to be sincere. Maybe he wasn't. But I remember the people that came. I was like, oh, no, like these are the people that want to date me. And then ultimately, I was just like, I think I'm done dating. I thought I was like over dating. And I was so so sad. And then that's when I asked them at the end. And you can see at the end of the, I think it's the episode. It's March, like 15th, two days before the quarantine happened. I asked at the end of the episode, I was like, hey, like, I asked him like, to he like, your brother was supposed to apply. Where was he? Because I just had sat through three hours of like 30 different guys like applying. And they were all just like, not it. And then they're like, yeah, he was supposed to apply, but he's just busy. He's just busy. And I was like, well, what's his name? And they're like Moses. And I was like, Moses. And I was like, what's his age? And he was like, he's 10 years older than me, which is like perfect. Because I liked an older guy. And then I was like, do you think he wants to marry me? And he then's like, he doesn't want to marry you, but me or something. And I was just like, oh, I know. So anyways, I thought it's just never going to happen. Whatever. And then, yeah, that night, I was so depressed. I was so like, oh my god, these are the guys that want to date me. They're like, oh, and then I just want to go search for Moses myself. They told me his name. I didn't know his name before. So they had told me his name. So I was like, let me find. So I went to the H3 who they were following. And then I was like Moses or somehow I found him through there. And or maybe it is Google H3 Moses and it came up and then I found his, because his name wasn't Moses at the time. It was like clear being on Instagram. And I went, and I, as I usually do, I just like, I would do this with everyone, even Zach Efron. I'm like, did they ever message me? Like, I'm very that person. I still do it. I still like, did this person ever message me? And I looked and Moses had just message me like 10 minutes prior. So they must have told you, which is crazy because from the beginning, they were like Moses is too busy. They kind of hyped you up. Like Moses is very busy. He has a very important job and he wouldn't apply to this or something. So then when I got the DM from you, I was like, oh my gosh, this is crazy. And like, there was a little mix of both. I mean, I was so bored on a Friday night, so I was like, hey Moses, you know what I mean? But then I was like, here's a way to get, here's a story for getting back on the podcast I was. I was a little bit of both. I was like, okay. And then that's where I talk about all the Burning Man photos, which turned me off a little bit. But I went out on the next day because I wanted to meet up with him that night. I was like, hey, Moses, come on over. And then he's like, how about tomorrow? And I was like in full glam. As you know, my full glam days are very important to me. I was like, I put him in full glam tonight, but he wanted to take me out so I was like, fine. So I slept in my glam. And he's like, well, I want to take you out to like a day. I was like, what the? I was like, you want to take me out on a date? That's crazy. So then we went on a date. And yeah, because I think I probably watched it because of the time I used to watch everything. And then after it was the show was done, they know they told you before you can't take to me on Friday after we filmed the show. The show didn't go up till Saturday back then. It was Saturday morning. So you told me they told you after filming, yeah, either way, they told me after filming. It was pre filmed. We filmed on a Friday and aired on a Saturday. I remember that morning. They're like we might not even do it because of this like COVID or something like that. And so, and then I asked about you and then they must have told you because we were talking Friday. So I remember it was a, I think they called me 'cause I think, remember talking about it. So then they told me that you asked about me and that I should apply or something. Like I should, I should, 'cause I didn't wanna be like, you know, I didn't wanna be part of the joke. They didn't wanna be. - It was definitely a joke. It definitely was like these, I think they picked the worst people on purpose. Like I think they were definitely trying to make me feel bad. - That in the sense of a purpose or not, it's more the line of questioning. 'Cause I know what I would be subjected to. And I was like, I didn't wanna be subjected to that 'cause I'm not that kind of person like to talk about my personal life, private life like that. So, but anyway, but after they told me that, then I messaged you and I didn't think, you'll see it, not see it, I had no idea. But then somehow, like, literally it was, 'cause I'm not, I don't have notifications on on any social media. So, I would have not even seen it, you know, at all. - Wait, why did you message me? I'm so curious. 'Cause it's kinda not in your character either to like message. I guess you were in your TV area. You said you'd just stop back to dating around that time. - Well, the thing is, the real story, right? Like, so before, she had the Bachelor Red, I was supposed to be the Bachelor. And actually announced it in one of the episodes before they were taking the break. - Before they were taking the break. - And they asked me to apply. - So basically, I was supposed to be the Bachelor. And then they said, oh, we'll ask Trisha to apply to yours, right? - And I said yes. And they emailed me. And I said, yeah, honey, then get back on the show, I was like, sure. - And then I think they figured out, wait, we're gonna get more views if Trisha is the Bachelor Red, obviously, 'cause I was nobody. So, so there was like-- - And you haven't been on "Asia Podcast" at all? - No, never. So anyway, so they, and me, the Bachelor, they announced it. Suddenly, I was getting all those DMs. People calling me, people like texting me, like, oh, congratulations. You're the Bachelor, ta-da-da, so. - 'Cause they announced it. - Right before us was break, yeah. - And then I got a call, they're like, hey, by the way, we kind of want to switch and have Trisha be the Bachelor Red. And I was like, you know, I always go with the flow of it, 'cause they knew what's better for the show. I was like, sure, you know, it makes sense. I get it, it makes sense. She'll be the Bachelor Red. And there, but if you want, you can apply it to be her and hers. You know, it was kind of a way to keep me in the loop, but I didn't really want to be in the loop in that way. - Yeah. - So then, yeah, so then anyway, you're went on and I'm surprised even told you that they had that idea for me applying, 'cause it's not like, it's not like a celebrity applying, you know, for me, it's like, makes sense that they would say that. - 'Cause I was excited to be on yours and like, we'll just have Moses apply for yours. I was like, okay. - Right, just kind of a way to shift it in there. - Well, they didn't say your name. They're like, he was brother, they kept calling you, so I didn't know your name. That's why when they told me Moses on the show, I was like, Moses, I never heard of a Moses. Like, I never, it's common, obviously, in like Jewish culture, but I didn't know idea. I was like, when I saw you on the show, I really liked you, like, you were-- - Did you? - Yeah. - I never know, 'cause I'm like, I don't know. - I wouldn't go on a date or text you otherwise. I mean, there was a lot of other people-- - But you just really, okay. So you just wanted to go on a date? That's so crazy to me, 'cause that was like, I didn't know. - Yeah, no, that's why I didn't want to just come over that night. I was like, you know, I wanted to be a man. - I gave up. - Like, okay, there's gonna be a date. There's gonna be a place. I'm gonna pick you up. We're gonna go out there. I'm gonna pay for it. Like, it's gonna be a date. - You parked your own car. The valley's like, I'll park it. He's like, no, I like to park my own car. - I mean, 'cause it was right there. - It was right there. - I was like, I'm doing it myself, right? - Yeah. - I was like, okay, we still paid for the valley. I was like, well, I'll pay for the valley. - Yeah, it was, that was what was so weird to me. I was like, okay, you're gonna pay, but, okay. - Yeah, that's totally unbranded. - Yeah, he picked him from my mom's house 'cause I didn't want him to know where I lived. - In the head of Ferrari, so. - Oh yeah, I thought it was a Ferrari, I was like, we're looking for a Ferrari, and then my sister was like, there's a Porsche, it keeps circling, and I was like, I don't know what the difference was. I was like, you were excited 'cause you just got the car, so I was like, okay. And yeah, and then, so, anyways, all I had to say, so then, yes, I think another misconception is that, like, Miyamoto's met 'cause of frenemies, and it was, it was the eight-story podcast. And frenemies didn't even come about until August of that year, after we were dating, we, we weren't dating from, um, clearly, there was a lot happening. March through, like, he blocked me, and there was a lot. There was a lot that happened. Um, March through August, we barely saw each other, kind of friends, that kind of happened, and then it was, like, end of August. Oh, my podcast, "Dishwitch Trish" got canceled. It was, like, it was so funny. It was, like, through podcast one, and, um, it was once the chain was getting canceled. It was, like, I remember he was getting canceled really bad, and I was, like, defending him, and I think that's why my ultimately got canceled. I feel, 'cause, like, they're, like, well, we can't afford to show anywhere. I was editing. It was at my house. I was, like, nobody, it cost nothing for this show to be on. So it was very weird. So they, like, let me go, like, three months early for my contract. And I think I made a podcasting. I was fired. I was, like, my podcast is ending. Um, and then, like, a week later, 'cause Moses was working with them. You were, like, helping them with, like, house stuff. Is that what you were doing? You were, like, designing. Yeah. So, um, and then he, yes, Moses. He was, like, um, thinking about starting a podcast, you could say, I actually don't know the story of when you went over to the house and they asked you. Why I just think the episodes that she was on were so good. The chemistry was so good. It was so explosive. And you saw it also on the views and all that. And we talked about it even before about, like, that would actually be a good duo, you and him. And we talked about that. And then I think they saw the same thing. But at the time, he had a podcast with, with healer. So it didn't make sense. Like, how would that even work? Well, you told me he said he had to do a podcast with the female comedian, like, like a Whitney Cummings or something like that. Like, or just somebody, like a female comedian. Because he had a rapport with her. I don't really remember that. I just remember that we met one day and they're like, after we started dating, they're like, oh, we're really happy for you guys and all that. And then I think. By the way, I'm thinking of maybe doing something with Trisha. So kind of to tell you, which fast forwarded the few months earlier when they're like, Moses is only dating Trisha for a joke. So it was like so up and down. It was like, I remember watching that episode and I like, wow, I was like, you were only gonna apply for a joke. And I actually, I was so mad. There was a lot of tumultuous stuff before that. But that's weird. Then they're like, okay, we're happy for you. Let's start a podcast. Well, it was really, it was reluctant. You know, it wasn't like really to start the podcast or no, that we're happy for you. It was more like, like, we're happy for you. What about a podcast? We get to take in it seriously. Yeah. So, and then yeah, then they, I'm like, would Trisha, like, they talked to you. They didn't talk to me at first. Then you came home and you're like, oh, you can start a podcast. But I thought was like a big deal because like, they had a studio. They knew how to get ads. Like, I didn't how to do any of that stuff. So I was like, well, mine just got canceled. It was like out of my house and I was doing everything myself, the audio. I was like, literally like starting and stopping myself. Yeah, like, we did it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. It's like out of restart clap. I did it all myself. Yeah. Oh my god. That's so funny. God, you really were there through so many. And that's what we should talk about. I've got what's so long. Girl, three hours. I feel like we should talk about all the times. Like you, because you were in the Shane, you were in like, the David, like, after the David, you were there. Like, we have so many pieces where we're bystanders and all the Trish eras. I know we just go long and then me and Jimmy can figure something out next week. Because there's so much. I know there's so much. I was like, wait, you were in so much of this. Like me and Shane bonded over watching like strawberry 17. And we'd make fun of everyone except for Oscar. We like really loved Oscar. And he would say that too. He's like, I love Oscar. And I was like, I love Oscar. Like, we really thought you were like the star. And we always said that. And then he's like, and when she said, like, they were not getting paid. I was like, he's not paying Oscar. Like, he's so good. He always thought you were so good. I always thought you were so good. And yeah, I guess the Joey too, the Joey of it all would get joys parties. We would see each other at the Sean. Like literally after every era you were there after every down Oscar was there to interview me to be at the party and talk to me when no one else would. Yes, we did. I remember it was Joey's party. You were in the Santa Claus dress. And then it's the you crying at Sean. He'll never, he doesn't love me or whatever. Yes, and then interviewed you in Jason Nash as a couple once you and Jason asked post break up. I forgot about that. Yeah, literally I beginning when you guys just started dating. And then I was your first interview after you guys broke up and you just got out of the mental hospital in 2019. We were so skinny that we were so skinny. I was just like Pam Lander's. Oh my god, Oscar never shy to come back to church. Even the heartbreak door of the flop tour. He was there. He was on the ground with fry. Nobody else want to talk to me. And then even post David Dobar cancellation into I guess before age three. No, because you mean when did we come here with it was like me and Joey came. Oh no, you weren't sure to see the house. We came twice. Your studio city house. Joey came and we did the eating healthy for a day, whatever. Yes, it was at the same day we did the podcast. Yes, it was like the two for it was like a pod swap. Yeah, I'll eat vegetables with you. If you do our podcast, yeah, I talk about Gary and then were we yeah, I don't know if you said her name. Oh, no, Joey did. He's like, who you were like, who is the most difficult one to work with? And he's like, I be here. Oh, Joey always down to be messy. I love it. Oh my gosh. I forgot. And then you were and I remember that's the like the first time I saw you're like producing skills. Like I always thought you were just on camera. I guess I was like on camera talent. And then I remember that one because you guys came here for the fast food one. And I remember you just like coming up the ideas. How about let's do this? Like do it this way. And I was like, say this show. Yeah, yes, it was very producer. It's very reality TV. That's why I was like, wait, you're so good. So I always remember you as being good from that to obviously the strawberry and stuff like that. But I was like, damn. And I remember Joey's channel did really well and all the stuff. It did good. And it was so produced. And I was like, damn, I need to ask her like early on. That was beginning of 2020. I guess was when you guys came to the studio city house. Yes. And the the stakes in just Trish and comprises, the client on the kitchen for L.C. were low because no one was climbing with you at the time. So that's so true. That is so shout out Joey to treat your and nobody wanted to clap. And that was a kind of surprise. Joey has been always like down to like he doesn't yeah, he doesn't get swayed by like public opinion. He's very much like for better or worse with with the James Charles of it all. But he's very much like my interactions with you is how I judge your character. - Oh, I kinda, yeah. Shout out Joey for always being a rule. 'Cause that was, yeah, nobody was wanting to collab with me back then. - Yeah, so it was an easy booking for us at least. But you were the top. You were my number one picture. That makes people better. - I remember writing a dollar in my notebook. I was like eating healthy with, yeah, dead eyes. - Get that notebook, get all those ideas back. We need to come up with them again. 'Cause even when everyone was on the actress strike for entertainment tonight, I was like, oh, Trish and I'm, you know, I'm an easy bug. If it's entertainment tonight or when you were at the access I was like, wow, they want to talk to us. - You would get back with a quick message. - Oh my. - You and Jason Nash came really quick. - We were down, we were down. Did you ever do a solo one with him? - No. (laughing) - No, I remember it was me. - Did you ever do the breakups on the "Did you do a solo one with them?" - It was me and my coworker, Stephanie, we were so excited to interview you together. But especially Stephanie, I think she might have been asking the questions too. And she was very much like, she, 'cause we're Trish fans first and foremost. So she was very much going in. I think that was Stephanie, like, I just ran out of stuff too, which is, again, full circle. - Oh, they're so funny. - But she was like, I remember she was like, pressing Jason Nash about like, it's like, make sure that you respect Trisha. Like, we love her. - Wait, really? - Yes, she was like. - Fine man. - She's a team Trish on God, it was fancy. - And probably that interview, I was like, wow, we are a power couple. Look at us here at Access Hall. - Do I press tour? - Ah, it's cringey. I love this is actually so cringey. I'm so embarrassed by it all. But, again, it takes to a table, like, he was also like, in this, I was like, oh, what the fuck was happening? Like, it was, it's like a fever dream that I like cannot wake up from some time, but hey, it makes a good chapter, it looks. So, yeah, so you were like, always like intertwined. So yeah, then when, so it's 2020, and then, yeah, front of me starts in September of 2020. And yeah, I thought this was, I thought that was like, my redemption. I mean, I've been lucky. I've got a lot of redemption artists. I got a lot of, or third act, second act, fourth act. I got a lot of acts. I got a lot of second acts, you know what I mean? So, yeah, front of me is I really thought, I thought that was it. I was like, wow, I really found my stride. I, it was, yeah, it was fun while it lasted. - And also the pendulum of like, all of a sudden, like Trisha paid us having power. Or, I guess, believed, I guess it's the big thing too, right? - Yeah. - Like, again, it's like that trend of like, there's a man to like, co-sign you, then your word is taken, you know, as viable versus like, Trisha by herself, no one takes her serious. - Yeah. - But then, all of a sudden, to see the, I think I saw Tik Tok, I think the other day of, it was like cannons in the sky, like on a game style of like, people you guys were canceling, but it was like, David Dope, right? - Yeah. - Jeff Whitich, Shane, Jeffrey, it was like, anyone you called out. - Here by Jay, Jeff Whitich, everybody was, yeah, it was, yeah. - And so, was that from going to like, bottom of the bay, I don't know what even wanting to collab with you. To all of a sudden having that power, like, what was that like, to me? - Talk about like, borderline split. Oh my god, I was just like, damn, I have all the power. Like, both is bad. Happy like, no power, no one believe me. Then having like too much power and just like, yeah, it was, I needed, I definitely needed humbly. And that's what I learned about, talked about it last episode. I've learned about all the karma of it all. 'Cause it's like, like, obviously I'm good at talking. I'm good at podcasting. I love a key, it kind of was almost like a hot topics thing. Like, I feel like, it was, you know, we would talk about, yeah, whatever pop culture, I would bring in like topics that I wanted to talk about. And it was like a two hour thing. And it was, it was fun. It was kind of like, easy conversation. I talked a lot about myself, which I thought, you know, like the first couple episodes were just like all about me and Moses and stuff like that. So it, um, it was great. It started out, I think like, I think finally started out as like kind of like, dunking on me, not in like a bad way 'cause I was like, a down to be a part of it. But like, it definitely was like, stuff with me and Moses and stuff like I didn't want to be brought up. But I thought, okay, this is what we're doing. We're like, so now I took what happened to my relash really ship, and now I had Moses, even though he wasn't on camera. I was like kind of exploiting like our relationship for like views and thumbnails and whatever. And so I kind of thought that was just like the gag of it all. And then we did like, you know, are you smarter than a fifth grader where I think like, you know, he probably thought I was like really stupid or whatever. And then I don't know, it just became like, it was like fun. It was like a fun gossip thing to begin with. And we would poke each other. I feel like, okay, I don't know about this. Like I feel like, front of me is like, that was the whole point, right? Is that we like, it's in the name. Didn't like each other. Like it was like, it's not even that we didn't like each other. It's like we like each other, but we could like, like we were the only two that could like poke fun at each other. And also we were very similar. I talked about this in the book. Like Ethan's like a lot like Shane. Maybe it's the cancer and all of you or something like that. But it's like, you know, we are self deprecating and we both just like Shane just like Ethan just like a lot of us. Like had parents that were like, you know, we grew up like that or parents obsessed with weight. Like we just had a lot of like similarities and like issues. And so like we connected on that. So there was like that level of like bonding and obviously the chemistry and all that stuff like that. Um, but we pushed each other like unlike a Shane or like anything. Like it was really like obviously looking back. It was like toxic, but people liked it. I didn't feel toxic at the time. I don't know how to explain it. Like I thought that was our banter. It's like, oh, he's going to jab at me and, you know, me. I'd like that no I zero self words. I was like, jab all you want. I don't care. And then I thought that was reciprocated for me to do that to Ethan because he would go so hard on me. So I thought like, oh, I can go kind of like I did with like David. Like David did not give up. Like if you could call him anything and he didn't care. So I kind of thought that was like the banter with like me and Ethan and that's what people liked. And then obviously like our first fight, oh, I talk about like I knew something about like he had told me something in confidence and about pills. And he said I weaponized it and I, and then he asked me to explain myself. And then that's where that came off. And then obviously I felt embarrassed. I felt rejected. I felt humiliated. So then I cried. I walked off. That's our first fight, right? And then like the second fight is, you know, he's the whole, the whole first like month to three months is just me constantly being like me and Moses. Of our problems, he's airing out texts that I didn't want between me and Moses. Stuff that Moses texted and privately is going out there. And I'm like, I'm like, don't put that in. Like don't put that in. It gets in there. So obviously this whole thing is me and Moses. So I was like, I literally said like heartedly. I was like, hey, we should have heal on like because I didn't want people to think I hated heal on anything like that. And then he's like, don't talk about her. And then that's when the second fight happens where I'm just like, what the, like that's all we do is talk about it. And I said it nice. And he's like, don't talk about it. I'll stuff like that. And it was all on camera. I walk off again. And so I thought that was just like our thing because obviously I kept coming back each time. I mean that second one. I literally called heal. And it's like to me, I feel like that's like unfurlable. You're never back in my house. Like I feel like that happened with us. Like you're never, you're never getting back here. But he's like, yeah, you can come back. He's like, you can come back. Moses can't. I remember that one. The second one. He's just like him and he left on the phone with me. And they're like, yeah. We can continue front of me as well. Dr. Drew come back. But Moses no longer a lot. Moses came with me every episode. I don't know if people know that. You came with me and then that December they were like, you can come back but not Moses literally did nothing. Literally came back with pizza. And like what happened. So, um, so that was kind of like the beginning of that. And then I thought that was just like our banter. I was kind of like, well, I guess I'm just the crazy and like that's what people like. So whatever. And then I was like, kind of good, kind of fine. And then I don't know, I got over stuff easily to me. I was just like, whatever. It seemed like Ethan did too. I mean, call your wife. Like, you think I guess he's over. I guess she's over too. He was like, she was on the phone with me. And I was like, we don't care about that. Okay. So I was like, yeah, they're kind of, to me, I was like, they're chill, they're cool, whatever. We're just going to do this. And then, then it's fine, Jenny, where we come back and, you know, me and Moses get engaged. We bought a house. And there's like, no, mention that on the show. Like, everything was like tumultuous, like we hate each other, like a, whatever. And then when things started getting good, it wasn't really mentioned. Um, I guess you were on the Valentine's Day episode. I guess you came on the Valentine's Day one. Kind of. Yeah. Um, so it was kind of like fine, everything's fine. Um, and then what was the third one, the third one was the third one, who the hell knows what happened on that one? I remember even writing, I remember writing the book and my original manuscript, Confessions of a former Middle-aged drama queen that had just, uh, me as Tasha describing this. I was going to go like, brush past this. So once again, Shadow Alex, we're really asking the details and having me rewatch it because I never watched any of those fights before, um, or the walkoffs, I should say. And he's like, what was the third one? Like, what, like, you guys did all, you said all this crazy shit to each other? Like, what was the third thing that could have been, um, so awful. And I was like, you know what? I don't even know. Like I, I could not recall. I remember those two fights so vividly the first ones, but I could not recall the third. And then I went to go rewatch it. And I was like, I'm like, that was it. Like, I felt like, uh, something I was talking, I remember I was talking about like, um, was talking about. It was something I had to do with the game, right? Yeah. I was like, right. I was talking about like, I don't know, like something that I really felt passionate about, like something like, was it broke back around something? I was like, really passionate about this and yeah, I was like, gay rights. And literally he's just like, talking to Moses, do another piece, do another piece pizza. I was like, I don't know. I'm not even. Yeah. I was like, how? Like, hello. Like, what the fuck is your problem? Like, I was, I was just getting a little annoyed. And then he's like, then he calls it out of being like, you know, what, why are you mad? And so I was, I was annoyed about that. And then it turns into something else. Then it turns into you guys can rewatch it. If you want, then it turns into this whole other thing. And then it was constantly like, oh, what do you mean? What's wrong with the way I run my, my business? What's wrong with the way I run my pot? And then I was like, well, it'd be nice to have someone that gets me and what I'm trying to say. And I think I even brought up like hiring. They bring it up on that episode. I can't remember which episode are we after because I think what's happening is like, you know, the show this, you can feel when something loses steam. And the show is literally like this show, but Tricia would come with her phone with some hot topics. He would come with his phone with some hot topics. And we're trying to show somehow between those hot topics, like you said, between stories from life and all that. But sometimes if there's a slow news week or something, you can only imagine a show that was that good because of the dynamic. If there was one more person, let's say, like you that actually provides the hot topics, the news, the b-roll, that that was what I was feeling. That's what was missing, you know, and that's not what I was feeling. I was saying because, okay, so then at that point, it was, it was, okay, what I was saying is, like, he started involving more of the H3 crew, which we're involved in the beginning because we were a COVID show. So it was really just Dan, me and Ethan and then Moses was there, but like, did they didn't really like contribute anything to show 'cause he didn't have a microphone, I think. So Dan would be there too. And so he started incorporating more of his like H3 crew, which I wasn't so familiar with, but they like started coming around and they like started coming up with segment ideas and stuff like that. And I was just kind of like, which is fine. Obviously, like you said, this show was like losing some steam, Sam was great. She was always doing like those cute little bunny things and stuff like that. So she was great. It was good because there was only one female there at the time. There was no, he never hired women before. It was Dan Zachian. That was it. And then maybe, I guess, maybe two. But I didn't, and then Sam came later, which is anyways. So she came and I was like, well, she's great. Whatever. And I thought they were all fine. But I was like, oh, it'd be nice to have someone that kind of like understood me. That's where I was coming from. It wasn't even like, I didn't even think about like hot topics or anything like that. It was more just like, oh, it'd be nice to have like, where's the gay one? I wanted someone you know that understood. And you know, like the stuff we were doing. I remember watching too, 'cause you were trying to do more. I remember you were like pitching more like musical theater stuff or just stuff that you were interested in and then no one cared about it. So then it just like, you would, it would go into the void. - The circuses. - Yeah. - Yeah, I was, 'cause we were doing, we were supposed to do a rage room the next day and you know how I felt about that. And it was nothing against the crew. It was nothing in Ethan. Like I hate rage rooms. There's a whole thing obviously like growing up. There was a lot of like, tempers and my dad had a temper and stuff like that. I just do not want to do this rage room, which I actually-- - So we were like jumped in Hollywood like, three times? - Yeah, rage rooms, exactly. Rage rooms, I get really like triggered. I think that's like my biggest attraction to Moses is like his calmness, 'cause it's like, I get super, super triggered by that kind of stuff. Anyways, they didn't know I should have just probably told him that, but I was like, "Hot, it would be nice if I just like you said." And I think I said in the show like I wanted to do Cirque Soleil and he's like, "That's so crazy. Like how would we even come up with doing that?" I was like, "Well, you guys can come up with like, literally everything else. We rented the thing, which is why we did the Cirque Soleil." Like after, 'cause that's like, it's really not that hard. But anyways, I digressed it. And then of course it gets brought up. He's like, "Well, where do we get that money?" And I was like, "Well, isn't that the whole point of like, the highlights was all for production costs and like, what production costs?" So then the money, I think once I brought up money thing, I think obviously that was a trigger for Ethan. - Topic, yeah. - And so I talk about it in the book and stuff like that. 'Cause like it was, it truly was never about the money. Like I was actually like so happy with everything. It was more of like, "Where, oh, we have money for production." And specifically, the infamous 5%. It was like, he always said that extra was for the crew. It has it from day one of our text messages that he wanted to give them a little more. So I said, "Okay, we're making a lot." So that extra 5%, which is actually 10% if you think about it, 45 to 55, is actually quite a lot of money where we could hire another person. And he kind of was, he brought Sam on for everything. It wasn't just front of me. She was doing history as well. So I was like, "Oh, it would be kind of nice if like, I could have a say in that too." Because obviously it's our podcast. And I think it just like triggered everything. - 'Cause I think that's what comes down to it. Is it our show or not, you know what I mean? Like later on, are we equals in this or not? - Which he said we weren't later on. At first he was like, "Oh, we're like, we're equals." And then later on he's like, "We're the production company." 'Cause he was like, "I can show you all the money." And then he's just like, "Want the production company or just the talent of show you." Whatever. So I was just like, but he was like, weirdly after that happened. And I like walked off. I didn't think it was like, even that big of a deal. And then after I walked off and he was like, "Well, if you want to hire someone, I'm like, send me." And I sent, I send Oscars, I send to his resume, I send his thing, I said, "Oh, this guy, Oscar." Like he's, he's so great. Like he would be amazing. Ethan's like, yeah, done, like we'll hire him whatever. And then obviously something's happening. I don't know, I don't know, fronted exploding 'cause they get the front of me's episode earlier or if it's him exploding. I don't know what's happening. Next thing I know is like, you better not come, like don't come to the radio room tomorrow. Like let the crew cool off. Like they're not happy that you like want them all fired. And I'm like, "What?" Like we're, never in a million years would I say that. I think that's where like my frustration, my big, one of my biggest frustrations about the lies is like, in the final episode of front of me which everyone's released the episode. I was like, we can't, but I, I, what I appreciated about the last episode of front of me is we filmed it three weeks after this is like, I was like, look up the text 'cause he would say I wanted the whole crew fired. Then he said, "Well, you told me you want to come back if Dan was here, which I would never say 'cause who the fuck is running the show of Dan's not here?" Like we're just gonna say here and- - Dan did everything. - Dan did everything. I thought I got along with Dan fine. I don't know if Dan liked me in return. I thought we were fine and whatever the banter of it all. But I was like, what's up and I'm like, I literally sat there and I was like, fine, find that text. So then, you know, even sitting there for like, literally like 20 minutes of the final episode of front of me is, I was like, I can't find. And then he's like, sees, oh, well maybe I misunderstood what you said here or something. I don't know, like he was, there was clearly no text and clearly no text that I wanted the crew fired. So then that became a thing and obviously used it all and I guess just me saying I wanted to hire someone new is how he misunderstood that I wanted Dan fired. I don't know, I'm not really sure how that happened, but so then that became the thing. So the next day when he's like, you know, you should have come to the rage room, we'll just film the vlog on our own. Then I made the, the I, the I quit front of me's, which again, I thought I make this video. We get back Monday and everything is like fine again, but then he made the video the next day and yeah, just really went, yeah, just like completely, he went from like, you know, never abandon you. We're always there. Like nothing you can say will ever offend me till like, she wanted the whole crew fired and all this and then, you know, that's when everything turned in. We had a lot of power and obviously a lot of that was from Ethan's Reddit and stuff like that, which I wasn't like even on and I think that was, that was the bad thing about front of me's too. It was like, honestly again, another thankful thing that I ended, I was like devastated at the time 'cause it was, it was everything. It was like this whole redemption arc. It felt so nice to have someone have my back when it came to everyone from David and Jason to Mr. Ryanee to like all these things that felt so nice to have that support and then to have it all not only taken away, but like flipped on you is like, when I talk about karma and instant karma and it hit like a ton of bricks where I was just like, 'cause even if I'm in the right about everything I said about David, about Jason, but everyone like, I think that same amount of energy that hate train that we were making, you know, came back at me 10 fold and it like ruined my life and it continued to and yeah, and then we did that last episode of front of me's and everything was kind of fine. And I was like, wow, I remember we went to Chili's after and I was like, wow, like that felt so good that we both apologized and we both made amends. I did one final walk off and it was it. We weren't can continue. It was like episode 40 and that was it. And who's idea was the last episode? - Well, they just made this merge and I think one of them, he asked you to come back to to help promote the merge, because they put my name to make in the merge. And then so and you of course wanted to help them sell the merge so they're not, you know, financially stranded with that. - And I knew it would be a hit like I knew people would like be for it and especially the quality of their clothes back then I remember that I remember that the design was from a previous study first one, the half beige, half black and I, Ethan gave me his hoodie. Me and I loved it. I wore that hoodie all the time. I thought, oh my gosh, it's so great. I'm in front of me is we have that divide. I was like, this is like the perfect hoodie. Obviously he learned, it's had a fresh time. When we came up with that, I thought it was so cool. And I was so happy that he wanted me to even come promote it back. And obviously I wanted people to not hate me because I was getting three weeks of hate and I loved front of me and I thought, well, even if there's a chance it could come back in the future or we just end amicably, that would be so nice. And it was, it was like such a, so but then that day, I do remember he scheduled the day. I'm not going to just show up on announce. I remember he scheduled the day and I remember I was like, hey, like on my way or I'm here or something like that. And he's like, oh, like I forgot it was happening today or something. And I was like, okay. And we were just kind of sitting outside the gates. We weren't like even in. I'm like, do you want me to like weave or like, he's like, no, no, let's just do it. So obviously like caught him off guard or something. There was no merge. She didn't have the merge yet because we didn't wear it. I came with a pink and black hair because I was going to wear the merge and stuff like that. And then it wasn't, it wasn't there yet. But we ended up doing like a regular show. We talked about James Charles and our mutual. It was like literally a mutual, like something stupid. He was doing it. James Charles, like it was, it was like this mutual, like hatred, I suppose, but, but we did talk about like in the first half, like so much of what happened and we, we hugged, we cried. And then Dan, I think was the one that's like, you know, you should like walk off as part of like, you know, the final ending of it. I was like, that's kind of cute. So you could show all the times I walked off and now we're ending in a happy way. And yeah, after Chili's and then went to Chili's and I was like, oh my gosh, like that went so good. Like it's going to feel so nice that people don't think that I'm like wanting the crew fired. Like all this like just really wild stuff. And then yeah, and then he talks to me and said it was too much stress on Hila 'cause she was pregnant. I don't know what's true with him anymore. Like I don't know if he talked to Hila 'cause I don't know if she cared. I don't know, maybe she did. Maybe she didn't, maybe he didn't talk to her. Maybe he did. I have no clue. I can't really like speculate that. But he's like, it's just too stressful. Like everything Ethan always blames somebody. It's never like him just not wanting to air that episode. But I was like, damn, I am so sad. I was like, damn that really sucks. And so anyway, I was like, well, that sucks. That's not airing. Anyways, they put out the front of his merch. It sells out. They did give me 15% of that and so I know it did well 'cause I got 15% and I was like, well, damn, it did really well and it sold out. And then let's see what happened from there. And then kind of like all hell broke loose 'cause, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I guess, you know, I did the podcast with like Keemstar and that was like, to me, they were talking badly about me and then I went on Keemstar and they thought that was like the ultimate betrayal, which is crazy 'cause now they're friends with Keemstar. I don't know. And I think that's like what really set them off. And then that's when it was kind of like, it became aggressive, it became relentless, it became harassment, it became. 'Cause there's no middle ground, dude. They're friends of the show or you're an enemy. There's no middle ground. So even for me, I'm like, I have nothing to do with any of this. But me sticking with you, being with you means part of the enemy so I'm fair game now too. So attacks on all levels everywhere. So it's like, so that's just how it works and kind of like, and that's why people, a lot of people talk about like, very cultish in that way of like, there is no, you know, like the minute you are not in control anymore, the minute they can control you anymore, that's it. You're like. or you're a free agent, you're an enemy, you're not part of the cult. - 'Cause you've known them since the beginning, you've been so close to them. Like I feel like early on in front of me, I said something like-- - That was the number one fan. I mean, that was the number one. - Yeah, you were-- - Going from day one. - You like-- - Of course. - We're in vlogs, like there's vlogs of them, you know, back in like Israel Moses there and it's like mom's house and stuff like that. Like they're fans, new of you and stuff like that. Like I feel like you were, you were like close with them. So they knew you as a person. They know who you are as a person. They know you're a good person. They know the people you surround yourself with, who you worked with and like, they even on my first episode that I was on, where I mentioned you, they're like, he's a really hard worker. - But I always talked about me positively until they felt like they can control me. So then-- - Well, that's where, kind of, then I realized like, oh my gosh, this is getting like scary 'cause it wasn't just me. It was like Moses, obviously my sister. And you know, it just became really nasty. And I think of all the following that I've had, it's like fine if there's like truths out there. Even if there's not truth, even if I crashed a car to someone's like living room or something like that. It's like, I actually combat a lot of things, but it was like just a relentless. And it was just like, we were, you know, trying to get pregnant at the time. And they would see one little thing from like the IVF clinic where I did the HSG test and they would call that. It was just, it just became like so, so scary. Obviously the Mr. Reini stuff really came about. And, you know, Ethan calling for justice for him and the whole crew when everyone nodding and just being like, yeah, like she, like, it was insane. It became like really insane. They were promoting reddit that were really hateful and being like, I visited every day and everyone around was doing this and it was just, I could not. - So it also been going from being like, you know, she's my best tea or best friends, we're doing this show or the, to then, 'cause I think it was like a 45 minute video of him sitting alone talking about the wife, her enemy's ended. - Yeah. - And basically like, oh, and suddenly like just compiling, which is kind of like classic cancel culture, compiling everything possible that could be said about her, true or not true, making fine of my threads, anti-Semitic, right? So putting out there that she's anti-Semitic and pushing that agenda over and over again. - It's an article that was printed by Ken. That says like, here's all the ways to say anti-Semitic, which I've been sitting next to Ethan this morning. - Ryan Beard making video. Anyway, getting to a point where later on, it's more beneficial to say that she's a Zionist. So now, Tricia is a raging Zionist, right? Same person. - Call it a Jewish supremacist like the past month, I'm like in my anti-Semitic or my Jewish supremacist, like what is it? - This is the same person, but it doesn't matter. The people that follow, they're like a cult, it doesn't matter. Whatever he said, that's what we're gonna repeat and that's how we're gonna spam it 'cause that's what's going to create the most damage to the person that we're going after. So, but again, this is the same person. So you have to decide like one or the other, you can just pew every possible lie about people and then he gave him a moment. - I mean, we didn't hold Jewish trivia like he obviously knew, obviously being with you and then he would call you like a self-hating Jew, like it was just, self-hating Jew to Zionist, it was just like it was, it was, it was just like you couldn't combat it and then obviously all that time, I mean that's when I like, that's when I go through the psychosis in 2021 and you know, before I met Moses, didn't even know where Israel was. Like everyone's just like, oh, she's been this, they've been promoting this and there's misconceptions of things after October, what is October 7th of, oh, they're promoting like, they worked for Israel, never got paid for Israel, that like reality show we did. - Yeah, let's spread up ways. - The reality show did that they continued harassing. We both begged, we both begged after October 7th happened because that was filmed before. We're like, can you please beat, we have to beat it off the show because it didn't air for four years, that's true. - Well the thing is, the show aired so many years ago, Malibu was a few months old, like she was a baby, a few months old, right? So at least three and a half years ago. And then the show was about people that are from Israel that live in Los Angeles. That was the subject of the show and their lives here. - It's called the Marychans or something, what's it? - Yeah, okay. - Then after October 7th, they didn't know what to do with the show, they didn't know how to repackage it. And then they were like, let's make this show about Zionism. - And propaganda. And we're like-- - So they completely repackaged the show as a show that is there to promote Zionism. And then we called everyone, top to bottom of the company where we're not participating in this, we're not part of this, this is not what we signed up for and it's not what we believe in. So you can't do that and you can't use our children or friends or family and us to do that. And it really got to like a legal battle of like legality, right? And we were able at least to pull you out of it 'cause they didn't have the right documents for-- - I didn't sign. - To use your likeness. We did everything we could. So they did cut her out to the minimized my part to the minimum that they could, but they still used it against our will. And they blurred Malibu's face. But some people that signed the release forms, they still use them against their will. And again, then that's the danger of reality shows to everyone that doesn't know. - 'Cause they use reality shows or not. - You never get paid for it. We never got paid for it. It was everything that was-- - We had to pay. - So much. - For the party. They throw a party for Israel 75, and I knew nothing. And there's so many clips and I feel like I just want to say that's like one's in for all 'cause it's another thing that's like so frustrated here. You know, I never heard of Israel before Moses. I meet Moses and if Moses was Chinese, if he was Mexican, I would be going, it's like I am with like Ari and Tony too. Like anything, if there's a Mexican culture day, like I will celebrate any of it 'cause I love culture. I always say this, I always do. So I was like, I went hard into it. I was like, oh, we're celebrating Passover now. We're doing a Hanukkah. Didn't know Israel's first thing-- - She was trying to do that out of her love to me. And I love to the country. 'Cause she didn't even know-- - Didn't know where it was. Didn't know it was in the Middle East would never know. And then you showed me the, you don't mess with the Selhan, which is like my only introduction to Israel in Palestine, which is like Adam Sandler's Israel. And John Tattorro is like a Palestinian person who owns a restaurant here, and it's like, they make it very tongue-in-cheek and very like, oh, Palestine versus Israel in the US. And they end up with hummus. And it's just like, it's such a silly camp of movies. So there's early clips of me talking to Moses. And I was like, where is Israel? And she was like, no, you see the horror in Moses' space. - And you're just equating that with Adam Sandler. - Yeah, I was like, oh, it's like not that's it. I've never heard of it in my life, never heard. And I don't know if that's ignorant. I don't know if we weren't taught it. Never heard didn't know Israel was in the Middle East. - We would talk about it 'cause I would try to, you know, teach her about what my experience was and what we know. And even on the, just, on your original podcast, we're there, and we're talking about it. And I was trying to tell her like how awful the Palestinian experiences and how awful their life is. And you know, as much as life in Israel wasn't easy, that's nothing compared to what's going on in Palestine. And then even that was miscontributed by some people. But we were talking about that years and years ago, you know, and she never been there and she didn't know the experience. So we would always talk about it and try to learn about it. - Yeah, like no idea. And then obviously there's a reason why you're over here. IDF, all that stuff is like, you have to do that when you're over there. That's why Moses, like our kids speak Spanish and English. They don't know any Hebrew, not one. They call you Abba because that's how you grew up and whatever like that, but they don't know one thing. And as you should speak Hebrew to our kids and he is Moses' biggest fear. And as we know, people from that show too would have their adult kids that were born and raised in Beverly Hills go join the IDF at 18 'cause they're like conditioned to do that. So he's like the last thing I would ever want is Malibu to go to Israel and join the, and that's what they do. They learn Hebrew, they want to be a part of the culture. That's why people go over there. And I think a lot of people are Seth Broken, a lot of people who are conditioned to feel one way about Israel, like obviously learning so many truths now. Obviously that's horrific, but then for, you know, Ethan and Hila to bring up that Israeli reality show and be like, "Oh, Trisha, you're the biggest item. Why are you born out? You did this whole show." Like they, they watched every episode of it. They made sure people were aware of it. And it was like, it was, it was, it was, it's also dangerous to do that because that's not our views. We chose to be out of the show. And I went from being an anti-Semite where business insider, cast writing an article that's in print forever, Ryan Beer saying, "I'm a Nazi, all these things." To now, oh, now I'm a Jewish promise. I'm the most raging Zionist ever. And that's all I keep seeing. So it's just like, so frustrating. And why do people say that? It's because of, it's because of Ethan. Like he just would, he'd be really relaxed. Like they got paid for it. The Israeli government is paying them. Like stuff like that. And like completely falls, there's no. That was at a time before the podcast. We were trying everything. One of your friends was like, they're looking for Americans reality. The reality show. They needed to do it or not. But we were literally unemployed, you know? And we're like, okay, something comes your way. You do it, you do the best you can. And we're just hoping it would lead to something anyways. It would like lead to something, whatever. It was, it was stupid. And I was stupid. And obviously I've said a lot of stupid things. But then obviously when the, when that, when October 7th happened, I mean, that just changed the everyone, the whole world, the way we see Israel and how it's all, it's all horrific. And obviously, yeah, all those old clips is like, it's horrific. And we never shared those, you never had those beliefs. We never perpetrated any of that propaganda. Anyways, we never kept it going. But people, people makes up your love and respect to me. And what you think is my culture. At least what you thought is my culture. Because even like, you did this song, I love you Moses. And that's where we had that big flag. Yeah, I thought it was a Jewish flag. It's like it was for the music video. So then, you know, when we had this show, that flag was stored somewhere in the garage. And like, I'll say like things come from a place of her loving me and trying to connect with my culture. And then over time, realizing what the culture is and what things are, you know, good and what things are bad and what things, and why I actually don't identify with that culture. And why you left it and all of that. And I didn't know. So when they take time, it takes time to learn that. They sell the IDF shirts in the airport that is, like, you know what I mean? So I'm like, to me, it's like like the airport too. They say California's like, well, you know, that's like no idea. Like, you know, we're everyone so proud of military here. Like, no clue. Like, no clue. And I wouldn't even say that to just like, excuse anything. Other than like, just blindness, like stupidity ignorance, all of it, like I had zero clue. I just thought it was something, I don't know. Like I do that I do is I love cultures. And I try to like incorporate it. So, all I have to say is like-- - It's absolutely into your husband, it's an ad link. - Yeah, and it's-- It's all it's all sad. We do know Israeli people also don't support the government and it's it's all sad Like there's that's real human people is like we don't support do we support Trump? No, it's like but we're here in this country And it's like it's just sucks that we're get that association anyways I mean side track all that to say is like you know for years anything that was brought up You know if we do anything like a kid video with our kids. It's like oh my gosh Like he called it child abuse for aqua man to be named aqua man like it's just I'm getting a little side track But it was 2021 that was it would all come to a head not normal like You know exposed saying back and forth. It's like a very intense very below the belt targeted I mean dangerous is like it's not normal Hey, I feel like a lot of people don't really know all the details either But like there is so much in like the whole I mean it's like weaponizing your sex work It's anytime you had any time we had any kind of up like small sponsorship not a huge spawn It'd be like no just enough to pay us in the beginning. Yeah gone gone. Yeah And because of the harassment I mean up until this year they were doing and like luckily companies know and they could see it Because he was like targeting and like saying all this stuff and like Zionism and this I mean again I don't know we can what we have time for but like the Gemini Ramsey video - I see that get brought up all the time And it was like literally a monologue work that I was doing for acting class and obviously there was similarities But it was not know if it wasn't fetish. It wasn't mocking anyone It was like an acting monologue that I was doing because I used to post it all the time There's ones from American beauty. There's ones from different and it was this like monologue that I was doing and everyone's like Back it's brought up and it just it's just countless countless things that are just like untrue and it gets taken out And he spins it that way and it's just been years of this and it's just every major life event I had right after the wedding. It's it's Gloves off and he just goes insane on us and it's just like after we have a baby before my family like from everyone He was like damn like they're not here anymore. I can talk gone now. I can say whatever And what is it? Drusha's mom the woman she allowed look all this crazy shit and then even every time we had a baby every talk about Oh, you don't want to post the last episode of frenemies because he was pregnant You have Ethan's mom texting Moses. It's she hasn't scared because it's Trisha I was pregnant three years and the and harassment didn't stop from either of them or anyone on the crew Like it just all our babies everything. It's just a mocking the Elvis name. They were mocking Aquaman when when Elvis was born they said it early and stuff like that because your family obviously told them and just like really Nasty is just every major life event I had it was just like how can they make it about themselves? And so I guess all that to say it just feels like Relief and I don't the last thing I want to do is like continue on like I don't want to do like victory laps I don't want it like continue on it. I'm I'm happy enough with just the piece and I feel like If this is my one chance to say it because again when I do interviews They do ask about the frenemies. They don't go in depth like this like that I just feel like for so long all these lies were being told and it's just like there was no chance to like Say set a record straight and there's no victory here because there's no war we were never we were just trying to leave in peace And that's it. We've been waiting that white flag. We're just trying to leave our life. That's it. There's no victory here like everyone Everyone is hurt including their own fans like I used to be their number one fan. I used to watch the show religiously And and I know what it's like, you know, they have fans that are followed them from the beginning when they were just two young artists starting their way in the world gaining success and really building an empire and Everyone were you know rooting for them behind them watching them and it was for the majority of their fans They're people that watch them every day And suddenly that's gone that whole thing is gone the whole dream is gone You know because whenever you would go to their shows me then great it would be couples just like them The basically be the same, you know what I mean? It's like quirky guy and and when that is shattered in front of your eyes I mean, so all of their fans are left now with the grief and the this huge hole, you know of something that was part of their life for many many years Everybody has lost everybody lost something here He lost the family like everyone. This is nobody won. There's no victory laps and there's no Nothing good came out of it. This is like a really really horrible situation and so I say all of this stuff because it's just like It feels just like I can like breathe and I can set some record straight because I would have loved to I wouldn't even say combat Just like defend ourselves because it's honestly like when it's like lies It's like but that there is no truth to that and it's like you can only do so much and like the energy give it to you So it's like it feels like the one time I can just say it all and then like I would love to never talk about it again And I feel like I won't after this I feel like even even before the book came out and everything that like when I was doing interviews like at the beginning like 22 or 23 I would tell people like I don't want to talk about Fridays I don't know how about Ethan or whatever like that But in the past couple years like no one even brings up I don't have to give that disclaimer like it is such a people are like it was five years ago Yeah, I mean it's it is so far back and it was a moment in time But it was only nine months and I think like to your point to a lot of the fans were sad that I was over because everyone watched every week So I'm sure they were angry at me because they thought I ended it or that I wanted it to M and so it just is like Yeah, it's just kind of like the end of this chapter And like I I hope everything as well and like they they're with the kids and like I hope the crew Like I would never wish what they wished on us which was cancellation losing our livelihood like I see the videos from their crew I see people scared for their jobs and it's the worst place to be and I We were there and we lost all of it and the harassment ever stopped and I like wouldn't wish that on anyone So I hope things change. I do believe people can change as well someone literally ask me the other day Like do you think you think in change? I'm like, I hope I hope there's like a rock bottom that you have to hit where you're like Damn, I need to like change it up a little bit and even when we started this podcast Like when we started to hot topics and I was like I don't know if I want to go down that road again because it brought so much drama back to me And that's why I'm really proud of the way we do handle hot topics on here and stuff like that like it can be lighthearted and anything that serious We I definitely not I said this to the day to like I'm definitely not throwing stones anyone or judging anyone because I think I'm the perfect person to like talk about people's cancellations because I've been there And I can look at it with like empathy and stuff like that and the people obviously that are horrible We can have like a key about like if they have a good domestic violence or a zack does or something like that We can be serious about it and it's not just Having power and berating people we hate it's like looking at things with nuance and still having a good time So I remember when we first talked about just church I mean Oscars literally like I loved watching front of me because I love finding you like discovering new things or hearing about a new topic And that is like kind of how this evolved and we evolved into something so much more But it was the beginning and I was like oh, that's great to kind of have like a healthy version of everything I loved about front of me's which was talking and having a friend to talk to and Relating to experiences we had together and also talking about stuff that's you know We both love gossip. We both love being online and it feels like a very healthy way to do it and I love doing it And I feel like I can have a lot more like empathy and sympathy for people Including everyone involved in this including heela including Ethan including the crew Because it's just an awful place to be and It's I see them all beg for Privacy or understanding or like, you know, don't do this and we'll make it worse for us and stuff like that Like I know that feeling of like just wanting it all to end and people to just like stop talking about it and Like yeah, I hope everyone like moves on and I think for us what we talk about now is front of me's And then the fallout for me was way worse than what happened on front of me's to me front of me's was fun It was a key it was a gag even being triggered whatever It was the aftermath that was like so hard and just you know Being so awful to Moses like just being so nasty you'd go so hard for you It's like I love Trish But he'd be like Moses suck my dick and I was like my kids are seeing that everyone was so concerned about everything And I was like my kids will see that one day like This is deportable and then to have everyone be like I wish the kids could be together and because in some like Look how he's talking about their dad and calling him all these names and just constantly like antagonizing you for literally nothing Moses has said absolutely nothing before during after nothing like I always got a loan on camera and told my story They were always together the crew Ethan. He like everyone's talking Attacking me. I was always by myself. I was always solo Moses kept out of it and Remember to just keep attacking like that hurt the most and that's when I would get really upset as when I would see him And I'm like it's never ending. He's just antagonizing you and Because we were literally were in the upside down world. That's what it was because it's like he'll go on air to talk about how much He care like my mom, right? Like oh, he's calling his mom. He's doing this leave your mom alone Make you know, don't you care about her that like You're attacking her son online which creates the whole rift in the family and then you go and claim That I'm the one hurting my mom and then you go and chant with your cold family family family And you watch that and you're like Am I in the upside down world right now like how is this even possible that it's all happening right now Like in none of it makes sense and somehow some people Find it either entertaining or making sense like all of it is just like the most Insane thing I've ever seen in my life and that's why I categorized as a cult because like the nothing There's nothing about it. That is logical You know, it's it has to be just plain Believing something It's weird like I can't even it was always centered on you and then it was like just the weird thing because we were always close to Their family and your mom was always over here and everything was fine when we he talked about we ran into him one time After front of me is at this Christmas thing. It's because I saw your mom It just came to our house and we cooked and we were all cooking together and then I saw her and that's when I saw Ethan and Hila I say hi. I'm just like hi Moses is just like you know just there But it was it's it's so sad how all that ended because we were so close and everything and it just It's it's the whole thing is just a really a really sad and then when you like stop to really think about it It's like And for what? Why? Like what? Because front of these and like what what is the reason for all of it? Like we were fine. We were amicable. Like I surrendered back in September, 2021. That was the last time I ever talked about them. And hopefully today marks the last time I do. I talk about them about in this capacity. It's like I would love to look back and be like, damn, front of these was great. It ended crazy. And then I have it just be a chapter in my life. Like I talk about everything else. But it just was just it's been just constant anxiety and stuff like that. But it feels yeah. And I did when I go back to like for what? Like for for front of me sending like what what did we do for five years of harassment and bullying and just like being relentless and never ever saying anything? It's just an obsessive nature and it's yeah. Like I told you guys before I think it is like you were in a way like that patient zero because I think two people how to see a play out be like cyclical and kind of have a play out over and over again. Unfortunately someone like Hassan who I'm sure you know Ethan found some digital footprint of him to but that he could weaponize but for the most part very much seen mentally stable like so someone like a man who presents himself authoritative is has a reputation of being sensible and then kind of saying the same cycle of like left the show then ask like weaponize it against him. And it's not again it's not like normal fallout. It's like a full blown like hate campaigning where it's like everything you say and do is monitored and any little slip up that can be weaponized against you will be weaponized against you. And that played again that's why I said enemy of the week like you really need a thumbnail in his title and whoever you could hyper fix it on to hate that what he would take advantage of you know so fit if Hassan with how to light week was back to you or if there was a lot to do that he could use you know Casey tron so it's like very much this weird cycle and I think again in retrospect maybe kind of looking back at friendings with the power you had you both had to like knock down anybody you know if you can knock down Jeffery star and Shane Dawson who were like you know 2018 2019 kings yeah then it's like and you get so rewarded for that and Monterey in interviews. So it just becomes like maybe there's some kind of addiction there to that feeling of just taking someone down I don't know what it is again very important to say it's like it's not a normal it's like literally this have using a whole fan base to monitor every single move also combing through the ironically what's happening to him right now with having someone go through and clip any single thing that can be and will be used against you you know it's like it's very abnormal it's not like normal internet usage or social media very intense obviously and yeah I mean it's just it's so cyclical and obviously again timing wise this book had this release date no matter why it's for literally nine months like it's been this really yeah it's I don't know but also like important for me to read or like we you never want to mention again for like the piecing for maintain the piece but it's also it's so difficult when if you give that attention to someone who wants it so bad so they can do the back and forth like again it just it would be non stop and it's like again they people would go after me when I started working with you they go Jimmy when he started it like it is like relentless everybody abnormal it's very odd very weird behavior and it is such a weird relief that now you can actually say this stuff and also not have that anxiety of like here we go what what's going to be used and weaponize against me now that's in here so that is like this crazy carmatic mode I don't even know how to describe it really is just seeing it all happen like people being like you know just give us privacy and I'm like that's actually insane because you would like they said if it was the other way around it would be joyous and be resulting I mean they were just trying so long to project that I hate Moses on this podcast and I was just like so it's yeah and I can always reference the book and I'm thankful I wrote it and I feel like I wrote about it everyone who read it all my agents everything that is just like you were actually like pretty nice to eat that and I was like I think I I know I wrote it in like a way that it was like I did value him as a friend I did really like him I liked our time on front of me's it was the aftermath that like obviously I turned my life around I really had had another rock bottom and like a lot of it due to myself the you know the cancellation stuff like that to get like my spiritual awakening and kind of recenter myself and kind of humble myself because again karma hit me really quick that like let me figure out what I'm doing wrong because I keep having this happens so I tried to write as factual as possible in the book like I really kept it to like the main points which is like the crew being fired that was not true the Mr. Reini of it all and like the money of it all which I only talk about because in relation to like hiring crew and stuff but other than that I try to keep my emotions out of it my bias out of it and yeah like I'm just glad that because that's the piece that I want to live on forever and obviously this and the aftermath of all this it's like what's going on now is just really crazy timing and also something that I don't it's not a part of our narrative because we just are not in their lives anymore and I can't really speak to it because I don't know any of those people involving most of the people in the crew I didn't know when I was on front of me so I don't I don't know what's happening there it's all it's all wild and in general we try to steer away from it because it's just like it is just like this negative energy it's relentless and it's not you know I see people speculating about stuff now it's just like it's just what's the point I don't need the energy and yeah just yeah hopefully things change I think like everyone is saying it's it feels like the internet's a little more peaceful because you had someone judging everyone so harshly for every little thing it was it's a lot it was stressful for a lot of people my last question for you how validating was it when you fought over like highlights channel and everything and then miraculously before pub day you know it's like he has a slip of to say how much he made from oh well that was crazy did he say it recently it was like a couple months ago it wasn't that long ago like a year maybe less than a year yeah okay so that that's crazy too so yeah I don't know maybe it is my divinely protected I don't know what I don't know like I said or truth always comes out and stuff like that so yeah that was I guess that was the big thing right is like especially I guess to go back to that like end of front of me is in him like throwing me under the bus I mean he he really he did say it in his own words is that he made no money on front of me he said he said he put all the money into it he's like Trisha got a lot Trisha profited but I made none which I was like okay okay so I talk about how much I make and then I was like you know obviously I get 45% and that was just the main channel then about a year ago he yeah Ethan says that he made the highlights channel was making more than his main channel and he said around 2020 2021 which is which is front of me and every highlight every everything was Trisha even if I wasn't on the show I was the title even if it was always Trisha every highlight getting million so we got 6 million on once a week episodes they would do sometimes the highlights came up for the episode and I was like what the hell so that was getting like millions of views like 3 million 4 million on a lot of those highlights and that's why I started like sideying I was kind of like like what then I saw front of me was getting up early and there was a whole membership for the I was like what like what is what is happening so the highlights was the main one and then that was you know it was like I'm just going to keep all the highlights so I can hook the crew up and cover production costs so that's where I came in and so when he was saying he was making like 5 times what the main channel was making we were making a lot and if you read the book I disclose how much I was making at the height so obviously we know what the whole channel was making but then making 5 times that amount on highlights when he told everybody that he made no money is crazy when the merge came out he said he put all the money into the merge and if people know by the merge they're going to lose all the money yeah he's going to lose all the money and again he made everything he made everything to the merge they made a lot of the merge again I got 15% they made a lot I think there was like a restock there was it's just it's just frustrating because it made it seem like he made no money I was the greedy one I took all the money but unless the crew got unless they were making 7 figures a month maybe they didn't get the whole highlights channel in that case you know but then later on he would go on Jeff and say I don't know where to sure got that because Dan was there at the final episode and I was like oh you said he's like no I never said that I was like but no like right literally right here I have the text messages like so I think that's also yeah what was frustrating but also yeah validating because you can you can never really prove anything you can see the views obviously but then to have him say it I think yeah Ethan loves to just tell on himself I think that it's just like it for better or for worse I mean I guess he'll just eventually reveal himself and and like loves yeah I love to shift the blame but yeah it's what a roller coaster it's so funny because it's at the end of my book and when we're going through like all my like life events and manuscripts and stuff like that it was like right before Christmas break and we were trying to wrap it up before Christmas break and I was like okay he's like well do you want let's just discuss anything about front of me's or Ethan I was like oh god I was like I just told you yeah I was like I just said a whole life story we do front of me's I was like okay great it's over the books like happy ending everything's great I have Malibu my favorite chapter chapter 18 I have it topped and that's pretty much the book from there most is I live happily ever after and nothing ever hurt me again thanks for reading and there's about a hundred pages left I know I really thought that was it I'm like that's the end and then I have my baby and everything is fine and then yes there is there's a few more tests that the universe would give me to be like are you healed did that meditation work Trish and it did it did test me and we get into too. A little bit of that as well. And we meet a whole there. That's that's the thing. It's like we just went through all that right. This is oh my god like two and a half hours. We just went through all that. And there's still like so much so much the drug use the air and I mean little this that's why I was like. I mean, I made that tick-tock jokingly. Where it was like, damn, that's a lot to go. That's a lot to deal with. But damn, ever since it's another one another one another one. I'm like, it is crazy. It's like crazy that you're alive genuinely. I'm like, I mean, then after that, I mean, it's like I literally, I talk about like the person that had the most evil in them. And it wasn't anyone that we've just mentioned this episode where I was like, we I actually got like these people are bad people. Ethan might be arguably the worst. But there's like an actual evil that I felt from somebody that comes after that. That I was like, what the hell? And that's what I knew. But that's what I knew. I was like, I was on the right path to healing. And I just again, power in silence, power in meditation, and all that stuff like that. But obviously you guys can't read that because at the end of the book. And then my, yeah, my finale includes Oscar, which is great. You're like your little part in it. Yeah, it made me cry when I read it. I did and full transparency did go to see that first. I was like, where do I come out? And I was giving through and I got to it. I was like, what page are you on? Is it towards, it's like towards the end, right? Yeah, it is. I should have bookmarked my own. Oh, you did bookmarked my own. Oh my gosh. That was made one of my favorite parts. I know it was so sweet. It's kind of like acknowledgments at the end. It's like my life is right now. And it's a great way to end this book of my life. Obviously my next 38 years will be the next book. But hopefully it's all off the kitchen floor. Hopefully it's me just sitting up in. Oh, I'm so dumb. I did bookmarked it. Okay, free 51. And this one is Oscar. My Oscar at Joey Graceff is infamous Christmas party in 2016, but it was his work as a journalist that really won me over. Wow, that was so sweet. It's so true. We've done several interviews over the years and each time I'd walk away feeling completely seen. He just gets me. His questions are interesting. He's well researched. And he has the spunk that energizes me like nothing else. He was the perfect addition to just Trish. I wore that one and only and he made it what it was. It was so successful. You still are even doing this whole interview. Wow, you were so good. I was like, can I really do forget how amazing. Took a few a few trials. It's a guy here. We tried so much the times of trying to work together. I mean, obviously the front of me's was like the biggest one, but this is about the years. I was like, I kind of really want to work with Oscar over sharing, which we didn't get to, but I wanted Oscar for that. And I just it never was working, but like thank God again, just like having babies with anyone before Moses. I thank God it didn't work out because like had you got, you could have been one of the H3 crew members. You could vote. I mean, for better work. Sorry, maybe that timing for that. No, I mean, I mean, from the perspective as like, I can only imagine how many questions about topping and bottoming. I would have been getting. But I mean, they really didn't. So how do you. They need it. Oh my god. That's right. You know, whole segment of that to where you're just asking. Anyways, they probably, they probably needed you. It probably would have, maybe you would have stayed on the right on the right path. But yeah, I need any of those people, you know, you could have gone to work with. And I could have lost you. So this was the perfect, um, perfect thing. And I'm so thankful. Thank God. I know. And this is like, we're going on year four together. Yeah. Over 300 episodes. Think about, front of you just 39 episodes. And I thought that was an accomplishment. I thought my relationship. Almost 40 episodes again. Yeah. Technically 40. The last Friday visa. Where is that? I guess we talked to a lawyer one time. Like, you could like transcribe it. I guess you can like, transcribe a thing. Um, but, uh, same thing Moses, like my long story ship was not even a year. So it's like, damn, we really, we really, uh, thriving out here. And it's really great. And I am very appreciative of, um, everything that I went through in the book and friendships and even the shame and all of it. It's like, there's, so everybody in the book is like a lesson helped me learn something. And I think that is life is when you go through some turmoil. Like, there's always like a lesson. And I, I've learned so much from the situations. And I'm very lucky that people care about this book. And I'm really, I'm really, really proud of it. And I feel like I lived my life as like a movie and TV show. So, I mean, it's like my baby. Jesus Christ. It's 20 seasons on NBC and risk a hard day. If you want to pick this up, you know, um, I, yeah, it became a book. And hopefully, you know, I don't know. Maybe it can be maybe made of sea free. We'll play and play me. I don't know. We'll get somebody else with homes. Um, yeah, I'm, I'm happy. It's out. I'm very, uh, I'm very, this felt better than to talk about it because it's like, we really did go through everything. And I was like, most you don't have to read the book. You just heard everything. Actually, now I want to read it. I want to hear all this. Yeah. Yeah. There's, it's good. And the audiobook is good because I do narrate it. So if you guys want to get the audiobook, I'm, I'm really proud of it. And, um, like, yeah, at least it's all, it was all not in vain. There was a story to be told. And get it now. Crying on the kitchen floor. It's everywhere. I'm currently on a book tour that you guys already sold out. So see you on the next one. I suppose. And, um, thank you, Oscar, for that. That was so good. You were so good. I mean, I could have done a whole six hours. At this point, I'm like, there's a, there's a part. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we guys, we filmed almost three hours today. So if you guys want to go over to Patreon, we'll probably, um, they'll probably be some stuff that was edited. Maybe it'd be Oscars unedited. Maybe I'll be a little bit of everything. Um, you guys can go over there. We'll put some stuff. Maybe that, uh, Jimmy's like, don't put that in the main episode. Put it on the Patreon or something. I don't know, you know, be talking too much. Once it's like, also we've been in here for a while. We had McDonald's in us like once it starts flowing as much like those podcasts. You don't even have to give me a question. I'm just going to, I'm just going to share over sharing the sequel of the book. Um, but anyways, thank you. And thank you Moses for, um, sharing your input. I know it's, uh, not your favorite thing to talk about either, but I appreciate it. And thank you for letting me share my perspective of our love story. High love story ended great. That's like, we do have like a perfect marriage. I know you're like, oh my god, because I have a perfect marriage. I'm like, I didn't start perfect, but we have, we really worked hard on it. And we really do have a very easy, perfect marriage. Now I can say that confidently, considering we already went through the turmoil. So I think we have the backup. Yes. It was all out there at the beginning. And honestly, don't recommend it, but you know, it worked for us. And now we're, now you know, Moses, it's really, Moses took understanding my conditions and you really nailed them and know when I need a, a serious break and everything. That's why I appreciate it. And thank you guys for watching. Oh my god. Just Trish. The reason I have a book is because if you guys this podcast is everything, this is my true redemption arc second act, third act, fourth act, like I'm so thankful, encore, encore. Yeah, we're done. We're going to keep just Trish going for another 20 years. It'll be here forever. We'll always be here. Well, you, I hope so. All right. Stay tuned for our next episode. I'll still be on my book tour, but we did get some pretty great guest blast from the past little nostalgia, which I'm very excited for you guys to see first time on camera, first sit down in a, since the incident, talk about past drama. They'll be here live in person in the next episode. We love you guys. If there's hot topics happening this week, hopefully we'll cover it next week. I know. Gosh, you know, there are always something that's going down. And then here we are just being like, so back in childhood, but we'll be back for more hot topics. We love you guys. And we'll see you in the next one. Bye guys.