Tripping For 7 Days Straight w/ Dave Landau | Your Mom's House Ep. 868

This is what I like about people closer to my age is that you just get stupider and sillier. Yeah. You're like, I don't know, but younger people are not there yet. They don't want to look stupid. I know, but then you just realize that all times are times to look stupid. Yeah. It's so fun. You're just going to look stupid regardless. I know. And then once you have kids, you should look stupid. I know. We're rolling, right? Oh, I wish you had that. Yes. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I agree. Should we meow again? We should meow, meow, meow, meow. No, but you're right because you're going to look stupid. And then as you age, you do look stupid. Physically, you look stupider. Yeah, I'm slowly getting stupider looking. Just based. My Polly Walnut's hair is coming in. It's just the worst. Oh, you're gray? You're silver dogs? Yeah. Yeah, they come on just the side, though, like the wings. I'm getting used to that. Wasn't that, was it the Batman character? Whose boss had that in, like, the old comic books? Was it Superman? Someone did. I want to say it was from. Spider-Man. Was it Spider-Man? Yeah. J. Jonah. Yeah, that's kind of cool, though. Yeah. Anyway, Dave Landau, thank you so much for, you extended your stay in Austin just to do my show, and I'm so grateful. Please clap for Dave Landau. He's a very funny man. Thank you. I'm happy you asked me. Oh, I love you. Thank you. Thank you. I got to see you at Mothership this weekend. Yes, it was really nice to meet you. Oh, my God. And I was like, please, come on the show. Please. I love you. You wore an Eraserhead t-shirt, which I haven't seen one in decades. Yeah, I'm a big David Lynch fan. That's so, see, but you don't look like you'd be into weirdo David Lynch stuff. I love David Lynch. I've loved, I think the first time I watched him, I was like 11, and it really got me into like that independent film boom in the 90s, because it was probably like 93. And just watching a movie that made no sense with like a fetus baby and a woman. Eraserhead, yeah. Yeah, just mommy loves you and that stuff. It was just great. That's so good. Yeah, it's just. Well, because I've been following, we talked about this, but we'll just rehash the old conversation we had on The Green Room. I follow David Lynch on, well, now he's dead, but on TikTok, there's all these great short little blips of just of him. And you're like, God, he was so interesting. And I wish we could have just seen more of him. That's what I like is his outlook. I like his outlook on life, which is just everything's chaos. Yeah. Like how he put a movie together, which if you take his masterclass, it would work for no one else, which is why I love that it's a class. Yeah. Because it's just write an idea down on a piece of paper and put it to a board. And then once you have 80 of these, that's your movie. Just that's it. Yeah, that's it. No sequence, no. Nothing. No cognizant. But isn't life like that? Because that's the point you realize when you get older, you're like, oh, like Wild at Heart is. That's a documentary. Yeah. There's no happy ending. It just keeps going. There's no. Well, nothing makes sense. So why should a movie make sense? Thank you. That's what I liked about him. Well, that's what I like, too, because I get so annoyed with like the narrative structure of films. It's like so corny. Like, can we just have a. I kind of like why I like foreign movies like French movies, because sometimes it's just about nothing. It's like just people talking and having feelings. Horrific depression. I love that part. It's the best. I know. Because like everybody's depressed. Yeah. It's just a black and white suicide letter. It's really, it's really nice. What I love about not even go back. But the one thing I learned about Lynch last week was that he used real human brains when Dennis Hopper dies in Blue Velvet. It was that particular to him. I've always wondered why that looked a certain way. Bring it up. Yeah. Real human brains. Because. But why? Like he could have just had. Nobody is going. Are those real human brains? No one's going to test. You like I didn't think it was authentic enough. And he's like, well, these came from, you know, hungry. That's the best character I think ever. I know. Just doing the animal nitrate. The anal nitrate. Bring it in, sweet potato. This is Tyler, everybody. He makes the coffee at your mom's house. Hi. Hello. He's got the greatest hair and he usually wears shorts. But today he's not, which is very upsetting because it's hot out. He wears like this short like these. Like, he's gone like they're a little too short for the workplace. Like, you should not. It's a style for younger people and I don't care for it. I don't care for it. No. Especially, well, on men, especially it's not, it's not okay. Right. Well, it looks like you're wearing your short pants. Do you talk to him about it? Mommy, I will put my short pants. Everybody talks to him about it. Yeah. They're like, listen. No, but we encourage it. Oh, you want to see how short they'll go? Of course. Yeah. And like we at YMH encourage shit behavior. Like we're not going to tell him. We're not going to tell him not to. No. Just slowly gaslight him into doing it until you're like, look, we, we can't have you here anymore. That's fire. These are offensively short. So end of eight to HR. Just until there's hair. Oh, pubic hair. Yeah. I know. That's how short some of them are getting. Well, I see these little girls wearing long t-shirts and then. That's it. Just underwear, I guess. That's it. And you're like. Yeah, it's, it's I don't know. I can't say anything. It's weird in my forties. I don't care for it anymore. Well, I should care for it. Well, but yeah, but you have a kid. That's the problem. Yeah. And then you're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. Pussy's hanging out. Yeah. This it's your pussy. Oh, your beavers hanging out. And this is your fault. Thank you. It's because of how you were dressed. Yeah. It's your fault. You should apologize to him for dangling that in front of him. Oh, there's Tyler shorts. Bring it back. Bring it back. Why'd you do that for? Those are his shorts. Oh my God. I don't know why it's so zoomed in like that. That's not. No, it's great. Those are Lulu lemons. Aren't they? They're very tight. Those are like biker shorts for him. He's got confidence in those legs. Those are, is he Lebanese? There it is. There's the whole. Wow. It's cute though. Right? Like, I don't think it's bad. It's a converse. It's definitely something a young woman would wear. Look at what Tom's there. Tom's like pointing at him, making fun of him. Tom's wearing shorts too. Matching shorts. Yeah. Couple of gay lords wearing shorts. Yeah. He really is just. Yeah. He's like, your shorts are gay. Mine are fine. Mine are fine. You're just a pod claw in the kettle short. Yeah, exactly. It's a bit much. Oh, fuck. We gotta talk to Tim about this. It's ridiculous. Yeah. That's a. I hate shorts. I'm not. Fuck off. I hate shorts. I hate shorts. I hate shorts. Fuck off. Fuck. I hate them. I hate them on me. My wife makes me wear them. What do you mean makes you wear them? She thinks I should wear shorts. She's like, you have good legs. You should wear shorts. But I don't want to wear them. Look at this fucking. They're so. You're so vulnerable in shorts. I just think they don't belong on a man. I don't think so either. My parents were like that when I was young because I'd wear big baggy pants and my dad always liked that because I'm five, six and he's like, good job. You figured out a way to look shorter, you idiot. And but I just would never be like 100 degrees outside and I'm just walking around, you know, wigged out in my giant nineties pants. Of course. Like I was gothic in the San Fernando Valley in the nineties and I wouldn't fucking wear shorts. No, you're getting heat stroke. Dude. Proudly. For a look. Valiantly. In my velvet capes. Like fuck you. Fuck summer. Like I don't, I don't even acknowledge summer. I was not a summer person. No. No. It's ugly. Yeah. Not, not then at all. Unless you were in the car and the air conditioning was up, then it's fine. Can I tell you? What I hate more than shorts on men, uh, sandals. I don't care for them either. Really? I'm not a flip flops. I understand if you're going to a beach. Sure. Cause that's the only time you're going to wear them. Sure. But if you're rocking sandals, like you're Jesus, it's just not a look that I feel that belong. Yeah. The Birkenstocks. God, they're so ugly. And the thing with Birkenstocks is that they're all worn, like everybody's got the black worn-out bottom to them. Like the cork gets all dirty and worn and it, they just look dirty all the time. Your feet look dirty to me. Well, you can also throw a nice pair of socks on under, and it looks like you were chemically castrated by a jury or the most looking shoes or Russian, like it's a very Slavic you think it's so ugly. Fuck. I hate summer fashion. I think that's what it is. It's just hard to look cool. Oh my God. Yeah. The croc clog thing. Fuck off. Kids love crocs too. I know. My kids wear them. My son does. We have boys, so you have to, because they don't want to take the time to put fucking shoes on. Yeah. And they'll destroy, if you buy them Jordans, they'll just ruin the back of them in five minutes. Of course. And they don't want to tie the shoe. Right. And we have like snakes and shit here in Texas, so I'm like, you can't run outside barefoot. You're going to stay up on a snake. Yep. Yeah. Put at least your crocs on. Come on now. All crocs. Come on. I'm going to go get some socks. go. Ceiling fans are slow-moving helicopters. For the indoors. Stupid. To your mom's house. Tom Segura is in L.A. Meow, meow, Jitski. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. The number of times I do that. And it looks cooler every time you do it. Yeah, it does. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow. Oh, fuck. What's up, Dave? How are you? I'm good. I just got these bifocals. I like them. Thanks. Now I have to wear glasses, like, all times are times for glasses. Whereas before it was, like, kind of optional. Yeah. Have you aged there yet? Have you done that? Yeah, I got the, what do you call it, LASIK. You did it? I did it. Ooh, tell me everything. I did. I did it about 10 years ago. And it worked pretty good. At the beginning, you have starburst in your eyes. So for, like, a year and a half, every time you saw a brake light, it was like you were on acid. So everything was just tracers and would pop. And I'm like, well, this is permanent. For sure. Like, did you have that panic of this is, I'm forever seeing? Oh, no, it is permanent. I just got used to it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, those starbursts that come with the laser. The guy goes, I did it for the Detroit Lions, the one of the guys who did it. And I'm like, oh, that's good. The shittiest team in the NFL. I'm glad I'm here. So, yeah, I have that. But, I mean, I can still see 2020. Yeah. I think. It's starting to rot a little on my right eye, so I think I have to go back in. No. But for the most part, it's good because I could start seeing at night again. That's exciting. Yeah. Wait, but then the starbursts, the LSD stuff, is that just a cool bonus from your particular surgery? I think it's just a little bonus. It might be a mix of something I had from HPPD and just doing a lot of acid that was stuck there. Oh, do you have that? Not HPPPD. What's that? HPPD is like this weird thing I have where it's, I just did a lot of acid. Same. And it left some issue with my brain where, let's say if I look at this table for way too long, it'll just start moving. Stop. Yeah. It takes a little, but no, it'll do it. Yeah. I didn't know there was a thing. Yeah. Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder. That's it. It's a cognitive condition where a person experiences continuous or recurring visual hallucinations and sensory distortions. Oh, visual snow or halos long after stopping hallucinogenic use. These flashbacks occur sober, so that mixed with LASIK is a real cluster. That's a real game changer. Really? Put some pep in your step. Yeah. I never knew about it. And then finally my therapist sort of figured it out. And then I had it confirmed by a doctor. That's probably what it is. Here at your mom's house, we know a thing or two about making a house a home. And I've learned over the years that if your space doesn't feel like you yet, it's usually more of a budget problem than it is a taste problem, which is a big problem. Which is why we've partnered with Wayfair. I love Wayfair. I bought everything from furniture to knickknacks. 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You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Dude, how much LSD did you do? I ballpark it at a little over 400 hits. Hold on. And I'm like, I've done a lot. Like, that's not how much I was doing. Yeah, I did a lot. See, I did it in high school. What? Okay, so yeah. Okay, so walk me through it. Okay. How are you? How old are you? How much? 14 is when I first took it. Same. Yeah. Lollapalooza. Oh, nice. You were at Lollapalooza at 14? Yep. And Jane's Addiction was coming on. No, Suzie and the Banshees. But anyway, go ahead. That's not about me. That's a way better story. Mine's like in my yard. That's okay. With some friends. But I freaked out and had to leave Lollapalooza because I took two tabs on the first time. Oh, that's a lot. Shouldn't have done that. And it was good? It was a gel tab. Oh, you hit the gel tab? Black ones, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, I freaked out. Was there a name for it? I don't remember. This is 1990 fucking two. Okay. Wait, but back to you. No, you're fine. I hijacked your LSDs. No, this was 96. So, no, I was just, my friend had them. It was in our yard. He had paper. I like the paper tabs. Yeah, and I just took a regular hit of paper. And my friend started twirling around a cane that I don't even know where he got it, to be honest with you. He could have stolen it out of my neighbor's garage. And I just started noticing the tracers. And then we started just kind of going, like, we should do acid a lot. So, it turned into years of us just buying acid, everything we could get our hands on, taking it in school, dropping it before class. What? Yeah, the most I ever took at once was 13. 13 hits? 13, yeah. Of paper tabs. It was paper tabs, yeah. I don't know if gel tabs I would have came back. They also had the mescaline gel tabs that were also with acid. Oh, that's probably what I did. Yeah, that might have been what you did. Because sometimes it was mixed. And that was a fun little party. How did you. Because if you've never done LSD, people listening, I don't think the kids really do it that much anymore. No, it's a shame. They really need to get back in. I know. That's why there's short shorts and Birkenstocks being worn by a whole generation of children. That's why Taylor Swift. That's why the music sucks, everything sucks. Yeah, everything's awful. No one's doing acid. Yeah, like. That's true. If you do take a drug that scares you. Yeah. But also makes you realize everything is ridiculous. In one and. Yeah. No. I don't think that you're not going to listen to Taylor Swift. No! Or wear sandals. No! Because Hendrix and all those guys were doing LSD. That's why the music was fucking amazing. Hendrix was trying to put it in his headband so it would sweat into him. Like that guy. And he just got bad. He's like, I should set my guitar on fire and play it with my teeth. Absolutely. Great idea. Sounds very safe, Jimmy. Yeah, it's an acid idea. Wait, so how did you. Because when I would do acid, I couldn't even go to. Like, the liquor store to buy a Gatorade. Because I was convinced that everybody knew I was frying. Because you look like you're frying. Yeah, you're usually. Yeah, you're bugged out. Yeah, your pupils are most of your eye. You're like a cartoon character. I would usually find people to skip school with. Because I ended up going to high school for five years anyway. So I wasn't paying that much attention. But I would sit there and I'd like watch my teacher's face melt. Yeah. And I'd just like giggle the whole time. But it was kind of exciting. Because I'd go into a few classes just to like. Like trip balls and sit there. And just for the thrill of it. And nobody was like, hey, this kid's on drugs. Oh, no. Everybody in the room was like, hey, this kid's on drugs. You're like, it's Detroit. No one cares. Yeah, everybody. The only time I ever got. Would get caught, I was never using. Oh, you were sober. And they were like, this guy's fucked up. Yeah, like the one time my teacher stopped me. He's like, listen, Dave, you smell like marijuana. And I'm like, today? And they bring me down to the office. And he goes, all right, you need to empty your pockets. So I do. There's like cigarettes. There's Newports and stuff. And he goes, all right, we got to go to your locker. Where's your locker? And I'm like, I don't know where my locker is. And so they have to look it up. And they walk to the locker. And they go, what's your combination? And I'm like, why would I know what the combination. And I'm like, I'm not kidding. I don't even have a backpack. I'm not invested in this. Yeah. So then they open it up. There's just nothing in my locker. It was just constantly. Whenever I got in trouble, I was always lucky in that moment. get arrested a lot so for what mostly alcohol gosh your parents your parents sound like they really kept a good eye on you well they couldn't what was going on at home jesus my dad got uh agent orange he brought brain cancer from vietnam and the va was like we uh we'll give you nothing because that's the fair trade for a soldier so uh they were paying out of pocket uh for my dad's brain surgery so they were living in like boston trying to like get my dad's brain surgery taken care of and he ended up passing when i was 18 but he got sick when i was 13 so i was being watched by my grandma for a while who was like very old and crazy and i would steal her vicodin and another one of my aunts so i was kind of just like going out and doing whatever i wanted dealing with depression but being raised by just fun and going on the streets and taking whatever i really didn't care about anything no it doesn't matter it doesn't sound like it not at all like you had a plan for for anything no nothing you were very nihilistic i was very like do everything horrible right until your you get caught oh yeah so it was sort of yeah just white knuckling life up until something would happen fuck did you like your dad did you get along with him very well yeah yeah he was like our baseball coach and everything shut up oh so you could have had a shot at like a normal existence oh yeah for sure yeah so you got sick and then yeah we were pretty normal right up until he was sick fuck my mom was crazy and bipolar she was i loved her but she was insane mine was too mine was schizo yeah not bipolar but i think a lot of people have that with their comics i should say oh yeah uh what's his name gay gay tim dillon love tim dillon timmy dilly his his mom painting behind you yeah um yeah that's pretty prevalent in our community mental illness is a big one um wow so for about 400 hits of acid and how long of a time span um 1996 to about 2001 oh wow that's a good run it's not bad and that's what i'm guessing so 13 was the max in one day and then i tripped for seven days and that's when i stopped so also people need to know this that when you're on acid you don't sleep no that's why it was i mean seven days of sleep deprivation alone is difficult is rough but when your face is melting off i remember like getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror and thinking i had been in there for five minutes but i think it had been hours and then i thought my pores were opening and closing and like red it was turning red and like like stuff was growing and then going back in like pimples and then i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die and i just was like staring at my face thinking that i was the worst just even hearing you describe that gave me anxiety in the pit of my stomach from being that high and and not wanting to be that high anymore and there's nothing you can do with lsd you just you just have to wait that's the thing with nothing you can do yeah with mushrooms i could drink a fifth or something or yeah do something like i've heard you can take valium which i didn't know then for acid yeah but true no because you're still seeing the walls are still dripping right because i worked at a pharmacy and i got a lot of free valium and i i'm like i'm pretty sure i took valium on acid and it never helped nothing helps no you just kind of have to wait for whatever is in that tiny little tablet that the cia created to get someone's secrets yes yeah it's not meant for a kid who's 14 going to school no and that's when i was doing it like 14 15 right unless they're training you to kill the president but other than that i know like the manson clan dude i know it's horror it's a horrific it's a rough one we should have just done mushrooms looking back because you don't know what chemicals are in that stuff no it was and who knows what who made it dude nobody i that's another thing like where'd you get this hate street like anybody yeah some guy in a park yeah i'm also 14 in detroit i'm like i'm sure this came from a good source and some guy's bathtub who's just adding bleach to the recipe well then there's those trips where you know you just took some gnarly shit and now there's strict nine rumors i've had strict nine you just feel it coursing up and down your spinal cord and you're like this is bad this doesn't feel good did you do ecstasy yeah same thing and i got like a bad thing too so i didn't really get into that in the 90s see i didn't get into it as much either because of that same reason because of constantly getting like bad doses yeah and it was like those double stack batmans and stuff like that oh yeah yeah and one day i took one of those and i was at some guy's house and in hindsight he was in his 40s and we were all teenagers so i think there's always that guy i think he was trying to have sex with us you think so yeah yeah i don't know maybe he just thought we were fun yeah no he's just got so much in common with you yeah he just wanted us to paint decks for him with our shirts off but that's i know like there's always that one creepy guy that's hanging out with 15 year olds right it's usually it's usually john wayne gacy kind of type where he's like oh i'm cool i'll get you cool yeah and there was this guy who drove a hearse in in my community he was 25 we were 15 and he was buying us bottles of thunderbird and night train oh no and getting getting us loaded i'm like really and now you're like oh my god you thought he was so cool oh you think he's awesome you're like i hope i'm like this guy when i'm when i'm 35 25 yeah that's my goal oh my god totally that was so into him like i'm gonna be just like that's how you do adulthood i'm never gonna let the party stop and you're like wait he's on a registry for a once yeah fuck yeah that's how this guy was and i was at his house and i mean i got some weird dose and that's when you used to have to take the pacifier because if there was speed in it you just start chewing your face off oh i should have done that yeah didn't know that yeah yeah it was it's probably good for babies r us stock during the ecstasy trade in the 90s for detroit because everybody always had a pacifier on their train that's why they did that yeah it was because you just start chewing uh on your face from all the speed in the ecstasy and then remember you would hear stories about people drowning their brains because they drank too much water when they were thirsty on ecstasy yes and that was the first time you saw fifteen dollar bottles of water because they knew you needed it to get you you needed it to live dicks fucking dicks dude but yeah people actually did die from that i think a woman died trying to win a playstation for her kid drinking water or something like that around that time what a fun time i know isn't it if i can miss it i know we should do more of those i know well i'm so sad that kids can't even really do drugs because of like fentanyl and they're like dying just taking like fentanyl and they're like dying just taking like fentanyl and they're like fun drugs once what why are you laughing you fucking sick pervert what am i being like too mom why it's true right it's sad it's a sad time we all want to do drugs and have fun no you should be able to do drug it's your birthright as an american absolutely to find clean drugs in your 20s and do them and experiment and then you knock that shit off when you're an adult and you have good memories good times now do you think you learned anything valuable with all your time on acid acid um i don't yeah i do actually i think it's better that i did it than not let's hear it i think it's i learned a lot about friendship like how to take how your friends can take care of you when you're frying yeah that's true though it is kind of fun though to have something with your friends and then knowing that group of people who actually do care about you 100 and all my friends who i used to trip with if they're not dead we're still very good friends yeah so it's like same yeah i think it was i think it was a cool time to be alive to be honest because it was music fun pre-cell phone i mean everything was slightly different and i mean i can't imagine i i still i still have you know like thinking back to even the drug dealers and the people you would buy from and learning how to read people and figure out situations and going places that would because you ever look at like a 14 year old now 15 and you're like how was i doing that and i look like that listen up it's time to stop sleeping on helix i used to wake up several times a night whether it was from back pain or being too hot or tossing and turning for hours it was a nightmare thankfully i took the helix sleep quiz and got matched with a mattress that was tailored to my specific sleep needs it's not some one size fits all garbage i love helix i go to 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Shopify handles the rest. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash YMH. That's Shopify.com slash YMH. Babe, I look at my 10-year-old and I'm like, yo, you know, by your age, I was already a 10-year-old. I'm like, yo, you know, by your age, I was already a 10-year-old. I was already fucking dancing with sailors in bars with my dad on a school night. Of course. Yeah. Dancing with Frankie goes to Hollywood. Relax. It's a gay anthem about butt fucking and not coming too hard. And like, here I am like dancing like nine years old on a school night. Yeah. Or going to like swingers places like Club Med. My dad would take me to those. They're like big swinger places in the 80s and stuff. And yeah, I mean, but thank God you do want them to have. But then again, they see porn apparently at like super young. Yeah. That's a big problem. Cause I like, do you remember how old you were when you first saw porn? I was, I was young. Cause my dad just had it laying around everywhere. So like early, like eight, seven or eight. Okay. I was scarred per yard. I was like you then. Oh really? Yeah. It wasn't from my dad. My neighbor had a laser disc player. Oh my God. I remember. Yeah. And his older brother's like, come in here. And I thought two women were sharing an ice cream cone. And I was staring like, why won't it melt? And then I realized what it was. And then something shot out and I went home like crying. Yeah. And my dad's like, I don't know what that was. I've never heard of such a thing. Just denying it. Just completely didn't dodge the question. That's how you do it. You stuff the feelings down and your kid does 400 hits of acid. Exactly. Yeah. He was very much of that generation of like, I've never heard of that. Just let's not talk about it. I know. And that's when you realize like all it is, is talking about it. That's literally the name of the game is like, just talk about it, talk about it, and then diffuse the bad feelings around it. And then, well, yeah, my son's 11 and we weren't like, I didn't go out dancing or anything then, but we were smoking cigarettes and cigars behind my garage at my house. We were getting into trouble. We were doing pranks. We were doing stuff that I'm, that he's like, we would write letters to the liquor store. Like I'm having a dinner party. So please sell my son two packs of black and miles for this elegant dinner party that I'm having. What's black and mild, black and mild, black and mild, mild. Yeah. Those, those black cigarettes with the gold tips. Uh, there's the cigars with the filter. Yeah. The real high class, you know, the kind of cigars you'd have at a dinner party of fine elegance. They're the most ghetto cigar. That's so rad. So we'd go up to this place called Harper deli and we'd walk up and with the letter and he'd be like, all right, here you go. And just hand us whatever was in the clearly child's handwriting saying that he needed this for a dinner party. Dude, I used to buy cigarettes when I was 13. I would just walk in in a bikini top because I had tits already. Yeah. And like go-go boots and a mini skirt. And he's like, sure, here you go. You look like you're 18. Yeah. And he's not going to argue anyway, because he's a creep. Of course. Just some fucking dirty Persian guy at the time to buy liquor store. Yes. Fucking a good times. Good times. What can I play for you? Hmm. What do you think, Josh? What can we do? You're a special one, I feel like. I'm up for anything. You're a good one. But you seem to have a good relationship with your dad, right? No? Am I wrong? Oh, you're funny. How many female comics have a good relationship with their dads? Probably not many. No, baby. Not many. I know. I'm kidding. No, it's a nightmare. Okay. Here's the thing, though. I thought this was pretty cool. What do you think of this? Well? Does that look like some kind of a monster? It's the witch in Dune. Yeah. Like the original one. The first Dune. Yeah. Awaken the sleeper. Yes. That's what it is. Oh, my God, dude. Ugh. Ugh. Not that one. That's from the movie Witches, the Roald Dahl classic. Yeah. I know you're talking about. Even the old Dune or the first of the new Dunes, the big fat guy who's like inside of the tub. I can't think of what his character's called. Yeah, he's like. I am dying. It's like, no, exactly who this is. Yeah. You are my monster. But then you have to think. Because men. Oh, yeah. There you go. There you go. There you go. That's him. You know he uses a CPAP. I die when I sleep. I'm so fat. The fatness pushes down on their lungs. Yeah. Is that why you die? That's why I use one. Do you have to? You're not fat. Well, I recently just lost weight, but I have only lost like 15, 20 pounds. But yeah, I have a snoring problem, apparently. Everybody does. That's what I think it is. I think it's just a trick to get everyone to wear one of these things. So hot. Yeah, it's really sexy. Does your wife love it? Oh, it's so sexy. When you just put that on, look at it. It's like your whole face is paralyzed. I'd rather die in my sleep than wear this. I do not wear it anywhere else but in my home in bed. That's horrible. Yeah, it's the worst feeling in the world. It's you have to make yourself look like that. Oh, my God. Right before you go to bed. Your wife loves you. I don't think she does because she made me get it. She would prefer I look like that than snore. It's like you could get earplugs and that would be way more convenient for me. It doesn't work because Tom is a ripper too and he rips. I can hear it. Does he CPAP? Fuck no. But he lost a bunch of weight, so that does help. Yeah. Since I've lost weight, I guess I don't snore as much. Hold on. I want to share this with you. Okay. I feel like you would understand. Okay. I feel like because you and I are like David Lynch people. Right. You're going to, I think this might be your sweet spot. Okay. Okay, here we go. I'm already in bed, y'all. I'm really tired and everything and all that. So I'm just going to call it a night and get some shut out and sleep and get some rest. I just want to say good night to everybody. Right. It cuts off. I just want to be like, all right, I'm going to go to bed right now and if you don't, I'll probably not be awake in my own. Well, she does all these videos like updating you on the banal existence that she lives, but the irony is I'm fascinated and I'm into it. Yeah. I mean, it is. It is interesting to see someone slowly live. You want to call it that? Slowly cease the day. Did you say cease the day? I did. I seized the day. I meant to say cease the day. She's ceasing her day. Yeah. That is a great Freudian slip. Yeah. Because she is ceasing her day. She's ceasing the shit out of life, dude. Well, let's see what else she's into. Oh boy. She's great. I like that it looks like a crib. The house reset. I guess getting ready for the weekend. She's getting ready for the weekend. There ain't much going to go on this weekend at all. I don't want to go outside. I mean, this could be a David Lynch character. It looks like the rain might be going away. That's a David Lynch set. Literally, yeah. There's some hard pictures out there and everything. I'm surprised she's cleaning with her drugs. What a waste. And I will talk to y'all later. Y'all have a great day now. Yeah. How much toilet paper are you expecting to use this weekend? What are you. You having people over? I agree. It's such a waste of a high. Can I tell you, I hate cleaning. I've always hated cleaning. But some people love it. They'll come home from work and be like, I just cleaned the kitchen. It felt so great. I feel organized. And you're like, what are you talking about? I would be a hoarder if I had my choice. Same. I'm a dirtbag. I'm the same way, honestly. I throw stuff everywhere. I'm not organized. I wish I could. be but i just i'll try to be for a week and then it just goes sideways i my problem is and maybe it's because i was raised like with a single dad like i don't even see filth i think because i am so and you were gone abused yes you're also going to sex clubs at nine dancing i was so neglected and abused that like i don't even it doesn't even register like you should be a lady fuck i get it though i'm a comic i think there's i think there's a good thing to that though there is a pig well yeah but i can i am a housekeeper so like my house isn't filthy because i have children it has to stay orderly oh yeah our house is clean because other people that live there want it that way but if it was up to me i would just keep a lot of things i would it's it's good that i don't like my cars are clean but that's it and that's because i learned how to detail cars when i was 15 that's a fucking great skill to have and that was that's what i and since i learned that i've always taken care of my cars okay okay crayon this rapper came on our show a million years ago and she's like i want i wanted to learn how to power wash because i'm like dude fucking detailing cars and power washing buildings those are like the two most satisfying things to have done in your life yep but you provide that service hey fucking robots can't do that right no they can't detail your car no not the way that you can not the way you know how to get into everything that they can absolutely yeah it's the best i started doing it when i was 15 and it was the guy who gave me 15 bucks an hour in 1997 to detail cars um it was weird yeah he he sat on my back the whole time how short were your shorts yeah it was just his car every time just at his house i'm really gonna show you how to clean this every saturday at one it's so dark it's wrong it's just sadly true oh fuck okay so speaking of my neglectful upbringing um uh i have these things that i realize i can do as an adult that like i just didn't think about like for instance tom and i for the longest time we would have like one phone charger in the house until we were like oh you can buy like two you can have like two you can have like 10 phone chargers if you can afford it right yeah you just do whatever is easiest if you got that kind of money yeah you got a hundred dollars you got 20 bucks um so they're called pajitsky effects when you realize you've been living like a retarded hobo and you can actually like improve your life okay hello mommies i just wanted to write in with my pajitsky effect i've been taking two showers most days for years i bartend and i'm on my feet all day covered in craft beer and ranch and this can be a nightmare at night with having wet hair and waiting for it to dry or go to sleep with wet hair and ruining my pillows girl i feel you last week i realized i can shower and put my hair up and not get it wet this has changed my nights and i feel completely free thank you guys for watching and i'll see you next time bye bye love the pot elizabeth well elizabeth i recently too just had that epiphany because i'd be like we'll have to wash my hair and then i have to dry them and like you don't have to wash your hair that's what dry shampoo is for that's a good idea i put mine in a bonnet i like a nice wave cap and then i just go off to bed it seems to where i learned it from recent travel in airports it's very popular the bonnet the bonnet there's no excuse for the bonnet there's no excuse for the bonnet or the pajama pajamas and a bonnet is something cookie monster pajamas means there will be a fight on your flight it's going to be a nightmare and i fly out of detroit a lot a lot of those you know what's happening oh yeah i miss spirit it was always fun i don't know what you're intimating sir no nothing what i'm not saying i'm saying certain people certain people of certain distinctions flu spirit it and i enjoyed it all right they don't have tvs in the seats here was this guy on your you know the yfca song yeah what about it it's for the gay people oh shit i ain't looking up on youtube yeah damn bro yeah i look it up when i saw it i was like i'm not a part of this i never ever listened to that song my first time i liked that song when i was young yeah but right now no because i'm straight so i like woman like like her right there like her right there she's like thank you oh good that's cool the guy of the movie radio's about likes me radio fuck dude oh the cuba getting junior classic there he is but then there are those songs like i mean because you and i are from a certain time where you didn't know the words to things and like now i there's just a whole all my songs i just sing whatever nonsense i think it is and like we all thought george michael was straight don't forget that oh yeah we didn't realize that he would hide in bushes to blow men we just we thought he was an artist yeah well he was he was a mouth artist and a musician but remember they used to have like liberace on late night talk shows and he'd be like i just can't seem to find the right gal it's my favorite clips i just haven't found mrs bright yet johnny pull up liberace pretending to be straight it's probably just put like liberace saying you can't find a woman on like late night because you couldn't just come out and be like i'm a big queer gay i don't like no people just looked at him and they were like that's a man and you're like the guy the guy who can barely ring the bell at wwe because there's so much or wwf because there's so much fucking aids drifting through his body he's do you ever see where he's like giving the tour of his house he's like just let me show you around i better go get some cough for some reason this won't go away yeah i got a real flu this time i don't know what it is yes yeah and i said fine uh give me a call i'll let you in you go in the living room and help yourself so i ordered some coffee for them people thought this guy was straight and they went to work my mom had a crush on liberace on the living room and it was morning so i just got up so the first thing i do when i get up in the morning of course go to the bathroom no shit i think that everybody does that no i'm fine when he's talking about you can't can't find a girlfriend can you imagine your mom like somebody's dating this guy just brings this gay bedazzled vampire into the house i'm dating your mom just that'd be so great did you see the movie that he did with matt damon i saw it in the worst way ever it was behind the candelabra the steven soderbergh movie yeah i was on a delta flight so it's he's doing amyl nitrate poppers getting railed by matt damon and he's like oh my and there's like a kid in the seat right here of course and i'm looking at it i'm like i do i turn it off because this seems homophobic if i do but it's also this is really uncomfortable yeah there's so much gay sex so much gay sex so much and they just they don't take that out for the flight apparently i know yeah you're just it's just michael douglas doing poppers getting drilled so good it's so i have to watch it again and then there's that great scene where he he gets his facelift too tight and he can't close his eyes and he's so good and this poor pool boy or like a you know guy who drives him essentially he just tries to surgically make them all look like him so he can fuck himself yeah it's a younger version of liberace yes yes yeah so liberace would have his lovers into made into a younger version of him of himself yeah that is so fucking gross it's wait that's so crazy it's so narcissistic and like another level of madness that i you can't even comprehend it fuck okay but let me try to do it rob lowe's great in that movie too when he's just his whole face is just destroyed from like the first they discovered botox so it's just like poisoned and everything's just puffy and he's on the diet pills pills and he just can't move his face at all fuck it's so good it's really it is a good movie i'm watching that tonight i'm gonna show my kids that movie behind the can you find it of him being like talking about being he can't find the right woman this might be it he's talking about his love of soap operas oh my god another world and uh barbara but you know what they do i think la times i guess papers all over the country do it at the end of the week they actually print a synopsis of what's happened that week in case people haven't seen it well that's marvelous i i have got to meet some of these people and one of my best friends is lyndon oh yeah he's a horrible person another world oh yeah name dropping on and i was in new york and i happened to be doing a little shopping and i ran into her and she gave me this big hello like we've been friends all our lives because she had heard that i watched the show and he would do that he would say like i just happened to be in paraguay and i saw this bentley and i thought all of you should see it yeah and he would just have them drive the bentley out on stage and he would make them clap for his at the time eighty thousand dollar car no one in the audience could come close to affording that's right yeah he would just have all these things that were so ornate that no one else on earth could get them it's it's crazy now as an adult you're like oh he was a horrible person yeah not a good guy no just like a horrible garish self-centered oh yeah he's like i'm gonna make my lovers look like younger versions of me is the craziest thing i've probably ever heard it's it's up there it's it's but we're not gay like maybe maybe if you're gay yeah maybe that's the end goal is you've been looking in the mirror every day like i gotta i gotta find exactly this fuck that's dark paul lind was another one i love who's paul lind he was on bewitched center square center square yeah oh he was fat he was fantastic yes he was very fantastic i love this he's the best yeah yeah he was actually really funny one of my favorite stories about him is there was a a flight he was on in first class and this kid kept running in and out of first class and people are on their way to hollywood and all of a sudden the curtain holds up and it's paul lind holding up its hodler and he goes if this kid runs up here one more time i'm gonna fuck it amazing and it's just amazing it just made me like paul lind more somehow center square god remember that fucking hollywood squares that was i watched that every night with my mom that and chuck woolery oh love connection it was like such a solid banging lineup of tv it really was yeah it's like mindless stupid entertainment just hours of that shit just rotting your fucking brain yeah they used to play the reruns on the game show network and i loved it that and like match game with betty white hollywood squares or love connection uh hollywood squares yeah yeah well it was so stupid like do you is paul lind lying to you yes or no it's just yes and he'd always make some clearly like i'm very gay innuendo joke was an answer to every one of the questions oh i miss that have you watched love boat lately i haven't dude it's so horny you have to watch it now and be like dude i got away with this shit on like tv back in the day in the 80s it's super horny i've watched it back in the day i haven't watched it recently though give it a rewatch like once they brought brought on ted mcginley that's when you start knowing it's gonna end and i love him though yeah i just re-watched revenge of the nerds oh yeah sadly that guy one guy just died which one um don't you played ogre no yeah ogre just died yeah bummer not ted though no he's still around thank god he always played the best villain yeah he's always a douchebag i liked him on married with children same great great he was always so good yeah i didn't know he was so good i didn't know he was so good i didn't know watch this on youtube because they discontinued showing it because it's so politically incorrect it upsets so many people i guess yeah because it's they say it's pro i mean sure it is a little bit but yeah yeah yeah it's it's the crowd agreed at the time yeah and you knew you were like yeah right this fucking happened yeah like he would have taken off the vader costume to fuck her yeah it would have felt like a different cock well and he's going down on her yeah right so like doesn't he lift up the mask yeah down ever ever or like notice that her boyfriend's cock is an entirely different right and then by part three they're married so is it all these are excellent points you see what i'm saying no i know we need to sign a petition bring back revenge the nerds they really should because it does upset a lot of people for that reason they can cut it out can't they just cut that shit out well and can't we just watch something and go yeah we don't have to agree that it's right but you made it you done it's just it we liked it at the time i know and we can still like it now and agree it wasn't good can i tell you my secret crush was on booger did you like booger fucking loved booger i great voice funniest one i loved him on american dad too oh yeah i didn't realize that yeah i got to see booger once at gelsons in la i was like beside myself oh yeah there he is he always pops into random movies as like a scientist or like a teacher he's the best yeah he's awesome i thought i was looking at my mother's little douchebag but that's back in ohio fucking amazing yeah what the fuck is a frush he was probably my favorite part of that movie the burping contest come on yeah that was awesome all right especially when you watch it as a kid that's your favorite part it still is yeah that is your favorite part as a kid plus he gives like that smile it's actually their booger best moments oh yeah he gives that smile after he's like thank you yes thank you thank you i won he looks like stanhope yes he does he totally does booger they're the same person um so i are you on tiktok i'm sure you love tiktok right you're on i'm on it yeah i don't put much up but yeah you gotta get on the right side of tiktok i feel like your algorithm is probably not tight like mine and mine's probably not here you go i like to showcase the marginalized communities on tiktok so here we go people that are underrepresented clank putting down the pipe song god uh-huh is this who johnny depp was playing in blow definitely oh my god definitely it's so good oh man yeah he's got a good danny trejo look if he was never muscular fatty trail yeah flabby trail he's just the trejo's tacos oh my god 10 pounds of tacos and a five pound bag look at his they're so tight i love the confidence though no i always admire the confidence of these guys yeah and like the audio is not so good i don't know if you can hear me but i can hear you i can hear you it's not great because like is he dancing to the sound of the saws or is he dancing to the music in his heart um i think it's a bit of both it's a bit of both and then you're like this is the jam this reminds me of when i was young and watching heads be removed by the cartel in my home hometown of medellin oh god yeah he's fucking rad yeah this dude's pretty awesome definitely yeah okay here we go he doesn't need a shirt i hope he doesn't own any oh no yeah are you kidding me yeah no fucking way dude why would you bother never to waste closet space for your pants for your tight pants and your cowboy boots yeah and your chains do the chains hold on let's get a look at the chain we gotta get the whole outfit again such the audio is so stop it really i can't make it stop i want to die stop oh no look at his mating dance though you just want okay beige first of all very hard to wear light colored pants even if you're in the best possible shape very hard well but he's in luck there so win-win tight pants the skin boots and bro the bravery of a belt under a belly like that yeah and no shirt because you're asking for that to pop over yo and he's going a little too tight with it too of course he's asking for extra belly he's asking he's inviting it along hello oh my god and the medallion what is the medallion that's what i can't figure out i don't want to push play again i'm afraid can you i i don't want to hear that sound i feel like he shaves different places on different days because the growth is not there's not a pattern really you're right like his arms are kind of bare he should have some on the top of the shoulders yeah and there's nothing there but his chest says i wear a lot of open shirts he's got great nipples i will say yeah they're not silver dollar or pancake no those are top shape nips no those are those are feeders they are they are pleasant on the eyes why are we so taken with him i well look at him i know i think it's because he's breathtaking yeah i'm taken i'm taken i'd like to bring him somewhere and introduce him as my friend uh hey everybody this is javier of course he's my mentor duh um so last week i asked you guys to help jenny nickel he he on instagram find a boyfriend um just so you know who we're referring to it's okay this broad i'm looking for a real man that can handle all the so if you're out there please look me up my website because i can really need one what's her website dude how do we not know she had a fucking website is she saying she needs a website or a dick oh i think she needs a dick she has a website oh okay right am i understanding that or maybe she needs a dick okay she's been needing a dick and so she's on instagram and the issue is that the men can't handle all of her exactly thank you see like you're finally this is what i'm saying and it's like well how much is there she seems pretty docile yeah can we let's go look at some more of jenny's videos i'd like to see yeah if you can handle all this i was single and i my friend called me the other day and asked me if i was single and i said no and i thought the call was dropped it turned out it wasn't she was just praying for me my friend called me i feel like i can handle her like i don't think she's that crazy right now like do you feel like you could handle jenny i feel because of the the mobile ability uh she would be handleable right now it would be pretty easy i feel like unless you're somebody who's enabling her to eventually have a wall cut out in the house it's a mover so you see fatness as being oh no i mean it just depends on what you want to handle yeah some people want to handle that all day so i don't see that that could be all you want to handle so i mean clearly the personality's there that's there she's yeah she's charismatic as fuck oh that's landed yeah yeah i i i could listen to her all day same yeah she's a storyteller she's a storyteller she's gifted she's got the gift of gab hold on let's do the one with the sunlight behind her i feel like that's going to be a horny it's nice to see her outside thing that has spent overnight i need to change that damn it i was hoping for that to be a little spicier and i'm a cat and it wouldn't have been the night over he's my house husband cat yeah that's uh it is sad when some a lot of these women do just have a male cat i do i've got two i love them i know i'm just saying it's bad i'm not saying cats are bad i'm saying when it's your husband i know when you dress it up and give it a man name i love that shit i follow like romanian ladies that do that on tiktok i love and then they leave all their money to their cat i'm gonna do that you're gonna leave it all yeah that would be fun you should do that yeah that really is a fun thing to see when everybody who's just like a billionaire die and then everything's left to mittens it's so infuriating can you imagine being that much it's almost like making your partner have surgery to look like you it's almost that bad i don't know but who did he leave it to it's not like he had kids probably his boyfriend husband whoever he i wonder who he left his money i don't know some of them didn't have any money a lot of people from that generation yeah and they pretended they had a lot more than they did yeah like even sammy davis jr that guy like the ir i won't say it was the irs even took his eye out uh at uh the end of his life like his glass eye and all the rings off his fingers and they were like now you can bury him all right here we go oh here's another general i'm not just some disabled person you're abusing lisa i'm the leader of the world and there's a nuclear attack being threatened by a major power yes i know it's a big fucking deal why do you want to make this about yourself again lisa we're already over it it's gonna be nice to be killed by a guy who's dressed like robin williams and toys what an absolute nightmare i know and lisa lisa's getting it lisa is oh yeah oh my god it's perfect it's horrifying isn't it oh my god it's like if they cast tom waits to be him yeah oh wow that was spot on dude oh thank you wow yeah that's uh that's gonna be a terrifying way to go if this guy shows up at your house fuck well she's showing up at lisa's if she's not careful oh i think he's gonna show up at lisa's he's already there she's dead already by the time this fucking shit airs yeah he's definitely using this as an alibi video lisa's not here lisa i don't know where she was all right we should probably go and do a check on the house the mail's pretty high over there where's all the good girls at i need a good girl somebody share this so i can find me a good girl uh i need a good girl as soon as possible i need somebody to take care of my hair i need somebody to wash my back and help me out i'm a loyal man honest hardworking truthful stop unwrapping your camera you're close to the microphone a real good girl is he on a pirate ship that's the thing i think he's a pirate i can never tell if you're a biker a pirate or just a gypsy who sells turquoise products at a state fair i feel like i got a better chance to find a goddamn unicorn we got it here it is shut the old man needs some help okay okay i can't i can't look no no stop talking so he does have a parrot of course he does to answer our question gypsy pirate or what was the other one uh just one of those uh yeah gypsy that sells turquoise products at the state fair or biker or biker i'm gonna rule out biker because he's got the parrot i'm thinking there's no chance yeah if he's definitely i'm going with pirate or gypsy either way i bet that beard smells terrific yeah you really want that on you i can smell it i'm gonna go with marl no not marl bros what's his brand probably american spirit he can't afford american spirit are they pricier now well they're like organic aren't they oh merits no he smokes generics what is the yeah what's like a downgrade what's a shit cigarette you guys i can't remember anymore i haven't smoked in oh i just started again 13 years oh yeah you've done 400 hits of acid yeah it's hard to it's hard to not smoke on acid though well it's the only thing you can do it's so far past yeah that's for sure i don't know you want to do acid just one more time maybe that's the it just kills us both truly the 10 worst cigarettes in existence 10th place maverick green oh i remember mavericks they would put them next to the newports and they you'd be like oh these are only these are a dollar less i'll try them american spirit brown sure lucky strike lucky strike no filters fucking hated lucky strikes i did too the only time they saved me that was i smoked on a joint in my yard my mom came out and i was like what it's a lucky strike and i had a pack of lucky strikes on me nice very it's they saved me paul mall sucks that's definitely what he said that's a lunch lady cigarette sucks marlboro midnight that's disgusting never even heard of that usa silver never heard that pyramid all of them i don't even know what pyramids are old gold gold what in the fuck i've never even heard of it american spirit orange sounds disgusting in every way imaginable i know okay number one marlboro edge it's so wild they came out with all these dumb subcategories of these brands like really it's marlboro but you know yeah edging yeah we smoke until you almost come it's pretty good enjoy it but enjoy our marlboro edging it's like when they were creating all the different that's why the pack is blue it's how it leaves your balls you put the cigarette out in your cock yeah in your cock hole that's the only way it goes out or there's a forest fire you have no choice it's a special chemical design you have to put the cigarette out in the head of your cock yeah it must be put out in your urethra or there will be a palisades fire it's up to you i'm so amazing marlboro edge marlboro edge yeah brought to you by the guitarist from u2 is it just such a gay name for a cigarette yeah marlboro edge like come on i always love the you had them in um in canada the pictures where it's just the pregnant woman with a cigarette or just be like the dead fetus yeah just like and you they're like yeah can i just get a pack of that who cares yeah i could just take the dead the dead child on the pack of cigarettes please i don't know what brand that is but i just need some cigarettes because when you're like when you're a smoker like when you're really a smoker you don't they could tell you whatever it is and you don't give a fuck no it's like pictures of rotten lungs i think in like in uk i think oh yeah that was there too yeah you know like all right well it's the same as alcohol like you could put the bloodiest car accident on a fifth and still drink it it's not gonna slow you down i know they really need to i think your idea of putting cigarettes out in your cock is the only deterrent that will actually work that's true if we if we were able to make that happen you gotta put this in your cock you gotta put this cigarette out in your twat and you can even say like look guys mashing it into your vagina Totally smoking doors again, just nobody's doing it. There's just two screaming people at a table. Putting a cigarette out in my snatch is the fucking most volatile thing I've done. Yeah, you're smoking it all classy like a film noir, and then the next minute you're just, oh, gosh. Matching it in my pussy. I'm really trying to build a callus so this doesn't hurt as much. But it just, it hurts, it still hurts. A lot of nerves. It's gonna hurt every time. I've got no pubic hair left. What are you smoking? Marlboro Edge. You know, the blue pack that you have to put out in your snatch. Delightful. Delightful. Marlboro Edge. Edge. Living on the edge. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's keep going. You know he smells like Marlboro Edge. He smells, he's edging, yep. Oh, he's edging. He's so gross. That's what that wrapper is. I can hear it. The ten minutes of wrapping his. It's just his cock. It's just his piercing. Stop, I'm gonna puke. It's Prince Elbert. Ugh. I can't. You gotta work hard. And you gotta pamper yourself, even as a man. So a few eyebrows, a bit of hair dye. A little bit of Botox. You're away. Ready for the bank of the weekend. What do you think? This is good, right? I can't tell that he has anything. Looks natural. Very natural, wholesome look. Yeah, it doesn't look at all like Chaplin. The grease paint? Is that what they used back in the 1920s? Yeah, bro. That's what he calls treating himself. No. Is walking around with that. Yeah. Face like, what do you think? Little bit of Botox? You think it's good? Little bit of Botox, people can't tell. Go away. He's so drunk, his face is so red, too. Oh, yeah. Big booze bag, big booze belly, booze face. It just looks like he's ironed. Yeah, yeah. Like he just burned his face. Yeah, yeah. Burned his face. And then just, like the top half was in a fire. Oh, fuck. And then he just drew on what he thought. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He went into a Latina community and was like, is this what eyebrows are? And matched them. Well, you know when you get your eyebrows dyed, you're supposed to wash the dye off. He does not know that. Yeah. You don't just leave it on and go to the mall. You wash it off and then it leaves. You don't run into a tattoo parlor and make sure it stays on forever. You gotta pamper yourself. Yeah, you gotta pamper yourself. Mate. Can you make me look angry? I know. God. I get discount Botox. Groupon. Dude, people really do that shit. They do. That's what I can't figure out why you would save money on your face. You're like, you know where I'm going to cut corners? The way I look the rest of my life. That's where I'm going to take my chances. Bro, you're telling me. No way, Jose. No, thanks. No. All right, let's do this guy. So once I started doing this, I was like, I'm going to do this. I started doing enemas with chlorine dioxide. My addiction went all the way away. My ex-wife, months after I started doing the enemas, said to me, you haven't watched porn in months. And I was like, oh, shit, I haven't. Wow. Wow. Wow. The taste just went all the way away because the physical trauma was out of the body. You get the chain of logic here? Yeah, I'm following every word of it. You put chlorine in your ass. Right. And then it. It cleanses you. It squirts out the trauma that made you watch a ton of porn. Which makes sense. Which is why this guy who wrote the song Johnny Be Good put shit cameras in all of his chicken restaurants. Doesn't he look like, I can't think of his name. What's his name? Chuck Berry? Chuck Berry. Yeah. Chuck Berry also, didn't he piss on like 14 year olds? Oh, you bet. Yeah. You bet. Oh, you betcha. Yeah, you betcha he did. Yeah. Yeah. Steve's son of a Gunderson. Yeah. What cool guys. Yeah. He would put, yeah, he put feces, toilet cameras in all of his restaurants. Cool. Yeah. Chuck Berry. Wow. Yeah. Strange guy. Not just a musician. No. But an artiste. Talent. Yes. So the cameras would be in the toilet. So you would see assholes birthing poo or. I think it was that or they may have been above. Please lift this up. It was really before. People knew a lot about the shit fetish, but Chuck Berry was a bit ahead of his time. Bro, that's one I can't. I mean. No, I don't understand that. I can't even wrap my brain around that one. Yeah. I really can't. I mean, I can't say I would jam chlorine up my ass to cure porn addiction. I've tried many things. All right. Here we go. In the 80s. Whatever. Rock and roll. Chuck Berry was embroiled in a major scandal when he was sued for secretly installing hidden cameras in the women's restaurant. In private rooms and private areas. Jesus Christ. Of a Southern Air restaurant in Berry Park. Yeah. Estate in Missouri. That's horrific. Yeah. And you know, he made the food greasy. Oh, yeah. Where he's like, I need this stuff to really make people need to go here. You want this shit to happen immediately. I need it. Why are there 19 stalls in the women's room? Don't worry about it. It's fine. Just put them in. Oh, my God. I don't. I never understood that kink. Like, you want to watch girls. You want to watch girls shitting? No, I'm not from Germany. But that seems like the most disgusting thing imaginable. No, I get like, you want to see girls naked, maybe like you put them in the showers of like a gym, which would be clean, but the toilet, but shitting seems like the thing you wouldn't want to see at all. Anybody. I don't even understand eating ass, let alone shitting. Thank you. But I feel like now it's we're considered, you know, the weirdos. Because we're like, I don't want to lick an asshole. I don't want anything in my asshole. I don't want anything in my butt. I don't think we should share restaurant dishes with people that eat ass. I think we should have separate drinking fountains again for the people who do and don't eat ass. A hundred percent. Bring it back. Yeah. You wonder how COVID gets around in this stuff? We're seeing more disease than ever. Yep. And it's because people are jamming their tongues into strangers' asses. Absolutely. We should have separate restaurant entrances even. We should. Eating areas. Yeah. When people walk in, they should be like, do you want ass or not? Thank you. And then we know that this is someone who eats ass. It's disgusting. And they will get the silverware that's touched the floor. That's right. I just think it's not that I don't love a woman's ass, but I don't see the point of feasting on it like a psychopath. Okay, hold on. I've got something. Go ahead, bubba. Put me on. It's a very David Lynch one for you. Tornado Claw. Oh, fuck. Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese. Tornado Claw. Tornado Claw. Now is not the time to hide. Now is the time to fight. I'm your worst nightmare, bubba. Is that Hugh Jackman? No, absolutely. He's yelling Swiss cheese. He's just asking his mom for some. Again, like, I wonder, these are just what these, these are like Comic-Con dorks, right? These are like nerds, but. I wouldn't call him that, but you do you. But does, does this attract the female nerds or does, like, who is he impressing with this? Is it other nerd dudes or is it the female nerds? I think whoever's going to join him in shooting up the school. For sure. That's, it's more of that sort of a man. Mating call. Yeah. He's going to join his cult. Yeah, I can't imagine it's somebody. I, I don't, it's, well, maybe the woman from earlier who's looking for a man to spend the night. Oh, Jenny? And she would be protected if he brings his claws and mask. You know what? I didn't even think about that. Yeah. And now I feel bad because you're right. He would totally protect me. He wouldn't. He'd probably be super grateful. Yep. That, like, a lady's even talking to him. Yeah, he would. He'd be happy to be there. Yeah. And she likes claws. She's got a cat. That's true. So he's got claws to protect her. That's true. Dude, we're just, like, making all kinds of connections. See, we're pretty good at this. Okay, hold on. And you saw his moves. I mean, they were, they were good. No. No, he's sweet. Hold on. Let's close on this one. It's pretty sweet. I'm kind of washing. We made a rainbow. Oh, yeah. It's so good. It's so good. How? Stay clean. Stay clean. Stay clean. What is that? Laura Palmer? You will see me. Fuck. Washing dick first so it just drips down to your face. And asshole. Don't forget. Because you want that to be the part that gets the most soap. Yep. And the remainder and the residue just hits your chin and eyes. Yep. Your eye is important. So you get that pink eye runoff from your asshole. That's what you need. And also, like, how strong is his right arm to hold him up like that? That's pretty amazing. I think he's definitely right-handed and spends a lot of time alone. I think he's got a lot of balance on that side, doesn't he? That's amazing. I'm going to wash in your rainbow. I wonder if these people do have friends that see this video. I hope so. And just go, Jerry, what's up, man? Like, is this real? Something you do? Of course. He's like, yeah, what? You don't take headstand showers? Well, and also, Jerry is a human who probably has a job. He's, like, a bus driver or he, like, does something at your kid's school. Yeah, he's a janitor. Yeah, he's definitely something way too close to children, all of them. Yeah. He wears drag and reads. He's at the library. Oh, you fucking dick. Of course. He's totally, totally. He's a librarian. Oh, fuck off. I guarantee you he's absolutely. With kids. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Guys, Dave's book, Party of One. Listen to his podcast, Stu and Dave Do America. That sounds fun. Yeah, we just kind of do this. Yeah. Yeah, these things. What better is there? There's nothing better. And then, where are you performing? Where do you want people to see you? Coming up. You can go to DaveLandau.com. I got a whole bunch of dates through the end of the year. Amazing. Buy my lipstick. Today, I'm wearing Cuts You Up. This is the liquid lipstick. It lasts for fucking hours. And then, go to ChristinaP.com. Oh, September 18th and 19th, I'm in Chicago. Chicago, Illinois at the Den Theater. October 9th and 10th, Short Lake Titties, Puta at Wise Guys. And then, I'm doing Skank Fest this year for the first time. November 14th. November 13th and 14th. I'll be there, too. Shut up! Yeah, I'll be there, too. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, it's going to be really fun. Dude, I've never done it. Have you done it? I have. It's great. I have a special coming out with them, too, with Gas Digital, a half hour is coming out soon. Cool. Yeah. Well, I'm stoked. I think you're going to really enjoy it. It's a lot of fun. Well, if I enjoy these videos as much as I enjoy, hopefully, I'll enjoy Skank Fest. A lot of these people look like people that attend Skank Fest. So. Fucking great. And I mean that out of love. Clearly. All right. Thank you for being here, Dave. You're the best. Thank you. Come back again, okay? I'd love to. Okay. Bye, meows. Bye, my meow. For Sachi Kalachi speaking, who the fuck is this? It's me, purple hair girl from the chair. I was the one f***ing myself on cam that time, remember? Oh, hell yeah, man. What up, sis? I remember you. You were flicking your bean on the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you. I don't have time to talk. Listen, where are you at? Um, I'm just home here now. Hold up, though. Where are you? Where are you calling from? I'm stuck way down in the mountains. I need you to come get me. Yeah, I can do that. I'm looking at, say, 8 o'clock, 8.15. Fuck, you're doing good. Thank you so much. You're literally saving my life. Bam. Say no more. I am on the way, bitch. Awesome. Piss on me. Beat me. You're the coolest for this. No, you are. You are the coolest. Cool girls for life. We about a year. So, woo. This is Captain Marcel. Going down into the mountains. And we're rolling. Anderson Cooper took my sister. Now we gotta expose him. If you're a Hufflepuff. Do not piss me off. Just keep on scrolling. I ain't impressed by crown molding. Show me that dick that you holding. Toot toot toot. I'm a fucking walking mermaid, bitch. I dip my nuggets in the doo-doo. Guess what? I'm loving it. I drink mousse soup. 100ly. Specifically. Delicious. Story time. Uh, how you say? I'm not a racist. Start up. I rank a member of the cuckoo girls club. I shout out Mistress Kawhi when I'm stepping parts out of. Tattoo my brown ice cream, some big words, and I married my son. Spit in them tongues and shit, cause I'm a fucking blasting blood. Cuts in the hoonah, not in the book of doo-blood. That's what we do. You do, you do. Do nothing, do you. And yes, my eyes are tattooed. Funny story. Next, Perry is in jail. Tick-tock, what he do. Do you ever worry that you're R-worded and no one's telling you? I'm a reckless eyeballing hoe. Just how it's made up. Selling a necklace made of moosterds out the back of my trunk. All right, assholes, listen up. You'll never make Potter come. If you ain't licking the scrum, honey, you ain't tricking no one. Come on, check. Abracadabra, ba-ba-ba-boom, shock a day. Wanna see a Spartan kick or taste a bit of the poutine I made? You wanna fuck with my may, huh? Twin goddesses activate. Identify as a threat, a nightmare. And my pronoun is your grace. I would recommend a freezing semen. Even though my health ain't improving, but I bet you low and loose holes ain't hardcore enough to do it. Nature's free, multivitamin, why the fuck would I not use it? Keep busting clips in my sips, I'm literally bonding fluid. I know you love me. I know you want me. He wants to lick it up on his ass. Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass. Who the fuck you been letting sample your energetic template? A spirit working? Or a C-channel or hybrid astral kid? Hurry up before I take your bike. You better not touch me, bitch. You motherfuckers, you need to restock the hot cocoa when you're done with it. Some caffeine, take a hammock, shit, pop the vasectomy stick. Now I'm straight polyvi with vocal fry incised G-tip. I keep smelling my vagina in hopes that it'll smell better, it just doesn't. Show the haters how you glass and put your perfect smile in. I'm ride or die, show me the body, mommy, we'll chop it up together. Dip that shit in acid, watch it decay in a row with weather. Why did it end up there? We better, we're clever, bye bye barista bitch. Cool girls keep secrets forever. FYI, he's Cherokee, I'm not native at all. So I look funny, crush it. You got any cum in those balls? How come you don't fuck your friends? Well, listen to Gloria Estefan, Bianca Manzardini, I'm the Polanyi of WAP. I know you love me, I know you want me. Please follow my pee. Dirty bitch, check your passenger. I feel like I'm going to die. What gets rid of heartburn? Fuck what you heard. I'm about to have that orgasmic birth. Ray, root your man or throat. Zilla, Michael, get in there first. Fuck my stoma. Don't worry, no chomoza. Chomas though, I'm blowing Cincinnati parts at every goddamn place that I go. I'm not a hoe, ball player. You better follow that pro. I'm going to make you want to shag, no fucks my pussy. Two big day songs by Toto. We about to get smoking and drinking and rocking Adidas and peeping on that ultra humongous penis. Quarantining, we're latchkey and we beef, queefing and queen bee-ing. And I'm seeing them jeans seeming like they be low and loose leaning. They'll see Zandy, see screaming cause I hydrate like a piss-dee. All you up there doing that thing and stuff like that. Did I stutter? If you're a bully, thief, a criminal, a cop or a cutter. We curing headaches with mustard. Purple hair girl got you covered. This is the cult girl's club within the house of your mother. I was over at Mama's last night just to visit her. And Cheryl jumped over the kitchen counter at me flying like a Hussain boat in a fighting suit. I don't know why the bitches always be jealous of me. So she run to the phone like the bitch made cunt always does. And I said, you better call every law in Sequoia County this time, bitch. Cause you're going to need help prising my fingers from around your fucking dick sucking throat. So I ended up arrested in jail. But I'm out this morning, Cheryl, and I can still say that's right, you didn't swim in on a shut bitch and I'm coming over here today and I'm going to do the two step. Boy, boogie till there's a mud hole in your fucking ass.