Trip To Prison w/ Derek Drescher & Geo Perez | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Hey everybody, welcome back to UB Trip and we got a great one for you today. It's a theme episode, Derek Drescher and Geo Perez are on the pod in both great New York City comics and honestly two of the best guys to run into at a comedy club. For real, they're always positive, always willing to talk sports, almost never politics that I know of, and they're hilarious and they have something unique about them. They've both been in quite a lot of trouble with the law. So this today is an episode about trips behind bars, it's a good one. Yeah, they have their own podcast about a two on the gates, which I've been on, so you should check that out. Please subscribe to this podcast wherever you're watching. Listen, I'm almost at 150,000 subscribers on YouTube, I'd like to get there, do me a favor, hit the subscribe button. That's it. Derek Drescher, Geo Perez, right now on a new episode of UB Trip. Hey, you guys ever have this in your head? We were like about to say something and then your brain has a full conversation with you. We were like, what's the pros and cons of saying this right now? Yeah, all the fun. Yeah, I mean, you know, actually maybe I shouldn't. As soon as I wake up, where you been and where you going, this is our Reese Travel Show. Yeah, we're going to talk about travel today. It's UB Trip and yeah. Welcome to UB Trip and everybody. It's a travel podcast every week, every episode. I go to a different place with someone who's been there. It's on an informational podcast. Most of the time we're actually quite wrong, but it's just about people's experience in a place. On any trip they've been on. This is going to be a weird one. It's not an out-of-the-country trip. It's a trip to the fucking pen. It's a local trip. It's a local inner city. I love stand-up comedy because it's the it's it brings people together from so many walks of life. My best friends is Joey Diaz and if you told us both at a certain age we get to know each other an orthodox borderline who has said it to you and a straight criminal, there's no way. Yeah, that's the best part about comedy. No background checks. No job history, none of that. Derek Drescher and Geo Perez, I saw you both at today and I was like, this has been in my head for a while because I thought you both been to jail, prison, whatever. And I was like, I'd be a fun one to do. And people do be tripping in jail. Yeah. We go tripping in jail. Okay, so let's talk all about it. Where do you guys go? First of all, most of my kind don't even know the difference between jail and prison. We use it. Jail is, uh, is like, well, some of your kind know. Yeah. Yeah. I was actually the ones who work. I was actually in some of them are keeping the matter. I was locked up with a lot of, uh, acidic Jews. No way. Yeah. And a lot of people know this green, green correctional is there's actually a real kosher kitchen there. No, where they send out all the kosher meals for the whole New York state kind of, uh, prison system. They make them. They make there's acidic Jews in there, Orthodox Jews in there. There's, there's a kosher kitchen. Wow. Even in jail, they don't eat the boys love. Bro. You always go kosher when you get in because your food is packaged. No one can, nothing could have been done to can't be fucked with. Yeah. I honestly do it with my friend was like asked for no tomatoes. There's just something different that they have to make it for us so it can't be sitting there. Yeah. No salt on the fries. Salt on the fries. Yeah. That's what you do. No salt and then you ask for salt packets. Yeah. I hated that when I was like extra salt for a while when I was living off McDonald's when I started comedy. And I was like, this doesn't have barely any salt on it. Like give me packets. I'm like, no, no, no. I wanted you guys to do the mix of the pain. I don't want to get all on top and none of the bottom. Yeah. Do it. But then you can't ask that because then I got fucked. Yeah. Salt, salt, tipped the fries. Um, so you guys both went to jail and prison. Yeah. Just jail a bunch of times. Yeah. I've been telling the difference. So jail is when you get a year or under bid. It's like county. It's like county. Yeah. Community college. Yeah. Okay. So like go for two years. Rikers is the county for the city. Rikers are jail. It's a jail. It's not a prison. Interesting. A lot of people don't know that. But it is also worse than a lot of prisons. So a lot of times guys will get locked up, go to Rikers and they will plead out quick so they can get upstate. So like, let me get out. Let me get the block. Everybody's on hold there. Well, no, it's it's not as dangerous, but there's just nothing to do. There's no movement. There's no program. There's no yard. You can't go to yard all day. It's pretty scary. Yeah, man. It is dangerous. So I was, it's dangerous. You don't have to worry about getting slashed or stabbed. You do? You don't. What where I was. Okay. It was it was hard to get raised as well. But in Rikers, people get scopples in there that's like actual medical grave scopples. Yeah, they have like five smarter that rapper. Yeah, he got he got in trouble because his girlfriend got caught smuggling drugs, a box and and scopples to scopples to be able to stab somebody. It's a slash somebody. It's so much different than us. We have like shaved something down. Yeah. They also do that. Something like that. Well, they'll just take like a old piece of metal and just sharpen it down and then all of a sudden they have a fucking machete. Yeah. You have to get into a lot of fights to think ahead of time. I'm going to need a stab. I've seen guys who have like whips with like metal studs on the end of the middle ages. Yeah, bro. We get like this hard plastic spoon. Like that's our spoon for a whole time there, right? Oh, it can't think. Yeah. But you know, I like to have like those like, you know, the plastic and a pen that only it's it can't be it bends. The pen bends. Yeah. They give you that kind of pen. It's made out of recycled tires. Yeah. And so it's like you can't really do anything with it. I got to say that story for later. I stabbed somebody with a pencil. But teach them something. And you join it in kind of jail. But what was that talking about? It was over ice bucket. I'm out of that. Do you got to realize the fight say you're going to hear about? Guys, don't say that if you get any ideas for any stories, don't say them. So I worked in the kitchen. Hold the thought. Okay. This was back in 2009. And um, we would do a job. Yeah, it's a good job because you can eat the food that the guards eat. Yeah. And you could sneak stuff back to that. Yeah, you could sneak like salt, sugar back in your boots and shit. I'd be taking straight chicken legs. I have them like fucking. It's easier to make the inside of my fucking yogurt. Is it a what? To make hooch like toilet wine. So we would, we would send like every, every dorm would get juice in these containers. And you put a little bit of ice, you know, like you put the juice, you know, you put a scoop of ice. But for our dorm, we would fill one container up to the top with ice. So when we were done with the juice, we throw it in a garbage bag in a mop bucket and it's our fridge. So it's just like having a cooler. So we do that every day. Throw your milks on there. They throw your milks to juice, to jelly, all that stuff. And when I was, I was, I had the juice job. It was the best job. I was there for like nine months. So as soon as I got that job is to eat the juice man. I was a juiceman. Yeah. A yo juiceman. Yo, juiceman. Yeah, I had an orange juice logo. Wow. Like this guy's a green over a kilometer or whatever. Like I sat around all day. I only had to bring out the coffee and the juice. So I barely had to work. Wow. But I would make sure that, you know, I had the ice filled and there was this Puerto Rican dude who had, who had, who was kind of in charge of it. And, you know, these blood kids was coming in, there was like more and more coming. There's probably like three or four. And one kid came in and he felt like that's going to be our ice bucket now. And it basically just kind of took it from him. The blood's, the blood's thought it was going to be their ice bucket. Yeah, the blood spread like a virus. It was all the sun in one day. There was just, they recruit. They just like, it's just full, just blood's everywhere. Yeah. They came in from the street and then also a lot of people join in there for all their gangs for potential. Yeah. Go strengthen numbers. You guys don't have that lipos will be whatever under the auspices of the blood. Yeah. They had two phones. They were called one the bloodline and I thought it was cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool. That is cool - Yeah, that is cool. - It's the bloodline of the, yeah, it's fun. - By the way, let me pause right now. Any gang we talk about is with the utmost respect. - Yes. - And I am just here for informational, would give you all the props in the world. - Shout out to all my slimes up there. - Yeah. - I love the slime. - I'm not, no allegiance to me on anybody. I love every gang. - I know gang gang, I do not gang. - You know what I used to do? I would mix it up, 'cause the crypts would say, what's cracking, 'cause, and the bloods would say, what's popping blood, or what's popping slime. So I would say, I would like go off into a corner, and I would yell, what's cracking blood, and then just watch them all. - You try to start crying. - Yeah. - Yeah, I was trying to start, I was trying to. - It was so funny to me to see them fucking. - Speaking of Puerto Rican starting shit. So this fucking, this fucking guy, just basically like, just let some habit, right? And he just gives, he just gives the ice bucket. - It kind of just gives it up. They kind of was just like, yo, and then he was making like a big deal about it. And I told him, I might, listen, I'm, I'm like, first I was like, why the fuck do you let him take it from me? 'Cause he was like, like, in his like mid 40s, and these kids were like 20s. - Why'd you let him take it? It's like, what do you want me? It's like, I love that post, I just love it. 'Cause I don't know, it felt uncomfortable. - He wasn't Latin king or anything? - No. - He was in there for like a pound of wheat. He was just like kind of like a, just a dude, a soul wheat, and got caught. - Yeah. - And then, so I was just like, oh, fuck it. I do the juice, so I'm gonna fill both of them up. 'Cause nobody drinks that shit anyways. And I'm gonna make my own ice bucket. So I make my own ice bucket. And then all of a sudden, he comes, he goes, yo, let me get that. The Puerto Rican dude. And I was just like, no, they got your ice bucket. This one's mine. He's like, no, no, no, no, I'm in charge of it. I was like, you want your ice bucket? Go get it from them. You let them take it from you, go get it from them. So he just walked away from me, walked right into myself. And I was like playing cards. And I had like a paper with a pencil, like keeping the score. And he just like walks away, just storms right into my room, slams the door, wide open, just boom. And then goes under my bed grabbed the mop bucket. So I just grabbed the pencil and I ran in after him and I just stabbed him in the back of the head with it. And then I jumped on top of his back and put him in the headlock 'cause he was bigger than me. So then the whole time he's just kinda like bumping me around in the cell and then people came and broke it up. And when he walked out of the cell, he's just like walking around all pissed and shit and all of a sudden like he started getting like this big fucking wealth on the back of his head. - Yeah, do the lead too, you probably. - Yeah, I don't know if you're seeing what happens. It's graphite. - You get like a blue dot there. - Yeah, he got infected. He didn't take care of it right away. But it kept getting worse, it kept hitting me. - He had a big ass spot on the back of his head. That's so fucking funny. - And the craziest thing about that story is, right? This happened in '09. I see this guy for the past year, probably like once a month because we both do DoorDash. - No way, really. - I bump into him at supermarkets all the time and I see him on his phone shopping for shoes. - Say hello to each other. - Cool. - No, we haven't said anything. And yesterday he goes, I'm here shopping for somebody. I gotta get some ice. - Yeah. (laughing) - You need some ice? - It's what it depends on where the office supplies. - And I saw him literally, it was probably the last day. I think it was probably Friday. I saw him and I wanted to like this time be like, "Hey, I don't know if you remember me." But kind of apologize. You know, like, "Hey, listen, my bad about that shit." 'Cause we bump, like the first time we saw each other, I'm like, he looked at me, and I could tell he kind of recognized me, but it's been so long down, I don't know if you could tell. - Maybe not place it, I don't know if it's somewhere. - Is it him? - I always get, it hasn't happened a while, but it did happen quite frequently. Now it's more like, are you a comedian, but I used to get asked, were you upstate? And I always go, no, no, no. I'm like upstate, where, what do you mean, what are you talking about? And then he'd be like, okay. - Just deny it. - Yeah. - That's what I don't want to say. I'm a comedian, I just say of an independent contractor. - Yeah, that's what I call it, then I thought of lie. - That's what I say instead of telling people I do door dash, I'm an independent contractor. - That's nice, that's nice. - Contractor. - What do you do with a contract work? - You still have quite a few people. - Yeah. - I mean, you're small, you have to do some one of those things where you gotta like show, you're not to be fucked with. What if you are someone to be fucked with? - Then you're gonna get fucked with. - Yeah, you have to do something. - Yeah. - It's gonna take you constantly. - You have to stand up to yourself to the point where they're like, all right, he's not an easy mark, he's not worth his struggle. - It's almost like with comedy, if somebody just, there's always that one person that just gets bullied all the time, and it just comes that person. - DeRosa. - Yes. - DeRosa and Jill? (laughs) - DeRosa, I mean, now we have a good time. - He always took abuse from the comics and whatever, he liked it enough and didn't like it. And then we went to Edinburgh and we lived here with my roommate with my other roommates from the year before. And it was like a tiny Indian second generation kid, too small like Altie comics and DeRosa. And I didn't prep him or anything, but these guys, tallest one is 5'7". They just started picking on him. - On DeRosa? - Yeah. - And I was like, dude, you just take a type. (laughs) - They know you're a 2v picture. - It's the shoulders, man. - Yeah, baby. - The shoulder. - The lack of. - That's crazy. (laughs) - Did he? - Damn. - Hey guys, hoping to join the episode. I only got a break in to tell you about the guests. They're both great, you should follow them. You should follow both them. Derek Drescher and Jill Perez, two of the all-time great hangs in New York City Standard. They're at the stand all the time hosting and performing. Hosting is performing. I don't know why I'm saying that. Follow Derek Drescher on Instagram at D-E-R-E-K Drescher D-R-E-S-C-H-E-R. And Jill Perez, follow on Instagram at G-E-O-P-E-R-E-Z-E-T-S-X on Instagram. Also, you should definitely get out of their podcast on the gate. If you wanna start with the one I'm on, definitely start with that one. I've been trying to get these guys on for a while to do a theme episode like this, because they're really the new iteration of Joey Diaz. They actually get together, they would love it. Just tons of prison stories were formed to now really legitimately great guys. You should check them out. You should follow both of them and both until I'm like, that you enjoyed them on this podcast. I mean, I don't like it at the passports. I don't think you'll anywhere else in the world. If I was the US government, I would not allow these guys out. For myself, I got nothing. Guys, I'm almost at 150,000 subscribers. So please do me a favor, click in the link below to subscribe on YouTube or on Spotify. And I'm trying to get those numbers up. It'll make me happy. Also, I'm trying something new. For the next month, I've taken all the ads off YouTube. No embedded ads. And all I gotta do is equal the money I was getting on ads. I think we can do it. But it's an experiment. What I'm trying is, you guys chip in. Put a super thanks in. Give it one dollar. If I don't like 3% of you gave one dollar, then I can do this. And then I won't have to do the ads anymore. I'll bug you. Now, all the premium subscribers don't know because you guys have money. The rest of you who are annoyed by the ads, you'll see it not come on this week. So if you like it, check a buck in. Check a buck with Rishafir. That's it. Also, the end is now available on Rishafir.com. If you purchase the end, all seven episodes for the price of five, by the way, you get two per three. Ben it. Wait. Wait. Okay, come. Then you get every YMH live episode right now. It's August 31st. If you click on the right now, if you've already bought it, don't worry. They're gonna send you a link when it's out. And you will get access to every YMH live they've ever had. Including Joey Diaz coming out of retirement, including Ringtoss on a fucking butt of a, of a Gimp. Peg right in his butt. It's great. You want to check that out. Again, if you've already bought it, thank you. I hope you enjoyed it. I know you did. And this is as a thanks to all of you. And anyone else is purchasing every YMH live for the anniversary of YMH lives. That's it. Let's get back to the episode. I think I got nothing left to say. Yeah, everybody's so vicious. I know what it's called. That you guys did at Skankfest. I'm like, that guy is a fucking hippo. He does that to keep him go off him. So you got to show you not to be fucked. That makes sense. Well, so this is what one time me and Rogan were real for a UFC. We had a bodyguard/driver and Rogan's a little armisting, likes the alarm. So he's like, we'll get robbed here all the time. The guy eventually is like, dude, you guys are two young men. That's not who they're looking for an easy target. That has to be really desperate to like risk a loss. Yeah, it's before Rogan's jacket. Yeah, they want to know that, like, all right, we can roll this guy easy. He's going to give us everything without it putting up any fight. And then they could take their frustration. Now, you know, you have a punch a kid a couple of times, just like that. Just do it. But in jail, they know how to, like, even somebody who can handle their own, they know there's some people that they know how to pick the weakness out on somebody. Well, they just been there for so long. Diabolical shit. Wow. Did you guys, let's say your first time, your first day. What's the feel and going in and saying, I'm about to give up my freedom. And then go in there. I remember that shit like it was yesterday. Well, yeah, my first time it was because it was a felony, so there was no bail. That stole a car. But the keys were in it. So it wasn't Grant the photo. I stole a car my first time. Grandlar. Yeah, and I flipped it because I was drunk. Grant that thought or a grandlar said it because the car was in there. You have to break the key or something. I hit a cop with the car. You hit a cop with the car. Hold on, hold up over the car. If you hit a car, I flipped over my car. It was a work van. You got none of you guys just steal a gold. Let me play it safe from here. You got to drive it like fucking video game. I was like 16. I was drunk as fuck, and I wanted to go to a hotel party. And I was like, I don't want to ride my bike there. So I was just like, I was just like, this is all. This is all, this is all you get. So I was like, I'm going to break into cars and people using these money. And I'll get enough money to get a cab. But I broke into this work van, and while I'm checking the glove compartment, I see the keys hanging. And I said, oh, so I threw my, I threw my, I changed the dead, I was like, oh, this is great. So I threw my bike in the passenger seat. And this by the way, this was somebody that lived five houses away from my mom's house. This was practically a neighbor. Damn. Yeah. This was the dumbest shit out here. Damn. But it helped in the long run because I never had to pay restitution. They didn't give a fuck. Like $7,000 in restitution, and they were just, they never followed up with it. But I took the van and I started driving towards the hotel, and I realized I made a wrong turn. So I go to make a U-turn and the van, the brakes were like dumb. So while I'm making the U-turn, the thing is like, all the tools are swaying one. I hear the tools go this way. And then when I turn the wheel to go straight, I hear the tools go back the other way. And all of a sudden, I felt the car go, and this is like those vans, like a work van. And it just falls over this toolbox and bike fall on top of me. So I might kind of stuck. I get out of that and I'm trying to climb out, but the door is too fucking heavy to lift up. So I finally get like the door open and I'm trying to like this guy stopped and he jumps on top. And he's trying to pull me on. I'm like, yo, yo, he gets me. I was like, yo, yo, grab my bike. Grab my bike. He's like, are you okay? Just grab my bike. And he grabs my bike. I get down and as soon as I get to go on my bike, this guy grabs it, wait, wait, where are you going? And I was just like, why are you bending your arm? Yeah. I was like, why are you leaving? I was just like, I look, yo, I fucking look like a baby. And he holds me there like the whole time just holding onto my, and I'm like, I could have just like snapped out of it and left my bike, but I'm like, I don't want to leave my bike. Greedy. Greedy. Dumb. - Thanks. - So just like guys. - Never learned. a cop show up and they start asking me questions and I'm lying the whole time. I was like, "Oh, I don't have my license on me. What's your name?" "Smart." "Who's vehicle is this?" I lied and said it was my uncles and then he's like, "Yo, the name you're giving me is not coming back to anything." I didn't lie to the last minute and then finally, they're like, "All right, you obviously lying to us. They handcuffed me." And then I remember my mom getting there with my father and she saw the van how it was and she just started breaking down crying and saying, "Oh, because she thought like something happened." Oh, she heard someone's in an accident and then she shows up and sees the van all flipped over and shit. And she starts bugging out and I'm like in handcuffs and I'm just like, "All right, good. She's not mad." She's not angry right now. Dude, when they handcuffed me after, I sold a car. My mother came down and punched me in the face while I was in. No. Yeah. They like waited for her. My mom cried when she saw this because I was 16. I got this before my arrest. It was so fucking. Crack had got it. Crack it. Yeah. Wait. So you're going in your first day. Tell me about it. Like the feeling. So yes. So now I find out I'm not going home. I go to court. They're like, "You're going." I had to stay for it. It was like seven days for a felony. Oh my God. And I had these Jordan 11s on when I walked in there and everybody in reception is like, "How old are you?" I was like, "I'm 16." I wouldn't wear that to the minor dorm if I was you. These are all older people. Like, "Yeah, don't do that. Don't go up there." I'm like, "No, I'll be alright. I'll be good. I'll be good." I was like, "No experience. We're going to America. I'll be fine. Based on what?" I got it. Appreciate it. I think worn by people who have been there. Yeah. Maybe like nah. Scary people. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. I'm like, "No. I don't have to fight. I'll be alright." And then. So I had to have it in my property bag. How do what? So you have like your property bag where they give you all your shit. It's like a net bag. It's your laundry bag. Okay. It's like your extra clothes, your underwear, your guide book, your toothbrush cup. Guide book. Yeah. So something. Yeah, it tells you. You rule black. Yeah, the rule book with the bulls are. I have a copy of my house. They always let you know that you get fed the bare minimum. The bare New York standard. It tells you masturbation is against the rules. Yeah. You can get a charge for that. How has anyone ever been? Is it like Jay walking there? People get charged for masturbation? Yeah. Well, it would be guys who are like the females who come around and just be standing at your cell. I almost got caught by a female and she did a double take. I mean, that I can understand. If you're looking at check, doing it. But if you're like under the covers, slowly lifting it up, it's like, come on, dude. I'm a man. Well, mind it was just a girl that was just. She happened to walk by. She was working the dorm. But I had my pants up to my thighs and I had the horns on my fucking bed, my butt man. Butt man. Even angel butt man, that four of them laid out on the best pages. And then I had the blanket ready to just throw it over. So I just saw a flash go by me and then I lifted my pants up like this and threw the blanket over and she came back and she's like, "Are you okay?" I was like, "Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just thinking." Did you guys call porn short eyes at all? No, we call them pussy books. Yeah. I always people call on in short eyes now, which doesn't make any sense to me because the original term short eyes was a term for. You got eyes? And for short? Yeah. But now, all of a sudden. Shorty. The last time I was. But shorty means girl. Yeah. And some of the last times I was in, they were calling like the butt man's like short eyes. It drove me nuts. You guys pick up the slang right away. Yeah, man. Yeah. Mostly slang from the street starts engine and it comes out. Because there was stuff that I was hearing like back in jail then I come home and all of a sudden rappers are seeing it like three, four years later. I was like, "Ahhh." But it's not gonna hold you. I'm not gonna hold you. Right, that's one. Yeah, that's not about me. How do you feel going in there? So dude, when I went, I remember I'm sitting in court also after the whole debacle with the car and my father comes and I'm like, "Pop," like I had a good feeling. I wasn't going home. I was like, "Pop, wherever they send me, just send me clothes." You know, "Bring me clothes." And my father's like, "Derek, I don't think you're gonna need clothes where you're going." You're gonna be like a dress. You're gonna be like a dress. You're gonna be dressed as a blister. You're gonna be like a drumstrip. You're gonna be like a jumpsuit. And I was like, "Oh." And I was like, "Oh," and I was, you know, and then, "Wow, what's it like to realize that?" Like, "Oh, yeah, it's different even." Then they say they're remanning me to Juvee, right? And then they take me downstairs on to the courthouse and put me in a cell and then another cop comes to get me to transform me to Juvee and then they're like, "What do you do?" And one of the guys goes, "Oh, he hit a cop at a car and he goes, he goes cuff this asshole." So they gave me the leather belt with the fucking shackles to that and bro, they put them on so tight. And I remember, I'm telling the cop, I'm like, "Yo, I can't feel my fucking hands. My hands are like changing color and give a fuck." I said that once he went and clicked them tight, and he went, "Let me see, clut." "Wow." So, so then we're around this long ass ride. It felt like forever, right? And then they bring me to the juvenile facility and we come in and then there's this lady. She comes out. She's got like a folder and she's like, "You could take the cuffs off him now. I have him." And then my head and my call to the lady is like, "She's like a protector. She's going to be like a protector for me." And then I start walking down the corridor where they're in and she looks to me and she goes, "You know how to take care of yourself, right?" And I'm like 14 years old and I'm like, "My only response in that minute was I was like, I was like, lady, I'm like, I'm like a kid." And she goes, she goes, "Well, the boys here know how to take care of themselves very well." And she's like, "You'll figure it out." It's not your butt will. That's what he said to me. And bro, juvenile, there's this, like he was talking about minor dorms, it's different than the adults. There's like a little bit of reason. Have you ever seen that movie, "Bad Boys" with Sean Penn? It's like, he went to like a penitentiary, but it was like, like, it looked like just an old-fashioned, yeah, he's looking it up. So there's a scene, if you can look up the scene where he's walking into the jail, I'm like, I went through something almost similar to that, but I didn't get spit on. Oh no. And this is right with the Jordan, like I'm in the elevator and the guy is warning me, actually the guy who warned me, he's a jail legend, iceberg, shut out the iceberg. And he was just like, he's the one telling me, "Yo, man, I wouldn't do that if I was you, I wouldn't go up there, man, those kids don't see those Jordans and they're gonna warn them. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna be alright, I'm gonna be alright." They're gonna warn him. Oh my God. And then I walk in and when I get into the lobby, they hand me the mattress. So I have to carry this mattress. Yeah, you blog all that shit around here. I'm like 120 pounds, five, six at the time. So I'm like walking and struggling, holding this mattress. And on the phone, I see this kid that I went to school with, but he was friends with my brother, but he didn't really know me. So I went to that desk and say, "Oh, hey, mom, what's up?" Like, "Yo, I'm wrong, brother, oh yeah, what's up, what's going on?" And then I look down and I see this other kid that I went to school with, but me and him, the last time we saw each other, we fought in school. So I'm like, "Oh, yeah, we fucking go." But before I can even get to my bed, everybody in the dorm just came, like, when I'm sitting on my bed and stood on top of it, like, just standing around me, like, everybody's just asking questions all at once and I'm just kind of like, "And then we're on your bed." I'm just sitting on my bed, like, because I didn't have a cell. So there's 20 cells and then four outdoor beds. They gave me an outdoor bed. Oh, my God. So I'm sitting on the outdoor bed where everybody's standing around me and then one kid, he goes to grab my property back and I go to pull it back from him and then he just snatches it out my hand. He's like, "What the fuck are you going to do?" And I'm just standing there just like, "Oh shit." By the way, he was in there for two murders. Uh-huh. Me and him became friends after that. He told me that what happened and he's like, shot one kid in the back, shot one kid in the stomach, but I'm happy I'm saying anything to him. I'm happy I didn't try him, but he snatches the back from me and then starts going through my bag in front of me. And then he goes like this. He's like, "All right." And then throws the back right onto my bed while I'm just surrounded by all these dudes. And then I'm just sitting there like, "Holy shit." And then within five minutes some kid comes over and goes like, "Hey, uh, you know Tony from school?" Yeah. Yeah, he said he beat your ass in school that I, you going to let him talk about you like that? And then I put the battery in my bag to go fight this kid. So I ended up having to go fight this kid again because, you know what I mean, in my head I'm like, "Well, I feel like a pussy." I didn't fuck you up. No, he, he like suck a punch me. It was just like he came out of nowhere and punched me and we fell to the floor and they broke it up. And then, uh, so I'm like, "Damn, I have to fight this kid now," or they're going to think I'm pussy. So we end up fighting and they kind of left me alone after that. But now he goes and steals my sneakers while I'm sleeping. Takes my Jordans away. So I wake up the next morning and my, my Jordans are gone. I start making a big mess of it, but they did replace it with some old, uh, Air Force ones. [laughter] He did replace it with some Air Force ones. At least it was nice to do that. The Air Force ones are not bad. Did you ever get the Jordans back? 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Just got some promotions by CashApp, a block ink brand visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosure. So let's go back to the episode. Oh, it got worse. So the whole day, I just like I ended up fighting again because somebody was just like, yo, I heard your sneakers are in this cell. So it was like this white kid. So I just I went in the cell while the kid wasn't in there and the kid comes in and we ended up fighting. Did he have them? No, he didn't have them. Wow. Fair enough for him for fighting that. No, but so the thing was they were passing them around. They were just they kept moving them around. I found that afterwards from a kid who was in there with me that went to court. He's like, yo, just so you know what's his name had your sneakers. I was like, I wish I would have known that fucking 24 hours ago. And so I ended up fighting again because of that. Then the next morning, I wake up and the air forces are missing. They stole the air forces that they replaced for me. So I ended up having to go home with the jail shoes. Like they felt grow, petackies and the black. So I went in with the sneakers. I went home with the sneakers and a black guy. Yeah, with a nice black guy. Really? Four fights in seven years. So does anyone want like to prep you for jail in prison? There's nobody in your life. Like if you're in a group. No, the ones with the straps. Yeah, those right there. Yeah, but black. Yeah, those exactly but black. Yeah, yeah, yeah, petackies and air wards. Air wards. That's great. Yeah, we got those. Yep. Wow. And and it's funny. I mean, I had a pair. You see, you see somebody wearing those though, just stay clear. They're not comfortable. Stay clear. Not comfortable at all. No, bro. And if you play handball at all, like you're wearing out the tread like they rip out, they rip apart. You can't fight in them. They're very slippery. Yeah, it's better for you to like fight in your bare feet. I fought barefoot. Yeah. Like when I fought Harrington and at Skankfest, Vegas that one year, I fought barefoot because I'm like, that's how you know. Yeah, bro, because you get a hold of somebody you could literally just slide them all over the place in those. Yeah, and if somebody's in their socks too, you could slide them all. People put jelly. Yeah, jelly on the bottom, on the bottom of the sneakers to give it a grip. Yeah. What are the, okay, I got some questions about just what life is like. That's the food and the meals. Food is horrible. And then would you all eat together and talk? Sometimes. Okay. Some places are different. Some places you only eat yourself and they do that to keep violence down and people stealing food and shit like that. Some places you eat all together. Yeah. And would you have, whenever it's eaten together, would there be those moments of like somebody just like, yeah. And then you have to just start fighting. Yep. That happened to me. That happened for juice. Not really. Yeah. Apple juice. Apple juice, not even a fucking lilicoi. Now the kid wasn't able to enjoy the juice, but I got my fucking ass kicked. I fought over a bread bag. What's a bread bag? Just an empty bread bag. Just because you can't with the take anything. Well, no, because so bread bags are like Ziploc bags in there. So we don't get loads of bread anymore. They make the bread and the bakery that inmates make. So before we get loads of bread and people will keep them to like store the cereal to keep it fresh. And we would only get the loads of bread when the bakery was out. So it's very rare to get a bread bag. Yeah. And I remember like, you got to have it on one of the line of kings was running the breakfast cart. So he's like, yeah, I got you on a bread bag. And I wake up for breakfast and he goes to hand it to me in his black kid. He was just like, yo, no, that's my like, he was like, we were kind of already like, no, no, I was waiting for it. I was here further. And I was just like, no, it's mine. It's my bag. It's promised to me four thousand years ago. Yes. Listen, I get you guys now. I get you guys. I understand now. I really understand. So he the guy that like just puts it on the table. And when I go to reach for it, he snatches it. Like just snatches it before I get the grab it. And he's a little taller than me. So when I want to grab it out of his hand, I remember him like holding it up. And just that thought, you know, like you do it a little kid. Like don't grab this. And me, I'm in the morning. I'm just an evil person. I'm the worst person waking up. So I didn't even say anything. I just hit him with a three piece. I just punched him three times. And then he put, I put him in a headlock and press him up against the table. But then people broke it up because the guards started hearing stuff. So guys, like, yeah, don't break it up. Break it up. And then after that, he was just like, all right, this is my fuck is going to fight. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Yeah. I threw hot shickery on somebody in the fucking morning. What? What? So they weren't at this point. They weren't giving us like real coffee. It was something called shickery. Oh, yeah. That's like the main thing made from like a root or some shit. And you guys get coffee generally. Yeah. And when that shit comes out fresh, it's fucking piping hot. Well, piping hot. I should splash it. Yeah. For what? What the fuck was this problem? I'm trying to remember the fuck was your problem? Yeah. I'm trying to remember what his problem was. I just might have a scarge over their face because like, yeah. Do you remember why he did it? No, terrible. I don't remember what he did to upset me. I remember one time, this is one of the two times where like I could have probably been killed or had someone in my family hurt. So we're playing we're playing spades one day. And damn, I fucking remember this guy. I'm getting old. Team spades, you play individual. Team spades. So there's this dude up. He was a nice guy, bro. He was drug dealer. He was looking at serious time. Like, he was going away for probably 25, 30 years, right? And everybody's totally into the guys. I'm playing with him and his boys. Like, I'm becoming friends with them. And they're just talking and he's like, and they're like, what about you, Derek? You think you, you, you belong here? You think you should be here? And I go, nah, man, I don't deserve to be here. I go in some piece of shit drug dealer. Oh, and everybody just gets quiet. And they're looking at him. And I'm like, oh my god. And then he just goes, uh, everything. Yeah. And then he just goes, nah, he's right. I'm a piece of shit drug dealer. And then he just throws a cord out and I was just like, holy fuck. And then I was really nervous. Something was going to happen to me the next, but he kind of, he definitely gave me a pass. He gave me a big pass. And another time I, uh, the first time my, my daughter, I hurt my daughter, speak words to me, was over the phone while I was incarcerated. Oh my god. Yeah. And she's saying she's like, daddy, where you go? That's what she was saying to me. So I, I'm like, all right, I gotta go love you. I, oh my god. I go to myself and I put a towel over my face, because I was crying. Could they cut the light? I see it. No, you know, yeah, you just sometimes when guys are doing that, you know, we, like, you know, we've been alone. There's some going on in this bike or do just Hell's Angel guy. Fuckin comes by my cell. He goes, and he goes, uh, he goes, let him out, kid. And I didn't even know who he was. And I just fucking got up and I fucking threw the towel. And he was like, he was like, okay. And then I was like, all right, whatever. I didn't say nothing. Next day I'm watching TV. You know, we're all like in the wreck area. And dude, something hits me in the back. I felt like I got fucking shot. It was one of those, uh, he took like a bunch of paper and tape and wet it and and like turned it into a rock almost. And he- fucking sling shot at it into my back. - He shoot her. - So, bro, it hits my back. It's fucking, everybody sees it. So I'm like, fuck, I gotta do something now. And I walk over to him and he goes, what? And I just get, like, within the space and then his foot flies past my face. Like, his foot, he kicks his foot past my face. You know, it's just like-- - Is this Rogan? - I don't know. - I was just like, all right, all right, you got it. You got it, you got it. And I once sat down. So, I got punked, but like, only halfway. Is at least I got up and fucking did something. Plus nobody in there would have had the balls to do anything like that. - Speaking of punked. - Is that the term? - What was the fear of, you guys, don't have to share anything if you don't want to. Like, what was the fear of getting fucked? - I mean, to be honest with you, that stuff doesn't really happen on the East Coast. - It really is. - There's like enough homosexuals that, like, if you wanted-- - It's sexual from what I heard. Like, if you want to do that. - You're not gonna deal with that in county. If you're fucking in county, you're gay. There's no, nobody in there. 'Cause the most time you're doing this, two years. - And so people don't-- - No, like, I've seen sex acts happening, but it was all consensual. - All consensual. - And there was some-- - Well, that's the West Coast thing 'cause all the gays in America and the West Coast. - I think it happens in the feds, on the West Coast. They're like-- - There are some legends out there like, the East Coast police would-- - So in Rikers in the 70s, that would knock you out and just fuck your ass. - Well, they're just like, we're going too fuck. - So that does happen, but not as permanent. - It's not as yes. It's not like, oh, it's gonna happen all the time. - 'Cause so when you hear stereotype jokes about prison or jail, you must be like, yes, or like, that's not like that. - Yeah. Like, if you're Hispanic, you feel like-- - Like, if you're sagging your pants, it means you want to get fucked in the ass. It's all fucked. - If you what? - If you sag your pants. - If you want to get fucked, it's awful. - I heard a trend of a jet that came from jail. - People wanting to get fucked was-- - 'Cause they weren't allowed to have belts anymore. That's why the pants were sagging. - The jumpsuits. But I remember, that's why I found out in jail, it was an older Dominican through who had been to prison. And I would say, my pants would be sagging. He's like, you know, that in prison, that's for two things. That either means you gangster or you gay. - What a different-- - Yeah, that's very opposite sides of the spectrum. - And he's like, if you're not against-- - Do you understand? - I don't fucking know. I don't remember his fucking track. - 'Cause it's different on the West Coast. The West Coast is like militant broken down by race. - Basically, like letting your pants sag is kind of a-- - An invitation. - An invitation. - Yeah. - It's already halfway down. - So don't let struggle. - Now, since then I've been wearing my boots. - You take it the rest of the way down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I took my shirt in. - I'll even listen to stories of West Coast and down south where I'm like, these guys are animals. They're like way worse than-- - Then we are the stories I hear them tell. - Well, yeah, 'cause it's more-- It's more gang, like in Suffolk, right? Which is not as crazy as Rikers. If you're Crip, it's not gonna be that bad for you. - Right. - You know what I mean? You're gonna have a problem, but if you go hold your own, you'll be all right. But in LA, you cannot-- Like, the jail itself will not put a Crip-- - With the blood. - With the jail itself. - Yeah, because it will be like, this is-- - Whites with Whites. - Oh, really? Good break it down. - Oh, sure, there's no-- Like Oz was always like the white nationalists, the blacks and the Mexicans, the Italians. And then the whites had to link up with the Italians. Like, we're not racist, but it's better we have allies. - You have to be racist in jail. 'Cause Dominicans will always give me shit 'cause I talk to black people, I talk-- - And they don't like it. - And they don't like it, and they don't like it. Like, oh, you two cool with this, go go all of that. And I'm just like, what's my boy from the time? Like, yeah, but just be careful, you know that. - So really was like a legionist like that? - Yeah. - We're like stick to it. Who'd you go with? - It was tough, and I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish. - But with the Muslim fucking news, man. - No, I actually, I used to go to war with the Muslims all the time, bro. All the time. Why they were like praying, I'd like break dance in front of them and shit. - That's a break. - We're taking Jerusalem back, bitch. There was this one dude, his name was Hassan, bro. And I felt like I was like, if I'm gonna do something serious, I'm like, I'm gonna kill Hassan. - Hassan Piker? - Or Hassan's gonna kill me, like, 'cause we hated each other. - We hated each other. And I remember it was like, I was getting out, and he's like, and he used to like speak very properly, that he also used to upset me. And he'd be like, oh, Mr. Dresher, do you mind if I could have an audience with you? - No, like that. - And I'm like, I'm like, all right. - He's like, I'm gonna know the capital. - I'm like, Jingle. - I'm like, all right. - Hassan, you wanna fucking, so I'm like, I'm thinking, all right, we're gonna fucking get it, we're gonna get it shaken. And then he's fucking, did the fucking complete 180, I mean, he's like, Mr. Dresher, you know you are not the same man who walked in here. You know that, right? And I was like, what? He's like, your child needs you. - What? - And your family needs you. And he's like, and you gotta be there for them. And don't worry, he's like, if you stay at a trouble when you leave here, you'll find your people. And then I like almost started, I'd like run into myself and put my towel over, I'm like, fucking eyes again. - There's this little way I'm gonna do that. - Yeah, I'm like, and then I'm thinking, I'm like, this motherfucker's tricking me. He's gonna fucking stab me. Like, he's gonna do something. But that was-- - Was there much like kindness like that? You guys saw it? - If you see kindness like that, or hear it. - Yeah, you, yeah, you don't trust that shit. You don't fucking trust it. (birds chirping) (wind blowing) - The bird christ your dillens by free waters. Wherever you go, you gonna be reminded of a bird. - It's like guys first coming in. Hey man, you need something. Little do you know, now you owe double on that. Little do you know, I've seen guys come up, put like drugs in someone's hand, and something be like, oh shit, and be like, yeah, that's yours. And then now you owe the money, and now guess what, now you have a contract with them that you need to buy that every month. - Oh god, yeah. - For my last charge. - So what do you do, just go, no, no, no, no. Like, what's your option? Just go, thank you. - Don't take anything. - Don't take anything from anybody. - Unless you know them from the street. - When I was doing my, for my last thing, for that snowball bullshit, I was trying to take a year of state to not do two years in county. So my lawyer said he got me that. So I told people I'm going up state. So the older guys were like kind of preparing me. And they were like, if you see, if you get to your room, and there's food, there are any givebacks, don't take it. Grab it, go out to the day room, and say, "Hey, whoever this is, thank you, but no thank you." Do not accept it. 'Cause that, if you take that, somebody come by, "Hey, did you like my gift, I got you?" - That's a contract. - Yeah, you are. - That's setting you up to owe them. And you don't want to owe people in jail. I see, like I remember-- - Like if you're really down on your luck, some dudes that have stores and shit, like you don't have any money on your books and you like need you to bar a soap, like you can go get a bar of soap, but you owe too. Now you owe too. - Yeah, yeah. - Like there was one time, 'cause my bed was close to like the TV and the tables where everybody were like gambling shit. And I'm just taking a nap during the day, and all of a sudden I just like hear like a fight coming towards my bed. And it was this one guy who owed money and then was doing some like weird shit with the bed and started arguing about him, like he wasn't gonna pay. And he's arguing with three blood dudes. This is one Italian guy arguing with three blood dudes. And when I'm talking about like they stomped them, like he hit under my bed to stop from getting stomped out. Like I just wake up to see three dudes standing by my bed, stomping somebody by. - Good morning. - Bad, like his head, like he got up, and like they had to take him out, like later on, 'cause the guards saw him, and he didn't snitch, but they had to take him out. - Yeah, what were the words, were they breaking anything up or were you just waiting till they weren't looking? - You mean like all the stuff. - The guards, I don't know. - Corrections officers? - Yeah. - Sometimes they don't care. - Bro, the corrections officers think about it, right? Like if you do a double, if you do two shifts, - Most of them do double shifts. - That's what they make the most of the time. - What's the difference between you and an mate? - That you can do a lot. - You go home, you fucking eat, and then you take a shower, you go to sleep for six hours, and then come right back in. So like, what's the difference? - So they're not gonna break anything up, 'cause I don't know. - No, they're just as fucking sadistic and fucked up as Xenom. - They're like, "Hey, you want us to turn off the TV?" Now, if it, like this fight said that if it doesn't stop, they have to come in. But if they're like, "Hey, if they yow, and it breaks up," they'll make tall hate, you know, pull somebody out or something, but-- - The most of those are guys that couldn't pass the psych test to become police. - It's people that want to be cops, but couldn't. - Yeah. - Well-- - A lot of them are strokeers, fucking like volunteer firefighters and shit like that too. - A lot of people don't care, 'cause they've been there for like 20 years and they're like, "Oh, yeah." - Yeah, some guys I think join just to get the pension. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm sorry, I was a little bit nervous. I'm not looking at anything. Yeah, like Milligan, he was there for like 18 years, but he didn't have to deal with, 'cause he worked in the kitchen. He was in the kitchen. Is that what you met him? You met him in there. You worked so fine. He was my boss for five months. Wow. I remember that day you were like, I mean, we were hanging and you were like, I gotta stop and see him. He's like, he's like the booker of the club and I was like, bro, this is crazy. Get the fuck out of here. I was like, I know you're the booker of the club. You met a club booker in prison. He didn't tell me he was the club booker at the time. He told me he was the head chef and a part owner. You left the booker part out. Conveniently. Head chef. No, it just means he steals the most food. (laughing) I don't like you as chef and jail chef, 'cause I was unbelievable. But he never cooks. I don't even know if you could cook. We used to cook his shit. Yeah. We did his work, but he was the man. He would get his soldiers. He'll bring it to the radio. So we just listened to the radio whenever we wanted to. So that's a good chef. Dude, it was the best chef. How do you get that? You gotta put it in for it. You get lucky. So there's three inmates and it was all Hispanic. So I talked to them. I was like, "Hey, when do you guys leave, can I get that?" So that's how I got it. It was something I kind of put in for earlier. And it was just like, you go for, you go during the count. Yeah. So you don't gotta be in your cell. You just chill, eat whatever you want. You can eat real food. And you just go for an hour and a half. So, when I walked into the kitchen and hang out, drink soda, and he'll play like clips for us on YouTube from the office because they had a computer there. So he's like, "We'll be talking about shit." And he'll just go and pull it up. And the guard that was with him was cool as fuck. So we'd just be there watching comedy shit or just whatever we wanted to watch. The wheel was piss wall. We felt like screaming that day. That Pepsi Cola was piss wall. So the spot I was at when I worked in the kitchen. I worked in the kitchen for a fucking full year. I'd just get there. They moved me to that dorm. And so from what I understood, guys I had to be there for a while to get in the kitchen. So I just get there. And they're like, "You're working in the kitchen." So then a lot of guys started coming up to me. They're like, "Hey, how did you get that job?" You just got here. So I'm like, "Oh my God, I have fucking problems with this." - You just got lucky. - So they come to get me to report to the kitchen. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm not taking the job." They're like, "If you don't, we're gonna have to put you in solitary." - Yeah. - Wow. - You want me to refuse to work? - Yeah. - You can go, you can lose your good time. - And everyone has to work? - Well, you can refuse in classification. But once you get to the working dorm and you refuse to go to work-- - That's it. - You lose your good time. - And they'll put you in solitary. - And you get to solitary confinement. - That happens to my goals. - So some guys don't work at all, but they don't get in a better dorm. - So the most I could do was like three days. I was like, "I can't do this anymore." And they got kept coming around every day. I was like, "You ready to work?" And I was like, "Yo, man, people are pressing me about it." Like, "Why did you give me this job?" And he was just like, he was just like-- - Right in the flexion for the right time. - Yeah, he was really good. - And then fucking-- - Yeah, they would always get the-- - I finally I was like, "All right, fuck it. I'm ready to go to work." And then I went back. I was like, "Guys, I did my fucking best." I'm sorry. - Well, what was that? - I was in the kitchen, bro. - All the minorities worked kitchen. And then they gave the white dudes the outside detail. - I detailed. - They gave them the best jobs. - Outside details, but like gardening? - Well, like you go clean and shit. - Yeah, those guys always got the smoke cigarettes and shit too. - Get the smoke cigarettes and get to be out. - They got to be out and about. - Get some sunshine. - Yeah, only white people. And then the people that brought in the shipments, there were three guys, all white guys. And then the last time when I was in Riverhead, the '09 one, they made a five gallon bag of hooch. (laughing) So you know, like those soda things that make that you put the syrup for like the Coca-Cola machines, the syrup thing, the syrup bags. So they took one of those, it's just five gallons. They filled it in with all types of juice that we get pineapple, orange juice, all the shit. Put a raisin, sugar, and then they got yeast from the fucking bakery. It made a five gallon fucking hooch. And so there's two working dorms. So there's the dorm for the kitchen and then the dorm for the outside detail laundry and all those guys. That whole side got so fucked up that they got caught. 'Cause one of the outside details guys was going around the dorm, he shit himself. And he had, he put like, he had shit on his fingers and he was going around trying to touch people. - Oh. - And then the guards came down and he smelled it on him. - That's like a salt too. - It smells like meal polish. - Well, the drink. - Yeah, they gave him some in the kitchen. - And then you got to strain it too because you get all the chunks of all that shit in it too, gross nasty. I always thought about making hooch at home, just the fucking, just for the fuck of it. - Right, this makes lemon cello. It's kind of the same thing. Lemon cello. - Does it make it into toilet? - Casio's too. - That's the best way. - I don't think it's going to have to taste. - Make hooch, it's almost crackers in such a part. - Casio should do these crackers. - No, he'd make, he'd make gel food for people. - So the, it's a gym called Combody. - Yeah. - So a formerly incarcerated dude owns it and he only hires you if you've been incarcerated. - Oh, it's like, um. - Combody, right there. - Where's the other one? - This com butt. - Oh, no. - Homeboy industries. - Oh, I don't know about that one. - Maybe which, West Coast. - Yeah, that's a West Coast thing. - Okay, they just, they only hire like, West Combooks. - Yeah, so he was like a really good chef and he could make really good shit like, you know, either the ramen, either the burritos, like he would make a, he could basically turn a bag of the burritos like into a wrap. - Yeah. - Yeah, and make, he can make cheese cake and all that shit, he was like, he good, man. - Hey, can you guys vote? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a, almost did that, fix that shit years ago. - They did, so you're like, uh, okay. - I still, I still tell people, no. - Como, he fixed that and he fixed the, - I'm like, I'm a felon, I don't care. - That's smart, that's what I should say. - He fixed the senior problem and he fixed the phone. - Jerry, you. - No, bro, I had to go to Jerry Doey. 'Cause I have, I have a real felon son. - I have a certificate of relief now. - Oh, so that's after your last charge, if you're good for five years and you prove it, you gotta jump through all these hoops, you'll get a certificate of good relief, certificate of relief of disabilities, which means that you can't like be, they can't hold it against you that you're like a felon. Right, so you can start partaking in these, these Jerry Doey and before Cuomo fixed the voting thing and all that shit. - I hope that works. I don't think I can get it to London or Canada. - That's probably not Canada. - Canada, they turn me around. - Almost definitely not Canada. Anything, don't drive in once. - Yep. - I had a friend who had drug sales who got into conspiracy theories and there was a conspiracy theorist in Canada who he wanted to visit. So he went through every fucking thing he had to go through and he helped them and he's like, yeah, I had to go to the consulate, I had to get like a letter from him, letter from my job, show him that I haven't been in trouble for a while. So I started looking into that 'cause of JFL. I'm like, oh, if I ever wanna apply for JFL, I gotta get in there. And when I'm answering, they're like, what are your charges? I was like, oh, I'm drug charges, drug sales. I was like, anything, I was like, yeah, weapons charges like, nope. - Wow, that's it. - What is charges? Nothing. I need Drake. - To help. - I need Drake Rogan or Trump to get me in there. (laughs) Oh, I know, I know how to snuggle myself in. I know how to get into Canada. - Yeah. - You know what I mean, but-- - Get around. - They give me so much shit when I try to get into Canada. And I was only gonna be there for like a day. - They're still there like, we're not-- - They're like, no, they're like, you can't. You flew over your house because I went from Mexico right to Canada and then I was coming back to-- - Look over your house. - Yeah, they're like, you flew over your house. You're only here for a day. And then yeah, something's up and then you're just leaving. So I had to stay in the airport and then they put me on the next flight back to-- - What are the toilets like? - Metal. - Metal. - In cold. - Yeah, they got good water pressure though. - The seat that goes up? - No. - No, the seat? - I have somebody's head. - Yeah, it's just the metal-- - The stainless steel bowl. - How-- - How was shitting on it? Was it, was it? 'Cause the seat goes down so you don't fall under the toilet. - I don't see it. - I'm saying like, how do you shitting it? You just sit on it. - Sit on it. - You can like, you don't fall in. - Gotta take your pants all the way off though when you shit. - Why? - I shin' through my-- - Somebody tries to run up in there and you're not-- - You can't be pulling up. - Yeah, you can't be fucking easy to push over. - Really? - Yeah, if you have problems with somebody, I always shitting away. - Who'd teach you that? - I knew a couple guys that said they did it and I just started doing it. - Yeah. - Do you piss standing up? - Of course. - Yeah, you got it. You know what I'm making, who's gonna fucking beat the shit out of you? You're gonna make your peace stand sitting down. - What would you do with like the little tingles, you know, little tingles in your own bathroom that like a little splash, you gotta wipe up on the oil. - Yeah, but you wipe it. - You wipe it. - Yeah. - I had a, a cellmate once, his old black dude. - He wanted you to peace sitting down? - No, no, no. - He wanted, no, no, no. So what-- - We peace sitting down here, Gio. - No, no, no, after I pee, he wanted me to wipe it, dry wipe it with a toilet paper, then hit it with the spray, and then wipe it with the spray. - Yeah, every time, every time I took a piss. - That you would do that? - He was, listen. - I wanna do that. - He was anal. - He was anal, but when you look at his teeth, I'm like, how will you, this germafold, when all you shit are rotten? - Yeah. - The fuck, like you have, like all you shit is black, and you was such an OCD person, but I look at his teeth, I was like, it doesn't make sense. - Bro, some guys only do well. - And I got lucky in there. - And I didn't have a cellmate for four months. - Really? - And people were so, like, how the fuck is that possible? I was not getting a cellmate for four months. Is it better? Do you get along with your cellmate generally, or do you try to, or do you, like, - Yeah, I live with the guy. - They took it away now. They don't have such a small space. - It's illegal to have two people in such a small space. - Oh, you don't do bunk beds anymore? - They built so many new places, there's so many new wings. - So it's just a shelf now. I used that as a shelf. - You all get your own room. That must be way better. - We all got our own stuff. - Our own cell. - We got our own stuff. - You're right. - That's not petty by time. It's lights out and you just got to like have your lights out. Yeah, they dim some Places it's not lights out. It's not dark. It'll be like a little one Be like a tiny one like a But yeah, I gotta take a piss real quick. Yeah, go for it. We were talking Gotta get that bladder fixed buddy. Did you have did you have the thing up when afterwards where you're like now? You're more easily able to sleep with without having like pitch black. Yeah, like I could I could sleep through anything But then I had this thing for the longest where like wherever I would sleep, especially while I was of course But I would sleep with my back up against the wall. All right, not like towards the wall Right in case yeah, just for safety and I I continued to do that for a long fucking time afterwards And I have it just out of habit and then the way I ate too. I would eat so fast Does that stop anyone from any stop for anybody from Grumman or just you know get get it over with and get back to Would you have girlfriends tell you to slow down girl from girlfriends my mother? Yeah, you're not prison. My mother. Yes, my mother would say that all the time And I used to just think to where I would put one arm in front of the plate really? Yeah, and then I would just yeah, and I would just house it. Yeah, I was hard to break now I'm starting to finally break out of like all that stuff How long ago was the last time you were in in the last time I was in let me see What I got I got about 12 years now probably around 10 10 and a half years ago. I was already like clean like you know No drugs in my system and shit like that, but there was an old warn I had so So you got to serve that warner so that so a lot of people where I was at are like dude don't Turn yourself in but I remember at that time in the subways they were like the cops could ask to see your ID and shit like that Yeah, and if they run your ID and see you have a warrant, you're gonna get arrested. I was like it's better I just turn myself in So I turn myself in and I'm like I'm gonna ask the the cop. I go look Do you know what this warrant is for because they couldn't they didn't know and I he's like nah, it's just a bench warrant I'm like I bench warrant not that bad so I get to court and It was for a fine I didn't pay for like a fucking Trust passing or something very light years earlier and I was like oh, I have the money like I have the money and The judges like where is it? I was like it's at the jail The money's at the jail in my property property. I can pay I can I can pay to get out You left jail without taking a property? Well, no, when you're bringing they're bringing a court. You don't bring your money, which you right? So So fucking I'm like let me out Compering the money and he's like no, he's like absolutely He's like no, there's no way I'm doing that. He's like I can't just he's like you'll you'll run You'll you won't pay you you got to pay and he's like how much you have in your property? I think I broke like I had like $800 and cash on me and Because I was expecting I didn't know what the warrant was for. I was like I might be here for a while I need to have some commissary money like a fucking eat good and not have to eat the shit they serve you but he like made a memorandum that You know this much money out of the money that I had was gonna go to the court and they let me walk and then you weren't got a tender right? Yeah, man. It was it was done. That was the last time I got locked up, but I will say when I walked into The tier right, you know at this point. I'm like 33 34 years old I remember I'm like starting to go fucking gray and my beard and shit a little bit and I just remember walking in and being like Just looking around. I'm like I don't know nobody here. There's all like this young kids and fucking It was the opposite for me when I like Last time I went in when I realized I knew so many people from different jail bids I was like because from that first time I only knew people because of from school Now I'm like bumping into people like I was locked up with you I was locked up over here. I was locked up with you over here And that's when it started hitting me. I was like holy shit. I don't way too many people in jail that day I went up to myself. I fucking I tore my t-shirt in half and I just grabbed the face and started crying I started doing that. I think I was great way to do it. I just I just cry with a towel This is getting a hot towel shave. I wrapped it around my hands And I was like fuck it. I was like and I left my cell door open I was like let me see if they fucking I was like the first one that comes in is Is going out and the rest of them I get but they never came. Wait. Why would they gonna come? Just they I brought their old young black and Spanish kids and I'm just like this fucking older white dude in it This point like, you know, I got my I just look different. You know, I had like a collard shirt on and I look like a Complete fucking herb, you know, yeah, yeah, what Okay, I got a lot of some questions. I'm looking at myself like would I press me? I'm like yeah, I would press me for sure Yeah, yeah, this guy I'll just give yeah When you when you didn't have something you had to take a dump at the middle of the night was that was like don't do this in the middle of night Yeah, that was a real don't do it when we're Shit when we're out like if you got a fine I try to hit the side of it. Was there water in the bowl? Yeah, we're trying to hit the sides It wouldn't make you each other up Yeah, it's kind of hard, but yo, then it's still metals the water pressure on them toilets was crazy. Good flush Yeah, the flush to do then you hear stories in certain prisons of like Somebody getting killed and then they'll chop you up into little pieces and flush you down the toilet. Yeah That's what they have here where there's no back to the toilet in New York City ones where there's no space Yeah, just the just the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so fucking suck your balls down there, bro Everyone I thought I flushed it. I had shit today and I was like I'm just I'm gonna do a courtesy To build up too far and then I was like this is a mistake. I had it was lower with more power This is so I'm like when I shit my dick touched the water. My dick touched the water Did you guys make friends and keep friends? No, I never talked to anybody that people give me the information. I'm like. I'm not gonna reach out to you Yeah, in the back of my mind. I'm not gonna reach out to you. Yeah, no, I don't There's people that I think that I'm still friends with on Facebook. Yeah, younger kid But he's still out doing same shits. I don't want to be around. So just a couple months ago. I went to go get like a new ID at the DMV Everybody and yeah one and the guy who's working ID boost I was locked up with no way I was like holy shit goes how you doing Derek? I go Jimmy. I go fucking look at you government job But he goes yeah, yeah, they fucking they hire us and that was it How's it but and you had friendships while you were in there? Yeah, first of all you're in there, but once you like all this guy is leaving two weeks like you kind of start Like I would start realing it back in, you know, I mean That's how in Hong Kong and Shanghai all the expats are there All the relationships are like temporary because they're like we're we're all on about a three to five year contract with our bank or job So it's like you're two years in I'm six months in so it's like bored time. Yeah, once you're leaving You're leaving. I'm staying. Yeah, so no one gets that serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, give a good by party That's it. Yeah, my boy that I have to guys are coming right back anyway my boy called me from the feds like years ago We went we went to Harlem to go by we And he's like yo my boy that I was locked up with up state I know this is my guy. We share the bull. But it's my dog's my dog He's gonna get us a weed so he takes us around to shop for bud and We're sitting there waiting. I think I gave him like 1200 my boy gives him 400. Oh, no, you guys got beat So he's just like so what we're going like and it sounds it sounds shit a bowl, man Yeah, no choice. Yeah, dude like when the dude came I was like, you know, I'm always skeptical with everybody I have trusted issues with everybody but I'm like he says he's cool. I'll take his word for it but I sit in the car and my boy goes in the building with him and I'll sit in there probably like 20 minutes passed by I'm like go what the fuck is happening? And all of a sudden my boy he comes back and he's like like he's on his flip phone He's like talking. He comes up like oh, so I think I just got god. I think he's just got it I'm like what happened. He's like nah bro. He's he said that like they went to walk up He's like yo my boy's coming down real quick. He's like just wait right here and then he said while he was talking to him He goes like yo, you got a lighter. He's like no, he's like hold on. I'm gonna go grab a lighter real quick Like let me get the money and then he said he grabbed the money and just never came back. Oh So I was like you fucking that's what I'm like. I can't believe it. I'm like I met you in jail Because you were a piece of shit. Yeah, we could be friends here because we're both here Yeah, and you would get closer to him because you're with this part, you know, you're around these people 50 cents at a best 50 cents a best I might talk to you while we're up in the pen when we come home Don't mean we're gonna fucking be Yeah, that rhymes too. It's great for that type of genre. He also had another one He's like serving well to him like that He's like Guys in jail they put tears in their pills in the dark because if they did it in day people were Questioning heart. Hmm. I was thinking of that bar when you said the whole crying thing. Yeah, yeah I know I fucked it up, but it was Sunday long. I know dark and heart Eventually the more you go in and out you line rhyme you just get like all out if you I have to hear you say it but Really 45 As as a as a renowned battle rapper now. Yeah By the laws of M&M anywhere can rock or the bed's like Horrible the matches. Yeah, it's just a it's like a gym. I think like Bob Barker owned company that made him or something Bush I know the Bush family Was involved in like the food Like the money in that huh so much yeah, and they call it the prison industrial complex Yep mattress and linens you get a pillow - no pillow no pillow. I got a pillow In a couple places right the mattress. Oh, no the one of the last places. I did. I had to stuff my fucking Yes, that's right. That's right. I got the company name is Bob Barker, but they have no affiliation with Really? That's like the Bill Murray complex. That's crazy. They're just like people like why's it called though? Like we think it's cool The price is right With a focus on reducing recidivism. So me and Fucking Kevin iso would drive in from Tucson back to Phoenix for a flight Right a couple hour drive and we get a text river halfway through saying flights late six hours Maybe there's a three or four hour drive, but we're like let's take a scenic route. Let's get off the highway We got time to kill. We're already gone So we drove through like the deserts and stuff found some old Mojave like ruins and stuff. It was pretty cool Then we came across Some building it said we didn't know what it was all right prison We had no idea and they were like reducing recidivism since 1982 I'm like, what does that mean? We had to look it up There's nothing around it And we could see where their windows would have been to stare at the only thing around it This really got Kevin hard. He goes with cotton fields Really, and he goes he goes if you're black, which you high chance you are And you're looking out as like my only way out of here is back into some There this has to win the like damn. I gotta get out there There's no modern day slavery because like I said So we do we feed the inmates we clean the clothes we clean the jail They do for someone else's profit. Yeah. Yeah, they're making money handover fish Instead of them hiring somebody Within says hey, everyone's got a pitch in like a community like a bro and commonwealth states when you get out You owe the state money. Yeah, it's up for your room and board for your room and board And if you don't pay they you go back when my father came home from the feds. They gave him a water bill What yeah, they gave him a bill for what he's in New York You got it you get from the fed and then what the fuzz is doing with all that money. What are we doing on income tax? Use that shit. Yeah, I mean that's an obvious one I can see making profit like let me get the let me get the contract to like make all the clothes Okay, sure, but then like and like how do you make the clothes? We'll hire you like no get free labor Yeah, bro there's the water bills crazy like I mean this call centers in jail There was a prison enough state of New York. It's a close-down down call centers You could call somebody. Yeah, the DMV if you call the New York state DMV There's a good chance. You're talking to somebody who's incarcerated. Yeah, 100 percent also There was a prison of state they close it down now. It was one of the best ones ever. It was uh, it was called orange There's this orange correctional. Is it no now orange counting orange correctional and warwick uh It was on a it was the it was a beautiful Fucking like a state bro. It was gorgeous fucking flowers and the inmates there trained service animals That's what they did they trained service animals Yeah, what's the toughest ones you guys remember being in though like the worst ones. Did you vis were the worst ones for me? Yeah, for the minor dome I was in the same two jails we ever had and I did Queens book and for three days, but The minors being with the out of lessons You just you just a young thunder cat and everything heals so quickly mentally and physically that and you're the kids are ruthless Rootless. Yeah, I remember once I was just standing there and one of my friends just pegged me with the orange from across the dorm Just because just to do it and then I threw up my bucket of water my pocket on top. It was just dumb shit Did some kid hit me with a fucking pair That's not that outside the laundromat on just walking on B and like I was thought probably geo boy and I just felt something. It's what the fuck and it was a pair of kind of bounce like a cover And I looked at these two kids one was looking and I was like I think I must be like 16. I'm like But I'm like, I don't want to fight these two sixty year olds for both fight And then it's like what the fucking idiots Yeah, kids are took it our students would take this guy the back of my fucking members only jackets. Let's just stay in Lean more racism think think about remember the classes and like in high school where they had like those bad kids Where it's like for them, but there's like eight teachers. Yeah Imagine those kids in a in a dorm all day 24 hours and all don't person watching them And they and they're barely in there they they go out to the lobby. They barely in it. Bro There's some places that goes you would be like four Lord of the flies like four like not tears But just four separate areas one CEO in a bubble in the middle of them just so he could he could see all them like in that movie Hey, show that clip. I want to see that. Oh, yeah, that dog. This this is wild That's when you see something like that. You're like yes, Neil. I'm I've been I've been incarcerated. That looks like real that yeah I've been to something like that, but with adults though not with mine. Yeah, but that's a small line. That's what prison Looks like wow and it reminds you so this is the dorm is probably smaller than from this green Tarp to that table the what the dorm. Oh, it's just like this small thing and then it's just a cells Hey, I think it's like a way I know if you can find this maybe on AI or something I think that scene in there might have been Use later as the station for 21 jump street It looked exactly like it the jail. Yeah, I want to doubt it Because I know there's an LA like jail they use for movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That I've been in and there's right next to a hospital these for movies like walk through a door It comes at a whole different like scene. It looks so similar. I don't know See if you can find it Six best prisons for rent in Los Angeles. Yeah, what that movie was in 21 jump street I would fucking love it if it was that's a fucking good eye if you caught that shit Not the sequels. It's the originals I'm talking about. Yeah, Johnny Depp and shit. Yeah, any one of the comments fucking let me know if you can't find it I mean, I may be way wrong, but Yeah, what was it filmed it? Yeah, it wasn't as bad as that. Yeah, but it was close enough where you just see everybody sees you coming in and all of a sudden They're like oh new guy wow got like 20 people just standing around you also. I'd be like would you join in with that when other people came in? Hell no, I never did no shit like that. I was I was too like spitting someone's face. They didn't even know them yet All James was shot in location illinois Okay Rainford juvenile clericional facility. No, it can't be that. There's no way those guys. There's no way to get one so that bro that the film was the the Illinois You center they used should go to show more interior jail scenes in the prison voxings were filmed on a large two-story Second struck inside the formal naval armory in Chicago. Yeah Don't prison with a character. Great. This was not the jail like thing. There was one time I think this is probably because I was my senior year in high school. I got locked up. Yeah, like half my senior year in county jail and One of the fucking I was on the phone. You want to prom in jail? Yeah You know how black people do prom send off taking you to prom the prom send up was lit But uh, I was on the phone. It's like 20 minutes before the count And um, we used to use what's the count? Uh, you got to go on yourself. Yeah, you're working an hour half hours Yeah, they make sure yeah, they make sure everybody's there a lot of protocol that they don't have to you have to lock in Twice a day for that. I got I got a good lock in story. I'll tell after this and uh We used to use like you know those uh International calling cards There was a way to hack the phone systems to use those so instead of collect calling people you like You know when it says say your name you just you fill it with sound It's it's a weird thing. You just fill it with sound and then hit like pound three times and it Hacks the system weird way and then it lets you put in the card. Yeah, so it you put in the number Does it you do pop pop pop pop and then it clicks over does some shit And then what people do they get like a 300-minute calling card and then just people just use it. Yeah So it's like oh you use my card. I use my card if you got a card because you like every time you disconnect it reconnect It drains it so people realize oh just let it run everybody uses it. Yeah, so I had I had like a half hour like slot left and I was on the phone the kid asked me say hey You think I can make like a five-minute call I was like I'll see because I still got to call my mother after I'll see what I could do So I didn't promise him anything But then like it's like almost like 10 minutes left to the county comes again Yo, so I'm like y'all I don't think I could do it and he started getting like upset And then while I was on the phone talking he hung up the phone Like right because the the guard was like yo guys get right as soon as you say get ready for the count I guess you realize he wasn't using the phone he hung up on And also the guards right there. So I was like well, I can't do nothing now So we kind of like just argued or whatever And then like the next day we just kind of like kept our distance And I was in the back of the dorm playing cards with somebody But the night before I knew something was coming so I took the plastic spoon And if you bend the top off like back and forth and cut it off It makes kind of like this t-shape that sharp on both sides And I I broke it off and uh, oh no, no, sorry the toothbrush They give you a state - I wasn't this point. It was a toothbrush That's my other one. I mixed I mixed up the spoon and no, this one was the spoon This one was the toothbrush my bad my bad. I was mixing up. Were you I was mixing it up with a story I was gonna sharpen in a toothbrush on the floor. No, so I had a rust spot on my bed Like right under my mattress and I took the state toothbrush on the the dull and just started sharpening it What do you give it when you get the rust in there? What do you get? Tennis gets my fucking tetanus. I sharpen the shit out of it the night before and I just kept it in my sleep Because I'm like if he's gonna do something it's gonna. It's gonna happen You know what I mean because after everything I said yeah, so I'm in the back playing cards And he comes and kind of stands kind of clothes in the God playing cards with as soon as he's just like Yeah, come on take that shit away from myself and I start reaching in for the toothbrush and he fucking just clocks me Boom knocks me on the floor And I already have it in my hand, so I just jump up like this is the first time I got knocked down But I didn't get knocked out, you know what I mean like he knocked me down And I just jumped up from the adrenaline and I just started like locked up with him and I started hitting him in the ribs with him You just hear him scream. He's like ah, ah he's poking me. He's poking me. They always do that. It's not breaking skin But it's hurt. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's just like a sharp metal plastic hitting him. Yeah, and They break up the fight because the guard comes and I'm just sitting in the back my adrenaline's going and He's on the other side and I see him. He keeps looking at his hand. He keeps like grabbing his hand and At one point somebody can he's like, you know, he fucking broke his hand when he hit you broke these two bones They were like he broke the bone like they were like sticking up on you properly. Yeah, he hit me with this Yeah, you go and as soon as I heard that I'm like round two All right, let's go so And you could tell in his head he was not ready to fight so he kept his eye But I just kept what I just walked this b-line as soon as I saw the guard leave I just b-line towards him and went for the second round and they broke it up quick But I got I got a even though I stabbed him the first one. I feel like I did better the second time I was just like he had he had no hand Solid story we're gonna tell so We got put on a lockdown one time And this is like a lockdown where like you only left your cell to get your Food and then you went right back to yourself no showers no phone No, nothing no like nobody was allowed to do anything and the reason why they put us on this lockdown was because They the the cops is the correctional if there's heard rumors that they're somebody had a firearm So may snuck a pistol into the prison like that is That's what they thought so we're we're on lockdown for days for days I'm gonna be a world. No, no dude. We're gonna get hit too easily. Yeah, we're going fucking But we're going bonkers, so that and then they're saying oh, it wasn't a gun They found a bullet they found around the live ammunition whatever all this horses But what it what it really was was there was this crazy Italian kid who fucking he cut Cardboard up into the shape of a gun And he fucking like glued it all together, and he was going up to the cameras and like flashing this cardboard gun I've seen people make roses at a toilet paper, so so they're flipping everybody's cells fucking every day I mean, bro, we're going crazy. It's like day four day five and we're everyone's finally just like Fucking let's we're fucking taking our cell doors, you know what I mean? And then Lieutenant comes to release like all right guys. He's like our guys. We figured it out. We figured everything out You know, we're gonna we're gonna let you out for an hour before before lights out You're gonna be able to come out for a little bit and everything will be back to normal tomorrow So the CEO that was on We used to like fuck with them right and somebody must have been fuck with him So that it it's about time an hour before lights out and we're like all right fucking cells should be popping They press the button all the doors it goes click click click click click click click everything opens like in the circle and He's not popping popping this out. So someone's like Hey, you see yo You'll see yo fucking he was with the fuck let us out and he goes He goes uh, he goes shut the fuck up You see yo, you see I'll shut the fuck up and everybody got quiet and he goes I got permission from the lieutenant To keep you locked in for the rest of the night. I got permission And everybody's just like And somebody just goes Yo, CEO And he goes what and he goes you have permission To suck my dick Bro, you want to talk about a pop bro that place was fucking rock and It was all that tension built up and then we all just let it out with a fucking laugh And we'd we'd stayed in for the rest of the night, but we were back out the next day. That's so funny. It was fucking hilarious Was there good humor in prison in jail? Bro, that was people I said that was probably one of the best live jokes I've ever heard I mean comedic timing setup You had to create the moment that you worked you can't recreate that this is dude I can't remember his real name, but we called them pops and he had one tooth And he was like one of those black dudes that was like he had a deep voice, but he would make it like High pitch sometimes when you get like into it like yo, man, we broke new door my Like Danny Brown Yeah, he's up like Danny Brown you talk like Danny Brown rap and he had a teeth like Danny Brown Some of the most fun, but he'd have the guards dying like yeah, it was just funny He was just on all you me talented people while you're incarcerated like like I've seen coffee machines made from like a sock But they're good singers. They're like bro. There's one kid. They used to make him sing all the time I felt so bad for him He'd be like yo sing this and he'd be like, I don't know and they would like make him Learn it. Yeah, the poor second angel bro. You know I was just if I haven't singing I believe I could fly bar We were locked down and everybody was singing really and I'm hitting it with it and they're like Geo is that you And they made me sing Yeah, I got them pipes me. Yeah, they made him so I kick Chris. I felt bad for him They were making to teach him like two new songs of that For best they made our Kelly sing they made him yeah, yeah, I think it made him sing as somebody's daughter like for a birthday or something I know there's a bunch of inmates is like because I'm like if I'm locked up with our Kelly You know, I don't give this to me. Yeah, do it. Fucking do it. Yeah, sing for me Sing for my baby mom. He's probably yeah, what a feeling when you get Yeah, did you guys ever think about killing yourself all the time? Oh a lot dude. I got on suicide watch once because uh when I got my gun charge They're like oh, what'd you get this? I was like I was gonna kill myself So I got put in the fucking dress suit for like three days and it was the fucking worst thing ever It was the word because like it's just like a teflon dress you get no underwear no socks No, they'll give you a blanket you're just cold And then they have the air conditioner on blast because the fucking guard sits right there and watches four people And there's no TV now. It's just it's just like you're in the box with no underwear Yeah, what's the box like box is horrible, but people go crazy. I went. I lost my mind. I know I know I know we should be in there for months. I know guy that did 23 and one is at 23 hours on you an hour out. It's even worse and like max prison is full I know a guy that did eight years and in the box like they this is prison box. Yeah, this is prison box So so he didn't even get to like go do wreck with other people when it was time for him to get his wreck another Door would pop open in the back of the cell to outside and they're you just got a fence in area out there by yourself By yourself, and you could just run a little bit. Yeah walk around in circles and dudes didn't come out crazy Some you can't even go use the phone. They have a fucking phone On with a roll of telephone wire and they roll it to yourself the CEO dials the number for you that passed you though I would have rather that because the first time I went to yard and address. I saw somebody Because it's through yards. I saw somebody I knew in the other one I got in the dress for you to say I'm cold. What would you get in there for? Like you would just have level of punishment. Yeah, like if you are doing like a serious bid and you just are Fucking people up and stabbing people like yeah, there's a cigarette. You're gonna do your time in the box now Like you're going to the box trouble to deal with. Yeah, you're gonna trouble deal with you need to be separated from everybody It's like the super max jails. It's like yeah, it's segregated segregated housing unit. You ever see that was it a cartoon network show super jail? No, it was like on a planet the whole planet was a jail and it was like the worst criminals in the universe No, she's pretty good out, but I have no relation to it like you guys We wanted to make an animated show called jailbirds. It was like the crows were like black called us the jailbirds one time Yeah, I was just like what have we made a show with actual birds in jail? Yeah Crows from dumbo. Yeah, the crows just a little bit. Yeah, pigeons crows owls you have warden Yeah, the crows are the black peep. Pitches would not be bad because also they're like the undesirables of the society Those are the Italians the good fed the good feathers This is a fucking winner show. It's all too bad. There's not a single network anymore The cartoon network sucks now. Did you guys ever get stabbed? I got stabbed like that is I was looking to make the connection. I thought you'd like laid-run on something. Sleep hard, sleep hard, Ari. - Yeah, just try to stop. - Really. - Yeah, trying to like grab my jacket, stop it. Like he, 'cause he was pulling onto my jacket and somebody had told me like, in jail. They're like, yo, somebody is cutting you, throw your jacket over your face. And then I, in that moment, I just happen to remember that. And he cut through the jacket and hit my neck. - Whoa. - Yeah. - What about you? - I just got stuck right here right at the top of the ass. Playing basketball, everybody ran away. And I remember, you saw who did it. - You don't know who did it? - You suspect? - There was this gay dude, I stabbed him. So I think it might've been one of his. - That's gotta be a motive. (laughing) - Yeah, and that's what he's got a motive. - Over a bag of, it was over a bag of Doritos. - Oh, shit. - Yeah, I got the fit. - Oh, flavor, better have been the red. No way rancher doing that. - It was red. Yeah, nacho cheese. - Red or purple? - It works. - Red or purple? - Purple, oh, that's new. - It's spicy. - What's that, the chili? - Sweet, sweet, spicy, sweet. - That's the best one. - If you haven't had the purple one, try this one. - Nah, red. - Red is where it's at. - Here's the deal, you might like ranch better, but if you're at a party and you got a poor one into a big thing, you know, for everybody, the odds of somebody not liking ranch or high. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The odds of everyone's gonna like a red. - Yeah, yeah, everyone's gonna like the nitrogen, yeah. - What's the ranch kind of smell weird? - They smell, they make your breast smell. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I got pistol whip too. - I think I got, it was a random thing. He thought he, my cousin was like a big drug dealer in this apartment complex. - I'm sorry. - And he had got a beamer. - Yeah. - And I told him not to. - A beamer for the black listeners, that's a, yeah. - It's a BMW, I'm sorry, a BMW, you gotta BMW. And I told him, I'm like, you live in a black neighborhood. Everybody in there is gonna think you're a millionaire now, and you're gonna be a target. And probably like two weeks after that, we supposed to go hang out with some girls and he'd drop me off in my car in front of his house. And he was like, no, he told me, no, he's like, yo, let's just go to the girls. I'm like, I don't want to leave my car there and pick it up later. So I'm like, take me there now. And when he dropped me off, I realized I forgot the key in his car. So now I'm waiting at my car for him to come back. And while I was there, this kid just walks up. And it looked like, he had to be like 16. I think I was like 22 at the time. Young kid like from the baby, but you know, told black kid, he's like walking by, he has his hand in his pocket, he's like a nap sack on. So I'm just thinking, probably going home, come home from basketball. And I'm kind of looking at him from the corner of my eye and all of a sudden, I see him just pull out this fucking big cannon like. And when I heard the cock, my first thought was like, I have so much problems around here. Is this something coming back? I don't look like I'm gonna, like I heard, and my, and he cocked the gun. So as soon as he cocked the gun, he grabbed my shoulder and I hold on to him. And I don't know how, but I end up grabbing his arm. And now we're like kind of fighting, like I'm holding his arm away. And we're like struggling back and forth. And he did like this kind of like push and pull thing. And then in the moment he did that, he lifted up the gun. And it popped me in my mouth, split my lip open. That's why I have like this lump here. And it knocked this little tooth out. Oh, oh. Yeah. Is that again? Damn, I should've brought mine too. (laughing) That happened in '09. Okay. Face him and do it one more time. Yeah, he's seen it. I've seen it. I have like, it's crazy. It felt like it pulled the cana. I was underwater and it fell out. We had to find it. We had to go down and we had to find it. Yeah, too. I was like, this cost me $500. Who found it? I think I found it. Oh, somebody's foot felt it. Yeah. It's right here. I was in Great Barrier Reef and somebody's wedding ring came off. My dive partner was running when he came off and it comes up. His wife wasn't diving that day. We're not like a liver board. And he was like this. She goes, what? And she goes, no, what? Because he just slipped off with the water. I don't know. Yeah. And they go, the whole staff, they're all like dive instructors. But they all have to be cooks and do everything. Yeah. They go treasure hunt. Let's go. And they all went in and just like, we get to search for as long as we can. And then they found it. That's crazy. Currents also in stuff. So they're like, let's go. What a game to play. They go, it's right around here. The lady drops, she goes, when she, where was diving with like dropped her weight, goes somewhere around this weight. But still with coral. Yeah, that's sick. They were so stoked to find it. We couldn't believe it. That must've been because even with mine, it took me almost like, like two, three minutes to find it. And it was right then. There's no current. No, you know what I mean? There's no sand or any. And you were drunk as fuck. I was fucked up. I was fucked up. I'm baking in the sun all day. Yeah, I got burnt that day. I got two questions for you. What was wherever visits like? They were the best part that's what you waited for. That's what you, you know, you counted. Be like, oh, I got 39 more visits left. And sometimes it'd be hard because like, one, he was like, when with the daughter thing, my daughter came. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, she was just like, you know, she was kind of used to it. She's been going for a little bit. But she's only like three years old. And then one time she hits, "Mommy, is daddy going to come home with us this time?" And then she starts, my baby mom starts crying, like from saying that shit. And it almost starts getting me. And I got mad at her. Yeah. Who's her at the mom? I got mad at the mom. From bringing her to the fuck up. But that's me trying to like, not cry. Yeah, and I could, I could gauge my visits from how they were in the beginning to how they were once I've, you know, started getting incarcerated regularly. Like the first time my father came to visit me, I started to well up. And he's like, do not cry in front of these people. Don't cry, hold it in. He been in prison? Mm. My father has had some runnings with the law. Okay. Yeah. So he's like, don't, he's like, do not cry for these people. You cannot cry for these people. Stop. So, and then like one of the last times he came to visit me, he's just like, you know, I was like, hey, what's up pop? And he's just like, oh, all right, here. You're good now, man. And he's like, this is another conversation we have to have. But, and that was the stuff you wanted to, like what were there? Like tell me about what life is like out there. Or were you just like, how you do it? We know some sports. We should have forget. I don't even know what to talk about. 'Cause I want to know what I got to talk about. Was it through that, was it this thing? You know, were you going through the glass? No, you get to sit somewhere. It was a table with the glass. So I was in a bunch of different places. So some had the phone, some there was just the, they were right across from you. Some had the glass. And they would tell you that, come on, that's enough. Yeah, put up. One hour. One hour. Yeah. So let's go. And you got to see your last thing. Yeah. So it's such a cold thing. Yeah. I remember, like, when my father came to see me the first time. And he was sitting there. I was like, how's the feel being on this side of the glass? [LAUGHTER] That's what he had been doing. That's the feel, yeah. He did, like, little, you know, booking stuff. And he did, like, nine months in the feds. Because he worked at a chop shop. But he didn't know. Yeah. We got all of that. Probably snitched, I don't know. Did you ever visit him while he was in Crossover? All the time. I was the one that never missed, never missed a visit. I love that shit. They put a little invisible ink for the visitors. And you put it on their purple light. Yeah. So you were a kid, like, who? And my aunt always-- That's always a kid, yeah. And then my aunt, or whoever took me, whoever went, they'll buy me something on the way back. Because they felt bad for me. They're like, oh, it was taking the KB toys. Yeah. That's nice. So I was like, did you get all of that? Did you ever get conjurgers? No, you got to be doing, like, that's maximum. And you got to be doing, like, what is, like, 20 years-- A long time. You got to be-- yeah, it's only max jails. You have to be married. You got to be married. You can't just be someone you can't. You can't have no tickets. You can't. You got to be, like, trouble. You have to be good, yeah. No, there's still a lot of bullshit to be quick. Every six months, she comes for a weekend. You live in a little trailer. You get a trailer, you stay up for a weekend. Yeah, she brings food. Cooked for you. Oh, wow. That's putting her butt as much as you want. I'm like, oh, this is a woman's butt. I know. Did they still do conjicals in New York, though? Yeah, they do. That's why I always thought they'd cut them out. That's why you see, like, so many black dudes get married with, like, the ugliest fat white women while they're in county jail. Yeah, they have conjicals, yeah. So so many times, like, a dude just comes back from, like, they go to the chapel. He's like, yeah, I just got married. And they show you the pictures, I'm like-- Some will. You're going to do good up there, brother. I'm going to take care of you. Oh, my god. One of my earliest memories. You should all of them when they get home. I just remember-- I just remember my first time in-- this isn't an adult now. Now I'm an adult. I'm graduated from juvenile, like, I'm in with the men. And juvenile was hell. But I just remember hearing a guy on the phone and brother shit sent chills at my smiling. I just remember, he's yelling. He's going, nah, nah, nah, fuck that. Nah, I ain't never coming home. And I was just like, holy shit. Like, I need to take a look at who that was and make sure I stay the fuck away from them, brother. Yeah, that's what it was, right? Yeah, yeah. I ain't never coming home. When I got sentenced to two years, so there's like a little cell outside the courtroom. And I was with two other dudes. And they're in there. They're like, yeah, man, they offer in '35. But if they give me the 20, I'll take it. Yeah, I'll take that right now. And then the other guy's like, yeah, man, they're trying to give me 15. But I'll take 10. And I'm just like, I'm not going to jump into this conversation. Rose, what time? Years, 20 years, and say, I'll take it. Yeah. Two decades. Bro, I had to go to court for child support once they transformed me for child support, right? But I'm with guys who are being sentenced to 25 years, 15 years. I'm going to forget this one whose name's Miniac, bro. That's what they call a Miniac. It's at two on his face that said Miniac. And for some reason, I didn't have-- I had peanut butter and jelly. I didn't have ham and cheese. - 'Cause you're a Jewish? - Kosher. - Nice. - Yep. And so they're all going, yo, why is your sandwich different than ours, right? And I'm like. - My house is different. - Yeah. - Well, I got some questions for you. - And then next time, I got some legal advice. - Next to my name on the list, it said CS. - Which did for you? - Child support. - Oh, good. - And then I do like, yo, why you got different letters next to your name? - You went to jail for not paying child support? - Yeah! - That's a big thing. - I never went to jail for it, but they had to produce me to the court. So I was already in for something else. - We didn't know that you could go to jail for not paying child support? - I didn't know if he did. - Oh, no, no, no. - No, no, no. - I've never, I ended up never having, that was never why I charged. - Yeah, there's another comic I don't want to say, 'cause it's his business, but just bleep us, but (beep) (laughing) - But he'd be like, you get out and now it compounds. - Yeah. - And it could be, before you went in, now you're awake, now you have more and you can't-- - Now you're backed up, yeah. - You haven't worked, and you don't get good time. - So that was a big thing. - And that was a big thing, dude, it's six months, you do the six months. - Basically what I was trying to do was freeze it. - Yeah. - That's what I was trying to do as well as fighting for. And I remember the, it's not even a judge that presides, it's like a magistrate or something. - Cool. - She was like, she was like, Mr. Drescher, who's fault is it that you're incarcerated? And I was like, it's mine. And she was like, okay, child support continues. So I owed like 40K when I got out. I paid it all off though. - You gotta kill that kid. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not supposed to look back, you can't look back at the people. So my whole family is, the bailiffs tell you don't look back, like stare at the front. Because you know, your family's back there. - I wonder why you were like, of course you would look back there. Because I want to see how your mom's reacting. - So they don't want you, they're like, don't look back until you leave, then you could say bye. But I was going to listen to them, but I walk out, and as soon as I walk out, my daughter starts calling me. And I look back and I'm like, baby, I'm like, baby, and then I turn back and she just keeps calling me daddy, daddy. And the guys like, just, just face forward, just face forward. And the whole time, just like this. And also, what made it worse was, after I played, this is when I threw a snowball out of Bouncer, and they gave me a saltwood, a deadly weapon. - What? - A felony charge. Violent felony. - It's people in Utah are not going to understand this. There's snow in New York, it's very icy. - Yeah, that's what they said in one of the statements. - It's very hard. - But it, no, because it broke a mirror in the glass cuddle. But they didn't show that in the video. They only showed the surveillance of me throwing it. And right after I signed all the fucking sentence in, guilty all that shit, the judge calls my lawyer, his secretary, and the prosecutor over to him. And he's telling them something why he's looking at me the whole time. He's like, then the secretary comes over with my lawyer and the DA, and they're standing there. And he's like, he just wants you to know, he just realized from filling out the order of protection that he knows the victim, but it's not affecting your case. And I was just, that's when it hit me, I'm like, that's why they didn't want to give me the year. That's why. - So they gave you what? - They gave me two years. - And he told me, he told me-- - But it's not affecting your case like, no fucking way. - He told me that off the record. - No fucking way, no, then no, what do you mean it's not affecting my case? - Yes it is. - It affected, that's conflict ventures. - You probably couldn't just walk again. - I could have beat that. - Or it kind of got-- - You probably could have hated me as corpus, that's shit. - What I thought what I should have done was do the end of dead presidency and start and just had an outburst. - Fuck your mean! - No, I want this on the record. What do you mean you know? - Fuck your mean. - Because all that, they were like, there's all, they came and told me a private-- - I'm like a second type it. - So it wasn't tied up. - And me, I'm just like, I'll be home in five months or eight months, whatever. So I was just like, whatever, but I go out and now I'm just like, all emotional. Like my eyes are watering and shit from all of this. And then I come back in and they're like, you're not crying, right? I was like, no, no, no, no, I'm good, I'm good. - I thought you were going to be like, be like from the end of the presidency, and he's like, "I thought all the motherfucking shit I did for this country." - That's what I was saying. - And he throws a chair, "I'm dead." Two years for fucking snow. - How long did they give him at the end of their president's life, right? - Life, it's what I like for. - Yeah, he killed cops. - Yeah, that's a big one, that's a big one. - Yeah, yeah. - You think, I used to think treesin was the biggest one, and then all those guys fucking. - Oh, yeah. - They're all out. - Yeah, they're all out. - You heard about pras from the Fuji's. - No. - It was like getting money from the CCP and she was like a Chinese spy. - No way. - Yeah, he got arrested. - One of the other guys was just like 25. - Remember John Forte from the Fuji's? - He was, he was there, he had like the dreadlocks. - 20 million dollars worth of liquid cocaine they found on him at an airport, 20 million dollars worth, he's out. They were able to get him out, they were able to, yeah, I think he ended up doing like 10 or 12. - That's crazy. - So some might ask people, well, some that comes up in regular travel is, especially if you're going long term, is coming home and it's a different thing. - It's actually the reason I started this podcast is my friend, Ralph Potts, a travel writer, he's like talks about, he has this book called Bag of Bonding about like going long term traveling and the first 10% is like getting ready in the middle, 75%, 80% is going and the last 10% is coming home. One of the things he says coming home, it's like you're going to be like, it's hard to get used to everything again. - That's what it is for me now. A lot in America, I'm looking, I'm just starting to stop it now, but like looking at New York and America like an observer. And I'm like getting used to it, wiping your ass with the sauce's toilet paper like, right, for getting, yeah, for getting what you took for granted before, brushing my teeth with my - Slushing toilets, yeah. - Yeah, it caught me like laughing. It's like, what are you talking about? - Using teardrops? - Toothwater. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, sink water for, anyway, the coming home is a real part of it and this has to be different. So like, what's the coming home like? Now those things. - That's great, because you've got new sneakers. You always get new sneakers. - Get some new pussy. - Yeah. - You find somebody to kick the fuck? - Your boys take care of it after you usually have them. - You haven't gotten laid in too long. Let's get you up. - Yeah, let's get you up. I know a fucking flusy. - Yeah. - Oh, there's some fat white grub in right into the whole time. - Yeah. - And I'm-- - Or calling. - And you never bring anything from the jail with you ever. - I did that mistake, yeah. - What do you mean, what do you mean? - You never, like, any clothing they give you, it doesn't matter for socks, fucking underwear, t-shirt, you leave all that shit there. - You wear nothing. - You put on the stuff you walked in with? - Yes. - Or if you had your people send you new stuff that they put in your property, you know what I mean? - I have folders still from jail with, like, artwork, letters, still in my closet. - Hard work. - Yeah, it's because people would draw, like, so I go to send a girl, like, a letter, and I have them draw, like, a tweety with a heart on the envelope and then fucking lace it up with, like, color pencils and shit. - No. So, coming home, though, is this-- - Would you bring, like, letters from your kids? - You take those back with you or no? - Well, my daughter didn't know how to write. - Oh, yeah, no, my daughter didn't know how to write either at that time. But yeah, no, I didn't take any letters that were sent to me, stayed there. - My daughter doesn't remember-- - Why, no memories? You don't have any memories? - Yes, you're-- - We got enough. But I do, like, going back and that folder sometimes and looking, because, like, one of my boys that I used to write, he's locked up, too, at the time. He's doing, uh, 75 years, because he killed two people, chopped up their bodies, and buried them, uh, in my neighborhood. - Bury him is actually the best part. - You know, he got caught from his lead after you killed somebody. - He just buried them. - He and Bury him deep enough. - Didn't they fucking pop back up through the ground? - Yeah, so he buried-- You know what a sump is? So it's kind of just in, like, most, like, suburban areas. It's just kind of, like, like, a big hole in the ground. - Okay. - Where, kind of, all the water goes, and all the drain storm shit, and he went in there, and buried the limbs, but couldn't get the torsos. He couldn't get the torsos over the fence, so he buried the two torsos in his mom's backyard, in his dog's grave yard. - Yeah. - Yeah, he buried your mind, doing it with someone you know. - Yep. - And she was deaf, too. - You're about to go go. - There's so many bodies already there. - Yeah. We lived on Old Island. There was so many places you could have went and buried it. He went to fucking Brookhaven to bury the two torsos. - Wow. - And then the smell from the sump, like, it goes out to the storm drain, so everybody in the neighborhood was smelling something weird, and the two guys, so he kidnapped two dudes, and one guy escaped, and that guy, kind of, was just like, "Yo, if you're looking for these guys, this is the last person." - We saw them. - And so he was already arrested, and they went to his mom's house, found the bodies, and then that was it. So he got, like, 75 years, his girlfriend, who hid the guns, that he shot him with, she got 10 years, and then the dude that drove him from Queens to Long Island with the bodies in the tub, and the rubber-made tub, he got 20 years. - Wow. - Yeah. - Do you talk to your friend, or helping you, and that's what you get? - Mm-hmm. - You used to have the best coke in Long Island. - Shout out to Darren Lynch. - Okay. - Yo, do your time, my brother, you'll be home soon. - Hold your head. - Do your time, you'll let your time do you. - I heard you got cut off, too. - I heard you got sliced up. My boy told me he got fucking sliced up for a death. - I say, "Hey, hearing about shit that's happening, like, in the town, while you're like, "I'm gonna run out to somebody who's like, "Yo, your brother got knocked out." I was like, "What? Like, in just the fact, no one I couldn't be there until, like, fucking help my brother, yeah, yeah." They happened with a friend of mine. He got jumped in front of his house. And this was like, he had like a young mom. She was like 30. He was like 15. So this is like, we could just hang out there smoke. She smoked with us. And they went to his house and jumped them in front of her and like the family and shit. So I remember hearing about this in jail. And I was just like, yo, when I come home-- I'm coming right back in. So I'm going to avenge you. It's crazy, because I ended up-- that the kid I fought for, I ended up stabbing him like five years later, because he's trying to hit me with a bat. That's hilarious. And my hand still fucked up for what you hit me with the bat. And what basically comes down to is these people who become incarcerated and end up going through the system, it takes a lot to turn that your brain chemistry around from that once you get caught in that room. So Ali would say that he, and who knows. But he said he went in there as a nonviolent offender. And then in there, they trained him to be a violent offender. Yeah, same. Yeah. Yeah, I became much more callous and cold to things. And now I also don't put anything past anybody, like any human being, I think you're capable of horrible things. Yeah. So it's become like a big thing in the relationships of my life, where I'm like, oh, you never know. You could be doing this. And people are like, why the fuck would you think that? I'm like-- Sorry, but when sometimes you work at the commerce store, you see the people on dates go fuck a comic in the back. They don't even know. They just solve them, and they sit back with their boyfriend. I'm just like, I've seen what they're capable of. Yeah. It's beyond what you would expect. Yes. Or the whole thing where they just obsessive to and all of a sudden, you're just like, now you're obsessed with another man. Where was that? Oh, yeah. Are you that fickle? Was there like a last meal and first meal? Before you went in, did you ever have like, you're going in tomorrow, but today you're free? No, it would be drugs, the last meal before going in. So a couple of times I got a furlough. I remember me and my pops. My pops was a man. Now that I'm thinking about it, we made it. We made eggs and steak for breakfast. And then I had like 13 Roxasets. And he went and dropped me off. 13 Roxasets, yeah, I ate 'em all. I ate 'em all, I fucking-- It's like a perched set. Perched set. Perched set would no, uh, tunnel tunnels. Yeah. And same is getting out, too. You'd be like, let me find some drugs. It wasn't like, what's mom make a pasta for tonight? It wasn't anything like that. You didn't know like mom make lasagna. I love you, lasagna. That's the one. I had my mind is going to sound horrible, but like my mother used to make rice and tuna, which is just white rice. And she would make a tuna woman. Could I eat that in jail? Yeah, no, but that's the way she made it. That's the way my mom made it, bro. Well, they don't got a double in it. So it was the way my mom made it, so it was either that, or she would do her chicken and rice. The last time, because like working with Pat and shit, we got to eat whatever the fuck we wanted. And before I worked with him, I was-- Shut up, I'm a little good. I was working with this other, the oldest guy there, who would kind of like cook for the chefs during the day. And he would make some crazy shit that I've never, like, croquettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had a croquette in the head. Croquettes are banging. I've learned how to make croquettes. And then we had some leftover. And a million gonna will always be like, oh, so what do we got left over from the morning? I was like, we got some croquettes. He's like, croquette, fat cat. And he just kept yelling that the entire day. And the kitchen's like, croquette, fat cat. He was like, I don't know if I've ever told you this. He was like, wow, shut some up. A black dude, he was giving me the rundown of the kitchen my first day there. And he's introducing me to all the, like, the civilian cooks to be like, oh, watch out for this one. Be careful with this one. So he's like, yo, that's Glenn. He's cool as fuck as long as you work. That's Jeff. He don't give a fuck as you work as long as you don't get in trouble. And he goes like, that's Pat. He's cool. But he'd be yelling now, penis all the time. And I'll play with that gay ass. Yeah, he doesn't be. And then the first time he walked in, he just, he's just dead. It's just him and his other black civilian cook. And then he just walked in. PENAS! PENAS! [LAUGHS] That's so funny. That's so funny. He is such a-- such a dumb fuck. It's great. And then fucking working with him was the best. Black Rob was locked up. And-- Oh, dude, that was-- He said, everyone used to go, whoa. Yeah, that was his big song, whoa. My boy that was locked up in the feds that called me. And I'm in the fucking-- you know, a landing city comedy club, the Tropicana, whatever. So I'm in the garage when he called me. And we're like, talking. And he's like telling me all the people he bumped into in there. He's like, yo, I fucking bumped into Takaashi when I was in my hang-in. I met one of the-- what's the other guy? Not the Maduro. What's the guy? The Salvadorian guy? The El Chap? Not El Chapo. The dictator that was locked up. Not a Salvadorian. It might have been Guatemala or some shit. He met, like, so-- he was telling me all these people. He was like, yo, I met this rap, I met this person. And that was like the first time I was ever on the phone with somebody that's in jail and was jealous of them. I'm like, yo, how the fuck is your life better than mine right now? I'm like, nobody wants to talk to me. You got all these fucking popular famous friends? There's a comedian who's like in some Nebraska prison for like serial rape or something. Oh, yeah, no, there's a guy-- John Reep? No. That was black guy. Vincent-- He would go and do college gigs and-- I'm right there because documentary about that shit or something. I think so. And then it couldn't figure it out because it was like, well, it's only one here in Omaha. And then another one happened in Illinois, but that's-- we were-- how do we relate those? Yeah. And they someone finally, like, said it was like, it was a local comedian who was visiting and they go, oh, they found his whole tour knackers schedule. Zach Amiko was telling me about that. Yeah. We just talked about that last week. Yeah, that's wild. So this is something I ask everybody at the end. You guys are going to be different on it. I usually ask people for travel advice. Like, what's your travel advice? Oh, no, we got advice. No, there's travel advice. You never know. Look at Diddy. Look at Art Kelly. You never know when you're going to go to jail. OK. So what's your advice, I guess, going in, I guess, would be your advice? Like, what's your advice? Or whatever. What's your travel advice? You say, if you're going in, make sure that you have a good relationship with your family right now. Like, keep it good. Don't get in any arguments with them because they're going to be the ones who are going to be taking care of you. Bring yourself. If you're single, stay. I'm going to find as many fat white women as you can possibly find. It's a numbers game. Also, stay off the phone. Stay off the phone with your girl. Just do not call your girl. Just leave it alone. Because one day you're just going to hand it back around. Hey, get back in bed. The pain box. Find out they moved on. She'd be like, baby, call me at 9. And then you call at 9. She doesn't answer. Yep. Or all of a sudden, she has to go. Bring drugs, you don't do drugs, you get the jealousy in jail. And when you get the jail, you don't get your common amenities like toothbrush. You don't get that right away. You got to wait for commissary. But if you got weed, you can buy that from people. Never take anything from anybody. Nothing's free in jail. Nothing is free. Nothing is free. If you have to fight, even if you can't fight, just fight. Fight. Fight lose doesn't. Yeah, it'll be better for you. Fight lose. Fight as you can. Just don't let them know that, hey, this isn't going to be easy for you. All right. Fight. Don't give them one of the uses. No, don't do that. Try to punch like this. Fight them. Fight dirty if you have them. You could fight dirty in jail. Get a weapon. Get a weapon. Break a spoon. Sharpen a toothbrush. What else can you use? You use a pencil like G.O. Pen. Pen. Oh, you don't get pencil. You use a pencil. It only works once. Find something to stiffen the pen up. Then you can use it as a writing utensil and a weapon. Yeah. You can find some kind of like, if you could even get the real casing of like a pen, like a real pen casing, if you can find one of those. I mean, I've seen crack smoked. So and I'm talking about a crack pipe copper rolled up crack out of a chapstick too. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I come from the weed world and it's like the back of one of the illegal days was like, you just don't have stuff to smoke on you when it's the apples, the market, two, two liters. This could be a bomb. You just press this down, poke a hole and see the people with like, damn, you're so creative. Yeah. All this the weed. He took aluminum foil from a from a gum, burnt the paper off, made a bowl, stabbed the hole into the chapstick, put the little like aluminum coin made of cone, now the aluminum. Put it on that and then put the crack in the aluminum and then smoked it out of that. Yeah. And we had a lighter in my mouth. Smoking crack. I had a lip lighter. Smoking crack while you're incarcerated. You know, I'm waiting. I think every crack had smoked out of a chapstick because when you smoke crack, you always know that. You should have that smart idea. Yeah. But could you imagine smoking crack in prison? I mean, Jesus Christ, man. I saw people doing coke and bookings and I'm like, why would you want to do that? Yeah. Doesn't seem like a coke. It seems like a lot of edible. Where are you going? Like, I want to drink beer and water. Smoked cigarettes. Last question. Yeah. You know what I was saying? Suboxone. I remember we used to get warm water and we would melt it down and then you would just sniff it. Sniff it. You sniff the suboxone right up your nose. Damn. Also, if you know you're going in. So what's the travel advice here? Where, where as many pair of underwears that you can. Guys, you can. Put one on top of the other. It cannot suck. The maximum you five underwears, five t-shirts. Five t-shirts. Where all that wants. You want to suck? Why? Because you bring all your stuff you need. That's the way for a visit. So you need t-shirts, underwears. You got it all. You walk in it. Like the last time I went in, I had two sweatsuits on top of each other. A thermal under that. Four t-shirts. Five underwears. Five socks. All on. Disclaimer. Out of my ass. Disclaimer. Not all places are the same. All in the same. You might not be able to use any of that stuff. It depends on you. Worst case scenario, there's take it. You're out some underwear right now. Yeah, I know. The stuff that you bring in. bring in. It's stuff that you you know they can allow white underwear white sweats white or black sneakers green sweatsuits You get up to five magazines. You can stuff those up your ass Last question is like where do you guys want to go in the world? I I guess you're not allowed. No, I can really let's go. Yeah, I got my passport back But where's calling? Where would you like to go? So once they got my passport back? I already went to Mexico I went to Israel. I went to where was calling in that Where would you want to go? I want to go to an artist. I want to go to that shit so bad You try to find the other one Southern one. Yeah, they have tours there. That's the one that's like you can't film while you're out there and shit like that They don't allow filming and I want to know why I kind of want to go to the Canary Islands Like Mexican Spain. Yeah, I kind of want to go there. I heard it's nice It's gotta be the wet. It's gotta be great or turkey turkey would be cool. I just want them out there Give my shift fix. Yeah, yeah, if I went to turkey I would definitely do birch. We were talking and he goes if I went to a combo for some reason I come home and after like two years wake up my body has not been transported to turkey for new hair And had a full stamex toppling stomach stapling because I'm divorcing my wife He's like if I die I want my hair done We should all make a turkey trip to like I'm not going ball, but like But a lot of these guys are and yeah, I'll just go with you guys A ball comedian trip the third game just about you coming back with They'll do it here so there Hamilton, but tell you there's like 10 times doesn't eat the night though I doubt it he was going bold. I think with those guys that level of gay you're like I thought I lose I care I'm off my game. Yeah, he's ripped his cut his multi-lingual. He's like an artist - he pro the guy is amazing I mean a Italian decent Spanish. Yeah, he's good at video games. Artists singer. Yeah, he's gonna be in Chicago. Is he single? Gays are always and yet never single. I heard he's gonna do like a month in Chicago. Just a month on Broadway. Oh shit. Yeah, like legit I'm Broadway. That's fucking nuts. And they were like yeah, he does first rehearsal today. He starts or tomorrow today He's ultimately just today and Then it starts in like he like June 28th or something like that. I was like he could learn it all by then He goes he's gay knows it all by heart already the thing about the gays and jails. They have all the news They know everything's going on like hey, don't go over here at this time. Don't go over there at this time Like they have a letter - you're not supposed to talk. Yeah any gay people and then you don't want to make one angry either because then they'll just like Oh, yeah, that's why you sucked my dick and then everyone be like I don't know the telling you why Man, I've been in for six years with the book. All right boys. This is great. We're an episode Very different episode trip to jail. How many of you guys been to jail? Yeah, leave it in the comments Leave it in your own. Oh, yeah, let's do that. Leave in the comments. You're on best prison or jail stories Type one out On the gate if you haven't watched it. Yeah, yeah, I'll put in bumpers about your stuff But your podcast is on the gate on the gate. I was on an episode This might be out in like ten months We're kidding on that. I really sometimes I'm today with Mahim that was early 2004 So it's gonna be out when it's out. I'll tell you I'll ask you guys to make sure the podcast is still going Oh, that's so funny. I beg you I could be like fifty by the time it comes out You can be back at prison. That's pretty safe. I was gonna text my family chat. Yo, I did always podcast check it out But yeah on the gates are pod because yeah Derek Drescher geo Perez you guys are fucking great. It's great to have you guys work a group I don't know I put you guys together maybe before we probably had the podcast But just like a new work class of comics that I was like at the stand was like cool guys around appreciate that Yeah, I was like I had to around your own funny and like I was just like yeah, those people it's like because we all had our own crew we hung with Yeah, then as they start going off to a more rogue age like no one's here and then it was like no these guys are cool Yeah, I can hang in the green room with these guys. Yeah Thank you. I appreciate it. I have to say and like I watched a lot of the amazing races like Was that everybody watch out in prison? It was big and you were being in world star hip-hop. I found you from world star hip-hop Oh, you're like, I don't know. You just send them all that shit I thought I used to think Joey Diaz was big pussy for years even I think I found out that I was doing comedy for a year Because I was talking to another guy and they were like no, it's not the same guy because he had like a story about He's so coke to Whitney Houston and it was on world star Wow, and I was telling people I was like yo big pussy's really about that life You selling coke to Whitney Houston and then people's like no dude, I don't ever say that to him Did I was there when they met we went to I was wanting his premiere of his movie deal with like a De Niro movie He went move to New Orleans to get a local higher job Yeah, they'll give me two lines that I'm so charismatic They'll put me in way more lines and that's what you did it took a local higher job, and then they're like oh my god You're so fun like right this guy more lines and so we're in the premiere to Nero's asleep in front of us at the premiere But then big pussy's there and they met for the first time they both been told you look exactly like Joey Diaz You look and he's like get a picture and I'm like, okay, okay, okay, and then my phone was off from the movie Like 20 minutes to start up an iPhone and Joey's like get it and I'm like I'm trying. It's not going. I'm trying So the reason the picture big pussy and Joey Diaz doesn't exist is because you didn't charge your phone You know I turned it off because I was respectful for the movie. Oh, you turned. Oh, I thought it was But I did I think I got it Anyway, it's out fine and put it in here, but all right guys. Thank you. I appreciate you Yo, go to jail check it out. It's fun. Yeah Well, everybody that's the episode. I hope you enjoyed it Derek Drescher geopares follow them both on Instagram and definitely check out their podcasts on the gate Yeah, bet it stay stay stay go That's fun. That's a fun thing to watch Yeah for myself guys, please subscribe wherever you watch listen So how do you like for the for the non YouTube premium subscribers? How do you like having no ads? I'm doing that for you the deal is we're trying to for a month if it doesn't work I'm going back to the ads. So click in a buck five if you like it maybe five once a month Or one an episode. I don't know it's up to you But if I can equal what I was getting which isn't a crazy amount and then I'm good. We can do it that way. It's up to you I have never been to prison Never been to jail. I'm starting to understand the difference in the two Once federal actually I really don't know. It's not my world every time I have Allie Sedicrim is pat on and they talk about prison stories or gangster stories I'm always like man. We have a very we've led very different lives Slip and face down. Slip and face up. I don't know I wouldn't want to get But sex in the middle of night, but I also want something to blow me the mill and I but other two obviously one is better Thank you very much to why I made for producing this. Thank you very much for Jorge at Glass Digital for recording it I've wanted to get these guys in to do this kind of theme episode a lot I'm gonna try to get one with both pots in the coming weeks Maybe we're gonna do one all about trains, but he's been everywhere. So I don't know if we'll do a theme one or not We got a lot of great ones coming next week Pigg and charge Make America pigs again with Joe DeRosa Clip for that and also watch out for his his special is now hidden Netflix. I never promised you rose garden It's available actually tomorrow. So watch you on Netflix and then an episode with him will be on next week after that Who we got Tommy Pope about Cuba? That's a great episode. That's why you want to subscribe everybody Did I say in this episode? Okay, Alan if I did say in this episode cut this out. I got arrested one time University of Maryland I was I'm not very good academically very often but every once in a while. I am one time I skipped school in high school And I went to Union Station and I did my research paper I was so far behind it was due and I was like I'll just pretend I was sick and then I'll get everything done and I went they dropped me off I tied my shoes. We've got in the Metro went down downtown Did my whole recipe but also watch the locals talking to and then I got it all done I got caught I had a tutor that day and she called wire. Why weren't you there? Got in trouble for actually doing work for us So I'm a University of Maryland cut to like seven or eight years later I'm trying to get a research paper done It's Thanksgiving weekend So the library is going to close and I can't get this shit done. I got to go back to my parents house and There's all this periodicals. I have to zero ox and I don't have time and I couldn't go back So I was like I'll just take this and overturn it The UPC code on the side I I ripped it out So I was like that's what's gonna like set off the alarm So I get it put it in my bag Start going through the bed the door turns out locks and I'm like and they're like what's going on? I'm like I don't know why is it locked and I'm like I don't know like I check your bag and I was like sure By the way, I'm very calm under pressure. I've been yelling at TSA agents with weed in my bag about I've been yelling about rights, freedom, and shit like that. Knowing I have been arrestable about a weed or acid or mushrooms in my bag and I'm still fucking yelling. I stay sharp, I stay in the pocket, nervous is what's going to get you caught. Here this story does not work out. So they go what's going on okay check it out and they go what's this I'm like ah shit my bad I didn't fuck sorry I was like moving from death to death and they go well why is the UPC code ripped out and I go what they go is that what you think gets you through the turn style no this point I'm going I'm caught really nothing to do. So I go yeah they go no idiot it's in the binding they call the cops they put me in handcuffs at Universe Emerald I'm a Jewish kid this is so much more embarrassing than for Derek or Geo to have it happen to them Joey DS had this happen whole laugh about it. I'm fucking in in Cust my friends are walking by two friends walk by like what's going on I was like it's so embarrassing the only I the only at that level of embarrassment I can remember is when two my friends at Glastonbury festival came to see me two people in my camp came to see me at their comedy tent and I thought my dick off it's a comedy tent. I was like I told you guys not to come I'll play London I wouldn't see me there anyway so they rest and they eventually they go okay we're going to let you go but you're arrested you and arrest warrant arrest like record and you have a you have to show court now luckily I'm Jewish and I have access to Jewish lawyers so I got that expunched but they charged you with with theft over $500 because the periodical side of value of over $500 so it wasn't just stealing a book it was stealing something of value yeah but again Jews we got out of it the laws are made by the people who know how to work the laws that's really talking about racism or whatever that's what they mean the laws are made by us so of course we're going to have access to how to like finagle it you know but wealthy make the laws we know how to interpret it can you ever try to read like law books or something no way no fucking way anyway that's my as close they've ever gotten to get arrested and then one time in Thailand okay here's another good story and then we'll call it thank you Alan Kathy for editing today's episode although I think it was not Alan I think it might have been someone else Tyler who did today's episode okay I'm in Thailand come out of my hostel on a on a on a mo pet turn left and I go oh it's one way turn right around cop got me right there waiting for it waiting for it so he goes and this is like textbook he goes all right give me your license go up here in court and they can get it back or you can be 500 bot right now and we can make this go away and I go well you're shaking me down no way no way fuck off no I'll do in court they goes you sure I'm like yeah dude he goes just give me 500 bot we can do I'm like dude you're not shaking me down so I went to the courthouse waited probably three hours of my time in Chiang Mai by the way one recommendation yeah I'm not even going to tell you but ask me if you go visit Chiang Mai I got some tips for you go to Grand Canyon I would say that it's it's a little out of town or take a mo pet up the mountain go see the sun set up there there's so much to do in Chiang Mai by the way if you can't get laid in Chiang Mai something's wrong with you I got a beach um could have gotten laid if I got hard again but I didn't get hard again anyway so um I was gonna say I pay for three hostels I think because I was in another hostel then my friend went to a cheaper one and I was like okay me and my friend Derek different Derek were at one and then my friend we went to visit him and I was like oh this is a party also this is fun ours is quiet like fuck it let's go over there Derek was paying day by day I paid for three days and I was like fuck keep the money I'm checking out they'll never return your money to hostel ever so then I went and got a hostel room over there dorm room and then this check was like we're not fucking in the dorm room and I'm not gonna fucking the shower so I was like okay so there was a hotel next door there was no private available hotel next door got that so I took three rooms for that night I had three rooms for that night which cost me a total of 19 dollars anyway went down to the courthouse I'm um I'm in there and finally they're like okay we'll see you and they go it's a $400 fine so for for that much how much is a hundred bot to save one hundred bot on the shakedown it was a mistake on my part I obviously was mistake on my part how much is 100 bot USD 100 tie bot to USD $3 I saved $3 I could just give him the 15 right there it was gonna be 12 regardless guys your time is short your time is limited when you're traveling your time is not limited when you're in prison go check out Derek and Geo's podcast on the gate where they have prison stories all the time it's actually a really fun podcast to do um and yeah if you like this episode there's just it's tons more that shit so check them out that's it guys please subscribe and again let's try this experiment chuck a buck it's up to you I'll probably I'm gonna I don't assume it's gonna fail we'll go back to it but if it gets there then we're good let's like fuck the sponsors not the ones I read but the embedded ones