Triggered By Trauma w/ Triggernometry's Francis Foster & Konstantin Kisin | Your Mom's House Ep. 851

(dramatic music) - Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. (upbeat music) - There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. (laughing) - I own damn fry. (laughing) - That's so crazy. These are ex-president, that's crazy. - Now you know that guy ain't shit. (laughing) - Do you know I never believed you when you told me that? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I never believed you. - And it really is. - I think just now, I just, I just-- - There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. - It's like six years ago, I didn't believe that. - More, no? - More, yeah. - We played that in Silver Lake, right? - No, but from when I first played, he was like, yeah, sure, yeah. - Sorry I was motherfuckin' got nothing on me, right? Nothing. (laughing) - Wait my bitch, nigga. - Can we please play this for today? - No, Bama. - Will you open with those? Are we rolling? - We're rolling. - Good, keep that in. - All right, yeah. That is crazy though. - Then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. Do it, do it. - Yeah, I miss O'Bama talking. - There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. - Like you. - Like you. (laughing) - He can't even talk cool black. - I know. (laughing) - Why? - No, that's not it. - That is not it. - No, he, yeah, so for people don't know, he did an audio book before, 'cause he had written a book, he written, at this point he's written several, and at that point it was talking about where he grew up, and so it's the audio book from the book that he had written and people were like, there's no way that that's him and it's definitely him. - By your own damn fry. (laughing) - That's the president of O'Bama. - More and more. - Yeah, that's so great. - Why does he sound like a white guy pretending to be a black guy still? Like any say, now you know you ain't shit. - Oh, now you know you ain't shit. - See, that sounds real. - Yeah, does it? - Yeah. - Well, I mean I'm half white too, I feel like it doesn't really, but also any's not like a few years into being a senator, you know? (laughing) - He might just start speaking differently. - I wish O'Bama blacked it up now in hindsight. (laughing) - I feel like he codes, which is pretty hard. - He does, he does codes, which a lot. - Yeah. - He ain't bad. He does. You know, I mean his handshake thing is super viral. - Man, I see. - He's like, hello to white people and he's like, what's up, like key and peel did a whole sketch about it, but it's 100% true, you can see it all the time. Yeah. - Yeah. - I love it. - Yeah. - My life. - Yeah, it's, look at how he greets. This is, who's he greeting here? Yeah, this is like the. - Oh yeah, okay. - Oh yeah. (laughing) - Big time. - Oh, oh yeah. - And then this guy was like, how are you? - Got my bow. - How's it going? - Yeah, my bow. - That guy kind of wanted it. Hello. - Hello, oh yeah. - Hello. Did I see if you back out of this? Were they asking him about it in a scroll up look right there? - The key and peel, you know, the handshake, you know, I was thinking that's like an accurate representation. Here's what happened. I'm going down the road, right? A lot of those guys I knew, it's Steph, it's LeBron. I've been knowing those guys forever. Coach Fu, I've never met. And he put out his hand, and so I'm like, all right. Yeah, I don't know, is he going to be comfortable if I pull him into a, you know, bro hug? I don't know. So I just shook his hand. Kerr was right afterwards, and Steve I knew. - Yeah. - But the way it played out, I will say, it looked just like that key, that key can't feel stiff. - Did you know right away people were going to make the comp? - No, I had, you know, it wasn't conscious. - He also just said, I've been knowing Steph. - Yeah, yeah, I know, I heard it, I've been knowing Steph. - That's hilarious, dude. - I wish he would go full black. - Yeah, he, he, we can handle it. Can't America handle full black now? - Yeah, for sure. - I think I feel like they could. - I also feel like he's so, this is such a nice departure from what we're used to seeing. - Oh my God. - Like it just feels like, oh, that's nice. It feels like a nice, you're like, oh yeah, my uncle's awesome, like you haven't seen him in a while. It just feels comforting to hear him speak, you know? - Not like everything's amazing. I'm so grateful. - I did some big things today. - Big good things. - Missles that you wouldn't believe. (laughing) Fucking hit everything that we wanted to hit. We're gonna be doing a lot of stuff. Okay, cool. - Like at least, yeah, at least talk, talk all presidential and stuff, which is can't. He can't even, if I can pretend to be normal. - Okay, he has a fucking fourth grade vocabulary. - I mean, shit, I even saw this thing Putin did for International Women's Day. I was like, the women, they work, but they are also so nice and feminine. How did they do this at the same time? Like even Putin can hold it together and act like a human every now and then. - What is his accidental thing? Is he just like, what are we talking about? - This is in. - Women's Day. - This is like the unany good thing. It's like, could do something to drink before I kill you. (clearing throat) - Given some vodka. - Oh, they accidentally released this. (laughing) I'm sure he was thrilled about that. (laughing) - I'm sure nobody got fucking beheaded for doing that. (laughing) - Ah. - Ladies and gentlemen, I am very happy to congratulate you on International Women's Day. - See? - Ladies and gentlemen, I am sincerely pleased to congratulate you on the International Women's Day. - This is not the clip. - We always celebrate this holiday with the warmest and brightest feelings. (laughing) - This is another, it's when there's women in the audience smiling lovingly. It's a recent one. It's like three days ago. That one and the women are like, I love you, Putin. No, not this one. - Yeah. - This is bullshit. - That's right. - But at least he can pretend to be a sane, rational human. So this is how they go hard in Europe. They give women bouquets and shit. But this would be considered anti-feminist to give women flowers here on women's Day. - It would be anti-feminist? - Oh yeah. - You know, they'd be like, what do you think? You wouldn't need flowers for? - Yeah, yeah. - Fuck you. - I'm just like a man. I'm equal. - Fucking crazy broads all over the world, man. (laughing) - I mean, but this is also bullshit too, right? Like, you think a bouquet of flowers is gonna. - Well, I mean, it's nice to get a bouquet. I'm sure they're like, "The Putin gave me my flower." - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's a special day. - Yeah. This is a great leader, give you flowers. - Let's give a, let's open the show with something cool. All right. - No. - Here you go. - Yeah. ♪ Did you ever go down a girl ♪ - Well, I did. - Throw up again. - Last night. (laughing) - Oh, it's Randy. - That was awesome. - I'm bringing one mug into this. - No, mug in the fucking stand. - Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. (laughing) ♪ With Tom Segura ♪ ♪ Tom Segura ♪ ♪ And Christina Fujitsu ♪ ♪ And Christina, welcome to your mom's house. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ Did you ever go down a girl ♪ (laughing) - That was great, man. What's in his mouth? - In Visaline. - That's not a-- - Or a whitening thing. - I mean, they're really-- - I just can't imagine he would have whitening trays. - I don't think so either. It's a good point, but it's like, what is going on? What is going on? - Oh, that's the perfect smile. - Do you think he has the perfect smile? Do you think it stays in when he eats girls out? - Ugh. (laughing) - I wanna see who he's eating out. Don't you wanna see who it is? - It's definitely someone who's seen better days. - For sure. - Yeah. - Don't you take him off? I don't feel good. - Boy, you know what? - Stop it! - Here's the thing that a lot of people are missing from this is that he doesn't, he licks, but he also, then he's sucked on the clip. - I can't. (laughing) - You know what? - Yeah. - Fuck you. - Fuck your mom. - Fuck you. - Okay. - I hate this. - All right, we'll switch it up. - Why do you do this? - I was having fun. - I'm having fun. - We were talking shit about Obama, I was talking shit about Putin, Trump, and then this thing. - All right, all right. - Come on, dude. - All you people don't understand how I feel about my fiancee. We're sure Glenn's down below this. - I want to be with him. (laughing) And if any of you don't get back to me, something's wrong, and I will soon. - Soon. - Yeah. - I also was telling some of our great staff, or do you think there are women right now watching going like, Wait, someone proposed to her. - Absolutely. - And like, I can't get shocked at like. - Absolutely, there's someone for everyone, Tom. - There really is, like, yeah. - But I love these clips where the woman is always like, "He's mine!" - He's mine. - He chose me, he don't want you. - Stop talking to 'em. - He chose me. - He chose me. - Red riches, stop pommelomics, yeah. - I want to start making clips like that. - I will soon. - I will soap. - Yeah, yeah. - Well, I'm not, I'm, who's talking to him? I gotta know. - I know, I know, she's ready to sue you. I don't know if you can sue for that. I don't know if she knows the law, well, but you can't really just sue people. - For talking to my fiance. - I don't think so. - You can try. - There's no legalities. 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For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hymns.com/YMH for your free online visit. hymns.com/YMH. Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve a verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Research requires you website for full details, restrictions and important safety information, individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. - I'm talking to my friend. - And it's fucking crazy. And then any sent this in. (upbeat music) - Cool. (laughing) - Is this, here's my question. Is this an ASMR video or is this a porn video? I'm so confused. - I feel like it's ASMR soft porn, 'cause I don't think it gets into porn stuff, but it's just seeing, well also it's informative. It's educational. It's showing clearly how to break down some of that tissue, 'cause there's, people, there's a lot of muscle fibers in your chest and that's working it out. - Any, have you gone to a masseuse like this before? - No, no, I don't know what it is. ASMR, gay, straight, soft core heart, or whatever it is, it's wrong. (laughing) And I don't want any part to do this. - I can't believe. (laughing) - Also too, which is really unique about this form of massage, is that he's sitting up, usually you lay down. - Yeah, 'cause this is totally terribly uncomfortable. (laughing) - It's as uncomfortable as watching people get the massages on the airport, or you just put your face in the chair. - Yeah. - Everybody in the world is horrible. - It would rather die. - Well just like porn, this is for the camera. So this really isn't about treatment, it's about educating the public on how to do this. - It's performative, as the people say. - And the guys just really rubbin' the hell out of 'em, you know, standing over his back. - That's not how you give a massage. - No, no, no. - There's so much stuff on him. What is that stuff? - Yeah, that also, I don't feel like that's massage oil. I think it's something else. - I don't think so. - I don't think so. - And what after this, he's like, how you feel bro, I don't know how it ends, but it feels like it would end, well it would probably end in another scene. - I would take off my wrist band before I touched it. - Well he's got the mic there, just to speak to what you were saying. I think they want those sounds. - All right. - Yeah, a lot of grabbing. - I don't like the sounds. I'm okay with the visuals, but the sound, I don't think that. - I know, and a lot of people love the sounds, man. - Yeah. - The sounds is what gets people off sometimes. - Okay. - Yeah. - I don't like it. - I did see, you had mentioned this, the Gene Simmons thing is great. He's fascinating. - Yeah, I came across this on TMZ. 'Cause TMZ for people that don't know, in LA, a lot of times they'll go to the popular high end areas and they just wait 'cause stars come in and out of places. - Like restaurants. - Yeah, restaurants and stores. - The airports. - I know right now Ben Stiller is calling out the president, saying he doesn't want him to use his movie clips for war propaganda. I mean, it sounds like a lot of people are criticizing Trump like Hollywood right now over this more thing. - Yeah, because everybody in the world should listen what actors and comedians say because they're so qualified. Basically shut the fuck up. Do your art and shut up. Nobody's interested in Europeans. That includes me who I vote for, who I like. Who the fuck do you think you are? People in America work hard for their living and they don't want to be lectured to by people who live in mansions and drive Rolls Royces. - Yeah. - Thank you. - Press right there. - He's right there. - It's time for everybody in the entertainment to shut their pie hole and just do your art. Nobody cares what you think. I don't. - Okay. - What will Mark Ruffalo? - How are they? - You pronounce his name. - Mark Ruffalo, yeah. - Well, good. Ruffalo, Buffalo. Hello, what does Mark think about politics? I don't care. - So you think celebrity should stay out of the politics talk? - Well, we both agree. - Okay. - Yeah. - Or go to Kylie Jenner and ask her what you think so the war's so far. (laughing) - Ah! - That was great. - Friend to the show, Gene Simmons, as always. - He is a king, a Lord, a true Lord. Well, he's Hungarian. - Yep. - He's one of my tribe. They don't give up. - Nope, definitely not. - But first of all, we didn't even talk about it. - Yeah. - Are you on your period? - It actually just started, yeah. - Yeah, I've had mine for two days. - Yeah. - What are you doing for cramps? - My doll. - My doll. How much have you taken? - Six. - Yeah. - And what about, what else do you do? - I take, I'd be profaned and I take some adult too. - Yeah, that's a lot. Your liver was probably ill. - Yeah. - What are you using these days? - For what? - For the flow. - What do you think? - I heard, I saw the diva cup in your bathroom. - Yeah, well, I mean, I kind of rotate, you know. - Between? - Pads and tampons. - What about the diva cup? - I don't use the diva cup. - But I saw you. - No, I was interested in, but I lost interest. - Mm. - You use it? - No, it's kind of messy. It collects the blood, and then you pour the blood into the toilet, and you rinse out the cup, and then use it again, which is. - It's not a man. - I know, it sounds horrific now. - I know. - I was surprised that you were in, even for some reason. - I farted, I wanted to tell you this. I farted at the gym this morning, and Shawn was like, "Oh, my God." - Yeah. - And I go, "What?" He goes, "Dude." He goes, "Do you need to sit on the toilet?" And I go, "I think so." And he was right. - He was right. - I did. - No, let me ask you this. - Yeah. - You woke up this morning, I'm assuming you drank your coffee. You didn't shit before the gym? You take a loaded-- - It wasn't ready. How can you, if it's not ready, it's not ready. - Yeah, but I don't know how you do that. - But it wasn't ready, and then I ate. So I had coffee, then I ate. And then I could have waited around, but I was like, "I'll just go." And when I got there, it still wasn't ready. So I started, and then I was like, "It's almost ready." - But your shit takes so long. I imagine it cuts into your fitness time. - No, it didn't take so long. - It takes 30 minutes for you to shit it when you're home with us and the kids, it's funny. - I know, and-- - Oh, you do it fast when you're on your own clock. - No, I had to clean. I have to clean myself. - Yeah. - How did you clean at the gym? - What do you, how do you think? You just use dirty ass, dry toilet. - No, Sean does it. (laughing) - It takes long. - You farted last night. You and I have exactly like 10 minutes alone when we have our children around. - Yeah. - And I was so happy 'cause they were like in the bath last night. And I'm like, "Come sit next to me." me. Let's catch up. I love you. I want to see you. I want to know you, girl. And then you go, I got a fart and then you blow a fart and it stinks. It smells so bad. And I'm like, you can't just a 10 minutes I have with you. Is there just a time when there's no farts or shit? I don't know. Sometimes it's just how life goes. How life goes. Yeah. Sometimes you just walk into a new page, a new chapter of life. And the first thing you do is fart, you know. It's not unique to me. I think it's everybody one ever did. Yeah. Now people are asking me every day if I won a medal. And I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, you got a medal? And then I realize that I forgot that I competed. It's crazy. Look at me. You look great. Look at that lip lick. Look at this guy. It's shot though. Yeah. Nadian's love this shit. Bro. It's good shot. What did so well? I did. So those, the S, I did win. That is a silly sport, though, isn't it? Is this curling? I think that's curling, isn't it? Yeah, but they don't have. Don't they have the guys? They go. Oh, yeah. That's true. That's not that. You're right. I don't know what this is. Well, anyway, whatever this is, this is just a shuffle. Well, whoever that is, it looks like me. Congratulations. And that was amazing. That was an incredible shot. Also, you know, we didn't say this last time. And I, I was so saddened by the death of Robert Karadine from Revenge of the Nerds. He plays the big nerd. What's his fucking name, Arvin? No, that was, that was from head of the class. Sorry, guys. Okay. Venge the nerds. So funny. And that movie really changed my life. I watched it. Maybe a million times growing up. Did you love that one as much as me? Oh, yeah. Lewis. That was his character. Lewis Skolnick. So funny. And you know, it sucks if you can't even find this movie now because it's so politically incorrect that they, you can't find it. I have to watch it in pieces on YouTube when I want to watch it. Really? You can't find this anymore. They won't, the nobody I'll touch it because he was 71. I know. Damn. And his, you know, his brother was David Karadine. That was David Karadine's brother. Right. And then you know how David Karadine died. Was it broken? Jan is D and choking himself. Yeah. And then he died from that. That happens just like a fart. Sometimes things happen. Look at that photo of him. That's I know. I mean, Lewis. He was so funny. I, I loved this movie so much. One time I got to meet Bugger at Gelsons and I almost lost my fucking. Did you really? Yeah. I met him at the salad bar at Gelsons in LA. Did you chat him up? No, I was just like, Bugger. Like I can't. Yeah. I don't care about anybody except like Bugger from Revenge of the Nerds. Yeah. I don't know who else even. Maybe Anthony Bourdain. That burp. Move to the burp and then he's like, Oh God. So funny. So funny. Yeah. Anyway, he had the great laugh. Yeah. That was his little thing. I can't believe that's David Karadine's brother. Is that my right about that? I might just be lying. I think you're right. Wow. Wow. Annie, could you imagine dying from J.E.R.D. how fucking embarrassing that is for your family? Oh, for them. Yeah. For you, it doesn't matter. Your dad. Yeah. Please don't die that way. I won't. I'll try not to. Fuck. Yeah. As the season shifts to spring, the time to clean out and spruce up your space is now. And Wayfair gets that. That's why they have something for every size style and vibe you're going for at home, whether you're in the market for mid-century modern farmhouse or vampiric laire. Wayfair has plenty to choose from without breaking the bank, especially with all of their filters, reviews and visuals. It's super easy to narrow down and find the pieces you'd actually want in your place. From furniture upgrades and functional decor to storage solutions and playroom organization, Wayfair makes it to where you don't have to sacrifice functionality for style, which is crucial if you're anything like me and have to consider whether or not your furniture can double as a jungle gym. 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I think he- No, I think God intervenes. The angels intervene. There he is. Well, this is a perfect transition. This is literally what I was going towards. So David Karateem died in '09 at 72 in a Bangkok Thailand hotel room. Determined he died, acts, acts. I don't auto erotic asphyxiation. He was found naked with cords tied around his neck and genitals. And genitals. Yeah. And he was 72. Wow. 72 still going. Oh, he was in Thailand to film the movie Stretch, which is a pretty interesting name for a movie. The literal thing I had picked up here was Thailand because this is a great story at a Thailand. Thailand a lot of cool things happen. They also they have great food. They have great beaches. But cool things can happen there. And one of the things that people go there for is surgeries. And this guy was arrested for performing penis enlargences in his car. He admitted having no medical license and said he learnt the techniques from online videos. Which again, chat GPT's awesome. YouTube's amazing. They're great resources. It's crazy that you could learn that and then be like, do you want me to make your dick bigger? And you're like, yeah. But what's crazier is that someone goes, yeah, yeah, wait a minute. Yeah. Maybe there's a Toyota Corolla parked around the backside. No, it's not even the back of like a Rolls Royce. This is shit. Normal car. This is my stuff. So unsanitary. The suspect promoted his services of TikTok offering treatments such as penis enlargement, circumcision, and pearl implant. Cool. He was charged with practicing medicine without registration and offense punishment by up to three years in jail. Just three years. Or $1100 fine. For mutilating men's penises. That's it. Yeah. Imagine like your fault when you're like, hey, this doesn't look right. He's like, well, I fucking learned it online, dude. I'm not a doctor. And you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I gave you 40. Don't you think that three years and $1100 is not significant enough of a punishment for impersonating a doctor? I think it's insane. Insurgizing people. It's insane. This guy is a fucking lunatic, dude. But imagine how, oh, God, I'm so sad. That'd be so crazy to do. I want to see his work, though, like, please see if any of it was good. I doubt it. They see 189 purling beads and round cubic bean art capsule and Chinese bun shapes from his car. He also had medical equipment and aesthetics and surgical instruments in his car. Purling is the insertion of small beads under the skin of the penis to create ridges that boost friction during sex. Cool. Doctors are more likely to lead to long-term complications, including scar tissue, chronic pain, penal dysfunction, in addition to possible infection, which you might get in the backseat of a car. It's not a sterile environment. Holy fuck, man. Holy, that's all his wares. Those are all his gems. He charged 10 grand for penal, 10 grand bot, though, for penal enlargement, which I'm not sure. What is that? Yeah, what is $2? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Not America. I'll tell you that. Three of us make my dick bigger. Here's $300. But how does he make it bigger? The beads don't make it bigger. No, that's a different thing. That's a different procedure. Yeah, he's not going to give away all his secrets in this fucking video. Does he give you a menu? What do you want me to do? I want you and I. That's what it looked at. That's on the backseat of a car. Let me give me your dick. Men are desperate. That's what I was going to say. How desperate are you? Shit, dude. Yeah. You wouldn't even eat. Remember grape who pond these to eat that shit in the back of a Rolls Royce? Yeah. This guy. He's like, what? I put some plastic down. This is fucking fine. He's got the, you know, watch my hands this morning. That's like shit. Look, he's barefoot, dude. Yeah, of course. How many of you found this better than this? (laughing) Have you seen that meme? This girl, she's like, call me crazy, but I don't like store-bought pesto, and then everybody goes, "Suzi, that is crazy." Also, one time my brother smoked a lot of crack, and I'm like, "Don't get stories like this." - Oh, real crazy story, yeah. - That is crazy, Susie. - Yep. - Don't you yearn to be that innocent? - Yeah. - You're like, "Evlo Fagrall, Fagrall, Fagrall." I just, I give anything to be that naive. - How much would it-- - That happy. - How much would it cost to get you to spend one night here (laughing) in the pigeon house. - This is my uncle's house. It's a shield fuck. - How much would it take? (laughing) It's just covered in pigeon shit and feathers. - Yeah. - This is definitely Eastern block. - Yeah. - Feels like it. - Quarice, this is Ukraine somewhere. - It's Russia. - Russia. (clapping) - Hey. (upbeat music) - Hey, hey, hey. - Hey, hey, hey. - You're away for three years. You're like, "I'm finally going home." This is what you walk into. (laughing) It's just-- - A Russian man returned his apartment after three years and found it packed with pigeons. That's why you don't want to leave a window open. - Yeah. - Oh, damn. - Fuck. - What would it take though? - Oh, I'd live there. - For a night? - Not a big deal. - This is not a big deal. - This is not the problem. I love pigeons. Can I tell you what I'm doing in our house? By the way? - What the fuck? - Not only am I feeding squirrels. I put a bird feeder now. I put the bird seed out in front of our window in our bedroom. - I think your opinion would change if that window was open. - I'm gonna leave it open soon. - Just see what happens in the house. - I also want to be friend raccoons. I hear that they're wanting to be domesticated. - Well, they're in the yard. You know that, right? - I know I'm working on it. - Yeah. - What do you think leaves a trash open for them every night? - Leaves it open for them? - Yeah, unlock it. You guys put the stupid lock on there. Open that right back up. Come to me, friends. - Yeah, that's cool. - This is lovely segue from Russia to my people. - Okay. - Can you play this girl? - Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital? (laughs) I see that this building is in a quite bad condition and to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Chernobyl. This is a Hungarian hospital. Wow, this building looks like it went through a lot. I don't think that this is in Hungary. Even for Hungary, this would be way too bad. So I'm gonna go with Chernobyl. I got tricked, but this is a Hungarian hospital too. I would say that this looks bad, but it's for the standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or being similar conditions. So I'm gonna go with Hungarian hospital on this one. And this is indeed a Hungarian hospital. This building doesn't even have balls. So it must be Chernobyl. If you guess Chernobyl here, like I did, then you were wrong. - Jesus Christ. - This is why you don't wanna go to a Hungarian hospital. - That's terrifying. - You know, in the summer of 1994, I ate too many Mentos when I was staying in Hungary and I gave myself a cavity and it got worse, worser and worser. Rather than go to a Hungarian dentist, I just waited until it needed to be root canaled when I got home. I was like, I'm not fucking even going to the dentist there. You don't wanna end up in a Hungarian hospital and anything happened. - I was in Budapest and it looks really nice in a lot of parts. It's all like that. - Well, that's 'cause you're probably staying in Budapest, like the central touristy part, but then you just go a little bit outside. - Well, there's gotta be nice hospitals. - I don't know. I've never seen one. They don't really have, like my grandma, when Nana died. It was in summer and they didn't have air conditioning in the hospital and this was in 2003 or so. No AC. And we had to bribe the nurses to just like, hey, look after her. - Jesus Christ. - It was really bad. I don't know. - It's been a while since-- - That's really crazy. - Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital, amazing. (screaming) - Jesus. - This is why we're married. Just when I think I hate you for playing that opening clip. Then you redeem yourself. That was-- - Why do we love this so much? (screaming) - Yeah. - Why do I like this so much? - I don't know. - God, this is amazing, babe. - By the way, by the way. For people that are unaware, don't forget. That next month, April, you know, it's tax, tax month. - Yeah. - The tax day's coming up. I thought, because of that, if you're not yet thinking about it, there's some things you really have to pay attention to if you're not that savvy. And to help you out, I pulled some stuff from a tax consultant just to get you up to speed and ready to file. - Move her around from behind so that the pussy grips your dick, and that's the way it feels good. You gotta do that, man. And that's a Brooklyn rap room. That is a Brooklyn motherfucking rap. - April 15th is tax day, so don't forget. Don't forget, you know? It's important. Otherwise, otherwise, you know, you don't get an extension. Now you're in penalties. You want the IRS coming after you? I don't think so. - If I like hitting it from behind, I can get the pussy to grab you better when you're going from behind. You know what I mean? So I like to do it from behind. It doesn't matter if she got a, she got to have a flat stomach. - Right. - But it's even she could be big bone or whatever. - No, race doesn't matter. I don't care about race. You just gotta look good. - Yeah, and that's it. - And then respect me, and then you get it from behind. That's, there it is. Fideli and Associates, proven integrity, unmatched value, uncompromising results. That's our guy. - I hate you so much. - Go into that first page. - I hate you. - That image right there. - That's so good. - No, he looks great. No, that's a hot, that's a hot photo. I will, I think he's very attractive. - He's a good image. - I think he does take a care of himself. - He does take a care of himself. - I think that, look, he, he deserves all the P.U.S.S.S. why that he's getting. I don't think that he like, he takes good care of himself around his marathons and stuff. Right? Does he run? - Look at that hair. - His hair is fucking amazing. - Incredible. - Yeah. - He's a, he's got a nice website. - Well, if you want results, you know who to go to. - I would date this man. - Oh, you should. - If you're gonna go to the bathroom, you go to the bathroom. They go to the bathroom to scheme, to strategize, to figure out how they're going to do their next kill. Okay, that's what they do. And they talk to each other about it. And then they come back out and they look like they washed her hands, but what they did was, yeah. - He's fucking shit. - But you gotta get the pussy to grip you. - Stop with this. - Also, if you have 1099, just remember that's different than W2. So, gotta think, are you an independent contractor? Are you an employee? - Just need to think about that. Why don't we take a quick break? - Yeah. - We'll be right back. - I was having fun. - Oh my God, which is my camera high. I never introduced people, but Tom's letting me today, because I love these two gents so much, all the way from England, from London, put your hands together for Francis, Foster, and Constantine Kissen. So, let me say it right, trigger nonmetry podcast. Clap for yourself. - Are we clapping? - Do clap for yourself. - You guys are so self-effacing. Anyway, I did your podcast trigger nonmetry and it went hugely viral. And I wanted to have you guys on the show, because I think what you do is so important, which is just talk openly about what's happening in the world. And I don't know, Europeans have a tighter ass hole than we do about things, yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - Well, I just demonstrate. - Yeah, it's a yep, I mean, Brits traditionally, upper class is like, you know, don't say much. - Oh, no, no, no, they don't say much. And then you have the working classes, but they say a lot, particularly after a few drinks. - Yeah. - So you will meet an upper class Brit and you'll think to yourself, like, how did you conquer the empire? - Yeah. - Like, you chindless abs, you know, backbone to you whatsoever. And then you meet the working classes, and therefore I can terrify. - Yeah, and that's what you guys are. - Yes, yes, yes. - That's what America is, right? - Yes, it's all the crazy go-off to take a risk, people. - Yeah, that's always true. - It's the current. - And religious, you know, lunatics, yeah. - Yep, a little bit. - And you're like fighting. - Yeah. - Americans love fighting. - Yeah, but you guys like stabbing. - Yes, that's what we do. That's part of our culture. Don't you dare shit on my culture. - No, yeah, no, we won't take your culture. But, yeah, stabbing is like, I respect it so much. Like whenever I hear about a stabbing in London, I'm like, kudos, because like you really, you have to have rage, you have to getting close. - Yeah. - You can't do it from a distance. You gotta get right up on somebody. It takes heart, it takes bravery. - And that's why you Americans don't enjoy it, because it's physical exercise. - It's right, that's why we are so fat. - You're like lazy, I wanna sit here. I'm just gonna put it, yeah, it's so much easier. You can sit in a lazy boy and just pick people off. - Yeah, you know, like the drive bike, the laziest form of execution ever. right now. - I never thought about that, it is so lazy. - Yeah, you literally were crying. - Yeah. - And then you shoot. - And then you're like, "Hey, slow down." - Yeah. - And then roll the window down, which is a button. - Yeah. - Boom boom. And then you're like, "Hit the gas." - Yeah. - And then you drive off. How many calories do you expend in one of those bad boys? - I mean, also, you're probably making a fast food stop, 'cause you're in the car. So you hit the drive-through before or after. - It's brilliant. - It's a really good move. - Yeah, fly. - Yeah. - It's a fat fucking move. It's very American. - It is. - Good setup you got here. - And you guys don't have that problem. - No, it's kind of hard to do a drive-by stabbing. - I know. - Yeah. - But you're not as fat as we are either in London. - Not quite. - You guys are both living, just so people know you're living in London, constantly and you're from Russia, originally, shout out. - Hello, my friend. - But you moved to where Scotland when you were in? - No, my parents had me to school in England. And then I went to university in Scotland. - University. - College. - College, college. - I went to college. - And then France's? - My mother's from Venezuela. - Yeah, that's right. - You've got a Latin mother too. - I know. I know we share the damage. - Yeah. - You know. - They're fucking nuts. - Oh my God. Like, I remember like my, you know, did you ever have this where you saw your mates talking to their English or American mums and they'd give them attitude? And I'd be like, oh my God. - Well, we shit on my mom pretty hard. (laughing) Most of the time my friends were like, what is your maid taking care of stuff right now? (laughing) It's my mom and they were like, what? - No, I mean, my mom was also super Catholic. - Yeah. - And so my stuff was usually like, hey, this drive in the car is longer than 10 minutes. We're praying the rosary. It's not like, fuck. But yeah, no. So your mom, there was no backtalk to your mom. - Oh my God. No, like my mom is like, my mom is a, I love her, but she's a mix of people that you don't want to put together. Like half Arabic. Quarter Sicilian, quarter Turkish Cypriot. - Really? - Very mentally stable. - Yeah, very like, you know. (laughing) Yeah, she's literally in the corner of a room like nitroglycerin about to like, fucking fuck. - She's got a fuse on her. - Oh mate, she doesn't have a fuse. It's like light bank. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - My mom's, my mom pops off pretty crazy. - Well, you know what, I used to think Francis is the least Latino looking man who has Latino genetics in the world. But I think you take, you're the top of that. - Maybe you think so. - You're a level above. - Yeah. - I know, I'm a halfie. I'm a full halfie man. - Yeah. - And she looks very Latin. My mom looks very Latin, yeah. - You guys are both very pinky, you know, nice pinky. - Well, I got, you'd probably say anything happened to you, which is, I have two siblings. They have more like olive complexion. So they got those genetics. I got my dad's skin. And like, so I-- - Here's the thing. Is your dad, does your dad have Irish genetics? - Yes. - That shit bleaches everything. - Yeah. - It bleaches everything. You're gonna come out full party if you've got Irish. - I do. - Yeah, that's what's totally what it is. - That's your mom. - That's charo. Yeah. - She looks nice, man. - I mean, she's oldest, fuck now. But like, she looks different, obviously. - Different. - Growing up. Different. Yeah. Yeah. She's constantly. - You know what I've realized, though. - Did your mom hit you up for cash a lot? - Yeah, all the time. - Okay. - No. - Now you guys know. It's how it works. - But is that a Latin thing or is just a mom thing? - That's Latin. - I think it might be a mom thing, but I think it's driven up more in Latin America. It's like, especially if you're the boy. They're like, what's up? Like, take care of, I need a phone. I'm like, you need a phone. - Yeah. - It's like, yeah, I need a new iPhone. I'm like, go get one. She's like, no, you get it. I'm like, why? - Because I gave birth to you. - Yeah, yeah. Always. I'm, you're here because of me. I'm like, so what? I got you a car. You can't buy a phone. Like, that's most of our conversations. - Oh, absolutely. I remember once I took my mom for lunch, she goes, you're doing well. I'm like, yes. She goes, okay, lobster ravioli. (all laughing) - Is your mom from Caracas? - Yeah, yeah, she's from Caracas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You speak Spanish, too, right? - You're a blue Spanish. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You do look as Spanish, dude. - I don't know. - You know what? I thought. - It's very helpful for navigating Uber as it is in Austin. - Yeah. - So many situations that you don't realize when you're young, as you get older. Like, you know, you're just, you're just in these situations where somebody manning whatever, the door, the place that you wanna get into is a Latin guy, like, and you just start speaking Spanish. At least here in the States, and you just are given access because of that being able to speak to them. - Well, I was in El Paso a couple of years back, and I didn't meet a single person for like two days, who didn't speak Spanish as the first language. - El Paso is another level, though. - Right. - That's a proper border town. - But you guys have the polox, or your Latin, is that right? Like, I remember being in restaurants, and being like, whoa, like your waist-afe is like a Polish, like a pre-polar. - That would have probably been before Brexit. - Yes. - So it's more than 10 years ago. - Yes. - Right. - Yeah. - What has your guys opinion on Brexit? - Well, it hasn't really done anything. Like, everyone thinks like, the people who thought it was gonna be bad, miraculously haven't changed their mind. - Uh-huh. - And the people who thought it was gonna be great, they're not happy that it like, that it hasn't happened the way they wanted. - But I don't think it's actually done as much as people think. Do you see what I'm saying? - Yeah, I mean, it was quite inconsequential, actually. - That most annoying thing probably is like, travel stuff, right? Like, it doesn't traveling become, where you're like, - Way in line for a tiny bit longer. - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not a big deal. - It hasn't been a big deal. - Yeah. - After all that fighting for like 10 years. - Yeah, it's like, okay. - It's still, it didn't seem to have been over a lot, you know? - You know, while this thing about Brexit is that people's ended their marriages about Brexit. - 'Cause someone voted Brexit. Can you imagine being a dude now, waking up in a bed sit, like you barely see your kids. You've lost your house. You've lost pretty much. - Like it's over Brexit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, and 10 years on, and like nobody gives a fuck anymore. - Nobody cares, yeah. - But they should care about Prince Andrew. What the fuck is happening? Epstein files. We know Berk Chrysher's in the files. (laughing) - Yes, true story Berk Chrysher's in the Epstein files. - Yes, sure. - But what did he do? - He hasn't said yet, but he's in them. If you search the Justice Department, Epstein files. - In them how? What does it say? - I don't wanna do an ask question. - Yes. It's just, there's results. - There's results. - Yes, I don't know, friend. He's a friend of a friend, I guess. I don't know. - But it does sound like you guys are going after the creeps in the Epstein files. Like, didn't your Prime Minister get, are you allowed to talk about this stuff, right? - No, they're gonna get arrested. - You guys were, no, 'cause when I was on their podcast, they were nervous because there's certain things you can't say in Europe, right? - Yeah, I mean, we were mostly joking. - Yeah. - And also. - Also, we have what we have as very stringent libel laws. So like, if you talk shit about somebody and it's not true, you can get sued for that. - Okay, okay. - And that's basically all you guys do, right? - Yeah. - It's a podcast. - Yeah, yeah. So we're gonna have that clenched butt hole that you talked about right at the start, as we do this. - Allegedly. - Yeah, if you put it allegedly, then you're fine. - You're fine. - Prince Andrew allegedly, in the Epstein. - No, he is in the Epstein. - Yeah, he is. - Yeah, he is. - He is the Epstein file. - Allegedly taking it off. - That was like his homie. - Yeah, yeah. - I know. - No, the guy didn't have a job. He had to do something. - Yeah, what's he gonna do? - Right. - Yeah, we're gonna go. - Also, if you have access to everything and you get bored, you're like, well, what's some like new cool shit I can go to? - That's true. - Absolutely, you know? - Yeah. - There you go. - And he's such a good-looking fellow that's pressing through. - There he is. Talking about economics. - Yeah. (laughing) - But you know what's interesting about, like, Andrew. And someone wrote this article on it. It's that, like, he's never been charged with it. Well, he's been charged with stuff now, but like, he's never been convicted. He's never, the allegations, they look serious. - Those girls are old, by the way. I don't know why. - I know. - Too old for him. - God. I mean. I'm sorry, but you said he's never been convicted. - Yeah. So he's never been convicted of anything. - Well, are we defending Prince Henry? - Yeah, this is what I'm here for. - Yeah, that was going on here. - Listen, we are a heterodox podcast. We put the alternative point of view. - That's right. - Okay, but the reason everybody hates him is that anybody who's ever encountered him knows he's a massive bull. - Yeah. - So they're like, you know what, fuck him. - Fuck him. - Fuck him. - You know what? - You know, I also think it's 'cause everyone kind of knows that he's allegedly not innocent. - Yeah, do you know what? - I think that's probably the bigger part of it. - But it doesn't help when you're a cop. - You know, that's always a thing in life. It's like when somebody is kind of a, and then something bad happens. Everyone's like, fuck him, you know? But if you have this great way about you and people like you, it does help. - It's like Michael Trankson. - Great guy. - Oh my God. - Yeah. - People are still defending him. - Good thing, did some dancing. Great guy. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's what Prince Henry needed to do, just to do some good, good things, good thoughts. - Make a hit, fuck it. - Yeah, exactly. Do whatever you want after that. - Yeah, exactly. If he wrote Billy Jean, we wouldn't be having this conversation. - A thousand percent. - But he was mummy's favorite. - That is a fun list, by the way. When you go through the list of celebrities who have done something terrible and you go, but like how good are they at their talent? - Yeah. - And then you're like. - So true. - Like when people shit on Kevin Spacey, like he's, I'm like, yeah, but I mean, I would love to see him starring in things again. The guy's phenomenal. - Oh, isn't he gonna play Epstein? - Yeah, great. - I swear, I think there is something that he was being cast to play Epstein. - Perfect. - Yeah, that is genius casting, but for his brand management, that would not be the move I'd make. - Hollywood does not give a fuck. He'll be back and working, I know. - But I'm saying-- - He was trying not guilty, sorry. He was trying not guilty as well, right? He had like a big sibling, right? He had to pay a lot of money to somebody. - Right. - I think that's what happened to him. He is back working again. But he's obviously been knocked down a few pegs, but I'm like a talented man. Yeah, our Kelly's in prison I would love for them to get a keyboard in there because He gets to pay for his crimes and we can still get the music Everybody's happy. Yeah, imagine how heartfelt that shit's gonna be. Oh. Oh, yeah We're gonna hear some some How he just does like stream of colleges. Yeah, that's when he got lazier. Yeah, he got lazier Yeah, yeah, I'm walking to the thing talk singing. Yeah, girl. Get your passport. We're going to tell me with that man You're like, what is this? But he's fucking talented. That guy. He's a Savar always think Savar means who else who else is a piece of shit? What do you want? He I did look. I think I think his movies get repetitive and annoying, but was he talented? Chris Brown seems to be in the lineup here. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's still obviously mad about him Just putting his fucking fists on Rihanna, but again, you know, I can really fucking move But here's my favorite Chris Brown story is he went on stage in Ireland Mm-hmm in Dublin, right? And he goes, ah, this is such an honor for me to be playing England. Oh Yeah, I was lying a lot of people don't know man You could play that clip for a lot of people here, and they'd be like, okay The Irish one happy about no shit. No shit. Yeah, they tend to get quite flashy with that. I didn't even do that Pulaski I've always thought was the biggest fucking turret of a person Great director great director made some good movies dude. Oh, what about Bill Cosby? That was the saddest one Yeah, dude, you know what this is a much better podcast than ours. They just sit in Piece of shit. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah Cosby alleged piece of shit yeah, allegedly. Yeah, apparently one of the all-time greatest stand-ups ever Yeah, I just do it like I'm deniably really shit. Yeah, I would argue like Eddie with our question Eddie Murphy prior Cosby Carlin because as you know, he copied Cosby when he started out. Oh Cosby Cosby is Absolutely, well, it's not strong. Oh, well, stop strong. Um Cosby is the original like that guy could can talk about What he did in the morning getting ready and having breakfast and have an hour special that you would be like that was most amazing like that guy is Such an incredible storyteller in comic and you know, he had a thing for whatever Now Weinstein I would say is probably the best guy of all because he yeah He did some dirty stuff, but again as a producer these are incredible movies man Have you noticed the backlash with Tarantino these days? Yeah so many actresses are coming out and being like he's a piece He's also the most but he's like he's gotten he does something that you don't see like in Hollywood really which is like a list guy Being like hey fuck you Yeah, like he's just which is kind of it's very entertaining because you usually those guys are just like a publicist Maybe puts out a statement. You're like this is just bullshit. He is fully just being like that guy sucks That movie suck because you were in it like he's just lighting people up. It's kind of fun my my suspicion of him It he's a foot guy though, isn't he? Yeah? Oh, yeah, and those those guys are the darkness. Yeah Yeah, have you ever seen that meme about like ask guy tits guy and the foot guy? There's a meme online if your team can find it. It's the funniest thing ever Yeah, yeah, oh they can find it But guys They're dirty as grossest most degenerate. Yeah, but you know, there's like a website that the friend of ours is female Who's on that website? Oh, I'm on their wiki feet. Right? I was gonna ask you if you're on that. No, that's not the meme. It's like it's like a Simpsons meme or something like that it looks Yeah, the foot the foot guys like super creepy and that don't lose Tarantino. It's not about him Right, it's just about yeah, no, no, no Tarantino and maybe yeah, yeah, there you go. Boob guys the third one from the left There we go There's me But to be fair to Tarantino he always embraced his sleaziness like he never played a character where you went Yeah, that's a good guy. That's true. It was always a weird sleazy dude. I remember when I was doing like oh You wouldn't suck some of high extos. No Really no and you know, here's a best bit about that movie. He wrote the script So this is no accident You know, we don't we don't have anyone cast yet in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe me I don't know who wrote this scene, but someone's got to do it Yeah, and it's really necessary to the script that you get one of the hottest women in the world to stick a literal foot in my mouth. Yeah It's good scene. It's a great movie. Yeah, our dogs crash too. I mean, I memorize that in college Yeah, it sounds a little too close to Mr. Shit Oh good. You know, a friend of mine told me this story about how he was in a pub in London preparing for a gig And he was just having a drink and there was this crazy dude next to him with like a pile of papers Like talking to himself with wild hair and just putting It's like, fuck man. It's another homeless dude. It's so annoying like why is he in the pub and he was just kept trying to write and they go And he was just like for fuck and he turned around and went oh, it's not his Quentin Tarantino. Oh wow Like literally almost like a manic episode look homeless hair everywhere kind of unsheveled disheveled unkempt but just Talking to himself whilst right allegedly, allegedly And can you do that in your hotel room? I don't know why you have to go to the pub to be crazy. It feels performative to me Because I talk to myself a lot, but that's why I stay home. That's what the shower is for, right? Yeah, yeah You get in the shower you think about shit. You talk to yourself. You come out normal Oh, this one talks to himself all day. What do you talk about everything? I mean like constant conversations that I want to have Gonna have Thoughts about anything Whether it's like stand up or something. I want to write. I mean just everything. I mean, yeah, I just you have full Comfort. I've watched him have confrontations with people waiting for the elevator like And I'm like, are you fighting with yep a lot of self-talking. Yeah, yeah How do you ever do it in spanish when like you get really angry like when you put Yeah, sometimes especially if I'm around if I'm around it more Yeah, if I'm watching stuff in spanish if I'm talking to like family and and then so like you're you're thinking in that head Yeah, it starts to come out more. Yeah. Yeah, I find it so when I get really fucking angry I'm like I just find I'm like what is this? You know, you just like because the Insults are just better. Yeah, same with Russian. What's a good Russian one? Oh, there's loads We have like a full cat. Let's fucking hit it, bro What's the worst thing you can say? Do you know what what made me laugh so much during the war in Ukraine? This is strange to leave It's really funny. No, but like basically A lot of people in the west and I'm very pro you can but a lot of people in the west who were pro Ukraine adopted this like They added Ukraine to like LGBTQ and then they just put the view of the end If you listen to the soldiers on both sides like the combat footage all they're doing is calling each other for All day long Ukrainians and Russians. That's all that they do. Yeah, Pidaras Pidaras. Yeah, yeah, but that's not the worst thing. What's the biggest like in Hungarian? Yeah, the during mother's a whore. Yeah Azanyat Pichava like in your mother's pussy in her ass hole Azish d'ambossa my god fox you in your ass like oh really? Yeah, all right, but I think Russians are second to you guys are impressed pretty foul What do you got? Come on man. Well, it's just like Like all that Pidaras suka bled all of that. That's it. Oh, you're liking that. Yeah, let's do the gay thing a lot Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that's the hall who gave the your mother the hall who gave birth to you I love that stuff Well, it's got a deep cut as a deep cut. Do you know who the worst? The Greeks really the Greeks and I'll tell you what like so I'm really into like ancient Greek mythology and I remember teaching my kids about Zeus and he would and halfway through the Lesson I was like this is deeply inappropriate for ten-year-olds. Yeah, like because Zeus was a dirty fucker He'd come down like dressed as a ram and impregnate a woman and once he came down. This is true as a golden shower No Impregnate a woman and this kid at the back and I was getting observed on this lesson put his hand up and went mr. Foster What is a golden shower? Oh And what did you say? I just said it's it's it's a metaphor for life That is a great answer. This is a great segue to announce your book uneducated. I get indeed It's about being a teacher my life and why, you literally should never become one. - Yeah. - Don't ever do it, like-- - That's so inspiring. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's honest, you know? - Yeah. - How long did you do it for? - 12 years. - Wow, that's a good run. - Yeah, it is a good run. It is a good run, but you look at the before and after pictures and it wasn't a good run, Tom. (laughs) - You know? - Why do you think it's got so much gray hair? - Yeah. - Oh my bad. - And you taught Greek mythology? - I taught a little bit to the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What else did you teach? - I taught maths, English. I started off as a drama teacher. It's not a proper teacher. - Sorry, can I ask you something? - Yeah. - I've been wondering this for like 25 years. - Math. - Why the fuck do you pluralize maths? - Math. - 'Cause we invented mathematics. - No. - 'Cause we're literate. - No. (laughs) - Math, not math. - Right. - Math. - That is a tell that we say math and you say maths. - Maths. - But we invented the language, so. - That's fine. I think that's the excuse for anything you say. - That's true. - You're like, it's ours. - Oh yeah, it's true. - Do you know that technique, this is not funny, but actually interesting, that's actually not true. So the colonies preserved the English language much more authentically to what it was. Because the language tends to, in the country that's created it, it continues to evolve. Whereas in America, in Australia, in New Zealand, where the people brought the language, they actually kind of froze it in time. So your accent sounds more like the accent that would have been the case. - Really? - Yeah. - We talk like donkeys compared to you. - Well, that's what I'm saying. - The way we speak. - It's more like the founding father spoke. - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah. - And the example is that, is I taught a Jamaican boy. This was like 10 or so years ago. And he had a girl, one of the kids in the class. And he said the words to shut him up, none of your foolishness boy. - Wow, that's tight. - Yeah. That's genuine Dickensian language. - Yeah, none of your foolishness. - None of your foolishness, yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, I fucking like that. - It sounded good as well. - It doesn't point that he didn't do the accent there. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes Jamaican. - None of your foolishness, more. - Yeah. - It sounds like a grandfather representing a kid. - Yeah. - And then it was accompanied with the kissing of the teeth, which just gave it, and leaving it, you know? It was an extra. - Did you see fights a lot in school? - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I'm actually one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. It's like, I really love martial arts and watching MMA. And I think martial arts is one of the best things you can do for young people. It teaches them to be fit, to regulate emotions. - Discipline. - Discipline, hard work. You know, having a goal, achieving the goal. So I taught in a really rough, rough school, in a really rough part of East London. And a lot of these kids didn't have fathers. They didn't have families growing up. They went to gangs. I was like, the best thing that we can do is teach martial arts. So we paid for a martial artist to come in. MMA martial arts is to teach them how to throw punches, how to throw kicks and all the rest of it. 'Cause you know where this is going. And because I thought, I thought this would be disciplined. It didn't teach him discipline. But I tell you what, the fights on the playground. - Yeah, better, huh? - Oh my god. Oh my god, like we were seeing roundhouse kicks like a one, two, three combination. - Holy shit. - Yeah, and it was there. - We just taught these kids how to fuck each other up. - Yeah, it's right around. - Yeah, we did. And we ended up having to cut it short. And it was kind of a black mark against my name. I'm going to be a fan of this. - Yeah. - That's funny. - Yeah, this is going to help these kids. And they're just all bad. - We're just going to bring a knife expert in to show how it's really done. - Yeah, yeah, it was. It was literally like that. I remember once just seeing like the most perfect hook. And I was like, you see, you can learn, Tommy. - Yeah, you can. Yeah, you were throwing shit before. - Yeah, exactly. - You got your hips, you got to turn your hips into that. - Hip, exactly. You say you can't do maps, but you can learn this. - You probably saw more knockouts after the MMA. A guy came. - Oh, yeah, absolutely. (laughing) And the best bit was is we gave him a lecture before. We're like, you're not allowed to use this on the playground. - Yeah. - So I give him a Ron and you, of course. - Yeah, I really love that. - They're going to fucking use it. Why wouldn't they? - Anytime. - Yeah. - Why wouldn't they? - Well, Christina was really high on, she wanted you guys to see this clip. - Yeah. - It takes place, Ireland, which is a course part of England. (laughing) - Ireland and Ireland. - She was to know how you feel about this. And we're here in Clowney because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend and his name is Sham. - Hello. - Sham, look at that. - Sham, how are you? - Hello, buddy. - We're here in Clowney today. - Clowney's a media. - Are you from Clowney? - Born and bred. - Born and bred in Clowney. (laughing) - So what do you think makes it a great talent? - Well, again. - Yeah. That's a tourist ride. - It's great, isn't it? - Well, I thought he made some good points. - Yeah, he did, right? - Yeah, yeah. - That's both of us after trying Austin Wheat. (laughing) - Does that sound better different to your ears? Are you like, oh, I kind of get that. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Well, 'cause we've had this, we've watched this guy for like a decade. And I always stupidly wonder if somebody (laughing) from the UK has a better time understanding him than we do, but not just prove that whole thing, 'cause you're from England, London, and you guys don't understand him. - No, no. - The drunk is still drunk. - Yeah, it's all sort of thing. I mean, Constantin will be able to talk about this. But when I used to do gigs in Glasgow, like the guys, people come up to me and I'd be like, are you happy? Are you excited? Are you gonna beat the shit out of me? Well, what are we doing here? - Yeah. - 'Cause it would be so thick and everything they would say would be aggressive. - And it would end with the word cool. - Yeah, oh, I-- - The irrespective of whether they were being friendly or-- - Having toward, I've done, you know, UK, Ireland, Northern Ireland, New Zealand, Australia, nothing accent-wise compares in my opinion to the Scots. Like, I have met guys after a show that they're like, you know, they had a good time, we're talking at the show. And then as we're talking after the show, I'm like, are you speaking English, dude? And then they all start laughing. I'm like, I don't understand a fucking word you're saying right now. You can just be speaking aramaic. Like, I don't understand any of this. It's so strong. - And it gets worse when you have a couple of pints in you too. - Oh, my God. I can't even fall. - It's other level. - Yeah, and it's a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucking cool. - Hey, I'm just like, I don't know if you're gonna stab me or if you're gonna wanna have a sex with me. Or you're gonna do both. Maybe it's the same time. I have no idea. - What's, yeah. - Frances Begby. - Begby, exactly, exactly. It's that, but that is the quintessential Scottish character. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's, no, go ahead. - No, we love them, but they're terrifying. - You know what the Nazis used to call the Scott's Guard? - No. - In the Second World War. - What? - The Ladies of Death. - Really? - Oh. - Because of the KILTS. - Yeah. - Oh, right. - Because, you know, if a Scott, if you piss off a Scotsman, like Edinburgh on a Saturday night, - Oh, fuck. - I mean, the British Empire was basically built on using the Scottish to kill everybody. - Yes. - They have some of the best regiments in the British Army. - Oh, it's just, yeah, done. - Yeah. (laughing) - You guys were shorts in your military. I know that 'cause I've been on different bases. And I'm like, who's allowed to wear shorts? The Brits. - Really? - Oh, I did not. - You guys were shorts, kind of gay. - On base? - Yeah, dude. - Kind of gay. - When it's high in the Middle East and stuff, you guys need your fucking legs blown off by IDs, but you're all wearing shorts. - A lot of no pants would keep your legs in the air. - I was just thinking that. - It'll help with some of the shrapnel. - Okay. - For sure. - For sure. - For sure. - It'll dust. I mean, it's very dusty. - Maybe he's like, "I've got these stuff 'cause I had pants on him." (laughing) - Don't you mock me. Don't you mock me. I've been watching "Light and Esk," I'm joining the Marines. - That's right. - No, you need to wear fucking pants, Governor. - Okay. - But we have this phenomenon in the UK. They're called Northerners, right? And that is, (laughing) and Northerners, anybody kind of north of Birmingham, which is in the center, right? And a northerner, when the temperature gets over about 10 degrees Celsius and there's like a glimmer of sun, they will say this is too hot and they will wear shorts. - Really? - Yeah, and if it gets to about 13-- - They're just like-- - No, 10, and that's when the flip-flops come out. - Really? - 13. - Yeah. - It's about 13 degrees. - But Celsius, right? So, what is that in Fahrenheit? - That's like-- - 'Cause none of you guys know what the fuck we're talking about, right? - 20 degrees? - No. - But that's, no, that's probably-- - 30 degrees. - 30 degrees. - 30 degrees. - 30 degrees. Would that be like in the 50s, maybe? - What is it? - Yeah. - 55. - Yeah, that's called a shit. - No, no, not for those boys. - No, it's for those boys. - Yeah, that's everything, basically. - No. - Well, we used to call, but see, in Russia, the summer's a very hot. So you get seasons. - Yeah. - Where's in the UK, you get one season all year round, which is just, you know, you don't know this. Since the start of the year, we're sitting here in early March until the end of February, it rained every single day, really every single day in two months. And that is just like that most of the year. - Now, hungry at one point had the highest suicide rate. How come not England? - That's a hell of a segway. - Why don't you guys kill yourselves more? - Yeah. I mean, objectively, that's a good question, because when I lived, when I was there for my year abroad, it was so depressing because the sun doesn't come out and the It's only light out for a few hours by four o'clock. It's down and you're in the pub and you're drunk again And it's just like great. Well, there you go. It's a cycle Yeah, yeah, you need that glubiness to drink to keep drinking They just tough like and this is what I've kind of accepted about British people particularly outside of London They just tougher people. Yeah, they just harder people I remember I was gigging in in Newcastle and there was this very beautiful woman at the bar and I was oh wow She's gorgeous and then this guy like kept like hitting on her. I'm quite an aggressive way into the point I was like should I actually step in because this is getting uncomfortable. She was drinking a point like this Put the point down looked at him in the eyes and went I'm not gonna bang you fuck off Yeah, that would never happen here. That's amazing. Maybe in Philly, but They're just like it's just tougher people. Yeah, they're just harder people. Yeah, well, yeah, you're working class is really tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're just tough tough hard people and in the way that I don't know like like I said before Like when you look at them you understand how we took over the world and then when they start drinking like this is my time to leave This is a time to leave. This is a time to make myself scarce because when It gets to a certain point. I it makes six street just look like a kind of yeah Well you guys are so rough because you know I love those period piece shows I watch every single one of them everyone now I mean you guys like London times when it was all dirt and then the chimneys just belted out smoke and then the dead bodies in the in the Thames and nothing but plague and stuff. I mean you guys come from horrific shit and then getting bombed and stuff Winston Churchill that whole thing remember that whole thing. Yeah, you guys remember that Well, you guys have been through to right because you're the descendants of us in a way right in a way But we're also a huge pie to every other community. You let too many Germans in the job one of our guests. Yeah Right a few made the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah We do we I guess so but like if you look at like other people's history like Russian history Yeah, no. I mean come on like that is Russian crazy. Yeah, well you like everyone always says to me why why are Russians so like stern look at fucking Russian history like you'd be you'd be pretty Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's from the east as well too. Yeah, like Hungarians are Turkish basically. We're European Turks. Yeah, so it's just a different culture Well, think about the history of Russia So there was a period in Russian history where the Russian people were occupied by the Mongols Genghis Khan's descendants For about as long as America's been in existence So kind of leaves a bit of a mark on your psyche, you know what I mean? For sure. Yeah, and then the Mongols went that nice It was kind of like being invaded by like Karl Drogo from Gamer's Russia Do you listen to that podcast the dictators? You're not so good and they profile like they do episode multi-episode Like stories about like it's the whole story of a dictator All right, so there's they have it about basically almost everyone that's been It's been a dictator and they have one about Stalin that's that's fantastic. Although I think the most exciting one may have been about Saddam Hussein That was pretty pretty great. What made it exciting. Oh, just like what level psychopath he is, you know, yes, my husband Like he they did just the torture he did was so good He had like a a team of psychologists study these Breakdowns of of dictators and they said that the one that registered the highest as a textbook Grade A psychopath was Saddam Hussein. Really? Yeah, I wouldn't have guessed that. Yeah Not Stalin. Do you think there's something about being a dictator that makes you that like just having this unlimited power? Well, I think it probably exacerbates what's there right so he had but he had all the formula like there's something in your genetics The errors in neglect as a child abuse. There's getting into violence at a young age and and having it Not have the repercussions that you know getting what you want out of it and then as you move up the political ladder and Having all this the access of you know to power and then getting absolute power I mean, it's just gonna inflame you to be this total monster. Well, that's that's why I'm asking because I think if you make me a dictator I'd shoot some fucking people. Yeah, for sure. It was fun. We're right. Yeah. How are you? How's you gonna be a dictator? Dude, I would clean all the people like first of all yeah, let's fucking round up all the scumbags that are like a teenager. Oh, really? Yeah, he what shots but he kills him when he was like if he was talented from right from The youth Academy if you're in a soccer, you know what I mean. Yeah, you're gonna get a train You know, you got it. I can get out there, man. You know, I wouldn't do that like Because Venezuela is has has had dictators for the loss. He's got a dick kind of dictatorship now But Hugo Chavez was a dictator and when he came in you know, it was one of the first things he did He banned golf. Oh, wow. Yeah, he said it was a sport. Yeah, he said it's a sport of the bourgeoisie and then he went You know what? It's not even a sport. It's a game and banned it and I'm all I'm full that I'm full that a fucking hate golf. It takes over everything. It's boring. It's tedious. It takes a long time Yeah, he's up land. Yeah, so much land exactly that and Cemetery's fucking sad And pickleball to fuck pickle when you think about how much land Cemetery's take up, right? It's just a huge plots of land and it's like once your Two generations removed if I show you fucking a foster from the 1850s You're not like I'm gonna get emotional right now. You're like, I don't fucking know who that is I'm like, oh, that's your great-great-grandfather. Nobody cares. Okay. Yeah, and it's just gonna sit here forever and then we're just gonna keep adding Fucking tombstones to this plot of land. It's the biggest waste of space ever. Yeah Yeah, you know what I was thinking is that everything in nature goes back to nature It's a circle of life thing right except for us shitty humans because what they either burn us and then you keep the ashes Or they put you in a box so that you can't even decompose back into the earth I would like to decompose naturally in our backyard. Well, they should just do what they should slingshot people into the ocean That's what they should do that's the best solution you go into the ocean water is life The fish is in the sharks eat you and you save the land. Why are we wasting our land? Tom, you and I just solved it Yeah, it's Harry's suck I'm never that perspective before. It's so much goddamn I mean you're driving down in LA you drive down in westwood and you see it's like it's good real prime real estate And you're like what is this like oh it's a fucking cemetery You're like there's enough space here for bodies for the next five hundred years. You're like great What a great use of this fucking land build houses on there do something this waste of land. It makes me crazy It makes me crazy, but back garden is probably better right because like your kids can visit Yeah, if you get slingshot into the ocean like what are they gonna to hire y'all and like Mommy was shot within the four mile radius of this point. Let's that's true You know, you could really ideally I'd like to be buried in some kind of a clear coffin that you could watch me decomposed Does that make sense like a glass bottom boat make sense it's fucking terrifying Super gross. That is incredibly gross. I think the only way you do that is you feel like you know what I think my kids have suffered enough Yeah, yeah. I want them to suffer past my life. They had a normal life I like me we need someone get an experience for them. That's what I want. Yeah, I mean I just want them to be able to see what's going on It's educational. Do you know I mean it is right. Why can't we just rot naturally? I don't understand when they can't do that Can't they just bury you? You know what I've never I've never been to a funeral in Venezuela. Have you ever seen Tom open casket? I've never seen like Latinos loving. I wait open casket at a serious. Yeah, yeah, I have seen that. Yes, yeah, yeah, really What do I you see the person's face? Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, otherwise. How do you know if they're there? I just I don't freak me out. I'd be honest like I go. I go see with that's why we're different I'd be like I trust you. I trust it. Yeah, I open the thing. Yeah, I don't want to see it It does rig this is why the West is gonna collapse Busys gray baby pussy and they don't trust everything Man, oh man, this is true. I will say I hate funerals though. I hate until yeah, I'm not a huge fan Yeah, you know what I Don't like being in those feelings You know what I did like though is when our friend Brodie passed and it was all comics at the comedy That was like a memorial service and that that was the appropriate level of like emotion laugh Emotion laughs. Yes, the good back and forth of that. That was a nice balance. You should do that for each other Yeah, what about us? Oh saying, you know like you're telling about it. Yeah, oh, well make sure You know have a have like a fun get together. We're like a married couple like you know There's my couples that die on the same day. Yeah, because they love each other so much. That's me in France. Yeah, it's beautiful Yeah, except the love each other part. Yeah, exactly the same day. Yeah, just get you know more out of spite than anything - Yeah, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? - Do you guys argue? - Sometimes, very rarely, we're used to more. - Yeah. - Like a marriage, it kind of takes, you know, you work shit out and eventually you just get, you know. - And then it's a stoster on the client, so you know what I mean? - Yeah, it's the best part, I love a low T-king. I love, I'm so over, like-- - All eyes on you, my friend. - Yeah, he's gotten so much better as he's gotten older. It's just, I like to see the will beat out of him. - I like to see him dejected and just dragging through life. - Yeah. - None of the, like, alpha energy. - No, I don't want that. - I've had it, I'm done, yeah, yeah, I'm drained. - Beautiful, yeah. - So, yeah, you may look at Tom trying to change his face. - Yeah, so you basically married a blonde Latina, Tom. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, oh, they call Eastern European's Winter Latinas. - Really? - Yeah, 'cause we're supposed to be the same, but just meaner and shittier. Like how you guys like happiness and joy were the opposite depression and sadness. But really, she's real, right? - Yeah, yeah. - So real, sorry, just so real. - I'm a Winter Latina, I'm a Winter Latina. - It's the realness that keeps it exciting. - You stop. - Go ahead. - We're gonna show them, we get a bank of videos that Christina and I have not seen. And the idea is to decide whether what we see in it is horrible or hilarious. So, I have no idea what's in this. - Okay. - Oh, oh, oh. - Oh. - That's a good one. - That's kind of both. - Yeah, it was a little bit of both. I think if that mask came down to be submissing teeth, that's what I'm saying. - Yeah. - 'Cause it landed on like a cement, oh man. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, but they're wearing a mask. Like a bag and a shirt. - I'm just sure it's what he gets. - We're in a mask outside, get fucked up. - Yeah, it's so fucking nice. - Oh. - You know, people still do that in LA? - Yes. - 'Cause they're so nice. - What the fuck did I go back six years? - Yes, 'cause they're traumatized. - It's fucking incredible. - It's still that mantra of you're still in danger. We need to protect you, da da da da da. It's madness, it's very sad. - My friend Jonathan Cogan's got a great joke when he goes, he goes, "People often ask me like, what in my opinion on transes?" And I'm like, look, it's always the same. It's fine when the Asian do it. - You know what I mean? It's time for us. (laughing) - Totally. - Just like that. - Yeah, the Asians invented that weird shit. - And they invented the bullshit. - Yeah, I know. - Do you remember when you, like, 15 years ago, you're traveling at an airport? You're like, the fuck's going on with this guy? And then someone would have to tell you. They're like, oh yeah, but they were doing it like really out of, a lot of times like, they don't feel well, right? - Yeah, they just protect you. - I know where the germs are. - I was like, that's a new concept. - Me, like you're protecting the others. (laughing) - It's real communist mentality. (laughing) - It's so un-American. (screaming) (laughing) - Why did you get out of the way? - Yeah, I don't know. Was he backing him up? Oh, it starts like, it starts when he's already too close. Yeah, maybe he's like, all right, keep coming. He keep coming. - He's got another inch. - I got him! - Yeah! (screaming) - There you go. - Maybe a new driver? - That felt to me like he could literally just step out of the way. - Yeah. - Yeah. - He's tiny. - Yeah. - He got crushed though. Maybe his hips not the same. Is that a woman? - I think it's a woman. - Oh, it's a woman. - I've misgendered somebody that has fallen fucking brands. - Yeah. - Allegedly. - Allegedly. - No, I definitely fucking misgendered somebody. Allegedly. - Oh, you got it. - Nice. - No, no, no, no, no. - Bro, you just hit my fucking suit. - Oh! - That's not funny, dude. That's why I tell my kids not to even fucking pretend with their stupid guns. - Oh yeah. - Place stupid guns. - They have play guns. They just even point it fake at me and I'm like, don't fucking do that, man. - There's her original, too. - Fuck, I lost. (laughing) - Holy shit. - Wow. - Yeah, well, you should probably shouldn't, you know. - I'd love to be there when the dad's, her dad sees that. - He's like, how'd that happen? - Oh, what the fuck, dude. - Well, he put a gun in my mouth. - Yeah. - Empty chamber. - No, no, he wasn't like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - In the nice way. - Yeah. - We thought it'd be funny. - No, I have to go to the dentist. - And the worst part is, this bitch is gonna have to give veneers now for the rest of her life. Just like, I fucking had to, 'cause my chip is like normal. - 'Cause you had a gun in your mouth. - Yeah. - Or grade, bro, I fell off, whatever, I got hit in the face. I don't like it already, I don't know. - Oh, my God. (laughing) - Oh. - What? - Oh, no. Holy. Holy shit. - Lay down, baby. Lay down. - Lay down, baby. Holy shit. (laughing) - I can breathe, aren't I? - Oh, those are great sounds. (laughing) - You guys have a weird sense of humor. (laughing) - Oh, Jesus. - Is he okay? - Yo, lad. - Breathe, aren't you? - Follow us. (laughing) - What came out? - Something ran across the road. - A deer? - A deer. - Yeah. - Was it? - Yeah. - Yeah, bro. - That's it. - What? - Oh. - Wow. - Dude, that could happen. - Holy. - Holy shit. - Shit, that could happen. - That happens with your car out here. - Looks like that one was a 50/50 split, right? Two of us found it hilarious. - The thing is, it wasn't his fault. I want people to do stupid shit. But to me, it's just like a bad thing happened to this guy. - A bad funny thing did happen. - Yeah, I mean, (laughing) (laughing) - It's partly his fault 'cause he should be wearing letters. - There you go. - You shouldn't be a, particularly going on a bike at that speed without it. - Oh, interesting. It's like wearing shorts in the military, maybe. - Wow. - Yeah, leather's really protect you from that. - It's the burn. - It's something. - You don't get the burn. - The burn. - The burn. - Did you get the burn? - Have you guys seen the story of the McDonald's CEO? Did that make it to you? - No. - So they have a new sandwich. And so the CEO of McDonald's came out and was like, "Hey, I'm gonna try this new sandwich we got." And he got so destroyed online for the video which he thought was gonna be like a cool promotional thing. Here's what it is, and let's see if you can find out why they are not. - Chris K here with, you've heard about it. Here it is, the big arch. This is something that we have tested already in Portugal, Germany, Canada. I love this product. It is so good. I'm gonna do a tasting right now, but I'm gonna eat this for my lunch just so you know. So here we go, first, holy cow. God, that is a big burger. We've got a very unique kind of sesame, poppy sort of bun on it. - Wow. - We've got two quarter pound patties, a delicious big arch sauce, and of course some lettuce. So, oh, there's so much going on with this. First of all, let's try to get this thing. I don't even know how to attack it. Got so much to it. Ooh, there's also some crispy onions on here as well. - Oh shit. - It's kinda coming out. All right, the moment of truth. Here we go. - Yeah, see that shit ever did. - That is so good. That's a big bite for a big arch. It's distinctively McDonald's. Only McDonald's could do this type of burger, but it also was unlike anything else on our menu. It's a delicious product. You've got sort of the cheeses and the gooeyness, but those crispy onions as well, 'cause it's a nice texture. And of course, we've got the pickles. So, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my lunch, but big arch, try it when you can get it. - So, people have called for him to resign over this. Okay. - Why? - So, the few things that people are most upset about is number one, that they're like, that's not a bite. Like, you're a bite, so. - There was a small bite there, and then they go, he did not eat that. They're like, he's like, don't worry, I'm gonna have it for lunch. Where they're like, it's definitely not eating that. And that for, I think, consumer, maybe in the industry uses, but for consumers, and like, to call it product. This is a product, as opposed to like. - I mean, it kind of is, right? - Yeah. (laughing) - But you got, you know what I'm saying? - This was so viral that other fast food chains have been able to capitalize on it. So, like, they've come out with ads where they're like, we actually eat our burgers. - Oh, yeah, 'cause he doesn't even look like he enjoys McDonald's. - No! - He's McDonald's. - And, dude, that's half a pound of McDonald's beef. Two quarter pounds. I know you guys do the Fudge and Gay Metrics system. - Right. - The Gay Metrics system. - Okay. - That's half a time. (laughing) - The Gay Metrics system. - Why is it gay? - It makes it wrong. - Because it makes sense. And we don't like that shit. - You don't like that shit, right? - Plus the French use it, so like. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's what makes it gay. - I mean, what is freezing temperature? - Zero. - Yeah, like what the fuck is that supposed to mean? - Yeah. - Yeah. - It makes no sense. What's boiling? - 100. - Oh. - What the fuck is so illogical. (laughing) - You just can't make tens of tons of it. - Yeah, yeah. - It doesn't make any sense. - Right. You start at zero and you go to 100. like what the fuck is that crazy should be 32 I will give you that but what about the stone horse yet that's a pile. Yeah. Yeah, I live in England for over 30 years I still don't get it. Yeah, what it was still on kilograms. Yeah, yeah, off a pound People got no off a pound of pace But people still We're now do use miles sometimes, right? Isn't that like yeah, we use miles, yeah, but no Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're still on miles. We drive on the right side of the road and like you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, I'm gonna say right I mean the correct. Yeah, I'm also right. Yeah. Yeah. So only the rest of Europe uses kilometers. You're only the rest of your Muses. Have you always the miles? Yeah, we've always done That's what you got it from. Yeah, with all respect. I had no idea We gave it to you. You gave us just like your country. Yeah No, you didn't. Yeah, they took the country. Yeah, we gave it to them because they made us no I remember once my friend goes to me, do you want to go to Paul Revere's house? My no, no, I don't want to go to a fucking snitches out I got a snitches house. Yeah, this is a guy who betrayed my country. Yeah, he did welcome to the traitor museum. Yeah Yeah, do you do tea time? Do we do? I love a cup of tea. Oh, yeah. How do you take your tea? All right, it's got a bit look and there's not like a lot of real man. There's an art to tea. Yes, and that you Green goes. Yeah, yeah, you don't do it properly. We definitely don't know you don't have me milk some cafe Cafe my heart. Yeah, yeah, you see look at the dinner. Come on, but no, so you've got this. This is how it's done All right, and this is very important back in first bag in first T back. Yeah, yeah, you Whole water. Yeah, up to about I'm following you. Okay, I would say it I'd say seven eights of the way of the cut of the mug. Seven eight seven eights Look, you got to be specific. Okay, right? It's about 12 seconds. You take the bag out 12 seconds Wait, you leave the bag in for 12 seconds. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, no, it's nice. And then little splash your milk. Yeah, what kind of milk? There's only one kind of I'm not talking fucking not juice. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, and then you're fucking British Yeah, quick stir serve. Yeah, I'm most fascinated by the amount of time that the tea bag was 12 to about 12 seconds It's all you need so we need otherwise you're gonna stew the tea No, I don't believe this. I just have mine black Actually, the Russian no wait, which type of tea like bag would you prefer? So because there's obviously there's a lot you can choose from In the UK, we call it builders build this tea. Build is to which is if a builder comes round to your house Yeah, that's what you give him find it. Yeah, which please build is yeah, it's not a brand like this the shits on of them But okay, build this tea. Yeah, oh, so it is a black It's just a black tea. Yeah, a cheap black tea. No, well seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, and then you take it out and then little splash of milk stir and just that's perfect That's perfect. Okay, and that's what you want for your after Noonti or anytime a day anytime any time a day. Yeah, do you start your day with a cup of tea? I sometimes start my day with a cup of tea So here's a little fact. How do you shit? It doesn't make you shit. Yeah, I'm a coffee guy for that very reason. Oh, it's either coffee Austin water Both will do the job Austin tap water fuck my life. What is in that? I've never had it. Yeah correct decision. Yeah, yeah We drink tap water back on the first time we arrived. It's like three days later. Yeah, yeah, very very purge Thank you. There's like three cities in America that I would drink tap water Yeah, and this isn't one of them. Fuck no New York tap water. My god. That's what they say But that's what the New Yorkers say to fool you in a drink and that's yet you trust that he loves it I love it. Don't take away his joy Don't drink LAs either really no fucking way dude. I grew up there. No way. Do you want to give him access? All right, mr. Fulstad mr. Kissinger. Are you ready? Kissin. Wow. Kissin. You're putting me quite in the camera Governor, how do you say it? Kissin. Kissin. Kissin. Kissin. Kissin. You said it the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it. Say it the Soviet way Kissin. Kissin. Yeah, this is better. Okay. Okay. I don't know if you guys know this, but I am a curator of TikToks and I like to Focus on the marginalized communities. These are people that are underrepresented the outliers. I like to give these people a voice Good for you. Okay, go ahead Tom It's a nice way of introducing them to it Just email me your email saying you want my address and I will send you anything just mail me a thousand dollars for the hotel idea Thank you for the shirt. Yeah, and I will give it to you Are you in is this an only fans promo? No, just don't take it up. Okay, this seems like it's a message for one person, but yeah Your reaction by the way just so you know is how you're supposed to react right just so you know Yeah, you're not missing. Yeah, I feel like I'm missing something here. Nope. No, okay. All right, okay Do you know what the marginalized communities? I actually think the internet was a bad idea Yeah, we're saying a lady shave on a funny Look at me. She looks like one of the dinner ladies in school. Oh, my god. That's right Your dreams have come true my friend. I'm just shaving me minge. Yeah Smash your past Francis So you're in. Oh dear, of course. Yeah. Oh my god Just so you both know Christina put this together. Yeah, okay. I can say that. I feel as always should justify these fines For 20 years my husband has been torturing me with clips of cool guys being like girl want to eat your pussy Why don't you show them the kind of stuff that you fucking show them the opener from today? It's so awful 20 years of this. So now I'm fine. You're not a real eater if you don't eat the balls, too That's the best advice message for grind I've ever seen Well yesterday was my birthday. Oh my goodness had two shardies come over here They left with wet ass. It's glue all in their hair Matter of fact, I think one of them went to go to emergency there that some shit was in our eyes You couldn't get right to shit man left out of here with blood shot eye Shit all in the hair. Yeah, wet asses. Yep. We said it already. I said next time you come over here don't think you're gonna play with Our hammer your ass down That's America right there, man. What a gentleman. Yeah, so I want to tell everybody what I just did My woman ride my face and water for me and I loved it Am I wrong for loving the taste of a woman so much If I am Let me know when you drop David in the comments and hit that like chef say Taste so good So I show her stuff like this to you know a rouser and now finally did you ever go down on the girl Well, I did Last night Oh Trigger now my tree is a podcast you can listen Oh, man, let's get let's get back to what I have to show you so finally tiktok is the great equalizer now Finally women are having their chance to express themselves sexually in the same way that men have done I think I'm against that Well, why don't you see it first you go see oh my christ Well, okay, I like the music music was cool. Yeah, well, how does that make you feel? Yeah, I've turned on Super aroused This guy can drink beer through his nose Oh There's so many hidden talents out there. That's impressive. Yeah, that genuinely is yeah And you know when he was 19 years old and he was in college that was the trick. Yeah. Yeah, yep Totally that's when they should started. Yeah, I'm I'm betting hard against that he went to college That is a very cool trick to be like. Yeah agents man. They're just better at everything Emulations Kai said okay bare-puppet loose the shults is the geburt in full of ganger That's the bank end to people give birth from this position Yeah, yes, I have friend just do it this way. It's actually a better way to get a Simon expert. Yeah, is it real? - I've done it in my free time. - No, it's, you let in gravity do the work. - Yeah, it's better than laying on your back and like taking a shit in a bed. Like this way you can take a shit on your baby's head as it's coming out, which is what I'd prefer to do. - Yeah. - No, but I do imagine this feels better as a woman like to push bare down. - Do it, do it again. - Well you the heck? - Right off. - Yeah, you were, what'd you make of it? - Fucking awesome, all this shit came out. And then there was a baby, it was cool. - Yeah. - I mean, it took forever, man. I was just like, get the fuck push. What are you doing? - Yeah. - Lazy. - Yeah, super lazy. - So he was eating a breakfast burrito through my first labor. - Really, not the whole time. - He saved time. - I imagine she is a bit of a ranta in those moments, right? - Look, we got in there at three a.m., okay? I had to go get the dog out and on my way back. - Priorities. - I had to get a breakfast burrito. - Right. - And then I came back and then she's still, I'm like, where's the baby? She's like, I don't know if I can feel it yet. It's like, you know, she took, I don't know how long. Hours. It was ridiculous. So, so much fun. - How many kids do you have? - One. Were you there for it? - Yes. - Would you think of the miracle life? - I loved it. - Yeah. - Yeah, I loved it. It was kind of scary, though, because when he came out, they, he was either in there for two, I don't remember exact details, but they pulled some kind of fucking rip cord and they're like about 50 people stormed in. I was just like, standing at the wall like this, just like, and then 10 things like that. Oh, he's fine. I was like, well, why do you have to do that fucking thing, then? Right. But, apart from that, I actually really enjoyed it. - Did you really enjoy it? - Yeah. - The miracle of life. - I was delighted to be there. - This is Tom's reaction to everything. Like, oh, I just gave birth to our children. Go ahead and react. - Okay. (laughing) This barita is good. - Yeah. - They put number one under the oven, you know, the heat lamp. - Ellis or Son? - Yeah. - Right, your first one. - Yeah. - And then, oven is an interesting tip. (laughing) - And then I was like, what's up little dude? He grabbed my finger, that was adorable. - That was good, yeah. - The best was bringing him to see Julian number two. And Julian was in like the little bed, and I held Ellis. Ellis was like two and a half, and we looked down. I go, that's your brother, and he was like, let's go. (laughing) Don't bring that shit home. Like, oh, he's coming up. - Can I tell you something now? Like, did your wife shit while she was pushing? - I feel like it's a private information, but yes. - Okay, so I think it's very normal. I pushed out both of our boys. - Yeah. - He claims I never shit the bed. - Who claims? - He does. - All right. - He was there watching me push for hours and hours. - Yeah, well that's a good, no, no, that's how you know it's about to come out, isn't it? - Dude, yes. - That's what the midwife said. Oh, the shit is coming. Yes, there we go. The shit is here. - Well, yeah, the shit has arrived. - I didn't see shit come out, man. I don't know what to tell you. She keeps asking me, I'm like, I didn't see it. I didn't see shit. I just saw a bunch of, you know. - Blood, placenta. - Yeah, to do it and everything come out when the baby came out. - Yeah, it's beautiful. If anyone's listening, it's a great experience. - Yeah, you should do it a lot. - We're selling it well. - Yeah. - And then the baby, but I didn't see shit come out. And she's always like, tell me the truth. I'm like, I didn't see shit come out. - Why doesn't matter so much? - She's lying to me. - Yeah, I don't know why. - Because I didn't, because when you're doing that, I just need to know if I shit or not. I just want to know the truth. I feel like I didn't, I want to, I want to go back in time and look at it now with a mirror. Like I wish I would put a fucking mirror there so I could see what's happening. - I feel like you're misallocating your focus a little bit. - Well, tell me, what do you mean? - Well, you had a baby and then the little shit came out. Like, but I want to see the shit come out. I want to know what existed. I don't know why. - You see what she picks? - Yeah, that's fair. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, let's get to the bottom of the shit question. - We've got a friend of ours who's a comedian where he was present for the birth of his first child. He actually fainted. - He did? - Yeah, he literally fainted. - Like in the movies. - Watching it, watching a come out. - Yeah, he just went, wow. - Guy. - Yeah. - A little bit, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - I mean, come on, man up. - Yeah, man, dude. - That wouldn't, that, you wouldn't want that as a woman would you? - You're not gonna get any sympathy from your woman for that, right? - Yeah. - No. Yeah, I probably would. - What would you do if you fainted? - Fucking fat. - Yeah, I believe you should. - Okay, I'm over here, dude. - Yeah, I probably, honestly, in that moment, 'cause you're so angry, 'cause you've already been pregnant for nine months, you've already gone through it all. And now I'm giving birth, and you can't even fucking stand there. - Yeah, I did. - You know what I'm saying? Like, fucking stand there, bro. - I did, and I'm hungry. - Take the bait. (laughing) - Fucking hungry. - He's a little bit of shit to us to eat. - No, they should have better things to eat in hospitals. And they should have a bed for the dad to sleep in. Dude, let's give you guys that couch. - Yeah. - But you know how you were just like number one, and you're like, hit the name, is it? That's a very Latin thing. - Yes. - It's so Latin, 'cause-- - To not know your kids. - Yeah, my mom goes to me. Yeah, my mom goes to me. Mangaki, which means, come here. She goes, "Iran, Pedro, Weekman Well." Those are the names of her brothers. - Yeah. - Then she goes through the names of the cousins, and then she goes, "You, Muchacho, whatever your name is." - Yeah, yeah. - "Come here." I'm like, "Mom, I'm an only child." - It's just me. - Yeah. - It's just me, literally. And you can't learn the name. - Yeah. - She goes, "I know too many people." - I do too. I do too. - Yeah. - I always say the big one and the little one. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's how you do it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Come here. - A flaco y loturo. - Yeah. - That's cute. - Yeah. - Yeah. - All right, you need to show them. - All right, here's it, yeah. - Okay. - This meme, okay. - Oh, there's more. - Okay. - I hate this. So this guy, I like it, he keeps checking the camera. The robot that he can fuck and dance with. - I don't think he fucked that one. - No. - That is incredibly unappealing. - Yeah. (laughing) - There he goes. - He's a good dance partner. - I mean, if I go friends are coming, then you'd job that game. - Yeah. - I hated it. - And this is the one that she really wanted to show you, though. - Okay. - There we go. - Cerenobyl or Hungarian hospital? (laughing) I see that this building is in a quite bad condition. And to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Cerenobyl. (laughing) This building looks like it went through a lot. So I'm gonna go with Cerenobyl. I get it, but this is a Hungarian hospital. (laughing) I would say that this looks bad, but it's pretty standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or being in similar conditions. This building doesn't even have bolts. So it must be Cerenobyl. If you guess Cerenobyl here, like I did, then you were wrong. - Okay. - There you go. Is Russia any better than this, though? - I haven't been to back to Russia for a long time, but I used to go to Ukraine quite a lot. And that's exactly what toilets in Ukraine and hospital like. - Really? - Wow. - Yeah. - This is the most American podcast. - Hey, guys, you're so poor. (laughing) - Look at me. - Can't even afford a mother fucking hospital. - No, I can't. - At least it's her mother country, though. - This is my, it's only because I don't think Americans understand sometimes. - Oh, yeah. - And they're like, ooh, this country. Like I was getting on the freeway and I saw graffiti. It was like, the America's fascist. It's like, no, it's not, not truly. You guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Why don't you spend some time in a Hungarian hospital? There's like, people don't know how good they have it. - Oh, yeah. - 100%. - 100%. - I totally get it. - Yeah. - It really bothers me actually how little people understand. I always say, like, if you want to inoculate your children against being retarded, just like have them travel around the world, I feel so grateful that I have family I can visit in like poorer parts of the world in Ukraine and Armenia and other places. 'Cause that is like a vaccine against stupidity. - Yep. - A vaccine against a gratitude. A vaccine against this share of like, "Oh, America and Britain are so terrible." And look, sometimes countries go in a bad direction but still we are so lucky. - Still. - Incredible. - Still at the top of the food chain, bros. - Yeah. - You want to be born on the side of the thing, yeah. - Cool. - You do not want a toilet like that. - No. - Fuck. So should we take the kids to Hungary this summer? I don't think. - No. - When's a good age to start taking them to show them the plate? - How old are you? - 10 and seven. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Right about now. - Oh, right about now. - Right about now. - Yes, this summer. - Budapest is actually really nice. - No. Budapest is beautiful. - Take them to a hospital. - Again. - I'll be in the central pay, you guys. (laughing) - Oh, we gotta go. But everybody buy Francis Foster's new book, Uneducated. - Yes, please. - My life as a teacher. Why you should never become one amazing. - And listen to Trigger Nometry, everywhere you can get podcasts. What's your favorite place for people to access the show? YouTube. Watch it on YouTube. Thank you guys both for coming in. - Thanks for having us. - Love you guys. - And I hope you have some brisket while you're in town. - Always. - Okay. - Thank you. - All right. We'll see you guys next time. Bye. (upbeat music) - Come on. - Come on. - Yeah! - When I'm sweating, you're not sweating. When I'm sweating, you're not sweating. - Just go down, please. I can't understand. When I'm talking, you're not talking. You're speaking English as Spanish-Casas. But it's always perilous for me. Slow down as to case. How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? You cover? How you say it? You cover? Are you safe? Are you safe? You come back? Are you safe? Are you safe? Are you safe? You come back? When I'm talking to you, I can never break your fucking leg. This is why yes, we'll have to like, just not hear about it in the show. Snap, snap, snap, snap. Snap, you fucking leg, snap, snap. Do you know that, Judge? Judge? When I'm talking to you, you're not fucking. Snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, you fucking leg. Snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap. Snap, you're fucking leg. How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? You come back? How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? You come back? How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? You come back? Snap, you're not fucking. How you say it? You come back? Snap, snap, you're not fucking. How you say it? You come back? Snap, snap. You're not fucking. Snap, snap, snap. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. How you say it? How you say it? You come back? How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? How you say it? You come back? Snap, snap. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. Snap, snap, snap. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. You're not fucking. Gotcha. When I'm setting you're not fucking. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap.