Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

(upbeat music) - Eggs at this hour? - Eh, I like eggs. - I like eggs too. - Which one with eggs in the afternoon? - Yeah, let's start on that. - Yeah, let's go. - All right, eggs. - I like an egg in the afternoon. - Hell yeah, freeze your eggs. - Yeah? - No. - Anybody freeze in their eggs is? - In trouble? - Well, they're a- - It might be a career gal. - They're not excited. - I don't think so. - What does that mean? - I think they're like, ah, let me shelf this. - Well, literally, they're shoving it. - They're shoving it, yeah. Otherwise, you'd want to get pounded and gizzed in. - Yeah, but some people have demanding jobs. Some people, what if we're talking like a road comic, a female road comic, maybe she's not ready. - All right, all right, it's a good point, but we know a lot of female comics with kids. - Yeah. - Who didn't freeze? - True. - I'm just saying if you freeze, you're more likely to go, ah, you know what, screw it. - So you're saying freeze, never good, huh? - I'm saying- - Cops, they say freeze, you're in trouble? I'm doing side belt now. - Mr. Freeze? - Mr. Freeze? - Chill out. Cool down. - Yeah, but you might have just pissed off our two female listeners. - Ah, ah, ah, I might have upset them. - I just know a lot of people have frozen, and then they never did anything with it. - Yeah, but then what's the harm in it? - No harm. - I'm not saying this harm. - It's like hoarding, but for- - It's hoarding. - Mm. - So there is a debate on whether or not frozen eggs, you can destroy them. Is that an abortion? Is it a life? - Whoa. - It's like definitely the step before the abortion. - I don't think it's an abortion. - No, 'cause I believe they're fertilized eggs if you have the man. - Ooh. - Yeah. - Oh. - So it's actually technically a kid to some people. - Is that right? - See, bring jizz in and they put it in the egg. - Yeah. - Wow. That's a fun little science experiment. - I'm so stupid, I thought you freeze the egg and you put the jizz in later. - I thought so too. But if, like what's her name, Vigara from- - Sophia Vigara. - Yeah, she did that. She had children, I guess, babies of embryos that were disseminated on ice. They got a divorce and there was a custody battle for those eggs. - Whoa. - Damn. - That's a hell of a Easter. - I don't know, I don't know. I'll look at it later. - Wow, you see? She knew. - That should have been a modern family. (laughing) - That's even more progression than the gay couple. - That's very modern. - That was a big deal. Remember, they were like two gay guys. - Yeah, yeah. Will and Grace, don't get me started. - Oh, that's true. - Yeah. Norma, that great joke. He's like, we're all deeply homophobic 'cause every time Will's like, I have a hot date to the crowd laughs. Like, why are we like, he's a gay guy, he's dating a man. Why is that funny? - I don't think I've ever seen the show. - It was fine. It was, you know, very '90s laugh track studio audience. - Yeah. - It was just, it was just a million gay jokes. - So, Sophia won the long running legal battle over her frozen embryos against her ex-fiancee, Nick Lowe. - I think that's fair 'cause the eggs are harder to come by and no pun intended than jizz. - Jizz is everywhere. I'm avoiding jizz all day long in the subway. - Yeah, yeah. - It cost so much to freeze jizz, you fucking, you were throwing it out constantly. - Tissue, socks, face. - Making up our guest today. - Stips socks. - Oh, there you go. It's all jizz-based. - That was the whole, remember putting the sock in the door? - Oh, yeah, that was the whole thing. You put it on the door, don't come in. - Meaning, hey, dad, back off. - Well, you don't do, is it like a roommate? - Oh, oh, oh, god, yeah, if your dad's that fucking cool. - (laughs) - Dad's like mothalon, you're like, I'm jacking off. - (laughs) - I'm, I'm tugging. - It's like a do not disturb for, for losers. - Oh, wait. - Yeah. - We're just tugging jizz. - Oh, we're the middle of the jizz. - Oh, a little espresso, I like it. - Oh, buddy. - We're debating. Did you guys put a sock on your door when you jerked off when you had roommates? - No. - I didn't plan that. - I mean, it may have been more a movie thing. - That's kind of a trope thing, yeah. - Yeah, okay. Just checking. - Wouldn't you just lock your door? - Not every door is a lock. - Mmm, dope. - I let them at lower. - You can lock your door? - I remember in the fraternity, we had bunk beds, and we put shower curtains over our bed. - Uh-huh. - And so whatever happened, that was like, the do not disturb was the shower curtain, yeah. - Over the bed. - And it was like, everybody knew, but nobody was saying anything. - 'Cause you could feel the jiggle of a jury. - You're hoping for it. You know, a little Mormon soak tug action, you know? - Sure, yeah. - The air cup top is jerking hard now, if you get a little motion in the ocean. - It's like the quarter of the hotel, you know? (laughs) - Now we're just doing old movies. - All right. (laughs) - You know what, the premise of the show is-- (laughs) - Yeah, listen, see, we should have sent you the transcripts, this is old movie top. - You guys were doing the sock on the door, no. - I know, I think you're going maybe a couple of times, yeah. - You're quick? - The amount of time we'd take me to put a sock on, I'd be done. - I'm quick. - Wasn't it not a sock, wasn't it like a necktie? Wasn't it like a necktie? - I didn't know it was a sock. - That's getting laid. - Yeah, if you were doing so, maybe. - Yeah. (laughs) - And it was a fedora if you were getting pegged. (laughs) - I'm starving. - I don't think you'd want, it college feels very like you'd want to brag, like you'd want to, like, even if you weren't fucking, you'd put a tie on it. - That's a good point. - Yeah, just open the door, you're just crying in there. (laughs) - I'm coming out of my eyes. (laughs) - I didn't even own a tie in college, I don't think. - I don't think I did either. - I don't know if I own a tie now. - You, I think-- - I have a tie. - Well, I have two ties to go to a funeral recently, and I looked at my two ties. I've won with polka dots, I'm like, I can't wear that one. - It's too cheerful. - The polka dot, and the other one was like a skinny tie, I'm like, what, I think it was like in the reservoir dogs. What am I doing here? - I don't even have a foot loose. - This is what you end up doing, a couple of times. - I did no tie. - No tie, no tie, you can't go back to a funeral. - No tie, Hawaiian shirt, and, yeah. - His dad is a deadbeat, so no tie is appropriate. - Was it your dad? - No, no, no. - Who was it? - Who was it? - Who was a family member? - That tough. - Yeah, I didn't mean to bring the mood down. - Well, but it's family, then it's like, oh, that's Sam, he would do it. - Oh, it's our prop guy. - This is a joke. - This is a land as flat. - He's our prop guy, probably top of the outfit. - Let's see how we do it. - Let's see. - I mean, it's pretty basic, I'm not good at this. - Well, you're going no look. - Okay, here we go. - No, you got it. - Oh yeah, you nailed it. - Oh yeah. - But you know, there's like-- - That guy's done a corporate gig once or twice. - Oh yeah, or a brisk. - What's that? - That bad? - Not bad. - I mean, honestly, it's probably not bad. - He's in the dark, yeah. - I might have gone too long in the tail here. - Avril Lavigne looks terrible. (laughing) - Who, why do we have a tie? - I have no idea. - You have a tie here. - You have a my tie. - What was this? - This water? - That's some cell serp for you. Watch out for my egg wrap, I didn't finish it. - Still be great. - Your egg wrap is just there, huh? - I'm letting it-- - It's looking rough. - Yeah, I'll finish it when you guys leave. - Between Chios. - Are these tits? - Yes, nice. - Okay, and what's the story behind these? - Well, apparently, trade park from South Park's wife sent these to us? - Yeah, I don't know why. I think we've talked about how much we love South Park a lot. - Tits. - Tits. - Tits. - Yeah, there's another pair right there. - Oh wow. - Those are Christy Noems husbands. - Hey. (laughing) - Yeah, so these were just sent as what, just kind of like thinking about you or like, okay, what do you buy these? Can you just buy them anywhere online? - Yeah, I'm sure, they're great stress relievers. - It does feel like kind of like the 80s. She like fidget toy era. - Yeah. - That type of thing. Like, you can give this to a kid stem down. He'd be all up. - So, but these feel much softer than the real felt the fake breasts before. - They felt the fake breasts, but I never felt-- - Like a doorknob? - These were nice. (laughing) - That's what I'm saying, it feels fidgety. - Oh yeah. - What we got? - That's a regular water, if you want it. - Okay, now here we go. - Hey, now you got a dig and a boob. - So, what's going on, fellas? How are we doing? You guys are on the road more than anybody I know. - I've been off it for a minute. - Really? - You guys go pretty hard, don't you? - Yeah, but I don't-- - We go pretty hard, but not like you gents in the middle of it. I feel like you don't see New York for like months at a time. - No. - I know. - We go on the weekends, we come back in the week. - Okay, well what I'm seeing, I feel like you guys don't see New York for fucking months. - Well, you guys are doing the road out of LA, which is so much harder. - It sucks. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, it's all the dates on the time. - Yeah, going to Columbus, oh hi, you probably gotta leave it day early, right? - Maybe that early, and then we wake up at 2 p.m., and then cool sound checks in 15 minutes. - Ooh, yeah, that's it. - I don't do sound check. - I don't do that. - I just figure if someone's going to eat it with the mic, it's going to be my open ear. They'll figure it out by then. - Wait, oh, so they just fucking up when your openers on? - Yeah, it's me and Gary Veter. We both talk like this. I figured, how early do you get to the place? - Well, you even have some of the shit holes, minglewood hall, and you're just like the lighting is awful, and you're just like, you're like, "Thank God I got here to adjust a little bit," or you're like, "What kind of aesthetic do I have as a comic?" I don't know what it should look like. - It almost looks better for you if it is bad lighting. - You're saying that. - I mean, I've got a cool guy going there and doing for me, don't you have the same thing, right? - Yeah, it's a guy. They have comics all the time. I go, "Do what you did for the last guy?" That's it. - Yeah, like as Nate Jackson, you can see the whole crowd, you're like, "Fuck." - No, yeah, I told you, I want to dim, though. Sound normal dim lighting. - Oh yeah, I don't want to see the crowd's faces. - All right, so that's where I go into Checkport because he likes to see the crowd. - I need to see like the first five rows. I like to check. - Wow. - Because when I fuck around with them and then too, it oddly centers me, if I can look at their faces, as opposed to just staring into middle distance, I don't know what's happening. And then I have so much ADD that if I'm looking at the darkness, almost all of a sudden my brain goes, "Man, he's been sure it was a good movie," and I'm like, "Fuck, if I'm looking at somebody, it locks me in." - Yeah, I hear you. See, do you ever have a thing where you're killing in a dark theater and you're like, "Man, I'm killing." And then you look down at one guy, and then you look at another guy, and you're like, "None of them are laughing." But I'm getting booming pops, but then you're like, "I see no one going, they're just going like. " - You zone in on the bad one. - Yeah, yeah. - But it's not like a dark, because the one person folding their arms is all thinking about the whole thing. but Marin used to have a bit like way back in the day that uh. that he was doing this gig and he's killing and there's this one guy in the front row and like a biker looking guy just look furious and after the show he goes hey man you like the show and the guy was like yeah it was great and he was like oh shit that means that guy lives in my head the guy who hates this shit the guy who's like yeah but not everyone has a good time by just going like nuts I know I know people who like don't really like right right sure of those jobs that they're like laughing a lot like that fucking sucked I'm like I hated you I kind of like seeing someone not have having fun really because yeah because it gives me something to do oh cuz then I just saw yelling jokes mad at them wow like I will fucking break you and then you go one by one yeah but once I break them then I'd like to let the audience know that this guy fucking doesn't like me he doesn't laugh hmm what's gonna make you laugh what do you want to talk about and he said you know I mean it makes it basically kind of fun it gets me out of my stupid yes I don't know what someone's going to like I might be going through like you make a diagnosed with like stage four cancer yeah then we got a crowd work for you I think for cancer I can use that yeah that's good stuff keep going how much longer do you have left yeah we got 15 to all right we'll time it perfectly you start lighting life it's curtains for you so wait you guys are at the improv yeah we did a new birthday improv last time it's pretty good I did a last week yeah brand new at the middle of nowhere where in Brooklyn is it Williamsburg right next to Huxen hotel yeah it's a cool room it's a it's 200 you got to upstairs and downstairs yeah it's got a cool little black box to it was really fun like acoustically it's awesome they treated it well it was so fun yeah the green room is nice it's world's colliding you're in shower back there yeah yeah you're in hipster Brooklyn and then you walk in as a picture of Theo Vaughan and you're like you guys have no idea the demo Theo Vaughan and Joe Rogan are the first two like portraits you see you know they do those big ones on the wall yeah and I'm like boy you guys got to get a bam we got a Marie Bamper and a patent Oswald near quick where in Williamsburg folks that's fun you should definitely do it I think they're gonna do like weekends and stuff there yeah like like a headline or weekend yep yep yeah well they're so new that they're kind of just like we'll take whatever whatever fills the room yeah I'm like a little bit where they're not too stickler on like it has to be right or not I love the improv I do think it's a mold choice to go put that fucker in Midtown yeah they got the free room we're not free but they got a nice room out of it yeah I mean it's on a side street so it doesn't get a lot of foot traffic yeah it's great it's great parallel Williamsburg used to be dangerous now it looks like Paris it's crazy yeah Colin Quinn used to have that bit about you take the L train back in the day you're gonna get stabbed now it's like a ski lift you know you're right it's just so safe and nice and I don't know yeah it just comes out of nowhere you know it's like a warehouse and you're like improv yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's good room they did a good job with it what did you what did you want I don't like a week and a half ago just like showcase showcase Tuesday night or something you will do anything that's true I respect you but you will do and I mean I respect that choice I respect you as a human obviously but you just do what like I it's you should have seen me in college sexually he had a fedora on his door my name was big yeah I'll see you on podcast it'll be like episode one it'll be like the graveyard pod and it's like out of like Penn State and I'm like just some rain yeah just him and Sandusky yeah it'll be like the first episode they've ever done a second college student like first this mark normally how the fuck do they get marked well you know I used to be real lonely on the road back in the day you know you'd be like oh you're doing a four-night weekend was Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday so yeah you're like oh this guy wants to hang out with me in the middle of the day on Sunday I'll go what else am I doing yeah so that's why I would do this would you do a cure now now just too lazy I got a kid and and they don't really move the needles so you end up like spending 40 bucks on it over there the guys like setting up you got to have lunch with them and hang out with them then you got to over back and you're like that was my whole day what am I doing like drug deal we're just waiting for it to happen right we just get the thing going already yes and you got to have that you got to have time to ride on the road to you got to have the show you know totally yeah point remember drug deals remember waiting for the weed guy oh great I saw weed nath grade so I really yeah because I had a ninth grade friend he was like my plug and he he like broke me off like an ounce he's like this is your ounce to distribute and I got punked by a guy who punked me which is pretty funny what do you mean I give a eighth grade I give a guy 20 bucks to buy me weed yeah and on Sunday I gave it to him he doesn't turn my calls no nothing Monday morning we have math class together remedial math we're both dumb we're like you know we're the eighth grade six graders so we're both dumb and I'm like hey what happened I give you $20 for weed where did that go and he was like oh man you know cops and just just never had any explanation you know cops is so you know cops know but I'm such a bitch I'm not gonna say anything and then like two months later I start selling weed and then he starts buying weed off of me oh man I was selling out of my parents house and he called me this is like on the weekend I like one in the morning meet him outside I give him the whatever and then he calls me like ten minutes later he's like hey this doesn't look like the amount I paid for I'm shitting bricks I don't have a scale I'm an eighth grade I don't know what a gram is you're a remedial man true so I'm like yeah this looks like a gram so he calls me he's like yeah this doesn't look like a proper amount he's outside with three other dudes and like I here's just a handful the same guy that stole money from right yeah I was just so nervous I was like I think it might be the worst I'm too Jewish to be a drug deal I think well how'd you hide it from the folks I mean I think my mom would smell that shit she'd go through my room I had I played a lot of paintball growing up in those bags we have these like giant duffle bags and it just smelled like sweat and like oh yeah now just hide it in like under the paintballs man what are you California kid yeah so that San Diego close enough all right you're probably an hour outside of LA like you've done like Oxnard yeah yeah yeah over there wow what a lot paintballs a kid oh I love it that was my adrenaline that was like my dear the kids are ducking in schools for different reasons it's true it's a painball if anything yeah wow paintballs a kid what a life I didn't once and it was fun as hell like they fucking hurt yeah really it's the adrenaline when you get hit you're not really feeling but then the next day you kind of like a welder so you get to pick the color that you got kind of really kind of yeah yeah white it's been great man yeah it's been a good run yeah you can pick the color paint or whatever but it's fun I never shot a paintball never done it you ever do it if you're on the road one of those bum-ass towns like the most random towns have it it is yeah it's not gonna move the needle but yeah it's a random activity and it is pretty fun but that's how I would get my adrenaline out of the kid just playing paintball I played that for like four or five years took off my closet to get my I would do that too but yeah you know that's a nighttime activity that is yeah not not in my life it was just it was just whenever I needed you were gooned up oh yeah day afternoon after eating and and you notoriously would just come on the ground and not clean it up I don't feel really I do that no it tells thank you you're the first you know when you live you had a stain in his old department has worked as where laptop the ground had a lake michigan of seamen just whoa yeah we're just going to fall through the floor you get to the net of jizz but hold you up come on the floor yeah there we go I might be that guy was backed up that guy holy shit that's a lot damn that's like Elmer's that that top left one that's not even that's a kidney stone this is all evidence this is crazy every producer laptop should be testing you who's on HBO right but we only took it and actually back to jizz they had an actual actual sperm cell that one looks fake tail on that's that's one of those poppers I think these are some of these are fake well I would like to I would like to oh I know jizz first I know jizz very well you that's blood um so you do that you're the first person that I've ever jumped on board with me coming on the ground no everyone's like dude what are you coming to suck and come on the towel yeah on the ground right yeah sure it's a carpet that's what thank you yeah that's like a sham wow it just absorbs it yeah it's also it's also like it's carpet it's also not my carpet so like it's fine well it's so easy to just come into a tissue though isn't it no it's my life I like to be free yes just be free yeah we didn't have paintball we had to see all day we just shoot it was fun you know let it fly yeah spider-man it's just funny to equate freedom is like I'm gonna come wherever I feel like it but isn't would think about those words isn't that the most freeing thing like this is America I'll definitely don't tell this to a black guy he didn't he couldn't pick his color people damn dude no that's crazy I I've never heard of this yeah coming on the floor oh it's just you never heard of this well I mean I'm I mean I believe this guy you definitely come on my thought I've come in the hand before when he really had sex because I was too scared to finish on her so my coach come in the hand and then I would just walk over to the sink general poor kid with like it's like porridge you know I just felt too disrespectful so I was like I don't know here I don't yeah what did you do with it it's like the sink it's like human Eucharist that you just clean it off you clean it off it clean you know but I'm just curious about the post I regret when you see nut on the floor and then it goes away quick it goes away yeah especially the carpet because think about a hotel carbus yeah look at that that's my juice that is yeah yeah I know that room well that that's a little like a kid's room yeah yeah I'm gonna never (both laughing) - Yeah, every apartment has ever had, and I didn't even see it. - So you know, but you're leasing them. - No apartment. - No, no, yeah. - Ooh. - Not now, it's been very, very good. - Oh, sure, there was a line. - Yeah, but when I get that sperm deposit back. - No, I've been good at my current apartment, but when my apartment before this, it would floors, and he was mentioning it. I literally brought this one. - What? - I brought this one on the pod, and I thought I didn't like risky business. - I swore to it, I thought it was normal. I go, I go, yeah, man, I had a weird moment. I was like, oh, it was so backed up on the ground, that it took a butter knife, and I was starting to clean it, 'cause you're using 409 wasn't working. And Trev goes, what the fuck are you, you come on the ground, and I was like, yeah, you don't, and it was this massive thing. But yeah, I remember, dude, I was like, I was like a full adult with a butter knife. - Definitely don't make me scrambled eggs after that. - Jesus Christ, yeah. - Yeah, it was not, not my finest moment. - Country cock. - Jesus Christ. - That is hilarious. - See, you did it for years. - Years. - Heartwood. - Years. - That is the problem with men. Like when men are alone for too long, we will just do shit. - So stuck in your ways. - Yeah, literally. - On the ground, yeah. - You need a woman every once in a while to be like, what the fuck are you doing? - Right, right. - That's good for you. - Now, let me ask you this. Buckle up, boys. You ever jizzed outside on grass? The only time I jizzed on a golf course. - Whoa! - That's the widest story I've ever heard. - Holy shit, how does that work? - Hitting from the whites. - Yeah. - But you're having sex, right? - Yes. - Oh, okay. - Did you yell for? (laughing) - For inches. - For inches. - I all did the same thing. - I just got once in a river bank, but that was cool. - Whoa, that's pretty good. - Yeah, it was me and three of my friends were all just walking to Taco Bell in high school. I'm like, what if we all just jerked off right now? - The whole idea was that. - I don't know, but nobody combatted it. So all three of us went like separate ways and just note, this was like pre-cell phones having internet. So we're all just going into imagination. - Whoa. - Gold now, we're heading to Taco Bell, getting to Chalupa and we're like, let's just try to all go jerk off. - Yeah, you heard that bell. - You're literally a guy's brain, yeah. - You're a kid, you're watching wild things, a lesbian scene comes on. - Sure. - You know what we're doing. - It's like a fear factor, it's like fear for you. I'm like, let's find out. That's why I'm most random jerk. - I used to have a bit about how me and my friends would jerk off together. And I was like, I got a killer new bit and then I didn't have a black room and they were like, what the fuck is that? - Fuck with that. - I was like, this is not. - Did you do it in the urban room? - Yeah, how'd it go? - Not well. - Really? - But I get a bit. - Hell no. - Oh no. (laughing) - No, no. - That's a little crush in a white room if you get a old hell no, urban room. - It was a premise on it. - It was just how we were just jacked off together and we'd pass a bottle of lotion around. Like it was a whiskey in the war. - That was part of it, you know. - It's great. - Like in the same room. - Oh yeah, yeah. - I never do that. - I never do that. - Yeah. - Yeah, we just use it out of respect. It's like, the urinal garbage is a pillow to kind of shield the penises. - Oh, you guys were like next to each other. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You got you. - Hell no. - No. - I never did that. - Yeah, definitely did it. - Separate rooms. - But why would you guys go into different rooms? - Well, they only had one TV. - You had them, baby. (laughing) - Fuck man, let's go have fun. - Well, we had the pamphlet at the top of the section and showed up, so we had to do it, yeah. - You guys like sell that around town, like a blockbuster? - No, like we just kept it to ourselves, like gollum. - Really? - Yeah. - My friend's older brother had a playboy and he let my friend have it and then he did the same thing. He gave me a pump lotion, ripped out a page and here you go. - That's cool. - This is the only page I get, though. - Uh-huh. - He had a whole magazine, I get one page, was like, do I got to get the premium or something? - It's like, use the EBT, just fuck you. (laughing) - But I'm so funny, he didn't even look. He's ripped it out. It's like, it could have been the ads in the bag. - Right. - Going into a lessons pool supply. (laughing) - That was just one problem in my hands. - You hope you got a cool bodega guy. When you're like 14, you're like, I don't know what the internet was and what it is now. So you go and you're like, oh dude, there's this Indian guy with a lazy eye. He works Tuesday through Thursday. He'll send, he'll sell you like a club magazine or something. - Aw, I was lazy so on the left side, you could grab it 'cause you couldn't fucking say. - Indian guy, when you're finished, he said, come again. (laughing) - Great. - I had to do it. - So that's where you'd get it? It was just like a-- - Yeah, and it was same shit. - You kind of, you trade, you go, I got this one next week, you got this one next week. - I hope you won. - Yes. - Look at all the graphics. You're like, didn't use to be. (laughing) - Seaman Shinin. - Yeah, when I was a kid, we, you know, pre-earned a porn, we'd go to Bourbon Street and you could just see tits. - Oh, and then just keep that in your memory. - Keep it up here, it's Bank Bank. And it was like, you know, real life. What do you call it, a high death. - Horse? - High death tits. - Yeah. - You know, crystal clear. - Yeah, the first pair of tits I ever saw was that a water park in the wild. - Whoa. - There was a, like a, there's a water bucket type thing that would just pour. And then this lady was staying under the, didn't know shit or brawn. And I must have been like seven. The water bucket hit it, it just out. She didn't really know me at all. I was like, I felt like I was like, you know, Paul Revere was like, who do I tell about this? - Yeah, I was like, yeah. - Give from God, it feels like a thank you for this. - Yeah. - That's so rare. Just one time I was on the highway, I was a kid. And I was probably like 12 with a bunch of other dudes driving around and a woman was on a back of a Harley. - Oh shit. - Grizzled, horrific, I mean, looked like Salicus. And she just went, saw some carful of boys and she was like, she had the pancakes, the fuckin' leathery, yeah, just gross, maybe some nipple hair. But we were like, ah! - I think they gave me a version of like the truckers. - Yeah. - Anyway, a guy does that, he's in prison. - True. - A woman does it like, all right, true. We loved her. - Yeah. - I remember we were in school and there was a hotel across from our school and there would just be women changing sometimes. And word would get around the class, you know, whispered or someone you're like, hey, dude, and the teacher would, you know, like, you keep whispering. And then finally, you know, you'd always be the one kid to yell at. There's kids! - I feel like, all right, so everyone would see it. And the teacher would usually be like, all right, that was cool. - Everyone's one of the comedy stories that hotel across like the Pendry or something like that. Everybody's hanging on the patio, they'll see people fuckin' a lot. - Really? - Yeah. - Broadway. - That's why everybody hangs out on the patio. (laughing) - Yeah, when I worked in New York, we're in New York. When I worked in New York, in Me Packing District, there was a spice market, big hotel next to it. And I worked outside and literally one person would catch someone fucking. The entire balcony would just turn and watch. The whole thing would stop. - It's like a shooting star, you have to look. - You have to. - Oh, damn, that's fun. - Oh, it's fun. - See if people were fucking, it could be homeless. You gotta stop, you gotta watch. - Yeah. - You ever seen that on the trains? - You see people fuckin'? - I don't think I've seen fuckin'. I've seen a lot of jackin'. - A lot of jackin', a lot of makin' out, a lot of grindin'. You get some real grindin' out there. - You know what's almost worse than seeing a guy jack on a train to someone with, like, smelly food? - Ah. - Like, pungent food is like, it's a lot. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - 'Cause joking off, it's a one shot. - You can miss it. - Right. - Or the clippin' the toenails is the big one. - Oh, yeah, that's like a thing. - Is that the hotel? - What a great grab. This is literally it. - Oh, yeah, he used to live outside of there at a tent. - Yeah, this is from his actual camera. - How did you do this? - I know that place, I go in there. - Oh, that's like, go in there. - It's partin' goon in spot. - Dude, this is a Revex somewhere. - I mean, if you are homeless, that's where you hang out. - Totally. - That's where you could pop a peek at a tin. - Oh, that's smart. You could cover the face, not the body. - Yeah. - Look at that. - Yeah, dude. And just so much like, just like-- - And what street is this on? - It's specific. (laughing) - It's on the west side. - Yeah, it's the standard hotel. It's actually kind of famous for this. - Oh, great. - Yeah, people have sex there, they're exhibitionists and they do that. - Ah. - Yeah, the entire outfit. - What the fuck? I'm imagining a maid there. Why isn't this door opening? It's unlocked. (laughing) - Is there a hat on it? - God damn, that's something, if I found out as a kid, I would like keep that memory. And then when I go to New York first, I'm like, we gotta go to the stands. - Oh yeah, I don't mind, let's go to rents. Like, shut the fuck up. - I don't know who rents that. - You're in a pack, you know what I'm saying? - Yeah, I can eat somewhere else. I don't get why, I think kids don't give a shit about this. They got only fans, they got, you know, porn-up kids. - And kids are more about probably, like, the birds and the bees, like, if you were to give a kid the birds and the bees, like, they probably know more than a parent would. - Totally, totally. They know, like, you know, anal stuff and rim job. - Yeah. - I don't think our parents are eating that. - Kids are hooking up in the high school now, like, stick a finger in my ass. - Exactly. - It's probably so fucking advanced, I'm not good at this. - What do you think the bases are now? - Oh, what's first? - Yeah, what's, dude, what is-- - First is choking now, I'm serious, I think. (laughing) - I haven't kissed anyone yet, but I choked the fuck out of it. (laughing) - Wait, wait, what are the old bases? Just so I remember-- - Oh, okay, let's just kiss. - First is kiss. - Second is feeling tits. - Yes, okay. - 30s fingers? - What about shortstop? What are we doing there? - Oh. - That's for door, that's a cleave. - That's a cleave. - In third bases is oral, I think, yeah. - Okay, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had anybody say they had a home run. I think fingering is basically third base. You're like, it's, you're on, you're on-- - I mean, that's shortstop. - Yeah, maybe that's shortstop. - You're on, you're in between second and third. - Oh, right, 'cause it's, it's feeling finger than flascio. Okay, so yeah, shortstop is, would be fingering. So where are we at now? - Yeah, it's starting and choking. - Choking and it's pegging. - Yeah. (laughing) - Third is, cuck yourself. (laughing) - Yeah, who was fucking a home man? - He's like Furby, like suck your own fucker. - Furby? - Furby, yeah. Third base is just like, here's Carl, this is my buddy, let him do the work. - Yeah. - Your parents walk in, that's getting picked off. (laughing) - Right. - By the way, it's being you, only fans. Didn't you just do a Skitma Sofie reign? - No. - No? - Uh-huh. - Absolutely not. Anyways, you were jerking here. Your mind was blurry. - No, I don't think I was that. - If it's the one you're talking about yesterday, it was a girl's CC. - Oh. - I think they all kind of, you know, cross paths in some sense. - You know what's beautiful about pre-internet guys? Is, you're on the West Coast. You're on the East Coast. I'm down. South. What do you? New York knows that's Maryland, so he's okay, and we all knew the bases. It is traveled pretty Cool is that you know, it's like we all knew about Richard gear with the gerbil nests. Yeah, there's no no no one calls Yeah, what are they doing like Europe like cuz you're not you don't do baseball in Europe, right? What are their Fuck yeah, do you score you know it feels right? What is that holy shit, dude? That's a great wow what is it cricket? What is it? Cricket is all is all see isn't it? I guess it's in Europe too. You can't go my side. You never get late. 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You know you go see this round town Yeah, yeah, I'm like a one-wheeled guy and I think I'm so cool and then I invite her in my room And I'm taking so long taking off all my like That's great that she's just like laying there. I'm like, you know, just like a low-cut shirt Then she's like, okay, I think I'm just gonna leave pull it up cuts to I've been posted Oh, yeah, which is cuts to me. Just bang in a one-wheel. So I just I think those one-wheel guys really need more hate and Yeah, what is a one-wheel look like they're like what type in the electronic they were they were on their own Yeah, they're really big in the L.A. culture Salah Q says I'm doing his job anymore because he's seen her tits. Oh, you're another one with her. This is the one I posted Jesus It's high-brow comedy Trevor's like we're working on a movie together too right now just uh Damn, yeah, just type in e e you see Yeah, that's a festival Well, you ever see these guys around town. What I feel like New York definitely has a lot of these guys They're always decked out with crazy sunglasses. There's a lot of leather, but like there's so much that you have to wear that Just living your rest of your life after you get off. It's gonna be so annoying. Right. Oh my god. They fall a lot Yeah, cuz there's no pretend like seatbelt like if you get hit you're flying and you got to carry that around all night Too like heaviest at the bar get a fucking bike. What's it? What is the purpose? I don't understand. It's Transportation, but is it like good? Is it like kind of a workout because you got a balance or no? Shit, but yeah, they're fast and they the the community about them They're bobbin and we even they're doing everything, but I just think that any more hate and they love the attention Yeah, we always had the the 360 cameras, but they look like they're going just full axioms I mean, he's got a motorcycle like a vest holy shin guards and everything and So I had to learn how to ride one of those first catch and then really? Yeah, yeah, whoa I'm still I still can't even do the hoverboard Did any part of you like it? That's the worst part I know you're like this is kind of sick. Yeah, get it And then you're googling where to get one and how about used but yeah, the thought of it you become the thing you hate I just had a lot of times. I mean, I used to hate on ice bath guys so fucking much. I'm like, you guys are such losers Cold plunge, but then I tried and I'm like I feel fucking incredible. I feel like a dog after a bath. I just want to sprint laps So many comedians have horrible ADD and we like to shit on lame fads, but like this shit helps like I'll be locked in for like two hours I feel really you've never done it. I can't I'm weak. I'm weak with the cold. You got to do it. It's like oh my you feel You've never felt this feeling before really. It's like come out of the closet. It feels fucking yeah All right shit. Yeah, it's it's a quick boost of like endorphins which it just feels I just put a toe in and I'm like Yeah, it sucks. It's just get through like two minutes of yeah of suck for two hours of like I know and I feel great. That's great. I know the road and you show a bunch of like kind of haze from traveling and shit Yeah, yeah, yeah, I found a place in Denver and then I did it once and then we were doing a weekend there So I just went every single day of pre-shows Wow, you feel great all right and a lot of those places are they've all bunch of shit So like loungy then there's like the sauna's a steam. I love that shit. You got type of shit Do you a sauna took cold or just shit? Yeah, like both. Yeah, dude I think that would be a good like first step into it. Okay. Go sauna go like 20 minutes get like love sauna Oh, but super duper hot and then go into the cold so like it doesn't it doesn't hurt as bad Got it. I'm the opposite. It's on the takes who I'm sitting there in pain for 30 minutes the ice bath You're there hating yourself for two minutes, but then you feel great after. I'm sorry about like whatever's quick as I'm fast. Do you put the head in? I do Yeah, that feels dangerous do at the end go four minutes and then the last like 30 seconds. I just don't four minutes It's eternity in that thing, but it like duty like you just do four minutes. You admit it the first To 30 seconds just like sec you start 30 seconds and you get to do two minutes and then you go to children. It's fine Well, anything else you've trashed that then you were like this is kind of cool Cyber truck I made a video about how annoying those guys are cuz all like tech bros who want to be like alpha guys It's very like vast and all that and I just I think they look awful to click a door stopper And then I was driving one for the video and once you're in the car I was gonna sick. Oh really inside feels cool. It feels like you know an open truck It feels like a like a modern day truck is pretty good. You pull up the interior. I've never seen it. Just cuz I've never seen the inside It is bulletproof too, right? No, it's easy. I think that doors are heaviest fuck. I think I think there was that one flip up But then yeah, but there's that guy if you see that guy on So yeah, whenever on all the social medias who will help shoot bullets through everything No, they're engaged bullets for you never seen this guy. He's like we're gonna start with like you know Whatever the words we have to like up to like a 45 then he then he does like a slug. Is it Alec Baldwin? No, he just did it once But yeah, no and he couldn't penetrate it. So Damn look at that. It's pretty sleek in there. It's kind of kind of cool But it's but you feel like big on the roads. Yeah, get that all over to it I saw a tweet. That was so funny. I was like you've never seen a family in a cyber truck Yeah, that's just weird because Elon Musk hasn't seen his family either. Yeah, good boy. He's got 19 kids Well, all right does he have I think 13 issues. I think oh, let's look it up. He's running out of names Yeah, he's not really just goes one to 13 Q or X yeah, right? I didn't see this guy. Oh This isn't the guy though 14 Wow, and how many different baby mamas Four that's actually not that bad. What's that average three three point two two five per? So I mean things giving is gonna be weird, but sure But Nick can and I think it like it's a lot of different baby mamas. He's got 12 I think Jesus Christ. Oh baby mamas are kids kids kids I mean, that's a whole basket like that's a basketball team like that's a bunch to roster. That is a really deep bench (laughing) - That's fucking crazy. - It's okay, see, for sure. (laughing) - Good for him. - So the cyber truck, it feels, it's fast as hell, too. - Yeah. - It's fast. - It's like zero to six and like three seconds or something stupid. I mean, all those cars, I had a Tesla beforehand, it's stupid. - Yeah. - It's just all pickup. - It's like nose. - It's an iPad on wheels, and it just feels dangerous driving them fast, 'cause they don't feel like a car that has like the grounding in the terrain. You're just floating. - Yeah. - Are they considered safe cars or no? - I don't know. - Tesla is, for sure. - Is it? - Yeah, Tesla, definitely. - Yeah, every car, Volvo used to be the whole thing, like we're safe, and now it's like every car's pretty safe. - Yeah, yeah. - But it's just weird, 'cause Tesla features so much on the features, it's like, yeah, you can put a fireplace on your dashboard. - Right, I don't trust the safety if you're like putting a fireplace. - Yeah, they have fart noises on that thing. - Exactly, it's weird. - But I have a 52 year old car. Are you leaving? - Yeah. - All right, take it easy. - Better go again. He's gone on a hotel. I have an old BMW, and I drive this thing on the highway, and it's really shakes and jitters. There's no airbags, it barely has seat belts. You can't believe like old ladies were driving these. - Great, that's power steering? - No, god no. - Yeah. - No power steering. - How was it used to it? - It was, it's a, it's-- - When you're moving, it's fine. But when you're like parallel parking and doing that shit, it's embarrassing. But just affected, that was a normal car in 1973. Is wild. - And he up to, I know you can take an old car and then put some modifications on it to make it more modern. Do you have any of that? - No. - Nothing. - I should do that. But I like the original. - I get airbags in there or something. - I don't know if I could do it. - Did I miss, did I miss, do you have AC, did I miss this? - No AC. - No AC. - What doesn't have an engine? - It's an engine, a steering wheel, a lot of different shifts. - Yeah, please don't. - Damn, dude. - I mean, the car looks super sick, but driving it, I mean, it's wild. - It's wild. - Did you drive a Connecticut gig or something? - Yeah, long island, Connecticut, upstate. - You took it to Jersey, right? - Jersey many times, but this is my ice bath. You're in that thing, you're alive. You're like looking out everywhere, you're not texting, you feel the transmission and everything. - Around the airbag, you're gonna be cold soon. - Yes. - I don't know. - Yeah, I'll be all nice. But yeah, it's, boy, it's crazy. It's crazy driving that thing. You are operating that machinery. - Yeah, dude, I love the look of old cars. - Yeah. - The problem is just like, you get into it and you're like, cool, there's no, I see, I can't, like, it's just, - It's a backup camera. - Yeah. - Yeah, exactly. - Do you get like the cassette player for music or something? - Yeah, I think I got a cassette player. - Did you buy tape for that? - No. - That's kind of a cool idea. - I should. - I used to buy old tapes, like Robert Klein, child of the 50s, like a random, like, this is kind of cool. - Yeah. - I don't know, but, yeah, why not? But they're good. - Yeah. - I have some good idea. It's got a little radio, so it plays a mayhem. - I usually just go earpods. - Oh, yeah. - You're making it more dangerous. - Yeah, exactly. - And you got no issues. - I've run 'em over a few kids. - And then now you're just taking a train or you're biking around, or? - Yeah, I'm a big city bike guy. City bikes, the best way to get around this town. - Oh, you just rent them, fuck yeah. - You just park at the club, walk right in. - Or are you just in traffic, people like Mark Norman? - Sometimes, yeah. - Yeah. - And then they hit me and he bike, yeah. - They swear at me. - I hate me. - It could be that guy, but you gotta wear a fucking helmet on those things. - You got to get a helmet. - You gotta get a helmet. - You don't, but you don't do it. - Ah, I'm doing it. - Oh, okay, yeah. So you gotta bring your helmet, B-I-O. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you're that guy, you walk in a club, you're like, "What a retard." - Dude, the guy walking into a place with a motorcycle helmet makes me want to show you guys. - I know. - But that's why so ridiculous, because they also are full patting up their arms and legs, sometimes like chest play, and then the helmet. Like imagine doing spots in that thing. You've got to go on stage just like an ice-aiden. People die all the time. - That's true. - He's head injuries, man. - I got dored once, the guy over the door went over it. - So I mean, you fucking, - That's what I felt for that. - Him, obviously. - No, it was me, I was just on the road. I wasn't doing your hip-pods and you were in a fucking. - That doesn't, oh, 'cause I guess technically you're hitting him. - Yeah, well, he was opening a door to get out and I was in the wrong spot on the street. - Yeah, he wasn't in a bike lane. He was just in the street. - Yeah. - It'll be in a bike lane. - Dude, I love a good bike ride. I don't do it ever, but when he's running in Harlem, I would, my buddy, my roommate had a bike, I'd steal it, I'd be out for two hours, so fun. Just the wind in your head. - Yeah. - Oh my god. - Also, one way is, don't matter. - Correct. - Any street is a two-way street, right? - Yes. - Do you ever see that guy online? I think he's a New York guy. He like streams all of his bike rides in the bike lane. He's always yelling at people. - Oh no. - Get out of the fucking bike lane. - Oh. - Fucking jack, great place to step. - I hate such a cock. And I hope he gets hit by a car and lives, but what a god he pisses me off so much. - I hate that. - On your right, on your right. - Yeah, and then like if somebody's going down the bike lane, but like the wrong way, he starts yelling at him. - Ooh. - Yeah. - Sure, this guy's yelled at me before. - So funny that like, that's how he gets a clip. He's like, look at this piece of shit, he's like, clip it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. 'Cause he probably did it not winning content. He did it one time. He got, it went crazy viral and he was like, okay, I guess this is what I do now. - I know, yeah. - And then he just, he goes out. You know, like weed tape or sets is what we're just, goes out at eight out of the morning. - Yeah. - Right, time to yell fucking comments and Jews and then he just like, no. But what if, see, that's when you become what you hate, 'cause now you have to wait for the guy to fuck up so you can get a clip. - Yes. - That's no good. - He's like fishin' essentially. - He's fishin'. - Yeah, that's what everyone does. They do one fucked, 'cause this thing rewards confrontation and conflict and you do one fucked up thing, it goes viral and then you're like, oh be that guy. - Yeah. - Yeah. - All of a sudden you're sittin' in your car eating a sandwich at four in the morning, 'cause it went viral once. Now you're that guy. Now you're the car saying. - He's tough about Gary Veter. (laughing) Eating a turkey room and he's like, it's just gotta work for me. - He's like, what are you doing? - He's great. - He's great. I fuck with him all the time. - Oh, he's the best. - He's got a new kid. He's got three kids now. - Three. - He's got this half way to cannon. (laughing) - He's more like a millimeter, I don't know about a cannon. (laughing) - I saw a clip of Trevor doing a gig and you had a teacher in the crowd. - Yeah. - Crazy. - Yeah, you were a high school teacher? - My seventh grade teacher. Yeah, I got a DM the night before that was like, you probably won't see this, I don't remember me, but I'm, you know, your son of the great teacher. I'm gonna be at my show, be at your show with my son. And that was all I said. I said, awesome, see you there. Like I didn't put on the guestless or anything and just into a transition of jokes. I was just like, I got a DM like, is she actually here? - Wow. - In the way back. And the funny part is in the clip, she was so nice and so loving to me and was like, really genuine about being proud. But I was like, take some friends, I was like, she was kind of a, she was like, really mean to me. - Yeah. - In seventh grade, maybe that was a plan all along, dude. That was like fucking true. - You know how rappers had those stories being like? - Yeah. - My teacher's never said, I'll be shit. And maybe this was my version of it. But yeah, this was hard on you. - Maybe he actually thought that though. - What's up. (laughing) - I mean, probably. But yeah, this was a fun moment. - Oh wow, look at how many comments and likes this blew up. - Yeah, yeah, this was cool, man. This was, hopefully the other ones do it. - I remember she was kind of attractive. So I can't imagine seventh grade. She must've been even hotter. - Yeah, she definitely was, but she was a little feisty. But yeah, half the commas just dudes like going into her be like, if she looks like that now, would she look back in the day? - Oh, yeah, she's exactly what I just said. (laughing) - Yeah, this is crazy. - Wait, what venue is this? - This is Grand Prairie, out by Dallas. - Is that a casino? - No, it's like a mega church or something. (laughing) - It looks like a mega church. - I don't know where it is, but they had a big church there. It's like the church, we couldn't load in until later in the day because the church had it reserved. And when we were loading in, all the church guys were like, hey, love your stuff, I'm like, I don't think. - Yeah. (laughing) - But yeah, that was a fun moment. And I totally, it worked out really well. She was genuinely, she was genuinely very nice. - But she was mean when you were a kid. - Yeah, she was really mean to me. - What kind of shit? - Just because I wasn't the smartest kid. - Obviously, someone weed. And just like, I would just talk and she would just, I feel like she would single me out. It'd be like, somebody else's talking. She was like, try for a stop with that. And I literally did see her buying a handle of booze one day after class. We talked about in this clip and she like, hit it. But it's so weird when we see teachers outside of their element just living normal life. It's like, she has every right to buy a handle of absolute. - True. - You see it and you're like, oh! - Right, degenerate. - Yeah. - She could have been going to a party, but a handle does, it feels aggressive. - It's like, three p.m. - Wow. - 'Cause there was a CVS would go to right after class and we saw her literally right after school. So, I mean, who knows? I mean, as an adult, she was probably gonna some part of some sort of special needs kids. - I, excuse me. - Dude, I would be drinking my face off. - Yeah, now with the shootings. - He needs to take his job, you know? But wait a minute. - I'd be drinking milk for stronger bones. (laughing) - Superman bones. - Charlie Kirk, sorry. - What's up with work? - Thank God you, you saw her get that vodka. 'Cause otherwise, what would the clip be? You know what I know? - I know. - Good to see you. - I know. - I know. - I know. - Michael and I were talking about, we're like, there's no way this life is just real like that. You know what I'm saying? Do you think that memory that I vividly remember from seventh grade was to be like, in the future, you're gonna need that. - Whoa. - You know what I mean? - Yeah, interesting. - I don't remember that, but I don't remember my mom's maiden name. (laughing) - I don't know. - No, I do know. (laughing) - My mom keeps hers, she won't use my dad's. - Oh shit, Feminist. - Really big Feminist. - Old school. - Old school Feminist, aren't you there? - Not in the abbreviation? - No, no. - The abbreviation. - I always thought it was so cool in middle school. Then you realize you're like, this is a pussy dad. (laughing) - You see, if football played with two on the back of it, that looks so sick and then you're like, these are two parents who won't. merch right you know the standstill did may take your name no she said it was because of the the paperwork is annoying yeah my wife right excuse that's her last name planet like you got it with an R you got to go Norman you think I think it's really great last name it's so nice great it's well-rounded it's quick and simple okay you guys aren't neither you were married no my last name sucks so that's tough damn you know I had to speech therapist when I was like a really little kid named dr. Blastin and it's like the most cruel name for a kid with a list oh yeah I can't fucking say this name get it grown up grown up what you got a list grown up yeah I mean I was like I was like fucking it's like crazy you can five or six yeah like a shot yeah like five or six years old a lot of kids of that then you just out list them yeah you just like doing it I don't know how do how do you get over it you just say so cards right let them lie they'd be like if you if you say this word right you get a pack of baseball cards I'm like I'm working so hard on this I want to fucking kangaroo if you're working yeah it really it would just do oh totally yeah yeah it was like with the one thing that you could just overcome there was a minute much else you could overcome I think a stutter you can get rid of really yeah yeah well drooling just faking it you could probably lean into it definitely yeah for sure how long do you take it over do you remember I was so young I don't yeah I don't know how many packs of cards did it take you to get over it time frame all the lot of packs can you get rid of the center yeah oh there's no universal instant wait instant yeah for sure it's pretty cool you just get rid of it they say a lot of it is trauma really yeah like a you know your pre-structs always start being like a more good good gooning a lot of shit try I was a better way that was all trauma apparently I went late 13 14 when I went to college I would black out from drinking and I'd wet the bed again so like kick back in damn you ever do it in a one night stand many times really so it was our game on her god you push her in it you're like oh my god you're disgusting I made you that wet had that happened to me in college that she blamed you on me and I was like I'm wearing boxers and they're perfectly dry damn yeah she woke up was like it wasn't me well that's rare in women yeah if you wake up if you wake up it wasn't me it was for sure you it was you yeah just my box was perfectly dry so what happened I didn't college I still was just happy that I even hit so I'm like I just threw away the like the target matches topper and then I was like I would yeah I would have to send flowers and shit after it was very embarrassing really that often yeah it was a thing damn and my friends knew it so they'd like should just meet up a lot means like I like it means I like you yeah it's good luck you know the pedidog to hardest recipe or like where the friend grown up it's some in mice and men's shit right there I don't know and I've never fed a dog that I think we had a friend and grown up he brought his dog a shuntale and he told the whole class like please don't pat him too much like help he so then like so many middle schoolers ran up and just started running. Oh yeah yeah I'm gonna talk about her and every thing yeah I've had a dog so much that he came but never yeah I'm like good boy that's a good boy what so you guys do you think you're gonna get married at some point or not hopefully yeah that's a goal well you guys are younger huh yeah 33 no 33 yeah you got plenty of time what about you I'm 39 yeah marriage inside marriage at not inside but I'd like to at some point I think I think I think you I think you got to just you know be a person you gotta do you yeah weird man I guess I guess I don't know I'd be like 60 still in the stage but dating stop how many of these hours could if anything for the act get mad I know that's why you have a kid for the act huh pretty much yeah it helps you get 20 minutes out of the gate with a kid yeah yeah I got you man yeah how do you if 40 okay yeah but I feel like you just you just get to a point where like I mean I just am gonna reset but I just said like I think you just are getting weird like you're like you start feeling yeah we know we heard the jerk off in the floor store you know I think you're right though I think you gotta at some point you gotta reel it in at some point I mean I have this current feeling like what the fuck am I doing all this for yeah what am I what am I on the road fucking 50 as well you love it too I do love it but like you you build and you're like what am I building for like I don't know do you got a great life yeah you're lucky guy you're in your fuck we're going I'm just saying live damage live now why you can't you think New York embraces the kind of like single definitely definitely all the way up it's just David tell is the you know poster boy yeah so yeah but I feel he's almost like it's not glorified but it's a sense of like that it's just so normal or regular or something where it's like every comic over 40 in LA is married I feel like oh yeah I'm gonna go out of order New York like you know there's like also Jim Gaffigan's and stuff here there's other people I'm paying with a broad brush yeah but it does feel like there's a lot of guys were just like no you're right well New York is very like individual get out of my way you know I'm doing my thing right and LA is a little more well you can have listen LA more easily than in New York New York's a lot of apartments but I mean yeah if you're 40 alone in a house in LA you know I mean you're you're two years we're from killing yourself so you need something that Marin oh I was thinking Bill Marvy but damn dude LA is more conducive for that but also New York it's so easy to be selfish because like you know you don't have to worry about I guess you can Uber in LA now too I'm thinking in old fashion terms but like you just get fucking hammered in a bar just so easy to because you're always in the playground a little bit yeah when you make it you just move what to like the 80th Street which is still kind of exactly chiller andos but it's still kind of like in that realm of like smaller living or like not much house yeah also New York is trying to get you it's like constantly spitting you out like you can't get a car in a garage here you can't get a driveway here so like all that shit is hard like I have a kid and I have a car in a garage and I think like go get it so fucking expensive so expensive house it there it's just it's trying to get you to not have any people here you know what I mean so where do you park your car just like your rant and I park it under a target in Brooklyn really and like a parking garage but do you don't live in Brooklyn I do oh I do so it's relatively close relatively close but it's weird cuz I'm like going to target to get my car you know but that's New York just living outside of New York and what's the point yeah all right I love you'll do that eventually but I just kind of give it up go out there and move back yeah but it wasn't his choice he's out there maybe we won't go there I know he I think he did met it yeah now of course of course I don't think I don't think it's a secret yeah no no he's out there with the family I think that she wanted to go out there and he was like he wasn't he didn't he didn't fight hard enough I don't know and my thing is if you're gonna live outside of New York just go to Florida or something by that point you know it's either New York or nothing to me hmm I'll be you you can live like a little bit outside you have a car you have a driver you can drive in take 35 minutes whatever it is yeah people say that then you just never see him again yeah I'm loving to see we did this spot when he was in the Staten Island he's like it's not bad I just rack up spots in a night it was bad first we have to visit him in Staten Island yeah yeah yeah yeah what do you think what do you think it's 20 minutes to get here try an hour and a half Chris yeah he started running a little late going to be a tomorrow and you get there he's got the nine kids he's feeding and you're like all right I guess he's he's he's he's he's like it's it worth it yeah I mean we did walk into a chaos when it was it was a chaos but it fits his mentality yeah completely in it yeah I would I would he's off it totally I could I can't do I I'm so full of anxiety I there's no way I can do what kids what just like that invite like I just I just would feel like that you like the calm I have to have yeah yeah yeah but I will say the calm of LA in terms of motivating it's like right new stuff it was definitely like a learning curve because I live in New York I mean with you guys for freaking like eight nine years and you get used to like you start in New York so you get used to the chaos yes writing like that and then when I moved to LA I was like I have wrote a new bit in two months what has to come yeah it's too perfect yeah you're on a treadmill here but in LA you can just you're in a fucking hot tub you got to make your own commotion in LA right right right here's one block and you're like great dude we're talking like I'm like I'm like I'm like sequestered in my part I don't you don't need to leave now yes everything to my house like I pick my head up at the 7 p.m. I haven't even like put my head outside yeah because like you go get a coffee there's a homeless guy jerking off inside your asshole you're like okay I got a new bit yeah yeah I think you need a struggle to be funny but you need like comfort is the enemy of fun yeah if you're too comfortable it's I mean yeah and you get more and more like you oh you live in Santa Monica see yeah that's that's like a half hour I'm not doing that you're like damn I go a half hour on a subway every day yes to get to the city kind of thing so like you guys just start getting more more secluded I think that's probably why you do so much weird shit on the road like all these pockets you're like I don't want to get comfortable here no you might be right yeah that I think you got something there but still doing bad gigs every once in a while because like there's a part of me that's like I don't want to do a shitty gig you know the bad gigs will come up unexpected anyway why am I going into a gig that's good I know but sometimes you got to go and you're like well let me see if I can turn this let me see if I can yeah in a sense of just doing like a random I'm sure you hit up to do or yeah, and you're like this It could be a tough room. This could be good for me, you know? - And it shakes you up a little. Get you on your toes where you're like, "Oh man, I had to like, I was in autopilot for a while." - Yeah, that's not fair. - That's right, harder than a bomb. - Yeah, exactly. - That autopilot is shit. You're like, "Am I just funny in front of my own fans?" - Right. - I will eat a gun if that's the case. - Yeah. - I can't do that. - I know, I say this all the time, and I hope we didn't get offended, but like, Louis will go up at these random clubs unannounced and eat it for like three months. - It's pretty cool. Before you know, he's murdering with that same stuff. - And he's like, really workshoppin' it up there? - Workshop and to silence, no offense, Lou. But eventually, it starts cookin', and then it starts jelling, and then he's killing. But then, do you want? - I ran into the grocery store yesterday. I was with a girl. I run into him, and we're just chatting for a while, and then she was like, "Oh, who was that?" Like, some guy who lives in your building, and I was like, "That was fucking Louis." (laughing) And she got down the red-haired guy, but he is gray here now. I'm like, "He got older, will you?" (laughing) What a silence past decade. - That's the thing, if she's a young girl, seeing that guy walk on stage, she's like, "Who's this weirdo?" Is this the guy that told her? What the fuck is this? - But he's not like, that's not like dead silence. You're sayin' when he's goin' up there? - No, he's, but you know what? It's his way of just, that's how he, everyone writes their own way, like some people like to cushion the new bits, to give it a running start. Louis, like, "I'm just gonna fucking, "I'm gonna embrace the silence." So it is fun to watch. - It is. - 'Cause you're like, "Wow, he doesn't." I just saw him in the corner once, and I just, I'm watching 'cause I'm just kinda like, I wanna see it. And he just kinda turned to me and smiled after a fuckin' hard bomb, like, "Wow, this is like some Obi-Wan shit." - It is, it's just, I start spasin' after. - Me too. - The no laughs for a, you know, a couple of minutes. You're like, "This is crazy." - Yeah, yeah. - This is for people. - I respect that soar when like, it is the Obi-Wan thing, like, he doesn't care. And like, I, one day hope to like, not give a fuck. - I know. - I'm like you, man, after like, after a minute of a new bit that's doin' like, I'm like, "Go, oh God." - Where are you from? Like, jump off points. - With each bit, there's like, you get into here. Or you keep pushin', I saw you set a clip that was great that was like, just keep pushin' for one or two more lines after. - Yes, yes. - Which, I think I'm out often. But I saw Bertune, a new material and I was so cool 'cause he's just, no matter how big you get in comedy, he's still like, no patty goes, "All right, let's see if this works," and then just puts in his pocket. It's like, "No matter how big, "it's still the same shit you see it in open mind." - Yeah. - Obviously he's Bill Burry's genius, but it's the art form of it, it's just so simple. - Well, they say you never know until, even if you're at that level, you have a good sense of what's funny, what's gonna hit, but you still never know completely. - But that's why this is, that's why I love this so much, 'cause you don't know, if you get complacent, there is no like, "Oh, I got it." - Yeah. - You don't have it. - You never know if you have it. - Exactly. - It's so cool. - Yeah, 'cause how many times you've been like, "Oh, this is gonna kill." And then that bomb's and you're like, "This is nothing." And that killed. - They're sagging to the new joke hits and you're like, "This, I broke this just now." - Yeah. - But the joke didn't hit. - Yeah. So frustrating, but also exciting. - The first time I ever saw Louis Live, he was just workshopping stuff, it was at Caroline's, and he was just out of a notebook. I was like months in a comedy. He was out of a notebook. Dude, murdering. And I was like, "This motherfucker's just reading stuff." And I'm like, he was, I was just sowing all this. - Yeah. - It was just like the best man. - Well, back to Louis one thing. I think when you get to that level, you're not giving a fuck. Like you can just go up and bomb and be okay with it. That's when you get to that crazy, thoughtful, interesting material. - Right. - And it takes years to get to that level, I think. - Yeah. And those silences, sometimes you find the funniest thing from just the failure. Like there's something about, you keep digging, and then you say the thing. It's almost like the muscle memory from doing this forever. You're like, "This is it." - Yeah, yeah. - And then you're like, "Holy shit, I just figured it out." - Right. - Because if I didn't, it would just keep getting worse. - Yeah. - And then sometimes it just keeps getting worse. - That's true. - That's okay too. But I feel guilty. I do feel guilty when I bomb too fucking hard. - I do too. - I might let me throw a couple old ones into it. But you gotta find ways to get the new shit. It's never pretty. - Yeah. - You guys remember the first time that you started feeling this extra weird pressure, 'cause people knew who you were. And then so that working new material stuff out, you've-- - Yes. - Do you know what I mean? - I definitely have that. - Like when you're new in the game, like nobody knows who any of us are. So then you go up and-- - It's a gift. - It-- - That's a weird gift when you're building material when no one knows who fucks what I'm saying. - That's what I'm saying. - Just to like go up with the seller sometimes and they don't know me. And that's cool. But like sometimes they do and you're like, oh shit, they're gonna be like-- - This is a pressure. - There's a part of me that's like, does the crowd know you're working on shit? Or are they gonna be like, man that guy's fucking slipping? - I know. - That's what you're saying. - Yeah. - You're following some young buck at the seller who's fucking bringing the heat and really funny. - Yeah. - There's so many funny young people there right now. And it's like-- - Ah, geez. - That was a little humidity in there. - He used to be better this guy. He's losing, he's working out far-- - He's working out too comfortable. - Wait, let me try this creaky one. Not nothing. - All right, let me-- - The creaky one. - I'm open-miking it. - That was a barachia. - Or film far right there. - Yeah, it was like a bad trumpet. - I feel, I definitely feel bad for sure. But I'm also like, what's the seller ticket? It's like $12. They see a great show. - It's so cheap, whatever they charge. - I know, I'm still. - Well, that's the other thing is people go like, "Oh, they get to see you work out new material, they're gonna love it." I'm like, "They'll love it for six minutes." If I do that for 45, they're like, "All right, asshole." This is a little self-adulgent. - Yeah, you got to prep 'em a little bit. Let me try a few new, and then you kind of do a good stuff, and you go like, "Let me try a few more." - Yeah. - But it is so funny how important that one sentence is, mentally for yourself to be like, "I'm gonna try some new shit." - And then-- - Huge. - And then they'll be like, "Oh." 'Cause if you didn't say that and it's just bombing them. - Yeah. - This joke just doesn't fit. - It's like one sentence. - I oddly asked their permission, I'm like, "Is it cool if I work out this?" And it's like, and then I go back and play for five years. - If you fucking ask for the new shit. - You fuck-- - You fuck-- - You fuckers clearly doing old materials here. Let me try some new shit. Fucking OJ, man. That's like fucking weird, right? - Weird. - You can't smoke on a plane anymore, huh? - Is there one bit you guys have just never been able to get to work? Is just always been on the back burner. And then every couple of years, you bring it out of the cage. - Yeah, I've got a few of those. - Yeah. - Actually, a lot of those. - I don't know how to roll act. - He cracks it a lot. The mark will really stay with a bit. - I'll stay with a bit. - That's pretty cool. - And he's keep workshopbing it each night. - Yeah. - Even when we were young comics, he would always, like, he would, he'd be like, "I can't crack this one." You were like one of the few people to tweak at mics, I feel like even. - Yeah. - A lot of people were like, "Okay, they've seen this. I can't, but you would bring it back sometimes." - I'd go back with, you know, mics were tough because they would see the same asshole comic in the front row. - The worst. - Yeah, like it didn't work last night. It's not going to work tonight. - I usually know why it doesn't work. If it's, and I'm like, I don't necessarily agree because if I think there's something funny about me, I sometimes I'm like, "This doesn't work as of this." Or this maybe this bit makes them too sad. - But that makes you laugh. So you're like, there is something to do with it. - But not everything that makes me laugh should be, you know, interact. - Sure, that's true. - That's when you get self-indulgent, right? - Right, right. - Like, I mean, I should like everything in my act, but sometimes if I think something's funny, it's not right for the show, you know? - Mm-hmm. - And it's also like we're comedians, so what makes us laugh is horrendous. So, you can't make all room full of people that work in ancient or block laugh, it will be laugh at. It's like fucking, you can try. - That's true. - Sometimes it's just too heinous. - Like it's, you're going too dark. - Too dark. - Yeah. - Well, that's one kind of fun thing about the internet. Sometimes you have a joke, you're like, it didn't really hit, but I think there's something here and you throw it out into the world and it finds them, yeah. - Yeah. - But it's hard, it's hard to find, you know, like certain bits, certain bits aren't for everybody also. Like there's, we talked about this in March, it's put a special out. Sometimes you keep this one line in and you can't get selfish with it, but the one line's there. You're like, it's just kind of a throw away, and then people end up being like, I love that line. - I know. - It's funny, it's like always that one fucking line. It doesn't matter. - It ain't about to pull. I feel it in sketches a lot too. I'm going to edit trying to condense it. I'm like, is this funny? Is this fine? I would ever keep it in. And then that's the line people quote. - Yes. - But you like hyper focus on that one line. - I know. - Which I think if there's some gut feeling in there, you're like, this line is important and I don't know why. - Well, I think we always go that a laugh line is that a laugh line, but it doesn't have to be a laugh line to be, to resonate. You know what I mean? Like your thing about the cyber truck tweet, none of us burst out laughing, but we're all like, oh, that's good. - Yeah, yeah. - It's good. - What was the line again? - You've never seen a family, it's never seen a family in a cyber truck. - Yeah, that's not like, haha, but you're like, oh, that's good, you know, so you keep it in. - Any young man used to say like, sometimes you get a laugh just on the recognition though. - Sure. - So it's like not necessarily a joke, or it's like, you ever notice everyone does, and it's like, it's like no one's articulated that way, and that's why you're getting the laugh. - Right, right. - But we're going nerd shit right here, we're going deep. - Yeah, I love it. - Back to coming on the ground. - And next, get him off her phone. - It comes like a flag, I guess that that's what's hit the ground. - You ever hit the curtains in the hotel? - Oh yeah. - All right. - Yeah. - Don't open the curtains in a hotel remote. - You can, that's right, leave you can't open. - I still shut like, Libya. It's like, you peel it open like a grilled cheese. - Oh, that's funny, gross. - Great visual, man. - Yeah, you don't hear this on color, daddy. - I feel like they talk about common color, daddy. - I think they hate it, oh. - They have like a bomb on. - Yeah, that's true. I've never heard of that. I just assume, I feel good. - When it was the two girls, it was all like, how do you give head, then they'd demonstrate on the mic, and now it's literally so long. - I wonder why it got so big. - That used to be a recipe for a hit pod. - Girls talking fucking. It was like unheard of. - 'Cause girls like it, and guys, I feel like secretly liked it. 'Cause they're like, this is, we're watching the defense here. - Exactly. - Yeah, exactly. 'Cause girls, when I was a kid, were so annoying, you'd be like, "Sir, you ever finger yourself?" And I'm like, "Eww, shut up." And I'm like, "Bitch, don't make me look like a psycho. You know you're at home, Dittlin' all night." They would always cover it up and hide it and be like, "Woo." - That was our original podcast name. Bitch, don't make me look like a psycho. So two dudes can play in about women talking about sex. I know I went full Pim right there bitch I think we look like a psycho Yeah, you couldn't talk good talk fuck with the ladies. It is funny Because I was the the recipe for hip-hop and then everybody did it and then it's like yeah But it's funny how girls would go from jizz talk to Kamala Harris like they worked their way up to like real shit Yeah, what do they deep down they want to ask Kamala that of course Like what the G.D. P. How do you get yourself off it now? How do you come over here? But that's every big pod. It's like, you know, Marin's like working out his beef with like all these comics And he's like oh, I got a bum on this week. You know every every pod one's gets big You're like all right. I'm gonna take a I don't like this new pods do where they have like this like super dramatic trailer It's like tomorrow coming on and it's like horror film like cuts a black. Yeah, this is like noon Eastern Oh, that's that it's so much build up and hype for the same shit you got last week Right and it's what you do and it's obviously working. It actually is an old trope from the news and news would be like Yeah, shrimp. What's in it? It might kill your kids tomorrow at 11. You're like shit tomorrow I knew we might be drunk Gary Veter like you've never seen him before He's carrying a wig Here he opens a cyber truck. Will he get in? Does he need a boot tomorrow? I guess there's anything to get clicks exactly hold retention a little bit But well, I guess we just think of podcast like goofball. I think a Theo Vaughan being like hey man or a rabbit ate my my dad's ass or whatever So you know, uh, that's a direct clip Then you know then it's Bernie Sanders on something Theo of rap it ate my dad's ass like do you want Trump on the pod? He wants to come on He heard your rabbit eating and then like a Bernie next week. Oh cool, man. I know Bernie How do you feel about a rabbit's eating ass? It's a it's an upper it's an upper class problem Man, all right. I got a second comics. We've got true Lynch Yeah, we should like we got to do your pod in a minute so what you should plug some dates plugs in dates We guys are today. I just finished my tour of Michael's heavy on the road though. Check him out Yeah, just a bunch of stuff man. Go to a blow comedy dot com blow comedy dot com. I'm going frickin everywhere Yeah, look at that all over Canada Monkton truly at Lanark City for a good to the NBA Hall of Fame Oh, oh buddy. I'm going. I'm so excited Yeah, go go get some tickets dude. You're everywhere. Look at that. I had the Wilbur's fun. Wilbur's so fun The best that DC one's great too. What's it called the capital one-hole great? Oh, I'm there. Plating's killer killer Is Shane tape there beautiful dogs was there. Yeah. Yeah, it's basically DC. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, very Excited. Yeah, all over these are all great buddy. Great myself into the ground. This is all great. Yeah, after this I'm gonna be dead so come out. I just have to some random ones London UK June 10th then Halifax Canada The great comedy festival Okay, Trevor walls dot com. You guys doing that the greater doors one. I've done a few. They're always awesome Yeah, I'll lead one with when we when we do this one weird. It's at like 3 p.m Then shulks is after me for the night show. They're doing more like festivals now headlining a 3 p.m Like fuck yeah, it'll be a good like day drinking thing Yeah, it'll be it'll be fun, but like it's gonna be nice to be done in like four. Yeah, right just so we did we did it When I went on it was it was five p.m. Yeah, the sun set is a light Well, the sun goes down there guy. That's my life gotta go a cigarette. Yeah They're always fun and they bring out a fucking huge audience It's crazy. So it is pretty fun. Yeah, I got the turning some casino in Verona, New York, June 6th And I'm gonna add dates at some point. But yeah, I got Portugal. Yeah, I'm doing a little Euro tour again Just place I want to go to so Lisbon Athens, Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw, Helsinki, Stockholm and Copenhagen So that's all on September and that's on my site Warsaw. You're loud in Time to change man. Yeah, well Poland's off all around. They don't allow gay marriage They don't allow same-sex adoption. Wow. Yeah, they're wild. That's true. Yeah, I didn't even know that that's crazy Oh, I'm doing back in the clubs Philly all the Philly healing is so fun favorite room maybe in the classic classic Milwaukee improv Irvine improv Love that room Detroit Mark Ridley's in Royal Oak Elarities and Cleveland Never been never in City, Comedy Club. I think it's new side spurs in Tampa. It's great room. I'm going to say happens and Yeah, all kinds of cops. I love cops and frisky. You have to cancel some of these that we if we get all right I'll try to make a movie. Yeah, oh Yeah, trying. Oh, yeah, bus boys. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was it. It was fun man. It was just shooting for a day But oh nice. Yeah, it literally felt like a giant sketch with a bunch of friends. Yeah, it's popped in for a day But I promise is that can is that not it's just a yes, we're just two liquor salesmen It's art. We have our bodega. Can we got our hooch and we just made it with two failing liquor salesmen But it's it's fun. It's got hard. It's like an old school 90s comedy joy. It's a joke of fucking no. Yeah more I mean, it's so many jokes sounds jokes the best like comedy's feel like just like an improv scene where it's a sense of like Your bus boys and then they never really you don't see them as bus was ever. Yeah Is your home Depot then you forget your home. Yeah, the fact you guys sell the bodega cat is like that's the premise But really it's just about you guys just about friendship and get an older and and still drinking and being fuck ups And it's it's fun. It's like a fun comedy. Oh, man. I need to see this all right. We're close. We're so close We hope it works out. So we'll save it You guys have been awesome and listen to their podcast stiff socks. Yeah, yeah great to see you guys and I will see you next week Buy some bodega cat whiskey guys delicious, so be right and hit us up To lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember and I get down in the same way We might be true