TRAVIS BARKER: "My Biggest Fear Actually Happened"

Crossroads is my favorite place in LA. - Amazing, amazing. - Ever since I moved here eight years ago, it has been my favorite restaurant is where I take all my friends, whether they eat me or don't eat me, and it is easily, easily hands down the best vegan restaurant in the world. - I love to hear it. Yeah, I really feel like it is one of the best vegan restaurants in LA for vegans and non-vegans. Just good food. - I agree, good vibes too. - Yeah, good vibes. - A beautiful atmosphere. The staff is amazing, shout out to Miriam, she's incredible. - Yeah, Miriam's awesome. - They always do, yeah. - Is the goat. - Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. (beep) (upbeat music) Travis Barker, welcome to on purpose. - Thank you, thank you for having me. - It's good to finally meet you. I feel like I've missed you a couple of times in the same room or not really come across you, but getting towards this documentary and getting to experience you in such an intimate way, I just wanted to say, first of all, thank you for making it. And thank you for allowing us in. And I really hope that this interview allows you an opportunity to share the inner workings and the inner dialogue that you've been experiencing for the past few decades of entertaining us, but also living life. But yeah, thank you for putting that together. - Oh, thank you for watching it and being a part of this whole process of talking about it. - Yeah, and I wanna start by saying, I was just sharing with you outside, but I sit down with someone, Travis, I'm always fascinated by who we were and how we became. And so one of my favorite questions to us people is, what's a childhood memory that you have that you think defines who you are today? - Just like the first time I played drums, and the love I had for drums, and the love my parents had for me drumming, that was the magic of it all, really. And then my parents being so, at the time, probably a little hard on me, disciplining me to like practice all the time, which was the best thing they could have ever done for me. I think some parents feel bad to try to motivate their children to practice something they love doing, or even something they share with them, I wanna be good at this. I mean, the best thing my parents could have done is say, "Oh, then you gotta practice. You gotta practice two hours every day before you go skateboarding," or go right BMX bikes. That was everything to me. That was, that's what gave me so much confidence as a child. Without that, I'd have been, think about it, I would have been lost. It's shaped me, it was everything, you know? - Yeah, absolutely, yeah. I remember so, I love the drums growing up too. - Oh, cool. - But, I was, I think my parents were more the opposite. They hated me making a racket at the house. - It is, it's a racket. - Your parents, you gotta have the coolest parents ever 'cause it's so loud, it's so noisy. But I think about like the different paths that I went down, like I love skateboarding, and I have early memories of my dad. There was this place called Pick and Save Warehouse, and we would go, everyone would go. There was no internet then, there was no, everyone just knew on Sundays, you go to Pick and Save Warehouse, someone's gonna break the chain link fence, and we're all gonna go skateboarding in this ditch. My pops used to take me, so just doing stuff like that, like as a parent, and those early memories of your parents supporting what you wanna do is everything. I was loud, like my neighbors hated us. They were constantly calling the police on us, and my parents were just so good about it. - Yeah. - They were so determined for me to be a drummer. - I was rebelling 'cause my parents wanted me to play the piano, and I was like, I wanna do drum kit. Like, I wanna play the drums, and so I shifted my classes over to play percussion, and it was so much fun. It was just the type of music I listened to, which was mainly hip-hop and rap at the time. I feel like it didn't really allow for me to explore my drumming capabilities as much. - I would play everything from BC Boys albums to public enemy, whatever I was listening to, run DMC when I was a kid, and then I would also be listening to motorhead, Metallica, King Diamond, and learning all those songs. My parents wanted the same thing. They're like, you could play piano though. It's way quieter. You could play Beatles songs for us, whatever it was. But I thought piano was so lame compared to drums, but piano's a great instrument to everyone should, if they could learn how to play the piano. - Because. - It's a bet. It's just great for songwriting, understanding chords, keys, like everything. It's just great. It's great for songwriting. So I wish I would have played more piano. Ironically, I'm learning how to play piano again now, but drums were way cooler. In band, drums were the coolest people in the band. I fart, not because I was a drummer, but the horn players weren't cool. The flute players, no one was cool. The drummers were cool. - This episode of on purpose is presented by Ultra Running. We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet. That's why Ultra Running shoes feature ultra-fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance and strength. They're perfect for running, walking or hiking, any pace, any level. They feel right from the first step. Go to ultra running.com/onpurpose and use code purpose 10 for 10% off. That's altr.com/onpurpose. Stay out there. How did you actually get good back then? Did you go classes? Did you train yourself? Was it just through listening? How did you actually get as good as you are? - My parents making me practice for one. - How many hours would you do it for? - Usually at least one to three hours a day. - Wow. - If I wanted to go out and skateboard and do all the things I wanted to do at the time, you just leave the house and you come back before it's you need to go to sleep. My parents also got me this drum instructor named Ed Will when I was a kid and he taught me how to read music. So I learned, I was learning jazz charts, learning all these cool songs that my parents loved. Talked me about Buddy Rich, some great jazz musicians, Miles Davis. But then when it came time to be like, "I wanna learn jump by Van Halen" or whatever it was, the teacher was like, "I'm not teaching you that. "That's not music." So that was on me. So I learned how to read music, which was really valuable for when I got into orchestra or marching band or jazz band. But everything else I needed to teach myself. So I self taught and it would just be a matter of putting on records and even learning like rap records 'cause that was the same thing. I was listening to the far side of Tribe Called Quest. All that music was really, really like what I would go skateboarding to. Also skate videos which show me so many styles of music I didn't know about whether it was like thrash bands or punk bands or hip hop artists. So I just started learning anything I would listen to. - How did your mom encourage you for your discovering your passion for music? - The story was I was playing on pots and pans as a kid and I was relentless. I wouldn't stop and I was just breaking spoons, anything, you know? And I did it so much that they thought, maybe we should get him a drum kit. I got an animal drum kit from the Muppets. Played that everyday, wore it out. And she was just like that, he's gonna be a drummer. And then her and my dad went on this mission to execute that dream. - Yeah, it's funny isn't it? Our kids just love playing on pots and pans. You just had the discipline and the practice and obviously the skill and the talent and the gift. Do you believe that your love for music and your ability was a gift that you already had and that you found it as it went along or was it something that you feel you just built and developed? Like how do you see it? - I think both. I think it was natural 'cause it's different. I think about my kids, Otjana Landon and Alabama, I made them play drums. I was like if someone hands you drums, takes your my kids, better know how to do something. Even if it's just a little something, you got it. You know, with Rocky, he plays a lot. He's always tapping to the point where he goes to it, like my wife's mom's house and she's like, we're trying to watch a movie, why is he tapping? And I'm like, I heard the story afterwards. I'm like, it's 'cause he's a drummer. This is what drummers do. That's what I do all the time. So with me, there's no drummer, there's no one that's a musician in my family. I feel like it was in me. And then once it's in you, then it takes hard work after that. - I always like to ask that question to someone who's done something at the highest level because I feel like there is a sense of, no, you have a natural talent. Like for me, I feel like I had no natural talent. Like it was never possible for me to get that good. I was okay and I practiced and I worked hard or whatever, but there just wasn't that natural ability that was gifted to me that was there. - Yeah, I don't know. I think it was like, it was written. Also, I didn't thank God that they pursued that and they really kind of like pushed me to practice a lot 'cause like I said, I'd hate to be lost just a grownup and not have anything I was passionate about or like that I felt like I was good at. Life would've been crazy. - Yeah, I assume it gave you a lot of confidence as well, right? - It did, yeah, it did. After my mom passed away, that's all I focused on. 'Cause I knew it was her dream for me to play drums, so I was determined. I was like, I gotta fulfill this dream of my mom's and when the going got tough, that's always what I knew how to do. - Yeah, talk to me about that moment. You know, when you're watching, the documentary and I mean this is like the first major loss that you have that kind of becomes this story of your life like talk to me about that moment when your mother passes away a day before you start high school. Yeah. Just to walk me through what they even feels like is such a young man and young boy. I mean it's hard to even describe. I mean it came as a shock because I also had a young age. I didn't know when someone sat me down and I was like mom could pass away. No one said those words to me. It was just a matter of my family was all doing different things. My dad was a still-mil worker at Kaiser's still in Fontana. He worked 60 plus hours a week. My sisters were I think in high school and you know just graduating. So everyone was kind of doing their own thing. It was my responsibility to get on a BMX bike and ride to the hospital every day. So that's kind of like how things were and I just went one time and it was like mom passed away and I was just broken you know. My reality now is so different but like for that it was like my dad still went to work the next day and he still had to pay bills. I still went to school. It was like just no grieving just head down, fist up and just you know power through life. That's kind of what it was like. So you never even got to be with her when she was passing away. This was like you got there and found out. I got there right before she passed away. So yeah. And I think I just would like grieve on my own but never really had any. I don't know like structure or maybe talk to someone. Either do my dad. I don't think anyone knew how to deal with what just happened you know. It was difficult. Yeah I'm so sorry for your loss man. Yeah thank you. It's the worst thing that could possibly happen no matter what age you are and to go through it that young. Do you remember the last conversation you ever did have with her before that moment? She had actually said to me like you have to just focus on music, focus on being a drummer like play drums. So I kind of took the message and you know just dove into that. So there's never a good time for that to happen. Like I had like a tour manager who was a grown man and his dad just passed away and I'm like there's no age where it's okay or it feels better. It's just it's terrible. It's amazing that that's what she said to you there. Yeah I think that that that stuck with me so it was so loud to me to where I just like started school. I'd miss summer band camp where because drum line gets a little more serious in high school. People are working like six weeks during the summer just learning all these rudiments and all these things are going to be tested on to figure out who gets first snare. So I missed all of it. I got handed the music the first day of school and I said please just let me try out. Made drum line, made snare, made snare line, joined jazz band, joined orchestra, started taking out multiple band wanted in magazines like where I grew up like called Mean Street. Also things like drummer looking for punk band, drummer looking for metal band. I literally made one for every style of music I loved. Yeah yeah it was just like people would be flying in from Texas to come jam with me in my bedroom and that's when I just started forming bands. How supportive was your dad off to your mum post away? He was always as supportive as he could be. Like I said he was working all the time. He was also in another relationship so it was like man I think everyone was having a hard time but no one I think everyone was grieving in their own way. He was always so supportive of my music. I literally had bands that were that I would start and we'd be practicing in the garage. Police would be constantly coming but it could be worse. I could be whatever getting in trouble with my hood them friends where I grew up whatever you know. I think he always was just like you know as I got a little older like right when I was graduated high school and I was working jobs he's like oh you gotta get out of this garage and like make something to yourself like this is either gotta take off or I think you should join the military like I did like going to army or get a better job and start paying rent if you're gonna live here. I actually contemplated I was like maybe I will just quit playing drums maybe I will join the military or I'll get a job. Injured up a plan for a job. I was working at Target in the garden center at the time and then I got an opportunity to work at the distribution center. I called my buddy Noel who was in this band I was playing a punk band called Feeble. I said yeah I think I'm gonna take this job. I think I'm gonna stop playing drums. They say I really really feel like you have so much talent to have you can't waste your talent you can get a job anytime come stay with me in Laguna Beach. I'll try to get your job at the city being a trash man if you're down but I think you're gonna look back on this you're gonna regret it like you have your two talents to go get a job. It's a great friend. Yeah save my life so. Did you ever become a trash man in Laguna Beach? Did you ever? I did I told my pops I said I'm I'm moving to Laguna. He's like okay he gave me three ultimatums I took one so I moved to Laguna. I stayed in in Noles apartment there was always a few people staying there it was like a one one bedroom just like studio apartment. It was a trash man played in this band called Feeble out there and life was good life was great. I was never been somewhere so beautiful as Laguna Beach that was paradise to me. I was skateboarding every day. I was playing music playing the drums every day from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep if I wasn't working. It was honestly the best thing for me. What did you learn by being a trash man? I was like man people in the Laguna Beach have a lot of money. I'd never really been there. I was like these are the best houses ever. I think the first day on the job I was literally like what they call a downtown rat like I'm litter picking downtown like people cigarettes just whatever's on the ground and then cleaning trash can lids and my first day there was a hundred dollar bill on the top of trash can. I was like someone with too much money was emptying their pockets. So there was like gems like that. I was literally with my best friends that all lived where I grew up in Fontana that had transpired to Laguna. So it was pretty awesome and then just learned no crash, better crash course of being in a band then eat, sleep and breathing, being in a band. Whether it's like paying for our demo to go make a demo going and printing up flyers for our next show, flyering. It was like everything you do when you want to be a band plus just your normal job. It was awesome. Well, hearing about you talk about it at that time and when you're seeing in the dark it's like from the outside you're like wow that's stressful but it's incredible hearing about it from your perspective where you're like I'm getting to do what I love. That's the most important thing. I think all of us where we grew up it had its fair share of everything, you know, but you've never heard of anyone really making it out of there. There wasn't until we were in Laguna that we saw some like hope or me at least because I didn't even dare dream like I want to be a successful drummer. I used to say it in everything actually when I was like from the time I was in grade school till high school they'd be like what do you want to do? What college do you want to go to? What do you want to be when you get older and I put drummer and my counselors would just laugh at me and be like what are you talking about? Drummer no like what do you what college do you want to go to? I would say like my dad doesn't have money for college. I don't have any money for college. I'm just going to focus on music. I'm going to play music at whatever level that is just to be able to like do it sort of was I just couldn't believe it. I had already somewhat made it because I moved out of the house and I was playing music and just living outside of my dad's house and I felt like he was proud you know. It wasn't about the fame and success it was just about the love of the art. Yeah it never was for me. Like what I wanted was attainable. I wanted to play music, play drums and have enough money to eat somewhere to sleep and survive. I think it's interesting isn't it? Like I think about that today I feel like there's such a pressure on young people to make it and do something with their life. But often I think about in my own world as well I feel like for me I was just happy getting to do what I love and that was it. That was enough. Like I'm grateful that it's gone beyond that. But that was the win. The win was if I can do what I love every day then that's good enough for me. Yeah I think as long as it starts with that like do something you love. I like that. AM used to always say he's like find something you love and find a way to get paid for it. That's the goal. You know? And it doesn't even feel like you're working. How did Blink 182 come into your life? People was playing with a lot of other bands and there was this punk band in B.H.R. and the bass player that band had said, "Yeah I have this other band. You should come play with this." It was the Aquavats. I was like, "Sure. Like just give me the record. Whatever. I'll learn it." It's a game of the record the next week I played with them. I became their drummer. They were kind of like really popular. They were getting really popular. It was like Scott, New Wave, punk. It was really cool. It was a cool band. I was touring with that band with Blink 182 opening for them on a tour called Snowcore tour. It was like it was Aquavats Blink, the Alcoholics. that rap group and primus. Oh and Long Beach to ball stars right after Bradley had passed. We started doing some solo shows with Blink. Their drummer took off right before a show one day. It was like 45 minutes before their show and they were about to lose money because they weren't going to play the rest of the shows on the tour. They came to me and I would hang out with them a lot because we had a lot in common like skateboarding and listening to same music. It's a matter of the way you could learn like 20 songs so we could play this show tonight and maybe the next few shows if it goes well. I learned all the songs. Is it right that you learned all of Blink 1, 8, 2 songs for tour in an hour backstage? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. It was crazy. I just sat with them and played in a room. Like I didn't have drums or anything but just we just jammed kind of like air drummed and I listened and watched everything. Wow. Yeah. And then played our first show. It was incredible. It was incredible. Did you make any mistakes? I was so dialed in and I was so in a zone to pull this off. Also, I feel like the way I grew up and the discipline I had even on myself even after my mom passed away was to not get ready but to stay ready and be ready for situations like that. Did you feel scared at all? Of course. I mean, before every show, to this day if I go play a show, there's like a good kind of scared, like a good nervous energy. Like you want to kill it. Yeah. You can. Yeah. So the next three shows were amazing and then they had come to me and said, we love playing with you. Like would you would you consider being on our band? It's kind of like a girl approaching you but she's still in a relationship sort of and I was like, well, something happens to your drummer. Like hit me up. I'd love to. You know, I love playing with you guys. Then maybe a week or two later, it was my first show and yeah, with the rest is history. I love what you said about staying ready and being ready for an opportunity like that because all of us may get an opportunity like that sometimes in our life and if we're not ready, you miss the audition, you don't show up to set, you don't turn up to the interview, you say no to the introduction and then your whole life takes a different trajectory just because you weren't ready and you didn't stay ready. I'm still like that. I'm still. I'll be practicing since the night of my kids like why are you practicing? I'm like, I practice every day. Like if there's, you know, in this time doesn't permit and I'm just really, really, you know, I have so much going on with the kids but I'd love to have an hour or two but if I don't get it like last night, I didn't have much time. I was with the kids. I was, you know, went to go see my dad and went to my nephew's birthday and then it was like I still got 15 minutes in rep before I went to bed. My wife's like, are you on the treadmill practicing? And I'm like, yes, I'll be right in. But yeah, just, it feels good and for me like the days I don't practice something feels off. What does practicing look like now? Like what are you practicing? It's all sorts of different things like I'm actually getting ready to play the 50th anniversary for the Ramones. Oh, that's cool. It's like me Tim Armstrong from Ranted, Billy Joe from Green Day. It's going to be awesome. So I'm about to start practicing that. But then while I'm working on albums, I just, it's like keeping your chops up. It's almost like running three to five miles every day because you know, a marathon's coming up. Yes, yes, yes. You just keep, you know, kind of a small workload always. What was that like those first few shows the first couple of years for Blink 1, A2? I mean, that must have been a dream come true. I played those three shows and I came home and I remember I went to go see my pops and my pops is, he's the best. He's always been really hard on me, but it also 1000% made me the man I am today. You know, my dad was in Vietnam. He wrote a Harley Davidson all his life. You know, he's just, he's a man's man, you know? I remember I got home and I said, "How?" I just mean like 3,500 bucks played three shows. He's like, you better keep it because you probably won't make it again. That was like his attitude, you know? I think also where I came from our family that didn't have money. So I think my work ethic also is always like keep pushing because I never want to go back to having nothing. You know? I never want to be there again and I pride myself in being able to like buy my data house, buy my sisters, buy my family's houses, make sure they're all taken care of. So it was unreal those those shows like I it seemed like a dream, you know, like I was just waiting for someone to smack me and wake me up because it was like too good to be true. When did it start to take a toll on you mentally? Like when when did it start to feel different? There never came a time where where I didn't love playing in the band. I love Mark and Tom. Even before I was in the band, I loved hanging out with Mark and Tom. Even though I was in the Aquabats, I would hang out with them too. We had a lot in common. All of the Aquabats were surfer skateboarders, musicians. I think with Mark and Tom, it was the same wave. Even though we weren't in a band, I was hanging with them a lot. So I loved playing in a band with them. I don't think it was until, you know, when I got in the band, we're traveling around in a band. We're sleeping on people's floors. And you know, the band's popular, but we're not we're not flying every day or do you know, it was a young punk band. Also, there's no punk bands that really were successful. I think Green Day was successful like right before us. And that was that once again was seemed unattainable. That's not even it. It's so out of reach. We didn't even think we could be anywhere close to that. And then recorded in a mother's state, things took off. We're flying from like radio show to the next radio show to the next radio show. Sometimes two flights in a day. I was still okay. I didn't like flying. I never loved flying. I saw my mom at a young age, like when I flew to Chicago, I don't I'd only been on a plane one time. And I saw my mom really reacting to the flight and being really upset because of the turbulence. And I could tell she was afraid. So I didn't love flying. I really didn't look forward to it. Then after I had land in and I had met land in mom and aughtiana. Things started like kind of wearing on me a little bit. Like I have to go on tour right now. Or I have to go to play this show. I'm going to be on a plane and I could die. And I could not come back to land in an aughtiana. And you know that really started wearing on me. Then mixed with a couple bad flights that made flying worse. That's where things kind of took a fall for me. But it still didn't affect how much I love playing in the band. But I found myself like self-medicating in order to leave my children and you know just fly. At what point were you introduced to drugs? Probably right around the time of take off your pants and jacket like between in and mind take off your pants. And it just started with like a Norco or a painkiller just to like mellow me out. But it would get tricky because I couldn't really take them before shows. It was like the opposite of my playing style like crazy give it all. So I'd have to be really selective when I could do it. And then it got worse and worse after Alabama was born and it would be long periods of time being in Europe or Australia or Japan for two months. That's when I kind of just had a Medicaid to stay to even keep myself on tour and forget that I was away from the kids or whatever else. I had this reflection a few years ago and it's nothing compared to what musicians do. I went on my first world tour and it was 40 cities. So it was like 40 years across. I think it was like across three months. I was in a different city every other day and we went everywhere from Australia to Europe to Dubai to India to all across North America. But I know music tours are like crazy long. And I was older when I was doing it like I went three years ago, 35 years old. And I'm like god if I was doing this any younger I totally see how this messes up everyone and leads them towards some sort of coping mechanism because I was like this is hard and this is tough like being on the road for this long. You couldn't really tell because I think when you see your favorite artist on stage, obviously it looks like they're having the best time of their life and everything's amazing. Yeah. And not realizing that the travel, the staying in a hotel, the loneliness, the everything else that comes with it. Yeah, you just said it like and I never thought about it. But hotels by yourself for being on tour long periods of time are lonely. Yeah. And then you pinch yourself because you're like dude, this was like you didn't even dare to dream this. You know, so you'd I'd also struggle with that. Like I have it made. What am I you know, like what is it? And then the struggle between Travis that's in the band that's traveling all over the world that's like this rock star, whatever, whatever anyone thinks of me. And then there's like Travis is actually like Ahtiana, Landon and Alabama's dad. That was just hard. A little bit of identity crisis, I think. You know, because I loved both, but I found myself being gone all the time since I was like 21. So yeah, touring, touring started to take its toll. Even today when the first thing you came in and you're like to my kids and you see you come to life and the joy you feel of being a dad. Oh, I love it. Yeah, it just came. It was very natural. I'll always be like I'm really, really tired, but it's so worth it. You know what I mean? I love it all. I mean, I love I love making music. I love playing drums. I love my children. I couldn't like there's nothing more rewarding than being a parent, you know? I like what what you're saying about the identity piece because it sounds like there's almost this friction between, well, I should be grateful because I'm living the dream. Yeah. Like I should just be happy about this. But at the same time, it's like, no, I'm on the road and I'm away. And now I'm having to medicate in order to just numb myself. Yeah. And I've seen people who can be on tour. They can't wait to go on tour to get away from their families and get away from home life. That's not me. Like I'm like, oh, I love home life. I love my kids. Any chance? I'll bring them all on tour. Like I'll literally have my whole family on tour. It's the best. But as I got older and once I got sober, I'm like, oh, I'm going to run three to five miles every morning. I'm going to go get something to send back home to the family. I'm going to practice. I'm going to constantly get better at my skill. What was it like afterwards? Like I think there was a moment we'd hear about this in the documentary. Like from the outside, it looked like everything was made for Blingwani too. But on the inside, there were different things going on. At the time, I can't pick out one thing. I can't be like, it was this one thing that the band broke up over. I think everyone was in a relationship and had their own families. They had their own priorities, their own goals. I mean, we all had priorities. Like my children were always my priority. Even when I was smoking weed and doing drugs, I was only really doing that stuff because I was away from them. The minute I got home, I'm like, super dad. You know, I know Tom says in the documentary, he was like, my wife wanted me to be home. And I didn't need to take my daughter to school. Well, I had three kids at the time that I needed to take to school, you know, but it was just touring too much for the band. And I think Tom also had like this, we had done box car research together, which was a side band that we did. But I think he also just thought maybe he could do it on his own without the band. He needed to go try and figure that out. And then the story of our band, which everyone knows and all the fans have lived through is our band breaks up and then I get into a plane crash where, you know, and then our band gets back together. Then we break up again and then Mark got sick and then our band gets back together again. You know, that's why I wrote that song like one more time. One more time, yeah. It's literally our band, you know, in a song. Before we get to the plane crash, which I mean, yeah, I want to spend a bit of time with that. I feel like we send the documentary that after the band breaks up, you like successfully pivot into working across different genres. You're working with other artists, other producers, like you're seeing you go on to, you know, be prolific musically. And then one of the people that you collaborate with is Adam Goldstein or DJ Ann. Tell me about how that collaboration and connection started and what was that relationship like? My band had broken up and at the time I was out, it just in LA doing whatever and I'd seen A.M. spin and it was like at a nightclub and he literally played every genre. He would go from, he put like Dilla into Kelly Clarkson, into the Beatles, into Nirvana. And I'm like, what? He's like, you know not allowed to do that? And you're not allowed to do that that good. And everyone's like jaw dropped. He's just so good. At the time I was playing with TI, I just played with TI. TI just got out of prison and we opened the BET Awards. I was playing with a lot of rappers right after my band broke up. And then A.M. and I were chopping it up and I was like, I feel like there's this DJ drummer thing that I envisioned. And I don't, it's never been done before but I just see you throwing a capella at me and I'm playing drums like remixing stuff live with live 808's. I don't know, I just have a vision. We should see, you know? So we came, got a rehearsal space. We jammed for like six hours. Didn't say a word to each other. Just spoke to our instruments. It was, it was the best. It was magical. For someone who grew up loving every genre of music, I would say I was happily confused. It was the best, the most fulfilling musical experiment ever. And then we started playing shows, played the MTV Music Awards, like played Coachella. It was so fun. That sounds incredible. I mean, you can see you come to life when you talk about it too. It's like, yeah, it was magic. I imagine that's pretty rare in music. Like, you can collaborate with a lot of people but then you meet someone and you just, on a different frequency. We were so similar from like being sneaker heads to collecting vintage t-shirts to both being girl craze, everything at the time. We shared like a brain. Yeah. It was awesome. And what was your engagement with drugs like at that time, like with addiction, substance abuse? I would call it a really well functioning drug addict, where I could smoke 10 to 20 months a day, take a handful of pills a day, and I'd still go running. I'd still do all my meetings. I'd still go to practice. I was just functioning. AM, though, I think was already probably 10 years, 15 years sober. He'd always be, I come to a meeting, you know? I went to a meeting, watched him talk in a meeting one time. It was amazing. It was beautiful. I remember at the time I was contemplating, like, leaving my relationship. I was in this place where I'm on tour. I'm meditating to be on tour to leave my children when I'd get home. My partner at the time wanted, let's go on party right when I'd get home. And it was the opposite of what I wanted to do. I was never out partying or going out to bars or clubs when I was on tour. I was just self-medicating to get through being gone. So when I came home from tour, I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to drink. I just wanted to lock in with the kids. And we were disagreeing a lot. And Adam had said, because I had said, man, I don't know. I think I might be done. He would challenge me. So you got to be sober for 48 hours before you make any big decisions. You need to just completely be sober. And then we'd also see this one therapist that also helped with alcohol abuse and narcotics and stuff. So I would go see him. We'd actually go see him together. So he was just such a good influence on me. He was more than just someone I'd jam with. He was like a dear friend. It's so beautiful to hear about that. I imagine he seems like a good influence too, like a positive. The best, yeah. That was the only way we were really different is because I wasn't sober. I wanted to take you back to September 2008, which we were referring to earlier. And at least in the doc, it feels like it's a typical night. You and Adam are playing a show in South Carolina. I think it was. And then you left to the airport to go home. I want you to take me back to that moment in the documentary where like you're pulling up to this plane, which is normal for you, but you kind of sense in that moment that something doesn't feel quite right. Yeah. And can you take me back to that moment? Well, I mean, that show to begin with was like, it was a show that I had like right before like that weekend. I think it was on a weekend. It was like on a Saturday or Sunday, but when Thursday came around, I had said to my manager, is it too late to just pull out? Like I don't really need to do this, you know? It was summer, I think, and I was just so content with being home with the kiddos. And he's like, well, you can't cancel this late, you know? So I ended up flying out there. I had a pretty good flight out there, honestly. I went with me and Lil Chris and Chey. And it wasn't bad, but it was a planned flight. It was a nicer private plane. I never loved flying on private planes. But I think they had, it was in our deal, you know? So I was like, okay, fly out there. And when I leave and I say, by the Bama, she also calls it and she's young at the time. She's three or four years old. She's like, Dad, don't go home. And she's bawling and she doesn't usually do that. She's like, the roof's gonna come off. The roof's gonna come off. And I'm like, what is she talking about? Like to the point where I like went back in the house and I was like, what's going on, baby? You know, I get there, play our show and then we're supposed to leave the next morning. But everyone else that was with me kind of was like, wasn't her to get home. So we booked a private plane super last minute. There's usually a bunch of hoops to jump through to book me a plane because even back then without an accent, I was like, who's the pilots? Is the, has the plane been maintenance? What's the, you know, I want to know everything. And none of that still happened. Oh, he wasn't checked that. No, I mean, to the best of their ability, but it was still last minute. And no one's thinking, you know, because at this time, everyone's like, Traff, realistically, you're never gonna get into plane crash. Stop, you know, every flight I'd be on like Mark and Tom even would be, you know, before that, they'd be like, do why are you white and eckling? Like, I would have a rosary that I would hold onto. That was my mom's rosary. And I was like, it took everything in me to fly where like when we land, I'd be like, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this. I felt like just so grateful to be, you know, back on land. There was no protocol, I don't believe. We just booked something. I think we get to the airport around 11 or midnight. It's foggy. We show up to the airport. We pass by all the planes that are near the runway at this private airport. And then there's one plane in the distance that's really small. And we pull up that plane. I'm like, this can't be our plane. There's no way. And then like, yep, this is the plane, to the point where I call my dad and showing the plane on my pile. I have an awful feeling like this. I just, I don't know, this plane's small, I feel weird. And I remember I was like upset where my dad was like, come on, like you're gonna be okay. Got on the plane. Was it one of those planes that's so small that the two pilots, like one of the pilots is basically your flight attendant, closes the door and then goes in the cockpit, you know? And then yeah, the rest is history. But I knew, I knew before, like to the point where I was like something feels off. I even told my dad if something happens to me, please make sure the kids are taken care of, please make sure. Like I was saying way too much. - Yeah, wow. - All the signs were there for like, now older me would just say, I think I'm not gonna get on the plane. - Yeah, trust your buddies. - Yeah, but everything was there, everything. - And you've always had this fear anyway, because you don't wanna be away from the kids, you were worried that what would happen to the kids if something ever happened to you. And then but in this moment specifically, you're feeling like there's extra weight and heaviness. - Yeah, I even call it out and talk about it. - Yeah. - You know my dad and saying like, you're gonna be fine, like, you're gonna be good boy, like get on the plane, you know? And I'm like, balling, which is so out of character for me. I'm like, I don't know, pal, like I just feel, I don't know, and I never felt like that before. - Your documentary shows the 911 footage from the night of the crash. - Yeah. - And we can hear you as well. You've jumped off the plane with almost your entire body on fire. I can't even imagine being like conscious in that when the plane's exploding behind you. Like just walk me through what you can even remember of that horrific moment. - I had self-medicated like I always do right before the flight. I was kind of just waiting for takeoff. There's no communication. So no one's gonna be like, okay, we're getting ready to take off because they're on the front. Chris is sleeping, Chase sleeping. I think Adam's sleeping. I'm wide awake. And then we take off. There's like just a huge lot of noise that sounded like gunshots. And the plane spirals out of control. We take off, but there's like smoke filling our cabin. We're going up, we're going down, and we're like hitting the runway. And then going back up, hitting the runway. And there's full fire in the cabin by then. I was just waiting for lights out. I was like, okay, this is really happening. I just couldn't believe it. My biggest fear is like happening. Which still, it feels like a movie to me. It doesn't even feel real. And I'm just holding on, embracing myself. I have my seatbelt on obviously. But this time I can't even see in front of me. We keep going up in the air and then we finally go down one last time and we hit an embankment. And I'm still awake and I'm alive. And there's fire all around me. So my instinct is to get out of the plane. I try going forward to try to get to AM and chain. My hands catch fire, my arms. I'm panicking 'cause I'm on fire. I go to my left. I shake AM, AM wakes up. And there's no fire in your AM. I open the emergency exit. I jump right into the jet. That's where all the fuel is. My whole body catches fire. And then I run, I'm like running against a highway. And I just drip. I just try taking my clothes off. And after I don't know how many feet of running a long time, I just hear someone go stop dropping roll. Which I never thought about once. And I stop dropping roll. AM comes 'cause my socks are just soaked in jet fuel. And he's like padding out my feet. And a few, I don't know, a few minutes later, the plane blows up. And then that's probably right around the time the police footage, like their dash cam footage is. And then it's, you know, being taken to a burn center in six months in a burn center, it's crazy. - This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health. Before this podcast continues, I need you to fill out 37 forms about your listening history. I'll wait. Forget it, that would be ridiculous. Yeah, we all do it every time we need healthcare. But the new Amazon Health AI is different. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history to offer personalized care 24/7. Amazon Health AI is here. Healthcare just got less painful. - Even hearing you describe that now, I just get chills 'cause it's just such a. - It's so painful to hear even, especially with the other people on the plane as well. And then I'm like, what is the first few days and weeks look like for you in the burn center? - I'm in Augusta first. And I remember little things in Augusta. I remember Mark and his wife coming to visit me. I remember my dad being there. I remember kids setting up drum kits outside the hospital. And like I could hear drumming, which was pretty cool and I was so out of it. But it's amazing, I can still remember that. Basically it suggested I get to Grossman Burn Center in LA 'cause it was the best burn center. And I had about 70% of my body burn. - 70%? - Yeah. So I got on a bus and I traveled via bus with the doctor and a nurse 'cause I couldn't fly. Got to Grossman Burn Center. I remember they couldn't get my pain medication right 'cause I was self-medicating for so long that their pain medication would do nothing for me. - So it's doing pain. - Yeah, so I was an awful patient. I feel really bad. I was not a great patient in the beginning 'cause I would wake up during surgeries. And I wouldn't know what's happening. I thought, I don't know what you think. You think someone's attacking you. You're just in pain. There's all these people around you. So I think I swung on Dr. Grossman who saved my life. You know, so I was like, I was just so out of it. And he later told me he was like, it's 'cause you had been self-medicating for so long. I couldn't get your pain meds, right? I was there for a long time. I think I had 30 something surgeries while I was there. I didn't really understand the severity of everything. I didn't know everything that had happened. They had to tell me that Chris and Chey passed away in the plane crash. I thought I would ask where they are in the hospital. And if I could go see him, I wasn't in a good place and I was so medicated. I didn't really know what was going on. So yeah, it was hard being in there and missing their funerals. - And 'cause you went to hospital? - Yeah, I'm in the hospital. And then they're like, you know, we might have to, we might have to amputate your foot. So you have all these thoughts. When you're able to process your thoughts in there, when I had those moments, I would just be like, what the, you know, how did this happen? You're just in disbelief, you know? And when I think about it, I wasn't just a patient that was like 70% burn. I was like dealing with loss, you know, two of my best friends. I was also like the trauma of being in a plane crash was like, I was talking to a post-traumatic doctor all the time. The thing that would have been probably the most healing would have been to see my kids, but I couldn't see 'em 'cause I was like, basically a huge open wound, you know? So it was difficult. - How long before you saw your kids that time, do you remember? - I think about three months and I was able to, they were able to come outside on a balcony and I was able to see 'em for a little bit, but that was the hardest thing. I felt like as soon as I got out of the burn center, when I was with them, that was like, that was my strength. - How was it having been so close to death, like how that changed how you feel about living? - I was struggling with survivor's guilt. That was hard to comprehend, like how I was supposed to be. It wasn't actually until recently where I could finally be like, okay, live in their honor and do what would make them proud. - What changed recently for you to realize that? - I got to a place where, you know, I didn't fly for 20 years and something hit me one day. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm living the whole rest of my life since the plane crash, like not flying. And I'm like, this thing has like so much power over me. If there's like one thing I gotta figure out, I gotta figure that out. I don't even know what to compare to, but I would wake up and I would think about it. Whether it would be the band saying, hey, you have like this offer to go play here, or I mean, that's what it usually was in the beginning, but I would really, I'd be like, I don't care about any shows, I don't care about whatever. My kids didn't fly. We were like, we were on buses 24/7 or on boats. I would take the Queen Mary II from New York to London. So I was fine with it, but then there was this piece of me that burning inside that was just wanted to fight and I was like so pissed off and I was like, I can't, I can't die like this, you know? And around the time, not to skip around, but like Courtney and I had like really connected my wife and she was like, oh, there's so many places I want to go with you and take you and I'm like, I don't fly. You know in my head I'm thinking she was so cool. She was like, no, there are all places like we can go on your tour bus too. We can drive too. So we were doing that and then I had a massage therapist that I was working with all the time. She's like, you know, like I can always like give you like treatments, but like you have a lot of trauma. I can tell by massaging you, you should try doing breath work because you might release all this trauma. She's like all the trauma and stuff that you're holding on to can also like cause cancer over time. And she just, I don't know for whatever reason, whatever she said to me, it really stuck. So between like breath work, the one desire from my kids to fly in for me to fly again, I just said it one day. I said to my wife said, if you ever have like an idea of somewhere you want to fly that we can't like drive to or take a boat, just book it, don't tell me about it and I'll do it. But I don't want to know too much because I don't want to talk myself out of it. So that's just what we did. I just said it one day. And with the healing, I mean, I feel like being like you said an open wound. I mean, and having 70% of your body burn, that sounds like one of the most painful six month healing processes. It was the worst. Being on fire or the process of skin grafts. I think we share a little bit of photos in my documentary, but we couldn't include most of it because it's too graphic. It's awful and it's an awful process to go through all the surgeries and everything. I'm grateful that I got through it all and Dr. Grossman like saved my life. They say when I got in there, it was life threatening. Yeah, grateful. And most of the people I was in the burn center with were kids, which really bum me out just cooking accidents and stuff like that. I just saw I saw the worst stuff. That building I was in is off van eyes and Los Angeles and the valley. And there's no longer a hospital, but I can drive by there and look at that building and I just I can just be there. There's a quote of yours in the documentary where you say I was suicidal when I was in the hospital. I'll transfer any amount of money. Just kill me. Talk to me about the darkest day you had as you were recovering and how did you even begin to pull through that. That was about the time where I found out, chain Chris were in another room with the hospital. I lost it. And then the doctor's not really being able to give me a time when I'd get out. Couldn't see my kids amputate my foot. There was like, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was just looking for something. At the time, I knew I knew skinhead Rob who was in the transplants with me or one of my buddies. I was like, just please, like I can't do this. I feel like literally living in hell. Obviously now when I think back, it's the last thing I'd want to do is be away from my children or go out like that. But it was just desperation. It was like I said, no light at the end of the tunnel. Were you and Adam supporting each other because you'd both survived? I think he had about 6% of his body burnt. He was only burnt because he was nice enough to try to pat me out. He ended up getting burnt by his neck or something. He was in and out of the burn center in a week. He was flying again. I couldn't even believe that. I was like, he's doing what? It also gave me hope. I was proud of him, but I couldn't even process that he was flying. When we got out him and I would spend a lot of time just talking about what he'd to us remembered from the accident. He had also looked into this treatment where we could retrain our brains. We'd hopefully forget what happened. I think he actually did treatment. I had said, there's no way I'm ever going to look down at my hands, my legs, or forget what happened. Because I lost and my two best friends. There's not a scenario where I forget how they left me. I'm sorry for your loss again, man. It's unfathomable. Thank you. No one can imagine and really empathize with what that feels like to lose your two best friends in that way. Yeah, it's like probably the tenth interview I've done on it. It's like, it gets better every time, but it's like, I don't know. I don't think it'll be something I can ever just talk about and not be affected by it or something. It gets easier every time, but I don't think it'll be ever something I can just breeze through. Does it help talking about it? Remembering it or remembering them? Yeah, I feel like it gets easier every time, but it's still a wound you open back up. I think the hardest part about it all, and I mean, this is when you're watching the documentary, it's like, and then you find out that Adam passes away too. It's that moment where you're like, "How can you possibly live through each and every one of these moments?" And of course, those individuals and the people that love them and the people they loved going through that as well, I'm just that part in the documentary for me is like, you know, the worst. Yeah, it's still the worst for me too, you know? In the documentary, it starts with my mom, which is still hard. The accident, Chris and Che. Obviously, the two pilots too. And then Adam, the one person who is like, this main character in my life who's always such an inspiration and so positive. And just being a great example, you know, being a great friend and also being sober and trying to get me sober, you know, the whole time where friends and stuff is just, yeah, it's like the worst ending to that movie, you know? Especially is because we learn in the documentary that he was prescribed to get back on Xanax, right? To flag and yeah. It's like what I talked about when I'm in the hospital and he's flying, but I don't know he's been prescribed Xanax and I don't think anyone around him knows. You mentioned Survivors Guild. I was like, how do you even begin to process that at the time because you're going through physical pain. There's emotional trauma. There's an intuitive sense that you knew you should have got on the plane. I mean, and then you've got the loss of friends and a loss of, as you said, the main character friend in your life, like it's. It's almost like, how does one person even carry all of this? Oh, when I think about it, I feel like I was just bleeding out at that point. I was like, I was done, you know? It was like I couldn't even get one thing to try to get over before there was, you know, there was like, there was so much happening all at once. There was my accident. There was like the loss of my friends and everyone in that plane and then Adam and then thinking about like Little Chris's family that he left behind. There was, there was so much. Think of everyone's family. Everyone left behind, you know, being a great Godfather to Little Chris's son is my God son and having a great relationship with Chris's mom. Linda and Chase mom, Dalma and keeping am's legacy alive. That's like the best I can do. You know, or it feels like I'm working with them, like honoring them. Yeah, for sure. I'm happy that you've been able to reframe that to being honoring them because it's evident how important they are to you and how much of an influence they've had on you and how you carry them in such high. And that's what comes across in the documentary even today as I'm sitting with you. I'm like, yeah, these are people that you deeply, deeply love. They also like give me strength and I feel like breathwork definitely helped me the power of love with my wife and my children helped me. But I also feel like they helped me and they're with me and that's why I fly again. I say the same thing about my mom. I'm like, there's no way I got one of the most successful bands and I got so blessed to be able to tour the world for the last tower of many years. Like I feel like when people pass away, they are with you. How do you experience that today? How do you how do you feel their presence today in that way? I don't know. I've always felt like that. Do you talk to them or no, that's not me. Yeah, I always like before I go on stage or play shows, I have a prayer list that's that's so long, you know, but when people pass, I feel like they're with me. I don't feel like I ever forget about them or I don't feel like they weren't they're not here anymore because they usually had such a big effect on my life. You know, that's such an impression on me that I keep that with me. That fully resonates and I think you're definitely honoring them by sharing their influence on your life. Right now. Yeah, especially with the flying. I was like, if the rolls were reversed and it was me, the last thing I'd want to do is see, like, aim not fly again. I'd be like, get your ass on that plane. You can't let that determine the rest of your life. What about your life today, which surprise Travis from 20 years ago the most? I've learned to not think I have life all figured out or what can happen and what's possible or not possible. I never thought I would be a new father, you know, sort of amazing little human that I am now. I never thought I would be married again or I would have fallen in love again. It's the most beautiful thing ever or I would have children in their 20s, you know? Or how things would be. I would say my children in their 20s, there's not an age where it gets old or you don't feel like the same love you have for being their father. It's just sort of never ending. It's awesome. I mean, you and Courtney had known each other for years before you ever started dating. What made you know that the timing was right to shift into that phase of your relationship? Just like life happened. I can't explain it. It was, we've lived down the street from each other for years and my life before her was 20 hour studio days. I spend as much time as I can with the kids get back to the studio. There was no relationship in my life. There was no love in my life. I still felt fulfilled. I felt complete because I got so much love for my children. And I love music. I love music. Music is, I couldn't survive without music. I feel like it's when you're in that kind of flow with life that something like that can happen to you. I would just work out with court. I would see you more and more. Almost to the point where you feel so comfortable, it was like, I definitely had stages where I had a crush on her or I thought about her. But then we were seeing each other so often. I was like, oh, I'm also cool with like, having this really good female friend in my life that's my workout friend and we work out all the time and we do Halloween together, Christmas. It was, I don't know. There was also nothing broken about what was going on right there. It was already a special relationship. And then I think I was always reluctant to take it to another place because I didn't want to harm such a beautiful friendship I had with her. So she did it. She just said something one day. And led to us like hanging out and fell in love so quick. We were pregnant within months, you know, with our first baby that we had a miscarriage with. But I always knew and all my friends knew too. My friends used to be like, you in court, when that happens and her and her friends, you always say that to her too, but it was undeniable. I mean, I've had a lot of friends in the last 12 months go through miscarriages. I mean, that must have been exceptionally difficult as well to go through. Yeah, I'd never been through one and we weren't like actively trying to have a baby. But when you know you have one and you're starting the process of going to the doctors and you're looking at ultrasounds, I mean, anyone who's a mother or father, you know how precious that is in that whole time, having a child is a miracle. It makes you, if you don't believe in God, you better start after you have a child 'cause it's a miracle, you know? That was a hard thing to go through, especially six months into our relationship. But it just made us stronger and kind of really let us know that we wanted a child together. Take me to that moment that you and Courtney welcomed Rocky into the world. You know, I had to come home from Europe about eight months into her pregnancy because they said he couldn't breathe and one of his lungs wasn't working. So I literally had flown to Europe and I flew back an hour later and they went and did the surgery where they released all the fluid in his lung. And I was saying I had prepared for the worst. Honestly, I thought I was coming home from tour to say goodbye. And this one was gonna be really hard 'cause he was eight months, you know? I already knew what his name was. I was just preparing. And I had the worst flight from Europe where we didn't have internet on the plane for some reason. They're like, "Our internet's not working." And I was like, "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." That's what it was then. "You gotta be kidding me." And she was having surgery. I wasn't gonna make the surgery, but I was gonna be there right afterwards. And then he made it through the surgery. I think I was still broken from the miscarriage where I was afraid to get to attach to the idea that he was gonna make it and then he fucking made it. And it was the most beautiful thing ever. You know, I'm so attached to him. He's, I don't know if it's 'cause he's a Scorpio and he's born the same month as me, but he's just, I mean, every one of my children is like a blessing from God, but it's to be 50 years old and have a two and a half year old makes me feel like I'm like 20 all over again. And he inspires me to be better. Just like all my children inspire me to be better. When Lanna was born, I started running to the freeway and back, started boxing like every child that's made me better and there's just nothing like it. - Comes naturally to you if it was like being a dad. - I love being a dad. My parents were so amazing, my mom and dad, I just, it's easy to me. - What led to your decision to go sober as well? What did that journey look like for you? - When I was in a burn center and I suddenly wasn't self-medicating anymore, and I'm on so much morphine and so much drugs, all I could think about is getting out of there and never taking anything again. So I went from self-medicating to fly, taking a ton of opiates and smoking a bunch of weed in order to be gone and be on tour and flying be away from my children, to being in a plane crash and having the biggest wake up call in my life. Being in a burn center for six months, having 30 surgeries being in the worst pain in my life, not being aware of anything for six months 'cause I was on so much meds that when I got out, I never wanted to do anything again. My plane crash was my rehab, my time to get sober. It was everything to me. - Yeah, something so life defining. - I don't know where I'd be without my plane crash. I might even still be using drugs, might still be self-medicating to fly. I hate my plane crash, but it's also the part of me. Like I can't imagine life without it. - I think sometimes we have this weird view of turning hard moments into like, "Oh, that was, you know, it's like, no, no, no, it's the worst." It was like, "You know, it's just a part of your life. It's not, it doesn't need to be glorified. It's terrible and painful and horrific and people died." - Yeah, I can't think of anything positive at it. - I only can say is like I now accept it, which took me a long time. - What was your first plane ride like that you took after that? - It was to Mexico City with court and her mom and her mom's boyfriend and it was like the smoothest. You know, my documentary almost didn't come out. I almost didn't let it come out. It was finished in 2017 and the pitch to me for the ending was, "Can you just go walk on a plane?" And at the time I couldn't, like the plane, the plane equals death to me. It couldn't even walk near a plane. It equals like, what almost killed me, what killed two of my best friends and also had affected like AM too. It's just, it's so many bad memories. My kids, I went to an aviation field trip with Alabama and I couldn't walk on the plane. My daughter couldn't even walk on the plane. So when they had pitched that to me, I'm like, "That's not, I can't do that." They're like, "Well, you have no ending to your documentary." So I'll put my documentary out when I'm dead. Like I don't, that's not the ending. That's another thing that triggered me to be like, not flying has so much power over you. Like it has power over your whole life where you go, how you travel. So that was like really big. When I flew again and my kids flew again, and it was like a major life change. It was like this valve got opened that had been closed for so many years. All these misconceptions of what flying would be like, none of it existed. It was fine. It was the smoothest flight. It was, there was no tragedy. There was no trauma. There was no, no one got hurt. It was like nothing that I had painted it out to be because of my last experience. - How did you build the carage up to even walk in again? Was that the breath work, the? - Sober, yes. - Yeah, sober. - And taking anything to fly. I did breath work leading up to it. I did breath work about six or seven times leading up to it, which I would just all my eyes out for hour, each time. Like I had no control over it. And I connected with Little Chris and it, I connected with my mom. It was so therapeutic for me. And I just got to this place where I, I told myself I just gotta have faith. It's just like this fear that I've made up. It doesn't exist. You talked about this earlier about the band and I had a lyric from one more time that I love so you say in one more time, "Do I have to die to hear you miss me? Do I have to die to hear you say goodbye?" I don't want to act like this tomorrow. I don't want to wait to do this one more time. I feel like what you were saying of this back and forth and how that song is almost like the heartbeat of the band. I want to ask you like, "What does it mean to be able to go back and play with Mark and Tom and have that opportunity and to have had so many moments of splitting up and getting back together?" That's beautiful. I mean, the band is like, it's so important to all three of us. And I think now that we're in this position where we've gotten, we've broken up and we've gotten back together so many times. You figure out a lot about yourself and you figure out a lot about the other people you're either in a marriage with or in a band with, bands a lot like a marriage. I feel like Blink's gotten to this really, really healthy spot where we understand one another and we'll never take the band for granted again. And of course, Mark's experience as well. Yeah. It's like everyone's going through something, in a marriage, in a band, in a team, whatever it may be. And it's almost like everyone's lesson is kind of saying the same thing, which is like, this is rare. When people watch this documentary, which I hope they do for so many reasons that I can think why it's an important watch, whether they're a Blink one or two fan, whether they're a Travis Barker fan, and even beyond that, just I think if you're someone who wants to see someone who's lived and experienced and been resilient through incredible difficulty, I think just from an understanding life point of view, the documentary is powerful. If there was one message that you'd want people to walk away from watching this documentary what would you say is? The kid who was like me who didn't have anything that didn't think things were attainable or almost felt guilty for dreaming. There's parts of my documentary, me being a child and me having the string to play music that tells you it is possible. And it's okay to dream and you will succeed and you can't give up. You know, I was born with a silver spoon on my mouth. My parents weren't music executives. It was just hard work. It was hard work and determination and being relentless. I think for anyone who's experienced tragic loss, I think it's a beautiful story of not letting it destroy you, but let it make you stronger. And just anyone who's afraid, anyone who's like living in fear, I feel like it's a good watch. You know, for anyone who wants to kick that fear, you know, and shows you how powerful you can be and you don't let these things determine you and you don't let them break you. All of it just is life lessons and it makes you stronger. I mean, that themes really come across today. Have you talked about how much your fear owned you? It had owned me completely. It had so much power over me and I was so good just being like this and I'm like, "I'm making records in the studio and my kids are whatever we're taking boats and we're doing whatever." And I was just like, "But then there's this thing and I'm like, I'm going to deal with you at some point. I feel like those hard things are like the life changing things. It's hard, but. And we all have a fear that's owning us, all of us, all of us have one and so." But the hard stuff's the good stuff. You know, it'll be huge. It'll be, you know, monumental if you can face those fears and you just, yeah. Like me personally, my entire life's changed, you know? In a way I never thought was possible. Yeah, we have to run towards what we're avoiding. I always say like that's why I like running so much. Some people like kind of waking up going through their day and just like, let bad shit happen to them and they just take it to the chin, whatever. I'm like, I like running towards it. I like running towards anything I'm afraid of now or I like starting my day with five miles in the morning. I love running long distances. I love like, I love all the hardship. I've already had enough hard stuff happened. I don't want to be surprised by anything. Travis, it's been amazing talking to you today. I've got a couple more questions to end on. I want to ask you, what part of your life today would your mom most be proud of? I think she'd be really, really proud of me executing, you know, her dream for me and my dream for me with music and playing drums. I also think she would really be proud of what kind of father I am. That resonates very strongly. And I wanted to ask you like the over the last decade you've become easily one of the most soft collaborators. What can be so many incredible artists? What have been some of your favorite ones that stand out to you in this incredible career and journey? DJ Am goes down as like one of my favorite collaborators ever. And of course, there's performances that are, I think we're magical. I think the one that's in my documentary is like life. It was like one of those moments where I'm like, after this, I'm good. I don't, whatever happens happens. It was like me, Eminem, Drake and Wayne on the Grammys. It was like, are you kidding me? Even in the documentary, when I watch it, I have like, feel like I have superpowers. I'm like, does this not move you? I like having those feelings and I like being part of those feelings that I can watch and it still gives me that feeling. Tell me something about that moment that we may not know or that we may not see. Grammys has always comes together so fast. There wasn't a bunch of rehearsing or anything. We never rehearsed altogether. I think at the time I was playing with Eminem here and there, played a couple shows with them and I think I rehearsed with him. But that was the first time me, Wayne, Drake and Eminem were on stage together. That's interesting. It was just everyone knew what their job was. That's insane. That's amazing. Travis, we end every episode of on purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence, Maximum. The final five today is brought to you by State Farm. Being financially savvy is a smart move. Another smart move, choosing State Farm to help you create a plan that fits you when you choose to bundle home and auto. Question number one, what's the best advice you've ever heard or received? Find something you love and find a way to get paid for it. Great answer. Question number two, what's the worst advice you've ever heard or received? I think sometimes when people say that's what God wanted. Yeah. I guess that's not advice, but that one's always a hard one for me to accept. Yeah, good answer. Question number three, what makes a good dad? Present dad. Presence is everything. Being present. Not like buying them things, but being present, like putting the time in with your son, your daughter. Question number four, what makes a good friend? Someone that is truly their few all the time. And fifth and final question, we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I have one that I live by that like that I practice on a daily basis. And that's like no matter where I am, I'm usually by myself. I always smile and say hello. Like I think that's really important. I started doing it like years ago to where even sometimes I'd be with my wife. She's like, who's that? And I'm like, I don't know. Just waving though, you know, we're here and like, you might have made that person's day or I know my daughter's been like, do you know that person? I'm like, no, but like there's something about saying hello and smiling to someone that's maybe having an awful day or it could change their perspective. I think that's awesome. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Today's final five was brought to you by State Farm. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Travis Barker, thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I can't wait for people to watch the documentary. Thank you. I hope I get to have many more conversations like this with you and honestly, like the way you've showed up so vulnerablely, thoughtfully genuinely, the way you reflect on your own life is really left to mark on mind. So thank you so much. Yeah, thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Yeah, thank you, Travis. Yeah.