Topping From The Bottom w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 847

(dramatic music) - Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. (upbeat music) - So, and then I was like. - We can just roll, let's just start. Yeah, just keep talking. So sorry, so say what you're saying, and then I'll do the intro, let's buy a call. - No, I was just saying I was gonna kill myself in 1997, and then you interrupt it, it's fine. How are you then? It's so good to see you. (laughing) - 97, you're gonna kill yourself? - No, no, no, no, I, no. Have you ever tried? - Yeah, yeah, oh, yes, I think. - How old were you? - Why am I each exclusive, I'll tell you the story. I was 14, and my parents are immigrant from Hungary, long story short, they divorced. My mother's schizophrenic, my dad's an alcoholic, sex addict, and I was ping pong between the two of them. So by the time I'm 14, I'm out of my mind. - Of course. - So I did what most girls do is the cutting stuff, and then one day I just, I had like a total psychotic break, like a break, and I had a nervous breakdown, and I was like, ah, just blood, blood, blood, yeah. And then my mom sent me to Catholic school, and then I was right as rain. - And then Jesus saved me. - He fucking dead, dude, he fucking dead. - Did you become like super into God? - No, no. - I think I'm into that stuff now more like spirituality, not Christianity, but I believe in a God, yes. - Yeah. - I was always led back, wait, what about you? So tell me about your suicide attempt. - Well, you know, my dad died in '93. I was eight, and then I was like forced to go to therapy and all this stuff, and so I'm like, yeah, 'cause it was like, what do you do with this kid that's like going insane, you know? No one would do with me, and I was bouncing around a lot between different like family members' houses and everything, and I, it was like, it was such a, I won attention, attempt, you know. I think I was like 13, and I tied a bathrobe belt, around my neck, and the door handle, and I just ran, and-- - Wow. - I had scissors in my hand, so I could cut it out. So I was like, clearly, I didn't fully want to do it, you know, and then like one time going to therapy, I was with my mom and my grandfather, and we had just left, and I jumped out in front of a car. - Wow. - It was like, and then I don't think God saved me. I'm trying to think of what saved, I don't know. I just thought, I guess like, I don't want this guy up there, looking down on me, and seeing me like, you know, being so miserable, so far, like, yeah, and then actually around the same time, I started getting like a lot of fights. So I think that changed, and I was like, oh, I could take my anger out on other people, so I was like fighting kids all the time, when I was in grade school. - Man, I don't see-- I see who was a lover, not a fighter. - I am now. - Yeah. - I am now. - You're angry, but you're angry. - I mean, even when I was drinking, like I said, it unlocked this emotion valve in me that I didn't have before, so I could like feel, 'cause I would bottle everything up, and then like, once a year, I'd have like a blow up, and then it finally, like, was a release valve, where I could be sad, or I could be angry, and then I would just get drunk and like, knocked drinks out of people's hands. I mean, I gotta fight me, just so I could like, feel and like get anger out, you know? But I'm very much like a lover, and I recognize I was dealing with like a lot of stuff that thankfully I've like dealt with, and, you know, - Yeah. - Conversion therapy helped a lot from my homosexuality. (laughing) - The blood of Christ is saying. - That's what I hear, is that you can just talk the gay out of people, it's like, well done, works. - Have you seen those Instagram videos of those guys that are like, I'm a gay Christian, but I do not act out. And then like, three months later, they're like, I'm actually I'm gonna act out, but I'll only do it with one partner, and it's like, it's only a matter of time. - I know. - You're back to your sultry ways. - Like, I don't think, I don't think God cares. What orifice you're putting your penis into or rubbing your body. - God doesn't care, but your mom's side of the family does. (laughing) And they will really let you know, at an early age, those things you're feeling and coincidentally, they bring up that are wrong, they'll let you know, go see any, I know, isn't that weird? - Yeah. - Like, that's the cause of so much neuroses, is just like, we don't approve of who you are, is this young person, and you're like, wait, I'm fucked up. - Or even like, you're a fucked up. - Off handed comment, that it'll just like, ring around in your brain forever. - Oh my God, forever. - That's why I'm like, so worried about it. I don't know if I wanna have kids, I really don't think so, but I'm just so worried about this little sponge, picking up some behavior thing. I'm thinking like, I can get away with talking like this or a couple, and then they just pick it all up. - I don't know if I've done. - They pick up, there's a part that's uniquely them. Thank God, that you just, you have nothing to do with. And then there is, but it can be fun. Like, I've actually had fun with it. Like, now those Waymo cars, I just started teaching them to double bird the Waymo cars. And that's like a fun thing they're gonna remember with their mom, you know, Stargazing, things like that. Like, let's go look for UFOs. Like, I don't know, here's a deal. Is that you think you're terrible, but you're not. Does that make sense? - What do you mean? - Like, you're so worried about pat, like I, as I just said, you, I should just say me. I was so worried that like, I would pass on my crazy or my fucked upness to my kids. And it's like, well, 'cause you and I both are like these suicidal teenagers. So I think that the messaging was, I was bad. 'Cause my parents just didn't know how to handle what the fuck was happening, really. So I took it, like, oh, I must be flawed. - Well, I-- - Like, you're not that bad. I can still hear nothing. - My messaging from like, my mom and, you know, like I said, my dad died when I was eight, but he left me, before he went to work every day for like a year or two before he died, he'd write these notes, like these letters on legal pad to me. And then the PS would always be like, thanks for the coffee, dear. Make sure you get the electric bill. You know, like, my and my mom loves, like, joke it around about, like, he, but I was always the PS. I'm like, I don't know how to tell you. But, you know, he'd, roaming these letters, and I never knew it, and then I saw it years, a couple of years ago, rereading them. And the messaging and the letters, the entire, every single fucking letter was like, just be yourself and everything will be okay. We love you no matter what, as long as you, as long as you're Ian, everything will be fine. It's all in your attitude, action speak louder than words. Like, these like, this messaging that I needed so badly growing up that I never really got from him, I got in death by reading these letters. It helped me so much later in life. But the, the fucked up, like, your wrong messaging came from like, other family meant, 'cause I got put, like, moved around a lot. So I would get the, like, I don't remember my uncle at his house in New Hampshire, was like, the neighbors are gay. If you go on their lawn, you'll catch it. And in my mind, I'm like, did I sleepwalk? Like, I'm having a, oh my god. I haven't done car bills on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you don't hear what, see that. I just like doing splits on the floor. I'm like, don't look at me like a bill. But you realize it's Uncle Bill's problem with gays. There's nothing to do with you. Yeah, and they don't know how to deal with it. And that's the thing, it's so weird. It's such a weird thing how you realize later in life. Like, oh, I'm not fucked up. No, they didn't know how to deal with who you are. That's all that is. I feel like this is the first generation of people that are within, like, 10, maybe 15 years of our age, where the first generation to be like, oh, emotions, not hitting for later in life. And then everyone else before was just like this monosyllabic, crazy. Well, and there you have to think like, I think in my, my parents terms, there's like World War I, World War II, and my parents are European, right, and Hungarian. So not, you have just generations of people getting fucked in society, like, World War I, World War II, the communist, the fucking Nazis, the communists, it's just like, they didn't have a chance to sit down and think. It was just survival, survival. So we're the first gen, at least I'm the first generation to be here now. I mean, like, all right, cool. I got this food thing down. I got clothes down. I got a room for them. I've never given myself credit for that. Why would I do that? Why would I be like this is crazy? That would involve self love. Fuck off. We don't do that here, you're my boss. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. We're not doing that, yes. Okay, look, we have to get into the show. Thank you for being here, Ian. Thank you for having me. This is great. So you just started a new podcast on our network. It's not a podcast. It's like an old school TV show. Yeah, it's a travel show called Ian do. And our guy doing our jobs. You just walked into one. I just did. Yeah. I got blessed. She walks into me wrapping up a day where I'm shaving dogs and cats. And I'm like, we still got the cheers. Are you going to come in? You slowly walked out like a cat. I was like, get out of here. Well, I can't wait to talk about it. Tom Segura is out. He is filming bad thoughts, too, in Los Angeles right now. So Ian has graciously decided to come and help me a host of show. So without further ado, let's go into our opening clip. We haven't even done it yet. This one is just for you. And so excited, bro. I've got so many treasures for you, homie. Here we go, bro. You know, I swallowed six loads on the weekend, and it had three grams of protein. I had, welcome to bottoming university. We're talking about foods to avoid on the day of bottoming. Bride, greasy food, your fast food. You want to avoid that going to make digestion unpredictable. Dairy. Let's do know your body can handle it. It's one of the biggest culprits for gas, spicy food. Let's do it, big time. Hold his hand. Don't bring anyone loving for this. No, Bob and the fuck is that? No, no, no, no, no, no. So many thoughts. [INAUDIBLE] Ian, for dare. [INAUDIBLE] Welcome to your mom's house. [MUSIC PLAYING] I'm-- Well done, you got him weight. Sorry. He sucks, huh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck yeah, I didn't feel like shit. Oh shit. Oh, I'm going to complain. That was so good. Thank you. Dude, did you play the guitar? I did when I was younger. I was in a scob band. Scott. I love Scott music. Me too. I feel like it's not cool. No. And I like it. It's always cool. If you don't like it, you're not cool. I like what you like. Yeah. No shame. Yeah. Dude, littleist make a wish dream for me. Yeah. Yeah. My friends band Heywire, they're from Boston. They're really great. They played this festival called "For the Children." They opened up with a cover of "Mighty-Mighty Boston" in suppression that I get. Dickie Barrett came out and sang it with them. And I was the "Scott Dancing Guy" on stage. Yeah, it was a blast. It was cool. Yeah, I like it. I should have bigger dreams. Cool, let's go. Cool. Cool. Cool. No. Mommy's Behind the Jeans is taking a new form as a free weekly newsletter. For those of you who are missing the livestream with Josh Potter, this is a spiritual continuation of that content. It's our way to stay connected with you and share some of the things going on in the studio Jeans world. This newsletter is going to include the behind-the-scenes content dumps and hopefully real dumps. Unfiltered thoughts from comedians, fan submissions, unseen drops that didn't make it to YMH videos from the vaults, staff debates, debates, fucking stupid, stupid peeps. And just overall dumb shit. It's completely free and will drop every Sunday at 12 p.m. Eastern Time. If you want to sign up, check out the link in the description. Proud out. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll raise you. I'm Ian Fire Dance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com/eanfidancecomedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip apart too, bro. Let it loose, too, too. I'll see you out there. How long have you been working here? Ian do. Ian do. Ian do. 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Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Okay, so wait. What do you think of this bottoming diet guide? First of all, how does he know that he drank three grams of protein? I can't. How do you know? I'm queer. I'm with men, women, trans. I'm bisexual, I guess. I am like, antsillarily involved in this lifestyle. And love is love and you should be able to be with who you want. But seeing this makes me be like, I think the Republicans were right. This is a diseased mind. Something is going on here. Why is this? Remember when you're like, this is the first generation where parents are understanding. It's like, they were too understanding. This is not okay. You need to see God. Yes, I agree. Because also there's no shame now. There's like zero sense of shame. Which I think we had a healthy dose of. So for them to be like, okay, hands like you need to do. We have to have that. If I grew up during the internet, the way it is now, like, I used to read poems. I would have been cyber bullied to death. Are you kidding me? Like that God, we get a 56K and it would always go out. Because I would have put this crazy shit online. But this is like, this is crazy. Wait, so is he right though? Do you ever bottom? No. You've never bottomed? No, I have twice. It's not for me. Okay, so, but, okay, because then I have questions. Like, you should clean your system out before you bottom. Well, I think anyone should clean their system out. I always do, yeah. But I mean, do you give yourself, did you give yourself animals? Well, this is a thing. It's so much work. I know. For like, minimal reward to make this motherfucker feel good. I don't think so. Delante. Yeah. It's too much. It's so much work. But unless you enjoy bottoming, the sensation of it. Well, I bottomed for a guy years ago and I was like, never again. And I bottomed for a gal and I was like, you know, she deserves it. Women deserve it. I topped from the bottom. You know what I mean? Oh. I fucked her with my ass. Oh. Okay. She got a groin injury. I see. I see. You were on top. No. Oh. I was on the bottom. Okay. And she was fucking me. Okay. And I rocked her shit. Okay, you rocked her shit. Yeah. Okay, cool. I think I understand. Make eye contact with me when I tell you that. I like, because your world is like, oh, man, like you're cut. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm really into the Epstein files right now. Can you do me a favor and back it up? Can you back it up? Can you back it up? Can you back it up? Can you back it up? How you felt a vent diagram of that in me? Please explain. And don't look to the star. Okay. I'm talking to the aliens, man. Okay, look. How do I put this? How do I put this? I think I'm not, okay. There's a fucking segment of my biggest thrill today, just seeing it. Yeah. My wildest thing is that I'm going to have two cups of coffee today. Woo! And like, I might have a glass of ice. Oh, no, that shit's not who I am now. This is like years ago. No, no, I'm like, we're formed. But I'm just saying like, no, I know you're not now, but I mean like. Now I'm getting too defensive. No, yeah, like, I'm not shaming. Just pop the cock out of my ass one way. I'm just saying that I did not admire, but I'm like, I'm so curious about people that just, sorry, let it rip this way that you do. Like, how do you do that? How are you like, I've just bought on this chick. She just fucked me and I dick fucked in the night. Lady, if I could figure it out, I would have, if I could just pick a side or a team I would. If I, if God could come down and just give me a head injury to where I'm like, I'm fully straight now. I'd be great or like, you're fully gay, but like, I don't know it. It's kind of like the weather. But you do, because I think I'm so. What if you have that inside of you just having a lock to get? I tried in college, like I did. I digger books in college. Drugs in college. I did. I was in San Francisco in the 90s. Like, it was the best, dude. You have done drugs. I've done, I tried to be a whore. I really did. I just think it's not in my. Well, don't get it twisted. When I did that shit, I wasn't skipping around town on a high note. Being like, I feel good. I feel great. I just called my mom. It was like, I just need a way to feel not do drugs again. Oh, yeah. You're acting out. So you're coming from a place. I mean, I definitely am like attracted to that. But you like dudes. It's fun. But I like feminine. I like feminine man. I like feminine trans women. Uh-huh. I've dated men, women and trans. But like, when I do stuff like that, it was. I think that was like a form of acting out. But when I date, like a. When I like love a trans woman, I'm not like acting out. I'm just like, no, this is. I like this person. It just so happens there. This thing, but. Emphasis on thing. But. They're just as freak. But like, I. I get it. I kind of get it. I kind of get it. Because it's all just skin and folds and nerve endings and. No. Well then, there you go. That's the one. That's your answer. I fucking didn't have a chance. That's your answer. No, you're gonna get jacked around a little as a kid. And then you're like. Oh! The governor's off on the crazy train. Oh, I had to have been. Oh, yeah. You think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, everything else fucking pretty much happened. Yeah. But yeah, gosh. Gosh. Okay. Okay, so what. Yeah, go ahead. Can we go back to how you somehow correlated this to the Epstein files? That's a fun road to go down. Hey, so you've been with men, women and trans. You know that serial pet. Oh, Epstein kind of reminds me of. And then God bless you. I just. You're not on the list. Yeah, I know. Not on the list. But like, that. That like wild party world is what I'm saying. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot say that it's a wild party world. That's fun. You're not. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. The Boplinov flesh and fun. That lifestyle we wish we all lived. Can you imagine like Deepak Chopra allegedly is on the list and can you imagine that fucking snooze fast being normal? Do you know what I mean? Having to listen to his bullshit before he fucking does whatever he does. I'm gonna be honest. I want to be a board of this riff train, but I need to buy a ticket first and buy a ticket. You have to tell me who Deepak Chopra is. Oh, bring him up. So this is my favorite in terms of creeps that have been on this list. He's a lot lighter of a skin color than I thought. Deepak? Deepak? So Deepak? He was like the conductor of the Darshi Limited. I don't know. So Deepak Chopra is like a self, like a guru, one of these spiritual people. Great messaging about awakening and meditation and Oprah really blew him up in like the 90s and such. And she blow up a couple people that turned out to be like funky. Yeah, on the on the alleged out alleged Epstein Island files and she's on the alleged Epstein. They're all all right. Everybody gets a kid. You get a kid. You get a kid. You get a kid. There's one on the you chair. And by the way, there's one thing. Yeah, there's one thing too. Like there's an email exchange between a Tia and Epstein 1700, right emails. And he's like, I didn't know or allegedly. I can't I didn't know this guy would listen to these guys. So busy getting my kids that they couldn't run a spell check on these emails. I don't understand. It's like, do they not? They know how to ship a kid to an island, but they don't know about the Oxford comma. It gets crazy to me now. So, so Deepak again, like wrote some good books as I just hate it when spiritual people like the gurus end up fucking their following, which they always fucking men always do this. Isn't that about like the not the Raj Neesh? What was that? Wild, wild country that documentary about the I know you're talking about they all were doing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These guys always bang there. Oh, no way that guy. Yeah, the free love cult. Wait, go down. What's it say? There's there's like options for Netflix on the screen. I don't understand what's going to watch that guy's videos. Yeah, the Raj Neesh. Yeah, that's that's it. Yeah. I mean, I guess when you're in charge of a cult, you're so high on like everyone looking up to you that it's hard. I guess I can imagine it's like, well, where let me go further? Let me go further. I guess. But you and I have a certain level of celebrity and and resources and like we don't abuse that. I don't know nothing. I do nothing. Well, I think I think money and power corrupts to like a level that like we couldn't even imagine and I and I'm so glad I can't imagine because I could never see myself going past that line, which I think there's a lot more good out there than bad for sure. And right now, there's just such a microscope on bad. And it's just so sad that there's so much evil and horrible horrendous things going on in the world. But there's so much more good than bad and like I know no matter how much money, you know, I mean, a brag, but no matter how much money I get, I don't think I could take advantage of people, you know, because it's not in your DNA. And I also think you have to be a piece of shit before you had the money and the power. And I think you have to be some sort of sociopath to when I achieve that level that like you were kind of fucked to begin with, you know what I mean? Like these people are on a level of psychopathy that I could or psychopathy or whatever that I couldn't even imagine. But like, can you even imagine, first of all, Ian, like you're an enlightened master. You're like, I've finally achieved. I am. Oh, this is imagine. Okay. I had the spiritual awakening. Like isn't part of being spiritual and being awakened to not be inclined to create celebrity around the fact that your. Yeah, because they're all fucking frauds. Yeah. True spiritual awakening is recognizing that you have the ability to help other people. Yeah. But you have an ability to realize that you're nothing. And so to make yourself out to be something is the antithesis of having a spiritual awakening and being a leader. So like you're a fucking fraud. You're a suspect. If you have a spiritual awakening, shouldn't it be to like help others not take advantage of anything else? Does anyone else feel like online shopping has become a guessing game when it's time to check out? I was constantly building hearts than abandoning them when it asked me to log in and check out. 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I was going to go to Shake Shack but damn just everything filled the fuck up in the city but it's like hibernation and everybody's trying to get the last piece of fucking chicken. It's crazy. But I will say the amount of dick in the city and it's the perfect time because my dick just started working again too. Ever since I came back from L.A. I didn't take my medications for like two fucking weeks. Now I'm shooting loads on the fucking walls, the mirrors, my face, everywhere bitch. Wait, okay. I can only get to my chin. I'm blessed we're getting to the face. She's the real one. So she's she's she's she's she has a D. You can say it. She's kind of she's trans. She's a dick. Sorry. So it's a guy. What are you apologizing for? But but what does she take to blow loads? Wait. Why imagine? Why imagine the hormone replacement therapy and the estrogen. It basically kills your sex drive and kind of really makes it so that you can't get a rouse anymore. So if you don't take it, you just get like a bird. Like if you ever been on any depressants. Yeah. Of course. It did it affects your sex drive. Oh, thankfully. I was on Soul Loft. I sometimes I couldn't get hard. Sometimes I could come and I got off of it. And now I'm like, I'm coming to fast. Let me just get a little crumb as old off before I guess I would do fuzzy. Yeah. But yeah, I could imagine like her not taking her meds for two fucking rock hard. Yeah. Oh right. So she goes back to being a dude. Well, she's always like has like the biology of a guy because she was born male at birth. Correct. She's transition to be a woman. Correct. So she's got tits and she's taking estrogen to keep the feminizing. So I want to know what. Okay. It's like, what do you want to know? I want to know what she's fucking on. Like, how was this? I mean, even though I use transomins penises as a microphone, I don't want to use that as a soap box to get up your breach. But like, again, like, what is she? What's the cocktail? Like, what do you take to keep your to get directions and have estrogen in your body? I just don't know. I think this is like, I don't know if this is like across a board representative of like all people or trans people. But I think some of these videos are like very baby. She's just like very attractive. And it's like, oh, and then like, there's like a whole subculture of like, uh, Instagram thoughts that start videos out to like bait you in. And then like, there's like hot Instagram trans girls. And every video has to do with them like being trans or having a day because it gets like a bunch of guys like looking at stuff. But I think like, I don't know about, I mean, I imagine it's the same as being on any depressants. If you stop taking it, it's going to change your your your brain chemistry and everything. So things are going to like change. So is she your type? Would would you date this lady? Sure. She's she's pretty. She's feminine. Yeah, she likes check it and shake shack. I'm down. Everywhere. Even the pigeons want to grab. But all I'm going to say is I was talking to this fine shit surgeon earlier today and this fine model shit. Just so many fine shits, everything, everything. The only issue was I was so easy to get my I asked the fuck up and fill it with water. Oh, yeah, so much work. Oh, you really picked these videos out for me. Yeah I thought these are just random video. No, no, this is hand selected buddy. You're the only one Would it be so funny even that video you just see me peek out? On the forest gump of trans Instagram videos Life is like a box of chocolate. Do you want to do before you eat it? Definitely do So do you when you top do you make them douche? No, you're okay with poopy on your No, I think it's like common courtesy. I mean even women take care of their High end quarters. Yeah, you know, I don't do butt stuff though. I'm very afraid of it. No, no, I'm so I'm fine Why would God put a water park next to a roller coaster if you didn't want you to ride both rides hmm That's what she told chicks to get them to do this shit you're that guy Is there for a reason Yeah, well, no, I'm not I'm not like a anal right away guy. No, no, I like butt stuff like But I'm not gonna like it's like I'll you wait a while you wait a while because that's like a year into the relationship Yeah, no a month. Sorry. I don't know. What's your one other year to a relationship? I'm getting in a new relationship Okay me to baby Older and tired with life you get tired of getting that whole fucking you know watered in I can celebrate for like a month and a half Oh, it's not that I'm doing it too much. It's just I'm fucking heal. I can't go back to the streets But I want to be so bad. I might tonight. I got a new job. Let me tell you now Didn't she watch the video that other guy? I know about what to do You know what we should do. Have you ever seen those pranks when one person calls an Asian a Chinese restaurant the other person calls it And they order at each other. We need to do that with those two videos No greasy food. No greasy foods, but I want the greasy food No, I mean like I know I look like I you know Work part time is a bridge troll, but I get like top of the line Women and everything that like um, you know, it's like I they're clean, you know, who are you pulling better looking Men or better looking women? Any human that I pull your jaw will be on the floor by how much I'm batting out of my league It's crazy. What's your secret for for people listening tell me the secret. I'm just myself You think that's what it is. You're just openly who you are. I I mean for better or worse thorns and roses I am who I am and I don't change or back away from anything, you know, whether it's you're gonna agree with it or not I try to live as righteously and truant authentic to myself as I can and I think that attracts people I mean, but I also had to really Really develop a personality Yeah, because God did not bless me in the looks of her That's I don't think so. I think you're very I think I'm like very non traditionally handsome But like coming up is like a kid when like you start to meet girls and stuff like I was you know like criminally ugly So I had to be like we see pictures of you as a young person Yeah, 20 teenage pictures of you. I don't buy that as a boy. I don't I think you're very handsome. I don't see that I appreciate it. I think you'll think you're uglier than you're The picture of me in six grades. Oh, yeah, yeah That kid has to make you laugh. I love him. That kid loved Nirvana so much I parted my hair in the middle because that's a curco-bane dude. I used to cut holes in my jeans and we're long underwear Yeah, yeah, you was a good guy. Yeah, yeah, and then that that was uh, that's me and my dad And then that down there in the middle is when I ran cross country senior high school. Oh my gosh, look at your hair I know you said long flowing. Yeah Maybe you just lived in the wrong part of town because I feel like all the boys I grew up with in the valley Your typical valley Jewish kid right Josh is all low 100% yeah, I think I'm just gripping their own town. Was that a Voice dropper? It's all I want to talk that sounded like you hit a button. It's like 100% 100% he here he grew up in the valley Let's see the valley So he knows exactly I think I just looked different than everyone else around me and I think that gave me a perception of Not being as my driver and I'll say yes, but I think that's very kind, but I do like I think So long so sad it's a valent valent times day this weekend Why my lipstick if you haven't for your for your sweet don't you hate valent times day? I have a valentine I could bring her the lipstick. Yeah, it's you're with a lady right now. Yeah So what is that like do you you got to do you get grossed out by us and like our our smells and our periods and like it does it you have to like shift Gears a little bit when you're with a lady. I love smells. I'm a huge Faremont guy I'm like if I am with you and I like you want to live in your armpit Okay, go to the gym don't shower sit on my face, but if a guy if I get a whiff of One odor from a man. I'm like get the fuck out. Yeah, I don't mind hair with women But if a guy has hair, I'm like darn how you need to leave they're now Yeah, you need to go. I like my men like hairless dolphins. Really? Yeah, do you okay? What about that's the thing? I'm like I'm I'm so like feminine feminine. Yeah, feminine man feminine women feminine trend I that's the thing everyone's like oh your your buy you must like like Man-ass. I'm like no, that's like disgusting. Yeah, I do not like any of that like that guy that was on the squeeze like not That's like gross to me. That's gross to you. What about? Zolo, where are the videos that I've been recently getting into Also, I just want to say yeah, just because You know if anyone out there is with someone who's like buy or like we're whatever just because you are that doesn't mean if you're in a relationship With an opposite sex person you're gonna be like long a cheat on you with a guy like that's not how it is Like if you're with someone you're with someone and it's Although I have been sucking a cock and I'm like, God, I really fucking miss bosey You know, but in the confines of relationship. I'm very like Monogamously interested in only that but who's easier to deal with men or women sexually People have asked that and it's so funny because got like everyone's like dude It must be so much easier dating guys. It's like I date feminine. So I'm with feminine guys who are like, you know, you've only been talking to me like at night and I'm like I thought we were gonna Bro down brother. Come on. Let's play Madden and blow each other. What the hell is it? That's what I imagine the allure is to being with the bro Yeah, as you can just be like I guess that's what it's like with a bro But again, like I like that the guy dated was like a handbag designer and used to take us out to like Louie Louie Vuitton and all this stuff. He had like a three-story firehouse convert into a home like he was so like Again, like out of my life. Yeah, he's great. Don't work out. What about this guy? You're the old muscle guy on Instagram. He's not quite the flex. I was looking for it. But The flex well So you know I'll thank you Have a great day. Now, what are you asking me? Like here's the thing that guy No, aesthetically First of all, this is why the socks and the sneakers with the History homework Getting your mic on. But he looks good. He looks like an attractive older man. Somebody needed to school him I'm wet to wear for the video like really it's just a fashion. But isn't that the point of him showing off his body? What to get someone to help him? Wait, what's happening? Okay. I'm saying like the bod is solid. He's right He's an old bodybuilder blah blah blah. It's just the outfit. So it's so it's terrible But isn't that what he wants to reveal like this is as close as naked as possible, right? I know, but Well, you think you should have better socks, but women don't like this Uh honey. I don't think he's looking for women Okay. Oh, you think he's on your on your team. He's looking for bros. Well, I'm not what do you mean my team? You know what I mean if I can whatever Oh, no, and well man mental pain She'll be studied in a line God, I know, right? No, I think I think this is made for guys, right? Wow, you just blew my mind, dude. Yeah, is it just a little 100% Yeah, this is not for women How like still hungarian are you? Like how oh Yeah, I thought this is what men look like I don't know if you want to get women put fish on your shoulder You don't not understand does he have onion in your mouth? Maybe attract woman. Yes, this is my uncle T-Board. He's always Flexing. Oh, did you hear that? Oh, this is that was great. What? No, just me. Oh, I tell you meant your accent. No, no, no, I I shorted out something here Maybe you shorted out from seeing such a hot guy That's your brain now could you pull him do you think you would I've one time tried to get So hook up with a guy like that But he looked like that but he had like a long beard and he was like Italian and I was an error zone and I wasn't feeling too good so I was like let me let me see if someone can suck the bed and say what I mean so he came to my hotel and I could not get hard to save my life and he was Italian like fresh off the boat and it was I mean it was like putting a marshmallow in a light sock and it just like wasn't working and he was like on his knees and I go hey man I don't think this is gonna work and he goes I understand I'm sorry and he's kind of been left oh sweet good nice that's nice well that that's the thing on like a hook-up app it's very much like what time was it high when I went to hook up with this guy and we both got there it's like middle of the day you're not I don't drink it's like another sober guy so you're like oh I guess we'll just and we both took off our pants and we're like well um do you get fucked and he was like no do you get fucked and I was like no and he was like all right man well I guess I'll see you later I was like I'm fair enough we just got up you guys won't even give each other bj's or handies not even interested you just wanted that I mean I would have gotten a bj but I was like gonna like force it but I thought he thought I was gonna it was such a such a who's on first yeah it was it was too much you know have you ever done the hanky system is that true so in San Francisco in the day and cruising different color hang yeah that's true though that was a thing yeah yeah well cruising is a real thing he tell me tell me the politics of cruising like what walk around you get like a vibe from a guy and you make eye contact and then you go somewhere and hook up and you just you go like hey dude yeah you look like you're having a seizure bro bro how many how many straight guys have you been with oh I don't know I don't think Annie that dude that's a thing is like that's what we want because every woman listening is like oh my god is he in has he has he had sex with my husband like how many straight guys out there are well dude that there's like a thing in gay culture where some guys want to pull like a straight guy yeah that's that's a thing that always kind of fucks me out where I'm like I'm very like specific attracted to a certain type because I've never been attracted to do a guy friend I've never been at a sleepover with my best friend Bill and be like brother can we just do this you know it's always just like I'm I'm never walking down the street and I like check a guy it's I'm telling you it's always like I don't know like a very not what people think it is like I've never been like you're very comfortable in your own I want to get that guy yeah and your own dick skin I mean it took me a while yeah it's apparently worked on it though but he really I have I've done like a lot of work on like myself and how I navigate things you know because I I wasn't for like a very long time well of course it's got to be it's got to be a lot yeah it's a lot yeah I mean I know I'm not the only one and it's like I it's it's so funny because I feel like at times I talked about this stuff way too early in my career because I've worked really hard to get away from being like the crazy like sex story guy or whatever so that's not really who I am but that was very much who I was for a while of course and it's funny because people I ask and I'll ask why I'll answer but I know that there are like a lot of people out there that feel the way I do and don't feel okay for it so I I understand that you know I've I can be someone that makes people feel okay with being who they are and that I I love that but it's you know like I'm not like some some guys are like DM me and be like I you made me feel so all right with with who I am and who I've been can I blow you get away from me it's a mad it's just because I'm by doesn't mean I have no standards right that's true it's just yeah you're not just like but I understand it's like fascinating because there aren't many out there or if they are it's like a lot in secret but I've never I don't think I've ever been with like a straight guy or like I am to my type is like black ballerinas and I don't think many of them are straight yeah because I think I think you're right of at least in my boring straight world I know that I live like a pedestrian suburban mom life like maybe in San Francisco and I knew guys doing stuff you just have to be in the in the world of it I think to see it more like when I was like in my 20s and hanging out with gay guys and bisexuals and whatever in San Francisco that's that's it or New York or where you don't find many of that much of that in Austin no it's like one street right like I don't think it's okay look what about this guy we need to talk about this let's go beware ladies if you have a adorable face I may have to go like this to you oh yeah I'll show you how watch this watches every on the ground is gonna get first you see one the most adorable ones of all I'm gonna be you is that a refrigerator that he clearly has a woman's head inside of oh I take it you want some cute base BBB BBB aw you're adorable BBB BBB so if you have a adorable face you're getting BBB I can't judge him because I do the same thing with pictures of cats well that's different yeah that little BBB at a boop boop but cats are the best I love them I know I've recently transitioned to being a cat lady and I'm so happy about that how many do you have two now what are their names uh biscuit and munchkin oh I don't like that they should have human names but that's okay well my kids name them I know that's okay that's okay I would name them people's names because I do think that's way fun here yeah what do you name Glenn and Samson those are my look Samson here Glenn here that's very nice of you to let your kids name I I think I'd be too like no we're naming them Herman I know no I don't do that shit to my kids and I also don't like choose their fucking Halloween costumes which I think is cool now what about because we share a lot of interest with music yeah what about music are you gonna impart what you like under them absolutely well your thing I I merely suggest for instance in the car when I'm driving you put on what you you're listening to the pixies guess what now they love the song gigantic and that jacket yeah and they go a big big penis because everything's penis talk and dicks and balls like sure now they like that they like the clash yes I get them into awesome attraction rather than promotion yeah I think that's very important yeah you don't like it that's okay but you're not gonna listen to bullshit I don't want to hear fucking kpop demon hunters I'm not gonna let you guys do that I'm just gonna let you know that that's bullshit time for skibbity toilet yeah this is time for Richard Helen avoided yeah I do like that yeah okay ready you kids this song to you yeah it's where you're gonna be a blank generation oh I know look at this you're done this to somebody before why would you do no suck it up don't leave it out it makes it grosser oh poor woman I know why would you do that oh she can fall on her oh stop stop Christina stop put another man talking about his bottom diet this is disgusting it's my grandmother oh my god yo can you fucking this is your mother-in-law feeding my mother-in-law uh egg while she's fucking down their mother no because you need to be doing this a charo and murder her she would die that's great how do you dude I feel so bad for old people who have like a young relative that's trying to be like a type person I hate it and it's like oh every day grandma lives with PTSD hell of like oh she got milk bombs from the refrigerator and she's like I just want to live in peace before I die you know it always made me so mad and I love uh Johnny Knox fill I love jackass I love those movies I hated it when bam would mess with his parents sorry pass pause I'm gonna go take a push too yeah get to go pee the time is now I'll take over the show Christina you know being a first-generation immigrant do you ever find out uh maybe that's the reason why you've such rigid views on homosexuality I know you're kind of putting a magnifying glass on me and my proclivities let me ask about you well this time you got jammed out have you ever fucked a gay guy do you want to watch you put on another video that uh alienates Ian I just pick a video of like some house mom on the view and I'm like what do you think of this relate dude this is so funny the notes for the show gay clips for Ian Ian's most degenerate stories what the fuck is this your mom's house but certainly not my mother's at least I'll be treated with some respect Zolo this is how you treat the hot new star of the YMH network can you please keep this in the episode please this is I'm so happy because finally I don't have to talk to a woman oh my god that's so funny Ian's most degenerate stories wow is that all I am to use all of you also like cats oh just a cat gay guy is that what it is I bet I've been interviewing you without you being here and said Christina do you think being a first-generation immigrant plays a role in your rigidity towards your views of homosexuality most definite now looking at me under a microscope is one of your peachy dish freaks do you think that - That your view of my lifestyle is coming off as being a bit condemning me for-- - Do you think so? Am I? I don't mean so, I'm just curious. No, my life is so mundane. It really is. - No, no. I get like rolls and like what the show is, you know, like Tom's kind of like the head of the ship and you're the cool. And I just think, you know, it's like a fun dynamic, you know? - No, but I'm genuinely curious, 'cause I do live a very boring. - Yeah. - Sheldart life. But I hope you don't take it a judgment. I really don't judge. - I'm laughing, no, no, I understand. No, no, I know it's fun and interesting. - It is fun and interesting. What about this, the aftermath of the egg mouth, ready? - No, no, no, I can't watch this for a woman anymore. - Not yet. Oh no, is she gonna puke? You've got the noise of Christina. - I hate the noises, so I don't like puke. Oh! - Oh, no, not the hula. - This is the noise I made after the first time I sucked it in. - Yeah, I mean too. (laughing) - What is wrong? - Why'd you put that in my mouth when I was sleeping, Tony, on my first grade baseball team? (laughing) - Like, also too. This is so much reaction. Like, don't you think you'd be like, what the fuck, dude? - Yeah, but do you think that one, like, down her gullet, right? She's like sleeping and she's like, back like this. Like, that's horrific. We should do the TikTok egg challenge. See how long we can have a raw egg in our mouth. - So cruel. - Okay, why do I try to? So she's mad, no. - No, no, no. She's like another language person. - No, she's like a Romanian granny. - Please, please, we have to get ready for Gypsy Wedding. - Yeah, I was gonna say. - My daughter, my granddaughter, eight, today is her wedding. Oh, she doesn't have teeth. No wonder more egg got down her throat. There was no barrier. Stop making the noise, man. Dude, is this your first time seeing this? - Yes. - First of all, they're not afraid of the Romanian grandma. They fucking should be. I would never do that. Would you do that to anybody in your family? - No, they're all for her speed. - She makes eye contact, you're gonna find out how you die. Are you kidding me? - No, I would never do that to another person. That's like terrible. - Can I show you some choice, tech talks? - Yes. - As you guys, as you know, I can still hear the woman's noise. (laughing) Hold on, hold on. Wait, which sound? (burping) - No. - No, stop, stop, stop, you're evil. You are the C word. - Oh, you dick. - But also, lady, sit up, sit up, sit up, sit up and spit at the fuck out. Why does she chew it? - I don't know, man, why are you showing me again? - What is wrong with you? - Dude, the noise, the noise, it's like when she starts to blow up. - No, I hate it too. - No, I tasted it, did you taste the egg this time? - No, no, you're doing this to be a pervert, I tasted it, I tasted it. - I don't want to do the egg challenge anymore. - This is not like a real talk, no, it's just a single fucking ass. - No, this is like pure evil. - Fucking ass. - Yeah. This is like a challenge for the next song movie. - I'd murder somebody. - There's no LOL in this, you know what I mean? I'd fucking murder somebody. - If you got woke. - Fuck you, dude. You're then like getting water splashed on me. Like someone dumping a bucket of water on your head when you sleep in? - As you sleep in? - Yeah, that was a jarring way to wake up. - Yeah, I was like. - Time my mom used to wake me up. She'd take a spray bottle and just spray me in the face. - Like a cat? - Yeah. - That's terrible, it's so mean. - Ah, just kidding. (laughing) - What a bitch. - Well no, I like wouldn't wake up in the morning. - Yeah, but still, I wouldn't do that to my kids. - I guess. - I mean, nothing else worked. - I know. - She's an alright lady, back off. - Is she an alright lady? - Yeah, she's the best. - Is she cool? - Fucking rules, dude. Yeah, she might ride her die. - Okay. - Here's my, here's my marginalized community. - All hail, Gail. - Marginized community, what is this? - This is called needle play. Are you into this? - Oh dude, one time I was with a girl and she was like, uh, hey, we were making out. She was like, hey, are you into, are you into blood? And I was like, well, do you want to cut me? And she's like, no, I'm on my period. I was like, oh, it's an interesting way to ask her. Are you into blood? A menstrual blood? - It's different kinds of blood. - Yeah, what does she want you to go down on her? - I think she meant, like, are you okay with having sex on my period, which is like a fine way to ask her when she goes, are you into blood? Are you into blood play? That's what she said. Are you, are you into playing with blood? That's what she said, like, play. - Into you playing. - And I was like, what, do you want to cut me? It's like, no, it's like, you know, God's punishment every month. That's not what's happening. - It is, it's the worst. - I can't wait to be like my apostle, be done. Wait, so this is just needles. - This is, this is, this is, why does she have a, how did, how did they make the casket be 3D? - It's so rad. I'm guessing it lifts the skin. - No, no, no. - Yeah, to create the design. - Okay, keep playing. - I kind of like it, I should. - There's all those zoom in on her boobies. (laughing) We have to play with those needles. - I don't even come on, though. - Damn. (laughing) - Do they pull the needles out? - I guess. - What is this? Will you look this up? Like what the fuck am I looking at? - Mm, needle play. - No, that, they, okay, right? - The reason the stuff is sticking out, that's not from the needle, that has to be like a, um, - needle. - Like an acupuncture needle. - All the way out? - What's it called when you get a stint? When they do the heat on you, prodding? What's it called? Like they do to get branded. - Capping? Oh no. Okay, look, here's what it is. Needle play. - Temporarily inserting sterile needles into the skin for sensory stimulation, aesthetic, or ritualistic purposes. Rather than for permanent body modification. For endorphin release, pain, pleasure exploration, or intimate bonding. All right. I mean, look, it's cool that it's in a pattern. I didn't realize it can make art, it's like a mandala. It's gonna go away, right? - I don't know, man. Can you look in the comments and see if that's how they made it stick up like that? That's crazy. Damn, people really want to go to hell. (laughing) God curse, amazing OMG, we take a minute to appreciate how cool this is. - What's your definition of cool? - I don't know, dude. - It, in hour and a half, it took no way. - No way, more than that. - How does it get to have the 3D thing? Quick complimenting and answering our questions. - It's gotta lift it. - What is the purpose of this? Exactly what you say, for experience, for example. - I don't know what, now who's a square? Why don't you just go do this, Ian? - You're cooler than me. (laughing) - You're a cooler than me. What if this is, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh? - Wait, where's the feathering? Oh, oh, oh, oh, what the fuck am I looking at? - How does that sound to me, kid? - How is it not bleeding everywhere though? I don't understand it, I don't understand it. - I don't know, man. That's so crazy. - Wait, you're watching at home. Hug your kids. Show up when you say you will. - Yeah, no shit. Yo, so they're like threading the needle. - And then do you just leave it in there? How do you put on a coat? - I'm assuming they take it out before you leave. - That's how they made this 3D thing. (laughing) - Oh, it looks like a centipede. - Shhh. - Shhh. - Shhh. - Now. (screaming) - Let me tell you, this ain't a way to give an anal tape girl. (laughing) - Girl, what else to paint on a birthday? - Oh no. - Oh, no. - That is wild. I've never, I didn't even know they could do this. - Yeah, but dude, here's the thing. You take it out and then it's, - And there's a whole. - Do you just do it to do it for an hour and then you don't? - Yeah, I think so. I think it's just what they're saying. - Do you think it's like therapeutic? - I think it's for when I was cutting myself as a teenager. Now we're full circle, but this is what you do when you're in so much pain and you feel something. - When you cut yourself, did you go across the street or down the road? (laughing) - I think a little bit of everything. - Down the road is what you're really doing. - I'm not telling you that, it's terrible. It's actually making the skin rise. The raised design isn't permanent structure. It's a temporary reaction of the skin. - Oh, dude, the body doesn't see this as art. It sees it as a minor injury and immediately starts fixing it. - Yeah. - Wow. It's almost like we shouldn't do this. - Yeah. - Crazy. - Yeah, yeah. At least it's sterile. - Do you have any tattoos? - I do, I do. I have a tram stamp and then I recently got a middle-aged mom tattoo. - No way, what's a middle-aged mom tattoo? - I'll show you later, it's super. It's so good, I'm so nervous. - Why? - I'll show you later, I want people seeing it. - Oh, I didn't know it was like a private thing. Dude, you should get more tattoos. - I know, I'm into it now. I think I'm gonna be a tattoo girl. - Dude. - Yeah, I'm into it. - It's the best. - It is the best. Now I'm really down, I'm in. Yeah, like I like all this. 'Cause those are like old school tattoos. - Yeah, this is all like American traditional flash. - Yeah. I really love the art and culture of it, it's really neat. - Okay, here's my next one. Are you ready? - Yeah. - Can I? - Can I? - I'm going to. (suspenseful music) - Is that for boys or girls? - Aye. - Who's you hoping you attract? - Lizards. (laughing) - I'm not married, that is. - Can I? - Don't tell me. (laughing) - Yeah, you can. Why did she need permission? She could have just done that tech talking. We didn't need it. - It'd be funny if the next video she goes, can I? - Can I? - No, fair enough. - Let's see out of the video. - I'm just checking for consent. - Oh my God. - Check. - All right. - So I am your neighbor. I just want to give you a heads up. I do not want to be known for this. Or I do not want this to come back to me at all. But there's a car that comes here. It's a red Toyota Corolla that comes here every single day after you leave for work. It stays here for like two or three hours, and then it leaves. I do not know what's going on. - Need it. - But I just want you to know there's a dude that keeps getting out of it, going in the house for a little bit and coming out. You should maybe talk to your wife about it, just giving you a heads up. I do not want this to come back to me. - That's fake. That can't be real. - You think? What do you, I mean, I'm so naive. I'll believe it. - What do you think, Josh? - I think it's fake. - Go to the guy and say face to face. Don't leave it on the rink and the wife could see it. - Oh, that's a good, that's good. - Okay, what do you think, Annie? - No, I was going to say what you said that. How does he know the girl was going to see it? - Yeah. - He knows for sure it's going to get to the guy at the set up. Or he's just trying to cause chaos. - Yeah, what a jerk face. But I do think, okay, well then that's a good thing. If you know that someone's being cheated on, do you tell the person, do you keep it a secret? - Well, it all depends on who the person is. What's your relation to them? - Not a neighbor. I wouldn't fucking care. I'd be like, whenever I do, that's your life. Right? - I like, man. - But then again, it's like, throw up. - Mind your fucking business. - I know, I know, I know. - Look, automatically everyone gets theirs in the end. If it is a best friend inner circle, thick as thieves, right or die, yes. But don't involve yourself in people's drama because God forbid something physical happens. Like, what if this guy sees this and then goes out and kills a motherfucker? - I know. - And it's just like, it's her cousin or something. - I know. - Like, you don't know. Getting involved in people's relationships is no bueno. Just fucking let them handle it. That's a good point. The truth always comes out anyway in these situations. - Yeah. - You're gonna find out anyway. - And what if God, what if the guy, there are in some like open thing? Like, you don't fucking know. - You don't fucking know, bitch. You don't know me. - I find that guy and I spit in his face. - Yeah. - I go and watch your fucking mouth bitch. - Fuck that guy. - Yeah. - Yeah. - When she go find him and do a video on his fucking poor. - And put some fucking needles in him. - A. - And then get the long tongue guy to come out and freaking mail out. Yeah. - Hey. - Hey. - Let's go put in an egg in his mouth. - Oh God, that's what we should, yeah. - Did you ever egg house, this is a good course. - I was so angry. I was an angry teenager. - Could you imagine horrible? - That stuff happening now. We get thrown in jail with ring cams. - Oh yeah, you can't do anything now. Kids are fucking screwed. - But you need to do that stuff. - You need to get it out. - You need to like smash a mailbox to like get trouble and have it not ruin your life forever, you know? - Yes, I know little things that you don't get arrested later. Okay, here we go. - This guy's my new find. - What? - I feel happy. I feel healthy. I'm a human being. - He doesn't look healthy. - That's me and my mirror every day. So I don't, so I don't cut down the road. (laughing) - I'm healthy and happy. - That is not a human being. That is, that's only a little alien. - I know and he does the same video every day in different settings. It's really come take it out. - Have you seen the video of the little autistic kid that goes to different places of business and counts down to them turning the lights off? - No. - And the lights never go off on time and just so on, just waiting for the lights to turn off. - I'm so scared. - That's his whole internet presence. It's really cute. Have you seen the Indian boys at play games and if they win they get to eat? (laughing) Shout out Mr. Greedy. He always gets to eat. If you look up hashtag Mr. Greedy, it will unlock a world in which you cannot return from. (laughing) It's not like a watch. - Is that the one with the kid? - You like keeps getting the pair or something? - Yeah, yeah. - He's pissed. - Mr. Greedy. - He's. - Wait, what is this? This is real. - Mr. Greedy, plus little biggie. (laughing) Biggie versus Muzzamel. It's always to Mr. Greedy and little biggie. - Oh. - No. - That's what they do. - Cheering won't help you eat. Oh my God. - What the fuck am I watching? I don't. (clapping) - Oh God. - I know they get to eat. - So bad. (laughing) - You left phone. - Can I tell you? - And then they shame the fat one. - I don't want to go there. - Isn't this nice? - No. - Play another. (laughing) - Fuck this. - Fuck this so hard. I hate it. - No, no, this is too long. Go to a shorter one. - Oh my God. - Sorry, sorry. - Oh, sorry, it's not an old woman eating an egg. - Yeah. - It's like genuinely depressing, Ian. So it's like poor children. I can't, I can't. (laughing) - Now they're having fun. - I don't know what he said. - Okay. - Can we go back to some quality first-world TikToks? - Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. - God. - Sorry, I was starting a DEI. - You gotta make fun of white people. Are you ready? He's gonna eat an entire apple in one bite like a horse. Oh my God. Don't laugh, you're gonna choke, dummy. - Please go back to Mr. Greedy's. - No, no, I don't like Mr. Greedy. Dude, what is this? - He's eating an entire apple in one bite. - What about the poor? - Oh shit, I didn't even think about that. - No, I hate his breathing. - I know, I know. - Stop breathing. - And the haircut and the chin and the face. - Stop breathing. - See if a mic in his nose. - Yeah, why is he sounding like that? - All right, I got it, he did it. Are you ready? - Look how cock-eyed his face is. - Yeah, he's all kinds of fun. - That, that, he's eating an apple like a horse and it looks like he got kicked in the head by the same horse. That's incredible. - Fuck. - No, what's worse, that or Mr. Greedy? - Mr. Greedy. - It's entertaining. - Oh, you're cheesy. - What about one pound fish? Do you ever watch that? - I can't really, it's cheese at all. - It's cheese. - It's just occurred to me. - No, I love it. - I love it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just occurred to me. - Thanks for being here. - You're a really cool guest. - I like that. - What's so bad about that? - That makes you LOL. - Yeah. - 'Cause it's so bad, it's good. - It's so bad. - Wow. - I thought I knew you. - You know, could I be Frank? - Could I be Frank? - I'd much rather be Ian. (laughing) - This is silly fun. (laughing) - All right, you know what, I got to cleanse the palate. Let's just try one more with you. I feel like you and I are not seeing eye to eye on these talks. - I am so scared of what this is. (clapping) Dude, Christina, Christina, Christina! Christina, you don't know me like that. This is it good. (laughing) - Hard fucking core. - Oh, dude. (laughing) - No, man. (laughing) - The sound. - Bro, bro. - I'll go back to it, Ernest Heming. We're telling dad jokes, please. - He's cunning as teeth with fucking nail clips. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, why? - 'Cause it's punk rock. - No, it's not. - No, no, no. - Just watch it again. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Just really feel it. (screaming) - God damn, dude. - Oh, I found my butthole. - My butthole's clinging. - Mine too. - Why did you make them do that? (laughing) - The sound is incredible. Zolo, you jerk. - I'm leaving the network. - Zolo, stop playing it. Zolo. - Oh, go, go. - Is that a fake tooth? - Zolo. - Stop torturing Ian like that, you jerk. Oh, it's still there. - Stop it. - As always. Isn't this like, um. No. - I can't believe it. - God, that's so gross, man! - I like it. - Are there's toenail clippers? - Are you saying you wouldn't date him? I think he's interesting. I think he's got a lot to say. He's got a lot of ideas. I want to hear what he's got. I want to hear him talk. - You just like him 'cause he looks like he'd lick the floor at CBG. - I do, I like dirt bags, yeah, I do. I like dirty, crazy men. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - To be crazy, Gigi, how are you? - 40-year-old bicycle messenger. - I love that shit. - I love that shit. - That's why I married Tim Sugara because Tom is the boy that I needed to be with. Do you know what I'm saying? You're like, "Oh, I'm attracted to the psycho guy that clips his nails." - Oh, the difference maker. - Yes. - He's a great setter. The one that makes you get away from the repetitive pattern of the horrors you've been engaged in. - Exactly. - Exactly. I was like, "I think Tom Sugara is a good bet." Thank God, thank you for fucking setting me up with that. - Yeah, really. - 'Cause that would have been the dude that I'm like, "He's so interesting." Why is he doing that? Like, I'm so into him. - Could you imagine? - That could be my baby daddy right there, bro. - Mm-hmm. - I know, easily I could have fallen for this horse shit. But again, man, back to that whole thing about do you ever sit back and congratulate yourself? You know? - Well now. - Yeah, I've been into guys. I wasn't a guy one time because he would eat his own scabs. - No. Where'd you grow up? - The Valley, the San Fernando Valley. - Really? - I'm trash. Like, I'm Valley Trash, our hard fucking core Valley Trash. So it's mostly cholo, Jewish kids. - What's a cholo call like a table with only three legs? - What? - Not even. - Thanks for being here, Ian. - I wanna stay for more guests. We love you. - I wanna stay. - I love you. - I love you. - Thank you for being here. - Thank you for having me. - I have to go to a parent teacher conference, believe it or not, and pretend that I'm a normal human being. Your new show, Ian Due, is coming out. We are producing your, you're gonna do all the fun jobs under the sun. - It's the best. - I'm gonna bless. It's called Ian Due, an odd guy doing odd jobs. The network shout out guys. They've been so wonderful and cool. And everybody's behind it. I'm so stoked, man. I did security at the comedy mothership. - Oh my God. - And I showed up in head to toe tactical gear. And like a whip in another American flag. 'Cause everyone thinks it's like this guarded fortress, but they're just like regular guys. And I was like, boy did I get this wrong. And yeah, I was a pipoacetary blacks. - Wow, fun. - And it was so fun. I'm having a blast, man. I got my tattooing license in Wisconsin. A tattooed a guy. - Oh wow. - You know that S symbol we used to make for like Stucey or whatever? - S S. - Yeah, the S S symbol. I did that. I held down a guy. And actually, do you know what a swastika is? It's actually an old like indie design, but. - Indie symbol for peace. - No, that thing. - Oh yeah, yeah, that's the skateboarding thing. - Yeah, so I tattooed that on a guy. And I got tackled by canines in Chicago. It's so fun, yeah. - This sounds insane. - Yeah, so every, I'm on the road like 50 weekends of the year. So when I go to different towns, I had people teach me their jobs. So I don't run, better put a gun to my head. (laughs) So I meet people, I meet the hard work in Americans in America, and I get to learn a bunch of different things. I stitched together my own coat with this company in Connecticut, Hardinco, yeah. - Oh. - Yeah, I sang gang vocals with hatred on the new album. - Wow. - Yeah, it's the best. - You know, a good free, I actually, I have the impulse to take a job the other day. Like I wanted to, in a bar. Again, like just to, Amy Cedaris does that. She works in a bakery. - That's awesome. - She would work in a bakery and like, yeah, I don't know, yeah. Hey, by the way, I'm always curious about FedEx. Have you ever worked for FedEx? - No. - Dude, so. - What are you curious about? - Just everything. Like, how does that operation run? Like, you fucking put some shit. You're all, oh here, get this here. And then, homie, it fucking ends up on the other side of the country or wherever, overnight. How does it fucking work? - That, how do you order some weird niche product? And the next day, it shows up at your house. I don't, or do they make it on the spot? Is it just sitting in a warehouse? I don't know. That freaks me out, man. - Well, I didn't understand how FedEx got everything from point A to point B so quickly. Turns out, basically, they run their own airline. - Boo. - Oh yeah, you can overnight ship it in airplane. - Yeah, so that makes, of course, I never thought about it that way. - Okay. - So you think they just put it on, like, the roadrunners backs? - I don't know. - Like, Wily Coyote. - Apparently. - I don't know. - But I was like, how do they ship all these packages? Oh, do they have their own thing? - Well, it's their own airline. - Same day, Amazon stuff. I'm like, what drones? - Yeah, but how many fucking warehouses are full of this garbage that they could just grab and give to, it's fucking weird. - That's true, 'cause I ordered the weirdest ship run there. Yeah, like for my kids or whatever. Yeah, I ordered like a time thing. What's that with the sand? - Oh, oh, hourly. - Came the day of like a really gothic or Nate one, yeah. - Where is it coming from? - Oh, no! - Find out, find out. - That's what we're gonna figure out on E and do. - E and do. - You and I are gonna ride along with a FedEx driver. - I'd love to. - It's gonna be an immigrant who lied about his status. We'll watch him pee in a van because he doesn't take time off. - We never do. - It would be great. - I would love that. Well Ian, I'm so happy you came in here. I love you. - I'm so grateful this was so fun and that was fun hanging out when we were shaving the dogs and stuff too. - I can't wait for people to see that. - Yeah, now I appreciate you having me on, man, and you guys have been so kind to me here. I'm really grateful. - And you have really good taste of music. - You too. - No, thank you. - I can't wait to compare tattoos with you guys. - It's okay, I love you. Bye everybody, thanks for listening. - Bye. (upbeat music) - Jesus, make yourself a festival. We're talking about her. What is all that praise you come and see me to life? They receive my heart. Right now, the name of Jesus, they are friends. You want me to see you? (laughing) - Is this spirit air? - It's somewhere. - Okay, what'd you pay for, guys? - Well, the spirit is in the blood. (laughing) - Is it in the blood? - We bless them all. For I'm going to cry, for I love you first, and this land I can hear the sound of my voice. For I'm going to bless them all and the family. We're longing to help you, guys. Jesus, make yourself a blessing, for I'm going to bless them all. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - I'd never gonna be on the good flights.