Top 4 Tips for Fathers of ADHD Kids

Today we're going to talk about our top four tips for fathers of kids with ADHD. Welcome to the ADHD Parenting Podcast with Mike McLeod of Grow Now ADHD and Ryan Wetzelblatt of ADHD Dude. Learn about parenting kids with ADHD from a licensed clinical social worker and speech language pathologist who specializes in ADHD. No fluffy parenting advice, only practical information that will equip you to help your child with ADHD effectively. Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm a licensed clinical social worker, a former school social worker, and I'm also a dad. Hi, I'm Mike. I am a licensed speech and language pathologist, and I am also a dad. So the reason we wanted to do this episode is because we've been getting a lot of really nice comments from fathers saying how the podcast has been helpful to them. So we wanted to share these things because, you know, Mike and I are two guys in a predominantly female field. And we think we bring a little different perspective to things in general. And I think what we found is that this really resonates with fathers. So that's why we wanted to do this episode. So Mike, you want to get started with number one on our list here? Sure. So number one is that ADHD is not a character flaw. This is a very important thing for everyone to remember. Sometimes when Ryan and I are on Instagram or socials and we're talking about kids with ADHD and their propensity to use emotional manipulation and learned helplessness and conflict seeking, we always tend to get a message here and there saying how we're talking down about these kids, how they're we're trying to insinuate that they are malicious, that they're sort of just attacking sort of thing. We have to remember ADHD is a brain difference. This brain is different. It seeks attention in various ways. And there's various things like a lack of perspective taking and mental flexibility and time blindness and cause and effect thinking that they struggle with. So the behaviors you see with ADHD can often be misinterpreted as a character flaw, as this child having poor character being a bad person and making really poor choices. But it's so important that we understand the research and the science behind ADHD and this brain difference. And we understand that this has nothing to do with character. This has to do with a developmental delay of executive functioning. And I think what we particularly find in fathers is they tend to personalize their ADHD child's behavior. So for instance, if the child's being oppositional, they take that personally or if they're being inflexible, they take that personally. So what we want parents to understand are fathers to understand, I should say, in particular, is that ADHD is what I call an executive function developmental delay. So the executive function part of the brain, primarily the prefrontal cortex, which I refer to as the operating system of the brain, it's developing approximately two to three years behind their same age peers who do not have ADHD. And executive functioning is still a relatively, I would say poorly understood topic mic. And I think one of the things that we often find is that these aspects we're talking about, such as, you know, cognitive flexibility, and things like that, they often are not talked about. So people don't know that they are part of executive functioning. So what happens when people don't understand something, they tend to pathologize things as a character flaw. Or as we're seeing more recently, Mike, we know, as you know, these diagnoses that are not even diagnoses, right? You know, like, oh, my child doesn't want to do something, they must have pathological demand avoidance. No, everything we're talking about here is based in executive functioning. Correct. And what we have to understand is executive functioning is not time management and organization towards school. And ADHD is not a lack of attention. It's not an attention deficit. And it's not something that's just going to affect kids at school and getting work done and turning it in. ADHD is executive functioning, developmental delay, like Ryan said. And it's also self-regulation deficit disorder. It's an inability to internally self-regulate your emotions, combined with a lack of perspective-taking skills. So it's hard for them to understand the effect that their behaviors have on others and self-awareness. An inability to self-motivate yourself towards non-preferred, non-screen-based tasks. So there's so many things that pile up here where, you know, Dr. Russell Barkley, who we talk about all the time, the worldwide leader on ADHD, he refers to ADHD as the Rodney Dangerfield of all disorders, which I know we've said before, Ryan, no one's going to get that joke. Rodney Dangerfield is an old comedian whose, his big thing was, I get no respect. I get no respect. Kids with ADHD, that diagnosis, that label of ADHD gives kids no respect. And it doesn't really show the true needs they have. People think, oh, they just have poor parents. They need to be disciplined. They just have that. It's not those things. You know, there's been studies done on how stressful it is to be a parent to each other with ADHD. There's been real studies that show how hard it is on these parents and how they get burnt out. So understanding what it truly is, not to take your child's behaviors personally. They're delaying the skills needed, the true life skills needed to be successful executive functioning skills. And the more you learn about how to specifically parent a child with ADHD, you educate yourself on the science, the research, the brain differences, it will help you stay cool, calm and collected in the moment, which really is the number one most important thing is to always model that calmness. So to wrap this number one up, basically, you know, if your child is being inflexible, if they're being argumentative, if they're engaging in novelty seeking behaviors because they're bored, please don't take that personally because it is not a character flaw. Okay. And it's not a reflection on your parenting. It's the way that their brain works. And you can learn much more about this by listening to our other episodes and following Mike on social media at grow now ADHD. And Mike is primarily on Instagram and I am primarily on YouTube at ADHD. So just remember that. All right, Mike. So our next one is we want to really encourage fathers to take over some of the daily routine. And particularly if you are married, have a partner, what we're asking specifically is take some of this over for your partner, because so often, we find moms in particular serve as the executive functioning for the entire family. And number one, that is a lot for anybody to have on their plate. But the other thing is too, that it really helps when both parents can kind of tag team, you know, and share these responsibilities more so than rather than just the mom acting as the executive function. Yeah. And I think Ryan would agree. I know I can speak for myself when it comes to grow now and the, you know, the tons of intake calls I do every day, 99% of the time, it's the mom, it's the mom being proactive, recognizing the child's needs, reaching out, those sorts of things. And they're really weighing the burden of these executive functioning challenges. And when you have a child with ADHD, they're lacking in their executive functioning. That means they are highly prompt dependent on an adult to be their executive functioning for them. And like Ryan said, most of the time, that is the mom who is the executive functioning system for the entire family. And there's only a specific amount of time that can last before that really leads to a total burnout. So we need to find very specific ways to get more involved. And what I refer to as the tag in almost like a like a wrestling tag team where you tag you tag the mom and you step in and you take over something. So when it comes to home executive functioning, like one of the previous episodes, Ryan and I did, where we talk about the three zones of executive functioning, home, academic and social home is the most common area of need for ADHD issues in the home. When it comes to home executive functioning, it tends to be three specific things. Number one is the morning routine and getting the child up and dressed and out the door on time into school on time. Number two, of course, is homework and getting homework done and submitted, especially with those lovely school Chromebooks and that kids come home with nowadays. And then we have the evening routine of getting the child getting the screens away, getting them locked up and getting the child in the room to bed at a reasonable time. So those are the three things that the we tend to see the mother really take a lead on in those three specific areas. Great advice to dad is to pick one, two, or maybe even all three of those things and say, you know what, those are my responsibility now, I am tagging in the morning routine is me now, I will get the kids to school, I will sit down and I will do homework with our child, I'll take care of the evening routine, you go do what you need to do, have your alone time, I'm going to tag in and take over those things. So this is not all fall on your shoulders. And Mike, one thing I want to add to this, and this is not even really an ADHD specific thing, but one of the things I have told fathers a lot over the years is, you know, you need to do things individually with each of your kids, right? And I think fathers lose sight of this a lot. They think like, okay, well, you know, I'll do something and I'll take them there. And I explained to them, no, it has to be with each child individually, they need your undivided attention, hey, just you not not, you know, the brother or sister as well. Alright, and that's really important. And this is one of the ways that you can do that. Alright, so just keep that in mind that kids need individual time with parents and particularly with fathers. And I think fathers lose sight of that a lot and don't always do this. So I just wanted to mention that. Yeah, and those things should be experience based outside of the home. Remember, executive functions are mostly built outside of the home through experiences. It gets a little frustrating when I hear, you know, that, you know, we see a lot of dad gamers these days, where dads will just go and play video games while the mom takes care of homework or the evening routine, or sometimes the dad themselves suck the kids into video games themselves, you know, try to get your kids out and you know, whether you're whether you're going on a walk, going on a hike, throwing a ball around, exploring places in your neighborhood, whatever it may be, get outside with your kids, have some experiences, do things together. And that will go so far in developing your relationship with them. And as well, along with relationships and experiences, come stronger executive functioning. And you'll also probably find if you do this, you know, about what Mike's saying in terms of, you know, doing things outside of the home, in addition to what we first mentioned about, you know, taking over one of the, you know, routines in the home, you're probably going to find you're going to get much better cooperation in general from your child. So just keep that in mind as well. Yep. And for number three, the third tip is to really do things with your child, just like I hinted at before, that doesn't involve a screen. Try to have those experiences that are not screen based. Yes, I am a huge fan of family movie night. I know that's a big surprise to everyone who follows me and knows I'm very anti screen, but family movie night is one of the best things you can do. And TV is not a big deal. TV is not a true screen, as long as they're not watching YouTube videos of other people playing video games. But, you know, there was no youth mental health crisis when TVs were the only screen in the house. So try to have those experiences with your child where, you know, you're running errands with them. You know, there's a, there's a great book about how other cultures raise their kids. And so much of it is, you know, these kids grow up to become very resilient and have strong executive functions, because the parents live very parent driven lives, not child driven lives. So if the parent has to go run an errand, the kid is expected to just go with them and run that errand with them and help them with it. So it's not just constantly scheduling the child and making sure the child is constantly entertained. The parent is living their life, running their errands, taking care of their business. And the child is their partner in doing those things. You know, there's a lot of cultures that do that and is very successful. And I think that's something that we get wrong as we focus a little too much on being the entertainment source for the child and making sure they're constantly stimulated and entertained. And we tend to do that through screens. So, you know, have like a couple of times a week where you and your child lock your phone. And let's say you, let's say the two of you, you know, get an old school map and try to figure out how to get somewhere using a map and not using a GPS. You know, do something together to do some problem solving. Go on a walk and figure out how to get home without using the phone GPS. Use some problem solving. That's very good for cognitive load. I just saw a doctor, you know, giving that suggestion recently, because there's increasing rises of digital dementia and cognitive delays. You know, if you turn off your GPS every once in a while and stop relying on your phone and do some problem solving, that's very healthy for your brain. So, find different creative ways to do things with your son, with your daughter, with that don't involve a screen that's experience based for you guys to get to know each other. That goes such a long way. And when they get older and it's now their job to take care of you, you know, that whole, you know, twice, twice a child wants an adult thing. When they get older and it's their job to take care of you, that's what they're going to remember. They're not going to remember how many likes they had or shares they had or all the fortnight wins they had or the yelling and the screaming. They are going to remember the experiences they had with you that last in their mind and their heart. And Mike, one thing I want to add to this is that when you were describing this, I was thinking there's probably some dads listening right now saying, well, you know, I asked him if he wants to do stuff and he says no to everything. Or, you know, I asked her, you know, does she want to, you know, do this with me? And she says no, or I asked her to go on an errand. And here's what you need to understand. You don't need to ask them if they want to do something. You tell them they're doing something. That's correct. Stepping into your parental authority. And I promise you, you will not damage your child by saying, you know, we're going for a walk with the dog or, you know, we're going to do, you know, one of the things Mike just mentioned on Saturday. And even if they say no, let them say no, okay, you're still doing it anyway, because kids with ADHD often do not like coming out of their comfort zone. They would much prefer to stay in their comfort zone and do what is easiest, which is typically, you know, sitting on the phone and scrolling TikTok or playing video games or whatever it is. And when you just accept their no, what that's actually doing, it's accommodating their inflexibility. And they're not learning how to step outside their comfort zone. They're not having new experiences. This is why Jonathan Haidt says phones are experience blockers. And I'll also add to that, I think, Mike, that we would agree video games are experience blockers as well. Got it. And right now we are seeing so many parents who are scared of stepping into their parental authority for various reasons. But just know that parents have done this since the beginning of time, okay, and your child's not going to be sitting in a therapist's office 20 years from now saying, "No, I can't believe my dad made me walk the dog when I was 11. He was so mean." And, you know, he never understood how I thought it's not going to happen. It's okay to tell your kids to do things. And particularly if you have a child with ADHD who says no to anything new or unfamiliar or who doesn't like coming out of their comfort zone, don't accept the no. Just say, "This is what we're doing." And you can do that in a loving and authoritative way simultaneously. So, Ryan is correct. Kids will always take the path of least resistance as long as it is made available to them. So, they're always going to take the easiest route. So, for example, if they have a phone and they can just sit on the phone and play games and scroll, they're always going to choose that instead of going outside, doing homework, meeting new people, playing with people face to face. All right. And our fourth one is to avoid the argument and negotiation vortex. So, I describe the argument vortex as when a child with ADHD starts an argument and they lead their parents along the path of an argument that they are completely controlling. And often, by the end of the argument, the topic is completely different than what it started about and nothing has been resolved at all. And often for kids with ADHD, the argument vortex is a form of novelty. Sometimes, it's based in inflexibility or difficulty with perspective taking. But we see so many parents get put into the argument vortex. The reasoning vortex is something I particularly see with fathers, which is when parents try to reason with their kids and try to get their buy-in for something and want them to understand their logic behind it. Well, here's the problem with that. You can't reason with inflexibility. And often, kids do not have the wisdom or life experience to be able to understand the reasoning behind something. So, again, sometimes we just have to step into our parental authority and say, "Here's what we're doing. Here's a reason for it. You say it once and then that's it." And you don't get pulled into trying to convince them why what you're telling them is a good idea. Correct. If there are two things that highly stimulate the ADHD brain, number one, of course, is screens. And number two is negative interactions, arguments, and negotiations with parents. Those things give them a massive dopamine rush. And if those two things are available to them, they're going to choose those things. So, if you have open access to screens, no limits, the screens are going to become the central part of their lives. And they're going to choose screens over every other task, every other activity, no matter what period, because you the parent did not set limits, even though every doctor in the world said to do that. And then number two, negative attention from parents, the argument vortex, the negotiation vortex. If you're a parent that gets very easily sucked into those things, then that's working for your child. This goes back to what we started with, where ADHD is not a character flaw. It's not malicious. The ADHD brain simply does what works. It takes the path of least resistance. If I can get into a three-hour argument with mom or dad over homework, and that keeps me from doing 10 minutes of homework, then I win. I didn't do the homework. I instead got a dopamine rush from your arguments. If I can argue and argue and argue and follow them around the house and chase them and bang on the door to get what I want, to get something that I want, more screen time, more toys, more attention, more snacks, whatever it may be, if that yelling and fighting works, because my parents give in to that negotiation, it works. And this all goes back to what we always say about use less language. Language makes dysregulation worse. Use visuals instead of verbal. Set boundaries. Stick to them. There are times where you don't have to respond to your child. You simply can walk away. You don't have to respond. You can shrug your shoulders, say a sentence, walk away. The more language negotiation arguing you provide, it will fuel that dysregulation. Mike, to your point, one of the things I just thought about when you were describing this is that I've often seen, I'm sure as you have, that parents of kids who may be intellectually gifted or who are very articulate, they often mistake their kids intellect for emotional maturity or some kind of wisdom that they've acquired through life experience, which obviously they haven't. One of the times where we really see the reasoning vortex become a problem is with these intellectually gifted kids because their parents think, "Oh, well, she's so smart. I can just convince her of this, and she'll understand because of her intellect." Intellect has nothing to do with not wanting to come out of your comfort zone. It has nothing to do with inflexibility or things like that. Just because your child is very articulate or maybe that you think they're very bright, that doesn't mean that you get pulled into the reasoning or argument vortex with them. This is another one of those many reasons why parenting a child with ADHD is so difficult, because once again, executive functioning has nothing to do with IQ. In fact, the majority of kids with ADHD have an average to above average IQ. They're very good with language, they're very good with negotiating, they're very good with arguing, and sadly enough, they're very, very good at pulling at their parents' heartstrings. They're very good at knowing what to say to pull you in. For example, if you put limits on the phone or if you take the phone away, "Mom, dad, you're ruining my life. I'm going to lose all my friends. I'm going to do such and such." They know exactly what to say to keep you from making those hard decisions, and that increases parental fear. That's what we're seeing now around stepping into your parental authority, and the main thing that's keeping parents from stepping into their parental authority is fear. They're scared of their child, they're scared of the behaviors, they're scared of potentially traumatizing them because of nonsense you read online, and they're just scared of, you know, they're scared of dealing with these constant dysregulation behaviors they see on a daily basis already. So we hope you found this episode helpful. If you have a question you would like us to answer in a future episode, you can email us at the ADHD Parenting Podcast at gmail.com. Make sure to include your child's age and also if they're on medication with your question, and we will answer it in an upcoming episode, please also try to keep it short because people tend to write their whole life story, and we really can't answer a question in a podcast episode that's more than a paragraph long. The one thing we ask in exchange for doing that, if you could please leave us a positive review on the Apple Podcast page for the ADHD Parenting Podcast. Just say, you know, show is great, or you know, whatever you think, just send it to us so we can see that you did that, and then we'll be happy to, you know, answer your question in an upcoming episode. So again, it's the ADHD Parenting Podcast at gmail.com. All right, so thanks so much for listening and watching, and we'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening. To learn more about Mike's practice, Grow Now ADHD, please visit his website, grownowadhd.com. To learn about the services Ryan provides, please visit adhddude.com. You can find Mike on Instagram at grownowadhd and Ryan on the ADHD Dude YouTube channel. We'd love to hear your feedback or questions, so feel free to contact us at the [email protected]. The ADHD Parenting Podcast and content posted by Grow Now ADHD or ADHD Dude are presented solely for general information and educational purposes. Our goal is to provide valuable insights and knowledge, not to replace professional services. Mike and Ryan cannot provide clinical consultation or free advice through social media or other forms of communication. The information on this podcast is not a substitute for professional advice. If you or your child have any medical or mental health concerns, please consult your healthcare professionals.