Tom Poops The Bucket, Bert Shit The Bed | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% All right, welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave, we're here at Studio Burt and Guess what I've decided to do Celebrate this exercise of your hit show that only black people like isn't that crazy? Dude, it is all it is dominating like Online socials with like black people only and they're they don't know who I am They're like you see in this wild shit with this crazy white dude dude, but it's it's so weird how much don't you don't you love that? Of course isn't nothing better you would have net you absolutely you don't make anything for anyone And you absolutely did not make this show for black people But the fact that they are responding such in droves is gotta make you so excited It's so excited because I see my favorite is when the they video the TV so you don't see who it is And then they're like hey, man, they're like look at this crazy shit right here. You just hear them and they just laugh or they're like I don't remember old boy name. I'll look it up But y'all got to watch this shit and they just play a clip from the show. It's it's the best dude Yeah, you never I think that's a perfect Representation of what it is actually like to make like for people that don't know when you make a Show a movie a special you literally do just throw it out there and you go whoever responds responds whoever likes It doesn't like it is you it's out of your control to see the outpouring of Black support for the show is so unexpected and so fun. I'm so thrilled when you make when you write a joke you have no idea The feedback you're gonna get like there's no way Shane and Tony could have known the black people be upset about that George Floyd and lynching joke There's no way they could have known that They don't know you never know you never know how what someone's gonna say you believe I'm just saying it's still going on. They're still talking about the roast and you are still dude You can grasp on trending in the top 10 for as long as that series has that is isn't it crazy That you made it in less time with less preparation with technically a smaller staff And it's doing even better than the first season which is unheard of well, it's crazy that Post for people that don't know We made season one of bad thoughts. We shot it in October Into the beginning of november and then we debuted in may so you have essentially Like six months of post This time we shot all of February into the beginning of March and we debuted in May So we had two months of post Really really crazy schedule and it's it's a huge credit to like Our our post team and our directors and producers that that made it happen It definitely wasn't because of me, but it wasn't it was an insane schedule. I think it's I think it made it inspired me to make things Like really a hundred percent. I mean Obviously, we have a brand that we're but we are very proud of that We that I'm wearing full-flaced on my head, but yes, but I started thinking like dude You're so good at sketches. You're so good at parody. You're so good in acting as characters Like you are the Eddie Murphy of our generation. Oh Thanks I wonder if he'd like me to tell him that story Hey Eddie, you know what people say about me You're like, what's that? Can you quantify? Can you quantify? Uh the reception is it is does it feel good? Yes, it's felt great. It's felt great. I was like I really do subscribe to that. It's out of your control idea And um, what I've gotten from people is amazing but always and you'll relate to this. It's the same when you put out a special It's great when you see you know people message you and stop you and talk about it It's been happening to me for the last couple weeks. Yeah, but there is nothing like comedians reaching out to you about Your comedy you put out and what I've gotten from people is it it's like a comedian telling you that they Like what you did feels like 10,000 people telling you you know, I mean yeah, yeah, yeah, it feels amazing You actually told me by the way, I um yesterday where we were talking on the phone about business stuff And you're like and I said you know congrats. I think this is the best season I just better than I this season for whatever reason had me laughing out loud harder than the first season There was a lot of black shit. I think that's what I really respond to I mean, I you know I in the screening when they just showed the plantation field I laughed uncomfortably out loud oh, I could hear you and there wouldn't haven't even been a joke yet. They're hadn't even been a joke yet And so and half of those slaves were in the room me They were in the room and I was laughing and they were like this the funny part has its darted burnt not but I knew where it was going Yeah, so and so But we were talking and you said And I just want to I just want to be clear about this Shane reached out and he told you how much he liked it. Yes, yes, and I thought that was really cool Because I've known Shane longer than you have And arguably I'm closer with him and he never said a fucking word about my TV show Wow, I know I know and I actually I didn't think about that until last night in the middle of the night I got up to piss and I was just and you know how just randomly a fuck goes in your head and I was like yes I'm glad Shane liked Tom show that's cool and then I was like wait He didn't reach out about my show. I was like yes, not once did he even ignore and I actually Talked to him when I was going into production. He's like hey congrats on the new series. It's gonna be fun You know, let me know if he was like let me know if you need me acting tips and I was like okay He's like I can coach you I do coaching sessions or some shit. I forget he said but I was like He's like or the other dude the guy who plays the boss and I was really I was really impressed with your acting in both things that I never know. I never even got an offer to be in wheels The wheels is fucking yeah, I know you should well you should bring that up. Maybe call him and bring it up So but I'm glad he liked your show. That's all the matter Robert Kelly Wow, Kelly also did not reach out about my show. He said the nicest thing about it To Justin Timberlake to just to staff enough to Justin Timberlake to tell He sent me a DM. Yeah. No, you're are you being serious? Yeah, he loved it. Yeah. Are you being here? That was my one flex No, I was kidding. Oh JT hit me up JT and uh and JB Get you up. They love the show. They love the show. They JT loved it. He was like it doesn't feel as good as a comedian though No, it feels better No, I mean Shane just got into the business JT's been in making mouse pop. I mean Shane really kind of barely knows what he's doing JT is JT This this Shane thing seems to like really it bothers me so fucking much that I can reach out to him He didn't even the staff and it was the first person that texted me and the very first person And I was like and I was like wow, that was really cool because you don't see it from those guys I didn't get a message from Bobby Kelly, but that makes that tracks and yeah, because I'm leaving out other people It was a bunch of of the bunch of comedians who else fucking texted you Tom I feel like we should stop there. Okay. I feel like we should stop. There's other comedians. Can I tell you what I want to do? Yeah I want to take your skill set And I want to double down Okay with my favorite brand my favorite brand my favorite brand and very seldomly can I say that Yeah, and mean it mountain do and it's summer. This one is not diet. Oh my god. This is the mountain. Dude. This is American do Wow, this is incredible. I can totally taste the difference. This is how much I drink mountain do I can taste when it's not diet or zero sugar I've seen you by the way come up to my house with a 64 ounce cup of mountain do dude is my favorite thing the delivery system for a mountain do is so is equal as Important as the mountain do itself. I live with the delivery system a good looking cup If you have a good looking cup fill with ice and that's why this is what I'd like to do and and obviously There's going to take a little work from the fans and from Tom, but you live by a lake. I will be near a lake I remember the first mountain do commercial I ever saw Uh-huh, and it was a dude. I watched it the other night It's not what I remember. It's when you know your memory fades. It was a dude on a rope swinging into a lake and he caught an eagle with his hand Yeah, and it just and it was so American to me. It turns out it was another rope It was I thought it was an eagle as a child. You put eagle in there though. I remember thinking like oh, he caught a fucking eagle Well, there's the thing is some things do hit different in the summer like they just do mountain do um ice cream Like fresh fruit, you know like like watermelon mango Chill like ice grapes. So certain things in the summer just hit different and for For like as long as I can remember The best thing about like the best beverage summertime is now I do my favorite thing by the way that I'm doing this summer And it's like my favorite memory of just growing up and like as a young adult is fishing Like going fishing in the summertime and going just hanging out with the boys Fishing Having a great time sharing stories having laughs. I'm taking my boys fishing. Oh, that's what I'm most looking forward to this summer. I remember mountain dew had They would grab the drink out of the out of the river. It was like you'd see the the drink come out of the water ice cold river just Mountain Dew, here's what we're going to do. We're going to make a sizzle reel. We want this to be as bizarre and unique as Tom's show. So we aren't going to write it ourselves. We're going to take submissions from our fans from you guys from you guys right now. All we need you to do is send in things you'd love to see in this sizzle as our fans. And then we will create the sizzle. Meaning, but tell us tell us though, tell us like you're most like your wildest American summer story or tradition. Whatever your idea is, it's rooted in American summer. Send that into us at two bears, one cave at gmail.com. The number two, the word bears, the number one, the word cave at gmail.com. Send those in. And then we will make our own memorable summertime Mountain Dew sizzle reel that we will play for you. Now, we want your ideas to be as fun and bizarre and it's out there in a budgetary fashion. Don't say I need Elon Musk on a Jetsky. That's not going to happen. But we can probably get a Jetsky. We can probably get girls and bikinis. We can probably get things that resonate as American summer to you. And then we will make that and it will be like Homer Simpson's car. Do you remember when they gave Homer Simpson the license to make his own car? And he was like, there should be a bubble here that feeds donuts. We want it to be that fun and bizarre. My perfect. Send it in and we'll make it. Can you guide me a diet one? These I really do. I really genuinely drink Mountain Dew. You look great, by the way. I feel fantastic. Tom, can I say something? Yeah. And I, you know, I don't know what our podcast is anymore. We don't fall into the, into the influencer, like fitness influencer. I don't know if we fought. I mean, I feel like every comedy podcast right now is like a, is like a political morning show, you know, a lot of quotes. He just did so many air quotes. I don't know why I'm doing this. But I feel like sometimes I just tell secrets, you know? Yeah. I want to tell you about experience. I had this weekend where I felt very proud and I, and I, I'm putting this out there for anyone listening. When you're in your 30s, like you're, what do you, what do you 37, Tom? Exactly. Yeah. It turned 38 in a week. When you're in your 30s and you hang out with parents, the only thing you can judge each other by status wise is, is job and money and how they're doing that way, right? Mm-hmm. And then at a certain age, that all kind of disappears. And then when you get in your 50s, the currency is health, right? And I will say as someone who never had money, like when we were young parents, we never had like money. And I, we always went to someone that nicer's house than ours. And I was always insecure about it and going like, God, how do they have this house? How do they have cars like this? What is a post supervisor even do for living? Like all those questions I had, I went to a party this weekend. And I was the diamond. I was the princess bride. I was the debutant because at 53, I was in the best shaped home. There were dudes getting hip replacements. Guys get with Stinson. Guys that all were like chasing money and chasing that dream. Which I chased too, but I just could, I was, it was the weird race. But all of a sudden, I was like, they're like, God, you look great. And I was like, thanks. And then they're like, are you working out? I was like, yeah. And it's so crazy. And then I looked at my wife and I went, God, she really got a penny stock and shined it. Like, yeah. I mean, she could be married to the guy with, with the hip replacement or could be married to the guy that can't have to watch his, but instead she's got this beast of a savage that still brings it to the bedroom. It still brings it. Yeah. And, and like he's about to fucking go off the rails when he goes back to drinking. Dude. Must be exciting for her to be like, what's this animal going to do next? She got me listening to a book about, she was like, you're not doing any work. What do you mean? She's like, she is, you're not doing any work. You're supposed to have figured out what you're going to do about drinking when you start drinking and you haven't done anything because you can start drinking the way you drank before. And I think we all agree that that's not what we want out of this journey. So what's the book? You don't even know. It's an audiobook and it's so worship. This woman is trying to tell everyone she had back pain. And then she convinced her brain she didn't have back pain anymore. And then she didn't have back pain. And I'm like, that's not fucking real. And then she's like the same thing happened to Howard Stern and I was like, bullshit. So you're supposed to apply this as like for drinking? Yeah. You're conscious mind versus your subconscious mind. If I talk too loud, the animal come up and start calling me out on it, but it's like, you're conscious mind versus your subconscious mind. And so because like what I've noticed is that everyone, I fall into the category of all those social media influencers that monetize their sobriety. There's all those people are like, they're like, the best medicine vitamin D, the best protein, a stake in eggs. You don't need supplements like those guys. I've been sober for seven years. I haven't sucked a dick outside of, you know, those guys, they're all broken. They didn't really get sober. They just, they got, they stopped drinking, but they're not. They're very fucked up people. All of them, almost all of them, if they're on Instagram and they're, they're touting their sobriety and they're, they're monetizing it with some plan or some program or follow me, watch my workout. They're, they're very, very, very broken people. And I'm just like, I'm just like down or something. Why don't you get into like, cratum or something? They've got dude. Yeah. That's all I follow with dudes that are getting, kicking cratum. Cratum is not good, man. Oh, I don't know about that. I feel like you might, they're sponsors for a while. Yeah. I think you could take that on a ride and see where you go. I think you would, it would help you in workouts. I think it would help you wind down. You took cratum before, right? Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Dude, what, what is it? Everyone, it, it, it, it attaches to the same opioid receptors, you know? Yeah. It's how you get off heroin. You should try it, dude. It's fucking cool. Don't worry. You already came up in a meeting. I came up in a meeting therapy about your DMT use. Oh, what'd they say? Not to do it. It wasn't good. Really? I was like, Tom, Tom does, does DMT because we were trying to talk about like, maybe I should take mushrooms before I start drinking or maybe I should. And that's an interesting one. Tom does DMT and then someone's eyes lit up like DMT and they're like, wow, how many times he'd done it? And I started like, I think five times. And then like in his life, I was like in a hotel room. And Leanne's like, what's DMT? And I was like, fucking cool dude. I tried to downplay it. I go, it's like a psychedelic. And the lady's like, it's way more than a psychedelic. Yeah, it's rad. I'm a huge proponent. How did you get? What did you get? You got the pen. Say the first time I had the, the raw real deal. And it was like sprinkled in weed. And it was like a certain level. But it was also mixed with weed. The next time was the, where did you do it when it was mixed with weed? Arizona. It was just like a retreat. Yeah, like I buy a campfire. Yeah. You're being really like, like who are you with? Just a buddy of mine. Yeah, who loves it? And he brought it. And then he was like, try this. And I was like, oh, it was fun. Like it didn't feel that intense. It didn't feel intense at all. And it felt like, oh, you also felt like the mix with the weed. But then the pen was just like, whatever, it's just the pure extract or however they, I don't, you know, I don't know how they make the, the pen. But that one got way, way more intense. So wait, because I'm curious. Okay. I don't mean this is an insult, but I feel like my intense would be more overwhelming than your intense. Your intense is like, you saw an Asian dude in a couple numbers. No, my intense would be like, I was turned into a frog. I would live as a frog. It wasn't like that. It wasn't, it was like, it first like your entire vision changed completely. Like you lose, you lose all perception of vision. No, I just saw everything became sketched like a sketchbook. Everything was black and white. Everywhere you looked, everything. Yeah. And that was kind of terrifying. Because the thought goes through your mind that this is the permanent way you'll see things. It was fucking terrifying. The idea that I will only see sketch for the rest of my life. Bro, and it wasn't like an idea of seeing sketch. It was what I saw in front of me and everywhere. It was nuts. And that was that, I was like, Oh my God. So that was fucking really mind numbing. And then the next phase of it was just shelved thoughts coming in front of you trying to resolve your own issues. And did you relax into the sketch? Or did you? Well, I was so scared of the sketch, dude. I was so scared of the sketch that I close my eyes. And I was like, Oh my God, that cannot be what's happening. And then I open my eyes. And it was all everything was sketched. That was scary as shit. But that started to wane. And then other ideas came like to examine that that was more rewarding. Yeah. But I haven't done it in a long time. What was your takeaway? Did you have a takeaway? I feel like. The takeaway that was just that, and also you should know that it doesn't last very long. - How long? - So that whole experience, for me was like 15 minutes? - Oh wow. - Yeah, and then it's gone, and it's over. - Just to be fair, 15 minutes on a salt bike feels like forever. - Yeah, there's points where you're like, oh my God, and then when it's over, you're like that wasn't that long, you know? But I think it was really good to do some self examination on it was rewarding in that sense. So the takeaway was just like, oh, what are you examining though? - I mean, I thought a lot about purpose of life, I thought about death, I thought about deaths of people, you know, like my dad, things like of that nature, and then processing grief, things of that nature that like maybe you don't examine that often. So you just kind of forced you to take like the shelved thought and look at it, and that I thought was rewarding. I liked it, you know, because it's something, if you don't, people have a tendency to shelve things they don't want to deal with. That's why it's a value. - Yeah, I think I shelved stuff, I don't want to deal with, I'm turning into a much nastier person now that I'm not drinking. - Do you think so? - Less of a people pleaser. - I start being a little nastier on texts. I know that, you can ask people at your office about that. - Yeah, no, I've heard. - Yeah. - Is your sleep score lower than you'd like on your whoop or your or apple ring watch, whatever the hell you wear? Do you currently have sleep aids that you're taking that are too strong and you feel like you want something healthier or need something healthier? Sleep is such an important part of our lives and health and getting good sleep is an absolute game changer. 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One nonwithdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York and July 19th. Terms at dkng.co/audio. But you think that's related to a sobriety? I think it's 100%. I feel like when I was drinking, people looked at me and they were like, oh, just don't worry about bird. He'll do it. These fine. Just get them a drink, you know? That kind of like, you know, what I was like. It didn't take me serious. And then I've been sober. I've noticed that that energy still permeates. Like they pat me on the head. And I was like, hold on. There's no there's no patting me on the head. I will decide, I will decide my path and my journey. And is this something you see everywhere? I've been very short with a lot of people. And I very quickly, like I'll give you a perfect example. So we're going into, let me, I'm going to say the right way to do this. We're going into season two. And someone said, you know, you're, but I'm just flying in to do a show in Atlanta. I'm just flying in and, and then I fly back out and I'm moving some stuff into my apartment in Atlanta. And on the day of the show, and you know how kind of like, if you have a show and it's an arena, it's my last show of the tour. It's, you kind of want it for your day, you want to focus on your show. And the, the, the email was they need you in the office to do some camera tests for just like 30 minutes. And I went, no. And they were like, it's just going to be 30 minutes and I went, yeah, no. And they're like, but I don't think you understand. And I was like, no, I do understand. And I'm, I'm not asking, I'm telling it's no. And I think old birth, they would have been like, well, I have like a 12 pack of beer for you. You can come in. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I'm a little quicker to be nastier than I've ever been in my life. And I don't know if I like it. I, well, do you have to be nastier or just be like, I feel like it's, I feel like what it is, Tom, it's pent up at years of, of me realizing this is the way they've always talked to me. And, and now I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, like no one talks to you like that. No one, no one talks to you sideways ever. And it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, I respect that, I respect that like, that you hold a standard. I, I, I, I, not emulate that, but I would like to emulate that. Like I hold a standard and this is my boundaries, and I'm going to push back on boundaries. You've always been like that. You fucking left your screening after 15 minutes. Like, and I loved that. I loved that, Tom. Like I, you know, cause I, I, I'm starting to understand that a little bit. We went to, it was 15 minutes is an overstatement. I'm only to be fair to Tom, but we went to the screening of bad thoughts and you went in and you said, hi to everyone and you're like, I'm in a bounce. And I, and everyone was still there drinking a party and, and I was like, I want a bounce and you're like, believe, and I, but I would, was a people pleaser where I would stay until the last person left. Yeah. I think you also might be conflating, um, being nasty with just having boundaries and holding ground. I don't think that's nasty. You can, people can be nasty and you don't have to be harsh or rude, but like just having your own boundaries and saying, no, it's not nasty to, like, you're not being, I don't consider that to be bad behavior by just, I think you're on the right track, man. Well, so funny. We talked about this last time and, and, uh, and we, we didn't really go into it. And when we were, I was wanted to talk to you about the Arod documentary because Arod's such an interesting guy. And I, I, I say this as if Arod's going to watch this and I know he's not. But like the documentary about him is absolutely fascinating because you deal, you're watching a child grow from like 17 to millionaire to the wealthiest played at paid athlete and major league baseball to a wild, unruly narcissist and, and in, in the bad way, like in the really bad way, like a guy that really leverages his hall of fame opportunity to do steroids, like he really did that and he made that choice. And then he goes into therapy with this guy and he starts to break down all the shit about who is Arod and like even as kids are like there's two people there's dad and there's Arod. And do you relate to that? I did in a wild way. I related to him and Hulk Hogan in crazy ways. Yeah, that does seem like it's kind of on on brand. But it's but it's because but less of it now, right? A hundred percent less of it. Yeah, like it's so funny. I relate to can I tell you what I relate to the most and this is going to sound crazy what black graduations. Then why is that so have you been watching? I mean, I've seen them before. I'm not like in the season right now. But you know, like the they graduate and then the girl does the dance. And then I mean, not like the white people are outraged and then black people like that's how we are. Yeah. And I see both sides of the fence based on me. Like I am a hundred percent racist. But the kid is that what you're going to say? No, it's not what I'm going to say. Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead. And you're a hundred percent. The kid who dances and has their moment. And also, you're the white person that's like, Hey, guys, pull your pants up and stop with the gibber jabber. Is that what you're saying? Now I know why they love you. You talk to them real. I'm I'm a hundred percent the girl or I say because it's only girls. I see doing it. Girl's dance. I'm a tip. All right. They're working further. What's the other thing you do? Turn your fucking music down. I get it. I 100% am the girl who dances after graduation. And I also, and that's me. That's Bert all the time. That's Bert. That's Bert. And then me sober, Bert realizes that that Bert is stealing everyone's sunshine. Right. Sober, Bert realizes that I'm making this about me when it's about us that there's as I'm dancing in the corner. And I only saw this because Kevin Hart's kid graduated high school and he ran up on stage and hit like a popper thing, right? Like a thing that exploded. And he did it. And I don't know if exactly that was, but there's a kid whose name they're also announcing. Like they can't a lot time for everyone to have a celebration. And they got to get through names. There's like 500 fucking names to go through. And they've got some crazy names, right? That's how you're going to say you're like, how do you even pronounce this quintavius? Go ahead. And so, so I realized that I am both black people. I am, I am the one dancing. And then I'm the one whose kid is next who you didn't hear their name because this one's dancing. Got you. So like I, and so that's what I'm coming to is like, you know what's crazy about you is that in these, in these several last several months, all of your insights and self reflection and observations about self insubriting are all so fucking incredible. And you still are like, and no one will tell me not to drink like every marker that is possible in your life to observe and note is a thousand times better. And you're just like, I'm fucking drinking. You're like, my health is better. My thoughts are better. My sleep is better. I'm physically better. I have more insight about myself. I'm a better person. I set boundaries. I will fucking drink as much as I want. I'm sprinting back to the old me. I know. You're so funny dude. That's so funny. I, it's fascinating to watch you. You should watch this a rod documentary. I started the Rafa one. So I do. I just started the Rafa one. Rafa one's really fucking interesting. Dude, can I tell you what's crazy is I remember him. I think it was in the French open in 2004. We just had Georgia. And I was playing tennis all the time. And I was watching him. And he was up. He was usurping. I think that's the right word. Roger Federer around that time, 2006, 2004. And I was like, I remember going, wait, wait, Roger Federer's getting old. Like Roger Federer. And now Rafa's getting old. And you're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I don't think you know for Federer was old though. No, but he was, but Rafa was better than he was the young gun. He's the, yeah, he's just taking Federer. Yeah, it's a fascinating. It's so cool, dude. I mean, that guy's, he's unbelievable. I just, I just started it. Do they talk about his OCD? I mean, I'm only into the first episode. So I, I don't know if it gets into the OCD. Obviously like they're, they're talking, they, they do a lot of like flashback to how he came up and like, just his level of like the injuries he's dealt with and how, just how disciplined the guy is and obsessed he is with the sport. It's, it's very cool. He would, when he was playing, he would get to the sidelines and he take his water bottle and he'd turn it like this and he'd open it and he'd turn it like this. And he was, he was, I was, because I'm a little obsessive-compulsive. I identified it with him when he was one, I'd watch him play and wimbled in and the French open. I used to love playing tennis. I used to fucking love watching tennis. When you, you know, I, I, I knew you host me. You stand back me on that fucking tennis thing. Oh, I remember the first time I caught my reflection and realized I was losing my hair that my hairline was creeping back. It is my first foot in the grave. It is such a terrifying feeling. Hymns makes it simple to actually do something about it. 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If they don't carry it, tell 'em you won in the carry. - Tell 'em request it. When you go to the bar, you say, "Hey, do you carry Porosos?" And if they say no, go, "You should." It's pretty frickin' awesome. - And then walk out. - You know what I do? I go, "Do you carry Porosos?" And they say, "No, I bring out a bottle and give it to him." I go, "Now you do." - Can I get a bottle of glass of Porosos? - That's awesome, that's awesome. - You're like, "I don't know. "When I was a kid, I played fucking liar. Go ahead." - Dude, I fucking, Rafa's a bad ass. Dude, I'll tell you what, did you see the Vinny Jones documentary on Netflix? We don't have a deal with Netflix. We do have deals with Netflix, but Vinny Jones show on Netflix isn't saying no. I saw the little teaser, I want to see it. - Do you think, do you have any plans on making a documentary on Thompson Girl when you die? - When I die? - Yeah, well, I mean, no one wants to see it when you're alive. It's called "Torgasm." - Well, what do I do? Just be like, "Hey, when I die, "make sure you do a thing about me." - No, you have to do it. - I'll do it. - Oh, you'll do it when I'm dying? - No, when you're dead. - Oh, so, I mean, I think it's too late, it would be too late. - Oh, you need to have it ready for the day you die. - Well, I just think that like, I mean, assuming I, let's say I die at 71, right? It's like it's too far removed from like any significance. You'd have to do it in like the next 10 years. So I guess maybe you could hope I die then. - Can I tell you, I've been thinking about doing a merch drop for the day I die and my buddy died and they did a merch drop and he moved so much fucking merch. - Who? - My buddy, Jeff Mercer. We went to his, his Mercer Fest. It was a celebration of life. By the way, celebration of life is not as fun as it sounds. - It's not? - I thought it was gonna be a lot more enjoyable and it was a very emotional. And he was just, he was a great guy. He was a great guy who all he did was serve others. That's it. He was a great guy. And by the way, can I tell you why I loved what I loved? I shouldn't say this all out. The thing I liked most about him is that he liked me. Like, when-- - That's a cool, yeah. - When not a lot-- - Yeah, does that a lot. Is a Trump says that a lot. He'll be like, he likes me, I like him. He doesn't like me. Fuck him. - He liked me when no one liked me. Like when I first started dating Leanne, no one liked me out of that friend group. And he did. He was like, he got a kick out of me. And I've-- - Yeah. - Not a lot of people liked me. - He had merch set to drop. - So they, I was fucking brilliant. He did a celebration of life. There was probably 700 people showed up. 700 people, dude, for a celebration of life. I wish he got to see how many people came to his celebration of life. 700 people, it was packed, packed. That's how much he affected people. Is 700 people showed up. And they had Mercer-Fest shirts. I couldn't, the line was so long to get them, Tom. He must have moved at least 700 shirts. That's what we're talking, a trip to Hawaii. - That's fucking awesome. Would you do, 'cause I think a funny one for you would be a shirt where there's like an empty like craft of cool aid. And they have the X's over your eyes and your tongue out. So it's like like that, you know? - Yeah. - But like, and then your body's limp. And there's like a drop, one last drop coming out of the jar. That'd be a fun, you know? - Yeah, will you drop, will you do a merch drop when I die and then give Leanne? And I think, 'cause I was saying to Leanne, I was like, what do you do when you do a merch drop? Like what do you do with that money? I mean, I guess ultimately, you know, you pay bills, but ultimately you really should, if you can do something fun. - And by the way, everyone should do a merch drop when they die, because you have friends and family who are gonna wanna remember you and gonna wanna get shirts and be like, you know, I'll wear this and it reminds me that I'm still alive and I need to work out and I need to get my shirt together and, you know, and then you have that extra money and just put it aside for a trip to Hawaii to like take some time off, you know? - Yeah, yeah, I like that. - That's a really good idea. - Yeah. - Can I take a cut? I mean, I'm gonna have to do the design, the production, you know, can I just, like, no, just, just, (laughing) - Just take up Leanne's, I'm gonna do the books, just take it off the top. - Okay, well, just, we have an agreement that I can skim, right? (laughing) - We were, that we're talking about. - She's like, oh wow, $1,100. I'm like, it was fucking, it's really expensive to make it. (laughing) (laughing) - We just have Heather, call Leanne, Leanne loves Heather. - Yeah, cool. - Heather will be like, okay, we got a merciless job money for you and Leanne won't question it. She'll be like, oh, okay, thanks, Heather. - Just then, Moet. - The, Leanne was talking about what, if, 'cause you know, we got a celebration of life when we got really emotional. He was such a great guy. He was like a principal of a school. He was just a great fucking guy. And, (laughing) (laughing) Leanne and his wife, Noel, who we've known for, you know, 25 years, was, she was really strong. And, you know, we were crying, and then she started crying, and she was like, I wasn't supposed to cry today, and we're like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. And then, Leanne was like, if I died, would you have a celebration of life for me? And I said, yeah, and she goes, no one would show up. I go, people would show up. She goes, you think? And I said, yeah. She goes, would you be as strong as Noel? And I would be like, no. I'd be walking around going, you're fatter than her. Why are you dead? She never fucking liked you. Get the fuck out of here. - That would be, that would be mean bird. - I would be so miserably fucking toxic. - Well, hopefully you'd be under the influence. Little nicer. - I would be. I would be like-- - He'd be fentanyl. - Yeah, dude. Yeah, I would be there for that. I would love to see that part. - Oh, you know you'd have to fucking. - By the way, I think you should do the mushrooms. - We have a friend, we have a mutual friend who we talked to on the phone the other day, and I said, send him to me, and I'm waiting for them, and I'm going to do them. - You should definitely do it. - I'm excited. I'm not gonna do like the child's dose. - Oh, okay. - I'm gonna do like a hero's dose. - The mid love? - Oh, go for it, yeah. It's not that crazy. - It's not that crazy. And I'm gonna just do double of like, of a microdose, just to go like start, and then I'm gonna ride it out. But I, but I, you know what I need, Tom? I need like a shaman. Shaman, shaman, shaman? - Shaman. - What do they call, yeah, shaman. I need a shaman. - You can get that in a lane. - Tom, we should do a two bears where we eat mushrooms and have a shaman guide us. - I'm down. A hundred percent down. - That would be fun as fuck. - I have a thousand percent down. - Are you? - A thousand percent. Yes. And then we'll do DMT also. - No, we're not doing DMT. - Why, dude? - Hey. Who is I talking to the other day? They're like, I wish everything performed like ecstasy. And they're like, someone was telling me, they were like, you know, every time you take mushrooms, there's always like that first 30 minutes or like, God damn it. I hope this is fun. They're like, it's, you never have that on ecstasy or always like, this is fucking awesome. I think we should all be on ecstasy all the time. - I would love to try ecstasy with me, you, Leanne, and push. - Well, yeah. And then you get that serotonin dump, it's the fucking, you know, I never, I never noticed the hang over the next day on ecstasy when I was in college. But man, the last time I did ecstasy, I was in a spiral. - Really? For like three days. - Afterwards? - Yeah. - I tried from the depletion. - Yeah. - The depletion was. - Yeah, that can really throw you off. - I was over at the time. - That can really throw you off. Yeah, I think you're supposed to take something after that to-- - Roll off. - Roll off. Remember? - Yeah, yeah. So I didn't tell you from the very beginning, guess what I'm doing. - I don't know. - What? - I've decided to examine what's going on in my guts. So I have to shit into a bucket. And then scoop that shit into little vials and drop it off at a lab. And I have to refrigerate some, I have to put some in the freezer and some are room temperature. And then I'm going to give it to a lab and they're going to tell me why I shit the way I shit. - How are you shitting now? - Well, it's just so unpredictable and nothing makes sense to me. So I'd like to give you to guess what it's going to reveal because I could eat chicken and rice in a banana and just have a crazy shit and then have a cheeseburger and have a normal shit. None of it makes any sense to me. - Wait, do you ever eat a marker, meaning a jalapeno, just to track where my stomach is? - No. - Do that all the time. Eat a jalapeno. What would that do? - And then you know where you know what's before and after it. - Oh, I see what you mean. - So if you eat a jalapeno, then you know, I'll eat a jalapeno and then won't eat anything and then when I feel the fucking fire shoot out of my ass, I go, there's nothing in front of that. - Wow. No, I definitely have something going on, but I'm wondering, like, do I have crumbs disease? - Okay, hang on. How often, like, so, tourbuses. fucked up my shit in that because in a tour and I live in my tour bus, but you can't just shit in the morning You got to get up and go shit and sometimes if your day starts early you have to swallow your shit meaning hold on to it and then You ride it out until later in the day And then sometimes you break up your shits in two and you have a little one in the morning and a little one at night Yeah, I used to be just one big one in the morning and that was it now. What is your and right now? I'm like usually. I'm a little one in the morning a little or like a medium one in the morning a medium one at night And so but what is your shits like like once a day? No, I would say I'm good. I'm I'm usually a twice a day. I'm usually twice a day evening and morning Yeah, always in the morning and then the rest of the day I could have an afternoon and an evening or I could have Just one other, but I think I'm good for twice a day usually. Okay. Okay, and then and there's no consistency to it now I had to the second you feel a shit coming on. Yeah What is the percentage of of it's touching lips? I'm touching toilet What is the percentage like meaning like this morning? I'll give you a perfect example this morning. I Was I sat up in bed and I was like I or actually I went into the bathroom to go take a shit and Leanne came in to talk to me and I was like I'm not gonna Shit right now. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna sit in the I'm gonna stop what I'm doing and I'm gonna listen to her and then I went back to shit And I shit afterwards, but I wish I had just gotten up and shit right away like the second I feel I got a shit I want to go shit immediately Yeah, I try to do that. Okay, I try to do that, but sometimes Sometimes I you know depending on the circumstances sometimes you're gonna holding it more than you want to yeah But I would say most of the time I'm like I got a shit. I got to go. Okay, so what is the are you worried about the The representation of what you eat and what you sheer shit looks like and they're not the same? Well, you know, I'm worried that like I'm like I have too many wild shits That are not you love that. I'd love that. What do you mean? I I shit my pants in bed and I slept through it the other day. What yeah, I know How I thought it was a fart How much it was there enough that was all my cheeks and I worked out in it and then I took a shower the next morning And I was like what is that and I thought it was like Lou or something and then Lou and I was like I was literally I was like, what is that that's crazy? I didn't even think anything up and then I took the towel and I wiped my ass with the towel and there was Shit on both cheeks and I was like, oh wow. I shit my pants last night and then I looked at the pants I was like knowing that and Leanne came in my room and she was like it smells like balls in here and I said to her I go it's not balls. I shit my pants in the middle of the night. I wear the sheets covered in shit. No, just to my pants Wow and but it was just a you know like probably more a more of an amount of shit than you'd want to sleep in but not enough to wake me up It just reminds me. I remember one time my dad he farted in in bed watching TV Shit shot out of him on to the comforter and then he flipped the comforter over And I was like are you gonna just sleep like that? He was like it's just a little bit of shit. See and I go that's insane No shit on your bed. Can I tell you there's I I grew up with a dad who shit himself all the time my dad He would we would get a phone call and be like hey, I need help. I'm in a 7 11. I need you to pick me up He did shit all over himself. Holy cow. He would we would find him in orange grows where he had shit himself And he run out of the orange grove covered in shit. I mean, he's shit himself so much I'm gonna call my dad. I guarantee you if I said dad how many times you think you shit your pants? He's gonna say over a thousand I have to be hold on for a second. I mean my dad and so I grew up in a household where shitting your pants was all 100% normal Does he have any like digestive issues then? Hey dad, or just give me a ring. Well, you're on the podcast with me and Tom That's really nice to know okay, um, and we're talking about shitting yourself now I said that I grew up with a father who shit himself fairly commonly if you had to ballpark If you had to say a number, how many times you think you've shit yourself. What do you think that number would be? Dad shut up dad how many times do you think you've shit yourself? Any dad any shitting yourself out Sad bullshit. How many times did you hide in an orange grove because you shit yourself? How many times have you shit yourself just in New York City? I don't ever New York that bullshit. You didn't leave the hotel because you were shitting yourself What character are you doing right now? How many times have you shit yourself? I think this conversation's empty I think you should call Tom's mother. Does he have any does he have any digestive issues? Do you have any digestive issues? Did he take any medicine? Yeah, I'm perfectly healthy. Do you take Tom's having shitting issues and so he's going to take he's going in to get it all his shit exam examined Oh, I never did that Maybe give it a shot. I mean I don't know what his results are. I will. I will all right. I love y'all talk to you later I love you too. Bye bye. He has shit himself easily 2,000 times You spent from one to 2,000 dude. I can't tell you how often he shit himself as A child there's two things that like like my assistant Kyle is not comfortable with male nudity No, neither was my other assistant peter, but like I grew up in locker room and naked shit covered dad Yeah, like my dad my dad walked around naked. I saw my dad naked and I saw other men naked like you go into a locker room Oh, yeah, men would be naked and no one was like hey, does this bother you you they just and if you had a problem with it you were gay right and so Yeah, yeah, man, they're like what do you gay? Why can't you look at my dick and you're like, I don't know Watch open your mouth pretty boy. Yeah I remember going to high school and being like them being like take you take your clothes off and we were in ninth grade And like getting a shower with 180 other dudes and you're like my maybe not that maybe like 50 put you're like And and you went in with dudes that were seniors there were 18 years old They got vote and go in the military. I was a good teen 14 like yeah, and big Dix and X wing and Dix I remember trying to get my dick just a little hard to go in there so that it didn't look small Yeah, yeah, he tugged a little bit smack it around Yeah, but like boys these days like Kyle my assistant my oldest assistant Pete if they even see you in their underwear You're like whoa. What are you doing? Oh my god. I have to say hey, I'm getting naked in my room so that they don't walk in on accident Yeah, what who said it? What did any say any said that's not weird What seeing a guy's dick. No, he likes the other way. He likes guys being like give me a warning Yeah, whatever. I don't want to salivate when I see it. He's very like yeah, I think that's gay I think the fact that these boys can't be around dudes who shit themselves He also doesn't like to see guys kiss or like he's always weird man. That's so fucked up dude. I love watching his kiss I mean me too. I I also you don't like talking about Dix. Yeah Like who's got a nice piece on him. Oh, I mean that can I tell you that's my favorite subject. Yeah Mine too, man when I think of Pete Davidson's body of work. I just think of his dick. Yeah Famous Dix. There's their fun to talk about. I'm blown away that this generation can't just be naked Dude, we didn't have there was a period of time in our fraternity house We didn't have doors up on the toilets. You had to shit next to a dude on a toilet like you were sitting at the airport waiting for a flight That's rad. I remember so I remember in ninth grade Be going to a friend's house and them just taking a ship with the door open and being like this is normal This is what life is yeah, and like the showering I remember like oh man like the guys who had like thigh slappers We're like whoa dude. I can we're in high school. I remember I remember being a freshman and one of the dudes is like Is the water warm enough for you and I was like yeah? And he was like are you sure and everyone was laughing and I was like yeah, it's fine And he's like really and it's like two dudes pissing on me And I was like oh cool. Oh, this is fun. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. I'm getting pissed on Now that I say that it's a little more traumatic. It sounds a little more dramatic. It's a little try. It sounds a little traumatizing I wait dude. What's your year old's pissing on me? It's crazy dude. That's crazy It's so fucking bad. Did you remember a swirly? No, were they do you ever have a guy jack off in the shower with you? Yes Yeah, yes, but but a joke jack off like yeah Like a joke jack they get their dick hard and they jack like this. They go oh you think I'm getting old you It's a little gay and then there's eye contact and they're like I'm gonna come and you're like okay. All right got it That happened up until I was 24 24 I was the last time I saw dude jerk off in front of me like joke joke jerking off Yeah, like joke jerking off. That's why I'll do it till the end sometimes like I'm just sitting on the couch And there were climbers and I just take my dick out and just start jerking it and then she'll be like what are you doing? I was like I was gonna come I know you like that. Do you what is your predictor? I? Want to know now like with the information you have What's the results of my shit exam Just so we can go back on this. Is it a chronic issue? No, am I gonna be on meds? Is it a simple diet pivot or is it nothing or is it like death terminal? No, it's gonna be it's gonna be your breeding I'm sorry. You're breeding. It's gonna be you're gonna need high altitude foods because you come from a high altitude culture So it's a it's a diet pivot it's a diet pivot. I guarantee you it's a diet pivot you've gotten too much Here's a deal dude. You you are not dark enough for your breeding like you forget your your mirrors should say Peruvian on top of it because you're half Peruvian your half full-blooded Peruvian instead you're a half breed That comes out wrong you're a half you're a half you're a half Peruvian But you but you but that's the deal like Sandra who the works in our office. You saw her coming in the Asian chick Happy yeah, she no she's full full. She can't fuck around with a lot of different foods doesn't smell doesn't have body here That's breeding that is like that comes out really eugenics but like but do you think the doctors gonna talk to me this way? No, but he should dude they did that thing where they're like yo you should be eating a Mediterranean diet They say that to people from the Mediterranean. I am German Irish. I should be eating potatoes and bread Yeah, and brought worst like I really think that the generations of how your body ate your people ate Does affect how you move forward you can't just give I was it black people are lactose intolerant Or is it Asians or lactose intolerant and maybe Asians I think Well 70% of the population is some degree of lactose intolerant But like I think what happened is and I know this is gonna come out really fucked up I don't really care But like our country is a big melting pot And that's what happened to our food is our food turning to a melting pot And now we're eating from all over the world But the truth is our stomachs are still based in where we were born. It's our DNA. It's our DNA And so you can't just eat crazy shit and then go well I wonder why I can't eat raw fish every single day. Well, you're not Japanese, you know you And so I guarantee you it's going to be a dietary change and it's going to be high altitude low-fat meats It's going to be what pull up what proven Z I guarantee you it's like It's like when you go to the South when I go to the South where Leanne's family is they their Salsa's are all so bland and they can't anything with spice in it But they're all Scottish breeding and then you go to like Mexico. They don't even notice spice Here you go buddy a vibrant blend of indigenous Staples like potatoes and corn But even still you got to go back based on rice legumes various proteins Lots of potato the potato comes from Peru Choclo which is giant corn quinoa and grains or as Joey Diaz says Quenau Quenau Yeah chicken beef pork fresh. You should try eating like this For one week and I bet your stomach goes right now pull up what a German should eat Yeah Like yeah, what's the typical German Germanic diet put Germanic diet And that's probably what I should eat beer right pretzels hardy filling comfort foods pork potatoes dark breads various Fucking love dark breads meat and see pork is by far the most popular meat dude. I love pork him Yeah, dude, you should we should all right. Let's try this experiment and see how to find out what black people are if they're see if they're Electrocentolerant. I think they are lactose intolerant and so like because they didn't have oh wait was it Didn't have cheese they had cheese in Africa. No, they didn't have cheese in Africa Yeah 70 to 80 percent of black people have lactose non persistence. So like in their bodies produce lower levels of the enzyme needed to digest lactose Oh, man type in what do black people like eating That's gonna not come out right never mind don't type that yeah type it anyway But but here's the deal is like I think we've ignored based on On generations and generations of what typically our stomachs were used to we've ignored it. It's a good theory I think it's a good theory and I think that's what's going on with you Think you might be right. I'm gonna go shit in a bucket. I'm gonna go Scoop it out put it in vials drop it off and I will have a report for you very soon I want a shit in a bucket now. How how much you paying the shit in a bucket? I don't know It's the doctor just gave me they're like pick up this stuff from the lab and I got all the stuff And now I just got to shit and scoop it. I'm so and I told the doc. I was like oh, I'll wait for a good shit She was like no, give me a nasty one. Give me a bad one. I was like. Oh, yeah, okay. You should you should put some like a crayon in it Oh and just be all right and just to just to just to fuck with her like put a crayon And then she's like and then and then she's like okay. This is a very funny prank. I need you to do it again Okay, I got a run. I love you Thank you for watching and thank you for listening. We'll see you next week