Today I F*cked Up!

saying how you feel out loud is terrifying but that's what hinge's new free audiobook no ordinary love is all about it's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on hinge the stories are written and read by temby dinton hurst nicola dynan curtis garner raven smith and rufy thorpe i hunter harris wrote and read the forward the audiobook's out now give it a listen welcome back ladies and gentlemen today we're going through the reddit thread today i fucked up okay some people do some things that they're like i should have probably not done that and we're gonna judge them let's go made things weird with my doctor again i'll start off like on your side and be like going to the doctor is pretty awkward at times depending on what you're going for i mean i'm a guy so there's been times i went to the doctor and he's held my balls and asked me to cough when is that appropriate in any other setting okay that's not gonna happen at the supermarket you know what i mean i got very nervous at the doctor's office so i tend to make jokes to get me through it this time i was getting the hernia test where he checks my balls oh see he pulled my pants to check whoa hold on you're supposed to pull your pants he shouldn't pull your pants he's like yeah i gotta check your balls i'd be like whoa doc i can do it i'm a big boy pulled my pants to check and i said you may need to put glasses on for this it's cold in here he didn't laugh what the hell dude i mean that's a great joke that's a great joke i mean he should have laughed a hundred percent as i was checking out the receptionist pulled me to the side and asked that for my next checkup i book a different doctor at the practice i asked why and she said mine had become uncomfortable with the comments i pass about my genitals during body exams she pulled out a notepad and read to me that my on my previous visit when i got checked i said might as well check my colon while you're down there yeah okay listen i'm now i am a officially off your team i think one joke because the penis is fine if you're gonna make it a joke every every single time you go there like hey might as well dig in my ass while you're down like bro what are we doing like now you're getting too comfortable here this isn't your set we're at the doctor for christ's sake there's degrees on the wall and the time before that i said i think the doctor used his non-dominant hand when they circumcised me dude you're getting crazy in there you can't let these fly she told me these comments felt inappropriate and the doctor had been keeping track but that was my third strike yeah dude you're out the first one is your non-dominant hand circumcised joke and then you say check my asshole you might as well dude i tried to explain that i just get really nervous and say dumb things but i think it's time for me to find a doctor yeah dude you need to keep it shut you can let it rip like once if it's really uncomfortable and you've been there a few times but this isn't like this isn't the comedy store jesus got a tattoo i shouldn't have tail as old as time my dad passed away a few months ago he had quite a few tattoos but one of them that i remember dearly was this pinup style tattoo of a lady in a hawaiian skirt and a coconut bra on his calf there are at least 20 guys in the bleachers at yankee stadium with that exact tattoo about two weeks after he passed away i was walking around the city and came by a tattoo shop one thing led to another and i walked out of that shop with the same tattoo my dad had i love how you just said one thing led to another you made the conscious decision to go in there and get this don't make it seem like well i slipped and i hit the curb i fell in there and then i don't know what happened when i got home i showed my mom and my aunt my aunt started laughing and my mom looked shocked i was confused until my aunt said well now you've got your mom on you forever what fucking great now i have a tattoo of my mom on a bikini on me she always hated the tattoo because it was during a phase when she dyed her hair black instead of blonde and she made my dad swear to never tell anyone it was her i'm really at least it's on my rib cage what's worse than that your face dude like what is what is worse than the rib cage it's right on display so i can hide it for the time being i really don't want to show the world my mom in a bikini i mean dude how good is this tattoo artist that it is your mom you know what i mean why can't you just be like it's just not it's someone else it's not my mom it's just anybody it's just a weird tattoo to have from the jump to be fair but i would get it removed regardless of the mom thing i i would just get it removed i think that's a fair bet i would get it tits that's the title of this one most of us have a name for our spouse or significant other playing with siri one day i changed my wife's name on my phone to tits mcgee and never changed it back classic tits mcgee classic when you change the name of someone on your phone that name is associated with all the contact information for that person so every time i'd email my wife the name shown would be tits mcgee i thought i was the only one that saw that however every email every email i've ever sent that my wife was copied on the recipient's tits mcgee every fucking email including our daycare center i'd like to thank the wonderful team at chucky cheese event planning for pointing this information out to me in an extremely professional manner oh man tits mcgee i mean this is bad but it didn't happen to you technically she's tits mcgee you're not tits mcgee you know so if anything these people are like hey man who's this woman going by tits mcgee honestly if i'm this deep in may even turn it back on chucky cheese and be like how dare you i want to date with wars carty says rules rocker ass this is the love story of real hinge couple carty and rocker written and read by me nicola dynan listen to the free audiobook now you can make fun of my name it is a baltic name and it's you know i would just make something up you know and just be like my name is tights mcgee like so i would just change the i'm not tits mcgee all the kids used to make fun of me and i was bullied for it but my name is tights or something like that i don't know and then i changed it after the worst attempt at flirting ever i'm a female and recently started going to this new gym and finally built up the courage to talk to him i walked by and said your lats are majestic that's a crazy start that's a crazy start lady i don't know why the fuck i said that of all things as i continued walking i tripped over a medicine ball face planted on the floor and knocked the wind out of myself so bad i couldn't 20 seconds yeah that's a tough one your lats are majestic oh the ground a trainer and the cute guy with the majestic lats ran over and started doing actual cpr on me until i could finally speak again now i need to find a new gym whoa got a kiss though dude cpr feels like a crazy thing for getting the wind knocked out of you and i don't know about you but when i've gotten the wind knocked out of me i like i'm not silent i sound like like i sound like a that guy ran over he's like oh my god put her in my lap what if we kiss her to save her you might have dodged a bullet with that one because you might need to change your gyms anyway because if you fall down and and someone starts doing cp two people are doing cpr on you i'd be like all right what's going on here you guys are really jumping the gun all right before we move on with this video we do have some sponsors the first one being c geek okay c geek is where you're going to get all your tickets for if you're going to a concert or if you're going to a baseball game or whatever you're going to do this summer that requires fun and a ticket you're going to get on c geek okay so you could download that app or go on their website i've been using the 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came up to me and i was like oh my god i'm gonna get married to my I was drunk and made a joke that I I'd do it, but I married a backdoor prude. I don't know why I said it. I was trying to be funny, but I've never done and don't care to do backdoor play. Oh my God, my brother. You have awoken an anal beast. She went down to the garage and she pulled out Old Faith. I'm gonna fuck this dude's ass into oblivion. Later that night when I got into bed with my wife, she said, I'm going to give you a massage. She often starts out our sex this way. So I took off my clothes, which by the way, that's an amazing way to start. Every time she was just like, I'll give you a massage. I'd be like, this is great. So I took off my clothes and rolled onto my stomach to let her do her thing. A few minutes into it, I felt something get forcefully jammed into my asshole. And I screamed so loud, I woke one of our kids. I will say she's trying to do you a favor. You know, she's thinking that you're like, oh yeah, prude. How about this? 10 inches, bang. She didn't like try to loosen you. She was like, I'm going to work on your shoulders, but then I'm jamming it in the tiny hole. I rolled over and her finger had blood on it. All right, why am I reading? And she had giant nails and I guess cut the inside of my ass, but it hurt like hell and was bleeding. This is not okay. Even if you were to partake in the old backdoor play, I assume forcefully jamming is not something you would be doing at any point. You know, it's more of like warming up to and like, is that okay type of thing. Not a jam, giant nail blood session. She's got that demon in her, dude. Trans wasn't trans. My son had been hanging out with a girl named Kyle. I'm a progressive and a supportive person, especially when it comes to my family. I was 99.9% certain that Kyle was trans born a boy, but identifying as a girl. I thought she honestly looked like she had more manly features. Anyway, I went into my son's room after dinner one night and told him that I support him and think he's brave and that he doesn't have to feel awkward or anything when he's with Kyle around us. It's a nice thing to do, but I can only guess where this goes. He said, thanks, but seemed confused and asked why he would feel awkward. I told him because I know not everyone is accepting of trans women. And he freaked out and got mad at me. Kyle was born a woman and I fucked up. Yeah, I mean, listen, to be fair, the name, Kyle. Not one of the most unisex names in the world. You know what I mean? But there are like, I actually like names like that, like a girl for a girl. Like, I know it's like not actually a girl's name, but like Jack, because either her name's like Jacqueline or something or like Dylan, that's a man. That's a, you know? I mean, I know a Dylan, one of my friends, but Dylan is also a girl's name. You know, I like names like that. Kyle, though, feels like not one of them. You know, that feels like a like a dude every time. It says it's a gender neutral name. Really? Yeah. Kyle? So it says. You know what? This was contained. At least that you did that to your son and not Kyle, because that would be way more uncomfortable. At least this was contained right there. You have, you know, you're right. Your heart's in the right place and you want your son to be like, hey, man, I want you to be comfortable. It's all good. But he's like, dude, Kyle is a woman. This is not a this is not a trans woman. The progressive in her is probably destroyed at the moment. Grooming my wife. Oh, I'm assuming this is hair grooming. It's like, what are we reading? A crime? Today, I fucked up by being a wife groomer during pregnancy. See, like we need to work on the words right now. Crazy. Like, this is fucked. When we got married, my wife was six months pregnant. Not to be TMI, but I often used to shave my wife's legs and bits because she couldn't reach. Nothing sexual about it. Just purely functional. OK, what a nice guy. Bits, by the way. So around eight months into the pregnancy, my wife asked me to shave her bits. These people are obviously from like England. Shave a little fucking bits. Yeah, she asked me to shave her bits as it was the Amazon juggle down there. So because of her bump, she would stand over me, spread, and I would shave the areas. I used an electric razor. This is love. OK, this is a marriage that's going to last. We know that. All right. During one of these sessions, my wife sneezed and lightly peed on me. We both burst out laughing. I told myself off and kept going. Hilarious moment between lovers. You accidentally got a little piss on me while I was shaving your pubes. Tails all this time. But close your bits. They're pissing all over me. At this point, I had finished half of her bits. Just the right side. As I started again, my wife. Froze and gasped before I could move her water burst right onto my face. Whoa, we froze, screamed and panicked. I grabbed the baby bag and we raced to the hospital. A few hours later, our son was born all good and healthy. The gynecologist chuckled and said, nice grooming. It's like a before and after photo. Honestly, that's a great story, though. Like, you're going to remember that for the rest of your life. And eventually maybe your kids like, oh, tell me about my birth. And you're like, well, I could tell you bits and pieces of the story. There's a lot of bits. That's my dad joke for the video. It's the good joke bell. Yeah. Nipple diagnosis. I noticed my nipple had suddenly turned purple and black, which was very alarming to say the least. I Googled it and convinced myself it had to be cancer. So I take my mother with me to the doctor. We're all sitting in the office while the doctor examines my beat up looking nipple. Beat up looking nipple. He then says, this looks like a hickey. Has someone been sucking hard on this nipple? The doctor said that? There's got to be a doctor way to say that. Well, this doesn't look like cancer at all. Looks like you were in the backseat of a Jeep getting it sucked on. What do you think, mom? The truth is I had been getting my nipples sucked a lot. And I had to say yes to the doctor in front of my mom. At least it wasn't cancer. Yeah. I mean, we've all been there with stuff like that, you know? This is why I think usually the doctor's like, hey, mom, you need to step out a little bit. And then you kind of do that then, depending on how old you are. Oh, man, that ride home must have been brutal. Last one here we have, Bastard Child. Needs to take it, since we will all have the same results, and to resell extra kits to save money. Okay, this feels like secrets. Fast forward, our parents have been fighting upstairs for the past hour, and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad. Exactly! That's exactly what I thought. She was like, whoa, wait, I mean, what the fuck? Why? First of all, unsafe chemicals, don't you just spit in it? You're not putting chemicals in your body, am I crazy? Yeah, I think you just spit. I think you spit it, you send it off to the government, they clone you, and then the clone will eventually find out. They find you and kill you. I think that's how that works. I think that's what the thing is. There's not even chemicals involved. That sucks, man. That's very sad, and that your family's torn apart. But that is interesting. The mom, I mean, I respect her for trying to scramble here, I guess. I will say this, this is an insane gift. I do think it is unnecessary for everyone to have one. I do think it was a good, because now we know the truth, and Pop Pop deserves to know. But six. Like, if my sister was like, I got everyone ancestry, I'm like, I'm never doing this. Why am I doing this? What are we, Italian and Irish? Let's go home. I don't care about the percentages. If this happened to your family, would you want all your siblings to take it? Hell yeah. If it was like, yo, ma, yo, ma. Like, you know, like, I know what you're doing now, and they start fighting and shit. I bet you everyone's spitting the shit right now. We're all paying for it expedited. We got to know what's going down. But yeah, that's a tough one. Oof, oof, oof. Awkward Christmas. But thank you for watching all the way through to this video. We appreciate it. I hope you guys are enjoying. And don't forget to subscribe, and we'll see you next time. I just want to give you the space to process it, Michael said. Elena paused. I don't think I want to see anybody else. This is the love story of real hinge couple Elena and Michael, written and read by me, Raven Smith. Listen to the free audiobook now.