Today I Cringed Up | Reading Reddit Stories

- Hello, welcome to Smoshreads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane Topp and today our theme is cringe. Cringe and also people messing up. Messing up their entire day and their entire life. And I'm joined by two people who are extremely cringe, just kidding. Only one of them is cringe. (buzzer) - Down, down, down, down. - Wow. - All right, you both, you both did it. - I love Jake Paul's rapping. (laughing) - Tommy and Damian, thank you for joining me. - Hi, hello. - Thanks for having us, Shane. Big fan of the show. - Thanks, Damian. Tommy, clearly you did mess up one of these recent days 'cause look at this. (laughing) - Okay, so I slipped down the stairs outside of my apartment. - Okay. - And my neighbor was there to hear me go, "Whoah, and I have bags of shit." And so I threw them up in the air. It was like an ordeal. And then, of course, the ankle pop of it all I went, "Ho-oh!" (laughing) And then from inside his apartment he goes, "Whoa!" "You good?" So that was my recent cringe experience. (laughing) And then I just sat there like this. (laughing) Like, waiting for that, like, broken pain to show up. - Yeah, yeah, just brained it. - But he was like, "Do I have a proof in?" - That doesn't work. - Like immediately. (laughing) - Yeah, you're in shock. - Yeah, you're in shock. Do you want some Tylenol? - Yeah. - Yeah, for our audio listeners, Tommy is in a boot. - I'm in a little boot and also a little strap but my little toes are poking at and it's real cute. - Ding-ding. - You imagine a paramedic showing up and being like, "Oh my God, this is so cringe, dude." (laughing) - I go, "Oh, I gotta give this to this." - Oh, embarrassing. - Wow, a heart attack at your age, fuck. (laughing) - Wait, wait, I got a picture of this. (laughing) - Yeah, guys, I know. I know, I see it. He's right here. - He's live streaming. What's up, Snapchat? Oh man. - I don't know the stairs boy on TikTok. - Oh God. - Oh guys, I'm using the stairs, whoa, audio. - And I get trapped into the algorithm, so I have to constantly throw myself down the stairs to be successful. - Yup, that's true. - Oh, I know that. (laughing) All right, well, should we hop into some T-food show? - Shane, I can't hop, please be kind to me. - You get off with one leg. - Yeah. (laughing) - I can't. - That was my problem when I broke my ankle. I got so good at hopping around on my left foot and my left leg. - Wow. - That when I went to physical therapy after they're like, "We have to train your right leg "to match your left leg." - Wow. - Your left leg is like so fucking strong and cool. - They just taught you how to hop again. (laughing) - I just was like, I need to hop around on my right leg now for a few days. - I thought this was what you did. - Yeah. - Oh shit, we trained you wrong. - Yeah. - It's so cringe. - I know, it is pretty cringey, but I love it. Anyways. (laughing) I accidentally glanced at the title of this first story before we started rolling in it, maybe a little. - It's a glance pass over here. - That was awesome. (laughing) - That was awesome. More of a glance, I'm more of a glance arm strong, but yeah. - Dude, sick, dude. - Yeah, thanks, thanks. - All right, okay. This is from a today I fucked up, posted a couple years ago. Today I fucked up by walking in on my parents passionately fucking. - Oh. - Good for them. (laughing) - Good for them. - Well, lots, you know, at least they're still passionate with these. - Something about the passionately makes me laugh so hard. - Oh, Diane, it's just, you know, Ken. (laughing) - There is, you know, there is someone godly noises there. - Oh, okay. - Title says it mostly. I accidentally walked in on my dad going down on my mom. This just happened like 15 minutes ago. I was playing Fallout 4, cringe. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Kidding. - You just shot Emily with that. (laughing) - I really like Fallout 4. I did see a TikTok yesterday where someone was like, I've had jobs more entertaining than Fallout 4. (laughing) - Oh, god. - I was like, Jesus. - I enjoy it. - I didn't play the other ones first. I started with that and then went back to the other ones. So like, I did nothing compared to I liked it. - I enjoy it. - Yeah. - All right, anyways, moving back. (laughing) So this guy was playing Fallout 4 for several hours and I had no clue where my parents were. Keep in mind that I also have a hearing deficit and I was not wearing my hearing aids at the time. On top of that, it is currently very late where I live so I figured my parents were in better something. - Wow. - After playing Fallout 4 for several hours, I go into the hallway and I see a small amount of light coming from the game room. I thought that maybe someone left the TV on and I went to turn it off. I opened the door and low and behold. My father's head is in between my mom's legs like six feet away from me. I just shut the door and ran downstairs and outside. I became a little concerned about what would happen next. My father came outside and I asked, "How are you?" And he said, "Fine, but next time knock." I explained that not only had I been unaware of where they were but it was also late and I thought maybe they were in bed. I also mentioned that I was not wearing my hearing aids and could not hear behind the door very well. I also added on top of all of that, I saw a light coming from the game room and thought maybe someone left the TV on and intended to turn it off. I also apologized and said that I just made an honest mistake. My father said everything was fine and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. He just said that Fridays and Saturdays are the only two days that he has time to spend with my mom so I should be more vigilant about opening a door on those days. - Dad's got a dope schedule. (laughing) - Oh my God. - There's something so crazy but like, sorry, like Fridays and Saturdays, we're going in. - We're going in. (laughing) - That part fucks me up, like being like, "Hey, it happens, like no worries." But to like plant the seed of like, and by the way, any time you don't see us on a Friday or Saturday. - You know what's happened. - Look, we're entering the vault. (laughing) - This is it, turn, turn, turn. (laughing) - So they were in a common space, right? - The game room. - They're in the game room, yeah, that's fucked up to me. - Yeah. - Like, if they're in their bedroom, I'm like, yeah. - Sure. - But if you're in the space with other people and you're gonna go to a room that isn't typically for-- - Yeah. - Then-- - I also-- - Yeah, and you didn't shut the door fully. He said the door-- - That was like a big light, so maybe it was like, maybe it was under the door. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, that's what happens every time she opens. - Like, it feels like lock the door. - But maybe that's a room that doesn't, the door doesn't lock. - No, you would have to lock a game room for Juman. - Like, were they on a pool table or what's going on? - Yeah. - Boozball? - Describe it, he's going, aye. (laughing) - No, they're also playing follow up for in the game room. He's like, I'm gonna join the brotherhood of steel. Like, you turn out the minute-- - Man, I'm not, I'm not a minute man. (laughing) - It's, oh. - That's, I feel like parents are usually more, um, like, secretive and shameful about that. - Yeah. - We gotta lock it up and make sure the kids aren't here. I'm assuming this is an adult kid of the parents. - Yeah, I mean, he's got, like, yeah, somewhere over the age of 15 is what I'm picturing. - Well, so potentially still like a kid. - But could be a teenager, could be in his early 20s. I don't know, but like-- - 'Cause I think it's-- - Old enough that the dad was like, hey, can you knock next time? - 'Cause that's the thing, 'cause I feel like if it was still like a teenager, it'd be like, oh, you have a kid at home, whereas if it's like, yeah, I'm 24 and I live with my parents, which is fine. It's more like a roommate situation in which case, it's just like, hey, bud, knock. Like, hey, bud, put a sock on the door. - Right. - You and mom are doing grown-up rastlin. - Aw, like, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, brutal. - I'd walked in on my parents before. It was a huge bummer, yeah. - Well, I didn't know-- - It's just so brave of you to just stay right now. - I don't think I was old enough to know exactly what was up until I sorta, like, looked back. I was like, oh, but it was just this moment where I'm like, yeah, I think mom and dad are taking a nap. I need to get something from, like, their room. And I open up the door and I just see, like, a flailing of covers and then it's like, knock first. And I'm like, wow, okay. (laughing) - Great, well, that's it. I guess I'll go away now. - And you were like, I'm five. (laughing) - No, I think I was like a 20-young 20-year-old. - That's like 28. - 25. - 25, yeah. No, I was, I was like, I don't know, 12, I don't know. - Yeah, sure. - I was very lucky I'd never, never occurred. - That's awesome, never occurred. - I don't even think that was happening in my home. - It was like, well, you came from somewhere, but-- - I was straight free from that. (laughing) - I don't know, you came from somewhere. (laughing) - No, I didn't. (laughing) - I'm in your imagination. - Oh, nice. - Oh, oh, damn it. - You showed up one day, and they're like, I guess, I guess walking into my parents had a bigger effect than I thought. I imagine Tommy. - Yeah, if they stopped wrestling the sheets, I popped out. - Oh my God. Some comments here, someone said, "Dad is the real gamer here," he fucked O.P.s. Bob. (laughing) - I think that's the best comment I've ever heard. - That's, damn. - I think that's the best comment I've ever heard. - That guy finished typing, and he had to, like, cool his keyboard down. (laughing) - Someone said, this is the best possible scenario. All of you handled it in the most mature and rational way possible. No harm, no foul, shit happens. Every time I read a post where people cry and moan about being traumatized of feeling nauseated after such an event, I just shake my head. O.P. said, "Thank you for the reassurance, internet stranger. Oddly enough, I don't really feel grossed out, scarred, or anything like that. I just feel awkward. I think the reason why I feel that way is because my parents never made sex an off-limit subject, unlike other households. My parents, I don't care. Parents are not Puritans, I'll say that much. -Well, clearly. -Yeah, yeah, we get the idea. Lastly-- -I think his mom's a quaker. -Nice. Took me a second, I got-- -He blew up on that. -I got smart joke. -I got the double-lump laundry there. Thanks. Lastly, someone put in quotations. Gee, Wiz Dad, hang a sock already, would ya? [ Laughter ] -Did you just comment about just a moment ago? Did you just get off the theater? -Yeah, I did, sorry. I know we're not supposed to have phones on set, but-- -Do you think in the moment of shock when he opened the door, he went into vats? [ Laughter ] -Damn! [ Laughter ] -Mom's a ganch, you're 90 percent. [ Laughter ] -Oh, God. -Oh, man. I think the most awkward conversation I had with my parents was coming out, so. [ Laughter ] -I mean, it wasn't like-- -Sorry, that was the last month's Reddit thing, so. -Oh, I want some on that episode, so I'm making up for the last time. -I'm making up for the last time. -Okay, Tommy, how was that? [ Laughter ] -I don't know, that was hard for you. -Yeah. -Okay. -All right. -These people. -I feel like everything you've described of your parents, they're just very nonchalant, kind of stressed, but nonchalant where it's just like they're not gonna-- you're gonna tell them the most insane thing, and then they're just like, "Okay." -All right. [ Laughter ] -Exactly that. Yeah, they're in their chairs. -It's great. -I did. -Just did a recliner. -Not literally? -Your parents. -Every time you describe them, they're permanently in recliners. -Lazy boys. -Like, yeah. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. -They're cupping. -They're cupping. -They're cupping. They're like, "I can't wait for this shit." I put them on the freezer recently, because they got bored with Big Bang Theory. They've watched the whole show through multiple times, and I want you guys simply half to change what you're watching. -Oh, my God. -Just to diversify your day-to-day. -They keep texting us about giles. They love giles. [ Laughter ] -That one was for just me. -Oh, my God. -This episode of Red Stories is sponsored by Quince. As a person in society, we've got to wear clothes, but it can't just be any clothes. You want to look good and feel confident in what you wear, which is why I use Quince. Quince is all about fewer pieces at better prices, made with premium materials designed to be your essential pieces that you reach for every day. Unless I join some cloveless colony, I'm gonna need quality clothes to wear when I leave my house. I've scrapped my worn-out basics for Quince's premium denim-tailored chinos that have the perfect fit, structure, and high-quality fabrics you'd expect from a designer brand. If you've got to wear pants, it's gonna be these. Plus, Quince is my go-to for bedding and bath essentials. Premium cookware and travel must-haves. Quince has me covered literally. I recently got some Henley tees from Quince and they fit me absolutely perfectly and they are so comfortable. Love 'em. Upgrade your everyday, download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com/pittreddit. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/pittreddit. Back to the show. I respect the O.P. for like being mature about it. It's the same thing where it's like, yeah, people do that. That's great. You can be mature about it. It doesn't have to be crazy and weird and uncomfortable. But it is, you know, as a topic, probably nobody's favorite. Yeah. Fair. Want them to be in the bedroom. Yeah, it's like, hey man. That's all I ask. Now when he goes to the game room, it's like, all right. Yeah, it's gonna cover up that spot on the sofa there. Yeah, I'm just like-- And I'm gonna sit on the ground. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. I don't mean like literal spy. God, I just mean like the location. I wouldn't sit there and like, not remember. That's like-- Oh, yeah, this is-- Right. Okay, I apologize. That was my fault. No, I'm taking it to stain territory. That's okay. That's okay. Let's move on to our second story. This also comes from today. I fucked up. Today I fucked up by taking my significant other to bedbath and beyond after anesthesia. I am-- Helly. Obsessed with that. Let's go. They were there in the beyond. She's the beyond, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they're the beyond. Yeah. She found the remote from click. Honey, that soap is not for eating. Not for eating. No, no, no. Okay. This is a story we always tell at dinner parties. I feel like I owe him that. So I figure I might as well share it here. So this was around the time the good place was airing. My partner had abdominal surgery. I've personally never experienced anesthesia first or second hand and was nervous enough about my significant other going under. After discharge, the nurse told me amongst a million other things to take him straight home. However, my partner sounded super lucid and went on about wanting to get bathroom organizing stuff at bedbath now that he's done with the surgery. It made enough sense that I agreed. I left him in the organizer section while I was looking for an associate to help with a high up item. Maybe five to ten minutes later, several employees were jogging to that section and I get there and my partner was basically loudly yelling at people in a completely out of character way. Like I've never seen him yell or be violent, but he was trying to yank off one of the employees' hair. Later on, he tells me that his first memory after the OR was waking up in bedbath and beyond. And he thought this was hell and the store employees were devils, just like the good place. He has zero memory of him convincing me he's fine and wants to go to bedbath or what happened with the employees. For what it's worth, we are still together and now both laugh at this story, but at the time it caused quite a bit of drama. Both because he felt I dropped the ball and most people think I'm horribly irresponsible. I also felt sort of uneasy for a bit processing if my partner might hurt me in a lucid dream, but luckily he's been his sweet usual self. Next time he has surgery, he's getting locked in his room for a week. Edit, thankfully nobody got in trouble and the employee wasn't hurt. I had his discharge packet in my pocket and mall security and the employee were sympathetic to me profusely apologizing. Edit number two, just to answer some common replies and mass. It was a small hernia repair and I saw maybe a one inch tiny incision. I had been worried sick leading up to it and everyone told me this is a super minor procedure which admittedly let my guard down too much. The nurse gave a bunch of discharge instructions mostly about wound care and medication. The one sentence about going home didn't really register in my mind until later. Wanting to redecorate/reorganize was very on brand for him so knowing nothing else it wasn't a red flag. I was mindful not to let him lift anything but the fact that he was still drug impaired didn't cross my mind at the time. I'm not trying to make excuses but it was genuinely a mind-fuck to my young self that my SO talking to me lucidly about something he wanted to do is something I should ignore. Of course now I know what anesthesia is and what I did wrong. That was like that was a little less fun than she teed it up to me and they teed it up to me. It's like I'm glad they're all good now but it's like oh my god. We tell this all the time so he assaulted an employee in sort of a drugged out stupor. I'm nearly killed a lady who was very funny. He thought he was the devil. So for a brief moment he was in hell. He believed he was in hell. Granted if I was sitting on this couch with you guys and then I blinked and I was in a bad bath and beyond. I'm in hell. That's fair. I'm in hell for sure. Yeah yeah yeah. You know I think truly the worst part of this is they called it bed bath like five times. That actually felt like a knife each time. I was hard to read. I kept getting tripped out of bed. How often do you go that you're like we don't have time to finish this sentence. Yeah. You guys want to go to Barneson? You're like insane. You want to go to Crate? Peer? Peer? Like yeah look I get it if they you know had never experienced anesthesia before but I feel like you know it's some everyone has blind spots but I'm like growing up it was like you knew like when you get anesthesia it's like yeah they are in a crazy state even if they seem normal you got to go straight home. Yeah. So I feel like everyone at this point in life has seen like the after you know like after getting your wisdom. Yeah where they're like you know being like no in a car because they're so drugged up. I'm like they really missed that info. They really missed that video. Yeah. Cause like a two billion people watch Charlie bit my finger. They had to have watched it. Or David after dentist. David after dentist. Yeah. No, yeah Charlie. David my finger's different. That's children. That's just children. Yeah adults don't get fucked up by this stuff. I will say in their defense there's like after a surgery if someone was like yeah actually feel great like let's go home and we stop and get some Burger King on the way. Like I might feel a little bit more like okay yeah we can stop and get Burger King. Yeah. Bed bath and beyond is a kind of crazy place to go but I don't know. I took care of a friend after their surgery like I say a couple of years ago and the doctor was very clear. Like we had a whole game plan of like I'm like I'm going to get her in my car. Like I have a playlist to help keep everything calm and relaxed and fun. And then we're going to get in the apartment and there's going to be specific things we have to do for a while. I'm going to take care of you for a few hours. Your roommate's going to take over. Like but it was very specific. So I'm a little surprised that this kind of didn't have the same thing. She did keep giving me gifts. Which is nice. She's like I got you this watch and it was like a little game boy watching. Like that's so cute. She's like I have the same I got for me so we can match. I'm like that's adorable. She's like actually you should have both. I want you to have both. And I'm like okay for sure. Yeah I'm like. - Yeah. - Take my bed. (laughing) - I'm not a nice pillow. - I took care of someone after just for like a day after they had a surgery and they seemed completely normal. - Yeah. - And then it was like hours later that they're like, "I'm just now waking up." - Oh, she is. - And it's like, "Oh, like you weren't here with us." - Here with us, even though you seem completely normal. - Anacesia does creep me out. Like it's a creepy thing that it's like, "Yeah, you can just completely not remember." Like, 'cause you're not asleep, you're just gone. (laughing) And then you come back, but then you're not back. - Yeah. - And then you come back. - Yeah. - It's like, "I love being reminded that we're electrical signals and wet bags." - Yeah. - You know, it's like, "Oh, thanks for that reminder, Anacesia. Very cool." - Yeah. - Very cool. - It's trippy. I've not had like serious Anacesia in a long time. - Same. - Just a little bit. - Thanks a lot. - But, yeah. - I'm relatively resistant to it. They say it's that way for like a lot of redheads. So I guess maybe I have that gene. I don't know, 'cause I don't have-- - I mean, you need more Anacesia, right? - I need more Anacesia. Yeah, so like-- - So interesting. I just was listening to a podcast last night about this. - Really? - Yeah. Synchronicity, electricity, wet bags. (laughing) Continue. - Well, it's basically like, when I got my wisdom teeth out, they were like, you know, count backwards from whatever. And I like, did pretty well. And they were like, oh, and I even remember like, when my vision started to go and I'd see like, visions that the Anacesia was making me have, I was like talking about it. I'm just like, oh yeah, I'm still awake, but I do see like planets and all that good shit. And they're like, oh, but I think when I wake up from the few surgeries I've had, I've been pretty like, yep, I'm awake. Like I remember waking up and feeling sick and be like, hey, can I get some apple juice? And so maybe that's-- - When I had my wisdom teeth pulled, I remembered waking up like, they got me though, I was pissed. 'Cause I kind of wanted to see how long I could last. - Yeah. - And I was ready for them to do the count down from 10 or something like that. But instead they hit me with the most boring conversation possible. - Oh, no. - Where he's talking, and he's like, he's clearly done this a million times. And this was out in LA and I'm like, I'm like 16 or 17. And he's talking and I'm getting ready for like, like, okay, they're gonna hit me with that count down from 10 and I'm like, I'm gonna be focused. And he's like, so you're into acting and stuff. He's like, so do you have like an agent or anything? And I was like, oh yeah, I mean, I have it. And I was like, oh, you didn't need him. - Yeah. - Oh, fuck. - Look at that. - And I didn't really just woke up and I was like, fuck. - Comments here, someone said, bed and bath was probably fine, but you really should have stayed away from the beyond. (clapping) - Yes! Yes! - You did it. - Yes. - We need that commenter from the first story to come back in. - Yeah, I want to. - I want Smoked with God. - Yeah, I just like, oh. (laughing) - Opie said, honestly, for me, shopping for bathroom, organizing hardware basically is eternal suffering. However, misguided, I genuinely was trying to be a good boyfriend. Someone said, once after a procedure, I convinced my driver I was fine, made her take me on a shopping spree and then gave a bunch of my unopened mail to my dog who loved to tear up paper. She told me I was showing off his trick. Woke up to a bunch of shit. I didn't remember buying an shredded mail everywhere. Good times. - That's actually awesome, 'cause you don't have to pay those if you-- - If you rip 'em up by dog. - Yeah, you show the IRS that they're ripped up. - Oh, what? - Lastly, someone said, my wife drove by a spirit Halloween and I was very upset she wouldn't let me go in and that's all I remember for most of the day. - Dude, if I imagine waking up in literal hell for a rip, you're like, ah! - Honestly, if I blinked and woke up in a spirit Halloween, I would be confused, but I'd be kind of stoked. - Yeah? - I'd be like, wow, this is pricier than I want to spend, but Halloween! (laughing) - Oh, it's not really my story to tell, but my friend loves to tell the story for some reason. He woke up from anesthesia and was so dry in the mouth and he asked for water and they wouldn't give it to him. And so his mom was there, I guess, 'cause you know, some about the surgery or whatever. And so he looked over to his mom and went, spit in my mouth. - And my friend Cody whips this story out all the time. (laughing) - That's crazy. I mean, you have to own it. - You can't let that just be something that hangs in the back of your head. You have to be like, I'm putting it out there so I can all deal with this. - Oh my God. - Jeez, I'm craps. - This episode of Red Stories is sponsored by Hungry Root. During the summer months, I found that my eating habits change. Beach days with my friends can make my eating routine fall off the tracks. I use Hungry Root because it keeps me on track with my goals of taking care of myself. So after a full day of eating hot dogs and hamburgers, I can come home to ready to eat salads and grain bowls. I love that Hungry Root offers recipes so I can order exactly what I need to make meals that are high protein, anti-inflammatory, or just a quick bite. With over 1,000 grocery items, I never get bored. Plus, Hungry Root screens out over 200 additives like high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and preservatives. I remember when I ordered my first box. I was amazed at how many options came in it. There was so much stuff and it was all so good. I've been a huge fan ever since. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as I do. For a limited time, get 40% off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com/PitReddit and use CodePitReddit. That's HungryRoot.com/PitReddit. CodePitReddit to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. And now, back to the show. Our next story is also a fuck up. Oh, there we go. Today, I fucked up by not realizing I've been positioning my stuffed animal wrong for 23 years. Oh, that's-- Lean in and it's forward, open in the butt. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's such a-- Such a position. Fuck up. OK. Teddy Rucksman's supposed to have a tape and it's telling you not to CD. Yeah. Idiot. I've had a stuffed animal collection since I was born. One of the oldest additions was a black animal that for the longest time, I didn't know what it was supposed to be. It sits on my top shelf with all my other plushies. This stuffed animal had a peanut-shaped body with a slightly flat head, stubby black legs, long red ears, that I briefly thought were extra arms, sonic-like eyes with the mouth right beneath them, a red dot on its forehead, a press me button on its belly that sang a song if you pressed it. And what perplexed me the most for my whole life, a little red stub in its crotch area that I thought was its weiner. OK, the little red dot is going to be its mouth. So it's upside down here. OK. So it's got things coming out of its-- I think that what if I was the legs is going to be ears, because they're like, oh, the mouth is like right below it. It's like, no, it's going to be sonic eyes and the little dot is going to be-- instead of the beep, it's going to be-- But what about the stubby legs that come out of the bottom? Sir, your jowls. Got it. I always sat it up on its hind legs so it looks like all my other stuffed animals facing forward. Yet I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was supposed to be until last night. Felix the cat. I was facetiming a friend and I picked up the little black stuffy to show him. And while doing so, I was going over it again when I suddenly realized I was positioning it wrong this whole time. I laid the stuffed animal flat and looked at it correctly for the first time in 23 years. The belly side with the press me button was actually its backside. And the weiner was its tail. The mouth below the eyes was just some eyelids. And the red dot on its forehead was its nose. Oh, fuck. It was a dog this whole time. I finally learned after going my whole life not knowing what this animal actually is. And I feel so dumb for not realizing it sooner. My friend and I laughed about it for a good second. And my parents teased me a bit for not realizing what they already knew. My dumb ass went 23 years thinking I had some weird furry bug slash alien creature as a stuffed animal only to realize now that it was just a dog. It's so innocuous, but I had to get it off my chest because I feel like a happy little idiot for only knowing this just now. Edit, this is what he looks like. Okay, so it's definitely a weird looking. Yeah, that's, okay. Let me get a look at this. So this is a top down view, I guess. Yeah, the little white spot on the back is definitely throws it off a little bit. Yeah, I think the issue is they've put like a little tuft of red above the eyeballs, which could be like an eyebrow or something, but it just doesn't really make sense that little bit. I mean, to be fair, I think I would know pretty quickly that's a dog, but at the same time, like I do see what they're doing. Well, you know, a classic dog with red ears and red tail, red nose and one weird red eyebrow. There's a fucking massive red one I'm gonna tell you about and then you're gonna feel really silly. Wait, does a little girl own him? Can you really own a massive red dog? There you go. Yeah, nice. I'm like, for some reason I was imagining like the dad calling the mom being like, he figured it out. It took 23 years. I thought it was bad walking in on your parents going to town on each other. This is Chris. This is Chris. This is so bad. This is a big fucker. What is wrong with you? How could you do this? I bet your friend hung up that FaceTiming told everyone. I think the press me being on its back is confusing. Well, it's a white circle, it's like it's back. Which doesn't really belong. Anyway, that could be a belly button. That's it. 'Cause mine's on my butt. Right. Yeah, mine's in my butt. I don't think it happened like this recently. Not recently. God, why not say it recently. I was like 10 years old. Right. I mean, you know what time is relative. Yeah, you know what time now? It's party time. Let's talk about it. Really? I went over to a friend's house when I was a kid and his family had moved from, I think, Kentucky, but somewhere they had like a local soda. And it was spelled A-L-E-8-1. And it was ginger ale. And so they're like, yeah, it's like, let's get him an A-L-A-D-1. Like an A-L-A-D-1, yeah, let's get him one. And it's the best thing you're going to love it. And I look at it and I was like, oh wait, this has caffeine. Oh, it's ginger ale with caffeine. It's called A-L-A-1. It's going to be a late one because you're drinking caffeine with ginger ale. It's a late one. Not A-L-A-D-1. And they were like, oh, and the whole family was just like, what the fuck? And so, yeah. Wow, I would never put that together. Well, you didn't know that was a dog, then I guess. Yeah, I guess not. But I think we all could have those moments of like, I didn't know Lord Farquad was supposed to be a joke about fuck-a-god. Oh, yeah. And I was just like, oh, you know. No, there's lots of things that don't hit me until way later. Yeah. Sometimes it's a dog. That's, it's a lot of, because I like learned so many words from reading, like, learning how to pronounce most words. Oh, no. What? I don't know why. Well, I learned a lot of words from reading. You know, I was like, that's, you know, not of time that I'm reading shit. And all the comments are like, the fuck is wrong with Shane? Oh, here I said that I'm just kidding. They're, they're not, I mean, but, but like, yeah, I say, I say things how they look. And then I'm like, oh, I'm learning that now. Is there a good way to call someone out on that? Because it's, I don't know, I never, like, we've all learned words by reading and haven't pronounced it properly before. But whenever I'm like, oh, it's actually pronounced this, like, I never know. I think I'm about to sound like an asshole. And maybe I do. But, no. I don't know. You're fine. I called Hermione Hermi one. I did Hermione. Hermione Hermi one. Hermione Hermi two. Come in. Hermi once. Hermione Hermi twice. You get splinched. What was the word that Ariana Grande is? She like did a really good impersonation. She's like, Ron's been splenched. I don't know. Some comments here. Someone said, you thought I was just hanging dong this whole time. Oh, he said, I shit you not. I went my whole childhood thinking it was hanging dong and never questioning it. I wish I was kidding. Someone said, I can-- What's hanging dog? That's awesome, dude. Thank you. Come in this. Can I throw him? Granted, it is red and it is a dog. That's true. Yeah. So, rocket. Rocket lounge shirt. Someone said, I can see how this mistake was made. It was weird, but plausible. Someone replied saying, it's the red part above the eyes, resembling a nose. And once that impression got into OP's head, it never left. So every other oddity was just hand-waved away. Sure. Someone said, I can empathize. I used to think the old USPS Eagle symbol was some sort of sideways Nike swoosh/Cartoonie silhouette of a person wearing the US postal service hat on which it was printed. My dad worked for the post office, so I saw the symbol every single day growing up. It was not until I was in my 20s that I saw the Eagles had sticking out of the side. Wow. Yeah. Well, it's like the D in Disney being like a backwards G. I still see it as a backwards G forever. - Yeah, sometimes when you see something, you can't unsee it. - The big like do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do The big like, it does look like a D, it looks like a weird thing. - It's just a big ol' Disney after it, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Disney. - Disney, Disney Channel! - Non-suable, Disney Channel. - This, I don't know what, this is not really that related, but it reminds me of for ever ago, I was at an airport, this is forever ago, because they used to have TCB-wise in airports, which was the frozen yogurt place. And I was in line once, it's truly just like the menchies of that time, right? - Got it. - And you were to put it down. - Yeah, because they're not around anymore. But I'm in line and you see them everywhere, but nobody knows what TCB-wise stands for. - To make high bucked up, yeah. - But I'm like 12 and I'm in line and there's a guy in front of me and he's already ordering and he kind of goes like, what does TCB-wise stand for? And I shit you not, the employee just goes, I don't know. And then someone else goes, it's the county's best yogurt. And genuinely everyone would, even me 12 was like, we're all like, really, like, now it's not a business. - Yeah, you need to go. - That's better than that. - I'm so glad I know that though. - Well, it's gone. - Thank you for that. - If you find out, watch someone comment and be like, that's actually incorrect. - The country's best yogurt. - So watch Emily comment and you fuck that up. - It's still the country's best yogurt. It was still kind of like, okay, like. - But if you go to Ethiopia and all bets are off, they got a way better than you. - A way better than you. - But this is the best you're going to get here. - The country's best yogurt is the new name. - Oh. - This can't be yogurt. - Oh. - What? - It really started off as this can't be yogurt. And then it turned into the country's best yogurt. - So they did an IHOP international house of burgers thing, like. - Right. - But they didn't change the letters. - So it changed the real. - It was always TCVY, but they changed the meaning of it. - Why was the '90s like, incredulous when it came to food. So like, everything was just like, I didn't know this is fucking butter. - Yeah. - And like, this is instant coffee. This is dejorno. Like, just own the food you make. - I know. - It's yogurt and it's good. - There's no way. - This can't be. - This actually can't be. - The lies have to stop, Diane. - Where in 1984, the company's name was this can't be yogurt. But a lawsuit from a competitor. I can't believe it's yogurt. - Forced to use yogurt. - It's not even I can't believe it's not butter. It's just a different incredulous yogurt brand. - I love this shit. I love the yogurt wars of the '90s. - By the way, for me, hot take, frozen yogurt. That's ice cream. I don't give a fuck. - I like the same experience. - It's frozen yogurt. It's different. I'm like, that's the same experience. It goes in my mouth and I like it. - It's the same. - Hey. - You would love the first story on the first stab. - Oh, he's dead. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'd be like, same as that. - Yeah. - I can't believe this is your mom. - T.C. - It's like, oh man. - Wow. That's wild. - Okay. - What were we talking about, even? - Oh, yeah, I forget. - Some stupid dog toy. - Some kind of frozen yogurt. - Yeah, I like frozen yogurt. It's good. Next topic. - Next topic. Next story, go. - Our next story. Our next story comes from today. I fucked up. Today, I fucked up by not knowing what a durian fruit is and nearly getting my work evacuated. - Oh, oh, oh. - Oh, oh. - So, I work at a library and one of the programs, I'm like, no. - Sorry. - Notauriously, probably not supposed to eat there already. - 'Cause there's like no other senses happening. - Yeah. - There's no sound, you know? - Oh my god. - It's not like he's like, oh, I work at a sperm bank. It's like, you're fine. (laughing) - Jesus Christ! (laughing) What is? There's a lot going back in there. Either you need to go to a doctor or you don't know what a durian smells like. (laughing) - What is the one that I think of? There is a fruit that smells like-- - It's the, it's the Bartlett pear trees. The Bartlett pear smells like-- - There's some, yeah. I thought there was one. We had the big gigantic fruit ones on a show. - No, it smells like sperm a little bit and then you eat it and it smells like if gasoline was custard. - Oh. - That's my taste. - I still haven't had durian and I really want to try it. Sorry, I didn't know it smelled like sperm a little bit. - Continue. (laughing) - We've had a lot of fucked up fruits here at Smosh and so I don't know which one I'm thinking of but it was a big spiky one, I believe. - Yeah. - That's the durian, okay. - Okay, and there you go. - But that was also what I sense. - Totally fine. I apologize, I did not know that that was normal. - I also was, I think I've seen that if it tastes like gasoline, it's overripe. And so we didn't get a fresh one apparently. - Got it. - So I work at a library and one of the programs I run is my D&D program for kids. I have a really awesome group that comes in consistently and we are nearing the end of an almost two-year campaign. Sometimes my players will bring me snacks. Think Twinkies or fruit snacks and the like. One of my players hands me a silver package and tells me it's a durian fruit pastry. In response, I say, oh, thanks so much. What's a durian fruit? At that moment, I've already torn into the package and I'm hit with a wave of the most sulfuric, horrid smell. Think of rotten eggs and gas. It immediately fills the room. My player begins to tell me that it's a fruit with a really pungent smell and is a delicacy in Asian countries. This kid is like 10, by the way, loves fun facts. He's a great kid but I think he underestimated how bad this would smell. I politely thank him for the food but inform him that for the sake of not passing out in our meeting room that I'm going to put it in our break room. I take a moment to leave and proceed to place it in our freezer because I thought that the scent wouldn't carry if it was concealed. I'll start with the good news. The game went great. The scent persisted a bit in our meeting room but not for long. They survived an encounter with a horrible amalgamation of flesh and bone and are continuing up the tower toward the final boss. Now the bad news, the game ends and I'm saying goodbye to our kids when I see my coworker S carrying coats and jackets out of the break room. I ask her what's going on and she pulls me aside, outside of earshot of patrons and says, there's a heavy gas smell in the break room. We think a pipe has burst. As she says this, my heart plummets into my stomach because I can hear sirens. In utter horror, I turn and see a fire truck rounding the corner. out our windows. Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. S, no, hold on. I run in the back and there's already someone from our safety office holding a gas meter. Gas sensor? Something to look for gas. - Gas-someter. - Anyway, a gas-someter. Gas-dawn. Anyway, he is talking to my manager who is relatively new and looks like he's about to have a panic attack. I rush past him, whip open the fridge, pick up the pastry and say, "Is this what you're smelling?" As I hold the cracker-like pastry thing outstretched, they don't get half a sniff in before going, "What the hell is that?" I don't even reply because now my worst fear is confirmed, and instead I rush to the library, ask S to smell it one more time, just to be sure she does, and then looks at me like, "Are you serious, OP?" before doubling overlapping. I ran out the door and placed the double pastry in our outside trash can and came back inside where two firemen had already arrived. Full gear and everything. One of them had a freaking ax. I embarrassingly explained to them the situation, and thankfully we all have a bit of a laugh over it while I proceed to turn a shade of red that sunsets wish they could be. They actually made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. One of them even said that this isn't the first time they've had to be called out for a durian fruit. I guess this happens more than usual. So this is ridiculous? Yeah, that's so silly. In their defense, if I smelled what was clearly ghastly, and I don't think my first thought would be like, "Let's check for durians, let's just make sure." Sure, you're not going to think that. Yeah. I feel like you have to have a whole durian for this kind of smell to be. I know, like a pastry that you got some bread around there. Yeah, you think? And it's been cooked, you'd think that some of it would. Yeah, maybe I guess it gets worse. I think don't a lot of people, 'cause I really want to try it. Don't people often eat it with gloves? But I've never, I think it's the only case that I can think of of something that smells horrible but tastes good. Yeah, like that's kind of rare, right? Unless it's like good. For those senses are so connected that you'd think. I think like a really gnarly cheese can smell, just straight up awful, but be delicious. But I also think that like, at least in the US, for a lot of people were accustomed to that kind of combo. Yeah. Okay, this is going to be a little rank, but it's good. Yeah. Whereas, I think durian for folks in, for me, it would be just like a brand new experience here, but I still want to try it. Damn, I like that the one firefighter had an axe. Just like, you just had that ready. It's like, oh, a pipe burst. Like, well, I'm going to break it for you. Yeah. Shit, it's already burst. Can I hit it? Is there, is okay? What if he just hates books? Oh, shit. It's my opportunity to chop some of that up. Where are we going? It's-- Oh! That's the firemen in Fahrenheit, 451. Literally, it's what the firemen do in the, the hay books, it's like this. Comments, how was the pay street? Never got to try it. I was immediately hit with a wave of nausea and was going to eat later, but, well, the fire department came, LOL. Someone said, I used to work for a gelato company that made our ice cream in house. The trainer was telling us how one store got their whole strip mall section closed for a potential gas leak when they made durian gelato ones. Someone said, there's a reason why a lot of Asian countries have no durian signs in malls, airports, buses, train stations, et cetera, et cetera. Small update. Oh, oh, he said, hey, everyone. So it's been a second. I just want to let you guys know, over my birthday, my co-worker surprised me with a full durian fruit. I tried it, cutting it up outside, so my fiance didn't kill me, and it was pretty good. A warning, though, to those with acid reflux, your burps will smell like durian fruit for a while and may give you headaches like they did me, LOL. Oh, no. I highly recommend you go out and try something new today. Thanks. Hey, love that. Okay. That's great. Headaches? Yeah. What? It's like gas in your stomach. I really highly recommend this. It ruined me for a few days, and my head hurts. I'm sensitive to light now, but the durian is right. So good. Change me forever. I woke up in hell. Yeah. But I tried to rip their hair off. That is the thing, too. If you pull the devil's hair off, they have to go back to normal and they have to let you have it. They have to go back to normal. They have to put you in heaven now. Sorry. I got you off. Sorry, no. I love that. I'm glad they ended up trying it. Yeah. Because I don't want to, I don't want to, like, put down other cultures like this. Yeah. And, like, that poor kid brought it being so excited to, like, to, like, share it. Yeah. But he's the asshole. It's so funny how much stuff that we've tried here at Smosh over the past, like, years. The durian fruit doesn't, like, stand out in my mind as much. Like, I remember that smelling weird, but I'm like, that wasn't anything crazy. Because we've had sir strumming. And that sounds rough. For those of you who don't know, it is a fermented fish from, I think it's from, like, Finland or something or Iceland, like, it's, it's a delicacy somewhere. Yeah. And it's fermented forever. And we did a show forever ago where Noah had to have some, and we opened it up outside. And I helped them open it up, open up this can, and some of the juices got on my hand. And I genuinely washed my hands dozens of times that day. And it would not come off, and it smelled, like, I had gone to a public bathroom and just got my hands everywhere. Yeah, absolutely. We were sifting for goals, just like doing it all. And it was unbelievable. You know what? Now that you mention it, I ordered, this is going back to you, like, what's smelly but taste good. I ordered from a restaurant recently. It was a Chinese restaurant, and it was, I got fried rice, but it was under one of the specialties. It was fried rice with salty fish and egg. And I was like, that sounds great. Sounds good. I love salted fish. This is awesome. And I, like, took a few bites, and I'm like, this is absolutely astounding. It was absolutely delicious. And then I went in for another bite, and I got hit with what I assume would be, like, kind of a corpse smell. It was extremely pungent, and like, I'm very adventurous. I can appreciate most foods, even if it's not adventurous. But this smell, like, threw me against a damn wall. It was insane, and I looked down at it, and I'm like, it was a part of the fish. So I think salty fish, I don't know what was the intent, but I think it was something that was fermented and preserved, like, or strumming situations. And it was tasty, but it was like a whole, really had to brace myself for the rest of it. I always think it's really cool when something, like, is, like, my taste buds or my sense of smell finds it disgusting, but someone else thinks it's delicious. I think that's absolutely fascinating. Yeah. But, yeah. That's why we're eating or eating it coming back for 200 more episodes. Yeah, we're going to do it. That's right. We have new ideas. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Audible. I truly hate doing the dishes. It's probably the worst chore to ever exist. And when I cook a big meal, the cleanup feels like it will take forever. But now that I use Audible, I actually look forward to doing the dishes. It sounds crazy, but I mean it. I put on my favorite audio books and get fully immersed in the story. Before I know it, I blink, and I have a spotless kitchen, and I learned something new. Audible offers a variety of titles so I can jump between science fiction and fantasy to biographies and memoirs. Maybe you're looking for something that'll make you laugh like Reddit Stories. They have an entire comedy and humor section. Currently, I'm listening to the Butchers Masquerade, book five of the Dungeon Crawler Carls series. I was reading the books physically, but so many of my friends told me to listen to the audio books that I actually switched over and man, they are so entertaining. And I love Stephen Fry's Troy, because Stephen Fry narrates the book. I've actually listened to Mithos, Heroes, Troy, and I'll be listening to Odyssey Next. There's something special about Stephen Fry narrating his own work. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com/srrs. Audible. Stories that speak to you. Back to the show. Our next story. Today I fucked up by swallowing a brown recluse, being sent to the ER and almost dying. So that's a delicacy, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're supposed to do that in your sleep. Right. No, it's an average of like, you know, everybody eats it. So I have hundreds when I sleep, just balance it out for it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's that. Probably had none. Oh, yeah. You're probably right. O.P. writes, "This happened a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty much recovered now, but I guess I wanted to share as a warning in case anyone else ever experiences this." Yeah, don't drink a brown recluse. Yeah, don't eat spiders. So to make a long story very short, I keep watered by my bed in a glass in case I get thirsty at night. A brown recluse had fallen in right around the time I woke up and needed a drink. I swallowed the thing and of course immediately realized I had swallowed something and my only assumption was a spider. And I knew we had a few brown recluses in the house, so I automatically assumed that's what it was. I ended up being right in the worst way. Well, I know we got a couple of those around and, uh, yeah, I was going to get to them next week. You deal with that later. Yeah. Weird. I just got a few loaded guns pointed right at the second. Crazy that one went off. Now I knew from past anxiety googling that swallowing a dead spider is nothing to worry about. The venom is protein based and breaks down in the digestive tract. I had assumed that I had swallowed a dead one and just decided to try to go back to sleep after a mini panic attack and more frantic googling. I woke up maybe two hours later with horrible pain in my stomach, muscle aches and hard spasms, heat flashes, sweating and drooling profusely. I stumbled to find my partner. We sleep in separate rooms and was rushed to the ER. Their partner sleeps in the non-spider room. Kind of doing an experiment. Yeah. Yeah. One of them is a clean. The other one has a bunch of spiders. You see who sleeps better? So what happened? Well, the original assumption was that it bit me on my esophagus, but after lots of tests it turns out I had a stomach ulcer that I didn't know about. about. That's another long story. And the spider had very much been alive and the venom had found its way into my bloodstream through the open wound in my stomach. After a fuck ton of antibiotics and other drugs in a week-long hospital stay, I'm mostly back to normal and I'm feeling mostly okay. I still feel achy and have a lot of paranoia about my drinks now. I won't be drinking water in the middle of the night anymore. That's for sure. I just wanted to tell this story just in case anyone else has watered by their bed at night and to just go to the ER if you think you swallowed something. Just please be careful. Okay, yeah buddy. I'll make sure not to do that. He's like spider. He's like spider-man if his power was tummy aches. Yeah. I will say okay, what I do relate to him is that I have a water bottle next to my bed but I don't like having like an open container of water. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing's ever happened but I'm just like- I also have cats. Yeah. I just imagine like toughens walking by and just like just I don't want that. Yeah, fuck you. He does he does piggy dip ins in his fountain. I don't want him to do it tomorrow. Yeah. Right. I'm a bed thrasher. So the amount of cups I've knocked off by like chucking a pill. Like it's not like I'm like waking up and going. Yeah. But like I'll wake up and my pillows are all over the and then there's a cup of water like on a pillow. Only on the full moon though. Yeah only on the full moon. Very, very, very night. Yeah. I guess that's true but also when you have cats you don't have to worry about brown or clues is quite as much. So I feel like it'd be rare to be hard for them to get all the way to there because some people say like oh cats are like immune to some things but I'm like I don't know. I don't know about a brown or clues bite. I feel like it didn't make its venom just for people. Do we have those in SoCal? Yeah. Yeah. Shit. They're mostly in your closet. They're like dark spaces and attic. I don't think I've ever seen one. We got we got a few. We can just fly them in. Got bringing them. I've got a bunch of black widows around where I live and that's my only reason for like wanting them away is like protecting the cats. I have a app that I can when I see a weird bug I can I can identify it. Well I like to make sure and I have a lot of false widows. So those are all over the place. I know your husband's still alive somewhere. You lying. Dude what I have what I have on my patio is the biggest jumping spider I've ever seen in my life. Really? It is legitimately huge. Jumping spiders are cute. It's so cute. It's so big that I can like we can make eye contact and I can see that it's looking at me. Nice. It's huge. It crawls right in like it'll like turn like. It's up at you and you're like hey what's up. Love that thing. Comments. You screwed up. Everyone knows that you are supposed to first swallow a fly. It is fortunate however that you didn't swallow horse. That seems to have an undesirable outcome. I love clapping for a lame comment. It's poetry. It's a joke about palm. Bringing that comment to you. Glad you survived that ordeal. Have you considered a cup with a lid? This is strangely enough a lesson I learned from Fallout New Vegas. Here we go again. Really? Are we back? Ruby Nash commenting on her famous rad scorpion casserole. My specialty is a rad scorpion venom casserole. It's more appetizing than it sounds. The venom has a sharp smoky flavor and it numbs your mouth so fierce you'll forget you ever had a tongue. It's perfectly safe long as you don't have sores in your mouth or ulcers in your stomach for the venom to find your blood because that'll kill you dead. That's shockingly specific. Wow. Well Fallout New Vegas had killer writing. But I made my character named Mean Steve and I ruined all that good writing real quick. You just blasted through it. I almost watched my mom drink a spider once and I was so panicked about the fact that I didn't know to be like there's a spider in your drink. I was just like, "Who threw it at me?" Yeah, I took a while to get it. No, she didn't have drinking it but it was like a live little spider that I was just watching in a clear glass. It's just, you know, you don't expect it. I'm not someone who kills spiders if I can help. I don't kill spiders either. Yeah, so it's like, you know, like the other day I was on my computer saw something on the wall, three baby spiders, little siblings going, and I went, "I'll see you when you're grown." I'm like, "I hope I don't eat them. That's the only thing." Yeah. I probably have, honestly. Is he pooping him out would definitely kill him probably? Yeah, I probably by that point. They're probably like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably dead, yeah, probably. Yeah. I like putting him outside. There was a TikTok trend recently where people were like, "Guys, don't put him outside. They're dead. Like, you killed them all because they're only supposed to be inside if they're inside their house spiders." And it's like, "No." Sorry, they were born outside. Sorry, I figured that out. It was one of those things where someone stitched it. They're like, "Hi, spider scientists. That's not true. I guess some could die. You can put them outside." Yeah, they'll probably just come back in, but like, they'll figure it out. I always put them by a plant or something. Yeah. Oh, they love those. Yeah, okay. I heard they're a big fan of those. Yeah. Our final story. Today I fucked up by using a leaf blower on my kids. Oh, you can't do that. Maybe they had a little parachute on and it was fun. What if his kids was leaves, though? No, if his kids was leaves, his kids wasn't leaves, socks. I have twin three-year-old boys, and they're very active in silly. Well, the other day I was doing some yard work and using my leaf blower to clear away some grass and dirt. Naturally, they're infatuated, so I use the leaf blower on them, and they love it. Started chasing them around the neighborhood with the leaf blower pretending they were leaves. Good old wholesome father-son fun, right? Well, naturally now, they want me to use the leaf blower on them all the time. No biggie. It's a fun game, and I like playing with the electric leaf blower. Only now, it's everywhere, including places where I don't have my leaf blower. So instead, I have to pretend to blow them away like I'm blowing out of candle. Still fine. All day for the last three days, it's been dead. Can you blow me away? Very cute stuff. Well, this morning we're at Target, and the kids are getting a tad squirrely. They wanted to go to the park, and I said we can go after we finish up here. They're dancing around the aisles being toddlers. Then my son comes up to me in the main aisle, and in the biggest toddler yell-shouts, "Daddak, can you blow me?" Hell, yeah. Q5 people turning around to look at me in my kid. You'd think by now I'd be immune to toddler-based embarrassment, but nah. So me, in my quietest voice, face-feeling rather than a macintosh apple, respond, "Buddy, inside voice, do you mean you want me to blow you away?" Sun won. "Yes, blow me, blow me." Excited toddler jumping sun two. "Yeah, blow me too, daddak, me." Boys, inside voice is please. You mean blow you away, right? How do you ask for that? Suns, please may you blow us away. I blew them away, and they go dancing off like leaves. The others who are watching Snicker and Giggle. One of the other guys nearby gives me a knowing smirk that clearly said, "Been there. Proceed to finish the quickest target run off my life." That guy's in jail now. Yeah, he's brushing that off a little too fast. Some guy was just like, "While he's getting handcuffed." Jesus Christ. Those kids are going to grow up, and when they're 15, they're going to walk in on the dad. He's going to be like there with the mommy. He's like, "Oh, oh, whoa!" Oh, she's a balloon! Which don't do that, but this don't. This is an arrested development joke. Is it really Michael on the phone being like, "How's that new consultant going, buddy? It's great to hear. You got to say away, though." Yeah, whatever. He says it like a few times, he's just like, "Oh, that's awesome. We'll just remember you get to say away for that." Then later they're like, "How's that new consultant?" It's like, "Well, apparently she's blowing everyone away." That's so good. This is a weird one. I don't know if I trust it. Really? You think it's fake? I think someone heard the arrested development joke and is like, "I'm going to write a funny story about that." Because they're like, "My face turned redder than the apple." And it's the same with the library one where it's like, "My face was redder than the sunset when the sunset." I'm like, "I don't know if I. " Yeah, that's fine. It's too perfectly. It felt reverse engineered in my mind, but I tend to, I think with this one, I think it might have also just been exaggerated. I think he might have been at Target and his son might have yelled that, and it probably like, maybe nobody was around or something, or something close to it. This is like, "Oh my God, like, whatever." Or the kid asked, like, "Dad, I have to go to the bathroom." He's just like, "Oh, can you imagine if he said this other thing?" That would fucking suck. I will also say that the redder than something, there are some phrases that, for some reason, everyone on reddit, they do it, right? No matter how many times you read, how many stories? It's like, after every single update, it's always like, "Oh my gosh, thank you guys so much for the efforts." I'm like. I wasn't expecting this to blow up. Every time someone says I wasn't expecting this to blow up, I'm like, but I guess what are you doing here? I'm like, "Okay." Yeah. I think that's where I need to find the balance, because sometimes it's like, "Oh, this sounds like it was just written to be written," and other times it's like, "This is kind of the language of reddit." Yeah. kind of just the culture of like, you know, thank you for the karma kind stranger or whatever. - And also toddlers do say crazy shit. - Oh my God. - Like they do. - Kids do say the things. - I've told this before, but my oldest brother, I guess when he was like a toddler, he couldn't say the word truck. He would say it would come out as fuck. And my grandma thought that was hilarious. So she was constantly like, oh, what is that over there? Like, constantly making you say it. Like, just constantly. - Comments, I sympathize O.P. when my son was a toddler and only knew a few words. He loved going down the street with all the different flags and the big clock on the outside of this hotel. We had to run his stroller down there to get to story time at the library. He would get all excited and yell flags and big clock as we passed them. The problem, he could not and did not pronounce L's at all. - The second they said flags in clock, I was like, I know where this is going. - We know. - This also sounds me, but maybe I don't know. Now that toddler's the mayor of WeHo. (laughing) - It's West Hollywood, the gay city in LA. - Jesus. - Yeah, the old one. - The only one. - That's the only place they're allowed to be. - Lastly, someone said co-workers kid did something similar. He likes Pirates Booty snack and for months would ask his mom and public, "Mommy, can I please eat some booty?" - That raw. - Just say it. - First poster? - Yeah, first poster. - So I heard it through the door. - And the dad's like, no, that's dad's job. (laughing) - There we go. - All right. Guys, what do we think was the biggest fuck up today? - Eating a spider that nearly kills you. I mean, that's like, is that a fuck up? That was like a perfect, like God-spited him. God was like, you're gonna have an ulcer and then you're gonna eat a spider and it's gonna be a, that's final destination. 100%. - I used to send whole plagues at this shit. - Yeah. - I think it was probably the person that brought their anesthesia partner in public. - Honestly, yeah. - Yeah, that's probably the one. - That's the most, like, you cause that. - They did, yeah. - Like, other people had like, well, like, whoopsie daisies, this one's like, no, he went on a rampage. - Yeah. - It's nice that the other person didn't press charges. - Yeah, but that guy who had his stuffed animal upside down, you know, fuck him. (laughing) - So grand. - 23 years, looking at that, you idiot! - I love you! - I hope the dog weener gets haunts your nightmares. - Yeah. - And it turns into a nose in those nightmares and you're like, what does it mean? It means you fucked up. - Thank you both for joining me today. - Hey, man, it was my pleasure. - It was dope to be on the couch. - This was honestly very funny. - Right. - It's always a joy to be here. And I'm, you know what, I'm glad that a lot of these weren't too cringed, because sometimes cringed stuff like hurts. - It can hurt. - It can hurt, yeah. - Yeah, anyways, thank you all for watching. Go play Fallout, I guess. (laughing) - Yeah. - Get some, get some HP from my couch. - I'm just saying, go play Fallout. It's a game. - Go game. - The Fallout cards for Magic, the Gathering. It adds some fun flavor to your game. - No. - Thank you guys, and thank you all for watching. We'll see you next Saturday. - Thank you, happy birthday, but you're birthday, bye. - Bye. - Happy birthday.