To Forgive My Ex-Husband I Need to Forgive Myself First

Hello. Hi. Hi, hi. Shall we listen to your question first, and then you can add anything that you say should have added that, should have maybe mentioned this? Shall we start with the listening together? Let's do that, yeah. Okay, let's do that. So my situation is me and my ex-husband, we decided to divorce four years ago. We have two kids together. Right now, they're five and seven. Right after we decided to divorce, like, the same week that we ever uttered that word, like, we never said that word before, the same week he started into a very serious relationship with a woman, he eventually married, and they're together now. He actually lived with me for six months while he was dating her. So after we decided to break up, they started dating, and then he moved out of the house six months later. I think because of that, it created a dynamic in which the woman was inherently threatened by me. Like, our marriage and their relationship essentially overlapped. It never gave me and my ex-husband an opportunity to kind of process our relationship and to start that healing journey. In addition to that, I have not been allowed to. to talk to my ex-husband. It's part of the rules that we. Basically, we can never privately communicate, ever, about anything, even about the kids. I just don't know how we're ever going to heal for the kids. Ball is here, and that means the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back at Starbucks. It's the one we've been waiting for. So whether you're a fan of the original Pumpkin Spice Latte, or ready to mix it up with an Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai, the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Matcha, or the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Shaken Espresso, you can find your favorite taste of fall, only at Starbucks. You seem to have stopped mid-sentence, so keep going. Well, when I hear that, first of all, I want to paint a more accurate picture of the beginning of their relationship. Because in that clip, it sounds like he did something to me. And I don't feel that way. Our marriage was downhill for most of the time. And so we had like a, it was never really used, but we had like an agreement where we would be open. Because we knew that, well, at the time, we didn't admit that it was, that we didn't love each other. But at the time, it was just like, I had had many babies, and I didn't really feel like being intimate. And I wasn't attracted to him at the time. And so I was like, you know, it's really okay. If you want to go be intimate with somebody else, it's really okay. It wasn't really okay with me, but I felt like that was going to save our marriage. I was fully okay with him dating someone new, but I wasn't fully okay with him just like abandoning our life together. Because we built a life, and we decided to build a life. We got married. We had the kids by accident, the first one. We barely knew each other. And we got pregnant, and, you know, we tried to make it work. We tried to decide to commit to each other and love each other. But it was never going to work. And neither one of us wants to be with the other person right now. And at the time, I think. So at the same time, we have two kids. That you are co-parenting? I don't know if co-parenting is the correct term. Tell me your correct term. I saw something called like parallel parenting once, and maybe that's what people would call it. But we have them approximately 50% each. We try to make it as equal as possible in the last year or so. But we don't communicate. Like other than what time are you bringing the kids over? But even like too many details sharing is considered, not by me, but by them. So I'm not interfering. Is it them plural and you singular? I'm remarried and I have a baby also with my new partner. Okay. So it's them and them. Yeah, but my husband, my current husband has not been around in the picture as long as she has. And he stays out of it. He doesn't want to have anything to do with them. But he also is like, he's friendly. He's nice. He's not like, he just doesn't want to think about them. I can't fully not think about them because I have to still engage with them as a parent. And how did this situation emerge that you are not having any permitted conversation? I mean, I'm understanding you meet this man. I don't know where you met him, but probably quite young. Is that accurate? I was 25. And he? He's seven years older than me. Okay. So you meet, a child is born that wasn't necessarily planned, but is welcomed. Yes, very. Very much welcomed. And the two adults decide to see if they can unite around this child. And they were parents before they were partners. They did things a little bit in a different order. And then things seem to have gone well enough that you decided to have a second child together. She was on purpose. The second child, I did that intentionally. I wanted my first baby to have a sibling. And I saw my friend get pregnant and I said, oh, it's time. And you notified him or you just notified him after the fact? Oh, no. He knew we were having unprotected sex. And I think I said, I want a baby. I'm not sure. But when the baby happened, we were both not shocked. Wonderful. Okay. So baby number two is also warmly welcomed. Yes. And then you experience postpartum changes in your physicality, in your sexuality. And to make it very short, if I understood what you're saying is I wasn't interested in him, but I didn't think I could deprive him. So I said to him, go find it elsewhere. Yes. Mostly. Correct. Correct me. Make it accurate. I blamed it on the postpartum changes. But in fact, I wasn't really interested in him anymore. Yes. And so I kind of said, since I'm not interested in you, go find someone else who's interested. Yes. But I didn't plan that that person would become his life partner. Well. Not that first person. Okay. Okay. And how did it then develop into this silence? Okay. That's a complicated thing. That's why we're here, right? Yes. The communication issues are definitely the thing. So if you turned it into a question, so we have a frame for our conversation. Yeah. It would be what? How do I communicate with my partner? How do I communicate with my ex-husband so that we have a positive relationship and that all of our interactions result in net positive? I want to have a positive relationship with my children's father. Okay. So continue. So explain to me what is the conundrum? Yes. And the stalemate. Well, it's complicated. Yes. Because I'm sure if they told you the story, there would be a different interpretation. And I think that's the crux of the problem is that we just don't talk. Because I don't know what they're thinking. And then I have a conversation with them in my head. But that's probably wrong. And then I probably think bad things about them. And then I make it worse. And I bet they do the same thing and they're doing the same thing together. Because your kids bring stuff home? No. No, it's not like that. They don't talk in front of the kids as much as I'm aware of. The kids, I'd say both sides are being pretty good about not airing everything in front of them. But they know that there's tension. What they see is, to put it very simply, when he doesn't communicate with me, I get mad that he's not communicating. And then it becomes about me losing my temper and being mad. And then not about communicating. And I know I should control myself and not get mad. And I sometimes, you know, most of the time I don't. But when I do, I do. And how do you do it? I yell. And you'd say what, to whom, and how? Well, it's changed. From the beginning, it was mostly through text. And I just said exactly how I felt with a tone that was like, you're doing something wrong to me. And then I realized that I was not making it possible for them to have a conversation with me. And I was not communicating in a way that benefited me because, um. You let them down a path where they basically at some point decided she's off the wall. We can't talk to her. We just need to manage her and keep our boundaries up. Yeah. Because she flies off the handle. But I also think they throw it out of proportion. Okay. But one thing you just said that is really important is that you. Maybe. Be right. But that doesn't mean it's useful for you. You're right. So the question is, how do I do this in a way that yields me what I'm actually looking for? Because if I'm going to be right and alone or right and in silence, what good does that do? Yeah. And what you're also saying is controlling people who I think are doing wrong by me is important in my life. Yes. I think that is something that I have been recently aware of. But only recently. Tell me more. I guess very young, I adopted an idea that, um. I mean, is it wrong that, um, you're in control of your life? Yes. And if you are. And if you are unhappy, you can change it. And if you identify the things that are wrong, you can change them. But I think. Were you in a situation where you had to be the one to identify it? I don't understand. I'm sorry. If things are wrong, you can change it. Sometimes includes the fact that you were the one who had to notice that they were wrong. Who else is going to notice? Those who are meant to protect you when you're little. You're not supposed to go all the way. I mean, I wasn't, I didn't, I didn't want to talk about this, but, um. But I forgive these people. And it wasn't that bad. I think I was just a dramatic kid. But yeah, I mean. Hold on one moment. First of all, don't go where you don't want to go. Okay. But if you, if you do, it's okay. I'm here with you. Okay. It's nothing I haven't said before to them. So they know. It's like, what I'm hearing is that when you get angry, you will get angry like someone who is fighting for her life. And someone who's fighting for her security. And someone who's fighting for people who don't show up for you. It looks like you're talking about picking up the kids with your ex-husband or with your co-parent or parallel parent. But in fact, you're going to a very different place. None of this is articulated, but it's viscerally felt in your body, which is why you feel like you're getting angry at a level that you don't feel you can control and that they think is out of control. But there are roots to this. It makes sense. Um, I don't know what to say after that. It's okay. We can sit for a minute and just absorb this. Oh. Yeah. We have to take a brief break. So stay with us and let's see where this goes. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Quince. Hate to break it to you, but now that it's August, that means. Summer is almost over. 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Fall is here, and that means the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back at Starbucks. So whether you're a fan of the original Pumpkin Spice Latte or ready to mix it up with an iced pumpkin cream chai, the new iced pumpkin cream matcha, or the new iced pumpkin cream shaken espresso, you can find your favourite taste of fall only at Starbucks. Your favourite fall flavours are back at Starbucks. The one and only Pumpkin Spice Latte and the deliciously smooth Iced Pecan Crunch Latte have arrived and are ready to sip all season long. Or find a new favourite, like the new Iced Banana Bread Latte that tastes just like fall in a cup. You can find your favourite taste of fall only at Starbucks. Okay, so now what do I do? I don't know. I'm just going to ask you in my language. If you fight to control people who are trying to do you wrong, what is he doing? That's a good question, too. Man, I don't know. He definitely has trauma. I think one of his earliest memories is that, and I don't think he remembers, but his. his mother decided to leave his father in the middle of the night and she took him with her when he was two. And when did he see his father again? I think not long after they. He definitely lived with both of them growing up. But it was, I think, just the decision was very abrupt. So that happened to him. And, I mean, other things have happened to him. And I guess when I think about that, that, though, and his mother got remarried, and they kind of. I don't think they ever spoke fondly of each other. Maybe they limited how much bad they said, but I think the mother really regretted being with the father. And the father, I don't know. He's harder to read for me. Do you have active grandparents? So my parents are active grandparents because they're not married. Because they live in the same area. His family all lives across the country. So they don't really know the kids. Not really. The reason I'm asking you this is also because you said before our relationship was going down pretty much from the moment it started. Yeah. And usually when that happens, there's a good chance that people are bringing certain vulnerabilities and wounds with them that make being in a relationship very challenging for them. Yes. I would say we both started the relationship in turbulent moments. Okay. And a part of you is trying to put some of these pieces together at this moment. Every moment. Part of me is trying to put all these pieces back together at this moment. Why now? You know, I feel like I have a lot of potential to live a better life and to live a better life for my family and make our lives just beautiful and good. And however I can do that, I want to take the steps. And your current husband, he's on that path with you? Yes, he is. He's great. He's got a firm kindness. He's going to tell me what he's thinking, which I need. Sometimes what helps to put pieces together is when we know what it is that we tend to fight for. Not what we fight about, but what we fight for. Are we fighting for security, for control, for love, for attention? What are we fighting for? And then, what's the story behind it? I don't like that I'm going to say this, but I'm going to say it. I think sometimes I just want him to know that I'm hurt. And so, I try to shame him into. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is totally accurate, but I think this is a small part and sometimes true. So, the most recent fight we had, and it's been a lot, is I was dropping them off, which I don't normally have to do. And I had emailed him a while ago, and one of our issues, he doesn't respond to my emails. So, I'd emailed him something important about tuition, and he never got back to me. And then, when I tried to bring it up as I was dropping off the kids, we just blew up, both of us. So, he said, well, it's not fair, whatever. And I was trying to tell him how it is fair, because it really is the right thing. It really is the fair thing, if you compute all the numbers. But he and her both just. Ultimately, she said, I don't even know what I said, but she said to me, "How dare you come to my house and talk to me like that?" And I wasn't even talking to her, and I don't even know what I said. And I know I had lost my temper, but I don't remember saying anything crazy or really bad, or I was just upset about the tuition. And then, and this is very fast. This is like one minute, okay? And then, I don't even. I was still talking, I think, and they closed the door. And I was mad that they closed the door on me, and I didn't say goodbye to my daughter. And it was a long. They were planning to stay there for 10 days. They usually only stay there for three days. So, I was like, I didn't get to hug her. And I was also mad about the tuition, but I was more just mad at the way I was shut down. So, I rung the doorbell like 10 times, because I was afraid that they weren't gonna answer the door, I felt like they were gonna ignore me, 'cause they always ignore me. And then, they brought my daughter out, and I gave her a hug. But obviously, I made a scene in front of my daughter now, and I'm embarrassed, and I think I did something wrong. And I know I did something wrong, but I also just feel so raw. And so, I'm just hugging her, I'm just holding her. I have nothing to say to her. I have nothing to say, but I just don't wanna let her go. And I feel like, I just feel like I messed everything up. And then, I was so mad. I was so mad. I had never been so mad at them. Never so, like, I've been mad, but just the way, I was like, I felt like I reached a breaking point that I never reached before. And then, she went back in, and then I went back to my car. And I'm fuming, and I'm upset, and I'm just not in, I'm not comfortable in my skin. And I can't drive, I don't even know where to go. I don't know the directions, I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. - I texted him and I said, "You are a coward, "because you let her treat me this way." And I don't remember what else I said, but I said something to hurt him, you know? That's what I think that's the point. I forget. - You wanted to stick it to him so that he would feel some of the hurt that you were feeling? - Yeah, and as my mom said, I think I wanted, but I said other things. Like, I'm trying to appeal to his reason. I think that if I just tell him how he's being a jerk, he's gonna know. - Okay, how is that going? - That doesn't work, I really don't. - So mom said that you wanted what? - She thinks he's just an inherently unreasonable person and he has trouble understanding logic and how to treat people. - Yeah, but we don't need more ammunition about what's wrong with him. - Yes, yes, I don't. - That's not helping you, and in effect, you were experiencing overwhelm and dysregulation and shame for what you had just done and experienced, and you wanted to fire back the same material. - Yeah. - And so you're not gonna get much out of him by shaming him like you were not getting much from you. And he, they were not getting much from you by shaming you. And so now my question to you is this, when you lose it, what does it mean? You feel humiliated? You feel that they are excluding you, making fun of you, denying you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And when they're excluding you, what actually happens? Because anger is the manifestation, but the feeling is more layered. - So there's two parts to that, right? There's what's happening inside me in my emotion, and then what do I think I'm losing? Like, what am I losing in myself and what am I losing in the relationship? And in myself, I feel like I'm letting myself down. I mean, I know that that's, I think in my life, like it's one of, it's like the thing I've tried to change the most about me. - Is? - Is to not get mad at other people when I'm unhappy. When something is difficult, when I'm frustrated, I think I take the blame out on the world around me and the people that are closest to me. - And if you put that voice outside for a moment, - Yeah. - The one that blames others, holds them responsible, attacks them, and you put it aside for a moment, then what, and there is no space, then what's the thing that then comes up? - Then I'm hurting people I love, and I don't want to do that. I don't ever want to hurt somebody. I know what it feels like to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt anybody, and I'm hurting people. - But nobody is born, blaming others. That's something we learn. - Yes. - And sometimes for good reasons, or at least understandable circumstances that contribute to it. And then we take this strategy, this adaptive strategy, and we begin to apply it to all kinds of other people, when it's not necessarily that justified anymore. - Right. - We'll be back with a session right after this, and while we love our sponsors, if you want to listen to this session ad-free, click the Try Free button to subscribe to Astaire's Office Hours on Apple Podcasts. We'll see you next time on "Share My Trip on Uber." Learn more on the Uber app. Right now, when you buy more carpet at the Home Depot, you save more. During our Buy More app, there's a Buy More, Save More event going on now. Upgrade your carpeting with the top brands, and save up to 15% off installed carpet projects. Installation starting at just 49 cents per square foot. Select from a wide assortment of carpet to fit your room, lifestyle, and budget during the Buy More, Save More event at the Home Depot. Offer valid August 27th through September 13th, 2026. Base price for standard installations only. Excludes Traffic Master and stock carpet. For licenses, see homedepot.com/licensenumbers. - This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast, instead of doom-scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling, just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discount, Accounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. What's the story behind that? I don't know. I think that might be generational. I mean, my parents don't have a good relationship. I mean, they don't have a terrible relationship now, but I've never heard my mom say something nice about my dad. Well, not never, but most of the time, no. And I definitely heard that her regular way of being with my father is to yell at him or say he did something wrong. Maybe I just copied it or, listen, I saw her perspective because she wasn't wrong in the things she said, but I think she was also unfair sometimes. But my father, like, I didn't really have trouble with my mother growing up. I had trouble with my father, so I definitely listened to her. What kind of trouble? Well, the biggest thing was that he scared me. Like, I was really afraid of him. And he. He gave me reason to be afraid of him. He never hurt me, but he did threaten me to the point where I was terrified. And he did put his hands on me sometimes, but. I mean, like, once he threw me into a wall, but I was okay. And once he pushed me into the street where there's, like, a huge. Like, it's like a highway. Like, six lanes kind of thing. And he probably looked to make sure there was no cars, but I didn't feel that when I was pushed as a little kid into the street. And he said a lot of times that he would kill me. And I saw him. I don't really want to say all these things, but I also do want to say them. I just. I just don't want. I don't want him to hear, because I really have forgiven him. Listen. You don't have to neither justify nor excuse. Okay. Nor trivialize, nor relativize. But I also want to say that I. I hear you. I understand that he never wanted to hurt me or him, because he never did. And on top of that, I hear you. And I hear how much you're trying to not have this define your whole relationship with him. But it did define some of your nervous system. Yeah. It did define some of your coping strategies. Yes. Okay. And it did define how. some things happens to you when you get extremely mad. And you get extremely mad when you feel that you are being pushed aside. Yeah, that might be even a separate thing. We can't touch on all of the things. Yeah. So, I'm going to go back to your question. Because there's so many things we could really address here. But your original question, which is. What can I do to change the stalemate? This gridlock that I'm experiencing with the father of my children and his new partner, his new wife. Can I do something for this to change? And it's not going to be a one thing fits all. Right. This is going to be a process where I need to gradually change and convince them that I am changing. Yeah. Why? Because I want it to be different. And I should remember that. And that's my North Star. Even if they think we knew it all along. Even if they think we were always. Whatever they think is irrelevant. Because what matters is that I want to establish a different rapport. Okay. Yeah. I don't have to be right. No. You want to be smart. You want to be wise. You don't have to be right. And wise is to simply say it's in the benefit of our little kiddos for the two of us or the three of us or the four of us to be able to communicate. Yeah. And not to escalate immediately. I hope I can do that. You're not going to be able to do it instantly and it's not going to transform magically. Yeah. So at first, you're actually not going to say anything to them. You're going to act differently. The communication will change somewhat when you. Yeah. That's always been part of the issue. And I know I just have to accept this part of the issue. I never have an opportunity to be around them or to communicate with them. Like a one-line text message or an email that's. Most emails that I try to talk about this kind of stuff don't get responded to. They don't have to. They don't have to. You will simply say when something is done nicely, you will say this was very kind. This was very nice. This suits them really well. This was very special for them. Wanted to appreciate, to share my appreciation for this, for that. You do not need answers. This is non-contingent. Okay. I understand what you're saying. I did that actually. This New Year's. Mm-hmm. And I have to not be upset that they didn't say anything back because I already know they're not going to say anything back. No. The person who's going to say something back is you. You're just going to say back to yourself, that's how I wanted to be or to act and I'm glad I did it and I appreciate my gesture. Yeah. This is who I want to be. This is not to show them anything. This is who I want to be so I can broaden my repertoire. I understand. This is, interestingly, I change how I am and then the communication will improve. Rather than I say things to them, I hope that they instantly respond to me because I did one new gesture. Yeah. Because by now they're trained. Yeah. They anticipate much of what comes from you to be negative. Yeah, and I'm very aware of that. A little bit like your dad with your mom. Which, who's, who am I? Well, anything that he does, she will criticize. Oh, I'm my dad. Mm-hmm. And they're my mom. No. Oh, both then. Well, anything that he does. Interchangeable roles here, you see. I'm going to let you guess who is who. You know, your communication to them is much of the time negative. You're right. Their communication with you is not to respond so as not to escalate because they don't anticipate that if they say anything, your response will not be upping the ante. Mm-hmm. So. What you call they don't respond to me is most of the time they're trying to just not engage. Yeah. Because they don't anticipate any much positive coming from you. Man, that hurts. I mean, not, not, I mean, it hurts, not they're hurting me. I mean, I see, I see what I've done is what I mean. Meaning what I say hurts. Yeah. But I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, no, I'm not hurting you, but I understand what you're saying. It hurts to know that that's what's happening. But it's also good to know because I have been, I know I was doing something wrong. You know, I'm going to change the language for a moment. Okay. Because, interestingly, I don't have a sense that you came here today to badmouth anybody. Nobody. No. Not your mom, not your dad, not your ex, not your co-parent, nobody. I have a feeling that you came here today to say, I'm stuck. I know I contribute to this. I can't change them, but I want to at least change some of what I do. I want to broaden the repertoire. Yeah. I can do better. Yeah, exactly. And I hear that loud and clear. You want your sense of agency back. You want to feel like, you're not trapped and neither are they yeah or did i just touch oh my god um i think that's part of it is that i guess i've been using the wrong language to describe it sometimes and that i think um they think i'm like a bad person and um maybe that's because i think i'm a bad person but um it's just it's validating the right word it's nice to be seen that my intentions are good but i've just not realized how i've how i've convinced them that i'm off sometimes yeah i convinced them yes yes yeah and you need help by the way this is not so easy to do all alone so you may need professional help so that somebody guides you i think you're full of honesty basically you're telling me i know i'm doing something that lands me in the in the place where i don't want to be and i can't control it so to speak i can't i can't contain it it bursts out of me and it flies everywhere and fundamentally they probably by now see me as someone who is erratic and explosive and angry and all they try to do is keep me on minimum heat yeah so you're not going to do this for them you're not going to do this to change their mind of you and their opinion of you that will come afterwards you're going to do this because you're saying to yourself some of the things i need to look at i need to get some insight about and i need to see if i can change how i behave yeah it's interesting and funny because i i didn't always feel this way about myself but when i look in the mirror i just feel like that's like a angry unhappy person and i don't want to be that person like i i physically see that about me i don't want to be that person and i don't want to be that person because i don't want to be that person it'll be different for your kids too and you seem to have a partner who can also help you with some of it yes i mean it's the kids that that's that's i didn't talk about my kids but the kids are i mean the kids are why everything the kids are why i'm even talking to him still i mean i want them to grow and just be happy not like me not like me right now okay i want them to live better so you have a plan yeah you have a plan you have a mission it will take time i just want to be very clear this is not a one-time flip like that and it demands guidance and it demands insight because there's a lot of dots to connect here we just named them and we kind of strewn them around but it needs more careful consideration and and it needs you to learn to breathe to calm down to regulate yourself so that you don't feel like you're being hijacked on the spot when people feel helpless they become explosive and mad and they lose control in an attempt to gain control the piece of this is to give yourself a moment before you react to ask yourself how do i want to react yeah it's to create that little space in between between reaction or action and reaction yeah i feel this in every aspect of my life every every interaction every conversation i have with somebody every even just when i'm cooking like when i'm by myself and that may be that you first go into your body and you make room inside physically with breath and with stretch just so that it lands somewhere rather than that it reverberates on you yeah i know we touched on a lot of different things that are away from the question that you came in with but i hope that you will connect the dots i really appreciate the conversation it's it's not what i thought it was gonna where i thought it was gonna go and it's better because i was actually reluctant to come on here because i was afraid i was gonna go backwards by kind of saying oh he does this and this i don't like this and i i know that's not the direction i want to go so i really appreciate that um it we took it we took it all the way back good that voice of he does this he does that he does this wrong you know that voice you need a different one yeah okay thank you very very much and find the help find some version of help i will thank you you're welcome bye this was an esther calling a one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the middle of the night if you have a question you'd like to explore with esther could be answered in a 40 or 50 minute phone call send her a voice message and esther might just call you send your question to producer at estherperel.com where should we begin with esther perel is produced by magnificent noise we're part of the vox media podcast network in partnership with new york magazine and the cut our production staff includes eric newsom destry sibley sabrina farhi kristen muller and julian hatt original music and additional production by paul schneider and the executive producers of where should we begin are esther perel and jesse baker we'd also like to thank courtney hamilton mary alice miller and jack saul ball is here and that means the pumpkin spice latte is back at starbucks it's the one we've been waiting for so whether you're a fan of the original pumpkin spice latte or ready to mix it up with an iced pumpkin cream chai the new iced pumpkin cream matcha or the new iced pumpkin cream shaken espresso you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks your favorite fall flavors are back at starbucks the one and only pumpkin spice latte and the deliciously smooth iced pecan crunch latte have arrived and are ready to sip all season long or find a new favorite like the new iced banana bread latte that tastes just like fall in a cup you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks