441. Tired of Feeling Like You’re Not Enough? Here’s Why That Voice Won’t Quit.

Is there a constant voice in the back of your head that tells you whatever situation you're in? You're just not enough. You're not good enough. You don't fit in. You don't belong. No one likes you. You're a failure. Maybe that sounds like something different or similar. But if you have experienced this and you are so sick of being frustrated and feeling defeated by it, then this episode is for you. We're going to be unpacking the voice of an adequacy and what do we do about that? Are you ready? Let's go. Something inside you knows there is supposed to be more than this. More than going through the motions, more than the patterns you keep repeating no matter how hard you try. Hey, you're not broken. There's a root beneath it all and there's a path through it. Welcome to the Madehole podcast where biblical wisdom and psychology meet to finally get you unstuck. Hi, I'm Brittany, a former therapist and someone who has sat in the same place you're sitting right now. You don't have to stay there. This is where you're made whole. The broken places become beautiful and you finally come alive. Hey friend, I'm so excited to dive in with you today. I'm very tired and also very excited. It's this kind of weird combination and my words aren't quite wording right. And so we'll see what happens on this episode. But it's not just the newborn exhaustion right now. I just actually got back from the Team Church conference. Maybe some of you were there. Please send a DM to me on Instagram, Madehole path if you were there and say hi because I love it. But Team Church is this amazing organization. It helps, it's a network of churches connected to each other in order to build the church right to strengthen each other to build God's church because it's not just my church. It's not just your church right. We're a team trying to advance the kingdom of God. So let's do it together instead of just trying to figure it out on by ourselves. So if you are a church builder by the way, a pastor or a church leader, highly highly recommend going and checking out team church. They have a lot of great resources and they have a conference. Now it's actually going to be twice a year. But this one was into coma, Washington. And it was absolutely incredible. They also got great Instagram. I was just scoping out all of the videos from this week. And I'm just, because I'm just like still living there. And oh my gosh, worship was incredible. The messages were incredible. The time with our church staff was incredible. I'm just filled up. Okay. But it's actually inspired. This is not just random. It's inspired the message today. And yeah, there was just some amazing messages that really deeply resonated with me with exactly what I've been walking through. And I just realized that a lot of you might be walking through it as well. And so yeah, some of the messages were for some really big names that actually I've never listened to before, which is really sad. But Stephen Ferdick was a pastor, Stephen Ferdick. And he was incredible. And we're going to be talking a little bit about what he said because it relates to what we're talking about. And there's also a pastor, Joel Olstein, which I never heard speak before. And I do want to just pause here real quick, because there is a lot of negative media about him, a lot of negative connotation. Actually, all of us that were kind of around my age are a little bit younger, even just kind of hadn't listened to him, but had just almost a sour taste in our mouth with only heard his name because I don't even know where I heard it. But I just have this kind of more negative impression that I just kind of absorbed. But let me tell you, I am so in love with that man. Every one of us left feeling so in love with him. I cannot tell you. I wish you were in the room. This man is so deeply, deeply humble, only cares about advancing God's kingdom. Like I wish you could have been in the room. He wept on stage multiple times, just over God's goodness or the stories about his father. And I just want to defend him for a second for any of you that have a negative connotation. And maybe it's not even like you don't even know why you have that negative connotation. And that was me. But I'm going to tell you, you need to defend this man. He is incredible. Okay. Anyways, how to say that? But anyways, some of some things from his message also resonate that we'll be talking a little about today. And yeah, just it was just an incredible week. And then I stayed up way too late hanging out with the amazing people that are on staff at my church. And I just feel so filled up from it. And we'll be talking about our conversations there as well. It all kind of connects. But yeah, there was just one massive takeaway that was a theme in all of this that is what we're going to be talking about today, which is inadequacy. And the sound of that and what that's like and how it affects us. And so I'm excited to dive into that. But before I begin, because I have a feeling I'm going to get carried away and not remember to talk about this, I have to let you know that we are one month out from the made whole academy beginning. I can't believe it's time. But it is. So make sure that if you are ready to do some healing work to grow, to go deeper with God, to grab some tools that you can use for the rest of your life that will change how you interact with every single person, help you understand yourself and heal with God's wisdom and truth. This is for you. It's a 10 week live weekly group coaching journey. You learn a ton during the week, watching videos and doing worksheets and exercises and then we meet weekly as a group for group coaching and it changes lives. And I don't I don't say that lightly. Let me just read you a few of the things that people have said. I have so many quotes from over the years, but here's a few of them. This is from Chris to F. It says in 11 years of therapy, a lot has helped, but nothing quite like this. I no longer feel stuck and disempowered. There is hope. So good. Here's another one. I just is from Carol Salazar says, I struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life and tried everything to heal the root of the problem. But all of my methods fell short. I now know the truth of who God says I am. So good. Okay, one more because it's so fun. This is Katie W. It says this program was one of the best investments I've ever made. I would have paid twice the amount for the benefit I thought. I could read you a quote after a quote of people that have had their lives changed by investing in this program and saying yes to it. And so I just want to pause and invite you to join me. It is small groups. I keep the groups very small on purpose because I want you to be able to really have time to share your life and your journey and to have some some close support. And so the spots are very limited. You can go and apply at madewholepath.com and just called the Madewhole Academy. And I would love. I just can't wait to learn your story and get to know you. And by the way, for just a few more days, so the seven until the 17th, if you enroll before the 17th, you get a free 30 minute one-on-one session with me before we begin to help us connect and hear your story and help me to give you some direction to set your feet on before we even dive in. So make sure you don't miss that. Also once you enroll, you immediately get access to the pre-work and the unstuck workshop. And so you can begin starting to grow and heal even before September 10th when we launch. I believe it's September 10th. And so yeah, I can't wait to see you there. All right, enough on that. But but also if inadequacy, if that's something that you struggle with, the Academy is a great place to be working on that. And so just know that if today's episode resonates with you, resonates? Yes. See, again, guys, I don't words aren't. Yeah. If it resonates with you, then then join me in the Academy because it's going to help you make some progress and take some authority over this voice that's been even battling. But I want to get into it because I have a lot of written down for today. I think this is going to be multiple episodes, maybe even a series. I'm not quite sure yet. But I know that this is something that is so real for so many people. And really, it's a topic I've talked about many times before. And part of that is because I know people struggle, but part of it's because I struggle. The lie of inadequacy is one of the core wounds that I have inside of me. And it's a voice of feeling that I experience again and again all throughout the day, all throughout my life. And it's just this voice for me that sounds like you aren't enough. No one likes you. You're stupid. You're weird. You don't fit in. You don't belong. No one wants to listen to you. And I don't mean just like listen to me here. I mean, like listen to me if we're in a conversation with friends. That's the voice that's in the back of my head all of the time. And I say that because I want you to know, we'll be talking about this exact point, but that's not just you that experiences that. You're not alone in that. This voice for me at times led my life. At times, it was what I believed at times. It was what dictated my decisions and dictated if I spoke and where I went and who I talked to. And it was the defining characteristic of my life for a long time. I let it lead me into spirals of behavior and decisions that never aligned with my values and who I wanted to be. But because this voice was so loud and I let it take over, I tried to numb it out with all of the wrong things. And so this at times, has felt like just the defining characteristic of my life. And then at times, I felt like it was behind me. I felt like, "Oh, right, like I finally am set free from that. I finally don't believe that anyway. I finally believe God's truth about me." Oh, man, those were some hardy years that, wow, it feels so good to be here. And so at times, that's what I was. And yet, I have found, as I've continued to journey farther and farther into life, by the way, getting old, I feel like I didn't do that episode on this. Getting old is amazing. It is such a privilege. It's incredible because as you get older, if you choose to follow Jesus, you get wiser, you get more equipped, you get closer to Him. Like, there's so much, why are we scared of getting old? It's amazing. Okay, anyways, I know. Not a big other episode. But as I've gone farther into life, I have just realized that this is a voice. This is a struggle that continues to resurface again and again, season after season. And while I have gained authority over it, it is, I have realized a tool the enemy will continue to use year after year, or I should say season after season, meaning that even when I overcome it and have breakthrough over it, the enemy is still going to continue to poke this part in me. And not just the enemy, but I am going to, at times my flesh is going to believe this lie and is going to fall into seasons where it affects me. And I don't say that to speak death over myself and to say, well, there's no hope and there's no breakthrough. This is just real. And I'm not going to allow that to happen, but there's just kind of a resting and knowing that on this side of heaven, this will not fully be vanquished. And I'm going to tell you, I feel stronger about that than I ever have after this week at this conference and so I'm going to be telling you more about why that is. Now that doesn't mean that how the voice used to run my life, that's what it looks like now. So even when I have seasons where this voice gets really allowed, it doesn't look like it did 10, 20, 30 years ago where I let it lead my life, where I let it dictate my decisions. It doesn't, I take authority over it and I don't let it determine my decisions, but the voice itself grows louder in certain seasons. And I've been currently in a season where that has been true. And well, God has healed me of this and I have taken authority over it and I have tools to battle it and I truly, if that wasn't true, if I had not taken authority over it, if God had not done healing work on me, I would not be sitting here talking in this microphone to you because what I am doing today would have been impossible 10, 20, however many years ago, impossible. I, you've probably heard me say this if you've been around here for a minute, but I in school raised my hand a total of maybe five times and I'm talking high school, college, grad school, total, maybe five times, maybe 10, maybe like I'm forgetting a couple of times, but I did not speak. Even in the context with people, friends, if it was really close friends, sure, I'm silly and I can be loud and whatever, but if we're talking in a group where I didn't know some people on the quiet girl in the corner, right? So me being here with you or me preaching on stages, and we'll talk about that, never, ever could have happened if God had not brought healing to me. So I know that the voice that I've been experiencing lately, it's not, it does not have the same power over me. I know it does not, but it's still there. And it's something that I have found sneaks back in when I least expect it. And yeah, so this voice, like I've seen in the season has been especially loud. As I've shared it, I often have not often, but I sometimes have the privilege of speaking, speaking in different places, but specifically the one that kind of triggers this voice the most is speaking at the church that I attend. I'm on staff there, I'm one of the pastors on our pastoral team, but this is the place that feels the most vulnerable to me. And it is really like the fact that I even preach at my church is something I cannot think about too much because it totally still freaks me out. And I do it a few times a year. I've done it for, I don't know, three or four years, but I still cannot fathom like me. Out of everyone that's here, me. The one that no one likes to listen to, just even in a normal conversation, me. And so it blows me away. And I have to, I just can't think about it 'cause I get way freaked out when I think about too much. But somehow, time and time again, I keep asking me to preach again. And now I have to say that I know it's not me, right? Like it's a God has placed a gift on my life. And it's his glory that comes out when I get to preach. And so I know it's not my own gifts. I know it's not just this special thing that I have. It's something that God has granted me. And the only reason they keep coming back is 'cause he's placed that gift on my life. And so it's all him. And yet even knowing that, I don't feel adequate of that. I never feel like the prep time and the delivery are anything good enough to reveal his glory. Am I worthy of his gift? Am I really sure that I can get out of the way of the gift enough to shine? Are we sure that the gift is still there, right? Maybe I felt okay. In a moment we saw God work through this, but still again, the next time and the next time are we sure that it's still there? And these thoughts get so loud in me. And especially in this season, they've become almost at times debilitating after this last time I preached a couple of weeks ago. I was just bombarded with overwhelming thoughts. And it was just hard to function. And I think part of it's my defenses are down because I'm not sleeping enough, 'cause it's newborn season and it's just such an intense full season. And I don't know, but it was so loud it was deafening. I could barely even talk to my husband about it because I just wanted to avoid it to hide. And the thing is I know that this voice isn't just for preaching. This voice doesn't just come when we're standing on stages. This voice comes just when we are living. This is the voice when we're making friends. This is the voice when we're a mom. When we're working in any kind of job, have holding any responsibility, producing anything. This is the voice that comes when we're a wife or when we're dating. This is the voice that comes when we go to a new church or even just join a new connect group. This is the voice that comes when we say yes to serving or to leading. This is the voice that sitting in a room with friends and having a conversation as simple as that. This is the voice that is in the back of our heads for so many of us. So many of us just live in this place where this is in the background of our mind as we go through life. And we start to believe the voice. We think, well, it must be true. We really don't even question it. We don't even actually say that that it must be true. We just inherently kind of believe it. This is true. This is who I am. This is how people think about me. This is defining of my identity. And so therefore, because we don't think to question the voice, we shrink back. We don't say yes to leadership. We don't say yes to serving. We don't say yes to church. We don't say yes to friendships. We don't say yes to the call in our lives. We don't say yes to dating. We don't say yes to kids. We don't reach out to friends. We don't connect with others. We pull ourselves away from everyone and everything. Except for the service, right? We might still show up to some places. We might still have a little smile on our face. And we might still go in and out and be there and maybe share some shallow conversation. But are we really living? Because at all times, we're filled with this anxiety of what if people really knew? Or what are they really thinking about me? And we might leave a public setting or leave a conversation with friends. And afterwards, be spiraling in our car over what we said and replaying those conversations about how silly we are that we said that. And we shouldn't have said that. And how we don't fit in and how we don't belong and whatever it might be. And so this is living. We're living in this. And then because we're living in this time and age, this voice, it gets amplified, right? Anytime we go on social media, anytime. And even if you're not on social media, it's still there. Like if you go on YouTube, if you Google, it's just around us. It's technology. We see this all the time. And we are, this voice is reinforced, especially when we're going on social media. It's basically-- screaming at us that you are behind. You're less than you're lacking. There's always more that you're not good enough in. Even when you feel like you finally finally accomplish something, finally, it has some breakthrough. You finally got good at this thing. You're still not enough. There's someone else that's prettier, there's someone else that's smarter, someone else that's more successful, someone that has a more beautiful home, that has better kids, has a bit of marriage. You fill in the blank for yourself, but this is the voice that is screaming at us all the time. And I can say more confidently than ever that this is the soundtrack that most of us live with. And for you, it might sound like you're a failure or it might sound like you're an adequate. You're not enough. You never will be. You're worthless. You're unloved. You're unlovable. Whatever that voice sounds like for you, whatever name you would have scribed to that, there's so many of us that just don't question this. And why am I so confident? I'm so confident. More than ever that the majority of us are living with this voice because again and again and again, when we when I pull back the layers on people or when I get to see them pull back their layers, they share a me too. People that I never would have thought struggled with this share a me too. And this is what this was going to take away from the conference. This happened at a big scale at this conference from stage. It started off there and it started the conversations that trickled into our staff having conversations and our as friends at those late-night hours. And people like Stephen Ferdick, okay? Pastor Stephen Ferdick, who I would never think, right? Never think that he would struggle with something like this. He's like everyone knows his name. He's doing incredible things for God's kingdom. He's so talented. Everyone loves him, right? And yet he shared with us that sometimes before he goes to speak, he screams into his pillow. Stephen Ferdick, I feel like I'm sharing a secret. But like this is real. Stephen Ferdick, that we think it's just because we're not enough. Okay, then who's enough, right? And then Pastor Joel Osteen, same thing, right? Someone that reaches millions on a weekly basis, talks about feeling nervous before he came on stage, talked about battling those same lives. I would never have thought that those men would raise their hands and say me too. But they did. And then we got to talk about this, right? As we sat in the late-night hours after the conference and we talked about what, you know, how the day had impacted us and what we had thought about it. And we sat until two in the morning with people that lead our church. These amazing women, we're mostly girls by the end of the night. These amazing women that I would never have thought, struggle, with these voices, who do incredible things for the church and lead amazing ministries and impact people in such profound ways. And they sat there in that circle. And they said me too. And everyone that has ever gone, well, most people, the majority of people that have ever gone into the Academy, as we peel back the layers, sometimes, sometimes people that seem like they've got it all together, right? They're sending for an Academy, but from the outside, no one would ever think that they struggle, right? They're beautiful. They're successful. They've got amazing families. They've got so much going for them. And yet, as we peel back the layers, guess what? Me too. So for years, I've heard these stories. And it's helped me, right? It's helped me realize, okay, wow, if this person's struggling with this, and it's such a privilege getting to lead this because I don't just get to help people and watch God move in their life and watch them be healed and watch these amazing things happen. But I get to also be changed by it every single time. It's so cool. One of the biggest best parts of it, the privilege of doing it is that I, as they talk about their struggles, it's not just the other women in the Academy that are like, whoa, you struggle with that too. I'm also sitting there saying, whoa, you too? Because even after all this time doing this work and seeing these layers pulled back on people, I still begin at times to believe the lie that it's just me. That the this because this soundtrack is in my mind, it means that there's something wrong with me. It means that this is truth. If this is what's happening in my head, it must be true, right? It must be what is like that, that this is who I am. But even though I've been learning year after year as I've watched these women open up to each other. And by the way, that's like one of the best parts of the made whole Academy is that you're getting to do this work with other women that are experiencing the same exact things as you. And there is something profoundly healing about that. In fact, research backs that up that there's group therapy is actually more productive. I don't know, I can't remember the word they would use to measure it, but more helpful than individual therapy. And it's because of this exact same thing that we start to realize that we aren't the only ones experiencing this. And also when you hear someone else describe a situation in their words that you have been walking through, it just helps things to click. And you're like, oh, that's what I've been experiencing. And there's just profound beauty and growth that happens from that. But even though I've been sitting in these circles for years and years, something changed this week. And I finally started to really understand that this is the human condition. This voice is not there because there's something wrong with me. This voice is there because there is sin in this world. And that voice is a result of sin entering this world. It actually has nothing to do with me. It is because there is sin in this world. And when sin entered the world, we began seeing ourselves in the wrong way. And all the time that we continue to see ourselves in the wrong way, we can't be free from this. You see, feeling inadequate is an identity wound. Okay, so I'll touch on this today, but we're about out of time. So we'll continue this in the next conversation on the next episode. But there are safety wounds and there are identity wounds. Okay, and so you can imagine, let me just touch on this briefly as we wrap up. This is all based in restoration theory. By the way, this is a theory created by Dr. Terry Hargrave. I used to use this as a therapist. It's based in God's word as well as in neuropsychology. And you can imagine that when we're born, we're born with almost these two empty spindles. Like, you know, like thread goes on. And those spindles, one of them represents identity. This informs who you are. And then the other spindle represents trust or safety. And that asks, informs the question, can I be safe or can I trust? And so when we're born, these are empty. And the goal is that they would be filled up, right? That that would be perfectly loved. Would be perfectly safe. And these spindles would fill up so that we have a strong sense of identity. And we have a strong sense of safety. And we can go about life in a healthy way. But because sin has entered the world, those spindles never get filled up. And so we are therefore lacking. And so because those spindles aren't perfectly there and we aren't perfectly loved except by a father in heaven who does love us perfectly. But we also have earthly parents that God designed to fill up those spindles. And as great as they might be, they cannot perfectly fill the spindle because they are human and they're sin in the world. And so they're for sin in them. And so we are impacted. Our identity is impacted because we aren't perfectly loved. And so we begin seeing ourselves the wrong way. And this is what allows us to live with this voice in the back of our head all of the time. So I'm going to teach you more about this in the next episode. And I'm going to give you some tools to begin walking this out. But if you really want to go deep make sure you join in the academy because that is a place that we really go deep and help you begin to dismantle this lie that has been keeping you stuck for so long. Let me pray for you. And God, I just think you, Lord, that you're a good father, Lord, that has given us life. God. I think you God that you bring breakthrough, you bring healing God. I think you God that we can trust your voice and it's a firm foundation. We can stand on God. And I just pray for everyone that's struggling with this voice of inadequacy. God, I pray you would speak to her Lord. I pray you to help her to see this voice clearly. See her self clearly for the first time and help her begin to understand that's not who she is. The voice is a liar God. What you speak about her is the truth. And I pray you would help her to begin seeing herself that way and begin cutting down this voice God that is not from you, Lord. And I just think you God that you are a faithful God, a good father that takes care of his girls. I just pray for healing and breakthrough for everyone listening. God, we love you and we praise you and Jesus and we pray. Amen. Love you. Hey, friend. I hope that God used today's episode to speak to you or encourage you in some way. And if you did, don't leave it just with you. There is someone else in your life that needs to hear the encouragement that you heard today, so be sure to share it. And maybe you're still feeling stuck and you're realizing that you're in the same place day after day and nothing is changing and you need to take it a step deeper. If that's you, then the unstuck workshop is your next step. You can finish the whole thing in a day and begin getting unstuck. You can find out all the details at maidholdpath.com. Lastly, if the show has meant something to you, I can't tell you how helpful it is for me if you leave a review. I am deeply encouraged and it also helps other women find the hope and tools that you found. I'm so very grateful for you, friend. I can't say it enough and I can't wait to see all that God has in store for you. (upbeat music)