Tim Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

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New customers can use code random to get 50% off at takeultra.com. That is takeultra.com, 15% off with code random. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Hey folks, while you're remodeling your backyard to make it more zen, we were remodeling our merch store to make it more random. We've slapped our new logo on t-shirts, tight eyes, hoodies, and hats, and all with premium printed labels. Look, I wasn't kidding. We have it because tags are like the junk mail of clothing. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. Once again, that's clubrandom.com. The business out here is not the business I signed up for a long time ago. Yeah, but about the money is. It's not like it used to be. Toy story? Oh, that. Club random. I have an old fun time going. There's, I'm going to say a lot of stuff tonight that might offend you. Get your phones out now. Let's go through this. Club random. That is not keep Mr. Alan waiting. No, I know he has. I'm already bored. I'm already bored. I'll just do it 10-2. How are you? How are you, then? He looks surprisingly similar to the last time I saw you, which was, I think, the early '50s. Or maybe it was our early '50s. No, go, God, that's what he's doing. No, I was just thinking about that. It was at a Grammy thing, or it was one of awards, and you were hiding me into a plant somewhere. And I said, oh, he's a kind of shy. Because I'd done the politically incorrect several times. Oh, yes, I remember. We were very excited because you were like the biggest name. We got sign-fold on the first show in Roseanne. But then, you know, we went to Washington. Was that where you were on, I don't know. No, I did it. At 23rd Street in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it was a big thing for us, I always. But when you stood here, you stood here at one point, wasn't it? Yeah, then we moved to-- out here, we moved to ABC. And we've been at CBS. I've been in the same parking space, phone number since 1996. Yeah, through two different networks. We're old now. Why do you got to go then? But you still do the road. I see I quit last year. I'd done it for 42 years, and I got off this year. This 25, I did not do any dates. And we passed each other. I took your plane a thousand times. Right, and then, but one of those, I saw you in the casino and you walked by and I ignored me. So I said, maybe-- I did, like, didn't. He said, do you just walk by? Well, I did, if I didn't know. Do you weren't doing the MGM, or what was I doing? I was doing the Mirage for years. Yeah, the comedy, whatever they called it. No, no, not the kind. No, I played them-- no, I wasn't doing like the comedy cabal. No, no, what was it called, the legends of comedy? Yes, you're right. We all did that for a lot. And that was a great room, and then-- It was a great room. I liked that room. Well, I know, did it. I mean, yeah, there was, like, remember the car? They had this, like, on front of me. Mine was, like, from the '30s. I looked like a car salesman. It was-- my deal was it was, I started at the-- Tim, you are a car salesman. Yeah, good night, everybody. The woman with the guy across the street with the canal, Venetian. Oh, yeah. And next to the Venetian is the-- I don't know, anyway, I played there for a while, and then owned by Sheldon Adolfo. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Still live? No. I mean, maybe resurrected. I mean, they've got some sort of drug they do then. But that was a nice room. If a man that wealthy dies, you know they don't have a cure for it. OK. Or they kill them, because his kids want the money. It could be that. Well, or because they're just very big supporters of Israel. Yeah, it'll sting, yeah. And that's a controversial thing. I don't think it should be, but they are. But we all get into that. We could get into that, because I took my-- I don't know where my family took my family. And one of the trips I've taken in my town, every we do something really peculiar. RV trip, which-- I don't know my wife was stingy. So I really always wanted to take an RV. I said, yeah, I don't know about that. We got halfway into it, and they go, who dumps this thing? When they all use the facilities. Right. That's when women act really dumb. They go, oh, you're so strong, you do it. No, honey, is that the Ted Sikdo strength that just emptied the valve that all the poop comes out of it? You know, I'd never thought about that. No, really. So I'd love to know what do you have to do. But I know when you're on a boat, I remember being on a boat, somebody's boat at Khan, and a truck does pull up. Yeah. And, yeah, early on, the boats dump the poop in the water. If they go out far enough, they can do it. They don't do that anymore. I don't at least say they do. All right, hope so. But in an RV, there's a holding tank. And there's gray water, which is after washing dishes. And black, what do they call it? My wife and I say, it's just simple. It's a valve. You got to undo the valve, put it in a big hole in the ground, and pump open and valve. Where is this hole in the ground? If the RV parks, they have a big hole in the ground. Oh, they do. Uh-huh. So you've got to, but anyway, to get rid of this shit, you have to park at the park. Yes. And there's not in my rich friends that want to do it. They go, well, I'll just get somebody to do it. I go, oddly enough, there is nobody at an RV park that will dump your ship for you. They just say just, well, it's just-- And you don't want to-- and you don't have to bring them on the trip with you. You don't want to do that, right? Bring the guy on. Or, as I say, just don't take a shit. Tell my wife, just hold it. Just we'll hold it for two weeks. But that's another thing. I've certainly talked to enough rock stars who talk about the Torbus. Yes. And the rules on the Torbus are-- Don't use it. Which I find so much-- Something tank is this size. It's just-- there for-- looks only. Take a crap. It just rest stops. I know that's what they say. And I'm sure they do. I find that highly impractical. It is impractical. They just don't think about it. I can only put so much in there that it's kind of-- once you're parked, then you can dump the stuff. One reason I-- look what we're talking about. Not to fuck, and I'm not done talking about it here. One reason I quit-- I just started. I mean, his excrement is the end of everything. I put a good deal of extra money in your plane. Because one reason I really don't want to go on the road anymore is because-- That's what the problem is. Well, I mean, look, you and I are spoiled when we-- for most of this century, at least, I, and I'm sure you, because it's your plane. I couldn't have even gotten to these gigs, because it wasn't a private plane. Because I had to leave-- I do the show, my show, Friday night. OK, I couldn't-- I had to go to do a Saturday night show Saturday day. You can't get to Boise, which I know you're going to. Go on the Boise. Boise. Boise. Boise. Not Boise. Don't say it like that. Don't ever fucking say it like that. The other one's, well, Keegan Illinois. I do some-- it's a best club, best date. Great town. There's no place to get there. You have to fly a course to Chicago, and then take it to-- And the airlines are completely unreliable. We miss half our gigs, so that's our justification. I can't even get into it. Because for a long time, I thought it was-- I don't even like to say it, because I was one day-- when I worked at home improvement, you could do-- I could do pretty much anything, but didn't know it, because I just as a comedian that got a lucky break out that show, really, to get on Carson. That's the only reason I wanted to do anything was to get on Carson. I wanted to be a comic on Carson, which is a short, horribly non-funny joke. Incarcerated for many years, and when I was in there, I said, I wanted to get on the tonight show-- Not many years. Three. Well, it's not really many. OK. It's a bus stop. OK. I'm not saying I could do it. No. I'm telling you, you couldn't. They-- I want to get on the tonight show, so I did-- I kept coming out here. But in my road comic, you know, that's what I did. You started making money, an old buddy of mine that I now know, Seager once told me, once you start putting butts in the seats, you own it. Bob Seager? Yeah. So he-- and Detroit native, and he used to see me-- Oh, right. Detroit. And he said, you start going to back, do morning radio, and for a very tough one, because I'm a late night guy. And I said, once you start getting with the punchline, the whole series of punchlines were in South-- the South. I started filling it up. Point for comedy. >> Yeah, come out here. to see Jim McCauley to audition for the tonight show and I'm a guy I'm a guy that does an hour and he goes I need to see five clean minutes. I got it. So I do with the ice house or Improb and they'd go do clean minutes and then I think he's there and he's not and they do my regular act And they talk about my nuts or whatever I'm talking about and then he he'd see me later go like you can't do Johnny He can't do scrotum drills. I go we use where you first five is for you Never work. He funny just told me this isn't gonna work. Can't do it. I can't I said geez McCauley I'm everybody knew I was was hoppin so wait you got Home improvement before you did this and I have because that is the opposite of what usually the template is is as they see you on the tonight Exactly then you get it right because that they saw Rose and I said oh my god her her standup is a show You know they saw it was all freaking backwards. Oh, that's good. I got the stupid At the time because I was I used to I've focused once I got incarcerated I said I don't want to ever do this again So I want to focus on what I want not what I don't want aim for what you want and just avoid what you don't want That's a racing trick. What's worse prison or a sitcom? No, I'm kidding We're prison or living in California under Gavin nuisance I think prison because at least you know what you get on Saturday's, you know a pretty good meal But anyway, so I do the I did this whole thing and I did a showtime special Miner pigs and it got that was when no time is like Netflix. It was huge for them came out here I did the five o'clock funnies Remember that the Juno Michelini very much. I remember it and I got instead of 50 calls I've got like 8,000 calls. Who is that guy grunt and talking about lawnmowers because it wasn't it was really weird So I started hooking up here, then Disney wanted to have me do turn hooch I said well, that's already do it. Hanks is doing that right. We'll have a dead poet society It's robin Williams. They didn't they wouldn't be to a sitcom based on that so greatest day in my life I walked away from Jeffrey Katzenberg who I adore great guy, and I said He I walked out the room says what thanks and he goes the whole room was just stunned We're offering you a deal at Disney. I mean a holding deal or whatever that thing it was They had no idea what kind of money I was making on the road So they were offering me like a week and they didn't know that so he calls me back into Trent and he goes did Did you just fly back there and I go yeah, I've got to I got to go through the South again He goes do you know we offered you and I go yeah, I got it was really a good idea But I don't and I'm not into it says nobody says no to me. I've never had anybody say no Yeah, he's what would you want to do? I said look I like this old house I think that's a funny show if I could do a show where it's instead of But I want to break things instead of fix things blah blah blah. They do the show get the thing I'm a big star Carson people call me and McColley goes. He'd like to have you on the show So what I want to do the damn show is this TV guy He goes what do you mean? I want to do a stand-up So I'm standing there in the back and he goes we'll go out and do some stand-up. Okay, you know what to stand in everything I had no idea what to do walked out curtain hit me in the back of the head because I didn't walk far enough out to the star and It I bombed I fricking bombed, but that's also backwards because most people me it was one of them was doing stand-up And I couldn't wait for the day when they said you're big enough just to sit down Right, which is what I used to do with Leno, but I was older and had my own show by then But I would have died if they would said you don't have to do You want to do all because I saw all the guys I so funny all betty but he hacked all that air I loved I loved Johnny stood down after I bombed and he gets he looks to me in between braces I hope you're funnier than that. Whoa, and I told him what the story I told him the story and he goes you know what? Come back next week. Do your stand-up fresh. I came back the week after that killed on it But I was you know, I already sitting down. He was good to comics like that. He really was a I'm not sure ex-wives would say no good What's the word not real connective after the show? No, no, I mean Johnny as I said Johnny packs a tight suit case. Yeah, and also for many years was a drinker Yeah, and a mean one Who is it me? Oh, I don't give you get mean when you drink I've been sober now 30 years And I know I ever wasn't a mean drinker. It's just a long way to drinker. What does that mean? You don't ever lay it up, you know three of the worn airbys going we should hit the sack You know, I think I got a couple more hours. Yeah, but that's when you're young you can Know that was many no, you know, well 30 years ago. It's 30 years ago. Yeah, I mean you were It was tough for me to manage. I didn't as I said this most guys like me if a if a little is good a lot's got to be better So I'm as good Morris better too much is just right. Yeah, yeah, the American model That's a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I mean I think kids if any kids are watching this in there in their 20s They have this idea that when you're in your 40s you're already over the hill because they see mom and dad And it's like and no if you want to be a party animal in your 40s. I promise you it's easy It's easy fact it's fun because you're a full at grown-ass man or woman I guess could do it too But for me and now you know what life is you're an adult you have some money You know you can be Frank Sinatra in 1960. It's awesome But when you're when you're doing it when you're 22 or 25, you don't have any game you're dumb You don't have any money, you know, you don't you just don't know what you're doing and you can't pull it off It never I drank when I was 11 years old when it was the kids I'd I watched cowboy movies. I used to love when they still don't understand that the cowboys get on the horse Yeah, yeah, and they're sweating. They go into the saloon. They'd pour that brown liquor in the To get back on the horse and it's a kid I'm going. That shit must be very refreshing So I took a big sugar of Jim beam and it's like I drank gasoline. I was choking. I thought I was gonna die Any normal people would have said I'm never gonna drink again because that's horrible I just said I can get you said with a little sugar in it You know, I get getting and then I would drink And not it never affected me all my buddies are vomiting or the passing out and getting in trouble their parents had never affected me I get used to it and never was enough never was not enough. It just didn't I I never Said no to a drink and I used to say went one night early on when I didn't want it to see if I have a problem at alcohol So I took a test which was very funny. You take a test from John Hopkins I think it was to see if you were a problem drinker and do you ever lie about the number of drinks you had? That's it depends on what you see by lying. So you are glad if you ever not gone to a party because they didn't have any And I went I went oh, yeah, there's been a lot of weddings. I've gone to and they said it's beer right now I went I don't like either one so I'm not going to the wedding right so I decided on that and at the very end You had these you know 50 questions that say and I know and I I kind of cheated on some I gave him some you know, I thought I You know 10 out of 50. I admitted and that the bottom says if you're if you're taking a test to wonder if you have a problem with drinking You've already answered your question and I went fuck fuck I got tricked by that. That's funny. Yeah, I Remember fairly vividly the last time I over drank and I was in my 50s so it wasn't like A long long time ago. I mean it was and that's it was just too old. I was at a party like it was like I think it was Some of man. I think it was awards week when the there's you know The people think we're always partying out here. We're not as my friend Jimmy says every star I know is blown in in bed by 9/30 But this there's a couple of weeks all around award shows when there are good parties. Yeah, you that and I was there and Danny McBride I love him, but his wife kept bringing over these shots and you know, you the more you have the more you forget how much you've had And I mean, I was not I was probably 55 or something and I Mean I came on that night my poor girlfriend at the time Was supposed to meet me at the party. I Seemed to remember insulting the people she was with just being drunk and thinking I was funny and it wasn't and got home and they had to Carry me from the driveway. I I was I spilled out of the car and she and my security Brother and arms picked me up. I mean, that's that's way too late in life to do that and it was the last time I ever did something like that, but it just and kids again the message here keep partying Don't think you're done just when you're 35 get an uber. Yeah I said that was well, it wasn't driving for all the all the The attention I had when I was really struggling with is how do people manage it? Why are there people like me and then I have a I've known a bunch of comedians and a bunch of friends that to struggle with weight You know, they don't they do not know how to stop eating. I don't have that affliction If I take it like I have a buddy says how do you eat ice cream like that? Sometimes because I can I After a dinner if no one's around this I don't do this front of people. I take a little thing of hog and dies And I'll take a couple spoonfuls out of the the thing. I don't put in a bowl. I like it look like you're wearing the same clothes You did when you were on putter clean correct, right? Well, I said said that food isn't my thing right He said if I started ice cream I'd finish the tub and I go and I don't I take a couple taste buds I'm fine with it, you know kind of put it away I never knew any and it was never that way with drinking and drugs is not my I never knew there was never enough. Me neither. But, see, I saved my sugar for alcohol. And I don't even have more than a couple of drinks a week. Like, only when I'm here. Really, do I have a couple of drinks? I wondered what that would be like. All my life, I said, two directors I did movies with that we just did one in Venezuela. And he'd go, "Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy." And I go, "That's the point." You know, he'd have a drink in a half, and he'd leave it there, and I go, "What, we're just going. We're just starting." He was, "No, I'm real dizzy." And I go, "Yeah." Oh, I remember when I used to have a couple of shots before I left the house. Ah, you know, just to warm up from when you got out. And I remember an era where, and again, I wasn't that young. I wasn't in my fifties. But you would, first of all, you would know every night. Of course, I was never married, so the different, you know. You would know every night where the club was, because it was different every night. You know, Tuesdays, it was the Chitties. And Wednesdays, it was Dingo Berries. And whatever the animal was had a great, you know, three floors going on Thursdays. So you would just go to these, you know, whatever the night was. And it was one of many stops. And each stop, each bar you'd go to. Probably because you felt there wasn't, you know, enough hot girls in this place. So you'd go to some other place. And you'd have two drinks at each of them. So it wasn't hard to rack up 10 drinks in a night. And, you know, that is so unthinkable now. Well, I said, you made me laugh, because there's, most people don't know that if there's no town I've ever lived in, living here a long time in New York and in Detroit. And on the road, this place is dead at 9.30. Totally. Nope. It's the strangest plane in my California. Everybody goes to sleep like at 9.30. Because it's a working town. And movies and TV shows start at 6 a.m., right? They've got to use the light if you're making a western or whatever the fuck. Movies, you know, anything shot on film. sitcoms are gentlemen's hours. I did those in the '80s. That's a pleasure. It is a pleasure. Because-- and you're one of the few people who's made it stick, boy. Well, as I said, one of my staff members is you're like, and my wife says, why do you keep saying that? And they said, I said, somebody told me I was like the Tom Brady of sitcoms. And they asked me to do a third one. I said, I thought they were kidding. I said, I don't know whether my generation-- because all the people that I know that I would make it with are either dead or not the right gender. They're all light, skinned, European, older men. And that doesn't fit the DEI thing that everybody wanted. They wanted a popery of, you can have DEI in the cast. Well, yeah. But then they said, I didn't want to get into that. They didn't want to patronize people. But you're going to do a sitcom. It's just got to be funny. You've got to have some drama. I couldn't agree more. Not everything. Diversity is a great virtue. It's not the only virtue. And not everything in America has to look like Angelina Jolie's Christmas card, sometimes. And it's always OK in reverse. If there's something where it's just an all-black cast, and good, I'm all for it. I'm not complaining about it. I'm just saying, CBS put in a law from the union. I guess it came down a few years ago that like every writing staff had to be 50% people of color. And I thought, what if this show they're writing is about a polka band in a ski town? No. Still? No. There's probably an example where there are people of color. No, no. And I love people of color. And I'm so glad that things are better than they used to be for people of color. But it shouldn't intrude on the creative process to the degree it has in this. No. It is intruded on the creative process. And by the way, lots of people of color agree with that. Because they're against the creative process to be pure too. I've been doing this on my stand-up for years. Because I have a very mixed family between married, son-in-law, friends. I've been around people of color and in my family. So we have these family outing sometimes. And then you get into a couple cocktails and you have old light-skinned grandma, who doesn't-- she calls darker skin brother-in-law and family members, different names. And I said, and then one night we got into it, which I've never-- it's all-- Lenny Bruce started me on this whole thing. Back in that was it, the purple onion. Change my life. Explain to the kid. You don't mean personally, he did. No, no, no. We're all not bad, though. I knew him as a child. That-- he started this whole thing where words don't mean anything. It's really the content of a guy's heart. It's a Martin Luther King thing. And then I started going with my brother. And I said, it's always you wipe motherfuckers do this. And I go, eventually I got, say, what do you mean white? What do you mean define that for me? Because I got in the middle of it. It's such a-- I don't like the term you know. He says, you know, and I go, no, I do not know. Are Japanese white people? You know, no, motherfucker, they're not. They're Japanese. And I go, with that makes no sense. Where are the ruling class in Mexico City? If you've seen them, and I have, because I know a lot of them, if you put them in a white shirt and didn't speak, they look just like people from France, Portugal. So he says, where is whiteville or white land? Where is-- and where is that? And I said, are Russians white? No, motherfucker, they're Russians. I go, OK, where's the broad line? There is white as it gets. Well, I don't know what that means. I do. The Russians are-- it's like the reason why Republicans these days, and for, like, the last 10 years, have a thing for Russia. Partly, partly. It's not the food. It's not the food. It's like the last country in the world that's like, where white, we're not changing that. We kind of love it. I mean, Putin is like, you know-- I ain't a lover, but I don't think they view themselves as that, I said, I have a Polish-- my wife's family are Polish. And in a room, I got into this, sort of, a father, great man, just recently passed. God bless him, and he goes, they were going-- that also is a lot of making this Polish club in Pennsylvania. We go for family vacations that way. And I said, you go, let's throw, yeah. And I go, ah, Russians. And then the whole place stopped. We're not goddamn Russians. Yeah. I go, well, you look like Russians. You sound like Russians. OK. But Russia invaded Poland. Right. And pull that whole border time like killed a lot of them. So I can see why they-- They'll like 'em. A pissed off at you, though. But close to the border, like-- And then I wondered, Finland is always curious to me. Finland doesn't like Russians at all. No. Finland, the people of Finland, also exist in a country called Estonia. Right. Estonia was one of the republics of the USSR, the old USSR, the Baltics. Lithuanian Latvia and Estonia. Lithuanian Latvia are like Slavic, like the Russians. Estonia are like the Finns. So they were always treated worse. And the Finns beat 'em in a war way back when. The Finns and the Russians had some big war. I don't know the-- They're right across a bay, for each other. Yeah. But they don't like each other. There's a part of that. And so my point was kind of circle around, because I did it, my dermatologist one day. He goes, he couldn't believe this-- I brought it up to him. He had a chart on the wall. It's called the Fitzpatrick scale. And dermatologists don't look at race. They look at the amount of-- I think I get melatonin in the skin. It goes from one to seven. And I said, that's it? Right. It's the melatonin. There's the one, which is Japanese, and Nigerian or Pakistani, that sometimes there's really dark Pakistani or Indian, northern part of India. It's very, very dark. He said, that's it. And then he looks at me and says, I wish I'd never shown you this chart. Because now I've been doing it. I said, you mean FP3 people? And it was all just to sell you some retinitis. Yeah, well done for this. It was all about, but now I go, you mean FP3 person? And now I've got to go through this whole explanation. Looking at it from 30,000 feet, big picture, isn't it amazing that the amount of melatonin in whoever's skin has been such a giant factor in how humans have treated each other. The wars, I don't even start it with me. I mean, I don't just trivial thing for it to be such a major factor in human history, right? OK. When you look at it from 30,000 feet up, now go 30,000 feet up, a little west of that, and look at a different way of looking at it. I look at it simply put. Because I said, I am a empathetic person. I do it in comedy. I do it in my business. I've always been this way. I have philosophy major. I look at people and I listen. I learned to listen to people. You learn more by what people say and what the questions they ask and the extra answers. Right. What they question. CIA did a big CIA benefit. And that's what they-- that's their whole deal. They don't talk much. CIA does benefit. We did a-- they gave me an award, which I didn't know how to say no to it. I even asked my people. I said, can you say no to a CIA benefit? It was here at the-- they gave one to Ellison. He was there for the Oracle. He was-- I didn't know. He wasn't right. Oracle is the-- that's how the CIA started. And Larry Ellison-- Is that right? --he had a lot to do with the original computer system for that. And the CIA-- Computer system. Yeah. He didn't start this year. No, no, no. He had a lot to do with it. But again, you look at him. I don't know what to say. But this-- I was there because I've done a lot for the veterans. [BLANK_AUDIO] about the people that have died in the sea. - I've always been supportive of the spy agencies. It's not like something that the woke appreciate. It's cooler to like say, oh, you know, you do the spying and this and that. And yes, have they made mistakes? Yes, but as George Orwell said famously once, most people sleep comfortably in their bed at night knowing that rough men are willing to do violence. The world is full of bad people. Really bad people. I don't mean just like, you know, woke bad here. Just like, and we do need people like in the CIA. And they are dedicated people who do it without any, you don't get a plaque, you get the fucking star on the wall without your name. And this was a sad night. I was there because of what I've done for the military. And I just, it was a humble to be asked. And I got to ask CIA top brass. They go, what is it you want? And I said, can I, can I, can I ask you some weird stuff? He goes, what is it, Mr. Alan? What would you like to know? Like they go from being big, we love home improvement or bus like you or whatever you do. And I said, can I ask you a question? Well, what do you want? They get real serious, the most, the, the leader of it. Well, they can't tell you much. Well, it's fun. He said, what do you want to know? I said, well, off the coast of California, two F hornets saw some bulbs that went left, right, up, down, he goes, and what do you want to know? Totally. Well, you, if they were going left, right, at a certain speed, and then stopped and went the other direction, it can't be an aircraft to go and your question. Well, if it's not an aircraft, it would be a drone of some sort or a helicopter. And he said, and the question is, did the Hornet pilots know what they were? He goes, what did they say? He goes, well, they said they did, this one on and on for 20 minutes. And I realized at the end of it, they go, so what do you think? I said, I think they possibly were something that we did know or that they're covering. But why would they show a picture of it if they're covering? He goes, it's a good question. And I go, what are you saying? He goes, you've learned more by your questions than any answer I have. And I went, you sons of bitches. So you don't-- and that night got very tragically sad, because we were celebrating 1.5 children that had lost their parents. And you met these kids, and it was about the money that CIA will take care of them. And these people, those kids, it was so emotional from my family, that these kids will never know what happened to their parents, never know. All they're told is they will never come home. They don't know where they were. And that's all you're going to hear. I mean, it makes me think of that bad day in coast Afghanistan when they were after Bin Laden. It's in the great movie they made about getting Bin Laden. And they thought they had a lead to him, which was his doctor. And so they brought him onto the base. And this is the CIA running this operation. And of course, the guy gets out of the car. He's got a wooden leg. And what's in the wooden leg is a bomb, right? And he blew up like six people, like all CIA people. And they don't get the name. They get this-- They get the star. If, as far as I got it, you'd look at all these people. None of these people are armed. They go into areas that are dangerous prior to soldiers. Oh, yes. An act like insurance agents or a medical-- They come off. And they save a lot of lives ultimately because they handle something. No, look, have they made mistakes, of course? Yes. But they handle things in a clandestine way that is way better than a hot war. Yes. You know, they also do stuff that you don't want to know about. You do not want to know about. There is. You don't. And those are aliens to him. No, no, no, I'm not-- Listen, I had the guy on the show recently. There's a movie out now. I wish I could remember his name. Oh, wait a minute. No, it's a movie. It has dozens and dozens of credible people from the highest levels of our security apparatus in the military. And they even have the-- Yeah. Well, what's his name from Trump's administration, the secretary of the-- Mark Rubio, isn't it a lot? I mean, very credible people. And they're basically telling us, look, they don't want-- they're in a precarious position. They don't want to scare people. On the other hand, things have changed so much. And my reading of this is, yeah, like 40, 50 years ago, we used to hear about the aliens. They landed in the middle of nowhere. They stuck something up your ass. It was always up your ass. But several times. But that is-- They found nothing. They went up my ass. They found absolutely nothing but two polyms. Well, they should come with you on their RV trip. They could just go out there. And just see it. They don't have to go up there and listen to pilots in this little tank. They don't even have an RV. They'll do it for you. They work cheap aliens. But like, I feel like that was really happening. They were really finding out about humans. It seems to have started right after we exploded nuclear weapons in 1945, which could have alarmed them. I don't know how much they were monitoring us before. It seems like now they kind of want to let us know we're here. As I said to this guy when he was on real time about this, I said, it reminds me of the movie where the detective or whoever, the bad guy, says, if I wanted you dead, you'd be dead already. Right. If they wanted us dead, we'd be dead. So they're watching. OK. That's what I feel is the most logical. This is not crazy stuff. This is not Jewish space lasers. This is-- why wouldn't it be? There's nothing unscientific about it. Here I am, CIA. So we're basically primitive compared to these people that can do this monitor us without seeing us. We already have sent-- You were special. You, of course. We've already sent a probe to Mars. We've had probes here. We got a probe that we sent to an asteroid. And a justification for me, I said, if there were them, anything that we're seeing as a probe, it's a robot. It's not aliens. They've sent out, if there is something, there's no reason to come here when we can send a drone. They say they have corpses. Well, send a drone. The corpse could be a drone. It's just that version of a drone. It's not-- they're not anything like this. No, this is from, like, the late '40s. I don't know, but still, what if that's their version of a drone? They manufactured a drone. There's a great movie called The Day the Earth Sit Still. You all have seen it. Right. I have the robot in my office. I got to Gort. And in the original story, it was very twisty. It didn't come up in the movies. That Michael Rennie, who played the-- he came out and said, talked to us. In the original story, it turned out that Michael Rennie was the drone. The whole civilization was the Gort. And they had to make a human to talk to us. So they manufactured a human to speak to us, because the Gort had nothing to say. I don't think these are drones. I think these are little green men. They are. They're different from us, but not completely different. Everybody in that book, Communion, all these people have the same experience and kind of gave the same testimony without knowing what the others were saying. They all talked about somebody who was like-- What's the name of the book? Communion. Whitley Striber, he wrote this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, like, long time-- like, 30 years ago. Yeah, but there's another-- there's a French guy that wrote a book about-- Oh, you're not talking about the railings. No, no, no. This is a guy called-- he called them occurrences in a-- Jack Bully, that's his name. And I can't remember the name of the book, but there's a little picture on the front of a kid walking into a light. And I'm on a train in Vancouver doing a gig. Took my family with me, took it from Vancouver all the way across Canada, which is just a gorgeous plane trip until you get to Calgary. And then it's like your middle of Nebraska. It's just nothing to run with Nebraska, but it's just nothing. There's no mountains. And this-- the porter came by, saw that book. I was reading it. And it's all about a scientist that looked-- instead of looking at all these crazy people, these farmers that got taken by aliens, he just-- he just took-- asked questions. He didn't judge. And he found so many similarities with-- no matter who had that, there were certain similarities. So the porter-- the book was gone. And I asked him-- there was a book sitting on this desk here. And he said, I don't know. He comes back two hours later, and he goes, I'm sorry. I took the book. And I go, well, can I have it back? He goes, what is this book about? And I said, it's about the-- I told him it's about the occurrences they called them. And he goes, why is that picture on the cover? And I go, what is the question about? And he goes, when I was a boy, there was a crackling noise outside, which is always smell of ozone, crackling noise, and things in threes, that's the things that always happened in the book. I went out, my little brother walked into a path of light, came out, buck-naked, standing there, smoldering. I tried to help him on the ground. And then we made some noise. My dad opened up the window, sees my brother out there nude me wrestling with him to get him out, told us-- he thought we were screwing that sexually, but he thought we were-- don't you ever do this and don't you ever tell anybody what just happened. And my brother never been the same. This exact thing happened to him. This is not the first story from a person who I trust, who is not a crazy person, or a drunk, or a weirdo, who has said something somewhere. Something weird happened there. I just think it's more unlikely that all these things are just a coincidence or hallucination. And again, there's nothing unscientific about the idea that we are not alone in the universe. But there is a physics problem with it. The thing that I've always wondered about is that in my head, I've been a million alien movies in my head that I like. The one that I wrote to myself is that the alien, when he finally talked to me, I didn't come from anywhere. I came from here. He said, "Everything vibrates at a different frequency. I traveled through a vibration and I showed up here what saves your civilization as Jupiter and Saturn. They sent off a real signal. So where I come from, we don't think there's any life here. So we didn't hear. If my people knew that I was here looking at you, you would never, you would never live through the day. Because you're a virus. This doesn't work. And this is in my story in my head is that this alien shows up and it's a screw up in his ship and he crashes. And he keeps changing his shape in a weird way. He says, "Does this work for you people?" All these different de-backed to this, all these different races. Do you all get along? I don't think you do. Because in my plan of 55,000 years ago, we killed every other race. There's only one race on my planet. I don't say it's the right thing to do. And I remember their motto from the River to the Sea. Oh boy. I have to tell you, David Mammett has been here twice. He lists, like, four, his four greatest. Do you know this about him? I've done a movie with him. He's one of the most fun guys I've ever been. I love him. I mean, we don't agree on everything. Who cares? Who cares, exactly. That's always my theme. But he lists, like, in one of his books, he lists, like, the four greatest movies. And I can't remember what the other three are, but they're like ones you, you know, Citizen Kane. And, you know, the Lawrence of Arabia. You know what the fourth one is? 2001. Galaxy Quest. Oh, yeah, cool. And it is a great movie. It is, I mean, it is a really fantastic structure, the script, the acting, how weird that you bring it up today. I just posted it in my office. I have a picture of me fighting Sarah's, which was the creature in that thing. And I remember in the movie, the guy, the guy, he's passed away, the guy inside the suit. It was so clever on so many different levels because so many different mistakes were made to get it where it was. Really? Oh, it was a originally Space Balls, a Mel Brooks movie. It was just really stupid. I love Mel Brooks, but it's better than Space Balls. Well, it was really a simple comedy. It turned into this movie because Dean Parasso was a documented director. He took over the movie after a long, they didn't want it, this Space Balls thing, and then he didn't want a comic in it. He wanted to action hero that could be funny, not a funny guy that could maybe do action. So they parted ways. We got into it. The way they did it is the right way. Yes, it's a lot easier to do it the way they did it with you than the other way around. The other way around. Believe me. Comedy's hard. Death is easy comedy tar. I'm so thankful to be part of that movie, but I did this one scene with this guy, Sarah's, was the big reptilian thing with his head, beautiful. And he's yelling at me, and I'm supposed to fight him, and I'm a comic. And I go, "So what exactly would I do with the seven-foot reptile? I'm a loser from the earth." And so I, me and the actor, I said, "Where is Balls? Can I kick him in the nuts?" I mean, the way that'd be funny. And he goes, "You think you're in so hard joke with you're looking for these, like the hungry shoulder?" Well, what would Bob Hope do? In that wild? No, but you know, Bob Hope was one of the great comics, you know, Stand Up, Bloodville. They put him in movies, because like, you know, he did become a parody of himself. Well, like those movies would be in "Grosby" or funny. They're funny. And you know, when he was still that wise-cracking playing the coward, you know, this reminds me of what you're talking about. Like, a comic knows how to play that, the coward, and make it funny. Like an actor? I mean, actors, I love them, but they're thinking they're a big thing. I did, I have, I did, um, Shaggy Dog for whatever reason. I missed, it missed the mark, to me. But Robert Downey Jr. had just gotten clean and was in it. And that guy is so frickin' brilliant. He looked at comedy as just another form of drama, which it is. So he would do the comedy parts as though he's doing a dramatic piece. He'd get into it and get into the dramatic piece, then he goes in the funny, and then he got it be funny. Is though it's that simple. No, he is great. He is so frickin' great. I mean, the Sherlock Holmes movies are great. He is great. Do you remember, um, the one he did with Ben Stiller, "Tropic Thunder"? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably couldn't get it green-lit, no. No, no. So flippantly incorrect. You know, he does it in black. I know. And they showed, they did a documentary on it, and they showed outtakes. And they showed, like, him and Ben Stiller, Ben's just doing the directing, and it's a close-up on him. And he's just doing take-after-take of variations of this speech he's doing. And Ben's like, "Oh, that was so great." Let's do another one. Do another one. You know, that is what, that's a director's dream. Right. To get an actor like that. I've never seen anybody where like, he was so good, I told the director I was kidding. He says, "I want all this cut. I don't want any of this in the movie." He's making me feel like I'm so insignificant because I can't do anything that I can do the funny stuff like this. But he could switch to drama and you're buying it. You know, Iron Man with the first Iron Man where I consider one of the best superhero movies ever made. He was able to be very serious. Right. And then he's in a work on a metal suit. He's in trash cans in that one of the scenes. You bought every single piece of business that he did in that thing. So he can do that funny. He did a movie with Mammotho and Red Belt. Oh, yeah, I saw it. I've seen all those movies. I was never, there's no funny parts in it. It reminds me of when comics were in movies. I've done some with Marty Short and Marty. If he's not being funny in the movie, he feels like he did another one. Richard Porra wasn't it? Jungle Jungle. And he do stuff and you do, Marty, you just answer on the phone. And he always has to do something with his legs. It's, oh. No, Marty, you're just sitting down. Okay. But I'm going to get up it. Oh, no. Oh, he can't walk out. He can't. Without getting a bit. I mean, well, whatever he was on real time, he'd walk out. And he does whatever he does. He is just a laugh machine. It makes me sick. The only other one like that is Dana Carvey. Yes. The two of them, like, they just can't stop. And they, and they're batting average is like 980. Yes. You know, they, everything they go for is actually is funny. I literally have to leave him in a Christmas party. I had to leave. I was getting sick. Because I can't, I'm funny with him for a while. Like, if you're around Robin Williams, the late Robin Williams, it was similar. It's, it's very similar. You won't, you won't shut up. Right. I was going. And my wife and I, he, he came out of a gym someday. And we started talking about what was going on. And we knew something. And he's just doing bits. And my wife goes, what just happened there? Well, he, he just stepped talking. And they go, and I had to translate. Oh, he's, he's working on his relations right now. Right. He's got a movie coming on. He didn't really like this. He didn't say any of that shit. And I go, well, he's doing a bit about this. He's doing a bit about this. But I got to say, both Robin Williams and Martin, sure, are really smart guys because they both did the panel of real time, which is a hard thing to do. It's mostly for the pundits. It's not for show people. Right. That was the old show where we mixed the show people in. This is almost never that. And they found a way to still be Robin Williams. Right. And Martin, sure, without like taking over the show and making it into a, you know, a carnival or just, and, and also being having serious moments and being thoughtful and to, to, to pull those both off. You could do it and you should do it. But you never respond when we try to get you to do it. Well, my email is packed. I have a lot of issues. You're, you're cleaning out your shitter in the RV. So, wait, you go on RV trips. You go on train trips. Is that what you said? A train trips and then the, like, no, why does a man of your vast wealth who has a private plane? Why, what is it about like an RV or a train that you find, is it relaxed? Well, I, I, I did it for my wife. She always wanted to do an RV trip. And RV trips. So, we did all these, we, my youngest daughter went, she always wanted to do it. So, we did it and the train trip we did was in order to get to the orient express. I wanted to be on that train. I love trains. So, we did the front, that train from Paris to, you know, not Paris, Rome or someplace in Italy. And you're on a frickin train that's like a, it, it's like an opera house. Everything's two million dollars. Everything you touch. But you're on a frickin train. So, all night long, you say. What do you mean? You're saying it's ornate? Every, you can't get more gold in, in wood. And everybody's going to, you ask Trump. Oh, yeah. No, that, this is even past that. Because everybody, you got to wear a tuxedo into dinner. You got to wear a deck tie. There's a piano player. And it's, it's, it's an amazing experience. It like, I, I don't want to get into politics. But, you know, this is, and I don't, the gold, I don't, I don't care. I don't, I didn't. But it does look like Saddam's palace. It's, it's, it's, I don't care. You can't stop. That's his taste. That's his taste. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I met the dude at dinner with his wife who was genuinely a wonderful person. And he was more, this is, I think the second, the last year, the last year of the apprentice. And he was thinking of moving the Los Angeles and being a movie producer. And he was talking about movies. He said I really like the film business more than that the guys addicted to comedy. He was so I was you know killing at the table, you know, and he's going he just what a gift what a gift to do that He's laughing about this and that and He was a genuine one of the guys with I don't know if he was like he sits and talks like when he listens He's a good list. He's a good list I don't this is what the left hated me that I went to the White House and talk to and then did not lie and say He was a monster in the white. I just said it's the truth. He's a nut. He's not it. You got it meet him He's not a deal with him on a personal level and then he go who is it? It reminds me and I don't it I love Howard Stern. It's like Howard in person is a genuinely kind wonderful guy But he gets on the air and I don't know what happens I always said if I was the adult in the room I would take Donald's phone away from him and get him involved in infrastructure here Here he would I don't even know with people here this he was talking about how to do the roads I'm a road freak about the potholes were on my neighbor in LA. We don't take care of our roads It's just one of these things and he was you know how to fix the roads in DC You got to get the underlayment first get the sidewalks done and that he went off and he was one of those News things where he's he's talking about how quickly he get the the road done quickly in Washington DC We don't need the underlayment and then asphalt on top of this time. I'm going That's brilliant. It's not 800 million. I could do this stuff for six million dollars tomorrow And we will get it done. There's almost nothing he surveys That he doesn't want to fix whether it's the Kennedy Center and look believe me I am not on the page with a lot of his fix I get it But like he looks at Venezuela. We got to fix that fix no ballroom. We got to fix that It's asphalt. We got it like he there's just nothing that he doesn't want to personally He has he does have enormous energy. You gotta give him that and I said if look just keep him directed on our Infrastructure keep him directed on the power system the power grid But I said the one of the times there's I want to out A couple comics we were sitting there watching At one of his speeches and there's a couple of them because vintage comics and sue young guys and they said vintage Well, I'm saying that did and recent. I love Tom treason. I just love the term. Well, he's vintage You know, treason open you know was opening act for Sinatra trust me. I'm getting ready for the day They call me a vintage comic. Come on. You know, we're like a couple hours away from that. This is Jesus Do you even know the young comedians are like people calling all the time? No But I love to go to the comedy store every once in a while and just sit in the back First of all brings me back to those days. It makes me like Very happy about my life, which is so much cushy. You're now. Yeah, it was when I had to endure that because not every night Is a singing smiling success as we know right from those days And it's just fucking entertaining. Well if they're bad It's like watching the ND500 when there's a car wreck. It's not boring If they're good. It's awesome because you're laughing And it's just it's just I just love doing it. I'm everything. I hated now I used to hate it when I did have to you get there eight minutes at the improv or whatever that You get that short time and then I'll say yeah Shanley to show up and everybody has to back off and he does for 40 fucking minutes and you go Big shout like he needs it and now when I before he go on the road I go to right left factory and I'll do An hour and so this all these guys lined up and I just so you can elbow your way passing them Yeah, so I just I come in the whole room changes that I do it for you But now we do it so yeah, I've worked it out so the guys get it's good to be the guy who needs no introduction Let's just say about yeah, it just is. I just love what I do. I love being able to do stand-up still I'm not you know, they still have the guy hats off to you I got a I I knew there was a The moment came and it was like boy this hurts. This is like cutting off my leg stand-up. Are you kidding? I did 13-HBO specials You know, I mean I have been there and always kept it up, you know like never phoned it in I kept that act up because you know it takes people said to me. Well, just do just do a few dates here and there You can't you have to be in shape. I you know, I was on your plane a lot don't get me started on this No, I was well, I know that I've been doing this show and a movie so in this next tour I haven't been on the I haven't been out for almost nine months and oh my people are going well That'll be just get back into it ain't quite that simple. I'm not that simple. It's not that simple when I was I was off for No, no, there's let the last five The first two years last man standing. It was too much going on So I was offered two years and I just it was really difficult to get back And then I realized I feel like I'm Rod Stewart all of a sudden I do mag and mag. I'm doing my I'm doing I'm an egg a comedy egg. I'm really about timing and pace and so I do some old material and I just reshuffle it and then I'll do the for opening is like 20 minutes of what's going on now, but generally it I don't I don't do Current events I just thought I've never I've to stay away from current events. I should you well I said it's just because these these days where it fits it fits sometimes it fits I have a good fun I'm having a fun time going there's I'm going to say a lot of stuff tonight that might offend you Get your phones out now and let's go through this when I say these words. This is what I mean You know what your iconic it doesn't matter. You can offend them and the people who are offended or the type Who will get offended at everything you're just looking for something and it will not affect your life or your career Which has been what I'm having I'm having fun with the words. I said this word This is what the word means to me and I just who did you say you were like Tom Brady of sitcoms That's not really a good analogy. It's more like there are a few people When I was a kid Michael Landon. Yes Ted Danson wow there are a few it William Shatner There's a few people who the audience continually wants to see in a show and so they keep doing show after show And they're always hits right and you're in that very Small pantheon of people like that you keep doing these shows don't know what what I said when I keep looking them when they the Girls at Fox that the bosses at Fox that got me doing it and then ABC bot Fox so now it's back. Yeah, you see And I said you guys are kidding right you think I should do another sitcom and there's two Yeah, we we think Even in that today's climate and at the at the same time I was doing Santa Claus the streaming series and I see no I'm doing a Streaming series for you right now. I can't possibly do a sitcom at the same time And I said well if you did it what would it be? And I said well number one and I listed this stuff I want to talk about which was grief in this so I wanted to have a guy that just lost his wife I won't own a car shop which I do in North Hollywood next to a dance studio which I do and The art forms the people that know I have a passion for people that know how to do stuff like I love tools which is real stuff real stuff people that know how to plum. Yeah, I just I have so many people who study go to college and study bullshit, but don't want to do anything It's just like okay. You have a major in you know the queer poetry of the Asian diaspora, but what there is a lot of demand for that Where is that fit? Don't throw that out. I hear shifting years comes back on January 7th. You just heard that. I No, I've been reading about it. It's funny because Trump was talking about you should the other day Yeah, you know, I was I can't I obviously it's pretty plain don't plan anything during this show But if I was planning I would have said of the three like put upon White guys that you have played because I do feel like that is the Throughline right you're the pin yeah people like to see you as the put upon guy with and it does work And why not work with what works? You know have three characters that have something in common But also show a different side of you as you face into these different areas of your life Is that a correct assessment very correct assessment? That's why I did it. I said the first guy was loves construction equipment and The contracting business and he had a sage Wilson behind the fence second guy was outdoor equipment But he's a sell-out door equipment guns and all that stuff and that guy had Hector Alessandro who I just saw today was kind of the father figure This one I am the father figure lost my wife and my daughter cat dennings is terrific wonderful wonderful and she comes in Uh, we have a bad relationship. She's a great sitcom. I know she's a great on your show and she was great on the two broke girls She's she just has that. I did sitcoms. I know a great one when I see one She's great at that in Darrell Chowilliams who was on Galaxy Quest I remember he used to be on poetly and correct in his wheelchair. Yeah, and he's uh He's true the task is freaking terrific on this and I said right what's You know, I keep forget our Rehearsal yesterday or we could come back on the show January in January. We're on a break now and It is so much fucking fun and then the cast has not done live five or four camera with live audience We still have a live audience and they're addicted to what I'm saying. It's a combination of stand-up and movies You know, we seal cameras doing that cut cut move and then you have an audience in there and I don't know if it's a dying art. I don't know because I as I've told many people That's what this started with baudville. I want to see you put into it. Like I should like the writing quite a bit. I mean in my way because I don't get up in the writer's room. I'm down there in the shirts that this doesn't make any sense. I may have told this story before on this show, but I'll get the fuck. I did want in my follow period after I you know a lot of careers they like have a start in the war. Before you you think you think you're on your way and the job is just as you're not on your way. Like yours was going to prison. Right. Okay. You're not quite on your way. Look at the time. You're actually in prison. Now let's go back. Let's go back. I was just in show business, Jim. Right. Okay. Okay. So like I had done a sitcom. It looked like I was on my way. I got canceled. So then I was like the the shampoo like does guest stars on other people's sitcoms. And I did the Bob Newhart. Ah, the second one. Yeah. Yeah. I remember the one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I remember that week. They were very nice to me. I was the guest star. Got what I was playing. But I remember Bob Newhart. It was his show in the title. And he only made one suggestion the whole week like during a read through. I know remember what it was like you know why don't you you know put a hat on the moose or something. And when we shot the show it was the biggest laugh. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I remember about Bob Newhart. I that blew my mind that he made one suggestion. He didn't he didn't want you know he was at that phase of his career. Like I know it's not my job. I don't want to be like. Yeah. The guy you be the guy. I'm 65. You're 40. You do it. But when I do say something it's it's got like that with me. And I don't I don't want to be this crotchety old fucker. And I did you know I said too late. But I don't but I don't need I don't need a person under 30 telling me how to be funny. No. And sometimes you definitely don't. I just don't I don't know how to say it. And what I always comes down to is I said listen I can't tell you I appreciate crew writers everybody you do all the word I'd I'd literally do very little. But what happens is somebody's going to have to get on the horse and ride it. Somebody makes the shoes somebody feeds this horse everything. But eventually I have to ride the horse and none of you're going to be on that horse. So at one point I will ride that horse the way I ride a horse. But you say you wanted to do about grief and losing your wife. Now this wasn't just like wish fulfillment. No, no, honey. He's kidding. Oh, like she's watching this. Yes. Well, and she will be forced to get the whole family. You will watch what we do. This is what pays the dough ready me. Well, my guess is that this is the dad they see because this is you as you. This is why I love doing this show because it's not like my TV show. You know, there's no preparation as it's me as I am and you as you are. But I'm guessing your family on the train or on the RV after you get the shit out. This is how they see you, right? You they dad's like a cool guy. You're very cool guy. Or my youngest because I did it to her one time because she's she's very funny. And she played my daughter in Santa Claus and by accident. Really? That's your daughter. Yeah, it's a Sandra Clause. Wow. And so I wanted to dinner. She's given me bits, you know, because she she reads scripts with me. You know, I do a lot of my bits. I try it, you know, I looked at her one time. I just said, I mean, she was I go didn't land. And I just did it under my breath. She goes, and my wife goes, oh, that's what's hurtful. And I go, no, I just that's why I'm not laughing. You can't make it to you. You can't you can't make me laugh. So now anytime I do a bit that just kind of I'm working it, you know, you work a bit a little bit. It doesn't work until you get the time right. Mike, you're just or now didn't land that didn't land. And now it's become kind of annoying. Oh, that's funny. Oh, she's that it's not funny. That is funny. Because now I don't know if it's working or not because she's not. But it's good to have a little inside joke in the family. Yeah. No, I was going to say this you know, I don't know because I keep these subjects are so bright is this is why I said I took my family to Jerusalem. I've never been there. We went to Cairo, which is different. I'm yes, different is coming at night. There's a four seasons hotel. I think that's where we stayed for the night. You know why this is gorgeous of Nile and the city. You wake up in the morning and go, what are we leaving? When can we get out of this? This is horrific. The traffic, they has no, when Mubarak was taken out, they were zoning one away. So people would just build buildings in the middle of the street. And it the nicest staff at the hotel, I had security detail that took us around. I wanted to see the pyramids which we viewed from a pizza hut, which is right across the street from the pyramids. And there's a share to no tell you don't see that in any pictures. No. And then there's a pizza hut. A pizza hut. And one of the best pizza huts I've ever been to in Cairo, which was startling. This is that Giza. Yeah, the pyramids are right there. You talk about aliens. How close can you get to the pyramids? We went, took a tour. It took the camel ride. You go right into pyramids. If you go in, if you want them, the big, the Giza you go in. You can. There's an entrance. Yeah, I'm a claustrophobic guy. So there's a little tunnel that's like this. Then I went, you know what? I don't want to do that. Right. But people do that. They shimmy into the shimmy into the thing. Did anybody give it stock? No. No. No. The the the alien thing that you say came with me. I said, please anybody. These don't belong here. There's nothing anywhere near. I say just everybody that's been near them. There's nothing like this on the earth. Why'd they stop making pyramids like this? They make all there's they make pyramids the Aztecs now. Those are step pyramids. These were covered in white onyx with a gold top. And they're in an L shape from and 30,000 feet. It looks particularly like some sort of a marker of something. But there's nothing like the pyramids. Cut to we went to a. Those are big blocks. It's made. How did they make sense? How did they get the blocks there? Well, there's some guys that say the Nile used to be much closer to them and you can just slide them up on the mud. There is a way. I have this argument with somebody and they did make a very compelling argument once with one word. I said, how did they get all those giant very heavy blocks in that age? And they said, slappers. It's kind of true. Yeah, they had slaves. Well, and then this fucker's story was locked over the paid very well for the time. Zero. Zero. Well, but here's and I get to Jerusalem. And number one, it's not anywhere near what you can to visualize. I was there. It's Palestine is right there. Right there. And it's just a fence. There's no guards everywhere. And he says, you don't see this on CNN or anything else. It's right there. He says, there's really no problem. And you go to the border and we want to see Bethlehem. They said to gate. And there's a Jewish guard on one side of Palestine. And he goes, and they they both waved each other open the thing. Then you have to get into a Palestinian driver's car. And he drives you to Bethlehem. He goes, there's a little shopping mall by there. And it was not what you think. And it's not what I thought. It was not I don't know the problem was. And as I studied it, if I don't know, it depends it called historical priority. It was Donna Hurn who this wonderful woman who was one of Reagan's historians who passed away. She's just brilliant woman that said as she goes, historical preference. And it's a terrible term to me now. It depends on when you want to start. Historical preference. Yeah, because people say, well, if you start here, then the Palestinians have a point. And if you go back two days prior to that, they don't have a point. And then it where you want to go in history. Say that I apologize to my point about the kids don't know about the history and don't care. I had this argument with someone recently. And they were well, one I had right here with someone on the show. And I think we're still friends. But I mean, it got very heated about I said, you know, if you had to live in the Middle East, where would you live? Don't you think it would be Tel Aviv? And you know, it's Cairo versus Tel Aviv. I mean, I'm sure they're lovely people in Cairo. But as a woman and she's wearing a sleeveless dress, I don't think you'd be comfortable there. And I had this other discussion with this other person. And they were like going on about colonialism. And I said, just when was Muhammad born? No clue. No clue. And they're like, what does that matter? Well, it matters a lot because there was no Islam before Muhammad. So does it matter? He was born in 570 AD, right? Okay. You have no clue. Yeah, I couldn't get it. Say BC AD, the fact that King David had a kingdom 1500 years before Muhammad was even born. It is relevant. It is relevant. It's very relevant. It's not to say that the Palestinians don't have a right to that land also, which again, the state of Israel has acknowledged from the beginning. Can we just share it? Do they know? They're a little tired of asking the question. Well, and not only that, mistakes have been made. And I said, so my studies went back to Greek origin of both parties. Hebrew, which is a Arabic term that means migrant. Really? So they might have both might. We're saying that again. Hebrew is an Arabic term. Is there a Arabic term? So they all migrated, and they could possibly, and someone's going to say, "Where'd you read this?" And I can't even remember, is Palestinians or Philistines? Yes, Philistines. Philistines and Hebrews were actually related. And they both came up. Philistines were the Hebrews, right? Yeah, they were just a class, a different class. And so I'm in this story, and a lot of this stuff, I was going to wake up and they said, there was two tribes come from Greece on that era, Gaza, and they wanted to land, deal whatever, whatever the problem was, they said, "Well, we'll settle this like a wrestling match. We're not going to fight it out, it'll be you, your strongest soldier versus our strongest soldier." Oh, okay. And the Hebrews had nothing. Yeah, they did that in those days. The Philistines had one called Goliath. Goliath. And it wasn't a giant, it was just a big guy like the rock. Right. And the other guys could have was, you know, Tom Selik, he just did, it didn't work out. But the Jews had David shining down. Well, he didn't. But so I make it not again. There was his last name. People don't know that. They don't know that. So David, he goes, "I can take him." And he's got the little loincloth on, whoever happens, I think he just went like, "Wacked, knocked Goliath out." And the Jews said, "Well, they go, we did say it, we're not happy about it. You can do what you want to do." And I said, "So that's just a story. Not too. I'm in Jerusalem." David was the king. It did happen. Some version of that. Well, there definitely was a kingdom, a thousand years before the first crisis. Yes. David was the king of. Absolutely. There was two kingdoms, some Judea and some areas. Yes. There were two kingdoms. There was definitely a kingdom. The Welling Wall is still there. Still there. I mean, it is a Jerusalem. It was still there. It was a wall of the temple that the Romans destroyed in 70 AD. All these creatures in our, so whatever you call us, Satan's or whatever. Or the fuck you call us. You're in Jerusalem. And then the guy, he was Zionist guide and his sister was a Hasidic Jew or the very religious Jews are not Hasidic. And we got to go to the end of the old city and be with her for a minute. But he was Zionist. He was really not. He's Jewish in heritage only, but he was not a practicing Jew. And then he had to know where he go. And that's where Jesus walked through here and then he got, it never occurred to me that the dude actually existed. Right. Well, he may not have. Not according to this guy because he said that's where he did. That's Bethlehem. This is where he walked. This is the Zionist guide said at one point, okay, he goes the probably the strongest, most powerful Jew ever and then my kid who's been in Catholic school. She goes, sir, I go to a Catholic school in North Hollywood and he was a Christian. Oh, my God. And then I'm looking at the guide. I'm going to say, sir, let's not have a argument. Let's not have a fitting year old. This is the kind of thing I say to them. It's okay that you said that to me, but just don't say that to anybody else because they'll think you're really stupid. Really? And that's like a major one that they don't get. The whole Jesus was a Jew that Christianity came out of Judaism, that, you know, for the first hundred years after Christ died, it was sort of a debate. They were still known that in not even a debate. Now, this is this last trip I want to take my family to see that a G in islands. In a long story short, we went to walk these islands because I wanted to see Santa Athens. I love Greece. I love Greek food and I love being there. I had no idea who Saint, I got to get him, Saint Paul, his name is Saul, actually, it's Jewish. Saul of Tarsus. Saul of Tarsus became Saint Paul. Saul over Greece, you're going, right, I've read about him. I went to, I was an accolade, he was Greek. He was Greek. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the Paul was Greek. Saul, Saul was this, and I'm paraphrasing because I'm reading this, now I can read this guy. Saul was sort of a Tarsus. That's not Greece. No, it's present day turkey, but he was a Jew. He was a prosecutor. Everybody was a Jew. He was a prosecutor, but he's a zealot Jew, prosecuted, prosecuted, prosecuted, and then undoubtedly gay. In here. No, really. Okay. He's very hostile to women. Right. In his prosecutorial thing, he changed his name to Paul, and he said, this is a story, I'm telling you the story, and four of the people with me on the road to Damascus, a light, so bright, blinded me, Jesus shows up, you know, McCommie says. That's your fricking problem with me. And he goes, oh God, we screwed up because you damn right, you screwed up. And he told us at lights, he said, you went back to Jerusalem's guys, we screwed up. I think we did kill the actual living entity, whatever you call them. What they had to do to fulfill the destiny of mankind. Whatever it was. And he said, so I think we've got to include these pagans in the Judaism, and they went, oh no, that weren't any, you don't have to be, you don't have to eat no pork. You don't have to be circumcised, which goes like every comic's done that joke. The first guy that was circumcised, he's going, hold on. You want me to cut this? That was my joke. That was my bit. What do you mean comics? That was what, that was my first fight. Oh, you're right. You own that joke. I did. You want me to cut. You want me to cut the tip of my what off? Correct. That's your joke. Totally. I think, yes, I promise you, I could show you the films. I want to see it. This is 1982, but this is what happens to good humor sometimes. It gets like through the midst of time, like it just becomes like, you know, generic or no, somebody actually always came up with the first joke. Somebody once said, you know, I spent a week in Cleveland one day. And now everybody, but somebody actually wrote it and I wrote that one. This is the weirdest thing about comics. I promise. I listen. The tour with Kippa Dada when I first started out. And this guy, on stage, his timing was so freaking unbelievable. How he paused between, I was amazing. So I stole his timing and never stole his jokes. And then I go, Robin, God bless him. If you were doing bits in front of him, there's a chance you'd see your bit on stage in a version of that. Tim Thomas, I'm punched him out. Right. Just for doing that. Doing that. Punched him in the face. Oh, I saw him in an early on in my career, same with prior. I said, I wanted, Carlton to come see me because I'm really getting hot. And I said, I don't see other comedians because there's a good chance is I will absorb some of your material. Same thing to me. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then who is it? Oh, God. The guys are so funny. He's white. White. About an hour is it down. That skin tone on the name of the name of, oh, his name is white. Yeah. Bob white. No, no. But anyway, my wife, I loved you to scream a little bit. He was really active. God. Sam Kennison. No, that tight type of my wife saw me doing a big show in Detroit because, you know, you're starting to do that guy and I go, I am, aren't I? I'm doing my routine like that. Really? And I did this one with Rich Jenny, who passed away. He said, we toured together for quite a while and at one point in Atlanta, we flipped acts. He did my act and I did his act. It was fucking brilliant. And I said, why couldn't a comic do that? Like, they cover music. I go up there. Hey, everybody. I'm going to do a little bit of Belmar. Go and do a little Jerry Seinfeld. And I'm end up with Richard Pryor. Hope you enjoy it. And just do your bits. If you mentioned that your bits as them. Yes. Wow. Jenny did my bits so stupid that they were funny. And now you got your own plan. But I had to rent. I was enjoyed it. Oh God. I, this story only is because I'm embarrassed because I thought they were environmental. I thought because they blow clean air and I'm a car guy. I didn't know idea that planes, I can't talk about an environment or anything because of that. Yeah, but it's a horrifying thing. It's a pleasure to find out that you're like so interested in so many different things in such a deep level, but not that I thought you were just the tool and car guy. But I think, you know, I mean, look, you like to play that part. I mean, it works great for you. But you know, you're kind of like Leno. Like a lot deeper than you let the public see. Well, thanks for that because I said, Leno is like that. He is totally like that. If the I/O, I think if Jay would, the things that twice he's done this one, like if the public could only see how incredibly funny you really are and they already think you're very funny and you are very funny. But you're not even close to like how great you are when you just like let the guard down. Oh, well, I said, what an, but in a good experience this is, I just, I just, I'm going to get, oh, this was what it, I'm the same Paul thing going to go back to that because what he said, I love it. Listen, I'm going to change it into what's happened in my life. I was a philosophy major in Paul. He's now, he's a stoic. So he's a Greek philosopher. Now he's a, he wants to include the pagans into the Jewish religion because they think we shouldn't have murdered this guy, Jesus. He, I think he was telling the truth. So as, I'm not going to be a prosecutor anymore, I'm a Jew all the way. I'm a Jew. And they go, we're going to kill you. He goes. Let me finish. Let me finish. But he did this, he goes, and several times he goes, the problem you're going to have with that is I'm also. a Roman citizen. So they couldn't--every time he says, "Take me to court, but you got to take me to Rome," and they're going to put me in front of the magistrate, and he's going, "He's committed no crime against Rome." And he said, "Something very intuitive that I'm still studying," because I--he says, "Law was basically invented to develop sin." Without law, you don't know what sinful is. So law was basically just to give you guardrails of what the world is. And what you're going to get--what you're going to find is the cycle of ignorance with philosophy. And that's where I've been in the last 20 years. Philosophy gets run in these circles. It can't explain anything really. And this guy that changed my life, Wiggandstein, this philosopher, said, "I really don't know that the words I'm saying to you are--if I was in your brain, I'd go, "What the fuck are you thinking?" And I was getting very depressed about this, because he says, "I don't really know if anybody knows what anybody's--we're lucky we're even getting through stoplights." Then I'm on stage one night, and a brilliant light hit me. I go, "Bullshit! Bullshit! I make a living making people laugh because they know exactly what I fuckingly." Yeah, I feel the same way. I'm doing stand-up in this big auditorium. Where was in Denver? When I get into these 5,300 seaters, I feel like a mega star with the balconies, and I get--you think that's funny. When do you get the bit on this? You are a mega star. You have two franchise movies. That's a--but I said that wasn't the purpose of-- No, but the stand-up is what I love. That accounts for that. Yeah, people coming out. But they listen. The reason they laugh at my stand-up is because they know exactly what I mean. Well, that's the one great thing about stand-up, or if you could look at it the other way, a terrible thing is that you can't buy even one minute of their love if you're not really doing it. Right. Like, no matter how big a star you are, you can't fake laughter. You can't fake it. You can do it for a minute. For a crowd will be like so excited to see a star walk out that they'll give you a minute of just nervous laughter. After that, you are on your own. You are on your own. You are just the day you started doing comedy. No difference. No difference. No difference. There is something about that honesty that appeals to us in a way that nothing else in the business can. There's nothing out like it when I get--there's a couple bits that I-- It's honest. It's more about timing. It's earned. And they love Dave starting to laugh, and I says, "You wait, you see what's coming." And it did--prior did it to me. Psalm. I thought I was going to throw up. I laughed so freaking hard at that guy. And everything--every thing changed in my life. I'm going to see you a lot. Oh, man. You're going to throw up? You're going to throw up a little funny. You want to leave. Hey, why don't you make you vomit? Or shit in your pants tonight. Well, I'm going to feel like a total failure. But put it in the holding tank. It's the black water and the gray water. And there's a little vent. Gray water, I feel like, is a good name for a tribute band. The gray water, that's good. You know, like-- I don't know. Doobie brothers did have black water. There you go. Doobie brothers. Black water. Black water, this is a whole black water. A tribute band that gets rid of your shit. Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought that up because I love the Doobie brothers. I do too. In concert back then. Look, great band. Great band. Same with the Springsteen. I mean, that's where we get the term Doobie, is it, huh? Yeah. Does it? I think so. Yes, I think they were known as Tokers of Medical Marijuana. I didn't know Jay Giles band, I saw it. I was in Giles. I was the booking guy for my university. Now, you've lost a lot of the audience. Not me, but you've lost a lot of them. Jay Giles. Jay Giles band, it's called Full House. Gold or yellow album cover, the cards are all across. I was the booking agent for my college. I went to see bands to book for a thing. Some of you guys said, "You gotta go with me down the center of ballroom in Detroit." Captain Hook and the medicine show opened up halfway through their act. The crowd's going, "Boow, get off the stage." They want to see Jay Giles band. I go, "This is rude." That band came in. My life was, I couldn't, it didn't throw up, but the over hour and a half, I've ever seen a concert that hot, where it's over and you're sweating because you were dancing the whole time. That band was so, what rock ability in the book? And I'm going to come back in 10 years when I'm 80, and say Jay Giles, and I guarantee I'm going to say, "It's not my law firm." Is that those two Hispanic guys who stand on the buses? The two brothers. So, are you a fan of a lot of obscure? I feel like Jay Giles band is fairly obscure. Well, I was a platinum album, so I don't know. Really? Oh, yeah, it was huge. Yeah, maybe there was one. There's like, member boss gags. Oh, yeah. That one album, yeah. That like, every song was a hit. Every song was a hit. But this is all alone. Whether that's not, I love it. Is that not the greatest ballad ever? A little embarrassing. I'm working in Vancouver, a big venue, outdoors, sold out, boss gags came by, his manager goes, "Well, boss gags is a big fan of yours, Tim Allen." I go, "Well, great, and it's a huge venue." And I see, he's here. Yeah, he's playing tonight. I go, "Well, is there another venue?" He goes, "No, he goes, "Where are you playing? Are you in the amphitheater?" I go, "Yeah, where is he? He's in the bar." Then I went, "Oh, that way, in the bar." Yeah, but I'm bar. Yeah, bar, you know, but it's 50 people drinking. He's in the lounge in the bar, boss gags. I went, "Oh, that's a paying gig?" Yeah, it's a gig. I've been on the road where I go to gigs that I see major fricking guys. I once was in Vegas and Gary Puckett and the union cap. Well, what do you mean, well? Well, they had four giant hits in 1968. Do you remember 1968? I know you do, because it's cars. Chevy, it meant a great Camaro, yeah. What? Chevy made a great Camaro in 1968. Oh, my God, you and you. What did you do with comics and cars? You and Leno and Seinfeldin? Like, what, what is this? I have no connection to cars. What is this comic car thing? I have no idea. I have no idea. But did you see New Horton and Rikkels do their bit on this? No. Maybe. Oh, Christ, it's funny. How about why? Rikkels was a dog in New Horton the whole time. Because they're best of friends. What a loser. That I know. What a loser is. What a loser is. New Horton goes, yeah, it's tough, you know. But the lounge worked good for you. Well, I was in the major. It was good. Rikkels worked the lounges. He worked the lounges and New Horton was in the showroom. Oh, okay, yeah. That makes sense. But he constantly mentioned it in the go, yeah, that's right, right, Don. But, you know, my wife and I would always see out there in the lounge. We catch it after the big show and we'd all have dinner. And then Rikkels, I love those two together. I love those. That was it. I love to gather or separately, I mean, you know, like when I was a kid, when Rikkels was on the tonight show, that was like occasion, especially when it was the summer. When we could stay up, I feel like it was off in that. Jonathan Woodson. Oh, because Johnny would come out to the West Coast in the summer, remember? Yeah, yeah. It was a big thing that tonight show on the West Coast. And Rikkels would come on and it was like an occasion for the family to gather around the hearth that was the television, the Magnavox or whatever we were watching. The hearth. And Jonathan Woodson's brilliant pieces on the tonight show. Charles Grodden was, oh, Charles Grodden was a great talk show guest because he was the only one who would like make Johnny uncomfortable. I know, it looks like he didn't want to be there. Boy, how much longer ahead of him? And would get into, see, the paradox of Johnny Carson was he was the biggest star to, no matter who he was talking to, he was the biggest star, which is an odd sort of thing because the bigger star is asking the lesser star questions like, but that's why Johnny was gracious on the show. On the show, you know, he was like, oh, let's hear about you. I mean, you're saying he was wonderful at that. Yeah, absolutely. He made you feel it was all about you. Right. He was really good at that. He was also a giant thief. He stole the answer man and lifesavers from local Wock and Tomahawk from Steve Allen. Right. He stole and Blabby, Wock stock and Tomahawk and made it into, um, his and Blabby was Jonathan Winters. Somebody, some of the character that Jonathan Winters do when Johnny used to get into the dress and the wig and do it in Blabby. Right. He was just doing, he was just completely ripping off. He did it shamelessly. Johnny, it was a hard man. What would it take to get back on the, doing concerts? It's just too much prep for you? A combination of things. One, um, I'm 70. Um, I don't sleep well on the road. Yeah, yeah. And if you don't sleep, well, you don't shit. If you don't shit. There we go. And there we go. Yeah. I wasn't even going to go there. I nearly fucking go. I wasn't even going to go and just bought a new walker. Yeah. Not that. No, but like, but it's chrome. It's beautiful. It's an air maze wall. So like the people who run hotels, I don't know what happened with that generation, but they're either stoned or they're, uh, disaffected or whatever, but they can't do simple things and the hotels themselves. I'm talking about five star hotels. I, this was using a pry-pick. it plain and five-star hotels. There was still so much aggravation with going on the road. I mean, I stayed at the Plaza Hotel, which they were so nice. They would black out the windows. They volunteered to do it. We heard Bill Sleep's label doing like the Elvis thing with the silver foil. I mean, they could not have been nicer. And then one time I stayed there and the TV didn't work and couldn't work. And they sent up an engineer and they couldn't get it to work. I was like, "Okay. I guessed TV. That could happen once. I'm not going to throw them onto the bus." I was staying at the second time. TV didn't work again. I was like, "You fucking people can't make a TV work in a five-star hotel." Well, it's difficult to explain. Make it seem like it's your fault that's how to get to it. You know, television isn't as popular as it used to be. And yet you have managed to have all these sitcoms like in an era when they don't do it anymore. Or these days people go literally go, "What's ABC? Do you literally have kids in my younger daughter's--?" What's television? Kind of. They're like, "Oh, no. Is TV on here? I take it to a movie because we love our movie night." And she's watching the movie like this. The movie's on. And I go, "Hey." She goes, "I got it." Like, she's so used to this seven-second intervals on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever the hell she was. And she goes, "Click, Dick, Dick." "Click." And she called, "Click, Dick." I get it. I just don't-- I don't know where it goes. And then the little one, my older one, is back to TV again a little bit. But I said this, the situation now is curious, because I work at ABC. And that's all about what ABC can do for Hulu. Yeah. Sure. So why are we doing eight episodes? It used to be 22. And I get what sounds like this, but I'm sure they meant-- they go, "Man, it's all of it, it's a comic he has a little elixir." And a serious people will sit down and go, "Just could you slow that down one more time?" I think I heard the first part, Tim. It's simple. We have--there's a matrix that we have that's in-- that's what I'm going to gently go, and I wouldn't be seeing someone. Then I feel so stupid at that. "Pew!" I've got--I've got this. And then I got a major player that--one of my studio people, it's ship-is-ailed. It's a simpler system. People like this. And I why snapped. It was when I was happened, SAG and the AFL, the unions, all of us were talking about this strike. And I was involved in this. I said, "Just outline--we're not trying to get more money. We're just trying to get what's coming to us." But you've taken away residuals on this. It's simple, the ship-is-ailed. Nothing better than getting a good comic man about something. But it is really--it's like the best thing you can do. It's get him angry. Get him--get a good comic man about something. Well, I'm saying it's just--it's just something takes over. You've been to Vegas many times. You see, gambling is only good for the casinos. There's one guy because I don't gamble. And the guy--it's just like self-help books are only good for the self-help books. The guy author, right. The guy in Vegas, I was up like three in the morning and with John Fox, and we were running on downstairs. And I go, it's like people screaming at craps. And I told one of the guys, "Teach me craps." And he goes, "That's like showing somebody how to do heroin." And he goes, "If you haven't--if you don't have any interest in it, you're better off just giving the door man $100. Help him out. But you're never going to win. This hotel is huge because of losers. It's exactly--it's losers. This is the thing is losing. It's the greatest industry in the world. People give you money for nothing. For nothing. And Trump couldn't make it work. No. He couldn't make work in industry where people give you money for nothing. Was he gaming? Was he Atlantic City? Oh, yeah, it's right. When you said he wanted to be a producer, I had never heard that. You know what, that's the plot of the, you know, the "Almore Leonard" movie with John Travolto. Oh, good one. What, you know, when I'm talking about Charlie Palmer? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that movie? What is that? There's like two in Michigan. There's like two of them. They're great. Yeah, Travolto's great in them. But he's the guy he's the gangster who wants to be a movie producer. Well, that's right. What is that? What is that? It's a famous movie. I'm stoned. You're not. You should be able to go over that. Travolto's and there's a sequel. They're both fantastic. Trump looked at me and he goes, well, what, and we're talking about, it was, the Academy Award winner was a net game of Thrones, the other one, the Hobbit, not the Hobbit of it. It was the four movies trilogy. Rings, Lord of the Rings. And he goes, that was a funny bit that he stole. He used it. He says, "What do you think it's going to win?" I go with, it's Lord of the Rings. It's up there with three movies. He goes, "Is it good?" I go, "Actually, for that sort of movie, I've read the book, and it's, yeah, it's very well done." He goes, "I should, I should watch that." And I go, "Done, it's, it's three, two on, two on our movies. It's six hours." I mean, I don't know, you're plane flight. And he goes, "Well, I could watch it in, you know, done." You're rich enough. You could get somebody to watch it for you. He cackled. He laughed so fucking hard at that. And then he does it. I hear it in the long. Now, they hated me when I reported that he listens to you and that he laughs and that he never once, like, objected when I contradicted him or went up against him. He's a completely different guy. Different guy in person. Right. My friend says he has undiagnosed Tourette syndrome when he gets in front of the camera and then he does. I think that's what it is. He's Tourette's, is that? When you're behind this scene, when you're just privately with him, you know, these, you're going to humanize him. Well, I hate to tell you, he's a human. He's a crazy human who, like, is the president. So you're going to have to talk to him no matter what you think. Right. It's just so stupid. But he's what great guy to him. He goes, "So what was the movie you're talking about?" And he says, "So if we got a studio together, let's say the movie cost, you know, a million six or a million 20." And then I said, "You had to double that at least for the promotion." So you got 210 into a movie, 200 million. He goes, "What if the ticket sales are slow?" You lose. And he goes, "Have it, do you get to make up the loss somehow? How do you make up the loss?" He said, "Well, there'll be some tax benefit, but you lose the money. That's how come the studio is struggling. Looking for winners. You amortize your loss with losers or winners." He goes, "Oh, I go." He went, like, completely decided at that moment, "I'm not going to get in this business." He says, "If I buy a bad building and it won't sell, I still have the fucking building." Right. "If you have a shitty movie." No. And he says, "No, this is not an easy business." Every movie is like a startup company. Yes. I mean, a startup, if a angel in Silicon Valley gives you 200 million dollars for a startup business, which they do, that's a big business. Right. But that's what a high-end movie cost is. Right. That's a startup. And maybe it's going to be a success. And maybe it's going to be a big loser. And he said, "The fact that these guys did it, and I got it, it's the things have changed, and I don't know where we are right now where people go." The people that have visions that Alan at Disney, that Alan Bergman, he has this passion that he used to be, like, the latest animated movie from Disney, and it slips from my mind. I saw it look in his face, and it's going to beat the Tom Cruise movie that was the new one for. Maverick? No, the new one where he was in the. Oh, Mission Impossible. And it did. It beat it. The box office, one of these things. And they had that passion again. Where it used to be on the Radford lot. There was cottages all along the side where writers would come out. How about this? How about this? And we've lost that. There isn't. You were really smart to get into cartoons. No, really. Well, I mean, that's where the business went. But what I'm saying is that I. It's been a couple of big stars. The business out here is not the business that I signed up for a long time ago. The passion was to entertain people. Yeah, but about the money is. Come on. No. Toy story? Oh, that. But what do you think we're talking about? Well, I'm talking about my. The way this is. Or Santa Claus. I mean, they're both. The movies, but when you do streaming, they can't do either one of them without you. Yeah, but when you have that kind of leverage, come on. However, if you're talking too much, you're like, you can buy your own plane. You had to go there again. That I flew it. But it's a mischievous man. It was a red on the side. I just have to remember. Yes. What's with the red? No, no, that's not mine. No, that's the old one. I have another one. Oh, you have another one. I have a fleet. I guess I got the old one. Yeah, now I find out about you too, now when I get the shitty old plane. No, no, no. No, no. I was always happy to have it. But it said, in my defense, I never wanted to own. I love. I love airplane. Because if you don't love them, certainly we love private planes. Well, no, but I love that. That's what I'm saying. I flew on one one time for Disney and they took me to two cities for home improvement and they said, we're going to get you to Florida and I said, we're flying to Atlanta and for anything they said, the average person in Disney said, just why don't you just use the plane? I go, I'm not going to ask the studio to use the plane. She goes, we fly people to Cabo for a fishing trip and you're going to go to five cities to sell a billion dollars for the product. I think you deserve to take the plane but don't pause when you ask for it. Just say, send me the plane. Don't say, "Please, you know, if it's OK, if you have enough gas." I did a thing about two years ago. I should send it to you if you haven't seen it about, like, people who take private planes. And I was just like saying, I mean, it was a whole thing about the environmental, which I would like to think I'm still an environmentalist. I certainly think there is an environmental crisis. But I was saying we have tried for 50 years to try the method of shaming people into doing what's right. Plainly, that doesn't work on Americans. Well, you know who said it best was the terminator, Schwarzenegger. And he said it by one of those things that you want to get annoyed by him. And nobody gives the shit about climate change. He said that. You may be said it. Because nobody cares about climate change. Pause. Pollution, we understand. The world here. We're climate change is so broad that you go past. Yes. Right. Pollution. You can handle pollution. Things of that nature. And I so agree with them. Climate change is real. I get it. What can I do about it? We're useless plastic. I put solar on my house. Anything I can do to lower my carbon footprint. Well, all that moisture that you did, Tim, didn't add up to one millionth of the trips you've took on that. And I took. He was gone. No, but it's true. But, you know, you can't private plane shaming. But that was the point of the bit I did. Yeah. I was saying, like, we have tried this. I'm an environmentalist. I believe it's a problem. But, you know, using a cloth bag is not going to fix it. That's it. And the plastic, by the way, that everyone separates, like, 95% of it winds up where it was going to anyway. Anyway. Which is the ocean. So just don't fuck with me. And then I showed a picture of every celebrity who claims to be a giant environment. Don't get me started on that. So I don't say it. So, like, as long as there's 6,000 flights a day, me doing one more, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be on Greta's sailboat, OK? Because I hear getting the shit off that thing as a mess. But I said that Arnold Comet, I said, I'd really like his frame of mind on many things. But that one, he's so right. Give me a problem I can deal with. With the wording climate change, it makes everybody feel helpless. And you're right. There's nothing like. It's too big. It's nothing like feeling helpless to get people to do nothing. They had a strike in Paris a few years ago. The yellow jacket's striking. It was about, you know, Macron, who I think is a very smart guy and wants to get in on the climate issue. And it's all valid. But the guy said, you know, he's thinking about the end of the world. I'm thinking about the end of the month. Yes. And that says a lot. You know, it really epitomizes what a lot of people think. And you have to find a way to square that circle. If you're going to make it work. Because if you're not going to do something that practically works, then we're just fucking jerking each other off. Putting the plastic in a separate bag. Fuck you. If you made me do that all these years, and it just went to the same place. You're just jerking me off. Went to DWP for the History Channel and watched what they do. Number one, I used to. I was always mad at the DWP for a variety of reasons until I went down there and saw the people that do the frickin' work for us in Los Angeles. Department of Water and Power. Yeah, they build the power wires and the grids and they do so much. There were so many frickin' hardworking people down there. I was ashamed of what I felt. Because they don't do it in my neighborhood. Streets are cropped. They do these big sisters and clean out that black and brown water. I'm talking about it. When you dump it back, they have to be done. They have to be done. And they did recycle. And you look at how difficult it is. And in a way, there's just nothing to do with it. You know, they were recycled metal with this big machine. The magnet takes re-usable metal. That's okay. And think of the energy that it takes to take the metal away from the other metal and then store it and put it back and heat it up to turn it into metal. It's. I mean, and also there's a problem of. Nobody wants it in their backyard. Right. I mean, nuclear waste. They tried to put it in a yuck-a-mountain. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still like. Everyone was like, "Who gives a shit about yuck-a-mountain?" "Oh, wait, they're gonna put nuclear waste there?" Right, right, right. "You can't do 100 miles away. You can't do that to me." Well, as I said, you were. You were aware. You look at the whole overview. There was a Texas company that I'd read that had. They were getting much cleaner coal. 60% cleaner. So, look, where you can use coal. Where you can. Smaller nuclear reactors. Not these big ones that are very difficult to screw up. You don't want the ones that can screw up. Definitely don't want that. And then one guy said, "All the nuclear waste, this is probably six years ago, would be a six-foot high square that would fill up a football field. That's all the nuclear waste on the planet." He said, "When you look at it that way, that's not very much." It's workable. It's workable. You know, if you don't want to put it. Now, where they're thinking is put it in one of your homes here. Because you've got so many homes on this property that you're not using. That's not the truth. So, I've been told by your staff that if you have. That's not true. Well, I've talked to the staff. I've talked to the staff of the staff. Because you have a lot. There's people that work for the people that work. Well, I have people who talk to the staff for me. Who do the staff? They don't expect me to talk directly to the staff. No, you don't. No, I contact. That's how I get along. You do not want looking at these people. I don't know what they eat. I don't care what they eat. Just don't eat it here. They eat what they get on the land. Whatever they can for whatever is left of the table. It's what the peasants get. I totally go by that. Christ. I just eat a lot and I scoot some of it off the table. But it sounds like you could be setting yourself up for a political run. You would actually be very successful. You're iconic. You're middle of the road. You're middle of the country. If you ran as an old school blue dog Democrat. Why the word old? Well, you're old. But a new chrome walker. We can't. We can't. We can't align that. We are who we are at the age we are. We're not Biden era old. We're not there. We are totally. You look. I'm telling you. You as you have aged as well as you can. That's the only. The only realist to compliment. I can give. I'm sorry. I'm trying to. You know, you are not. You've aged as well as you. You absolutely have. I know. You have hair. You're not fat. Right. Your skin looks good. No, but still the way I heard it. You've aged as well. You mentioned your dermatologist, which was a little weird for a man. You know, you're wearing jeans. Right. You know, your dermatologist. You know, you're missed skin cancer. Five times the lady at the Today Show noticed that she's growing. I'm not a dermatologist, but you have. That's something on your nose. Where is it? This is two years. I did Jimmy Fallon and then he did the next The Today Show. And she goes, I see you haven't done anything yet. And I'm going. I have a very prominent dermatologist in Beverly Hills. And so the bit was he goes like this. I said to find it. And I said, Hey, Doc, would you take a look at this thing on my nose? First time I've ever seen him go, hold on a minute. He put glasses on for the first time in 30 years ago. How long have you worn glasses? He goes, I don't know how I look in him. And then he he seems. He looks at my nose and he goes, Oh, shit. Shit. Janice get Paul in here in my lawyer and they all come in. And he goes, yeah, I screwed up. That's a melon. I'm about to have a car sonate because he works for Netflix now. And he had, he had, he, well, they cut half my fucking nose off. Which is a whole another story. Send me to a breast cancer guy that could take it off. But he's, I don't see any. Well, now he did a good job. He goes, he said, I'm going to have to cut most of your nose off. And he said it like that. And I go, let me explain what I do for a loving. Unless I'm going to do blazing saddles with the guy with the silver nose, I, you have to leave some of my fucking nose on. So I can do comedy without doing 20 minutes on having no nose. No, but it all worked out. The guy was good. The surgeon was good. Oh, wow. That's amazingly good. Yeah, well, that's the dermatologically that's so. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you. This is such a pleasure. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Really? You had a good time? Is there any place to be? Are we ever going to get out of here? Yeah. Some were there. You're locked. I'm getting you off right here. You're locked in here? No, no, no, no. There's a bathroom right there. All right. Right too late. All right. [LAUGHS] [MUSIC PLAYING] Whatever you want to do, we'll just all get to do is take a picture. This was fun fun. This was so much fun. Damn. [MUSIC PLAYING]