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Speaker 5Hello and welcome to the How. Not to Swap Your Kids podcast. The deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions which you can implement either for you, your family, or in an educational setting. I'm your host, Dr. Mary-Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, poise off cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today, I want to talk about how we can thrive as a single parent. Now, whether we are parenting alone by choice or by circumstance, the result of a separation or a bereavement, this is for anyone who finds themselves currently parenting solo and for everyone who is a friend, colleague, or support network, for anyone who's parenting alone. Now, single parenting, I think, and I was a single parent for a period of time, for two years, and actually when I was thinking about starting this episode, I hadn't really put two and two together. My mother was a single parent when we lost our father when I was 11. And that was an active choice. She chose not to seek another partner. It was an active choice. And I would say actually it was probably hugely instrumental in making me who I am today in a positive way, and yet single parenting is often talked about in terms of struggle, but rarely in terms of the strength, the tenderness, and the resourcefulness it requires, and certainly the latter parts of that, you know, the strength, the tenderness, and the resourcefulness is how I really think about how I was parented by a single mother for 50-odd years. And today I want to examine and I really want to unpick the practical as well as the emotional sides to single parenting, how to navigate the stigma, which is there, more on that, and how to build stability for our children whilst also caring for ourselves in the process. So I really hope that you find this episode a space for self-compassion, for honesty, for reassurance and support, and not judgmental or comparison, which is why if you're listening and you feel that this would really benefit someone that you know, please, please do share the episode. So I just want to start, I guess, with a little bit of myth busting. So 25 to 30 percent of children live in a single parent household. The data depends. It goes up as much as 40 percent, but that's kind of the variance. So a third of children are raised in a single parent household. And yet we continue to be told the story that the nuclear family, for whatever that is, is the gold standard and everything else is somehow broken or second best. Yeah. You've heard the narrative, lost boys. Yeah. Where they, you know, they lack a father figure who is responding because we're single parenting as women, we have somehow deprived a whole generation of young men because there is no father figure. Maybe a selfish mothers. We're choosing to parent alone and also working. How dare we do that? And the inevitable conflicts in how to parent when we're co-parenting in separate homes. So this is what society, this is what the social narrative gives us. And yet the research tells a very different story. Studies show that there are no differences in children's grades, academic grades, their sibling relationships or their friendships between single parent and two parent households. And in fact, in one study, which looked at adolescents, teenagers raised by always single parents. So these are parents that have, whatever circumstances, they have been a single parent. It hasn't, they've not become a single parent through bereavement. They've not become a single parent through separation. They have always been a single parent. So single parents that are living in multi-generational homes actually reported the highest levels of well-being of all family types that were surveyed. Why? I wonder whether it's because it goes back to that conversation, that narrative that I've said a number of times, because they had the village basin, they were supported by that network and that village that were all hands there helping. And so what the data clearly shows is what matters is not who lives under the roof, but the quality of the relationships and the parenting practices within those walls. It's not who lives under the roof that matters, but what we do in terms of our parenting practices, and they've just got a little kind of statement that I think is a helpful narrative to continue for ourselves. But also something that we can say to our children is that our family looks different to others, and that's OK. What makes families strong is how we treat each other and not how we're organised or categorised by society. So just remember that little statement. So in this episode, we are going to look at it in three ways in terms of thriving as a single parent. I want to approach it by looking at the three main areas of understanding and reframing stigma, because let's face it, that's a huge part of the narrative that goes behind single parenting. The second bit I want to do is actually, what are the practical parenting strategies that we can employ? And the third is around self-care and community, because self-care and community, I mean, it's important in any kind of parenting, whatever your dynamic looks like, but it is even more important when we are the sole responsibility for the culture within our family, for the practical day to day, as well as all of the other things that we do. So let's dive into the understanding and the reframing stigma, because I do believe that this is still a big bit, because many parents carry an invisible pressure. They worry about being judged or about not meeting society's expectation because, of course, the narrative continues to be this nuclear family. So a lot of expectations that we read about and that we see are outdated. But the reality is that our family structures look different for many reasons. And the bottom line that I want you to take away, if you take nothing away from this episode, is that children thrive in loving, stable environments, regardless of how many adults are in the home. So ignore that society still tells us that we need to have this, whether it tells us directly or indirectly, explicitly or not explicitly, that a two-person family is best. But it is not the case. The data simply doesn't live up to that. And what I would say is part of the when we think about the sort of the stories that we're told is we often talk about having we're concerned about how much our children consume and the messages that our children are bombarded with on social platforms or through media or social media or what they see in the press, what they read about, what they watch on television. And yet I think we don't often extend that same warning ourselves, and particularly when it comes to that thought of thriving as a single parent, is that we don't take care of ourselves and we're not mindful of what we consume that reinforces that narrative all of the time. So one way that we can approach this stigma is to think about it from the lens of a circle of control. And this is something that I often do when I help sort of young children who find themselves struggling with big emotions. You know, those hula hoops that we would have had as children that we would have done in our early games lessons, probably in primary school. If you were to imagine that you put that hula hoop on the floor and you step into it, I want you to think about that hula hoop as being your circle of control. So everything within that circle is what you as an individual can control. You can control your behaviours, you can control your emotions, you can control your thoughts. Now you may be saying, Mary-Hen, I can't control my emotions, sometimes they just happen. Or I can't control my thoughts, I get this random stuff. Okay, I'll give you a certain element of grace with that. What I would sort of reply back is that we can choose which thoughts we are going to respond to. We can choose how we respond to emotions as they arise. So when we're thinking about the narrative that we're fed, and we can't control other people's narratives, we can't control what other people believe, we can't control what other people say. But we can control our own. And whilst I do know that this is easier said than done, I do know that most people are too busy worrying about what the world thinks of their parenting to really have the dedicated time to think of ours. Although we do still have this overarching narrative. So for me, if we're thinking about that, it's almost as if we accept that there is a social narrative out there, that it's changing. But it's not changing fast enough to respond to the reality that over a third of children are being raised within single parent families, and thriving as a result of that. So instead, it's a what can I do to protect myself as the parent, and therefore, because I'm protecting myself, and my self care is even more important for my children, is that we can start thinking about reducing that stigma by recognizing, first of all, our own internal messages. What have we absorbed? What have we taken on as sponges from the social narrative that then we continually work on? So you might choose, I'm giving you the option, whether you choose after this episode to reflect on these three simple questions. The first one is, what stories do I tell myself about my parenting? What stories are they? Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe the children, my children are going to be less than. They're in a disadvantaged situation. I can't provide for them in the same way as a two-parent family. Whatever that might be, what are the stories that you tell yourself? And then the second question is, where did these stories come from? And my guess would be that a lot of that will be the stories that you have been told, that you have consumed, or without even realizing, have come to you. And then the third question is, are they true? Even the not, the stories are not true. They're not true at all. I've just given you the data. Children thrive in single-parent families. There is no data to suggest that they're any more disadvantaged. Because the reality is, the tribe that a single parent has around them mean that our children are not disadvantaged in that way. And that can be really helpful. So if you find yourself in that kind of downward spiral on one particular day, and that narrative that you're less than, or that your children are disadvantaged, that can be really helpful. And that can be really If we can just get into that practice of like, what story am I telling myself right now? And where did it come from? And is it true? Then that can usually help us unravel that. And I think those questions are probably helpful, even if the story that we're telling ourselves has got nothing to do with us being a single parent, but maybe everything to do with what we think we're doing as a parent that is failing our children in any way. So there are three really great questions. So that's the first area that we're going to talk about. And then the last one is, how do we where we're sort of dealing with and understanding and reframing this notion of this parenting stigma? So what about parenting strategies? What can we do as a single parent to help our children thrive? And what I would say, and this is the case in every family structure, is that consistency is a hugely protective factor for children. Children love simple routines that are pretty simple. And so I think that's a really good point. And I think that's a really good point. Predictable. Yep. I can tell, you know, I know that this happens. Now, we understand that life doesn't happen in a predictable way and things are always going to be thrown at us. We have to be adaptable. We have to be flexible. Those are also super, super crucial. But if we have certain simple routines that can be really helpful at being protective for our children. So those simple routines may well be predictable mealtimes, or they'll be predictable bedtimes, or maybe weekly routines that create a certain element of emotional safety. So as a single parent, it's not always easy when you're working as well to be home in order to put children to bed, for example. But you may well have specific connection time at other times of the week. So it's really thinking about where are the predictable routines, those simple routines that my child sees as a real safety net for them, because you'll probably find you've got a lot more in place already than you think. And what I want you to remember here is that you don't need to be doing everything. So when we talk about these simple routines, like predictable mealtimes, bedtimes, weekly rituals, they do not need to be, you don't need to be the one that's doing all of these. All that we need to think about is that we do the things that are important and we do those things consistently, because that then provides that safety and it does not have to be us. It's about, being emotionally responsive. That's really what the data suggests is that in those moments where we are available, not all moments, but the moments that we are available, that we respond in a way where we really attempt to meet our child's needs. Now that can be clunky. We can do it messily. We can do it in a way that our child still has a complete and utter meltdown. But if the intention behind that is to meet their needs, is really trying to respond, to how they're feeling in the moment, then we can do absolutely no wrong. So those are some of the parenting, the practical strategies.
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Speaker 5The other one that I would say is about setting boundaries. Yeah. And quite often we think of boundaries as being a really strict parent. You know, boundaries are like, you can't do this, you can do that, you can't do this. It's actually, boundaries reduce children's stress. They reduce children's overwhelm because it goes back to this notion of predictability. I know that there are really strict boundaries around my bedtime. I have my lights out at eight o'clock. That happens every single night. And whilst I may try to push that boundary periodically, and maybe in the school holidays or at weekends or in certain times, those boundaries get flexed. But there are boundaries in place that are typically a more often than not. So by being, by having boundaries, we're not being harsh, we're not being strict, we're not being unkind. We're actually creating a really safe and overwhelm-free environment for our children. And I think the boundaries piece, I think, for single parents can feel blurred at times because there's often a huge amount of guilt associated with being a single parent. It goes back to that dynamic of being a single parent. It goes back to that dynamic of the narrative that we tell ourselves that our children are disadvantaged in some way. And so what can happen, what we can do, can find ourselves guilty of is maybe we've been working a lot. Maybe we've had a really big project that's meant we've come back late or our children have ended up having to go to grandparents over the school holidays. Maybe we've not made that school play. Maybe we've not made sports day or whatever it might be. And we feel guilty, whether we're a single parent or not. We have all of this guilt that, oh my goodness me, everyone else has made it and I can never make it. And my child's going to be crying in the corner and thinking I'm an awful parent. And so what can then happen is we're then in danger of not really setting those boundaries because they're driven from that place of guilt. And yet if we consistently apply those boundaries, regardless of the guilt that we feel, but framing it very much in this, I'm actually doing the best thing for my child. I'm reducing their stress levels. I'm creating predictability and that safe environment for them in which to thrive. Because if you think about it, just even from a sort of animal type thing, we're mammals. Yes, we live in houses and our food, we collect from supermarkets and we've got nice warm beds and the rest of it. But fundamentally, our children, in order to grow up and become these resilient adults that we want to raise that are then independent and seeking out their own journey in their lives afterwards, what we want to do is try and take away all of the stresses and anxieties around knowing that they've got a safe home, knowing that they've got a predictable routines, knowing that they have these sort of little rails of boundaries that they need to stay within, these lanes that they help navigate. When you have that and you have that predictability, that allows your child to then go off and explore, to take risks, to try new things, to push themselves out of the comfort zone because they know they've got this huge safety net. And maybe think of boundaries that way, that boundaries are the safety net that always catches our child regardless. And then the last thing that I would say when we're talking about practical parenting strategies is, you know, choosing our battles with our children and creating household rhythms and learning and then leaning into that connection during those challenging moments. Now, of course, our children are going to push boundaries. Of course, our children are going to naturally try and play with the status quo. And that's part of their, you know, their, you know, their development is that how far can I push that boundary? You know, how far can I break rules? And what are the consequences regarding that? And how compassionate is the connection when I make mistakes as a child? You know, does my parent really try and meet me and understand where I'm at? So the lens with which I see the world while still holding me to very clear standards and values within our family home. Because those are the important pieces that matter. So it's about understanding that we want to keep those consistent boundaries. There are some battles that actually I find when we're, particularly when we're in a situation maybe where we've got a child who is really pushing boundaries or we're dealing with a certain amount of challenging behavior. Maybe you've got a child who just simply isn't going to bed at bedtime, but they're also pushing the boundaries in terms of there's an awful lot of back chat and they're being disorganized and you have to ask them 25 times to get anything done for them. My view is always choose your battle. Really focus in on what's the one thing that I can focus on now that will have the most impact on the atmosphere in my home and would have the most impact of changing some of this constant, you know, loggerheads and battles. Because when you focus on one thing, you're much more likely to be consistent than when you're trying to do too many. And that sends a very clear message to your child, we are dealing with this bedtime issues because I believe that because we're not getting to bed on time, we're not getting, our body's not getting that opportunity to recharge. And therefore that's what's leading to these other things as an example, but choose the one thing each time, work on that, be consistent. And once you've made impactful changes there, then look to sort of seek out a new one. So we've talked about stigma and those three questions that we can ask ourselves. We've talked about some of the practicalities of stigma and those three questions that we can ask ourselves. We've talked about some of the practical strategies. I want the third, I shouldn't put this at the third. I was just thinking about it. I should have put it right at the beginning because actually when we are, for us to thrive as a single parent, it's about ensuring that self-care and community are even more important. And I would frame them this way. As the solo parent, every decision that you make in terms of your self-care or not to have that self-care, you are either allowing yourself to have the energy to truly advocate for your child. So when you have taken care of yourself, when you show up each day as to parent, you are advocating for your child. And that advocation requires you to be able to take care of yourself. So please don't get confused with this idea of self-care as anything like a spa day or anything grand. Yes, it's lovely to have those, but self-care is about that whole bucket emptying, is ensuring that your bucket is sufficiently empty so that when you're showing up to a challenging moment, when you're setting a boundary, when you're trying to connect with your child, when you're trying to show up for work, whatever it may well be, is that your bucket is sufficiently empty for you to have the energy or resources to be able to do that. That's kind of at the fundamental. And it's asking yourself, what do you need for that to be the case? Now, that could be a case of you need to pick up your child from school, after school, or from daycare 30 minutes later, because 30 minutes gives you a chance to have a phone call with a friend. 30 minutes allows you to have a quick workout at the gym, a coffee, a walk, a browse, whatever that might be. That might well be it. And rather than having the narrative and the guilt that says, but I should be picking up my child and going home because I've got 30 minutes with them. But if your bucket is not empty, if you are exhausted and overwhelmed and you need to reconnect to you, having your child, picking up your child half an hour earlier is really, it's counterproductive. It goes back to this whole notion of self-care is child care. So it's just thinking about what might that look like for you. I've given you one example. Another example, it may well be that you sort of enlist some support. It may well be that someone else takes your child to school. It may well be that you sort of enlist some support. It may well be that someone else takes your child to school or someone else picks up your child from school. Whatever it is that it needs to be for you. And it will be different. For me, it was always having time and space to think. I didn't need necessarily, certainly until they were much, much older to have that active gym time. But what I did need for me was utter silence. No requests of mummy, mummy, can you do this? Mummy, mummy was just simply 30 minutes of literally silence. I didn't put music on. I literally just had 30 minutes to be alone with my thoughts with no specific structure. My journaling and mindfulness habit came years afterwards. But just for me, that peace of no requests, no demands, sitting wherever I wanted to sit and just savoring my morning cup of tea. That's what worked for me. It'll be different for each of us. So just thinking about what do you need? And then who do you need to enlist? In order to help you with that? Is it grandparents? Is it friends? Have you got a tribe where you may even be supporting another member of that tribe? And it may well be something that you're doing collectively. So it's about reducing overwhelm and emptying that bucket in small and realistic ways. So moments of rest do matter. Adult conversations matter. Asking for support is a strength and not a weakness. Because community buffers stress. We talk about it for our children. Our children have their friends, have their tribes that buffer their stress, that they bounce things off. It's the same for us. So even one supportive person can make a measurable difference to your well-being. And so it is thinking about what might I need? Who may I need to enlist? And reframing that narrative that is outdated and not helpful. That actually, I'm being weak by asking for help. Whereas actually, and I think for me, the reframe that helped the most was about this, me being able to advocate for my children, and how important it was that I had ensured that I had taken care of myself. To some extent, you're not going to be able to take care of yourself and be totally chilled out. I think that's impossible. But I do think at least creating some space during the day allows us to advocate for our children. So I hope that whether you're listening to this as a single parent yourself and parenting solo, or whether you're listening and actually it's really struck a chord because you've got a friend that is going through this and you'd really love to be able to show up for them and be more of a support. I hope that it has helped. And of course, if you have listened to this and you think it would be helpful, do share it. They'll thank you for it. And as always, if you enjoy listening to the podcast, and you haven't yet done so, please do share it. And if you haven't yet done so, please do share it. so then why not take take a moment to rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. A carnival cruise vacation, gift cards from DoorDash, and Best Buy. Heal then play in the McDonald's app. Get your bag.
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