Threesomes, Dating Apps, & Knowing Your Desires with Bryn Daylor

If I've got, I don't know, maybe five or ten minutes and I want a quick release, you know, the kind. I know the exact toy that'll do the trick, or I know the exact friction and rhythm to deliver with my hands in order to do it too. But if I want to slow things way down for a totally different experience, when I'm not in a rush, when I can spend some true quality time with myself, there's some very specific accessories that I like to grab. Sometimes I blindfold myself, or I dim the lights really low. Sometimes I use a feather, up and down my arms, while vibing music plays in the background. Sometimes I get as much of my body involved as I possibly can. I run my hands through my hair, down my face, and I let my fingers dance all over the surface of my skin. I put pressure on my inner thighs, I take my sweet time seducing myself before ever touching my genitals, and when I'm properly warmed up and efficiently lubed up, one of my favorite new bedroom accessories to reach for is the Omic from Ioba. I'm not sure what mechanism is in this thing, but the toy has a little nub that rotates at different speeds, so it mimics the sensation of being orally stimulated. It's nice, it's light, and it's quiet. Sometimes the sounds of my toys can actually take me out of my experience, so a softer, quieter toy is incredibly appreciated. I make sure to take deep breaths as I let the pleasure and sensation build, breathing it throughout my body, and when the time is just right, I pick up the speed of the rotation and I ride a full body wave of ecstasy. This is one of many acts of devotion I choose to regularly deliver to myself, and it's not about what my partner can or cannot give to me, it's about taking time to be with myself in my pleasure, doing anything and everything that feels good for me. If you're looking for a quiet, high quality, beginner friendly, super cute vibe that doesn't actually vibe too hard, my personal recommendation is the Omic from Ioba. See the show notes for details and a discount. I'm Alexa, and you're listening to that sex check. Let's all fire production. Hello, family. We are long overdue for a conversation about dating. Yeah, and really excited because I can't really tell you about dating. But I do have a Brynn, who many of you are familiar with Brynn, she's been on the show a couple of times, so she's back to talk about something totally different. She's come onto the show and she's talked about what it's like to be a sex coach, she talked about her journey navigating personal stuff and divorce, and now we're on the other side of that. We are fertile, we are dating, we are living our best life. She's on the prowl, so I can't think of a better person to have a conversation about sex and dating than you. I'm going to keep it very real. You'll get the first hand real experience of what my dating life looks like. Cool. Well, also many of you know, because I've said it on the show before that nothing in sex and love co would exist without Brynn. So she put together the questions that are available for me to pull from, and I'm totally going to make them up. 100% yes. I mean, most of our conversations go this way where we have a little bit of structure, but then when I let you just go, magic stuff happens. So well, thank you. You're welcome. So, okay, so I'm just going to jump right into post divorce, like that happened slash is still happening. It is a long as process the longest and it doesn't have to be I think ours particularly went long because neither one of us for a while were spearheading the conversation. And once I started to make more of a concentrated effort around the divorce happening, it started to shift and move, but it doesn't have to be a long process ours just happened to be. And I'm going to forever forget to do the thing that you told me to just to keep the mic by my face. So here we are. I'm just a gesture to you every now and then with my hand and push the microphone and basically eating it right now. Yes, that's exactly what I want. So going through that process, you know, for anybody who wants to hear the precursor to this conversation, then go back and listen to the conversation that I had with brand about life chapter one. Yeah, chapter one. So we'll consider this chapter to we're currently in the middle of the pages. Speaking written or stuck together. Yes. So what has that process been like of I'm done with this person. This chapter is now closed. I think I'm going to get back in the South. I think one of the first times that I realized that I was ready to start dating was the charge around my previous relationship no longer existed in my body. I could see him with other women. I could talk to my friends about who he was dating. I could see him on Instagram with another person and that other person. This is my loyal Leo. If you haven't had one of those in your life, you absolutely need one. I'm kidding. It also not. But also not. Yes. But for real going through a divorce and having someone like that on your team is very helpful. I have a basic button, y'all. I press it and I become that basic bitch real fast. And then I turn it off. Yeah. What do you always say your basic bitches access to your highest self? Sometimes I got to go through her. Uh-huh. And then I'm like, oh, cool. There's the conscious wisdom. We choose to act anyway. Fuck that. Sure. She's a lovely person. So in the process of yeah, just releasing the charge was gone. Once the charge was gone, then there was space. Then there was space for something new because if I was constantly going around in this reactive state of the sting and the wounding of my past relationship, like that's what I would have been taking into my dating life. And so I remember very specifically. I was laying in bed. I'm 31 and I missed the dating app window. I missed the whole thing. Yeah, because your marriage was in your relationship was like 20 to 30. It was over 10 years. Oh, over 10 years. So I was laying in bed. And I had this thought of like, I'm ready. I'm ready to try the dating apps. And I started to make my profile. And I got on three different apps. So I got on Bumble. I got on hinge and I got on field. And I remember thinking this is going to be really fun. And just picking the pictures, writing up my clever, witty, sexy little bio, playing with it. And then seeing what kind of people I would attract when I changed things. And yeah, so I would say the dating app was was step one and then witnessing the absolute shit show that is dating on the internet. So for those who are like me and don't remember what it's like today, I'm totally kidding. I do remember what it was like. It wasn't that long ago, but I do my windows of dating were pretty short. You know, so I feel like while I did participate in the dating app thing and I did do that, it was just so short lived. Yeah, because my relationships the way that they unfold it. But anyway, for those who are like, she said Bumble and hinge and field, what do each of those? Like what's their angle? Sure. So Bumble is interesting because it definitely triggered some of my limiting beliefs around or like vulnerabilities, I would say around being the initiator because Bumble is meant specifically for the woman to initiate. So you get on, you swipe left or right, depending on if you like them. And if you match with this person, then I have to be the one that starts the conversation. And I can't tell you how many times I have sat in front of that damn circle going, what the fuck do I say? Like what can I say hello? Is that enough? Do I have to like have something cute and cheeky? Do I play truth or dare? Like what do I do with this person? And I've considered it basically like an experiment. Sometimes I'll be feeling a little minksy, so I'll do like a hey there with a little blushy face and leave it, walk away. Sometimes I will invite like some sort of vulnerability right out of the gate. Like it also probably heavily depends on where I'm at in my cycle. I was just thinking that it's ludial phase and you're like, tell me about your relationship with your father. Yeah, when it was the last time you cried. If you're ovulating, hey there. We face, what do you want to see my butt? Yeah. Just like all over the place. And also very quickly, I would say in, and I won't get too far because I want to cover the different dating apps. But very quickly, I realized just like sex as personal development dating as personal development on steroids because I'm addressing the parts of me that I I have not had to look at since I was 18 years old. I haven't been in the space of, here I am, as a woman, asking for, you know, a partner and looking for the person in my life to come and like, yeah, have fun with and co-create and it is vulnerable. It is vulnerable, it is awkward, it is messy, it's playful, but it's, it's pinging things that I haven't had to look at in a while. Except me, rejection, please don't reject me. Yeah, prove of me. What does this mean? We're the, yeah, all of it. Yeah, the daddy issues came rearing back. When you say daddy issues, what one specifically? One of the, I would say the most intense beliefs that I've had to unpack in my life is that like, you have to work for love and love is something to be worked for. Growing up, my father, wonderful man, we have a great relationship now and he was really young and he had me, he was 24 I think. So he was so funny to think really young, 24. Child, like if I had a child at 24, I was a child. Yeah, well, I mean, I think back in my super small town in South Louisiana, most people had had all their kids by 24, 25, it feels like there's people that I know, that had like three kids by then, by 25, 26 maybe. I mean, like, I'm gonna be 33. I didn't think about it and I like it my old enough. I'm gonna have a geriatric pregnancy, literally. I think it's like after 35, they call you geriatrics dumb. It's stupid. It's really dumb, yeah, whatever, so. But the belief was, you know, my father who's doing the best that he could, but a lot of my praise and love for him came through the way that I look. So if I went over to see him, he would compliment me on just my appearance and that made me feel really good. And so I didn't always get a lot of praise and attention from him, but it seemed to circulate around two things. My looks and my achievements. And when I did well in school, I got his attention. And when I was popular and got a lot of, you know, attention for at school like was going on dates and stuff, that seemed to also be a time that he showed me more attention. And so subconsciously over the years, I just developed, like you have to work at this to receive mail attention. You have to look a certain way. You have to be in a certain situation. And yeah, magnify that over 31 plus years 'cause I certainly did not work on that, leading into my relationship with Chris. If anything, it was the way we met, I very much still had those beliefs. And so yeah, they came rearing their ugly head back. - Like really fast, immediately. - Immediately and then you're throwing your foot out of the window for a different reason. And I was like, ah, I did it, I'm just, I did a fun new thing. And now it's like, now it's like, oh my God, why am I sobbing over this man that I don't even know? Because he triggered my inner child, my little girl. Like sure. Like oh, there's little Brynn, just trying to get her dad to pay attention to her. But now she's 31 and having a temper tantrum. So yeah, cool. But doing this all consciously, of course. - Of course, well, a level of self-awareness too. And I mean, I want you to go through, again, then hinge and field in a second. But the, let's just go there. 'Cause I was gonna go into like just the volume of responses. But we can go there after. - That'll be under field too. - Yeah, field was a whole other journey. Hinge, so Hinge is probably my favorite so far in that I like the just accessibility and the ease of it. And I like that I can be approached instead of having to be the initiator. Because it's also how I desire to show up in relationship. I want a partner that is going to lead and be able to step into if we're talking about energetics and like the masculine and feminine. I want to operate from my feminine most of the time. Does that mean that I don't want to be a part of the co-creation of our life? Absolutely not. But where I love to live is in the intuitive, present, emotional, flowy state. And I want a partner that is gonna be more in his presence and consciousness and leadership. And so it's silly as it may sound. Hinge actually enforces that because I can have partners reaching out to me and initiating. - What's different from Hinge and I was gonna say Twitter. - Tinder because there's a underlying premise like who are the people that Hinge attract and then the type of person who wants to be with a person who's this type of person. - I think one, I think that Tinder has a little bit more of a hook up culture. Whereas Hinge, at least what I've seen is a little bit more people looking for relationship. And there's everything in between, right? There are still people out all of these apps that are just looking for something casual. And what I always appreciate is whether that's on, one app or the other is honesty. Up front, people who are forthcoming with what they want, I like to get straight to the heart of the matter and to be able to really lead with honesty. And so somebody that comes to me and says, hey, this is what I want. It just takes all of the guessing off the table and that I can lean into and that feels really good. - Because you on the other end receiving that can go, do I want that right now? - Yeah, because for some people to come and go, I'm just going to see what happens. Having that idea of let's see what happens, be prepared for a lot of things to be presented. And then to have to ask the internal, have your internal dialogue, do I want this? Does this check boxes? - What are we? - Some people, it's okay to, oh, there's a hook up. Okay, am I into a hook up right now? Cool, let's go do this thing and see what happens and not try to make it something more than what was presented. Then maybe on the other end of the spectrum, someone saying, I'm looking for my person, available for my person. And so someone presenting a hook up for you to go, oh, that's not what I'm open to right now. Thank you, no thank you. All of it, the key is doing it with intention. Whether it's a hook up, a threesome, a relationship, it's really being cleared. This is what I want and that's taken me time. It's taken me sitting with looking at past relationships. I'm a firm believer in using the past to help you in your reflection. And really being able to see what didn't work in my marriage, what worked in my marriage, what didn't work in my past relationships. And so I'm taking all of that data and using it to now bounce it off of another human. And it's a game, I'm having fun. And I think the times when it hasn't been fun is when I am getting too serious, I am in my head too much. I become too needy that desire and longing for a partner becomes overwhelming and suffocating instead of playful and light. And I'm bringing more of a magnetic energy versus a clause out energy. And I've had both. Same, same. And I've watched the clause like Wolverine start to come out and I'm like, don't do it, don't do it. It's the beginning of the end. But he's so hot, he's so sexy, he's so good. Perfect. Yeah, I'm telling myself those things that I want now, even if they weren't the things that I said I initially wanted coming in because he's just so perfect. Yes, in there. So I was under the impression that hinge was for entrepreneurial people. Is that not accurate? Not that I'm like aware of? Certain type of like a certain profile of person. Maybe get all sorts of people on hinge. Well, well, I don't know if maybe that was when it initially rolled out because I never played on hinge. OK, I think it wound up becoming a thing right around the time when Jordan and I got together, maybe just before that. And maybe it is. I think there's so many entrepreneurs in Austin that's also what I'm constantly seeing on those profiles. And yeah, I've met all sorts of people on hinge. I think the main thing too for me is that I like to get off the apps relatively quickly. And so hinge for me, sometimes I'll say it playfully. Sometimes I'll be really direct. But just last week I said, what's a woman got to do to have a man take this off the damn app? Because I'm tired of opening this app and messaging you here. And that in my nervous system first is somebody that just says, hey, I love your profile. We have one or two exchanges. I'd love to take you out for coffee next week. It's like, oh, you know what you like. You're clear. You have an intention of doing something with this. We're not fucking pen pals. That feels really good. For sure. Well, I think for so many people, the gamification of the app because I mean, that's an app developer, the company trying to operate and work. Have the app work in two different locations or two different places, rather. So trying to have the app hit those reward centers for people to keep coming back to the app. Oh, that's so true. So trying to make it legit where, like, encourage people to actually meet in person. And I bet there was a whole other level added with the whole COVID stuff that like totally people just wanting to get the hits of dopamine and affirmation and all of that. So that's such a good point. Because there's this one guy I can picture with dumbed face, he constantly, I don't, at this point, I'm convinced he's not a real person. He, He constantly shows up as new to the app because he must delete his profile, take a little break, come back on, but when you're new, you get pushed in front of more people. And we've matched several times, we'll have a brief exchange and then he disappears. And I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what are you just messaging hundreds of women disappearing, coming back? It's just such an odd game to play. It's really weird. That people who develop these apps with all these cool things in mind had no idea how it was actually going to shake out. There'd be fuck boys like this deleting their app every couple of weeks. Yeah, whether it's fuck boys or people in general that show up and then disappear and ghost and there's all kinds of, have you seen the list of like all of the, I was going to say cute names. They're not really cute. All the names for things, no, have to look this up. Names for what? Names for things that people do when they're dating. And you're acting on dating apps. Breadcrumbing. Yeah. Breadcrumbing. Yeah. Leaving little, so like this person a little bit here and a little bit there. And it's like all of a sudden five months have gone by. Yes. And you just have these little tiny tastes, I still haven't had a piece of bread. Yeah. And there's like something that has to do with seals. I don't know the seal. I don't know. I just know breadcrumbing because I've been breadcrumbed. I will have to look this up. So while I look this up, tell us about field. Oh, field. Okay. So she likes that one. I do. If you could see my face, you'll see I'm smiling. Field is the, I'm going to try my best to explain it. So field is an app for people who are looking to be more forthcoming with their sexual preferences. And you can go on field to have just a purely sexual interaction all the way to a relationship. But what I love about field is the expectation. And the, the culture is that it is a sexual app in nature. And so you can list your specific kinks. You can go in and say that you are a dumb looking for a submissive to play with. That you are interested in rope tying that you are a unicorn and you want to be involved in three sums. And you're looking for a couple. There's all different types of kinks that are encouraged and welcomed. And what I also appreciate about that app is people will tell you exactly what they want and there's not a lot of chit chat in the middle unless you want it unless that's something that you're into. And so again, I don't know if this is just me as a human like my Virgo generator capricorn self. But I like, I like directness, I like getting right to it. And so until I don't, because sometimes there is a very subtle difference between knowing your preferences, knowing what you're out there looking for and crossing like, consensual boundaries, right? Like, because I have had fun sexual exchanges on that app that felt playful and light and sexy. And then I've had some that just took a dark turn very fast. And I was finding myself going, well, what went wrong and why am I getting a dick pic when I didn't ask for it? Yeah. There's definitely, I would say, opportunity for more like, oh shit, like, yes, borderline traumatic situations there. But I believe that it's, people are so upfront and forthcoming with what they are looking for. You're more likely to get what you actually want. Yeah. Absolutely. And what I really appreciate too is, because I've had some interactions go sideways. And I'm really working on using my voice at something I'm consistently working on. And in dating, it's a great time for me to practice. And so just last week, I had somebody that we hadn't talked about boundaries yet. We hadn't talked about desires. And he, very out of left field, sent me a message saying that he couldn't wait to come for me tonight. And I thought, okay, we have not gone there together. This is absolutely not something I gave you permission to talk about. And so I'm for me. Get the fuck out. Exactly. And so I wrote back to me, he said, I don't know where that came from, but that was way too much. And that doesn't feel good. That doesn't fly with me. And what could have happened was he could have said, fuck you. And we could have gotten nasty and instead it actually turned into an open and honest conversation about why that was too much. He's still not my person, but I was really proud of the way that we are both able to actually navigate the other side of the conflict. Because to me, I was like, this is not okay. And he received it. And that was a person I met on field. So it's so interesting because field is more of the kinky, you know, app, granted there's other kinky apps too and websites and that kind of thing. But what I have found over the years, whether I was dating or just working with clients in community, is that when the community is kink focused and forward, unconventional or non-monogamous, alternative relationship andarchy, whatever you want to call it, when it's that as one of the focuses, if not the main focus, that there's so much communication and personal growth, whether people show up in our expecting personal growth or not, it's happening regardless because of the level of communication. Yeah. You know, if you have a particular kink or a particular desire and it's very specific, like you want feet in this particular shoe, in this particular thing, and that just rocks your socks off, pun intended, then you have to be upfront about those things. And so it's like people aren't, you know, dick it or no, or are they? Or are they? So it's like the more specific you can be, which requires an individual to be that closely connected with what their desires are and understand boundaries. And yeah, I just, I see so much beauty in those spaces, when from the outside looking in to just look at what the people are talking about, it's like, oh, what is going on with these two. I feel dark, right? Yeah. It's twisted. It can appear that way for people who are not, you know, the untrained eye, so to speak. But, you know, I remember one year for my birthday, I was in St. Petersburg in Russia. And I lived on cruise ships at the time. And I went out for my birthday. We had a double overnight in this particular port, which is uncommon. It's like a crew member's dream. And so we were there overnight and I had one of my best friends on ships. Her name's Naomi. I have to tell her to listen to this episode. She was on a different ship that was also porting overnight. And so all the stars aligned to have a really great night in St. Petersburg. And I remember we had a little Airbnb, a little situation and we went out. And when we went out, we had, I think we stopped by, we're kind of like the underground gay scene was and we had so much fun and we felt so free. And then we went to the next place and pretty sure this was the sequence of events. We went to a place that I would say is more cis, hetero, straight, oriented. And I was touched when I didn't want to be touched. I was like the advances on me, the way people were around the energy of the whole entire environment. When we got in there, it was just like a weird, free-for-all, like the communication. And just everything about it, I remember going like we got to get out of here. Let's go back to where people are respectful and their expression is like just welcomed and people are owning their stuff and not pushing it on to other people necessarily. And that's not to say that that doesn't also happen in different kinds of sexual orientation, culture and all that. But I'm just saying like as a hetero flexible woman who, you know, and I change what I use as my identifying terms. I've been times in my life where bisexuality has felt more in alignment for me because of where I was and what I was doing. And more now, since I have a mostly monogamous relationship with a cis man, and it by all means it looks and feels very heteronormative, I still have fantasies and visions and stuff about having women in our dynamic. And just like just to have because there was a point in time where I was seeing women. So it's just very interesting how it all plays out and what I've learned throughout all that process. But just paying attention to the differences between going into even a straight club versus a gay club and being like, oh, I'm surrounded by a bunch of people that have to talk about this stuff and have to talk about it really fast because, oh, you're a top. I'm a top. There's no budging. We're not a fit. We got to know, oh, you're from where? Oh, you want, you know, this in your life or you do what for your job? And oh, you're a power bottom. Fuck yeah. Okay. Let's keep having a conversation. So it's like an element of sex is required essentially to see if the match, you know, there's so many times that I see a little straight people. It's like they want to have all of these conversations. They want to talk hopes and dreams. They want to talk where do you want to be in your life in X amount of years? Do you want babies? All they go through all this stuff. And then sometimes they never fucking talk about sex. And then their relationship unfolds and maybe they even have these kinds of preconceived notions, the myths about sex, whatever, the condition. conditions that say, oh, I really like this person. So I should wait. Not only are we not going to talk about it, but we're also going to wait because I don't want that person to think X, Y, Z of me by the cow. And you can get the milk for free. That was when I used to hear growing up. Oh my goodness. So it's it's wild. And then you see people get into relationships. And they think that they're taking all these boxes that are like this is what I'm supposed to say yes to and sex gets to be this bonus thing. And so you hear me say this all the time. All these other reasons are the primary reasons why the relationship gets started. At first, sex is a secondary bonus thing. And fast forward through the relationship sex is the primary reason why the relationship ends. Oh, so true. Yeah. I love everything about what you just said. I was like, oh, she's getting on one. Yeah. Yeah. I'm leading us somewhere. Let's go. Yes. Because this was something that I tested the waters in the little bits of time that I was dating with, you know, within the last few years leading up to getting into a relationship with Jordan. And I exercised with Jordan. And that is leading with the conversation of sex and leading with just like I am all of these things that I consider myself like I was describing my identity aspects of my personality. So I am a Leo. I oftentimes like, you know, like I would use that I'm a manifesto in human design. I'm an anyogram three wing too. I have all these things that I've discovered about myself. And while I'm not like putting myself in the human design box or the anyogram box or the whatever, I use the language that those systems have given me. And I use them to help me describe myself. And I also describe myself as someone who really loves to be a submissive. I love to describe myself as I can be bratty. I enjoy certain aspects of kink. I enjoy certain. I love mind fuckery. I love the energetics of sex. So these are things that, you know, I need to find out if the person who I'm interacting with can meet me there. Otherwise, we're setting ourselves up for massive disappointment. Absolutely. Yeah. So the conversation now is turning to leading with sex and dating because this is a first for you. Yeah. Yes. And I think if I look back at the 20 year old version of me trying to do this, it was coming from a very different place. It was coming from using sex as manipulation and using sex to try to win over men's attention versus now sex is a part of my, it's one of the pillars of who I am as a human being and to deny that pillar and deny that part of myself would be to deny myself as a sexual open, independent confident woman. And so the conversations look very different. And we talk about sex relatively quickly. Because to me, because sex wasn't prioritized in my marriage, again, like you said, was absolutely one of the downfalls of our relationship. We were not actively developing our sexual relationship. And therefore, it came to head several times and where we were sexless or just not able to find compatibility. We didn't know what we're doing. Did I know hiring a sex coach was a thing? That's for damn sure. And so for me now, it looks, looks one of several ways. I actually don't link my Instagram account on my dating profile because I'm a sex coach. And I, I don't want to intimidate people. It's a thing. It is. And it's not to say because I believe the right person would see that and absolutely not be intimidated. But I also recognize that if right away you pull up my profile and you see that I talk about sex for a living, it just may take the conversation somewhere where I don't want to go. I don't want to be in a coaching position with you. That's a thing too. Yes. But what it does look like, though, is very early on in the conversation, I will drop exactly what you said, a line about my beliefs, what I am desiring to co-create. And I will say things like a partner that is excited to consistently explore sexually with me. And that may just be enough just so that they know that this is something I prioritize. And then I see with that one piece of information, where do you take it? Do you now try to sexualize me? Do you ask me questions about like, what's your erotic blueprint? Do you have language that set? If a man goes what's your erotic blueprint on a dating app within the first, like, I don't know, few back and forth, I'd be like, come over. Come find out. Well, first, I'm an energetic. What's yours? Kinky, the doors open. I'll text you my client. shapeshifter. Hi, here's my phone number. Yeah. And or like you said, whereas, where I'm on field and there's some like upfront conversations, and I'll like a profile, but then I see that they are submissive. I'll know right away, like, this isn't somebody that I would want to be sexual with because I want to be in a submissive role. Right. So less, you want to do it just to take it off the, you know, the list and practice, but then you'd be upfront about that as well. It turns out I like doming women more. Okay. We're going to bookmark that. So yes. I've been, well, now I have my face is purple, and I don't remember what I was saying. And that's also something dating has done to me is remind me that I am also four years old on the inside at times. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And 12 at others and 16 at 20 16 year olds. Yeah. I don't know, but is that if it's shaped like a tube, can I brush vibrates? Game over. I had my first vibrator was a Brookstone neck massager. Yeah. neck in in air quotes. It's my neck was on my vagina. Exactly. Hey, every Brookstone and every, what's the other shop? I know you're talking about I don't know. Spark six stuff. I don't know. Every, everything can be turned into. That's the joke. Right. Everything in a Brookstone is a sex toy in disguise. I did not know that, but now this makes so much sense. You know, Samantha in sex in the city. She goes to the shop and she holds up the neck air quotes again. Massager and is like my, this vibrator broke. He's like, man, that's a neck fighter. He's like, I don't care what you call it. It broke. It's like in front of people. And it's like, what? And he's like, what? And you know, over the count, over the like in between the aisles is like, what is that? So good. Anyway, and that's what really popularized the, I think more or less the Hattachi, like the magic wand, because it looks like that. So anyway, we'll have to put that on the promo stuff for the show. Yes. The interesting places you and I will go on a podcast. We have range. Yes, we do have range. So, okay, you've been dating and you have experienced some success on field in particular. Right? And we're still like curious, maybe about hinge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, fine. Where we're at in life, uh-huh. Daming women, jumping into threesomes and navigating this submissive side, fields of the place. Yes. Okay. So tell us about, if you don't mind, tell us a little bit about some of the successes you've had, maybe in some conversations that you've had, because like, maybe it doesn't end in you meeting or hooking up or anything like that. But the conversation was really like, oh, that was really helpful. So maybe if you have something that comes to mind there, and if you want to jump straight into the thing that I know you want to talk about, that's also available. Well, that was great a success so far. So, um, and just so y'all know, these are the things we talk about in our weekly meeting. So she is fully up to date on my sex life. That is what is like to work for sex and love co is on Monday morning when we check in. I talk about the great orgasm that I had on Sunday. Yeah. Because it's an important part of the work that we do and also who I am as an individual. Yeah. And that's important. Like the quality and the health of you and your sexual expression affects how I'm able to connect with you because it's how you are connected to your own self and your own body. So those are important things when I lived and worked on a ship and I was the manager of my team. Them them. I was really good at that job. I was like leaps and bounds better than a lot of other women in the company, which was pretty fascinating at the time. I was like one of the top five employees in the next like ranked women woman was, I don't know, 20 spots below 15 spots below something like that. And when people would ask me how did I do and what did I do? I said all of my team members, I start talking, I started talking about their relationships and their sex because having an open dialogue and the space to be able to do that is so valuable. So you have to have someone who is holding the container that can really hold it because otherwise it can borderline kind of creepy. Yes. You know, if I, if I were the team member and then there was some guy that I didn't really know, it was like, so tell me about yourself. It wouldn't really go over so well. Doesn't hit the same worked for me. You know, it didn't work for some of the other people then. But that was one of the main ahas I had that wound up leading me to start writing and developing, which I don't know if I have mentioned this before at time. I don't think I've ever heard of this. I would ask them and I was reading and absorbing a lot of sex or oriented information at the time, and so they were the only people that I spoke to regularly. That's really why I heard conversations like this. And I was also exploring like BDSM and King and stuff at that time. So I would share that stuff. And so the way that we would bond and laugh and cry and all of this together led to a team that was more connected to me because they were more connected to themselves. And they sold more. That's so cool. I love that story. They sold more. I sold more. We just really vibed. And I was able to recreate it a couple of times. And so I was like, oh, this is a thing. That's so smart. Because if you think about it, people will joke about like, I have my work self and then I have my private self. And then I have my, you know, relationship self. And if you can show up in any relationship and bring all parts of you, chances are that is going to be a place where you thrive. Because if you think about sex love relationships, that is if not the biggest bucket, the biggest bucket for people in their world. Yeah. Work is one. And then their relationship is the other. I tell you what, they're going to come in. And if they're struggling or stressful or some, like something in that area of their life is agitating them or absorbing, you know, the main capacity in their brain. It's going to affect their work. Walked in the door. And now it's work time. They're giving you like a quarter of their capacity because they're very distracted. And as soon as they have someone go, Hey, what's going on? What's coming up? And no matter what it is, you know, if you get like, Oh, nothing, it's fine. It's personal. Okay. Great. Give it to me. If you are a safe place, absolutely. And you can handle things being told you in confidence and all of that. It can go, Oh, I can exhale. I'm seen. I'm felt. I'm heard. I'm validated. My feelings are validated. Not that I'm right. That other person's wrong. Whatever the situation is, but I'm just validated in my emotional experience. And it's like, Okay, I can I'm I am given permission to be here and also show up for work. 100%. And I can't tell you how many times I mean, you know, but for the people listening, how many times in this space that I've been in where these things have affected the way that I show up and you've given me permission to just be in the office, have a good cry, talk it out. And then I get to show the fuck up because I've moved the energy and it's not just sitting under my skin all day. So my God, I could not just like let you stew. Right. Oh, it's so uncomfortable. Oh, she's got like a tear right underneath her face. If I know if I asked what's going on, it's just like the floodgates are going to open. And it's beautiful. It's beautiful. The whole process. I even feel my eyes getting a little, I don't know if it's allergies or the conversation, but my eyes are getting tingly like I have a deep commitment to this. And creating a culture and a community and a company that all the parts of you are acceptable. And and they're going to have and they're going to flow and you're going to come in. You're going to be like, yeah, I went on a field day and I did this and I did that and I crushed all my interviews and everything is organized. And there's going to be days where it's like I can do absolutely nothing. I'm a mess. Nobody loves me. I am so insecure right now. My day was bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. It goes to be both. So let's shift the vibe one more time to successes. To successes. Yeah. So this is sort of perfect too because it is the culmination of all of the work that I did with you. I mean, literally almost gosh, has it been two years, two years of actively working on my sexual development? And what that is looked like is getting really clear in my desires, getting really clear in my boundaries, getting really clear on the parts that I'd like to explore my fantasies, unpacking stories around like why I couldn't have that or having shame for being openly sexual. And I was on field. I was exploring and I'm having a conversation with myself of hey, you are in a very fun space where you are single for the first time ever with all of the tools that you need to be able to navigate this with the support in your life. Like let's have some fun. And that turned into I started to change my preferences for what I was looking for. So at first I was only looking for men to play with. And then I changed it to couples. And I thought, well, this could be fun. Navigating a conscious threesome could be a hell of a time. And field is overwhelming in that people just love to click away on that app. So I think within 24 hours of being on field, I had like 590 something. You as a single chick showing up saying you're interested in playing with couples as well is like millions of couples to be. Oh my god, unique heart. So. And then I had some language in there about like looking to explore deep submission with an experienced dumb. And I've had to shift some of my language because I'm like, that is attracting some very creepy humans. And bringing it back it. So I go on I'm looking to explore a threesome. That was my intention. And I didn't desire to date a couple per se. But I wanted to explore what sex would be like with two people. And I right away, I got very lucky. I see this couple. They have beautiful photographs. So I'm like, you two look like you're out of a magazine. And the language on their profile right away showed that they had high emotional intelligence. And that's a non-negotiable for me. Like the way that they wrote about themselves, how they would be involving me in the process. It was just very clear that they had done their research. Whether or not they were experienced, I don't know. But it was clear that they knew what they wanted. So right away, I think I matched with the husband. And we have a couple of exchanges. And he tells me right away, I'm going to bring my wife into this. And that was move. Great move because there was no secrecy. There was no. I'm really attracted to you. But there's another person that we haven't spoken to yet. So right away, it was a three-way chat. And it felt, I think this is a great reminder for me. It felt useful. Light and fun from the get go. Amazing. Just playful banter. Asking each other fun questions. Being able to have like a little bit of sexiness, but also talking about intentions from the get go. And I just had a really good feeling about them. I love the way that they interact with me. And yeah, I'm excited to see where this can go. And so we got off the app. We continued texting. And it becomes very clear. They weren't living in the same city as me that they were going to be coming to Austin. And so we were going to have a date, the three of us. And I know. And I remember telling you, like, I'm going on a date with a couple. Oh my gosh. We were in the car on our way to the ranch visit. You're like, I have news. That was the first time you maybe mentioned it. Yeah. This is one of the perks of you working in a company as a sex coach and with other people who are with with other sex coaches. Yes. You know what I mean? So you're very supportive. You're very supported. So like, you can change your preferences and know that you will be held in all of the feelings that come up. Yes. So for those of you who are listening, want to send in an application to work with the sex and love co team. Before you change your preferences, we can help you with this process. I'm very well versed in it now. Yes. Yes. So we get off the app. We're talking. They ask me out on a date. And we have the best time. I mean, we shut down the restaurant. The conversation is just flowing endlessly. And we said from the get go, this will be a solely conversational having fun, getting to know each other. So relaxing to hear, especially whoever is the determined leader, say, by the way, we're going to do this thing and sex is not on the table. Yes. The first time sex is not on the table. And I've actually taken that belief going forward. Unless I'm open to that shifting, but for the most part, I don't play on the first date because I want to feel someone's energy. I want to feel, did you match who you said you were and how I receive you to be through this app? So we shut down the restaurant. They gave me a gift, which was so cute. And yeah, afterwards, I just felt this excitement to keep exploring. And so every time we talked and had another connection, it was we'd go a little further, talk a little bit more openly about our sexual preferences, a little bit more about our fears. And it just always felt organic and easy all the way up until the point where we had, we had seen each other a couple of times, nothing had really happened yet. We had kept it very light and innocent. And I'd also released the expectation that anything was going to happen, which is another, I think, important part of dating, releasing expectations. But up until this point, we had developed a friendship. I genuinely loved these people as human beings, very physically attracted to them. We all knew what we liked, but some life circumstances had come up for them where things had shifted. I was getting really busy with work. And so I just thought, like, this may be the end of this conversation. And if that's as far as this went, I learned so much about myself, so much about how to navigate these types of conversations. And then I get a message, I happen to go to Dallas to visit my family. And this is also where this couple happened to live. And we are just connecting. We were going to have dinner. And all all of a sudden it's like, oh this is is on the table again. I hope not, Mom, press pause. Please do not listen to the part where I visited my family and had my first 3/7 in one weekend. Warning you now. Okay. Continue it is by your own. So and I'm at dinner, I think with my family, when I get the message, that's like, Hey, by the way, we know life has gotten crazy and things have possibly shifted. If this isn't on the table for you, that's okay. But we're ready to take the next step. And my whole body explodes in the air, vagina, tingling butterflies. And as much as I'm joking about like all the fields that came up, I felt the most confident and prepared ever for that next step. Because I knew I knew what I liked. I knew who they were. We all were comfortable together. And it was some of the best sex, if not the best sex I've ever had. To the point of the microphone, like, why do I ever have sex with just one person ever again? Oh my God, why? Three bodies is so much more fun. Things to do. So many things to do. So hot. It felt like I was in a real life porn, like watching these incredibly beautiful people have sex. Well, I'm getting to like take part in it. We're taking turns. We're also using very conscious language throughout the experience, like asking permission. So there was, I'm just going to go for it. There was one scene where she is worshipping her husband's cock. And it looks so yummy. I'm just like, I think I'm touching myself like watching. And I want a, I want to turn. But I also want to respect their dynamic. This is her husband first and foremost. And we'd also talk boundaries. My new nothing was off the table, but I still wanted to check in with her. So I looked at her and I said, can I have a turn? And she's like, yeah, absolutely. And of course, he's excited. And so then I got to have my turn. And oh gosh, there were just like the ability to navigate though that in the moment and feel so confident. And I was confident to ask that question. And I was also confident I could read her body language that if she said something different than what she actually meant, I would also know that too. Yeah. And so that led to like the most fun, playful experience because we're all taking turns. We're all getting to receive pleasure. Everybody felt so taken care of at the end of the experience. And then we debriefed after like, how was that for you? How are you feeling? And from start to finish, it felt like a culmination of all of the work I had done in my life. Yeah. And then just being able to like fully relish in that experience and live in the pleasure versus having to unpack something or having to go that went sideways. It was like, no, I know exactly what I was doing. I knew how to ask for it. I knew how to respect boundaries. And I got to have some really great orgasms on the other side of it. Oh my gosh. That is like a fucking dream. I mean, so many people who are curious about three sums and curious about, you know, like just the idea that having another person enter the relationship or to have a sexual experience, maybe it's somebody who's in a long-term partnership relationship. And you know, it's oftentimes something that I hear and see in couples who've been together for a long time, especially a long time from relatively young. So it's like the variety in their sexual experience. They didn't really get a lot of variety and partner. And then they jumped straight into this next long-term thing. And maybe they even have kids and all of that. And so they're not interested in opening their relationship where they date other people outside of each other, but potentially into sharing someone together. And how do you do that with respect and reverence and confidence and all these things? If you've never done it before. And it's like, how do you navigate potential feelings of jealousy? How do you like entertain crossing bridges that you haven't come up against? Totally. Yes. So that is a fucking dream on both sides. And I was just about to say what it has done for them in their sex life. We were giggling all the next day texting each other. And they're like, we've been going at it like rabbits because we were just so turned on by what just unfolded. So their relationship is deepened because of it. I got to experience a ton of pleasure. I made some great friends that will probably be friends forever. Like I just genuinely love them as human beings. That's a win-fucking-win for everyone, right? And even if more sex doesn't happen, it's like a holy fucking shit look what I did. And you probably turned on by yourself. Oh, for sure. For yourself permission to do and how you showed up and that 100% so proud of myself. Oh my God. I was voxering my girlfriends after literally saying like, I am so proud of myself. That was the language running through my mind and who've ever thought that that would be in relation to a sexual experience. And a threesome, right? But that matter with someone who's not your long-term partner. Mm hmm. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. As we were getting ready to record this episode, we kind of chatted a little bit here a little bit there. And I was like, this is our fucking job. Yes. Holy shit. This is our job. I love my life. So cool. And I think, you know, our questions long on the paper, on the on the digital paper that I was supposed to sort of kind of follow, which like we said, little structure, mostly flow and magic, whatever. I just remember that the very last part, you had something italicized that said, radiate, don't date, don't date. And this idea that you've touched on a few times at for anybody who's listening, whether they are potentially a couple who's like really turned on by your story here, this experience or it's a single person who's like wanting to navigate dating a little bit better, dating more consciously. I think a few tips, if we can run down, maybe a few tips, one of them being radiate, don't date. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna touch on that one. If you can be the energy of the person that you wish to attract, nothing is more delicious than that, right? So yeah, actively practicing and developing the parts of you that you desire to call in in the partner. Me living a happy, fulfilled, pleasurable life, I become magnetic. I've watched the way it attracts people when they see me just enjoying the fuck out of myself. And again, who wouldn't want to part of that? They say a woman who is happy, successful, just live in her best life. Of course, they would want to opt in on that. And so that's been a constant practice for me. Is rather than me seeking and searching, is to really go, how can I just sit back and create a life that is so fucking awesome that of course somebody would want to be a part of it? Absolutely. And that doesn't just to touch on that, it doesn't mean embody the energy of that person exactly. So if you want a strong, masculine, whatever man, it doesn't mean be that what you're saying is be the attracting force to that. So be the polar, not necessarily polar opposite, but be polarizing in a sense of you're going to attract the thing that you want. Yes. So if you want that thing, being that thing is not going to get that thing to you. So if you are, let's say that it is because I work with a lot of type A women that get shit done, run businesses, maybe they're also moms and they just like there are a lot of times operating in their masculine. They might dress feminine or they might have certain feminine qualities, but the major operating force for them to get life and business done is a little bit more of a masculine energy. But if they want someone to have a bigger energy than theirs, it is also really super masculine. It doesn't mean double down on the masculinity in order to attract that guy. No, that is not a saying yes. So just throwing that out there and that's a whole topic and discussion for another time. Full masculine feminine polarity and all that. But radiate the radiate your authenticity, your love and your joy. And when I say authenticity, I follow it with joy and happiness and you live in your best life. When I say authenticity that also includes being self aware of when you're not in the joy and you're in the pain because when you say you show up, whether that's in your life day to day or you how you show up online, you are showcasing the whole range of your human experience. And you're not just like boohoo, woe is me or holy fucking shit. My life is so great. It's all of it. It's all of it, but you're doing it with a self awareness where it's like, Hey, I made this commitment to show all of you. You know, when I'm saying that to your audience, but it's also the people you care about, your family, your friends, your people you work with. It's like this is me. And and I'm owning this thing. I'm not pushing it over on to anybody else and making it somebody else's responsibility to deal with. I am responsible showing that I can be here and keep living my life. I've got me right. And not saying that some certain sets of emotions and feelings are better than others because they make the range. They all matter. You feel the peaks of joy and happiness because you understand the depths of despair. Yes. Yes. And so showing all of that fuck like to have someone your partner, your future partner partners, whether they're in the moment or they're through some or more some or orgy status or whatever it is. Or it's like your next person that's going to do some life with you. It's like to see that is so fucking special. And Jordan and I talk very frequently. He'll remind me every now and then that the reason why we know that we are going to go the distance, whatever that means is because of how we show up in that space specifically and how we navigate conflict. Yes. You're so much self-awareness. I can have fun with anyone. Yes. I mean most people. Right. I mean not anyone. I can have fun with most people. Yes. But I am not interested in fighting with most people. So the way that we navigate conflict and the way that we navigate the depths of despair together, really those moments of joy are like, holy shit, you're my person. Yeah. So it's pretty. Beautiful. It's pretty rad. So any other tips on the dating front before we wrap up? Sure. I would say the only other thing that comes to mind is, is go in with knowing what you want. So knowing that it can shift, but be open to being really clear and forthright with what it is you desire, knowing it is going to be polarizing to the right and wrong people. And that's exactly what you're looking for. You're looking to attract what it is you desire and repel everything that is not that. And so I've had to get really clear and standing in my truth of this is what I want. And I'm not accepting anything less than that because when I do, I am consciously telling the universe like, I'm settling or I'm okay with last then. And I'm fucking not. I didn't leave a 10 year relationship to settle again. I'm just not available for that. And so getting really clear on your desires, your, your, what you want to create with somebody, not just in that individual, but what do you want your life to look like? And you know, K with their stepping stones along the way, but for the most part, I have a very clear picture of what it is I'm calling in and I'm going to have fun along the way. 1,000 percent. Yeah. 1,000 percent. And if you go into dating and this whole idea of like knowing what your desires are, knowing what you want, have a few options for yourself unless you are adamant, I'm only available for a hook up or I'm only available for a long term partnership. If I can give any piece of advice and say, take this, don't, and I, I'm going to try and phrase it in a way that's like, I don't normally like to say like, don't do this or don't do that. But saying things like, well, I'll just see what happens is a recipe for so much shit to like come on yourself up. Yeah. Absolutely. And when you say polarizing and repelling the thing that you don't necessarily, so you're attracting the thing that you want to repelling what you don't, that doesn't mean that that thing's not going to show up, it means that you know your boundary so well that you don't even entertain it with your energy as soon as it arises where it shows up in your field. It's immediately like, you're like a no. Yep. And then all of a sudden, you know, well, maybe not all of a sudden, but through time or all of a sudden, those things stop coming all together. Absolutely. So as your energy really kind of aligns with you and what your desires are. And so if you're like, cool, I'm available to a couple of different things. Be honest with yourself. What are the deal makers and deal breakers for each of those individual things? Yes. So you can be open to more than one thing at a time. Absolutely. And still be very clear with your boundaries and your desires of each of those individual things so that you can recognize, oh, I do want that thing in that form. Yes. Please. I'm and I'm also available if another person comes in that tech ticks all of the boxes for something else. So I'm going to get off my box. Yes. What she said. So I know we need to round out. We've got other things to do at sex and love code today. Yeah. Yeah. We're business lady. I just want to share that some of the words ghosting, orbiting, red crumbing. Did you find the seal one haunting? I didn't. Okay. Submarining. What is that? Zombying. Okay. Those are a benching bench and now you're now you're time's up. You do it. You're okay. Sit on the bench. Put me in coach. Yeah. Oh, our A team. They just broke their ankles. Yeah. Chaviche. Let's go. Yeah. So many better enough. I'm fucking weak on a bench. Oh. Slow fade. Oh, fuck that. Yes. Slow fade is like torture. Yeah. And I have done that with people I've really cared about. Totally. I wasn't. I just didn't. I did the best that I could with what I had at the time. I have a whole slow fade episode in me. So yeah. So fam, I felt like because I mentioned it earlier and I said I was going to look it up. I just want to throw those words in. I might have just like threw out a whole set of language that you're like, Oh, God, look them up so that you can recognize those things in others and then yourself. Y'all finding your person or your people is no fucking joke. It is some it is a gauntlet for personal development. And if you need any help at all in dating more consciously or dating more authentically, you know who to come to. It's us. It's us. Yes. Or it could be a book, a podcast like something else, but if you're looking for any assistance in doing it differently, come see us. We got you. Yeah. Send us a message. Send us a DM. Anything else, Brynn? I love you. You're supporting me through all of this. Fuck yeah. This is our work. It'll be really fun when their relationship has come to go back to this episode. So yeah. And just think about all of the fun shit that unfolded in the meantime. So good. Yep. So so good. Alright, fam. See you next time. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you loved it, be sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode. And if you extra extra loved it, make sure to leave a five star review. I'll see y'all next week.