This Social Anxiety Trick Instantly Makes You More Confident in Conversations

Hello everyone, good morning, good afternoon, good evening to all of you out there watching this module for our series on reducing social anxiety at work and in life. So I want to share with you a presentation and I want you to start to get to the mindset of a growth mindset where you can start thinking about changing your understanding of social anxiety, knowing that it is something that many people grapple with and we are going to talk about the final installment of this series which is about shifting the focus from yourself to others which is a phenomenal technique to reduce the anxiety you have around social events, work related events and you know any time you feel like you are even being put on the spot, right? Okay, so just to recap, social anxiety is this intense fear of social situations and settings and anxiety around interacting with people, be they unfamiliar or even familiar just feeling like you are being put on the spot. So some things we might be feeling are you know a general uneasiness, self-consciousness, fear of being judged and then we can even feel some physical symptoms which can even be psychosomatic. So you can think of like sweaty palms or shaky voice or trembling or anything where you feel like you are not yourself. And then of course we know that this can severely hinder our ability to do our job, to make friends, to engage with people in a quality way, to just enjoy life and living. So we definitely want to address it particularly if it is getting the way of life and work. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about the self-focused trap. Something that you have to keep in mind though, right, is that most people are very, I'll say it self-absorbed, right? They're thinking of themselves, they're thinking how they project themselves, they're thinking how they look, how they sound, whatever kind of impression they want to make that's going to be full in full focus for them. So they're less interested in what you're saying, what you're doing, maybe not interested is not the right word for it, but they're less you know judgemental of what you think you're doing. So that should set you at ease. So with this kind of trap, okay, there's a heightened self-awareness, you feel hyper vigilant about the way you sound, the way you look, the impression you're making, and whatever other kind of self-conscious related issues rise to the surface. So if that's you know, you might have an accent in the language you're speaking, you might feel self-conscious about that, that will show up, right? You might feel like you know, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or you had a fight with your partner and that's changing the way you interact that day. So all of these things, right? And then of course it goes into negative self-talk. Like, oh, I'm going to say something ridiculous, I don't want to speak up in this meeting, or they're going to think I'm not that interesting or that I'm boring, so I'm not even going to go out and hang out with those people. And then we start to spiral, right? So your physical symptoms start to increase, you start to get the psychosomatic responses, showing up in the body, sweaty palms, shaky voice, trembling voice, just a lack of confidence and that leads to more self-focus and more self-loathing even because we're like, well, why can't I get it together? Why am I having these thoughts? Why am I having negative self-talk thoughts and all of that? And then that causes us to withdraw from events, from society in a way, if it's very extreme, you just find ways of avoiding those uncomfortable social situations. And we're social creatures by habit, that's part of our software. So avoid it to your own detriment. You might think you're doing yourself a service where you're doing yourself service, where you're avoiding uncomfortable social situations, but in the long run, that puts you out of disadvantage because you are not engaging, you're not, you know, being the social creature, you're essentially programmed to be because that social anxiety gets too much in the way. So we're here to address it, right? It's not a quick fix, but it is something that can be addressed and it's something that with time, with conscious effort, with perseverance and, you know, consistency, you will see a huge, you know, huge progress. So some of the things about how we can shift focus to others, like what those benefits look like, you'll have a greater sense of purpose, you'll feel better about yourself, you'll feel better about engaging with people, you'll feel better about just life in general. Those relationships start to strengthen because you're not just focused on yourself, you're asking interesting questions, you're really being engaged, you're asking thoughtful questions, you're not self-absorbed. And you're really trying to engage on a deeper level. And then of course, increased empathy goes up, you feel like you can understand people better, they feel like you understand them better. And then your self-consciousness goes down because you don't have the bandwidth to just focus on yourself anymore, right? And the anxiety starts to go down because the self-consciousness and the self-exhide generally we see hand in hand. So if you can uncouple those two things, you start to see a decrease, right? They kind of enable each other. The more self-conscious you are, the more socially anxious you tend to be. And the more socially anxious you tend to be, the more self-conscious you can be. So if we can uncouple those, then we start to see much better results in terms of social interaction and feeling less conscious. So the first thing, active listening is a huge one. Think about eye contact, show engagement, make sure it's appropriate levels, right? I feel like you're having to lock eyes and be totally zoned in because that can be really intimidating and uncomfortable for people if that's ever happened to you. Just do it in a natural way. And if you're on a video call, make eye contact with the camera because that will give the impression that you're actually looking into people's eyes, right? Ask really good questions, right? Can you tell me more about that or what's your take on XYZ? Or I read this article I would love to share with you. Do you think of it? You know, it's really about finding ways of asking questions that are more open-ended as opposed to those close-ended questions that really lead to nowhere. So I really challenge you to think about good questions, paraphrase and reflect, right? So what you're saying is, or what I understand from this is, or it sounds like, right? It shows that you're being really attentive and engaged and then try to minimize distractions. I know we're all plugged in 24/7. We have notifications that left and right. It's almost become the norm, right? But because it's the norm now, reducing the number of distractions and minimizing them will start to really, people will notice that, right? And they'll see that you're engaged and it's a breath of fresh air. So think about that. Okay, genuine curiosity. So I never, ever want you to fame curiosity. I never, ever want you to pretend. I don't like that saying fake it till you make it. I think that we start small, but we gradually get there and we do it in an authentic way. So you might have an easier time with this if you think of some questions ahead of time. So if you know your meeting people at a networking event, you can think of some, you know, industry related questions to ask people or ask them how they got into that field to begin with, right? What inspired you to get into this line of work? It's much better than going in kind of cold and then just falling back on yes, no questions. Like do you like your job? That's a really super boring question and people are like, what do you mean? Do I like my job? Right? So instead try to find ways of engaging people in a better way. And then follow the bits, the little crumbs people leave you in terms of what interests. So when somebody mentions something, even if it's, you know, kind of in passing under their breath, meaning they don't know what they're doing. don't really pause and talk about it. They just kind of mentioned it nonchalantly. Pick up on that, save it in your pocket, take those crumbs, put them in your pocket, and then whip them out later in the conversation or at a later date, right? Ask for details. Because if you notice somebody's enthusiastic and passionate about something and you latch onto that and then bring it up, they're gonna say, wow, this person is amazing listener. Wow, this person is super socially savvy. Wow, this person is interested in what I have to share. Low and behold, I like this person. I wanna interact with this person. I want this to be my friend. I want this person to work with me, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, so that enthusiasm that you bring will also reflect on them and they will bring their enthusiasm that drives the conversation as well. And then of course, find ways of finding common ground. Are there any ways you can find a related anecdote, share an anecdote, share a story? Any way to create reciprocity, right? They share something, you share something. They share, you share. And so on and so forth. And that way you have a balanced kind of situation of sharing and listening and learning. So that's really great. And then the third strategy is mindful observation. So to ground yourself, notice five things that you can see in your environment. What are five things that you can see? You see a table of snacks at the networking event. You see a podium. You see people gathering by the snack table. You see a person walking in about to present so what do you see? Okay, then think about four sounds that you can hear and three physical sensations. So maybe it is sweaty palms. Maybe it is a little bit of butterflies in your stomach. Maybe it is grumbling in your stomach 'cause you haven't eaten since breakfast, whatever it is. And then do people watching, but people watching minus the judgment. That's actually super fun, right? Leave judgment away and just go in with awe and wonder. That's so much better than trying to judge people. Because what these kinds of things do, this kind of mindful observation, it breaks the cycle of self-obsession, self-absorption, self-focused thinking, which is really an antidote to that mindfulness is an antidote to our self-absorption. So it's something I really want you to think about. And then doing acts of kindness, small gestures, bringing coffee for a colleague, holding doors open for people, saying nice things, giving genuine compliments, right? Acknowledging people's strengths and weaknesses, providing help where you can find help. If you see people struggling with the task, somebody is having a hard time with an excel chart. You pop in and say, hey, do you need a hand with that? Or I found a really great hack for this kind of thing. Want me to share it with you. People will really appreciate that. And then following through, try to, like I said, keep those crumbs in your pocket. Remember those bits and pieces of what people put out there, whether it be passions, they share with you, something they learned, a milestone that they recently achieved, anything like that. And maybe you follow up on something you helped them with that excel chart. Oh, so how is the excel going? How are you working? How is this course going? Whatever it is, follow through. That really helps. Okay, so how can we apply these in work? In meetings, you can take notes of other people's contributions instead of worrying about your own kind of presentation and how you're doing. And then ask some of these great clarifying questions. There we go. So clarifying questions, again, you want to keep those open ended instead of just being quiet and feeling like you don't have anything to share, focus on what other people shared and ask questions about that. Or just make notes about what people said and then bring it up and say, wow, I really like your points in the meeting. Or I really thought you ran that meeting super well or anything like that. And then with colleagues, you want to remember some personal details. So let's say they mentioned something in passing. You can reference it later in the conversation or even at a later date. And that will earn you extra brownie points if you keep those crumbs in your pocket for a couple of days and then you revisit and you pull out those crumbs and you say, I remember this, offering genuine praise and compliments for somebody's work or accomplishments or anything like that can also go a really long way. And then as a leader or a rising leader or somebody who wants to assume a leadership role, focus on understanding their vision, rather than trying to impress your fellow leaders or the sea suite that you might be interfacing with, asking thoughtful questions that really shows them that you're thinking about company goals and culture and things like that. So again, taking the focus off of you and bringing their ideas and what they-- their contributions to the table and putting the focus on that as well can go a really long way. And again, it's taking you away from that social anxiety you might be feeling, particularly with talking with leadership. Right? That could be a big one. And then in casual settings, how do we apply these strategies? Well, you can volunteer to help the host or you see somebody standing alone in the corner and you go over to them and you say, hey, I haven't seen you around here before at this coffee shop. Are you new to the neighborhood? And then you introduce yourself, right? And it doesn't have to be in a sketchy creepy way. It's in a genuine kind, friendly-- can even be professional way, right? And then if you're at a party or an event and you want to know how they're connected to the people running that party or hosting that party or running that event, you might say, how do you know the band? Or how did you meet the bride or the groom? Are you part of the groom side or the bride side? Or whatever it might be, right? And then asking for recommendations or discussing food preferences instead of just being so focused on, do I have my elbows on the table? Am I using the right silverware? Because not ever below in that growing up. And that's OK. But sometimes people might feel self-conscious of that and every culture and we'll have a little bit of a different way of what that table etiquette is. The dining etiquette is. So if you feel self-conscious of that, focus on something else. And then with neighbors, you might notice and comment on positive changes to things they did for their yard or their garden or anything, right? You can always show them that you think it's really great that they made some changes to their garden or did some landscaping or show that appreciation and show that you are keen on what they've done. So with some challenges that you might run into, start small. Start with service workers or like baristas, for example, start small because these interactions are very contained. You order your coffee, you place an order, you say a few things, some banter here and there, but it's contained. So the expectations also are very clear. You're ordering your beverage, you're ordering your lunch. So you don't have to feel like you're going to be sitting there for three hours trying to figure out what to say. Use your grin grounding techniques. When you feel that anxiety creeping, take those three breaths, start to take the focus off of you and place it on others. And then track your progress. You can open up a note keeping app in your phone or on your device or on your computer. And write down the certain situations where you felt like you took the concentration off of yourself and you put it on others. And then know that it's going to take a little bit of a time. Don't expect to ace this right out of the gate. Treat those setbacks with kindness. Just say, I tried, it didn't work this time, but I'm making progress. This is a skill that really develops over time. And the more consistent you are, the better. And the kinder you are, the more consistent you'll be able to be because you'll actually be more compliant. If you feel like the strategies are working in your favor and you're doing the best you can, then guess what? It's going to work for you, not against you. So some key takeaways here. We want to remove that outward focus and shift it to the people we're talking to. Not only are they going to appreciate the extra attention on them, but you're going to feel a sense of relief because-- as you'll feel way, way less nervous. You're gonna forget to feel any anxiety, if that makes sense, because you're gonna be so attentive to what people are sharing. You'll have that wrapped engagement, and it reduces that anxiety's power over you. The active listening starts kicking in, you're showing true engagement, and that creates a positive cycle. So the more genuine you can be, the more genuine others can be, and lo and behold, you have a genuine interaction, and you're creating really nice rapport. And then always remember trying to be as genuinely curious as possible, great showing interest in what people have to say, picking up on something they said, saving those little crumbs, saving them, and bringing them out. Or you could think of little tiny snacks, like bite-sized snacks, right? If crumbs, kind of, if you don't like crumbs in your pocket, I don't blame you. Think of little tiny snacks that they're putting out, and then you say, "Hey, here's a snack," right? Because people are really gonna pick up on that. Like, wow, they remembered that, I can't believe it. Consistency, consistency, consistency, that always is gonna get you to the progress that you want, see the progress you want. So developing these skills will take time, but the more consistent you are, the better. And I want you to this week, okay? Think about in one meaningful interaction, it could be face-to-face virtually, or face-to-face in-person practice, focusing 100% on the other person's needs and cues, right? And so what do you do? Let's break this down. So resist the urge to kind of monitor and analyze how you're coming across. How do I sound intelligent enough? Do I, you know, smile enough? Is my body language okay? Great, you don't wanna do anything where you're constantly checking in on yourself. So tune into what other people are saying, how they're saying it, what their emotional state is, and then only respond to what they share. So don't rehearse what you think they're gonna say, what their answer is gonna be without them actually saying it. And then try to use at least one open-ended question. Remember those invite conversation as opposed to ending conversation? That way you deepen the conversation. And it's really beautiful because your conversation is gonna ebb and flow. And suddenly you won't even notice how quickly time passes. You'll look at your watch and be like, oh my goodness, this conversation just, you know, it just happened so quickly and I don't want it to end. So these are some really great things for you to do. And then of course in the community, I want you to come into the community and networking community buzz space and share this with us. What did you learn about the other person that surprised you? Okay, what was something that surprised you? And then how did shifting your focus from you to them changed the interaction? So these are really great things to think about these two questions. Like I said, I really would like for you to do this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, implement these strategies, okay? These four strategies, these are phenomenal because a lot of the time when people have social anxiety they don't realize that the attention is all on them and that puts extra pressure, which we don't want, right? We don't want to have added pressure to an already kind of nerve-wracking situation, right? Especially in the corporate environment where we might be, you know, interfacing with C-suite or talking to clients or going in to ask for a raise, right? These are high stakes, high stress interactions. So the better we can be at reducing social anxiety, the better outcomes, the better communication outcomes we're gonna have. Okay, so as you go into the next week, I really want you to think about, are we shared? Think about how you can start shifting the focus. Think about those really good questions, the solid questions that you can ask. And then don't forget, it takes time, but we're here for it, right? That's what we signed up for. We signed up for progress, not perfection. All right, I'll see you in the next one. Happy exploring everybody.