This Episode Is Getting Us Fired w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% What's up everybody? Welcome to yet another episode of Two Bears, One Cave, aka The Summer Bears. I'm Chris DiStefano, this is Stavros Halkias. Halkias. The I goes after the K. Why? I'm sorry, man. It just does. I don't know. I don't know. You've taken up with my ancestors. We got Josh Zolo, aka Benson Spoon on the ones and twos. He looks like Benson Boone going through estrogen therapy. One month into HRT. Yeah, dude. The softer Benson, for sure. Yeah. I would kill to see Josh attempt a backflip. Oh my God. It would be so great to just, we do these great episodes here in New York, and then Josh just goes back a full paraplegic, and then he finally gets his wish of getting on Kill Tony. Dude, I mean, so this is it. We're here. We're here. We're dressed to impress today. That's right. We both have on our outfits of how we would appear in court. Absolutely, dude. No, dude. I got to go to court after this. I got some- Yeah. If Chrissy Court dates some disputes- You were caught shoplifting women's jorts. Yes. Because the cut is better for your hips. Yeah. I was, well, no, actually what happened was, is I was caught impersonating a police officer, which normally is okay. But I got caught by the wrong person. I got caught by the wrong cop. So now I have to go appear in court for that. And this is my court outfit- That's nuts. From head to toe, is everything was purchased at the Queen Center Mall. I love that, dude. I got, we got a Queen Center from Zara. It looks Alfani. Yes. That looks like Alfani. This is Alfani. These jeans are Guess. Oh, okay. Yep. I got the boots down here. The Chelsea boots. Chelsea boots, probably from Foot Locker. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. And this is just, but honestly, because you can't go into a Queens district. Mm-hmm. Court like too fancy. Then they'll know you're like- Right, right. Then they'll know you're guilty. Who the fuck, who does this guy think he is? Yeah. Yeah. You got a necktie on. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah. I'm coming dressed as like, this is how we would all dress at going to our cousin's christenings- Yes. At the Knights of Columbus- Sure, sure, sure. Off Queens Boulevard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is what I feel like a Queens County district judge wants to see. This guy is just being, this is him in a tuxedo. Of course. Yes. Because if you come in an actual tuxedo suit, they're going to be like, what? All right. Now you're- Well, tuxedo is insane. Yeah. It's like stepbrothers where you're like, they don't understand what a suit is. That would be awesome. You come into the top hat. Dude, have you ever been in court? Have you ever had to get cross-examined? No. No. Never? No. Never have. Just me, huh? How many times have you been? Actually, this is my second time. Okay. That's not so bad. It's pretty nuts too, because it's like they, you think it's easy because we talk for a living and we can handle situations. Mm-hmm. But you're there and a professional lawyer is catching you in every lie possible. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. And they keep reminding you, you are committing perjury. You're under oath and then they bring your girlfriend over to ask you if you were actually texting your boy Steven the other day or if that's somebody else. Why do you have a Snapchat? And let's remind you, you're under oath, Mr. DiStefano. Is it really for marketing purposes? Are you really plugging dates on Snapchat, Mr. DiStefano? You know, and it gets hard, but I think I'm prepared for this one. I know what I'm going to say and what I'm going to say for the net for an hour. I don't know who put that hard drive in my RAV4. No, no, no. I'm just going to literally have the hand on the Bible the whole time and go, I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. Yeah. So the first time you were in court, it was never criminal, right? No, no, no. Okay. The first time I was in court, I was actually getting sued. I was actually getting sued over a physical therapy thing. Really? Yeah. That's right. I forget about your past as a physical therapist. And it wasn't even me, actually. I just had to go as like, what do they call it? Like a character witness. It was my boss who was getting sued because he was, I think, fully committing medical malpractice. Really? And so they just had, they were basically- What was he up to? Dude, he's just being Russian. Yeah, okay. That's what those guys do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's like jerking off a kid with Parkinson's. No. Yeah. He's like, this will solve. Yeah. Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Just holding his hand there, the kid's Parkinson's. Yeah. Just like getting his dick jerked. Just slap. Yeah. If you jerk off a guy with Parkinson's, can you just hold your hand straight? Yeah. And the Parkinson's would do it for you. You don't have to do anything. Just oil up your palm and let him fucking convulse. Yeah, dude. He was just teabagging every patient he thought was Ukrainian. But no, because what happened was, is what a lot of these got. If you have ever looked at your insurance bills, if you ever had to go to whatever, doctor, physical therapy. Yeah. They kind of sometimes bill. It's all codes. They sometimes bill these insurance companies like you've come in and like, "Okay, I had knee pain," whatever. Right, right, right. But then they'll bill like something crazy where the insurance companies sometimes don't even look, and they'll pay the therapist more money, but you didn't have that injury. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Right? So they'll inflate stuff to make more money. I see. I think he was doing that. And they basically just asked me, they're like, "Did you ever see him doing anything like inflating records and all that?" And I was just like, "No, I have not seen it." Yeah, yeah. Well, he told me, because I think he was like Russian mafia, so he just. I'm saying plead the fifth. He's like, "You just plead the fifth." That's self-incrimination. Well, he was- Are you allowed to- I don't know. That's what he told me to do. But the lawyer, then the overall lawyers, the legal team were like, "We're going to ask you. You're not even big enough in this case to even be cross-examined, so you'll come up as a character witness for him saying he's a good guy." Right, right, right. And they were like, "We're going to ask you softball questions." And they were like, "Was he always nice to you?" Yes. And all these things. Interesting. But it was fun to be out there, and now here I am again, and I wore the same outfit. Actually, no. The last outfit I had, I came dressed as a physical therapist. I had on khakis. I had a pen. Scrubs. Yeah. Interesting. How long did you do that? How long were you a physical therapist? I was a physical therapist. I got my license. So what happened is I literally passed my physical therapy licensing exam. I think it was July 15th, 2010. So July 15th, 2010, I'm a fully licensed physical therapist. July 25th, 2010, just 10 days later, I do my first open mic at the Creek in the Caves. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I literally was a licensed physical therapist for 10 days saying, "This is what my life's going to be. I'm committed to this crap." Hysterical. And then 10 days later, I was like, "Let's do a full about face and go see Rebecca Trent at the Creek in the Caves." I got tired of massaging the developmentally disabled. Yeah. 10 days of that and I'm like, "Nah, I got to have some of the worst Mexican food ever served in the world." Oh, dude. And do some of the shittiest open mics. One of the craziest things I've ever seen there, and now we could say because it's not even a place anymore. No. It's in Texas. And it is great now. It is great. The Creek in the Cave, this is not the Creek in the Cave- In Austin. In Austin. It's a great club. It's fantastic. Creek in the Cave in New York, not there anymore. It's probably condos for rich Koreans, like children. But remember they had that Mexican restaurant there? Dude, me and Mike Cannon saw this. We're walking, dude. We're walking down to go do an open mic, like 2011. It's the middle of August. It's like 100 degrees, full humidity. It's like you're in Vietnam. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are just like dripping sweat. Me and Mike, we're like almost like we're delirious and we're walking to do this open mic at like five o'clock in the afternoon, whatever. And we see this rat, okay? That must have eaten like some kind of poison because it's like out on the sidewalk, like not scared, not scurrying, it's just like trudging along. It's like awful bloated. It has like spots all over it. So you're like, you know that this thing ate something and it's like dying. And its life is coming to an end. So we literally see this thing and me and Mike are like, "What the hell?" And so we literally like, I think Mike was actually going to like pull out his phone to like record it. And then out of nowhere, we see a guy. We think he came from the Mexican restaurant that was attached to the creek. Yes. He come, like old school Mexican guy, whatever, has a butcher knife, takes the butcher knife and fucking pierces this rat. Right? Right in front of us, like a shish kabob. Dude, like a shish. Dude, the thing is like this. Like a shish kabob. Disgusting. Takes his dish towel and knocks it off into the public garbage can, wipes the knife down with the dish towel, goes back into the back of the kitchen. And we were like, "Oh my God." Fuck. I got quesadillas from there, man. Yeah, dude. And we don't know, like we still to this day are like, "Did that actually happen?" Right. Are we like hallucinating? Are we having a fever dream? Sure, sure, sure. But we were like, "Dude, that was the craziest thing we've ever seen." And that's what we've ever seen. And that's when I was a physical therapist still. And I was doing simultaneously, I was doing physical therapy in the morning with the developmentally disabled children. Sure. Dude, one day I literally. I'm in there treating the kids, whatever, and then I go into the bathroom. And we all had to use. There was no adult bathroom in the public school I worked at. Everything was like the low, little urinals. You had to squat down for the little urinal? Yeah. So I'm peeing in the. They did have one stall, so I'm like peeing in the stall. And then all of a sudden, I see a look over the stall. And again, this is another time I think I'm hallucinating because they had no air conditioning in these schools. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look over and I see Stephen Colbert peeing in the little urinal. And I was like. Wow. I was like. What's his hog look like? Yeah. You see that piece? Dude, fucking nice. Yeah. Colbert's packing, dude. A hundred percent, dude. Because of the Ukrainian flag on it. For sure, right? Yeah. So he goes. So I go, "I'm literally peeing in the stall looking." And I go. I was like, "Are you Stephen Colbert?" And he goes, "Yes, I am." And I was like, "What are you doing here?" Yeah, yeah. He was giving a talk to the teachers, some New York City funded thing. Sure, sure. And then I was like, "Oh, I just started doing open mic stand up comedy." your dick out dude my dick out dude the the he zipped up his pants so like he's pissed he just pisses himself yeah he's like not worth this conversation is not worth it i'm gonna piss all over my trousers like ben stiller and something about mary like just zipped up and dude he flew out of that stall and then i realized that was like the first one i was like never ever ever tell like a real comedian of course that you're because and i couldn't believe it and so and so and it's crazy also you're also a grown man in a children's bathroom yes he's got a reason to be there he just sees some fucking whop with his dick out in a child's bath like yo colbert i just started doing fucking comedy yeah let me do five on the colbert report yeah it's about how my wife's a fucking whore you know andrew dice clay it's kind of a modern take on the dice man but more racist yeah yeah yeah i changed mary miss muffet to jack and jill and so and so i realized then dude by the way i used to do that all the time like i would i would never kind of say because one of the routes to start comedy is like oh open uh open mics or bring your shows whatever yeah i yana showed me i don't you just forget on facebook in like 2011 yeah when yannis was like doing like you know sure he was like big he was doing maurice or whatever i messaged him and i was like hey you know i know you don't know me or whatever i was like wow really yeah i was like i was like you don't know me i was like but you know i'd love to come work for you i can carry the speakers in and out of the clubs just the way a child thinks about it and i was like i don't know you don't know me i don't know how many words a working class dirt bag instead of saying can i open the equipment and then maybe i could do five minutes i am very good with wires mr pappas yeah i can plug the wires into the right speakers believe me you will never have a speaker clearer in your life yeah bang i get good deals and then and then so and that's why i was doing physical therapy burning the candle at both ends and then i got on guy code and then i started which was a big show on mtv at the time of course and then what happened here's the thing though like with guy code right it was like a lot of younger people watching like high school college kids but the thing is it's like you know you always hear about like you know because the kids i work with mentally physically disabled so it's about the same level of intelligence on guy code it's about the same iq levels as the producers and writers of guy code as the children that you were fucking yeah doing physical therapy for yeah it's cerebral palsy yo if a bitch wears a skirt does that mean you can fuck a guy code she's asking for it if you can see your bra straps guy code so so they they but but a lot of the kids parents because a lot of because what happens is like you think oh children have disabilities like because older moms which is true but also younger moms because there'll be 14 they don't have proper prenatal care they don't even know they're pregnant so they give birth to a child that's got some kind of disability so that kid's been weaned out of the womb for a long time and that's why they don't give birth to a child that's got some kind of disability so that kid's been weaned on fucking hot takis oh yeah in arizona iced teas it has no idea it has no nutrition whatsoever zero like a 14 year old eats like honey buns for fucking breakfast i remember my diet when i was 14 awful just just fries they would serve in my cafeteria plus like fucking you know disgusting yeah between work and summer plans i barely have time to think let alone cook factor has seriously saved me quick actually good meals that show up at my door no planning required they've got over 65 options and i'm not gonna lie to you i'm not gonna lie to you i'm not gonna lie to you so it's easy to find stuff i actually want to 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store survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection available now at store.ymhstudios.com yeah and then drinking maltas when they're two and so it has alcohol in it so so a lot of the moms the young moms and young dads come to pick up their kids or like you know have to meet like there's their child's physical therapist right big ain't you that motherfucker from god yeah i saw you on god yeah so i started to get recognized and the teacher the principal of the school is like hey you can't be doing physical therapy with mentally and physically disabled children and then be moonlighting as a comedian on guy code where they're talking about hiding the boner right you know is it okay to have sex with your you know your girlfriend's sister yeah like these are the episodes that she was watching yeah you're doing too much uh riffing about threesomes with john gabrus for our liking yeah she was like you know like you what what's the guy code to having fun at a funeral none of this is okay so she says to me she's like oh you i'm gonna give you like an ultimatum right now you either have to quit comedy yeah or quit or or or leave as a physical therapist you want to continue doing comedy then you have to leave pt you have and i was like what the hell so like in that moment i'm an artist bitch yeah i'm on guy code i said you know i i said even though you're giving me you know at the time great money sixty thousand dollars you're giving me full benefits i have a doctorate degree that i work so hard to get four and a half three and a half years post-graduate four years so seven and a half years of school even though you're giving me all that i'm telling you right now i'm quitting and going to the creek in the case yeah yeah fuck you i get paid twenty dollars a slur on guy code yeah yeah i'm not doing that i literally am i'm going to sign up for an open mic at the laugh lounge right now bitch i'm doing a non-union talking head show yeah but i will say that was huge i do feel like it launched hilarious like schultz was on that like so many people charlemagne little duval yeah nicole byer aquafina akash gabrus like we dance soda soda you know a lot of talent hilarious i mean one of the stupidest shows of all time of course but uh insane and don't get me wrong i'm an open mic or baltimore being like how the fuck do i get on guy code you gotta fucking figure this out man yeah so so it was big and then so i and so i quit i quit uh physical therapy but now interesting what happened is is sometimes you know the pandemic take away taketh away and the pandemic giveth so what happened with me is i my license fully lapsed oh wow they fully like because i stopped doing comment i stopped doing physical therapy in 2013 so seven years later it's 2020 and they go um andrew cuomo the governor at the time reinstated everyone's health care license like when it was a pandemic crisis so i just got a freaking letter in the mail like welcome back welcome back even though i haven't done anything in seven years and i was like i'll go out there and start killing patients yeah damn dude so could you give me a real nice massage a hundred percent that's the thing is i'm doctor massage episode three i need a massage i'll do it i was thinking we should do it from a massage table i'll be laying down you're massaging me and that's episode three you're oiling me up dude spoon spoon if you're listening you've got to get us a massage table episode three that would be funny too for me to like for the first patient i've worked on in like 10 years that also isn't a child yeah it's me just absolute like you telling me the injuries and me moving your limb the complete wrong way by accident yeah shattering my elbow i do have a fucked up shoulder i could use some you know and some back pain i'd love a massage the problem i have with the massage is i've never not wanted to get jerked off during it even at a physical therapist even i go and get these legitimate sports massages right and it's we're not in a private room it's like you know uh bright light overhead lighting and like eat like it's like uh you know just painful nothing erotic about it whatsoever there's no lotions there's no nothing and i was like if this lady started jerking me off yeah i wouldn't be i'd be a little surprised because the receptionist is right there and there's enough there's a you know there's an elderly woman getting her fucking knee worked on next on the table next to us but like if she just put a little towel over it and was like this is part of it like i just think and by the way why i don't understand why it's a happy ending it should be the happy beginning right because now i'm not stressed now i'm relaxed now i'm not thinking of the otherwise i'm thinking about getting jerked off the whole time even if i'm getting like cupping and it's painful i'm like if there was if there's a milking table and you just cut a little that's how they should do it yeah milking table you're laying down and it's not sexual it's purely i feel like i would be more dude relaxed i'm like envisioning you and like a full neck brace like you know like me all messed up in the physical therapy clinic like the back of a new york sports club you just get a massage by some old lady rock hard yeah yeah yeah absolutely you know i've never strong hispanic man and i'm like i really don't want you to jerk me off dude the best are the filipinos like in physical therapy because they have like the this guy this guy hands you dude little hands he was like we can they can get into every nook and cranny it's - That is true, dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even in physical therapy school when they would teach us massages, it was always like some Filipino, small Filipino instructor that would just get in there and move your organs around. I've never gotten happy, I think. Have you ever gotten one? By accident, legitimately, I did one time. I don't want to tell the story because it's like doing your own bit on stage. Oh, okay. I did by accident get, because I was getting these sports massages and the tour I was doing two years ago when I was truly 5'7", 350 pounds, I was so fucking fat. What are you now? I'm 285. Ooh, skinny mini. Yeah, yeah, skinny. That is significant weight loss. It's significant weight loss, but it's like, come on. You know what I mean? When I tell people I've lost, I guess, I haven't done the math, but I guess that's 70 pounds. People are like, you lost? You'd squint when you hear that. You're like, you lost 70 pounds? So there was this plus 70, and it's like, it is fucked up, but we're getting there. You're getting there. The March to 2XL shirts, we're getting there. It's amazing, dude. We're getting close. I can put a 2XL on tight. Dude, this looks sick, by the way. Thank you. It is 4XL, but thank you. It does look good, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's an Italian brand, obviously. It's small cut. Exactly. Yeah, this is a slim cut 4XL. 4XL. But I, so the place I was going had a water main break, and I had to, and I would get these massages because I was so fucking fat that just doing standup, like just doing this would hurt my body. Right. Basically, I was just getting, you're so fucking fat, you're on airplanes. No, even first class, I'm like, you know, first class is not comfortable. And I started getting first class where I couldn't afford it because I was too fat for the regular seats. You know, now we're doing okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Shout out. Now it's a fucking luxury. I'm still too fat for the regular seats, by the way. First class is the only place the seat belts buckle. Right. So, yeah. There's, yeah, anyway. And I, this really is two bears. I accidentally talked about being on first class. I'm embarrassed about it. That's the difference, folks. Right. I'm embarrassed that I'm a class traitor. Yeah. One day I'll be back. Don't worry. I'm a Greek. I don't know how to handle my money. Right. But I, and so, you know, I'm a Greek. My back hurts so much that I needed, I basically needed a jacked Latino man to put my spine into order. And basically, he would like, he would basically just move my legs around like I was exercising. Right. I was too fat to fucking go on a jog, but I could pay a Latino man to fucking move my hips around for 10 minutes. Be the bicycle for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would feel okay. I was so fat I would need to do that every like two weeks. And they had a waterman break, and so I just found a random massage place. It was a fucking happy ending. And it, it fucking ruined me because now every legitimate massage I get, I'm like, whoa. Because I went into that thinking it was legit. Were they like all Asian women though? It was, yeah, I mean, it was, but I'm not, you know, I'm like, I'm going in there. I'm like, well, don't be fucking xenophobic. Don't be racist. These people just want their piece of the American pie. You know, I'm sure they're trained professionals, but it was like, yeah, I mean, it was fucked up. So they don't even, cause I, I, I've never even been in the room for it. Like they just start doing it. What do you mean you've never been in the room? I'm saying, what are you fucking going to? Audit a happy ending. It's like the, it's like those, uh, uh, where they do surgery in front of like, uh, an auditorium where they're like trainee, happy ending givers all watch like, oh yeah, that's good. So what do you do? They just roll you over at the end and just start doing it. No questions asked. There is some hints that this might be like, I remember being like, huh, well, she's getting, uh, I've never had a thought. I've never had someone work on my quads and then rub my nuts on the way out. There's some hints. I'm like. That was odd. There's a few moments where you're like, huh, what's going on here? But truly I was like. Then you just start getting rock, right? Yeah. I mean. You have to. It was fucked up. It was like, it was insane. Was she relatively decent looking too? No, she was old and it was not, I didn't, I was not, that's how good she is. She wasn't jacking me off. I was actually not hard because it's an old woman and then they start rubbing your nipples. And by the, and again, these are, I am not a nipples. That's not, you would look at me, you think I'm fat as shit, maybe nipples work for me. No, in fact, that's never been my thing. The only time I've ever touched my nipples, it almost felt like they were making fun of me for being fat. Right. Like their thing was shaming, like they had a weird. Yeah, they're putting ketchup and mustard on 'em. Yeah. No, it felt like the girl, I've been with girls who legit like fat guys. Like I remember one time I was on tour and a girl was like, and it was, I wasn't doing it. I was, you know, come time it was going on, but I wasn't like doing that well, but I assumed it's a mentally ill. Come town, female listener who just wants to fuck, she came over, dude, she had never heard of come town. She just, I was just, cause you know, I would post naked pictures back in the day. Yeah. She was a, a hot woman that loved fat guys and she was like rubbing my body in a way that was like arousing. She was rubbing my fat stomach and I was like, whoa, this is kind of sick. Like it was like, I felt the way, like I, the way like a hot woman must feel when a guy's like, holy fuck. Like when I'm like rubbing tits, I'm like, yeah, I turned into a fucking animal. This was like rubbing my stomach. I was like, I could get used to this only woman, the only time that's ever happened in my life. One and done with her. Yeah. One and done. It was a, it was very far away. I, you know, I was on the road. Um, but then, um, so, and the only other time a woman has played with my nipples, it's been like, I I've gotten the vibe that she's trying to punt. She's like getting off on shaming me for being fat. Like, it's like you fucking fat cocksucker sucking my dick and like pinching my nipples. You like that? You fat piece of shit. She's showing you like cheeseburgers. She's trying to do a technique that, like, I feel like I have like, I've definitely looked up with women who have like eating disorders. Cause I've clearly being this fat is also an eating disorder. It's funny fat people don't think of it that way, but I a hundred percent have a eating disorder. I like food matters to me. And I have a couple, a lot of people who have it on the, I feel like I have admiration from women that are like, have an eating disorder in the opposite direction. Like I wish I could eat as much or they find it like cool that I don't care how fucking fat I am, which is also kind of right. It's like, wow, you're such a fat piece of shit, but you believe in yourself, you know, they're attracted to that, which I'll take if it gets me head for my girls, I'll take it. But yes, I've never been a nipples guy. This woman just was a fucking, I don't know. I don't know what they're teaching in those massage schools, but like I was truly harder than I've ever, and it's an old woman that I'm not attracted to just kind of fucking just playing with them. Just right. Just kind of flicking them. Just right. My dick. It's hard as shit. And I bust insanely fast because I'm, I'm like, what, I'm disoriented. I'm like, oh, what the hell's going on here? I had a sneak attack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got Pearl Harbor. Not quite Pearl Harbor. Yeah. But before I knew it, I was like, what's going on? And then do they have the towel ready? Like you just blow, like, how does that, what happens there? You think they get hit ever? I don't remember. I mean, again, I'm not, this is, I don't remember what the towel was. I don't remember. There's a part of me that wants to try this. Yeah. Well, you, you just, you're getting married literally in like a month. Yeah. But, but is it, couldn't there, couldn't there be, you just were talking about how you're, you're finally happy. Yeah. You're like, you're settled. You've accepted everything in your life and now you're like, yeah, well, I should get jerked off. But are there some cultures where they just allow that? I think Japan, the salary man culture in Japan is very big, where I've seen a couple of viral TikToks where they'll just man on the street, people will be like, is it cheating to fuck a sex worker? And they'll be like, no, that's like, is it cheating to go to the dentist? Like they look at it that way. Dentists is in your mouth. Is that cheating? Like they just look at it as like, that's not funny. You can just fuck whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. As long as you're paying for pussy, it's not cheating, which I love theoretically, but feels a little off. But like, I wish like with marriage as a contract, it's like, it's their incentives, like an NBA player. It's like, you know what, dude, if I can, if I can bring, if I could bring, you know, more than a certain amount of money to this family, I'll get hand jobs. Right. Right, right, right. Matt, like you win the world series. Like you have set up the family for life. Bonus. You can get like a prostitute once a decade. Things like that. That's what I'm saying. I'm not looking to like have act. I don't want to have affairs. I'm not looking. I don't want to do that. Right. Right. Right. I love, I respect the sanctity of it, but it would be nice to have like a loophole where it's like, if she says, Hey, or maybe she just dresses up like a masseuse once in a while. That'd be nice. Well, I will say the, the masseuse, like if you want a, if you want a, uh, uh, uh, an example of what the masseuses look like, they looked kind of like when Tom and Bert put the woman filter on themselves. Like that's the, that's the fucking level of attractiveness we're dealing with, which by the way, I saw this clip and it's hysterical that, I mean, you know, let's just play the clip. Here we go. I mean, this is insane, dude. She. Oh yeah. Yeah. Dude, this is, they were being genuine. I know this is fucking crazy. This is insane. I look hot as fuck. Stop that right now. Nope. I mean, that's smashable. That's insane. He's saying that shit. He thinks she's hotter than Leanne. He's hotter than, he thinks he's hotter than his wife. You look like someone who's been through some cocks. Yeah. Yeah. My, my chick is. Yeah. I look like such a nice girl. Jesus. You're the one who's like, come with me, bitch. I'll show you how to get a man. That's what it looks like. Okay. I want you to come in me. And you let people come in you. This is disgusting. Right. This is fucking gross what they're doing. You do it because you're needy and you're like, I want them to like me. I just go, I want to be, I want to be abused. Bert has never been projecting more in his life, by the way. You asked to get like choked out and spit on slash. Oh yeah. Sure. Yes. And you're like, no, I love sucking dick. Tom looks like a teacher that gets caught with his students. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Tom looks like the one who's like, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. has a romantic relationship with a 12. I mean, I will say, actually, on second look, obviously, they're atrocious. And they're, like, fucking disgusting. But Tom is, like. Tom could maybe, if she worked on herself. Yeah. There is a light in her eyes that I'm like, you know what? On second thought, I think I'd get head from Tom. Yeah. But Burt looks horrific. Burt literally looks like. Burt looks like. Oh, my God. It looks like Burt too much. Too much, yeah. Like, it just looks like Burt with mascara on. And with the face, it looks like he almost, like, had to get, like, skin reconstruction after a fire. Right? He looks like a burn victim. Yeah. He looks like the teacher that comes on too strong to a high schooler. Yeah. That they're put off by it. Yeah. That is total, like, assistant principal face right there. Yeah. This is the woman that made me choose between physical therapy and being a physical therapy comedian. Yeah. Tom, if we go back to Tom a little bit. Yeah. Tom is definitely. Tom is definitely a woman who. Because Burt, I'm like. Also, too, I'm not into, like, really brunettes like that. Sure. Even though my wife is Puerto Rican and brunette. Let me stop you right there. Hair color is not even top 40 problems with this picture right now. Well, what it is with women is, like, you want what you don't have. So, like, my, you know, wife's Latino, warm-blooded, like, hot, right? Where if you go back to Tom, Tom's more cold-blooded. Looks just like a cold-hearted bitch. Tom or Burt? Tom. This is Burt, right? This is Burt, yeah. Tom, right here, looks. Her energy is more cold. She just looks like a. Hey. Yeah. No, I don't know. There's something inviting about. You know, I started this thinking I would, you know, trash both of them. I'm getting. I'm getting. If Tom was the one who gave me a happy ending, that wouldn't be so bad. Right. I think, you know? Now, I'm not taking these women out. Right. And I will think. The fact that Burt said. This is a Rorschach test for being a narcissist. Right. Because Burt looking at that picture and being like, Ooh, baby. Yeah. That's a hot woman. I've never. A man has never wanted to fuck himself more. That is like. That is just clearly Burt loves himself so much that applying. Maybe. This is maybe the worst woman filter I've ever seen in my life. Right. This is barely a filter. This is Burt. You just put lipstick on Burt. They didn't soften his feet. Yeah. Like, if I was. For example, if I was trans and I went and got facial feminization surgery and I ended up looking like that, I would sue my doctor for malpractice. I'm saying. I would want a fucking. Refund on the estrogen. Yeah. I would sue my doctor for malpractice. But this person does look like a woman who lives on the outskirts of Tampa. Sure. Maybe it's like something that Burt's seeing like familiar at home. Sure. And they do kind of look like the version of themselves. Like, Tom's picture looks like a woman who like in her spare time likes to watch videos of men shitting on other men's chests. Right? I don't know. I'm weirdly into Tom now. The more I look at it, the more I'm like, you know what? I can go to a farmer's market with Tom. Yeah. And now I'm mad that they've. They've said these disgusting things about beautiful Tom. Yeah. About him getting cummed in. Like, the fact that Burt went into how they're getting nutted inside. Yeah. It's fucking. Do you think there is like. I've never. Because Tom. I mean, Burt legitimately like. It is beautiful how much he loves his family. Like, he'll literally like cry. He'll take pictures of himself crying about how much he loves his family. I've cried with him on a podcast, Burt and I, about our families. You guys are so fucking gay. It's crazy. I know. I know. I love how episode one I said I wasn't gay. And then I said. I sit around. I sit around crying with men on camera. Because you thought it would make good content. That's the gayest part of it all. You know? Yeah. You have a tear stick. You're like, this is going to go viral. This is going to sell some tickets. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hey, put HelloFresh underneath you. It's the promo code. But yeah, I guess now I'm thinking, I guess I. Also, it feels like Tom posed to look like a sexy woman. Yes. It's like he just looks like a kind, inviting woman. He does. Because Tom looks like a woman who wants to kind of just kiss you softly on the lips. Yeah. Where Burt kind of like, it's a little too rough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like Burt's woman is. Right. Biting you on the lip in a performative way. Yeah, it's like, lady, come on. It's like, come on. I don't need this. Come on, lady. We both know this is. My life's going bad if I'm fucking you. Tom also looks like a woman that'll keep her mouth shut. You can't have an affair with Tom. Yeah. You can't have an affair with Burt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's going to want to get crazy about it. She's going to give you hickeys. I will say that. She's going to message your wife. Burt does look like a woman who thinks she's hotter than she is. Yes. So that does check out. Yes. Okay. I just wanted to fucking weigh in there because I saw the clip of them saying they're hot and it infuriated me. Oh, no. Oh, my God. First of all, I just look Filipino. That doesn't even look like a woman. That looks like Spider-Man's sidekick from the new fucking movies. Pull up that kid. Pull up that fucking Spider-Man's friend. Pull up that fucking Spider-Man's friend from No Way Home. Is this you as a. This is AI, though, right? How did you do this so quick? This has to be, yeah. Oh, this is Chad GBT of What's Up? It's looking like there's a woman. That is hilarious. And you know what? That is way more accurate than whatever fuckable lip film. They gave Burt fucking mascara and red lipstick. They gave me less makeup somehow. Yeah. That's a woman who I could confidently say did not vote for Donald Trump. No. Yeah, look. Oh, yeah. That's literally just what I look like. Yeah. I mean, dude, but I kind of like that cleavage a little bit. Yeah, yeah. A little something there. There's something about it. No, you know what? I like this girl. I would be friends with. First of all, this girl's. This is the kind of girl I'm competing with bisexual women for, by the way. Yes. That's the thing. That's why a lot of my exes and girls I've dated are bi, because I feel like they're just into this type of butch body type. For that woman who was into fat guys and wanted you for that, she also wants to go on a date with her. 100%. That's interesting. And I like her. I would be friends with her. Yeah. I like her, too. I feel like she. And she probably lives in Astoria. She's probably figuring it out. Maybe she's not a lesbian. Maybe she's just a woman who. And this shows you how bad society is, how much better my life is than this theoretical woman. You can't be that fucking. People treat a fat man with respect, and they treat fat men with scorn. And we're against that here on Two Bears Summer Edition. 100%. Yeah. Maybe regular Two Bears, they're fat phobic. Not us. Not us, dude. We love the plus size gals, and we hope this lady gets some dick. She gets some dick just by being a good ass. She's got a good hang, taken down enough Irish car bumps. I'm sure you've actually. I think you could be convinced to fuck this woman. I was going to say, I've had sex with a woman who looks like this in the back of O'Neal's and Master of Queens. Are you kidding me? When I'm 22 years old, I've done a blowjob from a woman that looks like this on Grand Avenue in the bowels of Queens. I like her. She has a kind look in her eyes. Yeah, she does. And she kind of looks like. The thing is, with someone like her, it's like. Roller derby captain. Yeah. I feel like some of our beautiful. Beautiful, fat, overweight people like this are going to get ruined by Ozempic. Somebody like her would take Ozempic, and it's like, no, I kind of like. You have a beautiful, youthful glow. Yeah. I'd love a zoom out, because she could have incredibly fat tits. Oh, would she? She could have maybe fucking triple Js. Oh, love it. And now we're talking. Because then, you give a lady like this those kinds of cannons, now she's working in fetish pornography. Dude, if you gave her big boobs and a fat ass and a tattoo of Rosary Beats somewhere, I'm in. Yeah. We need the zoom out. Maybe she could use a little lipo around here, but. Okay. Or even just a little light, a couple. If she hits the steps a little bit and she gets big, fake tits. But I'm into a woman now. I was, I guess, when I was younger. And I think society is seeing this. It used to be big boobs, big ass, big, fake lips. Obviously, that's going out of style now. I want an imperfect woman. I like a girl with a chipped tooth, a scar, a little imbalances. I like that a lot. I want to see her imperfections. I'm going to go. Where I used to be like, oh, I want a girl who looks. I would be into the fake boobs, fake lips, because it's like, oh, it's making them look like ideally perfect. But now, I would run away from that now. I would go out. As a matter of fact, me and my fiance, we got. Our relationship got 10 times better when she. One of the things that happened is she took out her fake boobs. Oh, wow. Because she was like, we have daughters. I don't want them to think they need to change their bodies. And then she told me, as time went on, not only did she. She felt better about not having them. She's like, my body was literally, for 10 years, just fighting a foreign object inside its body, inside her own body. And I just started to get. Feel more like me. Wow, interesting. That was a big moment. And then also, me stopped not DMing porn stars. Yeah. It was also helpful. Well, then when they stopped DMing you back. Yes. When they were like, ah, this is enough. And you're like. Yeah, I mean, I philosophically think your fiance should be jailed for doing that. Right. I think it's a. She's already talking about getting them back. I think fake tits are. Listen, I'm a man of science. Yes. And I think the way we're enjoying air conditioning in the summer, the way we have enough food to feed everybody. I think big fake tits are. But look, obviously, you want to take them out, you should take them out, obviously. But I do like. I am partial to fake titties because it feels like. This is a little. It feels like once they were affordable for even. Once middle class, working class people realized you could go to fucking Columbia, you could go to fucking Turkey, you could figure out ways to do it. Yeah. Once it became affordable to have big fake tits and a nice fat BBL, now every rich person has gone away from that and they're getting skinny. And I, from a class perspective, I think big fake tits, once they let the masses have them, they said, these aren't good anymore. Right. And I say, keep your big fake tits. Do it. Dude, that's a fight against. Oh, no. Oh, man. Okay. You know what? a great gal like i said she uh yes the cankles are a little tough i do you know that those are a nurse lunch that is a lunch lady yeah a build but nothing wrong with that you know not what i was you know not what i was thinking i you know with the huge tits possibly but still a gal i could you know i think like you said you're still getting head and mass beth from this lady 100 oh yeah there's nothing wrong with her i would dress her a little bit i don't know why they had to give her a fucking moo moo well they gave her your shirt yeah they gave her my shirt as a whole dress yeah yeah but you know we could maybe work with a nice chunky belt yeah to give her a bit of a waistline you know something nice for her i feel like um she looks fun she looks she's got a real i do i see the beginnings of lunch lady arms which i don't like yeah that i like i take pride in having being fat as shit but there's no hang down on my no no you know i don't got those i what do you think her name would be i mean the easy like so is a greek name real girl's name yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so vula vula vula is like a shortening or vula yeah um i do know girls like this name like you know chrissy literally i knew a couple fat greek girls named chrissy yeah yeah yeah nina yeah or no hot or hot greek girls would be named neither ones yeah that's the thing like greek there's like in every community there's like five greek names because every my big fat greek wedding is true like i grew up with i had a friend and there was like seven bills in it because they were all cousins they're all named after one grandfather vasily i see so it's like you know fat bill little bill bill vasily translates into bill yeah it's amazing yeah not william just bill yeah bill yeah i love it not william no yeah bill oh they were all bill there was no wills no vasily is bill bill dimitri is jimmy yeah dimitri yeah dimitri jimmy what is yannis john oh man oh wow dude i look like michael jackson you look like the fucking uh the non-binary character in the sex in the city reboot you look like fucking che diaz you look like you're eating miranda's pussy right now you know what i kind of like too you know what i kind of like too even though like honestly i'm into this yeah by the way chat gpt using chat gpt instead of whatever they used a way more fuckable filter than we yeah yeah all right i'm calling this is this is the first time i felt like a guest host we're getting you know what i mean yeah they're getting the fucking the home whistle yeah benson yeah is cooking the books for tom and burke yeah dude because we didn't get any fucking lipstick yeah yeah i got gets fucking mascara i get fucking i get i get you know i get a fucking you it's like make make star rose how it gets a lunch lady that's what you fucking yeah they get liquid death i got sink water in a cup but this this is interesting because i'm german and italian but yet the chat gpt still made me look like a puerto rican girl that is true i do just look like a girl from sunset park but can i say i am actually a puerto rican girl i'm a puerto rican girl i'm a puerto rican girl i'm a puerto rican the older i get the more i'm attracted to sort of like like a a i guess some might call it a traditional lesbian but like a more butch woman like a hot interesting a hot butch but you can see like they have tit you know what i mean like i don't mind this haircut and this vibe you know what i mean i i don't know like you like you're into more like a janine garofalo look type thing like a little thicker maybe i guess what it comes down to is i think i would just fuck pretty much every woman and so yeah so when you see i mean never mind did you ask to give me lunch lady lips i mean literally those are just your hips by the way that's stand up those are just that's just what you're wearing right now honestly yeah you do that's a more fuckable backside than this lady that's tough yeah yeah this is i literally had a a lesbian manager at sherwin williams it looked exactly like this shout out to my girl jess what did you do with sherman williams i sure when will i was uh i was a paint i would fucking deliver paint i would mix up paint i worked at a paint store for a year before i moved to new york that was my last are you handy do you know how to like build stuff no not at all my dad's a carpenter and he's incredibly handy and i would just go i would work at his you know my summer job as a kid would i be like i would help my dad out and basically when he was installing cabinets and shit i would help carry shit but dude i would basically what i spent the time doing is he had a fucking like he had a tv from like the 60s and the 90s dial dial literally dial and you know it was a zenith for real and you had to put like you know aluminum foil on the fucking antenna yeah i mean you know uh gen z i mean first of all there's no young people that listen to this podcast so never mind seriously everyone everyone who listens to this understands what we're talking about but if any if any if any if anybody's dad passed out drinking porosos and their child is watching this right now they're like uh first of all take me to school dad and second of all and second of all uh they're like we sound so fucking old talking about dial tvs with fucking aluminum foil antenna but i would watch martin on that tv and then when my dad would go to lunch to pick stuff up because you know every like blue collar every blue collar like whether it was a workshop a mechanic whatever they would have pornography somewhere they would have like calendars and there was like my dad had like one picture of like this tahitian woman it was like some kind of like islander vibe and it would be like they would it was her with her tits out i would plant while my dad went to go pick up our lunch order something i would plant the tahitian titty picture in the bathroom and then i'd be like gotta go take a shit dad i would just jack off to that i would beat off for like 18 i would i would milk it i just before phones and i would just jack off in that bathroom for like truly a hat i do it twice i would beat off twice the same picture of one like islander woman's tits yeah and then at the end of the day i would put it back where it was just the perfect crime i love like if like you ever went missing like we i would know that you're jerking off on a beach in tahiti yeah that's where the fbi would need to look for you but yeah that was old but yeah i was so bad at i i ruined like a saw because i was trying to make a gun out of wood yeah and i was just doing it the wrong way do you ever feel emasculated that you're not handy like as a man do you feel like it's something we need to know how to do uh i think you know yeah i mean i i'd like to learn a little more of you know like i could do very basic shit you know like i you know i would never like you know i would never do that you know i would never do that you know i could as long as i could like hammer some shit i could fucking i could do the most basic nail yeah do a fucking you know put together some shit but yeah i'd like to be handier but i also think like i don't know i i don't think you know that necessarily is a male thing like i have one of my old roommate my friend christina she was the handiest person i've ever met and she's just like a nice like girl who was like an uh executive assist like her job was like she would be like some fashion lady vp she'd be her executive assistant and she'd be like i don't know i don't and i was like in a different world if she's not if she's not in the you know gender binary she would probably be doing some handy shit where i just feel like i don't give a fuck you don't care yeah because because i'm masculine in other ways i'm gonna die at 58 that's a heart attack i'm a real man yeah i'm wearing a 4xl track suit yeah i feel enough of a man like this yeah yeah i eat prosciutto like as a i literally have started having just pure prosciutto as dinner i have prosciutto and yogurt and i'll be like protein protein yogurt well dude it's crazy because last summer when me and jasmine went to your house you were cooking cedar plank salmon on your grill where what happened i'm yeah yeah i well see here's the thing the prosciutto the macros aren't so bad yeah well you didn't actually know you're still doing it because you lost 70 pounds 70 pounds i've lost i've probably lost like 20 pounds since you came but yeah i'm very i cook i cook a lot right which is like the salmon look dope yeah i love so i have some salmon in the fridge right now salmon's a go-to for love salmon they swim backwards oh dude that's why they're so fatty that's what the omega 3 because they're swimming against the current oh interesting what it is baby that's why i walk backwards on the treadmill trying to be a salmon to get those lesbian hips yeah um yeah i love you know i love to cook and what i think anything can be masculine or feminine depending on how you do it because in my relationship she my girl is the one who can build and do everything and i said you know we're moving to a new house i was like you know what i'm gonna look i'm gonna educate myself on youtube because everything's on youtube i'm gonna learn i'm saying i'm gonna learn how to at least i don't know how to like paint take down wallpaper and like make like a little door frame that we need to make like a little door into like a little opening in the house i was like i'm gonna do all that and then i literally was on youtube for about 10 minutes watching this handyman tell me how to do it step by step and then within 10 minutes i was on chat gpt asking what a good number for a contractor is asking like what what what is the number that i know i'm not getting hosed contra yeah contractor won't fuck my wife while i'm away yeah contractor won't my wife won't fall in love with while i'm doing uh off the hook comedy club dude this stuff is so is so freaking expensive yeah i said all i wanted was all i wanted was a door like to another room simple some paint and i all and i wanted him to cover some pipes and the guy was like i was like you know i'm not looking at the bank i was like you know i also want to do more jobs with you like we've just moved to this home i was like like please like give me like a fair price he was like 50 grand and i was like oh my god what he was like grand he goes 45 if it's cash i was like dude come on and then so but then it's crazy because then my wife gets on the phone right and she was like start he was spanish she just started talking in spanish and that number came down like 30 yeah yeah and next thing you know she was like getting angry and then i was like what did you say and she was like i was just telling him that i know he's being a scumbag yeah i know what you're doing it's disrespectful and she was like you know he's puerto rican too she's like don't make us look like that you're being a piece of shit don't trying to hose him because he's white. Don't disrespect me in front of my white husband yeah exactly he's finally marrying me after 10 years so he does have some puerto rican tendencies yeah even though yeah even though he can't build the fucking you can't build a door frame yeah and so he can't be non-committal even though we have three children yeah exactly and now africa and now we're gonna get this done but but yeah i was always interested i think it's nice if you're like i think that's cool that she just does shit you know what i mean like i like that yeah my kids it's interesting because my my children like don't like when somebody comes to the house like a con ed guy or whatever they they always yell for mom and i'll just be sitting on the couch like with a baby and i always feel like one of these workers just kind of looks at me as like and then sometimes they recognize me too they're like what the hell right right right i'm like yeah i'm sorry you're like what the fuck yeah yeah no fuck them dude yeah you got a nice thing you got a good you got a good uh way to look at life because i'm a little bit more old so i guess i'm like i'm such a loser i suck cum because i freaking don't know how to use a hammer i don't use a table saw that means i must take it in the ass right you're just like dude some some people do guy things some people do girl things yeah you could do a guy yeah you i respect that yeah i mean you're cheating on your wife that's you know not anymore yeah that's masculine man look at the bright side yeah dude not yeah you're gonna die in our new year and you haven't yeah you haven't cheated you know you were cheating for a decade well i like i like that even though i'm not being the typical man at all i don't want to build anything i'm not eating the freaking steak and drinking the beers and smoking the scars every day but yet my my head and look is so much of that man that my body won't believe it and my body's still like yeah but raises blood pressure raises cholesterol messes liver up come on of course but even though i'm not doing any i i mean i will say too like there's a lot of time like when i'm eating greek food i'm always like oh maybe i should get like the extra hummus the chickpeas whatever and then it's really it's jasmine who like should be wanting me to be healthy which she is but she's like i'll be eating like you know just a greek salad and some falafel and she's like can you please just like eat a lamb like yeah she's like it's almost like she's like i'm not turned on even though like you're healthier like this doesn't make me feel like i want to fuck you at all interesting if you're eating healthy because she doesn't respect you for not being handy i think that i think that in the beginning of our relationship she again being an old school puerto rican girl very handy father came from like sunset park i think she was a little confused as to be like okay he's does comedy like art and he's doing okay you know we have money which is it's not you know we have enough to survive and i've been there sounds good it's like but then he like he doesn't know how to build anything yeah he like only wants to have sex like once or twice a week at most he doesn't really know what he's doing he's like not speaking to me in latin right and so so i think there was a lot of confusion the first couple years she's like you know i watch his comedy yeah once or twice i can't you know what dude as you get older too now it's to the point i'm older 40 got the kids i'm like if i'm exhausted like after a long day sometimes i'll go up into the room be like i hope she doesn't want to have sex because i don't i don't i don't want to do this man i mean i do want to do it but you're like dude i literally just want to i'm watching this benjamin franklin documentary it's like i just want to watch that dude that's the guy that you see that that guy was getting pussy till the end i'm number one i love that about ben franklin is that he we sent him over there yeah and he's doing the most high stakes negotiations you can think of yeah like if he can't get france on board england probably wins and they probably execute everyone that's 100 that did the revolution independence right and and he's so you know he's focused whatever and every night he's out banging whores he's he's burning like that's and by the way how is he getting hard yeah like you have the the weight of the world on your shoulders and you're fat old yeah and he's eating he's drinking like beer he's like beer milk smoothies yes like and he's eating mutton and shit like that how he's got diarrhea how is his dick staying hard through all that like anxiety and his diet that's a true american here that's my favorite i love he just has like electricity through a kite on his balls he's got a cock ring yeah he's got a cock ring and a kite out the window it's zapping his dick and getting it hard he's waiting till lightning storm to go fuck okay but he you know what's crazy about him is he got he was like he you know he's like a legitimate celebrity like he was like the old like a lot of these people that are celebrities now that are famous founding fathers they weren't famous back then right right right he was famous in his life dude he was like mr beast yeah he was he was he was famous and so and so but he got they threw him out of england so they threw him out of england because they just got annoyed with him because he was like having sex with like every freaking general's wife they're like get him out of here i love then he came back to america that's my goal by the way i want to play benjamin franklin dude you could i'm i'm i got the hair for it yeah give me little round glasses yeah fucking photoshop some round glasses on me right now dude i actually i did it in uh i have a i have a i'll send you the picture uh b spoon i did i would i did dress up as benjamin franklin one year but yeah that's my that's my that's my fucking that's my goal my life's goal as an actor will be to portray benjamin franklin yeah well dude i mean you could do it you got the look and he and ben was um benny frank he uh when he got back to america nobody trusted him because they were like dude you've been in england for 10 years now i wore them like are you a real to prove it and then they because they knew that he was like just literally what obviously he was very smart and all that but he literally was just like dude i fuck all day yeah so they sent him he went to france to convince france to join the revolution but the way that he did it is because he was literally having sex with king louis like concubines like he was having sex with the women in his harem and he moved up it only took him like three months he like moved up girl by girl then he got to like louis favorite mistress and he was banging her and he was like can you tell look and louis was chill with this yeah but it was like kind of like just a thing in france like you could just bang everything where louis because louis was like i'm not sending france so eskimo bros was like uh an honored position in france 100 the closer you got the more you fuck my favorite bitch man you're good we're yeah we're connecting over and then and then the only way because louis king louis would not grant him like an appointment he just wouldn't talk to ben franklin at all so he just the mistress who like that he louis would fuck night was he got benjamin franklin got the message through the mistress into king louis here and he was like i'll do it give him the truth is that real that's real dude and then ben franklin when he was fucking because the the turning point of the revolutionary war is the battle of saratoga where like we technically the u.s like beat the british and all that stuff is true but benjamin franklin was good at like spinning stuff so he was like he was like he based like yes we won but he's like dude we crushed them what it's like you barely barely barely won half of the british army like wasn't even at the battle the way you brag about fucking girl and you weren't even hard yeah you just got you just jacked off while she sucked on your nipples you grabbed the dinner you're like oh dude i fucked her i fucked the shit out of her yeah and so so he just lied and then he got king louis to send all the troops but it was literally because ben franklin was just an absolute pussy assassin respect and again older guys banging like young like younger chicks always and that's before dick pills i mean that's why he's a hero dude yeah i respect that so much i respect that so much i can't believe he was fat unhealthy stressed out still got his dick hard yeah incredible because he was fucking for the nation dude dude i think i would i think i would fold i think i could eat pussy for the nation right dick i would be too nervous yeah dude you know yeah i would essentially have to fuck like a you know like like our pictures yeah i'd have to fuck like a lesbian dude no dick no dick involved and i repeated i repeated a direct quote that he said to some one of his like mistresses who like didn't want to leave he didn't i repeated it to jasmine he he wanted to he was going back to america and she didn't and she didn't want him to leave or whatever and he and he goes um he goes to her he was like my um he was like my love my love for you stays here but my heart belongs in america wow and i just said that to jazz wow i was like my love for you stays here but my heart belongs in america she's like what shut the fuck up yeah did you get the kid school uniforms out you idiot you better sell enough tickets you better sell merch this weekend you better be adding back the lyric she's just handing you flyers so you can be your own street team yeah yeah i'll do it papering i got a fucking funny tour i'm like in tulsa oklahoma and oklahoma city in the middle of august love that just like the big the big fucking markets oh yeah oklahoma city in august tulsa then it's like you know toronto yeah you're doing i love him detroit oklahoma yeah you're in oklahoma back to back yeah my agent's like we're gonna send you to tulsa and you're gonna send you to tulsa and you're gonna send you to tulsa and you're gonna send you to tulsa oklahoma and then we're going to send you to saudi arabia on 9 11. is that good remember how you thought you were doing msg on 9 11 now you have to go to the guys who caused it yeah i mean you could not have pulled more of a fucking about dude how about this i'm the only have you ever heard of a guy i they had to i had to move my show at the arena at msg down to the theater at msg just a real shithead people like i can't wait to see in the big room i'm like well you what you're gonna do is you're gonna do a show at the is make believe you're going to the big room and then just take the elevator down to the theater yeah they've done some renovations don't look into it too much yeah but that's it man we talked about on the last episode but it's like that is the best summation of like the theater is incredible yeah the theater is fucking insane you know how many people got to do the theater and you make more money yeah i know but it was it's more that like you got to cure yourself of wanting more well i'm cured you're honestly dude the market is cured having having to move from the arena down to the theater and then try to explain well what's funny about moving from msg arena down to the theater is obviously like it was you know wildly embarrassing like of course for me i kind of regretted every decision i've ever made you've kind of figured the only way you found the only way to make that a loss yes selling out the theater at msg you literally found the only context where that's embarrassing yeah yeah yeah i said and i'm doing it on 9-11 which is just pissing off my fans so so i said how many ways can i just make this actually right one of the worst nights of my life yeah you know and so i figured that out and so and so and but what's funny is like to the comp like to me you know and my peers or whatever i first of all nobody cares and then i've even gotten over it i'm like whatever but my my my uh the fans were coming like even my family i was like oh like you know i have to move it like it's now it's going to be at the theater at msg and even though i made all these promos about whatever like to the people they're like oh i thought that's where it always was right i thought only like the knicks play in the arena like who would do comedy right they're like a bad experience yeah because like to like especially the older crowd like like one of my uh dad's friends he went and saw uh eddie murphy at the theater at msg when they used to call it um what the uh something pavilion oh i don't remember i forgot what they used to call it it had like when he did i think he filmed this delirious there or wrong really one of them yeah he filmed it there and he's like oh that's where like we used to go see like big shows like nobody was doing the arena they were doing that that theater so like this is like a new thing yeah yeah so i but i absolutely 100 was in a place yeah last year the felt forum that's what it's usually called i was in a place when i put this on sale last year i was like you know more more more and now it feels so good to be like i'm like so happy to like be in places where it's like you do a comedy club it sells 80 god willing 90 some sell out and you feel so good yeah we're like there was a moment in my life where i don't know what happened to me where i just thought like even selling out a comedy club wasn't good enough and my life was like completely out of control i had like a life like i was like an addict without ever doing a drug yeah and then it's just kind of like i think you get a little tired of it and then like life humbles you and wakes you up and you're like no no dude don't get back on this on the path you just have a good ass time the point of life is that the point of accidentally making it is like it's not it's true just having fun yeah just that's you almost like it's like i i would feel bad like the way i look at it is like i'm a fat idiot that gets to have the best life ever and i owe it to the other fat idiots that are sort of because everyone listening is a variant it's like you know everything is like multiverses i feel like a lot of comedy fans and like a lot of like you know even like comedians coming up it's like bro i i so easily could have been back in baltimore working at fucking sherwin williams and doing like opening at mcgoobies right now and i would have been happy with that and now i owe it to fat morons who you know struggled in life if i'm not having a good time what's even the point no i'm the one of us that got to make it yeah so i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna i'm gonna try and live that's annoying i'm gonna make some salmon right but i'm also gonna have a good ass time and by the way clubs are more fun dude you're actually talking to people you're actually like right there you feel more like a comic like two weeks ago or three weeks ago i did atlantic city comedy club which is in like the bowels of the tropic county it was the most i felt like a comic and the most fun i've had with the audience in like a year because for a year i've just been doing the theaters and they're great i like them for certain reasons but dude you feel so disconnected where now it's just like dude the club like i just sometimes too i think what happens with podcasting and the business of this like you forget like why you started it's like dude i've only ever just wanted to do stand-up even podcasting when i started doing stand-up this wasn't even a thing that i was considering totally i was like no i just want to make jokes about my dad yeah yeah that's what i'm doing and get a sitcom that those are the goals of course and so so now here we are somehow not only doing our own podcast but somehow doing other guys podcast this doesn't make any fucking sense dude this doesn't make any fucking sense at all i mean this is i would i i listen this is our second episode we'll see if they give us a third i mean they might be pulling the plug on the entire ymh might be fully out of business after this yeah we try we fucking we try and open the door as samuel and tim dillon are sitting in here oh yeah sorry guys next on a different direction yeah they just brought in bad friends they're like just just bring them in please we'll give bad friends the entire revenue all right well that was good man thanks we'll be here we think we'll be here next week for you that's what we've been told right now but we do have tom segura himself is waiting in the wing yeah uh yeah he's waiting yeah we're he's where he's going to take a break from filming uh season two of bad thoughts to come in here right fire us personally yes which by the way what do you think season i was thinking how funny it would be if bad thoughts season two was just tom in just a nice gay relationship like every like every episode is like a prestige drama of just tom with a man yeah and it's like that's his bad thought is just having a being married to a man and being in love yeah like you know he's fat again he's like what if i could actually live the way i wanted yeah yeah fat and gay yeah you know i can stop all this exercise bullshit yeah i could stop working so much i could just be burt yeah all right so yeah look for us there chris will be playing his husband in bad thoughts season two that's it uh but we'll see you guys next week bye bye enjoy burt and tom tom and burt one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and burt's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave you