This Changes How He Sees You: The King's Code Advice Men NEED to know about Women with Relationship Expert Alison Armstrong

Today, as we talk about what men need to know about women, women don't even know what men need to know about women. Let's smell it. We can measure. We're measuring the level of testosterone in a man. Oh, he's a lot of y'all. That was Allison Armstrong, backed by popular demand, a renowned author, educator, and philosopher. Her groundbreaking book, The Queen's Code, will blow your mind. We're not sorting by importance. We're sorting by why do women make their feelings, the center of everything? We don't. They're already the center of everything. Men, single focus, stainless steel, mixing with women, no, we're the strainer. You put something in it, it runs out the bottom. This is why every day you could interrupt her to tell her how beautiful she is. Every single day you could tell her that, and she wouldn't get tired of it. The thing about not feeling like roommates, just hold it for like two or three seconds longer. Yes. Allison reveals the often surprising reasons behind why men and women act and think the way that they do. And this time, I brought my husband, Andrew, with us. What can men do to ask the question in a better way or so that you get a better response? They turn it into sex? Yeah. How golly. That's such a good question. You just made me think of so many more things that men need to know about women. All right. What's one of the things you just thought? Okay. Let's go. Welcome to the Ellen Fisher Podcast. I started this episode, I have to preface something for you guys, it's very sad news to share, I'm just super sad to have to share this, but this episode was the most impactful, powerful episode that we recorded for the whole season. So this is why it makes me so sad to share that the audio was corrupted in this episode and not up to my standards. And I'm so sorry in advance. My producer and I did everything we could to save it. If there's one episode that I would want you to listen to of my entire podcast, I'm telling you. Typically it's this on you and your husband. I hope you tune into it because it's definitely definitely worth it. Allison, thank you so much for coming on my podcast again. The first episode we did together has been a sensation since it's come online. I still get messages about it. I have even had someone whom I don't know message and text this episode we did to someone else not knowing that that person knew me and said you've got to listen to this episode. And she goes, that's my friend. So it's made its rounds. It's impacted a lot of women triggered some women. I read a lot of the comments. I just so wanted to respond. It's hard because you want to, but then you have to reflect and go, do I have time for this? Am I going to make space for this? Is that the energy I want to spend my energy on? Mine was actually just if I could pin it because what I wanted to respond to was the thing that kept me up. Like, well, when are they going to learn about us? Why do we have to do all the work? That was what I wanted to do. I'm like, in my daughter does our YouTube. She's like, no, Ma. You can only pin on your channel. You could ask me to pin it because that was the one I kept seeing too. And you're right. If you had the, because it is, it's an expenditure thing. When I say do, am I going to make the energy for this with the knowing that one person will read it versus the energy to put into it, knowing maybe lots of people will read it. And this will be helpful. So next time, let's do that. Or we can even go back to that one and do it and I'll pin it. Yeah, what we're talking, what we plan to talk about today, I think is the response to what, what about their part? Yes. And for those who don't know, the first episode was about what women need to know about men. And how to stop being frustrated with men. And it's, it's empowering information in my mind. And I think there's two ways to look at it. You can look at it with a victim mindset or a victim mindset. To me, it's empowering and I have a victim mindset about it that I can do something about this. What's important is, it's not ours to do everything about this. I mean, that's what I focus on is, so what's my contract? Great. And so I talk to men about their parts. I talk to women are their parts. I talk to both about what's at everybody's part. Because there's a whole lot of human that happens before male and female shows up and not in a step. And that there's more like we want it to meet all someone's job. And we can't do the other person's part and we can't make them do the other person's part. And it's lovely. I mean, I have as many men frustrated that their wives won't participate in our curriculum. As I have women who are frustrated with their men. That's interesting. What do you think is the missing component there? When they're afraid they're going to find out it's on their halt. And if they're not ready to find out what part is theirs to do something about, then I just personally want to wait. And and for nine. And it's so great that you're here to enter because I was like, wow, we're going to have a couple's other standing move and workshop. Yes, thank you for being here, which I didn't get I didn't say at the beginning, but we have Andrew on the podcast this time. Helping me interview someone else and we both felt or we all felt, but especially we both felt it would be really valuable to have Andrew's input and perspective on this topic of what men need to know about women. Yeah, and even your questions about your main, but to finish what are seeing men can just sort differently than point. And and there's there's at least two components. One is trusted source. Is this a trusted source? I don't know that person. Right. And connectors keep trying to read something. Oh, you know, this person, you should this person, you should this person and if the person who saying that is in a trusted source, everyone they recommend is what you've been talking about. A trusted source matters and and then that is the worth it calculation. Like how much effort when that day can much time with that table, what would I not be doing with that time and energy. So it has to be a lot of proof, a lot of proof ahead of time. And oh, I then wear my favorites when I started to teach man about man was what is a woman have to tell me about being up on eight. Firm and it's into the next 12 years of man course. But that resonates. That's true. Yeah, do you have for that. Almost like you're putting something into words that they already felt, but maybe it hasn't had it put into words yet. Yeah, yeah, or they think, well, it's because I'm a first born and I'm from this background in this ethnicity and this upbringing. I had this trauma and that's why it's so frustrating. We're not getting attention. No, honey. I definitely see that burden of proof thing in our marriage when I will do, babe, we should listen to this. Well, why should we listen to her? That's definitely a thing for us. Well, I do say that I knew you as a trusting story. I do. It's worth my time. I've got my research. Seems like a valuable use of my time. The episode you did available in my favorite ones to listen to, and it's really improved our very a lot. And I have to go and have a boony thing app. So I was like, maybe there's something that I can do better too. I was saying so and another thing that meant taught me is that you vote with your feet. Your feet are here. It already survived the worth the calculation, right? Besides just that it would make your adorable wife happen. Well, for anyone who is listening and hasn't maybe seen the first episode and doesn't know who you are. Who are you and what is it that you do? Why are you here? Well, it's in 34, we have years since I started studying nine, thinking it would take two or three months to learn everything that was worth no more about them. And and it's evolved into I think they're the right word is philosophy. They looked it up. It's somebody that proposes theories about human behavior. Yeah, that's what I do. I'm passionate about I would say there's two things and they go together can't have them with that the other I'm passionate about people honoring themselves. So anything that helps us to see ourselves know ourselves. And even if we don't quite understand date, but we know it's true that we could take an appropriate action like there's things. And women, of course, and I tricked you on what I want to woman out of that is that women. Don't let themselves be criticized by. Especially have much increases in talks because they don't really do what they do, which I think is what's going to show up today as we talk about what men need to know about women. Women don't even know what men need to know about will. And so anything that helps us to be more honoring of ourselves because in the betrayal of ourselves, I think the roots of all of the comes out. And and then partnership is being on the same tune. When I was talking to men about why they chose me why always would be I can call me of Chiasnich Howard or you've been too so much already I know you can get your anything. And I in so much work or against each other and it's. It's not accidental. We we literally have opposing instincts. So it's a wonder we we bring out interest to me to. Yeah, I think my biggest takeaway of what I've learned from you so far that has impacted our relationship massively is that you know we've been together for 22 years. You've been together a long time, but you know through the immaturity of our teenage years and early marriage years and what it's what it to what it is today. The biggest takeaway I think is honoring our differences rather than trying to make the other like you and realizing that we both have good reasons for why we do what we do. Like that is incredible and to be more reflective in why the other person is doing something rather than reactive and trying to get them to change. Well, they are doing it wrong. They should do it this way instead of realizing wait a second. Why is he doing it that way? If there must be a good reason for it. Today's episode is brought to you by Indigo Luna. My favorite small family run brand that's based between Australia and Bali creating eco conscious yoga and lifestyle clothing. What I love about Indigo Luna is that their pieces feel like a gentle embrace. Soft, breathable and intentionally designed to support women in every season of life. 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When I'm watching a movie at night with my husband, it is the perfect way for me to settle my circadian rhythm, support my health and well-being and wear these and I fall right to sleep. Click the link below in the show notes and get 10% of your order or enter the code Ellen Fisher at checkout. One of the best ways that you can support this show is buying the products from our sponsors and using my code. So will we say the biggest benefit to understanding the differences between men and women for what's the benefit? Why do we wait? Why is it important that we understand our differences? We stop taking what the opposite sex dies person. The biggest benefit is what we stop taking person. And the hurt and the anger that follows the hurt and the discouragement that follows and the powerlessness and the despair and everything that follows from. You only could have done that if you didn't love me or I would never do that to somebody I care about. So you must care about me. Can you be a specific example? Sure. So a man is talking. He's talking to someone who's important and he's talking about something that's important. Let's say the water starts boiling for the tea, the tea tacos. And she walks away and addresses the tea pot or a child comes up. Mommy, Mommy. Yes. But I'm talking. Right. And how it occurs. It took me a long time to learn this. How it occurs to most men is that she chose that. By her action, she was saying the tea pot was more important than me. The child is more important than me. The phone bringing is more important than me. The texts are more important than me. I'm not knowing that how estrogen creates diffuse awareness. So it's we're not sorting by importance. We're sorting by loud. What's the most immediate loudest thing? And so the tea pots more urgent than what you're saying and the child's need is more urgent than what you're saying. But none of those are more important. But because you all this thing called a priority, you prioritize and you prioritize by importance and urgency. So assuming that women do that too. But not knowing that we live in a completely different environment than you do, because of the effects of estrogen on the brain. And we're going to keep that in the center. They did a study where a bunch of men agreed to take very high doses of estrogen. I think it was by the third day of the study, they had all opted out. The men could not, the input, the lack of screening that comes with testosterone and single focus, that they're overwhelmed with this coming. Get me off this. As a woman, that's normal until you get throughout my age. Well, we're a little younger, but when I started all of the hormones are winding down which happens by about 35 years old. I was doing it's significantly changing one day. I had to, my daughter thought I was annoying her. And I had to teach her. No, I'm becoming more focused. I mean, more, more like a man. So I wasn't ignoring you. I literally didn't hear it. It didn't know you asked you. And yeah, there's lots of them not lots that I can count a few times where I've been telling her something. And like she gets distracted to something else. I'm like, just forget it. I just walk away. And then she's like, no, don't finish. And I'm just like offended or like just forget you obviously don't care. And that's, I mean, why first baby benefit of understanding, especially what gender hormones doing to our brains. Do you know, regardless of identification, whatever we identify as, identify as gender hormones are real. It affects the configuration of the brain, the operation of the brain. It matters. And just when we know that. And then we find out that with thoughts, a factor for months. I don't know. Do you talk about aroma taste? I don't think so. No, we did it. Okay, so I make up words. And one of the words I made up was testosterone. And I think we're equipped with testosterone nerves. We can measure where we're smelling. And most women feel safe if a man has enough testosterone to be handy. What? Hindness. But no more, no more, more than I'm scary. So just handy. But how men generate how they build testosterone in their bodies is by rest. The time I don't ever say you're doing nothing because you'll give me something to do. Say, I'm joking testosterone. But what will they happen is he's doing nothing on the couch. And then. Oh, he's a lot of you. He's he's worth something. And then what'll happen sometimes it should pop down and say, honey, I have some things to tell you, could you just. Uh-oh, uh-oh, because as you build testosterone, once you've built enough, you're now a racehorse in the geek. Like you're ready to produce a result. You're ready to kill something. You're ready to sex. Like you're rating. Okay, let's go. And then. How many times have I gotten trouble for failing? Okay, I'll try. And then she starts talking. He said, yes, he's going to just listen. And then he starts. And say, Lee, I can't. I mean, don't know. And let me do. You know this event. There's an enzyme called a rumage ease. And when you have testosterone to spend and you can't spend this enzyme kicks in and it turns the testosterone into estrogen. So the swirming is the awareness of biological and masculinity. And since we know knowing this about me, we're taking it for granted. You're knowing by this conversation. You got to hang out with your friends. I mean, instead of honey, I can tell you, you got some juice. And could you could you save me from how full I am? I need to be saved. And all I need to do is hold it, just hold the trash and encourage me to keep barfing. If you want, you can hold my hair too. And all you got to do is go like you guys know. Yeah, that's all I was saying about that. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, you want to. We get him. Which is how pregnant my dad or husband would never listen to her to find the listener. Yeah, it's so much to say. And then she watch where the video is and she's like, honey. I need you to listen to me because I'm so full. I don't have room for anything, including your penis. I just have to listen to you. And then I get it. And seem interested and happy of more is coming. I talked this to a 12 year boy about one of his two ones. Well, yeah. And then he practiced. He's like, anything else? No, Tim, you got it. You got to ask it like she's the most fascinating person in hope that you're hoping there's more. Trust me. Trust me. I get a call. You just say, yeah, words. Wow. I mean, that is a scenario that must be just everywhere in relationships because that was one of the most accurate. I see my producer laughing because I know it's accurate for him to. And then what falls out of that is hurt and resentment and then withholding and we start being generous with each other and being a love dies. And now we just have bills and kids and it all starts with a misunderstanding. No, many jobs. They got to produce results. The results you're going to be yourself again. You're going to be able to care about me. You could listen to it. Honestly, I mean, even you just bring up the tea kettle. This is a completely different situation, but we we have an ongoing thing where I'll turn on the tea kettle. But I'm in my when I'm in my like best feminine, like you explained to me, I didn't even realize the whole puttering thing until you explained it that when I am in my ultimate feminine, I'm not rushed. And I'm busy and I'm stressed. And then he doesn't want to be around me either when I'm stressed. But that's like if he has to answer what's the time when you want to like give on some space. It's if I'm stressed and I'm rushed. But so when I am in my best ultimate feminine, I'm like you say like I'll start the laundry in half way else and then I'll start the dishes in half way through the dishes. The dishwasher is still open and say, Oh, I forgot to water the plants and then I'll water the plants and I'll turn on the turn on the the kettle. And then I walk away and then it's going, and I'm in the other room doing a board game with the kids. And she he's like, Ellen, you always forget to turn off the kettle. Why don't you turn it off? And I don't know. I don't know. And then I might and then he'll turn it off for me. And I might still have to go back and turn it on 15 minutes later to get it hot again to make my matcha. Because I don't need to I'm not going to stand there and just wait for it to get hot. So we have two things you just write up about women that men don't know about me. Okay. One is what happens when we don't have plenty of time. It's a literal personality change. Okay. And it has everything new time. That's when and the other is meanwhile. We do things meanwhile because there's so many things asking to be done and I can't go further with this. So I'll do that or while this is cooking while the water is boiling. I'll do this. One of my workshop leaders has been heated up a bowl of soup. And she she asked, what are you doing? He said, I'm waiting for my soup to cool. She goes, oh, meanwhile, could you do this? And he's like, no. Now a woman reaction. Our reaction is like, they're so stupid. They can only do one thing at a time. And my reaction to that is, but who's eating cold soup? It makes a big majority of our dinner. So cook it. He's such a wonderful cook. And then he says, dinner's ready. And I say, okay, I'll be right there. Ellen, dinner's ready. Hold on. Maybe that's the thing to say. Which is what we have to find out if to find out these code words like Greg, I would say dinner's ready. And you wouldn't come. And then it would get cold. Well, I didn't find out to like 15 years of marriage that he didn't care if the food got caught. He just never wanted to eat for it. He wanted the food to wait for him. Which of course he hadn't told me before because he thought it was obvious. And you know, I wasted the energy state in the obvious, which women don't know about then. So I changed it. Dinner's on the table. People. Bam. Then I went that extra step because, you know, I was a great what if we'd have a date and I'd arrived at the restaurant early and and they're like, yes, my husband's going to join me. Okay, I'll be back. No, I want to order. No, I'd like to order now. He doesn't care if it's hot. He cares if it's sitting there and he gets you. Are you in order? So some of them just won't let me order. They just don't believe it. But then Greg arrives at dinners on the table. The restaurant. No, he points out that. I got so many great white points. But, but if you listen to these slight things, right dinners ready dinners hot. Play with it. Play with it and you'll find out what connects it, which is most of what we got to do is find out what what are the words that connect. What makes it mean don't know about women. There's meanwhile. There's what happens if you give us a deadline. And yet still you men are more forgiving of what we mean different than women are men being different. Yeah, yeah, you don't know what the good reason is. But if that's what comes with all of them, what's amazing about her. Okay, we'll be. So true. Whereas women might be more inclined to say we must make this perfect. Well, or another way to look at it, something men don't know about women. Oh my gosh. I have 11 hours. Yes. Thank you going. So that thing I just said about if this is what comes with what I need in her. That's what comes with it. Okay. That's just how she is. So as most men, you buy the package, you just scoop up with a whole thing. This is what I want to do this with. Yeah, she gets bitchy sometimes. Yeah, she's kind of crazy about that. Yeah. So what? What's your point? That's how she gets. And I want her. So you do that. And we actually can tell when you've done it, we something happens in our whole system when you chose in this. And we know we haven't been like pretending to be somebody else. Okay, you're picking me just the way how? They say, well, it's an amazing thing. And women don't do it. And so I was telling them that this just a few weeks ago, he said, yeah, I need my girlfriend. We haven't engaged. But, oh, there's what something you need to know. What? And it's your married. I was here. I am. Like, yeah, the moment you decided you wanted to do that. And she said, yes, you are married. And now you're acting like a husband and you're being a husband. And so you're protecting things. You know, protect me for sure. Oh, no, just last week I told her you can't do that show. And women, after they get engaged, they're like, well, what happened to him? He's gotten so controlling. Which protect me is all. Well, it's very much controlling energy. But men don't know that women don't do that. We don't buy the whole package. We have plans for you. And another way to say that is that women commit one acceptance editor. Literally one acceptance editor. He loves the doctors. Okay. I can do that. Or like my boyfriend. Okay, in the beginning, I called him spare parts. Okay. He's got a 10 rod. He's got a cadaver bone. He's got artificial knees. Okay. This is how he comes. I'm never going to hold it against him. Yeah. Okay. Right. And I know to consciously accept most women don't. And I know women who had weddings 30 years ago. And they're still not me. They have not. There hasn't been a critical mass of acceptance. To actually be coming in. And so that's what I can engage in. It's a force to be out. Don't let it be a wedding planning period. Have it be a life planning period. And what's real about this person? That's not going away. And it's not going to change. So if I need to sign it up for a life of this. Okay. Oh, and he does that. Okay. Well, that's his favorite joke. Okay. So what can men do in that period of time to shoot like just honesty is obviously a big fire. It's be yourself like how to get all that out there. So the woman knows what they're getting tired of. What can men do? Well, I think you do that naturally. But you don't know what's happening on her side. Which list it's going on. Well, that's the first thing I'm going to fix when we get married. We ever agree with the application programs and not knowing that you you want they need acceptance as much as you also get this. If that's a definite two way thing, but it's so much harder for us. But we try. So one of the things I noticed that men is you know where you're dealing with. You know what you've ever used the term non starter. I don't use it a whole lot, but yeah, yeah, that's a non starter. Like you just already know that will never work. And you don't try to make it work. It's a non starter. Well, women don't even teach up. So we we don't honor our devil. We don't honor our long serves. We think eventually you'll give us what we can't live without. And you'll stop doing what we can't away. Instead of what's talking about this. These are the things I can't live with and I can't live without. Do you agree? That would be so honest. So as a man to your question. This is how I think if you're going to be with me. This is something you need to do. You got 12 days for that. This is a getting to know this is the due diligence dying. I just want to play out in case you haven't noticed. This is who I am. Which is one of the things we teach what you can and cannot change about me. You all are willing to change so many behaviors. But you're not only to yourself. It's what you don't know. What firmer, softer, glow your skin while you sleep. Use my code L in 2026 to get 10% off OSEA's new dream bio retinal body serum. OSEA is my favorite go to clean vegan cruelty free skin and body care brand that I've been using for years now. 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So in your book, you talk a lot about, you speak to women in the Queen's Code about how to speak to men that best resonates with them. I feel like it was at a fair description a little bit. You probably have a much more eloquent way to explain it. It's, it's bigger than the rest much, much bigger, right? I think Bert would call it speaks to the action command center. Okay. Many of the words that we use, like issues, that's had actionable. That's something that's insulting an issue. I have a problem. Yes. A problem actionable. So yeah, the hero language is a, is specific in it. It's about action, the action that they consider is theirs to take. So is there a language for men to learn about women that best resonates with them? Or what would be the word for the woman for woman, not the command center I imagine? I don't think anybody's ever asked me that. Really? Is that I? That is all because I don't know why I didn't write it down. I just thought of it as you were saying it. Okay. So this is something that men don't know about women and women don't know why they cannot do it. And it has to do with win. Can I give like a framework that I've been looking at for the last year? Yeah. This has come with the downloading of the King's Code. Please do. Which way the way you had folks responding to our first interview asking when's the King's Code coming before I was told it's called the King's Code. Yeah. And so it started downloading last August and it has to do with experiencing being secure through productivity versus feeling safe through connect. And so the question, how are you? If a person is in a productivity state of mind, you want to know what you're dealing with. It's a fact that you're looking for to base decisions upon capacities deliushing body's good heads bad. That's good body's lame today. How are you? I'm fine. I'm great. Okay. It's going down in the capacities department. This is what I'm dealing with. All about productivity. Well, you asked the woman in an open state of mind. How are you? Come it. So to be truthful, accurate and complete. I'm going to tell you about my physical self, my mental self, my emotional self, my spiritual self, maybe my ethereal self, and anybody who I count as myself. So my three children, my grandchildren, my boyfriend, my best friend, everybody that is part of the realm of the Queen. She's part of they are part of how she is. And so I'm going to tell you all about this. And all you want to know is, are you funny? Are you okay? Are you good to go? You need to go. Good luck. It's so what we encourage from men to not have the life to get at them. Well, someone's answering, how are you? Is instead, find out from a woman, and you can find out both. What is the, what is your productivity question for me? What's going to give me your status? What I can count on you for today. But on the other side, one of the most important things I do is to find out for the women in their life. Many daughters do you have? Two girls and three boys. So this would include your daughters, all ages, find out what their favorite questions are. And it's going to have everything to do with what they're driven to do that they love to do. So like there are people who are driven to learn and love learning. So instead of saying, how are you? Do you say, when do you learn? But you can ask that question, not when you're looking for productivity, when you're feeding the need for connectivity. What did you learn today? And now she'll be talking about something she's passionate about. You'll be able to stand it for much longer because the life force is literally flowing to you. It's a battery recharge when you ask women about their question. Yes? Yeah. There's just questions that are going to, they're going to get to it. What's it like to be you now? That's a great question. So much of the questions, so much of the questions like, honey, how would you take? For her, that's a connectivity question. Yeah. For a man, it could be something it doesn't want to think about anymore. Over, but she'll take it as you don't want to connect. Instead of the wrong question, wrong time, right? Because we usually, you get that question walking door. Our brain just works so differently. And maybe this was the thing, but maybe not. Another thing that showed up with the downloading and themes code was that, that whether we're in a producing result state of mind, what we call committed state of mind, or we're an open state of mind, we naturally scan for strength. And this isn't just healing. Watch any two dogs measure each other. Right? So we scan for strength. And what women don't know about men choosing mates is, and so what men don't know is that women don't know this, that you guys are like natural team builders. So you're scanning for complimentary strokes. You're not scanning for someone who's like you, which men have told me, "Oh, we're never again. I don't want someone who's like me." And so women don't know that men are scanning for strength. Women don't know how much strength men see in women, and what they see as strength, like peace for me. Oh, that's awesome. That is a strength. And the men don't know that women are scanning for strength, but then where we perceive strength, now we are desperate to connect. Because whether it's at the conscious level or not, we believe that only if we have a good connection, will you use your strength for me instead of against? So where we see strength, the perception of strength causes chemistry, and then we're desperate to connect with the man that we have chemistry, the chemical reaction to. Every single day, like at some point in the middle of the day, she feels just, let's just sit down and connect. And that's always my natural react, not always. So she brings that word almost every day. So what can I do in most moments when I feel like I'm working on something else, and she wants to connect without hurting her family? Because, yeah, because he'll give like a. and then ends like, "Oh, you hate me. You think I'm annoying." The couple things. First, you change the question. Okay. Honey, let me know when would be a good time to connect. And you may not be able to let me know right now. He's got to finish what he's doing. And then, "Hey, I can connect now. Can you connect now?" Or "Six of luck." You could do that. Or of. My boyfriend, God bless him. We were one distance, and then I moved to his backyard. And I saw more of him. What a good distance than I saw in his backyard. And I was starving for attention, which is another thing that men don't know about women, that while trust and respect is a man's access to productivity, greater productivity, and therefore security, interest and attention is our access to connection and feeling safe. So if you're not paying attention, and I wish men could have a one-scwalk in their head, if their wives are saying, "I'm not getting enough attention," that should be five-a-long fire. Because attention is a safety concern for us. And if I can't get enough attention from this strong person, I've got to get it from another strong person. And. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I be up about this, with Dan. I love this man. I swear a great sentence to me. Which is one of the first things I call my boyfriend. That my late husband called the character. Wow. That was a sword and question. Shit, and my husband's very much evolved in their life, and he probably picked you. We're on the phone, and I'm thinking. No, no, this is your chance. He didn't write. Do it. It was real quiet, and I'm thinking, oh, he's really here. Hmm. I can feel him. Well, nice energy. Wow. He's a keeper. Who got so many of those moments? Yeah, I can tell him, all I want, I can cry on his birthday. I can cry while there's a day. I can. It was amazing about it. But anyhow, so when he got it, that I was not getting enough attention, even though he changed him. His mistress is installed in the backyard. She's not getting enough attention. And so this is. So what he did, he invented, and we call them laydowns, and then we have nicknips. So he says, okay, this is what we're going to do. This dude glist. Every day. We're going to pick a time. You'll pick the time because you're busy now. And we're going to pick a time. And I'll come over here. You'll come over there. Well, I do. You can snuggle, talk, think at frisky. We'll lie down. I cried that he was willing to give that to me. He was so. Really? Do we have her? And. When things is important, is. My part is texting him. I text him. Laydown, 3.30? 5.30? And then he texts back. When? But I have to bring to him the possible wins in my schedule for laydown. And the whole point is to pay attention. The whole point is to get it. I love that. It's a miracle. It's now been three and a half years. Three and a half years of laydowns. Rarely missed. Rarely missed. It's amazing. And we have names for it now. Like, does one I call a dirty gun? It's not really a thing. We were out doing chores. And the plan was to do the laydown after we were doing chores. Now, we live in the country. Right? The chores involved manure. And. It's where we were really dirty at the end of the chores. But we were too tired to take a shower. So I took a sheet out and I put it in my pants. And we haven't dirtyed it. Dashleeve, maybe that's something you got in the LLC. Or something. I have noticed sometimes, like, I don't know. Like, I've been in the old something. You're like, how about. He also did me a suggestion on a time going on. Okay. Yeah. That might be because that's when you were naked before that. Or you were feeling really indicted. And it's just the trend of the horror. I'm doing something against you. Or they don't fear that. Yeah. And denying you that thing. Or that's never that's never my attention. Yeah. They get haspaned. A couple about that or something. But 99 because of the time it's not. I mean, how the partnership works is it? Is figuring out. This would be the best way to ask. Right? Like, so for you to tell Elling, if you said when would be a good time to connect. Or in the morning. But let's look at our sketches and see when would be a good time to count. And then they'll get all appointment about it. You kind of have some easy life. And my kids. Sometimes the connection I need doesn't need to be a solid 30 minutes together. It's just a moment of looking at each other happily and embracing for a second. You know, and if I don't get that at all throughout the day, I'm feeling like we're roommates. Yeah. I'm starting to be, um, hello. I thought I was like, love your life. And he's like, what? We're just like doing the stuff we have to do today. We're doing stairhugs. A version of stairhubs. Dan's like nine inches taller than I am. And so we do stairhugs. Just. Stay when I stairhub. Yeah. And then I go into position with the quick fix or connecting that can happen many times. And then the thing about not feeling like roommates. Just hold it for like two or three seconds longer. Like kiss, kiss and put your consciousness awareness in your lips. Talk about keeping the embers going. Which when the embers are going, it feels like you feel like lovers. You're not roommates. You're lovers. I can't worry. Last time I had sex, but I don't wear lovers. It's a field. It's an energy. It's a home. And that's that. Yeah. It's a home. It's a spark. It's a home. The time to be present to be a person. Yeah. Yeah, because it's easy to not be that way with how much we are going on and home educating all five of them in the sports. And he's a coach for all their sports. And. Well, what did that come to my mind was almost every day too much to me. It would be like, can we connect? Good. I mean, let's talk on couch that almost every day. It's like, I get that signal. And normally she responds like. So what can men do to ask the question in the better way or set it up in a better way so that you get a better response? Are you talking about sex? Yeah. How golly. It's such a good question. You know, I've always been intentional about what my kids consume. And this intentionality doesn't apply only to the food we put in our bodies. It extends to what they watch and read too, which is why I love Brave Plus. Because let's be honest, so much of what's out there for kids is allowed fast and overstimulating and not in a good way. Bright flashing lights, hyper dopamine grabs and content that doesn't even align with the values we teach and model in our homes. Media today is designed to hook their attention and not nourish their hearts and minds. And that's the same reason I'm intentional with food. I want nourishment, not just empty calories. So I trust Brave Plus, a streaming platform where every show is curated by parents and crafted for kids with no ads, no harmful messages and no over stimulation. The content is chosen to help build character, spark, imagination, and support healthy development. Not undermine it. And one of my favorite parts is the Brave Book Club. Every month, we get a new book delivered straight to our door that teaches a different character building value through imaginative stories and activities. My kids are completely obsessed with it. So right now, head to bravebooks.com/ellin to get 20% off the book club and enjoy full access to Brave Plus completely free with your subscription. It is such a good deal. With Brave Plus, it's never been easier to be intentional about your kids' entertainment, the way you already are about everything else that matters most. I am pro-sex. Yeah. Because it's so good for people. It's so important. It's so good for individual health and it's so good for a couple of weeks. And, oh gosh. We dedicate probably an hour of understanding women, our online course, not the audible one of how to support a woman and have enough sex. And it depends on her state of mind. You can tell a woman's state of mind by how she moves. If she's going straight lines and her body's all just moving forward, she's in a committed state of light. How you ask her for sex is when would be a good time to have sex. Eight o'clock. Be there, be square. And now this gets into men don't want sex scheduled because they worry about performing. And so they ask for sex when they want sex because then they know they can perform. But as a woman, you all are springing sex on it. What's springing it on? Because you don't know when you're ahead, you're already getting in the zone of it and then you say something like. And you think when you go that that's going to transmit into our head, the most fun in the world is going to happen with you now. If I say yes, no. Yeah, or she's doing dishes. We're going to do it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So something men don't know about women women don't know what themselves is oxy Jo's oxy Jo's and is the bonding hormone ton of research done on it. I don't you can keep up anymore. It's the bonding hormone. It's the I can care about you. I can give a fly part of what you need or I can't. So oxy Jo's is I I can care about you. I I can close to you. And it's also the the orgasm hormone. And ton of oxygen is spent in sex. So I call the oxygen count. So when you're like, right? Consciously besides the schedule and everything has to get done. There's a checking of the oxy Jo's and the count. And if we don't have enough oxy to sing and most women don't even know, don't owe this. If we don't have enough oxy to sing sex will depress us. Yeah, I mean for a man, how could take to ever be bad when you don't have enough oxy Jo's and you can be left depressed. Which is why women get so upset about men falling asleep. We just spiked a bunch of testosterone. We got to put some more. So we're trying to. We're trying to because we're depleted because we didn't have enough oxy to sing. Should be able to spend that. And if a woman doesn't have enough oxy to sing, she can't have an orgasm. The four oxy to sing we have the more like, yeah. I learned this from my husband because I brought him some questions from our understanding sex and intimacy panel. And I and I picked out some loans and I wherever was, how do you like women to initiate sex? And he looked at the question, he said, I like all the ways he can initiate sex. I just wish you would do them when it's going to happen in the next five minutes. And that's when I got it. It's like, oh my gosh. He wants me to initiate sex the way he initiate sex. And I want him to initiate sex the way I initiate sex. Honey, can we have sex tonight? I'm asking that in the morning. Can we have sex tonight? I don't know. I don't know. So I realized that that's why he would just bring it on me because he knew, right? Yeah. I'm good to go. Let's do it. And but if a woman, if you ask for like hours in advance, we consciously or unconsciously shift the way that we do things. And we're unconsciously even building test building oxytocin, which red make hand motions. I don't know if these count, but they make hand motions, although they're like that. Oh no. But wipe me down the calories, fold these clothes, vacuuming, dusting. I have to say our housekeepers have better sex than we do. Because all those red with hand motions build oxytocin. But only back to the thing, put a pin in if we have plenty of time. Yep. I say dishes for the more me to build oxytocin at night. I'm just trying to get the dishes done. In a plenty of time, they really can do things in a way that builds oxytocin. That then has this be able to care, has this be receptive to the teachings. And so a woman who is attending to our oxytocin count. A woman who's attending to our oxytocin can be sure. That is so fascinating. And as you're explaining and depicting that entire scenario, I'm seeing myself and him in the whole thing. But what's funny is we just recorded an episode of just the two of us chatting right before this answering people's questions that people had for both of us. And we started talking about sex and we said that I want it to be spontaneous. And he wants it. Well, no, you would prefer spontaneous, but sometimes it doesn't work out when you have five kids. He's fine with scheduling, but the reality is as you described it, it's true. Scheduling it is more helpful for me to prepare. But the ideal would of course be spontaneous if I was in my ultimate like freedom. But that's really only when we're really at hotels. And it's like, yeah, anytime, anywhere, like the whole, you know what I mean, but that's really rare. You know what I mean? Because there's nothing in the environment that she's accountable for. Connecting emotionally, mentally leads to the physical desire to do that. But also one of the ways that women get hurt is they want to connect so they initiate sex. But they don't let sex. And so the initiation has no designing it. And it's her desire for you that starts the party. So if it's just like, can we have sex? Then we have to. But when we're needy for attention and connection and we will try to do that. We will, we will initiate sex when we don't really want sex. It's not about pleasure and desire. It's about getting your attention. And it doesn't go well. And it's another thing that men don't know about women that. And it's, and we'll talk about it in Queen's Code. And it's so beautiful how it really works is how much. The biggest turn on for a man is his woman's a desire for him. And the biggest turn on for her is his desire for her. But, but when we're worried about. Like if men have been rejected. Then they're going to tone down their desire. Like, like my husband would be kind of like. Looking for the signs. That I was going to say yes. Except for. I signed up as a yes. I don't care if I feel like it. I don't care if I want to. I'm your partner. I'm your sexual partner. I'm your sexual provider. I mean, I made it a bath. But I'm a yes. And yet he still had the fear of being rejected. And so he would start to get really weird. Because he wanted to have sex. But it was trying to conceal that he wanted to have sex. But like you said about that, like saying, do you, how about tonight? And he's going, I don't know. But for me, I want to feel like you desire me all day. And then I naturally, I want to have sex the moment we can have sex. Because all day I've been feeling like you desire me and I desire you. And we're playful. And then by the time it's go time, we're like, I'm ready. Exactly. Which I think is. There are men who. For play, like for plays a nightmare to them. But, but for play is what's needed when you surprise a woman. You shockers. My bodies, they can't jump with that. And for plays, have me everybody catch up. But if it's present, right? Like all day. First chance yet that we're doing it. Yes, then it feels that way. But if we're like walking past each other with the list. And did you go, oh, can you please get this one? You go the grunts of. Not even a sex that it doesn't feel that same. It feels like a look at an adjolt. I feel like I fall into the concealment thing many, many times. And then she'll get mad. Well, why did you tell me? I was like, oh, you sing busy. And I did want to get overly excited. And they get rejected. Because that's like the worst thing. It was like, you really desire it. And then you think you might get it, then you bring it up. And it's not a good time. When you're like, oh, just the ultimate rejection. It was a several. I mean, I had a 26 year marriage working the stuff out. And from being in mom head, mom head, and then business head. And then really in business head. Now Greg retired. And he would be concealing it. And he would spring it on me. Like I was leaving for five weeks. Do I do it now? No. I mean, made this deal. But he made the deal under the rest, which is not a true deal. Because I got so mad at him. Really not asking, trying to, trying to figure out for me when would be a good time. I'm the only one who knows when it's going to be a good time. Ask me. And so we made this deal that all you would have to say, because then he could, you know, do the man make concealing thing. Can I have a win? Or he'd say, I'm looking for a win. And I'd say. And the next 12 hours, 24, there's six, 48. 12. Okay, let me do my calendar. It's 6.50. Be there every square. Come naked. I'll be the naked one in bed. And I thought, okay, this can finally work, right? Like it's just straight. It's clear. It's clean. I want to provide. And then he did this thing. I want to kill him. I show up. I've been priming myself ever since I said 6.50. And I show up. And he says, it's okay if you don't want to do. I got so mad. I said, yes. Don't make me accountable for whether this happens now or not. I'm here. I'm naked. I'm ready. Don't be giving me a second chance to choose. Yeah. That's gross. Yeah. But he thought he was being generous and accommodating and considerate. And what you guys tried to be. Yeah. And that's him being considered. I don't want to interrupt her. She looks busy. But that's kind of like what a man needs. He needs to not be interrupted because he's single focus. As you describe. You're doing something. And you don't want to be interrupted. Whereas me. If you interrupt me to give me a brief two-minute kiss. And just to tell me, you know, I love you thinking of you today. It's just something connective that takes two minutes. I am so happy for that. And not even not even like. Oh, I'm. I want to have sex like right now. Nothing like that. But just like a connective. I'm feeling you. I'm thinking of you sexually. That already makes me feel that feeling of. Oh, I want to have sex with them today. That little bit. You just made me think of so many more things. I need to know that one. Okay, let's go. All right. What's one of the things you just thought of? Okay. Have you ever encountered a stainless steel mixing bowl? Mm hmm. Okay. Have you ever used a calendar or strainer? Mm hmm. Okay. Men. Single focus. Stainless steel mixing bowl. You put something in there. It stays in there. It might have evaporate over a long period of time. Women. No, we're the strainer. How sexy she is. How wonderful she is. How luscious she is. Every single day you could tell her that. And chewing it tired of it. And not only that, we actually need it every single day. Does she still become freaky? Does she still become sexy? How about now? How about now? It just runs out the bottom. Yeah. So true. Yes. And I learned this about men when I was studying what fills us up. And identifying what fills us up. And how long does it last? Like a good night's sleep. I'll have patients to about nine o'clock the next day. And then it's gone. But as I said, and women will figure out, OK, if I do this, I'll be able to be patient, be gracious, be creative, be whenever for a half a day for a day. And then we and men figuring out, OK, if I get this, if I go for a good run, I'm going to be clear headed for a couple of days. All right, my motorcycle. I'm good for six days. If I get appreciated for something six months, that lasts for six months. What? I'd never met a single woman. I had something last more than two days. That's when I got it. And it's one of the things that women don't know is the things that are like they're they're high-octing. There's things we can say to you. There's things we can appreciate you for. There's ways that we can admire you that it'll fill you up for really long. It'll just keep feeding you and feeding you. And we're the opposite. Have you ever heard the joke? An elderly couple goes to a therapist and a therapist says, why are you here? And the woman says he never tells me he loves me. I haven't heard it. And there's like, so the husband goes, I told you I loved you the day I asked you to marry me. I had changed my mind. I would let you know. That's so good. Yeah, there's just this assumption that we keep it, that we can hold it, that we'll remember it. Diffuse awareness. It's diffuse pain attention. It's diffuse disappearing. It's a diffuser. So you can't say it too much. That's the truth. Ellen asked me for the interview, what are the things that I want most? And I was like respect, peace, sex. I was like, I think that's it. She's like, what else? As long as I get that, it's on pretty good. Peace, sex, respect, sex, peace and respect. So the question is what it like, obviously, I know she needs connectivity. I know now she needs daily reminders. Well, beautiful. She is like, I try to do that already. I've already figured that out about her. I guess it's for all women. Yeah, that was the crazy one over there. So what's another, another key thing that you find most women fall into? Oh my gosh. When my best friend soon to be husband came to the understanding women workshop, I asked him at the end, so I was this for you because it was great. But I don't know why you had to get all these people together to talk about Barbara. And we all think we like, you can see it. If you watch it online, you can see it. The thing I'm about to tell you, women don't know that it happens to all women. Like women think they're crazy that inanimate objects talk to them. That inanimate objects neg them. So that the socks say, why haven't you trained your husband to pick me up yet? The pillars are like, I'm crooked, I'm crooked. You know, the drapes are going, we're ugly, we're still ugly, why aren't you fixed this yet? You really are a state of community and a philosopher all alone. But, but we all think it's just us. This is what I meant by when we understand others and we understand ourselves. It's not personal. It's how it works. And one of the things that men don't know about women, and it crystallized when a man said to me, why do women make their feelings the center of everything? It's a good question. A good question, right? A man, that is a good question. Oh boy, so what men don't know about women is that we don't make them the center of everything. They are already the center of everything. And literally, and I came up with a new way to talk about it. And I had this realization on the plane, this one, oh my gosh. So I've asked men where different feelings are in their body. And some are the same and some are just different for a different man where he feels different things. And there are different places, you know, red might be in one place. Shame is pretty consistent for people right here. I've asked men where do you feel happy? And they couldn't answer because they be no attention to themselves being happy. They tend to say women being happy, right? But this is what I found out. It's here. Happy shows up here. Big happy goes down the arms and high fives, smack on the butt, spike the ball. That's a big happy. This is also where you experience power. Happy and power go together. Can you see it? When men don't know about women is that the power terrifies us. Especially if we don't feel connected to you. Because we're afraid to use it against us. If we feel connected to you, then we're happy you're happy. If we don't, it's scary. And this is why women attack men when they're happy. Women attack men when men are happy. What's the example? Oh, like sports. Exactly. Oh, he's so full of himself. And we'll just have to take him down. So wait, why do women do that? Because happiness and power comes together in a man's body. And the power is scary. And so we have to diminish the power. So we will attack them when they're happy. They come home, they cut a big fish or whatever was they did. If it wasn't something that I did that gave you that feeling. Then that's a problem. You're more excited to go with your friends. It's supposed to make you happy. Why do you seem so happy to go on a trip with your friends? You don't think it was happy to go on a trip with me? Yeah. Yeah. So back to the original point. Because we can go so many places from everywhere. So women think of a stack of pancakes. Or put it like this kind of stack, maybe a stack of records. But it's like a stack of pancakes. And what they're called are feelings. It's a stack of pancakes in the same place in our body. Right here in the center of the body. It's where we're feel sad. It's where we're feel grief. It's where we're feel compassion. It's where we're feel joy and happiness and love. It's a stack of pancakes. It all happens right here. So we don't make them the center of everything. They are the center of everything. And this was a thing I realized on the plane. We never say you hurt my feeling. No. You hurt my feelings. Because they're all right here. And it feels like you stabbed me in the chest. Are you crushed? You punched me in the chest. I mean, it's a physical pain. When we say you hurt my feelings, it's a physical pain. And it causes a whole lot of mischief. But it's not you hurt my feeling. You you collapse the whole stack of pancakes. Which includes my connection to the eternal. Yeah. And and men tried to interact with that with truth and logic. Just like when you're screaming at the television because it's you know, they flubbed the cat in the baseball game. And we try to talk you out of it with logic. No, when you need to vent, you want to kill something. Put your shoulder to it. Help you help help you kill it. But that's not our instinct. Our instinct is to talk you down because we are terrified of your anger. I mean, it is. It's not just scary. It's terrifying. And this is why it's more terrifying for our daughters if he's upset than our voice. Absolutely. And and it's one of the things men don't know about women is that. I mean, we've got ancestral memories that are then compounded by trauma TV. And and in our instinctual reaction is if you're disgruntled. Uh oh. And frustration building danger. Raised voice. To us, you raise your voice. The next thing you do, you raise your hand. And and we don't know how much you're protecting us all the time. Even from your own frustration and anger. We don't we don't. We don't know that you disarm yourself. We we don't know that that's why you walk away to settle down so you don't hurt anybody. Yeah, that was something in your book. The Queen's code that you explain, you know, you were explaining in the book something about. Why do we like, why do men like throw something when they're angry? And we're just how could you throw something in your. So mature and then you explain it in a way that they're disarming themselves from hurting someone. And then suddenly you see it as this beautiful protective, like how amazing that is of them. That is instinctual. Yeah, and it's right things that you don't know about you. We women don't know. Men don't know that women don't know how protective you are. We think you'll protect us if you like us. We think you'll protect us if you're attracted to me now. We think you'll protect us if you're not mad at us. Oh, yeah. We think if you're mad at us, you'll just be like, well, there's a tiger. You all mustered with her. Take her. We really do. And also at women, but men don't know that women don't know is we don't know what honor is to a man. To a man, honor is doing the right thing, no matter what you feel. No matter how you feel, you do the right thing. Which is one of the reasons why men don't marry women they love. They know they're not right for her. It would be dishonorable to keep her. When you know you can't give her what she needs. It doesn't matter how much you live her. It would be dishonorable to do that. That's unimaginable to women. We think you'll marry me when you love me enough. No, I might not marry you because of how much I love you. Because I'm an honorable man. And women don't know. Men don't know how much men are interacting with honor all the time. And doing the right thing no matter how you feel. And so when you express shame, which is what you feel when you have failed at doing something that you hold yourself to account for. Oftentimes the things that you express will say that's ridiculous. You couldn't have prevented that from happening. Or even in the same part of the country. You couldn't have saved her from that. Basically we're saying you're not Superman. I'm not. I hold myself to account for being Superman. I should have been there. So there's this thing that happens and it's compounding. Right? You can see how we can't just talk about men or women that. Okay, yeah, women try to hold men to account for acting like a woman would. And thank goodness most of you won't allow it. There are men who are allowing themselves to be held to account for acting like a woman. They become self-amasculating. It's heartbreaking for me. But because most men won't let yourself be held to account for acting like a woman. Go tell that to one of your girlfriends. I'm not built for that. Call your sister. Right? You're like, no, I'm not that. We think because you won't be held to account for acting like a woman that you won't be held to account. Women have no idea how much men hold themselves accountable for. And it's one of the questions that we ought to ask. You consider yourself accountable for. And then just wait for the well. Listen and listen and listen. And yeah, you have to be safe. You have to not be ready to pounce because to reveal that. That's a huge revelation. You're saying who you are. And the women don't know that to conceal is the default for men. Conceal anything that can be used against you. And we want you to open up and tell me about your feelings and your emotions. And I will use them against you. I'll start by revealing it to my friends, all the special deep things you told me. Not knowing that that's a betrayer. But I'll tell them about it because then they'll know how important I am to you. That looks so crazy. So I have a question. One of the other things that I noticed in our first conversation that people had commented about that were triggered. Was that they feel that women are the ones that are almost always seeking out. Information on how to better their relationships and they feel men don't do that. What are your thoughts on that? And what? And whatever you think, whether that's true or not, why? Yes, except and because women seek information about relationships because deep down that's how we survive. And men seek information on producing results because deep down that's not that's how they know they survive. And men will seek information about relationships when what's happening in their relationship or not having a relationship is threatening what it is that they've built or trying to build. It's instinctual. It's not it's not personal. It's not personal. And it's not better. But neither is better or worse. I like that answer. Thank you. It was a quick answer. Yeah, no, it is. That was probably the first one. But I love the long answer is it's so insightful. And I think that that answer is not sufficient for a lot of people who think that we're the same, that we're supposed to be the same, but that it's okay that we're different and it's good that we're different. Yes, in the frustration. I understand the frustration. But when you see what's really happening, all that's necessary is a shift in perspective and language. So if you're interacting with someone who's organized around being productive, producing results, achieving goals, getting somewhere, then all you have to do is change how you language it. So that they can see what the result would be of whatever it is that you're asking for. I was I'd woken up, but they didn't know it. And so I heard my son who's probably about seven at the time. No, it has to be like eight because he was telling us a little sister outside the bedroom door. If we wait till it has a seven in it, she'll be patient. So he was watching the clock to make sure I slept long enough. So I'd be patient. Why? He wanted me to be patient. I just have to connect the dots. This is how you get the mom you want. This is how you get the wife you want. This is how you get the liver you want. So it's men will pay the same intensity of attention to the quality of their relationship with their wife. When they see how that relationship affects how they're productive in every other part of their wife's or it's diminished. But they can only pay attention to it as long as they think there's a chance to win at it. That we could get somewhere. There's some things possible here. Oh, this is worth it. But mostly what we do because of when things men don't know about women is how sensitive we are criticism. Men have asked, how can you effectively criticize a woman? It was something about criticism. Oh, do women tend to handle criticism or feedback differently than men? We think that we. Conscious are unconscious. Our job is to be pleasing. And as long as I'm pleasing, you will only procreate with me. And you'll protect me and you'll provide for me as long as I'm pleasing. So I have to be pleasing. And if you mentioned something critical, I have failed utterly and I'm going to die. But this is literally how it feels. It does. It feels like it crashes the system. And I was talking about the Saturday, the difference between pleasing. What a woman uses the word pleasing. How can I please you? Well, cook the green beans for three minutes less and let me salt my own. That would be more pleasing. Oh, good, good. When men talk about being pleasing, they're talking about pleasure. I want to please her. They're not talking about fix it just right. You know, make a cocoa just right. They usually it's pleasure. How pleasing and pleasure. They seem really close together, but the light years away. So when you you don't have to say something for it to seem critical, like, like you can state a fact. And we will take it as a criticism. The green beans are cold. You're just saying a fact. There's no accusation in and at all. It's just a fact. Let's see what facts. I didn't cook them right. Always say that I didn't make enough food. What else is wrong? Yeah. And what men don't know about women is that women don't know that you're affected differently by criticism. How women are affected by criticism is we change. We change. The green beans will be different the next time. And we may resent you for it, but they will be different because we have to survive. Whether we're pissed that you were not. We have to survive. So we will change the green beans. I mean, there's there's no protection. And there's actually been studies that show when a woman is is having her cycle. She literally has less protection. Like at a cellular level, she has no protection. So it just goes right in and she crumbles. And and men don't know about women that we think you should be affected the same way by criticism. That's why I criticize you. So you'll change. It doesn't work. It doesn't work that way. And I actually was wrong about this. There's a video on YouTube about why criticism never works. But we do it anyway. And I talk about four layers of protection that men have against criticism. And and I realize there's actually five. I just knew you're going to say that. There's five. There's five layers of protection that you have. And women don't know this about you, even though you keep demonstrating it. Because of what that person said about me. And then you say, honey, consider the source. Random comment on YouTube. Exactly. Consider the source. Now I thought that was your first layer of protection. Consider the source. And it goes down the line from there. And we can talk about it if you want. But women don't know this about men. And and we can learn a lot from it. But the first layer of protection that you have against criticism is single focus. Most of the criticism level that you you didn't even hear. You didn't even perceive. And we're like. And you're so lucky. Diffuse awareness has this being criticized by the socks. Our environment's criticizes us. And we come home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, asking for what we need without criticism, I think is a lifelong art form to pursue. Honey, you're wonderful. You're amazing. I mean, seriously, I could go on and on. And do you think maybe you could do one thing a little bit differently for me? What? That's a good way. Yeah, or. Oh, here's another thing you guys know, but you know that. The strainer versus the so I was asked to do an interview in writing and the and one of the questions was, what are your greatest weaknesses? And I didn't know what to write. So I went to my husband. I have to answer this. And so I want to talk to you about it. So I think this is one of my greatest weaknesses. And then he he told me how it wasn't that that was actually a strength and what I could do. And then I give another one. And no, no, no, that's really good for this reason. I told him. So I mean, I went through all of them. And he's like, no, that's not a weakness. That's not a weakness. And so he said, so what's my greatest weakness? And he said, sometimes you hang things on doornotes. Now my reaction is like, why didn't you tell me that? I've been doing it all these years. I didn't know you felt that way. And he said, I did once. He thought three children later, like that I would remember that once he made a comment about, he wished I wouldn't hang things on purpose. But I didn't remember it. It's a strainer. Everything goes through. It was funny. My adaptation to that criticism though. After that, I only hung things on my donate. I love it. After he passed away, one day was being careful and I realized, wait, they're all my donates now. Wow. How many years has it been since he passed away? Six. Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. I feel like we need to round this out. I could literally say you're for three more hours listening to you. But we probably need to maybe do a couple more questions, short answers, shorter answers. Okay. Okay. I'll try. I'll do my very best. We have three minutes. I've accepted it about me. Three more minutes. Okay. What do women want men to understand about us? We're fragile and we're fierce and we're strong and we're really vulnerable. And if you if we have plenty of time and space and connection, we're amazing. And if you give us a deadline or don't connect with us, we would become the worst version of ourselves. That's such a good answer. I think that's a good spot to end. That's where everything. Wow. Well, I think, yeah, I agree with you. And that's a great way to end it. This is so fascinating, compelling. Well, the time flew by to two hours was quick. Yeah. I feel that. I don't know how you feel, but for me, I could say you're for another. You were talking a lot more than us. I know. I'm sure that it's meant a lot more energy for you. I'm a philosopher and I'm also a healer and I am passionate about healing the wounds that they're not valid. They're based on a misunderstanding and a misinterpretation and they don't have to happen. And they can be healed and released instantaneously just by seeing. Oh, it didn't happen. The thing that hurt me didn't actually have. It didn't happen. He wasn't ignoring me. He's just single-focused. She didn't think everything else was more important than me. She just had a diffuser in his moment. Seriously, like in an instant. We were listening to your course and one of the things I found so compelling was the information about relationships. What is a relationship that it's the instance of relating right now? And that you could just right now be relating instead of holding on to whatever you're doing with your muck and mire like from years ago. It doesn't exist anywhere except in memory. That's so cool. It's so free. It is. That's a whole other topic. There's no such thing as relationships and that's good news. It means nobody sucks at them. Well, I'm going to have to have you on every season. Next time you pick the topic. Every season. Wow. I'm going to have to. We could we could trade you pick. I pick you pick. We need to pick one thing and bring you tight. You're beautiful. Alison. I love your heart. You're just a gorgeous radiant person. It just like it comes out of you in your beauty and your face of how the love you have in your heart. I think everyone can feel that and that's why all that you share is so impactful. It's my mission. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for being on. That was great. Thank you, Andrew for being here. That was fun. It's so fun. We learned so much. It's so fun. I know. He wants your body. He's the best. He loves my body. No, he really is. Every time he comes on to anything, all my aunt is like. Andrew. He's here. Well, I just only do a couple times a year and. Yeah. It'll get much of me. I know. We're lucky to have had today. That's something men don't know about women. What? You know how you love how we sparkle? Uh-huh. That's in response to you. Women don't sparkle when they're a little just with each other. Yeah. And if a woman starts sparkling, we know she's thinking of a man. Yeah. You, you give us this sparkle. That's great. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. I feel good. It's true. Yeah. It's true. It's true. That's something that you guys don't know. Cool. You also don't know that it just takes one in you. Like one of you and we know you're for us. That to have all of us will say. When. When we had great celebration of life, there was a woman who came. And when she took a turn of front, she said. I never spoke to Greg. But I'm here to represent all of women. That he affected by being present in our course. And when he would show up, and I noticed, oh, he's there. Okay, we're safe. Just one man. Well, that's so cool. It's really cool. Yeah. It might be divine. Yeah. Uh-huh. Amazing. We feed you life. And you give us our sparkle. Wow. This could work. That's the headline. We feed you life. Yeah. So no. Wow. Thank you again, Alison. If you're enjoying these thought-provoking conversations that challenge what you think you know, please do me a huge favor right now and hit the subscribe button. The more subscribers we have, the more amazing guests we can bring on to help read that your curiosity, expand your perspective and upgrade your life. Thanks so much. Thank you. You Thank you. You You Thank you. Thank you. You Thank you. You