These Embarrassing Fan Confessions Will Make You Squirm!

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen the AC broken here it's a billion degrees and I might start sweating in the middle of this so don't be alarmed but anyway today we're going to be reacting to some of fan submitted confessions you guys are freaks let's go walked in on my boyfriend jerking it to a framed picture of my mom when she was twenty five and wearing a bikini whoa why is that hanging around the house honestly not ideal in a relationship uh. one of the big things that I have coming into a relationship is that I don't want to walk in on you jerking off to one of my parents that's one of my rules and clearly it feels like one of the rules for these people as well and you broke that rule so you guys should break up but it sounds like your mom was a rocket ship which congratulations on that I guess on the studes of pig though let's throw them out maybe call the authorities or something I don't know if they can do anything but you might as well call them anyway let's see what they can do the time I let my dad my phone to look something up because his fell into the pool forgot to clear my browser so he was greeted with an article about how to safely clamp your nipples for maximum stimulation good god how to safely clamp your nipples how do you dangerously clamp your nipples dude when I was young I used to put clothes pins on my nipples like just for fun not because I was getting any stimulation as a child I just thought it was funny yeah that's not good I mean now your dad's probably just like you know I'll be honest with you it could be worse you know you could have been looking up crazy stuff with like feet and pee and poop and stuff but it was just clamping some nipples for maximum maximum stimulation if anything your dad now knows that you're a thorough person okay you don't just do things without thinking about him if I'm gonna clamp my nipples I'm not just gonna clamp them I want the maximum stimulation I want the most out of life I want to live to my true potential if anything this is this is a good look for you I'm trying my best to for you to find a silver lining this is disgusting now let's move on my ex had a thing where he liked to pretend he was a gay rat and it was my job to turn him straight what oh I'm a gay rat oh I wish I was sure someone would turn me straight but I'm just a rat who loves cheese and dick I indulge enough times that I kind of got into it too this is fire this is a relationship it's an ex though something something went awry at some point but it wasn't the gay mouse I'll tell you that right now I feel weird thinking back at all the times I said things like I'm gonna turn your rat ass straight with you like it or not still not sure where the whole rat part of it came in yeah no that's what I'm I'm wondering too but we don't kink shame you know what I mean there's something out there for everybody and I think it's actually amazing I think you should look back on this with like fond memories okay because this dude has a very specific kink where he's a gay rat there might not be another person on earth that has this and you're like I'm gonna indulge okay and I'm gonna be this like conversion therapy master splinter who's going to life turn straight you know I also want to know if you ever succeeded at this was the gay rat ever straight rat I grew up with rich parents and they bought the answers to the SATs during my year of high school what the fuck you can do that it's a secret I've kept for years but it eats away at me the older I get I probably would have bombed the test otherwise a test eats at you who cares who cares about the SAT I mean now that I think about you probably still a spot from someone who is more deserving and and your rich parents just bought you the answers to the SATs I didn't even know there was a thing that you could do not only are your parents not they don't care about your education but their criminals okay these people are shortcut taken rich bastards and you know they should be held accountable if anything it should be eating away at them why don't you pay back the person who seat you stole in this college that you probably get into good SAT scores by being a good person from now on and you know I don't know if you're still in college or not but you know putting your studies first that probably won't happen because you have rich parents that probably spoiled you clearly there's no hope for you moving on my best friends husband whispered like why can't I fucking speak my best friends husband whispered I still wish it was you into my ear on the day of their wedding I never told a soul and he has never brought it up since I feel bad I never told her tell her now tell her right now dude what the fuck your best friends husband I still wish it was you what is I still wish it was you that means you were previously wishing it was me and and did you know that at some point that he wishes it was you and now he still does on the day of the wedding dude I want to cake them right in the crotch separated his balls like a division sign with my fucking high heel pal that's a rough one that's a that's a oh my god how often does that happen in the world that there's like these dudes like I wish it was you one last phone call or whatever Jesus Christmas I'm a male and my best friend is a lesbian but I'm still insanely attracted to her she confided to me that she has been making sexual content online for money and that a guy paid her a lot to have sex with a guy she asked if I could be the guy since we're friends and she's gay of course I said yes and since then I found her profile and have been making donations from a fake profile for her to do stuff with that guy again so I'm basically paying her for sex without her knowing I don't even know this feels like a crime to be honest with you it feels like fucking weird like this is this is strange stuff you're secretly paying under an alias for sex as a third part pretending to be a third party with a lesbian yeah I this is I don't even know how to feel about this to be honest with you it feels like a very confusing crime kind of why don't you just tell her like maybe you should just come out and tell her and don't lie and have sex with people because lying and having sex that's an easy one buddy you're not supposed to do that alright so chill out with the stuff I accidentally murdered my neighbor's pig no one knows it was me how do you accidentally murder dude because murder I'm thinking like knives and guns and that type of shit if you hit it with your car like I think it's okay to bring that up also I'm sweating like I did it right now I didn't fucking hit this pig I think you should tell your neighbor that look I accidentally whatever unless you were swinging an axe around for no reason an accidentally quote unquote killed this fucking pig that wouldn't shut up in the middle of the night then it feels like intentional but I don't I don't know that I would have used the word murdered accidentally hit with my car or something like that you got to just bring that up man I mean you can't you can't hide these secrets from people everyone in my life thinks I'm straight I'm terrified to come out to them I've been dating a girl for two years who also thinks I'm straight I'm just good at faking it I feel bad because now she is talking about marriage and kids and I don't know how to get out of this I mean this is a very difficult situation that I'm sure a lot of people have found themselves in at one point or another especially you know back in the day now it's a little bit more accepted but it's still scary for gay people to come out and it's like they they're in seemingly straight relationships but they're kind of having this thing I don't envy you I think this is a very difficult situation to be in ultimately I do think that you probably should try to come out at least to this person that you're dating you know if they are thinking about marriage and having kids it sounds like you guys have a close relationship hopefully they'll be understanding you have to also understand that's probably going to break their heart in some sort of way I think at least starting with that so that you can let this person move on with their lives if they want to have children one day and it's not going to be with you and then we can work on the rest of the family but ultimately do if you want to be fucking set free from this you're going to have to do the hard thing unfortunately all right before we continue we do have a sponsor and that is Seeky okay Seeky because where I get all my tickets it is a ticketing app you can go download it it's a number one rated ticketing app on the app store so if you see me at a sporting event or a Broadway play or a concert or anything I'm usually getting my tickets of a Seeky okay and I love their interface because they let you know when you're going when you're paying a good price for a ticket or a bad price for a ticket 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rocket money dot com slash Joe right now and start saving folks when I got my nipples pierced well we're back I was one month out from stopping breastfeeding I thought all my milk dried up but when the guy went to clamp the milk squirted all over him listen I think that if you're pregnant or you were recently pregnant a warning to the to the uh piercer would be nice to be hey man uh could be a full water balloon we don't know all right so go easy on the clamping maybe wear a mask like a welder's mask because I could be exploding milk all over the place I'm literally wet over here I'm literally soaking right over here since I'm not from a nipples uh or the milk just from the pure heat that isn't this fucking studio at the moment there have been multiple times where I felt bad for the guy I was having sex with because he was so bad at it that I I just pissed in his bed. told them he made me squirt. This person's a hero, honestly. It works every time and the guy feels so good about themselves. Dude, this is such, this is, now this is a hero. This is someone giving back to the community, but I will say you are enabling bad sex, okay? There are dudes out there being like, oh yeah, I got a champagne shower because of how good my penis is, but you're actually just getting a fucking bed full of piss. There's someone who just walked into a stereo at the moment and they just heard me say that. All right, as I was talking about this girl pissing in people's beds and calling her a hero for it, someone who works for the building walked in here because the AC is broken and I texted them and being like, the AC is broken and then he just walked in and then he's looking at me while I'm talking about that. So I just put my fucking head that starting back up again, but the woman is a hero. I stand by that. You hear that? I was so drunk one night that I was crawling on the floor of a bar and I bit a guy on his calf. He screamed. I ran away to this day, but I don't know why I did that. I'll tell you why you did that because it's awesome. Okay, you're pretending to be an animal crawling on the floor of a dirty bar and, you know, obviously picking up some sort of diseases that exist on those floors and then transferring that disease into the calf of a random man. I mean, and that's what you want out of a drunk night. I think that you might be a bigger hero than the woman that's pissing in the beds. To be honest with you, I approve of this behavior. If you're gonna get drunk as hell out of bar, don't dance, don't have conversation. Just start biting people. It's way more fun. I'm sure my baby is my husband's. He makes comments all the time that the baby looks like someone else. Ooh, ew, ew. Oh god, this is bad. I had one affair before I had the baby and never did it again, so I never told my husband. It sounds like he knows to be honest with you. I don't know why he would speculate that much. And I don't think the timeline of the affair quite match up for the baby to be that guy's, but I guess technically they could. I'm afraid to get a paternity test, but it eats away me that I'm not 100% sure that the baby is my husband's. I think this is an easy one here. You gotta bite the bullet and see if it's his baby. We can put this whole thing to rest if you just get a paternity test. And listen, if it's not his baby, he deserves to know that. He just deserves to know that. This is a tough one man. The more you let it go, the worse it's just gonna be. You can't do that. You can't. You gotta, you gotta patern it. You gotta patern the baby. I have such a bad porn addiction that most nights I just watch a porn movie like it's a regular movie. I don't even do anything. I just need to consume it visually. That's bad. I don't know what to say about that. That is bad. Yeah. If your idea of a night in is, you know, taking a shower, putting on your comfy clothes, jumping on the couch with a glass of wine and some popcorn and just watching porn like it's goodwill hunting, you need to check in to something and like ask for help somewhere, I think. Not good. The porn addiction, of course, is running rampant at the moment among the younger generation, I would say. And maybe the entire male population to be fair. And if you're watching it like it's a regular movie, strange because it isn't great says it. We're also in the golden age of TV. You're missing a lot of stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of good shows out there. I understand you like porn, but you ever tried Game of Thrones? You watch The Prinos again. I just watch it for the third time through. It's still good, dude. If you feel like seeing some boobies or some butt sees, just throw on The Prinos instead. Just watch some Italian Americans kill each other. You know, put that on. It's fun. I farted silently two times during my first orgy. Oh my god. And it's the silent ones that get you. You know, you know, the ones that come out hot and you're like, oh my god, does my fucking hole have a fever? And it just comes out like that. And you know, that's gonna stink, dude. It smelled so bad the entire group stopped and made an announcement that whoever was farting would have to stop or leave. Which is fair, dude. I mean, when there's something that happens like that in that kind of environment, we need to open the window. We need to take a tee. All right, I can't focus on the orge if it smells like a swamp in here. Just can't have that. I've never been to an orgy, but I imagine, you know, within the first five rules, one of them is like, don't stink it up. You know, make sure you're showered. Make sure you had a, you know, you didn't have too much protein because that's what happens. The fart starts to smell like a garbage truck and you can't have that in this place where everyone's mouths and orphuses are open. Okay, you can't have to stink it in there. Ruins the day for everyone. Don't be selfish. I don't have health insurance, but I really wanted to go to therapy. My solution is that I found a girl and only fans with a psychology degree that I pay for one hour of therapy sessions. Welcome to 2025, I guess. During the sessions, you slowly undresses until she is naked. I combine my need for therapy and porn for the price of one. I think it's pretty genius. Really? Well, I think it's pretty damaging probably to your mental health. I mean, of course, you're gonna feel better when someone's undressing in front of you. You know, I mean, anyone who's a single guy who's like, I'm just going through it and you see a boob. You forget about everything that's going on in your life, but that's cheating. Okay, that's not, that's not actually addressing the problem. You're putting a band-aid over a bullet wound. Granted, it's a great band-aid. Okay, it is a good band-aid, but it doesn't fix your problem. Okay, you're not actually fixing anything. You're making your porn addiction even richer and you're tying your mental health to titties, which you can't do. All right, you can't do that. Do the therapy separate, slow down on the porn shit, all right? Take it easy. God. Well, there you have it folks. What was this even about? Oh, these are fans of the show. I forget that these are actual people right into the show who have seen the show. I appreciate you guys so much for writing those things in and being brave and letting me talk about them. I hope, you know, some of you get the help that you need and I really hope that none of you fart your asses off at orgies because, again, just one of the easy rules there. Don't make that mistake. There you have it. Don't forget to subscribe and we'll see you next time.