The Way of The Whites w/ Pete Holmes

- Your hair looks fantastic. - I have a new name though, can I do it? - What is it? - A, I do one. I'm Andrew Rice Clay. - That's really good. - Andrew Rice Clay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So good, thank you. Um, so, you know, as we, as you know. - Hey, I'm Sebastian Manachevitzvier. - I'm really glad. - All right, let's get off of our impressions. - Can we open that with that? - 100%. - You two are bad friends. - You are these two idiots. - I hate an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. - Oh, you two are something. - The bad friends. - Um, so, you know, I have a bunch of Filipinos living my house. - Too many. - Some would argue that you're at the limit. - You know, like with animals, you know how you can only have a certain animals in your house. - Careful. - Careful now. - I don't think animals in Filipinos should be. - They're not even the same thing, because Filipinos are humans. - So you're making the comparison to how having animals is the same as having Filipinos? - Well, just anybody, I guess. - What's the law for how many animals you're allowed to have in your house at one time? - In California. - In California. - I think it's five. - Five of each breed? - No, just five. - Five animals? - Yeah. - There's no way. - You think it's higher? - I bet it's like five cats, five dogs. - I bet it's like-- - No. - I mean, there might not be a restrictive-- - What is that? - There is a restrictive. - Total pet limits in some areas, like Long Beach resident, restricted to total four weaned pets. So they must be spated or neutered. - And have a business where I wean them. - Look at this. Three or four dogs are cats combined without a special kennel permit. It limits very wildly by municipality. - Yeah. - You know who your next door neighbor is? Met him in Memphis. At the Elvis, at the one of our worst performances ever. - Southern. - Oh, I know. - Spencer Presley. - Clayass, I'm the guy. - Spencer Sutherland, I ran into him last time. - Oh, I know Spencer Sutherland, yeah. I love him. - Sexy dude. - Sexy dude. - Sexy dude. - He's pure sex. - And he told me what tree he lives on. And I go, what? Bobby lives there. And he goes, where? We bring up, you're literally three doors down from this kid. - I've never seen him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's that's his song. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪ Hotspins are breastlings ♪ Spencer's Southern limb, yeah, whatever, all right. So I have, I don't even bring Filipino, I have three people living in my house. Who are Filipino? Who happen to be Filipino? Not happen, they are. And they are my family. Mm, not blood, but yeah. No, Jules and, what's their name? (laughing) Esa and Honey are my family. Honey's the mom and I have the two daughters and they're like family. We love them like family. So Esa, right, the youngest is she lives in the Philippines. Right? Where do you look at it? Huh? I was just doing the thing because you always look at them so I'm looking away. (laughing) You can see if maybe it affects the way that you talk and tell a story. (laughing) 'Cause you always look away when I talk at them. So I'm gonna start looking over here to see if that is the same balance. I noticed that. I was talking to you guys. Is that what you mean? Yes. Yeah, you will always look to your right. All every episode. Every episode, all the whole episode. So I'm gonna start going over here. No, no, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna turn this way. Well, don't you think that we do, right? (laughing) But what I'm saying is that I didn't realize that I did that. I don't know that you do that either. That's something I'm not sure. Do you guys know what I'm saying? Yeah, but the thing is, there's three guys back there. Can I get a window with guys over here? I understand what you're doing, dude. But it's like, you know what I mean? I want to have peaceful relationship with you. It's fair. You and I are very peaceful. All right. So it's like, sometimes I want to feel conflict. I go there. Well, can we take a moment of peace? No, I want to finish my story. Oh, sorry. Okay, let's take a moment of peace. Okay, so let me finish. Yeah. Okay, so ESA lives in the Philippines. And you know, she hasn't seen any real movie. Like the movie that she's. (laughing) It's making the boys laugh. (laughing) I think you're right. I tend to look at them and I will look at you from now on. I'm your partner. Okay. I've just been hanging out with you every single day for a very long time. Sorry. Like from your early morning to 9. I mean, so it's like. Look at the boys. Sometimes, you know, I bet you turn away from your wife sometimes and talk to three boys. We don't. Yeah, three boys that live in my house. Don't you have three boys in a cubicle? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, man, there's three beautiful men. Yeah, men. So finish it. I will. So she's never seen like, you know, Avengers obviously. Yeah. Because, you know, she's 18 years old and also, um, elf, things of this nature. So what I've been doing at night is trying to, you know, I mean, expose them to, you know, I mean, movies that I think that are necessary to why. You told the, um, extraceous, you showed them. So I showed them extraceous, I showed them extraceous, doesn't have the impact that it once was because every horror movie steals from it. And it's like, well, gore is so different today. Yeah, like Grand Theft Auto has more violent gore than extraceous. Right. But it was interesting to see, I've seen it a thousand times. So it's like the kind of special effects they were able to do at that time. It's impressive. They liked it. It was okay. So last night we did a double banger. Oh, shit would you do? We did. I was just scrolling down. They had never even heard of Mad Max Furrier Road. Really? It's not even that old. I know. That was 2014. Yeah. 2014. Yeah. And then obviously we saw that. They're like, we don't believe it. We don't believe it. We don't believe it. This is very good. You know what I mean? Give me more. Give me more, right? More. More, more, more. So then we did fury or so. Not as good, but very good. Yeah. Okay. Um, over the last couple of years, we've, we've, I've tried to do, um, Colin Brothers. My favorite. I know. So I showed them raising ears, er, raising ears. Oh, right. I've showed that. I don't think they're going to like it. It is, it is really kind of subversive and weird. It's so weird out there. Yeah. It's out there weird. Although it's a great story. Yeah. It is. Right. So you have to understand. They're eight. I don't want to say this. It's almost as if they've leaned in. They're not going to like it. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Right. They're eight. It's almost as if they've leaned here from a different. It's almost like they're from the Philippines. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like they came from another country. Right. So now I'm trying to look for evergreen movies. Oh. Interesting. So let's the fans start submitting it. No. So I made a list. Oh, you got it. I'm a list. And most of them they haven't seen. And I would like to add to the list, if I may, of movies that should be. Yeah, you have to understand they don't do slow burn. It's got to be quick, fast, hot action. That's why I'm scared of the Godfather because it's very slow. They will hate that movie. I think so. They'll hate that. My money's on hate. In fact, we should take a poll. But jewels, but jewels and money, the mom saw a taxi driver. They liked it. Well, that is a pretty intense film. Okay. Right. I think I think even the slow moments are building up to something very heavy. Yeah. Right. So how about dog day afternoon? It's so good. I don't really like it. But I'll just give my list. But that's a pretty start immediately. It's funny. It's funny as fuck. It's funny as fuck. So let me just start with my list. Yep. They've never even heard of Apollo 13. Dude, it's so funny. Great movie. Right. I don't you think if I framed it like this, this really happened. Independence day. Maybe independence day. I think it would love Independence day. I think they've seen it. But they like that movie. So they're not here in my next one. Yeah. A turn on the sunset. There's no. That's so weird. They're never going to like it. I love that movie. Yeah. Magnolia. They're going to hate that movie. Okay. But they saw what PTSD they see. They saw a nun. Oh no. They saw one day after one fight out after what? One battle after another. And they loved it. Interesting. They loved one battle. But they love that because of Leo. This is the thing. And you show them a movie without a star that they're familiar with. Right. Okay. That's the challenge. Yeah. Because everybody likes Brad. I mean, everyone likes Leo and guys like Brad Pitt. So it's hard to. When they see those movies, you go, well, I'm already in. I like that. Well, I'm pushing Revenant. So good. I know. They might like that. That's heavy. I mean, that scene with between that animal is one of the greatest scenes in. I think you can leak it at this point. I don't want to give it away. Honestly, that's noble. I was just going to say that. Let's not give it away. I'll lie. That's awesome. That's awesome. That rock. Massive rock. Awesome. Yeah. I mean, that rock. Massive rock, hoon. Big. So scary. And almost kill them. But then show them cocaine bear right after. Right. So what I'm going to do today is fight club. Such a good film. Even if you don't get the underlying message, it's still a good film. Yeah. And it's a smart. So I think she'll get a fight club. Okay. Because she they did old boy and they did. I saw the door was the cream movies are slow burn. They still liked it. Yeah. Well, it was a great film. So here we go. I'm going to lean into classic comedies. Hmm. Okay. So like Philadelphia, like classic comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That scene when he dies. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. Um. Precious. Like films that are just hysterical thrown. Right. I needed a Christian bail from the machina. It was. It was. It was. Really good stuff. It was. It was like you had it. [laughter] You know how about it almost seem like he had it. I love you Philip Morris I've never seen that movie Seriously, you would love that movie you've never seen happiness No, yeah, you would love that movie. I'll watch that you watch this okay I'll watch this you watch that you and McGregor and Jim Carey. Okay. I will watch this movie Okay, but you have to watch happiness done. Okay, so here can I finish my list is not that long? Mm-hmm. So into comedies. So best-in-show waiting for government Best-in-show they will love because it's about dogs waiting for governments a little bit harder for them to consume But I think that's still like it Here's a deep cut and you probably never seen it Galaxy Quest. No, what it's good. Yeah, yeah, never seen it. Wow Napoleon dynamite. They'll love that movie easy easy characters Here's my fear though. Here's my fear with a movie though, right? It's so not based in any kind of reality that character Just warned them. I ain't gonna warn them. What do you mean? Yeah, sure does you think he's a nerd? I guess there are people like that in the world. That's the Midwest. That's you that's McComb Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's you you know, Napoleon that dynamite would have sent me in Audition that I didn't get I think You know how you didn't get that role You know who got it Roy Scobo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right think Scobo. Got it right. Here's a here's another one office space Me and my mom's one of my mom and I's favorite movie to watch together great one of the most quotable films of all time great With fucking movie Jennifer Aniston why wouldn't she do more stuff like that? Yeah, that's who I want. Here's another one that you haven't seen Battle Royale what a good comedy You know battle royale. I don't know if I've seen it. Look at battle royale This Tarantino's favorite movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we've talked about that on the talked about this on the show Yeah, you you have to watch battle royale. Yeah, it's incredible. Okay, and the last movie we have on the list is drive Slow burn. It is a slow burn. Well, I mean it's strong, but then drops it's such a cool movie though Yeah, but that is a slow that is a tougher movie for them. Okay. I'm crossing this up and that's why I want the debate But I do think they the but Gosling's in it so you get bonus points on that. They're gonna be locked in on him Yeah, but the movie is kind of drawn. Also, what's the Zims on it Oscar? I said Yeah, okay, but I mean, I think the girls will like Gosling. Alright, so let's now come up try to come up with you I mean new movies from your point of view because you know, I did a quick through my library. Yeah And I said no to a lot because I just like they're just if they're too slow-burning or they're not gonna get I also have spotlight on here I love journalist movies, you know movies about journalism. Yeah, network and those kind of movies. It's an important movie. Yeah, you spot like Spotlight spotlight spotlight. No Boston spotlight spotlight. Yeah, that's a good Boston. Thank you. Yeah, Boston spotlight Say PAC the car PAC the car and I'll say spotlight spotlight. Yeah, okay. It's good. All right. So what's some other work movies? Do you think? Funny comedy movies are just in movies in general. There are evergreen that like if they've never seen it For a scump is an evergreen they've seen that everyone seen that that's mandatory the government does that when you get your citizenship Do they make you while they make you watch for a scump? Yeah, I mean that that movie they obviously had seen okay, okay, let's go Well, I would say that I would say if you want comedy the no, no, let's go. Let's start with action I showed them die hard die hard fuck that's a good one die speed speed Phenomenal to fanator to yes So much better than to then terminator one. Yeah, it's crazy how much better term it It's crazy that a sequel was much stronger than the original I can't name that for many movies Although people do say godfather to is better than the first one a lot of people like two more than one I can have that debate with you. I disagree. I think out for the ones a better movie But people do think the second one. Oh dark night empires strikes back better than the original don't look it up No, we're still gonna better sequels toy story - was better than toy story one. I don't please don't look it up Okay, turn it off. I'm sorry. I'm I need your pure opinion. Yeah, okay, so what did I say so far? You said die hard very good choice I might be probably obtain it die hard and I don't know how I don't know if it's still Translates it does will die hard three is really good, too. Yeah, I'm a I'm a die of four guy Yeah, you're the new one. I heard made me sad Talking about it the first movie. No, it just made me sad talking about because of Bruce Bruce Campbell Bruce Campbell. Yeah, my my acting coach Bruce Campbell Yeah, no cuz a Bruce Willis dog. It's so sad. It's so sad that we're watching a legend die in front of us I got another one a fucking awful and he's awful. He's the man dude. He's so he is a man. He's a he's a he him The six cents is a good one. No, they already seen it, but here's another one Signs I showed them all right Looper. Oh my God, I love looper. Why is that why people hated on that movie? I thought it was great Looper because you said Bruce Willis. I know. Well, Bruce's if you want to go through Bruce's repertoire. He's got let's go Let's go well pulled fiction might be the best role. Yeah, I think they've already seen it Can we do Wes Anderson or no? Yeah, Rushmore Old West you can't do new like you can't do like the Budapest hotel or whatever the fuck that was Yeah, yeah, they're never gonna like that movie What was the other one the space one in the desert? Oh, I saw that movie Yeah, terrible. I enjoyed miss by a mile I think Rushmore you enjoyed it because of a visual because the visuals are incredible with Wes I mean, I could do the I could do the list of Wes Anderson with it I think the best one is roll telling bombs. Yeah, second best rush more. No, you're missing one I'm not done. Okay, but my last third one in power rocket Love that movie, okay, right and then I think Steve sees you the life aquatic life. I would say that slides up my list really life aquatic. It's such a funny movie And then number five would be the Grand Budapest It was okay. It was fine. It's fine. They're really good though Powder rocket should be maybe maybe one. Okay, let's go. Let's let's let's not is this boring. Yeah But I'm enjoying it. I don't give it. I think people would enjoy listening to what our movies. I don't know You want to know a movie that I really like? Well, I thought that was over now. Well, I'm transitioning into something funny That's why I look this way. Yeah, you have to You have that what you just did is the reason why I worked I looked that way What did you learn when we shot the game show to get that Andrew sometimes has to guide the boat back to Reality well because if you're on the boat the rudders going one way and the bow is facing the other and it's awesome But occasionally it's gonna crash into the shore. Yeah, so then sometimes captain has to take over and spin that motherfucker back to That's right. You're John Lombard and I am. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Who am I in that anyway? Let's move on Spock, but there's no avalkans in your spot There's no vocals on the next generation. Anyway, so what what what in our world that can't exist? That's true. I'll be Spock you are spot 100% spot. Okay You do with both fingers. I can't do it with my right Whoa, whoa, that's good Go ahead So we made McCone McCone found a very pretty woman at at the at the bar last night and we were here We're having a little snack and a meal in a post post-round wrap-up beer for a tough week that we did We went and had ourselves a beer and McCone said that girl's beautiful. I see you. She's very pretty Question sorry day work as hard as you Just during that week. I mean No Are you are you being serious? I showed up on time, you know, I mean yeah, and I I added some things my improvise Skills and this and that no you did an incredible job, but why wasn't but if you try to say but you think I did better than McCone did better than me. You just asked me. Did you work as hard as me? No, you didn't know you did Yes, but did McCone work as hard as me that wasn't the original question. No, McCone didn't why didn't I get to go to the celebrity Celebratory meeting with you. You were watching movies last night. That's right. Okay Go ahead keep going okay hot chick bar hot chick was at the bar. He said I kind of want to talk to her And immediately I was kind of buzzing on one last night because I had taken a cute good amount of edibles and Not drunk, but I was just taking edibles and I said you know, you do look exactly like Lord Farquad from Shrek. He last night. He really looked like it. Yeah a lot a lot a lot a lot. Wow Let's go look. I mean if that's not McCone If he shaves the mustache, that's McCone Yeah, you're Lord. You're far quad. Yeah, you're far quad Lord Farquad men Yeah, yeah, I want I said to McCone go up to that pretty girl that you like so much and and have the icebreaker go have you guys seen Shrek And they'll inevitably say of course and he'll go well I'm here Lord Lord Farquad at your service and he did yeah, and it was killing and they're laughing and smiling I have the video no sound because he's far away But they're loving it. These two girls are loving him. They're loving it. Then finally the face changes I see him go and then she goes like this And then he goes Like this he puts his fist up like like you're you want something at the goal and you're black At the Olympics. He was saying black power. Did you do black power move? He did you you can never do black power Well, there were two white girls first of all, which I thought was very odd They nodded away and kind of laugh you have to do this. Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, that's the white thing Alki delki your thing, right? This is for someone cooler. He asked for the girl's number and she said that I'm a lesbian. And then he puts his black power fist up. - That's amazing. That is fucking. (laughing) - Bluetooth as a 50-T four-year-old man. Sometimes the rocket won't launch. - Well, a lot of times there's not a fuel in there. How do you get a fueled up? - You have to use Bluetooth. (laughing) - You already know what time it is, guys. It's time to level up. 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You can do heavy metal. - Yeah, rock on. - Rock on, right? But you cannot do this. - You can't do that. - Okay, so that was your opening line. Have you seen? - Have you seen Shrek? - Yeah, and then, well, yeah, Andrew gave it to me and then I said that and then they laughed and they said, but you also kind of look like the berries and cream kid. - He does. - He does. - That is in cream, that is in cream. - You think that opening would work for me if I walked up to a group of girls at a bar and I said, "You have a watch, just make a bull me." (laughing) And they go, "Yeah, I go." - Minion. - Do your sound, do your minion. - Minion, minion, minion, minion, minion, minion, minion, minion. - That's my favorite. - Whatcha, whatcha? - When you do that on stage, it's just my favorite sound. - Thank you, thank you. - When I listen to that bit, that's my favorite sound. Big to wee, 'cause you always go, wee, wee, wee, wee. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, that's not a good opener to me, but. - It landed, they got a huge laugh. - Did you get a real laugh? - It did work. - Of course it did, because it's self-deprecating. It's funny, it's easy. It's not saying like, "What are you chicks up to?" It's not like a bro energy. He just went, "Have you guys seen Shrek?" And they go, "Of course." And he goes, "It's me, it's Lord Farquad." Beautiful. Then they loved it, it was endearing. - I love the lesbians. - The one girl was straight though. - You asked for the wrong girl's number. - And here's the thing, was should they weren't seeing each other? - No, no, they were just friends at the bar. - Because in that situation, and I don't want any fucking flack from anybody, because this is my opinion. - Yeah, you're allowed to have it. - Yeah, yeah. I think one should be hot, one should be not. - If it's one's gay and one's not? - No, if they're both two lesbian couples. - You can't have two hot lesbians? - It drives me crazy. - Why? - Because it's two off the market. - Oh, you didn't even took it from you? - It's like, you know, it's like the, I'm gonna just say, do you know what I'm, Carlos, do you want to say? - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. - Two different markets, man. - Yeah, I'm gonna just tell you about the exchange in rank. - You're at the meat market, they're at the fish markets. - Right. - Different markets. - So my old hangout back in the '70s in Asia is this, right? That Asian women were fetishized. - Still are. - I know, right? And why dudes would get them, right? - I'm dating Danny. - Asian women would say. - But we never got to get with white girls. I think the exchange rate was very poor. - You exclusively date white women now. - I know, but I figured out the game. - He's trying to correct this. - Oh yeah. - And also, Himes have changed. So now I'm used to going on stage and see a mid-Asian dude with a hot white. Because just the times have changed. - Who are you referencing? (laughing) - What? - The mirror. (laughing) - Who's the hot Asian guy with the, who's the mid-Asian guy with the hot? - Me. - Someone that looks like me. I'll see with a very attractive white girl. And now it makes sense. Back in the '70s, '80s though, the exchange rate, we got nothing. And they got all of it. And the even white girls and black girls didn't like us. So I think we're the original in cells, right? - Could you ever date what you couldn't date? - 100% would. I would marry Candace Owens right now. - Oh my God. - I think she likes white guys. - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't have a shot. - But there's something about Candace Owens because I feel like I'll lay in bed and won't be bored. - I don't think she sleeps. - I have no racial preferences on anything, you know what I mean? If they're attractive and, you know what I mean? Indian I'll do, you know what I mean? I don't, yeah there's not one. I mean, maybe there is a couple. - But it's only because I've never met them before. - Well, it's not in your circle. - There's some, certain people I've never met before. And I'll never meet. Like Eskimo. - I would love it. - It's Inuit. - Inuit. - But with more of Asian slant. - It's Inuits, I mean, you know, you're gonna get, it looks like Native American and-- - Oh, I love the Native American. - It looks like Native American and Asian combined. - Yeah. - It's a great combo. - And Penguin, a little bit. (laughing) - You can take that. You can have that one. - You can have that one? - Yeah, I have that one. - I don't want that. - Yeah. - I'm touching that. - Yeah. It's just because the penguins live up north. - I got it. - Okay. - I think they got it. - All right. I was just throwing it on a joke. It's not. - I loved it. - I have nothing against Eskimo's. - Inuit. - Inuit. Okay. I love them all. Okay. I love Native Americans. So I've never met an Eskimo. I met Meng now. That's pretty cool. - Well, we had a ton at our show. - Yeah. We have a ton of Mengs. You know, very attractive people. - A lot of Meng fans. - Yeah. But there's, I don't think, maybe I've met everyone. - I don't know. - Close. - What you know what I have it met is that island, whether it's still tribal and they killed the Christians that try to go to the island and they kill them. - Yes, the term Eskimo is considered offensive, derogatory and outdated by many indigenous people, particularly in Canada and Greenland. It's a colonial label while still used by someone Alaska. It's increasingly replaced by civic group names like Inuit, Inucupac or Yubik. I'm sorry, I can't pronounce that. - Can I tell you a fun fact? - Please. right so you know those Iranian Lego videos have you seen those what is Lego got to say that's what I'm saying this is what I'm saying is Lego gonna know I'm gonna tell you why yeah Lego is where may where where is Lego head their head quarters Germany right Denmark oh Denmark that's right who does Denmark run who does Denmark run Greenland Denmark while they're yes right yes and who try to take Greenland we did they're not gonna complain not gonna complain then interesting interesting but yeah so they're fighting their war through this as well it's also ironic we have a lot of Iranian friends here in Los Angeles yeah that's even crazier yeah I went up to a meerkay last night yeah he had tears in his eyes well it's shit yeah and I walk because his dad's in Iran that's right yeah right and I hugged him and I whisper and I sincerely want I'm so fucking sorry yeah sucks it fucking sucks but um and he does it he can't even sometimes get in contact with them I imagine that no I mean it's insane yeah yeah and he's like I get he gets worried you know I mean and he told me the city that um his dad is in and I never heard of I can't repeat it I don't know what it is but um it's not taran it's like you know in more rural but he's still like scared because you know I mean the turbine he's in turbine turbine okay you're so good turbine yeah not taran just what I'm doing right now it's what I'm doing right now yeah I'm looking right at you thank you yeah yeah turbine was a joke it was well Tehran and turbine turbine it was a bad your play on words sometimes sometimes yeah they go on my head yeah well when they go over your head it's a bomber because it misses and it doesn't miss it with the audience though no they hate it I think so yeah we'll clip those no it is it is very sad and also uh you know um the end is near so there is a feeling of end of the I mean the other day we talked about the end I'm more upset on the couch backstage and we talked about he said aren't you scared yeah and I said I don't know what do you want me to do there's nothing I can do yeah he has a really weird way of like you know like if it ends it ends because what I'm it's the same way I feel on an airplane I I can't control this it's not I if the plane crashed yeah okay but what are your thoughts right before it hits the plane are you screaming or not are you a screen could I'll be screaming no chance you're not screaming dead silent oh dude you have night carers you see when it really is happening you're not gonna be screaming you're not gonna do that right on him that's silent he falls asleep on a plane and he has a night terror as it's okay I imagine I imagine what you would do okay I wouldn't be screaming the plane went down I I about you Carlos I screamed on the way to London yeah it's very nervous on plane so I don't fuck like really loudly it was bad when we took a flight as a family recently you did get a little panic to the winds I get nervous on planes yeah but you got to know that it's fine oh yeah I it just my body doesn't realize that but if it did crash we're on TMZ it's great GG Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino die with other friends aboard oh yeah yeah you didn't even mention your names of that no there's no way but like there could be like a picture in slide four yeah but you don't get a sign of the comedy store that's so funny it's only I want it god laugh I already told them you know that right yeah what it's got to be up for two weeks when you die oh yeah sometimes because when when a comic dies they put out for two days two days sometimes it's a day a day I get two weeks and they made an agreement Peter did sure it's weird to replace it it's just like you take it down and it's chocolate sundays yeah yeah the old dude that'd be fucking they'll break my heart and heaven that's a funny it's funny filming it will put it on our patreon when we die they'll take our name down and replace it with whatever whatever what what's goop show terribly funny yeah horribly funny coming up this week in the store as they take down to RIP Bobby Lee dude that would break my fucking well that's it you know classically in Los Angeles the running joke was that they always did the laugh factory that their sign always said make god laugh yeah and then the name yeah the store would just put RIP to the person yeah yeah but make god laugh it's it's just it's almost condescending yeah but you know what they would say a lot it's somebody told me this job go if you died they would put literally make god laugh Johnny's Johnny San just told me that's so funny they're gonna put god make god laugh make god laugh yeah I'll tell you in that scenario the plan goes down right that if I had a kid I wouldn't scream because I would hold their hand and I would have to have a stoicism but you don't have a child so what would you scream yeah I was scream yeah you got a scream oh I would add a muck in there what does it say I'd worse than it yeah yeah oh you said people giving the ik on airplanes no there's like you don't want to scream when the plane goes down so you don't give a hot girl the ik right right is your dying yeah is it somebody you're seeing no no he's just saying in general yeah if I was with a girl I was seeing seriously I would hold their hands depending on what they do I would do the same I think one forehead kiss I'd say goodbye I would do an escomo nose rub and in it what in it and into it sorry my bad that shit didn't wear my lesson in it with kiss in it good yeah yeah yeah but yeah I something you know here's the thing sometimes when there's really bad turbulence I don't get scared because you're at the front of the plane it's not as bad we're in the back where it's really bad in the back you actually are more likely to survive yeah you know that for the front front usually gets killed first yeah back survives you're 35F you're gonna you might live you're two you're to be your head is left through the front window of the plane yeah I I um during heavy turbulence I was asked for a drink you do what's like really really bad I was like can I get a coffee and they're just sitting up today you don't see building it what just a little coffee one and they're like it's insane no I don't yeah you know I always think of scenarios of what I would do to survive run to the back no I wouldn't run to the back what I would do is I think I would do this mid-air you know me you stand up and do the man Jaina while it's crashing give everyone a laugh as the planes do a silence to the lambs yeah maybe get one laugh right just get completely naked or something but um well you know I would if it's over the ocean I would get naked do you know why no I'd be dead so that that I don't it's about in the environment so the sharks just eat me whole you think they're closed without those in my fucking the shark come to you so now he's wearing golden goose I can't eat him yeah because you're gonna you know a shark a shark's gonna be on a beach and they're gonna find my golden shark comes up to you's like is that a made-worn shirt I don't want to ruin that yeah shark's like you know it's like a $300 shirt through that yeah yeah out of respect the shark has I think I would get naked so that they can eat orca you know I mean right they can just eat me quick I love how you think clothes are gonna deter these animals from eating you you're in their house they're gonna eat it's not that I don't want to get diarrhea or getting stomach oh you're concerned with their diet yes that's smart just eat me whole eat me whole one big gulp one big gulp right because they have to tear the shirt probably with they don't they just eat you bud they'll just take that with it it's like you know you know sometimes you eat a piece of candy and you get some of the wrapper in there no I don't same thing for sharks no I don't whoa fuck can I tell you what happened to me yesterday please so yeah so okay so honey went to colada's house right so I had no one in the house all alone and I don't know how to cook okay and from she eat healthy who does right I've never boiled a hard egg for I've never boiled a hard egg either yeah I mean serious I've never hard boiled an egg in my life you never hard boiled an egg not interested in it I like them I like them if I can go get them and they're made I don't want to make it at all except but I tried it's so hard that's right it's called something more or something more horrifying happened when I did that what so I went to chat gbt and I'll never go back to chat gbt again to like teach me how to cook something because they're wrong it's wrong it's wrong okay and number two I'm pulling them and I see one of the eggs and sticking out of the egg is a fucking feather what a balloon you throw a balloon in there and I'm like what the fuck and I have a photo of it yeah yeah you're not gonna send it to Carlos so we can look at it together all send to Carlos right now store-bought eggs occasionally have feathers on them it's less common in the United States too to industrialize washing processes these feathers are incidental remnants from the natural nesting and laying process sometimes surprisingly are generally safe you could eat it you ever crack an egg and then the shell gets in there and in your tire you're like I'll just eat it I'll eat the shell it doesn't it does not matter it doesn't matter it's cooked what's gonna happen it's just a little shell you poop it out you'll grind it up so this is the picture of the egg that's hard boiled at your house yes go to the first picture oh my god yeah and that that was sticking out of the egg see the one little white here right there there was an opening right and there was a feather coming I just got the shivers who I who I know I don't know why I'm getting I still ate it oh yeah yeah I'm still good why open it and there's like there's like it's not blue there's not like you know I mean because if that happened I would probably sue so now did this make you never want a hard boil again I can never cook it again hard no more hard but also when I opened it it was all gooey Well, you know, I mean, it was all good because I don't know how because chatchy PD fuck me up. I'm just buying pre hard boiled to be fair Okay, go ahead on it is putting an egg on water. Yeah, in boiling the water for 10 minutes. That's it That's that's as complicated as no, you know, okay, you say it like it's easy. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you say like it's easy But when you've never done it before and so this is what Chatchy DB said If I may if I may argue go off. Okay. Yeah, Chatchy PD said put it in cold water. Yes, right? All three eggs. Yeah, right similar to a boil. Yeah, then count eight minutes. Okay. I did the same exactly the way they said to do it You do 10 minutes instead of eight and that's it Right, but the Chatchy PD said anywhere from seven to 10 minutes So for me, it's like oh, I'll do pull out eight and a half nine minutes. That makes sense. Yeah, I mean, yeah Cuz I want I don't want super hard old boiled right. Yeah, I mean I want hard boiled Yeah, I mean, I don't know what happens if you overcook it. I don't think anything. Oh, okay I don't know nothing happens the the fart smell ruminates for longer. Okay, cuz it will it does make your whole house smell All right, so I can buy hard boiled eggs at the store I don't know if they're bad we get that we get these at the house They're yeah, but I don't know if it their process cuz I get free range vital farms, baby, okay good ethical eggs happy hands All right, that's what I'm gonna do from now on ethical eggs happy hands. Yeah, you don't need to do it anymore Yeah, we had Chinese food the other night by the way for something Chinese food some of the greatest food in the world when it goes in the fridge It does something to the fridge I Don't know what it does to the fridge, but it makes all the other foods smell like Chinese food It's in I don't know how they've done that something in the chemical makeup of Chinese food doesn't do that with ramen not Indian not Thai Chinese food goes in the fridge everything in your fridge is Chinese food now Can I ask you a question? I had a piece of celery. It was Chinese food I wanted celery celery with peanut butter. I was eating Chinese food. Yeah, it was bamboo. Yeah, yeah Can I ask you what brand of refrigerator your house? I think it's a sub zero. Mm-hmm. Is that right? I Actually don't know the brand of the fridge. I'm sub zero. Yeah, yeah, I have a scorpion fridge as well When you open it it goes get over here That's what I have. Yeah finish him. Yeah, yeah, it says that about your meals finish your meals All you can eat yeah, I don't know. I think that's my fridge What would you do you have a nice fancy fridge does those self-circulating thing or in there? I don't know self-circulating. Yeah. Yeah, what does that mean? And I just a way that don't laugh at McCone. I'm not a scientist Why are you laughing at a McCone? Yeah, it's like the way self-circulating sound you have a mini fridge You don't even have a full fridge. You're you have a little mini fridge. What do you put in there his mini meals? Oh, you have mini meals in there Peanut butter for sure. How does jelly for sure? How does Brad Williams not have his own brand of mini fridge? I know you should do that a self-circulating ground fridge is a sustainable non-electric cooling system that utilizes underground temperatures to store food Similar to traditional root cellar. Oh, do you have one of those? Mm-hmm. Wow. That's very nice. Mm-hmm. No electricity needed for your fridge. No, I have what you have It doesn't circulate. Oh, it does not. Yeah, I think because I'm Asian. I'm just used to everything tasting like Chinese Everything always tastes like the old milk tastes like Chinese. Yeah. Do you still put a box of baking soda in the freezer? Why would you do that? Do you not know about this? No, tell me everything. See look. He's nodding. That's a Midwest thing white batteries in the fridge batteries You put in the fridge. Yeah, I buy them at the store But you put them in the fridge and keep some longer. They can last a lot of time at the store Right, you know what I do placing an open box of baking soda in the freezer is an effective natural way to neutralize orders preventing food from absorbing strain smells It is funny for some reason you just open the box and it just makes your freezer not smell. It's old This is old white people stuff. It's like putting your cut. I loved because you know what I you never learned this Not only that like I want to learn the ways the ways of the whites the ways of the white Yeah, yeah And this is the first information you gave me for the way of the white. I'll give you a couple more Yeah, so baking soda in the freezer. Give me more way of the white put your jeans in the freezer for one full day And you can get rid of like if you say you go to Vegas, you get yeah, but what if I'm just gonna say if you get smoke on your Jeans cigarette smoke and like you say you go to a place that it just like stinks them up But they're not dirty. You didn't sweat them. Yeah, but you don't want to wash them because that fucks up denim Yeah, you fold them and put them in a freezer for like a day a day and a half smells gone Okay, you never put jeans in the freezer. That's white. That's white people. Yeah, I wish I would interrupt it because I had a joke I'll go. I can't anymore. Please. What? Please? How do I take the jeans out of my body? You can't go in the freezer. You're not allowed. What's other white white? I might have worked when you think or no No, okay, what's some other way way of the white? Yeah, I way of the white. Let's talk about way of the white now Is your butter in the fridge or is your butter on the counter? What is your butter on the counter or in the fridge? I think my butt is inside my on my body another one another another another Banga Gene another gene another gene joke pretty good special to on the way Hi sweetheart. Pete Holmes everybody. Pino. How you doing? How you doing? My name is Andrew Rice Clay Talk space. Oh boy, I love therapy. It changed my life and I think Businesses like talk space is so important especially what's going on now in the world Feeling our people are feeling anxiety stress. You know me and they're freaking out. They are, but you know it is now What hey? You know what may is what may is mental health awareness month. Yeah And talk space is the leading provider of online therapy They want you to strengthen your relationships and know that a caring license therapist can help you no matter what you're going through Talk space makes it easy accessible and affordable to face your challenges whether that's a mental health condition Relationship conflicts past trauma or everyday stress and find your path to move forward with resilience and peace plus Most insured members have a zero dollar co-pay and it's so easy to get started Andrew you can easily sign up online and get paired with a license provider Typically within guess what 40 eight hours. Oh, yes, dude. Yeah. Wow. Well, I got to tell you Bobby and I are both big proponents on this show We've talked about our mental health. We really do love love the ability we have to talk to someone It's amazing and I think you should take care of yourself not just this month, but every month But especially this month with talk space talk space is in network with most major insurance plans But if you pay out a pocket as a listener of this podcast You're gonna get $80 off your first month with talk space when you go to talk space.com slash bad friends enter that promo code space 80 that space 80 SPAC 80 to match with a license therapist today go to talk space.com slash bad friends and Ender promo code space 80 Avocado green mattress when I started at the Airbnb in Palm Springs. Yeah, right all the mattresses were avocado That's why you got one in your house too. Yeah, and I love avocado green mattresses All right, I know when I invest in something for my home. I wanted it to last Well, I'm so excited to tell our fans about our sponsor avocado green mattress Their certified organic mattresses are specifically designed to relieve pressure points support your body the way it needs and help you Actually get the deep restorative sleep. You've been missing every single mattress is made with thoughtfully sourced materials and built with real care So you're gonna get incredible sleep night after night after night It's comfort and support you can actually feel avocado mattresses are designed to provide both comfort and Proper support helping your body stay aligned while still feeling cozy. Here's the best part man no matter how you feel It's good for you. It's good for the planet choosing avocados one of the most sustainable choices you can make They're made with natural certified organic materials that are responsibly sourced they last longer which means less waste on a global scale It's good for everybody. So treat your body right at night. 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Don't you I mean my dream as a young man was always having a design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates Shopify helps you build and beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Well, here's the deal no matter how big or small your business is You need to accelerate your efficiency whether you're uploading new products or you're improving existing ones or managing the future Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that are going to write product descriptions page headlines Even enhance your product photography to make whatever is you are a better tell them tell them tell them about the purple the iconic Really want me to tell you I want you to take a moment of the purple telling you about the purple button Yeah, the iconic purple shop pay button. That's used by millions of businesses around the world It's why Shopify has the best converting check out on the planet also helps boost conversions meaning less cards are going to go abandoned and more sales for you It's time to turn those what-ifs into With Shopify today. That's exactly right Santa for your one dollar per month trial today at Shopify.com slash bad friends that's Shopify.com slash bad friends shopify.com slash bad friends Ladies and gentlemen's p-d homes p-d p-d p-d p-d p-d p-d p-d. I'm so happy to be all right So before you came we're talking about before you start before you start oh, I want to give a shout out to Pete one of our oldest friends in the business Who's a finale meeting who has a special right now available out right now on you? Toobbe.com YouTube.com. We're gonna put the link in the description down below, but please go watch. Please do watch it. Thank you - One of the funniest people on planet Earth. - I really appreciate that. Thank you, Plantino. - Well, you know what I mean. Okay, ask him away. - Okay, so before you got here, yeah, I wanna learn the way of the white. You wanna learn the way of the white? - I was coaching him on way of the white. - So what happened was I brought up baking soda in the freezer, which is the way of the white thing. It's the way of the white. - In the fridge, you mean. - You can do both. - Okay, very white. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - I can do half white. - I'm only half white. - Okay. - That's very white. - That's very white. - Yeah, ginger double white. - Ginger double, ginger double white. - What's another way of the white? - Double white. - What? - Let me guess. - You do polish your baseball gov? - Well, polish is such an insane. No, we oil it. - We oil it. - Yeah, we oil it. - We oil it. - Put a band around it. Although the Asians are huge in baseball. - The Japanese. - Okay. - Yeah. - I know you're a Korean. - I know you're a Korean baseball. - What? - Koreans love baseball. - Nimmie one famous Korean baseball player. - Johnny Chan. - Johnny Chan. (laughing) - He's so good. - He can do anything. - He can do anything for the Astros. - Anything that's a gamble. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What is the way of the white? I wanna answer that question. - Well, I'm trying to think. - 'Cause there's stuff like this, like in Penny loafers, we actually would put pennies in the Penny loafers. That's the way it was. - I was with a subtle, pretty good name drop. Judy Greer. - Let me grab this. - Do you know who Judy Greer is? - Oh, well, she was in one of my favorite Tarantino movies. Is that Judy Greer? - Is she in a Tarantino movie? - I don't think so. That's Pam Greer. - Oh, that's Pam Greer. - And they are sisters. Pull up two photos. - You know Judy Greer from Arrested Development? - Oh, I know Judy Greer. - Yeah, yeah, she's very, very funny and wonderful and one of my dear friends. She outwited me, I think, with the loafers, because if she sees a penny on the street, we all know if you see a penny pick it up all the day, you'll have good luck. You know that? But then she knew a second verse, which is like, put the penny in your shoe and good old things will happen to you. - That's awesome. - And I'm walking around with her and she's like, oh, there's penny in my shoe and I'm like, why do you have a penny in the shoe? - That's double wide. - Yes. - How are the crees with buying Girl Scout cookies? If I see Girl Scout cookies for sale, I'm like, this is way of the wide. I have to buy it. - You must buy it. - Well, fuck. - We don't do it because of the chemicals and all that. It's the worst in terms of how unhealthiness the Girl Scout cookie is. - No. - Oh yeah, really? - Oh yeah, it's the most unhealthiest cookie you can buy. - Tell me why. - Tell me why. - Sorry, Backstreet Monster. - Real quick, tell me why. - Tell me why. - Real quick, BBB BBB BBB. - Yep. - BBB's. - Science. - Okay, science. - I'm healthy because I like eating them a lot. And I do site supporting little tiny white girls with their parents. - Do you ever have Samoa Samoan? - I'll only use Samoans. - And Samoans with Samoans. (laughing) I have to go to the Pacific Island. - All I need is an inflatable chair in an unreliable mic sound. And I'll have a good time on a Sunday. - What does it say? - Oh, reports claim in 2005 safety allegations claim trace amounts of heavy metals like mercury and caramel delights, nobody eats those. And pesticides like glyphosate. - Get to the Samoans. - Many flavors are high in saturated fats containing more than 20% of the data that was. - This is nothing. - That's nothing. - This is nothing. - I need like a lot. It's not sugar, it's lie. - The guardian up top maintains. Up top maintains, up top. - Up top. - Maintain the cookies are safe to eat. - Ooh, I love the ratio. - Couldn't spell particularly. - Just. - Oh my god. - I like that you couldn't spell partly good. - He'll type in Google into the Google bar. - I've done that. - You've ever. - You're in a trance and you help, you help. So I was wrong about that. I will get at them from now on. - Thank you. - Okay. I just went on a talk show and they had these bars called David Bars. I was like, you know David Bars. - Yeah. - So. - That's not a white thing. - It's not a white thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Don't worry, I'm gonna wipe it up. - Okay. - I will reliably wipe this up. - Okay. - I pay my taxes quarterly. That's pretty white. - Same. - Never done that. That's very good. - This is socioeconomic. - You can see quarterly. - I've got to introduce socioeconomic tensile. - I'm not the right. He is the way of the white. - No, no, no. - I'll really listen. - We should tell your business manager, do you get really overwhelmed every time this time of year with a huge payment? - Bobby has no idea how much money is in his bank account at any given time. - I would definitely be fleecing Bobby, wouldn't you? - 100%. I've told him a little off the top. - His business manager is stealing little off the top. - I called this man. I called this man. - No, don't get nervous. I'm joking. I don't think they would. Because they'll go to jail if they're doing it. They're not really doing it. - He's about 86 years old. He lives in Marina Del Rey. He runs the business out of his apartment. - I've called him. - Oh, the business manager. - Yeah. - Okay, yeah. - I've called him and I go, "Hey man, I think we need to fund the bad friends account. We're about to go back out and we're going to pay for some stuff. Takes him about a month and I have to get back to us." - I love that. - Yeah. - I love that for no one. - He's like, "I gotta go chisel the gold out of this tomb. I'm keeping it in." It's, dude, honestly, you're getting stolen from 100%. - Oh no. - Don't worry about that. I want to keep Bobby light. I want to keep slamming light. Look at the space. - I don't know. - He's not stealing from me. He's a reliable one-of-a-person. We're making a joke. It's a comedy show. - It's a comedy show. It's a comedy show in what it is, David Bars. So if you look at a David Bars, it says it has 30 grams of protein or something and it has 150 calories. Guess what that is? Impossible. - Yeah, that's like chemically impossible. And I googled it because I had to know. I was like, "Our David Bars lying." And it's like, "Yes, they have like 300." I don't know this, by the way. Don't fucking come after me, you chiseled CEO, you gorgeous man with fucking muscle tone for all your impossible to even do that. - I mean, protein itself is pretty high in calories. That's one of the problems. - Oh, I see. - Well, it's one of the actually the benefits of it if you're using it. - Well, that's right. But also, I should be asking you, you secret muscle. - Can we go back to the way of the white? - The secret muscle. - Well, first of all, you brought up that. And why is that white? - Well, that's not. - I would argue protein. - The white, you why did you say? - Stop. - It's not. It's a little bit white, just by being me. - Protein bars are inherently a white guy snack. This is a hunch. I do not see. - I eat them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But you associate with whites and you're dating a white. You're. - How about a gallon of milk on the table? - On the dinner table. - Never done that. - That's the way of the white. - Oh, go ahead. - The way of the white. I also can observe, there's an observation I've had ever since a kid. You guys make up your own language. - Tell me. - But we don't understand. - Tell me what you mean. - Well, I saw the book. - Like, particularly spelling it correctly. You didn't misspell it. - Join, join me in the hot tub. - Yeah, yeah. - May God raff. Anyway. (laughs) - God raff? - That's gonna be my, when I die. (screams) - At the laugh factory. That's what's the thing. - Is that prearranged? - Yes, prearranged. - Home, big God raff. - Yeah, yeah. - What's our language that we try to hide stuff from you in? - Well, I first noticed it in the '70s as a kid. - Okay. - I saw the movie Grease. I've, we talked about this already, right? But I'm gonna say it again, because Pete's new to this. - I'm new to this, right? - I'm new to this. - I realized that you guys have your own language from a song. ♪ We come together like Shama Shama Shama ♪ ♪ Ding and I ding me dong ♪ - That's your own white language. - That sounded, yeah. - Here's the recipe here, but I don't wanna risk my comfort for it. - Do it. - Yeah, go on, no. - I wanna hear him say Shama Lama Lama ding dong again? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Go ahead, do that. - Is that racist? - No. - Right. - And nobody's saying, or think we can. ♪ We come together like Shama Lama Lama ♪ ♪ Ding and I ding me dong ♪ ♪ That's your own language ♪ - Nobody sounds like you guys. - No, that was the rip, that was the rip. That was the rip. I won't do it, I have too much to lose. - We can't even say it. - What's now? - Okay. ♪ We come together like Shama Shama ♪ - Oh, you mean physically? - So that's your language. - We can't say. - We can't even physically say it. - Yeah, but we stole that from like jazz and soul that we're making upwards. - That's right. - Well, we'll give you a soul singer that was saying. - It's pretty bad, but I don't wanna say it. - I mean, we stole that. - That's right. Here's white, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What are you, what are you? - That's interesting. - Yeah, yeah. - Honey, not cheer is a little bit wider. Cheerio, H&C. Cheerios, I think. - I think regular life is white. - Yeah, yeah. - Not Cinnamon, but regular life. - Just regular life is white. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's crazy to say. - Well, I knew you meant the cereal though. - No. - No, I meant the whole philosophy of life. - Remember that great sign felt there where it goes. The goal, the call your cereal life. - How about a bowl of Almighty God? How about that? - No. - You don't know this bit. - Because if you don't like it, you can go to hell. - Yeah. - Oh my, that's a great bit. - Is it? - It is a good one. - You're not sure. - Yeah, I hate it. - You have to fucking hate it. - It's one of those bits that you go. Ah, I know that. But then you do like it. - Well, how about this? - I'm a Weedies guy. - Weedies? - That's ours. - That's ours for sure. - Is that you, for sure? Cinnamon Live, what else do I do? - I think Weedies is the ultimate immigrant. Like you come to America and you're like, I'm gonna fucking be on the Weedies box. I mean that, when I say immigrant, I mean that in the most positive way. - Like, Shohei Otoni. - He's probably on the Weedies box. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Marty, the Marty Supremacy. (laughing) - Did you guys see the Marty Supremacy? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, he was the best Jason Bourne. - Yeah, you were one of the greatest Weedies box. I hope so. - Who? - Shohei, he's not on there. - Golden Gramps. - Golden Gramps is white, right? - Love Golden Gramps. - Is that white or anything? - It kind of has an Eastern flavor, like you must get past the Golden Gramps. (laughing) - Yeah, like a gate. - Well, like a what? - Look up Golden Gramps in the box. - It's an-- (laughing) - If you said nothing, what was it? - Because they had it, they used to have a brown bear as their mascot. - Yeah. - Why'd they do it? - Never saw 'em. - No, no, no, that's golden, that's a golden, can't get enough super golden crisp. - Super golden crisp. - Golden crisp. - All right, so I get through all of the way of the whites. - No, there's so many more things. I mean, yeah. - Oh, microwaving your coffee. - That's a way of the white. - That's a mom white. - We've never done that. - Mom white. - Wow. - Changing, how about this? Putting gas in your car before it gets to empty. That is remarkably-- - That took my breath away. - That is such a white guy breath away. - Okay, I don't even-- - I don't even understand what you said, so say it slowly. - What do you gas in your car before it gets to E? - Yeah, yeah. - Wait, you wait. - It's gotta be blinking. - 100%. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The light. - No, the way of the white. - I've never seen the gas light in my car. - Oh, wow. - My entire life. - I fill up gas in the same way they wash my car or get a haircut, it's based on mood. - It's mood. - I'm in a great mood. - Fill it up. - That's insane. - I'm full of it. Fill it up. - You know what white car says, one mile left. - Wow. - That's when I fill out. - What kind of car is it? - It's a Hyundai, make the joke. - I won't. - It's a great car. - Mate, did you make the car? (laughing) - Clip it. - Is this live? - Yeah. - Do you clip? - We edit. - Yeah, we clip world of the top podcasts in the world. - No, I know, I know, I know. - You don't even know. - I know, why do you think I would be here when they might spend it? - But the way he did spend it. - I would be here promoting silly, silly fun boy over here. - Please watch silly, silly fun boy right now. - It's really fun on YouTube. - Top of the hour here on Bad Friends. Pete Holmes from silly, silly fun boy. - Welcome back to top of the hour. It's 10.09 in the PM. - Did you know that's against the law? Like because radio used to be used for like, it still is used for like army and that sort of stuff. You have to say who you are. That's an old law. Like if you do like Syria or whatever, to rest your raid not serious. They have to go like WKBBL, top of the hour, 45-9. Because people would be like in the old days they'd be like, "Holy, you identify yourself." I don't really use it as well. - You're cramming up the frequency and they'd be like, "It's all these 103, 3, 2, 1." - Yeah, 'cause they have. - What year is this? That's what I'm saying. - World two. - I imagine, right? - Yeah. - World two. - So you couldn't hear. - What are you doing? - The poor hobo. (laughter) - I don't say you guys have a magic. - How come you don't pick up that frequency? - You have a magic. - Yeah, you mean? - We did. - Yeah. - Then did it cumber batch. - Yeah. - Cracked the code. - Yeah. - Nice try. - What a lanky gay cracker code. - He died. - He died. - Yeah, he died on March 21st. - He died on March 21st. - I tried that. - So in the time in which I read that and said that, he died. That's how good we are. - Yeah, down it. - We took Bjork. Bjork is dead? - No, but we claimed Bjork. - No. - Oh, is age? - No. - As an age. - Where are you on Mark Paul Gosler? He's part Japanese. - Well, we take him. - You can have Bjork. - Just kidding. I love Mark Paul. - Bjork is every weird white person. - But I do like that. - I suck as dick. - You suck him in part season two. - I was talking about the college years. - Is that the guy from He did rivalry? - No. - Fuck. - Mark Paul Gosler. - Mark Paul Gosler is the wonderful, the incomparable. I hate to calm Zach Morris, but that's what you might know. - Say by the bell. - Let me see it. - Say by the bell. - There he is. - And he's a half Asian. - That looks a court. - That's a court to me too. - That's a court to low. - Yeah, that's a court to low. - We did a sketch on my show where he played Ryu. - Oh. - And because we were like, okay, he's somewhat Japanese. So that's okay. - I think that's okay. - But then he came on and the joke was that I was firing him because no one knows what he's saying. We're like, when you do the kick thing, it's like, what are you saying? I don't like asparagus. I don't like it. Right. But he learned the Japanese so well that it ruined the bit and we had to come up with another. - His mother came ready to go. - Indonesian woman, it says. - Pete. - It's not Japanese. - Pete. - It's dry Mark Paul. - Why don't you call me? - I didn't know you at the time. - Okay. - Fair enough. - Although, do you think you'd be a good Ryu? - Yeah. I think it would be. - Have you seen a picture of-- - Pull it up. - Pull up Ryu. - This is like me claiming I'm ready to be Zangief. - I don't think so. We got a good Blanca right here. - I am up here. - Blanca's just a redhead. - Oh, Ryu from-- - Oh, you're right. Ryu from Street Fighter. - You'd be a good-- You could be-- - Yeah. - You got it. - Yeah, I don't know. - Okay. - Yeah, I just-- - Yes, I would be. - You think so. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Wait, you're looking at the same thing I'm looking at? - Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at it because I'll tell you this. Why? - You're more of a dull seam. You dull seam like a dull seam to me. I think you're more like a-- - I'm chinly. - I'm chinly. - I'm chinly. I'm chinly. I don't think you got dull seam. - You don't have the thighs for chinly, bro. - Chinly is built. She's got tree trunks, brother. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's one of the first representations of thick THICC. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - She loves it. - She's so fucking hot. - Aw, that girl. - Not maker, but have her invite her to do the spinning bird kick. - Ask her. - Couple good pauses. You got yourself a jerk, my man. You got yourself a heated rivalry, my man. - Hey, stop looking at that. - Look at that. - Stop looking at the porn aspects of this. - That is porn, oh. - Blur off! Blur off! I'm just kidding. - Between her and Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit for me was-- - Jessica Rabbit changed it in general. - Rabbit changed it in general. - Yeah, wow. - My brother was in a picture with Jessica Rabbit. We went to Disney, I guess. - Yeah, that's a Disney photo. - That's a Disney photo. - And I picked the one where I'm in the car and Roger Rabbit is flying out. He picked the one where he's in the trench coat and Jessica Rabbit. They imposed her over the photo. It's a picture with Jessica Rabbit. But they're supposed to be standing so close that her boobs are pushing up against you. But he was so shy. Bless him that he stood at a distance. In the picture, it just looked like her boobs were levitating for no reason. He was too shy to mash. I like that. - Mine was watching. - He sexualized it for nine-year-old boys. - That's what she was. - And April O'Neill. - And April O'Neill. - April O'Neill was the April O'Neill, deal, bro. Clip it. - Clip it. - Just like a rabbit real fast against we can see a photo of her. I mean, she was stunning. - Let's see if we can get this to full mass. - What do you think, big boy? - I know. - And incredible that actor. What was his name? That's against her. Bob Haas. - And then Cool World was like, oh, you like that? How about this with Brad Pitt and where I like pass? - Pass, we didn't like it. - It just didn't like that. - Cool World is to, who frame Brad your rabbit as dark city is to the Matrix. - Whoa. - I mean, what I love dark city though. - What I just-- - Good movie though. - So is a cool world. - Yeah, I guess. - I don't know. - Yeah. - Dark City was fun, but it wasn't the Matrix. - My cartoon crushes Wilmot from the Flintstones. - Nice. - Yeah. - I was one of a Betty. - Yeah, I'm being real. - Wilma's okay. - This is why you and I have a good relationship. - I like that. - That looks like a fish. - Yeah. - No, I always liked her. - No, she is. - Yeah. - I think they designed her. - And also Fred looks Asian. - Fred, in that one. - I think in general. - I always looked at Fred Flintstone and go, "Oh, that's an Asian." - Fred Freenstone. (laughing) - Fred. - Bonnie. - There he is. - He doesn't look Asian. - Yabadabadu. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - See? - Yabadabadu. - Shane Gillis had been sitting next to an Asian. - Yeah, yeah. - No controversy. - No controversy. - Yeah, exactly, right. - It's called the RuPaul. - It's the RuPaul. (laughing) (laughing) (laughing) - That crimp it. - That crimp it. - That crimp it. (laughing) - Silly Silly fun boy on YouTube now. - Yeah. - Watch Silly Silly fun boy on YouTube right now at Feed Home. - WKBBL. - That is an interesting point though. I don't think he would have been in that much trouble if I was there. - He wasn't there. - No trouble. - Yeah. - No trouble. - Don't you think? - I don't remember what he said in the comments. - Yeah, I don't want to dig into this again. - Also, the best thing in his career was not going to S&O. He got to fly as free as he wanted to fly. And then he got to make his own television show and then became the most famous comic in the world. So ironically, it was a good thing. - Yeah. - It's not just ironically. I mean, there's something kind of lovely about it. - It's beautiful. He made his own. - It's a life lesson actually. - It's a life lesson. - Yeah. - To have fun. Nothing's that serious. He's a fun boy right now on YouTube. - Yeah, there you go. - Everything is fake and comedy is supposed to be fucking stupid. - Shane did my new faces that I was hosting. - Yeah. - And I went up to him. I feel like an idiot, because I went up to him. I didn't say like, "You got it, kid." But it's funny when you're encouraging someone who's on the precipice of like, - Exploder, scar no moon. - And I'm like, "Oh, I'm being such a good older comedian." I'm like, "You got something new." I'm like, "You really murdered." - Yeah. - He murdered so funny. - And his set was really, I think this side of the line, not like over the line, but it was like edgy. And it's like this show, you know, new face. You're supposed to like, everybody's towing the line. He went a little long, and he did. I don't know if you know that bit about like, you got to hand it to the guy that came up with the special Olympics. - Yeah, yeah. - So he did his set and then he was like, "All right, I'm probably shouldn't do this one, but I'm gonna do it." And he did it, he killed it. - Murdered. - It was like the sound of a standing ovation. It's a bunch of idiots. So like, you know, I'm not idiots, but you know, it's agents and people that aren't. - Idiots. - Yeah, you said it. (laughs) - Feet. (laughs) - Double it down. (laughs) - And, but they murdered. And I just, him and Sean Marco Saraci both closed two of the nights that I was there. - Wow. - And I was just like, what, and Laura Peake, there were a lot of great people. - Wow. - Thank you. - You know these people? - Oh yeah. - What was you doing? - You're at the store. You're at the store. - And I'd like to see you coming around the store a lot. That's my favorite thing to say. - I've been around. I was there. - I like you. - I kill in the, the main room, and then I go and do, eh, in the original room. - You know what I do when I'm on me? - What? - My mind goes. - Film it. - Film it. Flip it. - Dude, what's wrong with you today? - I don't know. I wanted to burn you. - I don't know why I wanted to burn you. - I don't, I love you, Bobby. - Because of you, you know what I mean? You just, you know, we haven't really, you know. - I know, I love you, but I've told, I've said this about you before. When you're thinking, you look like you're getting ready to pounce. - Yeah, here's the thing. - And I get defensive, and I'm like, I better make fun of him. - He is an attack mode. - That's not true, that's what, so I've had this, okay. - Yeah, I'm not an attack mode. - Look at your hand, look at your claws, your claws are out. - You're this close to a hidden dragon. I'm giving myself the note, Bobby. I love you, I'm gonna adjust my attitude. - This week, right? I've had some beefs with three people. And in my mind, I'm like, am I the, remember when I asked, I out loud. - You said, am I the problem? - Yeah, am I the problem with all your beefs? - Yeah, and I, there wasn't a bottom theme. - And that even that little retort you and I had, right? - Yeah. - Do you have beef with me? - No, I have zero beef with you. - Yeah, so do you think it's because I'm about to pounce? - No, I think it's, do you want the true answer? - I want the true answer. - I come in, I go, Bobby, and I mean this in the best way, is it like a wild man? Like if I had five, if the doors of the elevator are closing, I'm gonna go see Bobby Lee tonight, they get off the elevator. Who's that? He's kind of like a wild man? - That's what I would say. - Wow. - So a wild man means, you don't know in the best way, 'cause entertainment is surprise. You're always surprising. So I do think I go like, I wanna see where I'm at with Bobby, I'm gonna send these sonar pings, is he kinda, is he grumpy, is he happy, is he silly, is he funny? What's he gonna do? So I send out these little tests. And then I go, oh, I got sweet Bobby. This is the child of, you know, abuse and trauma. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that's what trauma does. - I mean, Dan Levy last night looked right at me and goes, I think he have a mental illness. - Why? - Dan Levy. - Dan Levy. - You know Dan? - The very funny Dan Levy. - Dan Levy. - You don't know Dan Levy? - No, I'm saying which one though. - There's two Dan Levy's. - Oh, there's Eugene's son. - Yeah, yeah. - That's Eugene Levy. Are you that guy? - No, Dan. - No, Dan Levy. - Dan Levy. - Our friend Dan. - He tours it with Mulaney. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He look right at me and goes, I think he have a mental illness. - What, what was the context? - Bobby was pissing in his mouth. - You dirty bitch. - No, I think you're mentally ill. - No, last night the whole night, I was wearing these types of glasses at the comedy store and I did the Italian thing all night long. - Yeah. - If that's-- - I wouldn't stop in the green room. - If that's mentally ill. - The good said, David Spade. - If that's mentally ill, I'm right next to you. - Okay. - I heard that Chris Fleming, I listened to him on "Berbidly Is Working It Out" podcast and somebody heckled Chris Fleming where they went, "Let's go weird out." And today, my wife was on the phone with her brother and I just kept going, "Let's go weird out." And then I texted him, "Let's go weird out." - Fleming? - No, no, no, just my brother and all. And then I shot a video of my daughter going, "Let's go weird out and texted it to my brother." Just, this is the byproduct of creativity. Sometimes I'm completely on your side. - Okay. - Shame on you, Dan Levy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Levy? - Levy. - Levy? - Yeah. - No, no, no, no, he was kidding, he said. - Okay. - He was laughing. - Well, so was that shame on you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was on me. But I got my hands on these, and I promise I don't know. - Shame on you. - Who are the people you have beef with? - Well, here's the thing, Robbie Hoffman. - 100% big beef. - Yeah. - But then later that night, she texted out. You got net, net, net. - Well, she loves you, but there's a tension. - Yeah, but I didn't do anything. - Sometimes you don't have to. - Okay, Eric Andre. - That one's real. - Yeah, but we're good now, 'cause he just said, let's go on tour together. - That's right, again, same thing. - Oh yeah, same thing. - Okay. - So close to kissing. - Yes, like fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting. - Love and hate. - Yeah, but I think we're so close. - So close. - Or I'm acting. - Why did you have beef with Eric? I have no idea. He thinks this happened, which is didn't happen. - He called me about this, it did happen. He ripped your shirt, and you got mad about that. - No, no, no, no, he is beef from 25 years ago. - Oh, the original. - Aged beef? - Yeah, it's aged beef. - Wow. - Yeah. - A layer of mold on it. - Cut that off, and you get underneath of that. - And you bury it like beef. - It's no beef. - It's no beef. - It's no beef. - From Japan, yeah. - Have you heard it's no beef? - No, from Japan. - It's no beef. - It's, melts right in your mouth. - Oh, wow, not in your hand. - But it. - Who knew Eminem stirred for moo and moo? (laughing) - I said stood wrong. - You want to clip that one or no? - You can clip it. - Put that one on the trash. (laughing) - I like, but Eric Andre's accusation is that we both auditioned for Matt TV. - That's right. - I got it, he didn't get it. And he thought that I changed my relationship with him. That was kind of standoff, I shouldn't weird. I don't remember being like that. - Well, how old was he? Nine, what not? So I think it's perception. - That was like 30 years ago. - I think a lot of times we have certain perception. - Yeah. - Right, you'll see somebody have a bad day, but that you take it personally or something, you know what I mean? - We don't see the world, how it is. We see the world how we are. - And now we're on my podcast. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Just turn this into you made it bad, friend. - Yeah, but that is it. (laughing) - Is this a good wink? - It's a very good wink. - I don't like it. - I hate it. - I hate it. - I hate it. - I hate it. - You're not a wink guy. So you guys are a wink, he's a wink guy. - A wink? - Do the glasses and show them the wink. Take the last off, look at this wink. Love that wink. - Yeah. - What was that? - That's a wink. - Are you showing me where the moon shine is? - Are you talking? - You look like Tucker Carlson right now. - All whites look like Tucker Carlson. - Ah, the way of the white. - Except the Blonkers. - Yeah, the Blonkers get away with it. - If you hit jab and something happens, you're a Blonker. - Okay, if you don't and you're white, you're a Tucker. - What's going on? - Okay, I'm gonna give you white hand, 'cause we just before you came, me and McCone had white hand gestures. - White gestures. - What they're allowed to do. - Okay. - Okay. - So, I'm just gonna do them, and you see if they're allowed to do it. - Okay. - Yeah, that's our bread and butter. - Okay. - That's our bread and butter. - Right, right. - Still in the zone. - Yeah. - It might be a youth faster, but yes. - Yeah, we invented this. - I know you did, right? - We did. - Like, hangless? - Yeah. - Yeah, for sure. - Now, what about this? (laughs) - You are so funny. (laughs) - You're a true talent. (laughs) - And it's so funny. - What about this? - That's a no. - It's a no, right? - It's a no. - And he did that to a girl. - He asked for a girl's number. She said I'm a lesbian and he went like this here. - That is the funniest thing. - It's insane. - That's like-- - Watch it live last night. - Yeah, he saw it live last night and I go, "You are not, you guys are allowed to have black." - What? - Was she black? - No. - No, no, no. - He's getting clearer. - Yeah, yeah. - We're a gold medal and you're on the podium. In the 70s. - Were you protesting something? - I do think movies like Fantastic Mr. Fox, which I love, which has the wolf going like that. I have a frame picture of the wolf going like that. - But this is different. - Yeah, but it's a wolf! - Yeah, it's a wolf. (laughs) - Yeah, wolf can you do this? - I know, look, I'm gonna look, I'm gonna look, I'm gonna look, I'm gonna do whatever I want. - Okay, yeah, you can't do that. - You can't do that. Are there other things that whites can do that I'm, whites can't do? - Let me ask you. - Can gesture wise. - You know what I enjoy as a white being folded into someone else's culture is the soul shake. If I go here, nobody's going, what are you doing? - Yeah. - What's the soul shake? - Dapping someone else. - It's just like a (beep) - Dapping someone up when you go like this. - You know what a soul shake is. I don't know if we should call it soul shake. - Yeah. - We should not. - Yeah, yeah. - That's like the abonix of-- - Right, which we learned. - Which we learned, is it? - Look up his soul shake a bad term. - It sounds like it. I think just dapping someone up is what they say now. - Soul shake is inherently-- - Back here runs. - It's not inherently bad or offensive. Yeah, I've always thought that that's like, when you know that clip of Obama, he's shaking hands, he's shaking hands, he's shaking hands, and he gets to the black guy, and they do that. - Yeah. - One of my favorite clips. - I love that, I see that. - Nature, nature. - So years ago, I was-- - That's just you, it's like, oh, this guy gets it. - Well, I like anything that implies kinship. And if somebody's, that's why I'm saying, I know that I'm being folded in to someone else's culture, but I enjoy that in any way. I'm not trying to be funny. If I came to your house and had a traditional Korean meal, I would really love that. I would be honored, and I should be honored. - Yeah, yeah. We also have meatloaf and chicken papaya as well. - I understand. - Yeah, those are ours. - You guys love stovers, I know. - But that's me folding you in the mouth. - Or let me ask you-- - CPP is a white thing. Chicken papaya is our meal. - You didn't with CPP? - Do you know me? (laughs) - Clamp it. - Let's see. - Anyway, Pete, it's really good. Pete, look in that camera. - Wait, we have to end on a laugh. - Yeah, we have to end on a laugh. - Okay, let's try to figure it out. - That's just something funny. - You want to do it now? improv game. How do we end it? I'm just look. We just did a whole section that we were like, we have to lift that out. Yeah. Now we're back. Now we're back. And Andrew Santino has to go to a game and Bobby's pretending that he has to leave despite his producers. I want to end on something. If not funny, I'll settle for heartwarming friendship. Yeah. I'll settle for funny or silly. Yeah. Do you want to play? I mean, some movies end not funny. That's true. What movies? I've seen what a strings list. It was like not funny at all. How about we can play a game? We can play a game that I've played with Colbert. I've played with my wife. It's called Smallest Smile. Do you want to play Smallest Smile? We're out there. Yeah. What is it? How do you play it? Super easy. You look down. And when you come back, you come back with a neutral face. We're going to go one at a time. And then you do the smallest smile. You can do it. Has to be. You're going to be so good at it. It has to be perceivable as a smile. I'm going to go first just to give you a sense. I already know it. Right under the camera. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. To my camera. Ready? To my camera. So we all do it at the same time. No, no, no. One at a time. Okay. So I want to watch it. And I want to enjoy. Okay, go. But I'm just going to do it. So you know, the key is come up with neutral and then do it. Okay. Here we go. All right. Ready? Right. I'm not going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it. I'm going to give you one direction. Yeah. Do less than you think. It's almost nothing because that red, right? Right. Right. Right. It has to read as a smile, but it has to be small. You know, you're going to close us. Yeah. Okay. I'll be ready. It's at the point. The point is it's hard to do without laughing. I love. I want to see another one. All right. Because smiles are in the eyes. Oh, yeah. It's too good. It's too good what you're doing right now. It's hard to not do it. I'll give you one more shot. It was very good. No laughing. No laughing. No laughing. All right. Do I know what say do half as much? I'll do half as well. Yeah. Yeah. Because you got a mustache and I'm not joking. That highlights the smile. All right. So all right. Ready? It's so funny. Ready? Very good. Very dark. Yeah. Yeah. I loved you in perfect days. Go ahead. Just another. So hard. Here it is. Slantino. That's so good. That's how you get booked on the game. That's the game. All right. And we ended on a left. Please watch Silly Silly Fun Boy. It's on youtube.com. Thank you website. Right now Silly Silly Fun Boy. It's on Pete's YouTube. And go to pdomes.com for my tour dates and follow me on social media. Also say thank you for being a bad friend. And thank you for being a bad friend. (upbeat music)