The Ultimate Life Advice: How to Get Motivated, Build Confidence & Create Better Relationships

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. We are going to do something really fun today, because today, for the first time ever, on the Mel Robbins podcast, the entire episode is dedicated to you and your fellow listeners around the world. You have submitted questions. I'm going to answer them. These questions came from social media. A lot of them were submitted to MelRobbins.com. Many of them came from responses to my newsletter, and here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go rapid fire and answer as many of them as I can. And the questions that I'm going to address today, they're personal, they're profound. I guarantee you, there will be at least one topic covered and advice given that is something that you or someone you love is dealing with right now. And here's my intention, super simple. I want to leave you with direct, actionable things that you can do to help you move on, move up, feel better, have more energy, and make the small moves that create big, awesome changes in your life. Before we get started, I just wanted to thank Verizon for sponsoring a bonus segment that you and I are going to do at the end of this episode. You are going to love this. So make sure you stay around all the way until the end, because I'm going to do a special segment on the power of one simple habit that helps you whenever you feel overwhelmed. It's sponsored by Verizon, and you're going to love this advice. We're going to have so much fun today because we're doing some I've never done before. You're and your fellow listeners, questions. We're going to go rapid fire through them, and I just want to say it's an honor to be here with you. If you're new or somebody shared this with you, they probably shared it with you because there's something I'm going to cover that they wanted you to hear, and you clicked, I promise, you clicked on the episode that you need right now. And if you're sitting there saying, wait a minute, Mel, how do I submit a question that you may answer on a podcast? Well, there are three ways that you can do this. Number one, and I think this is the best way. Just sign up for the free newsletter, go to MelRobbins.com/newsletter. I send out a personal letter that I write more than two million of your fellow listeners to the Mel Robbins podcast, open it up and read it every single week. It's full of all kinds of cool stuff. We go deeper into episodes, free resources. I share a lot more about my personal life, and there are lots of opportunities in the newsletter to submit questions, to get access to things. So you can go there. Second, just go to MelRobbins.com. And MelRobbins.com, there is a place under podcast where you can submit a question and finally third, social media. If you follow me or the Mel Robbins podcast and social media, we are constantly scanning the comments. We're looking at the DMs. And when we're running polls, and in the responses to the polls, especially on Instagram, there are often opportunities to submit questions. And I have a stack of them right here. We have combed through questions from listeners all around the world. And now we're just going to jump in rapid fire, so let's just start with the first question. Your fellow listener, Kelsey writes, "I want to move away, Mel. But my close family ties are killing me. How do I deal with the guilt? I love this question. And the first thing I will say is move. At least once in your lifetime, you need to move. And if you are feeling the pull right now, that you want to move. You need a change. You have to listen, particularly if that pull is begging you to move from your hometown. If you're in your 20s, moving during your 20s is a hugely important thing for you to do. And here's what I want you to remember. Your move isn't forever. But when you change the environment you live in, it changes you forever. This is so important. And you mentioned the guilt, the guilt of moving away from your hometown, the guilt because you're so close to your family. Your family may be feeling hesitant because they're used to having you close. But what I need you to understand is that your family's hesitancy is all about them. They love having you close. But when you change how close you are physically, it can actually deepen how close you feel to your family emotionally. It's kind of a weird thing. You know, when people are right next to you, you take them for granted. When you have distance and you move somewhere new, you stop taking your family for granted. You actually feel closer. And if you're feeling guilty about it, that's because you have close family ties. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It means your relationship with your family matters. Isn't that a beautiful way to think about it? So don't focus on the guilt, focus on the gift that you love your family and your family matters so much to you that one of the hardest things about moving is that you're moving away from them, but you're also moving toward a new version of yourself. Moving is one of the greatest ways that you can grow and remember. You can always come back home. And from time to time, you will. And pushing yourself to change and grow and experience new things is how you come home to yourself. In fact, our daughter Kendall went all the way across country from the East Coast to Los Angeles. She was out there for seven years. And I was starting to think, okay, she's going to be out there forever. And just recently, she made the decision that I'm telling you that you need to make. She started feeling this itch, this itch that, huh, you know, I came out here to Los Angeles, it was a huge move for me. It was an amazing chapter. I grew. I learned so much. I became a new version of myself in ways that I never could have done anywhere else. But after seven years, hmm, it's not as sparkly anymore. Something's missing. I think I may have outgrown the place that I'm in right now. I'm itching for a change. I need a change. And if that's how you're feeling right now, you need to move. Because staying where you are, that is going to keep you where you are. And you know, I love this saying, if you change nothing, nothing changes. But if you change where you live, everything changes. And a new part of you emerges in this new place. So move. All right. Let's go to the second question. I love this second question. Now what are the top five books that you recommend? All right. So here are my top five favorite books right now in this moment. The first recommendation, it is going to surprise you. It is the red rising series by Pierce Brown. Let me show you this. In fact, I've got three of them right here. Honestly, this is not a book that I would normally pick up, but I ended up love being it. But in a minute, now, why did I pick up this series? The huge reason why I picked this book up in the first place, because this is like what I would call dude fantasy fiction. It's kind of like divergent meets the hunger games, but only in space. And it's like crazy violent. There's a bazillion characters in it. There's nothing but wars and battles and twists and turns. There's no sex to speak of, which is typically the fantasy books that I'm reading. But our son Oakley, it's his favorite book, the red rising series. He recommended it to me because he was constantly seeing me cracking open and devouring like the fourth wing series or dire bound or of course, Akatar. And so I decided, you know what? I'm going to read this book because it's my son's favorite book. And I figured it would be something that we could connect over. It would help me understand a little bit more about, you know, my son. And I loved this book, not only because it was amazing, it was a little bit different than what I normally read, but it gave me something that I could share and talk to my son about. So this series definitely on the top of my list right now. I'm not quite done with Morningstar, but I'm about to finish it. Okay. Book recommendation number two is Firefly Lane by Kristen Hannah. Oh my gosh, this book, this book right here, this book was given to me by my mother-in-law. See what she wrote in here. Okay. Mel, this is one you will never forget loving you as a friend, JJ. This book is so beautiful. It is about female friendship and it's a friendship between this woman, Kate and another woman, Tully. And it goes all the way from childhood, all the way to the end. It's fast, it's beautiful. It will make you think of all the women in your life, the ones that you're currently friends with, the ones that you were friends with when you were little. You are going to be sobbing by the end of this thing, oh my God, was I crying, crying, crying. I have now passed the gift of this book on to three other girlfriends, my two daughters, my mom. It is just a beautiful, easy, deep, wonderful read. And what I love about a book like this is it makes you really think more deeply about your life and the people in it. And you know, isn't that what a great book does? The next book, number three, is The Correspondent by Virginia Evans. I love this book, and the reason why I'm not holding it right now is because I sent it to my mom. As soon as I was done reading this book, I thought, oh my god, my mother is going to love this book. And she did love this book. And then she passed The Correspondent on to my sister-in-law. It is such a beautiful book. And it's written from the point of view of this really grouchy older woman who is reflecting on her life and largely her relationship with her daughter and, you know, kind of neighbors and other people. And here's what's so amazing about this book. Every chapter is written as a letter. And you start to learn more and more about what happened in this woman's life. And you start to learn about the distance between her and her daughter. And it opened up my eyes to so many things. It gave me so much compassion. You know, we judge people based on where we are, but we have absolutely no context for where they've been and what they've experienced. And it also is a book that opens you up to the fact that there are unexpected relationships all around you. And that the key to finding those unexpected relationships is showing up with more understanding and kindness. You know, I often remind you and I remind myself that some of your most favorite people that you've ever met in your lifetime. You have an even met. Yeah. And what this book will teach you is that they may be living across the street. They may be a person who is working down at the town clerk's office. They may be somebody that you've grown apart from. And it'll make you feel more compassionate, way more compassionate for people in your life that are older. I just loved this book. Okay. The fourth book that I am recommending right now is by my buddy, John Grisham. Now, I love John Grisham. Okay. I got an advance copy of his new book because he was a guest on this podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast. And I literally could not put this book down. Now, if you don't know who John Grisham is, John Grisham is one of the most successful writers of our time. He has sold 500 million books. Yes, 500 million. His books have been adapted into movies. And John Grisham is known for legal thrillers. In fact, his book The Firm is a book that changed my life because I was miserable in law school. And when I read that book, it made me realize, wait, a lawyer wrote this. Maybe I don't have to practice law. Maybe I can use this degree and do something else. But here's what's interesting about the French illusion. The French illusion is not a legal thriller. So John Grisham, after 500 million books sold, is now writing a new chapter of his own. This is about espionage. And it is crazy. He told me it's like, Mel, this book right here, the French illusion is the most page turning, page turning book I have ever written in my entire life. The man is not wrong. I am mad at him because I stayed up almost all night reading this thing. The book centers around the kidnapping of a newlywed couple who's in Paris for their honeymoon. And so you kind of start reading the book and you're like, oh, you know, are these two influencers in Paris and they're taking photos and they're going through this thing. And then all of a sudden, oh my god, they get kidnapped. By page 15, I was like, what are these idiot parents doing? Why are they not calling the FBI? Why are they listening to these ransom note people? You always call the FBI you dummies. And so the entire time you're going to be flipping through this because you see yourself in this and you start thinking, what if this happened in my honeymoon? What if this happened in my brother on his? What if this happened to one of my kids on their honeymoon? Your heart will be pounding. The pages will be turning the French illusion. John Grisham, you have done it again. Number five, number five, I've already confessed to you that I love fantasy, but adult romantic fantasy, fantasy, the gateway drug for me, court of thrown roses, Sarah J Moss right here. I'm just going to go on the record and say, I've read all five books in Akatar. Sarah J Moss has caused a firestorm online because she is announced that she is dropping not just the sixth book in the series, but the seventh one as well within three months of each other. I am ready to drop in and what I love so much about fantasy, what I love so much about reading is books allow you to step out of your life and step into a different world. They show you completely new possibilities. They introduce you to the truth that everybody has both a deeply personal experience that shapes their life, but we all are truly more alike than we are different. And when you can step into the shoes and the minds of characters that are not like you, it expands your mind, it expands your heart, it expands compassion and understanding, and it expands your imagination. And isn't that the purpose of art to make you feel things that you otherwise wouldn't in your day-to-day life? I absolutely love that. All right, you can tell I can get really passionate about this and that brings me to the next question. Mel, how can I have more passion about life? I need a change and I don't want to jump over a very important thing in this question that a lot of you miss. And I've missed this for decades before I really understood that change is a choice. You have to decide that you want to do and feel and be someone different. It's very easy to go through your day-to-day life and just lull yourself into kind of autopilot. And when you're in that mode where you're just waking up and you're trying to get through the day and it's the same old, same old, same old, same old, you haven't woken up yet. You haven't made a decision that I don't really like how life feels. I need a change. And it's very important to say this. It seems like a nuanced point, but maybe the issue for you is you're listening is that you're so in the routine, you're so used to the suffering and the overwhelm and the stress and just having a life that's kind of blah that you haven't even done the first step yet, which is I don't like this anymore. I need a change. And so if you don't like where you're at, step one of making your life better is making a decision that you want to make your life better. That even though you're doing the best that you can, even though you have a job that you don't like, even though you've really let your health go, that you know that you don't have to stay here. At any moment, you can make a decision to change. You can change your relationship. You can change your habits. You can change your job. You can change where you live. You can change your mindset. In fact, the fact that you hit play on this episode and that you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast means you're the kind of person who wants a better life. And so don't just put up with where you are if you don't like it. If you don't like how your life feels, make a decision that you're going to do whatever you need to do to make your life feel better. Now, let's talk about passion because passion is not something you find. Passion is something you feel. And this is a huge mistake that I made for a very long time about passion. I thought passion was like a job or it was a calling or it was a person. Passion is not some hidden object that you're supposed to hunt down and find. No, not at all. Passion is a feeling inside you. So if you're struggling to feel more passion in life, this is actually a very straightforward problem that you can solve starting right now where you are. And there's three things you need to do to feel more passion starting now. Number one, start using the word energy instead of the word passion. Because passion is just another word for energy, that's it. Like stop and think about people that you know that are passionate, right? All that the word passion it means is the person who's passionate is just energized by what they're doing. I'll give you a couple examples. If a chef is passionate about cooking, it means that when they're in the kitchen, chef, and it up, it energizes them. When a barrel rider, somebody that rides the barrels at a rodeo, gets all passionate about running the next race that they're going to run with their horse, It just means they get energized when they think about doing it, a DJ that is passionate about playing a concert and spinning songs together. They're just energized, but what they're doing, that's what passion means and that's really good news because anything in life that makes you personally feel just a little bit more energized automatically makes you feel more passion in your day. Once you stop saying the word passion and you start using the word energy, what brings me energy, what energizes me. Now what I want you to do is make a list of all the things that you love to do and anything that naturally just puts you in a good mood or gives you a little bit of energy, get it on the list. Everything, my husband and I used to take dance lessons. Whenever we go to a wedding, I love being on the dance floor with the man. You know what would bring more passion and energy into my life, signing up for dance lessons with Chris Robbins. Being outside might be something that naturally gives you energy, drawing, painting, going to museums, having friends over and creating a great meal, gardening, reading, anything. I mean, just throw me a bone here. What do you like to do? It could be anything and don't judge it because this is not for other people. It could be singing in a choir. What are the things that if you look at your life when you were doing those things, were you playing on a team sport, were you going to religious services more often? Were you painting a back bedroom? What were you doing when you felt more energized about your life? There's some really interesting research that backs me up on this. Dr. Katie Milpin is an award-winning behavioral scientist and endowed professor at the Wharton School of Business. Now she was on this podcast, Mel Robbins podcast, and she talked about this concept that when you first hear it, it's going to feel like that can't be true. And here's the concept. If you're overwhelmed in your life and you're feeling very blah, one of the fastest ways to feel more in control of your time and to feel more energized in your life is to add something in that you like doing. Now this doesn't make sense if you're feeling overwhelmed in blah. Well, if I'm already overwhelmed, Mel and I'm already blah and already have so much going on, I have no passion and energy in my life, how do I possibly have the energy to add something in? I'm going to go play Pick Up Soccer. How am I going to go volunteer at that women's shelter? How am I going to find time to go to the movies because I haven't been to the movies in five years and I love going to the movies by myself? Well, the research shows that when you intentionally insert something into your schedule that you enjoy doing that's for you, it's not a should, it's something that you just like to do. Two things happen. Number one, the fact that you're intentionally putting this in tells your subconscious and tells you that you matter and that you're the kind of person that makes time for things that bring energy and joy to your life. The research is very clear that one of the results from this is that it gives you this sense that you're in control of your time because you've inserted something that matters to you instead of feeling like a human to do list on legs new and everything for everybody else. That's number one. But more importantly, number two, you get this double energy passion bonus because you now have something that you're looking forward to in an otherwise boring, overwhelming list of obligations that is this week. And as you're looking forward to it, knowing that it's coming, it gives you a little energy. And then you get a second boost of energy when you actually show up on Thursday night to the pickup game or you show up Thursday night and you're going to the movies alone or you show up Thursday night and you're meeting your favorite friend out for dinner. And so you get two boosts of energy. And then there's a final thing that she advises and it's this. You're asking yourself, what am I looking forward to today or this week? Because when you ask yourself this question, what am I looking forward to today or this week? It trains your brain to focus on positive anticipation rather than what your brain is currently doing, which is just trying to survive and keep your head above water. Okay. So two, you're going to make a list of all these exciting things. And then three, I basically already said this, do it, do it. Because if you insert even just one thing, just one thing this Thursday, go take an improv class, go learn to tap dance, go walk up the west side highway in New York City if that's where you live and you haven't done it in a month, that right there energizes you. And you will start feeling more passionate about your life right now because looking forward to it brings you energy right now. And then when you go to that gospel choir or you stop at that improv class or you go and teaking this weekend, or you run to thrift stores in the town next door, or you make a, you buy tickets to go to the museum exhibit that's about to leave your town and you've been meaning to going all of these things make you feel naturally more energized. And that is how you start to feel more passion in your day to day life. All right. Now, let's move on to the next question, this one is Mel, will you share your diet and fitness tips? I want you to take us through your workout. Now I love this question because my answer is not going to be what you expect. And I am going to dig into this question when we return from a very short break, I want to give our sponsors a chance to share a few words with you. They're extraordinary, they allow us to bring you this show for free in 194 countries. So give them a listen and don't you dare go anywhere. Because I'm going to tell you the three things that fundamentally changed. My body, my body composition, my strength, my energy, it has to do with food, fitness and health. Right through these three simple things when we return. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel and today it's just you and me. And I'm answering you and your fellow listeners questions. I love that we're doing this. I hope you love this because if you love this format, we're going to do this a whole lot more. Now before the break, I had a question from one of your fellow listeners. They were asking me to share my diet and fitness tips and to take you through my workout. And there are three foundational realizations that changed my approach to health and to strength and to the way that I think about taking care of my body. And so let me share them with you. Number one, you cannot out exercise a crappy diet. And for me, it was a huge wake up call. And look, I realize that this is kind of common sense and all the experts say this, but I don't know what it is. For years, I just thought, okay, I can destroy myself when it comes to all the food I'm eating and the calories and the alcohol I'm drinking and the way I'm just not taking care of the fuel that I put in my body and then somehow like run it off on a treadmill. That's not how it works. And I don't know why it took me 55 years to have this wake up call. Maybe it was because my hormones changed and menopause hit and my body started to feel like it was moving in directions that I didn't like. And I started to get serious about truly listening to the experts in this space. And it became very clear. The problem wasn't the fitness, it was the fuel. You want to be healthy and energized. You better be thinking seriously about the fuel that you are eating. And the place where I was really failing every day is I was not eating enough protein and I was not eating enough fiber. Period. That was my problem. And so I changed. I started figuring out how do you eat more protein and how do you get more fiber in your diet. Now, the protein piece was really difficult. I don't know if you've been trying to get more protein or not. You asked me to walk you through my daily routine and I'm going to tell you how I get protein in because the experts that have been on the Mel Robbins podcast and the doctors that I personally go to were telling me that I needed like 120 grams of protein every day. That's a lot of fricking protein. And so, you know, there's only so much chicken and beef and fish and tuna and eggs and shakes and smoothies and crap that you can eat and drink and my God, I don't have time to prep that much stuff. But here is my promise to myself. I try to get 100 grams of protein. I don't think there's ever been a day in my life I've gotten 120. So I'm shooting for 100, 100 grams of protein. And I'm also shooting for 30 grams of fiber because that's what Dr. Amy Shaw, who's been on the Mel Robbins podcast three times, says we need to do 95% of Americans are not getting enough fiber, 95% of us and that's, that was me. The fiber is critical for your gut health. Fiber is critical for your gut health. for you to feel full, fiber is critical for so many aspects of your metabolic health. It's important, just like protein. So here's what I typically do. So typically every single morning I wake up, the first thing that I do, I've got a big mason jar. I drink two of these a day, can hear it, and see how the dust cloud is stirring up in that? That sucker right there, the dust cloud is creatine. So I start with a mug of water and I put in 10 grams of creatine. The experts told me you got to start with five grams of creatine and then tie trade up after four or five weeks. I did that. So I put creatine in my water and I nursed this sucker for the first half of the day. Then what I drink is I always drink one of my pure genius protein shots. Yes, I am a co-founder. No, this is not an infomercial. You ask for what I do. I do this every single day. It has changed my life. It's why I got involved with this company. I reach for one of these three-ounce shots. This sucker right here, it's like the size of a five-hour energy bottle for those of you who can't see it. You can fit it in your pocket. It's only 100 calories. It's 23 grams of complete protein. 23 grams. I would have to eat five and a half eggs to get 23 grams of protein. I would have to eat two cups of Greek yogurt to get this much protein. I can slam this sucker in about 10 seconds. I can't do that with the creatine. And then I've gotten 23 grams of protein. It's delicious. It tastes like juice. There's no sugar. There's no fat. There's no gluten. There's no artificial flavors. Then I exercise. And my exercise routine, I have to move my body every day. Otherwise, I'm a giant bitch to my family. And I can't focus. And so I move my body every day. And at least five days a week, I am walking the dogs or I'm hiking or I'm taking a big loop in whatever city I'm in. But three days a week, I now lift heavy weights. And I blame Dr. Stacey Sims. I blame Dr. Gabrielle Lyons. I blame Dr. Vonda Wright. I blame Dr. Amy Shaw. I blame Dr. Eric Topel. Are you sensing a theme here who have all come on the Mel Robbins podcast and told you and me that if we want to live a long and healthy life, we better be picking up the heavy ass weights. And I will say the combination of protein first thing in the morning and the combination of resistance training three days a week. And I'm not in there for an hour and a half. I get this sucker done in 30 minutes. That's all you need. That's it. So whether it's a walk with a dog, it's the resistance training. It's going to an exercise class because that's how I get the best workout in. And what I think is very important to say is figure out what works for you. If it's fun, you'll do it. If it's better for you to go to a class because you then make the instructor motivate you, go to a class. If you do it better with a streamed exercise online by yourself, then do that. The most important thing is that you're doing something. When I'm done with my exercise or walking the dog and then I get ready for work, what I do next is I have a second breakfast. I'll either have Greek yogurt with berries, typically blueberries, because Dr. Amy Shaw says that that's got a great source of fiber in it. Or I'll have eggs and a salad, which is what I have this morning after I had the pure genius. I have a cup of coffee then. I do not drink coffee until after I've been up for 90 minutes. And all of these choices, the protein and fiber first thing in the morning, moving my body, delaying coffee, drinking, creatine and water, I am a different person. I have more energy. I can focus. I feel good. I feel like I'm in my body. It's incredible for lunch. It's kind of boring. I typically have a salad with some kind of protein on it. And I don't discriminate against protein. Sometimes it's tuna straight out of a can. Sometimes I'm standing in front of the fridge eating chicken from last night straight out of the Tupperware. Sometimes it's leftover hamburger that we've grilled that I toss on top of a salad. And honestly, dinner all on all the time. It's the same thing. And then I go to bed pretty early. That's my routine. That's it. That's it. Oh, and I always take a bath every night. Those are my non-negotiables. So that's the routine. And you cannot out-exercise a crappy diet. And if you flip your perspective from, I'm just gonna eat whatever food I want. To what is the best fuel I can put in my body? To fuel me, to have a good day? That was a huge takeaway for me. Okay, here's the second thing that really changed everything. What is the source of your motivation? Are you trying to be stronger and more energized and healthier? Or are you trying to be skinny? For real. Because for 50 years, I tried to be skinny. I was being driven by the pressure that a lot of women feel to be thin. Because I thought thin was beautiful. Thin means you're healthy. Thin is what makes you attractive. And when you are trying to lose weight because you think you should, you're trying to be skinny because you think you should, the source of your motivation is proving something to other people. The source of your motivation is about how you look to others versus how you want to feel in your body. And so changing and having a wake-up call and really recognizing that the goal here is for you to feel stronger, Mel. It's for you to have more energy. It's for you to be healthier so that you live longer. And it's so that you can have vitality as you age. Like you don't want to be thin and frail and like some rickety old skeleton with skin hanging off you. Like you want to be in your 80s and 90s and be able to dance and hike and have energy and vitality. And so when you shift, why exactly do you want to work out? For me, it was foundational to shift from trying to look a certain way, to trying to feel a certain way. And now here's the third and this is huge. I want you to get really clear, what's your intention? Why do you want to change your diet and fitness? Why? Is it because you think you should? Or is it because you want to feel differently? Because we all know cause and effect. But before the cause and the effect comes the intention behind the action you're taking. If your intention is that, well, I should do it. I should, that's not really an intention. That's pressure. When I shifted my intention from, well, I should exercise and I need to do this and kind of this make wrong too. No, my intention is that number one, I'm the kind of person who takes care of herself. My intention is in living a long and healthy life. My intention and the reason why I moved my body and got serious about the fuel and the fitness is because I want to be dancing at my grandkids weddings. I want to be able to travel late in life and pick up my suitcase and put it above the overhead. I want to be able to be mobile. And so when you think about the intention behind why you want to do something, that taps into your intrinsic motivation. And I want to share with you a little piece of research that I think is really powerful. When you think you should exercise, it's not that motivating because you're kind of making yourself wrong for not doing it. Ah, I should do it, okay, ah, I don't really want to. If you can switch the reason why you're doing this and this is true for women in particular in this particular study, if you can tell yourself, the reason why I exercise is it's the only time all day long, that's for me. The only time. Every other second of the day is about my family. It's about work. It's about taking care of my pets. It's about answering texts. When else do I have time alone? That's just for me to be with me. Taking care of me. When you realize that when you exercise, when you go for a walk, when you go to a yoga class, when you go to the gym, that's your time. You don't have to do anything for anyone. You get to just be there for you. Do you see how the intention and the source of motivation changes? And now kind of makes you want to do it. It makes you want to protect the time in elbow everybody out because you deserve that time. When you look at it that way, pretty cool, huh? I think so too. All right, let's move on to the next question. How do you think logically when your emotions always feel stronger? You cannot think logically when your emotions are taking over. Period. That's just not how your brain works. So don't even try to think logically when you're emotional because your emotions override your ability to leverage certain parts of your brain's capacity to problem solve. I think we kind of all know this, like when you're freaking out and overwhelmed. and hangry and upset and mad about something. You can't think clearly. You often send the text that you regret. You say something that you can't take back. And so instead of trying to push through the emotion, the better strategy is to work with the wiring that you have instead of against it. And this particular recommendation I love comes from Dr. Mark Brackett. Dr. Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He's a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. He's also the author of a number of New York Times bestselling books and he was on the Mel Robbins podcast and he uses this framework and you can use it to manage your emotions. So the first step and this sounds really dumb, but the first step is to recognize that you're getting emotional. That's it. Oh wow. I'm having an emotional reaction. The second step is to label what you're feeling. Are you scared or are you lonely? Are you angry or are you overwhelmed? Are you feeling hurt or do you feel incompetent? Do you notice how those are very, very, very different feelings? I'll give you an example. Just yesterday there was so much going on and so much that was coming at me. I know you've had days like that. It just felt like life had taken an ice bucket and dumped it over my head. I mean, there were travel logistics and my daughter was having a breakdown and there was a deadline at work that I missed and then there was something that I needed to do and plus I'm sick. And it was all happening at once and I started to get this like overwhelmed feeling, but when I get overwhelmed, I feel the emotions rise up through my body like a volcano. It does. And for everyone around me, that feels like a human hurricane. And I know when I get in that emotional state, for other people, it feels like I'm hostile or it feels like I'm mad or it feels like I'm really frustrated. But what's actually happening is I'm completely overwhelmed and I'm starting to shut down. And just yesterday was happening to me and so I just started saying I'm really overwhelmed right now. I'm really overwhelmed right now and it works. What does naming the emotion do? Naming the emotion according to Dr. Brackett's research slows the emotion. And then when you've named the emotion, you can actually pick a technique that will work to help you diffuse it. Maybe you need a hug. Maybe you need to take a walk outside. Maybe you need to take a breath. Maybe you need to ask for help. Maybe you need to just write down how you're feeling. And once you've named it the third step, oh, and this one's a hard one. Practice not responding. That's a hard one. Just be in the pause. Because that's actually the skill. The skill is to allow your emotions to rise, to notice and to pass. That's it. That's the skill. Because when you practice this pause, in fact, I write about this a ton and let them theory book. You need to let them emotions just rise up. You do. And there's some interesting research they call it the 90-second rule that almost all emotions, if you don't react to them, you just pause, dissipate within 90 seconds. And what's really cool is that when you start to master the pause and you let them emotions rise up and you let me just not do anything right now. Don't send the text. Don't snap. Don't do anything. What that pause allows to happen is it gives your brain space to come back online. It allows your thinking and your critical decision-making skills and your executive functioning to come back so you can decide how to respond. Victor Frankl, who famously wrote the book Man's Search for Meaning, talks about this truth that between the stimulus that caused that emotional response and how you react to it, there's a gap. And Dr. Bracket is saying we want you to learn how to notice what's happening and then pause so the emotions can rise and fall. You got the stimulus, the emotions happen, now let's create the gap. And they've studied the impact that your emotions have on your brain at UCLA and they've also studied the labeling of emotions for two decades at UCLA. It's called affect labeling. And when you start to label what you're feeling and notice it and pause, it reduces the activity in the emotional center of your brain. Isn't that cool? And I've absolutely noticed that this technique works. It's not easy to do, but you can get better and better at the skill. You just recognize when you get emotionally flooded, you name it, you pause, that emotion dissipates quickly. And it is so effective. All right, the next question that we have is about a breakup. One of your fellow listeners is going through a very tough breakup and they want some advice. And when we return from this short break, I'm going to give them incredible advice. And if you are going through a breakup, if somebody in your life is going through a breakup, you do not want to miss this. Because believe it or not, when you're going through a breakup, it's actually not a breakup. It's something else. And knowing what that something else is changes everything and your ability to deal with it. All right, I'll be right back. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. Today you and I are going through you and your fellow listeners questions. I love this. I hope you love it too. If you're wondering, how do I submit questions again? Go to MelRobins.com/newsletter. There are more than two million of your fellow listeners that read the personal letter that I send out every week for free. You're going to love the letter. And it's also the first place that we open up opportunities to submit questions, to do all kinds of cool stuff. You can also go to MelRobins.com where there is a form to submit a question. And we're also constantly looking on social media. So that's where these questions are coming from. And this next one is from a listener who's going through a really tough breakup. She's even used the broken heart emoji in the question. Let's talk about breakups. Breakups are painful because the future that you thought you'd be living just died. Breakups are grief. And when you are completely rocked by a breakup, it's not a sign that the right person got away. It's just a sign that the time that you spent with that person mattered. The relationship mattered. That's it. And I want you to really think about breakups differently. Breakups are grief because you had this whole vision and this whole life where you learned how to do life with this person. And when the relationship ends, it forces you to unlearn doing life with someone. That's one of the reasons why they're so painful. You're going through a withdrawal in every single part of your body. That's why you can be driving down the road and you're thinking about something. And you can hear the person answering. It's like they're sitting right there. Only you're broken up and you don't want to be thinking about the person. Well, the reason why that happens is not because a person's thinking about you. And it's not because that X of yours should be in the car with you. It's because your brain has been wired to hear that person's voice. Your brain is used to hearing their response and your brain is in the middle of unlearning what that's like. You're breaking patterns, which is why you feel in your body like everything is breaking apart because it is breaking apart. It's a withdrawal. And that's why in the Let them theory, we wrote extensively about exactly what you need to do in order to get through a breakup. Number one, you have to go 30 days with no contact. Period. 30 days. And the reason why you have to go 30 days is I want you to think about it like trying to get over anything, smoking, drinking, vaping, the zin packs, gambling. If you're going to go and quit something, you can't just go 15 days and then have some bourbon on the rocks and expect for it not to impact you. Because the second 15 days in, you have more bourbon. Everything in your body that knows what alcohol is like gets reactivated. The same thing is true when you go through a breakup. If you're constantly listening to voice memos following them on social media, looking at old photos, you are giving your body input that that person is still in your life and it keeps all the wiring in your body and all those patterns alive. And so you have to go 30 days, no contact. And it's important to know that there's really good research that most people start feeling better about 11 and a half weeks after a breakup. and a half weeks because it takes time. And you have to give yourself the space and the time to unlearn life with this other person. That's the single most important step to moving on. And in the Let them Theory, we wrote about some recommendations that really help, particularly in those first three months. Let me read to you. This is on page 286. How every ending is a beautiful beginning. All this sadness that you're feeling is a mentally healthy response to heartbreak. And when you're ready, there are a couple things based on the research that will help you accept that the relationship is over and that it's time for you to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Now, these recommendations are how you can get started on settling your nervous system and moving through this breakup in a healthier way because it's not time that heals. It's what you do with that time that matters. Number one, you want to make sure that you remove all environmental triggers in your apartment, your room, your house. I want you to take every visible reminder, trinket, shirt, pitcher, get them out of your site. Now, you don't need to burn anything or do something psycho. That's not what we're doing here because you are a mature person that's moving forward. The issue here is we want to get them out of your site. Just put them in a box and stick them out of site. The patterns of this person are so hardwired in your body and mind that simply seeing things that remind you of them will stop you from moving forward. Two, give your bedroom a small makeover. Chances are you spend a lot of time together in your bedroom. Giving your bedroom a refresh really helps signal to you that a new chapter is beginning. You could paint a wall, you could get cool removable wallpaper, get new sheets or a new computer, move your furniture around. It really helps. Three, reach out to friends, siblings, cousins, co-workers because there's an empty space at this person left that needs to be filled. You need support so ask for it. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Every one of us have gone through a breakup and we understand how horrible it can be. And you can also ask people to check in on you and to invite you to get out of your apartments. You're not sitting there sulking like a loser because you're not a loser. You just lost something you thought that you were going to have forever. Four, the super important fill up your calendar. Now is the time to reach out to friends, make plans because you do not want to see an empty calendar with a broken heart. Distraction helps. Nothing is worth for a breakup than an idle mind. And if you don't have things to keep you busy, you will busy yourself by thinking about them and looking up photos of them. You cannot trust yourself right now. And five, pick a challenge you've always wanted to do. Because when you go through a breakup, it's easy to feel like you are defined by the ending of this relationship. And that does not define you. That's just an experience and a chapter in your life that's ended. You can proactively pick a challenge, whether it's climbing a certain mountain or running a marathon or completing your first five K, whatever it may be. And that challenge that you're working on that makes you proud of yourself gives you another way to define that you have value that you're moving forward. It's super important, super important that you choose something for you that you're doing for yourself that you're proud of because there's just no better feeling. And finally, I love this one. Keep asking yourself this question. If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you're still single? See, I think one of the biggest fears that we have when you go through a breakup is you think you're going to be alone forever. You think you're never going to find anyone as good as the person who just walked out the door. That's actually not true, not true at all. And how you spend your time as your single sends a really important signal to your brain about what's coming and the kind of person that you are now. You're going to be just fine. I know it sucks, but you got to go 30 days and you're going to feel a whole lot better. All right, let's take this next question. Should I start a meaningful career change? Heart says yes. Head is not sure. All right, when you're making a decision and your heart says yes and your head says no, always follow your heart because your heart and your head have very different roles in decision making. Let me explain. Your heart gives you the what? It gives you the sense of direction. It gives you the yes or the no. Your head gives you the when and the how. And this is how you're going to leverage your heart and your head in order to make better decisions. So if you're struggling to make a decision, I want you to get very, very, very quiet. Okay, because the answers are not out there. The answers are in here. And I want you to sit with the decision that you need to make. Whether it's changing your career, changing where you live, changing your relationship, sit very quiet. And here's what I want you to think about. If you roll the clock forward a year and you've changed nothing, what does your life look like? What does it feel like? And you're going to immediately have a reaction. Because if you change nothing, nothing changes. And the way you're currently doing your life does have a destination. We don't really think about it. It is leading you somewhere. And if you don't do anything now, a year from now, you're going to look up and your life is going to feel exactly how it feels right now. Now I want you to consider the alternative in your heart. Let's say you make the change. You change your relationship. You change the job. You change where you live. You do the thing that you've been nervous about doing. What does your life feel like? A year from now. There you are in a new job. There you are living in a new place. There you are, either so happy and you're single or you're in a different relationship. And I want you to notice, what does it feel like in your heart? Because there's two very distinct feelings that you're going to have. You're either going to feel your heart expand a little bit. You're going to feel your heart pulling you toward something. Or you're going to feel your heart start to shrink. You're going to feel energy that sort of contracts. That's how your heart gives you a yes or a no. If in thinking about the change and imagining what life could look like a year from now, your heart starts to expand. That's a yes. Your heart just gave you direction. It's telling you that's meant for you even if you're nervous about it, even if you're unsure, you just got the answer. If your heart starts to oh god no, I can't imagine living somewhere else. Oh, I can't imagine being with somebody else. It just like contracts. That's a no. So you're going to drop in, close your eyes, roll the clock forward and imagine if I do nothing and nothing changes. How do I feel about my life? And then you're going to think about if I change new job, new place. How do I feel? And if your heart expands, the answer is yes. Now that takes us up to your noggin because you're not going to use your head to figure out the right answer. You already did that with your heart. What you're going to use your head for is the when am I making this decision? How am I making this decision? What is the right way to make this decision in terms of, you know, being responsible because you can know today that it's a hell yes that you're changing your career. But it wouldn't be a smart decision for you to quit your job today because you need the money. You also don't know what you want to do yet and you want to build yourself a runway. You use your mind to help create the plan that gets you moving in the direction that your heart unmistakably is telling you to go. That feels like the perfect question to end on today because if there's one thing that I hope you take away from this is that you are allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to change your life. You're allowed to move. You're allowed to want more energy and passion and better health and a different career and stronger friendships. You're allowed to believe that the love of your life is just around the corner and this breakup is taking you one step further and you do not have to have everything figured out in order to start. You just have to pay attention to what your heart is telling you, to what gives you energy. And if you do that, I promise you, you will never, ever forever go wrong. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Alrighty, I will see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play. (upbeat music) Here we go. Oh my God, a kibbley. He called me back. From the middle of a party in college after midnight and we spent a half an hour on the phone, just gushing about the book and dissecting the scene. I feel the emotions rise up through my body like a, I can't say that. I'll create a teen in. They don't like to taste like anything. Great, okay. Okay, I love this one. Let's do this after Eats 'em. (upbeat music) Oh my gosh, thank you for sticking around all the way to the end. I'm so excited for this bonus segment and I wanna thank our sponsor Verizon. This bonus segment is all about how to stay productive whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Now, first let me just say something about Verizon. I love Verizon. My family and I have been Verizon customers for over a decade. And look, there's enough friction and overwhelm in your life. Your phone plan should not add to it. Verizon's new simplicity plan cuts down on the nonsense. Everyone pays just $30 a line per month when they switch, even for a single line. It doesn't matter if you're a family switching five lines or if you're flying solo. That's one plan and one price, $30 a line. Switch today at Verizon.com or your nearest store. Thank you again to Verizon for sponsoring this amazing bonus segment. All right, let's jump into this. I keep getting this question about overwhelm. My life is very overwhelming right now. So how do you stay focused, get more done, be productive when you feel overwhelmed all day? It's such a great question. And so I wanna teach you one habit. It's called goal shielding. And goal shielding is one of the most effective things that you can do whenever you feel overwhelmed. Because as I'm about to teach you, there's a very big difference between being busy versus being truly productive. A lot of times when you're overwhelmed it's because you're busy doing a ton of things for everybody but you can't seem to actually get to the one thing that's important to you. The next time you're feeling overwhelmed, try goal shielding. Here's how you use it. Just ask yourself, okay, what's the one thing that's important to me to make a little bit of progress on today? See, when you stop and you remind yourself of the one thing that matters to you today, that singular goal helps protect your attention from all the other stuff that's coming at you that's just not as important to you. And there's some really good research about goal shielding to back up why this works. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that focusing your attention on one goal protects its shields your attention. And it helps your overall persistence and productivity all day long because let's be honest with each other. When you're busy, that doesn't necessarily mean you're being productive. When everything feels important, nothing's important. When everyone's demanding your attention, you can't focus on anything. And you know, a lot of people think being productive means simply doing more, more chores, more errands, more work, more tasks, more Zoom calls, more routines. More is the trap. More is why you're overwhelmed. You need to do less. Less gives you freedom and power. See, true productivity isn't about getting a million things done in one day. It's about taking care of the things that matter most to you. I mean, think how easy it is to fool yourself into thinking you had a productive day because you answered the emails. You unloaded the dishwasher, you fed the dogs, you returned the package, you attended all those meetings. You commute at home, you picked up the kids suddenly, it's six o'clock. You're exhausted. You're overwhelmed and the one thing that mattered. The thing that would have taken a ton of pressure off you. It's still hanging over your head. Busy just means you did a lot of stuff. Productive means you move something important forward. So let's get honest with yourself and answer this question. I want you to just ask, okay, if I only had time and energy to get one thing done today, or to make progress on one thing, what would it be? Whatever it is, write it down. And then do something most people don't do. Tackle it. Before you get swallowed up by everything and everyone else, it's not as important. Just move it forward. That's what real productivity and power feels like. Not stressed, focused, not busy, intentional. And always move in forward. I want to thank Verizon again for sponsoring this awesome bonus segment. Verizon just introduced their new simplicity plan. It's only $30 a line per month when you switch even for a single line and everyone gets their best 5G network. Simple as the new standard at Verizon. And that starts with a phone plan designed to do exactly what it should do. Switch to Verizon today for new customers. $30 per line includes autopay and switch discount. Additional taxis fees in terms of apply. Unlimited data is restricted to on-device smartphone usage, domestic data roaming at 2G speeds. Oh, and one more thing, I know this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. [MUSIC PLAYING] SiriusXM podcasts.