The Ultimate Guide to Initiating Sex (Without the pressure or Weirdness)

One question I missed all the time is Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created shop sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you with better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. Head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Propel fitness water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. 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There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships, and we become very close by the end of the night. Visit sexwithemily.com/abents for dates and tickets, and thanks for listening, or watching, and for being here, and thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, I want to enjoy this episode. Somewhere along the way, initiating sex and relationship may have stopped feeling like closeness and started feeling like a test. One of you reaches out, and instead of a warm moment, there's this past-fail question hanging in the air. Am I about to get rejected? Am I going to disappoint them? When initiation feels like a test, both of you may begin avoiding it. You may recognize this if you ever thought, "My partner wants me to initiate more, but I just don't feel excited to." Or they reach out for me, I shut down before I've really thought about it, and then I feel guilty for the rest of the night. Or maybe you get so far into your own head that when they're not in the mood, you take it as proof that something is wrong with you. You may think, "They're not attracted to you anymore." Or maybe you've simply been together for years, and you love this person, and you no longer know how to start. Here's what may be possible instead. Initiation can stop feeling like a test, and begin to feel like an invitation. A door you open where, yes, not tonight. Or let's just cuddle can be all honest answers. When pressure decreases, desire may have more room to grow. It may not change overnight, probably won't. Practicing this differently over time can make the whole dynamic feel lot lighter. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctor in human sexuality, and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts in the world for over 20 years. It's called Sex with Emily. Initiation is one of the places I watch many couples get stuck because it is where desire meets vulnerability, and where fear of rejection and guilt and performance anxiety can pile into one small moment. If you want even more tools to help you have your best sex ever had to sex with Emily.com, you can shot my favorite sexual wellness product, set up my free newsletters, explore hundreds of expert articles, download free guides, and find so many more resources to support your journey. You can also follow me everywhere at Sex with Emily. For more tips and conversations and behind the scenes content. Okay, before we get into the five steps, there's one mindset shift I think changes everything. So many couples get stuck because one person is trying to say I miss you, and the other person hears I'm expected to have sex now, say moment, completely different meeting, and that's where things start to unravel. Here's the reframe I want you to take away from this episode. Initiation is an invitation, not a contract. It's opening the door. It's saying, I'd love to connect with you. Are you available? Let's see where this goes. It's never I'm expecting sex because the minute initiation feels like a demand your nervous system starts making decisions before your brain even has a chance to think about it. Now think about this. Your partner comes up behind you while you're making dinner and kisses your neck. If every kiss automatically means okay, here we go. They're expecting sex. Your body is probably going to tense up, not because you don't love your partner, not because you don't find them attractive, but because your body is learned that affection comes with pressure. Now imagine that same kiss. Maybe it could just be a kiss. Maybe it leads to making out. Maybe it leads to sex. Maybe it leads to absolutely nothing except feeling close for 30 seconds. That's a completely different experience for you and your nervous system. This safest initiation is the one where both people know they're free to choose whatever happens next. That's where desire actually has room to grow. So let's talk about how to make that happen. I've broken it down into five simple steps. Timing, the invitation itself, bridging the desire gap, taking the pressure out of yes or no, and finally making it just as safe to say no, as it is to say yes. Step one, time the invitation. Now one of the biggest mistakes I see is assuming a not now means rejection. It often means I'm still answering emails, putting the kids to bed. My brain is still at work completely overwhelmed. That's very different. So before you initiate, ask yourself, is my partner actually available right now, emotionally, mentally, physically? Timing matters so much more than people realize. Sometimes they're not rejecting you. They're rejecting the timing. Think about it. Step two, make it an invitation, not an audition. This one's huge. The words matter. But honestly, your tone matters just as much. An invitation feels curious, playful, open. Pressure sounds like there's only one acceptable answer, instead of do you want to have sex? Try something like I've been thinking about kissing you all day. Or I'd love to steal you away for a little while if you're feeling it. Notice there's room in there. There's room in those limitations. There's room for yes. Room for not right now. Room to stay connected either way. Every couple has their own style and some people love flirting. They love little flirty tax, dirty tax. Some love plant intimacy. I'm a huge fan of scheduling sex. Some love spontaneous affection. Some like want to make out session before anything else. Like not negotiable. We have to make out. And others love a simple like come here. Now there isn't one right way. The real question is what helps your partner feel pursued instead of pressured. And what helps you feel pursued instead of pressured? This is a conversation worth having. If you love this podcast, well, you have to come experience the best sex ever tour. It is sex with Emily completely unfiltered and in the room with you. We're talking sex, dating, relationship, desire, all the things we're thinking about. But don't always say out loud. There's live Q&A, anonymous confessions. There's audience games. There's lots of laughs. And yes, you can finally ask me the questions you've been dying to ask. But there's a bigger reason I'm doing these shows. I think we need to save sex. We're having less of it. We're more disconnected than ever. And so many of us are struggling with desire and intimacy and dating. And how to actually talk to each other. And truly, that's what I love most about these shows. When we're all together in a room, talking and laughing about the things we usually keep private, you realize, oh, everyone has questions. Everyone has stuff. I'm definitely not the only one because great sex isn't just about sex. It's about connection. And we could all use a lot more of it right now. Our next stop is Nashville, September 29th at Xanies with more cities coming. Go to sexwithamily.com/abents to get your tickets and see where we're headed next. Remember, you can also check out our merch at shopsexwithamily.com. We've got some really cute, safe sex merch and more is coming soon. So come hang out with me. Let's save sex one city at a time. That's sexwithamily.com/abents. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar and vitamins. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites. Step three, close the gap. Now, this is where the understanding of responsive desire changes everything. Now, some people experience spontaneous desire. They think about sex, they see their partner and they feel turned on. They're ready. Other people don't feel desire until after connection has already started. Now, that's responsive desire and it's incredibly common, especially in long-term relationships. So imagine one partner has been thinking about sex all afternoon, right? They're like, "I can't wait to get home and see my partner and it's we're going to have such a fun night." But the other has been answering emails making dinner, folding laundry, taking care of the kids, mentally keeping track of everyone's schedule, working at the office. They're not starting in the same place. One person saying, "I've missed you," and the other person saying, "I've been at five minutes to myself all day." Neither person is wrong. They're just arriving from different places. And remember, stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive ever. So, when you feel overwhelmed, desire often gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list. In fact, when you're stressed and you're feeling anxious, you can't feel desire at the same time. So, instead of jumping straight into sex, try what I call the 15-minute rule. Spend 15 minutes kissing, huddling, giving each other massages, talking, or touching. Pick some of those. Do all of those. For 15 minutes, with zero expectation, it has to go anywhere. And here's the important part. If you have sex, amazing, you know? Love it. And if you don't, you still spent 15 minutes connecting. That is still a win. Because connection was the goal all along. Step four, get rid of the yes or no trap. I love this step because it immediately lowers the pressure. We tend to think we're either having sex or not having sex. But there are so many possibilities in between, magic in between. So, maybe today, you're closed. Maybe you're curious. Maybe you're open. Maybe you're super enthusiastic into it. Now, what I recommend is using a one to 10 scale, right? 10, you can't wait to sex and want your like babe on basically a sleep. So, what have you said? You know, I'm about a four. I'm about a four. You know, I haven't eaten yet. I'm really tired. I don't think it's a night thing. Or maybe you say, "I'm an eight." And then you could say, "What would help you move up a point?" And then you could say, "Well, maybe we could shower together." Or maybe you could say, "If we cuddle first, maybe I'll move up. No guarantees." You know? Or maybe you say, "I think if we didn't talk about work for the next half hour, I might feel a little bit more turned on." The point isn't convincing someone to say, "Yes, it's understanding what their body actually needs and us understanding what our body needs." And one really important reminder, willingness isn't consent. And maybe isn't a yes and a yes can become a no. Anyone could need your mind at any point. That's what makes intimacy safe, right? You willingness is such a great option rather than just a yes or no. Are you willing to explore? But there's no pressure to actually escalate. Step five, protect the no. Now, this may actually be the most important step because how you respond to no teaches your partner whether it's emotionally safe to be honest with you next time. I work with couples where one partner didn't yell. They didn't argue. They just sighed every time they heard not tonight. And eventually their partner stopped initiating anything. Not just sex. They just stopped with affection. They didn't kiss anymore. They didn't flirt anymore. They didn't even touch anymore. Because every interaction started to feel like it came with disappointment attached. So if your partner says no, try saying thanks for telling me. Want to cuddle instead? Want to watch a show? Should we just hang out? That tells your partner our connection isn't dependent on just one answer. And that's incredibly reassuring. Remember, no doesn't automatically mean I don't want you or I'm rejecting you, which is what we usually think. It may mean I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. My body's not there yet. I need connection before I need sex. Yes, you can absolutely feel disappointed, but your partner isn't responsible for fixing that disappointment. Then outside the bedroom, when nobody's trying to have sex, have the bigger conversation. Ask each other some of these questions. When do you feel the most open? When do you shut down? What kind of initiation makes you feel desired? Which ones make you feel pressured? What makes it easier for you to hear not tonight? And what makes it safer to say it? Those answers are gold. Can you imagine how much it could change your relationship? Because they give you a roadmap you could never get by guessing. So if you take one thing away from today's episode, let it be this. Great initiation isn't about getting more yasses. It's about creating an environment where both people feel safe enough to tell the truth. Because when honesty feels safer than performance, connection gets deeper, pressure gets smaller, and ironically, that's often when desire has the best chance to show up. The best lovers don't pressure each other into sex. They create the conditions where both people can honestly say yes. And if the answer is not tonight, they know the relationship is strong enough to hold that too. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. It was a good for you. Follow me on social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, SexWithTheEmily.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms as I head into my 21st year. You can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour if you want to check it out. Go to SexWithEmily.com/events. Don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening. 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