The Twelfth Day After Christmas with Trixie and Katya

oh my god you had a great episode with daphne i got to listen to it oh i haven't it's great next spine yeah maybe i grew up to that in nashville and um louisville the kids did not care but they i cared you know what the episode made me realize we should when we have guests tell people who they are i didn't say her name no no no normal pods it's like our next guest is a woman a blood ever and she's a 10 time whatever mary i had this whole thing i got so nervous it starts and we're just like girl you're fierce you're everything i know i don't even say who it is i was gonna do this whole stupid like she's a fucking icon you know blah blah blah blah blah and then i got like nervous and i thought she would be offended and she would not she would have loved that that's how i felt with elvira i just i blacked out here's this here's this spooky bitch saying it's all sort of like with women like that established entertainment women it's like one of my favorite things about elvira is that she's a woman and she's a 10 time whatever and she's a insult you by scratching the surface in 10 words or less before i say her name yeah she so you wear a black wig that's like fierce girl girl you're fierce you're giving girl are you giving thanks giving sweetie mother sister daughter what honey the way that i have so many informations for you to chew on and ruminate and analyze thank god let's go well happy christmas happy happy christmas howardy i know we're not supposed to talk about harry potter but when i was younger hearing about harry porter harry porter yeah harry porter hearing british people say happy christmas it's like it's like happy christmas ron happy yeah merry easter it's freaky who would know who who could have predicted that happy christmas actually means trans people don't exist i saw this reductress wait was it reductress or and it said jk rowling declares herself as the only woman i don't know i'll be the only transsexual when i turn 50 right right right actually i saw that from misery so i have so much to tell you about can i go first yes okay so i don't even know where to start you go so i was i have a new story i have a new um i have a lot i do too so i'll do one section then you can do why don't we volleyball okay marty supreme i'll be gwyneth you'd be but marty supreme of course who's that the ping pong guy the movie yeah i'm i'm gwyneth smoking you're ping ponging timotay timotay chalamet um we'll eventually get to that gay porn show with the tennis you watch or whatever it is the tennis what is it golfing tennis golf hockey tennis golf volleyball yeah it's hockey yeah i will keep that brief but i have some really interesting wonderful things to say please let it be nuanced are you kidding me i'm just horny no no baby baby i i did a full tati westbrook apology about about oh my god i been thinking about that a lot we cast the shit out of that huh we cast that remember on the episode what are you talking about we we recast the 2016 the bye sister drama on this show do you remember this well of course we did you said tati sandy bullock and we said timotay chalamet oh and why why did they make that ping pong movie they could have made the banger of the decade and we said jeffrey's emma emma stone and it hurt another oscar-winning performance fuck she would she would three oscars for emma um so i had the i was in palm springs doing a photo shoot for the motel oh no that's not true i was in palm springs and i did a little happy hour at the motel for the guests hi hi hi oh they must have lived they loved it yes and everybody's so nice and it's beautiful and wonderful and then i went to the palm springs award they reopened the uh a theater he drowned does that make sense okay sorry he's not your dad but you love who you love what a freak it's like he drowned actually he's living in des moines well he will drown right have you talked to him he's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead have you talked to him today he took a bath this morning i don't know he's dead right um i was at the palms and they're reopening this big beautiful theater in palm springs and they're having this award show for to honor the palm springs past to honor the palm springs past present and future so i got to be the future got my little award and i got to a little speech and i just did something unprecedented which is lock in and do a good job you just reveal your tits and start rubbing them no not at all so you know how i love to say the right things to celebrities yes so this is one of those famously right so um i'm backstage waiting and it's at this theater and it's palm springs it's a monday in palm springs it's i'm about 40 years younger than everyone there which is lovely fine lovely lovely there's cheese and drinks and i'm in drag just standing fina's there oh um brandon's there we're just standing and i'm saying hi to some of the other people getting honored lucy arnaz was there hello nice to meet you very cool um and then i noticed you guys know i love sabrina the teenage witch the and i'm watching it recently while i'm getting in drag so i've been watching it a lot and i go oh my god that is the science teacher i'm sabrina the teenage witch i have to say hello and it's not i walk up and i go hi i'm trixie like nice to see you i said i have to tell you i watched sabrina the teenage witch when i get in drag recently it's such a great show i said obviously with the magic you guys aren't shooting in front of a live audience but it feels like a real live sitcom it's so funny i said the cast is so good you guys are all so good was it felicia rashad no no he goes oh yeah i said i said people must come up to you about that all the time and he goes no not really he goes usually it's for bridesmaids i go oh were you in it he said i directed it i'm paul feig are you kidding me the director of spy and so many melissa like i was so at least i was genuine where i was like i love sabrina you're nothing he goes yeah i was fired after the first season but um it's fun doing oh so he had something to do with sabrina he was the science teacher in it but he's also oh oh okay so that wasn't it okay oh so that's not so bad he directed the office yeah directed i didn't realize it's like saying herbie fully loaded changed my life lindsay yeah but i just love sabrina so that's okay i was gushing i was like it's a deep cut animatronic i love the cat i said i said caroline ray i said the whole cast you guys are so good he's like yeah he was like yeah he's like they kind of wrote me out after one season i said people must come up to you all the time no not really usually it's about bridesmaids i go oh dude like yeah were you in it or something love it you haven't seen spy killing it you haven't seen spy i love spy spy is fucking amazing so then i go home and google to him and i was like oh here's all he directed the office a bunch of episodes you need a veep or you need a like a veep style person in your ear like that's people must recognize you for surprise one season he was on in the 90s he goes yeah not really i did one episode for i had i had a i had a walking part on and then i was like fuck this is paul feig that i listen to office ladies they talk about paul feig like i was like oh anyway shout out to paul feig and i was in dragon he was very nice fierce i got another oh my god i dropped some names on the floor charlie's theron's christmas party oh well i'm glad you brought it up because if i say it it's a name drop but if you do it people are just happier yeah they're just because i have the slippery hands slippery hands luby hands well i'm glad you brought it up because if i say it it's a name drop but if you do it people are just happier yeah they're just because i have a can i tell you a pre-story to that and then you can lead that story okay so this night i got a visual too by the way there was a christmas party yep that we were going to charlie's party yes and i had another christmas party that night so i said you know what i'm gonna be slick i'm gonna do both um this one's at 6 30 the other one's at like seven so i'll go to this one early it was um zoe dashanel and uh jonathan scott's party their christmas party jonathan scott the property brothers they were producers on trixie motel are they together yeah they're married and stuff like heterosexual love no zoe i'm just kidding i'm just kidding no i'm gonna make this brother my property no um it's a throuple it's a throuple it's a throuple okay it's a polycule um so i go let's just do both so my boyfriend and i take a car with presents in hand because i you you go to you bring a gift even if it says don't bring gifts you bring a gift i don't want to be i don't want to be rude but you bring a gift i think i brought myself go ahead wait listen we'll keep going sorry we go and party the gates are normally open in the driveway we get out of the car i go that's weird they normally have more christmas lights on and there's like a person out here with a clipboard that's weird i'm mind you this is their driveway gate i'm jumping over the gate to look in their house because i could never believe that i'm there on the wrong day i'm this close to climbing the fence i'm like hold my gift i'm like married that's my gig that's my gig so my boyfriend goes why don't you check the invitation and i open it it's for the followings girl and it was which is like going to mars yeah luckily luckily i have i have a brentwood is so a love who loves me so much that he was not mad but i was like one way an hour in the car to brentwood everybody everybody in this in this troop has every right to be like you're a fucking idiot i am an idiot well stupid i mean i've i've gone to the airport on the wrong day boom yeah so then it went but it's cunty it's because i'm like i don't have to go anywhere woo so then i went home and you came over after yeah yeah no i didn't come over oh y'all picked me up oh we picked her up and let me tell you when i i felt so like faggot queen when i walked out of my um house in my faggoty outfit i have a picture of me and fina and the it was just like robin disco in the rono in the in the ronio disco inferno but the ron was in it that was the theme yeah it was a disco it was like for no disco inferno party so i wore one of my drag outfits - I wore a, well, I have a picture, I wore a, Like sheer crystal, like shitty rhinestone long-sleeve blouse with my nipples jutting out lewdly. And then rhinestone slacks and then high heels. Yes. And Fina was wearing basically the same thing. And we did not consult. And the pictures actually came out so cunty. Do you know who else was at this party? Mary, Sofia Vergara. I walked up to him and I go, I saw you last weekend. I was in drag. The science teacher from Sabrina. He was like, yeah. Love it. He was at Charlize's party? Yes. And I walked up to him and said, science teacher from Sabrina. Look, get into that. Fierce. Yeah, you guys look good. Fierce. Wait, hold on. It's great in this stage in your life to just go there. You know what I mean? I mean, what do I get to lose? Right. Literally nothing. But I mean, Fina's going to serve, so you got to give something. She's serving. She's feeling herself. Fina looked great. In that party, I was so, I don't go, like, I don't get invited to anything. You never invite me to anything. So I, once, twice I got invited. I got invited to, like, a celebrity's birthday party, and I chickened out because I get scared. And then, but I went, and I was like, but me and Fina had just gone off a plane, literally minutes. I had, like, minutes to get ready. I put some shitty silver glitter on my eyes, and then they picked me up, walking like a faggot into the car. But it was so fun. Oh, yeah. It was so fun, except Sofia Vergara was blocking the pizza bar. She was blocking the food. I was like, Mary, I am starving. She wasn't even really going in on the food. No, she wasn't eating it. If I'm blocking the food, it's a deal. It's a defensive strategy. Yeah. She was just standing by the food. And when people are that famous, you're not going to be like, can I just scooch past you for my fourth piece of pizza? No, because she's probably trying to be like, you're not getting fat. Gatekeeping. Gatekeeping. Gatekeeping. The food was good. Weight watching. I brought my own marijuana. I thought it was kind of bold to be smoking marijuana in her backyard. Nobody else was. Seth Rogen wasn't. It was just me. But can I just say, and for the record, this is a brag. She did Ms. Charlie's Africa. She, on the dance floor, pressed her whole. Tall, gorgeous body against mine for several seconds and screamed into my face, I love you, several times. I love that. You should have her on the pod. I'd love to. We don't have guests anymore. No. Everybody wants to come on. We're sick of the bullshit. I don't know. I don't know that she, I mean, she, she's, it was, I would, she was so beautiful. Yeah. Like, she's beautiful. She was super nice. But Mary, she was conti in real life. Yeah. She came up to me and she said, I don't like you. I don't like your friend. And I said, no, no one does. That old, that, why does he wear in that wiglet? I stopped drinking again. And she was like, do you want a shot? And I felt so lame being like, we both were like, we don't drink. No. And she was like, just come stand in the group. So we both stood with people doing shots with nothing in her hand like this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is, I think I put a cigarette up. Yeah. But it was okay. So let's just drop some names on the floor. Seth Rogen, Emma Watson, Emma Roberts. I didn't know who Emma Roberts was because she was about three feet tall. She came up and said hi to me because she's a fellow doll collector. I said, oh my God, I love your new. She just gave me a side eye and called me, called me a faggot. Right. And then she kicked me. No, I was, she was so little. Yeah. Sure. Her hair was different than it usually is. I thought the Afro wig was a strong choice. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. The, the, the, the, the, she had a rubber Wolfman mask on. I was like, are you sure the tips and she took the mask off and there was another mask. One of those rubber Nixon masks. I was like, girl, are you from point break? Did you rob all those masks? Did you rob all those banks? I think, and I'm not sure, I don't know who the, I think as me and Fina were leaving the party, the, this fierce, fierce bitch, like, I don't, I don't know what the verb is. She doesn't fall out of a car. She kind of just like, she kind of just like tumbles, but on her feet with like no shoes, she puts her heels on and she is obviously someone who's very cunt, young, gorgeous. And I think she's. And I think she's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, but like, you know, we live in LA, we're kind of famous where you're very famous and like, but it's funny. It's funny. It's funny. I think you're famous too. Can you be more specific? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What else? Who else? Natasha Lyonne. Natasha Lyonne looking very tiny, teeny tiny. But she's about 80% hair. Oh my God. It's so wild. I mean, I don't, I always forget Tom Cruise is 4'10". So it's like, they all are so small in real life, except Charlize Africa. You know what happened? I brought a gift and abandoned it. I brought a gift for her and I felt embarrassed. So I had to put it down and ran. That's why I didn't. Bring no gift. I was like, I'm going to bring a Christmas ornament. I asked Brandon to go out and get a Trixie kind of Christmas ornament because our corporate gift this year was this little Barbie ornament. So cute. But we were out. So I said, you just go to get like an ornament that I can take. Tell me why it was like a, tell me why it was like a, like a, like a pottery barn yarn doll, like a little pink yarn doll made of yarn. And I was like, so she's going to love the retirement home handicrafts. It's a no for me. So I just put it down and ran. Damn. I didn't check what was in the bag. I got there and was like, fuck. I didn't see anybody. The dog turd in there. I was like, I didn't see anybody with gifts. Yeah. I, I always think I'm going to be like, I don't know. They didn't, they didn't do a white elephant. I know, but it feels rude to show to someone's house. Nothing. I don't know. Not to a famous A-list rich person. You take something. Tea. I'm not joking. No, you do. That bottle of champagne. Ain't nobody touching it. Oh yeah. I took a bunch of that candy. I took the free weed. I ate two pizzas. Yeah. I ate a lot of food. I like ate the house down at that point. I ate sliders. Yeah. I had, this pizza was so good. The mini burger was one of the best things I've ever had. Finally, where I was able to edge Sophia and I just fucking elbow her in the boob and she fell over. Right. I left pretty early. Cause again, I, I just have a hard time not drinking at social events. No shit. So then I was smoking weed and then I smoked so much that I got nervous and had to leave. That doesn't seem like a good social anxiety fixer. No. No. One of the only people I knew came up, Kieran and Shipka, and we were talking and the marijuana hit and I was like, I'm going to go. Cause I'm scared now. So I think Charlize is mad at me. I keep seeing her looking at me and going like. I was, I had the best fucking conversation with this comedy writer. Um, God, I have, was it the science teacher from Sabrina? Yes, it was Paul something. I can't remember, but we, um, she had a great idea cause I was like, of course, I'm going on and on about in just like crap. And I'm like, I really want to produce a, uh, like a live, whatever, or animated series or something. She's like, we should do it at the Pasadena playhouse, uh, like a table reading or like a live reading. Oh, you mean just the dynasty? Yes. Dynasty typewriter. They do readings. I just did a. Will you do it? Will you be Samantha? Of course. Yeah. I read a episode of a break. There was an episode of the Brady's there. I did that. And they do readings of TV shows and movies all the time. So guess who I just saw there. I went there two nights ago to the dynasty. Who? Dina Martinez Christmas show. I hate your guts. I think I hate you. I want to kill you and murder you. Why didn't you call me? Well, my boyfriend got the tickets and we took his mom and grandpa who are visiting. They've never been to a drag show. Their first drag show was Dina Martina. I mean, it's all downhill from there. I still have not seen her live. Oh, she had a joke that turned me out so good. What was it? She struggled to put, I don't want to like blow away the show, but it's almost Christmas over. Um, she was struggling to put on this giant. For a coat for like 90 seconds during this musical interlude. And once she gets in our shoulder, she throws it off. I love it. And also she had this other bit where she goes, when God opened the door, he opens a window. No, when God closes one door, he opens a window. And when he closes that window, he turns on the TV. I like lost my mind. Well, her wig stock performance of the Rose is I think the best drag performance ever. Not a question. Yeah. Not a question. It was really funny. And the dynasty is so nice because you're right there. Oh yeah. And with Dina, closer is better. Yeah. I saw Meg Salter and Hannah Einbinder at the dynasty and that was wild. Meg Salter at the assaulting. She, Oh baby hostage situation. Yeah. Hostage. It was, she was like, it was comedy terrorism. It was amazing. Hot topics. Okay. Uh, he did rivalry. I know you didn't watch it. No, but this is Connor story. I want you on the pod very badly. Please come on the pod. Why haven't you made this happen already? That's like personally offensive. But like he, so yes. Okay. This show is made for me. Beautiful lighting, incredible asses, Russian, yada, yada, yada. But his, he's American. His Russian accent is so impressive. And he speaks like he has a whole monologue in Russian at like the fourth and fifth episode long, a lot of Russian. And it's so impressive. It's so impressive. And he does not. Speak Russian. Wow. How do you memorize that? I think I, Andrew was saying he had a fucking like drill sergeant, crazy bulk, uh, dialect coach or whatever, you know, and that, and he obviously worked really hard. I think he said in an interview that he was the most proud he's ever been of anything he's ever done. And he should be proud because it was so impressive. It was like, I mean, I've been studying Russian for 10 years. Do you jerk your penis? No, because I, well, I downloaded every clip available of them fucking, but then I deleted them because I, they, I. I cry. i cried it's to me it's so listen it's a show about two gay guys falling in love there's no fucking aids there's no fucking grape there's no fucking death there's no fucking like tragedy the only tragedy is like not being able to what are we watching for we're watching for romance yes no i would love love like amanda hugging kiss yes i mean and then but like fucking hot nasty sex fucking and not like there's no meth there's no like um poppers there's no like it's beautiful oh longing longing pining yearning justify my love maybe i'll watch it i've been i've been watching something really unprecedented which is i don't know what i gotta be in my body oh i went to vanderpump's dog gala sorry and then i weird weird was like i want to watch christmas housewives episodes what does that mean because i lived with david for so long i think i did mentally develop part of my brain that what does that mean what does that mean like the housewives that happened in christmas gotcha so i put on old episodes of housewives of new york which is and what is the best season very very very very drunk older women with young men fighting is it like is it not a white refrigerator no that's atlanta that's and that's way way long ago right this is like the 2012s and it's like old rich white ladies in new york screech screaming at each other is this um is this countess luann yes okay now is it kind of fun to watch we're gonna find to watch some of that and then there's a new amish show coming full body chills i'm telling you i i'm like our we're already wishing i could have my own pod about it because this show they have normal people volunteering to go live among the amish and at the end of it they decide whether or not they're going to stay amish that's fierce it's like the opposite of rumspringa but i'm kind of confused because a lot of amish people like wouldn't be caught dead on camera so i'm like these must be kind of liberal amish people to even allow cameras to be around or it's like candid amish camera i don't think it's candid but like maybe the cameras are made out of wood i think people are like i'm so sick of the internet social media overstimulation i want to i think life is better like less stimulation like they're going not they're going they're skipping the light dumb phones and they're going straight to amish country yeah that's wild and i like to learn about the amish i don't know if i need to i don't know if i need to do that my new thing is snake churches baby let's talk about the testament of ann lee who's that thank you it's um amanda seyfried as uh one of the founders of the shakers and this movie was so fucking boring and so boo-boo nasty bunny's shaker bunny's parents were shaker i think really parents shaker yeah no quaker is very different quakers these people are doing a choreo they literally do like it's like girl you can't have sex she has a husband it's like it was so it was so disappointing amanda seyfried i adore her she's so beautiful she's such a good actress but they really just ought to it should have just like morphed into like a modern dance company because they're like they're on this boat is like almost capsizing but they're praying but they're praying is like did you pray today did you pray today yeah testament of angley i i kept calling it the temperament of angley or the testic um the the the temperature of um the testicles of um uh uh uh um the testicles of sunni testament of ann lee sorry thumbs down amanda seyfried thumbs up i did pretty much finish every christmas movie that exists did you watch scrooged yes watch scrooged um whoever plays the fairy that flies carol fucking kane that's so funny toaster yeah her flying is magical in that movie she is great she chews up that scene i also love the scene where bill murray's in the elevator and opens the chest and it's all those screaming like demons or what about that fierce um flash forward with claire claire claire they're just children oh yeah she look margo kidder yellow teeth love like like so fierce like that was when people had yellow teeth i also went to a stage production of a christmas carol in louisville louisville kentucky theater no it was a professional regional theater i never seen a christmas carol like obviously all these cold bleak christmas eve like that kind of thing yes and they're in like period outfits do they have the solid gold dancers no no no no they're in like the the jiminy cricket outfits with like the little hat and the tail coats merry christmas to all it's like their nipples you couldn't see their nipples i did like it can i tell you wait did we talk about do we talk about it's a wonderful life oh i think so okay so i was i've been really christmased out of my mind this year so i was in milwaukee they have something called the stackner cabaret which is a tiny maybe 120 seat room and they do a lot of like route 66 songs of the american interstate what like they do like life is a highway where it's like four people who sing doing songs that are like the 1970s were huge for women blah blah blah blah blah blah i will follow him like they do medleys and do like historical shows i don't know how to describe car wash yes it'd be like that so last time i went there i went to see beehive music of girl groups of the 60s which was amazing oh that sounds awesome all bangers yeah no skips um no you can't skip a live show that's the thing you go to the bathroom i kind of treat it like a gong show if i don't like the song i'm like yeah so i went to see this was a stage production of it's a wonderful life that was a like 40s radio station doing a radio play of it's a wonderful life so the stage is set up like a small radio station and as you walk in you see the actors in their period outfits come in drink water warm up gargle and they are pretending to be radio play actors doing it's a wonderful life as a radio play it was amazing love that so we're in that when they're not in scenes as characters they're doing bells doors slamming snow crunching they're making all the sound effects we're doing that within just like crap at the pasadena it was so cool tell me why it started out and i was like this is kind of corny okay whatever um but they're doing singing commercials like a radio play like yeah brought to you by laundry detergent like doing the play like it's a radio when the summer is blazing yep and then when somebody's not on microphone the other people are in character as actors like seated drinking watching making the jingle bells or whatever doing the sound effects so many sound effects nobody was ever just sitting all these people were up there doing every little sound effect like anything wind blowing there's wind like everything now were they doing any acapella or they had tools and stuff no but one of them was like this and sounded right there yeah so tell me why i went from yeah it's a little corny but okay crying like my mom's the end when i mean i'd never seen the movie it's a wonderful life so maybe i just didn't know what really happens i don't is that but it's kind of it's a christmas carol where he sees his life if he wasn't born it's not the nazi movie no and then at the end that's life is beautiful he has this new appreciation for all the good things in his life because you know the merry christmas to the streets merry christmas christmas whatever yeah i'm crying like i'm at a general hospital saint emma roberts general hospital standing over my mother pull they pull the plug i'm crying it was so good yeah and to me maybe the brain rot something to look at at all times the story and jingle bells and shit no that's so and they all had period wigs and costumes on it was great i just loved it no i'm so happy i want to see it i'm so glad you told me about it fly to milwaukee go to the cabaret yeah i still want to see that paranormal fucking activity it's gone it's in london now well you can eat all of our asses it's in london now oh it's so good i know you describe it like it sounds riveting it scared me to death that's so cool i've never been scared to death by anything live other than a haunted house or me in the mirror at like 3 a.m what did you do for holidays oh my god let me tell you so i went to a really gay christmas party um oh and i met the guy no no no no no no they had um i um no no no i didn't it was a white elephant i didn't bring gifts so i skipped out before that um but nobody told me nobody told me nobody had trouble for bringing a host gift and you won't even bring a gift to oh no one i did bring my own soda though you better believe that because they had that's nice they had a cute thing they had little like you know wine glasses and you have name tag so you can't you know who you know who to roofie and um so you write your name on the glass and so you don't lose it so i kept you know refilling my coke and then i went to water and i would like pretend there was like oh god it's so strong and then i was talking to the guy who made your little heads jacob yeah no sean oh the trixie heads yeah yeah yeah pretty cool oh thank god because there was a lot of really like cool people there it was like a very like chic crowd luckily that loser was there is what you're saying isn't that awful that if you're listening i'm so sorry no you are a loser loser a flop no that we had we like sat down right next to the bathroom and um for like probably like 35 minutes you coke no it was funny because i thought i was like we're right by the bathroom it smelled like shit and like because it's a bathroom cocaine makes you shit well right i was like people went into the bathroom was like no tommy invited me into us into the bathroom to see the color that he painted it and like people are gonna think we're doing cocaine also no color there's only seven options like yes green it was like it was like a coral orange It was actually cunty. I thought it was another psychic moment. I had a really good one the other day. Well, I told you, did I tell you about my Grindr one? No. Mary, it is kind of, this has happened like three times. So I'm doing the Grindr podcast, had Luscious on. Great. Mary, I said three words. Yeah. Jinx had on, I said two words. Right. I asked her a question. She gave me 12 pages of text. Jinx, how have you been? Well, I was born in 1980. Like that woman is verbose. And thank God, because some of the other guests were not so forthcoming with their words. But the, so I was talking about, we're talking about, I forget who I was talking to. Anyways, I talked about getting a sexy massage by two guys. Okay. And then I talked about later, I asked them if I could pay them to watch them have sex. Oh, okay. It was like a voyeuristic thing. Like, and they were like, oh yeah, of course. Wonderful. And I had a great time. But then I was like, oh, I kind of. So like, I want to get directorial. And then it was like, that's kind of weird. I go back after the interview, I go back to the back room in my phone, check my phone. I got a text from them and I hadn't received any communication from them since June. And I'm talking to the minute, at least to the 10 minute mark. The moment I told that story, more or less, give or take 10 minutes, they texted me. That's crazy. I mean, it's not crazy. But it's like, that's a, I had a weird thing just yesterday. I called Mateo. Mateo had a medical event. I don't want to spill his tea, but I called and said, are you okay? I just had a feeling to call you. And he was like, how did you know? Mary. And then I was at my rheumatologist last week and I had a dream that she was getting married. I went to the rheumatologist and she was like, yeah, I said, are you getting married? She said, yeah. How did you know that? I said, I, I, maybe she told me my brain remember the giant sparkling engagement ring. Oh, she was in a wedding. She, sorry. It was at her wedding. You saw her drive the car with cancer. And striking. You were driving behind her the whole time. No, the way I have to spill some real tea. Do people know that this room becomes Kelly Mantle's pod? Can I spill the tea? You guys, there's, I was watching Kelly's clip because a certain guest was, went viral on there and I had to watch, um, uh, Alyssa Milano. It was me. Um, and do you guys don't know purple curtains pull closed and they bring in Kelly's milk crate or whatever she does. She just, they bring in her trough and miss Kelly. She just gets, she, you know, they give her a quarter G pump. No, that's like saw. They have a toilet with like a saw and a handcuff. They chain her to the desk and they chain her to the desk. Love Kelly. Love Kelly. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Let me look at my list. Not done. Okay. This is a big, Oh baby, baby. Well, I'm not, I want to talk to you about some good. Have you heard the good news? There was. Sorry. This phone. No, I'm just going to silence this before I hear the good news. Okay. I have to sound something too. Cause a lot of people are calling me too. I get a lot of calls. So mold, right? Moisture. It famously rained so much in LA recently. It was so bad. The LA river became a river. Yeah. My guest house was leaking. Like, like I'm out there changing towels on the floor. Like, like a maxi pad. Like mama, let me tell you what I was doing. Okay. First of all, don't ever get a moisture reader if you are not a contractor, a carpenter, some kind of a professional person who does work or deal with wood, drywall, moisture building, whatever. Because what I did is like, they have a setting for drywall, hardwood, softwood, and masonry. So you, you, you press it against the thing and it would like give you a reading of like it's dry or wet. If I put it like on. You know, if we just put it on like a puddle in the floor, it'll go. Oh, wow. I did that. I didn't even know that existed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's one with pins. You can stick them in. And then there's one that like it's more professional. It costs like 300 bucks. Girl, ask me why. I saw some bubbling, some definite water damage, like a small patch. So I went ape shit. That read a little like a dinged. Then I went down. It dinged again. Every fucking corner. of every room dinged red. I was like, well, there's water in my whole condo, on every floor in every room. Are you on the top level? Well, there's three levels. It's a three, it's a townhouse. Oh, it's a townhouse, okay, sorry. So I'm like, well, it's over. Like we're back to, not even back to square one, we're worse than we were in the beginning. My contractor comes over, he's like, yeah, those corners are metal. Like, that ding is dinging metal. That's not moisture, you fucking idiot. He didn't say that, but I was like. What a relief. Or no, is that bad? Mary. That's good, right? It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Better than Drag Race. I was like, my eyes went, I almost wanted, I just, do you want a blowjob? Do you want a second? Finally, yeah. I was like, I could not believe the relief. Do you know? I felt so stupid, but the relief was like overshadowed the stupidity. I had a similar good thing, which is my condo. Well, I don't want to say the address. Damn. My condo where we film YouTube, which is located. Drop a pin. Nick knows it has, when it's rained sometimes, leaked in the closets. The closets leak, which means my drag gets wet. All my equipment for camera equipment gets wet. Love that. And I've had the ceiling, the top sealed probably five times. And this time I went over there being like, here we go. I'm going to get the phone number ready because I know it's going to be a fucking swimming pool in there. Nothing leaked. I think they finally found the leaks and sealed it. So similar success because with the rain, I immediately was just like, well, we're going to be swimming. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's water rolled. Kevin Costner. But they're doing the deck. So there were, Mary. Can I say, you're for mass. I'm for whiz. Weather, we know about weather. Why not just make it so that if it rains in LA, nothing leaks. Why not just do it? We know about weather. We drive in 12 feet of snow. Right. Why not? Just make sure the roof does this a little bit. Yeah. Why not just make sure why is everything LA flat? So the water can just pool. Yeah. I, we, hurricane Bob, she, she got us. Yeah. She got us, but that was a hurricane, right? Hurricanes drop trees in your house. That sucks. Tornadoes in the Midwest, but miss rain, miss snow unfazed. What about London where it rains every single fucking day every day? But that's what I mean. I know it doesn't quite rain in LA. But it could, and it does. And so why is every roof, not just flat, but a divot to collect? What is going on? Andrew and I got a new studio. The, and when we drive in, they had me, they were like, oh, she can't park there because this it's a flooding the restaurant downstairs. Cause I was, I parked in just like you said, a divot on the restaurants flooded with the restaurants leaking because there's a pool right above it on a concave driveway. I'm like, what is wrong with you? People fix it. And like, where are the, where are the belts? For this? Like where, but Mary, this, this is the only time I really wish I had a reality show because when, after I did the moisture thing, they had put a tarp, like they had done a very nice job of putting a plastic tarp on the deck, but that day was pouring all fucking day. It was bad. And there was, and all night. Yes. And there was some, there was some actual visible water damage in the studio in four spots. I'm like, well, it's over. You know what I do? I go up there with two brooms. I start. Water. Sweeping the water to the drain. No, no, no, no, no. Then I get a wet back. Borrow, borrow, um, uh, wet back. Mary, it was so embarrassing because I was soaking wet. It was like trying to blow dry your hair in the shower. It feels very, the notebook, which is all wet. Like, why didn't you write me? Like, I don't know, but I didn't have hard, hard nipples. I'm not, you know what I mean? It was like the notebook, but I was like, in my head. In my mind, I was like, okay, it's going to be like, it's going to get that thick. It's going to just, the whole fucking roof is going to fall down. Yeah. And it didn't. It didn't. Thank God. And I would love to believe that had something to do with me wet backing. I think you did it. Yeah. That's like, let's say that. Yeah. I am humiliating all this time off for holidays. Well, you know, cause I didn't go to Wisconsin this year. I have guests, which by the way, at this stage of my life, having house guests is so much better than being a house guest. Like I love hosting. Is it? I love cooking for people. Oh my God. I've been cooking meals every night. I love to shower and wake up and say good morning to everybody. Crudite? Um, no crudite. Hot cough in the morning? One night I made lasagna. One night I made pot pies. Um, and then I just made pancakes for breakfast yesterday. Incredible. I like to, cause it's more, most recipes are for more than two people. So it's kind of nice to be like, let's do it. And all this food will be eaten. Imagine if you did like a whole spread and you just ate it yourself before everybody woke up. I'll do it. Of course. Hiding food for myself. Breakfast was amazing guys. What are you all eating? Sometimes I find candy. I find candy in the house that I put away for myself like a squirrel. And I'm like, I'll work. Um, that's okay. It's okay. It's a little treats. Yes. And I, it's fun to have house guests. It's fun to, you know, my house is all Christmas doubt too. So I was like, let's do, let's do it. Um, but you know, I get overstimulated. So I've been after a nice long group social day, I'll be like, I'll go to bed at 10 and read my book. You know, it's nice to decompress before you go to bed. No screens, no screens. But I've been reading this book, um, called Mr. Magic. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is creeping me the hell out. "Fuck out, girl." - I gotta read this shit. I'm gonna read it to you right now. - I just started it, so I don't know what happens, So I can't spoil, but it's about this nineties. I don't know if it's nineties. Yeah. It's about a kid's show, a retro vintage kid's show that everybody has seen, but nobody online and nobody who's seen it has any real memory of like who's on it or what happens. And then all the kids who starred in it are having a reunion and they're like thirties and none of them can remember being on it. And it's creeping me out. I don't know what it is, but something about. It's a great premise. Yeah. Cause what is that? Let's like, what'd you call it? The Mandela effect? No, the Mandela effect. Where you like think a logo is something and it's not like that stage of your life. I have so many memories of TV shows, but don't remember what it was. The Streisand effect is when you try to get people to not look at something and they do. Right. Why is it called the Streisand effect? Because she, famous, she has this giant fucking mansion. She's like, no, don't photograph my huge fucking mansion. Of course, everybody photographs the mansion. You tried to sue like Google Earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's why it's called the Streisand. That's why it's called the Streisand effect. Yeah. It's all of a sudden something nobody was looking for. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it says, you know, from the person who has a mall in their basement. You know, it makes me think of social media posts that pissed me off so bad that it's like, don't look, don't zoom into the left corner. And then you zoom in and it's like, don't read the description. Got you. Mary. Every time. I throw my phone. I lose my phone. Exactly. Straight in the pool. Straight in the water that's pooling on top of my house. Damien, we need to go to the computer store. Yeah. Oh, wait. I can't. I'm saving it for the next episode. Are we doing two? I got a good one. Yeah, let's do it. Wait, hold on. Spilled a bottle of silicone lube. A bottle with the cap open. This is literally like a terminal diagnosis. You know this. You have to move. You've got a death in the family. You've got your whole family died. Brother, sister. Wow. Yeah. Dead. Gone. And then you have, you know, like a world war. And then you have silicone lube in a whole bottle. Remember when you said your nephew was like splish splash taking a bath, skating in your house on it? Baby. That was the other house. And now the horror continues. It follows. Why are you using silicone lubricant? Because I have a weenie that is so dry. But water's hydrating. Water lubricant is better. It's so. But it washes off. I hate the feeling of silicone on your like taint. Oh, see, I love the feeling of silicone. If I could, if I had a sex dungeon, which I definitely don't, I would like have a, you know, when, if I was like Epstein Island or whatever, I would like have, uh, adults come over and, um, who wanted to. And then we would like just roll around in like silicone lube, um, kiddie pools or water beds or whatever the fuck. Oh, okay. I love it. I love the, it's so, and you can do it in the shower. Cause I have that wonderful shower that I can have sex in. Right. But you can have sex in any shower. But mine, you can have sex with like four people. Oh, do you like group sex? No, I don't either. But I love the option of like, or we can just shift. Cause we have like the one thing and then the, you know, the, all the different, I like have no, I had a lot of group sex when I was younger. Really? I've had a lot of three ways and four ways, not orgy shit. Okay. Not showing up at a sex party. None of that. Good for you. Yeah. I was with them. I've been a third or had thirds many times and four ways and all that. And it's very much at this stage of my life, completely unappealing to me. Yeah. It's not for me. I'm also, I'm not like, you know, devastatingly hot. So like I, I worked with this model at the grinder thing and I was like, what are you doing? What are you doing tonight? And he's like, I'm going to orgy. And I was like, I'm fierce. I think you should have sex with fans. I think it always goes well. Yeah. Wait, I hope it's not. He won't care. I found the white whale. Is it the white whale? Something you've been looking for? Brennan Frazier. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You were jerking your pinniness like Brennan Frazier. I had a heart attack and then I floated to heaven. The floating is fierce. Not the white whale. The white whale. The white whale. Oh, fuck him for the whale. Not him. Darren Aronofsky. Um, I, so this is personal, but I won't mention the name. I hook up with this person on grinder. That's anonymous enough. I'm sorry. Fuck off. If you listen to us and you're like, yeah, that was me. You weren't named. Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. His name was Bob Nelson. No. What are we supposed to get on here and be like, I had some food from a restaurant with someone and something happened. It tasted relatively delicious. Yeah. No, he, just wanted to have his ass eaten. Okay. Okay. So that is too good to be true for me. Right. Because that is my favorite sexual activity to, to do, to perform. And usually, um, what happens when a, when a bottom says that is that they, when they say they like having their ass eaten, it's kind of like, yeah, eat my ass and then fuck me. Right. And it's, they like it, but I feel like they're kind of overselling their enthusiasm a little bit. Cause they want to get railed sometime. Also like love getting your ass ate, but it's not a 40 minute. Activity. Baby. Unless it is. Sweetie. Was. Darling. Do you like John? I, my tongue is still sore four days ago. So let me, let me, let me just tell you, let me tell you, he, it was incredible. He was not a tweaker. Wow. Not, he just, just a little bit of poppers, a little bit of poppers. But you know, but you know, who's, you know, who champions the extreme sex activities? What? The sober people. Well, yeah. Because they. They have to. The people in the program. They're the ones doing the group set. I was at the dinner. I was at the dinner with the guys who came from Berghain. Hello. Thank you. Diapers. No, but, no, but. So anyways, comes over. I mean, the pictures don't do him justice. The booty is like, I was like, I was like at the, you know, at the Louvre, like just admiring. I ate his ass for two hours. Wow. But I didn't, I have, I didn't have poppers cause I don't do poppers. I don't like poppers. Cause I don't like poppers. I take Viagra and it's like, you can't. So, but I ran. What a fierce way to go though. Of course. Bloodshot. She died doing what she loved. Well, I didn't know. It's like he mentioned poppers. I was like, I don't have any. He was so good. I ran out the house in my slides and my little short shorts and a tank top to the smoke shop. They were closed. Ran up the street to another smoke shop to get him poppers. Not you stopping the sex to do Instacart. Mary, my own. Are you out of your mind? I didn't drive. I didn't drive. I ran in my. Slides. He was. Do you like Emil? Do you have Emil? Emil Nitrite. Emil Nitrite. You like Emil? Mary. And then it was worth it because he truly enjoyed it. And I'm not to be gross. His asshole was not just clean. It wasn't just like a fresh skin smell. It was scotch guarded. It was beautiful. And it. Swiffered. It tasted good. Right. It's like he sugared. Ram or something. That's the teriyaki. That's a one mommy. Do you guys take that? I know. Well, honestly, I hope this person's not embarrassed because this story makes them sound like a star mama. And guess what walked to my house lives close enough to walk. Maybe you can do it again. Are you joking? I'm just waiting for the tongue frenulum to heal. I think that's a wrap. I think. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, I'm not done. Okay. It was like, imagine Monica Bellucci or. Uh, uh, Angelina Jolie's lips. Blistex every day in Hawaii. So hydrated, so moist. So his butthole looked like Angelina Jolie's lips. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just the feeling. Imagine kissing those beautiful women. Detox. His butthole looked like detox. No, no, it was just, it was, it was, I, I thought every like few minutes I was like, this is gonna, this is too good to be true. He's gonna like lose interest or whatever. Is he robbing me? You keep one eye on your wallet. Mary, he was in my bed. He didn't even move from the bed when I, when I went on my little errand. Boop. You left him in your house? I sure did because I knew he was trustworthy. What's he gonna take? Mary. Oh, my taxidermy. What the fuck? Which cliffhanger next episode. You're gonna love that. Okay. Love that. Let's stop it there. You guys. Thank you. Why are we saying thank you? Ew. Bye. Ew. Ew. Thank you for what? Bye.