The Truth About Your Nervous System (And Why You Feel Stuck) | Rebecca Cordecki

What if the reason you're feeling exhausted isn't your age? What if it's that your body hasn't felt safe in years? And no amount of workouts where supplements or discipline can fix a nervous system that's stuck in survival mode. You want to tune into this episode with the incredible Rebecca Cordecchi and here how you can get out of survival mode and thrive. This definitely might be one of my top five episodes that we recorded. You guys are gonna get so much out of this thing anyway let's get to it. Welcome to the Fit Over 50 Life Podcast. Power show features engaging thought-provoking and inspiring conversations with experts, influencers and thought leaders in health, fitness, longevity, mindset, and personal growth for us those over 50. Okay welcome to the Fit Over 50 Life Podcast. We are very very grateful that you are here today. You are in for a special treat with our guest Rebecca. Hey Kelly I don't want to take any time away from this topic because we want to be on point here so why don't you do an intro for Rebecca and then we'll dive in. Yeah so today is something we're talking about that most people completely overlook your nervous system and Rebecca Cordecchi is a life and relationship coach with over 30 years in health and wellness space and she began early as a celebrity fitness trainer and she has evolved into a leading voice in personal transformation. She's been helping people break through emotional patterns regulate their nervous system and really reclaim their energy, their power and especially in mid life. She is known as the tough love coach with a warm hug which we like and she blends breath work and somatic tools and mindset work and we are in for a really powerful conversation so Rebecca thank you so much for being here. Thank you thank you for that intro. I sound good. Yeah no I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be here. Thank you so much. So we're we appreciate why don't you share with our story your backstory of what got you into this because as we've found out everybody's got a story of what drove them to help others if you could please. Yeah oh my goodness my my story is long so I'll try to give the cliff notes you know of what I came out of I think when I you know had a childhood that was a little we'll call it dysfunctional and left me with some wounds and so as a teen I sort of lost and I really didn't know what I was going to do with my life and I found myself always asking the question what's it all for? What is it all for? Why am I here? And I never knew the answer for a long time and I fell into a drug addiction in my early 20s and the addiction kicked my ass it almost killed me. It was bad bad bad so for six years I you know escaped dealing with the pain of what my childhood had been and the wounds that I hadn't understood yet by numbing out through drug use and so I dove into that because it made me feel safe for the first time in my life I was like oh I don't have the face feelings this is awesome and so I when I finally though hit a rock bottom with that I call it my the three bees I it was bloody broken barefoot on a street in Los Angeles at four in the morning and I literally knew that if I didn't stop that moment that I would die and I heard a voice even say to me and I now know it was God but then I wasn't in touch with spirit or anything and I just heard a voice say if you don't stop you are gonna die and so I go to a pay phone this is how long ago it was there were still payphones because I'm 62 and so do the math it was like I was 26 when this happened yes 40 years ago so anyways I go to the pay phone and I call my dad and I say dad he was the man that had adopted me when I was younger I said I predicted to cocaine can you help me and he said get your ass to the airport they'll be a ticket come home and so that was the beginning of my journey of getting clean off of that drug but invariably and maybe many many other people listening that have maybe stopped using a drug or acting out in an addiction what we find is even though we no longer have that thing that we reach for and we use to sue us we still have to deal with the stuff underneath it's why we reached for the thing in the first place and so I hadn't done that work yet and so for four years I sort of switched addictions from drugs to running and to lifting weights and getting fit and I will take that on any day seven days a week twice on Sunday you know at least I chose something healthy and so I started running was the first thing and I decided I wanted to do a marathon so I had this goal and I was off of the drug and I was focusing on doing the opposite of what I'd been doing which was abusing my body instead I decided to love on my body and build it up and get fit and understand how it works and so I wanted to train for the marathon and I heard that oh lifting weights is a great complement for getting faster times when you run so I started lifting and I just immediately was addicted to all things working out and fitness and eating healthy and so honestly that was the beginning I'll stop there so I don't consume the show I'll stop there you guys can ask some questions and I'll tell you how I got into what I do next but like that was the beginning of my work in this field and how old were you when that went down so I was around 30 30 that I I started well 26 was when I got off the drugs and switched into running and lifting weights and and then I didn't become a trainer until I was 31 I think and that's a whole story how that happened yeah but I know a lot of people when they stop drinking it's in Dwarfen deficits syndrome but I don't know if that's the case with when it comes with drugs yeah it's it's we're missing that high of any kind right whether it was serotonin and Dwarfen or dopamine hit or whether it's a hit we're looking for a rush and something to soothe the pain basically it's an incredible story and I really appreciate you vulnerable sharing and believe it will connect to a lot of us because as you said you know faith was kind of the thing that got you in that moment that's a word designed to be addicted to and nothing else is gonna replace it even if it seems like something good like exercise and it's just that you know trying to fill the void that only be filled with faith in God so I love that you had that that moment and it brought you to this work here today so yeah I'd love to do the dive into the nervous system you say that you know people think that they're aging but really it's a dysregulated nervous system can you explain that yeah I think you know gosh it's my work transformed from fitness into breath work which was the first entry into now life and the relationship coaching breath work is one of the tools I now use with clients to help them regulate not only their nervous system but all of their emotions and so when we think about aging and the reason why we're aging most of it and you guys know this like a lot of it is from stress and overwhelm and eating poorly or not moving our body enough and all of that ends up also affecting what our nervous system feels like daily and when our nervous system is either trying to deal with stress and then or trying to combat trauma or overwhelming emotions we are always in fight or flight or freeze or fawn whatever the nervous system chooses to go into for safety and protection in that moment and all of that leads to disease of some sort anytime we're living in in a frozen state or we're living in a unmanaged way whether it's nervous system or whether it's just our emotions in general and so I believe that the first step in anything whether it's being healthier aging better loving yourself more loving God more loving your friends and family more is to co-regulate yourself with nature or God or a friend or a pet or if you have to do it yourself then regulating yourself is done through breath can be done through meditation but the easiest fastest way to get your nervous system grounded and regulated is through breath work and through even just taking the most simple of breaths which is just that immediately grounds us so much but whoever stops to do that unless they remind it I wear a hat sometimes it says just breathe and I have a shirt that says breathe your ass off and so like some times we will see me and then out in the store and stuff and they'll go oh thanks for the reminder I need more of those I need to do that and so you know we forget and what we forget because breathing is voluntary is voluntary so you know I'm sorry it's in voluntary and so it's happening in the background but our job is if we want to be in charge of our breath then we voluntarily step in and we manipulate it with different exercises which is what I teach to clients who are struggling with nervous system or anxiety or stress or any of that yeah can you elaborate on the breath working what it does to your nervous system, your entire nervous system, maybe the serotonin in the brain or actually produced in the gut. So, can you then talk about fawn? What that is? Because I'm not sure if everybody knows what that is, if you could just elaborate on that. So, the breath that I started out teaching is called conscious circular breathwork. And I look at, you know, the umbrella of breathwork has two arms, the way I teach it and coach it and explain it to people. The first arm is this arm of what we call breath exercises or breath prescriptives, right? And those breath works that someone might be told to do like the box breathing or a 478 or an alternate nostril breathing or a breath of fire. Those breath practices and exercises, if we do it with the right protocol, we will always get the desired result. Meaning if I want more energy and I do breath of fire, I'm going to be pumped up. I'm going to get a little light headed too. If I want to get sleepy for bedtime, I do 478 and that will usually calm me down and get me ready to go sleepies. If it's a young person or someone dealing with anxiety in the moment their head spinning or they just can't calm their energy, a box breath is really good for them. Now, that's one category and I call it breath prescriptives. And then over here under the same umbrella is what I call the transformative type breath, which is conscious circular breathing, holotropic, Wim Hof, Assoma, all these different styles that have now come out of, there's like one or two arms that originated and all these people did offshoots of that breath style. But the breath style conscious circular breathing or transformational or transformative breath, there's someone who has a trademark on one of them, so I just be careful with how I say it. But conscious circular breathing is the safest way to say it. It is a style of breathing that's like a box of chocolates. We never ever know what will come when we do it and that's the point. It is intense, it is evocative, it brings out feelings and emotions. It can leave you crying, screaming, laughing, cackling like a, I don't know, a dog barking, and it does all these things because the body is finally releasing what's been pent up and stored inside us for far too long. That's what I usually say. It's like we're all walking around with like years and years of things we've stuffed down and suppressed and bottled up and said, "No, I'll do it that later." Or, "I can't, I gotta go to work." Or, "There's too much going on in life." And so we suppress it. But when we do this breath work, what it does is it turns off our prefrontal cortex long enough for us to drop out of our head out of the top-down thinking way and go into our heart space, which is where feelings are, and into our tummy or belly, which is where we store emotions too. And it allows us to get there and get to the truth of it and release it. So we're not busy thinking. It's called hyperfrontality. Transient hyperfrontality and it's really for a moment the brain will get quiet. So that, once this pattern kicks in a breath that I teach, they can get out of their head and into their heart and it's kind of how I describe it. Two things. Number one is this. One of the things you said that's profound knowledge is that you quiet the brain down and all the alcohol, the drugs, the escapisms, the shopping, the porn addiction. That's all the quiet the brain down. But not solving the problem. Here you're actually solving it by shutting down the nervous system. I don't know about you all. That's my self-jews, the accident, by the way. When is the first time I heard about breath work? I'd have to say because most people think it's new breath work or whatever because of influencers. I know Gary Breck, they're going to bring in the awareness of that. But I remember Tony Robbins' personal power cassettes. I forget the breathing. It was like eight seconds in, hold it. And then I forget the exact numbers. But that's the first time. I remember it. And I do know this. I would use that still to this day to get energized when I was tired and I had to do some seminars or something like that. And it literally lit you up. Yeah. 100%. That's kind of a breath of fire style. And it's, yeah, it's meant to activate the, actually, activate the nervous system to kind of, your awareness, get you ready. It's go time when you do that breath. Yeah. Yeah, it's go time. And the opposite of that is like the 478, the very calming and gentle breathing that's very slow and deep and rhythmic, but with a very slow pace on purpose to calm the parasympathetic to activate the parasympathetics and calm the sympathetic nervous system, which has us all keyed up. Speaking of which, let me ask you a question. Are we addicted to cortisol or what? We're addicted to everything in this world right now. Oh my God. Dr. Joe talks about we were addicted to your own habits, your own self cortisol. So and most people don't realize that it's become part of their identity. I don't know, I'm not sure how you feel about that. So if they took away that identity of being stressed out all the time, the brain, correct? So how do you take, take out one part of their identity where they're constantly in cortisol mode and then put in the new identity to have peace? Obviously having God in life, which I've been blessed very recently to get really close to God, thrilled about that, took a long time. One of those kind of like you did, I could get late in life, ran out of shit to do wrong and I, you know, then I went, found God, excuse my language here. So what's your thoughts on, you know, how do they replace an identity with the new identity and how long something like that typically take? Phew, I think, well, that's an excellent question. And I think, you know, it varies person to person and also how attached is somebody to that identity, like how deeply rooted and clawed in. Are they like some people are like, eh, it's cool. I'm gonna let that person go because it was bugging me anyways. I can change identities really easy. And another person will be like, that's all I've ever known since I was born. I guess my life, I can never let go of that. And so everyone's gonna be, you know, different case and have a different face, right? So I think that, it's easy. Here's the easiest thing is if someone says, I'm ready, I'm aware it needs to change. I want to do the work. They say those three things, I'm ready, I'm aware it needs to change and I want to do the work. Then we can move, then we can hit go with that. But if somebody's like, nah, I don't even think that's why I don't know, that's wrong. Like, no, I just, I can't imagine my life without them. If they're fighting me already, then I'm like, okay, you're not ready. Come back when you're ready, then we'll get to work. I love to work with you, but not to you're ready. Because we can't fight, you can't fight against someone's own willpower free will, right? So that's how I would speak to that. But I do think, you know, and I think, I always say, Tony Robbins speaking to Tim Robbins, you always talked about this, about role in, we're on boxes, we're living in boxes, we're driving a box, we come home to a box, we work in a box, we stare at a box, right? We're in boxes all the time and we've got this mentality that everything lives inside this box and without the box who are we? And I say, what if we could tear down the box and start blasting out the walls of the box and discover where somebody really different? But if that box stays boxed and we stay in it, we ain't ever going to change, right? My accent. So I say, we really have to get really honest with ourselves, you know, and I think that comes through, like you guys refer to faith, I'm faith-based as well, and I think that, you know, getting quiet with yourself, which then allows you to hear the voice of God. And I think so many people just hand tag on to what you were saying about, are we so addicted to this and that? And I think we're addicted to disconnection from self, we're addicted to not feeling the truth of us. And if we would all reconnect back to hear our truth and our heart and our voice, then we would hear God's voice, sources, voice, universe voice, and we would get an alignment so much faster. I mean, that would cut like 80% of the problems in the world if people would just reconnect to themselves first and then have faith, God and all that. And suddenly, it starts with you. I mean, you might fight me on that. Go, no, get God first. Then you find, I still think you have to love you first before you're even willing to let in another voice or entity or source. Amen. One of the things, sorry, Kelly, so you know I love this topic. So, let's go there. One of the things, you know, working with clients when it comes to things like weight and stuff, one of the first thing I was doing a one on one, just a initial consultation with somebody yesterday. And she had massive trauma in her. Oh my God, it was a horrible stuff. And it was unresolved and ashamed with that. And I just said, you're not going to all of a sudden love yourself because you get to a certain way. You got to love yourself. I literally made her do this. I didn't even tell you, Kelly. I said, I want you to take one hand like this at the end of the thing and one hand like this. And hug yourself. Okay, before I leave today and tell yourself you love yourself and it makes such a profound impact on people because we're so used to beating the crap out of ourselves for all our shortcomings. Sorry, Kelly. No, it's good. I do that. I live alone, so I do that in bed at night. I get in bed and I just hug myself. You know, we're kind of giggling at that, but that's actually a practice called havening. And it actually is like this. This is also given to our self a sweet hug too, right? But this way, if you remember when you were a kid, if you had good, loving, kind parents, and you would come home and you had been hurt, like I didn't, so I don't know what that is. But some people remember this, so you'd come home and you'd be crying in your mom or your dad would come, maybe I got you, and they would rub you and love on you and make you feel safe. So that's why safe haven. And so this practice is an NLP practice, actually, it's called safe havening. And it gives our body the idea of we're okay, we're safe. And then the hug like you said, Mark, is also like, to ent hand them, that would be a really beautiful thing, maybe to add for this client, to let her know that she's safe, 'cause probably she doesn't feel safe in her body, would be my guess, and doesn't remember what that felt like, even before she gained all the weight. And so first let her feel safe, and then, you know, 'cause some of these people can go, it's corny to go, I love me, and get myself out. So I just say, okay, what can you just do this first? Like start here, 'cause it's even lower than like, I love myself, right? 'Cause some people struggle with it. - They struggle with the kitchen, they've never actually done it or started it. - They've even never said the words, I had a client, I don't even know what self love is. And then, where came with me for two months, he's like, he looked me in the camera, he's like, I love myself, I finally know what it is. Yeah. - So that was a breakthrough. - I love your neighbor as yourself. If you don't love yourself, how you gonna love your neighbor? You have to start with yourself, and we've got a part to do in that. It's our part to do, no one can do that for us. Back at the beginning, you mentioned fight, flight, fallen, and freeze. When you said freeze, that just really jumped in my spirit. You see people, they're so rigid. I mean, they walk in the room, you're like, "Who, there's so stuck." So can you break those, who? - Down. And it's our nervous system reacting, and it was really important for us back in the day to have a mech-delah, it's part of the brain, that regulates this fight, fire, fleece responses. And it was important back in the day to have that, so that we could have fast actions that would make cortisol run on our body, adrenaline go, and make us tighten our muscles, and make our eyes go really bright, so we could see things to protect ourselves. And so it was such an important feature to have access to, because it saved the cavemen, and our ancestors when they were in trouble. And so the fighting part is, "Rrr, I go after it, I'm gonna attack that tiger that's coming after me, so I'm gonna fight." And all those processes that happen in our nervous system and our body to get our body ready for it, it gives us more adrenaline, makes our eyes bright, so we could see, makes our senses, we can hear better. And when that happens, then if we do wanna fight the tiger, we're ready, right? Some people freeze, 'cause they're like, "I don't wanna fight the tiger, I'm gonna shrink and hide." So they freeze and shrink, and they're in a perfect state to be able to freeze and protect themselves through hiding, basically. And then, fight, flight, freeze, flight, is obviously we run from the tiger. So all of those things that happened in our body when we saw the trigger, the tiger, or whatever it was, now we're faster when we run away. Well, our arms move quicker, 'cause our muscles got engaged, we got the shots of adrenaline and all the epineparing and all the things that run through our body. And now we can run faster, so we leave quicker. And then, fawning is kind of a newer one that is more around the psychology of things. So, fawning is where we just become, with people, please. We just over give. We just sacrifice ourselves to stay safe. So we would do things we would normally do. We'd say things we would never say 'cause we're afraid. So we fawn, we just kind of, whatever you want. Yes, anything you need. And so we become that person in a situation. That's more like more current world experience of the nervous system. Then it do that back in that day, I'm sure. - So the people, please, and is there anything you could add to that? 'Cause one of the things I noticed that if a person is a people, please, or when it comes to, eating is that binge and emotional eating are the number one and two trait of people, pleaseers. Because as you know, people pleasing, you can't control. It always kind of is, at everybody's needs, but you can control the fact that you're eating, and when you're eating, and what you're eating, plus there's probably a dopamine fix from whatever kind of food you're eating. - Oh, 100% of that, yeah. - So how does people pleasing really affect when it comes in other ways of the nervous system? Is there anything you could share on that, on a knowledge or experience that you've noticed? - Well, I just tied everything into weight loss or stopping smoke from the street. - Yeah, no, but I think that, of course, anytime we're not honoring our truth, like we're not living authentically in who we really wanna be, and instead we're people pleasing. It's like, basically we're shrinking our cell phone, we do that, playing small, I just had a client the other day talking about how her whole life, and she's in her 60s, she has played small in every relationship, whether it's family or friends or partners, and just basically shrunk herself to make people like her, or make people wanna be around her, or make people feel seen, because she was afraid if she spoke up, they would leave, or all these reasons, and anytime we're not doing that, we're, it's not good for our health, it's not good for our mental capacity, and it's certainly not good for our self-worth, and self-trust, and self-compassion, and kindness, and all of that. And so we are always constantly in a state of, who do I have to be around this person to make them love me? Do I have to shrink? Do I have to go quiet? Fawn, do I have to freeze, and not do anything, do I just have to stand there? Do I have to run quickly to get away from them, because they're gonna come after me, and I wanna make sure that I can get away? I don't know, so we go into all these things to manage that state that we're in of people pleasing, of trying to make people like us, love us, and whatever we have to do, and as we do that, we're losing more of ourself every time, and then we go to food, to feel finally, feel like you said, then there's the reward, okay, I got away from them, or I gave them what they needed, now I'm gonna eat. Now I'm gonna control my food, count my calories, but maybe now I'm gonna throw up after, 'cause I need even more, the whole thing, we get into all the addictions around the food then too. - Well, this is really, the people pleasing, is just a really amazing topic, because there's so many people that fall into that category. It's, by pleasing others, and getting the validation, that's when we feel, at least from what I've learned, safe. And when you grow up in an environment that may have had traumas in it, you don't feel safe, that's why one of the reasons at least I know, so great, great stuff you're sharing here today, Rebecca. So, by the way, I got a great job here, if you're listening, you all need to get on YouTube here, I get smart, successful, beautiful women that we talk to all the time in this thing, I got the best job in them all, man. (laughing) - All right. (laughing) Thank you for having me, huh? - Here's the, yeah. All right, now that I threw you all off topic, let's get back onto the nervous system here, so. Okay, so what I'd like you to do is this, somebody comes, I want you to walk through the process, somebody sits down with you, they're a hot mess, for lack of a better word. What are the key points, or what are the key things you take them through, so that they, just like that one client, that's loving all over themselves in two months, what transpires during that process there, if you could kind of chunk or break that down and maybe share actionable steps that our listeners or viewers could apply to their life, and maybe improve things right out of the gate in this thing. - Yeah, sure, I mean, it depends on what they're actually coming to me presenting, right? I'm gonna approach everybody different, but I always talk about the framework that I use, or the, what I wanna call it, the process, the process or framework, and I call it reclaim3, and I speak about the three areas of our body, our being, and the first one is the nervous system, so we wanna reclaim our body and our nervous system, right? So we wanna regulate that first piece, because from there, then we can think clearer, from there, we can understand the wounds in our heart and all of that, so then we go from the body to the mind, and we start working on the mental thoughts that were looping, the tape, I always say, there's a tape recorder on your head, and it's playing some bullshit all day, every day, and we need to change those tapes, and so I actually literally show this in my sessions, I'll say, we're gonna dump out all the things untold, it's too late, I'm not pretty enough, I suck, I do, so we're gonna dump that out, and we're gonna put in, by the way, this is a Walkman from the '80s, even the technology I'm using is outdated, right? So we have this old, old, old, old tape recorder, full of old, old, old lives, and so what we do in the beginning of our work, well, we're working with the mindset, is we start working on the limiting beliefs, the stories, the voices in their heads that are from X's or parents or friends who are jealous, and the voices they loop on, and we all have them, you know, and the things that someone said when they broke up with us, and we keep it in our head, and we replay it over and over, so we clear that, we clean that, and put some new messages in the tape recorder, and by the way, we upgrade that piece of crap, and we put now it would be. be a USB port that we put in and it's full of beautiful messages. So that's the reclaimed the mindset and then the third piece I do is we reclaim the heart. And the heart is full of lots of things, lots of scar tissue, lots of feelings of brokenness. And the biggest thing is usually a core wound. And you guys have probably heard that term. A core wound is usually the main wound that just for your listeners in case they don't know, that was picked up or printed on us and planted on us from childhood. And it was usually comes from those early years when we were raised by our primary caregivers. It can also come though from later in life. Let's see how some people will tell me they have a perfect childhood. I don't know if anyone really has had that because I can find the holes after they start talking about the family. And I'm like, "You thought that was perfect? I don't know. That's a good way to talk to each other." But okay. And so it can come later in life like from a trauma, a different trauma or a bad breakup or rape or something very, you know, very aggressive to the body so you can get that core wound later in life. But typically that hole that's in the heart needs to be filled. And almost every client I've worked with thus far has one. Usually they're things like, "I'm not worthy. I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. They're going to leave me anyhow. I should just stay small because when I speak up, people fall away. I'm never going to amount to anything why bother." And these wounds, these messages came from the wound which usually was, the parents didn't love on them right. So they made that mean something. The parent was never affectionate. The parent wasn't present. They were a latchkey kid. The parents always fought. They made themselves be the meaning of those fights. They made the not getting the love. Well, I guess I'm not a worthy kid. The other kids got love. Why not me? So we make that mean something as we're watching it when we're little. But we don't know we're doing that, but we do it. And then we grow up and then we act out in relationship through that wound. I had more than my wound was. I was in foster care and adopted at 12 and then became a drug addict. My mom was in and out of my life for my whole, telling me, "16, but never really could love me right." And so mine was, I'm not worthy. I just, I have no value because people keep giving me away. I was in 12 homes in 12 years as a kid from zero to 12th grade. And so to go bounce into 12 homes and keep getting put somewhere else, I kept, I made that mean. Nobody really loves me and I made that mean. No one will ever stay. Nobody stays. Because I don't stay. They don't let me stay. So when we do that, then we grow up and our relationships are through that and the other probably, I always do the other probably. I bring on as we're looking at our relationships through that lens, the lens of what we made it mean. And if I made it mean that love never stays, then boy, I was a runner for a really long time. Every relationship, I always, I want to leave before they did. I left every single relationship before they did. So I started working on all this stuff and I healed that wound. But that wound had made me a runner for a long time. And so now my last track of what this main question was. But we were talking about the process. The process of that. Oh, when they come to me, that's right. Okay, good. Yep. So we start working on all of these things, right? The nervous system first, first, first layer, they have to feel grounded. And we do that through breath practice. We do that through tapping. We do that through. I have some anxiety exercises. I get, in fact, the client before this podcast, I gave her the 54321 exercise, which you guys may be familiar with for anxiety or panic attacks. Five things I can see, four things I can hear, three things I can taste and smell. And you do that so that you become present in the moment and get out of your head. Because usually anxiety and panic is from past or future. It's not from present usually. So we ground the nervous system and make sure they feel good in their body again. I make sure they get back in their body. Then we start working on the mind and the heart. And that's the process. And that was the process that this guy, he's been with me for over a year now. And he even set me his 29 year old sons. And now I'm coaching his son because he's like, you changed my life. Here's my kid to help him. But so the point is, is that when those things start to get regulated again, that's how he was able to feel himself again. We had to work on his mindset. He had a divorce. We had to go through that and work through the pain of that and his vision of what he always thought life would be. He never thought he could be alone. Now he's like, I don't know if I want to date again. I love my peace. I love my flow. I love myself love. I want him to mess that up. And so that's what happens when people finally feel what it feels like to be good alone. With God, with faith, with source, but good in your own skin. So for the person out there who doesn't even know that their system is off because of their nervous system, I recently had an EEG and it showed my brain and, you know, thankfully, very healthy brain, but executive function that never shuts down. And unless I had the EEG done, I mean, I know that my mind is always going, but it kind of made me stop. So the person out there who's not getting an EEG, what's happening that their body is off that connects back to their nervous system that they don't even realize it? Well, I mean, it has different ways it shows up, right? So it might show up in, you can't sit still. Like you sit still and you have to grab your phone right away. You sit still and you have to turn on the TV. You sit still and you got to be on the phone talking to somebody. Like that's a sign of you can't sit still and just be. You go to try to meditate. You can never shut off your thoughts. You can't even do it. You can't even last a minute. You can't last 30 seconds. Most people can't, anyways. Just let's be fair. But when you have less of a crazy mind going, thoughts going all the time, all the time, all the time, most people can drop in at least for a couple of minutes. But when you know that you're always overthinking and always ruminating or always going, going, going, any of those things where someone might challenge you and go, I dare you to sit for two minutes with nothing. I do this. Oh, this would be a good practice for someone to test themselves. May I share it with you guys? It's a three minute practice. I call it "present-sing." And I made this one up recently because I realized that a lot of clients can't meditate when I say, just do 10 minutes of breath and quiet the mind, they all struggle. So I came up with "present-sing." And what "present-sing" is, is it's one minute where you close your eyes and only listen to sounds you hear around you. So closing eyes on purpose, to only listen. And you may be in a room you're always in, but you never listen to the hum of the fridge. You never heard the bird chirping out there. You didn't hear how the fire sounded while the gas is on. It's all these little things. So one minute you do that. Then immediately you put something in your ears like headphones that have noise canceling. So you want to now not hear. You open your eyes and you only look. And so you're acknowledging, oh, I never noticed that. Spon-up on the room. Oh, I need to dust there. Oh, my God. I thought it was blue this whole time. So you're seeing, right? In the last minute you open eyes, grab a pen and paper because now we're going to bring the pen, the writing which turns on all kinds of neural pathways in the brain. There's so much science. Why pen to paper is so useful. I use it in my coaching all the time. And so now we grab the pen and we write what we heard and what we saw that shocked us, that we never even recognized before. And we do that for a minute. And now we've just gone completely present. They're not out there thinking about people or things we're trying to imagine what we're going to eat. We're just we're completely present. And that's a three minute practice. And who doesn't have three minutes to test that? And in that practice, you get to notice things that holy shit, I never saw that before. Why did I never hear that there's birds outside every morning? And I never pause long enough to hear them? That's crazy. Right? So yeah, so I love that little practice. Yeah. And it's easy. You could do it anywhere. I have a client I gave it to a year ago. And she's like, I still use Presency and I do it all the time now. And people are staring at me sometimes. They think I'm weird. I don't care. I'll be in the middle of the airport and I start doing it. I close my eyes and put my hands in my ears. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you go, girl. Well, you look amazing. No one would even believe that you were in your 50s. For you about in your 60s. Thank you. I was going to say, what was it? I'm not in my 50s. I'm sure you do a lot of these practices every day. What else are you doing to really optimize yourself and reverse age in this season? Thank you for that question. I love that question because it's a lot of things because I get it. People ask me that a lot in my community. They're like, how do you look? Obviously, some people have filters. There's things I do Botox. I'm really honest about all the things I use. I do Botox. I just did a really cool laser. I've never done a facelift. I've never done anything surgery or anything, but the general injectables I've done. That's why I think I've held on to aging well. And I'm Italian and Danish. Okay, so there's that. Let's think all of that out of the equation. But the real truth of what I think I've done that I notice sometimes other people aren't doing is I have processed my emotions for the last 15, 20 years. Well, I started when I was 30 and I'm 62, but I fell off a little bit along the way and then I got back on really strongly in the last 15 to 20 years where I really am diligent about processing what I feel. so that I'm not wearing it on my face and my body. Because you guys know, you probably have a friend that's always stressed or always sad or always grumpy. And how do they look? I mean, they're usually hunched over their face's drawn. You can see the emotion on their face. And so the minute though that something great happens or they change or they meet someone new and then they get excited again, don't you go, "Oh my God, what'd you do?" They didn't do anything. They just dealt with their feelings and their feelings changed, right? So one thing is just dealing with emotion, stop stuffing them. Because you will wear them somewhere. You'll either wear them in your belly to where you always have indigestion, you're uncomfortable when you eat. You'll wear them on your face, you wear them in your posture. When I'm depressed and sad and always the glasses half empty is set of half full. Same bottle, it's half full. That's what I look at it. And so you could feel their energy in their posture on their face. So that's one reason people are aging so fast. Obviously the ones you guys talk about probably a lot, working out move. I move my body every single day. People that say, "Oh, you're supposed to take rest days." I'm sorry, we weren't really made to rest. We were made to move. We came from cavemen chasing food, foraging. And then we're not. unless I'm a bodybuilder and I want to build muscle and mass or I'm training for performance and I'm an Olympic athlete, then rest days are appropriate. But for the average human who sits at a desk all day like this, we all need to be moving way more. And moving when I say, "Do something every bit." This means you're pounding hard in the gym. That could be a light. not light. I like brisk walks. I think we're all. when we say, "I walk every day." I'm like, "Yeah, you're walking. You're dog. You're stopping every two seconds. It's really slow. You're not breaking a sweat. Your heart rate hasn't moved." I say, "So we definitely need to be doing brisk walks or a hike." Or, you know, I go to the beach and run barefoot and the sand every day is offered as I can. I work out in the gym. I jump rope. This morning I was jumping rope to Eminem. I mean, with the. I'm 62 jumping to Eminem. I don't know what's wrong with me. But there I was. I. I box. And so I think there's so many ways to move up yoga, gentle stuff too. So it's not just aggressive stuff like boxing and jump rope. But like. and by the way, jump rope, even if you don't jump rope, just the act of faux-roping. There's a practice called faux-roping. It's so good for any of us over 50. Because that side to side shuffle where we're doing weight bearing without having to be lifting weights. There's science now that proved even the side to side like hop like that is great for our joints and protecting your insostioprosis. And so if people are like, "I don't like to lift weights." Well, like, grab a jump rope. If you can't rope because you keep tripping, then just fake rope. Pretend like you're roping. Jump up and down. And bounce. Walk with a weight vest, which is another thing I do. I go to the sand with my weight vest on. So working out, eating clean, limiting alcohol, limiting drugs. Like if some people, "I smoke potter, I'm gonna ride with it." Okay, fine. But just don't go crazy. Like you did in your 20s. Right? And if we start paying attention to the basics, those are all the basic things. We don't need to be worrying about like biohacking and all that good. We just would do the basics first and stop relying on all the other things that there are that we could do. Start there. And see if you don't look five or ten years younger just from doing a regular practice of the basics. And starting with managing your nervous system and your emotions. Oh, no, I'm right there with you. I got my weight vest. I got my mini trampoline, my jump rope. I do a lot of stuff. I walk a slider on the lake every day. Why aren't you in the day of the morning? I said a couple of things out. I know all the things. I'm a high speed double under jump rope guy. Two terminus kids, bone on bone knees, but still hit it out. Okay, out. Yeah. But you know, I do it every morning. That's right. So you get it, right? And your opening is one of my favorite things. It's such a good fly by just kind of love it. And a researcher nervous system. Yeah. Something about bouncing that little bounce that what it does to the brain and the nervous system. There's so much science now about it actually. So I love mountain biking because you're just going to the downhill. Yeah, you kind of bump it over things. Yeah. Yeah. And I always say anytime that we can add nature into our stuff, whether it's mountain biking or even I jump rope with the beach sometimes. I'll take it and I'll go on a lifeguard stand or I'll go on a rocks that overlook the water. I'll jump in the sand and the hard sand sometimes. And for me, like anytime we're adding, you know, we're compounding the effect because now we've got some on our face. We've got the light in our eyes. We're seeing things outside of our boxes. We're seeing other things to stimulate our mind. And we're feeling nature. We're grounding basically for touching sand or grass or dirt. And so there's so many benefits to the way we can move if we think about like how can I optimize this? Ah, let me take my jump rope to the beach. Let me get on my mountain bike instead of stay on the peloton inside. Let me tt tt tt. Right? So it's, I think it's optimizing what we're going to do. And I think that's important. Do you do anything with eyes closed or nervous system resetting? I don't, but that's great. But not for nervous system reset. Well, eyes closed when I ask them to meditate and breathe with me. Yeah. And I also, well, I also do the haxic off. I just did it with the client the other day. Revisioning and reframing reframing and revisioning where we'll put in movie rewiring. So we'll play movies that are from old trauma or pain or really sad event that happened. And we'll turn it into with our eyes closed and getting grounded first the breath and we'll turn it into a movie that we then sure it's an LP practice. We shrink it. We take all the color out of it. We move it way away from the screen. We put on the big screen that we shrink it. We, and we give it a funny sound if it had a sound soundtrack to it. Like if it was people fighting or someone yelling at you, we make, we give them funny voices. Like, well, imagine that that person yelling at you was like a clown. Like a Ronald McDonald clown and he just sucked helium. Like what would that voice be? And we said, we make it really funny and crazy and we make, then we take all that we drain the color out of it. And then we have them play that over. Like, what if it had happened like that? Would you be crying right now or laughing your ass off? If they were in the clown suit with like clown voice on and big crazy smile like, and so it immediately shrinks their attachment to that meaning they had given it, which is a really great package with three clients that I'm thinking of right now where it profoundly changed their relationship with that story. They used to play. They used to have them gutted. And now they, one client said to me, she goes, I can't even think about that aunt who had that, I had that big fight with anymore without laughing my ass off. And what you called me, she was a historically crying. She's like, oh my God, my hand, I slowed down time. What happened? I'm like, okay, let's do an LPs thing. Let's do it. You ready? She's like, okay, I'll do anything. And back then, she was laughing hysterically. And then since then a year later, she says, whatever I think of that story, I just laugh. Because our brain doesn't know if it's real or if we just told it that it's real, because we just rewrote it a little bit. No, fantastic coaching. So, so frasco, I was thinking about your client who's all happy with a single life now. And let's say he does start to date someone again and there's a triggering moment. Oh, he did. He did. Oh my God. So, let me share this. He loves, he wouldn't mind me sharing. I won't say his name, but he loves me sharing how great, how much progress he's made. He was really happy being single, but then a friend introduced him to this woman and they collect. They hit it off so amazingly. The woman is more of a party. You're so nice to go out and do things and hang out and have it very social. She wanted him to go out almost every night of the week and he has a successful business and he runs his company and his son works there and all the good big teamy that he, you know, he's employing. And so he is very responsible about showing up without being hung over anything and she has a different kind of life. So for her, you know, she likes to drink and he's like, I don't, I can't do that during the week. So he started noticing that her wanting to pull him away from what had grounded him, which is his peace in his home, is staying on his routine, getting up and working out, which I helped him kind of recreate that routine again. He said he started to resent her and the time together, he said, I just want my peace and flow. He goes, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to break up with her because it's too much for me. I want my time. I need my me time now. I need never could envision that before. So I said, well, what if you present to her in a really loving way that your lifestyles are matching right now, but that doesn't mean you're not a match? And what if you share with her what it could look like if you were to tailor to pull back a little bit like, maybe you guys only go out Tuesday nights together and then you spend the weekend together. And she can go out every night of the week, whatever she wants, but you're going to stay home and ground and do your thing. And he's like, wow, never thought about doing that. I don't even know how to set a boundary like because that's a boundary. And I'm like, and he's like, I'm going to try it. I want to try it. And he did. And he asked for it. And she was really gracious. She didn't get defensive. She's actually a really cool woman. I think they might make it. But she was really responsive. She was sweet about it. She didn't beat him up and go, what's wrong with you? You're a boring. She didn't do any of that, which most people do. And she gave him space. And so now they see each other once or twice a week. And it's where they're still together. And this was like six months ago. He's like, it's great. I talked to him a couple of days ago. He's like, it's so good. And he still has his peace and his flow. You're such a fantastic coach. Yeah, there's so many practical things. And one of the things that's standing out is I could tell that you make people feel safe. You get them to a place where. There's safety. Yeah, absolutely. And there's a ripple effect on that. When you feel safe, it impacts. And I got that from my coach that I met 32 years ago, who made me feel safe for the first time in my life. And when she showed me what that felt like, I'm like, I am giving this to everybody I ever work with going forward. I will never allow someone to feel unsafe if I have a-- can have a effect on it. I'm going to do my best. And that's-- I studied and I worked on me so that I could be a better coach. Because none of those fight, fight, fallon, free-- I mean, none of them are healthy. They're all-- I need to survive. And then the other things like the people pleasing, they're all just different survival modes of, I'm trying to feel loved. I'm trying to feel safe. Oh, it always all comes back to that. Because I just-- at our base, at our core, we just want to be loved and feel safe. I'd love if you could do maybe a little bit more on boundaries as we're wrapping up just so people can have even something more practical that might right away change their life. Yeah, I always thank you for that. Because it's one of my favorite topics to talk about that we're also-- boundaries have such a bad rap because the minute you say people talk about it, and you're like, oh, you're a control freak or you're a-- asshole. Like, they have all these words, right? Like, if you want to set a boundary, you're immediately the bad guy. And boundaries aren't really bad. They're not meant to be barriers. They're meant to be bridges to allow the right people in. And so if someone looks at your boundary as a barrier, then they're not the right person, firstly. And if the right people see them as a bridge, so this is how we can love each other better and connect healthier and spend space and time, and it'd be good for both of us if this works better. I'm across that bridge. And so quickly, we can also find out who is our friends and who are our foes, right? Like, the friends will say, yeah, let's cross that bridge. But here's one caveat, too, is like sometimes we're putting up boundaries and making them true walls or barriers and not really boundaries. Barriers are from-- like, when someone makes it a barrier, it's coming from an unhealed wound and trauma, and they don't feel safe so they put a hard boundary, because they're a barrier, because they're afraid that someone's going to hurt them again. It's not from a healthy place. So there is a distinct difference in the type of boundary that's being set where it's coming from, because that would be the energy that they'll create it from. So if someone is really wounded and really scared and protecting and is afraid of intimacy, it doesn't want to be vulnerable, again, they'll put up a barrier. And you can feel it, even in the way they say it, the way they pull back, the way they go. This is my boundary. That's it. If you cross it, you're out. Now someone who is healthy and clean and says, you know, I haven't looked at my well-being and my mental health and, ooh, I know when I am off. I so know when I'm off. And I've been assessing what are the things that throw me off. And so I'm trying to clean up the things around me in my life. And one of the things I'm doing is being really thoughtful about places where I'm leaking my energy. And so I'm starting to sit boundaries. And I would love to, if you're open to it, share with you what this new boundary that I'm going to ask us to share, what it would be like. And would you be open to that? So that's the first thing is how you present it. It could come from a really healthy place. But most people are so afraid of a boundary and afraid of setting it that they immediately go into harsh. And so then the boundary comes off harsh. And then that makes the other person defensive or cast out. Or they think it is a barrier, not a bridge. So the presentation matters where you're coming from, what your goal is when you present it, I think, is important. What are you really trying to protect? And is it peace? Is it mental health? Is it mental well-being? Is it your space, time, and energy? And then be really clear on that. And then it all starts with how you present it. I use an acronym called Flow for Healthy Communication in general. And I always say that first you have to feel flow strength for, you know, F is feel the feeling, right? Feel it first. So what is it that I'm feeling? Like, am I scared right now? Am I angry right now? Am I feeling needy? Like, feel the feeling. And then share the feeling from, this is what I'm feeling right now. You didn't make me, but this is how I'm feeling. This is how I'm feeling in this energy, in this dialogue. And then we listen. So we share it. They would listen for their answer. Listen with our heart and our ears, but not our triggers. Not our triggers. I heard that from someone. So beautiful. Listen with our ears and our heart and not our triggers, right? So because if they get defensive right away, they're probably listening from a trigger. So then listen. And then the O is remain open. No matter what their response is, just remain open. Let it let it be. Let it let it let it land. And then the W is witness what is said next. Witness how you want to respond. Witness how they respond back when you say, OK, I hear that. And so that's kind of-- if you just flow with the conversation and follow those four, that's a start, just healthy conversation in general, which is the basis for being comfortable with someone saying, I need to set a boundary. Because if you don't have a good communication to begin with, you will never be able to set a boundary with anybody. So first, you have to have healthy communication. And then we can work on, OK, where do those boundaries need to go with who wins a good time? Just set it in the right time. Don't try to pick a busy mall where you're walking and moving fast. And you're like, I'm going to set a boundary with you, by the way. And it's loud. And no, it's a container that's protected when you set a boundary. Let me throw a wrench in this. What does somebody do when they're with a narcissist? And they're making attempts to set boundaries. And they're having a difficult time. This is such a-- yeah, you just can't. You can try. You can attempt. You can-- I was with one. So I know you cannot set a boundary with a narcissist. They will defend. They will deflect. They will make it all about you. They will say, what's wrong with you? You're the one that's-- they'll turn it back on you. The discard, they'll do. All the things they do, right, where they put everything that you're trying to say to them and make it be like, you're wounded. What's wrong with you, the immediate boundary? I'm not doing anything wrong. It's almost futile to attempt it with a narcissist. So what should a person do in that case? I mean, obviously, everything I see is that they just need to pull away and get away. But if that's not the case, let's say it's a parent. They got to deal with a walk of do mom or a walk of do dad that is totally narcissistic. They're making attempts. If they grant higher enough their kids, or it's a work related, it's hard as balls, no doubt. Use the language there, but-- What would I-- so I always say that protect it, make sure you're safe, like get out of harm's way, like make sure there's no violence, safe not just from physical, but from verbal and emotional abuse as well. So just because-- and I have a video that, you know, and you guys may disagree with this, but just because somebody is your blood does not mean they owe you-- you owe them time, space, and energy. If they are disrespectful, if they are unkind, if they don't honor your boundaries, if they-- if you've tried to repair and up level that relationship time and time again, and they still will not elevate to that place where you need it to be for your own mental well-being, I do say that you would need to remove yourself from that relationship. Now, obviously, it's really hard when it's-- especially faith-based people, like God's head, you know, honor thy mother and father. But when-- when parents are abusing someone, just because their blood does not mean you have to stay. This is my belief as a coach. This is the way I coach my clients, because you have-- you could try. You have to try. You don't walk away without making attempts at repair. Try everything you can. You suggest therapy. You try bringing in other people that might make them feel safe or grounded or open more open. But if at the end of the day, they can't, and they won't, you have to protect your peace and energy and well-being. The peace is the most important thing to you. I was watching Dr. Phil the other day, a video on this topic, and he was like, I've been out there. You can't fix them. Yeah. You can't fix them. Just get away. It's the only thing that's going to fix it. So-- Yeah. I'm just talking about-- --my Dr. Phil accent. Yeah, that's pretty good. That was pretty good. I was picturing him. I mean, I was-- Yeah, and it's sad, too. But they have to fix them. And their wound is, you know, lack of self-worth at the end of the day. We think that narcissists are so bold and ego and everything. No, it's like, because they were just a wounded little kid that never got love. And now they go the other extreme. The position of conditional love, not unconditional love. And they were always trying to please a parent that they could never please. And then that became their default worship method, or for a lack of a better word, where people need to be coerced, manipulate it, or their own personal-- Yeah, that's why you talk about it. They're supply, right? They need their supply, yeah. And it's sad. But look, there are billions of people on the planet. If there's a few narcissists that are in your sphere go find some other people that are kinder and sweeter and want to elevate, just go find some other humans. So-- I am a firm believer that God puts people in my life at the right times for the right moments here. Right. And I believe today, you are here today, Rebecca. I have a little bit of a bit. I don't want to get into on here and I'm always transparent on our podcast with all things. But I do believe Kelly came into my life to get God in my life and I believe you were here today for a special reason. And I'm so thankful and grateful for you. I hope our audience gets a heck of a lot of that disk. Thank you. I certainly did. You are the. You were. Right, Kelly? I'm just like ready to go out there and start knocking things out here, man. But I'll be like, "Joke rope on a damn beat. I don't know. I'm not doing that. No way. Okay, I got too bad knees. I'm going to be. You guys are good. You are so darn inspiring and I'm not willing to smoke up your bunk. I feel. I take that. I thank you. You definitely walked the walk, talked to talk. You definitely took your mess and turned it into a message and you inspire others and you have fun doing it. Thank you. Yeah, I tried to. I tried to make it. That's why I got all my props and shit. You know, I want to steal some of your prompt ideas. I got some diet. Like you guys just out there rolling your dice. Okay, what's the dice for? You guys like, you know, we're playing with fire rolling the dice every time you're. Oh, okay. With a narcissist actually, I'll use this one of. Like every time you're engaged. You got all this shit. Like, at the top here, okay. Yeah, I got all kinds of stuff. You have. I love it. It was fun. We want people to follow you, find you, the sore collective. Tell people where they can go and see what you have. Beautiful. So, Instagram, I always say, "I'm not hard to find. Just Google my name. You can find me." But Instagram is my main platform. I am opening something called the sore collective in April. And it'll be a $47 monthly membership where I'll coach twice a month. I'll do hot seat coaching, Q&As, and a topic every month inside that membership. So, you'll get to sort of be with me, learning from me, and maybe get, you know, one-to-one coaching with me in the container. So, that'll be cool. And then, you know, you can work privately with me as well. I'm a one-to-one coach for relationships and life stuff. And you can find me there on Instagram. You can even book a call, a free call to explore it. Wow. Right there. So, it's Rebecca K-O-R-D-E-C-K-I if you're listening. O-C-K-I. C-K-R-N-Y. The breath.zone. Yeah, the breath.zone. If they want to learn more about the way I've taught breath, I used to teach teachers. How to teach breath. Breathwork. So, I certify other teachers. So, that's something I still do if someone's interested in learning to become a breathwork coach. Okay. And I do events. Yeah, so. Awesome. So, we're collective. Rebecca K-O-R-D-C-E. We so appreciate you. And this has been a fantastic, really aligned, fully alive episode. We know it's going to be impactful. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. You know, I've just had a couple things, and we'll wrap this up. In tuition. If you're here today, listening to this or watching this podcast, I always say that intuition got you here. Pay attention to your darn intuition. Go all this beautiful smart lady. Go get your life in order to have people that can help you. She's definitely one of them that walks the walk, talks to talk. And we're so grateful you're on the show today. Outside of that, that is a wrap. Hopefully everybody got something out of this. You could apply to your life and live a healthier lifestyle. We will see you all in the next episode. Bye-bye now. Bye everybody.