The TED Rumors are True... | Harry Miller

You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. Done. No hassle, no negotiation, no guy from an online listing lowballing you. Which means by the time I'm done explaining this, you could have basically done it. Still haven't started? Hey, better late than never. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Hey guys, if you're not following me on Spotify, please hit that follow button and leave a five-star review. They're both a huge, huge help. Thank you. Cool. So when Deef sent me this, I went and took a look at your Instagram and it's kind of funny in the sense that I used to be so on it with college football and everything. I was such a huge fan. And then when I started doing, when I like got out and got a job and then especially when I started doing this like full-time, there's some things like whether it be college football, even like other sports like basketball. I used to watch all the time, the NBA, like I never have time to watch this stuff. So in some ways, like the last six, seven years is a bit of a blur to where it's like, I can't remember who the best players were, who won the Heisman, who was winning the national titles. But this is when you were a major heralded recruit and playing at the Ohio State University, which is extremely impressive. Was it, was it Urban Meyer who recruited you? He recruited me. Yeah, he recruited me. And then switched the head coach position, switched to Coach Day. As I was my senior year. So I was actually one of the first, I signed in December of 2018. And that was like Coach Day's first, I guess, early recruiting period, early recruiting class. But Coach Day was my, he was my first call from, from Ohio State. And he called me after I, yeah, he called me, he was the OC at the time. And then that just began sort of my recruiting process. But yeah, I played from Buford, Georgia, played at Buford, which I think they're running to number one now nationally in terms of just like. High school ball. But ended up being, you know, the number one ranked center, highly recruited, offered by a lot of places, and decided on Ohio State and then went there. And then, yeah, so I guess, and so years of, yeah. Yeah, we'll get into the story, but real quick before we do that, was football something that you were great at and loved or just great at and didn't love? What was your relationship with the game? I think for a period it was the same time. I think like. Like, fascination followed the form and like from a young age, I was just, I was bigger than the rest of the kids. And so football made absolute sense. And I had a lot of talent and I was able to express myself very well in football from second grade. I started playing and then. Express yourself. Yeah, I was just, I was just, I was bigger. I was physical and I played well. And so it made sense to keep playing. I played other sports. I played like lacrosse and baseball growing up. But football was. I, you know, was able to like be semi-professional at it, to play well and ended up, yeah, getting to high school and getting recruited by. So like my top five were Ohio State, Stanford, Clemson, Notre Dame, Georgia, among others. Like, you know, everybody was sort of like vying for that. Programs right there. Right. Jesus Christ. And then, yeah, so got recruited. And so like, yeah, out of Ohio State, I was, you know, I was the number one ranked center in the country, but also I was like, I was the valedictorian at Beaufort High School. And so. You're the valedictorian over there? Class of 2019, Beaufort Wolves. No. Yep. Yeah. I knew you were a genius, but damn. No, that's, that's like, I feel strange even right now talking about high school. Makes me feel very. Why? Hey guys, three quick things. Number one, if you haven't subscribed, please subscribe. It's a huge, huge help. Number two, if you'd like to join my Patreon for early uncensored releases of the full episodes, you can join via the link in my description or in the pinned comment below. And number three. If you'd like to join my clipping community for a chance to make content from the show and make money, you can join via the discord link in my description below. I just feel well, especially well now it's like I feel very far removed. Well, I think in totality, um, 18, up until 18, I was, I was my adolescent self and then college, especially, especially in a different state is a, is a step. Um, it's a departure and. And I've written, I've actually, um, a lot of the stuff I'd be like saying today about this, I wrote in a, in a memoir, like last winter, um, I wrote like this, like 200,000 word memoir in about two months and. Two months. Yeah. So I was like, I was just jotting out words and just lots of coffee and lots of just like, I was just writing in my room while it was cold out, um, which really helped me process some stuff. But you know, the, the formula. That any successful college football program emulates is really of sort of is, is a cult in which you remove, you take children. It's the same thing as the Manson children. You take children from a different state, bring them to an exotic location, you know, mantras, team colors, um, bonding through suffering, lots of things that just help you sort of, um, fulfill, fill, fill yourself into this new identity, this new role. And, uh, yeah, I was, I was all in. And, uh, went to Ohio state and like really, really, really, um, blood, sweat and tears, literally into the program and, um, had success there. And then, and then, yeah, I guess it just sort of, I'll explain just sort of like how all that shook out, but, um, highly recruited football player went to Ohio state, uh, was a, was a backup my freshman year behind. So that was 2019. We won the big 10 championship and then lost in the Fiesta bowl to Clemson that year. And. Um, I was the backup then COVID hit and that off season. And then ultimately that COVID season I was playing, I was the starting, I was the starting left guard, um, as a sophomore. And that was sort of COVID paired with starting college football was a real, it was like, it was very sort of MK ultra. It was very, there was no external human contact to sort of like ground yourself or like neutralize the. What? We were. In, which was like high stakes, high stress, college football. It was like, it was like, it was very Truman showy, in which case like football's a production, like football's a huge cameras interviews. There's this it's reality television, um, with these like outlets on the weekend. And it was just very strange for, for months where, you know, really the only human contact I was getting was physical human violence in context of the game, um, being yelled at in meetings and coached in which case. It's like the meetings meetings being a euphemism for like sort of staring at a projector screen of your, of your fuck ups and like replaying them. And then it's just, so it becomes really heady. It becomes very repetitive. Um, and so over the course of that COVID season, you know, I really, my, my mental health diminished. Um, yeah, just cause it was such a strange time and you were still, like you said, a part of this whole production that's going on, all the rules they had to have for you guys that first year had to be nuts. Right? Like you couldn't even, you'd go to a meeting, you got to be masked up the whole time. I imagine like, just walk me in there. What did that, what did everything look like? So that was 2020. So, I mean, so at first I was in Nicaragua, um, when the school was closed. So I've got family friends in Nicaragua, um, who, who I'll like, I'll leave their name out of it just for like, for their safety, but they run, um, programs down there and, uh, fantastic people. And I've been going there since a young age. And so I was in Nicaragua. I was in Nicaragua with a friend of mine doing, just doing some, like fixing up the school, doing some stuff like that. Uh, school got canceled. We got notification that school was being closed because of COVID. So this would have been maybe like last week of March, sometime in March. Um, and so rather than flying back to Ohio, flew back to Georgia and we spent about probably a month, two months remote at home, um, essentially doing nothing, just sort of treading water as we like, wait to hear what's happening. We're able to report back to campus and campus is essentially dead. So for that whole sort of 2020 season, classes are remote and classes are remote, but football is doing football. And so it was very, it was, it was a ghost town in terms of, in terms of campus really was only student athletes. It was a really big, like essentially just college was just athletics as we were moving through that very limited, um, in person capacity. And yeah, I mean, it was sort of like, and as, as you remember, just sort of the. The hysterics, the confusion, there was a point where we were trying to like play football with gators across our face and like guys are essentially like waterboarding themselves with sweat and perspiration and like, so that what across gators. So like gators are like, just like those, you could wear it around your neck and then pull it up. Um, shy C's. Yeah. Like shy C's got a few in the back. They were trying to put like glass, glass over the mask. They were trying to last like, like plexi, like not like just like, yeah, they were trying, they were just throwing everything at the wall. Um, were you guys just talking like this is so fucking. Yeah, we all, I mean, yeah, we all knew that it was pretty stupid. I think the big 10 was, um, probably the strictest because I don't think the sec ever got close to canceling their season for a time. We did cancel our season. And then I guess everybody at the big 10 saw that the sec was still going and playing games and making their money and doing everything they had to do. And so then it's like, well, of course, well now let's, we can play ball now. And so we played ball. But then now. While we're playing, stadiums empty but with cardboard cutouts of fans to look full is that weird so now you can hear like you can hear the opposite sideline talking while you're talking and then you're having to like simulate artificial crowd noise um oh they were doing that too yeah so it was like so like we had an away game in penn state and uh beaver stadium um and what would have been a whiteout was just cardboard cutouts and then and then fake static coming from the from the pa system um and so it was just very it was just very bizarro world upside down and uh yeah we were i was playing ball and i was starting my sophomore year um and it was and that's an extremely i mean that's why it's called the sophomore slump like it's very hard to go from a freshman uh backup who comes in during trash time like i played with the i played with the transfer from west virginia named chris chuganoff who was like very he was very like um blue mountain state like just super lovable and like a real like an elder for me as a young guy and um he was he so he was a fifth year from west virginia i was a freshman you know do good from buford center he was the quarterback um and so we would do cq exchange he was the backup quarterback and we would call it the graveyard shift because like everybody would leave the and we were just like closing out the fourth quarter running zone left zone right um ground game just like trying to burn the clock out as we were up 40 points or whatever and then so to go sophomore season there's like no fans i didn't really have a spring season because the spring ball had been canceled because of um covid and i felt very behind in terms of like i just felt very unconfident as a player and i really i really i played that entire sophomore season and i really feel um i really didn't feel like i was playing football i think that's and i think play is a very important verb because you know in high school um it's very easy you know being more gifted as a football player to just like beat up on kids and you feel like you feel like just cock of the walk it's just you feel so powerful you feel like a demigod and of course the talent equates when you get to college football and um you know that's when like savvy and skill and game iq and all and i was still i was still so young i still had so many things to learn and i was always as a perfectionist as a valedictorian as a as a as a kid who took these things very seriously too seriously i would say really i um i just really got in my head about it and that whole season i just felt very uh dejected that whole time and that's when it really the cracks started to form and in my relationship with football in my relationship with myself and it really wasn't until we played the 2020 big 10 championship against north western and um we ended up just having to run the ball a bunch and our running back trey sermon i think had a record-breaking like ground game in terms of rushing yards and that was just that really felt like just football again to me for the first time it's no secret the studies are finding microplastics in blood brain heart lungs and in men's reproductive organs i've started to make some big changes over the past couple years in reducing the plastics i use whether that's in the cups i drink you see i don't have any plastic red solo cups anymore or in my daily water bottle which i got rid of any plastic i was using there as well but there's one place even i haven't thought to look my clothes that's why i started wearing underdogs hemp blank tees underdogs blank tees are made with their patent-pending dura flow fabric it's 51 hemp for durability 31 bamboo for breathability and 18 organic cotton for comfort zero polyester zero pfas just natural fibers built to last believe it or not the government banned hemp in 1937 we've talked about that before for decades the clothing industry replaced it with plastic polyester now underdog is brought back one of nature's 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and tell them i sent you um that was 2020. were you able to make like get a lot of friends outside of your home like to play in football and the reason i asked that is because what i think a lot of people don't understand is you guys in d1 football have a depending on the program a 60 to 80 hour a week job yeah no i mean i i did i don't think and i think in the case of most college football players i'm probably not the rule i studied engineering at ohio state and so i had a pretty rigorous academic schedule outside of football which made me if you especially in engineering if you don't develop a competent friend group um who you can like float homework back and forth and like compare answers and like work together like you'll get just absolutely just creamed if you're if you're not ready so i had a really close friend group just because my academics were so rigorous um but you feel like you're being pulled away from things though well i described it it's really sort of like it's any sort of like heroic double personality where it's like if if peter parker and spider-man if peter parker doesn't show up to the spelling bee because spider-man had to save orphans from a war or vice versa peter parker's got debate and so spider-man misses like an old lady getting crushed by the subway like either way he's he is receiving the brunt of some sort of responsibility that he can't control um there's just not enough of him to go around um it was a very demanding schedule for but for me like i was able to i kept a 4.0 in engineering and i was a roads finalist as while i played ohio state football you had a 4.0 in fucking engineering while you're playing at ohio state university football full-time yeah that's there's a bit of a complex story well now we'll get a complex complex story okay well i've been wanting to talk about this for a long time it's it's funny now in retrospect but when i was like an anal nerd it was really important to me um but so 2020 wraps up i end up getting covid um and now you want to talk about sort of like the asinine inaneness of the policies we were eventually getting so we were probably pcr testing twice a day near the end of the season so we're getting like these these swabs up the nose i remember those very frequently and um it was you know i don't know if this was ever confirmed or not but the talk in the college football world was that some programs in the sec had intentionally like um inoculated themselves to cope they'd all gotten coveted early in the season because you would have immunity shortly after and so the the rumor that you would the logic that was that yeah the logic was like fucking 11 times well i i think if you got the policy was if you got it you wouldn't be tested again for however long however period of time and so the theory the theory was that some programs were like getting kids sick early to miss non-essential games we ended up getting hit right before the national championship i got it over new year's and christmas um and we ended up just getting sort of like picked at near the end of the year um and what was crazy was we were eventually you would realize that like a guy would get it and his roommate or his friend would test positive like four days later so there's this weird lag through proximity where you knew if a guy got it that the next guy if he hadn't gotten it yet would be getting it in four days and so it was so funny was before the big 10 championship um one of my best friends tested positive for covet and i knew by the logic i i had covet but i wouldn't test positive so when they'd test me i tested negative played in the big 10 championship the next day so it would have been a saturday the next day on a sunday we're doing our meetings and we're doing our recovery lifts and all that stuff i test positive and get set home and so like even in that sort of like lowered trust and the sort of like infrastructure we had going on but we were playing catch up that whole year um and uh so i ended up testing positive covet over christmas and i guess part of new year's yeah so i watched the fiesta bowl from my home that we won um and i was like oh my god um and then we played in the national championship against alabama i was a backup in that case because i was coming off of covet i don't think i had any full pad practices before the national championship but through injury because of injuries i ended up going in in the fourth quarter also maybe 10 000 capacity um mostly cardboard cutouts and i ended up dislocating my shoulder against alabama which one left shoulder tore my labrum got that repaired and um me both pal yeah so you got like a letter j is that a letter j yeah two 360s over there for for why did you get yours labrums and then they got the labrum was completely torn 360 but what were you doing so i tore it when i was like a kid and didn't know it okay always bother me when i played basketball someone hit me like that yeah it would bother me so i finally got it checked when i was like 20 and they're like well you know you can get it fixed i'm like ah we'll let it ride and then i dislocated it went down here well right and then it just starts like dropping out right like oh yeah i dislocated 15 times before i got the first surgery yeah it's nasty mine was just unfortunately on the posterior side so i think like my arm got sort of pulled across body on a block and it and it hurt bad um got a repair And then hence, now that we're talking about the 4.0, I was like, this is a bit like, this is going to sound like incoherent. I took my grades very seriously. I read my syllabus thoroughly. And like in the physics class before, there was a thing about like citing work or whatever. Long story short, I'm coming off this labrum surgery. I'm still on like however many oxys of like coming out of the surgery. But I wasn't like, I wasn't missing school. I was still taking my quizzes. On oxy. Yeah. And this was, and so I was now in statics. So this was like statics 2010. And so this was just like intro stuff. And long story short, because I cited a piece of work in a way that was like I wasn't supposed to on a quiz, this led to a whole sort of like COAM, academic misconduct thing, where they essentially, I finished with like a 100 in the class or like a 90, whatever, 98, 99, whatever. But they gave me like a, they demerited me and sort of killed my, so my, it's not a 4.0, it's a 3.997 GPA. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Which rounds up. I know. Which rounds up when you just do two digits, two significant figures. But that's, that, now, this, then. They really hit you for the oxys citation. That's kind of fucked up. Well, that's what I'm saying. Well, I never even got a day in court where sort of this set me on the path of like, I felt like John Rambo. I felt like, I felt like I had just received a surgery. I was, I said blood, sweat, and tears. Blood, sweat, tears. They drew first blood. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And I was like, that's what really sort of like broke my illusion of the sort of like, what's going on here. That broke your illusion. That broke my illusion. A little citation. You know, and. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about Eblis? Eblis. Lubricizumab LBKZ. A 250 milligram. Per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. Eblis can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to Eblis. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems, you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Eblis. Before starting Eblis, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Eblis and visit Eblis.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners, sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra, Palmolive's most powerful formula. Removes up to 99.9% of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier. So you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at Palmolive.com. So yeah, so then, so that's sophomore, I recover. So now I've started my sophomore year. I ended up being a third team All-Big Ten. So I got like an accolade. But I really, at that point, like sort of hated myself. I hated. You hated yourself. I hated. I just, I didn't think I was a good player. Um. You were third team All-Big Ten as a sophomore at Ohio State University, playing in the national title. Yeah. And you didn't feel like you were a good player. No, the, the, at, at, at that place. And like, this is not, this is not, none of this is a condemnation. None of this, this is just the way that it is. Like, there's no, it makes no sense to try to make some like moral claim. If anything, I say this because I still have like friends who are professional players now who reach out to me for advice on like how to like contextualize things. And for me, this eventually, foreshadowing. Got so bad that I was like willing to kill myself to not have to deal with this. Um. But especially like that COVID was a perfect microcosm of, of the sort of containment and the, um, and the mentality that goes into a thing like that where, and it's so funny now because like now I don't even consume college football. So I haven't watched college football since I, since I stopped playing. And, and no, because for, for, for a moment I couldn't watch it because it hurts so bad. And then now it's just, I, I just, it's, it's just in the past. And it's like, I can't, it just makes no sense to me anymore. One of, if not the most common DMs I get on Instagram are many of you asking me what my favorite books are. Well, today's your lucky day because if you use the link in my description below to join my newsletter, I'm going to give you my top 10 book recommendations right now. Also, if you'd like to join my clipping community for a chance to make money producing content from the show, you can do so via the discord link in my description below. And finally, you can join my Patreon for early. Uncensored releases of the full episodes via the Patreon link in my description below, as always, please take one second to hit that subscribe button. If you haven't already, I really appreciate that. Also the like buttons, a big help. And you can join my newsletter via the link in the description below. I think you described, it was really interesting how you described it earlier, plucking kids, the way you put it from around the country to go to one place where it's one team. You join each other through suffering and you described it as cult like, is there a part of that, that you kind of did the facades been removed so when you're watching, you know, a 12 o'clock game on a Saturday where all of us are drinking a beer and having fun, you know what, I think if you ask any former college football player, um, and there's, there's a very interesting overlap also with, I would say the veteran community where it's like, there is the Hollywood production that is American sniper that is any given Sunday where, and even me, like I want to indulge in the dream that it's like, man, if I work hard, I'll get, I can become something and make a name for myself and. Um, my body will stay together. My mind will stay together and, uh, I'll make a million dollars in the meantime and become a demigod. Um, and you know, I mean, even just recently, like a few weeks ago, there was a, uh, there was an offensive lineman who committed suicide and they don't, they donated his brain to CTE research. Um, did he have it? I don't know. I think it's too early to say, um, but I think if you ask any, uh, and this is the sort of, I opened my memoirs. The preface opens with like me in a bar watching the, the national championship of Ohio state the year or two after I retired, where I'm fully a civilian and like someone didn't recognize me. Um, and you know, especially as a big guy, you get the like, oh, you're big. Like, did you play football? And it's like, it's like, and they, and they, and it's, and it's just sort of funny. Um, especially there's, there's the popular question of like, oh, you didn't want to go pro as if like, as if it's behind the verb want as if I didn't want to, as if, but there's just so much between wanting and having and wanting and having, yeah. And for me, ultimately, I even think I got to the place where even, you know, having would have been easy, but I didn't want it anymore. And so the summer of my junior year, um, I had always been, and just to talk about like disillusion, I'd had my first suicidal thought when I was like seven or eight. Um, what, what sparked that? I remember being in the bathtub and my mom. I was talking with my mom and this might've been before that, but when I was a kid, I was talking with my mom and I said, you know, oh, a hundred years from now, mom, like we're going to be best friends. And I, and I, I didn't know what death was yet. And then she explained to me what death was. And from the moment I knew what death was, I had like a really macabre fascination with what death was. And I remember even after that, like we went to like Publix, we went to like the supermarket and I got a pack of chrome hot wheels. And I asked mom, like, mom, can I have this? And she said, of course, honey. And then like, like death just flashed my mind. And I was like, I don't even want it anymore. And so like from a very young age, the, the topic of death, like really gripped my mind. Um, it receded. And so, yeah, so I saw a psychiatrist at a young age, um, come high school, life was good. So when there's no stressors, there was no, like the foundation was never being tested. And, you know, the downside of having a faulty foundation or a cracked foundation is that it, it only becomes worse the more you build on it. And so I had this huge edifice of like, I'm. I'm Harry Miller, Ohio state football player, uh, potentially going to be a Rhodes finalist. It's going to be yada, yada, yada. And I got to the summer of my junior year. That's when agents start reaching out to you. And that's when they start telling you about how much money you're going to make. And like all these things you can be, the plan was play junior year, start be a center, um, declare all American, um, millionaire, yada, yada, yada. And, you know, I was just sort of, I was having all of these conversations and it was just this thing where, again, you, you, uh, you just can't want what you want. You can't decide your want, like the, the will, the want, like, that's a very like Schopenhauer and idea of like the will, like I, I couldn't will myself further anymore because I didn't believe in it. And especially, you didn't believe in it. I just didn't believe in it. Yeah. So like, you know, it's, it's one thing, it's one thing to be hated for what you are. It's one thing to be hated for what you aren't, but it's, it's an entirely different thing to be loved for what you aren't and, and, and, and, and, and. And I couldn't, it just wasn't me. And I was like going down this path and I could feel just like, I couldn't maintain appearances, um, the way that I was. And, you know, so that, so that junior year I'm getting, I was the strongest I ever was. I was the fastest I ever was, you know, we voted for team captains. There were six captains voted. I had the seventh most votes. I had a really great off season looking to be a big contributor to the, to the program. And then. but I was like lying to myself so hard. And it's crazy how easy it is to deceive yourself because I would just get home and I would ignore it. But then like when it was a week away from the first game of the year and I just thought about like being in the stadium and like I just, sometimes the stadiums would get so loud that it would make my ears crackle. And I just like hated, I didn't want to be in the crowd. I didn't want all that sound in my head. And like I would rather would have died than to have to go in there. Before we dig into that, because I think it's going to be really important to get to where that got to and like how it, how it managed us from a thought to getting all the way there. But like I've always had a belief that there's a price paid for genius, right? So you look at great people who do great things, even if we can't always see it, there's some sort of price they pay for that. I'm not just talking about like years of hard work. I'm talking about like something. Something in life to, not to be a pun with your tattoo, but to balance the scales a little bit. And I know you scoffed at me calling you genius earlier, but it's very clear when I watched your speech of you talking about this and then read your writing, like you and listening to you talk, it's crystal clear to people out there. Like you have an innate genius about you. You think about things in a, what's the word I'm looking for? In an almost very existential way. I don't mean that as- I appreciate it. As a pun. And I kind of wonder sometimes if because you are seeing things and considering so many things around you that wouldn't even occur to the average person, if you wonder if sometimes it's like going down those rabbit holes of thought takes your mind away from the presence of what you're doing. Absolutely. At a very young age, at a very young age, that's all it was. It was pure contemplation and contemplation without action is just like terror. It's slavery. like if you you're being subjected to the forces and you have no power yourself to stand up against it so you just feel you feel small and you feel powerless you feel when you're presented with the ideas and they're like just staring at you and they're laughing at you um laughing at you i think that's that's like the language of like i do believe you know in thought like and i've made a video about this about like thought forms and egregores and egregores are like collective psychic beings and you know what you isn't it it's so interesting that you could spend you could do nothing all day but think really hard about something or be really anxious about something and devote all of your psychic energy to something and you you eat food you consume calories and the energy goes somewhere but it hasn't gone anywhere in the material plane there's something when you think about something so hard you endow it with this sort of this psychic this mental body yes i mean so an egregore is is when you when a bunch of people get together and think of something and if you if you endow it with too much power um it can run away from you and i think similarly like so like plato talks about like genius is a gift of madness and actually genius is the latin word for the greek demon and demon isn't like the the most recent christianized demon it can be an agatha demon a good demon a demon is just a a lesser god like it's it's a it's material but it's not god it's just this sort of spirit and um like a mantis and maniac come from that same root of like a man of mind so genius a praying mantis a maniac um all of that mania mania is madness is a genius we're 40 trillion in debt and most of us below the boomer generation don't own a home and don't have a lot of money in the bank account but for the few pennies we do have it's nice to have a tool that can show you exactly how the money's all over the place being spread around and that's where my friends at monarch come in 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monarch use code julian at monarch.com link in my description below to get your first year of monarch core half off at just fifty dollars that's fifty percent off your first year at monarch.com link in description below using code julian check it out today and i think you know especially at a young age you know i think i imagine that there's a lot of people who feel this way where you know the passions um whether it's from your from your chest from your head like plato would like divide that up but the the thoughts and the passions come upon you and they feel like animals sort of like gnawing at you or pulling at you and when you're young and when you when you have no personal spiritual muscle it it will pull you on to your face like the leash like it'll it'll dislocate your shoulder it'll dislocate your your mental limbs from your from your body and so you're just sort of like reeling in pain and so at a young age you know i had these like really big ideas and i was confronted with these things but i had none of the spiritual muscle i had none of the vigor to defend myself and so i was very beholden to these things and i was also a sucker like i'm just such a sucker for um i i i love freedom i love liberty i love sovereignty i love being what i am um and you know there was just i couldn't tolerate i don't want to be yelled at anymore i didn't want people interviewing me anymore i don't want people asking me questions anymore i don't want to wear a number anymore i didn't want agents thinking that i was theirs anymore and so for me product absolutely i felt i just felt i'd spent 20 years being created into the this thing that i was and um and again you you asked and it's very interesting you asked at the beginning like why did i get into football or like did and i said you know like the the the fantasy followed the form like i remember the first time when i was in high school and for a long time i thought i'm gonna get a college scholarship to get an education but then there was a coach from texas a m who talked about the nfl and i didn't know that was an option and then so for me being so young i didn't have the discernment to know what i wanted so i i wanted what people showed me and that's a real that's a real brief i think this is this is somebody i've been reading a lot recently um renee girard he he has this idea of like the the triangle of desire where there is the subject and the object you being the subject the object what you desire and then there's a third there's a model and it is the the other who if they want it it'll make you want it and or if they prohibit you from having it it'll make you want it more and that's how you find so many so many times you want something you want something that you don't even want but it's because other people want it and i think that's how people end up like you were talking about whether it's like studios or whether it's like the the people on your arms the fancy cars or the money right you just want it because other people have it money power famous money yeah sex fame money fame sex power like it's like it's almost like i stole that from you hi right um and i got to this point where i was like looking at it and i've always been a real drama queen i was joking with with cooper how like i would for a long for like two years i'd cry like in every podcast interview because it was also so fresh and so raw that the tears would come out well i think people are going to understand why right yeah right and that's just the way it was i thought that was i like i said i saw that i haven't seen podcast interviews but i saw that one speech you gave and like that was the ted talk yeah they chose not to publish that they chose yeah that's why that's why yeah so i actually why did they choose not to publish because of the and like i understand like they it's sensitive to material it's like it talks about suicide that's what i said um you know they ended up you know they sold their tickets they got their money i spoke at their thing and it was a big rah-rah ted what the this is incredible that's what i said i appreciate it yeah everyone go you have it on your twitter right it's on yeah it's on my twitter it's in my instagram bio um yeah it's an dude you know they we i complained and then they sent me they sent me like a pamphlet about like how to talk about like mental health and stuff and they sent me like a pdf um oh jesus christ but um yeah god but i like i i get you know willing to you know they were put in a hard position i get it but no you're being nice i'll say i'm trying i appreciate it it was great but but the reason i bring it up is because like it is so raw and yeah that couldn't have been how long after was it we're going to get to what that was 12 to 18 months yeah dude and again the point was i was always a very honest like talking about like talking about freedom liberty sovereignty um the the to be what you are which i think is good like goodness is like is is to pursue your nature to fulfill your nature and to not be prohibited and i knew what i wanted to be i feel like i couldn't be it and there's a reason there's a reason why every law is written in the negative tense like whether it's the ten commandments or the the bill of rights congress shall make no law thou shalt not kill freedom only exists when you can say no if the the freedom to say yes is just is permission and whoever's giving you permission is your sovereign, that's who rules you. And the only way I felt I got to a point where I could assert myself and assert my freedom, especially, you know, when I viewed myself as property of the television, of the institution, of media and managers and all these things, when I viewed myself as property, suicide became the destruction of property, it became vandalism. And I wanted to show my contempt so much that it's like, I'd rather die than do this. And so that became a really dangerous headspace where, and of course, thank God now, I've learned that I have a voice. And that was actually for a long time. In my dreams, I had no voice. In my dreams, I would be yelled at by people and I would have this frog in my throat and I couldn't speak. Just like in real life. So until I wrote the book, I didn't speak in my dreams for like years. I couldn't speak. And I was always being talked to in my dreams and taunted. And then when I wrote it and like reclaimed my voice and that story, I developed the ability to speak. And again, that's why I think, thank God, because now, I mean, all of this, I started sharing stuff online a year ago, essentially to the date almost. And it'd be a shame. It's just like, I think about how, talking about brain fully forming at 25, I didn't know anything at such a young age. And the reason I was so wrong in my TED talk was because there is nothing I hate more than sort of the infantilization or the coddling of talk about suicide. Because talking about madness, talking about genius, like it made sense to me, I wouldn't do something that doesn't make sense. And so that was the point of the TED talk was like, why did this make sense to me? And as you can see, when you, when looking at it through the lens of, of destruction of property, of retaining sovereignty, and then, and then of course it starts to make sense in the context of like seppuku and like ritual suicide and like, and choosing to, to go out on your own terms, um, that was like the, like the Japanese disembowelment of like this, like samurai, like Bushido. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and you know, there's actually a, uh, there's a, I think it's Walt Whitman, um, song of joys. He says like along the lines, like along the lines of to struggle against great odds, to face enemies undaunted, to be entirely alone with them and define how much one man can stand, um, to face prison, torture, strife, and popular odium face to face, um, to mount the scaffold, to charge the muzzles of guns with perfect nonchalance, to be indeed a God. There's this idea that, and yes, there's this idea that, um, if you, if you doubt it, he nailed it. If you charge, I knew he had it bar for bar, word for word. If you charge the muzzles of guns with perfect nonchalance, that's how you become, that's how you become a God to be indeed a God. Godship. It's so, that's why I think it's so beautiful where, lots of animals get killed, but only a God would choose to suffer. Um, bacteria run away from high temperatures. Um, cattle will run away from wolves, but there's something that only a mannequin, there's something divine, or even, I guess you see, you'll see a scared animal defending its child where when you, when you charge the muzzles of guns with perfect nonchalance, um, that is Godship. That is, there's divinity in that. Hey guys, if you haven't already subscribed, please hit that subscribe button. Thank you. And so I say all of this, not to, not to romanticize or to justify, because I do think life is more romantic. I do think life is more justified. Um, but that's where my headspace was at was, you know, when you feel powerless, that becomes this huge well, wellspring of power. And I think anybody listening to this right now who is negotiating with those things, that's probably the great temptation. Um, and you know, there's, I, I say all of that to, to confess that it's a very good argument. Like it's very damning. And that's why, you know, as you've seen my, as my Ted talk, like, um, you know, for me, I ended up dragging a box cutter across my throat. Cause like, I, I just want it to be done with it. Um, and you know, evidently like wasn't able to do the damage necessary to, to not be here anymore. What do you think that was that you didn't? So I get how it can steal your time, but why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about EBCLIS? EBCLIS, Leberkizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children, 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems, you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit EBCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Welcome back. Welcome to the EBC Wednesday. Abbott is back. It's going to be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. Y'all think you run this school, but you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle. Right, guys? Season premiere Wednesday on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. You didn't, I mean, obviously, like if you wanted. If I wanted to, I think like they say there's that, like, there's that, like, I don't know if it's like a, you know, the, the folk tale of like, it only takes, it's like a baiting, eating a baby carrot to bite off your pinky, but like your brain won't do it because it's like self-harm. So like the neurology can't overcome itself to destroy itself. I think there was an element of that to it. I mean, I was, of course, like very scared. And again, it's like, it's not like I wanted to, it's not like I was going out of my way to do it. I wasn't really, I was reluctant. I was scared. And so I wasn't eager by any means. And I didn't have the date circled and scheduled with a birthday cake waiting for me. I was reluctant. And so, of course, like I didn't, I didn't create the force necessary to produce the damage that would have done it. Thank God. Well, let's go back to the timeline too, because we got off that and skip forward for a second. So it was after, after the championship game, you were third team All-American, which was supposed to mean something, but you didn't feel like, or third team All-Big Ten, I'm sorry. You didn't feel like you were a good player and you kind of internalized this whole thing. And I guess you're headed into your junior year at this point, is that correct? Junior year, yeah. And this, I believe what you said 20 minutes ago was that that was when, it's not like it was the first time in your life you had that ideation, but that was when it started to creep in. And that like, you know what, I'd rather not be here. Yeah. No, because I mean, I mean, to speak very plainly, and again, I'd like, I'd prefer to speak as plainly as possible, because I think it removes any like room for deception or dishonesty. But like, I mean, I felt kind of like just bitch made there. It's like, I don't, like you've, you've spent 21 years, your parents have spent this money getting you, you're the agents, the agents, the coaches, like everybody had invested in me. Did you have a good relationship with your parents? Fantastic relationship. Like, I love my parents. So there was no, there was no, yeah, there was no, like, I mean, I felt bad. But of course, then again, that's like the sort of like, the persuasive demon of suicide is that a huge obstacle is people love me, the, the rebuttal to that. And I described, you know, suicides, like sort of like fighting like a Mortal Kombat bot that like learns your moves and starts to like react to you like, like a noob sidebot Mortal Kombat, like it's a ghost that just learns your best techniques. It makes mockeries of them. It just lapses you. It's just, you thought that breathing technique was going to save your life. You thought that mantra was going to save your life. Like this thing has been here longer than, you know, this, this, this power, this force, this like call of the void. And, um, you know, you really don't know until you, and like Kierkegaard says that like to learn sort of the grace of God, you have to wrestle in the infinite and to learn the grace of God. That's a paraphrase. Yeah. But he, he talks. It's a good paraphrase. Yeah. He talked, he talks about you, you, until you exhaust yourself of your own powers, you will rely on your own powers. And that's why, you know, one of my favorite images is the, um, the story of Jacob, um, going up on Peniel, going up on the mountain. So Jacob in the Bible, this is in Genesis, Jacob is the second born twin to Abraham. Um, no Abraham, Isaac, Jacob to Isaac, um, Jacob and Esau is the red one, the firstborn twin. Jacob comes out second, snatching his ankle, grabbing his ankles as he comes out of the womb. So he's called the ankle snatcher or the righteous deceiver. He's the one who makes others stumble. And so he spends his whole life sort of as the second son. And so he has no birthright. He has no claim to the house, to, to, um, the lineage, but he, um, ends up tricking Esau out of his birthright. Esau tired after a hunt, he trades Esau a bowl of soup for his birthright. And then Isaac, who's now going blind, Esau is very hairy. So Jacob covers himself in animal furs to resemble his brother's hairy skin. covers himself in his scent, goes to his blind father and steals Esau's blessing. And so because he's sort of, he's the righteous deceiver, he deceives his family to earn this blessing. And when they find out he's banished and spends years away from his family, and when he comes back, years pass, he comes back and he goes up on this mountain and they're waiting for him as the Elohim, and so like a God angel. And I like to imagine just this sort of like, this aura, the celestial being, just sort of like sitting there, waiting there, smoking a cigarette. And Jacob gets up there and they start to wrestle. And it says they wrestle all night. And then Jacob, and then the angel dislocates Jacob's hip. And the angel tries to leave, but Jacob says like, I will not. I will not let you go. The angel says, let me go. Jacob says, I will not let you go until you bless me. And so you've got this guy fighting on one leg, telling God to bless. I'm not, I'm not giving up. They've wrestled all night. The angel says, what is your name? And here I think is a really beautiful image because Jacob, his name means the deceiver, the snatcher, the stumbler, the ankle snatcher. And he's had the pride to fight all night. But when confronted, and when the angel looks at him in the face, he's like, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. And he looks at him in the face and says, what are you? He confesses what he is. He says, I am Jacob. And then the angel Elohim says, from now on, you will no longer be known as Jacob, but as Israel, he who fights with God. And so he redeems him. That's what the word redeem, redeem, he renames him. And so his name of the deceiver gets changed to he who fights with God. So his combat with the infinite becomes an affectionate name. It becomes a kudos. And there's an interest, and there's also another verse where he says, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. And Jacob says, and what's your name? And then the angel says, why do you ask my name and just leaves? And so there's this, it feels very sort of like older brothery, where it's like, you know who I am. And then the angel leaves. And then Jacob goes, reconciles. And that becomes the 12 houses of Israel is his lineage. And so just, I say all of that to reference. Yeah. So that's the, I think that's Gustave Duret, one of his etchings. I love this guy. He's got all the references. It's great. Oh, it's great. That guy, Gustave Duret, it's beautiful, right? Yeah. And there's, look, like you see the struggle in him. And then the angel is just plain faced, in power, the higher ground. The art is so good that you can pick that up in one split second. And so Jacob walks the rest of his days at the limp. And for me, I had a very similar story. So like to return to the junior season. And so, yeah, I resolved that, like, I'd rather die, I'd rather die. Did you resent your coaches and the trainers and the people who were a part of this program who were, you know, yelling at you so much and telling you what to do or? No, no, no. And for the most part, it was just pure love. I mean, there's cases where, and honestly, like, you have to operate from forgiveness because, no, I don't. You believe the intentions were good. For the most part, absolutely. And like, even especially Coach Day. Coach Day, his father committed suicide. And so he was actually very initiative on, he was very initiated on treating this. I really do think, you know, talking about egregores and like psychic entities, the, every Saturday, there is going to be a game with 100,000 people in the stadium. You're not stopping that. It's too big. It's too powerful. You're not, you could scream into the midnight sky or like go to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. You are not stopping ESPN College Game Day from coming to your town and fireworks going off, right? And so you can't put, like, what are you going to be mad about? And I think maybe I realized this sort of like the futility of what, and that's what's crazy is like this, this whole saga of me, there's always going to be somebody else wearing 76. There's always going to be somebody else wearing the number and whatever. And I think, you know, for a lot of times, so like, so I told Coach Day, you know, I wanted to kick myself. And so I said, you know, we're about a week away from opening against Minnesota. And I tell him, I, I, I, before your junior year, before my junior year. Yep. And again, this is the plan is with swift harms, the gods cut short the follies of men. Remember that? I've heard that one before. Yeah. That's, um, I think it's, like, fucking Sophocles or something. Um, If it's not, you're fired. I'm fired. Um, was, yeah. And I think, I think that's Antigone. Um, and so with swift harms, yeah. So you've, every, everybody has plans. My plan was junior year play all American, make money, cool, professional football player. That was the plan. And so that's, that's the plan. And so I go and talk with Coach Day and, um, he's, I say, can we meet tomorrow? He says, he's probably thinking like, how are we going to pick up Moscow or how are we going to pick up chop, which are like blitzes or whatever. And I sit down and he's got his game. He's whatever. He's busy. And honestly, like I kind of probably like ruin his day. And I'm like, I think about killing every time I go home, I think about killing myself. Um, and he didn't flinch. He's sort of, you know, we quickly, he had again, him being familiar with it. We put the things in place. Um, I, what were those things? Um, I started working with sports psychiatry and psychology and we started having, we had a, you know, probably like every other day we were meeting. Um, my mom came up for a period and I tried. So like we had that. Yeah. My mom was actually, that was, I left that out. My, I thought about, my first thing was, what do I do? Call my mom. I called my mom and I told her, and again, before you met with coach day, I asked her what to do. And she said, yeah, meet with coach day. Um, and he handled it right away. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, he said, you know, if you feel this way, you should probably sit out today. And I said, like, coach, I felt this way for a long time. Um, the only difference is now, you know, about it. And so I tried to play, I think I practiced for like two more days or maybe it was just that day. Like I just, I kept going, but again, it's so weird. Like you want to talk about disillusionment once you, once you sort of like prepare to, it's just like, now it's like, what are you, someone screams at you? And it's just like, it's just noise. It's just like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Like this means nothing, bro. Um, and so I was out of it and he knew that. So I ended up, I ended up taking, I ended up sitting out. And I think at that time in my heart of hearts, I knew I was done playing football. Um, but he's still, that's interesting. So he got you help right away, but he still let you practice. Yes, but I insisted. Like when I went, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I think, well, I think, well, to talk about care. And again, this was a huge point with my mom for a long time. People, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, still thought that like football was my outlet as it had been my entire childhood. So they think that there's some other symptom I'm depressed. I didn't tell him that you didn't tell him. No, I didn't say why I didn't say why it was just, I want to. Um, and I think, you know, it's stress, it's stress. It's the same way where it's like, it's stressful. Like, I mean, yeah, it's a stressful job. Um, but it's not the job itself. It's the, it's the things that surround it. And I think, and that was why with, you know, for my mom for a long time, um, even afterwards, it, it, it took a lot of, and I didn't, and I didn't realize this until we had this sort of like breaking, this is also fast forwarding, but there came a point where that was a long fall. And my, my mom and I kept arguing near the end of it where I was like, there was this failure to communicate. And there came a point where like, I said, like, I'm not going to come home for Christmas. I was so fed up because we were operating under two entirely different assumptions where I had made it my mind, like, I can't do this anymore. And she kept saying, when you feel better, you can do this. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. When you feel better, we'll get back to playing football. And so she, so I was trying to like escape from the madhouse and she kept saying like, you're going to get better and things are going to continue. And ultimately, you know, when I communicated, we, we eventually had the realization that, you know, perhaps this is irrecoverable. Um, and that wasn't until after the fact. So I think everybody sort of was operating under that assumption. How were you doing in school at that time? 4.0. So the day after I, the day after I like cut my throat, like I went to class, that's the Gators. When we talk about the Gators that like go up over your face, I would just like, I just put that over my throat and just like, I went to, I just continued, took my exams. Was that in the fall? I was in the fall. Yeah. So that was after the conversation with coach day. Yeah. So I took some time off. Um, and then again, we, there was the, after like four weeks, there was the talk of like returning to play. And, but again, like I was just so out of it. I was like, it was just like in dream world that entire time where it's like, nothing felt real. What did you talk about with the psychiatrist? Um, how helpful was that? It was very helpful. I mean, I had world-class, um, Candace and Joshua were my, were my two, were my two people. Um, and again, a lot of that. And again, this is the function I serve to a lot of athletes who reached out to me is you just need, and this is why I love Nicaragua. Like you want to talk to somebody who doesn't even know what the shape of a football is. Um, cause you get to the point where it's like everybody again, Saturday, everything goes down to Saturday. How do you feel? It's about Saturday. Are you okay? Can you walk on that? Saturday. Everything is Saturday. This Saturday, are you good or not? Saturday. Saturday. And to just talk to people who it doesn't matter, that's when you can really start unpacking stuff. Because otherwise, everything is in preparation. It's very adrenal and sympathetic nervous system, and it's just action, and it's just survival. And you can't really slow down to process things. And so if a thing is broken, it's just pure epinephrine. It's beyond you, you know? And so, yeah, it was extremely helpful. And then four weeks pass, and I'm sort of back. And ironically, I returned in the position of being like a backup guard. I was in the second strings, and I was honestly having so fun just practicing. Because then I was back to being a kid just playing football without any consequences. Because there's not the pressure of you having to perform on Saturday. Right. I was just playing ball on a beautiful leg. So that would have been October. I was just playing football in October in Ohio. Leaves are changing. It's 6 p.m. I get to try to down block on my teammate. What came out? His mic. Are we good? It's still out? All right. We'll be right back. We're going to fix it. We'll be right back. All right. We're back. We got the mic fixed now. So you had been saying the leaves are changing. You were having fun again. Yeah, you're playing ball like you're a kid. And it's just now there's no fans. There's no critics. There's no production. It's just football. And that I loved. But again, the problem had not been solved. Because I still had more courage to harm myself than to say what was wrong, which is like a terrible irony. Did it feel like you almost had a bandaid on a bullet wound and you just couldn't see the wound? Yeah. I mean, that was, it was like the primordial crack, like I had never addressed, you know. And for me, I had always planned on like playing football, making a lot of money and then becoming a writer. Like I always wanted, the end game was to create things and art. You wanted to be a writer all the way back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in engineering school, but you want to be a writer. Yeah, I figured I would like do a degree that like I could get a job if I needed to was the plan. So you didn't love, I was going to ask you this. I was going to ask you about that earlier, but I don't want to get you off your thought. You didn't love engineering. You were just really smart. I did love engineering. I love a lot of things. I did love it. I did love it. You did love it. And I think engineering really informs my style as well in terms of, you know, it gave me the procedure. It gave me a way of looking at the world in terms of mathematical and theoretical, but also very practical. And I think, again, it's all about what is practical because these theories, and I think that's where a lot of people are. A lot of people get like messed up. It's like in theory, ultimately like my philosophy now is about action. It's about what empowers me, what helps me move and progress and self-actualize and self-overcome. And so, yeah, so I loved engineering and it's sort of shaped how I, and I'm very proud to like to be able to say like mechanical engineering. Yeah, it's a nice flex. Yeah, a nice like feather in the cap from The Ohio State University. Thank you guys for checking out. If you haven't already subscribed, please subscribe and hit the like button on this video. It is a huge, huge help. And if you'd like to check out this clip's full podcast episode, that link is in the description below or right here. And finally, you can follow me on Instagram and X by using the links in my description below. Welcome back, frickin' frack. Welcome to the jungle. ABC Wednesday. Abbott is back. Thank you. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle, right guys? When an intruder approaches a home, they expect a camera. What they don't expect. Stop. This is simply safe. Police are on the way. Using smart AI cameras, live U.S.-based agents help deter intruders in under 30 seconds. Don't just record a break. Stop it from ever happening. Plan starting around a dollar a day. 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