The Summer Bears Takeover! w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Hello everybody and welcome to two bears one cave summer edition you fucking pussies That's right me and Chrissy D are here. We're your substitute teachers. That's it. All right. Let's roll out Let's roll out finding Nemo in French class. Yeah, we don't give a fuck. You're not learning shit for six weeks Yes, and a lot of you guys have thought We just actually got news. We just got a text from Josh Zolo who looks like Benson Boon We just been some spoon You're not even fat Josh but Benson Boon is an actor. Yeah, he's a more. He's a shredded Mormon But you do have a couple jowls compared to him. Yes, let's peel up the side by side. We'll put that up and pose So we got you know a lot of you guys have always thought that it was gonna be Bert Christchurch Who died at any moment, but we just got it was Tom Siger actually died. Yeah, he's dead He was doing a he was doing a ritual for molloch He was doing he was doing a your mom's house live and he got too crazy Somebody just shit right in his eyelids and he's died of self mentally disabled sex criminals They have to make a prop it up that show rebel didn't Oh my god listen guys, we're excited to do this, but we know what you know we we read the comments to it We're not gonna save the show No, this is like what a marriage is failing so you adopt to fun children You know what I mean? Yeah, there's like there's like the poochie episode of the Simpsons. Yeah, where they have the cool dogs Yeah, skateboard Tommy and I are like the two cool Vietnamese kids that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted Before they got divorced. Yeah, we saw that ended up. Yes, Tom and Tom and Bert are gonna choke us on an airplane Oh my god, so I mean, yeah, yeah, what do you think I think we should first figure out who is Tom and who is Bert? I think because my addictions will ultimately kill me. I'm Bert and because you're a closet at homosexual with Distain for the working class. Yes, you're Tom. Tom. I I agree with those assessments However, but that's the physical that I mean, that's the external right because the internal actually if you look at our numbers side by side I have like 300 cholesterol really blood pressure through the room serious I have a my liver for some reason even though I don't really drink. Yeah, it's just expanding at a rate that doctors You figure out so I am the anti bird you look healthy, but your body is in shambles. Yes, I'm a reverse bird And I'm a I'm in any bird and so I think on the exterior on Tom interior on Bert And on the exterior you're a bird but the interior you're a Tom I don't know because I saw bad thoughts and when he shits his pants like the Is that in that first episode of just shit running guns like that's a stovie right there That is true. That is that is a move my guts have pulled them many times that level of diarrhea now I've made it to a bowl right I have seen I have seen what was on Tom's pants in my bowl Right right soft sir. I mean shit that is basically salt like liquidy soft sir when they don't get the they don't get the fucking combination right? Yeah, yeah, and it's not frozen enough. That's what comes out of my ass more often Yes, I think and to what I love about you too is I remember one time we were we were doing your pod We're gonna come over and do your book because by the way I can't do a podcast without a Greek person sitting next to me It's I just I keep trading Greeks. Yeah. Yeah, um, but I remember we're going to do your pod And you were like, hey man, I'm eating healthy. You know, I'm not I'm not I'm gonna do I do my walking early I got before the pod and then It's it's early as fuck but then we got there we got there even earlier than you had expected and we saw you finishing your walk But you were coming out of the supermarket holding a pint of ice cream It was halo top, okay, true. That's methadone for fat people. It's methadone bedding fire He was hailed up 330 calories. That's it. You know the mocha chip. Yeah, you know, you can do a little something with that that I am protein. I'm gonna say though, dude You are you what you've done as you've pulled your fat together and you look actually good what you look like now is a guy Who's designed to be just a little heavier right healthy? Thank you. That's how you look I just want to get back to regular stores man, right? I mean not having to shop at specialty stores Not having to look at not having to scan the dark web for shirt sizes when you're so fat They like you're the stores and sell your shirts also sell like heroin and child pornography, right, you know You got to fucking reel it in. Yeah, everything you guys got to be from like the gap factory Oops, we accidentally stitched two polos together. That's it. Who's gonna wear this day? Yeah, but but you look good You feel a dude and you know and I think that this is gonna be I think this is gonna be fun I think this is going to be good and I think that at the end of the summer what you'll see is eventually a post of Bert and Tom saying we're stepping away from two pairs one game And he didn't work with the guests either because the advertisers have all left. Yeah They're like stop the end to staff, you know what the hell? Given money to them or whatever that are they a sponsor? Yes, they are well. Yep. I love what a good product. Yes, we both use Love it. That's how we're keeping the pounds up and by the way, also two were both in Gene I'm in shorts and Stavis in short, so this it'll be nice to just see our thighs You got you got direct line to our nuts for sure. Now you have your circumcised right? No Are you well, I thought Greeks work? Oh? Interesting Cliped no if he is I would have a huge problem with the honest views clipped for real And I'm not even we'd have told a lot of jokes early on this body Yes, but if Janice was circumcised, I would feel betrayed on a level I couldn't even like verbalize to you right now. I got to think that he's clipped Because he's never told me that he wasn't now. Here's the thing about Janice He is he his family who's here one generation He's one generation removed from the homeland for me and I do sense a little like He's a little ashamed of how much we're pretty much Arabs, you know what I mean like yeah, he's he's a little more You know his family. He's like his family were like lawyers academic. Yes, my my dad is a contractor my mom repaired Rugs and was a waitress like we're a little more we're closer to the uncircumcised, you know lower class lower class like the in the Titanic of Greeks I'm downstairs fucking. Yeah, you know doing the jig down with the Greek Irish and he's upstairs Yeah, you know fucking put putting on a Catillian he's Billy Zane Billy Zane I'm fucking Leonardo DiCaprio and he could be you know what because he's and his true true his his class of Greece are a little closer to the gays Right, he's at least high upper echelons society. So he might have gotten in with the gays enough where they may have convinced him to clip it And that would actually betray. I mean the which seems philosophically against a gay man. You think they'd want less cock flesh It's philosophically against. No, see if I'm thinking that they want aesthetically aesthetically a cleaner looking cock I think you're being homophobic in the way that you think they they it's all about aesthetics But it's also animalistic love of penis right which I think I think and respect of penis which is where I come from well I think where I'm coming from is what I want as a gay man Let's get really down to it Is that you know in terms of that's the other thing about two bears is that we're certainly we have some Tom and Bert analogs But also just as bears. I think we're the two archetypes of fun fact. I's been fat as whole life. Yeah bear You know what I mean? I've been sucked again sucked off by twinks, whatever you though I think or the opposite where was a twink that's aging into being a bear. Yes kind of like when Michael Jordan went from the two to the three Right as you put on some pounds later in life. You're going from like regular gay guy. Yeah, you're aging into bear right? I was I was wearing number 23. Yeah, now I'm a now I'm a 45 I'm on the wizards get I'm a gay wizards Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, because that that is true because look here's the thing is I'm first of all I'm getting actually married to a woman you are getting married to finally 10 years later three kids Three kids dead years of the court dates eight fucking and a change of male forms. Yes I mean you have moved more than anyone I've ever been and I'm moving again. I closed on Thursday You're out of your mind. I got out of here. I mean, you're fucking real through well has sent his family to fucking To college. Oh yeah times over. Yeah, the fucking brokers fees. You've paid this is why this is actually part of what the court So you'd have to show up because the the courts are like what are you doing? Yeah, is this borderline child neglect? Yeah, yeah, yeah But but so I move a lot and then you know getting married and what I Think though too is I I've oh you're always look I was always looking for something To be like, oh, maybe I don't want to get married or maybe I want to have all these kids because I'm gay whatever but now I haven't finally Right due to radical acceptance just figured out that I'm actually not gay. Are you positive? I am actually a 1,000 percent positive I'm not gay and when you say that did you give it a little world? Yeah, did you have you ever given it or whatever? No, you're a dick and a man's mouth. No never never never never not even that which seems to me like no I could put my dick and a man's mouth. No, and I wouldn't lose sleep over it for one second listed dude I've had again all boy Catholic high school growing up in the city I've definitely like you know balls on the bridge of your nose Beating up a Latino kid. Yes, but turning I think self hatred for getting into racism, it's classic Italian from Brooklyn stuff. - Yeah, exactly, dude. Getting a blowjob from a guy crossing the Farazano. (laughing) - Yeah, if it's on a bridge, it doesn't count. It's like international water. (laughing) - Yeah, I'm in between two worlds, two realms. - You don't exist anywhere. - That's in the shadow realm. - Yeah. - You're just in a suspension. You're like a fucking little harness getting your day something under the bridge. - Dude, I've never hooked up with a guy on land. (laughing) - So therefore you're not dead. (laughing) - Only on a carnival cruise and under the Farazano bridge. - Yes, I'll do it, I know. So that, so I wouldn't say. - You never, you never even thought about it, huh? - Now, and also, too, I've been asked by my family, which is, it's interesting. Retendments into this podcast. And the one thing my family asked me last night was to not please stop with the gay jokes. And I just, in the first 10 minutes, just made them, maybe on the biggest platform I've ever told them on. And when you say, when you say your family, you mean you're like, parents should you mean your children? - No, not my children. I mean, Jasmine, my fiancee. - Yeah, she's, she's told me enough. She's like, you know, like your kids are getting old enough now, the kids in schools are like, "Oh, isn't it, isn't your dad?" The one who said he got anal blasted by a breeze. Hey, welcome to the new school. (laughing) 'Cause my kids always have to be the new kids, 'cause we move so much. And then they're like, you know, the new kids always get a lot of attention and then they find out her dad. And then it's always like, oh, right. Hey, what about this YouTube clip? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Look, true classic isn't just about fit and fabric. It's about helping guys show up with confidence and feel good doing it. The stuff fits right, feels amazing, and it's pricey. 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Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/bears. Go to Shopify.com/bears. Shopify.com/bears. (bell dings) - Do they have, maybe you don't wanna dox them, but you should give them a fake last name. - Well, so I don't have my, that's, we were talking about that, but then my family was like, you know what, but then that messes with their identity so little, so I was just like whatever. I don't have a name, I don't have, do you get packages sent to your house with your name? - Yeah, I do. - You do, yeah. - I mean, which is dumb, I should stop doing that. - Yeah, because it's just like, they just see the name and then I've been on the, it's not a problem here. I'm not famous anywhere but Baltimore because of the Ravens videos. - Right. - And that's it, it's not your hard work. It's never the thing you want. It's always like sub-protecting to be white trash. - Yeah. - And so I think in Baltimore, I need to, in Baltimore, I'm gonna start having my packages sent as Christa Stefano. - Dude, please, dude, nobody knows me and I proof that I had to cancel my show at the Lyric because the tickets, so that show has been fully canceled. It's over. - Big room, man. - Yeah, that was 100, that's dumb, you know. - That was a stupid mistake. You'll see me at McGoobies. - Yeah. - And, but, you know, yeah, I, I think, you know, for, you know, you're, yeah, you're big. None of us really are that, we're big to our like podcast fans, internet fans, but none of us really are like famous to the point where like, you need like security. It may feel like it, but also too, dude, nobody from the internet is gonna show up at your house and do anything bad. - It's just not gonna happen. - I don't know about that. I think like, I know, I know the news channels you watch, they don't cover mass shootings anymore. I know Newsmax just kind of puts those under the rug, but I think we got some evidence that a lot of guys from the internet are doing plenty of crime. The problem is with me is, you know, and I've now changed it, but we realized that it was very easy to get, 'cause all my doors have like key codes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And every code was 1776. (laughing) - So any true patriot is allowed to come into your house. - Exactly. - Walk your ass. - Yeah, yeah. - Eat your snacks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - As long as you have that flag, the original 13 colonies. (laughing) - As long as you're coming at that, and you have some type of revolutionary work on, you can come and have sex in my family. (laughing) - We're brothers, dude. (laughing) - Yeah, man. - That's fucking hilarious, man. - I think, I think, yeah, but this is, this Tom Burke, supposedly Benson Boone said, Benson Spoon said that Burke had a video for us. - Oh shit, look at that. - Bert's got the fit, even just right here, I can tell he's got six months left. (laughing) - I can tell that his arteries and veins hit their life. - He was looking good, dude. He's gotten redder and redder these last few months. - He is unbelievably fit. Like, he might be in the best shape of anyone you ever made. It's insane. It's insane the adversity he puts his body through, and how much it perseveres. - Yes. - He is a medical marvel for real. - He should be dead. - No matter what. - He should be dead without question. - No way, and like, dude, I did fully loaded when it was like him taking it easy, and one and a half days of attempting to keep up with Bert, and I literally need like a week and a half off. I had like fucking my stomach just drinking at all. I did mushrooms and floated down a lazy river, and then had to do a fucking show in front of an arena. I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking. Just the snacks. It almost killed me, and by the way, I was getting fucked up every night on my tour. That was in my like taking, I was more dick pills and Pepto Bismol and fucking Xanax, and I was fucking man at that time. And I was like, oh, I can hang, you know, fully loaded. It's fucking insane what he's capable of. - I see. - He's got like, yeah, Neanderthal jeans, all right. Let's see. (laughing) - Oh, yeah. Sorry. - I'll put these on. I look like Warren from something about Mary. - Franks and Beans. - Hey guys, it's Bert. I would love for you guys to talk about Indian people today. - Okay. - I've run into a bunch of Indian people on my trip. - The whole pause is for you. - I love your take. Any good stories about Indians? - Bert's like, let's fucking, let's, he's ironically outsourcing Indian racism. - Yes, he's like, he's like, why don't you guys try and say something that'll get your careers ruined? - And when a guy, like Bert says it, I don't know if he's talking about Native Americans or people from India. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true. - Because the way he's saying he's put some stank on India, so I'm like, are you talking about like civil war Native Americans? - Like the Cherokees, are you talking about people from India? - Oh, yes, this is a man who's been thrown out of many seminal casinos and it's like, you know what I mean? But all right, let's keep going. I'm, by the way, not doing that. (laughing) - 100% not just giving my thoughts on a race. - It's carte blanche, but anyway, let's keep moving. What else we got, Josh? - Indian people always fucking rock. - Indian women are the fucking hottest women in the world of my opinion. - Okay. - Indian men are always helpful. I've never had a group of Indian kids - He's okay, cause he's again. - Now he's kind of reverse psychology trying to get us to be racist. - Yeah, I mean, he's like, oh, aren't they so cool? Aren't they, you know? - Yeah, I feel like he's literally, like, Leanne is off camera, like, telling him what to say to back it off, back it in. (laughing) - When people look at this, I mean, they see me as just smile. So any story is about Indian people or any stats about Indian people. Any interesting knowledge about Indian people, then, if you don't wanna do that one, how about this? I would love for you guys to break down America's greatest holiday, okay? It was just Fourth of July and I would love to hear you guys pick which you think the best American holiday is and then take it head-to-head with what you believe is the world's greatest holiday, whether it be Carnival in Brazil or the day they throw tomatoes or running of the bulls. - I hope you guys have, oh, can you guys try to talk about Rolexes and luxury cars? - Yeah, yeah. - What luxury car you wanna buy, what Rolex, you wanna buy, that's Tom's talking points. I hope you guys have a good day. great episode. I love you guys today. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm sure it's gonna be amazing. I cannot wait to listen. Oh, and mention that my tour permission to party starts. We can stop it right now. Yeah, we can stop right now. I'll be in England though. I will be in London. Yeah, we take over the, look at that pause. By the way, that's him realizing what a mistake he's made giving us this podcast. Yeah, vote Zoran. Yeah, that's why I was bringing up Indian people. He was like, I saw I saw a star. I was talking about some Indian guy. Maybe he likes Indian people. I do. Okay. I will say great cuisine. You know, yeah, incredible cuisine. Oh, yeah, my true thought in terms of hot women. Yes, some incredible bangers there. Bollywood. Have you seen RRR? Have you seen that movie? Do Bollywood movies? Fuck you. I mean, I don't think that's technically Bollywood, but it's a story about like three Indian revolutionaries. And it's like it's awesome because I'm gonna take these off by the way. I'll do what you do. Yeah, I'm sweating. I have too much fat ear sweat. You actually have good ears for your ear. If I just zeroed in your ears, I would say it kind of is probably pretty ripped. Yeah. That's it. Which by the way, what is this? That's not your body. That's not me. That's my actual body. There's no problem using. And then they went to your, I guess, your search history. Yeah, they found that. Yeah, they literally, that's you stop. He's actually about it. And then they picked some rip guy. They just gave me a barehead and a yama cup. That's it. I mean, that might be Mateo Lane's body. Yeah, that's true. That's another reason why I know I'm not gay. Mateo Lane told me, look me now. I said, dude, you're not. He's like, you are not. So he's like the gay sorting hat. He's like Harry Potter. Yes. Mateo puts his bare ass on your head and he's like, straight. He can feel it. Bicurious at most. Yes. All right. So I would say RRR is a banger. Okay. Great movie. Okay. But yeah, I have pretty limited. And I, you know, I've pretty limited. You know, growing up here in the in the great melting pot of Brooklyn, what were your experiences? So that's the thing. Because Baltimore, I don't think you guys have a lot of it. We had a tough. We had in the suburbs. I mean, that's the thing. All the Indian kids I knew were like, because Baltimore, we didn't have much, but like closer to DC, there was like, it was actually a very diverse. A lot of like, this is, I guess, is that a kind of positive racism where it's like some of the first like really smart, like computer mathematicians, like would work in the government. And so the most affluent county in, I think America is either among Gumry or Howard County, which is like South of Baltimore between, and there was like a lot of kids. I met a lot of like, I did meet one piece of shit. Because he was like, he was still holding on to like the cast system. Like he thought he thought he was fucking, but he weren't, we were like holster. Damn. He, he wore a holster. It was funny to be like a like intra Indian like supremacist. Right. But where like, you know, the cost. Yeah. And have like a little earring and like be like a fucking, you know, like sexy bro. He tried to be like a sexy bro. The thing is with Indian people to me. What's always insane is like here, like at least in New York, like people make fun of them. But it's like every class the smartest kid by far is Indian. So like as far as like the immigrants go, I mean, I would put them as like you're the leader and see what we've done now is bird has, has, has made us start ranking races. So I'm going to go ahead and do an executive system. And we're going to move this along and just say go watch RRR and eat some fucking roadie. And that's that's all I got for yeah, eat a samosa. Yeah. I mean, jerk off to hot Indian ladies and that's the last thing we need is somebody like me ranking races. Then we're going to beer hall push. That is true. You are a crypto crowd, which you don't get, you don't get enough credit for, you know, you have the, you have the Italian last name. And that does a lot of that does a lot of you're marinara washed. I would say, you know, it's like, you know, I deflect a lot with the Italian. Because oh, Chris Stefano, you know, presented myself as this Italian, you know, black Puerto Rican women, all that stuff. Sure. And that stuff is somewhat true, but then into the Ancesture.com. And it's 98% German 98. 98% so even your dad, yeah, that's why me and y'all said to stop the podcast for three years. This is an ad by better help workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health with 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. To battle stress, most of us can't just wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with a focus on wellness. What I do while I'm at work on this show in Atlanta is I take a walk around the lot. I take a walk around the lot. I try to breathe in fresh air, look at the trees. I get an incline from town now and then I get a little bit of sun. It's awesome. A holiday is great, but it isn't a long term solution for stress. 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So like my, so like you know how like Texas like people from Texas like Backwood Rednecks or like sitting on oil fields and oil like multi-multi-multi-millionaires but they can like barely speak. Those are the people of Ridgewood. Now like my family who like, you know, we fricking, you know, they threw like a party for me because like when I, you know, scored like 25 points in a basketball game, I made the Ridgewood Gazette. You know, like I was like the kid that made it out of Ridgewood, doing comedy, whatever. Wow, that's brutal. You're the one who made it out of, you're the success story out of Ridgewood. I'm the success story out of Ridgewood until it was revealed that Jeremy Allen White lived in Ridgewood for a few years before he did the bear. And so now, so he gets the bear and I get two bears one day. So he, but, but so in, in, in Ridgewood, they had such a big German population to the point where if the not, this was explained to me, if the Nazis had successfully taken over Europe, they had like a plan, at least just some writings of them coming over and trying to take over the US. Like that was a real thing that submarines close to Long Island. And in that plan, they had one of the like main housing points for like their top generals, maybe even eight of was Ridgewood Queen. Your exact address. Yes. This is where they had served. So, you know, like it went around a lot, you know, recently, how like the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden 30s. The main catering came from two bakeries in Ridgewood. You were fucking making the loaves of bread and Nazis. Dude, so, and that's insane across the street for me. And that's not close, by the way. No, that's not close. Ridgewood's not close for MSG. No, no, no, no, no, they they they were like we are specifically they picked the trolley in from there. 100%. There was this guy who are older man who lived across street for me when I was a kid. And I would always play with, you know, like play with him and his grandkids. He was like just a cool, older guy in his seventies, eighties. My grandfather, who fought in World War II, would always play with, would always like hang with him. They were like, smokes the guards together, whatever. And then he died, right? And I didn't think anything of it. I just died. And then the massage was outside with a blow dart. God is as well. I didn't know because just being a little kid. And then it wasn't until years later, when I was talking, my grandfather died. And we were talking about my grandfather at the wake. And my one of my uncles was like, it's great how like, you know, your grandfather was like able to just like make a man's like, that's what was great about his characters. He could just forgive and forget, just keep moving on. And whatever. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, you know, like how his relationship was with Rudy. And I was like, what? And then he was like, what do you mean? He was like, you know, like with, I was like, oh, like the old man who lived across. He goes, yeah, Those guys, you know, there you are. They were on opposite sides and I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah, no idea. I was like, I thought they were war buddies. He was like, they weren't war buddies. They said they fought in the war. Oh my god. And so he was a Nazi. They're just a Nazi hanging out living across the street. That's insane. Yeah. Yeah. And then everyone was just cool with that. Yeah. I told my mom because now the house is worth like 20 times what it, what she paid for it. Like it, because Ridgewood has exploded. I was like, when people come over to look at the house, you'd say, oh, a Nazi used to live there. Right. Let's see what happens. See if you can bring it down. See if you can bring the vibe down. We'll do it. It is. It is one of those things where my mom has told me she's like, I'm like, mom, you should like sell the house. She's like, no, no, no, I don't want to sell the house. This is a family inheritance. She's like, you know, it is in the will when I die, when my mom dies, she's like, this is going to go to you. I want to make sure you and your family have to have an asset. And I said, mom, I'm going to sell the house at your funeral. So if you want to make the cash, if you keep, if you keep, not being able to sell the lyric, that thing's going fast. If you don't make bonus in Macgubes, you're selling that fucking house quick. I was like, mom, I, because she always wanted to go on like one of those European Viking cruises. And I was going to get her one. I mean, the, the, the, the, the, the Ridgewood racism is fucking that's the Europe. She wanted to see the, yeah, the, the plant, the, the plant, the originally, yeah. That's what she looked up to. So, and I was like, the Nazi neighbors fucking nuts. I'm doing it like a heartwarming story. It gets, you know, like, oh, isn't it great? Isn't it great how they could put, put, you know, put things aside. Yeah. Well, they, that and then like, and, and they put the, they would tell me like they became friends and how like, I used to play with like his grandkids. And I'm like, I'm where those kids now, like where his grand, they're, they're in the department of health and human services. They're fucking running ice right now. Yeah. They're wearing a ski mask and just trying to find anybody that has a tan. Yeah. To try and fucking deport them. Dude, the guy Dan Bonjano, but, but, but Gina from the, the head of the deputy director, the FBI. He's another, which would Queen's guy went to the same high school. I make so, I make so much fucking sense. Yeah. Those guys got so cooked. Now they have to pretend the Epstein list doesn't happen. I know. I saw that today. And there's no client list. I was like, come on, dude. Who do you think is more relieved Bert or Tom? Of the two, I think, I think Tom would do it to get into the Illuminati. Yes. And I think Bert could be peer pressured into it. If the other, just, if the other billionaires, so the other billionaires would like him. Yeah, because I mean, like, I don't think Bert would want to be a, they're like, Oh, we thought you were cool, man. Yeah. Oh, cool. You know, he's like, I think you would, with Tom would just be so burly having. And being like, this will get me a 10 year deal in Netflix, right? Yeah. He would just be calculated. And neither one would enjoy it. Don't get wrong. I don't think they're that kind of guy. Yeah. If I was like, Hey, Bert, like, you know, if you just have kids, it'll be a really good tour promo. Even Hawking's in the back. Check out the permission to party tour. I think the mindset of those two guys are like, are like, Tom always believed this was going to be his life. He was always going to be famous. He's always going to be a multi-millionaire. I respect that. Where Bert cannot believe this. You can't believe he made an attack. Which is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. The vi, no, Bert's vibe is like guy who wished on a genie lamp to be the biggest comedian on earth. Yeah. And he's just like, having a good ass time the whole time. Yeah, Tom. And that was fun. I mean, I will say the fun. That tour is the, the, the, the fully loaded tour is insane. Right. It's like just having a fucking party on 14 buses, which is the coolest shit. A bus is the fucking best dude. Yeah, but isn't it? Except you can't shit on it. Well, that's the thing is that's why I'm not interested in doing it at all because I'm like, I got a shit a lot. I know you mean it. So I did I take creatine shits. Dude, I, well, listen, I took some, what I ended up doing was the kind of the fat man's speedball, which it or like a non drugs, the shitting speedball, which is I took a lot of Pepto because I did a bus this last go around. And it was great, but I would do Pepto preemptively, but then I would also take Metamusel to help with digestion. Right. So they would be these fucked up. One stops you from shitting and one makes it so that like shit rockets out of your ass. Yes. And I would take, I would wake up in a fucking cold sweat. I'd be like, if you like nine a.m. I'd be in, I'd be in Memphis. You know, I'd wake up in a new city. I'd be like, I need to find a coffee shop. And I would just run for a coffee shop or a fucking, you know, Hilton Garden in pretending I'm there. I need to use the bathroom and I would take the most insane shit. You're like, because they, you get these like weird, like green, black, green pepto pistols. Yeah. But they would fucking rock it out of your ass. Yeah. And they'd be like pebble, like soft little pebbles. Yes. It looked like non lethal bullets. Honestly. Yeah. It looked like what they're shooting at like, you know, yeah, I was going to say, yeah, I hit that protester with that. But so do you be, but okay. So that's how you shit. But where do you shower? How does that shower at the venue? You want to live like that? I liked it. There's not a part of me that wants to do that. It was not, it was fun as hell. And I would tell you know, my best friend is my tour manager. He's bad at his job, but he's my friends. Of course, you know, but it's fun to hang out with. Yeah. I had JP McDade, the fucking, the bet, you know, one of the best comics. One of the tallest comic towers. Everyone was like six, seven, but me, which is hilarious. eldest is six, seven JP six, seven are videographer sexy sacks and he, he was like six, you're just five nine shitting pebbles. Thank you for five nine. I'm five, five, five, seven, but I really appreciate it. Yeah. Five nine. Thank you, man. I care myself. Yeah. I'm wearing heels. Yes. I'm wearing heels all the time. No, what I actually am. Here's what I do. I think it's a power move. I'm five eight, but I say five seven. Okay. Because most people that are five seven say they're five eight. So I think it's a power move thing. Because by the way, society doesn't five, seven, five nine, no one fucking gives a fuck. Right? So it's a power move to deduct one inch and be like, I don't even fucking care. I'm five seven. That's interesting. You know what I mean? I think more confidence. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. I think I think that's, well, you know, that's the thing about you is where your sex appeal comes in is over confidence. Like when you didn't have a tooth for a year, right? That's, you probably got the most pun on it. It was just like this guy doesn't care. Yeah. I went from getting the most pussy ever got to like having the only good relationship I ever had. Like a woman was like, I want to start a life with you when I was toothless. Even though she was, I will admit, there were times where I like met her friends. She was like, I really thought you were going to put the tooth in. When I met her family, we hilariously broke up four days after, but like we both met each other's family. She was just like put the fake tooth. She was like, we're not fucking around. Yeah. You're meeting my grandmother. Yeah. She's not going to think I'm getting some toothless pieces. Yeah. I don't know if she was. But she was. I actually missed the note tooth. I wish I had no tooth with a ponytail. That look would be next because no tooth ponytail chain. You just look like a, like a badass old school like Greek guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That really, the thing is with a guy like you. There's, because there's, there's a lot of guys like me. There's a lot of guys that got the stupid hair. You with a George, you know what I mean? You got like your piece of shit. You know, you're 40 years old. You're still trying to get into the NYPD. Like, there's a lot of, I still take up the test. You're taking the practice exams every day. Just just to stay sharp. There's a lot of guys like me. Yeah. There's not a lot of guys like you. True. True. Just not a lot of guys will come out here, the hair, the tooth, the shirts, like kind of just owning every hit of you. Hypertension takes a lot of guys like me. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a high. Yeah. It's just surviving. Yeah. If I could make it to 50, I'll be though. It's kind of like highlander. Right. Instead of killing each other, it's our own hearts that guys like me. Yeah. Guys like you have lifespans like you're in colonial America. Yeah. We have, yeah. We have like, I have a great Danes lifespan. It's like, but you're blood pressure cluster all that normal. It actually is weirdly normal. See? That's what I'm saying. That's a lot of common though. Yeah. It's going to be one. Yeah. There's going to be one doctor's visit. That's like, it's all going to hit it once. Yeah. What I mean? It's like, that's like my friend, huge drinker. He's had a drink at least one alcoholic beverage every day. Has not missed seven days a week, at least once at these 18 years. Oh my God. And he says he's perfectly fine. Of course, he's in the FDNY. Right. And then a week ago, they were out, you know, wherever they went. They go on like these random vacations because we're I'm the only one that has kids. So they don't even include me now. Like, I'll just wake up to a group text and they're like in ocean city Maryland or Florida. I'm like, they know like don't even invite to the real classy guy. Yes. The two places you fucking mention. Ocean city is fucking the ocean city. Fort Lauderdale, Atlantic City. That's where they go. And so, and so my, my boy was like, he's sitting in the group trying to go, oh, let's get something to eat. And then so they go down. I'm, you know, I'm not there. I'm just reading the text. And then one of my other friends is like, yo, he can't lift his arm. He can't get the fork to his mouth. His arm just stopped moving so that we haven't to pick up his arm and put his, get the food in because he realized he was down there. They were down there for seven days. He had an eaten in four days. Oh my God. Just drinking alcohol. Oh my. So I was like, so what's going to happen with a guy like that is the one day that God's just going to turn the switch on. Yeah. And then day by day, it's just boom. Oh, yeah. I mean, absolutely. At least I'm slowly done. Sure. You know, it's got you see it. You can make plans for it. You know, 100%. You remove every time you move a house and so that there's less stairs. Yeah. You see, there's no less things you have to climb. It's easier for you to life. And like, I, you know, people would look at me. You know, that's the picture they use. I mean, like they think. And then two separate life insurance policies have done the whole test. It's like, we can't sure you. I have fucking life. They were like, what is this like? He's a community. He's got a show in Saudi Arabia and his cholesterol is 400. Are you going to Saudi Arabia? Are you going to do that gig? I can't. I can't do it, can't take the Saudi man. I get it. I didn't want to do it either. I was I was contemplating. I was like, maybe not. And then Jasmine was like, well, we're getting there. We got the house. Who knows? We'll probably sell it again. I was like, I can't do it. And then she was like, you're going to take that fucking money. And I was like, okay, you're going to have a maid. It doesn't have access to her passport, whether you like it or not. You're a Filipino woman who's trapped in the desert. Well, I'll never see your family. Well, what's good about it? A gig like that for me personally is this is one where like, it's not even like, there's no question Jasmine can't come. There's more, there's no more endangered species than a mouthy Puerto Rican woman in Saudi Arabia. It wasn't, it wasn't even questioned like, because normally when I go overseas, it's like, Jasmine, it's like, if you do come, yeah, just know you're coming back headless. Yeah, that's what I know, dude, so, but so that's Saudi Arabia spooky to me. Sam morals going, I know the Jews I've talked about, yeah, we've talked about it. He's like, he was like, dude, you don't like, if shit goes down over there, you got my back, I was like, I'm going to grab his stone too. Yeah, I'm going to join the mom and get out of here. I'm going to get home. I was like, I can't wrist it. Yeah, it's a setup. What are you talking about, dude? It's like Sam. Yeah. Yeah, you think you're, yeah, you're, you're there to say, you're, you're there is like to throw them off the sand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get all of a sudden I start yelling, show shot off, damn, dude, I mean, whatever. It's fun. I mean, all entertainment money is fucking bloody one way or the other anyway. I think too, man, with the world the way it is, it's like, that's how I feel. It's like, you know, dude, you go down these rabbit holes and then you're like, even like I was, you know, giving money to like the green initiatives and then like something pops up where it's like, this is a scam. Right. You're giving money. And then you're like, try to do the work to like look into, is it or is it not then you just get exhausted and you're like, I don't, dude, I don't know anymore at all. Yeah. Like I, even, even with health, I was eating, you know, to like help my cholesterol like all this yogurt, like yogurt, Fiji yogurt, the diet, dude, the Mediterranean diet. That is why your numbers are so good because that Mediterranean diet, dude. Dude, you know, no, people, people say this shit all the time. Here's my theory. Potatoes. Here's my theory of why Greeks have the highest like, you know, like life expectancy is because I promise you, people are, are pretending their dead relatives are alive to keep taking retirement checks. I promise you, the reason Greek, Greek life expectancy is like 90 on average just because someone who died at 68, their family has been pretending he's alive and catching his fucking, you know, his fucking retirement pay. So you say for 20 years. So you're saying their stress is down. They don't have any problems. Is that what I'm saying? No, no, I'm saying the numbers are inflated, I'm saying mathematically have the people that died at 88, died at 52 of the heart attack, eating fucking lamb chops and rocking, drinking fucking, you know, that's seen now. I get it. It's all a mathematical anomaly because we're committing fraud. Yeah. That's my, that's my real theory on why Greek, although I will say my uncle is maybe the fattest guy I've ever seen in my life, and like fat in a way that hit, like his body composition makes Bert look like a twink, right? He's got, he's, he's fat, but it's like, if, like his belly is like a gem bay, like you hit it goes, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, like it's taught as fuck, it's like, he's got the kind of fat that feels like muscle that's clearly, like, constricting his organ 100%. He said diabetes for 30 years. He will. No medicine. Yeah. We'll just say he takes whatever medicine was invoked 30 years ago and he's just eats like a fucking piece of shit. Still like, he's like, almost eight, he's like in the seventies now, still kicking, fat as hell. I mean, he is losing, he's lost, he's lost sight in one of his eyes, maybe his feet are coming soon. But, you know, who knows? But you know what, dude, because I saw a guy, it was in no great restaurants, by the way. Oh, yeah. Is the fucking best. Of course. Exactly what, dude, I'm telling you, man, I, when I got this news about, cause, cause when Apple was, I go in, I thought I was like in good shape, whatever. And then the doctor comes back with the blood results. So normally they just email you or give you a call, but I got a call from the reception. It's like the doctor wants to see, personally, the doctor's taking a car to your home right now. There's no more time to waste. I hope your affairs are in order. I got hauled into the office. So I go in there, and he literally was almost like, not scolding me, but he was a little bit like, I go in, I'm like, oh, hey, Doc, how are you? He's like, good. He goes, let me ask you a question, Chris. He goes, you're a relatively smart guy. Right? I was like, yeah, I don't know if I'm smart, I was like, I have an education. You're like, no. Yeah. Next question. Yeah. You have an education. You got to fucking, the education of being like getting a scholarship is a white Italian basketball player against you. Yeah. I'm not exactly the most rich. Where'd you go to fucking school? Archbishop Malone. Where'd you go to fucking college? St. Joseph's college. Yeah. I'm like, you want to call that a fucking double Catholic education? Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I went to private school. He's like, uh, it says you went to St. Mathias. I'm like, all right, I went to Catholic school. Yeah. But he goes, he goes, if I was to tell you that your total cholesterol is 300, do you think that's a good number or a bad number? The way you teach babies colors is this, is this elephant gray or pink? Yeah. And then I go, and then I was like, I was like, well, you know, it depends. I was like, 300's good and baseball. I'm Teddy Ball game. Yeah. And he, I'm the Ted Williams of cholesterol. And he goes, and he goes, it's a bad number. And I was like, yeah, and I was like, and I go, yeah, but I eat right. He goes, no, you don't. And then I swear he goes, he goes, let's, let's do this. He goes, what is the last foods like the last two weeks of eating? What does that look like? And I was like, Oh, I think it's been pretty healthy. He's like, what is, what does that look like? And he asked me to take out my phone. And then he was like, if you look back at your calendar, usually that jars your memory of what you ate. And it actually works. I never even looked like you could look back at some 10 days ago and see, Oh, I did, you remember. Oh, I remember meals. Boom. Yeah. And so, so we figured out in 14 days, when I really, you gave me like 30 minutes, I was like, think about this and write this down. I had had in 14 days, something like 15 egg cheese and avocado sandwiches, the avocado's healthy though. That's what I mean in there. Yeah, but it's like eggs, cheese, and the bread and ketchup. And then I had 22 slices of pizza every day. You've had very balanced. So he was like, and then I was like, yeah, but I've had salads with it, whatever. He was a plastic fat guy move. Yeah. When I was opening for Bobby Kelly, our move would, we would get wings, but also salads. And we'd be like, well, yeah, that's fucking healthy, it's protein and fucking lettuce. That's it. That's it. Fucking pouring ranch on all. Yeah. But anyway, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. And then he goes, and then he goes, oh, you have, you know, what you can do is if you wanted to keep eating the pizza, I said, well, maybe I could keep eating the pizza, just take the cheese off. He was like, no. Yeah. He was like, it's baked in the oil and he was like, so also why, what are you getting out of that? That's what I know. I'm going to eat it, but he said what he literally, he was like, look, dude, this was in April. He was like, I'm going to give you till September, okay? You have till September. If your numbers do not come down by September, I have no choice but to put you on medication. Like, you have now reached the end. He's like, because you've been telling me for five years that you're going to get it in check. Yeah. And he was like, it's never been 300. It's always been like 200, 220, back down to 210, he goes, but I don't know what happened to you. And then I go, I think one of the protein powders I've been using is high in cholesterol. He's like, that's not it. Yeah. It's not the protein powder. It's my, the protein powder I've been using, you who, powdered and that's quick. Yeah. Chocolate milk has protein. And so now what I've been doing though now is I've been taking, you ever heard of burberine? No. So it's like a natural, like, so this is the newest bullshit you've believed in. No. Every time we talk, you're into some bull, you were into God for a while. Is that over? Relatively over. Yeah. Yeah. But then when I saw Joe Rogan back on, I was like, maybe I should get back on, but like I can't listen to it. So now I'm back on. Oh, you know how many shitty fucking open bikers are going to start going to church now? I know. The way these pretend to be into MMA, they're like, I love St. Paul and the epistol letter to the appeasions. Yeah. Yeah. I go, I'm like, hey, I'm Chrissy Corinthians. Well, just kill Tony minutes about the Virgin Mary. Yeah, awesome. She was. Just going off on the Philistines and having sick crazy bits about Joseph. But so, so, so, but, but so this. The reason why I like burberry and red yeast rice is because for me, the one thing, if the Chinese have been using it for years, I'm in, dude. And the Chinese are all about burberry and red yeast rice because they don't really do, I mean, they do statins and all that and the pharmaceuticals. But that's what they've been doing and they have like year after year, some of the lowest cholesterol. They've also been walking. They've also been steamed vegetables and like, you know, they haven't had, they don't even know what cheese is in half of China. So I think there's a little more you can take from the Chinese than their, than their oriental powders. I take it. It's so funny. I'm trying to live like this Chinese lifestyle. I'll take all, I don't take any of the vegetables of the steam food. All I do is take the red yeast rice and then smoking cigarettes, hovering off the floor. Gambling. Gambling cigarettes. I'm saying openly, I hate Taiwan, I'm like, why is my cholesterol going down? Yeah, man, but what'd you do for the Fourth of July? I mean, that's a fat boy holiday. Oh, Fourth of July. I went to also bird. - You know, Bob asked us about it. - Yeah, 'cause we're gonna ask what-- - What did you eat, though? Let's go there. - Okay, so actually, for Fourth of July, I went down to my aunt's house and what happened was, is I don't really, I've been trying not to drink as much, but I had two back-to-back spot and beers. That's thing, my family goes in with some heavy German beers and I was just throwing back spot and my anylene. And it was just funny. Literally, when it was culturally cool to be Italian, you were Italian. And now that you have the country is not, you're like, "I'm German now, I'm drinking spot and beer. "Let's deport everyone who's not white. "This is what my family's always believed." - I'm more goodfell, I don't even fucking like sports as. - Yeah, as soon as the Chinese take over, I'm just sitting on the floor, I just-- (laughing) - I have the things through my hair. (laughing) - Oh, the de Stefano's, no, Rizwood was a fucking child. They used to call it little Beijing. - Yeah, it's fucking-- - You just keep fucking changing, you fucking-- - I just pay with everything in yet. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So Fourth of July, I had these back-to-back spotings and I got a buzz 'cause once it started mixing with that burbering and red yeast rice, I just-- - Oh, shit. - So I started getting crazy. - German and, yeah, German and Chinese, you got the powders in the beer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So all my inhibitions kinda like-- - That's two types of people that love getting fucked up. - 100%. - Don't sleep on the Chinese. - No. - They get absolutely hammered. - Yeah. - And don't sleep on the Japanese. Historically, the Japanese get absolutely hammered. And all Japanese might be the biggest-- Actually, you know, maybe Japanese is even more, 'cause do the Chinese get that fucked up? 'Cause I do-- My Asian friends, I guess I'm thinking of Koreans, they would drink through, they would get like flushed. That's like a thing people talk about, the flushed. And that's how much they love getting fucked up. They would be bright red, just so fucking fucked up. And they loved it, man. And yeah, the Japanese, that drinking culture's fucking insane. - Insane. - Insane. - And you just-- - And you would love to do 'cause you can fuck prostitutes and it doesn't count as cheating. - Which is, which I think, I'm not gonna go as far as-- That is the one thing I like about Mondani's campaign. - What's the decriminalized system? - That's the thing we all circled in the neighbor. We're like, "Hey, fuck this guy, accept that one." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And we don't want a living wage. - Yeah, yeah. - We don't want to be able to afford rent. - But prostitutes. - But prostitutes. - Yeah. - So, but I think, you know, with the Japanese, they also too, historically, we're just-- Dude, the way that they used to beat the shit out of the Chinese, you ever look into that? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, God, just crushed them. But so, I put a lot of the reason bring up to say a lot of the Japanese veterans are like, "We were just hammered. We were all drinking, doing drugs, and we were just killing everybody." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - They're not really an excuse. - No, but committed genocide. - Yeah. - And being like, "I had too much sake." - Yeah. - So I fucking, so I leveled the village. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Sake bomb. - Yeah. - They, but so we ate. - It's hilarious how much revisionism for the access powers you've done in the last hour. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm like telling you how German I am, and then I'm like, "Hey, you know what, "do the Japanese were just as bad? "Look into it, dude. "Look into Unit 731. "They were real scumbags." They killed like a hundred people. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So what happened was I've been pretty good on the diet, but I started drinking, getting hammered on these spots, and then all of, dude, I realized, like throughout the course of 20 minutes, I ate an entire like family-sized bag that my aunt and uncle had out for the family of ruffles potato chips, and another family-sized bag of remnants. - Ooh, ruffles, ruffles, just plain potato chips. - Plain. - Plain. And then to try to wash it all off, I was like, all right, you know what, I'm not gonna have a cheeseburger. - Yeah. - And so, and then, but then, it kind of, I was like, you're not gonna have a cheeseburger, you gotta pay for this, and then it got to, all right, to have a burger and no cheese. And then it got to, just have the meat. And then it got to, you know what, it's 4th of July, it's a holiday, just have a double cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, yeah, that'll show. - And then I was like, maybe I'll just go walk a little bit. - And then let's go walk to this 4th of July celebration. - Of course. - And it just went off the rails, dude. And I literally woke up July 5th, being like, you absolute, this is supposed to be America's birthday. - Right, right. - Look what you did to your body. - What about you? - You're disgusting. Yeah, I love, I mean, for you like, great, I will say for you like is the one time that the rest of America shits on New York City. - Right. - Right, and I love New York, best city. You know, I'll never leave here. I love living here. I have a place of Baltimore for my, you know, visit my family. - Beautiful place. - I love it here. - Yeah, yeah, you were there. I love it here. But I will say 4th of July is a total suburbs backyard. - 100% pool. Shitty pool, just got the chlorine in. - I don't want to be on a rooftop in Williamsburg. - No, there's like 40 people, you're fucking, you're like this. They're passing around like artisan sausages. - Yeah, I know, I want a shitty dog. I want burgers that were fucking frozen, right? This can't be high quality meat. I want to eat four, I want to eat four shitty burgers. I want to eat one, maybe nine hot dogs throughout the day. A hot dog, the way you eat or derves at a wedding, I want to eat hot dogs. I eat hot dogs like they're pigs on the blanket on Fourth of July. - But chilling on a lawn or on a backyard. - I'm in a ball in a shitty pool. - I got to go, I don't want to walk up, your six floor walk up at three point. I need to kind of pull the guy who owned it is so, he's leveraged up to his eyeball. He took a second mortgage for his pool, he can't afford it. He thought it would make his wife love him again. He's gonna lose the house. We don't know this is a going away party. This Fourth of July barbecue. But that's the vibe I want. - What you want then, what you want, I've only went once. What you want to do is go to Paul Verzi's house. (laughing) - To Paul Verzi's back to your house. - I've been to Verzi's house. - I've been to the Fourth of July party though. - No, no, no. I've got God willing to get the invite next year. - I would love to do that. - Dude, it gets so crazy that instead of the cops and firemen coming to shut it down, they just go there preemptively and join it. (laughing) So as soon as the neighbors start calling the cops and firemen, they're like, no, no, we know. We're making sure it's safe 'cause we actually can't stop it. - Right, right. - It's like a 55 minute. - Respect. - Dude, and then what happens is it's just in conjunction, everyone starts singing the national anthem. It just happens. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And you start singing it on repeat. - Yeah. - I mean, that does make me patriotic. That's when it's like, when some, and I'm not saying this about Verzi, but it's like, that is another beautiful thing. The fireworks display is like, there's some straight men that are so repressed, that it's their only form of expression, is like getting illegal fireworks and putting together the sicka. They think about it all year. They're like, I have to have the best one. And there is something beautiful, but it's like, it's like how parade used to be awesome in the thirties 'cause every clause did gay guy. It was the only time you could think of fabulous outfits. - Yeah, I think I'm happy for gay liberation, but you have to admit, parades in America have really dipped in quality. - They have. - You know, since gay people were allowed to be out of the closet. - Yeah. - And that's the fireworks display, sort of like that, for a guy who won't talk about his feelings, feels inadequate as a man. His life is passed and by. His cholesterol is 300. He's not responding to statins. This might be his last fucking summer. He needs to fucking spend 1400 dollars on illegal Pennsylvania fireworks. - Exactly. - There's nothing more beautiful. - Yeah, I'm going down to the Delaware Water Gap. - Yeah, I'm going to have these M80s. I'm going to show you that I'm alive. - I'm going to the Joe Biden Memorial Firework. You know, stands and buying them tax-free. - Do you think so? What is your going off-births question? 'Cause this is what we can get into. What do you think of what's your favorite American holiday? - I do think for these lives the best. - Wow, it's not even close in my opinion. You know, the holidays are fine. Thanksgiving, Christmas, classic stuff, whatever. But 4th of July really is the one. And by the way, Greece won the Euro Cup on 4th of July. At this point, maybe 20 years, it was 2004. So 21 years ago. So I literally had the best 4th of July in my life when I was 14. Is that that long ago? - No. - 14 years, holy fuck. - 34? - I'm 36. I was six. So in 2004, it's 21 years ago. - 15. - You were 15. - Wow, damn. The reaper's coming for us. - So crazy dude. - Dude, when did you hit 40? It's like, it blows your mind. Like, I'm 40. - I feel like I've been 40 since I was 30. Like, when I turned 29, I was 40. Like, I'm the kind of guy. 40 is gonna be my peak. Like, I haven't even gotten to where I need to be. As of, you know, having like a diner owner, physiognomy, it's like 40 is where I peak. You know, 40 to 54. And then it's gonna be a quick, yeah, quick. - Damn it. - Damn it down to the hundred percent dude. - Dude, I'm gonna crush those next 12 years. - Yeah, dude. - You're not getting, you're, you're, you're going in a wheelchair. - Exactly. - Happily. - By the way, like, I'm gonna try and keep it together. Maybe have a family, maybe be like an uncle until my nephew, you know, my brother just had a kid. I wanna be around until they're like, you know, adult, like in the mid 20s. After that, dude, I'm getting so fucking fat. I'm eating apple pie with every foot. I'm having pie after every meal. I'm treating my life like it's Thanksgiving weekend. - Right. - After, you know, maybe 55. - Dude, I mean, it's well, it's how shit whittling. My dick hasn't worked in a decade. - Okay, it doesn't matter. - By the way, that's how it should be. - Yeah. - You should go out a big, sexless blob. - Right. - It's just watching television. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? Watching your favorite movies, eating like shit. Well, that'll get you actually, I think, 'cause I was saying before, I was in Salt Lake City and I saw this old dude, this group of old guys. They all, every single one of, I mean, these guys were old, like 80s, 90s, they looked like de-trepid old, but they were all talking. They were all wearing like, you know, they're fricking fisherman hats and they're veteran hats. And they were all of them had double chocolate chip muffins, open face toasted with butter. - Butter, all of them. - Now that's gonna make me start crying. - Yeah. - That's actually patriotic. How fat America is is the most patriotic I feel. - Yeah. - 'Cause we, other countries can't even consider the damage we do to ourselves at a buffet. Oh my god, they don't even have a concept of, do you know, like even in America, like our blood pressure like standard 120 over 80 cholesterol They want it to be under 200 these are like the numbers if you have these numbers in America. They're like great job guys in France If you had the numbers that they're we're applauding here They would put you in the emergency Like if your cholesterol's over a hundred in France to like what are you doing quick get this guy is cigarette and have him Have an affair with an underage teenage or you know that'll that'll cure him. Yeah, feed him a bag get somehow No, be healthier than us, but he told me this guy I literally I couldn't believe because I see these older guys And I walked up and I was like, sir, I just want to ask like like you're eating this muffin Yeah, you know like how are you eating this muffin at your age like what is it? He goes he literally has almost like was preparing for this question He goes do you know the difference is between my generation and your generation son? I said what he goes you're gonna eat the muffin and then stress all day about eating the muffin He goes I eat the muffin. I enjoy the muffin and then I move on and forget about the muffin Yeah, so my stress he was like the thing if that's killing you ate the muffin. It's a stress about the muffin Yeah, which by the way, what the fuck does that guy know? Yeah, I know he just wanted genetic lottery Yeah, nobody knows shit. Yeah, that's that you really are some one of those global guys of all time You're fucking putting Chinese powders in your seat. You're being a some old guy Told me he's not stressing over the muffin Yeah, and that's the in there. You're trying not to be stressed. You'll you're a stretch. You will stress Yeah, that's the you'll never not stress. I feel like you're a stretch. You're a nervous guy I just have to get out of so what is it then? How do I you think I just have to be I just have to radically accept that This is who I am which that's another thing you're into now radical I've never heard you say radical acceptance for the 10 years. We've known each other You've said it four times in this hour So that's another new thing you're into do radical acceptance proclaim your rarity Yeah, I don't know dude. I think probably just eating a little better and you're stressed because you've moved you've Pretended you're not married for a decade So they're just getting married and building a life with who is clearly your life partner. Yeah, children with yes You're stressed because you change addresses every fucking six months. Like you there is something you do need to just accept that your life is pretty sick Yeah, stop trying to you keep trying to like bite off more than you get you for no reason right because your life rules Yeah, you have hit a lottery like with the amount of fuck both of us with the amount of hard work and talent We've had how much money we make is fucked up crazy like it is like the only reason people shouldn't kill us in the streets Because they should be killing Jeff Bezos in the street right like he the fact that there's an ultra rich class Make who like that cocksucker made a $50 million. You know Amazon drivers are pissing and fucking Gatorade bottles to make their deliveries Because you know you ordered a frisbee right god forbid it doesn't get there in a day and a half for like guys getting five The Amazon shock collar is gonna awful the driver and fucking Jeff Bezos had a $50 million wedding That's what that's who they should you know kill and kill stuff But if it wasn't for them podcaster we don't do anything that we have No, I mean like no we got so fucking lucky so it's like yeah, dude. Just enjoy how cool your life is Just get a nice house stop trying to fucking move and get the perfect put just set your route Like you do need to actually radical terms might be good for you because it's like your life's pretty good Stop trying to fucking bite off more than that. Well, that's what I think since I've been practicing radical I've been that's why I think it because my favorite holiday by the way is January 6th Where you mad when shot the silver you were mad Trump guy legs you're like well No January 6th this year I'm bringing up because you know what happened is So I had the engagement ring for my for jasmine for like months, dude I had it and I was just like couldn't pull the trigger couldn't pull the trigger and then it's a random Monday morning It's like 7 a.m. I'm the kids are getting ready for school. I'm downstairs. It's January 6th of this year And I'm watching the news and they're talking about January 6th and I just Get this home over me where I say no matter what everything's gonna be okay this nation this marriage willing to work And I literally go I tell my steps and I go hey get the ring. Yeah, so he goes up there and gets it He puts his viking helmet on yeah And gets and then literally I made decision at 7 a.m. By 7-15 we were fully engaged in the living room on a Monday morning I had all the kids sitting on the couch, so I actually did it in a way where it was cool all the kids were there sitting on the couch I had my stepson record the whole thing and you want to be recording the top of our heads, right? But I record all thing and then jazz is in the kitchen like making breakfast I love that it's next like your stepson screen recorded pornography probably Yeah, he's like next to your camera roll like the most touching moment of your life Yeah, like some girl on TikTok shaking her ass Yeah, some streamer having a nip slip. Yeah, that's his saved videos Yeah, but anyway, just next to his text his group chat about how much he hates his hate to step dad Yeah, yeah, um so but so we're sitting there and then I'm like hey jazz is like making you know breakfast like do being a mom like do the mom a Monday a Monday think about this. Yeah January 6th first day back from school right after full Christmas break So she is in like the kids are not getting up mom mode has been like deactivated for two weeks She is apps. She's exhausted. Yeah, I got to make lunch for all three kids none of them want the food Yeah, they the monster saying yes to focus on pod. He can't help out. Yeah, everybody make a baloney sandwich He's thinking of riffs for yawness right now Yeah, I'm like hang on after jog and meditate at the same time. I'm trying I'm doing radical acceptance I've accepted. I'll never help you with anything. Yeah. Yeah, you should do. Yeah, I'm literally not helping I'm snorting Burberry and off the coffee table So so she's I'm like hey like I got I'm like down on one knee with in the living room with the ring and I'm yelling I'm like jazz come on can you come in here for a second and she's screaming at me. She's like Chris I cannot I have to make all the practice of the kids you don't do the dishes last night She's like did you get to school uniforms later? I'm like they're not gonna wear the uniforms today babe And so and she's like Chris I'm not and then she's like cursing at me in Spanish. She's like all of camera Yeah, and then she walks in. I'm just standing there like with the ring and she you know Obviously was like so happy my daughter was like we're finally gonna be a family Good God the fucking the therapy you've caused these kids What they think a husband should be yeah, you are fucked by the way I can't wait to see where they start dating. Oh, which non-committal fucking Stay fucking start dating. Well, so I Well, the thing the the kind of lie that I've convinced myself is the truth that I've told my oldest daughter It's like well, the reason why I wait is because I wanted you my oldest daughter to have memories of the wedding hilarious So that's why I waited when it's really just like daddy just needed to kind of get to a place where he just radically accepted Yeah, and also to make sure that you know his cholesterol is so high He's realizing health wise he couldn't do better. Yeah, even though financially you're doing well right at this point You wouldn't find a woman who would so you know you need someone who's gonna change your catheter You know me in a couple years. Yeah, and that you you realized that's where you are now I know like I tell my family like after we get engaged I'm like we're gonna do the the the wedding you know on this date and my daughter and my family is like finally We're gonna be settled. I was like it's gonna be great. I was like I've also put an offer in a new house Wait, what I thought we're gonna be so I was like we're closing we're closing in a month Yeah, and it's got the yard. It's got the pool and this is what it is but my therapist actually did tell me last week She was like you know, I gotta be honest. She was like over the last year She was like the commitments that you've made to your fiance to buying a home to staying on top of your health She's like I am I we are all pretty proud of you Wow, and I was like thank you like thank you and she's like all right That should keep him on the hook for another two years Like I can't believe I fucking I've let I've milked him this long Yeah, I know he hasn't made progress in a decade I know I always behaving the way a 30-year-old should be 40 whatever I always I always think like I have like this great therapist and then they'd always rear and then I'm always reminding that maybe they're not because they they Asked me to pay them through Venmo I'm just Venmoing some lady. Yeah, yeah, some lady just sitting in our way you buy ketamine is the way you fucking get therapy That's beautiful man. That's a real love story right there is you finally finally getting engaged the woman You have three children with yes, yeah, to the woman who like she like literally like I for the longest I was like yeah, but look in the will if anything happened like you would inhabit everything just like you have my wife Yeah, yeah, but I'm not your wife. Yeah, it is hilarious. What what was the hang up there to fully full 100% not accepting You know kind of like just you were gonna do better at some point that and that's the thing and then you realize like oh No, I hit the lotto with her too My family and it's like anything that you want that you're always like searching for like more what's out there Maybe this could be better. Maybe that could be better and then it kind of just hit me I think from literally just being mentally exhausted of like my life is going by and I'm not even understanding any of it Or I'm never in the present event and I said to myself dude everything you have is like such a blessing So just you have a beautiful family if beautiful me have a beautiful career. Everything is fine Yeah, just like this is like the life that because I sometimes I think we all think as people some of us think as people like Oh when X happens I'll be happy when X happens when this happens in my career. I'll feel good And it's like you know life is happening now. It's about the journey and we this is what Chris says then like two weeks some Me too allegations drop Yeah, just trying to get ahead of them. You're like I'm a family man. How could I get a fucking 19 year old? Well, that's a beautiful man. I think that's gonna do it for episode one of the summer bears Chris and stop take over. We hope you guys had a wonderful time. We hope we haven't lost too many of the sponsors That's right. We also don't give a fuck fuck you, Tom. You made a big mistake putting putting two fucking idiots in your pocket. Yeah. I can't. I wish there was valuations to see how much this drops in six weeks. We'll find out. We had a blast. Thank you guys for listening. We will be back next week and every week. I think for the next, where are your summertime boys? We're summertime boys. Thank you guys. Hope you had fun. And honestly, fucking, if you have shit that you want us to talk about, if you have topics you want to do, if you have like, is there stuff you want us to, you know, should we look into to should we do a segment every episode where it's like, how would we improve two bears one king? Like, is there stuff you want us to do? Is there stuff? Is there things that Burton Tom have done that you want us to comment on? Do you want us to kill ourselves? That's also another thing. Do you hate this even more than the regular show? That's probably what's going to happen. Because if I listen to a podcast, if two guys I liked and then two dickheads, I don't know, just show it up. I'd be pissed about it. You're like, okay, this, this is already two bears, one cave views are always going down already going down and then you bring in Chris and Stovey and they talk about Berberine for an hour. Now I'm supposed to watch for green and Nazis. That's the show. What the hell? So yeah, we don't actually give a fuck either way. We're just here having a good time. We're here with Benson Spoon. We're going to have a nice summer here. But yeah, this is like we said, we're your fucking, we are your substitute teachers. We're rolling in a movie on that cart every fucking week. Every day. And we hope you have a good time. We'll see you next week. Bye guys. [BLANK_AUDIO]