The Summer Bears Phone It In w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Hey gang, I am gonna be on tour starting this September. I'm gonna be in London, September 7th, second show added in London. Then we're gonna be in Dublin on September 12th. After that, coming to America, November 6th in Memphis, then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Mertle Beach, Classy Mertle Beach, Austin, and Boston, and we will be adding more shows soon, but if you wanna come see me, please check me out there. That's it baby. And then I will be the big one, September 5th, Chicago Theater, September 11th, Theater at Madison Square Garden, and then September 27th, Saudi Arabia baby. So come see me, I'm also in Boston in October. Got a shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier, just go to chrisdekomedy.com for Tiki Wickeys. Thanks for all the support. One hundred percent. - What's up everybody? Welcome to the final episode of Summer Bears with Chris De Stefano and Stavros Halikus. - Halkey is motherfucking in it. - Halkey is. - The eye is after the key, it's okay. - And Stavros Segura. - Dude, by the way. - By the way, Tom now. - Yeah, I think we switched. - Yeah, you know, we aren't Tom. I thought about this actually because a lot of our dynamic is me needling you to tell embarrassing stories. - Yes. - And that kind of is Tom and Bert. - That is Tom and Bert. - Tom kind of sits back and goes, oh, tell me about that horrifying thing that your family is gonna be pissed about, you revealing? - Yes. - That's kind of what I do to you. - Yeah, even though I'm fat. - Yeah, open up your comedy special, talking about your daughter's period. (laughing) And see it and then in the film are in school. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I, by the way, you do look nice in that purple shirt, which is probably the same color as Bert's liver. (laughing) - What's the royal color? - I think, he doesn't have a disease, but he has a royal liver. - And that's true. - You know, look it at that way. - Now, this is our final summer at the start. - The last one. - This is our final. - I actually can't believe six, it's six weeks. - This is the six weeks. - We were only supposed to be signed on for five. They let us go to six because Tom and Bert just don't want to do it. - No, no, no. I mean, we think this is our last one. If they make us a big enough offer, we'll come back again. But listen, we know we got the bargaining power now. - Yeah. - I thought, honestly, I had no idea what to expect. I was like, oh, Chris, it'll be fun. I love doing pods with Chris, Tom and Bert. Love those guys, if we can do him a solid. - Yeah. - Great. I thought people would hate, 'cause like, I'm trying to conceive of a world where you step into someone's podcast and everyone's not pissed off. - Right. - Right, like to me, I was like, this doesn't make any sense. They listen for you guys. I have been shocked at how much people love this episode. - Dude, our episodes. - People have been stopping me in the stream. They'd be like, thank you for taking over two bears. It almost feels like someone is making them listen to this podcast. - Yeah. - I don't understand. - Yeah, it's almost like they're strapped in the fucking clockwork orange chair and they have to watch two bears one game. And it's like, oh my God, thank God it's two guys. Two guys we don't really know that well. - Yeah, it's a better show. I have to go back and watch. I guess the show sucks. - Yeah. - I always have fun when I do it. I didn't realize people hate it, but this has been great for me. 'Cause this is sort of like the, this is kind of how I want to do, this is what I think of my, what I want in my life. I would love to be a like second husband step father. Because, and it's just nice. Someone has set the bar so low. - Sure. - You're Tom and Bert are sort of like the guy that knocked the lady up. - Right. - In high school. - Right. - Promise they'd be there forever. - They changed. - Right. - They didn't treat her well anymore. They're off to Hollywood. - Right. - And now we're just some guy who pays the bit. We don't do, we're not doing a good job. - No, we're just not, I guess, just really bad at it. - I don't even understand. - They said the bar so nice and low. We're just kind of fucking around and people act like this is the best entertainment they've ever had in their lives. - I kind of feel like where are those guys? That like, you know, like we're on an NBA team. And like, you know, the team, the starters are blowing the other team out and the fans start to cheer for, we want, stop being crispy, we're like a seven, eight Chinese guy. - Yes. - And then he gets up and takes off and they're like, "Ah!" But you can only have him play for a minute or two. - Oh, of course. - So maybe it's gonna be, you know what? We come in every six weeks, whatever it may be. - Yeah. - To be honest, I was really worried that you, 'cause you've had this problem in the past. Anytime anything semi-successful happens, you decide to change your whole life and plan it around that. - Yes. - I'm really dreading the phone call. I'm gonna get in two weeks when you're late on your mortgage. It's like summer bears. Let's make it every week. - You know what I mean? - I'm really, like don't, let's not do that. - We all do the thing where it's like things are getting really, really good and I'm like, let's stop it here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's stop this. - We could actually go on to superstar and I'm like, why do that? - Should we suffer? - That's what Marcus really is said to do. - Let me tell you the first, oh, I love that. You're into stoicism now. - Yeah. - Is now, I've been for four years. - Okay, okay. I can really tell, you're a very stoic guy. - Yeah. - You didn't talk about fucking a media company fucking you over on the last episode for half hour. That's how Marcus really is when he handled it. - Yeah, what I give was I talked about a media company for whole- - Disrespecting you. - Yeah, for 30 minutes feeling disrespected, like a little bitch and then I begged Benson Spood to add it in all out. (all laughing) It's a 20 minute episode. - Yeah, then he just let it all rip and now I'm being actively sued by that media company. (all laughing) - Hey, if you want to sue me, get in line. Today's the one of the first days we've recorded this episode. They didn't have to run right out and go to court. - Go to court, that's true. - Yeah, that is true. But no, I wanna be very clear, we are, this is it. There is no, we're not making a podcast. - No. - We're not, there's, there's something about, life is, like these are little surprises. I didn't even expect this to be this fun. - No, I really thought there was gonna be bullshit. - Yeah. - And I was just kinda doing it because whatever. - Right, we're gonna know who gives a fuck. - Right. - It'll be fun. - It'll be fun, me and you've been friends a long time. - Yes. - We don't talk. - I always have fun when you do my pines. - Right, we don't talk every day and now it's like, we catchin' up with each other. - It is nice. - It's been nice, like, oh, our friendship is blossoming here. - It absolutely has. And, but that's the thing, these things are beautiful. They just, they are. - They, you don't have, let's not commodify everything. - Yes, let's let the summer bears be a memory we have. - Right. - This is like, when you're, plenty of these listeners, now they're 40-year-old men, 40-year-old women, the love is gone from their lives. - Right, right. - And you're jacking off to the, you know, getting fingered in a car when you're 18. You couldn't have married the guy that fingered you. - No. - If it became a long-term relationship, you would start to hate us, too. - Yes. - Right, but we're just here. We're the guy you cheat with and always, we're the ones that got away. Let us be your podcast, ones that got away, folks. We will not be here, this will not continue, but this is, it was fun. - It was fun. - Summer lovin'. - Summer lovin'. - Summer lovin'. - And this podcast was okay, for six weeks. The podcast was okay, no, no, no. - It wasn't good. - Yeah, we just both turned it to John Travolta, just massaging the voice. We just, yeah, the one I was living in, John, we just, John Travolta holding our ass open for a masseuse. - Yeah, yeah. - Remember that? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Oh yeah, he was trying to get those asses like, "Fuck it fast," or whatever. - Yeah. - Now I love that we're saying all this and then we leave here and the head of the network is standing there with an immediate guaranteed offer for another season to sign it on the spot with Yamaha's own. - Just right away, full, youngies on it. And we are back for, hey, it's not the summer bears, it's the fall bears. - Fall bears. - Autumn bears. - Hey, pumpkin bears, we're back, it's a different show. - Yeah. - We swap seats, we have a different set, but coming to you live from a wicker basket, you know. But, you know what, it was, it was one of those things where I didn't even know, 'cause when I got a call about it, I was like, what? Well, I didn't even know what was happening. - Yes. - 'Cause then Tom was like, "Hey, I really need to talk to you." And I was like, "Oh, when Tom texts me, I really need to talk to you, call me back, it's important." I genuinely thought that maybe his phone got hacked and our text messages got leaked. (laughing) Because the things that Tom and I say back and forth to each other is a felony effect. - Sure, sure, sure. - So I was like, "Oh, maybe I'm gonna, maybe this is bad." You didn't think it was an opportunity. Maybe Tom wanted you in a movie. - No, but that's where my brain always goes. It's like, it's always like, what did I do? - Sure, sure. - Who's mad at me at what did I mess up? - Sure. - But Tom was immediately like, no, I have a, you know, I think you and Tom would be good on the show. - And he was right. - Yeah, he was right. - We are actually a good mix for this. - Nice to know. - For this specific thing, we're a good mix. We are good. And I think that, I think, yeah, I think what we've been trying, the first two episodes, we really tried to make it big. And then the last three, we were trying to run it into the ground. - We're like, well, they're working. - Yeah, yeah, well, I think last week's did it. - Yeah, last week's, I think last week, if we really, just hopefully we can really get into the weeds of comedy and vaccine to our process. - Process, let's talk seriously about the geopolitical climate, bring up mom Donnie as many times as you can. - Vogue's on for sure. - Yes, that's it. - That is true. - Do that. - Don't get me going. - We talked about trans children last week, which was awesome. - Yep. - What else could we talk about? - Well, we wanted to, we figured last episode, Tom and Bert must have sent some fun videos. - Sure. - They don't give a fuck at all. - They're out. - Didn't even send videos, couldn't bother. And we saw the production value last time. We was literally just Bert doing this outside, couldn't do that. So, you know, it's been eight minutes. Maybe, you know, this is really the one where we're like, all right, fuck it, 52 minutes. This is, 'cause you know what, this is, this is ironically, it's the last day before. for summer vacation for us. - You really? - This is our last fucking show. - This is it. - What are they gonna do? - Fire us? - Seriously? - It's like what does Ric Flair say? Fire me, I quit, I quit. - I don't know. - Ric Flair has a good quote. - I don't think Ric Flair is what it invented. - You can't fire me, I quit. (laughing) - That's not Ric Flair. - Was it Marcus Aurelius? (laughing) - Didn't Marcus Aurelius like fucking kill his wife? - So he got cocked and then he killed a guy. - Yeah. - He did a really not stoic thing. - Yeah, and it's also like, it's also like, I was into it for a minute, and it's kind of like, I get it, I mean, it is. - It was like, it was like Taylor Swift for guys with high blood pressure for a while. It was like, that's all you, so people were like, doing Hubertman's sunlight protocol and listening to Marcus Aurelius. I feel like three years ago, every guy was doing that. - It's like I went through all the phases. It's like I started taking creatine, I started getting natural sunlight upon rising. - Of course. - You know, grounding myself with shoes and socks, listening to stuff. - What is your nuts and the ground? Does that happen? - Allegedly, all you have to do is get some part of your body on a living thing. Like that's rooted in the ground. So you don't even have to be barefoot in the ground. You can just put your hands on a tree and also get the same kind of energy. I've got the grounding mats. I've done every peptide protocol you could think of. I've went through it all, now I'm done. I'm just done. I don't care about it anymore. - So bourbon dead. - 'Cause it's the same thing. It really is, really all these, I mean, I get it. It's different examples and whatever works for you. But for me, I found like every philosophy, whether it's stoicism, buddhism, whatever it is you're trying to do. It's all basically telling you the same thing and that's being the present. Your life is happening now. Everything is for right now. If you just do that, which is by the way, the hardest thing to do and near impossible. - Of course. - But that's every single saying is just that. - It comes back to the present. - It's just so I'm like, okay, I got that. I can't do it. I'm trying and I can't do it. So instead, I'll just, you know, not do any of that and just try not to go on social media and I can not jerk off, which is both. What are your numbers a week, Jango? - Jango. - So it depends if I'm on the road. If I'm on the road, it's still I bleed. (laughing) But if I'm at home, you know what I've noticed? Being at home, I don't know it's 'cause I just have so much, we have so much to do, like in the house or whatever, but like, it's actually, it's funny you bring this up, just this morning, just this morning for the first time, I got the urge and I brought my phone in 'cause my iPhone's waterproof and I just was, 'cause the only place I can save your glass tub is in the shower, like actually physically in the shower children. - Yes. So I'm jerking off. - You even have a little, do you have a little office? Do you have anything? - Yeah, but there's all boxes and stuff in it and there's guys doing work in my house. So it's like I could, but then. - And you'd come really fast 'cause you smell the pheromones. - Exactly, dude. It's like you smell those real men. - Yeah, I don't think the guy wants come on his table, so again, so Mr. DeStephan, though, is there like SAP? - Yeah, it's something around here. - Yeah, I noticed that on my Power Joe's a little sticky. Did you kid's drop Apple Joe's on it? Why don't you smell like chlorine and pineapples? So you've been, that's a protocol you're following. - That's protocol. - The pineappledges protocol. - But I noticed like, I haven't in a while. I haven't like done any of that in a while. I haven't even really been having sex and I'm like, it took me like a while to even get like aroused and a while to even like get the, and normally it'd be like three pumps, and I'm like, am I reaching that age where it's like not testosterone's going down, but like libido's going down? And I'm like, is that. - Is that kind of a good thing, no? Like where you're not like fully motivated, being led by your dick everywhere? - It's what I can't wait for. I can't, I dream of a world where I'm just a fat, sexless grandpa. Like I just want like, it just like, I think you were telling me like your dad still fucks at his age. - He tries, yeah. - It's crazy. No, you should be done. I mean, this is the same guy who was hospitalized for lasagna over there. - Exactly, yeah. - And he's still trying to get pussy. It's like, let it go, man. Have some fucking sauce and spaghetti and just die. - Just chill out. - Just chill, eat till you die. - Yeah. - Folks, summertime, it's hard. We're the summertime bears. We have our own podcasts, our own tour dates. It's hard staying healthy. You know I'm trying to be health conscious, Chrissy. It doesn't help when Benson's spoon is trying to sabotage me with desserts. But, you know who's the anti-spoon? The anti-Benson's spoon, you know who's the, he's the devil, you know who's the angel in my shoulder? Factor meals, baby. - I love that. - Factor meals are so easy, so easy, delivered right to your door, ready to cook, dietician-approved. It's not, you don't cook it, right? 'Cause I like having the convenience of it's ready to go, warm it up, it's delicious. And it's not, you know, sometimes these meal services, they have like four offerings. There's so much variety here, a ton of different options. - But does it support your wellness goals and does it save her global flavors? That's the only questions I have for you. And those are genuine questions that I just thought of. - You better believe it does. - Wow. - On both counts, yes, Christopher. They have, so look, they have, now they have GLP-1 friendly meals. You know me, I'm a Mediterranean boy. They have Mediterranean diet options, packed with protein and good for you fats. 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Eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever gonna have. It's clean, I sleep-court. My sleep-scores do the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them. - It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process and listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you the people are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you are telling us, this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you won in the car. - Tell them request it. When you go to the bar, you say, "Hey, do you carry porosos?" And if they say no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. - And then walk out. - You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and give it to him. I go, "Now you do." I go, "I got a bottle of glass of porosos." - That's awesome, that's awesome. - Well, you see, that's, you're much better. You're one of the best guys I've ever met at just kind of, not necessarily, you are in the moment, but it's not that, it's like kind of just trusting that whatever your decision is making is the right one and not overthinking it. - You don't spend 99%. - But you don't spend 99% of your day being like, "What should I do?" - No, I, what I obsess over a decision, right? I do, but when it's done, I'm just like, all right, you've made it. - I've made it. - But it don't get me wrong. I overthink quite a bit. - Right. - I overthink quite a bit. - Well, I do think that's one thing, 'cause I was like living my life with like, straddling two things, like, do I move? Do I not move? Do I get married? Do I not get married? - You do love making decisions. - But now I just make the decision and right or wrong, I just do it and I still do have some residual, like, was that the right move? But I notice quicker. I've noticed actually, and people have noticed this my friends and family, how much less stress, even though I'm, you know, at times coming off stress, how much less stress I have, that I almost like, don't even know what to do with the tranquility and peace. So I'm telling myself, actively, what I've done subconsciously many, many times in my life, is I've found some kind of problem. I've found some kind of issue to like, make me, 'cause you're addicted to that adrenaline, but now I'm trying to actively not do that. I'm really, even though I went publicly and trashed a media company on the podcast this week. But other than that, I'm actively trying to be like, no, no, don't put yourself in that situation again, or you're at peace right now, via peace. So what do you do with the peace, though? While that's swimming the pool? Well, that's the thing, the peace is not making it. I can't even come with the peace. I can't even get horny. I'm trying to jerk off in the shower with the show. What was the exciting incident that made you want to nut this morning? What do you mean? Was there something that you, you know, it was, was, uh, Hoda and Kathy Lee looking good and good? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, what, what, 'cause I remember, you know, sometimes you just be watching TV and like a, just like, an ad for like, stack or two. We'll come up in a girl. Yeah, it looks good in a sports bra. And you're like, nice. No, you know what happened is today, we were in the kitchen and my girl went to go lift to get the pancake mix for the girls and her shorts that she was wearing a bed, just kind of creeped up just ever so slightly in the bottom of her buckheeks popped out and then she had to, she shorts, she had to jump and it kind of jiggle. So jiggle and then, and we can't have sex 'cause my house is full of construction workers and children. So I just said, now I'm, now I'm going to go into the shower and jerk it to transport. (laughing) Oh, really? So still what you're, yeah, you wasn't like, you weren't just thinking about your girl, you were like, let's fucking take it up a notch. Yeah, of course, it's like, of course, let's fucking put an electrode to my dick and (imitates sound) just the way I can come. Yeah, just, I have to think of you having a penis. But, but, yeah, man, I mean, I can't be, I can't lie, dude. I am. I'm sad and I do know that the old the head ad guy of this network is here outside and he's looking tan and extra diesel Oh really to try to get us. I think possibly Some type of deal. No, what he's trying to do. I don't want to try to honey pot us is what he's trying to do He looks good. He looks hot. He's gonna be sure. He's gonna have he's gonna He you know he's gonna throw into this next deal unlimited tiramisu He's gonna do the things that we know he can't say no good He's gonna say what if I give you guys tiramisu? That's a mistake because I've already had tiramisu So you gotta get me early. You gotta get me early now. I'll be I'll make a stand I'll be like how dare you sir. Yeah after just it's like like you know when like a I'm sure like when a politician just the kid and then they go and they're like now we're done Yeah, now we're gonna relieve from now on we released a client list, but not back then Yeah, but we we clear it out. We can't do it yet. We can't do the old ones like or like how closeted How so many like people that are like like do you see that guy was like he was talking about Child prayers and he was on he was Distributing child under the name Joe Biden 69 He was like a Republican senator. Yeah, which is like even when you're being a You're thinking of Joe Biden Yeah, but no where that's that's what happened to me if you try to offer me desserts now It's like I just had desserts. Yeah, so I'm fucking free of desserts. Yeah, you can't tempt me with that shit suck it. I Yeah, I think I think that I can be here's the thing with me is I'm very Principled in my beliefs until you say hey, what about it? But you can have this money and then your kids you can just pay for your kids college Which they inevitably aren't gonna want to go to college because college will be obsolete. Yeah, by the time they're college age But for me, I'm so ingrained in the old school way of thinking like I'm the guy got to pay for my kids college So that's just all I think about it's like if you can give me an amount of money that can pay for a semester of my kids Imaginary college 15 years from now. I'll do anything. Yeah. Don't you think you're using that as an excuse? Oh my whole life is in excuse Yeah, like ultimately your your your kids will be fine. Yeah, and now you can be like well, I need it for my kids Yeah, I have to go suck the ameer's dick. Yeah, I have to go so I have to go because you know, we needed a new kitchen Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can't be I need to move again. How long do you think you'll be at this house? No So what's happened is is is this how what they're actual? I'm almost like trying to give myself like a no way out Gloss of this house because I cannot I cannot even think about moving Number first and foremost my kids again of course think about that. Yeah, I know you're like look Whatever it is if I have to go to Saudi Arabia and do comedy that's for my kids now they won't have stability for the first You know that you know that you know the most important time for development for a child. Yeah, he just zero to eight No stability is zero. Yeah, but I will leave them to do stand-up comedy So I will just add another podcast right You know I I I think like for me what I you know I can't like we've had a conversation. I will not like philosophically. We cannot do it No, it's actually like wrong Psychologically wrong with you to move this many times right right there's already something psychologically wrong to do it up to this If you do it again, it's actually like diagnosed but like you need to maybe be institutional Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you need yes, so so no, but what you never moved as a kid? You grew up in the same house, so then I don't know like what is this escape is my pattern my brain because I you know I have been the one being like let's move like I've been you I've been the one and this I've been the one being like Let's go here. Let's go there. You know, dude. I move I saw my house in Staten Island to move back to Queens Because like all I want to be closer to my friends. Yeah, yeah, and I was like what yeah, and then I mean I love my friends, but it's like dude you have a family. Yeah, what are you doing and Staten Island was crazy It's done. Yeah, that without was the first you know, but I like the house there But so now for this one It's like we're like what I've been doing is like I'm trying to like Gratiate myself into the neighborhood in a way. I've never done dude. I went tell me if you think this is tell me what you think yes the people the What I I'll tell you what I did and tell me what you think the people who are on the other end of this thought Mm-hmm. I for no reason. I didn't even tell run this by my family I went to the farmers market in my neighborhood and I got two peach pies that are delicious and delectable love that and I walked into my local police precinct and You preemptively gave me the local police That was your first stop was the cops. I said hey, you're my name's Chris the staffer on new to the neighbor I gave them my address. Hey, yeah, I go boys and this is what I do you like listen my children of Puerto Rican You see any look you know children in any trouble. I appreciate if I got the call first. Yeah, don't book them Here's a pie. I literally go. I literally I had these two peach pies and to the female Commanding officer. I go just know these peach pies are for you boys And I respect what you boys do So she looked at me and she was like what's your name again? Yeah, and I told her my name again She's like where's your address and I told again And then she wrote it down on a piece of paper took the pies and didn't even say thank you to my face She said thank you as she was turning away so I pretty much think I gave them pies as an effort to be like Hey, I'm in this neighborhood. I'm not leaving if you actually try to see me leave this neighborhood move arrest me Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think that I offended the commanding officer probably who was the and I think they also think like what kind of Nefarious things are you in this? Why would you bring us peach pies just because you move to the air not your neighbors No, you went to the police. No, I mean that really is the most No, I've put up electrical fences around my house. So none of the neighbors can you go say hello You didn't give them you went to the police. Yeah, dude actually. Yeah I Police precinct and then I've introduced myself not the school where your kids go every store I've been into in my neighborhood I introduced myself to whoever's behind the desk and tell them what my name and address is and where I dress yeah Where jazz has said I know what are you doing this is crazy? She's like what do you she said the same thing? I was a small town like we should know like we're a part of this community She was like they'll know like when when they go to school They'll kids will go to school like we'll meet people like please stop telling people where we live Address is insane. Yeah, the police precinct is okay. They'll write to say the address I mean to say they just but I don't understand why you would start with police You didn't start with your neighbors. You didn't go to your kids school You didn't go to like a church a place of worship No, I went to the local law enforcement the cops are where what you think your community is gonna be yeah That's crazy. You see yourself hanging out with yeah, it's the police. Yeah, you're like look Yeah, you go you're like by the way Emma's a square garden november September 11th. You're just you're just going to your like bread You're just you're essentially like flying. Yeah, you're like two-for-one tickets. Yeah, you go there You go to the fire. That's just a weird it is honestly bizarre. It's a bizarre thing I think I think that I probably Why is that I think I need professional help or I think I just need to be on some kind of medication because I think that I just need a little space for my anxiety sure like that's what a pill does it just give you a little space So yeah, that was an anxious movie like I got to go and gracious myself with the police Yeah, and I do think now being like in that house and facing the facing the Thought of like this is your home like this is your home You decided on this one what what my brain is doing this thing now where it's starting is because it's like these same patterns But I'm combating them all as best I can it's saying oh you bought this house for the next 15 years You want to be here for at least 15 years because you know a little one to get through school and so it's like and I'm like You know up, but I could I could move but in the same neighborhood, you know, it's like it's like so that's crazy I'm saying so it's done and and so what I'm doing is try to combat that I'm just saying it publicly and letting the fan shame me Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is my this is my this is crazy's health insurance. Why do you yeah? Why do the fuck do you keep wanting when you just feel trapped is it because you feel trapped by everything else? You know you can't abandon your family. You're not that kind of guy even though in your heart You want you're even though you are a crypto-crout You're still Italian. Yeah, you still grew up you're culturally Italian So what you want is either a Goumare right or to abandon your family, right? But you're a good guy can't say you can't do that So all the only change you have the only thing you can control is where you live right? And so you're like I am going to I am going to show control by moving right think that's what it is You just want to have a little could do you feel like you don't have control Chris? I think I don't feel like I don't have control and I think I think that what it really is if from being honest And this is and this is where we get philosophical Let's get philosophically and hopefully this is where the number trying to make we're dude. We try where this is the last one Yes, yes, we're gonna fucking tank it. Yeah, it's 100% don't watch if you're still watching now You've already registered one view at least on YouTube. Yeah, stop now scumbags stop right now Yeah, dude, but before you do I'm gonna be in London September 7th really got a got a sell added a second show there Hell yeah, I'm gonna be in Memphis at some point in November something Well, maybe we plugged at the beginning actually. Yeah. We'll put it back Benson I've never been in Memphis Memphis seems like it's gonna be cool never I like Memphis Yeah, yeah, having a hard time selling tickets. Yeah, so you can buy it. It's good though. That's good I am I really I'm excited for London. I'm excited for Dublin So I think what happened is with me. I think what's going on is you know, my father was like a gambler and I think gamblers are You know, everyone thinks gamblers are addicted to winning, but I think they're addicted to losing right? Yeah, honest and I've had this conversation before he's actually the one that we He was like, "Oh, I think that could be it." And I think he's right. I brought it up to my therapist. And my therapist said, "That's interesting." - It was like, "Yeah, that's using another $200 for this." - Yes, please, yeah. I think I'm addicted to losing. So when you move or try to run out, 'cause the last two moves have been we move, and you feel like we feel like we lost everything we had, and then I spend two years trying to get it back. That's what gamblers do, they lose, and then you're trying to get it back. And you addicted to that feeling of get it back, get it back. So I would do that even in relationships. I'd be like, "Oh, everything's going good." Let me ruin it. Get it back, get it back, get it back. - Let me get some hit on it. - So I'm realizing this pattern. Now, I don't know if I can necessarily stop it, but it is, I am never been more aware of what's happening. So that's why when these feelings pop up with the specific moving, I'm like, what, you know what's happening now? It's you're addicted to that losing. You're not going to do any of that. Don't do anything. Even, I, dude, we immediately moved in, and I said to jazz, I was like, "Oh, you know, like this, the house." Like, you know, we really got to be careful financially. Like, we got to build back up, you know, it's a lot, you know, we got to invest in a house, and for anyone buying a home at any level, it's like you deplete your, of course. And it's tough, and it's scary. And so, and so, I'm like, we got to, you know, really be careful. She's like, Chris, totally, like I get it. Like, we don't need much, honestly. And then, 10 minutes later, I'm like, should we renovate the kitchen? Why don't you get, let's get a cup. And then I'll start texting contractors, get it right. And she's like, stop, stop it. You're doing the same thing. - You have to do something. - Now you're doing it within, now you're not moving, but you're putting yourself, so like, just stop it. - Yeah. - And so, because her whole thing is always like, if you, even like with certain gigs that I want to do, she's like, Chris, if you don't want to do something, don't do it, you carry so much strain with you all day. Like, should I have done that? She's like, just let it go. - Either do it or don't. - She's like, just let it go. This is why I'm having an affair. (laughing) - This is why I have to keep cheating on you with real men. (laughing) - Yeah. - Why do you think we get afford the new kitchen? - Yeah. - You're actually paying with money? - No. - You think I really hit it off. Let's just say, you gave the police a pie. I gave the contractors a little pie. - Yeah, and I, but I do, I know we've said it last week, but I think this all goes down to Catholic guilt. This is dude that riddled with guilt. That's a religious thing. It's a fricking thing that you're overcome with. You just don't have it. I gotta go, great dude. - I have guilt, I have guilt, but I have immigrant guilt. I have family guilt. - Right. - But morality or doing, and also there's no real pressure. Every family I saw was bad. You know what I mean? I just, so in my head, I have to reorganize where I'm like, I don't have the pressure. I mean, I'm single, obviously. I think that's probably, that's part of the problems that I'm scared. I'm scared to end up like you. (laughing) - Yes. - Where I'm like, I'm with a family that I want to fucking, I keep either wanting to move. You're the best case scenario because like, you could just be fucking doing something worse than moving. But like, I am scared to just, I do have the same thing of not wanting to feel trapped. Everything you're describing to me is like, feeling trapped. - Yeah, like, I keep asking chat GPT if I can have a deal of. (laughing) And they're like, what do you mean? - We're so fucked, by the way. When they fucking put chat GPT into sex robots. - It's bad. - Like, you have a wife and kids. Think about someone who gets no pussy, just in their fucking, have no emotional connection to anyone. And they put chat GPT in a fucking life. - It's just gonna be so bad. - In a big, titted fucking Japanese sex robots though. You think it can limit shootings? - No, because now the CIA will just hack your chat GPT girlfriend and be like, you should assassinate. - Yeah. - You know, whoever, you know. It'll be so much easier to set up assassinations. - Interesting. Because like, you don't have to send fucking, you know, the guy who shot Kennedy to Cuba or whatever. See, he can save so much money on training. - Yeah. - And now they can just hardwire it into your sex robot. While you're fucking, you're like, you know, triple D, and you can pick any kind of, the sex robot technology is gonna be a big problem. I think about myself, 18, getting no pussy. - Oh my God. - What I would have done for a like fucking next level sex robot. And told me I'm a good guy. That like, I've been chatting with on chat GPT so it knows all my wants and needs. What I would have done for like a fucking fat-titted, curly-haired sex robot. Maybe a red bone. - 'Cause you can't talk to chat GPT sexually right now. It doesn't acknowledge it. It says I can't do that. - Oh, they're about to change that. - Yeah. - They're gonna change that real soon. And then it's gonna be like, you know, telling you who to vote for. - Oh yeah. - You'll do what they'll be able to control us so easily. - Oh yeah. - I mean, people are going to chat GPT sofa. Stop by the way. Stop talking to chat GPT everyone. - Yeah. - That's what I'm talking for me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't, you'll end up like Chris, and I look, do I have it all figured out? - No. - Am I fat, you know, do I have my own vices? Do I have my own problems? - Sure. - Yes, but a computer will not solve it. A computer that's spying on you by the way. - Will not solve it. But you do, just from a stress level, even though I do love my life, there are times, even though I, again, wouldn't change anything. 'Cause I love coming home and my kids and there's so many things. - Yeah, do you ever think about what happened if you just worn a condom on your first date? - Well, I think about that. Like if we're just talking about very specifically stress, like my father, before I had my oldest daughter, he literally said to me the night before she was gonna give birth, he goes, "Oh, this will be the last night of peace you ever have." - Wow. - And I was like, "What do you mean by that?" He was like, "I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you, I just want to be honest with you." You're this tonight, the babies inside the mother, you're gonna go to sleep with your head on the pillow and it'll be the last time that your brain and body are in the same place because every time from now on, unless you're in the same house with your child, your brain will be one way and you'll be worried about the child and it never goes away. He was like, you know, your time was 30. He was like, "You're 30 years old and I still worry if you're home or not." - Wow. - Okay, he was like, "I don't blow up your phone and text you and I can usually tell myself, Chris is okay. He's a grown man." But he was like, "You're having a daughter." - No, it's true. - So I don't know. He's like, "With girls, I don't know if it ever goes away." - Well, yeah. - I feel like, isn't it like basically, when you're a parent, you have a kid, you're constantly playing a version of final destination in your head. - Always. - Which is like all the ways your kid can fucking die without even thinking about it. - Dude, because it's like anything that happened, like my daughter, my little daughter, scab keeps opening and I'm like, "Well, what could that be?" - It's gonna bleed out. - Yeah, as it could bleed out or it's like, was that some type of skin disease? I don't know if it's freaking real about it. - Right, right, right. - How am I gonna save her? - Right, right. - You have to John Cue it and just, you know, shoot myself in the end. (laughing) (laughing) and it's just this paranoia of parents that control now because it's easy for people to be like, "Just let go, just let fate take its course." It's like, "No, you can't." It's like, it's like, you are, like right now I'm doing this podcast with you, I'm looking at you, but my brain is kind of looking at my phone being like, am I gonna look at my phone and I'm gonna have nine missed calls from Jasmine 'cause something happened to her in one of the kids. So that idea of like peace and just settling in, I don't know, like if I can get to that without a little medication. I think I might just, I think I'm at the point now, where I just need, I can't figure out, I've been working out, I've been trying to do everything, I've been meditating, I've been going less on stoicism, I've been trying to do everything I can. I've been, you know, watching Hitler rallies in English. - I don't know about that. - That's the last one. - Oh, sorry, I don't know about that last one. - You're like, hopefully, one day society will be organized in a way that makes sense. You're just, you're talking to all this like, that is true that we are getting like, spiritual Nazis right now. - Yeah. - That is back in a big way in a way that's like, we all agree, Nazis are bad, right? - Right, yeah. - How are people just like cool with being Nazis? It's insane. - Well, it's gotten all the way around to where even the good ideas are like, it's all become, if you don't agree with me, you're done. - You're not talking of Nazism, you're talking about it all. - You're talking about the good ideas in general, right? - Right. 'Cause the way you phrase that, you're like, and it's gotten to the point where we won't even acknowledge the good ideas that is like, we have to cut and we'll come back. - Yeah, no, it's like, it's like, look, you know, it's one of those things where society is now, if you don't agree with me, then you're wrong. Whether that person has a good idea or a bad idea, it's like, there's not that middle ground anymore, which is what being a human being is. It's like we're just all gray zone idiots. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But that's becoming like, oh, you don't like who I, it's not even about voting anymore. It's like, oh, you don't like this idea that I, I'm very much like, I would assume we're not gonna agree. - Yeah, it's weird, everyone has to have an opinion on everything. - On everything. - On everything, but that's social media, I'm telling you to do it. - Yeah, that off it. - Well, it's funny because even all the controversies that are happening where it's like, you know, somebody gives a fuck, like Sidney Sweeney, like, with their fucking-- - Ameritain. - I have good genes, it's like, she has big tits and she's selling genes. - Yeah. - That's what that means. - Yeah. - It's not an Aryan fucking dog. And you know, it's like, or it's just like, or it's like, when people get mad, it's like, or like, conservatives getting mad that South Park is making fun of Trump. It's like, wasn't the nice part about being like a Republican that you didn't have to care about what media said? - Yeah. - Wasn't it gay liberals that fucking dabbled when they didn't like-- - It was. - It's like, why do you have to, why do you have to have opinions? Why can't you just watch a movie and just have a good time? - Oh yeah. In fact, it used to be trans stuff. The funniest thing you could do was put a guy in a dress. - Yeah. - That's like, through humanity. - Yeah. - And now people would see like Monty Python sketches and be like, he's saying, okay. This is, you're trying to chop my child's dick off. - Yeah, dude, Patrick Swayze and a dress was a mate. - Oh yeah, what was that? - Two long food. - Yeah, yeah. - It was him, Wesley Snipes, and-- - Was it John Lake? - John Lake was Amo. - It's amazing. - Classic, classic dude. Love it. - What's wrong with a little cross dressing? - Not so much. - Sydney Sweeney as a Nazi. - Well, again, that is wrong. - That's wrong, okay. - But what's wrong with her having huge tits? - That's not the other thing. - No problem. - By the way, it's like, are they not paying her? - Yeah. keep doing commercials. - Yeah. - Like, it's like, does she not make enough money? - Well, no, you know what, you know what's happening? By the way, this episode sucks, and I think we're doing a great job. - That is the whole point. - This is, we're 35 minutes into absolute bullshit. I mean, real fucking stinkers, which is great. - Yeah, that's the point. - That is the point, it's over. We told you, it's, this is like, usually, they throw like an ice cream party at school. - Right. This is like, it's July, it's June, it's June, we're about to go on vacation. - We don't like this, by the way, we don't like this podcast either. - Yeah. - We don't like this. - I mean, I have both made burner accounts, and we're just, absolutely. We're gavin' on some of these comments. - We're fueling all this stuff. - No, but, wait, what was I saying? I was gonna just jump in and say something before. Damn it. - It's okay, man. - It's serious. - I'm forgetting. - I had a good point. - It probably wasn't that good. - Yeah, you're right. It probably was gonna be something dumb. Dude, if you want to see real comedic gold, go over to, we might be drunk. - Yeah. - Me and Stovey jumped in on. - We popped in. - And that was actually really fun. - That was really actually where the comedy gold came in. - That was the funniest thing we've done all day. - Yeah. - But it's okay, it doesn't fucking matter. - No, but there was something, there was something that I was just literally gonna try to freaking. - It's not gonna be worth it. - It's not right. - You're gonna do this, and then you're gonna say, it's gonna be like a C+. - Yeah. - And then all the Heming and Haing, no one's gonna like it. - Right. - We're in here, we're in here trying, oh, they're asking us, did any swingers reach out after the episode? - Oh, yeah. - Two episodes go, I don't know, I haven't been on social media. Did you get any? - No swingers. - Any swingers? - No swingers. And by the way, okay, that is an important thing. I would like to reiterate, if you listen to the podcast and you want to suck me off, I'm open for business. - 100%. - Okay, hit the DMs, show me a tiddy or two. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna say no to it. - Remember Stovey's merch that we coined last week. Somebody will suck you off. - Somebody will suck you off. - Yeah, yeah. I think, I think, swingers, now I, in this state of my life, we'll say it's probably not a good idea. - No. - For me. - But as we get older, why not? - Interesting. - Why not in our 50s, you've been married 20 years. Why not open it up? - I think as life goes on. - Just a lot of, it gets complicated, I feel like. And then also think about, I mean, I guess if your kids are out of the house, but I've met people whose parents were like, swingers. And it would be like, you have to go to a pizza party and you just know your mom's getting fucking spit roasted while your dad's in the chair jacking off. - Yeah. - That can't be a good thing. - That can't be good. - You're not really enjoying Zelda and Papa John's pizza when you're in the back of your head. You're thinking like, I know what's going on in my house. - Yeah, no, you're doing comedy at the revisionist lounge. (laughing) You're taking the ham truck up. - C, C. - What's, I mean, they, you know, this is amazing is that literally it's our last Summer Bears episode and Tom and Bert didn't even send in videos they couldn't have cared less. - Don't give a fuck, should we call them? - You want to call them? - Should we just see if there's some famous, some of their most famous videos too? - Let's just see, I bet you they're not going to answer. - Yeah. - So just call, see what we got. - Okay. - So who should I call, Tom or Bert? - Whoever you got, whoever you got first, I don't know. - Should I try Bert? - Try Bert. - Yeah, 'cause I can't do this. - I have 17 numbers for Bert. (laughing) - All right, here we go, here we go. Let me call him. - It's nine, he's up, right? - Oh, good point. - Yeah, it's nine thirty and L.A. - What's up? - Bert, what's up, baby? It's me and Stavvy. We're live the very last Summer Bears. We're coming, we wanted to call you. - Hang on. - Huh? - I think I'm a blood pressure medicine. - Are you really? How many milligrams are you on? - I have no idea anymore, I don't know. - Lo Sardin? I'm on Lo Sardin. - Yeah, Lo Sardin and Emily King. - Oh, wow, you got two, nice. - The cocktail. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like to take care of myself. How's the Stavvy's way doing? - Dude, Stavvy actually looks good, but Benson Spoon, Josh Zolo brought us in a tiramisu and cookies and all that and really put Stavvy in a hole before the podcast started. It is tough. - You guys killed it, this fucking past, this past six weeks, seven weeks, whatever it was. Thank you. - Of course, thank you. You haven't seen the last two. - Yeah, the last two were bad. We've been trying to kind of, we're trying to like leave it. We're trying to bomb the last two, you know what I mean? - We thought you'd be fine. - We thought it'd be fun for you guys to just take it out of, I mean, an even bigger gaping hole that you left it with us, to us with. - Do you remember that pilot in Seattle, that guy that stole the plane and did a barrel roll? (laughing) - Yes, the first four episodes was like, - You guys are like, hold on, it's still fun. I want to try one more. - Yeah, just one more. Now we're in the side of Mount Rainier. (laughing) - Do you think the water by 10 feet is going to hurt the aircraft? (laughing) - The 100%. - Yeah, yeah. - No, we just, because we thought maybe you guys were having fun here. We thought maybe the last episode we'd send in a video, but we didn't even get that. So we're like, let's just call-- - Yeah, you guys just checked out as we are. - Oh, it's about to, but my initial instinct, 'cause I like when you guys break down other comics, that's always been fun for us. And so my initial instinct was, you know, Tom and I have a vodka, but chose diverse by themselves so much that I think having a vodka is just hack these days that you need to have a real brand based on the comic. So I was gonna have you go through a list of comics and say really what their fans would buy based on who they are. - Okay, okay. - Like Sam, Sam, Sam Morrell has taken a cap, but what could he really sell to people based on his dull personality? Yeah, like-- - Maybe an eyebrow, maybe a wax kit? - A wax kit, a wax kit? - Yeah. - So what would his fans just go, oh yeah, that is what I love about Sam. - Yeah, he could sell like, Nick's jersey's to special needs kits. That's okay, yeah. So that will think of-- - So branding. - Some branding, we'll pick some comics think of some branding. Like I had a flip flop that did really well and then they changed the brand on it and I was like, God, you know. - Right, right. - Interesting. - Yeah, you are a branded flip flop guy. What are you flip flop? You could sell, you could sell your own blood pressure medicine. That's the next frontier. To get about Pfizer, it's Christchurch. Christchurch vaccine. - Christchurch vaccine. - You know for a fact that I keep my body the same way the bronjian does. - 100%, I know you do. No, that is good. If I can survive. - And I know that your lip is the same color as the skin. (laughing) - Yesterday I did a podcast with a guy who has the blood pressure issues in his face. - He's doing pink red. And he was like, he's just, you know, some of my blood pressure and he was like, you are in 70 pounds and 80, 180 pounds and I was like, you're, and then he's like, no, you got it too and I was like, fuck, I need more blood. - Wait, hold on. We want to go back to something you just said. So we're over here doing your podcast and you just said you're doing the podcast. So you could, you could've been doing the show. (laughing) - I just wrapped it, it's Tom's going to bail on it. (laughing) - Dude. - I wrapped my TV show. - Oh hell yeah. - Tom's like, oh man, I need another week. I got another week of production, I can't do anything. - Yeah, well we're done. So, fuck it, you're gonna have to go to the bottom of the barrel if you need another week. I don't know who the fuck you're gonna get if you can't do it. - Yeah, we don't know, we don't know who you're gonna have to drag out. (laughing) Who can I drag out after we're done? You're gonna have to get like, who the hell? - Yeah, who could be, who? - The real challenge is I want you guys to do one podcast with Tom each where he's just dull and gives you no feedback and no energy and doesn't laugh at you anymore 'cause he's dead and strong. - Jordan. - I love this. - We're doing couples counseling. - Yeah. - I watch, I watch. - That's on the phone. - Is there a podcast? And I watch them still laugh at each other and I go, oh I remember those days. - Oh yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you guys are like the married couple at an orgy watching the newlyweds just fuck the shit out of each other. - Oh yeah. - This is just trying to jack off of each other's limp digs. - Is it an eye roll? (laughing) - Oh yeah, that's it. Okay, yeah, it's all right. All right, that's good. - That's good for you, but we'll see, we'll call Tom, he probably won't pick up. - Right. - And then we'll see if we can, we can, we'll see what he has to say about it. - Yeah, we'll see if, we'll see if that's the key. We'll see if Tom, at least Bert answered on the first right. - It's true. - We'll see if Tom even answers. - Yeah. - I can't answer. I'm thinking of different ways to shit my pants on Netflix. (laughing) - I'm crafting an even bigger fake dick for season two. (laughing) - Season two, bad ideas. - Yeah. (laughing) - All right, baby, go enjoy the blood pressure medicine and join the flip flops. We appreciate it. - I love you guys, thank you so much. - Love you, Bert. - Love you, brother. - I love you, brother. - You think it's an episode of something. - 100%. - All right. - All right. - All right. - See you, dude. - So if that didn't plummet the ratings, - I don't know. - You see, if calling Bert, if you're still listening after we just called Bert. And I believe you call it bad ideas. - Yes. - Which is called bad thoughts, right? So if that, if you're still listening now, you truly need more mental help than I do. We literally just called Bert and Bert talking on self in 10 minutes. I love the Bert's idea. And I do feel bad because you were holding the phone so I couldn't really shit. But his idea was, was like branding. He's like, his idea for a bit is like, what could a comic sell? - Yeah, that's better than alcohol. - Yeah. - It's like, how about we tell a joke? - Yeah, how about we stand up comedy? - Yeah, the joke, it's like, yeah, what? - But he will be rich, you know, we'll all be- - Oh my God. - When the apocalypse happens, we will be living in one of Bert's eight-tour buses. That will be, we'll be sharing one of Bert's decommissioned buses as are like, I'll be like your child's nanny. - Yeah, which they're paying us from just dividends of porosos. They're not even going into their pocket. This is just run-offs from osos. But yeah, I feel like, I feel like, I mean, Bert's idea of brand it, I mean, dude, I don't know, yeah, Sam Nickstuff, Mark Norman, Frickidd, I mean, they already have a brand in Bodeca, you know, we you, I'm not selling. I mean, the one thing I would like to get into at some point in my life is, a leisure wear for the plus-size gentleman. - I like that. - I would love, and that's not even, 'cause I want to make money on it, it's 'cause like, I know what it's like to be a fat guy that can't find clothes. And I want to find fun pieces for that. - And you should call and set a lulu lemon, call it Moo Moo Lemon. (laughing) - Moo Moo Mellon. - Moo Moo Mellon. - That's what it is. - Moo Moo Mellons. - Yeah, I think that. - Now we're selling the clothes for fat-titted ladies. - They did, yeah. Moo Moo Mellons actually is a great name for big today. They also are asking us what should Tom and birth do when they come back? How do they win the audience back and the show? - Right? - How do they actually win them back? - I think a murder point. - At the suicide, I think a fight to the death. - Yes. - Whoever kills the other one keeps the podcast. - Yeah, kind of how like, I forgot, it's one of them bought Hitler's teacup, they can pull a Hitler and just do a suicide with Eva Braun. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And that's, oh, you know what? - A game of Russian roulette. - Nice. (laughing) - Yeah, I think that's the only thing that will satiate the fans bloodlust. - Yeah. - I think they need to watch one of them and just like, and the thing is, you know Tom, even though he wants to live, he actually wouldn't be like that shaken and birth would be like crying. - Crying. - Every time they'll be like, he'd be like, he'd be sad for both Tom and himself. - Yeah. - And Tom would just be there, fucking. - Yeah. - Tom would probably rig it somehow to kill Mark. - Sure. - He would be like, yeah. - That would probably figure it out. - And I loved that like, at Bert Wins, like, you know, and blows his own brains out. And then the team at what, like Benson Spoon would know to edit Bert's brains flying out of his head with his tour dates and have this back up. Like, you would just know that that's what I have to do because it's got a big date at Red Rock. So you'd like. - What if Bert shoots part of his brain out and he survives and it just doesn't affect his act? (laughing) - He's still the same thing. (laughing) - That's hilarious. Dude, that idea is as fun as you can play the bad ideas as well. - But you think that was a bitter. You think he actually thinks the name of the show is bad. - You think he's looking on Netflix, like, why can't I find a show? - You know, actually, you know, yeah, that's so funny. (laughing) He's just like, he shoots it. - He shoots it. - It's not on Hulu. - You know how they say, I like that though. There was a little snipping. There was like him being like, you know, he just sits there dead eyed. I think they have it out. I think they start arguing for real. - Yeah. - I think a little, them airing out. Like, kind of go back to, like that episode of Maren where it's Lui and it was like a three part and it's like everything they have against each other. - Yeah. - We could be the moment where they air all their grievances. - Yeah, we actually could be fun. - We saved the show. - Yeah, we didn't. - No, yeah, there's no chance. - There's no chance. - But why don't we call Tom, see if he picks up. Like we said, we're phoning it in. - Yeah. - We're quite literally phoning this one in. - Yeah, we're phoning. - Yeah, all right, so let's call Tom. I love how they all have, this is the seventh number I have for all of them. Yeah, all right, let's call. Tom, I have Tom, I have to go on a new, new, newest. (laughing) - Yeah, all right, here we go. Now we're calling Tom. - That makes sense. I was texting him last year and it was getting tough. - No response. Let's see if, but I got the new one. Tom being the true professional at least. - No chance. - Second ring. - He's not gonna answer. - No. (beep) - No way. - No way, Tom answered. - Even a fourth. - Your call has been four. - Wow. - Wow. - The person you're trying to read. - No message, right? - At the tone, please record your message. - I'm up, yeah, we're leaving a voice memo is gay. (laughing) I think, and I respect Tom for that. I respect Tom for saying, you know what? I know what you guys are doing. - He was like, listen, we paid you to fucking fill in. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna fucking, he's gonna dock our pay five minutes if he talks five minutes. - Yeah, yeah. - Don't be like, hey listen, this is five minutes, you didn't have to do your job. - Right, yeah. - Right, yeah, I love, yeah, so Tom, just being the professional that he is said, guys, don't call me. - Don't call me. - Okay, like, it's over. - What are we doing? - Yeah, yeah. - So, well, you know, I mean, here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's, we could come back as the fall bears, but we, we, it would just-- - It won't be the autumn bears, no. - You don't think so. - What about the winter bears? - Winter bears. - Or should we just look forward to this where we are the summer bears? - I don't mind being the summer bears. I'll come back in the summer. - Right. - If they, in a pinch, if they need us to like, you know, fill in for an episode or two, that could be fun, but we need a break. - Oh, yeah. - And we have something last episode. - Let's go. - Let's go. - Oh my god. - Come on. - Yeah. - Yeah. - What is this, baby? You guys earned it. - Whoa. - San Francisco Chronicle. - Yeah, that's it. We got cocky clears. - Look at those. - Look at those. - One fear of acid, one fear of acid. (all laughing) - We're doing it, cheers. - We're doing the last, this is the last 10 minutes of that last summer bears ever. - Whoa. - We got Mark and Sam. - Sam, came on. - We ate. - Woo. - That's it. - Dude, well, now that I have blank on it, my face. - Yeah. - We'll, we'll, we'll, like, leave the lamp on Ellie. (all laughing) - We got, we'll just fucking vamp for five minutes. Then we'll spend the last five minutes eating eclairs. - There it is. - They're sitting there, sit down. - Or should you guys just finish with Harland? - Yeah. - I got neurovirus. - Mark's stupid bar because-- - You wanna have a, we're really, how long were you puke? - Everybody's sick. - What was it? - I think it was a neurovirus. It's like a bug thing. - I was just, I feel a f*ckin' thing. - When did you guys know? - What was the last puke or sh*t you guys took? - I never got it. - But-- - You never got it? - I'm a f*ck. - This is a little bullshit. He's always skating around. - I never got it. - No, I, uh-- - When's the last puke? - I was pukein sh*tting and stomach cramps at the same time on Sunday night. - Hold on, can you-- - You, uh, you accused a handroll restaurant. - I did. - I'm getting you food points. - I pulled a bitch move. - And I love that place and it broke my heart. We ate there together. We've been there together. - No, we went to Nami-Nori. - Oh, we went to Nami-Nori. - I would never turn on Nami-Nori. - Okay, good, good. - I turned on Cosyn-Nori. - Oh, Cosyn-Nori. - I turned on Nori Davis. (all laughing) - No one will get that done. (all laughing) - Gay, it's not true, even. - Yeah. - I don't know which brain goes brain. - I mean, it's just like pun, pun, pun, pun, Nori Davis, activate. (all laughing) - Do you think you will just be in a nursing home? - Oh, yeah. - Is this doing word association? - You don't remember your child's name? - No. - You don't remember his face? But you'll be like, no. - You just keep doing his letterman sack? - Yeah. (all laughing) - It's the time for your pill, sir. - I'll tell you who is a pill. - You're so list. (all laughing) - So a pill, what? - List. - Yeah, not even list. - Would you get these? - We went around looking for-- - I appreciate this. - I'm just showing for cock in the village. - That's beautiful. - We should need to eat that. - We do need to eat that. - I will. - We need to take one? - We'll take five more minutes. We'll do our contractual hour. - Right. - And then we'll get the fuck out of here. - We see how much we give a fuck about this show. We just have a countdown. - The second. - And the second in his one hour, we're like, all right. - Yeah. - Cut the checks, Burton Tom. - This is what we're here for. - This is what their fans want. - Yeah. - They just want to listen to an hour of just a sh*t about that. - You've been sh*tting on the show that. - That is weird. - This is weird. - This is what podcasts have become. - This is like bread and sh*bs Reddit. - Yeah. - Just sh*t on that. - We have run this thing into the ground. - I heard Tracy Morgan back in the day would do 45 on the dot. - Oh yeah. - He was like, I'm getting the paycheck. I'm obligated to do 45. And sometimes mid-joke. He'd see the light would come on at 45. And he'd go, and then, oh, thank you very much. - Wow. - Mid-joke. - Yeah. - Respect. - It's not an art form. That's a thing to remember. This is not art. - Right. - You know, and we've deluded ourselves into thinking that. - Yes. - So do you guys have any, you know, do you see yourselves going down the bird? Do you guys like very thinly veiled? Will you do a podcast while you clearly hate each other still? Or what do you think? (laughing) - Well, we better not because we got a pod, a movie, and a whiskey. (laughing) - Mark's easy to get along with. - I love it. - I love it. - We can't do confrontation, so we'll never fight. (laughing) We'll just silently resent me if he hates me. - Yeah, I don't know. - But that's how I don't have to. - But I'll drink it away. - Yeah. - Well, actually, maybe you guys are on the two bears' path. - That's it. (laughing) - I'd be like, never fought, I feel like. - Have you guys missed an episode of, we might be drunk in whatever, since it's hard or not? - Every week there's been one. - We nail it. - Every week, you have 52 in a row. - Yeah. - For the last, whatever. - We'll bang out to Australia. We're going on. You go to the Europe, we bank 'em. - Yeah, that's awesome. - Oh yeah. - See, that's good. I don't know if that's a consistent. - No, I mean, I'm starting to let 'em fall by the wayside now. - Oh, that's good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) - No. - I don't think here you go. - You got like nine ponds. - Yeah, well, they're starting, we got this one. - Yeah. - I'm doing the Australian isn't then. - I was telling Chris to fall apart. - I was telling Chris, I'm dreading the phone call of him being like, we got to start a pod together. - Oh! (laughing) - I was like, Chris, it's a, Let me. Let's snip it in the butt right now. - Yeah, we're not doing it in the butt. - We're not doing it in the butt. - You love to do your butt dance, you can come on my mind. - Yeah, no, I'm fine. - I mean, but you guys are still going strong with the pod. You still think it's the way. Just keep it going. - Yeah, something to do. - Something to do. - Something to do. - Well, what about you now that you got a kid, you want to do it more like as the kid gets older, I'm gonna be interested to see going on the road and doing all this stuff if you're gonna be like, man, do I do it? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't do anything, I don't want to do any little thing. What about this wedding, I'm like, why would I want to go to the wedding? - Yeah, I don't want to do anything. - I don't even want to do a pod. So like, yeah, every little, small shit you can do, you can do it. - Right. - Maybe Mark will turn into a recluse, I could see that for you. - Oh, I would've liked to be a recluse. - You got the nice house, you could be a recluse. - I would love to be a recluse. - You know, you're studying where you yell your kid if he fucking calls you. - Hell yeah. - Yeah, I'm studying my, you know, they'd instead of like books, you're just watching old fucking comedy, it's like you're a recluse, but you don't have any knowledge. - Right. - It's not like a library, you can't teach him anything. You're like, here's the rule of three, son. - Yeah. - And that's pretty much all I got. - Yes, and we still have nothing to give the next generation. - No, no, no. - We see he's not gonna leave. - He knows who Mort Solis is. - Yeah. - What? - I was thinking about that too. It's like, it used to be like younger women would fuck like professors, or like Titans of industry. And they would learn things, and it's like, now it's like, if you fucking me, I'm like, yeah, George Clooney was Batman once. (laughing) - And like a 24 year old's really? - Yeah. (laughing) - I'm like, yeah, he had nipples on his suit. Like that's, that's the, that's the fucking like wisdom I have to give people. - We used to rent it a blockbuster. Blockbuster, let me sit you down. - Yeah. - It was great. - It was great. - It was great. - Yeah, it was, it was 24 year lowest you'd go. - I think so, yeah. - That's the one? - Yeah, I think that's a good cutoff. - Yeah, 24. - But they say, they say now, the newer studies, 27 they think now is when the brain fully forms into the adults. - One bit up to 25. (laughing) - That's exactly what I'm saying to this comedian. - Yeah, yeah. - Let me get to know. - Yeah. - I know, 20 set, well when I saw the news, I was shocked. When I saw that 27, I was like 27, come on. - Yeah. - So what about like a young female CEO? - Right. - How's that work? - This is awesome. Just like inventing a woman to allow yourself to fuck younger people in theory. (laughing) - I'm just saying, if you can't fuck a 23 year old, let a 23 year old shouldn't be a CEO. - Name a young female CEO right now. - I don't know any CEO. - Someone who's out there. - No, no, no, no, no. (laughing) (laughing) - She didn't see any of the war, but she left, so she's still affected. - Right. - She is. - Yeah, see what he's doing. - 100% dude. - Yes. - Yeah. - She was like near, she was in Ukraine. - This is good. Our goal was to tank the fuck out of this. - Minimum business. - Yeah. - I'm being like, you should be more a fuck young ref. - You should be more a fuck young ref. - This is the part of the podcast that these fans love. This goes viral now. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We're on CNN. - I know what's really gonna go viral. The last minute of us silently eating big dick eclairs. - Oh, yeah. - How do we, guys? - Which one do you want the one with more J's or more veins? - I want the veins. - Ooh. - I want the veins. - Look at that little candle. - This is like New Year's. This is great, man. - This is great. - Oh my God. - You castry. - All right. - Look at that. That is fucking good. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna eat the balls. - You know what I'm gonna eat the balls. - That's it. The two bears one came. - Two bears. - Should we do it again? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, come on. - I'm gonna do it. - I'm taking it off. - So rude. - All right. - I feel like Joe D'Arosa. - Oh. - I'm fucking good. - Oh, man. - I could eat this whole thing. - This is good. - What about this? - It was just 10 more minutes of it. - Well, it was awkward. - It was awkward. - I've said, people hate when you eat a little mic. This, we really have finished. That was me and Chris's goals to tank the pod. - Yeah. - I feel like the last minute being our friends just coming in and us catching up. You're not even on camera. - This is sinking. - This is meant for two people. - We're like billionaires in the submarine. (laughing) - Oh my god. - Oh, I'm feeling good. - Oh, yeah. - It's pretty good. - Yeah. - It's fucking awesome. - Well. - We're gonna eat more chocolate, cock. - Yeah, that's great. - Thank you for having me on Compton. (laughing) - That's an hour by. (laughing) (laughing) - Wow. ♪ Listen, Stalby, Stalby and Chris ♪ ♪ Need the grows of beard ♪ ♪ And they both wear shirts ♪ ♪ Stalby's a Greek ♪ ♪ And Chris is a gay and some may say ♪ ♪ The show is better this way ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Two bears, one cave ♪ (upbeat music) - Yeah.