The Summer Bears Came For The Winter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Cheers We thought we were doing a horrible job last time You are in for four of The most phoned in episodes You have ever experienced in your lives And we don't give a fuck That's the beauty of this This is like, okay, the last summer It was like when Your parents have a work trip So they have to get a babysitter to watch you This is just Now your parents are on benzos In the pool and they've just hired a maid To look at you We're just like A babysitter Because your parents are sick of looking you in the face 100% And I'm speaking for you Stavi But I believe that you'll agree with me Two things I'll never do in my life This podcast full time Or Bert Kreischer's comedy cruise Listen Yeah, the cruise is tough I got an offer for it And the answer is a resounding no And it always will be I'm not getting on a boat With Bert Kreischer A boat is one step too far I don't want to be in international waters With Bert's biggest super fans I don't need to be in international waters Close to his bare nipples No thanks I'll be on a tour bus with his nips I like the tour bus I need to be on dry land I need to know I could bail out And I could fucking hitchhike To the nearest Buc-ee's and get home If something goes wrong Now they're holding on to this show To this network The same reason why parents hold on They're trying to make sure We want to stay together Until our kids are 18 Then we'll go on They're holding on Because they have a contract With HelloFresh We're here to sell pre-portioned Chicken cordon blues And that's all we're here for The money was given up front And so between that and BetterHelp And whatever lightning strike Bullshit drink that they sell All that stuff We were like advertising Like a financial services company Remember that? That was insane 100% yeah Tom is the best Is doing season two Of his Netflix show Coming up with new ways To shit his pants And Bird has a multicam sitcom On that I don't know what's gonna happen With that So that's just crazy That's true They have found their ladders out They're trying to climb out Of podcasting with sitcoms and movies Yes And basically we're keeping The seat warm in case those both fail Exactly If those shows are successful This show is done And you guys know it Now we're gonna actively What we're gonna try to do We're gonna try to actively do Over the next four weeks Is try not to get invited back For Spring Bears So we're gonna do What we can here Will it be possible? I don't know I don't know We're gonna try We're gonna try You know joke world Will do what he can To interview us And tell the fans It's a good thing And you know And so But the honest God Is we're trying here We're here with the Winter Bears Now what I do like about this What is positive about this Is you and I We don't see each other much We don't This is a great opportunity To catch up And this chance for us to hang You know We were both talking about Having our breakfast That's right And we were both talking about How we need to really You know get our health together You need to dial in You have a lot of stuff coming up And I was like I want to get my health together For my kids As we're both eating Bacon, egg, and cheeses In our left hand And muffins with our right No it's actually worse than that Because what we did was I Particularly me You to be fair Were happy to be a little Slut while we're here Yes You would have Whatever Benson Spoon He's in the booth We're on Benson's home turf Whatever he had brought us Whatever like If he poured caramel Into a trough You would have had that For breakfast 100% You love to pretend It's out of your hands Right Because in your heart You are a fat piece of shit I just work out a little Exactly And so when it's When it's out of your When the circumstances Force you to have treats So last time You basically told Benson Spoon To bring us donuts And desserts Muffins And I was like Hey man I'm trying to get it together Don't do that this time So he had Egg white sandwiches And then I just pulled The absolute fat guy move Where Shout out to Josh He also got Just an extra Breakfast platter So even though I ordered an egg white sandwich With like spinach And avocado I took the bacon From The breakfast platter And put it on To an egg white sandwich Which is worse Than just a regular Egg sandwich And let's be honest You forget I was standing Right next to you You also put the home fries In the sandwich as well I use the home fries Yes I use home fries As a condiment Yes I use fried potatoes As a topping Yes I don't If I don't eat it with a fork I don't consider That I've even had hash browns Right That's part of the sandwich As far as I'm concerned But So you know And then of course Yes I had some muffin I'm the same way Right It's tough And last Yesterday I was I was crushing Pepto-Bismol So I might They might not only pay us To do these shows But I might Completely wreck the plumbing At YMA Studios With the weird Pepto There's a weird Fucked up green Pepto shit In my intestines That's That bacon from the morning In the muffin Is just Pounding it from the back Right now Ready to go It's gonna rock it out Yeah man I I fully It's one of those things Where I also I went to Houston last night And I ate I decided to What did we have? See here's the thing I had a really good day Okay Right And then I decided I said I really want pizza And then I looked at the menu At the Houston Punchline And I noticed They had cauliflower crust pizza Which I'm thinking Oh my god Oh this is This is healthier And less carbs So I got a pepperoni Cauliflower crust pizza A cauliflower crust Comedy club pizza In Texas Yeah dude I mean Listen to those back Listen to those words back It felt It was disgusting It was like I was eating A UFC fighter's ear Just a nice Cauliflower ear pizza And it was And the I woke up in the middle of the night At like three o'clock In the morning I was supposed to come Here last night And be in Austin Early this morning So we could get this started But I literally Was having like Explosive Diarrhea Like I couldn't leave The confines of the hotel Because of that cauliflower pizza And I just started to feel better And then I immediately ate The food that Benson Spoon Has provided for us So I'm with you And maybe what we can do Is for episode two We can really just mail it in And actually have them Set up cameras Live look into the stalls And us do a podcast While we have battle shits Mic up the bowl Just mic it up I mean that's pretty much What Tom and Bert do On a weekly show On a weekly basis That is true The verbal equivalent Yeah and I can feel There is no I mean the energy in here sucks You guys are only seeing it this way But we're looking over here And it looks bad I mean dude It looks like Ukraine out there Yeah But over here Like woo Yeah But you know I think that I'm happy to do this I am happy to be back Look all joking aside It is fun I love Tom and Bert It is fun to be here And it is fun to just do a podcast That doesn't affect us at all Zero That's the You know what I mean Yeah There's no There's no stakes for us It's just a good time We just happen to both be in Texas At the same time Yeah And they hit us up so Yeah the only thing I have to deal with Is Giannis is watching this With a gun in his mouth He's like If you start another podcast With someone else I'll fucking kill you And your family You just start a podcast With a different Greek Yes You know You really are It is He is watching And it's like By the end of this You go back to History of heinous Talking about how much You love Mom Donnie Yes You really are just The idiot bellwether That's blown between two Greeks A hundred percent One Republican Fucking Yeah Now he Giannis has become A suburban Republican father Sure And then one fucking Degenerate socialist You know Single city dweller Yeah the freaking Whole revolution And then I'm just doing I'm just climbing The ladder of Greeks You know The Giannis Stavi And then eventually I am trying to get back On Fuller House With John Stamos Just trying to get in there Fuller House Fuller The third one Yeah No No but history Hainas is safe We're having a good time Over there at the history Hainas And let me be clear It's my choice That it's safe You actually Yes This is basically Like a Jolene Giannis is basically Singing Jolene to me He's like Please don't take my man He's like I'm good man I just want I just want to fuck him A couple times You can keep him Yeah It's the Chris Rock joke Of like Where he was like Men will Cause women want to Take your Take your Like the joke is like Women want to Take your husband Men don't want to Take your wife No They want to fuck your wife Yeah But they don't want to Take her No Great joke Off of Tambourine Great special And that's how I feel About our relationship You know We come in We cheat on our Eldest is out here He's getting cucked Harder than Giannis 100% He has to watch this He's watching this From closed circuit TV Yeah He's watching And he's just sitting out there With the guys who opened for me Just asking him a million questions About his camera equipment And he's just sitting there Two and a half hours Talking about lenses And Eldest thinks He looks like you That's the other funny thing Eldest has like Hilarious Albanian self esteem Yeah Where he thinks He's so much hotter than he is Right He's looking at this He's like What the hell Why am I a producer I should be on the mic Yes Eldest looks like me If he was born in Hiroshima In 1945 If his dad's balls Were just in nuclear goo Yes He was born in Chernobyl Chernobyl's it Absolutely Yeah So No But I think that Yeah It's Our relationship is You know We come and do this podcast We have sex 'cause we have hot, gorgeous sex, but then we both go back to our committed relationship relationships absolutely stavi's world to history hyenas and everybody wins we are kind of like we're like a legal affair here we can have an affair with each other we could be good and everybody's winning we're podcast polyamorous exactly what we are dude exactly what we come in we fuck we come into burt and tom's house and fuck each other so our wives don't know where we are exactly yeah and then burt and tom can go do whatever they need to do and then they can come back and everything's good we've kept the seats warm that's right and this is what it is we've kept the seats uh cover uh immersed in jizz basically yes they haven't they haven't dried out and this would be good i think moving forward for relationships in general because everyone always says the same thing like oh i would never cheat on my wife if she would just allow me to have sex with other women it would be better for us if you let me have sex with everyone says that it's not your internal monologue you're talking about right now because like you know this well known thing that everybody says i should be able to fuck when i'm on the road everyone thinks that everyone thinks that as long as i'm a time zone away it's a time zone and an ethnicity away yeah you can everyone further the time zone the the closer you can get to fucking a latina yeah the entire borough of staten island is agreeing with me right now but it's like they people make this argument oh if i could step out it would make things better now who knows if it's true or not i would never try i love my family but i will say that for podcasting this works you and i said we were like you know because they said oh we want you and stavi to do a show for ymh and we said we can't we're not doing this shit long term yeah but coming in seasonal and hitting them with the feel this works yeah when it's like when you hire when they have to hire extra hands at target on christmas yeah i mean to really stock all the toys that's what we're here for yeah we're we're the we're the two guys with down syndrome that come and help out the big markets like walmart and target to just absolutely we're getting thrown a bone here absolutely it's the fight nobody saw it coming jake paul versus anthony joshua live on netflix december 19th two worlds collide in the ring and draft king sportsbook has the action covered bet on every round every punch every knockout moment with live betting and 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life insurance since i was 32 years old protect your family with life insurance from ethos get your free quote at ethos.com bears that's ethos.com bears application times may vary rates may vary fall is the perfect time to refresh and reorganize your space at the home depot find power tools and tool sets starting at fifty dollars at the home depot find power tools and tool sets starting at fifty dollars to help tackle diy projects home updates and more whether you're drilling brackets to support new shelving or sharpening your hedge trimmer blade with an angle grinder the home depot has the tools you need to check projects off your list shop labor day savings at the home depot and gear up for fall projects with the right tools to keep your projects moving what is going on with you chrissy it's been a while you know how's the fam how's the you've moved fully into your new home now i've moved fully into my new home and what's interesting is i've moved fully into my new home and then as soon as i closed i'm talking about day two the insurance company told me i need a new roof so i now am actively trying to get uh out of the house that i just purchased are you serious yeah because i'm like this thing needs a new roof i didn't know it crazy but here's my thing how much does a fucking roof cost it i know i should just get a new fucking roof stay i know your kids are gonna be fucking like they're gonna have like fucking ptsd i know i want to get one of them tesla roofs so but what our kids are having you somehow your kids are growing up with a new roof upper middle class but they have the like the mentality of a war-torn refugee yeah yeah my kids are growing up that's why they're pro-palestine and and so and so but i'm not i am if i wouldn't i'd be lying if i said it hasn't crossed my mind to sell my house of course it absolutely has of course i'm not gonna do it and here okay but if i do do it if you if i do do it if i did it here's the big difference which i think this is because thinking about it i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna about the kids first i would not move out of the town that i'm in so i won't change their schools right you already sent pies to the police officers yes you've already tried to to bribe the police with a sweet potato pie i did oh yeah dude and i they've also been invited to the house for thanksgiving so i i but i have been thinking about it and i noticed what happens with me you're addicted to moving bro i know you're addicted to zillow yes you love fucking moving that's who my sponsor is boxing shit up i know and i and the thing is too is like i don't even do it like i try to hire companies to do the moving for me because i don't want to do it i think i'm addicted to being overwhelmed you ever think about that like i think i'm addicted to just having some type of constant chaos overwhelming issue yeah in my life i get that because if you have that you can't actually sit and be with your thoughts and your actual deficiencies yes you can't you don't want to be faced with the fact that you desperately want to cheat every every moment of the day all you want is a muffin yeah strange pussy that's it you've been having egg whites and been in a committed relationship so if you're constantly boxing up your things and worried about new schools you can't let your natural italian mind wander wander yeah yeah and then and then for me to top all that off i'm gay so yeah even though the furthest even that is like a red herring from the real issue yes yes every time every single time i come up for air and start to meditate i just see my face on veto in the parking lot coming up giving the blow job in the sopranos that's that's so funny you try and meditate you just within three minutes you're looking you're you're thinking about vivid gay sex just right away right away to the point where there'll be times where like we're just watching a show in bed like jazz and i and she's like it's okay if you're gay and in fact that's actually such a best case scenario oh my god she would because she knows we would always i'd always they're my family for life i'll always take care of them as long as i have things they have things but then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of like moving on with another woman she'd be like oh he's just you know he's just in a committed relationship with a guy now now you think if you were gay you wouldn't have because gay guys they love that they have to them cheating isn't even a concept right you know what i mean it's like how certain uh certain like uh different people can't see different colors right or like you know coyotes dogs can only see in colors gay guys don't even or certain languages don't have concepts you know like they don't have the concept of cheating in the gay vernacular yeah it's like it's i think in in french society too i think it's okay to cheat i'm all right i've i i've heard that french guys the way it works in france is is you can cheat on your spouse that's allowed you're just not you just can't fall in love right but you can bang and have sex that's a natural urge okay it's within it's my right as a christian man to be able to do that but have sex the friend yeah and you even have your you set your mistress up and a little and a pita tail a little pita tail yeah a little and i've actually tried to get that and pulled it off as like as a studio for the history i mean is right but i've been denied the pita tail but yannis and i both have asked our wives is it possible to just have a little pita tail and the answer is a resounding no really it's a resounding no from both the lives i get yannis though yeah no yannis seems like he's over even getting oh yeah dude yannis is 50 years old he wants to pontificate that's it not nut anymore 100 dude he wants to hang out with ethan hawke he just wants to talk about ethan hawke poems yeah and movies all day i listen i respect that ethan hawke i can't wait to see the new one uh uh what is it called blue something oh yes yeah i've seen ads for it yeah he he like before midnight before sunrise all those movies ethan hawke next level insane fucking actor oh yeah uh fuck the paul schrader movie what the fuck was that called um so good he's the priest who like fucking anyway great actor i saw here's a funny thing well not funny just a random thing about ethan hawke is i one time was getting first reformed oh first reformed yeah fucking movie i was getting on a flight on an american airlines flight with ethan and ethan hawke was there and we were boarding and i sat like i was sitting like right across from him and so like i would you know go to the bathroom whatever and like just give him like little pounds and i did it probably two or three times like i was i was i was being an idiot yeah and he was cool about it though he's like yeah what up you know like whatever he was very cool and then he was probably like i'm happy like that guy was annoying and i rightfully so and then i stayed in la for like a week and a half and then on my flight from la back to jfk i was sitting in the same aisle as him and he said i swear to god dude and i respect it for this he took off his headphones seriously and was like hey man i just are you following me wow and i said and and it was i know how this looks and it was one of those things where i was like so i was like mr hawke i was like i am not i was like this is ranz i was like i've been thinking all week i know i bothered you a little bit i apologize yeah and i i remember that i believe it was the san antonio spurs when the nba championship uh at that time yeah it was like a few years ago this is a long whenever the last time they made the finals it was then i mean dude we're talking the my when they were against the heat yeah when's the last time the spurs made it was during that time and i remember uh we were all watching the game on the way home and i like he i think he was rooting for the spurs he might be from texas because he was definitely rooting for the spurs he was rooting for the spurs he was rooting for the spurs and um and uh and i remember like i like you know was like oh like the score and then he looked at me and gave me a pound wow i was like okay so he's a cool guy he's cool i don't know that he would ever remember that no let me tell you something no he wouldn't and if he did it's because he's like has your he has your face he has like a picture of a and you're on a list of like don't let these guys near the property you know two things are probably true he doesn't remember me and it wasn't ethan hawke just some guy with a beard yeah some guy with a beard it was just some woman yeah now what about you dude what's been going on with you you got a lot of stuff going on uh you know movie which is cool begonia go see it it's still in theaters that's going out that's out there uh i basically have just i am just trying this is the story of my life just not to try and get a little less fat you know that's what every day i found out that i'm on so i'm on fat guy medicine i'm on uh not ozempic zep bound what's the difference i think it's just a different you know peptide type shit it's a glp it's a glp one that's the main one and uh and i so i just went to a doctor who's not a doctor he's a nurse practitioner that would just kind of okay it's dr drew he would be yeah he basically it's literally just a guy you know it's funny he dressed what's funny about him is he kind of dresses like a doctor and then you look at his card and there's no md to be found anywhere yeah it's just a guy who's a doctor nurse practitioner which is fine respect the nurse yeah you're looking at him you're like you know he's he's very smart but i saw him on kill tony yeah dude my dog oh my if my doctor's a bucket pool no that's no good so what was he saying well he just was not it turns out i was and then i talked to a doctor who specializes in fat guy medicine okay and i should have been going up in dose i was eating through the there's like a 2.5 a 5 7.5 10 and i was like oh my god all the way up to 15 i was at five for like four months and you're supposed to go up in dose when it stops kind of being effective so basically i would take the shot and it would work like one day and then i would just 0.5 is no match from for like from when i really want to fucking i was eating a lot of pizza i was getting a lot of sushi not cauliflower crust either real stuff the good shit yeah actually shout out to the if we're talking about since we're talking about comedy club pizzas the greensboro comedy zone where i did do uh i did do a show uh shockingly good pizza really yeah it was like it kind of tastes like the best version of chucky cheese pizza interesting nostalgic for that of course dude kind of buttery crisp the other day the other day i ate an elio's pizza oh wow i just heated one of those puppies up wow you're reminding you're remembering your latchkey kid days in brooklyn yes just fucking heating up in elio's sleeping jacking off in your mom's bed after school the old chrissy d move 100 yeah you know trying to join the army to defend this country from the 9-11 hijackers just beating up an indian guy because you thought he was from fucking iraq yeah calling every person who's a shade darker than me muhammad atta fist fighting dominicans and then planting a quran on them to make it look like a hate yeah and then going practicing my free throws but so yeah so what happened so anyway i'm just so now i'm on the new dose i'm looking good yeah i'm not it's it actually works because it dude there's there's nothing more depressing than thinking like oh i'm going to beat this medicine right i am going to fucking the the miracle cure that the fattest fat people the most classically a man whose name is fat joe got skinny off this medicine yes and it's like i am going to lose to this like i'm gonna beat it there's nothing i can do yeah i'm gonna just be fattish like there were some depressing days and i realized like oh i just wasn't on the right dosage right now now i'm pretty good and you're feeling good i'm feeling good there were days where my brain hadn't matched i was still fighting the 7.5 like i ate a fucking pint of ice cream over like two and a half hour hours oh yeah because it like hurt my stomach but i was like you're not gonna beat me you fucking pussy i'm stronger than you medicine yeah and then i woke up the next day diarrhea i was like why did i do that yeah how do i start my morning every day well i started with the beautiful gorgeous morning dump why because i'm drinking ag1 okay that keeps me flowing that keeps me healthy ag1 my asshole is my whole body just runs good i feel clean on the inside a lot of the men i've been hanging out with after hours have told me how that they i don't even need to douche because ag1 is just keeping me clean ag1 is the daily health drink that combines your multivitamin pre and probiotics superfoods and antioxidants into one simple green scoop it's one of the easiest things you can do to support your body i wish stavros wasn't on business calls right now because he's the one that really needs to hear this so this time of year more important than ever to be proactive about supporting your immune health i don't want you getting sick out there baby come on you want to be sick for the holidays ag1 is going to help you out life can start to get really busy so ag1 all they do is they help you stay consistent with the rest of your routine is thrown off the one scoop that's what i do i do it in a scoop of water sometimes i throw it in a scoop of yogurt and i have a good time i use it you should too you're gonna love it now as always they always give nice offers that's what i like about them as a company i like their product because it helps my body and it also helps my wallet baby ag1 has the best offer ever going on right now if you head to drinkag1.com bears you'll get the welcome kit a morning person hat a bottle of vitamin d3 plus k2 and an ag1 flavor sampler and you're going to get to try their new sleep supplement agz for free which has been a game changer for my nightly routine i have i've been having a little bit of trouble sleeping because i just bang out coffees too much this has really helped me so go to drinkag1.com slash bears for 126 dollars in free gifts for new subscribers i didn't say 125 dollars i said 126 dollars so if you're not going to drinkag1.com slash bears you're going to get a free gift for you're just you're being an asshole listen to me okay do you run a small business if you if you do and you're not using shopify i honestly have no idea what the hell you're even doing okay shopify shopify it is the point of sale system it has a unified command center for all your retail business whatever you're shipping out from t-shirts to dildos shopify is the way to go okay it brings together a lot of people and it brings together a lot of people and it brings together a lot of people and it brings together in-store and online operations across 1 000 locations all right i mean truly if you're not using shopify i just don't i don't even know if we could be friends anymore i really don't okay i'm a i'm a shopify little slut i like it and it's proven to help your business it's 22 better total cost of ownership and benefits that's equivalent to an 8.9 uplift i'm getting an 8.9 uplift in my pants right now on sales of average relative to the market set survey if you're not literally covered in jizz listening to this i don't know what you're doing you need to go to a doctor so get all the big stuff for your small business right with shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash bears go to shopify.com slash bears that's shopify.com slash bears well what is it what does it necessarily do it just makes you not hungry yeah it kind of regulates your yeah exactly right in theory people who are fat and i i really do believe this because i can just eat so fucking much and it's just like you're just your chemistry is just wrong your internal shit is fucked up yeah so you don't regulate hunger the way normal motherfuckers like you actually that button that tells me i'm full doesn't happen for it really doesn't dude like i i have to be in pain to stop eating right you I mean it's so fucked up where I there have been times where I like know how to trick my body like i'll drink water yeah i'll drink a bunch of water like balloon up the stomach and then i'll just fill it up real fast with meats before it has it has time to realize it's not water it's meat that's in there and then as soon as my body realized i have the most horrific diet like one thanksgiving it was the it was the pandemic right and so me and my brothers used to do korean barbecue thanksgiving nice very american of you it's very yeah yeah exactly what squanto wanted i think you would yeah i think you would have liked that you know yeah uh and uh and so but usually you go to a restaurant you can't overeat at a restaurant no it's tough but it's the pandemic everything's closed so we just go to a uh h mart load up on meats and shit and i just have a tin like a big ass fucking tin full of fucking short rib and i'm just eating it no kimchi nothing healthy kimchi a little bit little kimchi a little rice little soy a little uh uh sesame oil and salt a little fucking uh bean uh bean paste yep great great shit and dude i just i almost it was like i was eating it on a schedule where it was like my timer would go off so i would have just enough time for my body to think i stopped eating and then i would fucking eat some real quick it was like when when actresses talk like when hill uh what's her face hillary swank had to get to be million dollar baby she'd like wake up in the middle of the night to have like protein yeah i was every like hour waking up and just eating fucking short ribs yeah and i i get to the point where i'm like i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know how my ass is snapped back yes but it was like a it was like a grapefruit of just like korean scented shit like just hard and honestly smelled kind of good i didn't have time to i didn't have time to really digest i was eating it so much yeah that the fragrant herbs overpowered the shit and it was like i was kind of like maybe i should eat this if i walked into a restaurant it smelled like that i'd be like hey what's up i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like what's that dude well koreans have a have an enzyme in their body where their sweat doesn't smell so maybe they're they you cannot get a korean person's armpits to smell like bo it's not possible tried yes exactly i've i've captured a couple of them just put them in the sauna you're tickling their armpits with feathers i'm like come on and nothing so maybe there's something in the food that is interesting and by the way let me tell you i've i know you know i i called uh an mtv2 called off the bat that nobody watched basically mlb was like oh we want to make baseball available for like a younger audience right so we're gonna make it cool yeah so they put it on sundays at 11 a.m i was like the perfect time slot let's get fat joe and uh the first guy from guy code that replies yes yeah and you happen to be looking at your email before schultz the job was yours yes i beat him to it and so yeah you beat john gabriel and schultz and you got to do it yeah and so and so fat joe was like you know the other host and sway from sway in the morning was aaron melanie iglesias and it was a great show but fat joe he had lost all that weight back then in 2014 you know this is years before i was epic what was he doing was he uh well so go ahead no so i'm sitting with them right and we're in the green room wow look at that oh wow you really looked way more like a fucking brooklyn green like a puffy fat you have that fat fucking goomba face there dude you look so much better now yeah i just dude i was you know what that was dude that was me like i was eating a lot but that was drinking that was i still drink a little bit but that was like serious like drink drinking beers like every day beers with fucking pat finnegan at o'neill's you know what i mean that was me that was me in mass pith queens just throwing back brews i love it and so but fat joe we're sitting in the green room one day before the show and i'm like dude like you know because i was feeling fat and puffy i was like what do you lose how do you lose all this way he goes yo man you know what the secret is one thing baby all i had to do i still eat the way i eat but now every single day i make sure i have a black cherry seltzer and i said and i said what he was like black cherry seltzers baby that's the only thing that i changed man and he goes joey crack he goes and i changed my whole life black cherry seltzers and i was like no way that's true no way that's true yeah so that but that was his claim i mean black cherry seltzers and the thing with fat joe dude he's such a funny guy he would tell the best stories like i remember one time he's telling he's telling the story he had like the whole like room like riveted right because he was in front of a live audience so he's telling us this amazing story once where he's like he's like yeah he's like you know it's like 1994 or whatever him and big pun when big pun was still alive the tunnel the famous club in new york city nightclub in new york city is closed now but he was like you know we were going into the tunnel one night he was like and there were drug uh there were uh gang members that were robbing rappers chains or like athletes chains going into the tunnel right so he said one day me and big pun you know they're hardcore dudes from the bronx yeah of course so so they walk into the tunnel and the gang members are right there with guns at like right at their chest so he's like yo run your chains and him and big pun are like you know he's like as much as we want to fight these they got the guns in our chest so like you know what are we going what are we going to do he goes and it was like this moment that like felt you know like an eternity but it was five ten seconds or all of a sudden out of nowhere they hear yo who got a gun to my man who got a gun at my man now this is like 1994-95 it's fucking mike tyson so mike tyson they said walks into the tunnel he has like four chains on no shirt on this is heavyweight champion mike tyson and he looks at the gang bands he goes y'all gonna have to go through me wow and he said the guys literally put the guns back just like in the belt box of their pants and walked out sorry mr tyson sorry mr tyson yeah god he was yeah and i i'm even forget because it was he told me so long i'm even forgetting like better parts of that story but he told me he told me he told me he told me he told me and we the way he had us like in the palm of his hand dude and i was like dude you should come you should come do stand-up comedy with me i was doing a show at caroline's that weekend i was like you have like a natural gifter you can rap and you can you know tell these stories like yeah i'm gonna do i'm gonna do it and then he showed up and absolutely bombed yeah i mean you're an idiot i'm a dumb shit i just needed extra ticket sales it was 2014 so i put up on my facebook wall fat you have had the most hilarious fakest every tv show you've been a part of feels fake fake yeah and has had no impact no cultural impact zero gets canceled immediately after one season or mid-season let's run through it you had that i didn't even know about that one mlb uh i've also been a part of eight pilots not one so i'm over eight with my own show ideas um one of my pilots i illegally put up on my youtube my cbs sitcom pilot so you can go to chris di stefano cbs pilot on my christy comedy youtube and you'll see that you were hoping for like a internet groundswell like we got to get this on and just no one even watched nothing i actually i got a cease and desist letter from cbs and i violated a major part of the contract so that's what happened there um and then and i've been a part of guy code and girl code on mtv and mtv arguably the most those are the most culturally impactful however yeah they drop mtv dropped the ball on monetizing it on a tour like the impractical at that time the impractical jokers and guy code and girl code were getting similar views but the impractical jokers you know obviously their show is iconic show but they were able to captivate they were able to generate into like a tour is that really what you want your life to be no and on a fucking bus with the rest of guy code and girl code on a bus with yeah with andrew schultz and mer no i i guy code and girl code at that time you want to be 40 being like if your girl's got a body count of nine she's take that bitch to the gutter you know what i mean you want to be a grown man they're like slut shaming teenagers well dude even when i wasn't even when i was like in my late 20s when i was doing guy code i was still a physical therapist i was a pediatric physical therapist working with like mentally and physically handicapped children like that's what i did simultaneously while i was doing guy code and girl code before i could transition to a career in and the principal of the school i remember comes this is before the internet like they had seen it on tv they come in and they're like oh um it wasn't before the internet by the way what well actually you're right it wasn't it but i'm saying it wasn't like as rampant it wasn't like social media he went to the library and looked up and got a vcr tape yeah yeah somebody sent me a slide and no but my principal of the school was like um this is before i had kids or anything she was like um you know uh we understand that you're uh moonlighting as a comedian and it's been brought to our attention that uh you were going to be a celebrity for a long time and i was like why are you doing this to me and she was like why are you doing this to me and i was like why are you doing this to me and she was like why are you doing this to me and i was like why are you doing this to me and she was like why are you doing this to me and i was like why are you doing this to me and she was like why are you doing this to me and i said yeah i said you know it's this and that they're like that's fine they were like but you know they're you do work with children here and some of the parents of these children watch the show and you just put on an episode with you're the featured of and then the name of it is guy code to hiding your boner i swear to god to hiding your boner and it was like a whole we did 20 minutes on that and they were like we just don't think that's not appropriate as you're working with children because they are seeing it and now you know the parents have said they're trying to do some of the tips that you've said and of course it's borderline the children are trying to hide their boners guy code yes by following guy code yeah they don't want to be in violation of international guy code so let's open that this is a rich vein of discussion yes what are what is the what's where did you land on the guy code so i said the guy code hiding your boner depends what your life you're in i said if you're in school it's very easy you just wear your book bag in the front oh that's all you did when archbishop mulloy high school all boy catholic high school shouted out interesting that's where you were getting boners yes you were getting boners at archbishop mulloy it was not a woman in sight zero it was just it was just you know guys in khakis yeah and so i remember if you had your book bag on in the front and you were walking through the hallway changing classes the whole school would just go boner even the teachers would get involved like yeah dude patty we know you got a boner and so that and then the obvious classic move is hide it in your waistband is the way to go um and and and then i forgot there was other ways like i would pattern pants and things like that but the main thing is pants an optical illusion to hide your right exactly if you want to get scientific with it so it depends on like a swirl like the hypnosis yeah pants yeah or like or like one of those like lollipops and just come lick it yeah and and so i remember i remember that my principal goes you know and you have to kind of choose right now because this is uh inappropriate and i remember like i had this moment where i was like you know what my mom i said i had my mom on one shoulder saying you you gotta you have a doctor's degree and i'm like i'm gonna go to the doctor's degree and i'm like i'm gonna go to the doctor's degree and i'm like i'm gonna go to the doctor's degree and physical therapy you have health insurance you're making money okay not great money but you're making money you need to stay in this job and then i had my dad on the other side of being like yo go live your life yeah yeah yo nobody can hide that boner baby you go live your life quit it yeah quit that show quit that quit that job and go do comedy even though i had no path at the time to comedy and i just as always chose my dad you listen to your dad the man who made you hide out as a child yes the man whose life decisions yes made you wanted in ridgewood yes the man the man who caused me and my mom to get very familiar with the amtrak schedule out of penn station uh in 1989 so so and that's what i i remember i chose that and dude for like the first week i had like i remember i had like 240 dollars in my bank account yeah and i remember like i had quit right and my uh dad was like you can stay with me like live in my basement don't tell your mother that you quit and i didn't and then and then yeah and i remember that they the for like a week maybe two weeks like no money like what am i gonna do here try was trying to get any gig i could and then mtv came and gave me like an overall deal which basically like was my physical therapy salary maybe even more to like do comedy but then i wore then i was an mtv i belonged yeah to mtv so that's when carson daly got to fuck your ass whenever he wanted 100 that's how he warmed up for trl yeah you had to fluff him oh yeah dude and then they started putting me on every mtv show they because they were just paying for me and i was on some shows that you've never heard of like little duvall's making it in america you know i was doing this show and that show i mean i was just bomb after bomb yeah a bunch and then you had a weird home improvement show for a while yes i had a weird home improvement show backyard bar wars which was a great show um and then i uh was on uh what was it true tv uh during the pandemic yeah and then i did that and i just you know did they wanted to do season two and i just didn't show up i was like i i just don't want to go i don't want to go leave my family again and so that was a problem and then i was on a show on ifc called benders that was a hockey show that actually schultz was on yeah uh me and schultz did that that's a fun show that was early that was a fun show and that was an actual attempt at art yes instead of like mtv schlock bullshit yes you at least tried to be in a sitcom yes i tried to do that and so that got one season eight episodes then i had another show on comedy central called stupid questions um that was like a you know it was like an early days podcast that's basically what it was um and then i have shows that i oh i remember this yeah that i forgot about like i don't i i've been a part of so many things in the tv side that never have seen the light of day or have actually been on then i host i hosted a show on vi i forgot about it was called the super maximum retro show and i hosted that two years ago and that the highest views that one got was 10 000 views so yeah i swear to god dude yeah yeah 10 000 views burton tom got more views so that's fucking hilarious so that one i bombed and uh and now i have another sitcom in development so we'll see what happens what do you do you are getting ran through by these guys you know these executives are just tagging your ass left and right they love it dude because they know that i'm just a good little network company boy but you know what the difference is now what what i am thankful for like with the internet illness is like now i really can and will just say no if i don't like the idea because i'm like i have what i want i have you know i have the podcast you'll definitely see oh yeah yeah i will you'll see just no one's asking right now so you're pretending you're taking a principled stance when it's like hey uh we we want to do uh the discovery network wants to do uh shave my dog's ball wars who can shave their dog's balls closer and who can get it closer to the skin yeah i'll go to my host yeah i'm like jazz i gotta get out there we need the new roof you know like you want a new tits i gotta just this is what we gotta do babe i love you i love my family yeah yeah i yeah i just i i'm just whatever jimmy kimmel wants me to do i'm doing yeah well that one was actually that was a good tv appearance i had when i hosted his show i guess hosted a show that oh we haven't seen you since then i don't think really i don't i don't know actually but i did guess did we we did oh i'm an asshole yeah we definitely talked about i think you told one of these stories already but that's fine dude like i said probably we are here to help you out here to do a bad job well we didn't do a bad enough job last time and we've learned our lesson yes we have learned our lesson and we are not going to say anything funny for the next 20 minutes until the show is over well that's what's happened to me now this deep into my comedy career is i've realized i've made up enough stories about my father that i have nothing left to say yeah all the ones all the ones that i've lied about now they just i just have to kind of what i'm doing now is just going back for specials and saying i'll do those stories because there's probably new fans half these people are dead they gave up on me so now like let's do the bits i did that last night at the houston punchline i just was running out of steam and my new stuff i was happy with my new stuff but i was like okay now i don't want to and i said you know what don't do anything from the last special i went back to my comedy central half hour and started doing that closer and that felt good i was like i got a different spin on it yeah and then i started to justify it to the other comics in the green room i was like hey you know what man it's bullshit that we always that we can't do our old stuff let's do it this is what the fans want it was just because i've been lazy and they're writing they're like yeah they all work for you they're like yeah chris yes no you're making a really good point yeah yeah you're not lazy yeah you haven't taken it for granted you're just putting an artistic spin on yes i was like you know you have saying things like marcus aurelius said i'm like you never stepped in the same river twice yeah yeah and you were seeing these jokes downstream have you have you what's your new thing you always have a new thing you're obsessed with what's going on finance finance yes finance now i'm a big guy guy now no not crypto now i'm going back old school now i'm all about financial advisors and the one percent fees and getting away from them and doing it yourself and really working on that simultaneously that and the revolutionary war oh watching ken burns revolutionary war just going deep diving about what this country really means really yeah and when the native americans and learning that but mainly the over the last week and a half week and a half it's been mostly financed to the point where uh jasmine actually said hey chris like i noticed you've been really like like going crazy like with the finance stuff she's like why don't we just set a time once every two weeks maybe you and i can like go into the backyard or something and just talk about the finances because you're getting like a little yeah obsessed like she was like you know my daughter violet is forced she's like you know you were talking to violet about bonds and she doesn't know yeah like what that means and it's just like i don't think you understand and i was like well i just want her to be absorbing it now and understand what the treasury bond is she was like i get that but she just wants to watch miss rachel and we just got a puppy oh we got a puppy wow that's the new thing that's the new thing i puppies good yeah i said what is what how can i make my life how can i put the treadmill to the highest incline and i said let's get a six week old siberian husky puppy a husky dude you're stupid stupid the most energetic dog that sheds they're like dickheads too they're like mean yeah that needs to be walked all the time it's not gonna be hot as fuck hot as fuck shedding it's around porter a puerto rican family who needs who needs it you know who's always like uh my my the jasmine is like constantly constantly constantly freezing when it's like 90 degrees so now it's like you have this dog that it needs to be 20 degrees at all times so i've messed that why did you do why did you pick siberian husky in fairness in fairness we uh we're getting worn down by our daughters to get a dog when i didn't want to get one i don't want to i was resisting and i was like you know what i want these kids to be happy so i said to jazz let's get like we're not going to stay in a house for four months yeah we'll get a dog we'll make it even more annoying to move in the future yes yeah and not now we're not be able to do anything and i said to myself i kept saying to her if we're going to get a dog then we're going to go with the best breed we're going to go with the master the one who knows what to do and that's adolf hitler's dobermans so i said dobermans are that is the dog they don't shed they are guard dogs but they also are good with families yeah this is the breed to get and then she has a jasmine a photo of them and then jasmine said i'm in love now with that one and next thing you know this dog is on a plane from la la you flew the dog yeah you know all of a sudden my credit card i thought somebody stole my info in philly two weeks ago because i'm seeing these pet nannies that it's i'm getting all these hits and they're on american airlines i said what the hell's going on jazz like oh yeah i'm flying the dog in i was like what the hell and then we didn't really look into it but now we have this dog now the whole family's attached to this dog and we see that it sheds it needs to be walked for it five miles a day. It's not good with families. And the main reason why I said, you know what, if we can get a dog, it has to be this way when I'm on the road. At least we have, you know, an extra layer of security, whatever, for my family, you know. And now we come to find out these dogs are called alert dogs and they're negotiators. So they are not going to, they will alert you that someone is breaking into the house, but they will do nothing to stop it. And as a matter of fact, they will make a decision when the burglar comes in and they might actually leave with them. Because they negotiate what's better for me. So I got one of the biggest piece of shit dogs you could possibly get. Maybe, dude, that is the worst kind of dog possible. Yes. Unless you're fucking riding the Iditarod trail or whatever. Yeah, there was, and as a proud 1776 red, white, and blue American, I got an enemy Russian dog. Oh, it's a Russian dog, too. Siberia. You're right, the Siberian Husky, wow. Yeah, so now I really just absolutely messed up. But, and I actually said to, because she, you know, the dog is shitting and pissing all over the house. It's seven weeks old. So it literally is a. Seven week old puppy. You're so fucking stupid. So dumb. You love ruining your life, man. Exactly. You really love it. So I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it. But I did say, because my daughter's now, especially my older one, she's been like, you know, I want this dog, I want this dog. And now we're like, you know, you have to kind of. Some responsibility. Responsibility for it. And so, so far, she's been pretty good. That's good. But if she goes a few days with zero responsibility, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to say, we mean what we say. You weren't responsible for these last two days. So now we're giving the dog away. No second chances. That's it. And you just fucking shoot it in the back of the head. I'm right there. You hold the LR up. Boom. A healthy puppy. Yeah. But I will say that so far, I was very, not, I'm not anti-animals. I like animals. But I was like, I got kids. I don't want to deal with the dog. But even though it's a nuisance, shitting and pissing everywhere, I actually am very connected to the dog. There's something in a human, like we're connected to them in a way that I don't think science, or maybe science can explain. I just haven't gotten to that phase of being obsessed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now I'm just busy about the Iroquois. Of course, of course. Yeah, I don't know. Dogs are fucking awesome, but I've just, it's too much fucking work for me. Yeah. I mean, someday, I've talked about it, I really want a fucking fat bulldog. Oh, yeah. I just want, because like in 101 Dalmatians where, you know, they have all the, the owners look exactly like their dogs. Yeah. I want that. Fat bulldog with a little fucking, little tracksuit. I had a Dalmatian too when I was a kid. Wow. For three months in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn. And this is actually when my dad started. This is the very first time I ever heard my father ask my mother if he thought I was gay, because my mother let me name the dog, the Dalmatian. And like, if you had a Dalmatian. You named it RuPaul? I named it Cruella. Cruella. Which is like a, you know, like a gay kind of thing to do. Cruella is a gay icon, I would say. Gay icon, exactly. Glenn Close, Cruella. And, and, and my. Young Cruella. Yep. And I heard my dad say like, oh, who named Cruella? And she was like, oh, your son. Like, you know. Because my parents were divorced. My dad would come get me on the weekends. And he was like, he named it Cruella? And then I said, yeah. And then, and then I heard, he didn't know that I, I had a small apartment. And he was like, Glenn, you think he's gay? And she was like, Tony, stop it. He's 11. And then she was like, yes, I do. I do. Well, no, I just remember thinking, oh, it's a Dalmatian. Like I could have, you know. Yeah, yeah. It's like, no, I'm not gay. I'm stupid. Yes. I just, I named it after the thing that was trying to kill it in the movie. It's like Cruella was, hated the Dalmatian. That's the whole point of the movie. Dude, and then in three months, my mom was like, I can't take this anymore. It was like, you know, because she, we also, you know, I was in school. My mom was working. Well, Dalmatians is another bad, like. For an apartment in the city. And they're hyper and they need to be walked all the time. That's why they're good for firehouses. Exactly. We weren't, we weren't doing that. So the only saving grace I thought is like, oh, I have a yard where I live now. I'm like, I can let the dog out in the yard. But then the vet said, actually, you can't. You can, but Siberian Huskies need to be walking on a trail. They are bred to go 30 miles in the frozen tundra. So you need to walk. If it goes in the yard, that'll work for like a couple of days. But then once it's explored all that, it's, that's not enough. You have to have it go in different directions at all times. That's hilarious. So I do feel a little like daunted because you realize like, oh, now I, you know, if I want to just pick up with my family and like go somewhere, you can't do that. Yeah. Now it's like, who's going to watch the dog, all that. But I don't know. That's fine, dude. I mean, whatever, dude, my toy. And if anything, you can just stay on the road. That's your wife's problem, you know? Right. Like, yeah. Like I left here, I came here and like my, my wife's got the dog, the kids and my dad and stepmom are staying there. So she's just dealing with all that while I'm here with you just eating muffins, no care in the world, just getting paid to make fun of Bert and Tom. Yeah. Yeah. That is fucking hilarious. Yeah. That's, I mean, you really picked the shittiest fucking dog you possibly could. Yeah. So it's got beautiful blue eyes though. It is. Yeah. They are cute. I mean, my brother had a half, half, uh, something like half Husky. And she was great, but she's still to this day. So fucking energetic. And they literally, they had a kid and they were just like, they just gave it to my mom. So now my mom just has a dog that she'd never, never wants. Yeah. Yeah. And her, uh, literally an old, the dog almost, my grandma like is, hangs out with the dog and we're talking about maybe the least mobile person on it. We're talking about a 94 year old half senile Greek woman and the dog just keeps fucking her up and like licking her too much, but they're friends, man. They're, it's a fun little duo. But it is interesting. Because, uh, uh, an old school Greek woman would, she will stab that, right? Like the thing is with old school Greek women, it's like they've slaughtered lambs and that's just like a Sunday. No, no. My grandma, one of her first memories is like having a piglet as her pet and just like the classic. She loved it. Uh, I think the pig's name was Buncho. She loved Buncho and then they just fucking had him for dinner one day. She got attached and it was like, that's how the world works. That's what it is. We're eating Buncho. Yeah. Well, I mean, I get it. I get it. You know, what's interesting too about, about this time, uh, doing the winter bears is last time we had so many topics that Benson Spoon had prepared. We had videos from Tom and Bert. Now none of that has been provided. They actually weren't even here when we got to the studio. They were like, we forgot. Eldish is doing the boards back there. Yeah. Yeah. Benson Spoon is like, you know, yeah. Nobody cares. I mean, they had to call in Nadav. Yeah. They had to call him back in. Yeah. They called him in from Tel Aviv. It was hard. It was hard to get out. Yeah. It was hard to get a visa out. Yeah. He was working drones. He was dropping bombs on hospitals. Yeah. Yeah. Nadav, Nadav left here. He'd rather work for Hamas than the YMH network. Social media for Hamas. Honestly, if he's doing social media for Hamas, he's doing a great job. Doing a great job. I mean, the edits, the, the, some of the, some of the things they put out there on YouTube, really great quality. Good stuff. Which by the way, that, that whole piece that I just, I just read on the way, I mean, this is probably coming out a month from now, but I just read that whole peace deal fell apart immediately. Oh, I mean, it's a complete lie. Don't, listen, you want to talk about how we ruined their sponsor, their advertiser sponsors. It's me talking about my views on the, the conflict in the Middle East. Yeah. I mean, truly though, it's like those peace deals are such fucking bullshit. And they immediately, Israel immediately started fucking bombing people. And also it's so funny that what's funny now is that you thought everyone joked that it's like, Oh, I guess, uh, the world is run by, Oh, these rich, secret. And, uh, someone's got tapes of them having sex with children. And then it's like, wait, that's literally how the world works. Like they lit like Israel fully has videos of Donald Trump getting smacked off by a child a hundred percent every time, whatever the fuck's going on. Whoever it was on Epstein's Island, they got that in HD. I promise you they got better angles than we, that they have here. They have fucking Bill Clinton, double team. I mean, a fucking double teaming of like, uh, uh, 14 year old gymnast with like fucking Bill Gates. They got that in, they got that in four K. I promise you that. Oh yeah. Lovely. And yeah. And the dog is there cutting up the clips. And I was like, what's the best part of this? Yeah. Let's get the, the funniest riffs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, he's like, Mr. Clinton, do you want me to zoom in and out on the subtitles? What are we thinking here? Do you want subtitles? Sometimes? I don't know if that's great for the algorithm anymore. Yeah. Yeah. They have the dark web. They have TikTok, which is the best highlights of them having. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, it's a, that is, that is a funny bit that we could do is like, anytime we're really picking up steam, we just talk about mom Donnie. Just watch the fans. Shout out to him, man. Shout out. Emperor. Well, it seems like Trump and mom Donnie had a good conversation. That's the funniest thing. Trump is, he's so fucking funny, dude. All you have to do is be like, hello, smile. If you have the juice and you smile at it. And give him a handshake. Like he's smitten with him. Yeah. He think like, do you see that picture of him smiling at him? It was fucking, it was literally cute. Yeah. It was like your old, it's like your grandpa who likes you. It's like when you bring your, your socialist boyfriend to Thanksgiving and your racist grandfather actually ends up loving him because he's just a charming guy. Oh yeah. It was so fucking funny. Well, so, but that is good. I mean, as long as they said, I liked when they had the little interview and Trump, they were going to say, oh, one of the reporters said something to mom Donnie. Like, are you, do you still think that's funny? I think he's a fascist. And Trump was like, you don't have to answer that. He said, you know, he said, you can say yes. It'll take too long to explain. It's like, it's like, we got it between us. Don't worry about, don't worry about them, baby. And so, and even said like, I think he'll do a good job. It's so, sometimes, I mean, Trump really is like, he just, whoever's got the juice. Yeah. If you flatter him and you know, just shake his hand and if you're, if you just stand up to him, I think he respects that. He does. And he also, he knows who's got, he knows who's like doing well. Yes. He's sort of like. - It's like he knows like, he he like if you were a loser and you fucking treated him the same way mom donnie did he wouldn't give a fuck yeah i mean he would demote you but he sees like his sons dude imagine how don jr sees this oh yeah he's like you're he's probably he's never smiled at his sons the way he smiled at mom he's so mad yeah it's it's like an austin powers gold member like scotty scotty and like he's just connecting with mini me and scotty's like fuck you don't mean to me yeah yeah well dude well that's why you know like obviously zoran mom donnie you know first muslim mayor of new york um and and the the flags the italian flags and ridgewood are flying at half past right now and listen dude all i for me i'm about preparation and i said you know we have an incoming first muslim mayor of new york that's why i went to saudi arabia because i said let me see but it's like it was a preparation got my prayer rugs i understood what it is what you know and so yeah so i'm confident now i did love that where people were like literally just he was like 9 11 happened and we're gonna let a muslim be mayor people were saying that like it was a real point it was like terrorists who happened to have the same faith 20 whatever years ago it's like they were like they couldn't understand why people didn't have a problem with yeah they're like yeah we're just we're racist yeah dude it was so funny like my group chat you know obviously it was like anti-mom donnie of course so so it was funny like all the guys in the group chat being like we were defending our city we're getting out to the voting booth nobody bought for mayor you know what even though cuomo's gay we're gonna vote for cuomo and then like that more you know i don't live in the city anymore so i like texted them at like two o'clock i was like what'd you guys do how was the how was the lines long whatever and everyone's like dude i got hung over i didn't go then you know patty was like i forgot i had to do a golf outing in jersey like nobody voted no yeah no just everyone's mad because cuomo is like a fucking i mean it was so funny that guy is such a fucking loser just like sexually harassing people and just being like and losing and then being like let me do it again yeah i want to try it again i deserve to well it's one of those things too now like his political career in new york is over because like to his you know to the base that he could get like the old school like white guys that would vote for him all his opponent ever has to say to cuomo is like didn't you lose to a muslim i didn't vote for him but i also grabbed my secretary's breasts yeah come on so that's one for me it cancels out i'm just like you voting block yeah oh my god dude well what are you gonna fucking do well you know i'm i'm ecstatic you know me you know i'm mr you're ready to go did you got social services you got a burka lined up you're the burka king listen i'm i'm ready to i'm ready to have like you know well dude a middle eastern diet will help with your weight loss so you can just eat what mom donnie eats kebabs yes i'll get some kebabs going dude just go over to his house whatever they're doing into islam now you know it's a beautiful religion i love the chanting you go to a fucking halal cart and then she's like it's fucking awesome dude i love it crush i mean franciscan chants are pretty good too yeah gregorian chance and chance but i just there's something about the yeah it just feels you know oh dude when i went to saudi arabia the dates they all had dates and little arabic tea i love it i brought it home i started you know telling i told my go with the dates yeah yeah go to the fucking good yeah and i should cover up a little bit i've learned something from the emir yes the beloved yes beloved emir yeah as as yannis uh and i said well yannis says it on the party he's like you know the islam they have some interesting uh amenities when it comes to having a wife don't don't talk back don't you can show your eyes and that's it well it appeals to you too because they also just they just have sex with men on the side 100 they just have like it's like brotherhood like they hold hands they kiss jasmine's you know uncle you know who was did 20 years in prison and all that he used to tell us that most of the guys he'd blow in prison were the guys who led the muslim gangs and then he said what what one muslim this is interesting they would play the game there this muslim guy was like kept threatening to like kill jerry whatever whatever prison beef sure and then he had he was able he was also blowing a prison security guard and like sucking him up right so he said to pretty sick to be in jail if you're gay as hell yeah if you like sucking guys off if that's your thing yeah why would you even leave 100 wouldn't you have a great time so he was he was he was sucking off um a prison guard and he said uh to the prison guard like look dude i'll continuously giving you blow jobs but i'm gonna blow this muslim guy who's threatening to kill me can you secretly film it so so well they pulled an epstein island because the muslim guys you know that it can't be out that they're gay like that of course so he so when this guy threatened to kill him jerry was like oh yeah well how about i just post that or how about i just show everyone that and then and then no more beef we put it on the cctv wow sucked his way out of his way out which is what i've he's taught me a thing or two chris just in case you ever go to jail uh well i also wanted to say i forgot to bring this up but it is it's the end of the year which means 2026 is coming which means people are going to need a new calendar for the year oh yes and we have the official stavi baby 2026 calendar every we have it all here folks great uh jack off you airy yep get head get head brewery let's skip ahead to gapriel oh i know you like this one chris yes so i just want to i want to let everybody know you know uh we we've we've gone on here we talked about chris's husky and and gay sex yes and we also just want to we also want to plug our own stuff and also i want to say go get that stavi uh calendar because i believe i have full faith in my friend that 2026 is going to be the last year that he's it's it's a heavy year for him and he's going to be the last year that he's going to be the last year that he's going it's a fat boy calendar 2027 it's going to look stavi with aids it will i promise that will not happen 2027 it will still be fat maybe by 2029 i'll be in a large yeah what i one of these you're going to take it too far you're going to start looking like tom hanks in philadelphia dude that would be my head is gigantic i would look like a fucking pez dispenser i would love it it is funny how so many fat people just happen to have humongous heads yeah and when they lose weight they look fucking dumb as hell like yeah because remember al sharpton when he lost weight yeah he was skinny as fuck yeah he's kind of normalized now yeah but he was a little he had that mirror selfie yeah where his head looked huge and he looked like it was like a little boy's body because maybe it's like you just really like it's not you don't mean to be fat you're just feeding your head you know what i mean like your head just needs a little extra energy but it just goes dispersed to your body that's right that's possible science that's an interesting interesting theory that we will continue to develop and look into we're going to take a break and by break i mean we're going to end the episode yes and when you see us next week we will have research this and we will we will pick up right where we left off with the fat head theory 100 go get those calendars and then listen to history hyenas we got that and go to christycomedy.com i got one date so far in january and it's in west virginia oh i'm going west virginia too you doing uh the casino down there i don't know i'm somewhere in morgantown oh no i'm in uh i'm in like something falls oh wow not even the a market no i'm in a casino in west virginia so so if you can do what you can and please uh please subscribe to my channel and i'll see you in the next one hello fresh in this podcast of course i'd like spring bears might be a necessity for me that is yeah you come back it's it's fucking it's you and let's see what fat guy are they going to get instead of me yeah you and sagalow are doing yeah me and sagalow yeah yeah then he doesn't want to do it then it's me and zach amico then they're then they're weighing bobby kelly they're like if you were a little fatter man but you've lost too much weight now wow that would be the great irony bobby bobby just he gets too skinny the last instead of making a bunch of money podcast yeah the moment when he needed to be fat he was skinny that would be a that actually would be like a yeah the greek tragedy of bobby's life yeah the second it was i mean because it's so funny he also is the he literally is the last guy to not use those like as soon as those epic came out he had already like he'd already done the work surgery or whatever yeah and it's like that's so funny you're the last guy yeah and it's funny too having a having a relationship with with bobby keller's you know we've both known for so long like i can just i was just at the comedy cellar and he walked right past me and didn't say hello so now this is like the fifth iteration of finding out what bobby kelly is mad at you for and you have no idea what you did but you just eventually you'll get a text and he'll blow up on you and then you say bob i'm sorry and then your friends again for another two years but the way he walked past is okay so now there's a new thing that he's mad at what did you think what did you do i i honestly don't know i honestly don't know but i will find out and then hopefully i'll find out by next episode and i'll read the text on the show and then get him mad at me again i can't wait yeah well thanks guys that is episode one of the winter bears uh we are here with you for four weeks i believe that's what so far so in and uh you know we'll have some holiday stuff let us know let us know topics you want us to cover in future episodes we won't be able to do it of course uh and we won't listen yeah these are pre-recorded in an even more hilarious fashion than the last ones were yeah uh but just we'll pretend we listen to you yeah uh well in fact let's make up let's make up questions for the people asked next episode perfect uh thanks guys we love you we'll one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and burts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave fall is the perfect time to refresh and reorganize your space at the home depot find power tools and tool sets starting at 50 dollars to help tackle diy projects home updates and more whether you're drilling 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