The Smoking Chihuahua Sketch Comedy Podcast -- Episode 6

All right, you guys ready? All right, let's rock, Benji kick things off. Bonjour, bonjour, mes amis! Bienvenue dans l'episode 17 de Conte et Chihuahua de Fumei. Mon nom est Benji, c'est Scott et c'est allé du Shad. Aja-dui, nous allons parler. What? What, what? Why are you talking fridge? Don't you guys ever read my emails? It's the new plan. To the way I figure, we can do the sit back and we can enjoy our massive success or we can look at expanding and make it an even massiver. Massiver? That's not even a word. What, what are you talking about? You remember how great the original office was? Yeah. Was Ricky Gervais satisfied with just staying in England? No. He wanted to make piles of cash. We pimped that sucker out to every country you'd take it. Now you got the American office, the French office, German office, you know, that's what we need to do. I decided we should tailor each episode to different countries. That doesn't make a single ounce of sense. We don't all speak the same languages. No problem. Scott has fluent in Spanish and Afrikaans and Chad, you tear up the German and you, or do? Yeah. And I've got French and Azerbaijani. So, you know, we can wing a few more. I've taken the liberty of creating a script and, you know, YouTube is just translated to your languages. We'll read the parts. What's the point? The point is we open ourselves up to a whole new demographic and that means a whole new subsection of advertisers. Think of all the revenue streams that allow us to tap into. We're going to ride this new media wave all the way to easy. Okay. Okay. Enough with the stupid cliches. Benji, recording alone is going to take hours and editing is going to be a nightmare. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? I kind of like this. Everyone knows that Hollywood makes most of their money overseas. I've been brushing up on my Japanese. You see how much they throw at American stars to come to their silly little commercials or say happy birthday to their murderous dictator? But we're not stars, Scott. They don't know that. Who doesn't know that? They. We'll build up our support country by country. We'll sew the seas with our show. And, you know, first France, then Germany, then Russia, then the world, and governments will bend at our will. Easy there. That may be a bit extreme. I've always wanted to be a power man dictator. Yeah. Two against one, Chad. You lose. One hour later. [MUSIC PLAYING] It's Scott, the Adavard, and Aletto Corso. Corzino, Tutto, and the Tempor. It's you. Four hours later. [MUSIC PLAYING] Ho, ho, ho, ho. Uncindured me, shot you, Bill, Agus Cran, Paglatan. Still going. [MUSIC PLAYING] You're so sure. What's your icing show? We see Yigzi, Shai, Nuhaibi, Kunzai, Yuzurzanzi, Shinti. Ten hours later. [MUSIC PLAYING] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Will this ever end? [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Finally, eight hours later. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] My throat is killing me. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] All right, thank God that's over. All right, play it back. At least part of it. Let's see how it's whatever just go. Mm-hmm. OK. What are you waiting for? Come on back. Um, well, what? Come on, let's go. I forgot to hit record. [MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to the Smoking Chihuahua Sketch Comedy Podcast, the tallest podcast on the internet. This episode of Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua is brought to you by IRS brand condoms. IRS brand condoms, because you never know when you'll get the shaft. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Jesse, how the hell are you, man? I'm great, Rick. Just great. What's it been? Like 30 years? Oh, just a little over. Man, ever since the song came out, the song. Listen, I should really apologize for that. I was just looking for a hook, and it sounded good. I don't want you to think that I was actually after Sally. It's fine, Rick. I know you had a thing for her. I know she was flattered. I should have just handled things better myself, and not gotten so angry about it. Well, that's big of you to say, Jesse. So what brings you down to my house now? Oh, funny. You should mention it. My girl. Your girl. Sally brings you here? OK, you can have her. What do you mean I can have? Exactly that. You saying that you wish you had my girl? Well, now you can have her. Jesse, that was just a song. I didn't really want Sally. Yeah, well, I thought you'd say that, and that's why I talked to a lawyer. He examined the lyrics. Notice that you've been continuing to renew the copyright, and he tells me that you've essentially offered me a verbal contract. All I have to do is accept. So I'm accepting, and now you get my girl. But I don't want your girl. That's not what the song said. I know. But like I said, it was just a song. Yeah, well, she's ears now. Sally, come on in. Hey, Rick. You look good. Uh, Sally? Don't let her look full yet. She's the same girl you sang about in 1981. Well, besides from the glass I and the dentures. Oh, this is ridiculous. Just because I wrote a song when I was high doesn't mean I actually want your girl, especially not almost 35 years later. Where's the fridge, Ricky? Uh, just there in the kitchen. Thank you, sweet cheeks. Pretty rough looking now, ain't she? Oh, she's got so big. I know. It looks like she ate Jesse's girl. She kind of let the fame go to her head when he wrote that song about her. Sad around the house, expected to be weighted on hand and foot, her complete lack of mobility allowed her to turn into what you see before you. Didn't her hair used to be red? It still can be, just asking to change the wig. Oh, she's wearing a wig. Oh, yeah, she's been bald since 30. Oh, that's awful. Ah, you'll get used to it. Anyway, I'll go grab her stuff and you can decide where you want to put her. No, I'm not taking her. I don't want her at all anymore. My lawyer said he might say that, but I'm afraid you have no choice. There's a legal president set by the case of McCartney versus Eleanor Rigby. You, sir, are stuck with him. I'm most certainly, I'm not. This isn't over. I'm sure it isn't. I'll be back in an hour with her clothes, medications, and cats. You two take some time to get re-acquainted. What the hell? Hey, lover. Do you have any sauerkraut? No, I wish that I had just his girl. I wish that I had just his girl. What can I find her, woman like that? When we lost left the violent crew of the USS decrepit, blood by the daring Captain Buck Goanad, they had just made a daring jump through the urethra wormhole, defying a long standing order by Central Command to avoid it at all costs, lest they face the powerful wrath of the long feared and inhumane empire of Spital. The jump left the ship battered and broken, and its crew bloodied, but not bowed. Captain Goanad, Captain Goanad, are you alright? No, I think so. What happened? My memory's a tad fuzzy. A major collision, sir. Oh, status report, Inson Hinson. Engines are offline, shield are down, communication is out. Major hold breaches on every level. Life support is fading, and 98% of the crew is dead. And I lost control of my bowels at least twice in the last three minutes. Excellent. My perfectly planned plan is coming together perfectly. What? Where's Admiral Volva? He's in Sick Bay. Sick Bay. Yes, Captain. How's the Admiral? Hey, he's fine. Well, he never mind. He's dead. Battlefield promotion. Alright. Inson Hinson. What's our location? Sincers are offline, Captain. Admiral, I have no damn idea. So, look at the giant hole in the ceiling. Where are we? By extrapolating the position of the constellations and juxtaposition it against the negative cosine of the Vectro-setty Alpha 5. I'd say we're. thoubviously lost. You did excellent with that dialogue, Hanson. Sir, you blindly sent us through a forbidden wormhole. Being a Captain requires a steel resolve, and an indomitable will that can only be cured. You're only the Captain because everyone else is dead. Destiny has led me to this life-changing moment, with my stalwart crew and my wrecked ship and my firm, incapable hands. It's your fault, the crew is dead, sir. There's no time for yourself. Hintson, this is why you'll never have a ship of your own. You, what's your name? Lieutenant Redshurt, sir. Get the view screen working Redshurt. Hi, sir. Lieutenant Redshurt is dead. His incompetence will cost us dearly. Hintson, get the screen working. It's fried, sir. Make it happen, Hintson. Hintson, our lives may very well depend upon it. Uh, what's all this debris floating in front of the monitor? That would be the USS Connery, sir. Or what's left of it? Poor brave bastards willingly followed us through the wormhole only to meet their doom. No, not exactly. Poor brave bastards willingly followed my orders into the wormhole. Actually, they threw themselves into our path to stop you from entering the wormhole. They begged you not to send our ship into it. So they wanted to be the first ones through the wormhole and get the glory for themselves. No, you were blatantly ignoring the Alpha 1 order from Central Command to never approach the Urethra wormhole, sir. They were saving you from a certain court martial resulting in your execution. But that's a move point. Cowards! From the looks of the debris they were hit by meteorites. No, we dragged them into the wormhole with us because you impaled their hull with the nose of our ship when they wouldn't move. The looks like the wreckage was caught in a supernova. Their engines overheated and exploded and a desperate attempt to dislodge our ship from their bow. I'll let you learn this since I'm never getting the way of a captain on a mission. Over 3,000 men died on that ship, sir. When I, too, meet death cold embrace, I can only hope that I'm burned alive by superheated plasma then flash frozen in the cold vacuum of space. Those men shouldn't be mourned. They should be envied. Sir, we have an alien battle cruiser directly ahead. It's about damn time. Previously unheard female character hailed them. Attention enemy craft. This is the USS. Sir, it's not working. Then try talking louder. Bimbo. Crips. Alien signal coming through. Greetings, Earthling vessel. We see that you are damaged and in need of assistance. In the name of the Spectorian Alliance, we offer our goodwill and what error resources you need to. Listen here, you alien scum. I don't know what passes for hospitality in this sector of whatever galaxy we're in, but I certainly don't think that what you're doing is, sir, I think they're trying to help us. We merely wish to offer any aid in medical treatment. You may need to get on her way. Alien sons of bitches. Aussie. Did they happen? Uh-uh-uh, protocol, Aussie. It's Lieutenant General Commander Admiral Grand Wizard Captain Bikahuna Bukkonen. Sorry, sir, I just. Aussie. Seriously? Oh, crikey. Lieutenant Commander Admiral Fleet Captain Big Cheese Graham Pooab. No, I'll fight you, Captain. Yeah, close enough. But this breach of etiquette is going on your report. If we live long enough to give a report, excuse me, Hinson. I said he's being a Porscheport. Indeed he is. Go ahead, Aussie. What the hell is that? That's what I've been trying to tell you, sir. I was throwing another shim on the barbecue and the mainframe's work oil shattered. We're facing a certain implosion and it looks like I'm locking down. No time for that, Aussie. And I've got an enemy vessel directly ahead. And I need whatever weapon you can give me in 10 seconds. Well, we're all dead. But, sir, scans show they're completely unarmed. Please respond to who are we? Life scans aboard their vessel appear to only show adults in 300 of their young. Sir, it's a nursery ship. Young blood spills the fastest, Hinson. Well, all we have left is the AK-3000. It's a one-shot missile. All we need to be used is a last resort. And if we are there, Aussie, loaded up. Sir, the odds of us surviving that blast were 327 trillion to one. Better than I could have ever hoped for. But, sir, fire them anyway. You'll kill us all. Or die trying. Do you require any medical assistance? This will be our last offer. I heard you, alien scum. I know all about your kidnappings and anal probes. Very well. Good luck, spraters. Be your dreams be. Bang and pour. Three. Two. One. Yippee-ki-yay, mother. We'll captain, or Admiral Gounad's daring use of the last resort weapon against the benevolent foe, save the day. Will the ship ever manage to make it back to safety? Will the creators of Star Trek sue us for copyright infringement and leave us already more destitute than we already are? Stay tuned next time for Space Avengers versus the Empire of Spiddle. (Bark) I hear the train are coming. In our last episode of Star Crazy, Sammy, Vinny, John, and Bruno had decided to break out of prison. After deniguing a tunnel under the wall, the group Vin meets to plan their final escape. And the time keeps dragging on. All right, let's go over to plan. The god towers are located here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here. Why are you drawing on the dirt? That's just what people do who are planning escapes, huh? You're drawing the dirt and when the gods get too close, you wipe it away with your foot. Okay, that makes sense, but those don't look anything like guard towers. They're just excellent. Oh god, man, the just representation of the god towers, they don't actually have to look like god towers. I'm a Bruno on this one. What you got there makes me feel like I'm playing tic-tac-toe. The point is it what they look like. The point is to mock them so we can plan around them, see? So you couldn't sketch out a quick tower, you know? It doesn't have to be perfect, but I think I'd feel like you're taking a escape a little more seriously if you put some effort into it. Take a seriously, look, if I draw every little thing, we won't have the plan laid out before recreation time ends. If we're breaking out of here tonight, we've got to get through this now. It just seems like in all the time we've been discussing this, you could have just drawn out the towers. You know, he's right. I mean, your way seems actually to be slowing us down. You know, maybe we were wrong in voting you our leader. No, for Pete's sake, fine, fine, here, here, I'll do it over, okay? We got a tower, here, we got here, here, hold on, there, idiots. Ah, now, God's changed shift at 105. We got a five minute window to get from here, to here, while the search lights aren't rotating. I don't know, well, that's not very far. It only looks like about six inches. If we can't make that kind of ground in five minutes, we don't deserve to it. Seriously, seriously, this is just a representation. That's why it's so small, it's not actually six inches. It's just drawn in the dirt that way. That's what my girlfriend said. But there are the towers. I'm supposed to pull this off with you buffoons, crates. I'd be better off doing it alone. Oh, don't say that. We don't want to stay here any longer. We just don't leave us behind. I'm pretty tempted to leave you us behind right now. And where's that good for nothing, Vinny? Oh, here it comes. It's just best to the right power gain trying to satisfy Neo-Nazis. They're tightening up security across the board. Slow down, slow down. Yeah. Yes, but shit. God shut up. All right, time security shouldn't affect us too much. The gods are cooled down soon enough, and they might just be overly confident and then have to have a gun to exercise their authority a little. This might actually help us. I hope the stupid white power guys don't hurt little Jimmy. He's been good to me. If you like little Jimmy so much, maybe you should just stay here with him, eh? Oh no, I couldn't. He's already told me his heart belongs to another. You better guys. I'll kill you. Enough, enough guys. This is it. We either get this figured out right now or I'm moving on without you guys. Sorry. Okay, here we go. The tunnels right here. I have the pick, so we'll open up my cell. Then I'll get each of you out. That leaves us three minutes to get out the door and travel to 50 yards to here. Then it's under the wall, staying close to the perimeter to this point, where we then make our break and hit the woods located right here. Ooh, that's pretty. I like the detail on the tower. That's what I'm saying. See how much more aesthetically pleasing it is? It really does make all the difference. Just look at that happy little tree over there. That's it, that's it. It's go time. One week later. Well, Sammy, you sure worked your friends over good. You're probably looking at other 8 to 10 just for that. You won't be seeing the outside of these walls until you're pissing in a bag. Nah, I think I'll be okay. We had to move them to a hospital to get them help. Funny thing is, they escaped as soon as they were treated. Yeah, genius plan, really. They waited for the shift chain, shimmy through the air duct, dropped into the laundry basket and rode the truck to freedom. Those guys were just genius. I doubt we'll ever catch them. They didn't leave you this note, though. See you on the flip side, sucker. Wonder what that means. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Like, oh my god, how'd you do it? Now, we don't know why Sammy took his own life, but we can only hope that he has finally found peace on the other side, amen? Amen. Though his life has been full of turmoil, we know he is in better hands now. Can I get a win? Amen. I sure am going to miss him. Yeah, he sure could draw some pretty trees. Well, Sammy, we're coming. Ever from the bullet to a temporal lobe, having his blood drained during the embalming process, having his eyes stitched together and being buried underneath six feet of cold-heart earth, tune in next week to find out on. "Sturra crazy!" "I don't know where I'm stuck in all some prison, and the time keeps dragging on." "Bark, bark, bark!" "Look at this mess!" "Oh man, we're so lucky to be alive." "Oh, I know." "It's a good thing we use Carl as a seat cushion when we crashed." "Do you think he'll be okay?" "I don't know, the view's a lodge landed on him after we bounced off of him, and then it caught fire and exploded." "But the time came in and put the fire out. How long do you think he can hold this breath?" "Who knows? Where are we?" "I think we're lost." At the airport, two hours earlier. "Oh, I'm so excited to fly, I've never flown before. You can't even play flight simulator video games without throwing up." "Oh, I call aisle seat, I call aisle seat!" "I am not sitting by you, you ate four bean burritos that Mexican kiosk in the terminal." "Four burritos for a dollar is hard to- uh, it's hard to pass up, Stan. I've heard food prices in Australia are outrageous, and I'm just being it and getting ready." "Well, that may be so, but I can't wait to eat a koala steak and some wallaby waffles." "Uh, thank you for flying Trans Intercontinental Southwest Pacific Airways of Siam. We'll be taking off in a minute or so. Please take your seats and set the backs to their upright position at this time." "I call the armrest, you greedy jerk. I have armrests needs, too." "We'll be flying in, uh, 98,000 feet in roughly, uh, 37 miles an hour. We have a 480 mile an hour headwind today, so expect a little bit of turbulence." "Did you hear that? Turbulence." "Relax. I've flown lots of times. Turbulence isn't that big of a deal." "And I've seen lots of movies and documentaries, Bob. It is a big deal. I need some dream. I mean." "I got you back here. Take three of these. What are they? I'm allergic to antihistamins and anything manufactured in Korea." "Ah, stand. Just trust me." "Wait a minute. Uh, I've just been informed that we will be flying at 37 feet and approximately 98,000 miles an hour. So we should get there pretty quick." "That doesn't sound right. That sounds perfect. I'm about to pee my pants." "Oh, you suffering from incontinence, too, Stan?" "Okay, hold on. You better take a couple of these salt tablets and here's some emotium, too. Just in case. Take a couple big swigs there." "Mmm. Sometimes I'm going to take medicine. I get a headache." "Oh, a headache. We can't have that, too. Can't travel with a headache. Here. Here's some oxycut. Take four of them or maybe even five, you know, to cancel out the emotium." "Oh, good lord. His blood will be flammable." "No, we can't have that, either. We can't have that, either. And my math is right. And 98,000 mile an hour headwind? Seriously? Oops. Sorry, passengers. I forgot to carry the one. Sorry, passengers. But that's 198,000 mile an hour headwind. Okay, we have just received clearance from the tower. I'm not wearing any pants. I fly better in the new. Anyone want to come feel sexy with the captain? We are going to start to feel a little weird, guys. Wait a second. I think I do want to go feel sexy with the captain. Oh, you do? Okay, hold on. You better take this Viagra. Oh, oh, oh, oh. And this Cialis. You have to take both at a higher altitude if it's going to work right. Let me guess. I crouched it. Oddly enough, that's appropriate. I'm the king of the world. Sit down, Stan. Sir, you need to sit down. Whole new world. However, these lyrics from Aladdin go. I'm not sure. Sir, if you don't sit down, we'll have to taze you. I'm flying, mommy. I'm flying. Now to get these pants off. No, he's too high now. Hold on. Here, take a hit off this. Where did you get that bong? No, wait, let me guess. Crouched it. How was that even anatomically possible? Pilates. Talk me up, man. Okay, here you go. Sir, there's no smoking out of plane. Especially marijuana. Oh, my God, what happened? This is your sexy pilot speaking. Never mind that minor engine explosion. That's the good thing about these jets. We have four engines. We still have three. Or, I mean, two engines is what we have left. What is happening? You are now free to walk around the cabin. After two engines exploded. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. My milkshake is better than yours. And something, something, something. milkshake, milkshake. Sir, please put your pants back on. There's the seatbelt sign. You need to sit down. Is he crazy? Okay, I've just been informed by the terminal that we were actually not cleared for takeoff. So we're going to have to turn around, land, then wait our turn the right way. With just one engine? Give me that bong. I am here by tripling the oxygen content in the air. So we're going in hot. You are free to walk around the cabin. Excuse me, miss. You have the prettiest eyes. I am not a miss, you pervert. How do you work this thing? Here, you'll need a lighter. Hey guys, you want to see something hilarious? Give me that lighter. I know what you're good at. This is going to be awesome. Here you go. Just let me hike my leg up here and. No, wait, the air. This place is huge. It looks like a prison. Oh man, we're so lost. We must be thousands of miles from anywhere. No, they're San Francisco right there. We must be on Alcatraz. You must have received a blow to the head, Bob. I know where we are. This is almost certainly a Japanese island fortress left over from World War I. You mean World War II. Who has the degree in history here, Bob? You or me. But these islands are everywhere. I bet if we went up there we'd find hundreds of bones these to be American GI's. No, this place hasn't been used since 1963. Exactly when World War II ended, you nerd, sheesh. That must be Tokyo over there. What? Yeah, and that means we're in danger from the nuclear fallout too. We are in deep poop, man. You have a degree. Look over there a boat. A coast guard. Yeah, Japanese coast guard. It's flying in American fly. That's what the Japanese did all the time during World War II. They got them from the British allies. I think they were KGB. Idiot, they're American. Look at the man on the front. He's Japanese if you've ever seen one. We're by San Francisco moron. There's a very large number of Asian Americans in the Bay Area. You live in San Francisco. How are you unaware of this? What are you doing? I'm going to go for help. Are you crazy here? Where's that bottle of whiskey? Put in a rag, light a match, and Molotov cocktail. It's named after the famous Israeli composer of 1300s. Don't throw it. You idiot. Hi guys. Carl. You're alive? Yes, sir. Bob. I've been breathing. How did you survive? Emergency scuba outfit in oxygen tank. You think I was going to fly over the Pacific without one? I think you mean the Atlantic moron. How did you sneak that on the home? Never mind. You crushed it. Well, the three travelers escaped the island. Well, they mistakenly slaughter anyone who comes to their rescue. What other bizarre items does Carl have jammed up his, well, you know? Stay tuned next time for chapter five. I got crabs. How? The Spokane Chihuahua's are Chad Fletcher, Scott Meeker, and Benji Tunnel. This week's guests are Jason Ledlem, Christina Ledlem, and Jason Glan. Follow us on Facebook and review us on iTunes or wherever podcasts are found. If you like what you hear, listen to our sister podcast, Tales of the Spokane Chihuahua!