The Sleaze Bag Starter Kit w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 875

- Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. (upbeat music) - You can't, you brought me presents. - I brought you gifts. - I brought you presents. - Yeah. - Are those for me, my flower? - These flowers are for Niana. - Ah! - Where is she? - Heck, heck. - These are for you. - Oh my goodness. - Yes. - Oh. - I know that endings can be tough, but new beginnings are wonderful to look forward to, so those are for you, I love you. - Thank you, I love you too. - Are we getting married now? - Yeah, that's, I actually, I'm gonna give you one of my little rings. - This is lovely, thank you. - Yeah, you're welcome. - That's my first bouquet of flowers post. - Really? - Yeah, I've not been, I've been courted online. - Really? - But not. - Have your DM's been a minefield? - I've stopped looking. - Good for you, good for you. - I'm not ready to, I mean, I do it for the show. We'll play some fucking banger. - Oh, that's fun. - Let's just, listen, the reason we're in a hurry today and it's my fault, I'm so sorry you guys. - No, no, it's not your fault. It's my fault because I was late. There was a line at the CVS where I got a leave gift. - CVS. - And I was gonna steal them, but the guy recognized me and I was like, "Oh no, I have to pay for everything." And so don't take the blame for yourself, it is my fault. But I would normally just stay later, but today is the first day of school in Texas. - It is? - Yeah, it's like all this. - And you're doing this? - No. - You're fucking super here. - You did it. - Holy shit. - But full disclosure, that means I gotta get out of here at a certain time. So I'm sorry guys, this is gonna be a little shorter than usual. - Well, that just means I have to come back. - Oh? - Yeah. - Yeah, that's clear. - And I'm sure you're gonna hear that a lot. Yeah, that you're single. I'm sorry, this is a lot shorter than usual. It won't hit the back, but it'll fuck the sides up. I'm sorry. - Can I tell you something? - I'm so glad you're here, 'cause I've got so many fucked up clips. So why don't we just get into it? Hold on, what's that guy? Oh, here he is, okay. - Should I keep, should I just not give you the other gifts? - Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know there was more. - Yeah. - Well, so this is just, give it to me please. I'm dying to see what you got me. - Wow, I'm so sorry. - Well, you're single now. So we need to prepare you for this new world, you're entering. And I know it's been a while. And I feel like I'm a good person to usher you into the dating world, but the most important part about dating is safety. So you're gonna be getting jammed out a lot, okay? You're gonna be getting some things going on, get tested monthly, buy monthly, a couple times, just to be safe, the condoms are a great form of safe sex, but also so is knowing your status. So I got you condoms, three different types, pleasure pack, one for you, extra sensitive thin, and then one to make the guy last longer. - Thank you. That's really nice. - And if you really wanna make up for lost time, I got you magnum so you can fuck a black guy. That would be great. - Wow. - Wow. - Yeah. - This is really thoughtful. Thank you. - Yeah. - You know, you gotta take care of your health. So we don't want you to get long-term UTI. So I got you cranberry juice, you know, you're gonna pop that out. I also got you some UTI pills. - You're the fucking best in. - Yeah. - And oh my god. - If you wanna get crazy, I got Yasuo Clyde for anal. That's for you. - And also guess what? A part of knowing pleasure is knowing yourself. So if you don't wanna date and go out and have sex, that's your choice and that's fine. So I got you a vibrator from CDS. You could jam your clamp too when everyone. - Wow, he's selling this. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - The farm is it? - Wow, I was gonna get you a rabbit, but it was a little sexy. - That's a little. - Wow, what section of the fart, Macy, did you find this? - I don't need. - Wow, this is really, but see, this is why it's great to be friends with comedians when your life is in the toilet. - Yeah. - This is the best. Thank you so much. - You're welcome. - I'm very thoughtful. You should like sell this as a care package for someone that's newly divorced. The divorce package. - I should put together things and sell them on the road in a sle- I'll call it a sleaze bag. I'll be everything you need. I'll have like some little like merch things for myself. - Thank you so much. Truly, truly what a thought. Oh, you got one for yourself too. - Well, I got tart cherries for myself because I had gout and then I had kidney stones. And then I have, I'd have kidney stone surgery so I have to drink this 'cause I like urinary tract stuff now. Let's go. - Yeah. - How do they get rid of your kidney stones? - Oh God, I'm so glad we're making it about me. (laughing) - I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, well. (laughing) - That's the best. - I'm a rip in darts now. - Yo, are you, can I rip darts? (laughing) - We're divorced. - You're not taking your kids up for school. - Oh, wait, I am. - You're ripin' darts all day. - I'll blame you. - Let's go. - I'll blame me for everything. - I'll be like, Ian was smoking. They hate one. Oh, this is a fancy one. - Thank you. - Yes, you'll never use it. - Mm-hmm. - I got it from a native family in San Antonio. - Mm-hmm. - It's nice of them. - Oh. - So wait, do they like, like, ultrasound them, like, break them up and then you pass them out or something? - No, they were too big for that. So I was up at JFL Montreal and I was up for the nasty show for a week in the fall night. We'd like this big taping. Like an hour and a half before the taping. I got kidney stones and I'm on the floor in my hotel, like, (grunting) just screaming, Googling, like, stomach pain. Why? Herding hell. Like, that's the way I want to do it. And then it came in like these waves. So one of the way I did the taping, that was great. And then it came back and I went to the hospital in fucking Montreal and it was terrible. It's like, dude, everyone that's like a free healthcare or other country, Canada, amazing. You, because what it is is, you know, like, there's systems over jam 'cause this population explosion which I have found is a better way of saying immigration problems. And so it was horrific, dude. I ended up getting up and leaving. Like, in all this great came to the States, God helped out right away. I'm in the, they immediately put me in a wheelchair. I'm like, screaming in pain. I'm like, oh, USA, USA, USA. Wait, did you like just drive over the border or did you fly home to with kidney stones? It was crazy, crazy. How did you deal with the pain? Did you have anything? It was like, horrific, no, I'm so over. So I like couldn't, just doing like Tylenol. No, I hear it's horrendous. Oh yeah, well, gout is horrific. And then gout makes you more susceptible to kidney stone. So I got kidney stone, but it was from a lack of water. Oh, I brought this up a water. Do you think it's from eating Domino's pizza once a day and then drinking wine and then smoking cigarettes for the rest of your day? 'Cause I've been doing that for a little bit. Can I tell you, that's actually the cure. So you're gonna be fine. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna be good. Just drink water, water is so important. I forget to drink water. I only drink ice coffee and I'm like, that's like, wait. Yeah. How do they get them out and then I gotta play this and then we got so many things to go through. I had surgery, I had this procedure. So I went out, I was in and out of the hospital, I went in, put me under and they go through your urethra up my urethra, your urethra. And I'd have a stint in my bladder, my urethra, and my kidney stone. It was like this long, crazy. Yeah, yeah. And then they take it out, that stint. Yeah, I had him for like a week. I had to go back, they had to take it out. So I was under for the surgery and they told me the anesthesia was just like, you're pretty spicy. It was like, what do you mean? Like, you tried to fight us. And he was like, I wouldn't, I had like a high tone. So I wouldn't go on with the anesthesia. And when they tried to give me more, I grabbed them who was like, don't put it in me hilarious. Well, I'm glad you did that because, yeah. I heard piss on them out and naturally it's just the worst. Okay, hold on. Okay, is it, are you ready for the opening clip? We got, we got so much to get into. It's so important that we go. Okay, speaking of single, look her in the eye and say, I think it's time for a vacation. I love this guy. Yeah. And she says, really? Or responds, say, we're going to go to Pound Town. Hell, yeah, we are. And I'm going to make sure you're coming. This is a big time. Oh, it's Randy. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't buy me the fucker's dad. Well, come, come, come. Well, come to your mom's house. Yeah. With Tom Segura. He ain't fight ants. And Christina Pajitsu. Queen. Yeah. To your mom's house. Okay. Man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man. This is really crazy. Yeah. We went here in the carpool line. Something to do. Did. Morning. And also a fun thing to do is you don't even have to have sex. You can do a pleasure play with each other. I'm going to throw make out. Are you going to be? Is that bad? No, I just. Pleasure play. It sounds like something the cowboy would say. Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have said it. It's horrible. I don't know why I said it. Wait. This one's my favorite. It's portable and discrete. I deal for travel. It's ideal for travel. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, would you bang the horny cowboy? No. But I take his advice. I've sent his videos to people. And like, he's right. It is time for Taco Tuesday. And that gets you laid. Huh? No. I just like to send them. And I'm saying people. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Okay. Yeah, this guy's invaded. Everyone's like feet. It's weird how these people start invading people's feeds. Yeah. Well, yeah. I every single clip makes me want to throw up even more. I don't understand. Like, are people really using these tips? Is this really working with some woman? It's got to be working for him. - On some level, right? - Do you think it's working with his wife? Like, do you think she's like, these are good ideas? What if she's the one telling him to do that? - She's someone's gotta be filming it. - Yeah, she's like, you're so hot, babe. Okay, what about this one? Here's another one. - Tell 'em 'em. - Tell 'em 'em. - Honest answers. When you relieve yourself, do you grip it like tweezers? Do you grab it like it's a fire hose and lean into it, do you free willy it or you grip it like a broadsword? Let us know if you do it personally. - So, he's in the doots. Why is he soliciting dick holding information if he's not looking for a dick? - No, maybe he's just unsure of how he should hold it. - Is that he? - He's proud sources. - Yeah, I don't know. What do you guys think? I mean, either the horny cowboy. - Sounds good. (laughing) - And he's always on that. - I don't know. - It's Cuskay's shit. - Yeah, but-- - Not there's anything wrong with it. - You don't have to point at me and say that, all right? I'm taking back my gifts. You fucking whore. Get outta here. God damn it. I hope you end up with this fucking horny cowboy, all right? Because you and him make content together. - So lucky. - Oh my God. - Fellas, when you eat your chicks pussy, do you lick it like a taco or eat it with chopsticks? Try and style. (laughing) - Okay, you guys, big YMH news. - Oh boy. - Hold on, let me find the drops before we go into that. Sorry, I am not as skilled as Tom. - No, you're killing it. - This is this thing. He can really have the gift cool guys. - Hold on, wait. What if, okay, say you're hooking up with someone and they send you this, it's like a joke. That's fun. - That's great. - But no one's, I don't think people are sending this is like a, here's a good idea. - Here, this will get her worse. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I hope not. I mean, but he thinks he's clearly working somebody up. - Yeah, well, he said let us know. So he's not alone. - It's a couple. - No, it's he and his wife. - I bet they swing, I bet they have like an only, I bet this is like a rejuvenation of their like dying marriage. I mean, here's the thing. People need, there, no one should see this. - Nobody. (laughing) - But why are swingers the grossest? Like, there's never been. - It's never hot people. - It's always two people that look like bebop and rocksteady for the Ninja Turtles. They're like some woman that looks like she's birthed a Renaissance fair. And then they're in my meatloaf, meatloaf, meatloaf. I'm like, you wanna fuck my wife? We even washed our hair in six months and we have cat hair everywhere. I'm like, I'll come over to meet the cat, but I don't wanna fucking talk to you. - Same, we got a cat. What do we talk to you? - Yeah, show me your cat. - Yeah, yeah. And then he's like, my wife is buzzing. I'm like, stop it, stop it. 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You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. As summer winds down and autumn approaches, there's no better time to reset and refresh your wardrobe. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. Their focus is on crafting well-made essentials with premium materials that are built to last and designed to become pieces you'll reach for day after day. If you're still hanging on to the same worn out basics, Quince makes it easy to upgrade. They work directly with ethical factories to cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. They have premium denim and tailored chinos from just $60 with the kind of perfect fit, structure, and high quality fabrics you'd expect from a luxury designer brand. And Quince has curated a collection of everything from home to travel to everyday essentials to ensure you're completely outfitted for this season and those to come. I love their jackets, as you know, I am a jacket dedicated, aficionado, and they have a whole variety of stuff that you'll wear over and over. Find your next fall favorites at Quince, download the Quince app or app exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/mom, get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. That's QU-I-N-C-E.com/mom. So speaking of Cool Guys, one of our beloved Cool Guys, the coolest of the cool, you guys might remember these clips. - What, COVID, you know, 19 virus? (laughing) - What is it? - It's like, don't do it, it's bad. - I gotta see you wildly. - A bee! Arguably my favorite Cool Guy out there, besides Robert Paul Champagne. So we've been following Tony Johns, ladies man, for the longest time, and he's in and out of jail, you know what I'm saying? He's into trouble, so he was out of jail. Oh, here he is. Yeah, and he became a celebrity in this little town in New York state that he lived in, and we've had him on the show a few times. But anyway, so Cougar, give me the update on Tony Johns' life. - So shortly after we did the live show with him, he got himself in some trouble. He violated a restraining order from his family. - Oh, right, I remember that. - So he was in jail for a bit, and then he got out, and then that sort of kick started his homeless era. And, well, I like how you say "error," like it's like, yeah, it's like-- - Oh, there's many, like a sassy one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in my homeless era. So he was in the clock at, I'm chopped and cooked, which is what I don't get to do to my food. (laughing) - That's crazy. - Crazy, dude. - Homeless era. - He's crazy. - Homeless baddie, okay, joke. - Wait, so he was homeless. - So he's in his homeless era, and I guess he was soliciting like a former girlfriend of his or friend. - Oh, yeah, he's always doing that. - I'm not sure which, and he's, you know, crazy dawning, always stoking his exes. - No, he's, he's, that's his props. Yeah, he's always, like, going back. And he goes, like, celebrate this guy. - Well, what? (laughing) - Are you kidding me? What the fuck is it? - Where is his portrait? - You're the guy who retired his portrait. - Oh, we retired his portrait. - Yeah, of course. - You're making an abusive stalker feel like he was your celebrity. - Well, because he's, okay, first of all-- - Well, guys, just put a stalk in, get to it, and have a content house with all these unwell people, and just move them down here and film them all the time. Can we just get, that's the end game. - Okay, it is, and I agree with you, and we've tried. - You know, hard is just to get these fools on the phone, just to get them to answer-- - Yeah, 'cause they don't call-- - They don't call. - They're boo-smoke, what are you talking about? They got cricket. - Like, he would take Josh Zolo, like, 30 tries to get Tony Jones on, right? - Yeah, we got him out here, though, that one time. We did the dating show. - Yeah, that was great. - He was in, he was-- - Well, that's good. You're opening him up to other innocent women. (laughing) That's fantastic. You're unleashing a sex creep on the population. This is great. - Hey, he's more than that, okay? We know him better than most. He's, I think, Tony's a good boy. He just had a rough upbringing. And we're trying to help that. - It's just like every episode of Cops and Tony-- - Oh, no. - You don't know him, like, I know him. He's a good man. - He's a good man. - Doesn't hit me that often. - So, he's a worker, okay, wait, so, so, so now, so restraining order on the girlfriend, he was talking to the girlfriend. - Yeah, I guess he was like, trying to get out of his homeless area via her. (laughing) And she filed her restraining order against him. - Yes, he violated that and then one thing led to another. - Well, the pimps supposed to do. Got a hit of violation. - He's been locked up since last December. - Oh, poor God. - Oh, but he likes jail, remember? He was saying as he-- - Yeah, 'cause he gets a hot three-hots and a cot. - Yeah. - That's his home. - Yeah, and then the last time, remember when Steph Tollev was on here? - Putting down my jail pants and I just started stroking it and she like stopped looking in my window and she, oh, I'll be it for real. She like licked her lips, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. That's fucking hot. - That was just hot. - He was telling us that we were interacting with him when she was here. - Yeah, we had got him on the phone for once and Steph was in your seat and then he was like, you know, one of these female gods, they're so horny for me and I was like, did he say like he whipped out his dick and started stroking it and she was so hot and like the guard lady liked it and we were like, that's so fifth grade dude or sixth grade. - He was telling us why he got fired from Walmart. Why do you get fired for that? - Because he whipped out his dick. Well, he's just being a good Walmart greener. Like what do you want? - He's got a big unit too. - Really? - Yeah, I don't know why. - Oh, that's why he keeps making mistakes. All his brain bloke goes to a sat big cock. - He's got a huge one. - Really? - Yeah, he sent us, did he send us? - You lose it, you lose it, so. - He's got a, oh, here's the dating game that we did with Tony. Tony John's a long time ago. - Oh my God. - Now we came and he looked really nice. He had his best pair of headphones around his neck He smelt great. Oh my God. Jesus. What a treasure. He's amazing. He was so sweet to us. And he was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened. Tom and Christine. This is the greatest thing. He was really stoked to be here. I like him. It looks like what would be inside the suitcase in Pulp Fiction when you open it up. It's like the gold emanating off him. Hey, he's sparkles. Yeah. Well, shout out to Tony Jones. So is that the update since he's just been in jail? Is he going to get out anytime soon? He gets out in February, but I think a lot of people were wondering just what happened to him if he was alive. Oh, yes. Of course. You can't get him on the phone in jail. I mean, we could try. I mean, you haven't tried. Let's give him a call. Try. Call him up. So Christine, I heard you've newly singled. So wait, did he find a lover from your dating show? Yes. How'd that go? Um, which one won? Which girl? Her? Her. Yeah. Yeah. Did they go like, did they have a great time? I think she had a great time with that. That a great time. He loved that she was super tall. Yes. Okay. Yes. That's right. Kept calling her a tall glass of water or whatever. That's nice. Yeah. If she could look past all of his illnesses. There's someone for everybody. Yeah. No, she really, she really was in him. She was crazy. Yeah. It was crazy. Okay. So that's one update. And then you guys remember this guy he opened up. Sorry. I'm just because what happens is like when you see talent and you know that it's real, like you're going to see this and you're going to be like, not on dude. How? Okay. Like it's that I just I'm just here. Okay. Listen to this. Oh, I love this guy. Is he still alive? Oh my God. That's so good, isn't it? Do you think that's how he eats pussy? I mean, this would have been me if I was born in the 70s and I didn't have like the internet. I was just learning how to whistle to get on TV. Yeah. Whatever afternoon show he's on or is he whistling in church? Where is he? I don't know. I mean, that is talent. It is talent. So a lot of people too are wondering what's up with the whistling guy. Yeah. And here he is now. Here we go. Oh wow. Wow, that's so beautiful. I'm going to save the rest for later. I mean, I hear ocean water behind him. It seems like he's figured it out. For sure he's figured out Santa Claus in the off-seeing just whistling by the way. And his beard is so healthy. It's a really nice shiny beard. He looks like he's got a nice tan. You're right. Sounds like he's by the one or he's probably in a hampton. Do you know like an update on what he does in his life? This is all he does. This is all he needs to do. What do you mean is there anything he does? Isn't this enough? Dude, he's figured it out. Why are we doing this? Of course. I should just learn how to whistle by the sea. I mean, that might like it's not a bad idea or if you pick up the spoons like some people can play spoons and that's another talent. I am so susceptible to late night ads that I'm alone in hotel rooms. I've bought wooden spoons to learn how to play and I brought two. He does a friend wanted to learn with me. You did not. Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert. They don't. Spoiler alert. You won't have any friends and you want to play the wooden spoons. So, so you like to buy things late night. That's cool. Okay. Yeah. I bought a harmonica recently and I could play the beginning of piano man. Harmonica is, well, let's see. What is the worst instrument? What's that one that goes, the people put in their mouth, you know, like hillbilly's do it on porches and stuff. Whatever that thing is sucks a lot, but then second is harmonica. You know, like harmonica. I think it's terrible. Doesn't it sound terrible? No. Well played harmonica sounds great. Are you kidding me? Okay. So you don't need a like blues traveler. I hate it. What? Would rather die. Why? Because I like weirdo. I'm like, I'm a goth girl. I just, it's not, it's not my name. Yeah, but do you imagine like the cure with like a harmonica song? I would fucking kill myself. Don't you dare. I can't wait to show up outside your house. Like John Cusack, but instead of holding a stereo, I'm holding a harmonica playing it to like Friday. I'm in love. Oh, it is not called a Jews. That's what it's called. It's a jaw hard. Yeah. When it says Jews, now it says jaw. No, no, it says Jews. Oh my God. Do you know what they call cash register? A Jewish piano. That's really funny. They all know how to play. Yeah, this looks horrible. You see that guy in the in the fur hat, like listening to that horse shit. Well, he's just doing that to warm up his Mongolian throat. I mean, this looks like old Victorian torture device. Yeah. It looks like a vagina opener. Yeah. Like a clam. Yes, speculum. Yeah. If you've been watching for a while, you know my love for lipstick has only grown. Before I started Christina P. Cosmetics, I doubted whether I could turn that love into products. People would actually buy those doubts will always creep in when you're starting something new, but success is on the other side of that fear. And having the right support behind you makes a huge difference. Shopify is that support system for tons of brands and businesses you know and love, including ours here at YMH. Not only did I turn to them when I started Christina P. Cosmetics, our merch store here at YMH is powered by Shopify. They made building a storefront that actually feels like my brand seamless from start to finish. My favorite part about Shopify is I have an app and it notifies me in real time. If I made a sale, I can go in and just see what's going on. Shopify houses everything you need to get your business up and running all in one place with Shopify. Nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/YMH. That's Shopify.com/YMH. Well anyway, I know you're in a buying stuff. Tell me if you'd purchase this. Oh, I need this for my kidney stone. Yeah, when I get out of surgery, it's pissing blood everywhere because my urethra was shredded out. It's ready for reuse. Don't forget, I gave you the tip. Now, do you think this is real or this guy's like farming content? No. I love it because of the gadget. I feel this is real, right? I feel like we have a good sniffer for. Bring them down to the YMH content house. Could you imagine if we had all of them living together? Why have you not done that? They need places to live. We cannot get a hold of these people. Once you do, you need to have them in a Y. It's literally your mom's house of crazies. That's what it needs to be. You need to have these people co-existing. I know, but they would burn the house down in like a day. It wouldn't last. Well, you're not going to get fired. Don't give a practice to fire. But they're all like blind and mentally ill. You know, you're exploiting them already, so give them a place to live. We do not exploit. We celebrate. That's a fucking big difference. Celebrate them in a house. I would love to see Tommy Doosmover, Tommy Dootime, or what's his name? Tommy Leberbringer. Hold this piss. Tony John, say his fucking name. Tony John, this guy just answered cowboy guy, how you're supposed to piss. It all comes together. Wow, synergy. Yes. Yes. These people just need to find each other to find their purpose. You're right. You know what? You should live with them too. I think they need like a sober house. I'll be the crazy house manager. You're like the, what is it when you live in a dorm? Yeah, the RA. The RA. Yeah. And you help. Can you imagine you would never sleep. It would be like a house. Anyway, that's true. A house of toddlers. Like Ian, come look at my new piss thing that I'm your mommy. You're the mom on the RA. This is yeah. And then we give them tests and teach them how to be like regular humans. It'll be great. I let it halfway out for two years. I got to I got to know Yes, we'll elect one of them a controller. And then they'll get in trouble for bringing girls back late at night and have to lose their privileges. Haha. Not me. What kind of task do you think Tony John's could do? Like could you say Tony Moe the lawn? Tony Moe the lawn and he will have an allowance, but he don't get taken away if you whip your cock out public. They need consequences. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. You could put him in jail, but unless you reform these guys, they're never gonna learn. That's a really good point. You need to help these fools. Yeah. Okay. It's a great idea. No, it's a really good idea. Okay. And then I want to show you. Yeah, it'll be a good idea to have like, you know, all your like young, hot girl staff are out of these predators too. They love them. They're just all danners. Stop. How do I piss? I use Tanner to hold it. No. I love you, Tanner. Let me tell you something. Every time I've met one of these cool guys, they're so nice and respectful. So what do you think is a disconnect between but nice between their internet presence and they're like, re out. What? Maybe they're cool, nice to you because they think they can get something and then when when they're out in the wild, they're just like, feral and who they are. - Yeah, you're right. Like maybe 'cause they see me as like a lady, like a lady that gives them money and treats and stuff. - Yeah, and like all these cameras and they're finally getting the thing they want and they think, right, if I keep acting this way, I'll be on camera more. - That's true. No, you're right, you're right. I gotta, you know what I gotta do? I gotta visit in the jail. - Kill them. - Oh, sorry, sorry. - What? - I have to go visit Tony Jones, dude. - What do you imagine? - You and Tony John started a relationship with a head-conjugal business. - Yeah. - Like, you'll do the prison pod. And it's your phone and him on a phone. And you guys are just chopping it up. That's, I mean, let's go. - And you're like, oh, Christine, I'm so horny. For you, right now. - Oh, Christine, can you put on a cross-guard uniform? Or wait, I was security guard, you know what I mean? - Well, let's funny you mentioned this 'cause this will come in handy when I visit Tony. - The perfect spy blow joke. That's one of the most important skill any woman can have. There are like many, many techniques. But one of the most important is dip throat technique is one of the most desirable thing any man want to have. - Oh, wow, thanks for the news flash. - Idiot. - What is this new information? We all grew up on Heather and I deep throat. We know the support. - I don't, hey, but Ian, I did not. I'm from the '80s. I watched consensual old-school full-bush pornography. I didn't. - I didn't deep throat. - There was one, let the lovelace. - Right, I didn't hear the blushing there, no, probably not. - No, but there was like the movie deep throat. That's what I had heard about. But then the common stuff in the '80s, like you didn't see people getting throat fucked. At least the wholesome pornography that Duncan trusts. - I grew up on me, talked about it at a percent. - So no, this is news to me, this is news to me. - Somewhere it's just too violent. - Is that what you're saying? You think it's too violent? - Yeah, the point that's, and then everybody thinks that that's like what sex is and it's not, you know? It's like sex is like pro wrestling. It's like a caricature of like what a thing is. It's real, but like you also shouldn't try to, you know, like tombstone pole driver, your friend in the backyard and then like throat fucking choke on a first date, you know? It's like, but people don't know that. And they just say, all the shit's like poisoning our brain. - Well, I mean, or it sounds like a great Friday night. Let me listen to what she's got to fucking say. - All right, you're right. - I gotta learn this stuff. How do I fucking- - That's so funny that you're learning about sex stuff from a Russian spy. So you're gonna like end up doing this and then like get it. And you're like, okay, so I deeper the guy than he asked if I could have done this. - So when you do this- - Oh, sorry, I busted out. - No, no, no, people like plastic dilded it because- - Okay, sorry, let's reset. Okay, yeah, but Ian, here's the thing. I, the last time I was single, girls could have pubes. Like 2005, bro, that's when I started dating Tom Segura. So like, I've got to do stuff. Like I heard I have to wax my B-hole and my whole badge. I can't have any pubes. And now I have to get throat fucked. This is when I'm learning. - You do that, whatever you want. - I know that, Ian, but I'm learning about the wilderness before I go out into it. - I mean, wax your butt hole, obviously, you know. - I've done it. - You can have pubes, but I see I like pubes above, not on. - Well, do you wax your B-hole? - No, but I've shaved it. - Well then how can you expect someone else to wax? They're B-hole. - Oh, I'm a hypocrite. (laughing) - Now, live your best life. Do whatever you want, you know. Be good at preferences. It doesn't mean it has to be like something you have to do. - I'm just learning. Look, I'm just like, okay, play the clip. We gotta be educated. I gotta do my research on that. - Can we be in full for your throat? - There are techniques to learn before doing that, because otherwise your husband would hate it. So when you do it, try it maybe at least on banana, even like plastic dildo, because like, before the effect on human body, because it can be really painful. So it has to go on top of your mouth. And at the same time, you do like a brace in, it's on top of your mouth. - It's on top of your mouth. - And also your heart has to be like 90 degrees to angle. Otherwise if you do like any other angle, it will be painful for you. - Yeah, and also if you're guy like me, where are hats? If they look down to your bald spot, you're not gonna be able to deep-throat a soft penis, okay? - Also, I love how they play the classical music, like it's churching up the conversation, you know? Like yeah, I always play Mozart when I have anal, just makes it a lot softer, you know? But some elegance to it. - She has to be elegant, yeah, she's a classy lady. But-- - What exactly was spying? - Because, oh, because this is what like the red swallows, you ever see that movie? Like the CIA, right? Is this Russian KGB shit or is this CIA shit? - Ideological subversion. - You have to learn like when they, that's called a honey pot, right? When you like seduce your mark. - Oh, hard to curve. - I think so. (laughing) - I was like, you know this person? - And MK Ultra and Honeybond. - Okay. - Sorry, can we just do that? She was clearly MK Ultra, like there's something going on. - But can you imagine like, I need to invest in buy a dildo to practice on before a human being. I mean, isn't that just too much? Have you ever done something like that? Like you practiced and bought stuff? - We're talking about practice. - We're talking about a game. - We're not even a game. We're talking about practice. - Yeah, but you can also find something you're comfortable with and like do things together so you can get feedback because yeah, you could suck a fucking dildo but it's not gonna tell you easy on the teeth, you know. - There you go. - You gotta have someone to give you feedback. You can do this with anyone. It's all about communication. - No, you're absolutely right. And I'll watch this video privately and take notes 'cause it sounds like someone's anti. - I'm anti-feeling like you have to. I am pro doing whatever you want, you know. - I hear you. Do you wanna, do you wanna me? - I'm getting some too, dude. I mean, all right, yeah, listen to this fucking mangled face Russian spot Russian. She's not, she's Chinese. Well, they're related. But I do know that Russians are just white Asians, right? - Oh yeah. - No, but I didn't put that together until I went to Kyrgyzstan and I was like, "Oh dude, like my tribe is just, we're like white Chinese." So weird, but they're all in Cahoods too. - Yeah, they're all in Cahoods. - Yeah, and that's why they got us sent and everything in Ukraine and Israel to deplete our shit so then Russia and China can come together 'cause, you know, okay, sorry. - Do you wanna, do you wanna meet some of my potential suitors? - I would love that. - We set up a hotline for a-- - That's awesome. - Can you bring up the photo as I play the audio? - Well, you're doing a dating show, right? - Yeah, Kim Congdon's dating show at the Mother Ship August 19th. - I thought it was this week, I was so stoked, I was gonna do it. - I know, oh, I wish. I thought it was this week too, I'm so sorry, I misled you. Okay. - So the photos are different than the voicemails. - Oh. - Some people texted in with their photo and then the voicemails are other-- - Okay, so just like listen to these gents and tell me who catches your fancy. - Okay. - Okay. - Are you-- - Is this-- - Hello. - Come on, what is it? - Is this jokes? Are you legitimately trying to find? 'Cause it'd be fun if you were on a date and then I was there and I could help you out. - This is a great, when I'm ready to date, this is a great idea. - Yeah, like it could be like in a crack of joker. I could be in your ear, like coaching you or helping you or I could be there for safety, you know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We should do it. We should do a dating show for me, like in 10 years when I'm ready to actually meet people, when I'm 67. Okay, so there's my submissions, submissions, and I'm contemplating meeting one of these gentlemen. Yes, in real life. - Let's go. - Let's hear it. - Wait. - Okay, here we go. - Christina. - Yeah. - Thank you so much for reading my message on your show. I'm so happy. And yes, I would love to eat your pulse. I'm so happy that Duncan Truss will figure that out. He's a very funny man. How'd you get a hold of my Uber driver? I also would love to eat your pussy. - Okay. - I would not eat your ass just like all the rest of the other men. - Yeah. But I love the pussy. - Okay. - And I love you too, mommy. - Thank you. - Keep it high and tight. Keep your head up. - He's gonna save you. - Goodbye. - He sounds like, "But can I just say like if you know that the competition is willing to eat my ass?" And you're like, "I'm not gonna like your ass at fuck you." You know what I mean? - You don't wanna go as different. - Well like I'm saying like he's competing for courtship of me. - But he's gotta go above the beyond. So he's like, "You sit on my face and I'll eat your ass while we listen to Morrissey." - That'll be great. That's a different. But that's not the offer I got. - Please, please, please. ♪ Let me eat your ass. ♪ ♪ Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time. ♪ - We're the last time. - Yeah, I didn't like his tube. He felt it feels entitled. Like, you know, my ass is pretty great. I don't think there's anything wrong. - It's like the holy grail. - Yeah, what are you talking about? You're not gonna like my ass? Fuck you. - Yeah. - All right, next. - He was kind of like an anti-pick book. - Let's just go down to business. Those jeans. - Yeah. - Let's take 'em off. - What are you thinking about is something and somewhere else? You know what I mean? - What? - This guy clearly needs the cowboy in his way. - That's what I was gonna see. - Yeah. - Get along. You got to feel what I'm saying. - I feel it. - You know. - What? What? Tell me, you can tell me. - We don't need to make this the whole committed thing. - Oh. - And then. - Shh. - Yeah. I love a man who really takes advantage of the English lexicon That's about it, man. My hand and ear the back girl Okay, I what I'm just I'm gonna say pass on this gentleman to go ahead and delete that one I agree. Yeah, right here. We go Mm-hmm. I'm just checking in for my hotel room. I love how these you've like at you've this is an aggregate for all of our sleep paralysis demons into like one phone. This is crazy This is crazy. What do you mean? Christine this is my life. This is why I'm waiting in the top quarter of the bedroom and my head's gonna spin around I'm so afraid to open my DMs. It's been a while like I'm a little scared. Well good. This is good You shouldn't be farming in DM Okay, but we're even listen. Okay. Yeah, just listen to what he has to say. God. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry Yeah, I'll play that again. Check him in from my hotel room. Oh, yeah, I'm watching the potty. I'm seeing your mommy and I don't know. I guess I'm just gonna shoot my shop from the East Coast all the way across the country to California It's not really a fan. Yeah. No, I'm just giving this message to make you laugh and Love the show a long time left there not really and we move to Texas like praying for you six years and god into this Do not all right. Take care. Do you know? Are you religious? I'm like I believe in orbs and aliens and shit But I don't believe like a specific kind of guy. Well, I think you've incurred a converting Islam That would help your dating life because I think you get fucked a lot because you'd be facing on us up five times a day Well, there's not a lot of blondes in that community too. I could probably clean up. Well, you don't know. They're covered up And you shouldn't have - no, I just got these new tits and everything you got new tits. Yeah, when I had cancer They made new tits for me. You didn't know that no fully new new. Yeah, I don't have to see it to believe it honey Sorry, I was speaking in phone call All right, you're not even done should okay, let me let's go to some photos because we got we got a role in a bit here Here's Chris Oh, he's cute. What can you read it? It's like if cousin it had a face stop. Sorry. I like him. He's got a beard. He looks like he's he's got a car Mechanical engineer smart. No kids never been married nice. He's 40 six foot four not bad Chris. Okay. All right Put Chris to the side. Okay. Is it swipe right on Chris? Swipe right on Chris But I don't know I don't know. Not it's like he's in friendly and they like that Uh-huh. I just wish he would have washed his hair. I was gonna say we should ride his hair Either way, don't show up wet. Yeah, don't maybe just don't yeah Yeah, you're the one is supposed to be wet not him. Yeah Okay, I mean again, I think he's a fine attractive gentleman, but just like the hair thing that's gonna bother me Okay, and he is taking this picture in a college dorm Okay, you ever get fucked at a room made out of center block. I think what is happening? Oh, let's plug this before we go on to the next segment Ian do which is your podcast produced by a show yeah you to on YouTube produce by you guys Because of the best I had different people teach me how to do their jobs the episode coming out next I Did a two-day shoot with AEW all-eat wrestling the first day I did behind the scenes I built the ring did make up to costume in the next day. They put me in a costume I had tassels my name on the back of my little bikini bottoms knee pads I got chokes land by a six foot four female wrestler ran the ropes It was the best they gave me an intro. I cut promos. It was the best make-o-wish ever Have in the time of my life YouTube dot com slash Ian finance comedy every other Tuesday you guys I couldn't be happier to be a part of the We love you and then to see Ian live go to Ian phi dance dot com phi dance. Not for dance. No Fy dance. Yeah, I'm going all over on the road Reweek until the end of the year come I hear a joke have a smoke great We'll have some fun on the road. I like that right. Okay, let me do some TikToks And then I got to go get my kid from school today Okay, are you ready? Yeah? Oh, I fucking love this shit. It's dead. These are my favorites Oh, I'm a good boy. I've seen this. Yeah, why are you sure? I'm gonna go to the bro's knees. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I like this. I'll call me on the tips. No, it's next. I need to see what you're doing What a fucking psycho is this a Russian woman that teaches you how to deeter? I mean It's beautiful beautiful so dangerous though. Maybe not a great pet idea, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't know, but like like Tigers are like leopards could be like pets because they've never attacked humans. Okay. What's that can't be true? Yeah No, never you'd never you know all all times. Yeah, you know this empirically That's there's no way that's Okay, yeah, but I always love these Russians that collect volatile pets. Oh, yeah, they had they give a bear a house Yeah, what are you doing with pictures of it then they feed a poor? Yeah, it's incredible. Don't you you don't want that though? No, no, I what I at no no why are you a huge pet person and cats and I did have hamsters and they died and I've had dogs and stuff Panther chameleon. I got two what are their names? Munchkin and Viska. Oh I love that you can come over. I love that. I love it. I have Glenn and Samson. Oh yeah, Glenn Danzig and Samson pictures They're genius specters. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Is there any pictures of your cats? No, we weren't we weren't friends enough back then okay? Have we got the level where you reciprocate cap? Yeah, a total of all totes and yeah. Oh, thank you. Oh, this is cool. Oh This guy boots the house down bitch The music's perfect. It's black. You look So this guy is like full of goth a black queen and he goes and like the supermarket and just like models But this is essentially what we did in the 90s like when we were got except it was not Yeah, you weren't doing it and I fucking act me. It was a minimum minimum wage worker has to restock the shells and get in the shot I have this queen get man at him But he's got a great outfit and it's really hard to achieve a summer goth look Very difficult and he's managed to do it here with the short shorts and the tuxedo jacket He's dressed up like from an error that he's going to a mansion party that he would not be allowed in. Oh, yeah They're like, yeah, yeah, okay. Okay. I'm going to let me know What there is drinking a dr. Pepper right in front of the dr. Pepper Museum and Waco, Texas We all want to come to Waco, Texas explore the dr. Pepper Museum. No Waco, Texas nice fun city. I like Waco, Texas So Let's let's see Out of this a turn out. I hope you consider coming to Waco, Texas, see the dr. Pepper Museum Here it is right there and here we go. That's the last living branch to Vidyan from Waco He's the one that made it out of the shelter that didn't get killed by the ATF I mean also He's got one tooth left you might get all the dr. Park and Waco Okay, Texas, but you said he should Sir, I'm off. Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper, but do anything you should go switch to diet or sugar free? I mean, whatever kills him faster Whatever gets them all I mean, this is crazy that these people exist and are everywhere Okay, I'll leave you on this one. This one made me laugh a lot this week To show the texture and this wave pattern again It looks like he went and got a blowjob at your blowout at your salon And it looks beautiful All right, so Huge beauty sale everything ships to you for free, but that goes away at the end of the day I will remind you that this is a one time only price where the price goes up at the end of the show Dude the shit that's so cute how they all are giggling and like let like it's so fun It's so good and also I imagine the audience is elderly like nobody caught that I think they're so hourly They're not used to it and it like makes them giggle too. I would yeah, I have no one's man No, I've given them raises. This is fantastic. She should do this on everyone the raisins raises give the raisins raise That was so cute. I love it. Yeah, we're giggle on getting so good. I love you so much. Thank you again for my lovely pressees and Everybody watch and do yeah and go see and do Santa comedy live. I gotta go pick up my kids from fucking school in the middle of August Thanks for being here. I love you. Thank you for having me. I love you. I can't wait to come back and hang and we'll share cat picks and play list Yeah, yeah, sounds good. I can't wait to find out who you are We'll see we got it. We got a whole a lot more coming so we'll find out. I love you. Thank you. Bye you. And my hubby. One time. You gotta live brick be one time. I'm a tailed roll. Oh, no. (upbeat music) - Hey, they got some boy over there, yeah, my boy. Yeah, there's a man up, if he young, oh oh. Yeah, I wanna keep you free, yeah, I wanna keep you free, yeah, I wanna keep you free, I want you free, yeah, I wanna keep you free, there's a man up, if he young, if he old, one time, yeah, yeah. (upbeat music) ♪ You know how you doing, my baby ♪ ♪ I've been all right, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ You got to play the music ♪ ♪ When I see, I'ma make you feel like a woman ♪ ♪ I'ma make you feel like a woman ♪ ♪ You create a beautiful night ♪ ♪ My baby girl, when you go and let me touch your hands ♪ ♪ I promise you ♪ ♪ It's church ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, my baby, it's church ♪ ♪ My baby girl, I'ma make you feel good, baby ♪ ♪ I promise you, in your life ♪ ♪ The way you been and do what I did ♪ ♪ This is giving me one chance, please, my baby ♪ ♪ Yeah, give me one chance, my baby girl ♪ ♪ I wanna eat your eggs ♪ ♪ One time, oh yeah ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, oh yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ You get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, oh yeah, you get a little brick-billy ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ But come on lead, show me ♪ ♪ Yeah, bill is church ♪ (upbeat music) (upbeat music) ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, oh yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ You get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, oh yeah, you get a little brick-billy ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ One time, you get a little brick-billy ♪ ♪ When I get through with you, you're not dawned back to your house ♪