The Sign It's Time To Let Them Go

If you're someone who loves aromans, that's not just about chemistry, but also about emotional tension and the ways people slowly let each other in. I think you'll really enjoy just between us by Lena Hendricks. It's a contemporary romance set in a small town on the coast of Lake Michigan and it follows two people who seem completely wrong for each other on paper, a tattooed playboy with the reputation and a woman who's determined to keep her guard up while cleaning up his family's mess. What I loved is that underneath all the attraction and banter. It's really a story about vulnerability trust and what happens when someone starts breaking down walls, you thought would never come down. The anonymous late night messages between them make the whole relationship unfold in a really compelling way. So if you're a fan of authors like Elsie Silver, Lucy Score or Carly Fortune, I think this will absolutely be your kind of book. It's emotional, funny, romantic, and yes, definitely has some spice, but it never loses sight of the relationship, which is at the center of the story. And if you're someone who loves collecting beautiful books, the Deluxe Paperback Edition is gorgeous, has holographic foil, stenciled edges, full color, character art, and exclusive bonus content. You can find just between us, by Lena Hendrix, wherever books are sold in both print and ebook. When it comes to love these days, we like to think that we've got it all figured out. We have this false sense of I have control over this, I can filter for someone who's over six feet tall, I can filter for this religion, but I've filtered a turn on to say, how kind am I? How loyal am I? This Valentine season, the happiness lab is digging into what really shapes our closest connections, with smart practical insights from experts on love, intimacy, and belonging. Listen to the happiness lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love. I have been receiving thousands of questions from you for the last few years and I've decided it's finally time to give you a voice on the podcast. So your question with you asking it is going to be right here on the show and I'm going to answer it and by answering it, I know I'm going to help a lot of you. So here we go. Hi Jillian, my name is Sam and I have been listening to your podcast for at least two years at this point and I've found it extremely informative, extremely helpful and I'm super grateful for all you do. I have been a good two and a half years now out of a relationship. I was dating someone for almost five years, lived on the other side of the world. I was in Australia with him, thought we were going to get married, have kids, and finally I asked the hard question and it turns out that was not his plan. So I pivoted, moved home and I'm back in Kentucky. Since moving home, I made sure I waited to date and waited at least a year and I dated someone from a friend group who actually was just that, a comfort. We ended up only dating for a few months and then I ended it and then recently I've been back on the app. I promise myself in March because I've been through a lot of therapy and doing a lot of self love and exploration of my own self worth that I was kind of ready to get back out there because in '36 I want to have a family, I want to have kids. I'm struggling with knowing when to trust that voice, that gut because I think for so long in previous relationships, I have just not. I have ignored it, I have pushed past, I've called my stubborn ways, just that, I'll prove them, I'll prove myself and now that I'm back in the standing world, I'm finding myself in two boats where one, this most recent guy saw, I think there was a moment within the first meeting that I had a moment, I was like, oh, that's, you know, I don't think that's something I enjoy. When I still persisted and we went on about seven dates and finally it just kind of ramped up on his ends and it wasn't ramping up on mine so I ended it and with that comes guilt because I feel like I should have known sooner and I don't know just because I can't trust myself or if that's still something I'm working on. So I guess I'm trying to get to my question now is what advice do you have for people wanting to get back out there after they were in a tumultuous relationship and how do you, when do you trust your gut, like sometimes there's little things, like he called himself a loser on the first date, like that's not a big deal but for some reason that was a big deal to me. I would have not agreed to, if I had seen that text prior, I would have not agreed to continue on. My question is, what do you suggest for when to listen to that? Is it every time? When is it just, you know, an "ick"? I love this question. I want you to listen to your gut always but there's some nuance to this. So first of all, you asked a few questions and I want to address all of them. You're 36. You want to get married. You want a family. Your last serious relationship ended a little over two years ago. I would be dating a lot. I would be getting out there and dating, dating, dating, dating, which I know can be tiring and I want you to go in with the expectation that you are going to meet a large amount of people who you are not interested in, but it only takes one person. And you also said that in the past, you didn't listen to your intuition. You didn't listen to your gut instincts and it actually got you into trouble. So I want you to listen. So here's the thing. I understand why it bothered you that the guy that you gave seven dates to, which by the way, it's not that much. I mean, you know, maybe there were other things about him that you liked and you wanted to give him a chance and you weren't quite sure and, you know, sometimes especially for women. In particular, it can be a slower burn. I've known many women who said, you know, when I met my husband, like the first few days, I was so not into him and then something just like changed. I've had clients who, who told me they met this person, like, yeah, you know, there's something like, you know, there's something cool about him, but I don't know, he's so not my type and trying to give me a million different excuses. And there were no like glaring red flags. So I said, you know, keep going and then they end up married. So for women, it can be a slow burn, so giving someone a chance is not a big deal. Again, him calling himself a loser, you know, why would you want, that is something that I would flag. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks of themselves that way and not only that, my question would be, well, why do you think you're a loser? What's the evidence that you have to support that you're a loser? What have you done or what have you not done? What said, some people have really self-deprecating humor. And so the fact that that kind of like that bothered you and you still want to, went on a date with him is not a big deal, but what you can do in the future is that when something comes up and you're like, I, that really bothers me. Talk about it. Say, you know, you refer to yourself as a loser, why? And see what they say, you know, because you never know what kind of conversation is going to come out of that. You know, that's different than someone who is just talking horribly about others, right? We kind of want, that's a really big red flag. And I don't, again, I don't love that someone would refer to themselves as a loser. But again, it could be something about their humor, which might be humor that you don't like. Maybe I don't want to be with someone with self-deprecating humor. And that's perfectly fine. But I want to empower you to when something irks you, when something bothers you, or you're not quite sure how much it bothers you or how big of a deal it is, talk about it. Because it's in that conversation that so much will be revealed. But again, you don't say, hey, I don't like that you said that. You can say, you know, you said that and it was curious to me. Why did you say that? You know, why would you call yourself a loser? Like, why do you, why do you call yourself a loser? So I don't want you to be hard on yourself for giving it seven dates. But I do want to empower you to listen to your gut always. And even if your gut isn't a hundred percent right, at least you, it went by having a conversation about it and digging a little bit deeper and investigating, then you're giving the other person a chance to explain and you're giving yourself the chance to really see if what you were picking up on is something that needs to seriously be paid attention to, or if it's put in the category of needed further investigation. [BLANK_AUDIO] So that's what I would do and I wouldn't wait any longer. I would keep dating, I would keep listening to your instincts. When you're not sure that there is a spark, however you do enjoy the person's company or you think that they're intelligent or you felt comfortable around them or you thought they were funny. But again, you're not quite sure that there's a spark. It's not the same thing by the way is being totally turned off and repulsed by someone. Like if you really are just like, I, just, I'm actually physically somewhat repelled, it's never going to work. But if you're like, I'm not repelled, but I'm also not really sure that there's like that chemistry there. Explore if there is other types of chemistry because there's different layers of chemistry. There's intellectual chemistry. It's like, oh my god, I like your brain and the way it works and you like my brain and the way my brain works and we kind of get each other in that way. There's some sort of emotional chemistry where you feel like comfortable to open up to this person. They feel comfortable to open up to you. There's a certain ease with them. And then there's spiritual chemistry where you kind of feel not everyone is going to understand this when I say this. Some of you will when you feel just sort of like there's not only a compatibility in terms of your spiritual beliefs, whatever they may be, but that there is some sort of comfort level there. You feel almost like maybe the chemistry that you feel with them, you can't tell if it's more sibling like, you know, or platonic, but there's something there. There's that comfort level that's there. And then there's physical chemistry, which is all about sex. It's all about do I want to be touched by this person and do I want to touch them? Sometimes again, it's a slower burn for women and sometimes you will feel that sort of intellectual chemistry with someone or some sort of emotional chemistry, but you're not sure of the physical chemistry is there. That I would say give it about five dates as long as every time you go on a date, you're feeling other levels of chemistry and you're feeling good and you find them interesting and there's some comfort level there. And then see if it changes. Because it takes a kiss to see if there is any physical chemistry there. And if you feel comfortable, if that feels right and something that you want to explore, then kiss them and then you will know right away. And if you don't feel that physical chemistry, then you know that this person is not for you on a romantic level, but keep the dates going. I think you know sometimes you kind of have to date like it's your job, particularly if you are a woman and you want a family and you're of a certain age. And so yeah, I hope this helps. [Music] [Music] [Music] Hi, Jillian. I'm a 50-year, five-year-old man that's been doing a lot of personal growth work. Therapy and EMDR, after two marriages that ended in betrayal in my most recent relationship, ended with her telling me that her feelings had changed. It's that concept of feelings change that I want to ask about. I understand the concept intellectually, but I genuinely cannot internalize it. Like being told, gravity stopped working. For me, love starts with a feeling, but once two people have made a mutual commitment, love becomes a decision and a moral obligation. If I love you, I show up for you regardless of what I feel on any given day. So when someone says their feelings changed, I don't know what to do with that. Did they never really love me? Did they just stop choosing it? Is that even something a person can control? I'm not bitter. I'm generally trying to understand a framework that feels completely alien to me. Because I think it's a blind spot that's affecting how I move forward. Thank you. Okay, so generally, and I'm speaking generally here, when someone says feelings have changed. Only what that's code for and what they're really saying is, I don't feel attracted to you anymore. A large part of my mission is to explain to people that love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice, as you said. It's an action. It's a verb. And that if we're going to be with someone over the long term, there are going to be seasons where your passion for each other, your sex life, your erotic life. And what I mean by that is not just necessarily the act of sex, but just the desire to be touched and to feel passionate towards each other, is going to ebb and flow. And that what we experience in the first whatever, six months of a relationship, and that like that hunger for another person doesn't last because part of that hunger is there because we don't really have the person. So it's like this, we're almost like in this little mini fight or flight of infatuation. That said, it's important for people, for couples who are in a long term relationship to work on the erotic and passion side of their relationship. For some couples, that means like even if you're really really busy, you're going to prioritize sex. And inside of prioritizing sex is also having conversations about sex. Many people, women in particular, we are not great, we're conditioned to not really ask about for what we really need in the bedroom. And so it's about having these conversations, about meeting each other's needs in the bedroom. Most women for example need a lot of foreplay and that foreplay starts well before the touch. It's in a glance across the room. I've had people, men and women come to me, the time that I felt so desirous of my partner was literally when they said they did this thing for me that I asked them to to and they just did it. And for some people, when they're happy, when they're smiling, when they don't need me, when they're being goofy. So having these conversations where we can really talk about what really turns us on the most. So prioritizing that, it's also doing things together that's out of the ordinary, like in a relationship, especially if there's children, for example, things get very routinized and things get very centered around how do we steer the ship of this relationship. And that includes managing, being the project manager of the family's life. And a couple will get very pulled into that and then forget about them as a unit. And so these things happen. There's also just, I don't know, one person in a relationship could go a long time years of feeling disconnected to themselves, not feeling good about themselves. We all go we're human beings and we all go through periods of time with that of that. But like if that's a period of time that's going on and on and on in years and you're bringing that kind of energy to the relationship, your partner might still very much love you because they want you to overcome this because they care about you. But that's not when they're going to be attracted to you. And that's okay. There's no pressure. You don't have to be sexy all the time in your relationship. There's a time where we are vulnerable and just kind of need the help of our partner and the love and support of our partner. But then we also have to understand that if we're consistently, I'm not saying this is your scenario, but I'm trying to give you some insight if you're consistently bringing the more wounded parts of you to the relationship consistently, okay? That's not the part that is causing that's leading to passion. And so I don't know what's going on in your relationships. You mentioned two marriages that ended in betrayal. My mind goes to that there was some sort of infidelity on their part. But something in some way, something is, if this is a pattern, where you are hearing more than once, from more than, you know, one or two partners, that they, that they just lost feelings for you. What they're saying is that they've lost some sort of attraction. And so you do have to kind of look in the mirror and say, what am I doing or not doing that is sabotaging in some way the passion in the relationship? Am I not, and I feel, you know, I don't want you to blame yourself entirely. I mean, look, if this was a one-off, this could be something that's totally that happened between the two of you and that you, the two of you were not communicating. And maybe that's it. Maybe it's been a lack of communication. Maybe she's going through something that has nothing to do with you. But again, if this is something, as you refer to, that you've been hearing more than once and you want to know where your blind spots are, these are some things to consider. Have you been having conversations about sex? How is sex between the two of you? Has she come to you with complaints or with problems where you've not paid attention? Again, it takes two to tango, but I'm trying to help you because obviously there is a blind spot. Is there a moral obligation to keep loving someone? Well, I mean, that's a very, very big philosophical conversation. Do we, are we morally obligated when we love someone to work on the relationship? I mean, I would argue in some ways that that is a moral conversation, but once passion and the desire to be physically close with another person, even if we love them, that's going to eventually end the relationship because then the relationship doesn't feel like we lose our motivation to meet each other's needs if we don't feel any sort of attraction. Rather than asking, doesn't she have a moral obligation to keep loving me? I don't know what kind of work she's put in. The better question to ask is, if this is a pattern that keeps on happening, how might I show up differently? How have I been contributing to whatever is not working between us erotically? And for some people, it's, like I said, they lost their own spark, they lost their own joy of life. And they become so bogged down by stress that the person who they're bringing consistently to their relationship. Again, I want to really underscore consistently and over time is the stressed out disconnected feeling a little dead inside version of me. That's not the version that you can consistently bring to a relationship and then expect the passion to be able to reignite. And that's a very, very, very hard pill to swallow. I mean, we get complacent in relationships. And I know that I have done this where it's just like, we're just kind of bringing the lower selves to the relationship because we've gotten complacent and too comfortable. That's when people fall out of love, unfortunately. So you can bring those parts to the relationship, but you can't bring those parts and never bring the part of you that was alive and kicking in the first year of the relationship. And this is why romantic relationships in particular are such a powerful mirror because there are always reflecting back to us our relationship with ourselves. Hi, Julianne. I just downloaded your book and I started reading it today and I just ended a short six-week relationship with a man who I've decided had avoidant attachment from his many traumas, childhood, mostly adult. And I have disorganized attachment, working on becoming more secure. And I'm just curious, is it possible for a disorganized attachment woman to be an a relationship with a man that is avoidant? I am very aware that I am not here to fix anyone. I've been through enough of my own intense therapy. I'm very secure in who I am. And well, there. So you look at that. I just contradicted myself. I feel secure in who I am and meaning that I, I'm not settling for less than I deserve, but I also have this compassionate, empathetic part of me that sees this man's trauma and wants to have mom's patience with him. And I think I, he's just got so many beautiful qualities about him that I just need him to I guess I'm looking for someone to help me help him. Does that make sense? Like I want to be able to say something to him like, you know, we heal in relationship. And I'm not here to fix you, but if you would open your heart to someone who's willing to, you know, give, but I know I also need to receive. I don't know. It's just really hard to let this guy go. I know all that I, again, can't fix him, but I would sure like to help him open the door to healing. And I don't know how to do that right now. So okay. So the first thing that I want to address is attachment styles because I think that this is really important. It's important that we don't go down the rabbit hole of diagnosing ourselves with a particular attachment style because attachment styles are not fixed. You can be very anxious with one partner and very secure or avoidant with another and vice versa. So we cannot separate who we are from who we are relationally. So in other words, you can't just say I have disorganized attachment. And so therefore that is the destiny that I will always fulfill inside of a relationship is whatever comes as a result or as a consequence of having disorganized attachment. It doesn't work like that because different people bring out different parts to ourselves. If you're in a relationship with someone who pulls away whenever there is an argument, that is going to evoke a response from you that is different than if so you are in a relationship with someone who was very comfortable with addressing conflict head on. So again, it is not a fixed state. It is not a permanent state. So when you say that you are disorganized, your disorganized attachment, my guess is that you're saying if someone is pulling away, then you get a little anxious. If they're coming towards you, then maybe you pull away. All of it just speaks to a core fear of getting hurt. We don't want to lose ourselves in a relationship and we don't want to lose the other. And when people say that they have disorganized attachment. What I'm hearing is that there's sort of a see-saw that's happening, like an internal conflict that happens in many relationships more than one, where you are grappling, you're wrestling with this idea of fear of losing yourself, but also fear of losing the other. Understand that what's underneath all of that is just a fear that somehow you're not going to be okay in a relationship, and that can all be worked through. But if you find that you bring more more problems to a relationship because of your fear, then you are probably better off with someone who is not as fearful as you. Now that doesn't mean that you're not going to, you're going to have to put in the work, but when we have two people who are terrified, that's when we start to have a lot of problems in a relationship. That doesn't mean, that does not mean that it's doomed, right? Both people, if they're willing to do the work, and there's some self-awareness, then a lot of magic can happen. But I want to put attachment styles to the side for a moment. I want to put all the diagnoses to the side. What is standing out most to me is that you want to, after six weeks of knowing someone, which is a blip, you want to somehow help heal him. You want to somehow convince him that he can heal inside of a relationship. And that is a real slippery slope. You can't build a relationship with someone with whom you have to convince to be in a relationship. Because part of being in a relationship is opening up, confronting our fears, noticing our patterns and the ways that we deal with conflict and the ways that we deal with discomfort and working with both ourselves and with the other to overcome, to transcend our egos, to face our fears in the name of building something meaningful with another person. You're not here to heal someone's trauma for them. And so already what I'm hearing is like, is I don't love what I'm hearing. And I want you to hear it in yourself that you are trying to make someone, you're saying I don't want to fix them and I don't want to change them. But you are. You are wanting to. You know that they are quote-unquote avoidant. Whatever it is, something that's happened in their childhood and you said even in adult life that's making him retreat and pull back. And you are now in your own subtle way chasing. And you admit I don't know why I can't let this person go. So you're thinking about all the ways in which you can try to convince him that doing the work with you is the best way to do it. And it just, it never works when you have to convince someone. People really have to come to the table ready now. Of course, we all come to the table with some problems and there are things that maybe we need to be patient about. But you never want to be in a position as a grown adult where you have to convince someone to choose you, to love you, to put in the work. And I see that happening. So you have to be brave and actually let the person go. And as cliche is this sounds and as cliche is, you know, I'm afraid that this sounds, you know, if it is something that could be worked on, let him then come back to you. But recognize how easy it is to want to convince someone of why they should be in a relationship with you or why they should do the work and how much that disempowers you because it immediately creates a power imbalance. You're immediately almost parenting him. You're trying to be sort of the the voice of reason. You're trying to show him how you know what's best and you are never going to feel secure in a relationship where you have to do that. And so my advice is like, why is it so hard to let him go? Well, it's because of this. This is the instinct that you have inside of you when someone can't fully show up for you or can't actually meet your most basic needs in a relationship. Notice that instinct in you is then to chase. It's to pursue. It's to try to convince. It's to try to change. It's to try to build your case. And sometimes that's really subtle. And sometimes it's not so subtle. So recognize that that instinct when someone is not fully all in for whatever reason, whether it's an attachment style, whether it's something else going on their life, the reason is almost irrelevant. What matters is what it triggers inside of you. And so do not chase anyone. There are plenty of people who are quote unquote avoidantly attached to are who are loving all in and committed, but they tend to have more avoidance when it comes to conflict. So not every person who's avoidant is this traumatized person who needs like their partner to heal them. It's just it's not like that. Human relationships and just human beings were way more nuanced than that. But never chase anyone. And what I mean by that is never, ever try to convince someone to choose you, love you, put the work in. Ever. Let them go. Help that helps. Thanks everyone for being here. Please keep the questions going. I end my entire team. We all read and listen to all your questions. So thank you for being here. I appreciate you so much. And if you're here for the first time or maybe you've been here a few times and you haven't actually subscribed, please click subscribe below because that's what keeps this channel alive. Thanks for being here. Until next time. Julianne Love is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, Music by Will Tendi.