29. The Shadow in Love: How Hidden Parts Sabotage (and Improve) Your Relationships

Welcome to sex and soul. A podcast about all things related to sexuality, relationships and the deeper dimensions of our lives. I am your host Linus. I am a sexuality and relationship coach and mentor, as well as a tantric yoga teacher. I'm so excited that you are here. May sex and soul light you off from inside and change your life to be more orgasmic, enjoyable and deep. Welcome to another episode of sex and soul. Today I'm going to be speaking about a topic that is very precious, very important, the shadow and how your shadow parts, your shadow selves, show up in your relationship in your life. I'm going to focus more on how it shows up in your romantic relationship. If you're in a couple, this is super useful for you to listen to, but of course also if you're single because it impacts how you date as well, etc. So what is the shadow? What are our shadow parts? Well, these are parts inside of ourselves that are natural parts of our personalities, parts of what we say me, when we say I or me, you know, there's a lot of, I don't want to, it's a kind of worms that I might be opening. But there's a, what we think of the of our personalities actually kind of a combination of different parts, different energies, different qualities, different ways of being because we're not just only one way. I, you know, we're like a full spectrum of emotions and and experiences as a human being. And as part of ourselves that we really know that are in our conscious mind, you can say like, oh, my name is Tom and this is what I, I'm like, and then as parts of ourselves that we actually ignore or we shame or we judge over you press. And so these parts are oftentimes have been ashamed or judge and repressed in our childhood. And oftentimes it's about negative emotions, but sometimes it can also be parts of ourselves like desires and sexual desires, you know, and sexuality code. So for some people, sexuality and sexual desires can really be part of the shadow because, well, if you have been raised in a family, and most of us by the way have been have not had, you know, a positive sexual education. So most of us have parts of our sexuality that are part in the shadow. And so if that's a case where that's full on the situation or has been the situation, then your sexuality will be in the shadow and you'll be ignoring the fact that you're sexual being, you will be ignoring suppressing the fact that you have sexual fantasies that you have primary sexuality that you would love secretly from the shadow to express and to explore. Other shadow elements are just negative emotions, basically parts of ourselves. A lot of shadow parts are related to fear to insecurity, search survival. Yeah, there are parts of ourselves that are old. Some people say that our shadows, they are, you know, also memories from other lifetimes. Doesn't matter, you don't have to believe in reincarnation, the fact that we are a soul and that we have several many, many lifetimes. I personally do believe that, but you don't have to be in that belief system, let's say, or have had the experience of knowing that to be through, which is my case. You know, all of that, all of that kind of more spiritual stuff, I know it's true because I've been to places where in my meditation and in practices where I've been shown, I've had very clear proof of like, oh, we are more than just this body, we're more than just this personality, we're more than just this life. But that's a bit of, yeah, a detour, let's say, that's less, less important. So basically, what happens in, in your romantic relationship, especially, is that your shadow shows up, especially after the honeymoon phase is done. Most of you listening will be in the second stage, what I call the second stage of a relationship, which is a stage in which there's commitment. Hopefully, that's a case. Because if there's no full commitment from one of both partners, that that is a constant threat to the relationship. So that's a thing to become aware of if that's the case. But most of you will be in commitment committed, you know, serial monogamy. So you have agreements on what monogamy means and all of that. I hope at least that you have this clear contract relationship contracts. And in the second stage of a relationship, what happens is because of the security and the safety and the commitment, there are actually parts of ourselves that come online, which are the shadow parts, which are parts that we in the honeymoon phase have pretended, you know, are not part of ourselves. Because in the honeymoon phase, we show ourselves in the best way, the best version, yeah. And we see the other also a little bit through pink glasses and like, ah, they're perfect and they make me whole and Allah, they are coming to save me, yeah. This is a bit of the feeling that happens when we get into a relationship. And in the second stage of a relationship, you realize, oh, no, this person is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm sometimes behaving in ways that are, yeah, I have my fears, I have my anxieties, I have my controlling mechanisms, I have my perfectionism. I have a part of me that wants to run away, that comes up, I'm, you know, all of that stuff. And so this comes up in a relationship and this will especially come up in a moment of triggers or stress between you guys. And so, you know, why is it important to understand that you have your own shadow, why is it so important? The most important thing for yourself and in your life is to, you know, do self-development work, self-crowed work and to become self-aware and to know yourself on the deepest level. And that means also knowing those parts of inside of yourself that are, you know, more negative that you're not proud of and the trick is here is instead of shaming them and judging yourself for being like that sometimes. You know, for me, that's, I'm impatient, can be impatient. Really, I have, yeah, parts of me that are really sad sometimes that are needed, that need to be loved and touched and all of that. And, you know, that, you know, has defined and showed up in my relationship sometimes. And what most of us do is that when these parts come up inside of ourselves in our relationship, instead of owning them and realizing for myself like, oh, wow, I'm actually feeling some anger, I'm feeling frustration and feeling sadness and I'm feeling fear. What we don't, what we do is actually instead of feeling that and owning that, we're going to project that on our partner. So we're going to translate that into blame or shaming the other partner or your partner basically your romantic, yeah, your significant other. And so that means that in a moment you are having your, you're coming, you're getting in a conflict cycle basically. And because of the fact that you're not only your own emotion, you're not owning your own shadow, you're not thinking care basically of your own shadow shadow. You're projecting that on your partner and you're going to start having a conflict, a conflict dance, which can be a dance of both of you fighting each other. One of you is fighting the other one is fighting so is is is removing him or herself. One of them might be one of you might be freezing or you both might be freezing, which means there's no words you cannot speak. There's no clarity in your thoughts. You have difficulties expressing, you know, your body kind of shuts down and then there's the fourth one, which is a piezing warning. It's called, yeah, which is also these are all trauma responses, survival mechanisms that we have learned when we were young. Like how we responded to our caretakers, our parents still shows up in your romantic relationships, exactly the same now. And the last one is a piezing is feeding a founding. So it means that you're going to say, oh, yes, yes, it's, it's my fault. And yes, you're going to a piece your partner to avoid the conflict. Instead of actually honoring your own emotion and your own needs and your own ones. So it's as much trauma responses as the first three basically. So become aware of how you're responding. Yeah, that's very, very important, very useful. And so your shadow is basically a part of you that wants your own love, your own attention. What the thing we do in relationship is we project it and we hope that the outside world is going to take care of these things and these emotions for us. But the truth is, this is very important is that only you can take care of your own shadow. Only you can take care of the part of you that is scared, that is afraid, that feels sadness, that feels anger, that feels whatever, whatever negative emotions you would experiencing sometimes. So the invitation is there, is that you have to do your own work, you have to know what it is to emotionally self regulate. I think one of the most important things in this life is to understand that nobody is coming to save us. And even if you are in a relationship, this is very important to understand your partner is not here to take care of your shadow parts of your shadow emotions. You are responsible, that's part of adulthood, immaturity, emotional maturity is getting better and it's a practice, it's a process. Yeah, it's not, you don't have to be perfect. It's like a mother of 5% more, 10% more getting better of taking care of yourself even when you're in a relationship. And even if there's a strong, like even entitlement and expectation of your partner to take care of you and to hold that emotion. You will get there if you go from the second stage of your relationship in the third stage, which is what at each couples, which is also what my program on Stubbel Lovers is about, by the way. And the doors are now open, so if you're listening, you're in the relationship and you're like, "Oh wow, yeah, we are ready for a relationship, upgrade, insects, in communication, in control." Emotional, maturity, all of that, and support lovers is the way to go. Yeah, we start next week. It's the most amazing relationship, gift relationship investment you can do. So check out the link in the show notes, yeah, and just join. Or simply a message if you have any questions. I'm here. And so, yeah, this is the thing, like emotional regulation, knowing how to become responsible for your own emotions, not projecting them anymore. And that also means that for those of you might say, like, oh, I don't have an issue. You know, all good. Well, in that case, there's oftentimes repression. So there is actually a disconnect from the body that happens, dissociation. That's what it's called. Because of when you were little, you know, your emotions were not honored. There was no space for them. So then as a survival mechanism, you actually dissociate from your body, from your heart, from your emotions. And you might, you know, of course, in this society, you can function. You can function perfectly when while being dissociated from your emotions and your shadow emotions. But the thing is that it will come up in your relationship, your partner will feel it. Yeah, your children will feel it. And it might show up later in life as diseases. Yeah, whatever you're suppressing and not feeling, stays in your system, stays in your body. And so that might show up as certain diseases, certain discomfort, et cetera, et cetera. And I mean, just to be very clear about these things, ways to cope and to not feel, in so many ways, you can avoid feeling, avoid slowing down, avoid being with yourself, can be working, you know, can be eating, can be watching television, can be working out all the time. Like a lot of working out when you really like, that's what you do all the time. It can be being outside with friends all the time. Like everything that distracts you from slowing down and feeling yourself and being yourself, basically, being with yourself. Yeah, and so again, if you need the tools for that, and you want to be held in a very beautiful, well professional way, together with your partner, so you're both going to heal these parts and avoid going to look at these parts and deepen your intimacy, your relationship, this is going to change everything, by the way. Yeah, join us up our lovers. And so what does it mean? It means that in the moment of, you know, your emotion coming up and you practice feeling yourself and you love yourself. The only thing that these parts need from us is our own love. We all have like inner children. I have a mini lane, which is like a four-year-old version of me, that she's here all the time, man. I feel her all the time. She's oftentimes scared. She's oftentimes sad because she feels alone because I don't listen to her often enough because I'm doing life, you know, I'm working, I'm out and stuff like that. And then I realize, oh, oh, my little girl is she's needing, she's needing me, you know, she's needing my love, she's needing me from me to tell her, like, hey, I'm listening, I'm here. I love you, I love you, everything that you're feeling is so welcome. So instead of judging the fact that, you know, we have vulnerability and we have these emotions, which is what so much of a society is doing. Of course, what you have learned from your parents, just look at your parents, ask yourself, okay, how did my parents, you know, digest emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, vulnerability? Well, vulnerability is actually more, it's not really an emotion, it's, I mean, there's like five or so basic emotions that we have as human beings. And like, just ask yourself, how did your parents, you know, go about dealing with these emotions? Was that healthy, a healthy way? And not so healthy, which is most, for most of us as a case, you know, we are the generation that is looking at this. This is what my work is all about, is in our generation, millennials, Gen Z, et cetera, well, depending on generation, it doesn't matter, you can, you can, you know, do this work at any age, basically. But we are more ready for that. I'm looking at, okay, okay, actually what is emotional maturity? What does it mean to grow as a human being in this life? What is truly important in this life? It's to become, it's to become whole, it's to become more and more loving towards ourselves and that means taking care of our shadows. Yeah, and when you're not taking care of your shadows, you might be relating, you know, with your partner or with, you know, if you're dating your single, you know, you might be craving validation from your partner, from a person, from a man, from a woman, and that might, you know, lead you into arms of someone who might not be the best person for you. Or in your relationship, I'm not judging, of course, your relationship, but you might show that behavior where you're needed for that validation from your partner. You know, you're wanting to be seen and respected by your partner and the truth is that there's a part of you that actually needs that validation and respect and love from, from you, from yourself, basically, yeah. So, yeah, it's about acknowledgement, integration, healing, yeah, and that's all that is needed. I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's work. Yeah, because it's, it's really, I call it ninja warrior, emotional warrior ninja work, because it requires you to become like really honest and vulnerable and, and look at and feel, feeling emotions. Ha, it's about feeling la la la. And, you know, if feeling has been registered as not welcome and your feelings have been registered in, in your childhood, that's not important, not welcome. Then, of course, this is difficult. And it might be way easier to ignore everything I'm saying. Of course, if you're listening to this podcast, it means that you're, you're brought here for a reason. Yeah, there's no coincidences. So, you're listening to this because you're ready to receive this and you're ready to start this work, or to deepen this work. Very clear. Ah, together with your partner, probably, yeah, big chance. So, yeah, that's it. Looking at and feeling into the uncomfortable emotions of sadness, of anger, of neediness, of, of aloneness, of despair, of fear, all of that. You know, so much part of our human experience and, and we become more blissed out and ecstatic in our life, only when we feel these parts of ourselves. So, this is my experience. This is what I live. I'm an erotic ecstasy expert. I teach people how to have orgasmic lies. That means that, you know, a life full of pleasure and joy and bliss and like, wow, sober, by the way, you know, I'm, I don't use substances with the occasion of some cacao or some blue lotus. But I don't drink alcohol. I don't use drugs, et cetera. So, you know, it's like you can be so fulfilled in your life. Very sober. And that happens because of the connection with yourself, the deepening of the connection with yourself. And the deeper your connection with yourself, the deeper connection you will have with your partner, it's directly related. Everything that you're not ignoring and that you're ignoring and not feeling inside of yourself, it shows up in the space between you guys and your partner will, will feel it and will have an impact on your relationship. So, the more honest you become and the more integrated you become inside of yourself, the deeper your intimacy will be, the deeper your orgasms will be, the deeper and most amazing your sex life will be. Because more of you will get to be online. Your body will become more open, more relaxed. So, this is how you become more and more orgasmic with your partner is by actually doing the shadow work. So, the emotional integration, the emotional wholeness that comes from looking at your shadows will create amazing orgasmic experiences. So, it's directly correlated to the amazing sex that you can be having. Like, next level sex. So, yeah, it's not about, I mean, there's some techniques and I will learn, teach them in on sabbable lovers. But most of it is really about knowing yourself deeper and about being present for who you are and what life is showing you and what comes, what is shown in your body moment after moment. That means body connection, that means going from your head into your body, that means being aware of your breath, that means starting to feel your feelings. And the good news is that when feelings are, you know, felt fully and there's actually space made for them. They can only exist in your system for 90 seconds up to a couple of minutes and you feel more whole and integrated after. It's no longer about ignoring, no, no, I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. No, you have felt and you have liberated that energy. It's like you can compare it to a balloon or a ball that you're pushing under the water. That's ignoring and suppressing of your emotion, of your shadow. And when you feel it, the ball can be removed from the water and all the energy that before went to suppressing the emotion, suppressing whatever painful experiences and feelings and energies are still inside of you from your childhood. Yeah, that's what it is about for most of us. All of that energy is now free, can be liberated, can be, you will have more energy. So if you're low on energy, if you have low libido also, yeah, that can be related to the suppression of big emotions and big experiences in your life. So, yeah, this is a bit of an introduction to the shadow and why it is so important. It's crucial, essential to work with your shadow, to know yourself deeply and to have that shift your relationship. instead of. blaming your partner instead of you, you, you, it's your fault. No, whenever you say you, whenever you come with a complaint actually to your partner, there is something inside of you that you're not acknowledging. So instead of complaining and instead of pointing the finger to your partner, in your relationship, try this today, ask yourself, okay, what is something that I need? What is what is showing up now? What part of me needs something and for myself, actually, first and foremost? Maybe also from your partner, but first and foremost, you will also always go into check, okay, what, what do I need from this part? What can I give myself in this, in this moment? And of course, if you then want to make a request to your partner, like, hey, this is, I would love this instead of the complaint. Yeah, instead of the shaming, instead of the judging, this will shift everything in your relationship. Yeah, this is really relationship, golden ticket, golden techniques to create a relationship that is way, yeah, that just feels balanced with way more, way more happiness, which is deeper connection with deeper intimacy, with more amazing sex, because amazing sex is directly related to your emotional connection, right? Really, to your capacity to feel yourself, to your capacity to be in tune with your partner, and to be authentic in your relationship, in your connection. So that also means that instead of ignoring your shadow, ignoring their shadow, it also means that, hey, wow, you're bringing in that odd space, you're bringing like, oh, my love, I'm feeling this anger right now, it's so uncomfortable, I'm feeling it, I love you, but I also feel that it's here. So, bring that into your space, name these things, become responsible, show also your partner that you're aware, that you have that self-awareness, because oftentimes they feel, oh, okay, she's angry, she's pissed off, she's sad right now, and when you're in that space, actually, you have time travel, you're not your wise adult self, you're actually acting from your 40-year-old inner 40-year-old. And, yeah, she just needs your love and attention. And what is important to understand is that you are a match with your partner exactly because you match on the shadow level, you bring out each other's shadows in a perfect way, in the same way, that your shadow was activated with your caretaker, mom, dad. And this is why you are on a more subconscious level together, is because these shadow parts are being shown to each other as a mirror in your relationship, and that's the invitation. This is how you go from the second stage relationship to the third stage, the ensemble lover stage, the conscious relationship stage, is where you become aware of all of these things. And you understand, oh, wow, this is my partner, it's the perfect trigger to see what parts of myself I still need to love more and integrate more. What parts of myself I need to become a better mother or father to, so you're no longer expecting them to do that for you, which is what most people do in the second stage, which is what people think relationships are about. But I'm here to raise you to another level of relationships, more conscious, another more conscious way of living in general, this is what my work is about. And so in that stage you understand, oh, we are a perfect match, not only because the ocean is beautiful and blah, blah, blah. No, because you match on a subconscious shadow part level and the way that you are triggered and the way that you sometimes want to run and you're angry and you're complaining and blah, blah, blah is actually bringing you into deeper into yourself or it can bring you into deeper into yourself if you accept it. Yeah, we understand and accept that this is the growth process of being together with your person and it shows you where you can become more whole as an individual, so to make your relationship your us space more whole. Yeah, less codependent and more in a very beautiful conscious go commit that relationship basically, this isn't mature, have you mature in your relationship and have you become a more mature and ecstatic being because it only brings good things when you start doing this, this work. And so it means it does mean responsibility, how you take radical responsibility for your own emotions and for how you are co-creating your relationship moment after moment instead of it's which is often happened. It's your fault, it's a me versus you situation, you make it into what we're both responsible, interesting, so how can we take responsibility for the fact that we are co-creating this and what is my part, what is my part and that's all you care about taking responsibility for your own part. And of course, if both of you do that, wow, this brings your relationship to a whole new level, this is unstoppable lovers, this is what I'm inviting you to say yes to. Yeah, you go deep into these things, but it feels like I just want to give a shorter introduction on the shadow, on emotional maturity, on what that could look like, on the necessity for you to feel into what feelings come up. You know, what part of you is now communicating with your partner, is it your wise adult part, or is it an shadow part and what does that mean and what does that, what does it mean from you. So that means being able to feel yourself and to have ways and tools and practices to actually feel emotions, release emotions. And I'm going to teach all of that in unstoppable lovers. So welcome to join, check out the link in the show notes. Of course, you can contact me if you just want, well, any other information about potentially working together. You know, I do one-on-one coaching, I do couples coaching and end coaching, of course, of women and men. I have no programs coming up, etc. So just reach out, connect. Yeah, and stay tuned for more. [Music]