The Rewriting of Reality: How Covert Narcissists Distort the Truth and Make You Doubt Yourself

[MUSIC] Some of the most damaging relationships are the hardest ones to explain. And they don't have to look extreme in order to be deeply harmful. Welcome to the covert narcissism podcast, where we make sense of what never quite made sense. If you've been listening for a while, you may already understand what's happening in your relationship. You can see the patterns, you can name the behaviors, but maybe you still feel stuck in the same cycle. This is where coaching comes in. It's not about learning more. It's about having the support to finally apply what you already know and begin moving forward. You need a coach. If you're ready for that next step, I invite you to join me in my coaching program. You can learn more about it at covertnarsacism.com. [MUSIC] You ever walk away from a conversation thinking, wait, what just happened there? Like you went in with a simple point, something small, something reasonable, something that you remembered. And you walked away feeling like your reality just totally got rewritten. Like that did not go anything in the direction like you thought it would. And maybe you even walk away thinking that you're the problem here. Let's say you go in and you say, hey, when you made that joke about me in front of everyone, it felt a little embarrassing. And they respond with, wow, I can't believe you took it that way. I was clearly joking. Everyone else laughed. You're just sensitive about that stuff. And now you pause because maybe they're right. Maybe you are being too sensitive. It was a joke and other people did laugh. But something still just didn't sit right with you. So you try again, maybe a little softer this time. I know it was a joke. It just didn't feel good to me. And now the story shifts even more. Rather than giving you a little space for those feelings, they dig in. And they really rewrite reality. That was lighthearted and fun. I have to walk on eggshells around you. You always turn things into something bigger than they are. I feel like I can't say anything around you anymore. And just like that, the entire conversation has changed. We're no longer talking about what was said. We're not talking about how it landed for you, how it impacted you or your feelings. We're now talking about your sensitivity, your reactions, your patterns. And if you've been in this long enough in that moment, you might even believe them. You might find yourself, you know, they're okay. Everybody did laugh. You might find yourself talking yourself into their version of reality. You might even apologize for bringing it up for misunderstanding, for making it a big deal. And somewhere in that moment, without even realizing it. Your narrative has been rewritten, not loudly, not aggressively, but certainly effectively. Today I want to talk about something that is incredibly disorienting, very subtle and extremely powerful. It's something that many people experience, but struggle to describe. And that is this rewriting of reality, or it's also called controlling of the narrative. This is not the kind of obvious gaslighting that people think of. This isn't someone yelling at you, telling you that you're crazy, calling you names, or completely denying something that clearly happened. This is quieter than that. And because of that, it's often far more effective. This is when the story starts to shift. And reality, all of a sudden, isn't reality anymore, or at least not the same version you saw, there might be just a little glimmer of truth, just enough that you believe them. And it leaves you more confused than you were before. This subtle shifting of reality is when you have a conversation and you walk away from it feeling a certain way. Maybe something didn't sit right. Maybe you felt dismissed. Maybe something felt off. You maybe quite can't put your finger on it, at least not yet. But then later, when the story comes back, whether you bring it up or the situation happens again, it doesn't come back the same. They'll say something like, well, that's not what I meant. Even though that's how you felt at the time, or they might say, well, you're misunderstanding what I said. Which can sound reasonable. They say, well, you're taking it the wrong way. I didn't mean it like that. We all do have misunderstandings sometimes. Yes, we all misinterpret tone or intention. This is a normal part of life. And so you give them the benefit of the doubt. But then it keeps happening. You start to notice that you're a version of events and they're a version of events don't match. And I don't mean just occasionally. I don't mean the one off. Because if it's a one off, then also there's usually room for repair to say, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. But this is consistently. And what's even more confusing is the way that they present it. It's calm. It's confident. It's not aggressive. At least not all the time. These are very subtle remarks and conversations. It's not chaotic. It's almost matter of fact. And this is so incredibly disorienting because you're not reacting to someone who seems irrational. You're reacting to someone who seems certain. Your time something starts to shift inside of you. You begin to question your own memory. You replay conversations in your own mind. You start to question your interpretation of events. You try to piece things together and you start analyzing, okay, what exactly did I say? What exactly did they say? Did I misunderstand that? Did I overreact? And there's nothing wrong with self reflection here. But it goes too far because now instead of trusting your experience, you're investigating it. And in this investigation, there's a whole lot of repetition of their narrative. And there's a power that lies here in this repetition because just the sheer repetition of a narrative makes it feel more true. When you're challenging their memory or their replay of reality here, their rewriting of reality and you're challenging it in your mind and you're saying no this way in that way. But I meant this and they meant that that sheer repetition that you go over and over it in your mind, trying to make sense of it, trying to defend yourself against it, trying to find the right words we should have said. But every time we do that, we are repeating the same narrative over and over. And that's their narrative. And with all of that repetition, we begin to believe it. Not because it's true, but because it becomes familiar. I am being too sensitive. I am being too reactive. They didn't mean it that way. You can see this phenomenon, play out in the news. Think about when you hear something in the news. Maybe there's an accusation made against someone. You know, someone that you are familiar with or that you know of based on the news, like somebody famous or whatever. And before you even hear their side of the story, something in your mind starts to form an opinion. You might catch yourself thinking, boy, I can't believe they did that. Or maybe that really surprises me about them. And what's interesting is at this point, you don't actually know what happened yet. You've just been introduced to a narrative. What happens in the news? That narrative gets repeated over and over. And it's framed a certain way and it starts to feel real. It starts to feel believable. Well, that's the power of narrative and controlling the narrative. Now bring this back to that one-on-one relationship where you're not just hearing something once in the news, but you're hearing it over and over again, okay, with this person in conversations and in subtle comments and in the way, you know, situations are being framed, reframed and told. But not only that, you're replaying it and hearing it inside of you as well. So you're not just exposed to a narrative, you're immersed in it. And when you're immersed in something like that, especially coming from someone you trust, it doesn't just influence what you think and influences what you believe about yourself. The controlling of a narrative is a powerful tool of covert narcissism. And it's not only in direct conversations that we see this. It's also in how they talk about you to other people. Covert narcissistic individuals are experts at controlling what other people think of you. They're experts at controlling what other people think of them, but also what they think of you. They control your image to others through subtle, even seemingly caring comments. They might say something like, she's been really stressed lately. I don't think she's sleeping very well. Now on the surface, this sounds like concern. It sounds supportive. It sounds like someone who's paying attention to you and your needs. But what it's actually doing, it's planting a seed. So now, imagine this. You're at a family gathering or maybe you're out with a couple of family friends. Nothing feels off to you. You've actually been doing some work on yourself. Maybe you've been setting boundaries. Maybe you've been feeling a little more grounded and you're just feeling better about who you are. Maybe things are starting to shift internally for you in a good way. Now, of course, that usually means that for the covert narcissist, it's not going in a good direction. And so that is part of why they then start to control the narrative. But they've controlled the narrative. They've made comments behind your back or like not in your presence. Like she's been really stressed lately. And I don't think she's sleeping very well. And I'm a little concerned about her. So someone pulls you aside and they say, "Hey, are you okay? "I heard you've been really stressed." And you pause because that's not how you would describe yourself right now. You actually feel like, you know, things are getting better and you're getting a better grasp on life. So you say, I mean, I'm busy, but I think I'm done okay. And they give you that look. And the one that says they don't quite believe you, they might even continue and say, "Are you sure?" I just heard you're not sleeping well and that things have been overwhelming for you. Well, now all of a sudden, you're in a position that maybe you didn't expect. You're not just having a normal conversation anymore. You're defending yourself. You're defending a version of yourself that you didn't create. And here's what's happening underneath that. The person you're talking to, they're not trying to harm you. They think that they're being supportive. But they've already been introduced to a narrative about you. And now they are filtering their perception through that narrative and replaying that narrative to you and you're now defending yourself to them. And so the narrative itself now has life. Do you see how this happens? And so when you say to them, "I'm okay." They doesn't fully land. Because the foundation of doubt has already been laid. Now multiply that. Multiple conversations, different conversations, different people, small comments made over time. And this whole story about you being stressed and not doing well in life. And it's out of concern from your partner. That whole story has been laid. With comments like she's just really overwhelmed lately. She's been a little off. Or I think she's struggling more than she lets on. So now when you say, "No, you're fine," they think it's because you're not willing to share. So before you know it, you start noticing the way people look at you. The questions they ask, the subtle concern and their tone as they check in with you. Something inside of you also starts to shift. You start wondering, "Am I missing something?" Do I seem that way to other people? Am I rested? Do I really look that tired? Because remember, you may not even know that this narrative is taking place outside of your ears shut. So even if you were feeling stable, even if you were making progress, now there's a layer of doubt that wasn't there before. (upbeat music) And this is where the impact goes deeper than just the relationship. Because now it's not just your reality being questioned and private, it's being questioned in your community and in your family, in your support system. The very people that you would normally go to for clarity, for help, for support, they've already been influenced. So instead of feeling grounded when you're with them, you feel like you have to explain yourself. Justify yourself. You have to prove that you're okay. That is incredibly destabilizing. Because it isolates you in an extremely quiet way. Not by removing people from your life, just by shifting how they see you. And again, this does not have to be in some intentional calculated malicious way. Okay, the covert abuse is so subtly can seem caring and compassionate and kind, but the effect is the same. The narrative spreads, and when the narrative is repeated by multiple people, it starts to feel even more real, which brings us right back to what we talked about earlier. We begin to believe something not because it's true, but because it's reinforced. This is why reclaiming your narrative is so important. At some point, you have to come back to your own internal experience and say, "What is actually true for me?" Not what's being suggested, not what's being implied, not what's being repeated, but what do I know to be true? Now, from the covert narcissist perspective, the goal is not just to change the story, the goal is to change your confidence and your ability to know what's true and what's real. Listen to what I'm saying here. They're not just trying to change the story. That's a surface effect, a surface issue. It goes deeper than that. They're undermining your confidence in yourself, your own perspective, your own feelings, your own memory, your own reality. Let me give you an example of how this might look in everyday life. You say, "Hey, when you said that earlier, it felt kind of dismissive." Now, instead of being met with curiosity, compassion, openness, the response you get is, that's not what I said, I was just trying to help. You always twist things. Now, the focus is no longer on what happened or on your perspective and your feelings. The focus is on your interpretation, your reaction, your perceived flaw. And just like that, the original issue disappears. It's replaced by this new issue. But here's where things could even more subtle. Sometimes they don't fully deny what happened. Sometimes they just reshape it. They might say, "I didn't say it like that," or, "You're exaggerating. You're focusing on one small part and ignoring everything else." And now you've got this little element of maybe truth and what they're saying. There's this little piece. It's not a complete contradiction. It's just a revision. Now, revisions are much harder to argue with, because now you're trying to prove nuance. You're trying to defend tone or context or intention. And that's almost impossible to do, especially in real time, especially with a covert narcissist. So what do most people do when you're in that situation? And there's maybe just enough truth in what they say that, and you can't really argue with this nuance, you just drop it. Not because it's resolved, but because it's exhausting. This pattern creates something that I've seen so often in people that I work with. It's your second guessing yourself before you even speak. You're softening your words over explaining, adding disclaimers, trying to make sure you are accurate enough before bringing something up. And this is exhausting. But I'm here to tell you what you experienced matters. Even if the exact words aren't perfectly remembered, it's okay. Even if the tone is hard to describe, and I know that it is, that's okay too. Even if you can't recreate the conversation word for word, the impact on you is real. And in these dynamics, the focus is constantly pulled away from that impact and redirected. It's redirected towards accuracy. Did that really happen? Did they really say that? Am I remembering that right? Instead of asking, why did that hurt? When that shift happens over and over, you begin to lose trust, not just in them. Okay, that happens. But I'm talking about the trust in yourself. So how do you start to come out of this? The first step is recognizing the pattern, absolutely. Not every disagreement is a rewriting of reality. Okay, people have different versions of the same story, different perspectives on reality, and that's okay. Not every miscommunication is a manipulation. But when there is a consistent pattern of your experience being dismissed, your perspective being minimized, reshaped, or things being redirected and flipped back at you, that's something to pay attention to. The second step is shifting where you place your focus. Instead of trying to prove the details of what happens, and that's where we get caught. We end up in this circular conversation with them because we're trying to prove our perspective, our feelings, or what, you know, our memory of what happened. Stop. Just come back to your internal experience. What did that feel like? What was my reaction? What felt off to me? As we have very recently discussed in the last couple of weeks, your body and your nervous system are often registering things long before your mind can make sense of them. And this is where so many people get stuck. They think healing means becoming more analytical, more aware, more precise in my thinking and in my words. But in reality, healing often looks like just reconnecting with your ability to feel and trust what you feel. If your body is telling you something is off, you don't have to win an argument to validate that. You don't even need an agreement in order for your experience to be real. And I want to leave you with this because this is something that you can carry with you. When the show is over, the show is over. story starts to shift. Instead of chasing the version that makes the most sense to them, or instead of trying to defend your version, come back to that part in you that made you pause in the first place. That moment matters. That feeling matters. Learning to trust that is where your clarity and your healing begins. Part of this journey is learning to reclaim your own narrative. Because if someone has been rewriting your reality long enough, it's not just your memories that get affected. It's your preferences, your joys, your identities, your challenges, the small everyday things that used to feel like you. I had a follower recently tell me, "Hey ruined my favorite holiday. I've always loved St. Patrick's Day, but he made so much fun of it for years, told me it was stupid, and now I will never celebrate it again." And I gently challenged her. I said, "Hey, do you see what's happening here? You're continuing his narrative. You're reinforcing it within yourself. He may not be here anymore, but the story that he created, it's still running. This is incredibly common for victims of covert narcissistic abuse. I challenged her to reclaim her favorite holiday. This isn't about him anymore. This is about you. It's about her. It's about St. Patrick's Day and her love for it. I don't care what he thinks of it. I care what you think of it. Now this part of your healing is not about the big decisions or the major life choices. It's about the small places, the music that you stopped listening to, the restaurant you stopped going to, the way you stopped laughing is loudly the friend that you pulled away from, the part of your personality that you toned down, the hobby that you gave up. All of these little pieces quietly shaped by someone else's perspective. So part of healing is not just recognizing what happened. It's asking yourself, what part of me did I set down along the way? What did I stop doing because I was criticized, dismissed, or made to feel insignificant? What did I once enjoy that I slowly convinced myself didn't matter? Maybe for you, it's something very simple. I think from many of us it is. Maybe it's going back to your favorite meal without explaining or justifying why you like it. Maybe it's reconnecting with a group, a church, a hobby, a friend that you distance yourself from. Maybe it's letting yourself enjoy something fully again without that voice in the back of your mind telling you it's too much or not important. This is how you begin to reclaim your narrative. Not all at once, not in some big dramatic moment, but in small intentional choices where you say, this is mine. I get to decide what I enjoy. I get to decide what matters to me. I get to decide what feels meaningful in my life. And when that old narrative shows up and it will, it'll stick around for a while. You don't have to fight it. You don't have to argue with it and by all means don't replay it in your mind. You just don't have to agree with it anymore. Because reclaiming your narrative isn't about proving them wrong. We're not going down that path because that will keep you in circular conversations for the rest of eternity. But it's about remembering what was always true for you in the first place. So I will leave you with this question. What part of your narrative do you need to reclaim right now? Right now choose one thing, a person, a place, and activity that you will reclaim for yourself. Your story matters and you deserve to be heard without judgment. If you're ready to take that next step toward healing, check out my coaching services at covertnarsicism.com. And don't forget to subscribe to this podcast for more empowering episodes like this one and to continue growing the CNG community so that we can reach others who just like you are living this nightmare. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing. You can see the patterns, you can name the behaviors. But maybe you still feel stuck in the same cycle. It's about having the support to finally apply what you already know and begin to move forward. You can learn more about it at covertnarsicism.com. Check out my coaching services at my website again covertnarsicism.com. And don't forget to subscribe to thumbs up to follow to like this podcast so that you can get more empowering episodes like this one and to help us continue spreading the word so that our community can continue to grow. The information provided by Renee Swanson, covertnarsicism podcast and C&G life coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a healthcare provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experience as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support any allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist that would be an unauthorized misuse of this material and information provided.