The real reason your boundaries aren't working (and what needs to change)

(upbeat music) Is your partner doing something that you don't want him to be doing and you just can't get him to stop? Friends and clients will often ask me, how do I set an enforceability to get my husband or partner spouse to do what I want? And that's just not how it works exactly. But there is something that you can do so that no matter what, you're getting what you need in a relationship. I'm Brian Jim Murphy, an author and Certified Relationship Coach helping you build right fit relationships and sizzling sex lives without shame or shards. And you're listening to the permission to desire podcast. Today we're going to talk about what a boundary is and is not and how you can set an enforced boundaries for yourself. Boundary is a bit of a self-care buzz word these days. There's this idea that if you can just like set them and then you'll have nothing but health and happiness in your life. And that's like true in a lot of ways, but it's not entirely true. And it's often easier set than done. A lot of clients that I work with misunderstand exactly what a boundary is and how to set them and how to enforce them. And so today we're going to get clear on all of that. First up, what is a boundary? You can think of a boundary as a set of principles that help you move through life with safety, ease, security. There are framework for what you will accept or won't accept and the actions that you'll take to keep yourself safe, healthy and respected. Personal boundaries are for you, about you, and by you. They're going to be personal to you and they're unique to each and every person. Boundaries aren't formed by your values, your personality, your wants interest, and even past traumas. And boundaries can help you get what you need and want in a relationship, but they always have to be coming from place of you centered. The University of Florida defines a personal boundary as, quote, "Alimately established for ourselves that allows us to build healthy relationships with others." This limit dictates what we are willing to accept or not as an appropriate and safe way for others to interact with us. Sometimes we'll set personal boundaries for everyone we interact with. Other times we may sit particularly boundaries for specific individuals. You get to decide what your boundaries are for you, which also on the flip side means that you don't get to decide for your partners, they get to decide what their boundaries are. It's important to clarify what boundaries aren't as we explore boundaries and relationships. A boundary is not a rule or an agreement that you come up with together with your partner. Those can have an important place in your relationship, but they're distinct from a boundary. A boundary is also not something that you're trying to force or manipulate your partner into doing. Personal boundaries guide your actions and what works for you. They aren't about controlling someone else. For example, these are not boundaries. You can't sleep with him. You have to use content with everyone else. You have to stop leading socks around the apartment. Yes, I know. That is a while, these specific. I am constantly taking off my socks and leaving them around our home. And so while boundaries aren't about controlling or eliminating someone else's behavior, that doesn't mean you can't have preferences or on cultural feelings or make requests of your partner because you're annoyed when they leave their socks around the apartment. We will talk more about that later on in this episode. So what do personal boundaries look like in practice? Here are some examples related to sex and relationships. I will only have sex with a condom. I will not be in a monogamous relationship. I will only be in a monogamous relationship. I will only allow people into my home if I know about it in advance. I will not have sex with someone who is having condomless sex with other people. I will only have sex without condoms. As you can see, there's a range of different values and opinions and ways of moving through life and sex and relationships that would feel right for whoever is setting these types of boundaries. As you're setting boundaries, it's really crucial that you discern for yourself if it is an actual boundary. Something that is like core and unshakable and unmovable are at least for now, right? Where humans things evolve and change. And it's not something that you're just saying, hoping that if you say it forcefully enough, if you phrase it as a boundary, it's almost like an ultimatum and you'll coerce your partner or someone else into changing their behaviors. If you're not willing to, for instance, walk away from the relationship because you will not be in a monogamous relationship or you will only be in a monogamous relationship, if you're not willing to not have sex with a person because they don't want to use a condom, then what you're saying is a boundary is perhaps just manipulation tactic. Now of course, sometimes we have what we want to be boundaries and we cave, we betray ourselves. If that has happened to you, that is like you're human. We're all human and we can take time to regroup and move forward from there. But if you know, I'm just hoping if I say it forcefully enough, he'll change his mind, that is a warning sign. So how can you spot boundaries that aren't actually personal boundaries? If they go like this, he will, he must, he can, he can't. If you start the sentence with you or he or she or they, it's probably not a boundary. In those instances, it's about trying to control or set limits on someone else's behavior. And that leads us to another way that you can spot that a boundary is not actually a boundary. If what you're saying is entirely out of your control, it is probably not a boundary. There are needs to be at least something that is inside of your control in order for your response or your actions or whatever you're saying to be a boundary. Boundaries are again about how you act, how you will respond, what you will do. There's actually like no way to enforce someone else's behavior. That's just like a rule you're setting for someone else and they can like choose to follow the rule or not follow the rule. If someone can cross it and be wrong slash bad, such in trouble, but like nothing actually changes in you, then that wasn't a boundary. Once you understand what a boundary is and you get clear on your own boundaries, it becomes much easier to enforce them. And that's because you are in control. So you just like don't cross these boundaries. If a boundary of yours is that you're always going to where condoms when you have sex, and if a guy comes along, he doesn't only use condoms and he won't budge on that, then you just don't have sex with him. Usually boundaries are something that you can restore quickly and easily if they're crossed. If a boundary of yours is that you won't talk about a particular topic and a family member keeps insisting on talking about that, you can say out loud, I'm not going to talk about that. You can get up and leave the room. You can even leave the house. You might even decide to not come over or not talk to that person in the future if they continue to bring this up, you need to get every conversation. As you can see in each of these, there's no way that you can stop that person from doing the thing that you don't want them to do to talk about whatever topic it is, but you get to control your response. You have an idea of exactly what you need to do. When you know your boundaries, you are in control, which is not to say that it's always easy, right? Boundaries might be uncomfortable to enforce. It sometimes takes a lot of courage to say to a person, I'm not going to talk to about that, or I won't be talked to like that, or this is not for discussion. It's be uncomfortable to get up and leave the room. It can be uncomfortable to turn down sex with someone you want to because they won't use a condom or because they insist on using a condom. It can be uncomfortable to say this relationship isn't working out for me because this is just not what I will accept in a relationship. And sometimes you might bump up against boundaries. They might be painful to enforce, but ultimately when you are living in alignment with your boundaries, you're going to be living a life that is on your own terms. But so does that mean that you can't just ever ask your partner to do something differently for you? And of course not, you absolutely can. So remember how I said that I often leave my socks around the apartment, I just like, I don't know, I don't like having socks on my feet. I take them off when I'm sitting on the couch and then I just leave them there or I'll leave them in the bedroom. Sometimes I partner will find them in the bed. And like he's not a big fan of it. And so in that case, he has some options. He can decide that it just doesn't matter to him that he's going to like see the socks and be like, whatever, that's what Brian does. He leaves the socks around. He can ask me to be more mindful to put away my socks. And ideally, even sure why that's important to him. So that I went me like more inspired or willing to cooperate and like say yes to his response if I truly understand it. But I ultimately get to decide how to respond. I could say like, yeah, sure, I'll try to be more mindful or I can say like listen babe. I had been taking my socks off for as long as I've known you. It's like, it happens up consciously. I can try maybe, but it's probably going to keep happening. And another way that he might respond is he can tell me that if he sees dirty socks out in our home, he is going to swoop them up and put them in the laundry basket if they bother him. This is a great example of boundaries versus requests. His boundary is perhaps not living in a house with dirty laundry out. And so he does something about it. One way that he might do something about that is a request asking me to change. Another way that he might respond to that is in this case picking up the socks and putting them in the laundry basket. Or a third way is that he might just decide that they don't bother him. Like, our case has probably like some combination of all of the above. It's a little bit like learning to see them as like just little reminders of his love for me. It's a little bit like me trying to be a bit more mindful and putting them away. And this little bit of him just like sometimes dealing with it and putting my socks away. An extreme example of that could be like, I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who leaves their socks all over the house. And I think that we can hopefully all agree that that is in isolation at least perhaps like an outsized response to this small simple thing of leading socks around the house, which is why I picked something small, right? Like socks are minor, but there are going to be some situations that are going to be more fraught. That might work. require bigger, bolder responses from you. Boundaries are tools that we use to keep ourselves safe, healthy, thriving, and in alignment. And there's no right or wrong answer to how to set a boundary. As you're figuring out your boundaries are and setting them, it's important to check you with yourself to figure out what is sort of a core value non-negotiable and what are some nice to have or preferences. Like, I just, I'm a weirdo, I know. I just don't like coffee. I don't like the taste of it. I don't like the smell of it. I don't like anything about it. And so I would prefer to go through life, like never kissing anyone who has had coffee recently. But like my partner, he loves coffee. So he's often drinking it. And so sometimes I have to like smooch him when he's been after he's been drinking coffee. I get to decide how I'm going to respond to that. I can decide in the moment that it's just my partner me that much. And I'm going to smooch him anyways. I can set up a boundary and say, I'm going to wait until it's time to have time as past that your breath doesn't smell like coffee anymore. Or I'm only going to smooch you before you have the coffee. Now he knows that I don't love coffee. So sometimes in the morning, I was like, I'm going to about to have my coffee. Let's get some kisses in now. Or if I go in for a kiss, I'll be like heads up. I just had some coffee. But a lot of times, I just like kissing anyways because in the grand scheme of things, this actually doesn't matter. And it would be extreme to say, I can't ever kiss anyone who smells like coffee. And we even more extreme to say, I'm not going to date anyone who ever drinks coffee. But there are some boundaries that are much more important. And they do require some bolder claims. I'm not going to have someone who is visibly noticeably drunk or high, especially on a drug like Crystal meth. If I'm talking to someone and it seems like they might be doing that, I get clarity. And if they are, I just don't do it. I've even had someone come over once. And it was clear that he was on some sort of substance. And I was just like, this is not going to work out. I was kind and gentle and friendly and tried to be not shaming about it. But I knew this is not going to work for me. And so we got to move on. It's OK if you're not immediately sure, is this a boundary? Is this a preference? Is this a request? Is this a rule that I'm trying to enforce on someone else? So as you're setting your own personal boundaries and figuring out what works for you and your relationships or you're collaborating with your partner to understand what works for him or them and for his own life and in your relationship together, feel free to take the time to sort of like sit with it, come back with it, talk about it, see if there are multiple different ways that you might approach getting what it is that is important to you. Sometimes we might have multiple different tactics that we can take to maintain our boundaries of safety and security. Boundaries and requests are just two parts of healthy and productive communication. If there are points of tension, conflict, or disagreement that you keep bumping up against and you can't seem to get past, then the relationship coaching program will help you communicate with greater ease and most importantly, get on the same page so that you're making each other happier and not more stressed. If that sounds helpful for you, you can apply at this is bgm.com/apply. In this discussion of boundaries, I want to have a one big caveat. Knowing and setting and enforcing your own personal boundaries is a tool. It's not an excuse for anyone else's behaviors. None of this is an excuse for abuse, manipulation, toxic behavior, sexual assault, or anything like that. So if something bad happens to you, if someone does something to you that is outside of your control, if someone harms you in some way, it's not your fault and you should not ever feel like, well, I just didn't set my boundaries the right way. Or that must not have been an actual boundary because I let it happen to me. Sometimes the bad shit happens to us. So as my friends in the multi-amory podcast would say, don't weaponize this shit. And remember, things change in your life. You're not the same person today that you were last week, last month, last year. Maybe not even the same person you were yesterday. So as you grown of all, your boundaries might need to change. You might have developed more resilience and so situations that used to really bother you don't act at you as much anymore. You might find that your values or your interests have changed. You might learn something new about yourself or about another person or about the world and then shift your perspectives. You might have fine new tools and new ways of getting what you need in order to keep you safe and happy and secure in a relationship. So at any time, you can change your boundaries and re-evaluate what's working and what's not working and set new lens. If the boundaries that you had aren't working anymore, let's make a plan to revise them so you can get back to thoroughly enjoying your relationship. Head on over to this is bgm.com/apply to schedule your next steps call. On that call, we will do a deep dive into your relationship and your boundaries and what you're trying to have them do for you and where it's not working. And we will make a plan to get your relationship and your boundaries back on track. I'll share how Kushi can support you in that plan and of course answer any questions that you have about coaching. And that plan is yours to keep either way, whether we work together or not. Again, that's this is bgm.com/apply. If I can leave you with one thought for this episode, it's that you deserve to be value and respected and safe and secure at all times in your relationships of all sorts with friends, family, and partners. Boundaries are one tool that you can use to make sure that that happens. Be true to yourself, be kind to yourself, and others. Remember that you are working progress and that you keep going, you can figure it out. You're worth it. (upbeat music) I'm Brian G. Murphy and this is Ben Yor, a permission to desire.