The Raw Truth About Moderating Your Drinking

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery in Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I'm your coach, Angela Pugh, and today we're going to talk about something that might hit a little harder than usual. But if you really hear it, this could be the shift that finally gets you out of the loop you've been stuck in. Because here's the truth, you're not trying to quit drinking. You're trying to control it just enough so you don't have to lose it. And that's exactly why you keep ending up back at day one. I know that might sting a little, but if you're listening to this podcast, you've probably already had that moment, maybe more than once, where you said, "Okay, I'm done, I cannot keep doing this." And you meant it. You stopped. You got a few days, maybe a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. And somewhere along the way, something shifts. Not all at once, it's subtle. You start thinking, "Maybe I overreacted. Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I can handle it now." So you make a new plan. This time it's just weekends, just wine, just socially, just not alone, just not during the week. You start building rules. You start negotiating. And it feels like effort. It feels like progress. But it's not. It's the same pattern, just wearing a different outfit. Because every time you go back to trying to control it, you're keeping the door open. You're not leaving. You're managing. And most people don't even realize that's what they're doing. They think they're trying to quit. They think they're just struggling. They think they haven't found the right strategy yet. But that's not what's happening. You're not confused. You're still attached. You still want alcohol in your life. You just want it to behave. And as long as that's true, you'll stay stuck in this cycle. Trying, breaking your own rules, feeling guilty, resetting, over and over and over again. So today we're going to break this down. We're going to talk about what this pattern actually is, why it feels like progress but goes nowhere, why people stay here for years, and the truth you have to face if you actually want this to change. Because you don't need better rules, you need a different direction. And let's talk about what this actually looks like in real life. Because this pattern is sneaky. It doesn't just show up as I'm choosing to stay stuck. And it shows up as I'm trying. It looks like effort. It looks like this time will be different. But when you zoom out, it always follows the same script. You decide you're done. Maybe it's a bad night. Maybe you're just exhausted. Maybe you woke up one morning, you think like, oh my God, I cannot keep doing this. So you stop. And in the beginning, it feels strong. You're clear. You're determined. You're like, no, I mean it this time. And for a little while, you follow through. You feel better. You're sleeping better. Your head is clearer. You're not waking up with that anxiety. And then your brain starts talking. Not loudly, but subtly, reasonably. It sounds like see, you're fine. You don't have a problem like other people. You just need to reset. You can handle it now. You're high functioning. And this is where everything shifts. Because instead of recognizing that voice for what it is, you start listening to it. You start building a new plan, not to quit, but to control. And this is where the rules come in. You've done this. I know you have because we all have. You say, I'm only drinking on weekends. I'm not drinking at home anymore. I'm only going to drink if I'm out with other people. I'll switch to just wine. I won't drink two days in a row. And for a minute, it feels like you've got it figured out. You feel in control again. But here's what's actually happening. You're not solving the problem. You're managing your access to it. You're trying to fit alcohol into a version of your life that doesn't hurt as much. And that version doesn't exist. Because alcohol doesn't suddenly respect your boundaries. It doesn't suddenly decide to follow your rules. It doesn't start cooperating just because you made a plan. So what happens? You follow the rules until you don't. Because something will hit a stressful day, a celebration, just a random Tuesday where you feel off. And in that moment, your rules don't matter because your relationship with alcohol hasn't changed. So you break the rules. Maybe a little at first, then a little more. And before you know it, you're right back in the same place you said you were done with. And then comes the part that really keeps you stuck because you feel like you failed. And you think what's wrong with me? So you reset. I'm done again. New rules, new plan, new promise, same cycle. And I want you to hear this clearly. This is not a discipline problem. This is not a willpower problem. This is a direction problem. Because you're putting all of your effort into controlling something that you haven't actually decided to let go of. And that's why this feels so exhausting because you're constantly managing, constantly negotiating, constantly thinking about it. What day is it? Did I already drink this week? Is this allowed? Is this too much? It's constant. Because now you're not just drinking, you're managing drinking. And that's a full-time mental job. So let's call this what it actually is. Because if you mislabel the problem, you will keep chasing the wrong solution. Most people think this is about effort. They think I'm trying. I just need to try harder. I just need more discipline. I just need to get it right this time. This isn't an effort problem. This is an attachment problem. You're still attached to alcohol. You still want it in your life. And until you see that clearly, you'll keep trying to control it instead of letting it go. Because think about it. If you truly believed alcohol had nothing to offer you, you wouldn't be negotiating with it. You wouldn't be trying to make it work. You wouldn't be creating rules around it. You just walk away. The only reason you keep trying to control it is because part of you still wants it. And I'm going to say this in a really direct way. You don't want to quit. You want it to finally behave. You want it to stop causing problems. You want to keep the parts you like without the parts you hate, the relaxation, the escape, the reward, the social ease, without the anxiety, the regret, the consequences, the loss of control. But alcohol doesn't work like that. You don't get to separate the two. They come together, always. And as long as you believe there's a version of drinking that works for you, you'll keep chasing it. You'll keep adjusting, keep testing, keep trying to prove to yourself that this time is different. But here's the part most people don't see. That belief that it could work, that's what keeps the cycle alive. Because every time you go back, you're reinforcing the idea that it's still an option. And when something is still an option, your brain will keep returning to it, especially when things get hard, especially when you're stressed, tired, and emotional, and overwhelmed. Because in those moments, your brain doesn't want logic, it wants relief. And alcohol is still sitting there in your mind as maybe this will help. Even if you know it won't. Even if you've proven it a hundred times. That attachment, that belief is the real problem. Not your effort, not your discipline, not your ability to follow through. Because you can't fully walk away from something while you're still hoping it might work out. You can't close the door while you're still holding onto the handle. And that's exactly what this pattern is. You're standing in the doorway, one foot in, one foot out, telling yourself you're leaving while still looking back. And that position is exhausting. Because you don't get the relief of letting go. and you don't get the illusion of fully having it either. You just sit in the middle, managing, thinking, negotiating, going back and forth in your head every single day. Let me pause here for a second because this actually connects to what we're talking about. When you're stuck in that cycle, constantly thinking, constantly managing, constantly negotiating, your nervous system is always on. And one of the things I had to learn, personally and in recovery, is how to actually create real comfort in my life, not just chase relief. And that's what I love about cozy Earth. Because what I love about their products is they're built with intention, like real intention in the details, whether it's their socks that you're wearing all day or your comfort or at night, everything is designed to help your body settle. And if you're anything like me, sleep is everything. If I'm not sleeping well, everything feels harder, right? My patience is lower, my energy is off, my mindset is off. And their comfortors are made to be breathable and temperature regulating, so you're not overheating, you're not waking up uncomfortable, you're actually resting. And that matters more than people realize because how you feel during the day starts with how you slept the night before. So if you wanna upgrade something simple that actually makes a difference in your everyday life, go to cozyearth.com and use my code Angela for up to 20% off. They also offer a hundred night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty. So you can try it and feel the difference for yourself. Go check it out at cozyearth.com, use my code Angela. Okay, so let's talk about what this cycle actually does to you. Not just what it looks like, but what it feels like to live inside it because on the surface it looks like you're trying. You stop, you start again, you make a new plan. But underneath that, there's something else building. And it's heavy because every time you say I'm done and then you go back, you don't just feel frustrated. You feel disappointed in yourself and not in a small way, but in a deep personal way. It starts to sound like, why do I keep doing this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just stick to it? And those thoughts don't just pass through your mind. They stick, they start to shape how you see yourself because it's not just about drinking. Now it's about you, your discipline, your follow through, your ability to trust yourself. And every time that cycle repeats, that trust takes another hit. You start second guessing everything, not just drinking decisions, everything. You say you're gonna do something and there's that quiet voice in the back of your head that goes, yeah, we'll see. That's what this loop does. It chips away at your confidence little by little until you don't feel solid anymore. And then there's the mental noise because when you're in this cycle, alcohol isn't just something you do. It's something you think about constantly. You're always calculating. Can I drink tonight? Is this too much? Is this allowed? It's exhausting. And the worst part is you never get a break from it. Even when you're not drinking, you're thinking about drinking or thinking about not drinking or thinking about whether you're allowed to drink. It's always there running in the background, taking up space, taking up energy, and then there's the morning after. That split second before you remember, and then it hits. What you did, what you said, how you feel. And that drop in your stomach, oh, nobody likes to talk about that. Because it's not just physical, it's emotional. It's the realization I did it again. And that feeling, it doesn't motivate you the way you think it should. It doesn't make you stronger. It makes you feel defeated. So you try to fix it the only way you know how you reset. Okay, seriously this time. But now you're not starting from strength. You're starting from frustration, from disappointment, from trying to prove something to yourself. And that energy doesn't last because it's not built on clarity. It's built on reaction. So eventually, you find yourself right back at the same place. And here's the real truth, too. This cycle doesn't just keep you stuck. It keeps you small. Because when you don't trust yourself, you don't take big steps. You don't make bold decisions. You don't move your life forward, the way you're capable of. You stay in maintenance mode, trying to get through the day, trying to not mess up again, trying to keep everything under control. And that's not the life you actually want. But as long as you stay in the loop, it's the life you're gonna keep living. So if this cycle feels so bad, if it's exhausting, if it's chipping away at your confidence, why do you stay in it? Why not just walk away? And this is where we've got to get real honest. Because it's not about knowing what to do. It's not about needing more information. It's not about discipline. It's about fear. More specifically, it's about what you believe you're going to lose. Because when you think about quitting completely, not controlling it, not managing it, but actually letting it go, your brain immediately goes to forever. And that word feels heavy. It feels restrictive. It feels like something's being taken away from you. So instead of making a clean decision, you stay in the middle. Because the middle feels safer. In the middle, you can tell yourself, I'm working on it. I'm figuring it out. I'm getting better. You don't have to fully commit. You don't have to fully let go. You get to keep the possibility. And that's what you're really holding on to, not alcohol itself, the option of alcohol, the idea that it's still there if you want it. And that matter is more than most people realize because it's tied to identity. It's tied to how you see yourself, your routines, your social life, your way of unwinding. It's tied to the question, who am I without this? And that question stops people in their tracks. Because now it's not just about drinking. It's about how do I relax? How do I celebrate? How do I connect with people? What do I do at the end of a long day? And if you don't have clear answers to those questions yet, of course you're gonna hold on. Of course you're gonna keep trying to make it work. Because letting go feels like stepping into the unknown and the unknown is uncomfortable. So you choose what's familiar, even if it's painful, even if it's exhausting, even if you already know it's not working, because at least you understand it. And then there's one more piece that keeps people locked in this cycle. And this one is sneaky too. It's the illusion of control. Because every time you make a new rule, every time you come up with a new plan, it gives you a sense of, "I've got this." It feels like control. But it's not. Because real control would mean you're not thinking about it all the time. It would mean you're not negotiating with yourself every day. It wouldn't be taking up this much space in your mind, but that's not what's happening. You're constantly thinking about it, constantly managing it, constantly adjusting and calling that control. When in reality it's control that's controlling you. And as long as you stay here, you get to avoid the discomfort of fully letting go, but you also stay stuck in the discomfort of never moving forward. You don't have to face the fear, but you don't get the freedom either. You just stay in the middle. And the middle is where people lose years. Here's the truth. You cannot build a life you are proud of while still trying to keep the thing that's holding you back. You just can't. Because every time you leave the door open, you walk back through it every time. You don't need better rules. You don't need a stricter plan. You don't need to get it right this time. You need a different direction because control is not the solution. Control is the delay. It's what keeps you in the cycle and keeps you negotiating and keeps you stuck between, I know this isn't working and I'm not ready to let it go. And that space, the middle, that's where nothing changes. That's where you stay busy without actually moving forward. You keep telling yourself I'm trying, but your life stays the same or worse, it slowly gets smaller. Because you're not making decisions from clarity, you're making them from attachment and fear and not wanting to lose something. Not wanting to lose something that isn't actually giving you what you think it is. And until you're willing to be honest about that, nothing shifts, not permanently. Because you can't fix something, you're still trying to keep. You can't change your relationship with alcohol, while you're still hoping it will work out. At some point, you have to stop negotiating, you have to stop trying to manage it, you have to stop trying to find the version of it that finally behaves, and you have to decide this doesn't belong in my life anymore. Because you're done wasting energy on something that keeps taking more than it gives. And I know what your brain is going to do right here. It's going to say, "Yeah, but well, maybe I can't." Well, what if I just, right? That's the pattern. That's the negotiation. Everyone's telling me how they're different. Their situation is different and they're so unique. And yeah, but what about this? And oh, but that's not me, but my life is this. And I'm this and I do this. Yeah, I know you're not unique. We're all the same, right? That's the exact thing that keeps pulling you back in. And if you don't interrupt it, you already know where it leads. So if you're listening to this and you recognize yourself in this pattern, the rules, the resets, the negotiating, that this time will be different, here's what I want you to take with you. This isn't about you failing. This isn't about you not trying hard enough. This is about the direction you've been moving in. You've been trying to fix something while still holding onto it. And that's why it hasn't worked. Because you've been stuck in the middle. And the middle keeps you busy, but it doesn't move you forward. And this is actually something I talked about in another episode. You're not doing the work. You're just watching other people do it. Because that's what happens for a lot of people. If they stay in this space where it feels like they're doing something, they're thinking about it. They're listening to podcasts. They're making plans. But they're not actually changing direction. And that's the connection. You can't think your way out of this. You can't plan your way out of this. And you definitely can't control your way out of this. So the shift is simple. Not easy, but simple. Stop trying to make alcohol behave. Stop trying to fit it into a version of your life where it doesn't cause problems. And start asking a different question. What would my life look like if this just didn't belong anymore? Because that's where the freedom is. Not in better rules, not in more control, but in clarity, in direction, in finally stepping out of the loop instead of trying to manage it. And listen, you don't have to have everything figured out today. You don't have to solve the next year of your life right now. You just have to be honest about what's not working. And be willing to choose something different. That's where this starts. And if you want help with that, if you're ready to get out of this cycle and actually build something solid, you know I'm here. You can book a call with me, addictionalimit.com/call. We'll talk about where you are, what you need. There are different options to accommodate different situations and different budgets and different levels of support. Addictionalimit.com/call. Of course, that link is always in the show notes. And one thing I always tell people on our calls too is that this probably isn't as difficult as you think it will be, right? You've just been trying to do it without the answers to the questions. This is a much easier process when you have support and answers and solutions. So take this with you. You need a different direction. I hope this helps and I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, Candid and Honest Conversation about Addiction and Recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode. 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