471. The psychology of weddings

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Try Clinique Moist to Surge 100 Hour today at Clinique.com that feels like Moist to Surge. Hello, everybody. I'm Gemma Spake. And welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. As we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s and also beyond at this stage, I have a big episode for you guys. I am here in my bridesmaids, sash, my veil on. And no, I am not getting married. But there are certain episodes that call for a bit of a dress up and this episode is one of them. I have to tell you where I found these beautiful items if you're watching on Netflix, you know what I'm referring to. Literally as we were going to record this episode, I said to my friend/producer, well, she said, why aren't you wearing a wedding dress? And I was like, why am I not wearing a wedding dress? Because I don't own one, because I'm not getting married. But I was like, why are we not making a bit more of a fanfare about the psychology of weddings? There's already enough fanfare, let's add to it. So yes, I found these beautiful props, slash my beautiful costume from a, like, I don't even know a convenience slash party store. And I genuinely don't think they even knew this little, what is this veil? I don't even think they knew they had it. I brought it up to the front and the woman took a photo of it. And I was like, is this for sale? She goes, yeah, yeah, I just never seen it before. So first time for everything. First time for me to be wearing my little get up. But what are we talking about today, if it's not already obvious? We are going to talk about the psychology of weddings. So I have officially reached the age where every second weekend, someone is either getting engaged or getting married. I remember people talking about this moment when I was in my early 20s, and in like, when I was like 19 or 20, and they talked about how everybody suddenly gets married. And I genuinely was like, you guys are exaggerating. How big could wedding season really be? How quickly does this really happen? They were not exaggerating. They were not exaggerating about anything. For those of you yet to experience this, you reached like 26, 27, and the rings come out. And don't get me wrong, that is a beautiful and incredible thing. But weddings put human psychology on full display. Let me just say that underneath all the love and the bliss and the merriment are huge expectations. Expectations from the couple, that this is going to be the best day of their life. Expectations about who should pay, how much it took cost, who should be involved, how people should behave, the role of the family, the role of the friends. There is a lot of literature in this space on the psychology of marriage. It is a huge institution. People have been speaking about it in the psychology journals for decades. There is so little on the psychology of weddings. And so little on how this event impacts people, not just the couple. So today, I wanted to do a full psychological investigation. We're going to talk about a few things specifically, A, the pressure for the perfect wedding, B, the history of weddings, and why they have become more and more lavish over the decades, including the role of Princess Diana, the role of World War II, and the role of the economy on wedding traditions. We are also going to talk about why so many couples break up during the wedding planning period, why we lose friendships over weddings, which happens a lot more than you think, and the pressure to spend as much money as we do. We're also going to talk about the psychology of allotments as well. I feel like I needed to chuck that in there because they have their own fascinating role and part to play in this. It is a big episode. It is a highly requested episode. And I'm really excited for this one. I feel the joy leaping off the research. So strap in. It's so fascinating. Without further ado, let's get into the psychology of weddings. Let me just fix my veil. Okay, so let's start with the most pressing question. Why is there so much pressure on weddings to be the best day of your life, according to the research, according to the psychology? So there are a few rides of passage as pivotal and as big and as significant as a wedding or getting married. Graduations are maybe up there. Birthdays, you typically have a few. So it's less of a big deal. Having a kid is often private. A wedding and to a lesser extent, a marriage in this case is something that is visible. A wedding feels life defining. It is something that will affect all other decisions that you go on to make. And you are told you basically only have one shot. And the finality of that is really significant. And it's also been driven into us since we were very, very young. Marriage is an institution. It's one of the first institutions we understand. Marriage is the end goal. And it's not enough to just be in love. There has to be some socially recognized ceremony to signify like your commitment to one another. There has to be some physical representation of your union. And the singularity of this all just raises the stakes as to all of the social norms that say, this is the correct path. This is something that we should all aspire to have this is something that we all will have. That's what it tells us. Everybody is going to have a wedding. Everyone's going to have a marriage. That's what's expected of you. And so we are taught to anticipate it, imagine it planned for it, picture it, way in advance of when it actually happens. And I think in a manner that we're not really taught to fantasize about anything else in the future. If you think about it, you know, you've probably never pictured exactly what you'd like to wear when you give birth. Like, when you were a kid, you probably didn't fantasize about what song was going to play when you graduated, or whether you wanted a small or large 20th birthday party, or what flowers were going to be at your graduation. These expectations and that long run-up especially affects us psychologically because of something called the focusing illusion. So the focusing illusion is this tendency we have to over-estimate how much a single factor or a single event is going to affect our long-term happiness. It was originally coined by these two researchers in California. Their names were Daniel Cainman and David Shade. Shade, I think. Shade, I can't really pronounce it, but David Shade will say. And they basically realized we put a whole lot of pressure on a very few select decisions to guarantee our happiness. These are typically where we choose to live, what we choose to do, who we choose to marry. Those three decisions we think account for the majority of our happiness, and they actually only partially do. The result of this is that our expectations for how drastically a wedding, a marriage is going to change our life, often leave us with really high expectations and a lot of disappointment. An event that you've been planning in your mind sometimes for decades has a lot of fantasy content and has a lot of imagined perfection to compete with and it's probably going to lose. There is also an underlying social script here that you will never be fully happy, you will never be fully yourself or content or you will never be fully successful unless you find the perfect person who matters you in all respects. You will only know true happiness and peace when you meet your soulmate and your wedding should symbolize the enormity of that extraordinary feeling and the miracle of like finding somebody. If you want your love to be perfect, there is this big message sent out by the wedding industry that your wedding needs to be reflective of that. A perfect love story would have a perfect wedding. If your wedding is an amazing or you don't want to spend all that money or things go wrong or God forbid it isn't the best day of your life, there is this sense of a disappointment and be failure, there is no do overs and so the anticipated and the promised happiness might not happen. The emotional let down of this can actually be physically painful, they've done research on this, they've done studies like what happens after a wedding can actually be really disruptive and it links to this other, a very similar idea of the arrival fallacy, right? You'll expect to arrive at these big moments and they expect life to just make sense and so often it doesn't because you might have the perfect wedding but when you step out of your perfect wedding, the rest of your life is still there. The rest of your life, your bad job, your friends who don't really understand you, like they remain a 24 hour day of cake and champagne doesn't really change that the way that we expect it to. So there's a name for what happens when we arrive at something and we're kind of maybe let down by it. The name specifically for weddings is post-wedding blues. You've anticipated this whole your whole life and actually regardless of whether it's amazing or not, there is this sense of like I am over the mole hill, you know, I've been looking forward to this day for so long, no other day is ever going to be as good. What else is there to look forward to? I think this is partially the reason why we're seeing more and more multi day weddings lasting three or four days. If the social myth is this is the best day of your life, a loophole is to make your wedding multiple days of your life. Now you have two or three or four best days of your life all in one, but again, so many people have these like elaborate ceremonies and then they fall into these really deep depressions afterwards. I read this one study that said I think it's like 12% of brides experience a level of clinical depression after their wedding because there is so much dopamine and so much anticipation that is pushing you to this peak and then afterwards you just drop and there's not like if this has been everything you're looking forward to, like there's just not much to look forward to after that. So I think we need better framing. Your wedding is hopefully an amazing day, but it is one of many amazing days that you're going to have. It will also be one of the most stressful, most expensive days of your life as well. So make sure you read some of those terms and conditions, obviously I'm saying this is somebody who's never had a wedding and never got married, but some of the researchers really kind of freaking me out, I will say. Speaking of multi-day weddings, I think this is a great pivot, something I really wanted to know when I was researching this episode was how weddings have evolved to become such huge events when they weren't really like that for a long time. So to answer this, I had to dive into a bit of matrimonial history and I had to look at the evolution of weddings of the last 100 years. Here's what I found, 100 years ago, you would not see the lavishness that you see these days or at least you wouldn't see it in normal people, maybe in royalty, maybe in like for very rich people, but the average person did not have the ceremony that we do today. The tradition back then, at least for Western weddings, was to get married at your church, have a small garden party and then a reception at your family home and then you would go on your honeymoon. Sometimes you wouldn't even go on your honeymoon, you would go away for a weekend till like the next town over. There was this interesting article that said it was very normal for like multiple couples to even get married on the same day and to share a reception, especially if they were sisters or cousins or family members. They would often be a dress, but it was often rented, sometimes not even a white dress, it was just a nice dress, there was a cake, there was the exchange of rings which were often just gold or copper or silver bands, they didn't have a diamond and that was that you were married. Imagine telling in 1930s, Bride, that she would now need a videographer and a personalized gift for everyone and she would need three outfits and she would need three course meal and she would need an open bar. I think she would be like totally shocked. The weddings that we know of today seem to only really come about in the 1950s and post-World War II. One of my best sources of this was actually the magazine Bride, it's very Bride-centered this episode, I'm sorry, but that's where everybody's focusing. This magazine is, if you've been a bride, I feel like you know what it is, it's like the Vogue for weddings and I think there is a Vogue weddings as well. But this one is like just for weddings and they note that there was this huge shift towards these weddings that we know of today after World War II because people were just like so happy to be alive and they were so optimistic and the world looked like it was getting better and there was also so much financial prosperity especially in America and so people suddenly had the budget to get the special dress, to put on a big party, to make an event and not only did they have the budget, they had the motivation to really like party and celebrate. Another thing that happened around this time as well was celebrity culture was changing rapidly. So tabloids were becoming popular, people were invested not just in what they were seeing on the movie screen, they wanted to know about the actor's life behind the scenes and so the weddings of celebrities really started to inspire the weddings of the average person because they were like well this looks amazing, this looks great, I'm gonna follow what they are doing, it just kind of escalated more and more from there and more and more was expected from the average wedding. Wedding historians also referred to one final event in recent history that took weddings from the basically just solidified the magnitude of the wedding industry and that was the wedding of Princess Diana and Prince Charles, the wedding of the century. I feel like we all know what that dress looks like, some of us won't even alive. So in the span of 60 years weddings went from an intimate, often religious based family oriented afternoon, especially in Western cultures, that's what they were to what we kind of expected them today, which is like massive and the reason I bring up this history is because as the side of expectations for wedding having increased, as have our emotional expectations, it's kind of a two-way street, even if you want a small wedding, even if you want to a lope, all of us kind of think maybe I should be doing this because all of these outside sources have raised the stakes and they've raised the expectations we place not just on the marriage but on the event of the wedding as a separate thing. How we view something is is greatly dictated by what we see other people doing. This is the basis of what we know and psychology is social learning theory. So if you see everyone else spending thousands of dollars and like having elaborate cakes and floral arrangements and all of that, even if you don't necessarily want that, it still becomes established in your mind as the norm. Therefore, not having it feels like you have stepped outside of the norm and that naturally brings about a flare of maybe insecurity or a feeling that you're doing something wrong or that you might be making a mistake. Once in a lifetime mentality is definitely one element but I think our comparison to others whether we're conscious of it or not is also a massive contributor specifically to how expensive weddings can be. and how the industry around weddings has just ballooned significantly in the last 10 years. This deserves this whole separate segment of the episode. So what we're going to do, we're going to take a short break and when we return, I want to talk about the economy of weddings, why weddings often end up ruining friendships or ruining relationships, and as promised, the psychology of allotments and so much more, so stay with us. I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more and now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better and that's why I am obsessed with my whoop. 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Some spontaneous weekend escapes to the trip that you have been dreaming about to upgrading your next trip to a premium cabin experience. The miles you've earned along the way can help take you further. Access. And it unlocks access to exclusive one-of-a-kind experiences and opportunities that make membership feel rewarding long before take off and long after landing because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly, father. Earn everyday, redeem your way and access more because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you. So let me throw some numbers at you to summarize the magnitude of the wedding industry if you didn't already know. Before I tell you how much the wedding industry is worth, just have a guess for yourself. Have a number in your mind. Okay. Are you ready? The wedding industry, the global wedding industry is valued at $700 billion annually. Every single year, weddings contribute $700 billion to the economy according to a study by fortune. Pause for effect. The biggest part of that is venue and catering, followed by wedding wear, so to dress, the suit, rings, wedding planning, and then photography and videography. As a surprising statistic, this has risen by 81% in the past 10 years and the biggest uptick came about after COVID. So many couples put off getting married because their families couldn't be there. They couldn't literally do anything. And so the demand for wedding services after 2021 and 2022 literally exploded. And because the demand was too high, the prices were also high and they've kind of stayed that way for the last four years. And interesting that I was reading was that the wedding industry is actually quite recession proof. And what I mean by this is that when we look at economic data alone, people don't typically change their plans to get married, whether the economy is bad or not. They might spend a little bit less, but people will always get married. If you want a stable business, get into the wedding industry, it's always going to be profitable. Now one could say to that, like, oh, look, it's evidence that love is prevailing and that people who want to be together will find a way to be together. Economists and psychologists paint a different picture. What they say is that marriage is not just an emotional decision, it is a financial decision as well. So when the economy is going bad, it actually makes more financial sense to combine finances so that your taxes are coupled or to become a unit or to seek security in someone else. I read this really fascinating article from the University of Texas. And it pointed to something they called the wedding paradox. Weddings are becoming more prominent and extravagant whilst the social need for marriage is fading. And they can't quite figure out why it's kind of like it's going out with a bang. Really though, to return to this idea of the recession, marriage, correlation, I also think during periods of uncertainty, people want more stability, not just financially, but emotionally. So when everything in the world feels very scary, you don't know if you're going to have a job in five years or anything like that, having someone buy your side, having somebody to trust, that is a very human instinct to have that. And that's why so many people who, you know, for as many people who put off weddings and marriage because of a recession, and because they can't afford it, an equal number will choose to get married because they can't afford to not feel secure in their relationship when everything else feels like it's going downhill. Back to the reasons why that number is climbing or the number, the dollar figure for spend on weddings is increasing. I think the first thing we know by now is weddings have a specific price tag. If you say a cake is for a birthday, it's $100. If you say it's for a wedding, it's $200, even if it's the same cake. Wedding vendors, their pricing reflects the psychological expectations that people have to make this day perfect. They know that people are going to pay more and if people are going to pay more, why don't ask for more? That's the first reason why prices are rising. Second is family help is increasing. More and more people are getting assistance from their families to plan weddings, meaning that their budget's a bigger and spending is rising which bleeds into everybody's marriages or weddings. The final big one I alluded to at the beginning is social media. That is one of the big reasons why weddings are getting so expensive. Previously, we'd get a lot of inspiration from magazines, TV shows, friends. Now we get inspiration from thousands of people with, let's just say, probably much bigger budgets than we know of or that they care to admit. There was a study from 2025 that found about 20% of couples say that they feel pressure from the media to have the perfect wedding. That often leads to spending more. The things expected at a wedding also changed every year, baby. based on trends. And based on a trend that is a social media trend, so it has a much shorter timeline, meaning that the turnover and the things that are expected are happening much quicker, so budgets are being shifted a lot faster. Like any trend, I think a wedding trend follows a similar pattern. At first, we think it's a bit ridiculous, or we're kind of like, oh, that looks all right. And then the more we're exposed to it, the more it feels like absolutely imperative that we have it as well, because everybody is doing it. The rise of multiple outfits is an example of this, the rise of elaborate drappings, multiple desserts, gifts, all trends that we're kind of seeing float through to normal people. And so this really great quote from this woman who runs a yearly wedding planning summit, it's like one of the biggest ones in the world. And she said, I tell every single person who comes to me that it's important to know when to stop looking for inspiration. Wedding creep is a real thing. Your list of needs expands, so does your budget. Your level of enjoyment, however, does not always correlate with how much you are willing to spend. This is one of the most critical parts of this episode. There was a very famous study that was done at Emory University in 2014. And they wanted to measure whether how much people spend on their wedding correlated, not just to how much they enjoyed their wedding, but how successful their marriage was. So they surveyed 3,000 married people. And they found that the more people spent the higher their divorce rate. For example, couples who spent $20,000 on a wedding were one in six times more likely to get divorced compared to those who spent 10,000. And they were, I think it was like one in eight times more likely if they'd only spent $5,000. The couples who spent less than $1,000 had the lowest divorce rates. Same went for an engagement ring. The more money that was spent on a ring, the greater the divorce rate. Now, some important caveats here. This is just one study. It was done exclusively in the US, so we can't generalize it to everybody. Additionally, there may be other explanations. It may be that people who spend less money on a wedding may also have less money to get divorced. They also did not account for separations in this research. They only accounted for divorces. Some of these people could not be together, but maybe are together in terms of legalness. But it does point to a really big factor here. Money is stressful. Financial disagreements are one of the biggest reasons that people experience relationship problems. Or if a spending on a wedding going into debt, that is not a great environment to start a marriage in. In fact, a study conducted by one of the biggest banks in the UK, Barclays Bank, found that 10% of couples break up when planning a wedding over money. And couples have, on average, nine money-related arguments during this period. This is something about the psychology of weddings. I think deserves more attention. I do not see people speak about enough. The emotional pressure put on couples to have the best day of their life. But be, make sure other people have one of the best days of their life. And there was so much pressure to make everybody else happy. And that inevitably detracts from the experience that they're having, meaning that they're going to enter their marriage from a place of tension. Entering a marriage is one of the most profound identity transformations that we may experience in our lifetime if we get married. You could be with this person for decades. You could have been cohabitating before. You could have been with this person since you were a teenager. But people in this research talk about this shift, getting married shifts something in us legally, socially, culturally, because we now recognize there was another level of being bound to this other person. There was this paper from 2019, published in the Journal of Developmental Psychology. It looked at 340 newlyweds. And it found getting married actually changes your personality and that changes the external relationships you have with people as well. So going through that, your personality is changing, your relationships are changing, and you're also recovering from the stress, the financial stress of a wedding. And you're trying to form this new different form of your relationship can be very stressful. This raises a very critical question. One that I've kind of been asking myself, how much of a wedding is really for other people and not for the couple? I mentioned this very early on, but a big aspect of weddings and why we have weddings is the communal and social element. You literally can't get married unless somebody else is in the room. We are declaring our love for somebody in front of all these people and we're promising to love them forever and it's very romantic. But more than that, it's a social ritual that is performed for others. It's performed for our parents, it's performed for our friends, it's performed for our community. How many couples do you know say, you know, we didn't even have any cake like we didn't even enjoy, I don't even know what the music the DJ played like I barely touched the food and yet they paid all this money for it. But more than that, how many couples make compromises in the interest of like keeping their families happy, keeping up traditions that their families believe in, inviting people they don't like to keep the peace or spending the majority of their wedding, like they're just greeting people and saying hi to people and not actually enjoying themselves. I would say the majority of people make compromises in this way when they get married. We have a wedding for us, but we also have a wedding for our community and we also have a wedding at times for the appearance. Is that a bad thing? Is doing things for a for appearance is bad. I don't personally think so. I think we're social creatures. I think weddings are a reflection of like the social roles and traditions that make us human and I think that's beautiful and they're fun. But I think people are more and more drawn to something that feels like it has less frills. I think these days I was saying this to a friend, weddings kind of go in two ways. I feel like they're either extremely extravagant or they're extremely low key. I very rarely see like a wedding in the middle. This is a great way of pivoting to allotments, the psychology of allotments. Historically allotments were very controversial, I would say, just to add more history into this. You didn't really get, like you didn't allope unless something was wrong. So you were pregnant, your parents didn't approve, you were marrying outside of your religion, you didn't have a dowry, God forbid. Nowadays, like the stigma is much, much less. I think, I don't know if this is crazy to say, but if I hear that somebody has aloved, I am honestly like, you guys must really love each other. Like I hear that somebody is aloved over had like a massive wedding. I don't know, I'm not judging, but I'm kind of like, you guys must really be into each other. Like it's a power move. It's a power move to say that you've aloved and I looked into the research on whether allotments correlated to a marriage's success. Like to matching that trend that we saw from that Emory University paper, to spending zero dollars, mean that you're going to be married forever. I didn't find an answer, but what I did find was all this research that choosing to aloved might actually reflect a greater desire to separate one's identity from that of their family. And it's also as much of, it's an emotional act, it's symbolic one of like, we are starting a fresh just us. It sends this message of like, we are making choices as a couple. There's a separation from the family, there's a separation from the friends. And it's really like we are doing this based on our own terms. So when people aloved, they're a portfolio less performance anxiety, less stress, they spend less money, obviously. But there is also this interesting downside, which is guilt. People still feel a bit guilty for maybe not giving their family and friends what they what they'd expected, even if they are ultimately happy with their decision. This is, I think, the core of why weddings become tricky. Every single person has different expectations. The people getting married, the parents, the family members, the friends. And sometimes those expectations contradict, meaning someone has let down and we just kind of hope it's not the bride and groom or brides and grooms. We just kind of hope it's not the people getting married. What I'm kind of realizing is that it's very rare to go through wedding planning as a couple unscathed. And one area where I think this is particularly evident is with friends. And this may seem like a weird pivot. But something that I have noticed time and time again is how many people lose friends when they are planning a wedding and when they are getting married. And I want to talk about it after this short break. 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I would say I've had three separate stories from friends about a wedding getting in the way of one of their friendships, sometimes like losing friendships, like losing them. They're done. I think the expectations we have for weddings, as I said, creates room for resentment. People resent on both sides. The couple resent that their friends don't show up for them the way that they want them to on their one big day. Friends, bridesmaids, groomsmen, like they resent how much of wedding cost them or requires of them. People resent not being given an expected role in the wedding party. Couples resent people's behavior at a wedding and how it takes away from them on their big day. I don't know if you remember this. There was this trend a couple of years ago that was like, how many of my bride or party am I still friends with? And they would show, it was messy. They would show literal pictures of them like with their faces blurred out, but still. And then they would reveal like how many are my still friends with it would be like one in five every single time. I have a few theories as to why this is about why specifically weddings cause so much friction with friends. The first is again, money. Money gets in the way. The first wedding you go to is really, really exciting. And then after the fifth or the sixth, you are excited, but also you're kind of dreading the expense. Weddings are expensive for the bride and groom or the couple. They are also expensive for guests as well. There is the outfit, there is transportation, there is maybe even accommodation. That destination wedding, that's a whole other kettle of fish. Are you gonna pay to go to Europe to see your friends get married? And I think the other thing is that the majority people get married in their 30s and 20s. When people's finances just aren't as secure, and you feel really obligated to attend, but then you also feel resentful, perhaps that you've had to spend the money for something that you only felt obligated to go to. And then the couple is probably like, well, if you didn't want to come, just don't come, but then that in itself creates this argument that's meant to be their special day. And then people just, it just still gets very messy. The couple like, I think rightfully so, expects people to make certain compromises or sacrifices. I think we should, I love weddings. I'm like, yeah, let's go. That's their one day. They only get one wedding, hopefully. So I understand their perspective. But as a guest, let's be real. You'll probably go to quite a few weddings. So it doesn't feel as significant. And you're probably making that same compromise that somebody is asking for you to make for them. Just once again and again and again for all your friends who are getting married. And what if you have no plans to get married yourself? Like that can feel a little bit unbalanced to say the least. We know from social psychology research that friendships tend to feel their best and healthiest when there is a rough sense of reciprocity over time. Weddings can suddenly just throw that out of balance. You know, I spent $2,000 on your destination wedding, but would you do the same for me? Are you gonna do the same for me? You know, I've celebrated your engagement. I've celebrated your hando, your bachelor party, then your wedding, but I'm single. And I might never get married. So is there an equivalent when you can celebrate me and would you put an effort to that? I think it can expose this imbalance and it can really make people feel quite unappreciated. And sometimes when you're getting married, you just don't have time to focus on that. That's part one. But I actually think weddings cause us to question our friendships more than the romantic relationship with the person that we are marrying. We're gonna have these memories for life. We're gonna have these pictures on the walls of our house. So it really puts into perspective, like, do I want this person here? Does this person matter enough to me to be in my bridal party or to be in my wedding? A friend of mine recently thought for sure. She was like, I'm definitely gonna be in my friend's wedding party and then she was never asked. And this person had five bridesmaids. My friend wasn't one of them. They have been friends for years and she was like, I thought this person was one of my closest friends and she has five people who are more close to her than I am. And it completely changed how she saw the relationship because she realized she saw the bond one way and her friends saw it way differently. So I think weddings do this thing where yeah, they change the relationship between the people getting married. They change all your other relationships as well. I will say that doesn't always happen, but the aftermath of when it does, it is not always pretty. Like you do lose friendships. Like getting married, like it's temporary changing the normal hierarchy of a friendship where people are meant to be mutually equal. For one day, like the relationship is not equal. One person does matter more. They're getting married. One person gets more attention. And some people can't handle that. It really reveals who does not like when the spotlight isn't on them and the competitiveness and the insecurity, dare I say the narcissism. Like you see these videos of people doing insane things at weddings, completely stealing the spotlight. And I think that reveals a lot about their character and a lot about the relationship. Most healthy friendships can tolerate a temporary imbalance for something like a wedding. In fact, I think a healthy friendship, being a good friend would mean you would really enjoy it. It's a beautiful thing seeing somebody you love, marry somebody they love. But it can expose those dynamics that have already been sitting underneath the friendship, which are jealousy, resentment, competitiveness, or an inability to let somebody else occupy a center stage, even for their big day. Finally, my final reason, way I think friendships might feel fractured in the aftermath of a wedding is because of that inherent role transition. We've been speaking about this entire episode, right? Your friend is going through this huge thing. You're maybe not going through it at the same time. We might not think it, but yeah, getting married does cause you to behave differently. Then you did as a person who just had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner who was just dating somebody. It feels more serious, culturally and socially and psychologically. And so the difference between you and your friends in life paths or life stages can cause friction. Like, you know, why aren't you showing up for me as much? Why aren't we doing the things that we used to do? Why have you changed? Why do you only want to hang out with them? And each person kind of expects the other to have sympathy for their circumstances, but they just, they're so far removed, they just can't. The friendship isn't the same anymore because the people in it aren't the same anymore. They've changed. They've evolved. I think the wedding just makes it obvious. Sadly, like the marriage and the wedding just puts that into perspective that where we are at in life is different. So I want to know if this has happened to you. I really do. Has a wedding ruined or changed a friendship for you? DM me, leave a comment down below if you are listening on Spotify. So from all my research on the psychology of weddings, here is what I gathered. I know my outfit is confusing. I'm not getting married anytime soon. Do you not get it confused? I know it. It looks like it says bright. It doesn't. It says team bright. But this is what I've learned. This is what I'm going to take away from this episode. Number one, we need to put a whole lot less pressure on our wedding to be the best day of our life. I know that's so cliche, but it's true. It will hopefully be a great day. And there will also be other great days. And if you don't get married, it's not like you've missed out on the best thing ever to happen to you. I think we also need something to look forward to that has nothing to do with marriage, a relationship or a wedding. Otherwise, experiencing a wedding might actually be like the most amazing thing. And then what do you kind of left with? Everything is tied up in a relationship to another person. People say, well, you know the day that my kid was born or all these things, it's like, no, you need to have things to look forward to, especially if you're planning a wedding that you are still excited about when the wedding is done. Secondly, keep your expectations in check for how important your wedding is for other people. And that goes in both directions. Some people are going to value your wedding and want more from your wedding than you probably are, like your family and your parents. So make sure you're clear on your own vision. And then some people are just not going to care as much as you will. Your friends, you know, people, extended family members, they just might not care. And that is why you got to make all decisions from a very deep and true place. What do you want to do? How do you want to feel on this day? However, anybody else feels it's quite frankly like none of your business because if they're not getting married, like they can do that at their wedding. And if they've already had their wedding, it's a bad luck. So be it. You had your chance. Everybody gets this day. Like, well, not everybody, but you know, if you are having this day and it's something that you're really excited by, let it be your milestone. I also think what I've realized is in five of a plan of wedding, keep it smaller than you think it needs to be like keep the expenses down. I was talking to Tom about this and I was like, I've read all this research and guess what we are for sure, having a budget wedding. And if we cannot stick to a budget, we are alerting like there is no way we are spending the amount. But I don't know. I feel like people say that and then they're like, oh, 20 grand. So I don't know. We'll see. Is it a jinx to talk about like your relationship as if you're getting married when you're not engaged yet? I don't know. But I was just sharing this with him and I was like, we are not spending that much money because I've read the stats. I will say though, I'm just one person I've never been married. I'm again, not planning a wedding. I'm hoping the research just speaks for itself. But there may be an experience that you've had with your wedding where you did spend 50 K and you were like, I had the best fricking time. Or maybe you had the best day of no wedding. And it was like, I didn't have any friendship full outs. I have everything in the world that I needed from that moment. I want to hear those happy stories as well. But I do think the psychology around this is so interesting. And it's so fascinating that moments like this reveal so much about our deep impulses as humans, our deep impulse to dream and to fantasize and to love and to put a lot of pressure on other people and on ourselves. So I hope you enjoyed the episode. It was very, very fun to make. I'm so glad I got to dress up. My little tiara, this definitely needs an iron. I want to want to, maybe I'll have to use this for like my Halloween costume. I don't want this to go to waste. I think this episode is literally coming out around Halloween. So you guys might see this costume on my Instagram before you see it on an episode. But again, leave a comment down below. Have you lost a friendship because of a wedding? Either your wedding or a wedding that you've been in. What are some positive wedding stories? Make sure that you check out an episode on Netflix if you haven't already. And you can see what I'm talking about with my little outfit. You can also follow us on Instagram. You can read a version of this on sub-stack. And there will be some further research including some of the studies we spoke about today in the description below. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. I am such a data person, which is why I love whoop because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused, whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns. New members can try a whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. All of their stuff just looks good on. And it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing parents, discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at Gymshark.com. Success starts with your drive. An American public university is here to fuel it. 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