The Pressure to Perform

[Music] Hello to all of the beautiful people listening to the second episode of a dose of days. I just want to take the time and thank everyone and pour out my gratitude to those who listened to the first episode and all the feedback that was given. You know, stepping out of your comfort zone is such a hard thing to do and I can't lie, was nervous, but I'm really happy I did. You know, I just want to make sure that I express how truly loved I felt and so really thank you and I don't even know if thank you does justice to how I'm feeling but it's only I can think of right now. So thank you. Someone asked me what my purpose for this was long term and they were encouraging me to make an Instagram to advertise and I don't know maybe one day in the future I will if I feel led to but honestly my intention with this is not to make this into something that makes me feel like I need to perform or to make this into an elaborate project. I don't even have a time schedule set for when I'll release because law school is awful and so weeks are really hard for me but I really just wanted to do this so if people want to listen or like listening it's really a bonus but this is just an outlet for me to express my thoughts and my feelings in a creative way and you know I want to be relatable but also staying true to myself. So if me sharing silly moments in my creative and chaotic life helps others then so be it but it's really for me and my mom also told me that if I could talk to a bird I would and I really just had to laugh because regardless I will talk I just hope if others are listening but they feel better than they than they felt before they listened and after reflecting on my last episode I've been blasting the song Messy by Lola Young. If you know that song it is a great great great song but the part that I really like is cut me some slack who do you want me to be and I'm too perfect till I open my big mouth I want to be me is that not allowed and if you can tell my voice is a little off because I've just been singing and dancing so much but this song is so relatable for me because I always struggle with questioning if I'm doing too much or if I'm not enough and I think it really stems from this pressure to perform for others like I'm some circus animal in the zoo being watched and I know it sounds really funny but I want to get into this today so you know what's coming the crack of a fresh and crisp coke zero wow that never gets old if you don't know this about me my favorite favorite drink is Coke zero my favorite drink drink is going to be Coke zero rum and lime orange and intonic and so just wanted to share that but I'm also gonna be transparent and let you guys know the last two three weeks have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me y'all I shoveled snow for the first time since I've lived up here in Boston I experienced my first snow storm and honestly it was such a beautiful experience I was outside with my beautiful an amazing roommate and we were shoveling to the song I'm like a bird and I just realized music is such an outlive for me like I was saying earlier singing and dancing it's so fun for me and I love singing to songs and I don't even care if it's cringy you know the other day I was feeling super emo I don't even know why law school does that to you but I was just emo and I started singing some worship music in a study room because it really does help crown me and my friend was in the study room next to me and she texted me are you whaling and I had to laugh because well yeah yeah I was I was singing and I had to shut up because there was on the seventh floor of the library and that's like super quiet one and if she could hear me through the walls I know other people heard me but I really is just an outlet for me and like I said these last couple weeks have been hard and my roommate and I threw the storm we ran in the rain and we laughed I mean watch lots of Game of Thrones and we just had such good conversation about healing and loneliness and conformity and performance and never feeling chosen in certain relationships I think the snowstorm was metaphorical to the storm that was brewing in my life the last couple weeks this semester of law school and really the first month of the year I have not been the smoothest for me I've been dealing with this idea that not every environment allows me to show up as my most authentic self and I really had to come to the realization that I require a certain level of depth in my interpersonal relationships that some people just can't handle I actually think small talk and superficial relationships are afraid of me because I genuinely am curious how people are and how the world works and I'm not afraid to have hard conversations but what I've also had to realize through this is that some people are just not where you are some people are not capable of meeting you where you are and it's not an age thing I think it's really a healing and a maturity thing that has been really hard for me to deal with the last couple of weeks as I began to navigate law school I came in and I will say I was a bit naive I really thought everyone had good intentions but there's this song called bowling for soup or excuse me it's by bowling for soup called high school never ends and I will say that's generally applicable to all areas of life but especially in in my area I've been now law school and last semester I was super open and excited but as the semester continued I really found my energy was almost being sucked up and used by so many people whether it was the question who I am my grades my sincerity my personality it was like there was a microscope under the lens of who Daisy is and I love being open and love supporting people and spreading love and doing well in school but something one of the deans told me was that not everyone deserves access to you and then after speaking with my therapist I told her how exhausted I was hearing things coming back to me and just trying to swallow it and turn the other cheek and she said Daisy stop performing she basically said drop the mask and to be who I am you don't need to say hi to everyone if they've been weird to you cling to the people who know you she reminded me that I don't have to be the son all the time and then I too deserve to relax I realized in this that I deserve to pick myself up to and to stop picking up everything I do something I really struggle with is this idea of trying to perform trying to be the perfect daughter the perfect leader the perfect sibling the perfect temperament the perfect student the perfect friend perfect perfect perfect it's it should be my number one word at this point but when things would happen I would internalize and try to understand what more I can do one thing I know for sure is that if you shine or if you have a big personality or you're just truly happy in your heart you'll hold up a mirror and if other people are unhappy with themselves or they're threatened by you they will do anything in their power to bring you down are they just simply won't like you and you guys that has to be okay I think for some twisted reason in my brain I feel like I can just meet these people where they are and just be extra kind and extra open and just try and pour love into them like person to person I wanted to be there but I'm obviously not a superhero for a reason because I can't save everyone and as I was examining this need to almost save people I realized I wasn't always doing this out of the goodness of my heart but I was doing it because I was trying to earn love through this and I know it sounds silly but I think like many of us we have dysfunctional relationships with ourselves our parents our partners that we feel the need to earn love and to pour into people despite knowing they don't care for us so this semester I walked in saying you know what now no is a full sentence by the way no you can't have access to my energy no I won't let these people have power over my emotions no I won't allow my status on my grades on my job position this summer determine my mood no my friendships and my parents and my ego will no longer define me and for you that might be the same things or it won't all will be I won't allow my circumstances to define me I won't allow my current emotions and my current mental space define my becoming but what is the root of this like we can all struggle with this need to perform and if you don't honestly let me talk to you because I know that I struggle with this and what is the root because it has to be something deeper so why for me I think I'm just really trying to learn to de center society and people's perception of me and shame and what my parents want and think of me and I really want to touch on this idea of de centering perception in society and something I learned is that someone in their mama is always going to have an opinion on you society will always be the voice in your ear about what you should wear how you should look how you should talk should you have kids what is success what does it look like we spend so much time inside our heads asking what do they think what are they saying do they hate me am I annoying am I too quiet am I too loud can they tell I just cried can they feel my anxiety but the thing is this society has existed across the millennia across the culture and as whispered sweet nothings about anything and everything to anyone who's willing to listen so what are you living for who are you living for what voice are you listening to and what voice decides what you think if being liked and seen by the most mediocre people who barely care for your soul is always on your mind I would recommend a social media cleanse and I'm kind of giggling but I'm being for real do not let the opinions of other people ruin your entire life or ruin the voice inside your head now I can't say I've perfected this quite yet because I was recently at a birthday dinner and I just felt this judgmental energy by someone who was in similar law school circles as me and I remember being in my head that night I remember texting my girlfriends literally asking them am I doing too much and you know they reassured me and I really hope you have friends that can show up and be there for you and I just kind of shook it off but I that feeling still lingered with me and I later heard things whispered about me in the car and you know what I did and you know what I said to this person when they found out nothing I did nothing and it sounds crazy I said nothing I simply removed them from my life removed my energy and moved on why because I don't need to worry about someone's perception of me that doesn't have my best interest some people are just immature and deeply insecure and they feel the need to fill the void in their heart with your name let them queen let them let society and some people perceive you as the villain because what now what does it mean to be the villain to people who never really cared for you your breath and your time is not worth convincing people who do not value you that you are a good person or that you were worthy but when you struggle with this need to be seen and chosen it's easy for these things to be a huge ordeal where you need people to see the entire situation and hear you until they understand but let me hold your hand when I say this they won't there's a great saying really simple by the way hurt people hurt people that's all that's the end of the story even if it pains you do not explain the way you navigate your life live your life how it makes sense to you you want to know that feeling you may be feeling when you start to question your actions your words your decisions your thoughts if you did enough for the entire conversation replaying in your head if you said the right thing shame shame a powerful feeling of humiliation and dress shame is the most effective way of keeping people small and inboxes this feeling is all too familiar for me shame for feeling too deeply shame for speaking up shame for the things I did do and shame for the ones I didn't shame for leaving shame for liking to talk shame for caring shame for liking school shame for wanting to be kind shame for knocking with 3.8 deeply wanted shame for not being enough it's so silly but somewhere long the way we all face this monster of shame the monster of being ashamed of who we are what we like how we speak who our family is but can I tell you a secret you can't reach your next step carrying the burdens of oh what if what if they don't like me what if I don't get the 3.8 what if I just care too much I encourage you and I challenge you to change this what if mindset when you find yourself questioning these things to an even if even if they don't like me I'm still loved even if I don't get the 3.8 I'm still smart and I will still get a job even if I care too much I still loved and was who I am full that as you need but please shame was never meant for you to carry and was never meant for me to carry and we can take our time carrying this shame or we can just learn to slowly let it go slowly say even if as I navigate working through this and and try and implement this even in my own life I have to continue to remind myself who cares I like to talk to people I like being emotional I like being dramatic I like being kind I don't need to fit into this box people put me in and neither do you you don't need to perform for people you need to show up for yourself you don't owe anyone a conversation or an explanation because it's your life you were made so perfectly and so uniquely and you hold such deep purpose I really do hope if there's anyone who is hurting or broken I you know God's near the broken hearted and if God's not your thing then know that there are people who will be there for you and if you don't have that I'll be there for you but please hear me when I say this please please please don't question yourself if I can leave you with something you learn behind and you don't have to pretend to have it together I don't I'm usually the first to say yep don't have it together don't even know what's going on but I'm here I literally walked around today with a red stain didn't even realize the stain my mom would be floored didn't even realize the stain was on me fly away baby hairs run around the city hey why because I don't have it together and that is okay I think because I know this and I don't expect myself to be perfect all the time or if I try not to expect myself I think I'm able to show up better for the people around me and show up better from myself in situations because I know that living authentically and being myself is the best way to fill my own cup and I'm learning to trust that I'm learning to trust myself through seasons of my becoming and through seasons of uncertainty because right now y'all if you have any law school friends keep them in your prayers it is rough out here but I'm just trying to show up as I am and then I show up as I am and you can take it or leave it but more people like y'all think to you then you probably realize the people were meant for you will never judge you and they won't care you don't have it together they will truly just care for you as you navigate through this week I really encourage you to drop the mask someone asks how you are and you're just not feeling it give them an authentic response I'm okay my kid just threw the biggest fit and I said forget it where opposite shoes or I'm bad I'm really struggling with anxiety about something or I'm actually great I just finished this book I think people appreciate authenticity more and more during these times so stop worrying about the next step you're exactly why you need to be take the deep breath and remember that you create the life you want you decide the voice you listen to and you get to create who you are [BLANK_AUDIO]