Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, valuable lessons learnt from broken resolutions, is a different take on those infamous or maybe challenging or those annoying or maybe those exciting New Year's resolutions. Have you made any? How many have you broken already? So, this is going to be a really interesting one because New Year's resolutions are, quite frankly, the highlight, really, genuinely the highlight of my year. It's something that I remember really being a tradition that I started in my mid-teens and I've got very, very fond memories of making them with my mother. Every year until I hit my 20s and then I'd moved out and then contacting her and sharing them. It was a really, I find that they're actually really valuable. Now, we're going to talk about why they might be helpful, pretty much from the fact that we know statistically so many resolutions are broken. So, a lot of people are like, what's the point? They never work anyway. More often than not, I could throw all sorts of statistics at you, but I'm not going to bother. But we generally set resolutions and quite often. They get broken and they get broken really, really quickly. So, I wanted to share with you why it's still valuable to do it and maybe to consider a little bit of a twist on how you go about doing it. Because fundamentally, I talk a lot about sort of developing children's skills in areas and that there being a skills gap. And so, the ability to set goals and then to break those goals down into small, manageable chunks, which are more manageable for us, but also more manageable for our brain, are essential when it comes to developing any skills gap and is pretty much a crucial aspect of our children's development as they become adults in the place of work, in terms of their own personal development. So, resolutions can be a really great way and a really fun introduction to this notion of goal setting. I thought I would just share with you the 10 most popular New Year's resolutions. And I wonder if any of these feature on your list. The first is to exercise more. The second is to lose weight. The third is to improve your diet, eat more healthily. The fourth are often financial goals, whatever those might be, have more money, save up for a house, put a bit more stash away for a rainy day. And number five is often to reduce stress and overwhelm. The sixth, enhance emotional well-being. Number seven, make more time for hobbies, for the things that we love. Eight, improve our relationships. Nine, improve our career goals. And number 10, to meditate regularly or to take up mindfulness. So, those have been pretty much, pretty static. When you look at the sort of the data, they're pretty much hold true, those top 10. They might move around a little bit year on year, but those are often, as adults, you know, the top sort of 10 ones. And I want to just consider, first of all, why it might be helpful for children and teens to set New Year's resolutions. And I'm going to reframe it for our children and our teens. And it may well be a helpful reframe for you as an adult. You know, I still stick to this notion of setting New Year's resolutions, but I do them within a framework of instead considering them as intentional resolutions. And I think that's important. And so, the idea is that they are intentions and promises that I'm making to myself. Because remember, New Year's resolutions really are all about and should be all about us and should be all about your children if they're going to be setting them. Not what we as adults think we should be doing for other people, not what your children think that they should be doing for other people, but intentions and promises that they want to make to themselves about the way that they live their life and how they go about that. And I think when we reframe it that way, we're what then happens is we tend to then focus on the feelings and the habits that we then will need to create rather than the end goal. And what I would say is to remember, and this is for me fundamentally the valuable lesson that we learned by breaking our New Year's resolutions or New Year's intentions or New Year promises to ourselves, is fundamentally every single day that we choose to act in a creating a new habit in order to achieve a longer term goal, we fundamentally change as individuals. We are different as a result of that. And so, whether we reach that end goal or whether we don't reach that end goal, whether we fulfill that resolution to eat more healthily or to exercise more or to save more, the fact that we have made a decision, an intention that we've set ourselves a promise to behave differently. And even if we have only changed our behavior for one day, we're different. We're changed as a result of that. And that's why for me, resolutions can be so incredibly powerful, even if we don't do a very good job of them. What I want to do is help you to optimize so that you give yourself as an adult the best chance of seeing those intentions and those promises and those resolutions through, whilst also modeling. And creating an environment and a culture within your home and your family that this is something that we do regularly. And setting goals, setting intentions, setting promises, creating new habits is something we just do because that's part of the makeup and the fiber that is this family and things that we particularly value. So, it's about helping that. And end goals often, when we think about when we set resolutions, they often feel far too big and far too full. And so, I think that's far away for children and teens to engage with. Whereas an intention or a promise is more about ways of approaching day-to-day life, which might then impact the achievement of the end goal. So, it's that snowball effect. Rather than, I don't know, a child that might want to be able to play a particular musical instrument, may want to be able to get selected for a play. Anything that they may choose to do, they might want to do. And so, I think that's part of the makeup and the goals to do. The goal itself may feel too big, but if we set an intention, we break it down into something that's much more manageable. So, let's just talk about what are the five reasons why it would be helpful for our children and teens to set intentions and promises. And then I'm going to help you with how you might go about that. So, the first one is that it just generally nurtures a habit of success. You know, I would like to strive to be better than I am. I am looking to increase my capability, to increase my skill set, to increase my personal growth. And so, talking to our children regularly about that and helping them consider what are the things that may help them set themselves up for success in areas that are important to them. And I would really emphasize this. When we're talking about resolutions, when we're talking about promises, when we're talking about intentions, if we want to be better than we are, we need to our children engaged. If we want our children to own these new intentions, if we want them to really run with this, then we have to step away from a, you know, wanting them to put that they're going to do their homework on time, that they're going to keep their bedroom tidy, that they're going to volunteer or whatever it might be that we would love them to do, because that's not a promise or an intention that your child is likely to want to set. And yet, the skills required to be more motivated, to keep their bedroom tidy, to, you know, volunteer or to do difficult things can be achieved in exactly the same way if we just simply step back and allow our children to consider what are the promises and resolutions and intentions that they want to set that matter to them, because these are all transferable skills. So, that first one is we nurture this habit of success because they then track their progress. Number two is it builds confidence. Confidence is predicated on this belief that they are capable. You know, I as an individual, I'm capable of doing hard things. I'm capable of setting a goal. I'm capable of mapping out the steps in terms of achieving that goal, what that might look like. I'm capable of celebrating those wins. I'm capable of reflecting back when things don't quite go according to plan and potentially refining my strategy, refining, my milestones, the stepping stones to help achieve that. And of course, that boosts confidence. And confidence in one area of our children's lives over time then begins to filter through into other areas because they then feel that they're capable and that they have that agency to act on their goals, their dreams, their aspirations. So, it builds confidence. The third thing it does is it creates the growth mindset that we spoken about so often, you probably hear about it even in in your place of employment. But we talk about growth mindset a lot around resilience, around grit, around our children digging deep when they need to. And that growth mindset is that understanding that it's the process that we ought to focus in on rather than the end result, that we can achieve anything that we want to because our brain is this incredible muscle. And the more we exercise it in whichever way we want to exercise it for whichever goal we want to achieve is that the more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. And part of that exercise process is that sometimes we'll exercise it in a way and we don't get the outcome that we want to on that day, but we trust in the process. We trust in knowing that if I keep doing the right things over time, things will become easier. I'll build that capability and that competence, but it's the process that we focus in on rather than the end result. And when we talk about our goals, when we talk about our intentions, and when we talk about our promises, we don't talk about them from the perspective of have you achieved them? Can we now tick them off? But we talk about what have we learned along the way? What's gone well? What hasn't gone well? How might we change and refine it? That builds that growth mindset. When we set a goal and we, you know, as parents, we're then trying to praise the process, but we're constantly reviewing the outcome, the output bit, the result, then we're sending mixed messages. We're saying on one hand that actually it's all about the process, but all the discussion that we have when we reflect on things is all about the end result. So when we really keep our intentions and our promises and our resolutions focused around the process and the journey, it's where we build this incredible growth mindset, which in itself then builds confidence, which then builds this notion of capability and agency that I, as an individual, regardless of how scary a goal may be, whatever challenge comes my way, I know within me, I can work out how to go about it. So number three is it creates this growth mindset. And number four is it's empowering. When we set goals and we set intentions, it's empowering because it teaches us how to do it. And number five is it's empowering because it teaches us how to do it. And number six is it's empowering because it teaches us how to do it. And number six is it's empowering because it teaches children and our teens that they have agency, that they have got autonomy, and that they have power over their lives, which is why it is so important that those intentions, that those promises, that those resolutions, whatever term you use, goals, come from your child, because they don't have autonomy and agency and the power to change their lives if we are the ones that are saying to them, this is the goal that you need to have. We can have conversations around encouraging our children and filling skills gaps, but if we really want a goal, an intention, or a promise, or a new habit to form, there needs to be a very clear hook for our children as to what's in it for them. So it drives, that's what drives them forward. In the same way as it is for us as adults, you think about all of the top 10 resolutions I've just spoken about that lots of people set every year and then they don't see them through. And that's often because they haven't yet found the driver, the sweet spot, being able to then relate that back to them as individuals about why that then becomes such an important thing to them and what's in it for them and what will happen as a result to them of working on that particular promise, resolution, or intention. So number four is about empowering. It empowers. And number five, the fifth one here, is that it builds great communication within your family and it can be an incredibly bonding ritual for the family as a whole because you're having regular conversations about things that matter. They're not superficial. They're really deep and meaningful. This is a promise that I'm setting myself. This is a real intention that I have to make changes in my life. This is a goal that I'm working towards so that you could, the conversations can then be, very personalized and they cover the whole range. They cover emotions in terms of the elation and also the disappointment and the frustration that we feel sometimes when the path that we set, the stepping stones that were the micro goals that we've set are not necessarily working out as we'd planned, but it gives us that real substance of that conversation. And when our whole family are setting themselves promises and intentions, regardless of whether they've basically don't work out within the first week or that they get broken, but just that conversation gives us some really deep and meaningful connection that we can have and then builds that incredible bond that we can then have as a family. So hopefully I have now persuaded you that this is a worthwhile endeavor and something that you, you know, are committed to at least having a conversation with your children about it. So how do we then help children, set intentions? So this is, these are my suggestions. So the first one is maybe start with a bit of an imagination game. Imagine you are dot, dot, dot. Yeah. So imagine you are able to play the piano. Imagine you are confident to go up to anyone in the playground and say, can I join in with your game? Imagine that you are someone, who keeps their bedroom tidy. Imagine that you are someone who feels brave enough to put themselves forward for something where there's a selection process. So we're really leaving it super, super open to imagine you are. And then use language when our children then maybe pick something that's really important to them. Really encourage them to get super, super vivid with that. So what are you doing? What might you be saying? What might you be wearing? You really want them to connect to that version of themselves, that scenario that they find themselves in, so that they can really get that feeling of what it might be like to be able to go up to somebody at break time and say, can I join in your game? Or to not be overwhelmed at bedtime and be able to go to sleep. Or to be able to notice that worries come and go through their mind, but those worries they're able to then talk themselves into. And that can be really powerful because we're not saying you need to do X, Y, and Z. Instead, we're simply saying, imagine if you could be. Imagine yourself in that situation. What would it feel like? Talk to me about how that feels like. What are some of the things that you'd be feeling and that you might be saying as a result of that? And when we get into that really immersive state, when we encourage our children to just almost daydream, that potential scenario, it can be really powerful because they then get a huge amount of insight as to why is this really important to me? And equally, why is this not important to me? Maybe I've said that this is a promise I want to make to myself, an intention and a resolution. But when we really ask our children to delve deep into that, they don't actually have that connection with it. It doesn't matter to them in the same way. And then they're able to maybe consider something else that they've been doing. So the first one is start the imagination game. And number two expands on that is get really into the feels. Imagine how that might feel when you have regularly practiced that intention or that promise, or you've reached that stepping stone, that first stepping stone. How would that feel? And then getting ready for the next stepping stone, really encouraging them to make that connection because our brain really operates from emotions. We know that memories that have a high emotional attachment to, so there's emotions that are attached to that particular memory are much more likely to be recalled and remembered, whether it's a great emotion or whether it's not such a great emotion. So when our children can really tap into that feeling, when we're asking them to visualize and imagine it, so we're tapping into the visual part of the brain, which is really powerful. And then we are kind of like double whammying it by getting them to connect to the feeling. Get onto a really great thing, because then if our children can see, this is what's in it for me. This is how I will feel as I'm working towards these steps rather than how I'm feeling at the moment. And that's what I want. And that's visualizing myself in that scenario. So start with the imagination game and then get really into those feels. And then number three is get super clear and help them to become super clear on what becoming X, someone who was able to go into a place where they were not. And that's what I ask anyone to play with them. Someone who's able to audition, someone who's able to notice that they they're having a worry in their brain, but they're able to bat it away. What we want to get super clear is on what becoming X might mean and look like on a daily basis. So again, we're going deeper. We're getting them to really make that connection. And I find it's really helpful to focus on the regular day to day. Yeah. For example, what might a confident George do at bedtime? Yeah. What might a brave Sophie say to a friend who wasn't being kind? So really getting them to make that connection. And these can be great because we could be putting the answers on post-it notes. We can put them on big visual boards. We can stick them in places. We can do drawings. We can write specific words. We want our children to make that connection of rather than it being this theory, this sort of thing that we talk about, I want to be more confident. A lot of us want to be more confident ourselves. As adults, but we have those conversations with our children about our children being more confident. But what does confident look like on a day to day basis? And what does it look like for your child? What's important to them? What's confidence to them? Because confidence is all relative to us. And remember, it's an inside job. Confidence doesn't come from us telling our children how incredible that they are and praising them. Confidence has to come from within. We cannot gift confidence to them. We cannot gift confidence to a child. It is something that is, that is like a flame that flickers that they have to kind of take care of. And it is experiential. They get and grow more confidence from exposure to difficult things and difficult things that don't have to be successful, but difficult things that they have survived, that it hasn't all gone horribly wrong as they expected, that they were able to do that and come out the other side. So really getting super clear on what that becoming might look like on a day to day basis so they can identify with that. And also it means they can then celebrate when they achieve those things because they've got a very clear indication of what success looks like, what success feels like. So that is number three. Number one, we're starting the imagination game. Number two, we're getting really into the feels. And number three, we're getting super clear on what becoming, whatever that is, becoming them looks like. Number four is, I talk a lot about this idea about service. And if you have listened to the podcast, the episode that we did on charms, where it's a daily route, sort of some daily tasks that our children can do in school holidays, in extended periods of time when there's no structure to their day to day. S always stands for service and service is about being intentional in wanting to do something for someone else with no structure. And I think that's a really important thing. No sense of reward, no exchange. If you do X, you will get Y, but just simply understanding that when we serve others, that that builds our self-confidence, but it also builds this notion that the world within which we live in is positively impacted by the fact that we are present within it. And that builds community, that builds confidence, that builds a sense of gratitude, empowerment. And as I say, this feeling and understanding that the world is much bigger than just our family. And I love this one, particularly as I'm keen to bring back personally, a sense of community. I think it's something that young people often, a recent survey looked at this and young people feel that they don't have this sense of belonging. It's a real big piece that is missing from their lives. And when we sort of put the focus and the lens on and shine a light on this sense of how might we do service to other people and service, it doesn't have to be anything grand, but it may well be picking up a bit of litter as you're going towards the bus stop because it's just on the floor and you are able to do that because that's doing service to your community. Whether that's opening a door for someone who's carrying a lot and that service, whether it's popping over to your next door neighbor to check that they're all right, whether that's visiting a grandparent, it's just being super intentional, whether that's actually intentionally playing with your annoying younger sibling, because you know that they really want someone to play a particular game with them. It's just having that mindset. And so I would encourage when our children look to set intentions or promises or goals or new year's resolutions, that we encourage them to think about a sense of service and intention around being more intentional and intention. That encourages them to think, I am going to be more mindful of how I may be able to serve my community. I'm going to be more mindful of how I may be of service to people on a more regular basis. So I would encourage you just to consider that one. I think that's a really great one. And as we know, children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So that would be something that I would encourage you, even if you feel actually, I'm going to model it rather than necessarily asking my children to set that as an intention, then that is absolutely great. It's that quiet work that happens when we model to our children exactly what we would like them to be able to do. So that's number four. And number five is creating a habit to reflect so that your child or teen is able to review their progress, what worked, what didn't work. How far am I towards my intention? Is it something that I've set as an intention, or a promise or a resolution or a goal that actually is not something that really matters to me? And the reason why I don't seem to be making any progress is because I think I've put that down because I think that's what I think you as my parents want me to do, but it doesn't really, isn't something I really truly connect with. I haven't been able to play the imagination game particularly well. I haven't been able to get into the fields. I haven't been able to be super clear on what becoming X would look like. And therefore I've reflected on it. And that might be one of the reasons why. And so I'm going to sit with that for a bit and think of something else. But that process of reflection is a really great practice for us to get into as adults, but also really helpful for our children because it's that whole, they can reflect on some action that they've taken and then they can problem solve. Did it work? Did it not work? What might I do differently? So it's a really great habit and we can build in as part of that a practice of gratitude. And that all helps connect that together so that we give our children and our teens a much better chance of them working and striving towards building their capability in whatever matters to them. So I hope that you will take up my challenge. I hope that you will find time to make some resolutions, to set some intentions and some promises because there are valuable lessons that you will learn even from those broken resolutions. And do write in and let me know which resolutions you have set. And I will keep you posted with mine. They're a work in progress. So I shall let you know. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, if you are a regular listener, then thank you. If you have rated and reviewed the podcast, then thank you very much. But if you have not yet done so, why don't you just take a moment to give us a rating out of five and to maybe write a sentence. about why you find the podcast helpful so that others can find us and we can share the love. So until next time. Bye.
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