The Pilot Episode

Mom, you're being filmed live on a podcast. Not live. It's not a podcast. We've rigged Dave's entire home. He can't even sell this place. It looks like a construction zone. So it's just going to open with you on the toilet? It doesn't have to open that way. Why are you sitting in a certain way to try to make yourself look better? This is how I pee. I'm not trying to make myself look better. Zach, you're ridiculous. Sit how you normally sit. It hasn't started yet. It has. Why aren't we starting? No. Oh, my God. Guys, let's take a step back for a moment. We're not going to jump into a foundational part. Let's talk about what we're even doing. Okay. Like this second? Like, you know, this is the first time we've ever done this. The purpose of today is to understand what is what, how this thing works. I'm not calling it a podcast. Look, that thing's falling off the wall. The house is falling apart. Yeah, it's because things are taped up because, you know. We haven't made final decisions. Yeah, you're going to have to drill into the wall. What's the rules for gas? Oh. Oh, please. Do whatever you want. Okay, the whole goal here, this entire home is just to- Wait, see if you guys can pick this up. I was going to pick up. I like that. That was just a little- It was a little squeak. Like a little- The whole goal. Zach, I didn't realize you were going to be the dictator today. All right. Why don't you sit down and just relax? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just talk about- Let's just pretend that we're hanging out like we normally do. You never even hang out anymore. I was going to say, that's the goal. Are we going to have to pretend? No. No, just sit down and let's just hang out. Do you think anyone will like it? Sure. Why do people- Actually, yes, I do. To be honest, I really think that we're living in a time, fortunately or unfortunately, that if friends or Seinfeld came out and impacted society to the fullest extent, it would actually be better served to be in this multimedia new format. Notice how I'm not calling it a podcast. Sure, the audio- Shut up. Should we talk about some vulnerable- Wait, does anyone even listen to podcasts? Not a podcast. We'll have to figure out a different word because I don't want to- It's not a podcast. It's so much more than a podcast. I really believe that- Why don't you just speak directly to the cameras? I'm not speaking to the cameras. And just tell everybody what it is. There's not even a word for what it is. I mean, sure, it's a lot of different- Where are you going? I'm getting my laptop. I just want to be kind of on task. I know that we wanted to hang out. What's he talking about tasks? This is how Dave's anxiety manifests. I'm having the time of my life. Wait, I just want to- Okay, you want to tell me about the tasks? Dave- I think people are going to call it a podcast. Are you reading from a script? Are you reading? No. If it were up to me, by the way- Get through the stuff so we can have fun. Okay, should I not even do this? No, no, do it. Just tell us. I can't wait to hear the next one. Okay, so when people consume podcasts, they usually watch the clips online and they're really kind of stocky and boring and there's a microphone sitting there and the frame sucks. I don't want it to be- Now, if it was up to me, if we were really going to reinvent it the way that I wish I could, everything would look like the zone of interest. It would look like, I guess it's a Holocaust movie, but an A24- You want us- Because that movie was shot with cameras rigged in a house and it looks so- But I don't know that it would really travel online well because on a consumption standpoint- I'm like zoning out. I'm in the zone of disinterest right now. I'm like, I can't even follow what you're saying. Well, that leads me into my next point. We've all heard the word multimedia or pronounced multimedia. Chuck, enough. Enough. It's so boring. We just don't want to get in the weeds. I want to have fun and chit-chat and- No one wants to hear like a podcast about a podcast. How would you start it off? You're a beautiful girl. I have an idea. What? You want me to tell you guys? Yeah. No, I just want to imagine it. Well, you should imagine it while I tell it to you. Okay. And then we can try it. Let me imagine. Okay, eyes closed. All right. Here's what I think we should do. Okay. I think we should start upstairs. Okay. And you just hear the audio of us upstairs, and then we see shots of like the set so that like everyone's like, what is this? What are we doing? What are they going to do? Is this a podcast? Is this a live stream? Is this a- Are they going to know what it is? They clicked on it? No, I don't think that means they know what it is. I don't even know what it is. But not showing the set in a way that's breaking the fourth wall. Are we acknowledging that we've had this conversation? Yeah, of course. The whole point of this thing is to just exist. Why don't we have to walk downstairs together? That's the only thing we can do. That's the only thing I care about. We can't all walk down- I think it's a cute- Okay, this is your version. We might film another version. I think it's cute to do this. Okay, so we're all walking down together. Are we going to have to do this every time? So what do you mean every time? Anyways, can I get you something to drink? You thirsty? No, every time we make a podcast, are we going to have to come down and- We can just talk naturally. Definitely would stop calling it that. Here's my way. We're in. Okay. Hey. Hey? Why'd you say hey? Okay, let me start again. To me, just be yourself. Be true to the reality of the moment of life that you're living in. I might come with a new personality. Now is the time. What do you think I should be like? I think you should be really intellectual. Isn't that what I already am? It is. No, it's not. It's not? I think being anything other than your truest self- I think you should be a political type person. Who do you think I am? Man, I think you're a dick and fart man with a lot of talent, a big heart. Yeah. I think you're really funny, probably the funniest guy I ever met. Kristen's the funniest person I ever met. Kristen, this is your- But no, you don't need to change your personality because- Just be yourself and we're over-acknowledging everything. Kristen, this is like your entrance to the world, what's your personality going to be? Oh, I'm not going down. I don't know yet. Did you just malfunction? I'm not going down that path. I don't know. No, but what do you think you'll be? She's been in the world. She's just not public on Instagram. I can't handle the pressure. You think- If it becomes too pressure-y, I'll fold. Right. So there's no pressure whatsoever. People just exist. They act like themselves. The whole point of this is to just hang out, right? Yeah. And we all hang out and have fun together, so I don't know why we're overthinking hanging out. Truly. My favorite times in life are when I just sit around and hang out with both of you. Should we start again? Yeah. No. I think we should start- I think we should start again. I think we should start one more time. Okay. What is broken about what's currently happening? I don't know. It just feels a little too uptight. I said something- Yeah, it feels a little too uptight. I think it's because of you. It's not because of me. It's because of you and the- sometimes I'm cut off. I'm playing third wheel a little bit. No, I'm playing third wheel. You guys are in a relationship. We're married. We're not married. Yeah, but you guys are best friends. And it's like, women will relate to what it's like to hang out with your husband and their best friend. It's a different world. Woo! And you know what I've realized? Oh, that's good. A crisp one. That- Men and women are different. Wow. You got some good chompers. I love 'em. Her- she's- If anyone one time looked at me, you did this so since- this was like two or three years ago, I was talking, you looked at me and you go, "You have the biggest teeth." No, but they're really good. They're like perfect teeth. Oh, yeah. Like, and they're so white. Like- The dentist in our town, he had a trademark smile. Chuck, our teeth- Orthodontist. Are just different shades of like- My teeth look nothing like your teeth. Your teeth are just like- like all the parts on your body, everything is like a different shade of like green. What? Both of you smile. I have terrible teeth too. No, you have good- you guys both have straight teeth. I'm not green. Would you do me one favor? Yeah. I'd really love for your strings to be even on your- I know, they can't be. They can't? I've been trying though, I think- The strings of your pants like- Oh, maybe they can. They like- they like uh- No, they're not moving. Shape your dick. Like they always hang on both sides. Like when you- whenever you wear the black pants, you have like two white strings that like outline your- My meat sack? Is that the way they're supposed to be or aren't you supposed to tie them? Nah. You don't tie? Draw strings? Not me. Men, is that not cool? Chuck, did you ever- Hm. That's the doorbell. That's some raw chicken. Did you ever not wear pants because you didn't like how it shaped your penis? Like did you ever choose like when you were younger or something or- Yeah, he does- sometimes he'll be like, "Can I wear these pants to a family function?" And it's like- it's like sheer material and you just see his junk. Did you ever- were you ever insecure about the- the bulge? Yes. He's got a big bulge. He does. His bulge was so big over the other visit with his family. Kristen. Just shut your- his bulge was- shut your yap. Everyone will think you're a liar. I'm not a liar. His bulge was not so big. It's an objective thing. Yeah, it's objective. I'm sorry. No, it's objective. It's a subjective thing to decide maybe I haven't seen a lot of bulges. She said your bulge is so big. It is big. Remember over- remember when you were like, "Can I wear these pants around my family?" It's there. Yeah. And you were like, "I feel weird." Look, I wouldn't- I think that speaks to most men have some sort of three-dimensional bulge. Like, but I- you know, how can my bulge be big? I have like a two-inch, at most, soft dick. Not- I said at most. Yeah. Most. Sometimes I have a- On a great day. Anyways. Huh. Enough about that. You're gonna make chicken? Yeah. You don't even know how to do it without me. I know exactly- yes, I do. Oh, you can? Yeah, you- I understand you gave me the grill, but you've taught me how to do it. I know. You can set- You taught a bird to fly- uh, no, you brought a horse to the water. Did I teach him to drink? That's- yes, that's what you did. Okay. Lot of ch- fuck. I've never met a human being like you. Kristen, I agree completely. Oh, my neck is killing me. Could you give it a push? This doesn't hurt. Whoa. Now that we have a platform who speaks- Politically. A-politically. Socio- Economically. Politically. Yeah. Is this up for grabs? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's up for grabs. Yeah. All right. Ooh. Why don't you warm some up? Actually, I'm a man who can just eat it real cold. Really? Oh, yeah. Just like this. the dominoes obligation for you to do it this way. I'm just letting you know. They don't want it to be cold. I'm eating pizza because I want to eat pizza. That's fine, but then we're going to have to do dominoes later in the episode and then it's going to be doubly as annoying. How do they even know if it's warm or not? You could tell this isn't warm? You said it was cold. Edit out the cold and put some little thing. Can we get some of the fumes? No, we can't get any of the fumes. I'm sure we can have one cold one and one hot one and just don't cut the cold one. We don't have to have two. That was a natural moment. Let him live. That was not planned. Everyone's going to think that, oh, that's an ad. I never even think that ads are in. Sorry, my brain doesn't work like Wall Street like you. What do we have to say? What do we even have to do? Domino's native segment feels like it's part of the show. Feels pretty part of the show right now. This should be funny. You ruined it. And in the vein of the show, while promoting Domino's best deal ever, any crust, any toppings for $9.99. Wait, what do you have to say? We have to say that? What is that? We have to say for a limited time, pick your favorite crust. This is Domino's best deal ever. Which camera? What do we say? Any toppings for $9.99. Add any toppings for $9.99. Whenever you want, but for a limited time. Guys, I just want to say something. I'm sure they'll love this to be in it. I just know it won't count. So later, if people see hot pizzas, they'll know that this didn't count. Anyways, enough about brands, ads, let's talk about guests. Who would be your favorite guest to have on? Me? Yeah. Dead or alive? What? I guess we'll start with dead. I'd like to bring a few dead guys on. Okay, fine. Let's each go around one dead guest we would love to have on. Okay, Kristen, you start. First dead guest you'd love to have on. I'll say the first one. Okay. Yes, ma'am. I wonder if there would be any value in having Hitler on. Oh, that was mine. That was literally mine. That is a beautiful thing that just happened there. That was mine. That's friendship. Hitler and a translator is what I was going to say. Yeah, but just to be like, just to see if he takes it all back. He's not going to take it all back. Oh, I don't think he's taking it back in his mouth. I want to make him defend himself. And also for the people that believe it didn't happen, for them to do something. I just want to say like, what was the deal, Hit? Yeah, we're smoking, we're cooking. Hypospadias? You know he had the same dick issue that I had. That drove him to insanity. It drove Dave to comedy. No, he just had like high off of power. And he worked on a country, he worked off of like a country that was broken. Okay, Chuck, who would your second dead person? I don't know if it's broken. Who would your second favorite dead person be? Biggie. I was going to say Biggie or Tupac, only also to kind of get it right. To have Biggie or Tupac here and just first off, even their voices. Talk about audio, the audio of like asking Biggie a question. Okay. I'm going to say my dead person. Please. I really want to see like Albert Einstein in motion, because I'm not even sure if he existed. Yeah. He like looks so like mythical. He's perfectly cast to be Einstein. I just saw a picture of him sunbathing. Did you see that? Yeah, I know. And he looks so cool. Yeah. And he's like so, and he wasn't even that long ago. What was Einstein's biggest contribution? What was it? His biggest contribution? Was it relativity theory or something? Yeah. But he also was part of the Manhattan Project, but that's sort of terrible. Maybe he wasn't. He did so many things. But like. No, I don't even know how we speak about that, because we don't speak about politics. So I don't know. We can speak about politics. I don't even know what politics. I mean, by the way, the aliens are circling all the nukes. So to not talk about the nukes would be, we're not talking about the aliens, which I think would be irresponsible to do with our platform. Yeah. But is the alien cake? The one in Mexico might have been cake. What was the deal with that? They literally. I don't know. There's like. Was it the promotion for the show? Is this cake? No. They cut into it, and it was cake. Here's what I think happened. So there was a meme. Someone tried to say that they found these aliens in Mexico, and they're like in little sarcophagi. Yeah. And they're like this. And then I think someone just tweeted like, I thought this was cake or something. And it was during the heyday of, is this cake? Yeah. It's so good. It's hard to know. It's hard to know. and they're in little sarcophagi, and they're like this. And then I think someone just tweeted, like, I thought this was cake or something. It's so good. It's hard to know. It's hard to know. We need some sort of mega joke like the cake, some sort of constant thing that we can recreate. We have so many micro jokes starting to brew. I do understand that, like, this could be, this is funny. It doesn't have to be funny. I'm not sure if we're, like, a mega-joke, like, crew. No, we're not, we're not, like. I think, like, we'll stumble upon mega-jokes a lot. That's all you can ask for in life. Is micro-jokes? No, stumbling upon the mega-jokes through the micro-jokes. Slice of life jokes. This is my favorite way to be. I literally started my life being a boy who was just entertaining his friends. The micro-joke. That's how I knew that I was funny enough to even go for it. Yeah. And then all going for it requires so much hard work that sometimes you don't even get to really engage this part of my soul, which I think is my truest version of soul. Honestly, we started off, it felt a little bit awkward to me, like, getting into it. It always feels awkward or not, but that is the, that's the point. But I feel, this feels great. All right, so we've talked about dead guests. Now, why don't we talk about some people who are, like, actually living so we can get a little practical. I would love to have some alive friends over the Obamas. I would love the Obama family the whole family The entire family plus extended family like the parents. I was just the parents I was just with Michelle and she honestly blew me away. You were with Michelle Yeah, if you can get Michelle on we'll suck your dick. Yeah. Well, no, we will not neither one of us will suck your dick What about any rappers? Oh, I would love Kendrick and Drake Kendrick and Drake together together to talk it out. Oh, yeah. Yeah I mean, that's gonna use our platform to talk I have a great idea each one of you can represent one of them behind and then we have a mediator So that they don't feel like they're alone in the matter And then we just kind of talk it out and kind of figure out what the whole thing is all about Yeah, I think they're not gonna ever do that, but maybe individually they'd come on All right, let's stop talking about celebrities because I think it's more important to talk about the characters that are here. Kristen, what do you want people to know? What, you know, tell them the background. Favorite job? My favorite job? Boxer. Boxer. My favorite job other than the job that I do love would be the job I've only done like one job, which was produce commercials and advertising. Oh, that's cool. Wait, actually, though, that's a lie. I did do another job. Uh-huh. Yeah. Server at Hillstone. I loved it. Didn't you have all the recipes? Yeah, but I gave the book away. How would you do that? I thought I was going to get the binder back. Did that make you fun? The person has that binder, and I don't know if they're going to see this, but I could also just text you. We need to see them right now. I can't. I feel weird. No, no. I really want a few recipes from there. That feels so weird to reach back out like seven years later and be like, can I get the binder back? No, no, no. Just say, hey, I know I gave you this binder. You know, I love Hillstone, and there's a few recipes I want. Do you mind, like, screenshotting them and sending them to me? I guess that's appropriate. How do I even start off a text at the last time I text? No, I used to work with him. It was 2018. Let me write. We're in the middle of a multimedia shoot. And we want to know if it's cake. We want to know if your head is made of cake. I feel like it's, yeah. No, it's so easy. Let me just do it, please. And the last thing that we texted about was Hillstone. Let me do it. He's a producer. I don't want him to disrespect. I'm going to write it, and then you'll approve. You promise you won't hit send? I swear on my life. Okay. I don't want to lose my day job. You know what I think we should do? Go and get it? No. Don't even text him. Let this come out. No. See if he texts it to you. No. That's how I would approach it. I don't care. It'll be like a decade. I know how this is going to go. You have to both be professional and friendly and acknowledge the time that's passed. But don't say anything about the podcast. It's going to be weird. I'm not talking about the podcast. You talk to him. Oh, maybe you guys go out there. I think it's time to throw the chicken on the grill. You promise you won't hit sense? After you. After you. I think. Benny, I'm serious. He won't. He won't. He's not going to. Finally, some alone time. Oh, I stepped on some charcoal. All right, Mochi. Oh, no. Where's the grill? Oh, I thought. Close that thing. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me. And for the listening audience out there, I am placing. Oh, that is a long text you are. You know what's funny? What? Maybe this is a sign of the loneliness epidemic that we're witnessing. Go on. How much anxiety I have about just sending a text to an old friend. Okay. That is funny. Okay, ready? Okay, this is going to sound so random, but I was at Hillstone with some friends last night, and I brought up how I gave you the Hillstone recipe book like 10 years ago, and my friend Benny freaked out. He is begging me to get you to send him a few of the recipes from the book. Ha ha. And then it says. Can you just send me the book? So this is my strange attempt to get you to hand over the goods. Feel free to ignore. I hope you're well. Okay, no, I'm going to make a few changes. Yeah, do whatever you want. But it's pretty good, right? Yeah, it is really good. And I've never seen Benny give such a long text. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Not if it's going to change her sending this text. Did you say my friend Benny to kind of have more celebrity leverage involved with the request? No, no. Oh, I was going to say that I should. I was going to ask you guys if I should say Benny or if I shouldn't say Benny. Because to me, I was going to say Benny Blanco. Because why does he care what his friend's name is? Because you would speak to him. I would never say my friend, John. Yes, you would. I'd say my friend. No, no, no. Because I said friends twice, and I thought it would be weird to say, like, friend and then friend right after it without saying the friend's name. Yeah, I think. I said friends twice. Oh, because I was talking with my friend. Yeah, with my friend. I understand that. It becomes weird if you avoid the name. And I think it becomes more personalized if you say. I don't think he would know because I don't know if he knows. - I'm not gonna lie. He knows that we're friends. I'm not going to know, but I was going to say, should I say Benny Blanco? No, don't say that. Say my friend BJ. I'm serious, because that way it's not Benny. He might know that you're married to me. I'm friends with a Benny. You're the only Benny I've ever met, except for the kid in the back. What if he thinks it's BJ Novak? You are BJ. Benjamin Levin. I'm sorry, Benjamin Joseph Levin. You are BJ. You're BJ Levin. I am. I don't think we'd ever call you BJ. I think we should. I'm going to change it to my friend BJ. No, don't, don't, don't. He might think it's BJ Novak, and maybe he's got some sort of issue with him. What if he has an issue with BJ? He doesn't. There's way less BJs than there are Bennys in the world. How many times have you heard the name BJ? BJ Upton. I don't even know who that is. You wouldn't. But for all my sports fans out there, we're going to get into all that, too. We're going to be relevant. We're going to be real time. We're going to be able to see, react, but remember that athletes are human beings. And it's not fair to just criticize men as if they're. What are you talking about? Criticize. Chuck, I think the only thing we should be criticizing is that you can't get the string on your pants to be equal. Hey, do you want to produce for us? Rip a session? Yeah, you want to write something from scratch for everyone, and we'll just write, Chuck, should we start. What's your album coming out? You said, what's my album coming out? No, when is it? And what's it? I don't know. I'd rather not disclose any information to keep things as. I'm going to say, hi. I think this is really relatable. This is my tone of show. Crafting a text. Great. Hi. This is so random, but I was at Hillstone with some friends last night, and I brought up how I gave you the Hillstone recipe book years ago, and my friend BJ is forcing me to get it back. Benny, Benny, Benny. He's begging me for it. If you still have it. If not, no worries. Hope you are well. Perfect. Oh, you were asking to get the whole book back? Yeah. You're getting that book back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's even cooler. But don't say BJ. Please say Benny. I love. I've never called you BJ. Why don't you say Benny, parentheses BJ? I like that. What if he doesn't have it anymore? Well, we'll see. Then he says that he doesn't have it. Please, please, please. You can call me BJ. I don't care. Okay, okay. Thank you. It feels so satisfying to call you BJ. That's cool. I want to do it full time. How quickly do you think he's going to write back? There's no. I would drive and get that book right now. If he told me he was in Austin, Texas, I'd get in the car right now. For a Hillstone recipe book? Yes. What if he says no? He's not going to say no. What if he's like, unfortunately, I don't feel like giving that away. I think he'd be like, oh, I love that book. He could just make a copy. It's mine now, winky face. Yeah, it's all mine, you fucking bitch. Yeah. He might say that. What if he says Novak? He might. Maybe in parentheses write not Novak. Or Updice. Are you still changing it? Yeah. I gave you the Hillstone recipe book years ago, and my friend BJ is begging me for it. Don't know. Don't even. BJ Armstrong? No, if you still have it. If not, no worries. Exclamation mark. Can you please just send it? Hope you are well. Yes, yes. Okay, hi. Should I do it one last time? No, no. Okay. Send. You sent it. Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so excited. But I will tell you, I have the same book, but for a different restaurant. For which one? Carbone. Did they get it from Hillstone? No, I have their master, full master recipe list. Of course. Oh my God, he texted back. That is the life of a producer. Oh my God, oh my God. Open it, open it. Hey, of course I have it. It's my prized possession. What? What did he say? He says more a training manual than a recipe book, though. Are there recipes in it? Yeah, there are. Oh, training manual. I mean, that's certified. No, that's classified. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You're welcome. What did he actually say? He said it's his prized possession? Yeah, here's what he said. He said, hey, of course I have it. I'll make a detailed replica if you want. I'll give it back. It's more of a training manual than a recipe book, though. I gotta say, I believe that response is very in line with what I was describing as kind of a way to say I would prefer not to give it back. He's saying, I'll make a copy. You'll make a copy. Yeah, that's all I care about. It's illegal to even have this book. What does that even mean, make a copy? Go to a kinkos and do copies? Yes, which I would do. No, no, I would just send my assistant to go take pictures of it and stuff, or I'd go myself. Wait, please, just write. Okay, I will, but let's move on. No, no, no, no. We're spending too much time on this book. No, we are not. Most people don't even know what Hellstone is. Everybody knows about Hellstone. Everyone knows Hellstone. I want to do an entire episode where I have to speak, try to speak, and say what Benny says as he's saying it. Okay, what am I going to say right now? Now. What am I going to say? We have to start from, you know, doing anything. Pretty good. What do you mean? She's just making noises. No, she's saying the exact words you're saying and pretty much the exact same thing. I've actually never seen anything like this. It's just because you're her wife. That was. He was trying to fess the fuck with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You proved your point. How did you prove your point? I just have to make pizza in the other room. Because you're talking faster than you've ever talked before. Okay, you want me to talk the slowest I've ever talked in my entire life? See? I thought you'd actually be able to do something crazy. Okay, okay, please, just write. I'm so serious. You don't even like Hellstone. I love Hellstone. I said it's the one. I love this ball. Okay, wait. Just say, I'd love a copy. What's the easiest way to do that for me? I will, okay. I can send my assistant over to take pictures. I'll send BJ over with his security. No, please write. I want to know how quickly we can get it. We'll get it tonight. I might want. Please write something back. I did. No, you didn't. Please. I never ask you for anything. I promise you, Benny. Cross my heart. Hope to die. If there's one thing. If there's one thing I'm going to deliver in this friendship, it's this book. Can you just write it back? Because you're very forgetful. Wow. I am forgetful, and my therapist does say that. Do you want to attach BJ to the thread? I love calling Benny BJ, too. Wait, can you add him to the thread? I can't believe you've gotten this far in. Stop trying to get out of this. Will you please add him? He's gotten this far in our friendship. In life. No one ever called you BJ. Add BJ to the thread. How did kids not say. You don't really look like a BJ. They did. That's to me. They did say that. They did. There was like one of my friends did it as a joke once. Well, how do they know your middle name? Can you please attach. Kids gossip. Kids talk. Can you attach BJ to the thread? Levi? Can you attach. Stop avoiding. You're being avoidant. Is that your attachment style? What's the. What are they again? I don't know how we're talking. Please. We do. Hillstone is very protective. We don't want to make this whole thing about Hillstone. Well, we're doing that. Can you please just do it really quickly? How do we. Should I flip the check?. go about making a copy? I'm going to take the time to get every single page, and I'm going to put it on nice paper and in a nice binder. You're not going to do that, but I'll do it for you. As I was saying that, I was thinking, will I actually do that? You probably won't even remember to get it, and I'll have to remind you 200 more times. I'll remember. I'll remember. But will I go the extra step? I'm coming back in a sec, guys. I don't want a gift. I want zero gifts. I just want you to accept me. Just hold it together. I should do it as a gift. I don't want it as a gift. Speaking of gifts, what do you want? Speaking of gifts, how do you and Selena give each other gifts? How do you guys give gifts? We really don't. Dave gives me gifts. Why don't you guys give each other gifts? He's so hard to give gifts for. Really? He's so easy to give gifts for. Not at all. I'll be like, Dave, what do you want? And you'll say like a. Knuckle cracker. I can think of 20 gifts for him right now. What? Hair dye. He already has that. No, but one. First and foremost. Looks like that was the. Jack, was that a MAGA joke? MAGA joke. First and foremost, I don't dye my hair. No. I know, you just tried. The only reason I have to talk about it is because I've now been confronted about it and I have to speak about it. I don't dye my hair. I was. I noticed like 18 gray hairs entering this thing and, you know, honestly, I thought to myself, I feel like a boy. You know, I don't know. I can't believe this is happening. And so I told my hair guy and he just recommended this shampoo that I thought would not really do much of anything. And so it's not a hair dye. It's a shampoo I've used twice that I guess the implication is that you think my hair is red now. No, I think your hair looks great. My hair looks the same that it always has. The lighting in here is what it is. In fact, when I come out of the shower, my hair looks dark chestnut. Okay, do you want me to tell you your second gift? Not if it's going to be anywhere near as antagonistic as that first gift. Machinery. For his dick? He knows exactly what I'm talking about. He's already had it. He doesn't need that anymore. Some sort of new expert machinery. No, I thought you didn't want that sort of thing. No, I don't. Really? No, he's got a wife. I think, yeah. Okay. Number three. Unlimited gift card to Taco Bell. I'd rather have cash. Number four. You wouldn't. I know. If it was one single card. Yeah, just one card. Yeah, I'd like that. Okay. If it was synced to Postmates. Yeah, it is. Or Uber Eats. It is. Or whatever the sponsor of the show will end up being. Both. I know your number four. What's that? Calzone machine. You press a button, the calzone just goes, boom, comes out. Because that machine doesn't exist, I'd rather you create the machine and we sell the machine. Okay. Do you think I can do it? Thinking about blazing? But it does create like a little bit of a paranoia. I don't normally say blaze. People probably saw that and thought I was crazy. - And I say it like that. - Shh. - Hey, honey. - I love you. - I love you. - They're filming. - They are? Or we are? - Oh, they walked back in. - We are. - We are. - I was just saying hi. They're coming back in now. I love you. I'll call you when we're done. - Goodbye. - Are you guys done out there? - You didn't shut the door. - I wanted to still be a part of things. - Oh. - All I'm doing is peeing. - Yeah. - I'm not even touching anything. - Do you guys ever do any sort of freestyling together? - Yeah, well. - Do you guys ever play any beats? Do you guys ever get loose? - Well, we could easily very much, she could go and give a whole, I mean, this guy is the eighth ranked producer. - Benny, can we make a song? - Of the millennium, according to Billboard. - I don't know, you'd have to be able to sing. - Well, I can't sing, but. - I thought you could do it even if she couldn't sing. - I'm not gonna do it. She's too scared to sing. - I'm not too scared to sing. I love, show them the first one. I loved what we did in the first one. ♪ It does sound good ♪ ♪ It sounds good to me ♪ ♪ Ha, oh ♪ ♪ I adore you ♪ ♪ Ooh, hi, I adore you ♪ - Sounds like traditional, like pop music. - We're like on the street. - Okay, Jack, you try. - I'm like moved by how good it sounds on auto too. ♪ Ooh ♪ - Ooh, yeah, actually it sounds really good. ♪ Ooh ♪ - Oh, your voice is good. - I need a little more delay. Like, I wanna feel the echo. ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ I don't know what to say ♪ ♪ I don't know what to do ♪ ♪ I'll just try to find ♪ ♪ Something in auto too ♪ ♪ In my headphones ♪ ♪ This sounds great ♪ ♪ I don't know about you ♪ ♪ In my headphones ♪ ♪ This sounds great ♪ ♪ I'm just doing what I do ♪ ♪ I'm a professional ♪ ♪ A professional musician ♪ - Hey, Moji, where did we net out on the-- - Book? - The recipe book? - It's coming your way. - He said that? - No, but he's making the copy and I'm gonna get it. - Oh, he said that? - Yeah. - What'd he say? - He's making the copy. - When? - I don't know, I'm not gonna like bombard him on a weekday. - Set alarm for 1:00 p.m. Check in with Kristen about copy of "Hillstone" book. - Can I show you guys something real quick? - Yeah. ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ - That's good. ♪ Isn't she wonderful ♪ ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ - Why do you always twitch your legs every time you sing? - That's how I generate vibrato. - Vibrato, you mean? - You do have a good point. It seems like you were doing a bit there because it came out of nowhere. - No. - But your voice is good. - That was my intention, was to show off. - Oh. - There's no bit. I think I am a good singer. And I think I sounded good. - You always sound good. And you do do a body roll, but it's cool. - I don't know how a singer creates the ripple of the, when, you know, a run goes like. I cannot create a ripple without moving my body. - I think it's like they're vocally trained. - How come they can do it? I can't. And I like, as a fan and consumer of music, I like the vocal ripple. So when I'm making music-- - What, like when Post does it? - Yeah. - I'll be right back. - Post-- - Keep yourselves entertained. - Post has a strong, like a big vibrato. And I'm such a fan of the ripple, if that's what you call it. I know it's called vibrato. - Vibrato. - Vibrato. To the listener who's hearing that ripple, just know I was shaking my body. And when I shake my body, it's totally up to chance how the ripple will even come out. - You know there is no ripple when you shake your body. - No. - That is not true. - Do it right now. - Okay. - Do, so, ooh. - Well, there was just one there. There wasn't one you sang that isn't she-- - Yes, there was. ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ That ee. As opposed to if I didn't do it, I'd go, and this will sound better in this example, but, ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ - There's pizza here. - Huh? - There's like 25-- - 25 pizza boxes here. ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ - It's like the perfect level of warmth. ♪ Isn't she lovely ♪ - Oh boy, oh boy. - Here Mochi, you want the rest? - No, I got a lot of chicken coming. - Mmm. - Want a piece of chicken? - I do. - No. - Is that the spicy? - Check, that looks burnt. - We had some issues out there. - That one has no color. - Yeah, there's a little bit of variance going on. You know, outer edge of the grill versus inner edge of the flame. - I like the burnt ones. - You think they're spicy? - I'd like to taste. - Isn't there something that the burning is bad for the-- - Yeah, carcinogens, death. - Really? - Yeah, I'll take a little. - I thought it was just called char-boiled. - Char-boiled. - I like the way you said it. - Wait, Chuck, I want just that little piece right there. - The end of this? - Yeah, that's all I want. - Is this the spicy one or barbecue? - It's spicy, but why take them as burnt? - Okay, now give me that. - I like it burnt. - Ooh, that's nice and slick. - That looks so good. Can you give me? - Yeah. - Is this the spicy? - Yeah, I like the wetness of this. - Chuck, it's like a. - A little dry. - Did you put any salt on anything or not? - Salt, I put salt in the marinade. - There's no salt. - I don't like salt. - Who puts salt on a marinade? - On chicken, every human being on planet Earth. - What, in post, I was gonna say, after it's made? - In post. - Most people, while they're making a marinade, put salt in it. - Have you ever thought about actually making a marinade? - Why don't you ever do it? - No, I never thought of hand making. - Anything. - A sauce. - Really? - Yeah, I'd say most people don't have the thought. - I think a lot. - I know, I think a lot of people do. - I think a tons of. - Absolutely not. - I think tons of people make a sauce for their fish or their meat when they're cooking. - Out of sauce. - No, I think tons of people, I think you are very much. - They take like lemon juice, olive oil, all sorts of things. - Maybe like a kid in college doesn't make the sauce. I think many people, when they make a piece of fish. - No, I think it's. - You're talking to me about seasoning a fish with like some sort of spice, like maybe some lemon. - Sauce. - I'm talking about a sauce. - Yeah, yeah, making a marinade for a meat. - No one does that. No one does that. - Okay, check. - I think that it. - Some people do, of course. - I think a lot of, I think it's so not even. - Hey, drop a line in the comments if. - Of course. - Check, you're gonna sound so, you're gonna sound very stupid. - People that like to cook make their own like marinade. - You're gonna sound. - I know some people do. - He's not gonna sound stupid. It's just, it just shows that he doesn't. - It just shows that you like don't live in the real world. - No, I think a lot of people do it and a lot of people don't. - Do you think more or less than 50% of people make their own sauces from hand? - That cook food? - No, that exist. - That exist? - I'm not speaking to the chef community. I'm speaking to the average Joe who's sitting here watching whatever this clip happens to be. - Well, do they make food or do they order all their food? - I don't know, they are the, it's the aggregate average of America. - I think sometimes people make their own sauce and sometimes it's like Italian dressing. - This slight debate and argument is definitely not relegated only to the chef, cook, not even chef, the active cooker community. - Chuck, what are you talking about? Why do you think they're in cookbooks? Like sauces and marinades? What the fuck are you talking about? - I don't know why we're talking about cookbooks. - Human beings cook cookbooks. They sell millions and millions of copies. - Well, you guys, it's just, it's not even that complicated. - On YouTube. - It's just not that deep. We don't need to get all worked up about it. - I don't think, I don't think. - People sometimes are creative and they make their own marinade and sometimes they just use like Italian dressing. - Yeah. - Italian dressing is the marinade I would use. That's already pre-packaged in a package, is all I'm saying. - Totally, people do that and they also make their own. - Marinade for chicken, 28 million views. Yogurt marinade for chicken, 34 million views. - Do you consider that them? - That's not a lot of use. - Is that them making it themselves or are they following a recipe? - What? - I guess that's a different category. - Okay, that's not even, it's a, you're not even talking. - It's a different category. - What are you talking about? - No, no. - It's a category of exploration when you cook where you just make your own marinade yourself. - All right, guys, I'm sorry, I can't, we have to stick to reality. - And you do a different thing every time. - I'm so sorry. - Or there's the category of following a recipe. - Well, here's my thing about what you're talking about with the cookbooks, which I didn't consider people following recipes, but I absolutely think that they have to be considered in this argument. But I, so I don't think more than, I don't think more than five to 10% of humanity is using a cookbook to make their food. I think, nevermind. - I know what you're gonna say. - What am I gonna say? - You think that I'm coming off like I don't live in the real world. - No, I'm just gonna say this. I'm gonna say that, I'm not gonna talk about you at all. I'm gonna say a lot of people that cook might not be able to like spring for like buying a $6 bottle of barbecue sauce and they're like, "Oh my God, I have all these ingredients at home "that equal $6 that I can make like vats and vats "of the same thing for." So they'll look on the internet and be like, barbecue sauce. Or they might be at home and might not have like a marinade bottle at home and they're like, "Oh my God, I need to make marinade right now." And they look online to look, or some people just cook food and cook with marinades. And when they're making, people enjoy cooking food. And I think a lot of people cook food rather than go out to eat and stuff. And I do think they make their-- - Well, that's a different argument. - No, and I do think they make their own marinades when they cook. - Yes, people make their own marinades. - I think there are so many people at home-- - And people have a busy life 'cause they're working a-- - I think that's also true. - And they don't have a big job. - I mean, at the end of the day-- - I think that's also true. - They buy Italian dressing. - Dave started this by saying, "Nobody makes their own marinade." - Well, that's wrong. - Not nobody. By the way, my argument, to me, if it's, So, for me, if it's less than 50% of people making marinades from scratch, I kind of win the basic argument. I don't think, I think people, I think more than 50. I think it's like 10%. At most. You're out of your mind. What do you think it is? That are people who cook food. No. General population. It's not about people who cook food. I think a lot of people cook food. A lot of people are at home with their $5 marinade that they bought at the store. I do, too. And, like, they're just putting barbecue sauce. So, what is your, so you keep moving the goal, but what is your question? This originated from this. You said, do you ever make your own sauce? And you said. I said, no, I don't make my own sauce. And you said. And you said nobody makes. Everybody makes their own sauce. I said nobody makes their own sauce. Yeah. That's like kind of the origin of the whole thing. I think it's much closer to nobody making their own sauce than, like, it being so common that so many people are making their own sauce that I'll be validated. I think, I think, I think I would be validated. Wait, I do want to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, you guys keep talking amongst yourselves. Oh, you'll ask them? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys keep talking amongst yourselves. Hold on. Do any of you guys cook? I am always making a sauce. But that's not the question. What did they say? The question was not do any of you guys cook. He asked that? Yeah. Not just, like, lemon garnish on a fish. I'm talking about a sauce. Are you cooking, though? No. Okay, so you're not cooking. You're out of the country. No, no, no. That counts. That counts. But I don't cook, though. He doesn't cook. That's fine. I'm talking about non-cooks. I don't even have the. Great. You're the part of the America that I vote for. He doesn't even have chicken. You're a part of this country. That doesn't, that doesn't, that doesn't make sense. He's a part of the society that I. It doesn't make sense. It's for people who are cooking. And you said nobody uses a marinade when they're cooking. Why am I even in the category of people who are cooking? Because you're cooking right now. If I'm in the category, then everyone's in the category. Do you cook? You don't cook. I don't cook. Okay, do you cook? Like, you can't say I cook. If you cook, would you use a marinade or not a marinade? You would make one or no? You wouldn't? Okay, okay, okay. You're out of this conversation. This is for people who have cooked food. You just cooked food, so you're using a marinade. It has to be for a human being that cooks. I don't even under. I can't even follow it. I'm sorry, Chuck. You're starting to move the goalposts like Chris. Chuck, you said nobody. I'm not a person who cooks. Am I a person who cooks? You are cooking. Yes, of course. You think of me as a person who cooks. What is this thing? I cook today. Okay, and when you make your. How often do I cook? Very often. No. You mean. You make your tuna thing. You make your chicken. I mean, making a can of tuna is cooking? Yeah, you're cooking yourself a meal. I don't understand what the whole thing is. But I just want to finish this, because we are in the middle of it. Okay, wait. I was going to play a beat to the. It's not even plugged in right now. It's a tough. What a debate. I mean, someone's got to debate it. So out of four people who cook. Three of them would make a marinade, and one of them is like 50-50. I'm only interested in the general population. That is the general population. Is there anyone there who didn't cook that you didn't account for? Chuck, but that. It doesn't make any sense. To me, it does. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you lost the argument and you had to try to find a way to justify it. That's okay. I love you. I love you regardless, and we don't even have to know. I don't think I lost the argument. Chuck, we don't even have to. The truth is in the pudding. The proof is in the pudding. This is. You're just digging it. We're covering grounds that need to be covered. We are out there doing the work, having the conversations that nobody wants to have. Chuck, I'm just glad that this was. I want to say a few things. Okay, Chuck. I love arguing. Me too. I love the spirit of argument. I love when we get in these little quote-unquote tiffs on these because what I think the best thing that we can capture when we do these is true human behavior, and at the end of the day, my favorite forms of entertainment always include characters that I love, and I think there's no better characters than seeing people for who they are, and I want people to see into the minutia of what even triggered a one-off argument because I just love that type of behavior, and I'm embracing that. I would do that even if there were no cameras here. I just love that way of life. And I love you. I love you, of course. It goes without saying. And I love you, Mochi. And I love you, and I love you. I love you so much. I love you as my husband. Chuck, and I love you even though you were wrong in the argument. Now, if we're going to talk about the argument in general, these are my. These are my closing comments. This is my position. I am not in the group of people that cook. Therefore, if we're talking about me, it has to stem from we're talking about general population because I am not. I shouldn't be even compared statistically amongst the community of the world that cooks because I am in that other community, the people who don't cook because I barely cook. So if that's the case, I believe that we have to evaluate the entire general population. That being said, I believe. If it's under 20% at this point of GP, I win. Chuck, you cook. Sorry, I hate to break it to you. You cook. Here's what I'll say. You cook. You have a grill. You gave it to me. Doesn't matter. You use it. I don't seek it. I don't seek cooking equipment. I've never sought it. Chuck, I'm sorry. What I'll say. You're wrong. This is the fun debates to get in. And I feel like if we took the. Like, this is like a fun-spirited debate. Sometimes I feel like I get too angry. No, you don't. I think you're having fun. Are you not having fun? I'm having fun, but I have fun being passionate in my opinion. No, I just was like, as I was speaking, I felt my eyes like glaze like the devil. Yeah. And I thought, you look like you're angry right now. Well, because it's hard to be. Were you getting angry? No, I would have been angry if I was in Dave's position, though. I would have. Well, I'm joyous. You don't think that's antagonistic of you saying that? Like, you would have been angry? No, he knows it is. Yeah, yeah, it's antagonistic, but I wouldn't. So you get joy out of the antagonistic. No, no, I get joy out of that, but I also get less joy out of. Like, I would have been more upset if in the argument I was in Dave's position. But it's okay to be. It's okay to be contradictory. It's okay to be wrong. We're always going to be able to review the footage and, you know, the facts at hand are going to present themselves. I will say this. It's important as you evaluate these facts at hand to analyze the spirit of the way things are said, how they get brought up. Take all that context into account and think to yourself, in this specific instance, when Benny said, you don't make your own sauce? And I said, no, I don't make my own sauce. Maybe I do see it. I see it in your way more. I guess. It doesn't matter. I love you guys. Friends on three. Wait, no, wait. That's what's good about this is being able to come around and be like, maybe I was wrong. Now that I'm thinking about it, I think it's wrong for me to say if 20% of people are the way I'm describing that my reaction would have been appropriate because that would mean that there's a one in four chance of that happening, which would mean me going like, no, I don't do that is a little bit overdramatic. Now, if it ends up being 5% to 8% of people make sauces from scratch, which I still am holding out hope for, especially if we count all ages. Let's go take a walk. If we count all ages, I'm winning, but I don't need to count all ages because that's not the spirit of the thing. Chuck, you just spend the next 30, 40 minutes just moving the post a little bit and I'm okay with that. No, you know what I'd like to do? Chuck. I'd like to end antagonism and I'd like to give you a few put-ups. Wow. And that is called Being a Man. You guys excited to go on this journey together? We were going on it no matter what. All we're doing is coming here every now and then capturing it. The plane Do you understand what I'm saying? has taken off. Do you understand? Yeah, yeah. We were doing this no matter what. Now, here's what we can say. Here's what we can say. I hope that 10 years from now we look back and we are so grateful that we captured all of our fun hangs and it doesn't, there's a world that our friendship could all, we could all fall apart, we could get divorced, we could all become unfriends just out of the sheer pressure of such pressure-ish. Yeah, I hope that would never happen. I hope that never happens. That would never happen. But yeah, I think we'll look back on it. Look, Chuck, I hope you're not paralyzed in six years. Why would he be paralyzed? Is it because he's God damn it. Okay, and that's a wrap on friends. One, two, three, friends. Again, again, again. That's like such a sad ending. Okay. Why? Because we really are all friends and married lovers. Well, I don't know why we're ending it this way. Why can't we do a catch thing? Okay, let's do it. What do you think? Is it lame? No, I don't think You think it's a lame? I think it's a lame. I don't think we ever have to define the ending. But no, let's do it. I want to do it. I think it's so cute and sweet. Do it. I love the spirit of it. Um, we're the best, three best friends in any world. Wait, I have an idea. I have an idea. What's that? We all walk upstairs together. That's a good idea. Okay. Is that if we take all the people in the world with cooking? No. That we're all going to be living. Like, for example, before this ends, you're probably going to have children and you're going to come and talk about it the same way we'd end up talking about it if it wasn't even on camera. Why do you pull up your pants when you run up the stairs? Because I have the mic pack. We're just going to live our lives and be ourselves. Good night.