The Perfectest Crime

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Here's a little tune to help you remember. ♪ Same drive, different day ♪ ♪ Don't you wish you were getting away ♪ ♪ Pack your bags and come on through ♪ ♪ Texas, Ohio, Alaska, we're up there too ♪ ♪ Comfort Inn, it's calling your name ♪ ♪ Save on the stay, oh ♪ ♪ And free waffles are yours to claim ♪ ♪ Well, I hope you like my little song ♪ ♪ Book direct at choicehotels.com ♪ - Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable, this legendary episode. Brainstorming Blueprints Bob rejects a southern draw and Westering Wade Wade detects a cold hard one as Magnifico Mark the Sempiternal Maestro finally unleashes the most anticipated event in podcast history, from sucking ass to extensive notes. Yes, it's finally time for The Perfectest Rhyme. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. - Welcome, everybody, to Distractable. You read the title correctly. It is time for The Perfectest Rhyme. I've been working on this for a very long time. I actually, well, you know, man, I can't spoil it. You don't even know who I am. I'm Markiplier, inventor. If you're watching this in the future in some historical archive of the greatest podcast episode ever made, which is only this episode, it's me, the creator of the world-changing, it either brought world peace or it destroyed everything even more than it already is, me, Markiplier. Let's go. I'm the legendary host of the future greatest episode of Distractable that ever existed. - Actually, your podcast nickname in the future, Mark the Creatoriplier. - The legend. - That's pretty good, yep. I'm gonna give you both points for, uh, for, uh, kiss-ass, sucka, I'll give-- - Suckin' ass? - Kiss-ass point, and Wade, you get a suck-ass point. - Oh, hell yeah. I'll take what I, man, yeah, just sav. - Just sav? What the fuck? - I'll address it in small talk. - All right. That's good. Uh, well, too bad, you guys. There is literally no time for small talk. This is going to be such a dense episode that there will not be an opportunity to discuss your lives, because your lives are now on the line. - Oh. - Also, also, it's Bob and Wade. For anyone, also the future historians that are watching this, yes, it's the legendary participants. - The legendary, the legendary. - The legendary other two guys, also known as, and friends for all time. - It's Bob, middle name, myskins. What's your middle name? - Martin. - Wade, Wade Barnes. - Do you not want to reveal your true name? - No, I don't want people to know George is my first name. That'd be helpful. - I know the audience has been excitedly waiting for this to happen, but I think Wade and I are at least 60% as excited as the audience is to see what exactly this is about to be. - Well, Bob, I work in fractions, but that probably adds up to the percent that you were talking about. - Six tenths, sir. - Yeah, I don't like to condense. - Are you boys ready? - Yes. - I want you to close your eyes. - Mine? - Wait, what the fuck? - Sorry, you can keep yours open. - The ones on the front of your face, yes. - Everyone at home, you don't have to close your eyes, especially if you're driving. Like, please keep them open. - Unless you want to really see what excitement is. - You gradually wake up from a drunk, drug-induced sleep. You can't see. It's currently dark everywhere. Even if you were to open your eyes, you closing your eyes right now is not the same as in the room. You could open your eyes, but just, you can't see right now. Suddenly, a speaker crackles overhead and you hear the following. - Rise and shine. Rise and shine. I have to ask you a question. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, then does it really matter who is holding the axe? You see, I have a problem. My crimes have become too perfect. No one will ever know who I am. Surely I am not perfect. Is that even possible? I am a criminal. I am perpetuated chaos. But if no one knows, why then would I even do it in the first place? But that's why you're here. Look around the room. In this place. I had committed the perfect crime. You don't even know what you lost, but you will if you are as good as this. Say? If you're not. Then no one will ever know of my crimes. And I was too. Perfect. Solve the mystery with the clues I have left you, detectives. Some of them may be true. Some of them may be false. It is up to you to differentiate the method from the madness. But look carefully. Trust nothing. Trust everything. Can you really even trust me? Trust the man standing across from you? Perhaps only the most perfect detective could perpetrate the perfect crime. Good luck, detectives. And act quickly. Time is against you. You open your eyes, you're in a room. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, yes. And across from you, you recognize each other. The two greatest detectives. In this day and age. You both are rivals. V'ing for the top spot. Always at each other's, you know, backs. You know, trying to solve the biggest mystery. You've got. Oh, you can pick your own, I guess, detective names. I didn't really come up with. Schmenwash Melonk. You know, uh, and then. Wade. It's Wade again. Oh, it's I'm Schmenwash Melonk. You could be whoever you want. You could be Bob, I guess. I wasn't claiming that. But you're the greatest detectives that ever lived. You find yourself in a square room. And how this is gonna work is, I'm not gonna describe what's in the room. Right now, what you guys are doing is, you are going to take turns looking around the room. I will tell you where. You have to pick a direction to look. North, east, south, west, wherever. And I will tell you what's in that direction. And then you'll differentiate the world. It'll be like segmented off like that. There's north, stuff in the north, stuff in the east, south and west. And then in there, you can then search in something in that area or look somewhere in there and you'll find a clue. And once you find that clue, you will then weave that clue into the story of what the crime is. You don't know what the crime is. You don't know how it was made, but you're going to figure it out because you're the greatest detective to ever live in. Also you're trying to beat the other guy, right? You want to be better. So each of you is going to take turns. The only rule is that you have to end your rant with, "Don't you see? It's the perfect crime." That's what you have to end it as. Right? I write that down? You're going to write that down? Don't you see? Okay. Now, here's the thing. This guy, the person who left you, or girl, or whoever, or thing, or monster, or entity, is so good at crime. This is legitimately the perfect crime. They have laid the clues out in the exact order that they knew you would find it in. They knew you so well that they knew which clue you'd find before. So you have to keep the clues in order and you will be using the other person's clues that they find. You don't know who this is. You don't know what the crime even is. You have to start from scratch. But assume that you are equipped. with some basic detective issues, things magnifying glass you've got a fingerprint kit for all the good that'll do you uh you've got you know a notebook you've got things that you can detect with right okay does that all make sense yes yes now i'm gonna flip a coin and i'm gonna determine who's going to look and find the first clue heads wade tail bob oh good job tail bob okay all right so bob once again square room northeast south and west look in a direction and then you'll see something i'll tell you what's in there and then you can look for one clue and it'll you can keep going until you find one clue now my mama mama no i'm not fucking committing to that for the whole episode god i do not have a southern accent that i can do for that long i just don't yeah i know i know that's very good anyway i'll do what schmenwa would have done anyway i feel like i have to look south everything always starts in the south along the south wall is a half kitchen there's a fridge a sink a stove well just a cooktop and like i guess you could call it like a kitchen countertop with drawers you said there is a fridge right yeah i you have to i have to start in the fridge learn a lot about a person from the fridge okay gotcha fridge or freezer oh yeah top and bottom if it's a top and bottom you gotta go freezer first on top that's where the sketchy stuff goes you open up the freezer and you find a plastic wrapped bundle of cash hundred dollar bills in stacks and now i have to formulate my version of what the crime was yes yes that's your first clue it's all clear now it's all coming into focus don't you see the criminal stole this cash don't you see it's the perfect crime i understand all right wade your turn all right so bob and i are rivals we are opposite of each other i'm smart he's stupid i'm fat he's bald and bob started in the south so in order to be his polar opposite and be a true rival i'm gonna look at the west wall west through me for a second okay all right okay in the west you see a small science looking setup there's beakers and chemicals bubbling there's like a table there with drawers as well and then there's a standing wardrobe cupboard looking thing and do i know bob's clue am i allowed to use his clue yes yeah you're you're so good you see what he's doing okay you know you're both good you're both good you're both good you're both you know that sherlock holmes detective mode thing you know you're piecing it all together okay so whenever i formulate my hypothesis it has to include his clue too i understand um i'm going to look in the wardrobe cupboard thing okay wait actually you have to look left door or right door of the cupboard well i read left to right so let's go right okay you see a dirty used shovel i detective wade know that the perfectest crime was committed money was taken from someone very well off and buried but our criminal found himself in dire straits needed to access that money dug it up laundered it and put it in the freezer so we have access to some cold hard cash don't you see it's the perfect crime did you really have to check yes all right all right bob it's your turn well i have to stay in the south because i'm lazy uh let's let's progress to the refrigerator uh you open the refrigerator and you see on the top shelf a blue crown like lots of little sapphire gems it's very elaborate the fur lining around it is also blue uh it's just a weirdly blue crown yes it's all coming together the criminal of course broke into the home of the ambassador not from anywhere in particular just the ambassador it's a known person and went to safe number one expecting to find the sapphire crown of crowns uh but found just a big old box of cash which obviously they took uh they went to safe number two because they had contingencies got it open dirty shovel clearly had been used to hide a body as the ambassador is want to do took it you might need leverage you know only adds to the perfectness of the crime and then as they were on their way to safe number three tripped over the club the crown laying on the floor in the bedroom of the ambassador clearly had been used as part of some sort of role-playing game perhaps with a mistress maybe with who who knows hard to tell anyway that's what they were really there for they snatched the crown and they head in home it's perfect don't you see it's the perfect crime okay so am i repeating what bob said about the ambassador or is that just no no no no you okay clues are what's important okay got it how the web is weaved is up to you we're as as the clues pile on you and your genius is gonna call him an idiot and you're gonna figure out what the real crime is i am going to open the other wardrobe man you guys are you guys are lazy he's just looking in the safe spots i should who goes to loot something's like i better go across the room before i open the second i don't know i thought you might have some all right i'm gonna all right you know what's fine you open up the other one and you find a crowbar a battered and used crowbar any any debris on it or just like dinged up the paint's chipped up it's been it's to indicate it's been used what for who knows but it's clearly been used both ends are used up scuffed it's old my dear dawson's i have come up with another hypothesis you what basil of baker street from great mouse detective and his associate dawson or uh sherlock holmes and you know his i can't tell if it's a bit anymore the guy with the creek you know dawson he had the creek yeah no i know that one i'm familiar with that dawson i do like my rival's idea about the ambassador i'm going to use the the ambassador but the ambassador was visiting a trip to the palace of the monarchy where the blue prince resided i'm all too familiar with blue crowns with my time with the blue prince the ambassador caught our culprit in the act of stealing this crown in haste the crowbar used to break into the building was also used to dispatch of our poor ambassador who was loaded with pockets of money the ambassador was taken buried in a hole money removed from his pockets shoved into a freezer so that way whenever our culprit needed access to cold hard cash it would be cold it would be hard and still cash don't you see it's the perfect crime i've i do see i do see uh but bob i don't think that's the full story no no i see something very different happening i stand up from the refrigerator slam it shut gasp and then run with my arms flailing over my head to the west to see what the hell wade's looking at there's a science table lots of science stuff there's chemicals in beakers there's a drawers a stack of drawers and then there's the cupboard the cupboard is open wade is standing in front of it holding a shovel and a crowbar so i just start rummaging through the vials full of chemicals to see what's going on with those what's being concocted you have deduced with your detective's eye is one of the most deadly poisons known to man silent tasteless odorless almost the perfect poison if not the perfect poison what we're uncovering this far is only the pre- heist to set up the heist of all heists we're not even we're not even talking about the real crime yet so clearly so so i think i was generally right about the first part the crowbar was used by the criminal to make entrance into the ambassador's home the cash was just picked up ambassador is known to carry cash and the criminal just like a video game just went around picking up piles of cash and then wrapped it put in the freezer just in case and the shovel was was found in the safe as described clearly leverage over the ambassador and the blue crown maybe was found in one of the safes maybe i misread that but the blue crown is the key the blue crown was taken and is going to be used or was used i guess this is supposed to have been perpetrated it was used by the criminal to gain entrance into the gala the criminal posed as the blue prince uh who we all know and have so much experience with and i have just as much if not more experience than wade with because he's a liar and he exaggerates criminal poses the blue prince and bought a small pen ballpoint pen filled with this tasteless odorless perfect poison so that he could sneak into the gala sneak up to the red queen blue prince's own mother jab her with the ballpoint pen unbeknowingly to her or anyone else and then slink away as the blue prince is known to do he's a slinker and our criminal slunk away back to his hideout and And as perfection dictates, the queen died sometime later where no one could even understand how it was she came to pass. Damn, that's crazy. Where'd the ballpoint pen come from? Who doesn't have a ballpoint pen? Everybody has a ballpoint pen. He's in the ambassador's house and he was like, ooh, cash, cash, pen, cash, cash. That's your first warning. You added a clue that wasn't there. I'm not going to deduct anything, but yeah, that's your first warning. All right, maybe it wasn't a ballpoint pen. Am I allowed to say just that it's an implement? Maybe that will come up. I hope it's a fountain pen just to spite you. Wait, don't you see? It's the perfect crime. All right, very, very good. Wade, Bob is in the west. Yeah, well, it's time for me to move. We're going to go north. Why is the north funny? I left because I thought that's where I was. And then I thought for another second, it was like, nope, that's not where I was. I thought he was just trading spots with me, but I'm just an idiot. I'm going north on this wall and swapping with Bob to look at the poison. In the north wall, there's an elegant armchair. There is a fireplace and there is a really, really nice old wooden desk. Find a ballpoint pen. So it's a really nice, you know, armchair too, I guess. And a really, really nice. They're all really, really nice. I'm going to start with the armchair. All right. He just wants to sit down. I see. I know. You look closely at the armchair and you notice an engraving on it that says, from the White House. See, there's no name for the chair at the White House, but you know. The White House chair. The White House armchair. Everyone knows the White House armchair. Wait, I recognize that chair. Is that the chair that goes with the resolute desk? Yes, it is the chair that goes with the resolute desk. It must be called. It must be called the resolute chair. Yes, it's the resolute chair. A.K.A. Ben Franklin's ass warmer. Yes, yes, yes. You found the resolute chair. This fits into my narrative so well. Our culprit went to break into the palace to steal the blue crown from the blue prince. He was caught. Ambassador or other one grabbed a nearby shovel, which is always all over the palaces, as you know. Or crowbar. I'm sorry. Crowbar is what he used. Crowbar. Crowbar. Crowbar. Also all over the palaces. He was when he broke into the palace, hit the witness over the head, had to drag him out, bury him, empty his pockets. One thing he didn't count on was that his chair, the ambassador's chair, had an engraving from the White House. Our culprit in committing the perfectest crime was also unraveling a conspiracy involving the White House trying to get this crown for themselves. Fearing for his life, he took the money he had, stored it in his freezer. Knowing that not only was he about to have the police after him for his crimes, but the entire force of the U.S. government to conceal their part in this. Don't you see? Alright, there you have it. If you haven't counted on, I'm giving a point for every time you end it with, don't you see, it's the perfect crime. And then I would deduct a point if you've missed any of the clues. So I'm keeping track of it. There are now six clues. There are now six clues on the field. And there was poison. Oh, fuck, you missed the poison. Hey, hey, I remember. I called it out before you did. He told on himself. I caught, I caught it. Nope, nuh-uh. You'd already said, you already said, don't you see, it's the perfect crime. But don't you see, it's the perfectest crime. No, no, no, no, that's not it. That's not it. Okay, good. Alright, delightful. Bob, your turn. I'm gonna go to the only other place that we haven't checked out yet. Just out of pure curiosity. I go to the east. Alright, in the east, you see a door, there is a keyhole, and there's a light switch. Well, I know if I go and peer into the keyhole, so I'm just gonna stab me in the eye. So I'm gonna check out the light switch. Alright, okay. The only thing you can do with the light switch is flip it. So, are you flipping it? Yeah, I flip it. Really fast. Without looking at anything. I just start going. Eventually my wrist gets tired and it's kind of like, and then I give up. What you're seeing is the lights go out, but instead of. Instead of it being total darkness, you see a purple glow emanate in the room, and you see the fraction, for a fraction of a second, you see weird shapes and like, you know, things glowing here and there, but you're like. And then eventually you settle with it off, and you hear the following message. Congratulations, detectives. I didn't expect it to take you that long, but I would have been more disappointed if you didn't make it. Like a baby learning to walk. But now it's time to. Time to run. You didn't think it was just one step, did you? I'm afraid there are layers. And now you must weave the story of my crime together. Take the clues that you had and add them to what you see. But the real question is, which step came first? Did you start at the beginning? Or did you start at the end? The only way forward is to. Discover more clues. I've left you everything you need. More clues. More. Bloody herring. I truly hope to see you. On the other side. But if I don't, then it only proves my point. Or maybe. I'm already seeing you. Right now. So, in the darkness, there's suddenly these strange glowing spots around the room. All, you know, in all the four cardinal directions. On the floor, ceiling. Are they moving? No, so they're just like static spots all around. No, they're not moving. Everything's still static. Nothing's changing. There's not like, you know, a baby mobile of lights going around. It's just everything's static. It's black light, so it would reveal certain things. I changed pants. That's true. You guys haven't looked at each other yet. Can I perceive anything? Or are they just purple spots? Are they like too far away? Or are they. You still have to look in a direction. So, as soon as it goes off, wherever your head goes first, that's where you're gonna. I immediately look towards Wade when the lights turn off. Because I panic and I'm pretty sure he's the criminal. He's just gonna kill me. Alright, so Wade is up north. Well, I guess that wouldn't matter. You're looking at Wade. I guess it wouldn't matter where he is. Yeah, I start flipping the lights and when I realize, I'm like, Wade! And I stare at him. Yes, Wade's hands. His hands are glowing. Interesting. They just do that. My immediate suspicion is, because I know that black light reveals bodily fluids, Wade must have been touching himself. But then I realize, that's not what we're doing here. That's not what we're doing here. That's unrelated. He probably was, but this is something else entirely, obviously. So, what happened was, the criminal is not Wade. For $5, I'll show you the perfect distinction. Time. Hank joined BJ's Wholesale Club the day he became a father of 30. I coach football. Now, Coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices. 30 pounds of pasta, 3 cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. And that's just pregame. He knows teamwork, and BJ's knows savings. This is your home, Coach. Home of the Save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for 6 months. Open soon. Limited time offer, new members only. BJ's. Home of the Save. Home of the Save. That'll be Wade's sequel to this game. That's like the adult version of it. This is like, this is apples to apples, and that's the Cards Against Humanity version. Our criminal used the crowbar to pry open the safe in the ambassador's house to get the blue crown. For the purposes of posing. As the blue prince. The blue prince, uh, fake blue prince, our criminal, was planning to attend, on that very same evening, the gala at the White House. As we all know, the White House has lots of galas. This isn't a totally normal thing for White Houses to do. And the blue prince had a plan to murder his mother, the Red Queen. And so he took his stealth shovel, the size of which we have not yet discussed, and coated the tip of it. In the perfect poison that he had, uh, hence, brewed and brought with him in a tiny vial. And so the criminal, across his back, strapped his widely known tactical shovel that he was wont to carry around, especially to galas. The blue prince, with his blue crown and his tactical shovel, made his way into the White House. He sauntered up, casually, to the Red Queen, made sure that he happened to just, like, be a little rowdy, and turn, and bump her, and cut her right on the arm, with the edge of his tactical shovel, which was a thing that he had done many times as a child, and so it wouldn't be weird at all for him to do it now as a fully grown adult man. Or woman. I guess it is "blue prince." I mean, probab--whatever. So anyway, the poison was thus delivered, and it was at that point that the, uh, the blue prince needed to make an escape, and needed to do so in character, and the blue prince is known for stealing something from every party that he attends, and so the blue prince just started rummaging around and at one point picked up a crowbar no i used that already why did i do that that's exactly not what i was leading towards rummaging around had a seizure for a second looked at a crowbar and changed his mind and then sat in a chair and declared loudly for the entire gala to hear this is my chair now i sat in it and i farted in it and so it is mine this is how we claim chairs in my kingdom so it is mine and the blueprint snapped his fingers and two royal guards came in and without the blueprints getting out of the chair they picked up the chair and the prince and unceremoniously carried him out of the gala and everyone was kind of like god i fucking hate that guy and his mom was like i know i know but we have to invite him i'm john i did my best and everyone kind of looks at her and is like yeah and anyway so that's how we got the chair but the chair having the criminal's fart freshly upon it was placed in our chamber here and while we were unconscious purely as a red herring and because it was pretty funny the criminal farted a whole bunch more into the chair and then took wade's hands and just went and so the reason wade's hands are glowing is because they have misleading fart clue all over them do farts glow under blacklight oh wait sorry you're not done after all that the criminal positioned our bodies for us to wake up in the chamber and right as they were about to leave and certainly not as an afterthought they looked at the chair and thought oh that's weird you know it felt a little pointy when i sat on it and they sort of looked and there was like a cut in the edge of the upholstery and they peeled it up and there was just a cube of cash in the chair they didn't even expect that to happen and they're like oh shit oh god and they just took the cash out of the chair and stuck that in the freezer because they were like who would look for clues in a freezer and so that's why the cash was in the freezer don't you see don't you see it's the perfect crime all right there you go that's that's the stuff i think you got everything i'd almost i gotta be have a better system of tracking the items and i'm gonna put in a time limit on your deductions to make it harder on you yeah after my turn just you wait yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna put in a time limit on your deductions because whoa i'm gonna put a two minute timer on this from here on out all right wade wade it's it's uh it's your turn is anything glowing in my area the north wall so you look there no there's nothing glowing i can tell you that but also i won't let that consume your clue i hadn't thought about that part of if you could look where there's something not glowing okay i just wanted to see if there was something i was gonna investigate something if it was but since i'm over here anyway even though it's not glowing i'm gonna take a look at the desk take a look at the desk okay it's two minutes and a half who dark to see anything is that his clue no well i'm just letting you know black light mode is like a different mode for the room okay so we can only investigate things that are glowing when it's in black light mode yeah yeah yeah yeah it would help if i told you where like some general no you'll figure it out so you keep looking you stumble around in the dark i am currently on the north wall i'm going to move toward the nearest glow whether it's up down or up and right another wall they're all equidistant i move toward the one on my left if you're facing east okay all right it's the fucking door and the light switch why are you following me get the fuck out of here is there any kind of glow from the keyhole can i look through the keyhole uh nothing is bob glowing you're looking at bob is that your thing if yeah if i can't see him yeah bob has chin corners of his mouth on his decolletage top of his shirt a little bit so but the clue is bob's glowing mouth area our culprit broke into the white house with a crowbar planted the crown of the blue prince and stole money to send a message and to leave a mistrail of motive the actual target in the white house was killed with an untraceable poison then taken out buried with a razor kept his cold hard cash for later i thought my glowing hands were going to be a red herring whenever i looked at my rival and saw that he had a glowing nasty face i understood that not only was it not a red herring but our glowing hands and mouth face were actually part of a bigger clue our culprit is not only committing the perfectest crime but they're a pervert don't you see it's the perfect crime did you forget a whole bunch of shit are you done i think you forgot a whole bunch of shit are you done i think you forgot a whole bunch of shit are you done i think you Poison, crowbar, shovel, money, crown, chair, glowing hands, Bob Stain. I know all those things. Wait, was the shovel used? The target was killed with the poison, then buried with the shovel. Yeah, for some reason in my head, I was trying to keep track of it, but you're so quick. So I only need to give you guys one minute. Perfect. That's great. I don't know. We're going to keep adding things to this. Okay, Bob. I head back to the kitchen to see if there's anything glowing to look at over there. Is there anything on the stovetop that's glowing? Because you've looked in the fridge, the fridge is open, and there is a glow in the fridge. Ooh, I peek back in there. It says, look in the cupboard. Do I get to do that, or is that the whole clue? That is. That's the problem there. I see where the problem is. In the same continuous motion. I don't stop at the fridge. I see that it says that, and I go, oh, and keep scooting right on over to the cupboard. I think, yeah, you should be able to do something. I feel like that's a special thing. I'm not choosing to do that. I triggered a trap card, and now I'm like, oh, in the cupboard. It says, look on the ceiling, because the cupboard is open. You guys conveniently did this in a way, I think. And then you obviously continue to look up at the ceiling. And it says, look under the body. Oh. I look at the floor to see if there's a body? Too dark. We don't know where that is, do we? No. Do I get to take any additional actions? Okay, all right. I'm going to go ahead and say you would turn the light on, because you're like, if you're following this trace, like ping pong ping, look down, and you can't see it, so you would go turn the light on, right? Then you see. There's a body on the floor in the center of the room, which has been there the whole time, is a body. We're not very good detectives. I knew that was a mislead. I disregarded it off the rip. Yeah, me too. I don't know. Both of you dismissed it as too obvious. Perfect crime wouldn't leave a body. Clearly, it's a. All right, I'll give you one minute. The criminal clearly brewed the poison, coated the edge of the shovel, broke into the ambassador's house, stole the cube of money and the blue crown, put on the blue crown and the shovel to pose as the blue prince, got into the gala at the White House, accidentally bumped into a Red Queen with the poison, thus killing her much later, sat in the resolute chair to make the escape. Wade was actually one of the guards, because Wade was already secretly stalking the criminal, and has not revealed that yet, and that's why his hands are all colorful, and that's also why my mouth is colorful, because once we were here, the chair was here, Wade was here, the criminal was here, the shovel was here, and the criminal had used a crowbar to knock me unconscious, and then when I was still unconscious in the room, they wiped my face all over the fart chair, because they thought that'd be really funny, which it was, to be totally fair, and then they took the body of the other guard and laid it in the middle of the room. Don't you see? I'll give you that one just because I think I started a little late, so I think you had a little extra time for that. Oh man, can't wait to see it. Can't wait to squeeze in more than that in one minute. All right, the story's really gonna have to get tighter, I see, I see, I see. Okay, does that mean, just for clarification, does that mean the body, you investigated it there? So, or is there still more to see? I have not looked under it, we just learned that the body is there. Yeah, I'm counting the body is a clue, and then there's something else. Watching Bob when the lights were turned off, did it seem like he went to most of the lights? I couldn't tell you that, yeah, but I will, okay, I'll say you've got vastly more things you haven't seen with the light on than with the light off. All right. You don't say. I'm gonna go back to the north wall, there's only one thing left to look at there, right? I think I looked at the desk, right? There's a couple things, you looked at the chair. You look at the chair, you couldn't look at the desk because it was dark, you tried. It was dark, okay, I want to look at the desk now that the lights are on. You'll notice that there are two drawers on the side of the desk, that's of the thing of note, the other thing of note, it's also the resolute desk, it's actually the resolute desk. I will pick the closest drawer, the one closest to the front. They're top or bottom, so it's like, drawer one or drawer two? Closest to the front, what the fuck? Top drawer, drawer one. Okay, one, okay, drawer one, okay. You open up drawer one, and you see what appears to be a shrink ray. Okay. Don't laugh. Don't laugh, it's the clue. This is a very serious crime. Well, just the description of what appears to be a shrink ray has me. I mean, I'm not calling you an expert in what metaphysics or whatever it would be that actually applies to a shrink ray, but in your eyes, you're like, huh, I've watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. That sure looks like a shrink ray. As a swift action, can I try to use it on myself? You know, my game didn't account for that, but you know, I say, why not? I guess. Alright. Boom, you shrink. It is, in fact, a shrink ray. Everything that was, I guess, previous height is now out of reach. I see the error in my ways. Yes, but you can see under the desk, I guess. Maybe. There's nothing under there. Don't even bother looking. Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the resolute chair, but stole money to give motive. Money that was in the resolute desk. The actual target was killed with the poison, undetectable. The body, taken, buried with a shovel. This vast amounts of money were shrunk with the shrink ray in order to compact it down, in order to get it back out. Then put into the freezer. My glowing hands, Bob's glowing chin, I thought a red herring. But, culprit, also a pervert. Did he use the shrink ray for more? I think we're onto something. We're gonna find out what's in that other drawer, and find out exactly what he shrunk, other than the money itself. Don't you see? I love it, but I'm gonna give you one warning, because all you did was mention Bob's glowing mouth and insinuate something. Gotta tie that in. Gotta tie that in harder. But I'll give it to you this time. Alright, Bob. I have to look under the body now, right? I did all of that. I have to look under the body now. So, you roll the body over. You notice multiple things. He is still wearing pants. You see two things that seem to be in his front left and front right pocket, but also underneath him. You see a hole with a mound of dirt that is clearly has been dug up. It's different than the concrete of the rest of the area. It's like a freshly dug pile, or maybe freshly buried something. Which of those things is technically the clue I need to concern myself with in crafting my new story? I don't know. I think you can choose one to investigate if I had to guess. You can probably investigate the hole or one of the two pockets. Wade could then make a stretched out dive for the other thing, I guess, if he thinks it's gonna be worth it, but yeah. Is the shovel within arm's reach? I'd like to take the shovel and carefully, without touching the clearly poisoned edge, start digging up the hole, the disturbed earth thing to see what the hell's going on in there. You dig it around, you shove it around, and you go, TINK! That's not right. And so you start digging out, you pull out a, uh, a, a ledger, right? Like, it's a ledger of documents that, look like financial documents, and as you start flipping through, you notice that the numbers don't add up. It's all nonsense, and every single one of them is signed with the initials GWB. Okay. I know what happened. Three, two, one. Our criminal used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house and break into safe number one and steal a cube of money and break into safe number two and steal the blue crown and then break into safe number three and steal the ledger. And the ledger was swapped out because GWB, of course, is Grace Whittingham Bellworth, the name of the accountant for the ambassador. Then, posing as blueprints with his poison shovel, he goes into the gala at the White House, bumps into a queen, Red Queen, kills Red Queen, realizes halfway in that one of the guards, realizes his mistake, kills that guard with the shovel as well, but beats him to death really quickly, uses the shrink ray he always keeps in his back pocket to shrink that guard down and hide him in the drawer of the Resolute Desk, sits on the Resolute Chair and makes a whole stink about it and gets his guards to carry him out of the Resolute Chair. On the way out, he's like, I need the desk, too. The desk matches. I get the chair and the desk, and he takes the Resolute Chair and the Resolute Desk with him as they leave, and he did the thing where he shoved my face into the chair. I had that last time already. All right. Ah, almost, almost, almost, but. Don't you see? It's a perfect cry. All right, so I'm deducting a point because it was out of the time for your glowing mouth and Wade's glowing hands. I didn't catch either of those. He carried him in the chair. Does that not carry over? Okay. I was presuming it was the same story as last time, but I didn't say it that time. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't specifically called out, so I'm going to deduct a point for that. So you just lost two points on that one. All right. I like the sequential number of safes that just had all the valuables in it. Ambassadors have lots of safes. Everybody knows this. All right. All right. Wade, your turn. Yeah, I'm starting to write a novel here, trying to remember all these clues. Okay. I'm going to check drawer number two. Wait. You can't reach it. I climb up the leg. All right. Okay. This is actually going to work out really well for you. You open drawer number two. Man, you guys are so sequential in your things. You find what appears to be a growth ray. Okay. Oh, wow. Look at that. You're lucky I didn't make one of these a gun. You're like. I'll test this on myself. You go, oh, thank goodness. After struggling to open the drawer, you only opened it a sliver because obviously you couldn't have opened it all the way. You climbed into the drawer. You're like, oh, thank goodness. You somehow managed to. Because there's probably a charge-up sequence. I'm giving you this one. You press the trigger. Runs over towards the barrel. Hit me, baby! Hits you. You're inside the drawer. You blast the Resolute desk into pieces as you get splinters all over your body. But you're, hey, you're big again. Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinters so they hurt less? No. All right. Theory time. Oh, no, no, no. Hold on. Phone. Not you. Not you. Not phone lady. Theory with a T-H. Hey, theory. Three, two, one, go. Former President George W. Bush broke into the White House where he used to live with a crowbar and planted a blue crown on the Resolute chair near the Resolute desk, but stole a ledger that was there to cover up his crimes. The accountant that had found the ledger and was using it was then killed with an invisible poison. The body was taken and buried with a shovel. The money was shrunk with a shrink ray, put into the freezer, where it was then expanded again with the growth ray. Because there's just so much money. My glowing hands were a red herring as are the initials that could point to me, GWB, when it in fact means President Bush. They were coded while I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival, who also was a victim himself, because our culprit was also a pervert, hence the nasty stains and glowing white all over his chin, mouth, neck area. It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but, don't you see? Nailed it. Nailed every facet of it. That's one beautiful point for you, man. The growth ray at least fit in with my he shrunk the money. It all ties in. It all ties in. I like it. It makes a lot of sense. Alright. Bob, back to you. I'm still over the body. I have the hole, and now I have two pockets. I reach for the body's left pocket on my right. So, like, they would put their left hand in their left pocket. I wrote this specifically. In the left pocket, there is a fake, ID. A fake employee ID, or fake credentials for a man named Wade. Is it an ID, like, uh, just a driver's license, or like an identification for a certain place? Uh, it's an employee ID. So all it has is a name. It doesn't have a picture. Okay, but we just don't know what it's an employee for. Like, what business or anything. I didn't think that far through, man. Oh, okay. Sorry. I apologize. Wait, hey, let me reveal something to you. I didn't write the crime, guys. Oh. I didn't write the crime. Do you think that was a correct answer that we were building toward? Yeah. Do you think that there's a- that I've got a right answer that you guys are going for? No. That's not the point of it. It's just a tag that says, my name is Wade. Yes, that's what it is. I work at business. Okay. Three, two, one, go! Criminal used the shrink ray to break into the ambassador's house, shrank the front door, but used the growth rate to grow it back up so it fit back in. Shrank the door on the one very large safe out of which they withdrew a ledger side by Grace Wittenham Bellinghouse and replaced with a forgery the block of money and the blue crown. They take the blue crown, they coat the shovel in poison, they go as the blue prince into the gala at the White House, kill Red Queen. They realize while they're there that one of their two guards they brought with them is famous detective Wade and realize they're going to have to deal with that on the way out. So they're in there, they do the kill mom, they do the whole thing, they sit in the chair, and they make a whole stink, and they take the chair and the desk with them, and on the way out, as they're outside, finally alone, the blue prince looks at his two compatriots and is like, who are you? And one of them has an ID that says Wade on it, so he kills that one, and he shrink rays the body, and then they get back here, and he growth rays the body so that it's the normal body, and then he takes my unconscious face and wipes it all over the fart chair, and then also, Wade's hands are glowing because of the fart chair, and he touched it a lot. Don't you see? Oh, God. Why is that so hard to do? Fucking hell. I don't know. man i don't know i i can't confer i need to care did you use the crowbar in your because that used to be the safe thing and you did the shrink ray on the safe door instead of the crow i think you missed the crowbar i have if i'm gonna be honest i was gonna have him kill not wade with the crowbar and then use the shrink ray but i just said he killed him and didn't say that he killed him with the crowbar so i did intend that but i did not say it we gotta self stop self-reporting bob i'm here i'm here to play to win but only if i can win fair and square okay i don't want a cheap win i'm gonna i'm gonna give you the point for don't you see it's a perfect crime because my timer is a little you know early for you guys so uh but i'm gonna deduct a point for the crowbar back to wade i think the only other thing i haven't looked over over here is the fireplace the desk is done and gone i'm gonna look at the fireplace with two reasons one it's not been investigated and two to burn out the splinters inside of me because wood is flammable you know what else is flammable hopefully not my glowing hands to say the human body oh well i'm hairless so i'm not too worried about that okay all right then in the fireplace you see the remnants of burnt pieces of money it's burnt all over it's like someone shoved in a giant brick of cash into this fireplace but burned it okay uh this fits into my narrative just give me a moment to figure out how and where there's so many elaborate steps to the perfect crime it all fits together you're the greatest detective you can piece the puzzle i got i understand i i the pieces i see the numbers around me the equations they're all starting to blend i think i'm ready for this all right three two one the perfectest crime wasn't always intended to be the perfectest crime but it was a response for you see former president george w bush's money was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what bush had done so bush broke into the white house with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the chair keep going sorry stole the ledger covering up his crimes the accountant both for knowing and for doing what he had done was targeted and killed with a poison his body taken and buried with a shovel the only thing left other than the crown was the wade name tag to lead away from mr bush with another w name the money was shrunk the the bunny not burned the money taken from the white house shrunk put in the freezer where it was then reversed with the growth ray because there was so much of it my glowing hands red herring as the as are the initials that could point to me they were coated while i was unconscious throw off my idiot rival but revealed our culprit was a pervert when i saw his glowing chin don't you see it's the perfect crime i think you got it when wade does it he's talking slow and it feels like he has an hour and a half and when i do it i feel like i could barely get three sentences out before a minute is up what the fuck i want to okay so wade or no sorry bob i have to look at what's in the right pocket i guess you're not gonna like it oh it's an employee id with the name bob i don't even need time to think i'm ready all right here we go three two one go the criminal is breaking into the ambassador's house they use the crowbar to break the front door they get inside to go to the one very large safe they use the shrink ray to shrink the door on the safe they steal the large pile of money the ledger to make sure nobody knows how much money is missing and the blue crown they return to their base they don their shovel coated in poison and their blue crown opposes the blueprints at the gala at the white house they go to the gala at the white house and on the way in they realize that one of their bodyguards they've hired is a notorious detective but he can't quite figure out which one it is on the way in uh bumps into mom poisons a red queen red queen later dies that's the real goal here but then to get away sits in the resolute chair makes a whole stick and is like i need this chair and the guards carry him out and that's why wade's hands are glowing and then he's like i need the desk too and they take the desk with him and as they get outside when they're finally alone he looks he says i know one of you is a great detective wade and wade takes one of the two ids he has his pockets what's this bob what's his weight he puts in the other guy's pocket and the other guy's like wait wait that's not mine and then the criminal kills the other person and that's the body i shrink the body they bring back to the time holy shit i got bad news bob i don't think you i don't think you burned the cash oh yeah i forgot what i was gonna do about that wade did that i don't what is even left to investigate there's a lot of stuff dude there's so many things we haven't looked at yeah there's multiple drawers there's multiple surfaces uh yeah there's a there's the rest of the kitchen oh yeah that's where i'm going i might have to throw out all of these clues everything but the kitchen sink perfect in the kitchen sink you notice there's something shiny in the garbage disposal you fish your hand in there brave as can be and you pull out an expensive looking watch engraved with the initials bmm got it three two one go former president george w bush was taking care of bob mr marley's money and it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what president bush had done so bush broke into the white house with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the resolute chair next to the resolute desk but stole a ledger to cover up his crimes he let the pocket watch with the initials bmm on it to betray his accomplice the accountant was targeted and killed with poison his body taken buried with a shovel as a for what he had done the only thing left other than the crown was wade and bob name tagging it and he was taken to the white house to call out us the world's greatest detectives to dare to try to solve this crime the money was shrunk and put in the freezer where it was then and re-enlarged with the growth ray and used with the shrink ray before there's just so much money my glowing hands were red herrings initials that could point to me they were coated while i was unconscious as was bob's face covered in glowiness because the culprit is also a pervert don't you see it's the perfect crime was the money burned i think so yeah george bush was watching marley's money that it was burned by the accountant oh you're right you're right that's that's so true that's so true i apologize that's on me i don't know if my story makes any fucking sense anymore but god damn it's my story look the crime is so convoluted so deep so multi-layered that it makes sense only when you see the full picture oh you like bob mr marley i couldn't think of anyone with the initials bmm other than bob oh i can't think of one person with initials bmm i can't imagine why i asked bob what his middle name was god i put so many clues to try to pit you against each other in both of the messages in both of the audio messages are like how do you can you trust the other person you're guys like nah i don't no clearly you do his mouth is dripping with blood his hand your hands are covered yes blood yes yes it didn't have to be semen it didn't have to be it could have been blood i didn't think about blood all right bob last last look okay you've almost got it all you've almost got it all am i allowed to go to the east and try and open the door uh yes you could try but it doesn't open it is in fact locked can i peer through the keyhole or is it not that kind of keyhole you can look through the keyhole but all you see is just an empty hallway i mean there's stuff we have not explored in the kitchen i think possibly but is there anything on the body i have yet to explore you set up the two pockets and the hole there was no other evidence of anything on the body uh i didn't unfortunately i didn't plan and everything for that uh so what you have is the there's still drawers in the science area oh yeah yeah yeah i think the stove top has also not been yeah there's the cooktop and then there's the kitchen counter with like one there's one drawer in the kitchen counter yeah i want to go to the science and look at the the drawer like the top drawer do you want to go to the science you open the top drawer oh god no it's i mean i'm just laughing because i don't know how the fuck you're gonna do this uh you find a green sultan's cap straight out of agrabah like sultan green it all makes sense it all makes sense got it three two one go the night before the perfect crime wade burned the money of the criminal in an attempt to save the world and he was killed by the criminal but the criminal would not be stopped the criminal and wade as an accomplice used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house they go up to the safe and use the shrink rate to shrink the door of the safe removing the money the ledger so that the money is secret and the blue crown they then take the blue crown and the poison shovel to sneak into the gala at the white house a sneak up next to mom boom poison mom's gonna die later but the prince has realized that one of his two accomplices is wade but that's why wade stuck a name tag with both his and his rival best detective in the world's name in the pocket of the other guy then prince sits in the chair makes a big shake claims the chair has his guards carry him out in the chair and says also bring the desk so they bring the desk uh when they get outside he confronts his bodyguards says one of you is a detective it looks in their pockets and no matter what he finds in the box of the one guy it says one of our names so he kills that guy and wade helps him kill that guy that's why wade's hands are glowy and then they shrink that body and they put it in the desk and they bring the desk of the chair back to the hideout and then they bunch ring the thing and oh something else oh yeah don't you see it's the perfect crime i definitely forgot something there fine did you remember to fart your face yeah he didn't you didn't get your glowing mouth uh the expensive watch and i think the newest edition the green sultan's cap i just have the clues like listed out with little notes of what like i did that too but i can't i didn't write them in the order that i'm telling the story so the moment i have to jump around it's like okay well i've never fucking fighting my place back on the list of shit i have in front of me can i just say we didn't do small talk but i was in the hospital for three days immediately preceding this can i just throw that out there with no context i'll give you a hospital point i was literally in the hospital friday night through yesterday afternoon oh i didn't know that you okay i'm fine i just can't remember this stuff in the lane that we're doing i was in physical therapy literally yesterday does that count no no other small talk will be allowed all right last clue i'm gonna look at the stove top you're gonna look at the stove top okay so in a pan there's a lidded pan i'm just gonna say you open you open it right i lift the lid in the pan is a burnt phone a burner phone but it's burnt i thought that was funny okay whatever fuck fuck i'm trying to make sure i don't lose any more points well bob you don't have to go again so you're you're okay so there's a burner phone that's been burned on the stove top is that not why they're called that because they're not called a smash with your foot phone okay all right ready wade no let's do it three two one go former president george w bush had bob marley's money it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning to show that he knew what bush had done so bush broke into the white house with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the resolute chair and a green sultan's cap on the resolute desk trophies of the many crimes he committed as president but he stole a ledger to cover up his crimes bush also left the pocket watch with bmm on it to betray his accomplice marley and point to him the accountant was targeted and killed with a poison uh his body then taken and buried with the shovel he then bush then burnt the burner phone he'd used to communicate with marley to cover up more evidence the only other thing other than the crown uh was wade and bob name tags left to call out the world's greatest detectives to dare them to try to come and solve this crime a shrink ray was used to shrink the money was put in a freezer then regrown with a growth ray my glowing hands were a red herring to point to me bob's face was all gross and nasty because the culprit is a pervert don't you see it's the perfect crime wow every piece everything put together is so is george bush the culprit george w bush is the perfect criminal george is the perfect criminal he's gonna think it he's gonna do it is it senior or junior i don't even know uh i didn't expect you guys to narrow it down to an actual suspect but i love it so this this last message might not make sense but uh here we go i know this isn't the outcome you wanted from the start there was never a world where you could actually solve my crime it was perfect for me to give you anything less than perfection would be a disservice to your skills i know this burns in your heart i know you regret the mistakes you've made and i know you strive for perfection to be me just as i once did but i warn you the road you to perfection is long and arduous if you were to ever attain perfection you would become just like real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess like a set of firestone all-season tires they're designed to deliver confidence inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride no matter the road season after season firestone all-season tires for durability and reliability you can count on just like people count on you firestone always dependable since 1900 i fucking love the image of george w bush sitting on a laptop in his ranch in texas just like this is gonna make him so confused all right well done well done guys well done you have not quite solved the perfect crime but wade you got really close i'm gonna he's gone well what the shit happened he got so mad he disappeared from existence guys i did the thing my microphone all right well the wind's almost over oh the episode's almost over all right uh i guess uh that that'll wrap it up i'll say before we go to the wheels or anything um well done uh that was very experimental i tried to plan a lot that a few things obviously didn't quite work out but i think at the end the objective that i wanted was there which is you guys kind of going crazy with clues i realized that i wasn't smart enough to come up with actually like a super well-written contrived perfect crime so i was like ah what if they're both going nuts trying to come up with what the perfect crime must have been i i think what i should do in the future is because it's kind of like all all these things are are just things that are kind of random and could point to anything so why don't i just actually make it random i'll have locations i imagine it's like cards or like clues in the location it's like a different version of clue and then people are piecing it together and then people can play it it's like they have to make their clues make sense or everyone's clues make sense but anyway so it needs tweaking though but i this this acts as a copyright for the perfect crime no one can take this idea from me i'm honest i'll show you it was a really fun time i don't know i sound like shit it was a good time however the stress of trying to remember and get all that shit out in under a minute fucking i gotta figure out an easier way for you guys to like get the get the items and all the different things but i i mean honestly it does need to be like cards that would really help if it was like i could have a hand of cards and i could put them in an order so that i could be like this one and then this one and then that because that was i was not able to remember that many things yeah yes no that would that would be huge yeah i have two and a half pages of notes i do too it didn't help well i had all the clues like kind of together with a little snippet of like what i wanted to put but i have a bunch of bullshit scribbles and what it goes on and on it's a bunch of nonsense uh but well done guys um yeah that was that was super fun so uh any any bounties i guess is being in the hospital a bounty that's not a thing is it you know what's really sad is i had one i was gonna do but i didn't actually accomplish it during the episode there's a wheel spin thing that's like most recently hospitalized i think is what i'm thinking of that's not a bounty yeah i don't know if we want to strive to be the most recent one look if i'm gonna i want to get paid in in distracted points if i'm gonna have to do it either way well all right if there's no bounties and we're gonna go right to the the score um so each of you basically i gave you the point for doing the don't you see it's a perfect crime at the end uh so you both got seven points from that you both got a suck ass point uh wade you got a point for write that down which i thought was funny because you wrote down uh but then both of you were writing down uh blueprints i give you a point for that when i was first adding points for things like that and there was too much to keep track of i couldn't add points in the middle of everything that was a an odd to blueprints right like yeah yeah it was it was kind of like the implication made me happy yeah yeah so uh and then minus one for um you missed poison so that puts you in nine uh bob you had the eight mama schmlonk made me laugh real hard then unfortunately you started losing a lot of points you uh you got a hospital points but you lost a total of seven points that sounds right or forgotten and items throughout so you netted two points uh in this game going into the final round so really it's anybody's game anybody's game it is always anybody's game be really sad for me and really funny for the content if golf rules cropped up now all right how many spins will we have just one it wants us to do all right three it is okay let's add in um uh kissed the judge's ass the most literally or figuratively i feel like if you did that literally you get the you win that one yeah yeah that's true but i don't think that's likely to happen it's figurative until literal spin number one of three shall we shortest wade congratulations you get that point all right it's just winding it up for golf rules on the third spin spin two of three come on baby give wade some more points doing best on new year's resolutions how you guys doing on those yeah wait not great for me because i have had the knee injury so i've not been walking yeah well i was hospitalized for a foot injury so the walking thing has been real hit and miss but i have i have walked a lot of times and i've been walking a lot of times and i've been walking a lot of times walked 105 miles so far this year i think that beats mine i'm probably at like 20 something and that's only ones where i've officially tracked as a workout so that goes to bop so number three this is where golf rules hits more viewers just give a point to viewers tmi point i don't think anyone's really done anything tmi this episode so let's oh i need to pee in my balls itch is that tmi that's a pretty normal amount of eye for this setting here best mental image okay so we have to pee in my balls No, no, no, no, it was, I'll rank this by the other one. I will say, Wade, you had a very concise storytelling. Bob had the gala, had like the shrinking and growing of the doors, and there was a lot more, I think, going on. Bob is a better storyteller than me. I would say he probably created the best imagery. So with that, we have a final score of 10 to 4. Congratulations, Wade. You. Are the winner of the perfectest crime. What do you have to say? I don't know what to say. Looking back, I don't know when I recorded the Going Nuclear episode, but since the middle of May, this is only the second time I've won. I've had a hell of a bad streak. But you know what? I'm bald, back on top, and I'm going to host the next episode. These things are facts. Couldn't have said it better myself. Bob? I think the actual perfectest crime, that took place here, was that Wade won this, and I still think there was something crazy happening with time, and time dilation, and some bullshit. Because I swear to God, I could not have talked faster. And Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time. And I don't understand how you did that. It doesn't make sense metaphysically to me how you did that. It seems like there was something crazy happening, and I am not going to say the word. It triggers the thing, but it just seems crazy. I will admit, there was a point in Wade's stories where I only had, like, four boxes checked, and he was halfway through his time, and I'm just like, "There's no way he'll get this." And then it was just like. And then he just said, like, one sentence where every word was a clue, and then it was like, "Oh, okay." I buried the burned body while the money shrunk-ray grow-ray, Freezer. Here are some things I saw while committing the crime. Shrink-ray growth-ray desk chair body. Oh. Anyway, that was very fun. I'm glad that worked, at least somewhat. There's some problems with that. If I ever do this again for the perfect-a-stir crime, and then obviously the perfect-a-stir-est crime, I will improve upon the formula or do something completely different. Who knows? Maybe I'll abandon this completely. It was very tabletop. Even when you play a tabletop game with very strict rules, there's still times where you have rules interpretations. That's all we had. It was well done. You did a good job. But I hope you all enjoyed it. I certainly did. I think it could get even crazier towards the end there if I tweak some things here. I don't want it to, man. I've got to take Excedrin after this. But thank you all so much for listening and watching. Follow the podcast to stay up to date on all of our episodes. And be sure to check out these guys on their various platforms, wherever they may be. LordMinion777, Minion777, or MyScrimForBob over there. Me, Markiplier. This has been Distractible. Podcast out. Tami regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college. 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