The Perfectest Crime

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I actually, you know, I can't spoil it, you don't even know who I am, I'm Markiplot. Inventor? If you're watching this in the future in some historical archive of the greatest podcast episode ever made, which is only this episode, it's me, the creator of the world changing 80, their brought world peace, or it destroyed everything even more than it already is, me, Markiplier, legendary host of the future greatest episode of Distractable that ever existed. Actually your podcast nickname in the future, Mark the creator,iplier. The legend. That's pretty good, yep, I'm gonna give you both a point for, uh, for, uh, so, kiss ass, sucka, I'll give suck an ass. Oh, hell yeah, I'll take it, I mean, you have, just have, just have what the fuck, I'll address it in small talk. Alright, that's good, uh, well too bad you guys, there is literally no time for small talk. This is going to be such a dense episode that there will not be an opportunity to discuss your lives because your lives are now on the line. Oh, also also it's Bob and Wade for anyone, also the future historians that are watching this. Yes, it's the legendary participants, the legendary, the legendary other two guys, also known as end friends for all time. It's Bob middle name, my skins, what's your middle, Martin, Wade, Wade Barnes, do you don't want to reveal your true name? No, I don't want people to know in George's my first name, that'd be helpful. I know the, the audience has been excitedly waiting for this to happen, but I think Wade and I are at least 60 as percent as excited as the audience is to see what exactly this is about to be. Well, Bob, I work in fractions, but that probably adds up to the percent you were talking about. Six tenths, sir. Yeah, I don't like the condense. Are you boys ready? Yes. I want you to close your eyes, mine, the one's on the front of your face. Yes. Everyone at home, you don't have to close your eyes, especially if you're driving, like please keep them open. Well, she want to really see what excitement is. You gradually wake up from a drug-induced sleep. You can't see. It's currently dark everywhere, even if you were to open your eyes. You closing your eyes right now is not the same as in the room. You could open your eyes, but just you can't see right now. Suddenly, a speaker crackles overhead and you hear the following. Rise and shine, rise and shine, I have to ask you a question. Is the tree falls in the first and the one is wrong to you yet? Then does it really not care who is holding the axe? You see, I have a problem; why crimes have become too perfect, no one will ever know. Surely I am not perfect, is that even possible? I am a criminal, I have perpetuated chaos, but it's no one knows. Why then would I even do it from the first place? That's why you're here, look around, in this place, I have committed a perfect crime. You don't know what you are, but you will, if you are as good as they say. If you're not, then no one will ever know of my crimes, and I was too. Perfect, solve a mystery with the clues I have left you. Detectives, some of them may be true, some of them may be false, it is up to you to differentiate the method from the bad move, but look carefully. Trust? Nothing. Trust? Everything? Can you really even trust? Perhaps only the most perfect detective could perpetrate the perfect crime of wrong detectives, and act quickly. Time is against you. You open your eyes, you're in a room, oh thank you, thank you, thank you, yes. And across from you, you recognize each other, the two greatest detectives in this day and age. You both are rivals, being for the top spot always at each other's, you know, backs, you know, trying to solve the biggest mystery. You've got, you can pick your own, I guess, detective names, I didn't really come always. You know, uh, and then wait, oh it's I'm spendwash, blank, you could be over you, you could be Bob, I guess, I wasn't claiming that one. But you're the greatest detectives that ever lived, you find yourself in a square room, and how this is going to work is I'm not going to describe what's in the room. Right now, what you guys are doing is you're going to take turns looking around the room. I will tell you where you have to pick a direction to look north east, south, west, wherever, and I will tell you what's in that direction. And then you'll, you'll differentiate the world room, it'll be like segmented off like that, there's north stuff in the north, north of the east, south, and west, and then in there, you can then search in something in that area or look somewhere in there, and you'll find a clue. And once you find that clue, you will then weave that clue into the story of what the crime is. You don't know what the crime is, you don't know how it was made, but you're going to figure it out because you're the greatest detective to ever live in. Also, you're trying to beat the other guy, right? You want to be better. So each of you is going to take turns. The only rule is that you have to end your rant with, don't you see? It's the perfect crime. That's what you have to end it is, right? You're going to write that down. Don't you see? Okay, now here's the thing, this guy, the person who left you, Gorgher or whoever or thing or monster or entity has is so good at crime. This is legitimately the perfect crime. They have laid the clues out in the exact order that they knew you would find it in. They knew you so well that they knew which clue you'd find before. So you have to keep the clues in order and you will be using the other person's clues that they find. You don't know who this is, you don't know what the crime even is, you have to start from scratch, but assume that you are equipped with some basic detectiveing things, magnifying glass. You've got a fingerprint kit for all the good that'll do you, you've got, you know, no book, you've got things that you can detect with, right? Okay. Does that all make sense? Yes. Yes. Now I'm going to flip a coin and I'm going to determine who's going to look and find the first clue. Head's way,ailbop, oh, guys off. Pillbop. Okay. All right. So Bob, once again, square room, northeast, south and west, look in a direction and then you'll see something. I'll tell you what's in there and then you can look for one clue and it'll, you can keep going until you find one clue. Now my mama, mama, mama. No, I'm not fucking committed to that for the whole of so gone. I do not have a southern exit that I can do for that long and I just don't. Yeah, I know. I know. It's very good. Anyway, I'll do what Schmennwar would have done anyway. I feel like I have to look south. Everything always starts in the south. Along the south. south wall is a half kitchen. There's a fridge, a sink, a stove, well, just a cook top. And like, I guess you could call it like a kitchen countertop with drawers. You said there is a fridge, right? Yeah, I have to start in the fridge. Learn a lot about a person from the fridge. Okay, gotcha. Fridge or freezer? Oh, yeah, top and bottom. If it's a top and bottom, you got to go freezer first on top. That's where the sketchy stuff goes. You open up the freezer and you find a plastic wrapped bundle of cash. $100 bills in stacks. And now I have to formulate my version of what the crime was. Yes, yes, that's your first clue. It's all clear now. It's all coming into focus. Don't you see? The criminal stole this cash. Don't you see? Understand. Alright, wait, your turn. Alright, so Bob and I are rivals. We are opposite of each other. I'm smart. He's stupid. I'm fat. He's bald. And Bob started in the south. So in order to be his polar opposite and be a true rival, I'm going to look at the West wall. West. Three for a second. Okay. Alright, okay. In the West, you see a small science looking setup. There's beakers and chemicals bubbling. There's like a table there with drawers as well. And then there's a standing wardrobe cupboard looking thing. And do I know Bob's clue? Milo, do you see his clue? Yes. Yeah. You're so good. You see what he's doing. Okay. You know, you're both, you know, that Sherlock Holmes detective mode thing, you know, piecing it all together. Okay. So whenever I formulate my hypothesis, it has to include his clue too. I understand. I'm going to look in the wardrobe cupboard thing. Okay, wait, actually, you have to look left door or right door of the cupboard. Well, I read left to right. So let's go right. Okay. You see a dirty, used shovel. I detective weighed. No. But the perfectest crime was committed. Money was taken from someone very well off and buried. But our criminal found himself in dire straits needed to access that money. They'll get up, laundered it, and put it in the freezer. So we have access to some cold, hard cash. Don't you see? Did you really have to check? Yes. All right. All right. Bob, it's your turn. Well, I have to stay in the south because I'm lazy. Let's let's progress to the refrigerator. You open the refrigerator and you see on the top shelf a blue crown, like lots of little sapphire gems. It's very elaborate. The fur lining around it is also blue. It's just a weirdly blue crown. Yes, it's all coming together. The criminal, of course, broke into the home of the ambassador, not from anywhere in particular, just the ambassador, so known person, and went to safe number one, expecting to find the sapphire crown of crowns, but found just a big old box of cash, which obviously they took. They went to safe number two, because they had contingencies, got it open, dirty shovel, clearly had been used to hide a body as the ambassador is want to do. Tuck it. You might need leverage. You know, only adds to the perfectness of the crime. And then, as they were on their way to safe number three, tripped over the crown, laying on the floor in the bedroom of the ambassador, clearly had been used as part of some sort of role-playing game, perhaps with a mistress, maybe with who knows, hard to tell. Anyway, that's what they were really there for. They statched the crown and they head in home. It's perfect. Don't you see? Okay, so am I repeating what Bob said about the ambassador, or is that just his? No, no, no, no, you. Okay, clues are what's important. Okay, got it. How the web is weaved is up to you. We're as as the clues pile on you and your genius is going to call him an idiot, and you're going to figure out what the real crime is. I am going to open the other wardrobe. Man, you guys are you guys are lazy. He's just looking in the safe spots. I should who goes to loot something's like, I better go across the room before I open the second. I don't know. I thought you might have some. Alright, you know, it's fun. You open up the other one and you find a crowbar, a battered and used crowbar. Any, any debris on it is just like dinged up. The paint's chipped up. It's been, it's to indicate it's been used. What for who knows, but it's clearly been used. Both ends are used up scuffed. It's old. My dear Dawson's I have come up with another hypothesis. You what? As a little baker street from Great Mouse Detective and his associate Dawson or Sherlock Holmes and you know his. I can't tell if it's a bit anymore. The guy with the creek, you know, Dawson, he had the creek. Yeah, no, I know that one. I'm familiar with that Dawson. I do like my rivals idea about the ambassador. I'm going to use the D ambassador, but the ambassador was visiting a trip to the palace of the monarch where the blue prince resided. I'm all too familiar with blue crowns with my time with the blue prince, the ambassador caught our culprit in the act of stealing this crown and haste the crowbar used to break into the building was also used to dispatch of our poor ambassador who was loaded with pockets of money. Ambassador was taken buried in a hole money removed from his pockets shoved into a freezer. So that way whenever our culprit needed access to cold hard cash, it would be cold. It would be hard and still cash. Don't you see? I do see, I do see, but Bob, I don't think that's the full story. No, no, I see something very different happening. I stand up from the refrigerator, slam it shut, gasp and then run with my arms flailing over my head to the west to see what the hell wades looking at. There's a science table, lots of science stuff, there's chemicals in beakers, there's drawers, a stack of drawers, and then there's the cupboard. The cupboard is open, way the standing in front of it holding a shovel and a crowbar. So I just start rummaging through the vials full of chemicals to see what's going on with those. What's being concocted, you have deduced with your detectives eye is one of the most deadly poisons known to man, silent, tasteless, odorless, almost the perfect poison, if not the perfect poison. What we're uncovering this far is only the pre-heist to set up the heist of all heists. We're not even not we're not even talking about the real crime yet. So clearly, so I think I was generally right about the first part. The crowbar was used by the criminal to make entrance into the ambassador's home. The cash was just picked up. The bastard is known to carry cash. The criminal just like a video game just went around picking up piles of cash and then wrapped it, put it in the freezer just in case. And the shovel was was found in the safe as described clearly leveraged over the ambassador. And the blue crown maybe was found in one of the saves. Maybe I missed right that, but the blue crown is the key. The blue crown was taken and is going to be used or was used. I guess this is supposed to have been perpetrated. It was used by the criminal to gain entrance into the gala. The criminal posed as the blue prince who we all know and have so much experience with. And I do have just as much if not more experience than Wade with because he's a liar and he exaggerates. Criminal posed as the blueprints and bought a small pen, all point pen filled with this tasteless, uh, odorless, perfect poison so that he could sneak into the gala, sneak up to the red queen, blueprints his own mother, jab her with the ballpoint pen unbeknownstly to her or anyone else and then slink away as the blueprints is known to do. He's a slinker and our criminal slunk away back to his hideout. And as perfection dictates, the queen died sometime later where no one could even understand how it was she came to pass and that's crazy. Where's the ballpoint pen from from? I don't have a ballpoint pen. What is a ballpoint pen? He just, he's in the, he's in the, he's in the ambassador to South. He was like, Oh, cash, cash and cash. That's your first warning. You added a clue that wasn't there. I'm not going to deduct anything. But yeah, that's your first warning. All right. Maybe it wasn't a ballpoint pen. And I like to say just that it's an implement. Maybe that will come up. I hope it's a fountain pen, just to spite you. Wait. Uh, don't you see? All right. Very, very good. Wait. Uh, Bob is, is in the West. Yeah. Well, it's time for me to move. We're going to go north. What was the North funny? I left because I thought that's where I was and then I thought for another second, it was like, nope, that's not where I was. He was just trading spots with beans. I'm just an idiot. I'm going north on this wall and swapping with Bob to look at the poison. In the north wall, there's an elegant armchair. There is a fireplace and there is a really, really nice old wooden desk. Like a bowpoint bed. So it's a really nice armchair too, I guess, and they're all really, really nice. I'm going to start with the armchair. He just wants to sit down. I see. I know. You look closely at the armchair and you notice an engraving on it that says from the White House. See, there's no name for the chair. The White House, but you know. The White House chair. The White House armchair. Everyone knows the White House armchair. Wait, I recognize that chair. Is that the chair that goes with the Resolute Desk? Yes, it is the chair that goes with the Resolute Desk. It must be called the Resolute Chair. Yes, it's the Resolute Chair. AKA Ben Franklin's ass warmer. Yes, yes, yes. You found the Resolute Chair. This fits into my narratives so well. Our culprit. Went to break into the palace. To steal the blue crown. When the blue prince, he was caught and bastard or other one. Grabbed a nearby shovel, which is always all over the palace, as you know. Our crowbar, I'm sorry, the crowbar is what he used to. Also all over the skulls. He was when he broke into the palace. Hit the witness over the head. Had to drag him out, bury him, empty his pockets. One thing he didn't count was that his chair, the ambassador's chair, had an engraving from the White House. Our culprit in committing the perfectest crime was also unraveling a conspiracy and evolving the White House trying to get this crown for themselves. Fearing for his life, he took the money he had, stored it in his freezer. Knowing that not only was he about to have the police after him for his crimes, but the entire force of the U.S. government to conceal their part in this. Don't you see it's the perfect crime. All right, here you have it. If you haven't counted on, I'm giving a point for every time you end it with, you see this is a program. And then I would deduct a point if you've missed any of the clues. So I'm keeping track of it. There are now six clues on the field and there was poison. Oh, fuck you, Mr. Poison! I called that up for you, dude. There was poison. Hey, don't know what I'm talking about. I caught it. Nope. You'd already said, don't you see it's the perfect crime. But don't you see it's the perfectest crime. No, no, no, no, no, that's not it. Okay, good. All right, delightful. Bob, you're turned. I'm going to go to the only other place that we haven't checked out yet. Just out of pure curiosity. I go to the east. All right, in the east, you see a door. There is a keyhole and there's a light switch. Well, I know if I go and peer into the keyhole, so I'm just going to stab me in the eye. So I'm going to check out the light switch. All right, okay. The only thing you can do with the light switch is flip it. So are you flipping it? Yeah, I flip it really fast without looking at anything. I just start going, eventually my risk gets tired and it's kind of like, and then I give up. What you're seeing is the lights go out, but instead of being total darkness, you see a purple glow emanate in the room. And you see the fraction for a fraction of second, you see weird shapes and like, you know, things glowing here and there where you're like, and then eventually you settle with it off and you hear the following message. Make it move. Right kid, baby. Move into the wall. But now it's time to run. You didn't think it was just one step. Did you? I'm afraid. And there are layers. And now you must weave the story of my crime together. Take the clues that you had and add them to what you see. But the real question is, which step came first? Did you start at the beginning? Or did you start at the end? The only way forward is to discover more clues. So I've left you everything you need. More clues. More bloody herring. My choice. On the other side. But if I don't, then it only proves my point. Or maybe. I'm already seeing you. Right now. So in the darkness, there's suddenly these strange glowing spots around the room. Oh, you know, in all the four cardinal directions on the floor, ceiling. Are they moving? No, so they're just like static spots all around. No, they're not moving. Everything's still static. Nothing's changing. There's not like, you know, a mobile, baby mobile of lights going around. It's just everything static. It's black light. So it would reveal certain things. I change pants. That's true. You guys haven't looked at each other yet. Can I perceive anything or are they just purple spots? Are they like too far away or are they? You still have to look in a direction. So as soon as it goes off, wherever your head goes first, that's where you're going to pull. I immediately look towards Wade when the lights turn off because I panic and I'm pretty sure he's the criminal. It's just going to kill me. All right, so Wade is up north. Well, I guess that wouldn't matter. You're looking at Wade, I guess it wouldn't matter where he is. Yeah, I mean, like I start flipping the lights and when I realize I'm like, wait, and I stare at him. Yes, Wade's hands are glowing. Interesting. They just do that. My immediate suspicion is because I know that black light reveals bodily fluids. Wade must have been touching himself. But then I realized that's not what we're doing here. That's not what we're doing here. That's unrelated. He probably was, but this is something else entirely, obviously. So what happened was the criminal is not Wade. For $5, I'll show you the perfectest time. We win sequel this game. That's like the adult version of it. This is like this is apples to apples and that's the cards against humanity version. Our criminal used the crowbar to pry open the safe and the ambassador's house to get the blue crown for the purposes of posing as the blue prince. The blue prince, fake blue prince, our criminal was planning to attend on that very same evening, the gala at the White House. As we all know, the White House has lots of gala's. This is a totally normal thing for White House's to do. And the blue prince had a plan to murder his mother, the red queen. And so he took his stealth shovel, the size of which we have not get discussed and coded the tip of it in the perfect poison that he had hens brewed and brought with him in a tiny vial. And so the criminal across his back strapped his widely known tactical shovel that he was want to carry around, especially to gala's. Blue Prince with his blue crown and his tactical shovel made his way into the White House. He sauntered up casually to the red queen, made sure that he happened to just like be a little rowdy and turn and bump her and cut her right on the arm with the edge of his tactical shovel, which was the thing that he had done many times as a child. And so it wouldn't be weird at all for him to do it now as a fully grown adult man or woman. I guess it is blueprints. I mean, probably whatever. So anyway, the poison was thus delivered and it was at that point that the blueprints needed to make an escape and needed to do so in character and the blueprints is known for stealing something from every party that he attends. And so the blueprints just started rummaging around and at one point picked up a crowbar. No, I used that already. Why did I do that? That's exactly not what I was leading towards. rummaging around that seizure for a second, looked at a crowbar and changed his mind and then sat in a chair and declared loudly for the entire galaxy here. This is my chair now. I sat in it and I farted in it and so it is mine. This is how we claim chairs in my kingdom. So it is mine. And the blueprints snapped his fingers and two royal guards came in and without the blueprints getting out of the chair, they picked up the chair and the prince and unceremoniously carried him out of the gala and everyone was kind of like, God, I fucking hate that guy. And his mom was like, I know, I know, but we have to invite him. I'm John. I did my best and everyone kind of looks at her and is like, yeah, yeah. And anyway, so that's how we got the chair. But the chair having the criminals fart freshly upon it was placed in our chamber here and while we were unconscious, he really is a red herring. And because it was pretty funny, the criminal farted a whole bunch more into the chair and then took Wade's hands and just went, and so the reason Wade's hands are glowing is because they have misleading fart clue all over them. Dude, Farts glow under black light. Wait, sorry, you're not done. After all that, the criminal positioned our bodies for us to wake up in the chamber and right as they were about to leave and certainly not as an afterthought they looked at the chair and thought oh that's weird I fell a little pointy when I sat on it and they sort of looked in there was like a cut in the edge of the upholstery and they pulled it up and there's just a cube of cash in the chair they didn't even expect that to happen and they're like oh shit oh god and they just took the cash out of the chair and stuck that in the freezer because they were like who would look for clues in a freezer and so that's why the cash was in the freezer don't you see it's the perfect crime alright there you go that's stuff I think you got everything I almost I gotta have a better system of tracking the items and I'm gonna put in a time limit some may get harder on you yeah after my turn just you wait yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna put a two-minute timer on this from here on out all right wait wait it's it's it's your turn is anything glowing in my area the north wall so you look there no there's nothing glowing I can tell you that but also I won't let that consume your clue I hadn't thought about that part of if you could look where there's something not glowing okay I just wanted to see if there was something I was gonna investigate something that if it was since I'm over here anyway now it's not glowing I'm gonna take a look at the desk take a look at the desk okay it's too dark to see anything is that his clue no black light mode is like a different mode for the room okay so we can only investigate things that are glowing when it's in black light mode yeah yeah yeah it would help if I told you where like some general no you'll figure it out so you keep like you stumble around in the dark I am currently on the north wall I'm going to move toward the nearest glow whether it's up down or at another wall they're all equidistant I moved towards the one on my left east okay all right it's the fucking door in the light switch why are you following me to fuck out of your is there any kind of glow from the keyhole can I look through the keyhole nothing is Bob glowing you're looking at Bob is that your thing if yeah if I can't see him yeah Bob has stains down his chin corners of his mouth on his decalitage top of his shirt a little bit so but the clue is Bob's glowing mouth area our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar planted the crown of the blueprints and stole money to send a message and to leave a mistrail of motive the actual target in the White House was killed with an untraceable poison then taken out buried with a shovel the money then taken and put into the freezer kept his cold hard cash for later I thought my glowing hands were gonna be a red herring whatever I looked at my rival in solid he had a glowing nasty face I understood that not only was it not a red herring but our glowing hands and mouth face were actually part of a bigger clue our culprit is not only committing the perfect is crime but they're a perfect don't you see it's the perfect cry did you forget a whole bunch of shit are you done I think you forgot all boys and crowbar shovel money crown chair glowing hands Bob stain I know all those things did you wait where's the was a shovel used the target was killed with the poison then buried with the shovel I think yeah for some reason in my head I was trying to keep track of it but you're so quick so I only need to give you guys one minute perfect that's great I don't know we're gonna keep adding things to this okay Bob I head back to the kitchen to see if there's anything glowing to look at over there is the is there anything unlike the stove top that's glowing there because you've looked in the fridge the fridge is open and there's a glow in the fridge oh I peek back in there it says look in the cupboard do I get to do that or is that the whole clue that is that's the problem I see the same continuous motion I don't stop at the fridge I see that it says that and I go oh and it keeps scooting right on over to the cupboard I think yeah you should you should be able to you should be able to you should be able to do something so I feel like that's like a special thing like I'm not choosing to do that I like triggered a trap card and now I'm like oh in the cupboard it says look on the ceiling because the cupboard is open do you guys conveniently did this in a way I think and then are you go you you obviously continue to look up at the ceiling and it says look under the body oh I look at the floor to see if there's a body too dark you don't know where that is do we do I get to take any additional actions okay all right I'm gonna go ahead and say you would turn the light on because you're like if you're following this trace like ping-pong ping look down and you can't see it so you would go turn the light on right then you see on the floor in the center of the room which has been there the whole time is a body we're not very good detectives I knew that was a mislead I disregarded it off the rent yeah me too both the dismissed and is too obvious perfect crime wouldn't leave a body clearly it's a all right I'll give you one minute the criminal clearly brewed the poison cone of the edge of the shovel uh broken to the Embatister's house stole the cube of money and the blue crown on the blue crown in the shovel to pose as the blueprints got into the gallant the White House accidentally bumped into red queen with the poison thus killing her much later sat in the resolute chair to make the escape Wade was actually one of the guards because Wade was already secretly stalking the criminal and has not revealed that yet and that's why his hands are all colorful and that's also why my mouth is colorful because once we were here the chair was here Wade was here the criminal was here the the shovel was here and the criminal had used a crowbar to knock me unconscious and then when I was still unconscious in the room that wiped my face all over the fart chair because they thought that'd be really funny what it was to be totally fair and then they took the body of the other guard and laid it in the middle of the room don't you see is the perfect crime I'll give you that one just because I think I started a little late so I think you had a little extra time for that oh man I can't squeeze it more than that in one minute all right the story is really gonna have to get tighter I see I see I see okay does that mean just for clarification is that mean the body you investigated it there so or do it is there still more to see I have not looked under it we just learned that the body is there yeah I'm counting the body is a clue and then there's something else watching Bob when the lights were turned off that it seemed like he went to most of the lights I couldn't tell you that yeah but I will okay I'll say you've got vastly more things you haven't seen with the light on the light off all right you don't say I'm gonna go back to the north wall there's only one thing left to look at there right I think I look at the desk right there's a couple things you looked at the chair you look at the chair you couldn't look at the desk because it was dark you tried it was dark I will okay I want to look at the desk now that the lights are on you'll notice that there are two drawers on the side of the desk that's that's the of the thing of note the other thing of note it's also the resolute desk it's actually the resolute desk I will pick the closest drawer the one closest to the front they're top or bottom so it's like drawer one or draw two closest to the front what the fuck hop drawer one okay what okay drawer one okay you open up drawer one and you see what appears to be a shrink ray okay what the laugh the laugh it's a clue this is a very serious cry well just the description of what appears to be a shrink ray I mean I'm not calling you an expert in what metaphysics or whatever it would be that actually applies to shrink ray but in your eyes you're like huh I've watched honey I shrunk the kids that sure looks like a shrink ray as a swift action can I try to use it on myself you know my my game didn't account for that but you know I say why not I guess all right in boom you shrink it is in fact a shrink ray everything that was I guess previous height is now out of reach yes but you can see under the desk I guess maybe there's nothing under there don't even bother looking our culprit broken to the White House with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the resolute chair but still money to give motive money that was in the resolute desk the actual target was killed with the poison undetectable the body taken buried with a shovel this vast amounts of money were shrunk with the shrink ray in order to compact it down in order to get it back out then put into the freezer my glowing hands Bob's glowing chin I thought a red hearing but culprit also a perfect did he use the shrink ray for more I think we're on to something we're gonna find out what's in that other drawer and to find out exactly what he shrunk other than the money itself don't you see it's a perfect crime I love it but I'm gonna give you one warning because all you did was mention Bob's glowing mouth and insinuate something got to tie that in got to tie the that in harder. But I'll give it to you this time. Alright Bob, I have to look under the body now, right? I did all of that. I have to look under the body now. So you roll the body over. You notice multiple things. He is still wearing pants. You see two things that seem to be in his front left and front right pocket, but also underneath him. You see a hole with a mound of dirt that is clearly has been dug up. It's different than the concrete or the rest of the area. It's like a freshly dug pile or maybe freshly buried something. Which of those things is technically the clue I need to concern myself with in crafting my new story? I don't know. I think you can choose one to investigate if I had to guess. You can probably investigate the hole or one of the two pockets. Wade could then make a stretched out dive for the other thing I guess if he thinks it's going to be worth it. But yeah, is the shovel within arms reach? I'd like to take the shovel and start carefully without touching the clearly poisoned edge, start digging up the whole the disturbed earth thing to see what the hell is going on in there. You dig it around, you shove it around and you go, think that's not right. And so you start digging out you pull out a a a ledger, right? Like it's a ledger of documents that look like financial documents. And as you start flipping through, you notice that the numbers don't add up. It's all nonsense. And every single one of them is signed with the initials. G W B. Okay. I know what happened. Three, two, one. Our criminal used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house and break into safe number one and steal a cube of money and break into safe number two and steal the blue crown and then break into safe number three and and steal the ledger. And the ledger was swapped out because GWB, of course, his grace, winning Ham Bellworth, the name of the accountant for the ambassador. Then posing as blue print, blue prints with his poison shovel, he goes into the, the gala at the White House bunch into a queen red queen kills red queen realizes halfway in that one of the guards realize his mistake kills that guard with the shovel as well. But beast of death really quickly uses the shrink array. He always keeps in his back pocket to shrink that guard down and hide him in the drawer of the resolute desk sits on the resolute chair and makes a whole stink about it and gets his guards to carry him out in the resolute chair on the way out. He's like, I need the desk to the desk matches. I get the chair and the desk and he takes the resolute chair and the resolute desk with him as they leave. And, and he did the thing workshop my face into the chair. I had that last time already. All right. Almost, almost, almost, but don't you see. All right. So I'm deducting a point because it was out of the time for your glowing mouth and Wade's glowing hands. I didn't catch either of those that he's he's he's he carried him in the chair. Does that not carry over? Okay. It's presuming it was the same story as last time, but I didn't say it that time. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously, it wasn't specifically called out. So I'm going to deduct a point for that. So you just lost two points on that one. All right. I like the sequential number of safes. Just add all the valuables that it does. There's ambassadors of lots of safes. Everybody knows this. All right. All right. Wade, your turn. Yeah. I'm starting to write a novel here. Try to remember all these clues. Okay. I'm going to check drawer number two. Wait, you can't reach it. I climb up the leg. All right. Okay. This is actually going to work out really well for you. You open drawer number two. Man, you guys are so sequential in your things. You find what appears to be a grow three. Oh, wow. Look at that. You're lucky. I didn't make one of these a gun. You're like, you go, oh, thank goodness after struggling to open the drawer, you only opened it a sliver because obviously you couldn't have opened it all the way. You climbed into the drawer. You're like, oh, thank goodness. You somehow managed it because there's probably a charge up sequence. I'm giving you this one. You press the trigger. Runs over towards the barrel. Hit me, baby. Hits you. You're inside the drawer. You blast the resolute desk into pieces as you get splinters all over your body, but you're, hey, you're, you're big again. Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinters? No. All right. Theory time. Oh, no, no, no, not, not, not, hold on, phone, not you, not you, not phone lady. Theory with a PhD. Hey, theory, three, two, one, go. Former president, George W. Bush broke into the White House where he used to live with a crowbar and planted a blue crown on the resolute chair near the resolute desk, but stole a ledger that was there to cover up his crimes. The accountant that had found the ledger was using it was then killed with an invisible poison. Body was taken and buried with a shovel. The money was shrunk with a shrink ray, put into the freezer where there was an expanded again with the growth ray because there's just so much money. My glowing hands were red herring. As are the initials that could point to me, GWB when in fact means president Bush. They were codable I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival who also was a victim himself because our culprit was also a pervert. Hence the nasty stains and glowing white all over his chin mouth neck area. It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but don't you see it's the perfect crime. Nailed it. Nailed every facet of it. That's one beautiful point for you, man. The growth, the growth ray, at least fit in with my he shrunk the money. You know, it all ties in. It all ties in. I like it. It makes a lot of sense. All right. Bob, back to you. I'm still over the body. I have the whole and now I have two pockets. I reach for the body's left pocket on my right. So like they would put their left hand in their left pocket. I wrote this specifically in the left pocket. There is a fake ID and in fake employee ID or fake credentials for a man named Wade. Is it an ID like just a driver's license or like an identification for a certain place? It's an employee ID. So all it has is a name. It doesn't have a picture. Okay, but we just don't know what it's an employee for like what business or anything. I didn't think that far through, man. Okay, I apologize. Wait, hey, let me reveal something to you. I didn't write the crime. Do you think that was a correct answer that we were building toward? Yeah. Do you think that there's a, that I've got a right answer that you guys are going for? No. That's at the point. It's just a tag that says, my name is Wade. Yes. That's what it is. I work at business. Okay. Three, two, one, go. Criminal used the shrink rate to break into the ambassador's house, shrink the front door, but use the growth rate to grow it back up. So a fit back in, shrink the door on the one very large safe out of which they withdrew a ledger side by Grace Wittenham Bellinghouse and replace with a forgery, the block of money and the blue crown. They take the blue crown. They put, coat the post shovel in poison. They Fred, they go as the blue prints into the gallon at the white house, kill Red Queen. They realize while they're there that one of their two guards they brought with them is famous detective Wade and realize they're going to have to deal with that on the way out. So they're in there. They do the kill mom. They do the whole thing. They sit in the chair and they make a whole stink and they take the chair and the desk with them and on the way out. As they're outside, finally alone, he looks at the, the blue prints looks at his two compatriots and is like, who were you? And one of them has an ID that says, Wade on it. So he kills that one and he shrink raised the body and then they get back here and he growth raised the body so that it's the normal body. And then he takes my unconscious face and wipes it all over the far chair and then also Wade's hands are glowing because of the far chair and he touched it a lot. Don't you see? God, that's how hard to do. Fucking hell. I don't know, man. I don't know. I can't confer. I need to consider. Did you use the crowbar in your, because that used to be the safe thing and you did the shrink ray on the safe door instead of the crew. I think you missed the crowbar. I have, if I'm going to be honest, I was going to have him kill not Wade with the crowbar and then use the shrink ray, but I just said he killed him and didn't say that he killed him with the crowbar. So I did intend that, but I did not say it. We got a self stop, self reporting, Bob. I'm here. I'm here to play to win, but only if I can win fair and square. Okay. I don't want a cheap win. I'm going to, I'm going to give you the point for don't you see it's the perfect crime because my timer's a little, you know, early for you guys. So, Bob, I deduct a point for the crowbar. Back to Wade. I think the only other thing I haven't looked over it over here is the fireplace. The desk is done and gone. I'm going to look at the fireplace with two reasons. One, it's not been investigated, and two, to burn out the splinters inside of me, because wood is flammable. You know, it also flammable. Hopefully not my glowing hands. I know to say that you win Bobby. Oh, well, I'm hairless. I'm not too worried about that. Okay. All right, then in the fireplace, you see the remnants of burnt pieces of money. It's burnt all over. It's like someone shoved in a giant brick of cash into this fireplace, but burned it. Okay. This fits into my narrative, just give me a moment to figure out how and where. There's so. many elaborate steps to the perfect crime, it all fits together. You're the greatest detective, you can piece the puzzle. I understand. The pieces, I see the numbers around me, the equations, they're all starting to blend. I think I'm ready for this. Alright, three, two, one. The perfect is crime wasn't always intended to be the perfect is crime, but it was a response. For you see, former president George W. Bush's money was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what Bush had done. So, Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar. Planted the blue crown on the "Jrrr, keep going, sorry." So all the ledger covering up his crimes. The accountant, both for knowing and for what doing what he had done was targeted and killed with a poison. His body taken and buried with a shovel. The only thing left other than the crown was the weighed name tag to lead away from Mr. Bush with another W name. The money was shrunk, the money not burned, the money taken from the White House shrunk, put in the freezer, where it was then reversed with the growth tray because there was so much of it. My glowing hands red herring as the initials that could point to me. They were codable, I was unconscious, throw off my idiot rival, but revealed our culprit was a perfect when I saw his glowing chin. Don't you see? I think you got it. When Wade doesn't, he's talking slowly and it feels like he has an hour and a half and what I do it, I feel like I could barely get three sentences out before a minute is up. What the fuck? Yeah, I want to, okay, so, wait, or, no, sorry, Bob. Well, I have to look at what's in the right pocket, I guess. You're not gonna like it. Oh, it's an employee ID with the name Bob. I don't even need time to think I'm ready. All right, here we go. Three, two, one, go. The criminal was breaking into the ambassador's house. They used the crowbar to break the front door. They get inside to go to the one very large safe. They used the shrink right to shrink the door on the safe. They steal the large pile of money, the ledger to make sure nobody knows how much money is missing and the blue crown. They return to their base. They don their shovel coated in poison and their blue crown opposes the blueprints of the gallon at the White House. They go to the gallon at the White House and on the way in, they realize that one of their bodyguards they fired is a notorious detective, but he can't quite figure out which one it is on the way in. Bob said to mom, Poisons are red queen. Red queen later dies. That's the real goal here, but then to get away sits in the resolution chair makes a whole stick and is like, I need this chair in the guards carry him out. That's why we tend to like, and then he's like, I need the desk too and they take the desk with him. And as they get outside when they're finally alone, he looks, he says, I know one of you is a great detective. And Wade takes one of the two IDs he has his pocket once his ball puts his way. He puts it the other guy's pocket and the other guy's like, wait, wait, that's not mine. And then the criminal kills the other person. And that's the body. I shrink the body. They bring back the headquarters. It's the don't you see. Holy shit. I got bad news, Bob. I don't think you I don't think you burned the cash. Oh, yeah, I forgot what I was going to do about that. Wait, did that? I don't know. What is even left to investigate? There's a lot of stuff. Dude, there's so many things we have looked at. Yeah, there's multiple drawers. There's multiple surfaces. Yeah, there's there's the rest of the kitchen. Yeah, that's where I'm going. I might have to throw out all of these clues, everything but the kitchen sink. Perfect. In the kitchen sink, you notice there's something shiny in the garbage disposal. You fish your hand in there. Bravis can be and you pull out an expensive looking watch engraved with the initials. BMM. Got it. Three, two, one, go. Former president George W. Bush was taking care of Bob Mr. Marley's money and it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what president Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the resolute chair next to the resolute desk but stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. The pocket watch with the initials BMM on it to betray his accomplice. The accountant was targeted and killed with poison. His body taken buried with a shovel is a for what he had done. The only left other than the crown was Wade and Bob name tags to call out us the world's greatest detectives the dare to try to solve this crime. The money was shrunk and put in the freezer where it was then and re enlarged with the growth ray and used with the shrink ray before. There's just so much money by glowing hands or red herringes initials that could point to me. They were coated by was unconscious as was Bob's face covered in glowiness because the culprit is also a perfect don't you see it's the perfect crime. Was the money burned? I think so, yeah. George Bush was watching Marley's money that it was burned by the accountant. Oh, you're right, you're right. That's that's so true. That's so true. I apologize. That's on me. I don't know if my story makes any fucking sense anymore, but God damaged my story. Look, the crime is so convoluted, so deep, so multilayered that it makes sense only when you see the full picture. Oh, you like Bob Mr. Marley. I couldn't think of anyone with the initials BMM other than Bob. Oh, I can't think of one person with initials BMM. I can't imagine why I asked Bob what his middle name was. God, I put so many clues to try to pit you against each other. Both of the messages and both of the audio messages are like, how do you can you trust the other person? You're like, nah, I don't. No, clearly you do. His mouth is dripping with blood. Your hands are covered. Yes, blood. Yes, yes, it didn't have to be semen. It didn't have to be. It could have been blood. I didn't think about blood. All right, Bob. Last, last look. Okay. You've almost got it all. Am I allowed to go to the east and try and open the door? Uh, yes, you could try, but it doesn't open. It is, in fact, locked. Can I peer through the keyhole or is it not that kind of keyhole? You can look through the keyhole, but all you see is just an empty hallway. I mean, there's stuff we have not explored in the kitchen, I think, possibly. But is there anything on the body I have yet to explore? You set up the two pockets and the hole. There was no other in her evidence of anything on the body. Uh, I didn't, unfortunately, I didn't plan everything for that. Uh, so what you have is the, there's still drawers in the science area. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the stove top is also not there. There's the cook top and then there's the kitchen counter with like one, there's one drawer in the kitchen counter. Yeah. I want to go to the science and look at the drawer, like the top drawer. Do you open the door? Oh god. No, it's, I mean, I just love it because I don't know how the fuck you can do this. Uh, you find a green Sultan's cap straight out of Agraba, like Sultan green. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. Got it. Three, two, one, go! The night before the perfect crime weighed burned the money of the criminal and attempt to stifle them, but the criminal would not be stopped. The criminal and weighed as the accomplice used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house. They go up to the safe and you have to shrink right a shrink the door of the safe, removing the money, the ledger so that the money is secret and the blue crowd. They then take the blue crown and the poison shovel to sneak into the gallant, the White House, a sneak up next to Bob boom, poison, mom's going to die later. But the prince has realized that one of his two accomplices is weighed, but that's why weights stuck a name tag with both his and his rival best detective in the world name in the pocket of the other guy that brings sits of the chair makes a big stick claims the chair has his guards carry him out in the chair and says also bring the desk so they bring the desk. Uh, when they get outside, he confronts his body guard and says one of you is a detective elusive their poxets and no matter what he finds in the pox of the one guy, it says one of our names. So he kills that guy and weighed helps him kill that guy. That's why weights hands are glowing and then they shrink that body and they put it in the desk and they bring the desk and the chair back to the hideout and then they bunch break the thing and oh, something else. Can't don't you see is the perfect crime? I definitely forgot something there. Fuck. Did you remember to fart your face? Yeah, he didn't you didn't get your glowing mouth, the expensive watch and I think the newest addition, the green sultans cap. I just have the clues like listed out with little notes of what like I did that too, but I can't I didn't write them in the order that I'm telling the story. So the moment I have to jump around it and it's like, okay, well, I've never fucking fired in my place back on the list of shit I have in front of me. Can I just say we didn't do small talk, but I was in the hospital for three days immediately proceeding this. Can I just throw that out there with no context? I'll give you a hospital point. I was literally in the hospital Friday night through yesterday afternoon. Oh, I didn't do that. You okay? I'm fine. I just can't remember the stuff in the thing we're doing. I was in physical therapy literally yesterday. Is that count? No, no other small talk will be allowed. All right, last clue. I'm going to look at the stove top. You're gonna look at the stove top. Okay, so in a pan, there's a lidd pan. I'm just gonna say you open the open, right? I lift the lid. In the pan is a burnt phone. The burner phone, but it's burnt. I thought that was funny. Okay, whatever, fuck, I'm trying to make sure I don't lose anymore points. Well, Bob, you don't have to go again. So you're you're okay. So there's a burner phone that's been burned on the stove top. Is that not why they're called that? 'Cause they're not called to smash with your foot phone. Okay, all right. Ready, Wade? No, let's do it. Three, two, one, go. Bush had Bob Marley's money. It was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning to show that he knew what blew Bush had done. The Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the resolute chair and a green sultan's cap on the resolute desk. Trophies of the many crimes he committed as president, but he stole a ledger to cover up his crimes, which also left the pocket watch with BMM on it. The betray is accomplice Marley and point to him. The accountant was targeted and killed with a poison. His body then taken and buried with the shovel. He'd then, Bush, then burnt the burner phone he'd used to communicate with Marley to cover up more evidence. The only other thing other than the crown was Wade and Bob nametags left to call out the world's greatest detectives to death and try to come and solve this crime. A shrink ray was used to shrink the money, was put in a freezer, then regrown with a growth ray. My glowing hands were red herring to point to me. Bob's face was all gross and asked because the culprit is a pervert. Wow. Every piece, everything put together. This so is George Bush, the culprit, George W. Bush is the perfect criminal. Oh man. Is the perfect criminal he's going to think it. He's going to do it. Is it senior or junior? I don't even know. I didn't expect you guys to narrow it down to an actual suspect, but I love it. So this last message might not make sense, but here we go. I know this isn't the outcome you want to detectives, the thing that's raised from the start. There was never a world where you could actually solve. My crime was a fact for me to give you anything less perfection would be a disservice to your skills. I know this burns in your heart and I know you strive for perfection to be me. Just as I was dead, but I want you alone to perfection is long and arduous if you were to ever attain perfection, you would have become just like me. I fucking love the image of George W. Bush, sitting on a laptop and his ranches, Texas just like this is going to make him so confused. All right. Well done, guys. Well done. You have not quite solved the perfect scram, but when you got really close, I'm going to he's gone. Well, what the shit happened. He got so mad. He disappeared from existence. Guys, I did the thing by microphone. Oh no. What the fuck? All right. Well, the wids almost, oh, the episode's almost over. All right. I guess that'll wrap it up. I'll say before we go to the wheels or anything, well done. That was very experimental. I tried to plan a lot, but a few things obviously didn't quite work out. But I think at the end of the objective that I wanted was there, which is you guys kind of going crazy with clues. I realized that I wasn't smart enough to come up with actually like a super well-written contrived, perfect crime. So I was like, ah, what if they're both going nuts trying to come up with what the pro crime must have been? I think what I should do in the future is because it's kind of like all these things are just things that are kind of random and could point to anything. So why don't I just actually make it random? I'll have locations. I imagine like cards are like clues in the locations, like a different version of clue. And then people are piecing it together and then people can play and it's like they have to make their clues make sense or everyone's clues make sense. Anyway, so it needs tweaking though, but this acts as a copyright for the perfect crime. No one can take this idea from me. I'm honest. I'll see. It was a really fun time. I don't know. It's not like shit. It was a good time. However, the stress of trying to remember and get all that shit out under a minute, fucking I got to figure out an easier way for you guys to like get the get the items and all the different things. But I mean, honestly, it does need to be like cards. That would really help if it was like, I could have a hand of cards and I could put them in an order so that I could be like, this one and then this one and then that because that was I was not able to remember happening. Yeah. Yes. Now that would that would be huge. Yeah. I have two and a half pages of notes. I do too. Didn't help. Well, I had all the clues like kind of together with a little snippet of like what I wanted to write, but I have a bunch of bullshit scribbles and what it goes on and on. It's a bunch of nonsense. But well done, guys. Yeah. Those super fun. So any, any bounties, I guess is being in the hospital, a bounty. That's not a thing. Is it? It's really sad as I had one. I was going to do. But I didn't actually accomplish it during the episode. There's a wheel spin thing that's like most recently hospitalized. I think is what I'm thinking of. That's not a bounty. I don't know if we want to strive to be the most recent one of us. Look, if I'm a, I want to get paid in, in distract points, if I'm going to have to do it either way. Well, all right, if there's no bounties and we're going to go right to the, the score. So each of you, basically, I gave you the point for doing the, don't you see it's a perfect crime at the end. So you both got seven points from that. You both got a suck ass point, uh, wait, you got a point for write that down, which I thought was fine because you wrote down, uh, but then both of you were writing down, uh, blue prints. I give you a point for that when I was first adding points for things like that. And then there was too much to keep track of. I couldn't add points in the middle of everything. That was a, the nod to blue prints, right? Like, yeah, yeah, it was, uh, it was kind of like the implication of me happy. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, and then minus one for, um, you missed poison. So that puts you in nine, uh, Bob, you had the eight mama shmong, made me laugh real hard. Then unfortunately, you started losing a lot of points. You, uh, you got a hospital point, but you lost a total of seven points. That sounds right. I've forgotten an item throughout so you've united two points, uh, in this game going into the final round. So really it's anybody's game. Anybody's game. It is always anybody's game. Be really sad for me and really funny for the content of golf rules, crop up now. All right. How many spins will we have just one? It wants us to do three. All right. Three it is. Okay. I'm going to add in, um, uh, kiss the judges, ask the most literally or figuratively. I feel like if you did that literally, you get that you win that one. Yeah, yeah. That's true. But I don't think that's likely to happen. It's figurative until literal spin number one of three, shall we? Short. It's weighed. Congratulations. You get that point. All right. It's just winding it up for golf rules on the third spin, spin two of three. Come on, baby. Give way. Some more points doing best. I knew your stress solutions. How you guys doing on those? Yeah. Wait. You guys do it. Not great for me because I've had the knee injuries. So I've not been walking. Yeah. Well, I was hospitalized for a foot injury. So the walking thing has been real hit and miss. I have, I have walked 105 miles so far this year. I think that beats mine. I'm probably at like 20 something and that's only ones where I have officially tracked as a workout. So that goes to Bob. So number three, this is where golf rules hits more viewers. Just give a point to viewers, you know, or TMI point. I don't think anyone's really done anything TMI this episode. So let's release. Spin that. Oh, I need to pee in my balls, it's that TMI. That's a pretty normal amount of eye for this setting here. Best mental image. Okay. So we have to pee in my balls. No, no, no, no, no, I'll rank this by the other one. I will say, Wade, you had a very concise storytelling. Bob had the gala had like the shrinking and growing of the doors and there was a lot more I think going on. Bob is a better storytellers than me. I would say he probably created the best imagery. So with that, we have a final score of 10 to 4 congratulations, Wade, you are the winner of the perfectist crime. What do you have to say? I don't know what to say. Looking back, I don't know when I recorded the going nuclear episode, but since the middle of May, this is only the second time I've won. I've had a hell of a bad streak, but you know what, I'm bald, back on top, and I'm going to host the next episode. These things are facts. Can I set it better myself? Bob? I think the actual perfectist crime that took place here was that Wade won this and I still think there was something crazy happening with time and time dilation and some bullshit because I swear to God, I could not have talked faster and Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time and I don't understand how you did that. It doesn't make sense metaphysically to me how you did that. It seems like there was something crazy happening and I'm not going to say the word, it triggers the thing, but it just seems crazy. I will admit, there was a point in Wade's stories where I only had like four boxes checked and he was halfway through his time and I'm just like, there's no way he'll get this and then it was just like, and then he just said like one sentence where every word was a clue and then it was like, oh, okay, I buried the burned body while the money shrunk Craig Roere, crazier. Here are some things I saw while committing the crime, drink Craig Roere, desk, chair, body. Oh, anyway, that was very fun, I'm glad that worked, at least somewhat there's some problems with that if I ever do this again for the perfect Duster crime and then obviously the perfect Dusterist crime I will improve upon the formula or do something completely different who knows maybe I'll maybe I'll abandon this completely. It was very tabletop even when you play tabletop game with very strict rules there's still times you have rules and interpretations that's all we had it was well done you did a good job but I hope you all enjoyed it I certainly did it got I think it could get even crazier towards the end there if I if I tweak some things here I don't want it too much I gotta take a center after this but thank you all so much for listening and watching follow the podcast to stay up to date on all of our episodes and be sure to check out these guys on their various platforms wherever they may be Lord minion 777 minion 777 or my screen for Bob over there me markiplier this has been distractable podcast out imagine setting your makeup then forgetting it's even theirs meet new grippies setting mist from Maybelline New York gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours with flexible all day comfy grip no tightness no stickiness no residue just plump dewy hydrated skin that still feels like your skin try new grippie setting mist from Maybelline New York maybe it's Maybelline