Speaker 1before your child goes back to school or starts school for the very first time there is one conversation which makes more difference than anything else most parents miss it not because they do not care but because nobody has told them about it and it is simpler than you might think i'm dr mary hann and this is how not to screw up your kids september is almost here and i want to give you something simple and genuinely useful before it arrives i want to talk about one conversation not a series of conversations not a program not a whole approach to preparing for september one conversation and i think it's the one not only within my family but with the families that i have worked with that has had the most change in their lives and i think it's the one that has had the most change in their lives and i think it's the one that has had the most change in their lives and i think it's the one that has had the most change in their lives and i think it's the one that has had the most change in their lives and i think it's the one that has had the most change in their lives significant difference on how children experience the transition back into school life and that's i think there's a really important sort of word within that last sentence it is a transition and we know that transitions can be challenging for children it's you're shifting from one way of being to another way of being now of course school if it's if your child is going back to school it's familiar they've been there they've done that before it's still a transition because they have spent a significant period of time at home with a different bedtime routine with a different structure and of course if this is first day back to school and you've got a child transitioning to secondary school a child transitioning to college transitioning to university or your child is transitioning from being at home full-time a child minder or they've been to preschool to full-time school and they've been to school for a long time and they've been to school for a long time the transition is huge it's massive so it's really thinking about that because here is what i think most parents typically what we typically do as parents and really focus our energy on in the weeks before september we buy the uniform we sort out their stationery if we need to we do any of the admin whether that's permissions around breakfast club whether that's permissions about buses we do the pe kit the lunchbox the book bag all of those forms and and genuinely all of those things are necessary they're part of an infinitely long list of things that we need to do i'm not trying to diminish that in any way but few parents have a deliberate warm unhurried conversation about how their child might actually feel about going back and this is why i think we don't do it because i think we feel particularly if our child is not expressing any concern or any worry is we sort of feel like if i have a child who's not expressing any concern i might plant a seed i might sow a seed that might make something a problem that isn't there or we sort of lull ourselves into a false sense of security that they seem to be okay so why would i want to bring this up and rock the boat i believe the gap between the practical preparations that we have for school and the emotional preparation can leave children going into september with a bucket that is already filling up with unspoken worry because they've had nowhere else to put it so today i'm going to guide you through the type of conversation what it is what it is not and exactly how to have that conversation with a child of any age at any stage whether they're starting reception beginning year 11 or year 12 13 or moving on to university so how might we know that our child needs this conversation well i think in many cases they are not going to tell you directly yeah they do not know how to say i'm anxious about september i'm worried i don't quite know why i've got a sense of unease so my view is that once you've listened to this my view is that probably every we could have this kind of conversation with every child there is no specific one i mean obviously if you've got if you already know you've got a particularly sensitive child you're not going to tell them directly yeah they do not know how to or one who's had a not the easiest of experiences last academic year then you definitely want to be having this conversation but i think it's a great conversation to have regardless our children don't necessarily know how to tell us directly and part of it is probably because they might not have the words for it and partly because a lot of children really actually don't want to worry us or seem babyish they almost feel like well i should be fine so i'm not going to bother anyone and i'm so instead i want you to think of some of these behavioral changes in the weeks before school goes back because this will give you more information about your child maybe you have a child who is a little bit clingier than usual maybe a child who started waking in the middle of the night or a child who started bedwetting a child maybe who is picking more fights being more difficult seeming irritable and maybe even flat at the same time a child who started asking questions that seem out of nowhere you know what if my what if my teacher is mean what if i do not have anyone to sit with what if i'm the only one who does not have doesn't know anyone they're quite these questions feel like they're random they're not they're anxiety looking for a way out or looking for solutions looking for control looking to understand and sometimes you know there may be a complete and utter absence of signals you know the they may not be irritable they may not be asking questions they may not be waking up in the middle of the night they may not be picking fights just you know it could be a child who seems completely unbothered yeah the child who says i'm fine i don't care i'm not worried but when when september comes up watch that the child who's saying that particularly because a total apparent indifference to a significant transition is worth a gentle curious check-in so i would encourage you to use this regardless so i just want to give a bit of context to what is anticipatory anxiety and why does it happen around school now anticipatory anxiety is exactly what it says on the tin it's that anticipation that knowing that something is happening and then anticipating all of the potential things that can go wrong and considering how all of that is going to happen and then anticipating all of the potential things that those different things might play out so that you know it in itself it is super super common because we know transitions by their nature involve uncertainty and children particularly children who worry particularly children who are sensitive and particularly children who have had difficult experiences at school are they are particularly vigilant and alert to uncertainty and to be honest with you as human beings we all like to have a certain sense of control to know what is going to be happening and of course that anticipation the anticipation if you think about it for most things that we do the anticipation is much worse than the actual doing it's the thought of it and all of the different scenarios that we play out once we're in it generally speaking this is the same for children it is easier but of course they've had a significant period of time at home on their holidays not thinking about it and they're not thinking about it and they're not thinking about it and then that whole anticipating it comes all of that rumination and those thoughts so when we talk about the bucket metaphor the bucket does not only fill with the things that have already happened it fills with the things we are worried about that might happen and an anxious child or a child who worries or a child who's particularly sensitive is you know lying in bed the week before school starts can fill their bucket almost to overflowing with imagined scenarios and that's what we're talking about and that's what we're talking about yeah not that this haven't happened yet they're just imagining them the friend who will not save them a seat the teacher who will be strict the work that will be too hard the detentions that they have been warned about happens when they forget their kit how big the school grounds are whether they'll be able to find their way around you know you can the list is enormous we can think of a lot that would then be doing that and research on anticipatory anxiety tells us that what reliably reduces this kind of fear is not reassurance and it is not distraction what reduces it is predictability and connection so knowing what to expect that's what predictability is knowing what to expect and knowing that the people who love them know what is going on inside them and so the conversation that we're going to be talking about is not a conversation that builds reassurance it is not a conversation that distracts but it's a conversation which builds towards predictability because that this conversation does does both of those things it does the predictability piece and it gives them that you know that absolute certainty that the people who love them know what's going on it opens up what is in the bucket and it reminds your child that they're not carrying it alone there is also something important about the timing in my view so having this conversation before September. So not in the car on the way to school on the first day gives your child time to sit with it, time for the anxiety to settle a little, time for them to ponder, time for them to consider things, time for them to come back to you and start further conversations, time for things that we say to land. So first day conversations are genuinely better than nothing, but they don't tend to have the same effect as a conversation that we've had in a calm moment in the week or so before. So I'm going to share five steps to how we can have that conversation and how we can use it to create that sense of predictability and that absolute knowledge that the support and love is there. So the first thing is, choose the right moment. The conversation doesn't need to happen at the dinner table with everyone present or at bedtime when they're tired or in a formal way which signals we are having a serious chat. Yeah, the kind of things like we need to have a conversation. The best conversations with children and teens, especially those conversations where we're going to have discussions about feelings, happen side by side, rather than face-to-face, maybe that's in the car, on a walk, doing something together in the kitchen, when nobody is making eye contact and there is something else to focus on, children are much more likely to open up. So think of those opportunities and utilise those. Pick a quiet moment in the last week or two of August, make it casual, make it low stakes. You're not sitting down for a therapy session, you are just talking. So that's the first thing. Pick your moment. Number two, start with curiosity. Not a question that they can say yes or no to. So that opener matters. The wrong opener closes the conversation before it begins. So questions like, are you excited about school? This has an expected answer baked in. They will either say, yes, I'm excited, or no. It's baked in that our expectation is that they're going to say yes. We might not mean it to be that way. But that's what happens. So that's not a great one. Are you worried about anything? This signals that there might be something to worry about. And it's also a yes, no answer. Yeah. So I wouldn't encourage you to use either of those, but instead use an opener that is like open and genuinely curious. So something like, I've been thinking about September starting. What is going through your mind about it? Yeah. So it's just a curiosity. You're not saying, are you worried? How are you feeling about it? It's just a curious opener. And of course, use your own language. So let me just say that again. I've been thinking about September starting. Or for a younger child, you might say, school is coming back soon. Tell me what you think about that. So use the, however you might want to phrase that. But these openers, they're different. They don't encourage a yes, no answer. They encourage a yes, no answer. They don't invite, they don't lead, and they give your child permission to say anything. Good stuff and the hard stuff. Number three, validate whatever they say. So whatever comes out of this conversation, excitement, anxiety, mixed feelings, or even, I don't know, an ashra or a shrug, your job is to simply validate it. Yeah. That makes complete sense. I would feel the same. Of course you feel like that. That is a normal thing to wonder about. Not, there is nothing to worry about. Not, you'll be fine. Not, it will be brilliant. Even if all of these things are true, saying them before you have fully heard and acknowledged what your child is feeling tells them that their feelings are wrong. That the right response to September is excitement, not worry. And if they are worried, they now feel wrong for being worried. So it's that real, we want to remember that. We want to. Validate first, always. The reassurance can come after once they feel heard, once they feel seen, once they feel we understand. And then when the reassurance comes and the predictability, which we will move on to, that will land much, much better. So number four, ask about the good stuff too. So once you've given space to the worries and acknowledge them, it is absolutely fine. In fact, I think it is really. It is really helpful to ask about what they are looking forward to. Is there anything about September that you are actually curious about or maybe a tiny bit looking forward to? So this is not diminishing or dismissing the anxiety. This is simply widening the picture. Most children, even anxious ones, have something they are looking forward to. Seeing a particular friend, enjoying a subject, a new teacher, the structure of returning after summer. school lunches, school puddings, the after-school club that they do, naming these things alongside the worries gives the brain a more balanced view of what September contains. And it models something important that you can feel two things at once. You can be nervous and also curious, worried, and also a tiny bit excited. It's not a contradiction. That is just how big experiences feel. So that is number four. Number five, end with certainty, not optimism. Okay. So let me really explain this one because this is, this I think is the crucial distinction of the things that I think we sometimes find ourselves falling into the trap of. And I think there's nothing wrong with optimism, but I think in the moments that we're having a conversation around that return and any potential worry, predictability will always, trump optimism in that moment. So the way that we close this conversation genuinely matters. And here's the distinction I want you to be able to make. Optimism sounds like it's going to be a brilliant year. You are going to love it. Yeah. Optimism requires the outcome to be good for the promise to be kept. And if, and if it is not, if September is hard, if there is a difficult week, your child's confidence that you understand their reality will take a hit. Because remember, the optimism requires the outcome to be good for the promise to be kept. If we are saying it is going to be a brilliant year, you're going to love it. And they do not, then we have basically broken that promise. Certainty, predictability sounds different. It sounds like this. I do not know exactly how September is going to feel, but I know this, whatever happens, we figure it out together. You're not, going into it alone. Yep. So can you see the distinction that that does? That provides certainty and predictability. I don't know exactly how September is going to feel, but I know this, whatever happens, we figure it out together. You are not going into this alone. This is not less reassuring than optimism. It is more reassuring because it does not depend on the outcome being good. It depends on the relationship between the outcome and the relationship that you have with your child being reliable. And that's something you can actually promise. Now, for most children, a version of this conversation, even an imperfect one will help. It gives the anxiety somewhere to go. It fills the bucket of connection and safety, which directly reduces the anxiety bucket. But for some children, September is genuinely very hard. And if your child had significant difficulties, it's going to be very hard for them to be able to come back to school. But if your child had significant difficulties in the last school year, maybe they were refusing to go in, persistent physical symptoms in the morning, extended periods of distress, please do not leave that support until the first week back. Contact the school before term starts. Speak to the SENCO, the form tutor, the pastoral lead. Let them know that your child found last year hard and that you want to work together from day one. They have information in advance. And if things do not improve in the first couple of weeks back, maybe speak to your GP. School anxiety that is persistent and significantly affecting your child's well-being warrants proper support. Now, that's everything for today. Be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be to your children. And you don't have to get it right every time. And the fact that you're here, learning and growing already says a lot. For more episodes and all the resources to support you, head to drmaryhan.com. I'm Dr. Mary Han. Take good care of yourself. I'll see you on Monday.
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