Speaker 1Today's episode, I want to do my reflection. So I want to bring to you my favorite, the highlights of my favorite speaker tapes, speakers in recovery that are sharing about their recovery side of things and how they stay content and happy and sober at the same time. These are talks that I listened to on podcasts from very prominent figures in the recovery community that have recorded talks over the years. These things, I, this is an understatement when I tell you that these talks save my ass day after day. I listened to these things. They helped me so much chain by changing my perspective on my life and on how I approach recovery. And so I got inspired by these talks that I listened to on podcasts from very prominent figures in the recovery community that have recorded talks over the years. These things, I, this is an inspired to do a series on, and we're going to start with this one on the highlights from these talks, the things that helped me stay sober today and help me live a better life, a more contented, sober life. I always say this, but I don't want to just be sober today. I want to be happy. I want to thrive. I want to grow. I want to try new things and challenge myself. I don't want, I'm not okay with just coasting along and recovery. I'm not one of those guys that you're just accepting everything and being okay with the way things are. I want to challenge myself and grow and put myself out there. And these talks help me do that. So I want to bring the highlights to you. And then I want to reflect on the passages that I've taken out of these talks. If you're interested in hearing the full talks, send me a message on Instagram at recovering out loud pod, and I will send them to you. I'm not going to post them publicly, but I am going to share with you. My favorite parts and reflect on them. And I hope you get something out of this because like I said, these talks helped me so much every day. They changed the way I look at the world. They changed the way I look at recovery, how I approach recovery. And without further ado, let's jump into it. So this talk was from a guy named Bob and he talks about resentment, fear, self-reliance versus trust. There's some faith stuff in here. If you hear me say the word God, just replace it with higher. Power. I just say God, because it's easier. If you're not there yet with the faith thing and it pisses you off and I'm not going to be spiritual because I don't believe in that crap. That's okay to have an open mind for this episode. This stuff helps so many people, this faith business and this higher power business, just take what you like and leave the rest focus on the similarities, not the differences. And if you're not into the faith stuff and the God stuff and the higher power stuff, I'll ask you this. How is that working for you? If you're not into the faith stuff and the higher power business, how is that working for you? I mean that in the most non-condescending way. How is that working for you? How is your life going without this reliance on a power greater than yourself? It doesn't have to be Jesus Christ. It doesn't have to be God. It can be the universe, the sun, the lake. It's a power greater than you. Okay. I'm done ranting on that. Let's get into it. Every resentment. So this is, so this is me. I'm going to read the line first, and then I'm going to reflect on it and put my opinion on it and what it means to me and how it helps me. And I'm going to read the line first, and then I'm going to reflect on it and put my opinion on it and what it means to me and how it helps me. Every resentment I ever had involves fear. Without exception, it is impossible to be angry without being threatened. This is an important line because it's important to, when we think about anger and resentment, it's always that person harmed me and I have a right to be mad. In this talk, this guy talks about how his wife cheated on him with somebody in recovery, and he was able to forgive both of them. It is a very powerful demonstration of forgiveness and accountability. He looks at his part and how it, he tries not to take the other person's inventory. It's, it's a beautiful lesson in forgiveness and acceptance. And every resentment I ever had involves fear. Yeah, absolutely. Anger is fear's bodyguard. When I am angry, there is some underlying part of me that feels threatened, that feels afraid, that little boy that doesn't want to get exposed, that doesn't want to get hurt, that doesn't want to get embarrassed. Every time I'm angry, there's something that I'm scared of. I'm either scared of not getting what I want or losing something I already have. Those are the two main ones for me. I have never lied because I'm a liar. I lied because I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of what you'd think of me. I was afraid you'd leave me. I was afraid of not being enough. That's why I lie. I love this. It's not, we're not shirking responsibility here and saying, oh, I'm not a liar. I didn't, I don't, you know, I it's, I don't lie because I'm a bad person and this and that. It's not my fault. We're not passing responsibility here. The important thing with this is to notice that you are not a liar deep down. I don't know you, but I'm going to estimate that you're not a liar deep down by nature. Fear, we are driven by a hundred forms of fear in alcoholism, in addiction. When we lie, it is because we are protecting something. I am protecting something when I lie. I am afraid that you are going to find out who I am if I tell you the truth. So I learned how to lie at a young age because when I told the truth in my head, this is my perception. When I told the truth, I would get in trouble because I was usually not doing things that were good. And I always overestimated the consequences as a child. My parents used to punish me, not physically. I had a great life growing up. They never put hands on me. They used to punish me by taking things away and taking away my agency as a kid. And I wasn't able to do things that other kids were able to do because I was a shithead running around doing stupid shit. I don't lie today because I'm a bad person. I lie because I'm afraid of what you think of me, what you'll find out. If I tell you the truth, I don't think you're going to accept me. And therefore I spin a story so that you will accept that version of me. Alcoholism and addiction is this, we're very good at presenting this stage character to the world, to our loved ones, to our family, to our friends. On paper, I'm doing really good. I'm functioning in society. Meanwhile, behind closed doors, I'm dying. And I don't want you to see that version of me. I'm scared of going outside. I don't want to hang out with people because I'm scared they're going to not accept me or judge me. And I don't even know it yet. When I come into recovery, I don't even know all this stuff. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. When I listen to other people share their experience and I think to myself, man, I'm just like that. Yeah. I never lied because I wanted to hurt people. I lied because I was afraid of the outcome. I was afraid of the consequence. I was afraid of you not accepting me, me not being enough. My head never projects good stuff. I never wake up in the morning and say to me, oh, Bob, they're going to love you today. I never wake up in the morning and say to me, oh, Bob, they're going to love you today. It always says the hideous stuff to me. And it's wrong. It's wrong all the time. Thank God it's wrong. Can anybody else relate to this spinning a story before I do things? Every time I have to do anything in life, I'm always telling myself it's going to be this or that. I don't want to go. People are going to be there. I don't want to see that person. It's going to be tough and annoying. And I don't want to do placement in September because I'm not getting paid and it's not going to be that way. I don't want to do placement in September because I'm not getting paid and it's What if you have to go and drive and do work? You don't have enough money to do that. What are you going to do? Thank God it's wrong. How many times, he says at some point in this talk too, how many times do you think it takes us to be wrong about things, to underestimate or overestimate the pain of events or circumstances or future planning? We're future tripping. How many times do you think it takes before we finally figure out that it's not going to be as bad as we think it is? It's not going to be the way we think it is, the way we're planning it in our head. I don't think that'll ever stop. I think it gets better and the voice gets quieter and my courage grows. I think I outgrow fear in recovery. I think my action takes over my emotions and I just do the next right thing after learning what the next right thing is by doing it repeatedly and watching others do it. I don't think it ever goes away. Don't listen to that voice in your head. It's about when he's talking, he's talking to his alcoholic friend on his deathbed and he's listening to his last final words. And he says, Bob says, when you get to this point in your life and you're on the home stretch and you look back over your life, it's not the things that you did wrong that you regret. It's the things you were afraid to try and the fear will steal. You will rob you of your very life. That is such a powerful, statement to hear from somebody on their deathbed. He's telling this as you're listening to another guy on his deathbed. talk about it. You're not, it's not the things that you did wrong. We all make mistakes. We're not going to be on our deathbed thinking about all the things we got wrong in life, all the mistakes we made. He was thinking in this moment, man, I wish I tried blank. I can't believe I was afraid to do that. I wish I did this. I wish I pushed through fear. Does that not sum up life in general? Pushing through fear success. The only difference between successful people and unsuccessful people. I read this online. This isn't me again, is the successful people were willing to look stupid. Often they were willing to try new things and fail. They were willing to look like a beginner repeatedly until they finally got good at whatever that thing that they were doing could be snowboarding, could be building a business. The other part of this too, is they were willing to ask for what they wanted consistently. So two things. So successful people are willing to look, to embarrass themselves, to look inadequate or like a beginner consistently. And they're also able to ask for what they want consistently until they get the answer they want from whatever that looks like, whoever that looks like. Everything you want in life is on the other side of fear. Plain and simple, full stop. How can I push through fear today to do things I want to do? That voice in my head that tells me, you need to partner this podcast with a rehab center. Go get it, go do it. Ah, and then the next, you know, I don't really feel like doing that. That's a lot of work. I don't want to be rejected. Pushing through that fear of rejection will change your life. And it's not a one-time thing. This is a repeated action that we need to take day in and day out. We do it when we first get sober. We push through that fear of maybe I'm going to embarrass myself. Maybe I'm wrong about how to get sober. Maybe I'm going to trust somebody else on how to get sober. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I'm going to do it anyways. It's the repeated behavior of that, that will get you further in life, in my opinion. Okay. I love this one. This is a great analogy. I'm a big analogy guy. Self-reliance, faith versus trust. So faith versus trust. He said, let me tell you the difference between faith and trust. If you went to a circus and you sat in the audience and you watched a tight wire act, you could sit in the audience and have complete and absolute faith that he would, he could walk across the tight rope, tight wire, pushing that wheelbarrow. But if you had trust, you'd get up there and get in the wheelbarrow. This is the antithesis of my faith practice with God and with spirituality. I can have all the faith in the world that that guy pushing that wheelbarrow at the circus on a tight rope is going to get across. He's a trained professional. I believe him. I think he's going to do it. I know. In fact, I know he's going to get across. The real work comes from getting my ass out of the seat as a spectator and getting in the arena, getting in the wheelbarrow. That is the, it's the same exact relationship with my higher power. I can have faith all day that things are going to work out, but until I do the next right action that is required that I think I need to do to achieve said goal, I'm never going to get there and trust that I'm not going to fall off the tight rope. I'm never going to get there. Faith is believing that the wheelbarrow is going to get across trust and knowing deep in my heart is getting in the wheelbarrow. Trusting in God, in the universe, in the higher power that I'm going to be okay. I'm not going to get what I want and I'm not going to get it in my timeline. I shouldn't, I should say this. I'm not going to get it the way I think I'm going to get it and I'm not going to get it in my time, but all will be well and I'm going to be taken care of. And usually I would say almost always God's plan in the long run is always better, bigger than I could ever have imagined. One door closes, another one opens and it's usually a much better door. It just doesn't happen when you want it to. I love this too. So this is a part of that, that analogy. When he said that, I thought, oh shit, get in the wheelbarrow. No, I don't want to get in the wheelbarrow. I want to read about getting in the wheelbarrow. I want to go to meetings and discuss getting in the wheelbarrow, but I don't want to get in the wheelbarrow. I'm afraid. How many of us do this? We talk all day about our relationship with our higher power, with our God, with our faith, with our recovery program. But we don't actually get in the wheelbarrow and do it and trust, put our lives in the man's hands at the circus. My not enoughness is the greatest thing I have going for me. If I was enough, screw God, screw you, screw my mentor, screw my sponsor, screw those recovery people. My failure and inadequacy and inability to run my life is the virtue I have. It's what brings me to the table or else why would I come to this party? If I don't need God, then I've got this under control. I could have gotten sober a long time ago without anyone's help. I've got this. My best thinking and my best judgment got me into hotel rooms all hours of the night using copious amounts of drugs with either by myself or with people I didn't want to be around and shouldn't have been around. I tried to do this thing on my own many times. I tried to do this thing on my own many times. I tried to do this thing on my own many times. I needed the help of a recovery community, of a higher power, of a program that I could practice and maintain my spiritual condition every day. That's just my experience. It's something you don't want to miss in my opinion. Okay, next we have, I don't really want him to remove the defect. This is God he's talking about. I want him, God, to take away the consequences. I want to hold on to the root, which is where I get the illusion of validation and security. And the problem is you can't get rid of one without the other. I like my defects of character. I want to hold on to them. I like my self-pity because I can snort it like a drug. It makes me feel superior or inferior. I don't want to remove my jealousy, my anger. They're serving me in some capacity from a fundamental level. My jealousy, my envy helps me get to where I want to get to in business and in life and financially at work. I want to hold on to it because the illusion of validation and security, I want God to take away the consequences of the behavior and not the actual behavior itself, the defective character itself. Sloth and being lazy and sloth and boredom serves me because it means I can sit on the couch. Anger serves me because I feel good about being angry at that guy. It makes me feel validated and secure and safe. Every defective character has a price and consequences. And it also has a cookie. It has a goodie attached to it. You cannot be defended and surrendered at the same time. They are mutually exclusive positions. I can't stand there with a shield and sword saying I surrender. And it ain't going to happen. I'm either doing one or the other. I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'm either surrendered or I'm fighting. I'm, I'm gripping onto something. I won't let go of whatever that thing is. I heard someone say this once, but everything I let go of every single thing I let go of, eventually I surrender has claw marks all over it. It has my nails, my fingerprints, my hair, my skin all over it because I won't let go of things. I want to hold it to the last second. That resentment, I want to hold onto it. That anger, I want to hold onto it. That guy did this to me. I'm right. He's wrong. I've never been hurt and or diminished from anything I've ever had to pay back. As a matter of fact, everything I ever had to pay back in amends has come back to me many, many times over. Every amends I've ever made has not diminished me. It has enhanced me a lot of the time. And I did a whole episode about amends, but we think that the amends is for the other person when it's actually for ourselves. I need to clear my side of the street to be a free man today, because if I don't, I got things on my back. I'm walking around with a weighted vest everywhere I go. There's a chain attached to my ankle, dragging a metal ball that weighs a hundred pounds. Because if I don't forgive people, if I don't clean my side of the street, I'm it's renting space in my head, man. And I'm thinking about it. And eventually I'm with the daily grind of life and life on life's terms. I need to clear my bandwidth, my mental bandwidth as much as possible. And I can only do that by making amends, by cleaning my side of the street, showing up and being a good person, not repeating the behavior and then amending the past behavior. Moving forward. The worst things about me and sobriety have become some of my greatest assets. Everything that has ever been wrong with me in my life and every mistake I've ever made will come to bear in a weapon against the disease of alcoholism. turning the negatives into a positives, positive. These are all learning experiences, man. That's, that's what this is. Every time I make a mistake, every time I screw up, every time I need to amend something in sobriety, in recovery, this is a guy talking. He has multiple years of sobriety. I think 20 plus we're going to make mistakes in sobriety. No matter how long you have, we're human. We're not solved of this alcoholism. It's not alcohol wasm. This exists. We are self-centered to the core. That is our, my defect, my, my default. Sorry. I have to work every day at rearranging this, at rewiring, unlearning old ideas that I am the center of everything. My plan is better than your plan. If you would only just listen to me, you'd be happy. If everyone would just follow my script, not tail, my bumper on the highway, let me in. When I try to let it, it's always about me and my plans and designs. So when I make mistakes in recovery, I can use that as an asset, as a learning experience going forward. Wow. I just found something out about something new out about myself. I really have a resentment towards rich people. When I see someone with a nice watch or a nice car, I really hate them. And I've done some work on this and found that it is because of my insecure attachment to finance. And money and my relationship to money is shit. I can't save it. I can't spend it properly and honestly and effectively and responsibly. I have to learn all this stuff. This debt in this past year and a half that has been going on in my sobriety has taught me how to be a responsible adult with money again, because I lost that. I had a shopping addiction. I was cross addicted to buying shoes at one point, all of these things, these. Negative things in my life have shown me positive outcomes, have shown me a new layer of myself. I have done, I've dug another level into myself. And I say this all the time. Recovery is about finding your true self and loving your true self. So we're peeling the layers of the onion away every time we make a mistake. Wow. I did that thing again. There must be some kind of fear or something underlying here. I better look at this. I better shine some light on it. Use it to your advantage. I'm this month, 25 years sober. And I want to tell you that I am more responsible today and need guidance and direction in my life today more than I did when I was three or four years sober because I have more to lose. And the longer the longevity I have in sobriety does not make my life more manageable by me. If anything, in my experience, it gives my alcoholic mind more information and ammunition to use to deceive me. I mean, how good is that? Here's a guy that's telling you he needs more help now more than ever. He needs help more now than ever. 25 years sober. He's still insane because he's honest about the way he acts in the world. Life isn't sunshine and rainbows. Defects of character will pop up and we'll make mistakes. The more I rely on God, my recovery community, higher power, the universe, the better my life is, the more independent I actually am. The more I depend on that power, the more independent I actually am. This is the great paradox. One of the great paradoxes of recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive illness. It is getting worse, not better, which means I am more progressed. My alcoholism has progressed more today. And it's getting worse, not better. And it's getting worse, not better. It is worse than it was a year and a half ago, 10 years ago. It's talking to me in different ways. This time gives my alcoholic mind more information and ammunition to use to deceive me, to justify things. This happened to me when I relapsed on ADHD medication. My brain knew how to trick me into doing this stuff. Cunning, baffling, powerful, patient. You might know what I'm talking about. This voice in your head that tells you it's okay to do things or you'd be happier if you were high. You'd be happier if you were drunk. That sobriety stuff is hard. Let's just go have one more. It'll all be okay. No one will know. It's all lies. Your brain is lying to you all the time. Be aware of it. It is not a curse. It is a blessing. You just have to see it that way. Okay. And then we're going to end with this last one, which is great. So Jim Jones had the mind of a chronic alcoholic. If you don't know who Jim Jones is, he's the guy that killed everybody. It's not funny, but he killed everyone with the Kool-Aid. He made everyone drink the Kool-Aid. And in that cult, I forget the name of the cult, Johannesburg, Johnsonburg. I don't know. I've got that wrong. Jim Jones had the mind of a chronic alcoholic. And Jim Jones's view of God's will for him was never checked against anything except his own alcoholic mind. If Jim Jones would have had a sponsor, at the very least, I'm sure his sponsor would have said, Jim, the Kool-Aid is a bad idea. What a great quote. It's easy for me to say, yeah, this is God's will for me. And this is the right thing to do. I need to check my plans and designs with other people. I saw someone posting on social media yesterday about trying ADHD medication in recovery. They checked it with their recovery circle. Now what they do next with that information is up to them. I need to be current and honest with at least one person. And in this world, one person needs to know everything going on in my mind, my plans and designs, my great ideas that I have to fix me. I need to get that stuff out and tell somebody I trust so that I don't convince myself that God's plan for me is to make everyone drink this Kool-Aid and kill themselves. I'm sure he thought it was a great idea and believed that it was the right thing to do. I need a recovery community to run this stuff by. And it's a simple as calling, picking up the phone and saying, Hey, Bob, Bill, Anthony, Doug, Hey, can I run something by you? What's your opinion on this? What do you think about this? What do you think about me getting into peptides or steroids? How do you feel about what would you do if you were feeling like getting on ADHD medication? And then listen to what they say. The more perspective you have in life on any decision, the better. Gather those perspectives and make your own decision that way. Please let me know if you like this style of episode. I want to do this with many more talks that I have that have changed my life from very wise people in recovery. I enjoy doing these kinds because it, every time I read this stuff, I've listened to the podcast already. I've that they've talked on. I reread the transcript and I'm, it just hits me even more. So if you like this style, please let me know if you don't like it. That's okay. Let me know too. If you're not following the podcast, please. I strongly, strongly, ask you recommend just follow the podcast, please on Spotify and Apple and YouTube, or just one of them. If no one's told you this yet today, I love you. And don't ever forget recovery is simple, not easy.
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