The Not-So-Invisible Man

Hey, I'm Tara Sarabhan and you're listening to World's Dumbest Criminals. If you're keen to hear about the most ridiculous, bizarre and downright stupid criminals and crime stories in the world ever, you've come to the right place. In today's episode, you'll be hearing about the exploits of a man dubbed Scotland's Dumbest Criminal, but dedicating his life to crime, despite being hilariously bad at it. Seriously, the things his lawyers came up with to explain his actions just got increasingly more absurd. It's stupidity at its best. Alrighty, let's get cracking. David McGregor is a dumbest criminal's MVP. If there were a world's dumbest criminal's Olympic games, he'd be representing Scotland and winning medals for his country. At the medal ceremony, he'd likely punch out the other winners, take their medals and try to steal the podium, all in full view of the world's cameras. That's just how David rolls. He earned himself the coveted title of Scotland's Dumbest Criminal in 2002 when he was 31 years old. David had broken into a house in Perth, Central Scotland, looking for valuables to pinch to fund his various drug habits. His mission was rudely interrupted when the resident arrived home and busted him stealing jewellery. When David saw them, he quickly swallowed three diamond rings, valued at £4,000 and high-tailed it out the window. It became evident that David was no park hallmaster when he slipped on the ice-covered window ledge and fell 14 feet to the ground below. Despite breaking a hip in one of his vertebrae, he kept making his getaway and even managed to climb a wall before collapsing from the pain. The cops came and arrested him for the burglary soon afterwards, but he swore black and blue that he hadn't stolen anything. The tree was taken to hospital and X-ray revealed the truth. The three diamond rings could clearly be seen sitting there in his guts. The police set up a bedside vigil waiting for the shining moment when the £4,000 worth of jewellery would be reborn into the world. But David's ass was as stubborn as an ass about it. It took five enemas and nine days before the highly anticipated moment arrived. "I shit you not," is probably what he said. Later in court, his solicitor David Holmes stated, "He had taken six different drugs at that time. His recollection of what he was doing is limited. Clearly, he was in the property and the rings were taken, but how the rings came to be in his body is something of a mystery to him. Is it?" Surely it's elementary my dear Holmes. The judge wasn't buying this cockamami bullshit either and sentenced David to 11 months in jail. The case prompted a policeman to declare David the dumbest criminal in the country, but he wasn't done yet. "Oh no, he was just getting started." During his downtime from being in the Pokey, David liked to pass the hours downing pints at his local pub. After an argument with another patron, he started feeling a bit choppy. So he smuggled an axe into the pub, hidden up his sleeve with nefarious things in mind. The combination of gravity and possibly gesticulating wildly caused the axe to come tumbling out of his sleeve onto the floor. And that's how he got himself a concealed weapons charge. Speaking to Vermilia Ground, David went to a co-op in his local area. He was such a regular there that he and the staff were on a first name basis. So they were probably pretty offended when he successfully paid for his shopping with a fake £10 note. They may not have even realised it was a fake if he hadn't happily proclaimed "I got a result!" to awaiting mate as he left the shop. Another incident involved him trying to use a stolen bank card to buy 400 cigarettes at a different local store. The staff was suspicious because the card he claimed was definitely his just happened to be in a woman's name. When not Pinch and Staff planning axe attacks and committing fraud, David dabbled in the drug dealing business. The cops may not have gotten onto this, but they were in the process of arresting him for another offense when they found 130 valium pills in his pocket. Sticking with the theme of getting away with some crimes until he was busted for other crimes, David was resisting arrest in an unrelated incident when stolen marks and spencer vouchers came cascading out of his pocket. In a letter to Perth Sheriff Court David said, "As you can see from the offences, I am guilty of stupidity." He also pleaded guilty to 85 offenses, including assault, fraud, attempted theft and breaching a community service order. After hearing about David's latest exploits and spending a few hours speed reading through his criminal record, the sheriff, which is like a judge in Scotland, said he had no option but to jail him. He was sentenced to nearly two and a half years. According to the Daily Record, David spent his time out of jail in 2010 doing a bunch of stuff that would get him sent right back there. Unlike some harmless near-do wells with drug habits who commit a lot of thefts, he had a violent side. On July 20th, David and a mate attacked a man with a set of keys in a Perth laneway. They smashed him in the face several times, causing numerous cuts and lacerations. A month later, dodgy David was mousy around on the lookout for more crimes to commit. He slithered his way into a building that housed a dentist office and cased out the joint in a suspicious manner. He noticed the dental office staff watching him, so he tried to hide from them, behind a door made of glass. When they approached him and asked why he was there, he said that he had a boil in his mouth and he wanted to make a dentist appointment. Staff told him they had no appointments left for that day and watched as he walked out of the office and made his way into a nearby house. The occupants were home and busted him entering their property. When they confronted him about it, he claimed he was simply looking for the dentist's office. In court, David Solicitor Paul Ralf said that his clients' illegal activities were caused by a reaction to Valium. He stated, "This can contribute to criminal behaviour as it can lead to invisible man's syndrome, where the person thinks they can not be seen by others." Now, I looked into that and found it's pretty much only used by defence lawyers in court. It's not really a thing. And even if it were, it doesn't explain why someone would rob houses and beat people up. David pleaded guilty to two counts of being found in buildings in circumstances which suggested he was likely to commit theft. After perusing his 19-page list of previous convictions, Sheriff Robert McCready said, "I have counted 183 separate offenses. If that is not a record in this court, then it must be approaching it." He jailed David for 382 days. In another incident, David was caught shoplifting after the police saw him stuff four bottles of whiskey down his pants. And on yet another occasion, he wore bright white gloves to break into an elderly woman's house. She caught him in the act and called the cops. They had no problem spotting him as he was still in the vicinity and wearing the white gloves. Seriously, you can't blend in when you dress like a mime. For his next trick, David stole a TV from a shop in High Street Perth. He didn't stick it down his pants this time. No, instead he wall-steamed, chucked the telly under his arm and tried to wall-spack out. Staff at the store prevented him from leaving and contacted the cops. I'm not sure which unlucky solicitor drew the short straw to end up representing him this time, but I think it could have been Paul Ralph since he went with the "Valueum" made him think he was invisible defense again. David was reportedly shocked to be sent back to the Poke for 13 months, with an extra 140 days added for his early release from a previous sentence. Sheriff Alice Debron told him, "As criminal records go, yours is one of the least impressive I have ever seen and I have been looking at criminal records since 1979." Well, that's a glass half empty attitude you got there, Sheriff Brown. As criminal records go, I think it's pretty impressive. Epic. Majestic even. David must have felt the same way as media reported he delivered a fuck-filled tirade towards the sherifers he was let off. 2014 was an interesting year for our old mate Dave. CCTV footage captured him stealing 600 pounds worth of sunglasses from boots. He was such a frequent flyer there that when staff saw the video they were like, "That's David McGregor! You know the dumb fuck who swallowed the diamond rings and jumped out the window? Help them five animals to get them back out again!" He was also arrested for sitting on a shelf at TK Max stuffing items inside his clothing. When they called him out on it, he told them that he thought he was on a fair ground ride. You know the one where you sit on a fucking shelf shoplifting? Can't remember what it's called. "Uh, no, wait, no, I can. Bullshit!" In court on these charges, he requested that a guard make him a cup of tea. When she refused, because that's not her job, he got all shoutty crackers and told her he was going to rip her face off. He copped an extra 145 days for that offense. In 2016, David went back to TK Max to have a go on his favourite fair ground ride, the bullshit excuse shoplifter. He got caught stealing £100 worth of perfume. He was also apprehended stealing 10 T-shirts from Gap and a mobile phone. His long suffering solicitor Paul Ralph went with the lethal weapon defence this time and said Dave was getting too old for this shit. Ralph stated, "He is at an age now where he knows he cannot continue like this. His body is going to give up on him if he continues. He is annoyed with himself, but he knows his fate. There is only one disposal open to the court with his record." The court was told Dave's list of previous criminal convictions was so long that it needed to be weighed instead of counted. And it seems Ralph agreed as he stated, "You will see from the weight of the record that he has been battling long against a drug problem." The sheriff sentenced David to a year back in his second home, Jail. Then maybe he took a little break from committing crimes or maybe he just took a little break from getting caught. In April 2020, an hour 48-year-old Dave was indulging in a spot of shoplifting when he got caught stealing from halphids. In an extremely comical turn of events, he made his getaway on a child's ride on toy that he stole. He couldn't go very fast on that, could he? He got 11 months back in the Pokey for this one. It's like he's the child of divorce. His parents are Jail and the outside world, and they both have 50-50 custody of him. Do you think the Jail just lets him leave his stuff there? Like do they keep his cell all set up the way they left it with a sign that says Dave's room on it? So when he comes back, everything's already there? It'd save him a lot of time if they did. By the end of 2020, David was out on the streets and back to focusing on his career as a shitty criminal. He's shiftily scurried into the high street branch of Marx and Spencer and stole 11 ladies' jackets worth more than 500 pounds. Solicitor David Holmes represented him this time. Paul Ralph must have noted out of there, changed his phone number, faked his death, moved to another country, anything to avoid representing this fool again. I can just imagine him scrolling through his roller decks of excuses and realizing that he'd use them all. He was so out of it, he thought he was invisible. He's getting too old for this shit. He couldn't see the officers because bees flew into his eyes. He thought the Jaguar was his. He was so high he believed he was SpongeBob Squarepants and the shop was under the sea. It was a Wednesday. His dog ate the Rolex. He stole the cigarettes to give to orphan children in Uganda. Dolphins kidnapped his grandfather. He's still mourning the death of Jeffrey Epstein. The potatoes were too dry. As a child, he was not allowed to have a picture of. He punched them into the ground because he has a deathly fear of those wacky waving inflatable flailing arm-trew menus, sea outside car dealerships. Oh, for fuck's sake, I just can't do this anymore. Get David Holmes to do it. I'm out of here. Sionara. Bitches. So, it was left to solicit a David Holmes to come up with a novel excuse to tell the court. He'd represented David before in the jewelry swallowing case, so he knew what he was getting himself into. He had told the sheriff. He had taken a substance thinking it was another substance and has very little recollection of what was going on. That's very much like what he said in the jewelry case. He had taken six different drugs at that time. Possibly realizing this as it came out of his mouth, Holmes clutched at another straw by saying, "The CCTV showed him in cold conditions with very little for winter warmth." Oh, Holmes. I know you don't have much to work with, but that's a bit of a stretch. He was so cold he simply had to steal eleven women's jackets from Marx and Spencer, you know, to keep himself warm. Before sentencing him to six months in jail, Sheriff William Wood told David, "There's no getting away from your record. I have got the central to jail." Now would you believe that after this incident, David finally turned his life around. He got clean, went to anger management therapy, and took responsibility for his actions in his future. Now he teaches pottery and whittling to at-risk youth at a local community college. No, he doesn't. According to the courier, on December 29th last year, it's alleged that he pushed a 67-year-old pensioner to the ground then kept the living shit out of him. On the same day, he acted in a threatening or abusive manner to passengers on a bus, and the day afterwards he threatened to fuck somebody up while brandishing a pair of pliers. I guess this means there are actually three things in life we can rely on. Death, taxes, and David being a total dick. To finish up, I have a few punchline crimes for you. These are cases with hardly any information available, and they sound more like jokes than something that actually happened. In November 2007, 29-year-old Gypsy Lawson flew from Bangkok to LA while pretending she was pregnant and concealing a drug-dub-resus monkey under her shirt. Her mother had accompanied her on this trip to Thailand because nothing says mother-daughter bonding quite like international primates muggling. Their criminal endeavour came undone in the most bizarre of ways. They were arrested after Gypsy boasted to a clothing shop assistant about their airport escapade. How would that even come up? Like seriously, how? Do you have these jeans in a size 12? Oh, and did I tell you about the time I pretended to be pregnant while my mum and I smuggled us sedated monkey into the US under my shirt? Gypsy and her mum were found guilty of conspiracy and smuggling goods into the US. Both were sentenced to 60 days in jail. According to Adelaide Now, earlier this year, 41-year-old Alan Lander went to a cafe in Melrose Park, South Australia. While talking to a waitress, he pulled a tube of lubricant out of his pocket, squirted some in his left hand and started masturbating in front of her. The Adelaide Magistrate's court heard he continued to engage the woman in conversation while he kept on jerking off. His defense lawyer claimed that he had simply misread cues that made him think it was appropriate to spank the monkey while he waited for his coffee. Alan's lawyer told the court, "Here in his own mind thought there was some promise queues you're going on in that particular cafe and he was excited about that. He entered into that cafe, he placed his hand down his trousers and massaged his excitement." I would love to know what cues he apparently misread. Did the waitress come up to him and say, "Welcome to the Circle Jack Cafe. Let's have a little race to see if you can make yourself come before the barista finish as making your latte." I bet Alan thinks there's some promiscuity going on any time a woman even says hello to him. On a Tuesday night in June 2017, 28-year-old Florida man Jonathan Hinkel got a craving for big, breasted women and little Lauren short-serving beer and chicken wings. He simply needed to get to hooters and fast. It was a busty emergency! Now what do you do when you're in an emergency? Why you call emergency services, of course? So Jonathan dialed 911 and told dispatchers that he needed a ride to hooters straight away. When they asked him why, he claimed it was because his grandmother had just suffered a stroke in the parking lot. Yeah, Nana loves hooters. Deputy spent three hours searching for Jonathan's ailing grandmother. When they finally tracked her down, it turned out that she wasn't at hooters after all. But, and she was not suffering from a stroke or in need of any medical attention. So instead of spending his Tuesday nights surrounded by bouncing bosoms, Jonathan got his ailing grandmother. 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