The Most Unhinged Drunk Texts Ever Sent

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Today, we are going to dive into the world of drunk texting. We've all been there, we've all done it, and we've all regretted it, okay? But these people have regretted it and then posted it online. So these are the most unhinged drunk texts we could find. I swear I'm sober. Accidentally texted my mom, your cheek's getting clapped tonight. Bro, I'm not going home ever. Accidentally texting your mom, I'm gonna thunderclap your cheeks tonight is crazy. Oh, he wrote afterward, I haven't visited her since. Yeah, dude, that's it. That's not even at your mom anymore. You know what I mean? Like, you gotta just move. Get out of the country, change your number, change the way you look, get plastic surgery. That's not your family anymore, dude. Yeah, no, I've never done anything like that before. As you can see, I'm still standing here. I would have found a cliff and jumped straight off of that. That's bad, that's a hot start to this. My ex I recently broke up with texted me, my throat is feeling loose tonight. My throat is feeling loose? Like, I get what she was going for, but if you sit with it, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. Immediately followed by, I'm so sorry, wrong text, hope you're well. I mean, I was doing well until this. This really fucked up my day. No way that wasn't on purpose, by the way. She just wanted you to know that like, I'm definitely sucking other dudes. And it ain't you. And guess what? It's extra loose tonight. Was pissed drunk and meant to text the girl I was seeing, but instead I texted my aunt who has the same name. Oh my God, no, please God. The text said, "So pumped you're coming to Christmas this year." Oh my God. This is bad. "So pumped you're coming to Christmas this year, we should sneak away to the basement before dinner so you can unwrap my present." By present, I mean my dick. Yeah, we got it, dude. I love the clarification. And just in case you don't know what I mean, I mean my dick. Oh my God, so bad. So horrible. What did your aunt say? About a year ago, I was a witness to a crime and was in touch with a local detective since it was ongoing investigation. So I had the detective's number on my phone. One night I accidentally texted his number and wrote, "This rent increase is killing me. Do you want to help me rob a bank? I'm so serious." He immediately called me, but I never picked up. All right, you know what's crazy? If this was like at the beginning of the video, I would probably be affected by it and be like, "Whoa, that's really bad. You almost went to jail because of this thing." But people are trying to fuck their aunts and their moms in the beginning of this video. This feels kind of tame. I would pray that I would text the detective something like this rather than, "I'm clapping your cheeks, mom, get ready." I don't even think this is bad to begin with. You didn't like actually incriminate yourself at all. You're fine, don't worry about it. Sent a text to a girl that said, "If you had nuts, I'd let you shove them down my throat." The nuts? Why the nuts? She never responded. No kidding, bro, no kidding. Oh my God, if you had a fat pair of balls, I would eat them. It's such a crazy thing to say. What is she supposed to respond to that? What is she supposed to say to that? Like, "Oh, thank you"? How is that a compliment in any way? Imagine the reverse, you know what I mean? The girl's hitting you up and being like, "If you had a puss, I'd just take it." You know what I mean? I'd be like, "Why are you saying that? Why are you telling me that? I don't have that. You know that I don't. Why are you telling me this?" That one time, I texted my son's pediatrician. She texted, "It's fucking chardonnay o'clock. Let's drink our tits off." "It's chardonnay o'clock." Clearly, this is a white woman. I mean, this could be my mom saying this, honestly. Bro, how do you accidentally text a doctor? How often are you talking to this guy? The doctor could be a woman. Shit. "My lowest/cringiest moment is when I was going through a breakup, but she moved on quickly. I was drinking and in my feels, and I started to text her the lyrics from 'Hey There, Delilah.'" Oh, my God, dude. This could be worse than telling your mom you're going to clap her cheeks. This is horrible. Oh, my God. "Some gems I sent included, 'Time Square can't shine as bright as you.' You're just making the relationship more over. A thousand miles away seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way." And when she didn't respond, I added, "Hey there, Denise." Oh, my God. He put her name in it? Ugh. "Hey there, Denise. You be good, and don't you miss me two more years, and you'll be done with school, and I'll be making history." Are you fucking crazy, man? Dude, you're not making anything. You're going viral on Reddit, and you ended up in this video. That's the height of the fucking-- It says, "God, I was the worst." Yeah, I would have probably done something like this in seventh grade, but anything older than that seems not good. All right, before we continue with this video, we do have some sponsors, the first one being PrizePix. PrizePix is a lot of fun, okay? It's a little fantasy. You're going to be competing. You're going to be competing against these PrizePix projections. Baseball season is here, so when you're watching the game, you can make it even more fun when you are playing PrizePix, because all you got to do is set up these little lineups. You can win up to 1,000 times your money if you're good at the game, okay? And you're not competing against other people that may be professionals. They do this every day of their lives. You're just competing against the PrizePix projections, okay? 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And a lot of the reason why, you know, I don't like to order a lot is because I like high-quality food. So this is a perfect way to get that quality while being able to just sit in your home. And some people don't have the time to cook every single night. So it's nice to have a meal delivered to your home that is going to be high-quality. And right now, you can go to CookUnity.com/Joe or enter the code "Joe" before checkout for 50% off your first week, okay? 50% off. 50% off your first week. Again, all you got to do is go to CookUnity and use that code "Joe." CookUnity.com/Joe. Use that code "Joe," okay? You're going to get 50% off of the first week. And we're talking about all-star chefs that are making these foods, okay? Making these meals. Go to CookUnity.com/Joe right now. Get 50% off of your first week. You're welcome. I accidentally sent a message to my elderly grandmother telling her I wanted to fuck her brains out. I'm a girl. You probably put your grandma on the ground with a text like that, dude. I want to fuck your brains out. And she's like, "Oh, Jesus!" And she just goes down. Again, you know, is your grandma's name in your phone not "Grandma"? Like, who are you texting? Like, what is this? Sent a text to my wife that said, "Your mom was a handful tonight. So needy." It's not even the funny part, but that's just funny to me. But accidentally sent it in the group chat with her whole family in it. Oh, my God! Yeah, it's over for you, dude. There's no coming back from that. You would just have to turn that into a joke. That's what I would do. If I accidentally sent that in a family group chat and everyone read it, I'd be like, "Oh, sorry, wrong text. Ha ha, I'm just kidding, Alice." It also oddly sounds sexual, to be honest. "Your mom was a handful tonight. So needy." Wouldn't keep her hands off me. The time my wife texted me instead of her girl group chat saying, "Pegging? No shot. I'd rather vacation in Chernobyl than get that close to Eric's asshole," it says, "I'm Eric, if you haven't guessed." She's comparing your asshole to one of the greatest tragedies. Like, Chernobyl, bro. Let's not forget that people still can't live there. That's how bad that is, you know what I mean? And she's saying your asshole's like that. At least you know there's not a pegging in your future. That conversation won't come up because she's disgusted by your asshole. "I got hammered at my brother's wedding. The next morning I woke up and realized I sent a picture of Ben Affleck looking at the ocean to 120 different people. I don't know why. I also posted the picture 19 times on Instagram." "120 people at 19 times on Instagram. Whoever this is, you're my hero, dude. I would do anything to have a friend who would do stuff like this. If I, like, know one of my friends at a wedding and he's drunk and emotional, he just posts on Instagram 19 times. That's unbelievable." "Your phone was probably so fun the next day because letting people interpret what it means is probably the best. Like a bunch of people being like, are you okay? I once texted myself when I was drunk. You can dance, my friend. You can dance. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. This is amazing, dude. This is amazing. See, this is like that positive affirmation shit. If you get fucking blackout drunk and you text yourself, you can really dance, my friend. I bet that does wonders for your mental health. This sounds like someone who has a great relationship with himself. Just want to give yourself a compliment. Dude, you can really tear up a dance floor. Like, you got to be fucking drunk and also in love with yourself to do something as stupid as that. So, God bless this person. They probably live a wonderful life. I called an Uber to pick me up from a party and take me home. I was so drunk, I immediately fell asleep. And when I woke up, I didn't know what was happening. And I started texting my friends and family that someone kidnapped me and put out an Amber Alert. You get in a car and you forget. Yo, that's actually terrifying now that I think about it because I've gotten drunk and then gotten in Ubers and fell asleep. And then I wake up to them, like, shaking my leg and be like, hey, you're fucking, you're home, leave. And, you know, that's just like a male privilege type of thing because, you know, a woman definitely can't do those things. That's terrifying. And, yeah, I don't suggest that anyone falls asleep in an Uber because you're begging to be kidnapped. But imagine being so drunk that you call an Uber and then you wake up in an Uber and you're like, where the fuck am I? Like, that is so terrifying, dude. Put out an Amber Alert. One time after I had visited some friends at their college and learned a few new drinking games, I woke up the next morning with around 40 text notifications. My heart rate just spiked. That would terrify me. I opened my text and I had sent the same message to about 100 people. The message simply said, It said, I'm gonna fuck you with a rake. What? The text was sent to my dad, my aunts, coworkers, even a teacher. Why do you have your teacher's phone number? What the fuck? It's a rough one to send to 100 people. Also, to have only 60 people ignore that. That is bananas, dude. You have a lot of, like, confrontational people in your life. If someone drunk texted me that that I hadn't spoke to in a while, I'm not answering that. I'm gonna fuck you with a rake is so wild. I don't even know what you had. What game were you playing? You know, like, you're telling me you played, like, flip cup and beer pong and you're thinking about fucking people with rakes? Like, how do you get there? Yeah, no. I mean, those are insane. Those are insane. I mean, I've gotten drunk and I've texted people sometimes, but nothing like that. Like, I've definitely not accidentally sent, like, a sext to my mom or aunt or, you know, telling people I want to fuck them with garden tools. Definitely not. That's never happened to me. It's not on the top of my brain, so that's probably why. But God bless, you know. We've been saying it all along. There should be an app that, like, kind of locks your phone so you can't text anyone when you get, you know, past a certain point where you've had too many drinks. We should really get on top of that and make sure. I've gotten out of the habit of, like, posting, you know, on my Instagram story and, like, screaming into my phone camera and putting that on Instagram. So I'm glad I've come past that point in my life. I really hope none of this happens to me now. But God bless everyone out there. Be safe. Keep your phones in your pocket and don't pick them up when you're drunk. That's the only advice I could give you, okay? But, yeah, that is all for this week's video. 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