The Most Redacted Episode Ever | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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I can wear it to dinner. It's fantastic. Upgrade your everyday. Go to quince.com slash bears for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK also. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash bears for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash bears. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. For everybody that has not yet done it, we want to remind you that we are doing the Two Bears 5K May 9th at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. Hopefully this comes out before May. I think this will come out in September. Oh, cool. That is a good point. We should have it coming out before then. This is part of a Netflix is a Joke festival. Tons of comedians will be watching this. It's been so fun. This is our third in a row and our second time back at the Rose Bowl. It really is like so cool whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you weigh four or five hundred or six hundred pounds. Whatever your condition is, you can walk it. You can crawl it. You can get spit on as you do it. You can get run over by a golf cart. You can run as fast as you want. We've almost done as many 5Ks as episodes this year. Yeah, it's awesome. And we're going to, it's going to be a wrap. This is it. This is it, guys. No, I'm excited for the 5K. I'm really excited. Oh, and of course, hold on. You got to register at TwoBears5K.com. So if you want to do it, TwoBears5K.com. It's going to be big this year. And I am in the best shape I've ever been in. I'm in the physically best ever been in. I've never felt lighter on my feet. Well, maybe because you're one of the lightest you've been in years. I'm the lightest I've been in, oh, wow, in probably 20, two years. What? Yeah. Wait, how much do you weigh? I don't talk about weight now. I've changed my digital footprint, Tom. I don't show my workouts. I don't talk about weight. I don't post pictures of how fucking amazing I look. I just, I just do the work, Tom. Cool. How much do you weigh? I don't know. You know. I'm, let's just say 220s. You're in your 220s right now. Yeah. And you were. 270? 275. So you've lost like over 50 pounds? Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. I've never felt lighter on my feet in my entire life. And like the other day we were in Chicago, or no, in DC, and I got out of my bus. I was just staying there for two days. Yeah. And I ran five miles so effortlessly that I was like, I was like, this is crazy. Here's the other thing. I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. 10 to 12 hours a night. Dude, on the road, I'm sleeping aggressively. Like an eighth grader. Are you taking something to sleep? Nope. I'm. Tom, I want to just preface this with, I am disgusted by sobriety talk. That's all that's in my feed. That's all that comes my way is some broken toy telling me how to live my life. Uh-huh. Some fucking ex-whore from Philly telling me how to fucking optimize my life and telling me about BPC-157 and testosterone. It's. You're so late to the fucking game. All of you fucking. That sounded very poignant. Back when I was drinking, you know what I used to do? I'd bring a water bottle full of vodka. And then if I didn't suck a guy's dick before the show started, and you're like, you're on a different page than I am. Okay, stop doing these testimonials. That's all I get. My whole feed is sobriety talk. And I'm exhausted. The only person I listen to when it comes to sobriety is Nick Swartzen. He seems to have the. He's the almost even-keeled motherfucker. And by the way, him talking about his sobriety is. Him and Shia LaBeouf. Shia is. Shia was refreshing. When he talked about freedom and wanting to be able to put your foot in the mysticism every now and then. Yeah. Dude, that interview with Shia was fucking incredible. Put a pin in Shia and Nick, okay? Okay. Because we'll get back to that. Yeah, sure. So I don't like talking about sobriety and everything, but I. Obviously, with the blood clot, I can't drink. And then I haven't leaned into weed yet, because I haven't really. I never really. I didn't turn a corner on the enjoying the sobriety until too late. Yeah. So I didn't want to go right into weed to try to find happiness immediately. And I've been now for a couple months not doing anything. Dude, I sleep like crazy. I sleep. I sleep. Close my eyes and wake up easy every night, 10 hours later. If I allow myself to go back to sleep, I sleep 12 hours. My scores are in the green almost every night on my whoop. 12 hours? I'm never. I haven't been in sleep debt, Tom, in two months. I have been out of sleep debt. I've lowered my biological age by like. Or the age. This sounds like the most manic fucking rant that I've ever heard. Dude, dude, I have never felt. You need to check into a mental health facility, dude. This is what's so. This is what sobriety does to people, Tom. It makes them crazy. And they start believing their own fucking Kool-Aid they're drinking. So are you like fully sober then? I mean, nothing. Coffee, that's it. That's it? That's it. And you're in your 220s and you run five miles effortlessly. Effortlessly, I ran. And you sleep 10 to 12 hours a night. It's crazy. What time are you going to bed, bro? I went to bed at like 9 o'clock last night. And you slept till 9? I slept till 8.30. I slept till 8.30 this morning. Jesus Christ. And Tom, I don't move in bed. I stopped snoring. I don't snore anymore. And Leanne and I have separate bedrooms. She's gone. It's just me in the house. We have separate bedrooms now. Because I got kicked out of her bed because I was snoring. And I sleep. I mean, I don't. I have amazing dreams. And I remember all my dreams when I wake up. I wake up, I have a cup of coffee, I journal. I go into the gym, I work out, I come. I mean, it's like. It's on the road. The only thing that sucks is like. The witching hour when you'd want to have a drink. Because I still think about it. When's that hour? Around. Oh, it starts around noon and goes until. No. No, it's like. Like today, it'll be at like 6 o'clock, 7 o'clock when the sun starts setting. Yeah. And on the road, it's right when I tell the machine story. Like when I. On tour, right when I tell the machine story, I'm like. I look to my drinks and I go, I would love a little. Yeah. A little. I would love weed. I would love weed. I would love weed. But I haven't had it yet. And so I'm just kind of like. I'm waiting till. I'm waiting till I don't think about it. Like, you know what I thought today, Tom? And I think me and you are the only ones. Not the only ones. Other people have been injured. But do you remember when you injured yourself and then you were like. Kind of going like timid on bench press and timid on squats? Mm-hmm. And then one day you didn't think about it? Yeah. And you just went for squats? That's what I'm going to do with weed. One day you're just going to eat a bag of weed. Yeah, when I'm not thinking about it. Mm-hmm. When I'm not thinking about it. When I'm not going like. I need some. I want something to turn the corner. And then I can't drink until. Not counting, but July 12th. And so July 12th, I don't know if I'll drink that day or maybe like a month before, but I don't know. Yeah. What's up with this Tarantino, Rosanna, Arquette, N-word thing? What? I know. I just. I don't know. I've just seen something. What is that? She's. Okay. Personally, I am over the use of the N-word. I hate it. That's what Arquette said in an interview. Cannot stand that Tarantino has given a hall pass. It's not art. It's just racist and creepy. All right. So that's what she said. On Monday, he said, I hope the publicity you're getting from 132 different media outlets writing your name and printing your picture was worth disrespecting me in a film I remember quite clearly you were thrilled to be a part of. He wrote in a statement addressed directly to Arquette. In the movie, Arquette played Jody, wife to Eric Stoltz's drug dealer character. He's talking, of course, about Pulp Fiction. Do you feel this way now? Very possibly, Tarantino. Tarantino continued, but after I gave you a job and you took the money to trash it for what I suspect is very cynical reasons, showed a decided lack of class, no less honor. Arquette's criticism of Tarantino's use of the N-word is far from the first expressed, of course. It's uttered about 20 times in Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained. It's uttered 110 times. However, Tarantino's use of the N-word in a screenplay has long been defended by that film star, Samuel Jackson, and his frequent collaborator, Samuel Jackson. I'm sorry, Jamie Foxx and Samuel Jackson. Here's his, yeah, we saw, we read that already. This is supposed to be in Esprit de Corps. between artistic colleagues but it would be appear the objective was accomplished congratulations q wow he's really been though like this on this tear of just shitting on people i guess and i always find it interesting when somebody that's like high high level high accomplished will take the time to read to speak out about you know criticism because a lot of people would just like go like i'm not responding to that uh yeah however i think it i think when it's that close to home you like if it's if it's if it's uh right because she's in the movie yeah and and she was friends with them i'm assuming well yeah i mean she got hired to for the job and she did take i do think that that's a thing too it's like you you you're in the movie you took the gig you didn't complain about the script then and then 30 some years later you're like you know what i'm sick of your it's like you didn't have that problem when you were working for me and you didn't and i mean by the way i don't i don't dislike rosanna arquette i actually like rosanna arc i like the whole arquette family yeah but um but here's the other thing that there's a there's a like an intangible in this is that she allowed herself to get the clout from pulp fiction it was a hot movie and she was honest yeah like and being in a hot movie does something for your career for sure and then to and then to that's like if that would be kin to do you remember all the comedians that have on rogan who have been on rogan oh yeah yeah yeah and that is the exact same thing and then you're like well you didn't have a problem doing rogan and you were cool with him when you hung out and played pool with him and you were cool with him when he was but then when he didn't call you back because he thought he felt like you were off on a couple things then you go off and you spiral out against him that's ridiculous what you should do is when they want them but then they're like i got a problem with this guy it's always bothered me when people do that to him i mean they do they do it to us but it's no one notices when they do it to us right right right yeah no i know it's it's yeah and then but like the difference i think is that like a lot of times like he basically ignores everybody yep he's been lighting up people kind of just out of nowhere for no reason at all and i think really between tarantino did you know i was talking about talking about joe oh i'm sorry tarantino's been yeah he's been going off on people yeah so wait what did you say about joe that joe just ignores all criticism i mean he gets a lot of it because his show is so massive and he's such a huge media figure but like he's just like whatever like i don't think most of the time i've been like oh did you see that and he's like huh he doesn't even know about it there was someone who said something about me and him and trashed both of us and i said to him did you see that and he was like oh he's a good guy i went really he goes yeah you know he just tries to get attention every now and then but you know he's a good guy and i was like okay it hurt my feelings and he was like oh don't let it if you saw me give you a big hug you know that and i was like okay i was like wow i wish i wasn't so sensitive i wish i was a little more like uh like you and joe where i was just like i didn't give a yeah yeah i mean i really think he ignores completely and then i probably just care less you don't care at all but you are uh you are what the problem with uh with uh america is me yeah yeah if it doesn't affect you it doesn't bother you like there are certain things that affect you but they're they're so nonsensical that that's what bothers you and i've seen the things that have bothered you and they're so silly like they're so silly i'm not going to say them they're so silly i'll say them but like uh sometimes i'll tell you i'll tell you one and i won't say it out loud but sometimes when someone thinks it can't like an innocuous comic is funny and everyone's like that guy's funny and then you and i say he's funny and you go hold on you think he's funny and then i go yeah and you go yeah but i mean i'll tell it to you and you can edit it out no no no you don't have to i think those are those it's it's a weird thing like that's what i go like why does he give a about that like that is so not on my radar any other comic but like that one there was like a couple times it's happened where where you're and it's someone no one talks about yeah yeah like really like that's the thing but you don't think that that quality though about like talking about comics that's in every comics dna like talking about who's funny who's not like that's everybody everybody does that i think so yeah and i think it's it's an it's uh i'm sure it happens with chefs uh for sure yeah for sure they're i think they have more hatred in their hearts than we do they are vicious man when you bring a child into the world 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festival mm-hmm next year we're going together we're bringing poros in So Tommy, it was so fun. It was so fun. And the food through the roof. I mean, everything you ate, amazing. I was just with my chef, the Chichabamba chef, right, like an hour ago. Oh, I had a phone call with my donut company. Oh my God, I can't understand a word they said. And I keep thinking, I know, I know. I, well, I went, we opened a remote location, 101 West 6th Street, where we drop stuff off every day. So if you're walking around downtown, it's in the Scarborough building on 6th Street. So I stopped by, it just opened yesterday. And I was with him. And then we went to the fairground food hall and just kind of like caught up there. And then he was like, he goes, I went to a place for breakfast over the weekend. It had like five stars and 3,000 reviews on Yelp. Such shit. The biggest piece of shit. The biggest piece of shit I've ever eaten in my life. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, where do I, he's like, the eggs were cold, the bacon cold. It's just shit. Like somebody took a shit on a plate. And I'm like, wow, like that, that passionate about shitting on this place, which I won't name. But yeah, they, they go hard at other restaurants. I am, I am so excited because I'm coming down to Austin in two weeks. And I'm so excited. I have big plans. I haven't been there in a while. And I want to pick your boys up from school. I want you to go. They would get so excited. I want to go to Chichabamba. I want to go to Chichabamba so bad. You have no idea. You have no idea how bad I want to go to Chichabamba. You got to go in the morning. What's crazy, Tom, is I'm the lightest I've ever been in 22 years. I saw Isla the other night. Isla came out to one of my shows. And she was, she was like, first thing she said she saw me is, you have fingers. I said, what? She goes, you've had sausage. You've had sausages your whole life. You have like, I can see your bones and your fingers. She goes, what do your ankles look like? I was like, what? She goes, I want to see your ankles. I showed her my ankles. And she was like, Isla said to me, you get, I'm going to give you two days this year that you can drink two days. And that's it. And I went, really? She goes, yeah. She goes, you look incredible. She's like, I've never seen you like this. That's great, man. Don't you feel good? Yeah. And then, yeah. And then I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. I see you seven days a year. You think I'm going to cut it down to just two? Fucking party my dick off. Good luck in college. When do you turn it up again? I'm going to, so if, You got to get off the sauce, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like what's happening in society with kids getting away from alcohol. I don't like it. No, no, no, no, no. I meant, I meant the Manjaro. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you want to let it rip, you can't do it on that, right? Oh, I was doing it on it. But I thought you said you're like, I don't really have a taste for it. It doesn't. Well, I haven't had a taste for it since I quit drinking, but I think that's part of pear and pear, pear and parcel, parcel and pear. What is it? Parcel, parcel, parcel, part and parcel, part and parcel. What is that? Any, will you Google that? Pear and parcel, part and parcel. Part and parcel. I'm trying to use bigger words. Okay. I saw this guy's Instagram this morning and he said, every morning when I wake up, I make myself a cappuccino and I read. Then I go into the city, I make myself a cappuccino I sit at a bar, I have a pastry and I have one more cappuccino and I start a conversation and that is my day. Okay. And I went, I want that to be my day and I want it to be in Austin and I want, my day in Austin is going to go, I'm going to wake up and have a cappuccino. I'm going to stay at your house, I think, by the way, when I go to Austin. I'm going to have a cappuccino. I'm going to go, I realize I don't spend enough time with your kids. I'm going to have a cappuccino and then I'm going to go into the city to Chocha Bamba and have another cappuccino and a pastry. Then I pick up my two kids from school. I take them to a shooting range and we shoot assault rifles. If you go to the shooting range with them, you'll be their favorite human being ever. That's all I want to do. That's all I want to do is hang out with your boys and I want Leanne to hang out with your boys with me. So she sees how much, oh, I have a great question for you. Yeah. Okay. Let's pause it, but no, but keep going with where we're going. We were Googling something and then I'll ask you the question. Okay. What were we doing talking about? Part and parcel. Part and parcel means an essential, integral, or unavoidable component of something, often highlighting a feature that cannot be separated from the whole. It is commonly used to describe necessary, albeit sometimes unpleasant, aspects of a job, life, or situation, as in stress is part and parcel of the job. That's great. That is such a perfect transition into the conversation I want to have. Okay. So two things have happened in my life that are non-negotiables. Okay. Part and parcel. Leanne moved me out of her room into my own room and Leanne stopped cooking. Non-negotiable. These are great things? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's objective. It's objective of whether or not they're great things. Okay. But it brought up, but the cooking was a non-negotiable. She said she's done cooking. She'll never want to cook again. She's never liked cooking. She'll cook when she wants to, but don't ever plan on her cooking me a meal. If she's making herself something, it's just for her. It's not for both of us. No. Okay, got it. She said that. And then she said, non-negotiable, I need to move into my own room. She's not sleeping at night. It's keeping her, I snore, it keeps her up. I need to be in my own room. She needs her own room. Tom, she sleeps like a dying old lady. She sleeps with one of those quilted quilts, like those old lady ones that you see on top of beds that don't look comfortable and they're all rough and bumpy. She sleeps under that, still folded in half on the top, her hands on top and she goes like this. That's how she sleeps. Do you like that? And she keeps all the windows open so natural sunlight wakes her up at six in the fucking morning, Tom. Oh my God. So now I moved into a cave. I have the guest room. I've murdered out the windows. I have AC down to about 70, about to 65. I have no light coming in and I play a podcast every night while I sleep. I fall asleep. I wake up 10 hours clean. I sleep like a God. She's already up doing fucking laundry. Anyway, those are the two non-negotiables and I was cool with it and then I started thinking what are your non-negotiables as in what would you actually say no to? Like if Push said, oh, you can never, we'll never have sex again. Then you go, well, that's a non-negotiable. Right, of course. I need to, I need, that's, but where will you draw the line with non-negotiables? If she said, I want you to have your own bedroom, would you be cool with it? Yeah. Okay, yeah, right? It's pretty cool. It's rad. I'll show you my bedroom. When you come over. I can't wait. Dude, it's so cool. Do you have like posters and toys and stuff? My gun's out. Fuck yeah. I got a sign that says no fat chicks allowed on the door. Oh, dude. That's so rad. It's so awesome. You know what Ellis has on his door? What? He has a caricature of Javier Bardem from No Country for Old Men as Anton Chigurh, you know? And I was like, hey, do you know who that is? He's like, a fucking cool guy. And I go, yeah, that's like a psychopath from a movie. He's like, that's awesome. I go, where the fuck did you get that? He's like, I printed it up. Like just on his door. And then Julian yesterday came into my office at home and I was reading and he goes, oh, I'm going to bring a chair in here. And I go, for what? He goes, so I can sit in here with you. And I go, okay. So he puts a chair in front of my desk and then he's like, I'm going to read too. And I go, all right. And he gets something and then he's like, I'll be back. And I'm like, okay. And he comes in and like with a suit jacket on and he goes, I have a contract I need you to sign and I go, what is it? And he's like, it just says that you're going to give me money for some stuff I do. And I go, what are you going to do? He goes, I don't know, but I don't want any physical labor. And I go, okay. So like, what are you going to do for money? He's like, we'll figure something out. And I go, all right, you got to be more specific. You want me to sign the contract? He goes, just fucking sign it. And so I signed a contract and I go, can you clean the trash cans? He goes, I don't do shit like that. And I go, okay, cool. We have a sign. We have a sign deal. It is in his suit. Yeah. So crazy. Every time I see David Bowie stuff, I want to buy it for your youngest. He's so obsessed. I see so much David Bowie stuff all the time. Like there's so much stuff at, at antique shops. I find antique shops like, but they're always like a $250 shirt. And I was like, that he's not going to appreciate it. No, no, definitely not. So what are your non-negotiables? If Push said you can never have alcohol again, is that a non, would you be cool with it? I mean, I would be like, what's your fucking deal? I'm not like, what if, what if she said, okay, let's start, let's start easy. I'll never give you another blow job. That's kind of a non-negotiable. Yeah. Right. Yeah, of course. Okay. Okay, good. Um, I can, I need to move back to LA. Hmm. That's more like, I don't. So I'm trying to think of the people listening to this right now. There are dudes who move back to LA. They're going to move to their wife's hometown to be around her family. And that was a negotiable. They were like, well, I guess I can do that to me. It's really about the burden of everything that we moved here. I'd be like, Jesus Christ, you want to move everything back to Cali? Oh yeah. I don't think so, man. No. Okay. I'm not doing that. Okay. No. What did she said? What did she said? Uh, uh, I, I need, uh, I gotta fly private everywhere I go. Fuck. No. Yeah. Right. No way, dude. This episode is sponsored by better help. March includes international women's day. So let's take a moment. celebrate women's strength and progress while also recognizing how much they carry every day between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities their emotional well-being can easily be overlooked we want to remind women how much they matter and that therapy offers a space for them to take care of themselves in the way they deserve and if it's a really great moment don't ever say that in a fight i've done that in a fight where you should talk about this in therapy that doesn't work that way but there is a space where you do go through stuff with your spouse with my wife and my with leanne and i will kind of earmark things and be like yo this is a good therapy thing like this is and sometimes it's the thing she doesn't see that she's just kind of burdening over and over and over again and i and i'll kind of earmark it and if your wife's not in therapy it's a great gift just be like yo get into therapy like i'm not always right and i'm not always on spot like i don't know what i'm doing and i'm and i can listen but i'm not the best that listens therapists are the best listeners around better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the u.s better help does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals all you got to do is fill out a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means that typically they get it right the first time and if you aren't happy with your match you can switch to a different way of doing it and you can do it the other way around if you're not happy with your match you can switch to a different way of doing it and you can do it the other way around different therapists at any time from their tailored wrecks with over 30 000 therapists better help is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 6 million people globally and it works it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews your emotional well-being matters find support and feel lighter in therapy sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com bears that's better help.com bears the older you get the more daunting the idea of learning a new language can feel whether it's about a lack of time or mental energy babble's built to cater to your specific learning style and schedule i love this app i've used it countless times for multiple languages i love spending time working on that part of my brain i love their approach to teaching and i think it's incredibly effective their courses are curated by over 200 language experts to teach you relevant words and phrases you'll actually use by practicing real-life conversations it's more than just lessons babble offers a large collection of podcasts that offer an inside look at local cultures no matter if you learn best by listening speaking reading or writing babble 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online store that aligns with your brand and spread the word like you have an entire marketing team behind you by creating email and social media campaigns for wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling from inventory and payments to international shipping and returns shopify possesses the expertise you need to take your commerce to the next level start your business today with the industry's best business partner shopify and start hearing cha ching sign up for your one dollar per month trial today at shopify.com slash bear go to shopify.com slash bears that's shopify.com slash bears cha ching but there's women there are women that i follow on instagram i gotta stop following these women they're gonna figure out who the fuck they are yeah yeah they do that that's crazy i think that's a crazy expense there are women and who almost look at their comfort as a non-negotiable their comfort as a female and you are to provide for them as a male now we've never been trained to see that in sitcom because it's always the fat loser who has the check and then oh show up show up show up like free bird but uh but i just said halfway through that i was like i think i'm describing my own show but but you but you look at what's out online and it's all these women who are done up who have nice cars and have expensive and you're and they're non-negotiables or like i need a guy to take care of me and yeah that is that's so gross i mean like thank god that we didn't end up in something like that like no that's the worst man like where the trade-off is like yeah i'm with you but this better be nice 24 7. guys think of the guys who have hemorrhaged their life they've just mortgaged out everything to keep their chick happy with like by buying her yeah that's horrible by buying her i think that's horrible i've seen that i remember i remember like um oh my god one of the first acting classes i ever took in l.a. i had all these like women that were like not serious about it but they were just taking this class and they were all like kept women but like by bel-air guys you know and it was clearly like already we were i mean i was in my 20s and they already had like facelifts and and tit jobs and crazy cars and you know i mean like they it was all just like a uh a thing where the guy the guy was 30 years older and that was the trade-off like i'll look hot and you buy me nice stuff it's it's gross it would be kind of cool if you could like go to like impoverished countries and you can keep a woman there oh you can that would be you want to do that that'd be a fun bit why don't we do that for the show let's it would be a fun reality show kept women kept women and i think we could do it for like 100 bucks a month i i was i was really no lie i was thinking about 25 grand a year oh way less way and the trade-off could be like okay i just want you to put photos of me up all over your house you know what i mean and say uh like have a shrine to me pray to me in the mornings you know um and then like have your family cook a dinner and pretend that i'm there and they have like a blow up to all of you there how fun would that vacation be to be so sure you're like you're like we're not gonna say we're not gonna stay at our house i got us a hotel for the weekend at the four seasons and then like you bring your family there and they're like who is this you're like well it's kind of my wife but it's here in the philippines i knew a dude i knew a dude who uh i i hope it doesn't get to him because it's gonna sound shitty but i hope he knows that this is what really happened he was married to a regular chick right like a regular chick like let's paint out regular like uh like about 160. five five okay not the most beautiful chick okay nice yeah uh i really hope he never hears this like uh and and and he wasn't he was not attractive he was not attractive i think they're starting to see the picture you're painting they're like huh i wish i could send you a picture of him so you knew how unattractive like if you said we got it cookie cutter a middle middle class american white male it's that guy okay two hundred so it's him middle class american white male middle class middle class american white male it's that guy like okay so it's him middle class american white male middle class american white male it's that guy okay so it's him middle class american white male it's that guy middle class american white male it's that guy okay so it's him with his unattractive wife got it okay so it's him with his unattractive wife got it and and he got a job and and he got a job and and he got a job uh working for like a big production uh working for like a big production uh working for like a big production company company company he definitely knows you're talking about he definitely knows you're talking about he definitely knows you're talking about him now okay okay edit that out edit that him now okay okay edit that out edit that him now okay okay edit that out edit that out okay edit that out out okay edit that out okay edit that out out okay edit that out he went on a trip to the and decided he he went on a trip to the and decided he he went on a trip to the and decided he was going to work and he married a 10. and he married a 10. and he married a 10. a 10 and he got rid divorced his wife a 10 and he got rid divorced his wife a 10 and he got rid divorced his wife yeah got rid of his life here yeah and yeah got rid of his life here yeah and yeah got rid of his life here yeah and he lives there now still he lives there now still he lives there now still still he still is there he sends christmas still he still is there he sends christmas still he still is there he sends christmas cards every now and then cards every now and then cards every now and then with him and his family and they're all with him and his family and they're all with him and his family and they're all in the same shirt and he is in the same shirt and he is in the same shirt and he is he sticks out so aggressively of he sticks out so aggressively of he sticks out so aggressively of course course course of course but he traded his life here to of course but he traded his life here to of course but he traded his life here to be a millionaire be a millionaire be a millionaire with with with one of the hotter women i've ever seen one of the hotter women i've ever seen one of the hotter women i've ever seen in my entire life i mean i think this is in my entire life i mean i think this is in my entire life i mean i think this is a path that a lot of people more like a a path that a lot of people more like a a path that a lot of people more like a substantial number of people take this substantial number of people take this substantial number of people take this path path path especially like especially like middle age frustrated you know where middle age frustrated you know where middle age frustrated you know where they go like this is just not panning they go like this is just not panning they go like this is just not panning out and it's like yeah you can take what out and it's like yeah you can take what out and it's like yeah you can take what you've got you've got you've got to a more underdeveloped place and be to a more underdeveloped place and be to a more underdeveloped place and be like a king i think it's quite appealing like a king i think it's quite appealing like a king i think it's quite appealing to a lot of people man so can you bleep to a lot of people man so can you bleep to a lot of people man so can you bleep out certain words so it's not clear out certain words so it's not clear because it'll he'll know it's him when i because it'll he'll know it's him when i because it'll he'll know it's him when i say this right before he left tom say this right before he left tom say this right before he left tom him and his wife were gonna sell him and his wife were gonna sell him and his wife were gonna sell everything and that was gonna be his life and he was and that was gonna be his life and he was and that was gonna be his life and he was drinking with me and he was like i drinking with me and he was like i drinking with me and he was like i i mean i i guess that's a good move right i mean i i guess that's a good move right i mean i i guess that's a good move right and then he takes one trip and then he takes one trip And he's like, this is insane. and he's like i my money goes so far yeah and then he finds out that his job could be transferred there divorces his wife moves to gets a fucking high-paying job yeah lives like dan blazerian yeah he's just living it up and he's still two pounds happier than shit probably never had in his life like just the fucking do you still chat with him someone every now and then every now and then i'll get a tech i get a christmas card from him but uh i think he's someone cuts his yard with scissors like it's so wait here's the question right now and this is going to come off a little odd so like clearly for like 25 grand you can get the hottest chicken or we can start upgrading right and go now what do you what how much is hottest chicken ireland cost how much is the hottest chicken i mean clearly there's parts of africa where it's even less than 25 grand but you get like a fucking bad bitch who's like 5 11 dark as fuck like just beautiful features it's just whatever your taste is man no no no no i want to see greatest price point like what do you think the greatest price point because russia is a fucking great one are we discussing human trafficking right now no no no that's not a good topic for me these days okay wait that's a is that a soft spot for you it's it's it's been it's been what we call an eyesore we didn't talk about that no no what did you say it that you're on the epstein list nope stop it i'm not on the epstein you're on the epstein files you are you're a result you know that right dude pull up the epstein files search shut up we've already done it i know i'm not on the you are you are in the files no i'm not you are in the files i would pull up the search make me it would make me low-key so excited if i was in the you are a hundred percent bullshit you are a result from the epstein search pull up no i'm not no i'm not pull up where you can search the epstein files hold on okay you're making this up i'm not kidding dude okay do the do the search type in burke kreischer and see if there's a result there's a result right there burke kreischer yeah march 2023 hit the pdf see what does it say what does it say i don't know it's there there burke kreischer comedy central special travel channel burt the congress trip you're in the files he was watching my travel channel shows i don't know i guess he maybe he was considering going to a show that's kind of something you could put in your hype video before people come up before you come on stage is like record the screen being searched and then be like bam yeah he um he knew who you and he put those dates in maybe he was looking to go to a show maybe he was a fan that's kind of cool burt the conqueror trip yeah he knows who you are dude march 21st to 23rd what year i bet you it was like i bet you he was like what are we doing this date and they were like oh the 21st you want to go see burke kreischer this isn't really this is the this is the department of justice website dude this is really in the epstein yeah you're in the epstein file you are man i thought you'd be super on top of that you do you know that i would have clearly befriended jeffrey epstein if he had reached out if he had reached out i would have if he'd been like do you want to get on my plane you'd be like yeah would you like to go to a private island a hundred percent yeah people like sometimes people pull out cameras other people are like oh i'm just gonna hide you'd be like i would have been in every picture yeah i would have been in every picture i really and i'm being serious i i would have i i don't know how many people like that's why when they look at the list and they're like this person flew with jeffrey epstein like uh chris tucker flew everywhere with jeffrey epstein and he was like i don't know man i just got on a private jet to africa yeah and i'm like i would have definitely been one of those people for sure would you be one of jeffrey epstein asked you to fly private with him to an island would you have gone hey listen i'm a big fan of your mom's house yeah are you that's weird can i tell you who the one weird one is that joe said no to he said no to having him on the podcast oh i thought he said no to hanging out with him maybe hanging out but also they wanted i think they wanted to get him they wanted to have it's right you're right i think they wanted to have somebody was trying to get him to have lunch and then it was like have lunch with him and woody allen and um he was like no and i feel like they wanted to do the podcast too i don't remember but yeah she said no joe said no without knowing that he was a was just like nah i'm good yeah he's like that for a lot there's a lot of bad people that could get you like i mean i mean they the question is if you were at ufc and trump tried to shake your hand and there were cameras around would you shake his hand oh that's rough i mean i can't stand him it's funnier to be like you're i mean that would be so funny if you if somebody was like hey and you're like i'm good with the best one this is the best one tom yeah is you go yeah and then you go like this you go hey if you had done that you'd go viral yeah yeah for sure uh my dad would kill me if i shook hands with trump my dad would murder me he would he would have a real problem with me really yeah i would totally shit cancer trump 100 100 sitting president of course and you'd also you would also big smile and be like i love you bro he would be like take this shirt off i go it's coming off sir yeah what do you need i got into a deep dive on mar-a-lago yeah is it mar-a-lago mar-a-lago mar-a-lagi mar-a-lago yeah so do you know trump made a killing on that place no i didn't know that so yeah he the lady that built it was meriwether post she's the an heir to the post to the post serial fortune she built it so that dignitarities and actresses and dignitaries yeah dignitarities dignitarities i think there's an ecstasy in there okay and and so she built it for like 20 million in the fucking 20s 30s whatever uh-huh trump bought it for like eight really trump bought it for eight or ten and then he found out there was like five million dollars worth of art inside there so he got five million dollars worth of art inside there five million dollars worth of art leverage that here's the problem trump couldn't keep the daily cost of keeping mar-a-lago up and running and they were only give him like a hundred thousand dollars a year to keep it up and running so that's why he turned into a country club you want to talk about what a gangster move trump did yeah he knew he was competing with all the other country clubs in palm beach so what he did is he goes huh i got something they can't argue against guys i'm allowing blacks gays and jews in this country and fucking west palm was like what the fuck and he was like take it up with the aclu and then and that's and 25 grand it was 25 grand initially to join mar-a-lago it's way more now oh my god 25 grand yeah but i did like a deep dive on it i was curious about it but he made a killing on that fucking place it says that the uh negotiation tactic he used was that he initially offered to buy it for 15 million was rejected then bought the nearby beachfront land for 2 million and threatened to buy it for 15 million and then he was like oh my god i'm not gonna buy it for 15 to build a house that would block the ocean view yeah driving down the price of the property and then ended up purchased for 10 million 85 um which is equivalent to 30 today our president said publicly he got it for eight that's what the news does fake media well that's right sure well it says he got 5 million for the mansion 3 million for the furnishings 2 million for the adjacent beachfront land the two looks like it was separate so i think you're right it's eight but uh i've been really into documentaries lately lately when i right before i go to bed i turn on a documentary and that was a good one and look open it to jews and blacks this guy he's so insane dude we're gonna miss him you think so yeah the entertainment value uh yeah he's entertaining yeah i mean it's it's you know you know i'll tell you what i i said this about george bush jr is when he was president everyone thought you forget how much everyone hated him yeah so much and i said we're gonna miss him yeah it just gets worse if you're into crazy ex-girlfriends they just get crazier we're not going we're we're not we'll go back we'll have one or two normies but we're gonna we're gonna it's gonna get even think about what social media is and what's online there's dudes online straight up white dudes straight up saying the n-word like and and going like i don't do what are you gonna do cancel me well i don't care fuck it fuck you and that is the future of the youth the youth is the youth's off and i think it's everyone's microdosing and eating edibles and and and doing bpc 157 and and optimizing their sleep and and they're all online no one's living everyone's like right here but no one's out fucking meeting anyone or sitting at a bar or anything like that and i think it's it's it's a fucking lie like like old-school dudes yeah well i do think people are going to get way crazier you're right on that like and we're to look back and go, I mark my words, because I said it with J.D., George Bush. G.W.? G.W., G.W. How much do you miss G.W.? I miss him. Yeah, right? And think of, there's not one person, I bet Janine Garofalo would be like, God, man, I miss George Bush Jr., whatever. God damn it, why can't I talk today? Just George W. J.W. Look at him. And now he gives Werther's, he gives Werther's to Kamala, not Kamala Harris. I should stop talking. Okay. Not Condi Rice, who's the fucking, I just named two black chicks. I don't know who you're talking about. Obama, Michelle Obama. Okay. He gives Werther's to her at funerals. He's like, hey, hey Michelle. Want a little candy? She's like, G.W., you're so good. And then he gives her a Werther's and he's like, hey, you want to hear a joke? No, he seems like the smartest guy in the world next to Trump. This guy. I mean, yeah, it's not even comparable. Yeah. It's not even comparable. And the kids these days that now agree with communism and you look at the fucking, you look at the left and the left is literally run by fucking lunatics who are lighting fucking bombs and throwing bombs in New York and fucking punching. It's like, it's insanity. It's insanity. And the pendulum doesn't right itself and just go back to the center. The pendulum swings hard as fuck. That's the way the world works. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Did you think, like, this is interesting. I haven't really dove into this. Can you pull up Dahmer's mom's thing? What? Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer's mom. She said that her son didn't hurt his victims. And I kind of want to, I think it's an important thing to really dive into because I always said that people talk too much shit about Dahmer, you know? He, yeah, he wasn't, he was a little knucklehead, but he wasn't like, you know, so he killed them, but he never tried to hurt them. That's what she said. And I think it's a good point, you know, that he was, he was just doing what he did, but he wasn't like, he didn't hurt them physically or hurt their feelings, you know? I think he just ended their lives. He was not a bad guy. Wait, wait, hold on. There's the one story. Of the one kid with the hammer in his head that ran down the bar. Oh, he drilled, the hole drilled in his head. I think that hurt. You're right. And I don't know what she would say to that. That'd be an interesting thing to go back to him on. He drilled into someone's head while they were alive and then that person ran to a bar and got cops and then it was the, it was Joey Diaz's joke. Who are they going to believe? Yeah. Me or a chick with a black eye and a wig. A dude with a black eye and a wig. So, this is a into Christopher Wilder? What is this? Oh, okay. He's, this is a different person that he's talking about? Yeah. Okay, a psychologist. Is there any more or she just said that? Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, again, I like to remember Jeffrey as more than just a serial killer, you know? He's dead, right? Yeah, he's dead. He got killed in prison. I bet that was a fucking scary way to go. The way he died in prison? Yeah, he got, I think he was beat with a broomstick to death. I'm sure they shoved it up his asshole. They actually, I believe they did, yeah. They had to. Yeah. There was one guy who was already in for murder. He was like, well, what have I got to lose? You know? I was next to a 95 year old woman on a flight yesterday coming in and we had to do a aborted landing. So we had to take off. It's amazing how quick those planes are when they punch it. And she got scared. Really? She was 95. How are you with flying now? Still scared? Yeah, I was scared yesterday when we had to abort the landing, but I'm a little better. My anxiety has been pretty good without those. You had to abort the landing? Yeah. What do you mean? Like we had to take back off. Really? Yeah. How come? Like we went and almost touched down and then it just took off because there was a plane on the tarmac. Did they announce it? They're like, oh. Nope. They just did it. They just did it. We were like right in LA. You know when you get to LA where you get to like the safe part where you're looking at all the warehouses and the parking structures and the parking cars and then you're like, oh, I'm home. And you just go, and we got there and it just went and we flew out over the ocean like we're going to Hawaii and we didn't turn around. We didn't turn around for a while. And I was like, and no one said anything. And she was 95. She was sitting next to me. And she was nervous. And I was like, I'm 95. What are you nervous for? Yeah. I didn't say that to her. Any second, yeah. But she looked at me and she goes, this is scary. And I was like, for me, I still have like 30 good years. For you, you got two. Wouldn't you rather go out in a plane crash at 95? That would be awesome. Yeah. It reminds me of the story of Stacy's grandmother was Stacy who works here. I hate that I bring this up all the time and it makes me giggle. She called me up one time. She goes, hey, I can't come to work. Today. And I said, why? She goes, my grandmother died. And I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. She goes, no, I know. It's just, I said, how old was she? And she goes, it doesn't matter. And I said, no, I'm just curious. She goes, she was 95. And I was like, well, yeah, but at that point, Stacy, I guess she got a, she caught on fire. She caught on fire? She burned to death in a building. Yeah. Her house caught on fire. I was like, oh, wow. I guess she didn't see that coming at 95. No. No. And Stacy, I don't bring it up all the time. And that makes you laugh so hard? It still makes me giggle. And I brought it up to someone at a party. And he goes, I can beat that. He goes, my mom was 97. Or my grandmother was 97. And I was like, really? And I was like, how did she die? And he goes, she got hit by a bus. Holy shit. And he goes, and I went, wait, did she, could he? And he goes, everyone asked if she could hear. It was an electric bus. It backed over her. Fuck. Dude, I, yeah. How would you prefer to go? Say, I always said this, rescuing someone. No, no, I mean, like between getting hit by a bus, let's say it's 65 miles an hour. So you kind of just splatter on the road. But it's real quick. Plane crash. If you're picking the two. Or how about house fire? No, no, no, no. Hit by a bus. Hit by a bus, yeah. I would never want to burn alive. Yeah. Bus is quick. Real quick. Yeah. Drowning or catching on fire? Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah. Well, I've cut, you know, I've almost drowned before. And it's so, it's so terrifying. I mean, I don't think anyone, I think burning alive has got to be just so horrific. I bet at a certain point you lean into it. To the burning? Yeah. And you just like kind of go towards the fire and you're like, let's wrap this up. Never really thought about that. Maybe. Maybe. I think I'm going to take fire. Take fire? Yeah. Okay. If you're going to be killed by an animal, would you rather be on your territory or their territory? Meaning, like, attacked by a shark in water where you're not familiar or attacked by a lion where on ground you're familiar? Fuck. That's a good one. I just saw footage of a guy that got attacked by a puma. It's real gnarly. My fucking numbskull assistant was like, I was asking him today, what percentage of animals do you think you could, like, kill by hand? And he goes, 60? And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, well, you figure I can get all the way up to dog and cat. And I was like, do you think you could kill a cat? He was like, yeah. I was like, I couldn't get a cat out of a tree. You think once he gets his hands on it, he could kill it? He goes, do they know I'm killing it? And I went, well, they're going to know once you start strangling it. Yeah. They think they're going to be like, this is the weirdest massage. That is so scary. Dude, the shark death or the lion death? Shark death? Hang on, let's walk you through it, okay? Well, let's just know this. The lion death's going to be quicker. You're going to die quicker. The shark death is going to happen, and then he's going to let you sit there as he does a lap, and then comes back. That's what I'm saying. The shark's going to bite you, and then, like, yeah, then start swimming around you, and you're going to be, like, scared. You're going to know what's happening. You're going to be screaming, in the water. Your chunk of your leg is missing. You're bleeding profusely, and then you're like, I'm about to die, and I'm looking at the shark. The lion, you're going to be scared if you know what's coming, but it's going to bite your neck and just try to crush it right away. So it's going to go for your neck and just crush your neck. And I'm allergic to cats. That's another thing. Your eyes will be itching and red, and your nose is going to get congested. Oh, and I'm going to have an asthma attack, and he'll be biting my neck. But the crazy thing is your spinal snaps so fast, that you won't really feel that much. What animal would you rather attack you, a bear or a lion? I think the lion, still, because it goes for your neck. Okay, then what would you rather, a lion or ten dogs? Oh, fuck. These are vicious killing dogs. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're going to suffer more in that one. It's going to be so fucking brutal, dude. - All right, now you ready? Okay. You get attacked by 10 dogs, but the owner of those dogs is there. Would you rather the owner be a woman, a black dude, or a guy, a Latina who doesn't speak English? How do you want to go out? No, okay, hold on. So, okay, you got to think. If it's the woman, she's going to be going, they're friendly. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hang on. Guys, stop it. Stop it. If it's a black guy, he's probably like, he's probably like, get some, get some. He's like, get some. And then if it's a Mexican guy, you don't know what he's saying. I do. Yeah, I think, you know, we've taken so much from black culture. I'll take the black guy. Yeah. A little payback. Okay. Yeah. How about monkeys, though? What about chimps? Right? They bite your fingers off. They take your jaw. They take, look. They do this. And they pull your jaw out of your face. And they always rip your testes off because they know you're a male. And they know you'll reproduce with that. So they rip your testicles off. And then they peel skin off your back like they're strips of bacon with their hands, you know? So then what's the, the question is, chimp or gorilla? Yeah. Well, the gorilla might just, just pounce you, right? Just, and then throttle you down. So it's going to, it's going to play with you. It's going to think you're a toy for a while. But you'll probably be unconscious pretty quick. See, I think that, I think you suffer more at the hands of the chimps. You know, I think you suffer more. Would you rather be killed by 10 women or 10 men? That's a real crazy pivot. I thought we were talking about animals. 10 women is going to take like 45, 50 minutes. Are these badass women, though? It's just regular women. Regular women? Regular women, regular men. And are you? Pull them off a fucking frontier flight. And they just start, what, pummeling you? And they're like, guys, we've got $100 million. You got to kill this guy. You got one day to do it. And then they just start fucking beating you until you die. So it may take like a day. But you're going to be fighting the wimps. See, the guys, you just. No, you're going to fight, but you're going to get tired. You can hit a lot of women, though. 10 regular dudes. You're probably stronger than the regular dude. Okay, but still, like, 10 of them is a lot. 10's a lot. So I can see how, like, but like, as, let's say three women, three of the 10 are in front of you, you're going to start punching women in the face, right? And in the throat, and they're breaking some ribs. I mean, let's say you knock out three or four of them. How fun would the first fucking minute and a half be? Of hitting that woman? Just beating the fuck out of the first three women that come your way. And just being like, so no one's going to say anything. Wow. And they're like, there's $100 million. There's $100 million bounty on your head, dude. And then, yeah, and then, I mean, the thing is. But are these, like, gross fucking Philly chicks who, like, you know what I mean? Like, who really know how to scrap? Or are these, like, Midwest moms? No, let's make it, let's make it a bunch of fucking Philly bitches. Yeah, they're tough, dude. That are like, yo, they're, like, wiping their nose and shit. They're like, this is going to get fucking good. It's fucking on. E-A-G-L-E-S. Eagles, go birds. Let's get Tommy. Yeah. That's going to be rough, dude. I mean, you're going to, you are going to have a little bit of fun cracking a few jaws. But, I don't know, 10 of them is a lot, dude. 10's a lot. I'd rather be beaten. I'd rather be killed. By 10 guys. By 10 men. Yeah, I think so. Just for the story, you know? Yeah. Pride. What language would you like to die to the least? Like, because you figure, we've fought in wars. People have died to Iraqi or whatever that is. Oh, Arabic. Arabic, yeah. Arabic. People have died to German. Yeah. That's a rough one because it sounds scary. Sandra's raising her hand. People have died to Vietnamese. Vietnamese sounds like, it's like a little like, right? I don't. But it's more like round. It's more round. It's like, as opposed to Japanese, which is. And then, and then Vietnamese is like. What do you think, would you like it or dislike it to be suffering at the hands of an Asian more? Because you know they're colder, right? Okay, hold on. So you got to think of the moment, right? The moment you don't want is when they say something and then they laugh to themselves. Yeah. So what language? What language would you like? You got to think Bobby Lee killing you. Like an Irish accent. You think you're getting out of this one, boyo. But you understand that one. Yeah, I know. You're not. Yeah, you understand that. No, but they're talking in Gaelic. We're like. Oh, right. That would be more like. That would be more frustrating because it's close. You'd be like, could you just say it in English? You're right. I'd be like, can you fucking stop? I bet the Vietnamese one sucks. I bet the Vietnamese one would because it's a little, no offense, Sandra, but it's a little goofier. You know, and it's, it sounds like there's like a comic relief to it and you always feel like you're getting let go. And you're like, what, for real? No, no, you, not you. Not you, him. Yeah. And they'll break your arms first and your legs. Not you. I'm trying to do, I'm trying to do Vietnamese. Not you, him. Not you, him. That's it. It's like Angela Johnson's nail salon. You got boyfriend? Mm-hmm. Italian would be sexy to die to. Spanish. I wouldn't mind dying to Spanish. Right. I bet at a certain point you just fall asleep. I just, but it would suck if it was like a Chechnyan guy just saying, you're like, I don't know what the fuck's happening. I don't know. Russian would suck. Suck. Yeah. Chinese, like Mandarin. I'd rather die to English and know what we're saying. And now, now what English accent would you like to die to? Would you like to die to a British accent, like a Cockney? Like, all right. Looks like we're cutting his knickers off. I think I would rather die, if I was going to die, make it more refined Brit. I think that would just be more pleasant thing to hear. Yeah. It feels great. It feels cleaner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A refined bit as opposed to American accent. Oh. Oh, I, I. Yeah. I don't want to listen to that while I'm dying. American would suck. What American accent would be the worst to die to? Probably that fucking. Like a Southern. No, Southern accent. Because it doesn't sound smart. It doesn't sound smart. And you feel like you're being bested by someone dumber than you. That's exactly right. Same with that Mid-Atlantic accent, which is like that Philly, Baltimore accent. That would suck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A Pittsburgh accent would suck to die to. Yeah. Yins. For sure. Fucking Canadian accent. Okay. No. I don't want to die to that. We're going to kill you, eh? That would suck. Take his tarp off. Okey dokey. Eh. Oh, this is going to be a long day, but oh. Oh, you're not going to like anything we do to you. I think you hit the key thing, though. If you feel like it's dumber, then it's worse. Yeah. No offense to the Vietnamese people, but like, yeah, like I said, Vietnamese earlier and I was saying, cause it's more round and like where Japanese sounds more precise and it's more, but you're right. I think the dumber the accent, the, that sounds mildly racist, but the dumber the accent. Yeah. Then the worst it is. Yeah. Even for like the homegrown stuff. Can I tell you something wildly racist that a black guy told me? Yeah. Okay. So I was touring. I was with this guy and I, we casually saw a picture of a black dude without a mustache and you don't have a mustache right now. Well, it's growing in. And no, no, but you don't have one. You have like hair there. Yeah. And I said, you know, a long time ago I heard, um, I heard that black guys without facial hair are gay. And he goes, my dad told me that when I was a kid and I was like, for real. And he was like, yeah. And I was, and I started Googling it and it's kind of accurate. Like most, almost all. All. Straight. Black dudes. Have facial hair. Interesting. And then he said, and this is even wilder. And once you go on Instagram, you can't unsee this. He said that when he was growing up, someone told him, cause I'm not incriminating anyone that light skinned black people, uh, act up a little more, act blacker than dark skinned black people. And so. He was told. He was just sharing with him. Like this, me and the bus. And now all I, I, and it's like, it's like the out, it's like your phone hears you, Tom, all I get on my thing is light skin black chicks who are like, who are like talking almost like they're making fun of black people. Like her, I don't walk through the mall heard her, you know, like it's like crazy. I'm doing a bad impression of it, but it's like, it's like with a toothpick in her mouth and she's like, and, and clearly. She's light skin. And he told me that, and it's like now that he said that I can't unsee it. yeah yeah i'm gonna look for it now i feel like it's all it's gonna pop up it's like when donnell told us that black people like pepsi more yeah yeah the reasons why yeah and then tom every time i've been in a restaurant and they don't have coke it's a black waiter going all we have is pepsi every time every time and i'm like do you like pepsi and i go i love it i love that menthols i love pepsi products what would what would be the what they should do there should be one chain that signs a wild deal with rc cola and just goes that's all we got all we got's rc cola and you're like wow we're like what would be the brand like fago would be cool uh-huh pull up brands of sodas would you like because you got the pepsi products the coke products then you got fago you got rc you got fanta fans probably in the pepsi right yeah let's see dr pepper do you like dr pepper i love dr pepper yeah pepper is good i like mr pibb more really i like mr pibb and i like nw i got into those root beers and cream sodas the sugar-free ones i think that's the best sugar-free thing out there but do you notice do you notice that if you crack one of those the carbonation goes so fast like if you don't drink it right away i drink i drink a diet root beer so fast that you don't notice it that i don't know i drink it within two sips two sips two sips i drink a diet root beer that's how fast they go down and i'll tell you mugs diet root beer is way sweeter than anyone out there i do think that this uh health conscious stuff is a pile of that's always a bummer when you go coke and they go we have spin drift and you're like what the are you talking about uh i'll tell you what is really good have you had ollie pop yet no i'm gonna buy a case for your boys when i'm in austin really they're gonna love ollie pop ollie pop tastes like candy but it's like 25 calories it's ollie pops legit um all right i think saint patty's day is ours i don't think they celebrate it they do they did but they don't celebrate it the way we do maybe not i don't know i think our saint i was in dublin for saint patty's day one year they have a parade and stuff it's big but it's almost like uh it's like light-skinned black chicks it's exactly like that we're the light-skinned black chicks of of saint patty's day right right that's a really good point yeah they're like what are you talking about we're super dark we don't need to do that right his his uh his examples and i i gotta have on my podcast so that he can defend his examples but his examples were spot on and i'm not gonna step my toe into it yeah i think black people already know what i'm saying i think it's common within the culture they know what i'm saying yeah but but i'm probably misrepresenting it but his examples were wild well you gotta get them to post them tell them to post those that'd be fun uh i can i gotta say this i want to get vince vaughn on the podcast i want us to interview vince vaughn his new movie nick and alice and nick and mike what's it called it's so it looks so good did you see it i haven't seen it i got it i saw the trailer and i reached out to hulu i think it's on hulu and i and i wanted to see have you seen mike and nick and nick and alice mike and nick and nick and alice it looks so good tom it looks do you wanna watch the trailer i've seen the trailer oh it's dude i am so excited for this movie this is everything i want comedy and time travel shut the up i'm so pumped for this movie great this movie and have you seen the the trailer for uh peaky blinders no the movie the movie peaky blinders is coming out in theaters then on netflix i'm gonna go in theaters and i'll watch it again on a plane and then and have you seen the seven kingdoms of the knight of seven kingdoms you have not seen the knight of seven kingdoms i have not seen the knight of seven kingdoms is that the name of it the knight of seven kingdoms it is game of thrones but for like 20 million so you know game of thrones the night a knight of seven kingdoms it's hbo it is on max it is so good but i also didn't watch all of uh game of thrones don't need to well you kind of need to a little bit a little bit you need to but uh but not really it's so this is a is it excellent yeah and they did it low budget you can kind of tell it's low budget not to be shitty but like when you you when you watch it you'll see certain shots and you'll see watch it you'll see certain shots where you're like where you say to yourself what was the budget for this yeah and then you find out it's six million an episode they did 20 million for five episodes so like you know they you know they kind of part and parceled it a little bit yeah but uh you're really into this this is really good okay all right well we got to wrap it up uh are we done yeah next episode will be in austin yes and then uh i will have picked your boys up from school yeah they're gonna love that dude so i'll just sleep on your couch sure if you want to i guess i'll sleep in a hotel we'll make it work dude you gotta do you gotta start posting about what you guys did you and epstein you gotta tell stories look guys everybody has been talking i'm finally gonna tell you here's what epstein was like you'll see that i'm in the files i should do i should do an omission like like just go like so it's out now i'm in the apps hey did you know i was in the epstein list wait am i not in the epstein list you are did you make this up no pull it up yourself see if there's a result when you search the department of justice epstein files i'm gonna do some i'll tell you what i'm gonna do i'm gonna do some deep research in my epstein affiliation and if if i need to i'll come clean yeah just tell your i'll tell you what i'm gonna do i'm gonna do some deep research in my epstein list tell people about your friend just talk about your friend or call him an associate like people like i met him but you know i met him and we hung out at a few parties he made me call him sig up yeah and he called you conqueror conqueror yeah conqueror a lot of roller coaster questions back then he was really into the intimidator and topsoil dragster hey what just what do the lines look like the dragster and i go they're long and he goes how old are the girls in that line yeah i was like what i never understood i was always like huh huh he's like those water parks what is the age limit there and you go you kept going like wait why do you want me to bring my kids for everything yeah wait so wait like the average height is this how to ride that ride but like what age is that that goes this high yeah how old is this no jeff how old is this that's so fun all right um it was fun it was good to see you buddy i love you i'll see you uh i'll see you next week in austin thank you guys bye bert and tom tom and bert one goes top of the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and bert's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave you want to see more of us on our youtube channel? subscribe to our youtube channel and hit the bell so you don't miss out on any of our new videos! you want to impress them on a first date but also play it cool so what do you do i'm rufy thorpe and so what do you do i'm rufy thorpe and so what do you do i'm rufy thorpe and i wrote and read a real love story about a i wrote and read a real love story about a i wrote and read a real love story about a hinged couple that navigated exactly that hinged couple that navigated exactly that hinged couple that navigated exactly that listen to the free audiobook now