The Most Embarrassing Stories I’ve Ever Heard!

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Today, we're gonna go over some embarrassing stories that we can find on Reddit, okay? What's better than people falling flat on their face or shitting their pants out in public or whatever? Nothing. People don't realize I have a toupee. It's been four years and I got the toupee when I saw my hair was thinning and not when I was fully bald, so it was a pretty seamless transition and nobody knows. In fact, my friends and family compliment my hair all the time, and I lie that I have this elaborate hair care routine. Some of them even call me "Hollywood Hair" as a nickname. This is like, the perfect crime here. You've figured it out. You gotta like, really- Once you see it thinning a little, it's like, "Bro, just go for it." People will never know. It's perfect. Well, I was officiating my friend's wedding last week and all my friends and family were there. He got married in the Northeast, right on the water, and it was some of the strongest winds I have ever felt in my life. Bad. Not good. I never had an issue with my toupee in the wind before, but it was so intense that halfway through them getting married, one side of my toupee lifted off my head and was flapping in the breeze. The gasp from the crowd was like, It was so loud. I guess that's what I get for not being honest. I love the idea of two people getting married, and it's just like, "Yeah, hey, uh, yeah. Speak now. Forever hold your peace." Um, I'm sorry that happened to you, Hollywood. Um, they must have been devastated, you know? It's a wedding to remember. I would say the bride and groom are probably pissed off because no one's gonna remember that day as, you know, their wedding. They're just gonna remember it the day that Hollywood hair was finally exposed. I took a girl I had been seeing to a couple's massage because I thought it would be romantic. It was super expensive in a nice place, and she was so excited. Everything was going well. We were both in the room getting massages. It was my first time ever getting a massage. One thing I never knew was that a massage can have side effects, one of them being an upset stomach or having to go to the bathroom. Is that a thing? I don't get a massage and get diarrhea. Apparently, since it's such a sudden increase of blood flow, it can lead to nausea and your body needing to release waste. Well, I guess I'm one of those people that happens to because I was so relaxed that I had no idea diarrhea was dripping out of my ass during the massage. Oh, my God. The last time I got a massage, I was fighting back a fart the entire time, and it didn't help that she was, like, rubbing it out of me. I was like, "Lady, you have no idea the bubble that you're creating and trying to force out of me." But luckily, my sphincter held up. Suddenly, the masseuse screamed. I wonder if that's something that they deal with all the time. I always think about, like, when a really hairy dude comes in, and they're probably like, "Fuck," because, like, a lot of hair with, like, oil, it just, like, looks, you know? But this, now you gotta deal with this. Shit. Suddenly, the masseuse screamed because the wet poop was getting everywhere. All over the table and on the floor, she screamed and left the room, and the girl looked up from her table to see me sitting in my own moist feces. Dude, there is no coming back from that. There isn't. That's, like, the worst date ever. She's gonna remember that for the rest of her life. I don't know if many people have had worse dating experiences than that, and no, she was not able to laugh at all if there were no more dates after that one. Yeah, uh, yeah. No kidding, there was no dates after that one. I don't—you know how hard it would be to date someone? The first ti—your first impression is like, "Well, I did see them covered in shit. I did see that." I don't know how you can kind of dig yourself out of that hole. And if you did, you're probably the most charming guy in the world. Uh, I'm sorry that this happened to you. I would be devastated, although I do find it hard to believe that you had no idea that diarrhea was just falling out all over the ground. You don't feel that diadoodle coming out? Come on, dude. Had to use my wife's phone for a day because mine broke and I had a bunch of calls to make. We had a group text with our girlfriends that was simply named "Girls Only" that kept getting messages. Oh, no. I knew it was wrong, but it went into the chat. Can I say something before we continue? I don't think I would ever go into my girls' chat, like, group chat. I'd be terrified, bro. Well, I don't need to know what girls are talking about, and I especially don't need to know what they all think about me. You know, like, I'm gonna do my best, but I don't wanna read my report card. You know what I mean? Like, I just don't want that. And it's a group chat, okay? So, like, no one's being nice. All the politeness is stripped out. It's a group chat. I don't need to see that type of feedback. I knew it was wrong, but I went into the chat and discovered that her and all her closest girlfriends have a group chat dedicated to updating each other on their sexual experiences with their husbands. Here are the things I learned from scrolling through it. Not only did you go through it, you wrote 'em down?! Like, and now you're sharing 'em?! I'm excited, though. "One of my best friends is into animal roleplay." I would've stopped reading there. Honestly, if I'm, like, if I'm gonna do this, right? Gettin' in, we're cannonballing into the female group chat, and I see, "Yo, your buddy Dave is into animal play." I'd be like, "That's where it ends." I don't wanna know any of that, dude. "He can't get off unless he pretends he's a lion catching a gazelle, and then he fucks the gazelle instead of eating it." That means that she's probably leaping all over that, 'cause you ever see a gazelle? They jump, like, 12 feet in the air. So she's leaping around the apartment, and then he eventually gets her. He gets his paws on her. That's crazy to imagine. God bless 'em. Those people are gonna stay together. You know, if you're doing the whole lion and gazelle thing, they're gonna be together forever. There's no breaking up with that. How could you go from lion and gazelle to nothing? You know, you would have to, like, she would have to be another gazelle. That's hard to find. "My wife's best friend has her vagina pierced in three places." Whoa, dude. Three places? That is interesting. One. I get it. Three. What are we doing? This is a jewelry drawer now. "My wife told her friends that my penis has an obscure curve to it." "And when we first started dating, it freaked her out, but she's gotten used to it." Oh, you don't want to hear that. You know, see, this is the type of thing I don't want to read. It's like, if I've got a curved wiener, I don't want to hear that, like, "Yeah, you know, it freaked me out, but what are you gonna do? I got used to it." You know, roll with the punches. Like, that's fucked up. "My wife said I have the hip movement of a geriatric man with amputated legs, but my size makes up for it." She's saying it's nonexistent. That's what I believe that she is saying. "Yeah, I don't know, that's a tough one, but my size makes up for it. Saved it right there." You know, we were heading towards a divorce, but then you saved it right there. "It was so disturbing how much she shared, and we were having all her friends over for my birthday party in two weeks. I'm not sure if I should confront my wife about this." Abso-fucking-lutely not. Are you insane? Dude, no way. Don't bring this up. Just be under the assumption that girls will talk about stuff like this, and, you know, she's being funny. Oh, he's got the hip movement of a geriatric--like, it's their group chat, dude. They can do that there. Does she actually feel like that? Probably. But not as, like, crazy as it sounds. Let them be girls and do their little thing and whatever. Bro, you never watch Sex and the City. They're sitting at brunch talking about anal. They're gonna chat about it. You know, you definitely shouldn't bring it up. You definitely shouldn't bring it up. Even if you're not comfortable talking to your boys about that type of stuff, which I'm not one of those guys to talk about the intimate details of my life, I would never share that. Like, if I was a lion and someone's a gazelle, like, I would never--you know, some things are private. You know what? Just--you guys do that thing and just play it cool. It's fine. You know? Also, if you're gonna bring it up at this party and be like, hey--if you're gonna bring it up to your wife, like, hey, you're gonna--you're saying all this stuff about us, then you gotta confront your boy, too. In, like, a subtle way, be like, yo, do you think you could ever be king of the jungle or something? You know? Like, find out. Turn on Nat Geo and be like, yo, is anyone else, like, feeling something? All right, before we continue with this video, we do have some sponsors, the first one being SeatGeek. SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app in the App Store, and that is the one that I've been using for years now. I love it so much. I love the transparency. Okay? They have a color-coded system where they let you know if you're paying a good price for a ticket or a bad price for a ticket. If there's dark red, stay away from that. Dark green? That's really good. Okay? You're getting a good price for that ticket. So take someone really nice in your life out to a baseball game or maybe a Broadway play, monster truck rally--I don't know what you're into--whatever you want, anything ticketed, any sporting event, you can find it, or a concert, you can find it on SeatGeek. So go download the SeatGeek app, and I'm gonna save you some money, okay? You will get 10% off of any ticket if you use the code "JOE2025," okay? All you have to do is download that SeatGeek app, plug in that code "JOE2025," and you will get 10% off of any ticket on the app, okay? The good weather is coming, so you might as well start buying your tickets now so you can do something nice. When it's nice and warm outside, all right? Get outside. Get out of the bedroom. "JOE2025." Use the code and get 10% off your tickets. You're welcome. My boss is good at his job, but he's kind of a dick. I have a weekly meeting every Friday with him and three other members of my team. The meetings are kind of pointless, and my boss just likes to hear himself talk. My boyfriend knows how much I hate these meetings on Fridays, so we made a plan to have some fun instead. I signed onto the meeting with my camera turned off. I told the team my computer camera is broken, and that I'd get it fixed next week so my camera and mic was off. The meeting started. My boyfriend came in, and he started eating my taco, literally the least favorite way to hear that. He started eating my taco, for lack of a better term. There's so many other terms. It was honestly so hot to be doing that during a meeting. I will go on record. This is fire so far, and I know that's going to take a turn, but it's fire so far. I got super into it and was moaning like a hyena on coke. Never. I can't even imagine what that sounds like. We have a cat. I don't like this. I don't like the addition of the kitty cat. I don't like that. He's nosy and loves to jump on my laptop when I'm on it. Well, I was so into what my boyfriend was doing that I didn't notice my cat jump on the keyboard. And of course he turned my mic on. Better than the camera. Better than the camera, but still not great. It must have been a full 30 seconds of me moaning and orgasming as loudly as I could. When I looked up and saw the microphone icon was no longer muted, my stomach dropped. After about 10 seconds, my boss just started talking again. When the meeting was over, I left without saying a word. This happened two days ago. I'm not sure if anyone will be able to see it. mention it no one's gonna mention it hopefully unless they're psycho they're not gonna bring it up but everyone knows she could get fired are there rules against that listen if it's not in the the the co-working handbook that i can't get my taco weight during a meeting then like you can't fire me you know what i mean i do think that maybe a lot of dudes in the office will you know be like oh so how how are you my husband found out i had a bank account with ninety thousand dollars in it and got super mad at me for hiding it from him i told him how i made the money and it made it even worse when we first got married we had money problems before my husband got a new high-paying job so i took it upon myself to earn some extra money i knew that something in the realm of only fans or light sex work could be very lucrative but i wanted to do it in a way that wouldn't give away my identity and wouldn't feel like i was selling my body or showing too much so i did a deep dive into the world of fetishes and landed on tapeworms this is quite the deep dive tapeworms dude i would have went to feet immediately tapeworms i don't even know what i'm about to read i couldn't i can't even think of a word to say about tapeworms i don't even know what i'm about to say about anything sexual with a tapeworm i discovered that there are some guys who have tapeworm fetishes so i had a friend photoshop fake x-ray showing a tapeworm in my intestines and i made an account on a fetish website within three months i was making an extra fifteen to twenty thousand dollars a month from a group of about twelve men who were obsessed with my tapeworm they would pay me weekly to feed my tapeworm so that it could thrive and eat good and not die one man paid ten thousand dollars for me to name the tapeworm after him oh my god i would have started a billion more at that point first of all i'm not against i'm not against this i would definitely tapeworm for ten thousand dollars i'll call it whatever others would pay a thousand dollars at a time for updated x-ray photos of it i would send fake photos each time morally this is wrong the dudes want to see a real tapeworm they're paying ten thousand dollars to name it you should you should get a tapeworm all right they never pressed me on the legitimacy i would make videos showing just my stomach with me talking to my tapeworm my husband ended up getting his new job the same year so i stopped doing it and i was like i'm gonna do it again tapeworm work and kind of forgot about my account i'm not sure what's going to happen bro i don't understand if i'm your husband if anything i have a newfound respect for you that you're just like yo you're a fucking genius you know what i mean i hope you cleared the search history because the government may come knocking one day like i don't know how how many things you had to say no to before you landed on yep tapeworm i'm assuming hundreds but god bless i would be like bro get two tapeworms be the first person with two like get two make them fight name the other one double the price like let's get a whole fucking get five tapeworms dude whatever it is who cares this would be great also those dudes who are paying it now i they never question you on legitimacy they don't give a shit they don't care as long as the x-rays come in you know what i mean they don't give a fuck it's like this rib cage looks different than the last rib cage but i don't care the worms right there i'm down they're here for the worm that's it i am not computer savvy at all i'm 54 years old and barely know how to use my laptop i mostly scroll through facebook from time to time to keep up with the family i recently started getting into googling things online that's such a crazy sentence i just started googling the fuck i know it sounds silly but it's like a whole new world i discovered i've been having some lady issues recently and i thought i was googling my vagina is very very itchy what should i do but somehow i actually posted that onto my facebook account my daughter saw it two days later and told me what happened i hadn't gone on facebook since and apparently it had a lot of from my high school boyfriend from over 40 years ago that said i can help with that what does that mean first of all this is very easy you go hacked got hacked someone's fucking with me and that happens so often back in the day that if someone says something like this you assume they're hacked it's safe to assume that no one's accidentally being like yo my shit is very very itchy what do i do also you know what you do you go to the doctor bro what are you googling what do you think there's gonna be a home remedy you take two tylenol and put crisco on it and it's gonna bro go to the doctor also your high school boyfriend's a fucking weirdo i can help with the itch what the fuck does that mean my girlfriend got home from the gym and had her airpods in so i very loudly yelled to her babe get your sweaty ass over here you know i love when you have that gym stank on you it turns me into a homebody freak i'm gonna lick it off you it turns out she was on the phone with her dad and he heard me loud and clear i have to see him this weekend and i'm looking for a way out yeah that's a toughie unless you're like a funny jokey guy then you could be like i knew you were on the other end of the phone dude i was fucking around it was a joke it's a bad joke i mean him being mad at you for making inappropriate jokes is way better than him knowing that you eat your girlfriend's dirty ass you know like that's much better dude uh that's that's brutal so uh good luck i don't know i was at my girlfriend's mom's retirement party at her parents house they have an amazing backyard with two soccer goals and me and her cousins were playing i'm not great at soccer but i'm athletic enough and the game was getting super competitive and intense i got the ball past me in front of the net and i kicked it as hard as i could trying to win the game i absolutely launched this ball this thing was a rocket but unfortunately it soared right past the goal towards the pool where the party was her parents have a small yorkie dog do not tell me that this happens and right as the dog was getting ready to go i was like oh my god he's walking past the pool the ball hit it like a bullet the dog fell right into the pool and apparently it couldn't swim or was too stunned to swim and started sinking right to the bottom her dad had to run from the grill to jump in and save it it was a disaster luckily she didn't break up with me i'm glad that the dog is alive dude i'm just glad the dog is alive this dude launched a soccer ball fucking ronaldo bang teacup yorkie i'm surprised it didn't just turn into feathers or fur whatever the fuck they have i'm picturing the dad he's at the grill and he's like dude that's bad that's like a fucking what's it called what's the movie meet the parents type of shit i'm a big dude 66 250 and had to have surgery on my calves because of varicose veins the day of the surgery i was told to completely get completely undressed and put on the generic open back gown i was led to the operating room by a nurse and was placed on a cold metal table they administered some local anesthesia to my legs and after about 10 minutes laying naked in a cold brightly lit room waiting to be sliced up i was super anxious so i was laying there still eyes closed trying not to panic the nurse said anesthesia has been given patient ready doctor one walks to the ot table and says wow big fucker wow big fucker but such a small dick the other doctor laughed and i opened my eyes and said what did you say this is awesome the nurse panicked and reminded them it's just local anesthesia on the leg and that i was still conscious nobody said another word to me for the rest of the operation dude not only is this a hysterical story that you can tell for the rest of your life and it's not that you sue the doctor sue the hospital they have enough money healthcare should be free take them for fucking every dollar they have big fucker such a small dick like yo doc give me a fucking break dude you got a dick i'm on a cold table you numbed my legs give me a break you know what i mean i'm six six two fifty you put a 10 inch dick on me it's gonna look small i'm massive this isn't fair you're not giving me a fair shot let me go in the bathroom and slap it around you come back in here and you give me a second opinion all right wow i don't think i've had anything that embarrassing happen to me yet i'm sure that there's still time for stuff like that to happen but god bless these people thank you for sharing um yeah don't forget to subscribe we'll see you next time