The Mental Illness Episode

[Music] Hey you all! Hey! Welcome! Blind box! They don't know if they're for this is. I want a pop-tart so bad. Dude, here, have one. No, it's okay. Exactly. No. Well, because I'm going to eat one in a way where I need privacy. Well, the concept of a pop-tart and she'll eat cheese fritos. I'm just hungry. No. And I know about that. Yeah. Guys, we're behind this industry. We're day three. We're day three. We're day three. We're day three in a row filming. Different things. Because obviously, the love island is in full effect. So we're doing the love island filming. We have some zikning guests coming. So we have some guests filming. Because you know we got to work in the girl's schedules. And we're just like, you know what I mean. We're just like, have you ever talked for two hours at a time, three days in a row? Yeah. We're just doing all shit, ten of talking. We're doing a lot of talking. And we're doing a lot of talking. But in the name of love island, I will simply not ever complain again. Because when I saw Wydlin's fucking reposts yesterday of everyone being like, where the fuck is Wydlin? Maybe I can't complain. Mind you, the last video he put out for episode seven was an hour long. An hour long. An hour long. And every episode that he's been doing is at least like 20 to 30 minutes. Every single goddamn day. 20 to 30 minutes he's watching them the night of editing, filming and posting them. Wydlin, you don't want a movie. You don't want a movie TV podcast with me. And it really shows. No, and wake up the fuck up. Because when he was talking and he was like, I keep pausing every winding. I was like, I know somebody who you would love. And it's my friend. I'm so Wydlin core. No, Wydlin. No, I literally texted to Wydlin and I was like, you don't want a TV podcast. And he said, yes, I do. Girl, of course, he would, yeah. But I'm like, you don't want to move to LA and it just shows. Not everybody wants to move to LA. I know. You know what I mean? I know. And I understand. I'm just being selfish. I just love Wydlin so much. And I just like, when he was here, it was like a month. It was like every single thing to me. Like, I just literally love the fuck out of Wydlin and staff so much. Like, they're just the best. Yes. And because of that, I'm like, if LA and your piece, I'm going to protect your piece, y'all. Yeah. If it was up to me, though, of course, of course, y'all play. Of course, I can. Y'all listening, y'all play. But it's okay. Yeah. I've noticed that about you. I know that the coast calls. Um, well, anyways, what's been going on? I'm fucking up this pop star. I don't know. I'm not the rest of my hair off. I don't know what to say. I'm just feeling free. Feeling free, girl. Kind of feeling like a little boy, but in a way that I love. Like, I'm kind of fucking with lately the vibe of just absolutely like obliterating the prisons of the mind. Oh, I know about that. Like, at this point, it's like, I don't even really give a fuck what I look like. But what I do know is that my neck is cold. Yeah. And I'll, and I'll take that. Yeah. So, yeah. And shit's like, young hoes run free. And we do run free. So it's just kind of like, yeah, I know about that. The mouthful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I have like, I've been having such a gnarly fucking like just a lot happening in my mental department, which is so crazy because I feel like, you know, especially now that because I'm on birth control and it really like regulates my hormones. And I have shit going on mentally like my mental health is fucked up. It's so abrasive and apparent. And before I used to like literally be able to be like, well, it's because like my period are like, right. PMDD. But now it's just like, no, baby, that's you. It's giving that billboard off the freeway that's like, what if we treated our mental health like our physical health? Yeah. Because that's the tea too. You know, yeah. You know, I just went through the great depression too. So I see you. Yeah. Like, there's practices and things and like, you know, it's just it's just one of them things where it's like, damn, we be forgetting that the mental health will also be like, got your nose. Yeah. But you also deserve like the time and all the things to do what you need to do. It really was just like the B2B like traveling of going from like Vegas to Cabo to Dallas. And then getting sick, guys, getting sick, genuinely fox my shit up so bad as everyone knows. But like, I just haven't been sick in so long. Like I honestly can't remember the last time I was sick. Like I didn't even get sick this winter, which is so rare. Usually I get like a little colder, a little one too, but I got like a little like summer sinus infection, which I got a sinus infection last year around this time. And I don't even know if it was like fully a sinus infection, it was like honestly giving just really bad allergies and like a lot of congestion and stuff. Um, I was absolutely fucking miserable like so miserable and um, I couldn't run. Also my knee was feeling super fucking weird and I literally thought I had like tore my meniscus and was just feeling insanely paranoid. So it started this like really bad mental spiral that I didn't recognize at first that I was like having a mental spiral and of course keeping this all to myself, having had therapy in three weeks. Right. So that'll do it. Right. And literally what I tell you that like I just have been having a crash out low key and it's just been like absolutely fucking insane and so now I'm kind of like post crash out and post like spiral and I'm just like, whoa, what was that? That was really fucking crazy. Yeah. Also have been having the most insane dreams, bro. Like dreams that I'm just like what the fuck's going on? You should listen to those. I know, but the thing is, is like, I don't, yeah, I'm not even like taking anything crazy because I was like, did I add something into like into my routine that like it's the mental bit. It's the mental, but I'm like, dude, absolutely just like terrifying, stressful, ass dreams. We should be looking at those and, and holding space, you know, in the, in the practice of letting the anxiety not be something that you're trying to push away, but letting it reveal to you what the fear is here and the deep stress us so we can like talk to her, like take me up to the CEO. Yeah. Well, I'm like, dude, I've just been having also, I just feel like on some like, raw shit. I feel like my OCD's been so bad, like the rumination of it all. It's all connected. It is all connected, but I just feel like usually I have like a pretty decent grip on like silencing the voices or like talking back to them, whatever. This time they have just been like full out, like full fledged, like straight up, like crazy ass compulsions that like I didn't even know about or have existed and like I was reading this book about it like yesterday because I was like, okay, it's just like enough. Getting to figure something out. Yeah, it's just like enough slices and shit. And the way the book was like reading me the fuck down or just not reading me down, but honestly really validating because I feel like, you know, with OCD specifically it's such a fucking god damn. That one is just like a mother fucker for real, like I don't know, you don't even realize that you're having like things that are like compulsions or like intrusive thoughts or whatever. All the sudden I'll be like two hours deep in like a fucking spiral and then I'm like, or literally a whole 24 hours. Oh. Yeah. Oh. So he's getting like one of those for a second and that was like actually like cat sigh fucking gnarly. Well, and in my head cooking up a break for you. Yeah. And then I was like literally pinkies up by cat sigh dude. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. I mean obviously different, but from just what I'm hearing, I'm like, yeah, I'm projecting on you that I fucking see you and I just feel like there are a lot of slices happening and like you are also like a tough through Barbie. So it's kind of like, well, let's not do that all the time, because you don't have to. It is giving that. And like that is honestly something that I really do want to work on because like yesterday I was like in like, I don't know, I do really be like suffering in silence. Yeah. This is like the first time hearing about this, like dead ass right now. I'm just, no, that's what I do, although you don't have to, that's the thing though. You don't have to, you know, whatever. You're allowed to. No, but that's what I mean. Like I feel like, oh, me about to cry. That's okay. Oh. We're very second episode or very second episode or third day or yes, yes, no, but dude, I just feel like. Oh. We also don't have to work or you just talk. No. I feel like this should like real as fuck though, like not even on some like, you guys can see me. You guys can't see me cry. It's like not a big deal. I just feel as though like I've just been having like, I'm just really in my Saturn return as fuck. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm just feel like, I'm just having like all these real like me having a crash out. This is the crash out episode. That's what I see. We don't have to. No, it's really fine. It's really fine. I feel like. - I feel like it's good to see a crash out like URL. Do you guys not? - You know, I would be doing the same thing but I'm just saying, you know, you're not obligated to. - No, I mean, like, I don't really give a fuck. - I don't really give a fuck. - No, you're supposed to be sure. - I don't give a fuck in the sense that like, I mean, none of this that I'm like talking about is like, it's just real. Like, it's just like real as fuck. Like, I mean, like, if I'm having these feelings, I'm sure you're like, you guys are as well. But I just feel like, I'm, you know what I mean? I'm like, I feel like, oh, I just feel like our lives have changed so much. - Yep. - In the past, like, to and change, you know, to and some change years. - Yeah. - And I just feel like, yeah, yeah. - And I just feel like, it's like starting to catch up with me like right now in this moment. And I just feel like I haven't, I don't know. I mean, it's like the three weeks of like no therapy where I'm just like feeling shit, like how it deeply and stuff. But I don't know, dude. I'm just been like, wait, wait a minute. Like, yeah, I fucking, I see you in a very serious way. But I feel like I definitely opt in for like, suffering in silence because I just am so like, what I need to get rid of is the idea that I'm like, bothering everyone. - Yes. - Yes, we've talked about this as well. - We have talked about this. And like, I don't know, I feel like yesterday, I literally was like spiraling so crazy. Like, mind you, Mew, like didn't even text a friend and say like, hey, like nothing, like whatever. And one of my friends like texted me and was like, hey girl, and like brought something up that I was like, like, she was not even like bringing it up in like a, hey girl, like whatever. I don't know how to explain it. Like essentially, I was spiraling about this topic and I was having a spiral about it, but she brought it up in like a positive way. Like she was like, oh my gosh, hey girl, like this. And I literally sent her a picture of me crying, being like, oh my gosh, like me, like spiraling about this. And we had like a whole conversation and she was like, I just think it's like really crazy that like if I hadn't like randomly texted you this that like you would have just like never told anyone. And I was like, wait, yes, yes. Yes, I need to stop doing that. - I mean, because it's like, I don't know. It's one of those things where obviously like everyone processes things differently. So like if that's comfortable to you then of course, but also like remembering that you have a very serious option of like, you can always hit us up. - Yeah, like always. - Yeah, I think I've just like been, I don't know. I think I walked into the mindset of like everyone's going through something, so like. - Yeah, but I think that's like the thing 'cause I get it and I feel similarly and like you know, I think that we all kind of inherently end up doing a little bit of it by ourselves, if not like half or most. Maybe. - Yeah. - But I mean, I don't know. I think that kind of is like the ebb and the flow. And also like, I think another way to maybe another perspective to think about is allowing it to be opportunities to also like trust that we'll tell you our boundaries too. Like if you came to somebody and like they were just at capacity, like you know, like me like two months ago, I literally was like, huh, like I would've been like, let's just blow it out like whatever. But I think that's something that I also have to remind myself when it comes down to that is like remembering that all of your friends also have agency. And if you came to somebody with something and it really was like not even your bothering me tone positive, but just like, oh girl, like I'm like, you know, I'm already up here, I'm about to say some shit, I don't need me, you know, like I'm about to start being like, let's build them on, like I don't know. Then we will be able to tell you that. And just like allowing for, I don't know, that's just like a perspective shift that sometimes works for me. It's just like, oh, this is a chance for me to kind of like trust that also my friends will let me know their tea and like, that's just it. 'Cause ultimately like we all probably would always have capacity, even though you know, sometimes we be on that 10% where we look like bitches, oh wait, hold on, like no. And I don't know, I think I've just like been experiencing like a new facet of anxiety that I haven't before is really what I'm like coming to understand. Like, I feel like for me, I was, I was like big depression, big like, you know what I mean? Like so cruel, like my super star. So I feel like not overcame, but like got to a place where I have like, like things set up and like management and like. - And it's familiar. - And it's familiar, I'm like hoping to kill the like, I know how to like, you know, like do my little one too. So with me, like a complete derailment, which nothing's a derailment at all. - I know what you mean though. - Yeah, 'cause it's just like, yeah, there's just like, you know, guard rails up, so no one's like falling completely into the gutter. - Totally. - But I feel like with anxiety, I just, she's new to me. Like I, and she's, it's so funny 'cause like, yeah, she's new, she's new. - Yeah, come talk to me. - She's new and I feel like it's very heady for me. It's very like, you know, in my head, I think also, you know, with OCD and just like, the ways that it taps into a new severity of like, I don't know, just intrusive thoughts or like ruminations and shit. Like, I have just been like, wow, chat, that's new. - Yeah, that's new chat. - You know, I fucking see you so seriously. Like, I see you in a serious way. If you ever need anxiety, like situations, you know, come let a bitch know, I'll try to throw some shit at you 'cause that's my wheelhouse. - Yeah. - And that's also why when we hit the Uno reverse and two months ago, like, my anxiety got so bad that I suddenly had depression for some reason. And literally, I was texting you like, yeah, I'm gonna have to come out the cave, like feeling a little embarrassed and you're like, well, I know about that. Like, that's very much how I'm hearing and feeling where I'm like, mama, like, the house built on anxiety. So if you ever, I mean, I don't know everything, but like, obviously, I'm always happy to like, talk about tips and shit. But like, girl, I fucking see you. And I do think that like, we kind of paid dust to like, what has all gone on in the last two years. - No, really. - Yeah, I'm like, we really have this. - We really have. - Well, 'cause we've been grinding, grinding, grinding, which is like, - Up in the club by the garden. - Up in the club. - We be grinding, grinding, grinding, up in the club. That's the only lyric over and over. - Yeah. - Hey guys, we'd like to take a break to think a sponsor of today's episode, Gooder. Gooder sun glasses move with you, making them perfect, sunny day companions. - Gooder is active eyewear for anyone, contracted with special grip-coated frame to eliminate slippage when sweating. All gooder glasses are no slip. They also have glare-reducing polarized lenses with UV400 protection that block 100% of harmful UVA and UVB rays. 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And so I just feel like, I don't know, I guess in some ways I mean this in hope core, like also as your friend who like literally was walking the line of the fucking like one of the twin towers. Like that's a month ago and like gang had to give you down to be like, you're kind of off. I was like, a little, like that's what I was like. Just a little, just a little okay, right? I also think like, we do pay it dust. There's a lot of things to process. Our life is completely fucking different. In every fucking way on top of just the way how life like flows period and just like, y'all the late 20s is exactly what they tell you. It's going to be which like we over here planning hangouts two months in advance. Everybody is some of them went to grad school. Some of them went to Europe and it just like, what I'm like, that's what they said was and some started running. So I'm like, I'm running, because they talk about that too. And some started checking their cholesterol. Like it's just right for the first time ever. Wait, fuck. But I guess I'm kind of a hope core way. I do feel like, I don't know, I'm very much projecting, but I did feel like in the worst of it. Like it was almost like a thing of like, is this just kind of what my life is now? Like is this just kind of where a lot of my operations will be coming from? Like I feel like when new things come up, especially like with the ruminations and like the OCD aspect and like, I wouldn't even speak about that because I'm not diagnosed. But just like the ruminations and like the, the severity and the visceral feeling that it gives you that it literally changes your physical body like actually. And like your days are kind of revolving. around like what my brain doing, I guess? What do I want to say? I guess I'm just trying to say that there's the hope core of knowing 'cause like shit was so severe that I went back to Buddhism genuinely and I'm like very deep in Buddhist teaching right now and like Buddha was spitting and I hate to say-- - No, I know I hate to say. - He was spitting, he was spitting. - He was spitting seriously because the flux mama, whether you like it or not, I just want you to know right now, like I'm literally like protection small and my fucking friend right now, everything will be in flux. You always have us, you can always hit us up, we are happy to like be there for you, but like thank God and nothing stayed the same because on your worst day that will not be how you feel forever, no matter what, even no matter if you did nothing and just really let it fucking rock type shit. Even then it would still be in flow. And also we were talking about this, but I'm like I fear just with the severity of the two years and everything changing on these things, it's like low keto, and this is why I keep meditating, like every single morning, even though I feel a little better now, I'm just like, we gotta get our reps in. 'Cause I think we're doing the thing where it's like two years later, everything fucking changed. Like life is so insane, haven't processed like half the shit, and then you look up and it's like retroactive and now you're literally asking your brain to do a marathon just like offer it off the couch. - No, literally off the couch. - Like off the couch. - Which mind you guys, 10 out of 10 would not recommend. (laughing) - No, I'm like recommend. - I'm just letting y'all know now that like doing a marathon is just. (laughing) - It's genuinely like, I would not. - And we can talk about it. - No, I would not recommend it to a fucking soul. I would have recommended to literally soul on the island, like not even like a soul, the sun, like soul on the island, like a soul. - Fuck. - Like the soul. - Fuck. - No, and this is real. - Because let me tell you something. I think, you know, not to just like literally like trauma dumped. - No, that's just like, it's real. - This is like, it's real. - This is like, trauma dumped, like. - It's real. - There's this like, spongebob me that we have of Patrick, where he's like, how's that gonna count on him? - He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, spiritually, I'm giving that like, and he's like, drooling from his mouth. Like, spiritually. - Like, Patrick's sleeping, I don't know. - Like, Patrick's sleeping with like, his titties out like, so bad. - No, I see you. - But it's just like, I think, I just like did the Capricorn thing where you do too much, and then it's just like, wait, I did too much. - Totally. - No, size. - This is your. - Right, and then it's like, how could we possibly show that? Right, we'll figure it out. We'll handle, we'll handle. - No, your friend, Dom, like, when you attach the sticker to my face, like, it's just so bad. - Y'all can make that my contact image. 'Cause we need to talk about resting and we need to talk about what that does for the brain and being so data serious. - Oh my God, yeah. - Well, and so, yeah, I think it just, you know, the knot, I don't know, honestly, it was just, yeah, it was like, the doing too much, the traveling, trying to keep up with running. My body, just having a literal physical reaction of like, fucking chill. And then on top of that, like, absolutely fucking exhausted, got sick. Oh, like, literally, yeah, got a man cold, which is like, whoa. And then now, like, I don't know, like, trying to be normal again. And the anxiety has just been like, through the motherfucking roof. 'Cause I'm just like, dude, I 100% fucking fear. - Not even, and this is just me core. This is not even like this fucking political state of the world and shit. Like, this is just like the stuff that's literally like right in front of me. And I don't know, I think, I don't know. I think what's been interesting and through the small reflection that I have is like, I don't know. Yeah, I think I need to just like chill on myself, bro. - I think you could do a lot less. - Yeah, I just like, yeah, I just do this really gnarly thing where I do the most. - Yeah. - And I just need to stop doing that. - Which is like, I fucking get you, but I'm just like totally projecting the idea of like, damn. Thinking about how I was feeling, actually and how suffocating that was and totally relating to the feeling of like, then you have to try to be like normal after you literally like your brain cursed splatted and you're just like fucking, bye fuck the fuck up. And then on top of that, you're like running, you're more social. Like you have like all of these things on top of that. So like personally, I can't even like fucking action. Like what that's even giving for real? Because you have a lot of slices and I'm just also saying that because like you were like, you have a lot of slices and I'm like, and then yes, and you have even more slices than I do. So that same like compassion and that same kind of like, maybe a time for a break. Like these things like you deserve that too. - Yeah, I think I just get the like, you better work, bitch. - Well yes, but bitch, how are you supposed to work when like, like curk can you and like, the mental is absolutely everything. And there is like a lot of protection to be done that I think like keeps the wheels on the machine like, oiled up. And then it's also like, I just really think we pay dust to like how much we're actually doing sometimes. And then you're like doubling it. So it's just kind of like, how much dust can we keep paying? - No, I think we're gonna try to see it through. - If we're just gonna keep like doing the dust tour. - Right, the dust tour. - No, and I've been giving, I've been giving myself the dust tour and stuff. I have, I have been giving myself the dust tour, but now I'm like, I'm like low key, like on the mend, you know? - Right. - It like takes like crying in front of your friends to like realize things. - Yeah, usually. - Yeah. - Some like it. - No, it's just like every conversation I've had, like personal conversation I've had, that like as soon as anyone's like, how are you? I'm like, right. - Like quivering a lip. - Right. - I just, I think we should throw a break in that bitch. - Yeah. - But we can talk about that offline. - No, and we're about to handle one, like. - Well, 'cause I was like, and I'm grateful for you guys, even offering me and like for the clocking because it really is helpful. And I just think it's like one of those things where obviously there's a lot of, there's actually a lot of intersectionality when I'm about to say, but to keep it simple, I'm just kind of like, the idea if I can do everything, which is true in a, in a, in a manifesting spiritual way, it is true that you can do everything and you can handle everything, but you don't have to. - Yeah. - And it's not sustained. - It's not at all. - So it's just kind of like, I think, you know, I'm looking at me looking around like right, like all of us really, like as the horses who keep on running and then like the horse that like the trainer said I had to stay on the stable for 10 minutes. I'm gonna be honest, that 10 minutes was very helpful. It was very helpful. And I think that, I don't know, I think that's just like the first step and kind of trying to like get back into your body a little bit and like do that one too, 'cause it's like, yeah, we could keep, we could keep running it against the verb, but I would just hate, you know what I mean? Like I would just hate to see my friend like, in pain for real, like actually. - Crash and burn. - Well yeah, no, I'm just like, yeah, I need to, I think I just like need to like have a moment. - You should take a moment and we'll talk about that right after this. - Yeah, but I think I just need to like take a moment to like breathe, 'cause like also I will say, let me just like airing all my shit out. But like, I think with like, you know, I literally sound like the guy who like, you know, like never stopped wearing a knee brace like in high school. But, you know, did you guys ever have those people in school? - Well, the girls would be wearing knee braces. - Yeah, of course. - Now I'm like, bitch, that is so mech or like. - The girls were low key cause playing like knee press out the box. - I'm like in high school, like knees fresh out the box while unless you like tore your meniscus, which, you know, fearful of that, new, new rumination unlocked. - The meniscus girls, you're not gonna tear your meniscus. - I know, but what happened was when I went to Cabo and me having, like, me telling this for the first time in depth. But when I went to Cabo, I was like running and I was gonna, I was like trying to figure out how I'm gonna do my long run 'cause I was like, I can't do it in Dallas. Like I will actually freak the fuck out. - Right, right. - It's so hot, like I can't. - Right. - So I was like, maybe I could do it like on the treadmill. - Right. - Which, in theory makes total sense. - In theory makes total sense. - Yeah. But then, ah, when was it? I don't know, it was maybe like my third day there. It was like a Wednesday. I did this one run that, like, literally had me like, girl fuck you. Like, my attitude was like fucked up. - It do be like that. - Like, literally, like, my girlfriend was like being so sweet and she was like, okay, like, she literally got me like a cold towel, like, laid out my yoga mat, like, all this shit and I was like, girl fuck you. - Yeah, literally. - I would never talk to her like that, but spiritually, my attitude was giving like, girl fuck you. And the next day, my knee started hurting. And then I was like, okay, well, I'm just like not gonna run the rest of this vacation 'cause I'm just like, hold on. Went to Dallas, it got worse. And so I was like, really starting to freak out 'cause I just like did not know what was happening. And then when I came back, like, I did like one workout and my knee was still hurting. And I did a three and a half mile run on it, like, still hurting. And I was just like, really starting to freak out 'cause I was like, no, no, no. Like, I need to like, keep running. - Right. - So then I took like two and a half, almost like now going into like almost like three weeks off. And, you know, did a ton of fucking research as one does when they start to freak out. And then I was like, okay, well, like, is it giving? Like, do I think I need to go to the doctor? Like, is this like self, you know, I can manage this on my own. whatever. Anyways, through research realized that I just have like normal runners knee, which is like the Patelah tendon. Right. And it's just like a bunch of like, you know, quads, IT band, the whole thing. I think I'm a physical therapist. But like, anyways, I did this like one like thing, like rehab thing for it. And like my knee felt better and stuff. And then I got a brace for it. And it felt like 100% better. Guys, I think this is like the start of my crash out because then I went to run on the treadmill. And you know, runna love her. But like, since I'm like a couple weeks off, she like kind of like changed the like running plan a little. And I ran one mile yesterday and like almost like burst into tears. Yeah. Like I was just like, why was that so hard? Yeah. And that would make sense that it would be hard. And so I feel like after I ran that one mile and it was so fucking hard. And I was like, did I just like fuck myself? Did I just like so long to a girl Andy? Yeah. I know. And like I was looking at the plan and I was just like, you know, thinking about like some of the, cause it's just like, I just forget that like, it's 26 miles. Did you guys know that it's 26 mile? Yeah. Why did I want to do that? I don't know, but I mean, the worst getting a lot ice crazy. I mean, I don't know, but 26.2. I mean, it might be helpful to, I do know, dare I say meditate and like dare I say, like close your eyes and get in tune with the girl that was really excited about it, maybe. No, I maybe we can, like the, we can remember why he thought that sounded holistic and then we can tap into that. I think the real thing is I still am excited for it. I think I just like have this like perfectionist problem, obviously, as I'm sure we all do. Yes. We're like, I was just like really on it, really, you know, like waking up at 5 a.m. like doing my big one. And then all of a sudden that like completely got disrupted. And like instead of like embracing the disruption and just being like, oh yeah, I guess like, she's a little like crooked for right now. I just like went like off the rails. Like I just like completely like felt like it derailed my life, even though it didn't totally. That's understandable though. Yeah. And now I'm just like, holy shit. Okay. So I need to like lock back in. I mean, I think that's like, I do think that that is to the point of like the, like the mental, I don't know what to call that, like the mental hygiene or just like in this, like, because like, listen, last time I ran a crutch. And I just feel like it calls upon the, you know, we be grinding, grinding, grinding up in the club. And then when something goes off, it's like, well, do we have the mental strength to kind of just like shrug it off? Or are we like kind of hanging on by a thread? So then maybe the thread snap, like no tea. No literally. So because it, yeah, yeah, I'm just, I get you trying to find like, you know, bless you. Uh, the piece in my heart and the self-compassion. The self-compassion. Yeah. And the forgiveness is fine too, girl. shift. You could forgive yourself for nothing. I don't know. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, I guess like self-compassion is a better word because it's just like, I feel like, you know, I just need to like treat myself like a friend right now. And I'm just like not doing that. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with you. And it's just like, wait, I need to do that. There's opportunity there. Are you doing something really difficult for real? No, like no, actually, I feel like it's one of those things where it's like, we never noticed maybe sometimes like, how hard we are on ourselves because we're the ones that are like raising the bar. And it's like, okay, but when you zoom out, that is a really difficult thing. And it's not going to be perfect. No, it just is what it is. And I think that's what I need to like release myself from. It's just the idea of like, I don't know, I feel like, you know, I was like on this and like hitting a standard and like all this stuff. And like, again, like, who knows what to chalk it up to, you know what I mean? But like, I just think that like, this was a good reminder that like, not everything needs to be like perfect. Like, totally. Totally. I totally know that. And there's always opportunity for self-compassion and just like, you know, all the things. Yeah. I need to know. I'm locking in with the meditation. Like, I'm sorry. I'm going to run that back. Because I'm like low key. Like, I know I just know like, that's like this. And this was how Buddha was. Okay. Because Buddha was probably walking around the town. Like, guys, I did this thing where I sat in silence. Everybody was probably paying him. That's time. Sure. But I'm like, I need to hit that. The just, just the one too is very much more effective than you think. Like, it sounds like it's giving like, just drink water. Like, you just like, no water, but, but it is. And Loki, that's really Christian's eight. Very. They ate down with like, the idea of praying. Right. Because it's just like, I mean, like, Loki pranks to get me the fuck together. Loki, like, a similar thing. Yeah. Like the time with self and the kind of like, speaking your truth situation. I mean, it's totally as many like your wants. Yeah. I mean, like, praying for a million dollars. I'm like, or whatever you're asking. Like, I mean, the Christians do that fucking too. Well, I'm sure. I'm sure, you know, which is sorry, that's so derogatory. Why? To Christian prayer for a million dollars. People can pray for it. People can also be Christian. Like, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I was like saying that like people can't be Christian. No, but I'm like, y'all can hell be Christian. I don't know. But yeah, I'm just like, this, this similarity is a bit all on like, I don't, I say that very like, I don't say that dismissively. I genuinely mean like, you deserve time with yourself and to secure yourself and be in tune with your body. Because I'm just like, there's a lot going on. And we'd be acting like there's not literally don't Oliver. But it's like, like, body. And the marathon will be ran trust. We want to take a break to think a sponsor of today's episode cash app. Cash app has always been so great to have downloaded on my phone, especially when I'm shopping at the fleas or farmer's markets and I'm paying small independent business owners. But beyond sending and receiving payments, cash app can do way more than you think to make your money work for you. If you direct deposit at least $300 in paychecks each month and use the cash app card for your purchases, you can earn interest on your savings. No hidden fees, no minimum balance requirements. Also, you can hit your savings goals even faster by turning on roundups on your cash app card. With roundups, every purchase you make using the card is rounded up to the nearest dollar and that spare changes automatically put into your savings. Don't let your money sit around and gather dust. Make it work for you. 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That's Brooklynbedding.com and promo code upstairs for 30% off site wide. This is a limited time offer not available anywhere else. Brooklynbedding.com promo code upstairs. It will be ran one way or another. And I'm a handle. I'm like, I'm back. And that's the teacher is you don't even got to let yourself get back up. No, you don't even have to rush into the I need a lock in. I'm like, hold on. Hold on. I know. I think I just saw the plan and I was just like, whoa, holy fucking guacamole, like people are like running. Well, you're going to be fine. We don't care about people. You're going to train. Yeah. I'm going to train to your to however you want to do and however it's kind to your body. Yeah. And it's okay to let yourself get up. Yeah. It's been as serious as a couple weeks, except not two years. It's been really fun and serious. That's fun. So just girl, let yourself get up, like it's no tea. No, like raff. Raff. Do something. Raff, do the sands of time. The sands of time. And it's just like, whoa. No, like raff's not letting me get up right now. Raff's not letting My girls get up. Have you noticed anything bad about Ralph? No, I know. I know, I know, I just, yeah, I see you. And there's just like, I don't know. I don't know. The scaling bag, bro. - The scaling bag. - Like I'm curting anyone like as I'm sorry. - And you know what? I have been reflecting on the scaling back of it all 'cause I feel like I do that. I just do this thing where, yeah, I just am like, I'm gonna do it. - Yeah. - And then, I don't know. - And it's like, you can, but yeah. - Yeah, and you can, and it's like, no one told me I had to do anything ever. - Right. - Right. - Like these pictures, that's so real. - Yeah, like I don't know, like these self-made pressures that I have put on myself for no fucking reason. - At least you know they're man-made, shit. They are man-made. - Dude, everything's man-made, that's, again, that's this thing, like Buddha, okay girl, you were talking, like you were spilling seriously, because I'm so sorry, but the way Buddha cleared with just like, like the way Buddha cleared so nasty with like, the way, and stick with me. The way how we make everything up, I'm gonna throw up. The way that self-concept being a thing that's not real and simply just something that we put our energy into and also, let me not even do too much. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, Buddha ate with like, baby, if you're stressed out, that's because you stressed the fuck out. I said, what do you say? - If you're stressed, don't. - Oh, literally, Buddha's the only, just don't. And eight, because, and again, just like the sticky mind and like the ways in which like the anxiety shows up and just like thoughts and all these things, like obviously all kind of being at a root, like there's a root, maybe like fear or anxiety there, for sure that can be dealt with. But just the way how I was reading this thing the other day and it literally was like, when a thought comes and the girls go for the just like letting it pass, like a cloud, and they be like, oh, but if you're literally anxious or scared even a little bit, it's because you're still not detached. Like they were like, girl, if you're even a little anxious, it's because you still believe it, even if you don't think you do. And I was like, let me talk to 'em then. I was like, since you fucking know everything, since you got your fucking degree, let me talk to 'em then. Because the realness of that, in like a almost so unrealistic way, we're like, everything is stressful and everything feels so anxiety written for me, like just being like anxiety and inside out too. You know what I'm saying? Just the idea that there is a world, hope core, extreme hope core, there is a world where we're able to just like completely detach from our thoughts and let them just be thoughts that literally just like flow and you're just like, oh, cute. - Yeah. - Oh. - No, and in the book I was reading yesterday, where was though? - No, literally. 'Cause I was like, how the, in the book that I was reading and I was talking about the, I'm gonna butcher the name, but essentially, essentially like the set, the part of the brain, it starts with an A. - Love. - The M, I don't know. - Right, we're essentially, yeah. We're like, that shit like lights up, every time I think she's in danger type shit. And it's just like, like some people's, it's just like, hella, yeah, her. - Yeah. - Like primal shit, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - And it was just talking about this girl who didn't like have one and just like, you know, how that was like really bad. - Right. - And then essentially, I was like, you know, but she was like, you know, through things or whatever. And like some people just like naturally have like a very like overactive one. And I was like, wow. My shit is hella overactive. Like it is like hella just like in there. 'Cause she was just saying like, you know, that is like normal, you know, to have like, everyone has it being almond shaped. I'm like, right. - Right. - Like the size of an almond, like literally, just like in my shit, like I'm like growing minds. - I was like, absolutely the most. - No, minds the size of a water chestnut. - Mine's like absolutely. - I'm like in like a jaded chestnut. I'm on like 500, like day 500 of like, making my shit a fucking jade chestnut. Like fuck. - No, that's just like. - I'm like, my shit's like actually fucking ginormous. - Right. - Because, oh my god. And literally it was like, yeah. I don't know. She was like, spilling tea. And I'm like, and she was like, you know, but you can like work essentially like rewire brain. So it's just like not super overactive. And you can like generally like train your brain to like knock that shit off. - Yeah. - And I was like, I need to like normalize that like so much. - Yeah. And just like allowing for the patients in the time too, because it's like yes. On the back of the philosophic nature of such things. And like the detachment and all the things and the one and the peace and all that. It's like scientifically that's also very true. Which is why like, you know, I know sometimes I'm talking to people and I guess it sounds a little crazy like the affirmation saying them out loud. Like the manifesting like the meditation. - But it's the true. - Maybe like the science is there. And the science is also there that like my therapist is saying like she chomped that like truths are genuinely only things that you've told yourself a million times. Like you can fully like rewire your brain and rewire these rewire, rewire. Oh, no, I'm Corbin. That's crazy. Oh, in the sense that. And anyway, but you can really like rewire and like rewrite these things and they can like truly become truths but those things take a long time 'cause like the switching of the Neuropath ways, the making the new Neuropath ways, it takes like thousands of times of like practice and telling yourself, maybe the reps, like, you know. - The reps. - Yeah, I'm just trying to get in my rep bag because I'm like next time y'all try to throw some shit at me and catch me fucking slipping. I'm about to be like bitch, hi ya. This time they threw that brick in my shit and they were like, I was like, no bitch, I'm dead. Like I'm dead. - Yeah, they like actually like got me this time and I was like, no they got me. - Maybe on this time, they got me. - No, they got me this time like real bad 'cause I feel like (blows raspberry) no, that's like me right now. - It's really drizzling and like, wow. - It's drizzling. - It's drizzling whenever girl. - No, like the drizzling ale. Because I'm not kidding bro, they got my ass this time 'cause I was like literally crashing out this morning. Are you okay? - Yeah, just covered in ginger, really nothing new. (laughs) - Ain't nothing new over here dressed. - Just like literally sprinkled that. - Literally like cruddy way, I'm just greedy, isn't it? - No, like this morning was literally crashing out like so crazy that like honestly, I was like, (laughs) - Too funny. - 'Cause I know it ain't funny, see? - I literally was crashing out so crazy this morning like actually like dry heaving, sobbing. - Yeah. - It was just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I literally was thinking about how good it would feel to be like in a white passenger. (laughs) - Girl. - Dude, that was real, you really eat. - I was just like, if I would eat in DIY, see, they just need to take a break. - No, I know, 'cause I was just like, oh my god, a white passenger. - Well, 'cause we can get a white-potted room, but it's just like your room with like your TV and like AC and it's like shut the fuck up, everyone. Like literally, that's like, that's, I'll take that. - Yeah. - Over what? - Yeah. (laughs) - Like, yeah. - No, I see you, I see you. - 'Cause I was like, oh my god, I was like, absolutely like freaking out. Like, I don't know. It's just like the voices like really, like really got my ass this time. - Yeah. - And I was like actually like dry heaving, sobbing, like freaking the fuck out. And I was just like thinking to myself, I was like the last time I felt like this was when I was 16. - Whoa. - And when it does that? - Like, I genuinely was like the last time I felt like this, like out of control of my emotions. - That's so real. - Very like, that's so real. - Just very like my shit felt. So I don't know. That's like, the only way I could describe it is like, that like 15, 16 year old like crash out in your bedroom where you just absolutely lose. - Yeah, you're god damn mind. - Like you absolutely go like, - Yes. - Bad shit fucking crazy where you're just like, when I tell you emotions just all over the god damn place, like literally couldn't even be real then if you tried, which I did, because I'm like here today, but I was like losing my fucking mind. - Yeah. - Like out of my fucking mind, like out of my fucking mind. And when I was just like the last time I felt like this was like 15, 16 and it like scared the absolute like dog shit out of me, I was like, wow. - Yeah. - Hey girl. - Hey girl. - I think that's all like the sat in a return shit. Like she just be like, she looms. - She looms and she threatens. - Yeah, because it's like, I don't know. Maybe like your earlier 20s is like your inner child shit, but I'm like when that teenage girl comes out, bro. - Let me talk to her. - Let me talk to her because I'm like bitch, I got shit to say right now, and it's just not looking too good. - Yeah, thank you. - It's not looking too good, it's not looking too good. And like, I was hella like keying with her last night in this morning. And I was like, bitch, we used to do this and she was like all damn day. - All the damn time. - All the damn time. - All the damn time. - On this damn phone playing in this damn phone. - On my parents fucking phone playing mind. You and my parents tell us that they worked their god damn ass. We're like literally like, oh, the shit up. Like that's crazy. (laughs) Like that's girl stop. - It's just like girl stop, but we have love for that. - We do have love for that. 'Cause at least back then I was like smoking weed so my shit was just- - I'm right. - My shit was lovely at least. Like when shit was turning up, y'all, I'd be like girl give me that bomb. So I'll play with it. - And I'm like all I had was theater the next day. Like I literally was like, okay. - Oh my god. - And let me play Hamlet. Let's do Hamlet. - Well, 'cause they're just like, yeah, I guess like, yeah, I'd literally be like, hammy that bomb. Or I'd be like, let me go to church. - Right. - The big two. - The big two. - And now I guess like, you know, my later in life years, that like I don't like your wife is setting. Sorry. That's how you know we tired to sit in my later, I'm like, we have a lot of time. No. Am I like, young as fuck, young hoe, like, young, like, young, like, young hoe. Well, later, young hoe years. Yeah, my later, young hoe years, which like, I still subscribe, like, I'm still a young hoe. Like, you ain't about to group me in with these like, like, I just like, don't even know if I'm a young hoe for real. I was thinking about it the other day and I was like, I've never felt so old. Not even necessarily like, derogatory, but just like, I was just thinking about it and I'm like, damn, I've never talked about age so much in my life. Yeah. I will. Okay. And that's what I was like, low key you're going to say was like, in terms of the transition of it all, because like, my girlfriend's in her 30, she's like, 33. And she was just like, I don't know, like, I've already like, she was like, I will say, like, that was like the hardest, like, 27 to like, 30 was like, genuinely just the hardest times of my life. Like, it was just really big transitions happening and like, I don't know, we've also just had like crazy life transition. And she was like, so yeah, it makes like, complete and total sense that you would feel like outside of your fucking mind. And I was like, literally, yeah, her like, no, but like, actually though, yeah. So I am like talking it up to that and I'm talking it up to the fact that like, right now, your girl, Dom, is just looking at you with a little twitch in her eye. That's okay. It's a little one. And like, I might be like 4% off, but just know that like 4%, we'll get handled. But right now, I'm just letting her run a little like, bad baby style, like, catch me outside. How about that? Like, it's nobody asking you to handle it. Yeah. No, it's just giving like, right now, my mental state is just in this like very like 16 year old, 15 year old, like emotions just literally like all over the goddamn place. And yeah, I guess the other thing is too that I just feel like when I'm like outside of control of my emotions, I always like hate making people feel like they're the collateral. Like there's like like what I'm outside of my emotions and like, I can't express what I'm feeling and like, I don't know, I just hate when that like bleeds into like other parts of my life or like, no, I'm making people feel like responsible for my emotions or like what I'm feeling and I feel like honestly, that's why I just like be keeping shit to myself, but it's like actually so not fucking helpful. Me having therapy tomorrow, I'm like so honestly, I'm just sending this shit to her and that's what I handled. She could like, like, type some shit out on Friday too. That's what it is. Yeah. No, I'm honestly going to be like a floating orb. I haven't seen her in three weeks, so yeah, no, there's, yeah, the realness of that. Yeah, there's definitely an emphasis on the, on the mental, this last year, this last like year. It's like six months. Like whatever. No, I see you in a serious way and it's just like, damn, just trying every day. Just, that's all I got, like just trying, just trying and like, just like, you know, just like, there's hope. There's hope. As the ghost of Christmas, like a little bit in the future by like maybe like two months, I'm like, there's hope. Yeah, I think like honestly, once I like tomorrow, I'm waking up at five a.m. again, damn. And that is going to like reset my shit. So crazy. Wow. Like that's going to feel absolutely fantastic, Oh, you know what I mean? I don't, but I do trust that yes. I do. I feel like wake up five a.m. Hit the gym. Hit the trail. Hit the therapy, holy fucking guacamole, like that's about to like, honestly, like reset my shit. Yeah. See how we go in two different ways. Like I bought a TV for my room. So it's like, and I see, and then you're going to hit the five a.m. so and it's like, right, we're doing like, I'm so excited for you. Oh, I'm ready. Leg is oiled up already. Oh, I'd be running that shit. I nothing. There is genuinely nothing better you guys than a TV in your mother fucking room. Like I genuinely, if there is like not a TV in my room, you would be seeing like, actually a bag of dust right now. No, it is. It is pretty gnarly. I feel like two in the couch have been just like, what you're saying early of like trying to like get back to feeling somewhat normal again, like I'm, that's it. I'm literally dick, I'm like, baby. And I'm fighting that weird, like guilt right now where it's like, you know, you want to be like in, you want to be social and you want to be seeing people and like doing things because I have that somewhere in me. But like the way how that shit went down and like, sorry, I can't say that like thinking about Pompeii. Like when did we start picking that up as like, you know what I mean, like Pompeii is like a metaphor is insane. So I'm not going to say that. But just like when it absolutely like leveled my fucking brain ever since then, I feel like I'm like resource guarding time that I have to like, I'm literally like, if I, if the choice is to go somewhere on a Friday or to stay in the entire day, I'm literally like, y'all can't take this from me. Come on. Like come and take it. You can't take it. I'm trying to kind of get back into the feeling normal a little bit, but I'm just kind of like whoa, like when the mental hits like the fucking like rollercoaster spindle who rou, literally I'm like, okay, I'm sitting on gold here. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm just like at a place right now where I kind of feel, yeah, I don't know, I agree with that. I think also too. I just, I don't know. Yeah. I feel just like really weird and like disconnected, like from the world and like, just everything. Like, I don't know what I was just like thinking about it, like, I don't know, I feel like really weird right now. Like, I'm just like, I, I need to see my friends. I need to like, let me send you some shit and I'm being so serious, like you're literally reading my journal out loud, loud to these good people and I think like you're not doing it. No, I just like feel like really weird and disconnected. Like, I just feel weird and that's okay. I feel 16 right now. I look 16 right now. I'm lost. I'm blonde. I'm blonde. I'm just blonde in 16, like it's like really blonde hair, blue eyed white girl who has been shaking. I just like shouldn't be going through that as like a blonde hair, blue eyed girl. No, I totally unders, I totally fucking understand, I totally understand, I totally understand and genuinely, I'm just like, listen, rest mama, fuck all that fluff, fuck all that fluff, rest, compassion, and you might remember a time when you were saying this to me, self compassion, probably a break. We'll talk about that. Yeah. Even if it's small, we'll handle it. And just like, let your shit rot. Don't even try to force no connection, just, just random nihilistic bitch, but I'm honestly like, don't even try to force the connection because it'll come back to you naturally as you kind of just like, realign the shockers, which even that isn't even like a prompt or a challenge, simply just like an acknowledgement of what will not truly happen. Yeah. So if that compassionate, but just fucking no, and this is why you might consider talking to your friends sometimes. We'll find you genuinely meeting my journal out loud, right? Everyone, both Sav and Maya almost got the craziest emergency face time call yesterday. What a answer. Well, and I know that. And I know that. And I know that. Well, I'm like, oh, well, if it said so as maybe I'm going to the bathroom with no tea. Well, no, I'm like, it ended up being like in the universe's plan because my friend literally pulled up on me so crazy, just on some like the divine intervention, the divine intervention where she was like, oh my god, girl, she was listening to the void like, yeah. No, and I was like, well, because you're protected. How'd you know? Like, you're actually protected. How'd you know? Um, as the girls don't want to notice, like everybody say coincidence, maybe they're no coincidence. No, no. Trust. No. Like, God, she, her was listening as fuck. She, her, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they was like mama, right? Mama. And when I knew that salad tasted fucking weird. Right. Like with all the doing like, something's off. No. Like literally, like, back call, like literally, I was just like, no, but let yourself like definitely feel all of it because they will say like on the other side because there is another side we know you want to force it. Don't even rush it. At this point, let's just, whatever. Have no doctors now. Whatever happened just being like, bitch, I'm not fucking feeling it. Take your break. Like, honestly, whatever. Cause I need to be valuable. I'm really like, I need to like plug this into something. Yeah. Like avatars and just plug this into just actually the first thing I see because like genuinely, I need to be like reconnected to something, but I don't, it'll come. No, it's important to touch the top, touch the bottom so you can go back to the top. Exactly. And the bottom has like maybe like high key there, like again, just in following the anxiety and like really unpeeling back the layers, everything, the rumination that this, the, that, the, that, and like going to like the nub. I don't know what's in the middle of an onion, but like whatever's in the middle of an onion. Like omg, like that. Like, like that. Like that. Like that. And like actually being able to take that and I don't know what it's called. Like that. Like I'm a day. I was like, I don't know. But like taking it in the what? A megged. A megged. A megged. A megged. Do pre already? Yeah. Cause there's definitely opportunities for the megged. Omg. The same. The megged. Oh my god. I don't know the word I'm looking for. Not manifestation. So what I'm looking for. Alchemy. Alchemy. [TAKE VO] VO room for alchemy and like, you know, taking some lessons from that? No? No. And lessons, lessons have been had and learned. And I think I just like need to. Just hear it. Oh, and see how like that was enough. Like literally the breath. Cause then she was about to start talking about the 401k. Well, that's too much. Stop. It's enough. It's enough, Mama. We need to take a break. Me first. Me. But I. But I deserve it. You deserve it. No, I'm like dry. I'm just right. Exactly here to go. Yeah. I feel like actually like putting to you. No, what I'm like every producer through like, like, I really just took like everyone. No, like, no, but yeah, no, I fucking see you, bro. And I just, I think that we should stop paying ourselves dust. You see, I do. Cause I wrote that shit on the track, like, does for real this time. No, fucking hell. Dust. Um, but no, I, I really see you. I got some things I'm sent to you. And like, honestly, that's on women who run with wolves too, because baby, the call back to the fucking sea. Never forget mythology. Let's read the ancient texts. Like they said, baby, if you ignore the call to the sea, bitch, the sea, go get your ass. Regardless. And the sea comes. The sea comes. Like, open the door, baby, all of a sudden, you and the sea is really shiny. No, I do. I do just need to be like, weightless, like in the sea real quick, growing with a Casper. Like you could really get to work. Yeah. Oh my God. And I can't even talk about the freaking mattress. Topper. I got it. You got a new mattress topper? Yes. You better good. It's too good. I had to get rid of it. Really? Yeah. I had one of those and I also had to get rid of remember. Yeah. But also my neck's been fucked up every morning when I wake up. So it's just like, I don't know. I have, I have, now that I've turned into, this is a joke, by the way, I put so much respect on physical therapists, like, it's not even funny. But now that I've turned into a physical therapist ever since like knee gate, I have, I have things for you. Yeah. And I'm listening. We can do, we can do a swap. But I like, I actually like, oh my God. Yeah. I had to get rid of my mattress topper. That literally when I talked, you would have never seen your friend again. We need to bring that back. Not to never seen your friend again, but just like the rotting. No, we, and you know what? You know what, my, now that we say that out loud, once the last time you and I have rotting in a bed together, girl, like a year. And when did everything go to shit? The real answer, the real answer, when Keelan left. And I'm saying that so you can hear it, because maybe something fucking shifted. Honestly, that, not even that like him leaving made everything happen, but him leaving was the marker. Yeah. Of like, oh, y'all think you're fucking funny. Oh, baby is hilarious. Yes, hilarious. After that, everything really did change. Oh, we should have known like when that mother fucker got up and left, thinking you could do that. Something was brewing. I'm sorry. And that's what I mean by like just the taking of the break is even like the week I had off when I thought when I was actually like doing similar activities such as screaming and crying. And when I turn on moon river with my headphones on noise cancellation, genuinely, like that's when you know it's like I can't make that joke either because it's actually dead fucking serious, but just know that like I'm gonna tell y'all the joke off camera, but like it's like dead fucking serious. Like that would be the shit that would have somebody like, should I text her? I don't know why I'm feeling like that, like literally actually. It was just really dark. I already feel like I just like actually felt the court as all read to my body. And I'm like, ooh, slow down, slow down, slow down. No, I like dead the fuck ass, like no cap, no bullshit. Literally have been watching reruns of Shits Creek because I need my mind to be smooth as a baby's ass right now. Like I've literally been watching reruns of Shits Creek because that show genuinely if you want to show that like turns your brain off and is like funny as fuck and like literally just like a key like a simple key like we prayed for times like this. I just have to watch, you know, I just have to watch Shits Creek. And mind you, I'm watching the violent too. So it's just like, oh my god, that's what I was gonna say that when I and I implore and I offer you this as well. Genuinely, when I was actually like knowing the pain off my fucking walls, like actually I'm being so serious, but I had a break for a second. And I actually thought about everything that's happened in the last year, just like objectively every single thing that happened. I was like, duh. Yeah. Like dub it. No, even just going through right now, I was like going through my camera while trying to find this like picture. Oh, that will make you that'll make you like, oh, like baby, that's existential. Like I will. Yeah. And then I was like, wait, we did a lot of shit. Look, we've done like we've done collectively so much god damn shit. And then on top of that, it's like, well, what about separately too? And then it's an addition, not a subtraction. It's just like, whoa, you know what I mean? Yeah, like I'm like, honestly, y'all like, and guys stop taking your fucking stop, stop stopping your antibiotics before the just because you feel better. Cause that's my shit. And that's why I'm saying like I'm committed to the meditating for at least like a month, even when I wake up and literally be like, I'm walking on. I'm like, cause here she go again. Here she go again. When she feel good, she put down the antibiotics. And then the illness comes back and I'm literally like, it's enough. It's enough. It's enough dust that then circulated around this economy. It's enough. Wow. Exactly. Like literally like that exhale. No, but I fucking see you so serious. So just know that you're like not alone in this anxiety. I mean, obviously very personal to each person as an individual. But like from what I'm hearing in the base root of it, I see you in a serious way. No, she got me and you're part of the collective conscience of all that shit. Literally like I'm like, no, just trust me. Like you are not alone. No, like she, she got my ass like in 4k, 5k, 6k bitch. No, like just drop 7k. It's like fucked up. Huh? Oh, why? No. Oh, I thought you were telling me. I was like, one way. No, I'm at like 7k just dropped like the. No, I'm like on 888, like. No, that's why I was in. You're right about treating yourself as a friend because like treat yourself as a friend. Right. Because when I was in the Uber in New York on 360p and you looked at my eyes and you were like, it's just a little off. Are you good? And I was like, I don't know. Treat yourself as a friend. Mom. Exactly. Exactly. Me. No, exactly. But I'm excited for you to have therapy. That's always good. No, yeah. It'll be good. She gonna get me together. She usually handles. No, but it's that's real is shit. And honestly, period glad you brought that up because all I came with today was would you survive the Oregon Trail? But we could talk about that next week. Probably the fuck not. No, well, just curious. No. Honestly, it's just like I don't know. I just don't have. I can't say that. I know what you're about to say. I think I know. I'm not saying this in like based on the whole time before you say this next thing. It would be us and like, it would be us. It would be a version of us that it's like, you know what I mean. Okay. They were going to take it all the way. Yeah. But here's the D. This is what. Okay. This is our last thoughts that we're like, we can work on this one next week. We're like, we're like bread coming off. Okay. Cause here's the T. So when I, there's this game that I used to really like to play called the Sassons Creed. Yes. And like, it just takes place in like different times of like, you know, yeah, just the world and stuff. And there was one that took place during the Revolutionary War. Cause so like, obviously they're like still building out America and stuff. Right. And I like love the Sassons Creed. Like if you've ever played that game, it's like really fucking fun. But um, in the one specifically with the Revolutionary War, cause it's kind of like free world. Like you could just kind of like go around and shit the way I just be like going through the forest and a wolf would like attack you like while you're on a horse, dead ass. And so like, that's the thing. Like in terms of like the physical, the physicality of like the organ trail. Sure. I could probably, you know, with Arcteric's and like Paris, Solomon's like walk, whatever organ trail ended up being like the wagon. Yeah. Yeah. The wagon. Sorry. They had wagons breaks. Like, yeah. But like in terms of like the wildlife, the elements, the bubonic and like the bubonic and the elements. Yeah. And like having to physically hunt for food. Right. I'm just like, I don't know if I want organ that bad. Right. I don't know if I've ever wanted anything that bad. And if anything proof that I'm in the right timeline, like genuinely, right? Because I don't think I would have survived. Like honestly, y'all would have had just a product of, we're a product of our time. And the organ trail would be hate to see me coming because I would have been bitching and moaning on the wagon. People would hate it to see me. And cast not the trail. Don't give a fuck, Mama. Oh, I mean, I would have absolutely found a way to be on the wagon every goddamn day. Yeah. That's like fucked up. You do the horses. Yeah. But this. Yeah. I mean, I just think that like I would have genuinely food storage fucked up. No, because I have thought water storage would have been like that. It's just like the jerky and shit. Like in the scurvy. Like, I don't know. Have you on the scurvy? Well, big on the scurvy. Big on scurvy. Because I'm like the nutrients they didn't have, you know, they didn't have an AG one like. - Right. - Yeah, at all, this is fucked up. - Well, happy World Cup. - Happy World Cup, what's your neighborhood watch? - The World Cup. - Oh, okay. - I don't know when they start drinking, but yeah, you know, from the gut. - Oh. - Okay. (laughing) - It's just like, "H" didn't even find you like. - Me like. (laughing) - No, I'm literally like the 3-day bundle loop. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm finna, I'll show you rot." - I'll show you rot in. - Rot in. Oh, Sunday. (laughing) - Oh, Sunday? - Sunday, I'm about to be y'all can't even peel me from my mattress because I'm about to be one with that hoe. - The protection spell I have on Sunday and low key Monday, unless we're doing something now. Okay, perfect. - I'm just gonna run for whatever reason. - Yeah, y'all gonna have to like put my entire apartment in this all circle with some of 'em if you want me out that bitch, just trust. - Yeah. - Um, my neighborhood watch is obsession. (laughing) - Period. - I watch that shit. - It looks teee. - It's really. - If I wasn't scared as she, it looks teee. - Honestly? - Not that scary. - I just be like, "Oh, it's scary." - If you watch long legs, bro. - Oh, yeah, long legs. I forgot about that. - Dude, that damn. - One of these scariest motherfucking movies to me, like I don't get scared about that demonic shit. - Okay, then this movie won't scare you. - Okay. - Honestly, this movie is like, it's kind of funny. - I'ma watch it on my laptop. - You should watch it on your laptop like during the day. There was like a, there, no. - There was like, I wasn't feeling scared about like, what made me feel scared, low-key. I was like, I watched it with my girlfriend and I hell was like, like, I kept being like, you cool, you cool? - You're cool. - No, 'cause I literally be like, what's fucking fun? - No, like, I will say like, watching it with a significant other, my kind of feeling like, bitch, you cool, you cool bitch, like, you know what I mean? - Is you cool. - But honestly, it was like, low-key, like, funny, real, very of the times. And I mean, it's so cool, like, it's a cool movie. And I don't know, there's more there. There's more there. They could, I feel like if they did like, you know, not a prequel or sequel or anything, but like a sub-story, 'cause there's so many different, like, sub-stories they could do based off of like, you know, you already know T. - Yeah, I do know exactly what I'm saying. - So that's what I'm saying. I feel like, especially if you already know T, like, there's like two, maybe three, really scary, like, fucked up ass jump scare, not fucked up even, like, just jump scares, you know they're coming too. - Yeah. - So yeah. I don't know, it's cool though. I fuck with it. I'm back in my movies back too. I'm about to start going back to the movies. I haven't seen shit. - Yeah. - All I need to see back rooms too. - Oh, right. - Support Genzi. - Support Genzi who don't fuck with AI, thank you. - Thank you. - Don't fuck with AI. - So we're gonna like lock in. - Well. - What about AI? - Huh? - Oh. - You like AI? - Fuck now. - That's what I thought. - All right, guys, well, guys, you guys, - Love y'all. - Yeah, same time next week, okay? Thanks for being here. Take care of yourselves off there, okay? - The Mental Illness episode. - Bye. (laughs) (upbeat music)