The Men's Guide To Menopause

I just want to start by saying thank you. Most men never get this far. Not because they don't care, but because no one's ever told them that this matters, but it does. Because if there's a woman in your life, your partner, your wife, your sister, your best friend, and she's somewhere between her mid-30s and mid-50s, there's a good chance she is in Perry, Manipause, or Manipause right now. And what she's going through, it's real. Even if she hasn't been able to explain it, even if her doctor has brushed her off, even if you've been thinking something just feels different. So maybe she's saying, "I'm so tired. I can't sleep through the night. Maybe she's getting up at three in the morning. Maybe she's snapping at everybody." And then apologizing because she doesn't feel like herself. Maybe her body is changing in ways that just don't make sense. Or she's dealing with anxiety that came literally out of nowhere. And you've probably noticed it too. The woman you know, and if known all along, strong, capable, handling everything, suddenly seems overwhelmed by things that never used to bother her. And you want to help, but you don't know how to help. Well, this is the moment where you start to understand what's actually happening. And I'm going to tell you something. It's going to make you be a better partner, a better friend, a better human. Here's what most people don't understand. Menopause and paramanopause is not just about hot flashes. We're talking about a biological shift that affects her brain, her sleep, her metabolism, her confidence, her sex life, literally every system in her body. And she's probably just been told, "That's stress." Or it's aging. You're getting older when it's actually something much more specific. So again, thank you. You're about to hear directly from the doctors I've interviewed for my book, How to Menopause. For my documentary, The M Factor. And for this very podcast, The Tamson Show, some of the smartest people on the planet we've brought in here to our SOHO studios, when it comes to women's health, these are the experts who actually understand what's happening. And also what can be done about it. Because when you understand what's really going on, everything changes. I promise you that, not just for her, but for the both of you. So where do we start? With the basics you probably never learned. Because I never learned. If you're like most men, nobody ever explained what's actually happening to a woman's body during this time. And without this basic foundation, without just understanding a little bit of the science behind what she's experiencing, it's impossible to show up the way she needs you to. So we're going to go back to school just for a minute. It's a class they should have taught us, but they didn't. Did you know that menopause is just one day? It's the 12 month anniversary of her last period. That's it. One day. And what really affects her physically, emotionally, neurologically is a five to ten years before that. That's parry menopause. It's kind of, it's the in between. And it can start as early as 35 years old. So imagine that. I want to break it down for you though, with a visual to make it a little bit easier. If you want to imagine her hormones, they're like a thermostat. For most of her adult life, that thermostat keeps things really steady and pretty well regulated. Up a little down a little, same rhythm every month. But during parry menopause, that thermostat starts short circuiting. Some days it blasts the heat. And you can see she's sweating through her clothes. Her heart is racing. She can't sleep. She's overwhelmed, frustrated. Other days, it crashes. She feels exhausted, low, maybe detached, anxious. Like her brain has been replaced with fog. Like you're on the outside looking in. This isn't a slow fade though. That's what's important to remember. It's unpredictable surges and drops in estrogen and progesterone. And since those are hormones affecting everything from her brain and metabolism to her sleep or skin or stress response, it can make her feel like she's coming literally undone. That's how I felt. And it came without warning. Okay, so imagine trying to go to work like that. Imagine trying to show up for your kids like that. Trying to stay connected in a relationship while all that's happening every day. Most women have no idea what's going on. Because nobody teaches it again, not to them and definitely not to you. So I get it. On a recent episode of The Tams and Show, I asked leading OB/GYN Dr. Mary Clara Haver to break it down, based on real data. What symptoms are showing up most during parry menopause? Here's what she said. Dr. Mary Clara, what are the most common symptoms of parry menopause women should be looking for? So interesting you asked, because I recently asked my followers to submit testimonials for the new book. And we went through a laundry list of symptoms with them. So I compiled everything. The five most common symptoms. Number one, hot flashes and night sweats. Everybody knows that. Number two, so that's 85.9%. 82.4% weight gain and redistribution. So new belly fat. 82.3% anxiety, depression and panic attacks. 81.7% sleep, the services. And then 80.6% fatigue. Now we're still in the 70s. Sexual dysfunction, gastrointestinal problems, bloating digestion issues, brain fog migraines, dizziness, memory problems, joint pain muscle aches, osteoporosis, heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat. That was 51.8% for palpitations in our survey. Wow. Skin hair and nail changes, 46% dryer itchy eyes, 39% burning mouth, sensation, taste changeings, urinary dysfunction, allergies, body odor changes. This is parrymenopause. We're not even through the transition yet. And that's four to seven to 10 year transition. So this isn't just aging. It's not just mood swings or weight gain or stress from work. It's a biological shift that hits almost every part of our system. And she's probably being told it's everything except what it actually is. Can you imagine that? So maybe your partner's been saying, "I'm so tired or I can't sleep." Or you can feel her waking up 3 o'clock in the morning and not getting back to sleep. Or the big one. I don't feel like myself. My body's changing and I just don't understand it. And her doctor says, "Ah, everything looks normal." Or you're still getting your period. So it's probably not hormonal or worse. Maybe it just stayed to relax. Here's what's really going on. Her hormones are fluctuating constantly. Astrogen and progesterone rising and crashing like a roller coaster. One day her brain feels sharp. The next day she can't remember what she walked into the room for. Or forgets like mid-sentence while you're talking. Her nervous system feels overrepped. Her gut is off. Her sleep is destroyed. And she's thinking, "What the hell is happening to me?" So when I sat down with OB-GYN and menopause specialist, Dr. Sharon Malone, who's been treating women through this for decades and asked her, "Why is parrymenopause still some misunderstood?" Here's what she told me. I think parrymenopause is the most confusing of these stages. Because parrymenopause just simply means around the menopause. And it is also called the menopausal transition where you go from your peak fertility years to no fertility. And it's that gap in between. And for most women, that can last anywhere from four to 10 years. If you're African American woman, your symptoms, and that period lasts more closer to 10 years than four. It is characterized by a lot of things. But the one thing that it is not characterized by is a lack of periods. And we think of menopause as being, "Okay, that's when my period stops, right?" Well, in parrymenopause, you may be getting your period regularly. It may be different. It may be heavier, maybe lighter. They may be closer together or they're apart. That's sort of the first signal that there's really something going on. Is there changes in irregularity? And if you don't understand that the presence or absence of bleeding is not a defining feature of parrymenopause, then you'll think, "Oh, it's not. It hasn't anything to do with menopause." But all of those symptoms that we talk about, that we associate with menopause, can start during parrymenopause. And the reason why it's not helpful to get blood work during parrymenopause is because your hormones during parrymenopause are fluctuating. They may be too high one day, too low the next. And it is that sort of erratic hormone production that really produces a lot of the symptoms that women have, particularly the brain fog, the irritability. Imagine it's like having PMS every day. That is sort of what parrymenopause is like. And for a woman to come in with all those, any combination of the symptoms that we talked about, but you're still getting regular parrys and you go see your doctor, you're like, "What is wrong with me?" And your doctor says, "Well, when was your last period?" If that's your first question and you say two weeks ago, and they've immediately taken anything to do with menopause off the table, that is not correct. And I think that's where there has to be some adjustment with doctors. So they understand that parrymenopause and menopause are different things and they occur at different times. And it's not a blood test. You don't need a sonogram. You don't need a sucessaire. You don't need anyone to tell you. You know who decides? So all those things are now available. It seems out there in menopause. You don't need to pee on a stick. You don't need to do any of that stuff to tell you if you're parrymenopausal. Parrymenopause is defined when you say it is, when you are having symptoms and you are between the ages of 35 and 45, that's sort of typically when parrymenopause starts. But because there's no bright line that signals the beginning of it, that's where I think the confusion is. Then menopause. Menopause is when you've gone a year without a period. Is that right? They define menopause as once you have had your final menstrual period. Well, how do you know? You don't know until you look back. It's just confirmed when you've gone a year and you haven't had another one. Because even when you're parrymenopausal, you can have a period, not have one thing. Ooh, I'm almost done six months later and then have another period. That's not abnormal. But you can officially say, "I'm done when I've gone 12 months." But that has nothing to do about treatment options and when to initiate therapy. You initiate when you are symptomatic and when you decide, "Okay, this is enough. I need to be treated for whatever my symptoms are." You have a line about suffering that I always appreciate. But can you talk about that? Because we do know that you don't have a choice when it comes to menopause. You do not. And you know what? I always say menopause is inevitable. Suffering is not. Because, you know, I think that that is something that we as women do. We accept a certain baseline of suffering that just comes with womanhood, whether we're talking about cramps or childbirth or pregnancy or PMS or depression. That is sort of what we think comes along with being a woman. And, you know, and I'm here to say, "No, it does not have to be." So the one message I want to leave women with, "Tamzan, is this? Is that you do not have to suffer?" But by the same token, I don't want you to think that, "Oh, here, take this pill and it's all going to be fine." There is a lot of work that you need to do on the front end. And I don't care whether you're talking about menopause or whether you're talking about cancer prevention or whether you're talking about decreasing your risk of cardiovascular disease. Healthy lifestyle matters. So yes, this is a both-and, not at either-or. So do the things that you need to do on the front end. And when you've done all those things and you are still suffering, do not feel as if you have failed. You have not. You are going through an experience that all of us, if we live long enough will, and 80% of us will have some degree of symptoms that may need to be addressed. Whether the woman in your life is in paramanopause or menopause or what's referred to as postmenopause, meaning after menopause, she needs support, not dismissal, not just get on with it, real informed support. And that's where we're going to give you in the rest of this episode. Because I promise you, once you understand what is actually going on, you're going to be able to show up differently with more patients, more empathy, and a whole lot more clarity. And if you want more after this, I did put together a free downloadable men's guide to menopause. It's linked right in the description. You can print it out, you can highlight it, you can leave it on the kitchen table, show the woman in your life that you care enough to learn. There is no better feeling than being truly supported. And now you're going to know how. Let me ask you something. What happens when your partner finally decides to ask for help? Okay, she goes to the doctor. She lays it all out. I'm exhausted. I'm gaining weight. Nothing's working. I'm working out. I'm eating the same. I'm eating better than before. And I'm still gaining weight. My heart is racing out of nowhere. And the doctor says, "Everything looks pretty normal." Or worse, maybe you're just stressed. Now that might sound like a one-off, but it is not. I have interviewed dozens of experts for my book How to Menopause and for the M-Factor documentary. And now for this podcast, The Tams and Show. I've talked to Dr. Mary Claire Haver, Dr. Sharon Malone, Dr. Kelly Casperson, Dr. Heather Hirsch. They all said the same thing. Most doctors never learn this. I want that to sit with you for a minute. Doctors did not learn about this in medical school for the most part. And if they did, it was just a little bit of education. Even OB-GYNs, the people you assume know the most about women's health, right? They're getting an hour of menopause education in medical school, maybe a day if they're lucky. To dig into this more, I sat down with menopause specialists, Dr. Heather Hirsch. She ran the menopause in midlife clinic at Harvard's Brigham and Women's Hospital. And now she trains physicians all across the country to recognize what they were never taught. And I have got to share with you what she told me. Listen to this. What do you find to your teaching clinicians most? And is it OB-GYNs? Who are you teaching as a general practitioner? Yes. I'm a wide range of clinicians. So, you know, I have a lot in my courses. I have OB-GYNs, internal medicine, family medicine, some of urologists, as you know. These urologists are like, this topic is so important. And I really need to learn this because I didn't get this in any of my training. I have actually some psychiatrists. So some mental health providers in my courses. Even emergency room doctors. They're seeing, you know, urinary tract infections. They're seeing panic attacks. We're talking about the heart. I was like, there's more in there. They're seeing all these things and they're thinking, this could be menopause. How do I even explain this to a patient? And it's for MDs, and D.O.'s, as well as physician assistants and nurse practitioners. I think it's really fascinating and so important that we're talking about all these different disciplines too. Most of the time, we talk about menopause. We think of OB-GYNs, but there's no way to cover what we need in this country, more or less, world with the number of OB-GYNs we have, even if we triple that number. Exactly. And you know, I think circling back to my story, starting in OB-GYN, I do find that of course, you know, the training is so heavy on really important topics, obstetrics and surgery. And it's really hard to also have all this knowledge to be able to sit down and talk about menopause, not that it cannot be done. But I actually think that those who are doing real primary care in internal medicine or family practice, I think being able to manage menopause is something that is really right up your alley, right? Because you are talking to patients all the time about, you know, chronic things. Now we don't want to call menopause a disease or a syndrome or a person. No, of course not. But it is something that it's part of your physiology. It's going to stay that way for the rest of your life. And so I think those, you know, clinicians in primary care really, you know, this is a great thing for them to either learn or relearn because it's going to benefit their patients so much. Are there courses right now that are mandated in the area of parimenopause or menopause? Or that's just up to the discretion of the school or the of where they're training? Yeah. So, you know, I was going to have a one word answer, which was no. But the American College of Graduate Medical Education or the ACGME is really who we need to almost lobby to get more time-allowed for medical students and residents to understand the lifelong impacts and physiologic changes of parimenopause and menopause. Because I do think the statistics are really true. It's about an hour of, you know, education, which is not only just three hours sitting here asking you about, you know, a sliver of what we need to know. Exactly. The pyramid is completely upside down. So if your partner has been dismissed, if she's been told that just stress, everything looks fine. She is not alone. She is not crazy. The system is been behind. The information is out there and that's why this movement is happening. If you're saying, okay, my wife is at this age right now or somebody I work with might be dealing with this, I really want to get into the mood part because this is one of the most misunderstood and most relationship-shaking parts of menopause and parimenopause. This shift affects how she feels, how she reacts, and how she sees herself. And if you don't know what's happening, it can actually feel like everything is unraveling for no reason. And you don't even know this person anymore. I sat down with psychiatrist and neurologist from my book How to Menopause because the emotional toll of this transition can be just as intense as a physical one. And trust me, I felt it myself. For me, it started like anxiety that I couldn't name. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd feel my chest was caving in. My mind wouldn't stop racing. And then came mood swings. I'd go from zero to crying in 60 seconds for no reason over nothing. I didn't feel like myself and I didn't know how to explain it. It wasn't until I learned how deeply hormones affect the brain that everything started to make sense for me because this isn't just a body shift. It's a neurological one. To break this down further, I'm bringing in leading neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Mascone. I have learned so much from her. She is the first researcher to look at the female brain like this. So there are many different reasons that the person may have is feeling a brain fog. One of those being menopause. Now, we know that up to 62% of mid-life, peri and post-menopause women report are decline in memory attention and language performance, which can be exceptionally scary. Yes. And can range from very mild to something that you do not use in conversations. So for those women, it's really important to realize it could be just menopause, if you will. Otherwise, let's do other testing and we always recommend getting a good baseline. Because then, if things improve, great. But if things do not improve or get worse, then you have your own brain and your own body to refer to in terms of that we don't want to compare you to other people your age necessarily. We want to compare you to you a couple of years ago so that we can get a better sense of what's happening and why. Do you recommend if a woman is dealing with pretty debilitating brain fog to come and get a brain scan? That's what I would do. I can't necessarily recommend it because it's been done for research. But there are also specialised Alzheimer's prevention clinics and memory clinics that people do have access to. If your concerns are serious and if the brain fog is negatively impacting your quality of life in just your day to day, then for me, I would want to be tested. I would want to know, is this something that would just go away in a couple of years? Is there something I can take that makes me feel better? Right? Should I start thinking about long term planning? I'm a very practical person. I know. I know. You're scientists. I know. But I want to go to these and it's in one statement. Yes. And that is here. Absolutely. I think first, and foremost, and then it's everywhere else. Absolutely. It's not even the hot flashes. No, no, no. Sometimes I think women can handle many women can handle the hot flashes. The hot flashes are very debilitating and really do need clinical attention and care. But is the brain fog the worries you the most? Yes. It feels like we don't talk about it. And because I don't think that there's a real definitive answer, right? Because you just don't really know what you're dealing with. And I think it's something. It weight gain is one thing, not sleeping is one thing. But brain fog is not, if you haven't gone through it before, most of us haven't, it's very scary. It's yes. I'm told that it's really, really scary. Happened to me once after Lila was born. Oh, it's my only exam. Mommy, but mommy brain was the same, which is the same. Very similar. I'm told it's a very similar experience. Okay. So what are we looking at here? Because these are the sounds that you did. Yes. So see, here's the thing that people would say to me, whatever you see in women who are after men, opause, is just age. Because they're older than women who are premenopausal. They're like, yes, but then matching them to men of the same age. If it was just age, then the men will show the same things. They're like, no, because they're men. I was like, okay, you know what? We now have women who are exactly the same age. These women are all 50 years old. This woman has a regular menstrual cycle. This woman is premenopausal, skipping periods. And this woman is postmenopausal, just a few years after the final menstrual period. And can you describe what we're seeing in each of us? Yes. So these are brain scans done with FDG PET, which is Florida, the oxyglucose positive and emission tomography. And we're looking at brain energy levels. We're going to look at the premenopausal woman first, where you can see a lot of red. This red, at the top of the brain, to the side of the brain and here in the middle of the bottom. This is exactly what a healthy brain looks like from a metabolic perspective. You want to have a lot of red, some yellow, and just a little bit of green in the middle of the brain, which is perfectly normal. And then we have these areas in blue, which is fluid. There is fluid inside the brain. It has to be, right? It's a cushioning support mechanism. Now what happens at the premenopausal stage, if you look at these lines, they connect the three different brains. You can see, I think, how the red, especially here, is turning yellow. Everything is a little bit yellower than here. And then at the postmenopausal stage, there's the big drop where the yellow, with the red turns yellow and the yellow turns green and everything is much darker in some ways. Can you see it? So there's less energy. There is less energy. Do you see this big red blob? Yes. This is the temporal cortex, which is very close to the memory center of the brain. And you see how it's yellow here and it's completely green over there. That's a 30% drop in brain energy levels in that part of the brain. What is a drop in? And by the way, as we're looking at this, we're going to put a link to Dr. Masconey scans in the show notes. So you can take a look at her scans as well. So just be aware of that if you're listening to this and don't see it yet, we'll make sure that it's in there so you can you can share what we're looking at. Does that ever recover? What does the lack of brain energy mean? Is that where the brain fog comes? Is that where the. So we're trying to understand what this means behaviorally. And I know this is something that always comes up when we talk about brain scans. The people just assume that because something is happening in the brain that would immediately translate into something that you can see in a person's behavior or that's not always the case. This is something that happens at the tissue level. But it does correlate with memory function. So the lower your energy levels in the brain, the lower your memory attention and language capabilities within normal limits. So these changes are not in any way shape or form the sign of a deficiency. It just something that happens in the brain as part of the transition to menopause for some women at least, for some women, it could be something more serious. But we do believe that this is a sign that the brain is kind of switching gears. Because estrogen, especially estradiol, is a neuroprotective hormone that also energizes the brain. And if you will, it kind of pushes neurons to burn sugar faster. It's like estrogen is almost to the brain. What fuel is to a car with gasoline is to a car. It gives you the extra speed. And after menopause, estrogen production, estradiol production remains minimal. It doesn't completely stop from the ovaries, but levels are very, very low. And another form of estrogen is being produced, a little bit more than before. It's called estrone, which is a backup estrogen, but it's not nearly as impactful in the brain as estradiol used to be. And so there's a there's a there's a nob at all change. And so we really see, you know, for people who are listening, we see the premenopause scan with a lot of red, a lot of brain energy, perimenopause, and in between in between postmenopause, we see a lot more green, blue, but not as much red, which is a brain energy. Now, does that come back after we are in postmenopause after we've hit menopause and postmenopause because I have to say when you and I first met, which is a few years ago now, I had really debilitating brain fog to a point that I'd be very nervous. I didn't feel my confidence like it used to be because I didn't have the memorization skills that I used to have. Over the course of the past maybe six, eight months, I felt those coming back. And I and I have really felt them. And I was like, am I imagining it? Am I just wanting to feel them? But I definitely feel that my definitely feel that I don't hesitate, right? I don't hesitate when I'm speaking. I don't feel like I need cards. I mean, I was to a point where I would put notes on the top of my computer because I would be nervous that I would forget something. And so that's very nice. But is that what happens? Is there a bounce back after you've been in menopause for a little while? So you may not be surprised to hear that there isn't a lot of research done on Dr. Lisa Masconey. I'm shocked by this breaking news. Any of your partner saying things like I'm snapping at everyone. That's the big one. Or even I think I'm going crazy. She is not going crazy. Her brain is literally trying to recalibrate without the hormones that she's used to depending on. Here's the thing. This is when she needs your support the most. Not to be fixed, not to be avoided, just seen, understood, and met with care. I'm going to make you uncomfortable now. So just be prepared for it and know I said it. We're going to talk about something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, sex in midlife. And I want you to stay with me here because if your partner has started to pull away or if intimacy feels different or if she's not herself anymore, when it comes to sex, there is a real reason. This is not about her not loving you. It's most likely not about her losing interest. And it's not something that gets fixed with a weekend away or a bottle of wine. It's physical. It's hormonal. And for many of us, it's painful literally. You may not realize this, but during parimenopause and menopause, a woman's estrogen levels drop. And when they do, it doesn't just change her mood or her energy. It can change her anatomy. I'm not even being dramatic when I say this. I mean, the actual structure of her vagina can change. The tissue thins out. Things dry out. The elasticity is gone. Pleasure becomes harder to access. And in some cases, certain parts of her body can actually disappear. I know how that sounds. But when I sat down with one of the top urologists in the country, Dr. Kelly Casperson, she told me something I will never forget. Our labia menora, that's a part of your vagina fellas that can literally vanish, absorbed, gone because of hormone loss. Listen to this. Labia menora is the inner lip. So non-hair bearing genitalia. So the area with hair, that's labia, majora, on the inside before you enter the vagina, are these little hike, a hathorwood flaps, but they're pieces of tissue. That was labia menora. And they're incredibly responsive to hormones. They're there because you went through puberty and you had huge surges of testosterone and estrogen. Perimenopause, birth control, postmenopause. These hormones are blocked in the pelvis. And so the hormone responsive tissues can resort, go away atrophy, whatever horrific words you want to use. But many women will say, it takes a lot longer to get turned on, to get aroused. The clitoris has some skin that goes over it, kind of like a total neck. That can become kind of stuck to the clitoris. We call it fimosis or adhesions, making orgasm a lot more challenging. And to be fair, women are not examined. They come in to complaining of this. They're told, "Oh, everything looks normal down there." Or they're just like, "Drink a glass of wine." There are anatomic biologic things that happen when hormones leave the body. We must get an education about this because every time women freak out about their labia menora on Instagram, I'm like, "We didn't get a good sex ed." And what does the labia menora do? Number one, there's nerve endings, a rectile tissue. Incredibly responsive for arousal. That's how we feel pleasure. Also, it's protective to the inner workings of the urethra helps it prevent it from having microtroma. Maybe it helps recurrent UTIs. It's just a protective structure as well. So sexual and protective goes away. The next question is, can it come back with hormones? Probably. There's no studies on this. Do you think anybody's using the NIH is researching, like getting your labia menora back after you weren't on hormones for a while? I mean, we got something other thing to focus on. That's probably the last thing on the list right now, right? It's extra, right? We've been really do care about it. Of course. You know, that's why the people like me, the female urologist who care a lot about GSM, were like, "Why don't we just be start and vaginal estrogen at around age 50, so we don't have to play catch up once you've suffered enough?" This is real, and nobody talks about it. We're told to relax or just use some lube, but that doesn't fix what's really going on beneath the surface. And we're not making this up and we say, "No, we're not interested in sex. We're not exaggerating. There are treatments that can help, but too many women suffer in silence because they've been made to feel like this just how it goes, and they're embarrassed to talk about it. I have to be clear. Pain during sex is not normal. It's common, but it's not something we're just supposed to live with. And for many women, what helps most is something no one ever tells them about or talks about?" The vaginal estrogen. The biggest fear people have is breast cancer and our breast cancer survivors. We have new GSM guidelines that say it's safe, just let your oncology team know if you're a rare condition being actively treated with hormone blockers, still probably pretty safe. But you know, you want your team to know. But we have over, we have studies of over 55,000 breast cancer survivors looking at the safety of vaginal estrogen. This is not a, we don't have enough research. We have plenty of research. It just isn't getting out there. So, we're always saying there's not enough research. We have enough research. We have so much research. We have guidelines now. Explain what GSM is and then vaginal estrogen. And, you know, every woman can take it now. Is that what we're saying? Pretty much. There is a rare, like, I would say every woman can take it, asterix. If you're being at currently treated for breast cancer, check with your oncologist. Just let them know. Okay. You know, that you're on it. Here's the thing. I use vaginal estrogen. I talk about it on social media. I use it along with estrogen, progesterone, antistastrone. For me, that combination changed everything. But it did not happen overnight. I started to feel like myself again slowly, not just sexually, but mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm not saying everyone should run out and take hormones tomorrow, but I'm saying we deserve to know what's available. And we deserve to have doctors who aren't afraid to have that conversation. If your interrelationship with someone going through this, you deserve to know really what is going on so you can show up differently. You don't have to fix her, but understand her. So, let's talk about something I get asked about constantly testosterone. Yes, women take testosterone. Halle Berry told me on the show she takes testosterone. So keeping my lean muscle mass on is important. I started taking testosterone, which I never thought I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm not trying to grow hair on my chest. Like, you know, do you notice the difference with it? I do. Me too. I love needles. Yeah, I know. And I have more. I found it again. I found a beetle. Right. It's not good when you find this really good. It was in my April a little while. Testosterone works. But the problem is so many people think it's just the magic solution. That libido is just about boosting that one number. And everything else is going to snap back into place. It's not quite that simple. Take a listen to what Dr. Kelly Cass person has to say about it. People say this all the time on my Instagram. They'll be like, I'm on testosterone and my libido is not better. It's not a one to one. Right. libido is incredibly complex. Like, you know, you're working 80 hours. Your relationships on the rocks. You don't feel safe at home. They, you know, you've got all this stress. I testosterone level increase is not going to make you horny again. No. And so really breaking that down for people to be like, libido is complex to testosterone can help. But I mean, to tell you the truth, I have plenty of women we put on estrogen. And they're like, I am good to go. I am loving sex again. So it's just not from kind of get stereotyped. This is the libido hormone, but estrogen also is lovely. And libido at the end of the day is incredibly complex. If you take anything away from this, let it be this. libido is not just about hormones. It's about stress. It's about connection. It's about feeling safe. And yes, for some women, testosterone helps. For others, it's vaginal estrogen. For others, it's at emotional peace that matters most. But if you don't know any of this, if no one explains what's actually happening, you've just been left guessing. You take it personally. And then your relationship starts to feel like it's falling apart for no reason. And that's really why I'm doing this. Because when women understand their bodies and when their partners understand too, everything can really change. Sex doesn't have to end. It can get better. Connection doesn't have to fade. We've got to stop pretending though that this is about effort and start treating it like it's the health issue it is. Okay, if you're loving this information and following along, please, I would love to hear a review and download that men's guide to help you out. Let's talk about how you can actually help. Not by fixing anything. I'm trying to solve it all. I'm not putting that pressure on you by just being there. Paying attention, asking questions, listening. Because here's the truth that most women won't say out loud. When she feels off or overwhelmed or unlike herself, she's probably not just wondering what's wrong with her body. She's probably wondering if she's still lovable inside of it. And you don't need a medical degree to make a difference. You just need to be someone she can count on. And start with one thing. Start with her sleep. That might sound basic, but sleep is the thing that I think really holds everything together. It's that foundation. Because when hormone shift, it's usually the first thing that falls apart. I'm not exaggerating. When I was in the thick of parimenopause, I would wake up at like two or three o'clock in the morning, wired, anxious, drenched in sweat. I didn't know how sick. I had a fever. What was going on? No matter how tired I was, my body would not let me rest. When you're not sleeping, everything feels worse. You're mood, your memory, certainly. Your patience and your ability to cope. So if you want to help, start there. Help her protect her sleep. Maybe turn the lights down earlier. Maybe keep the bedroom calm. Helper creates some kind of routine that gives her a shot at real rest. Do it with her. And to explain why that matter so much, I spoke with Dr. Shelby Harris. She's a clinical psychologist who's worked with thousands of women on sleep during parimenopause and menopause. What are three small changes people can make today to start improving their sleep? So the first thing I always say is to really consider consistency with your sleep wake timing. So same bedtime, same wake time. So really trying to stay there will be helpful for a lot of people. The second I would say is really thinking about the compensating during the daytime. So are you someone that's trying to either exercise a lot, do a lot of things to put a lot of effort into trying to force sleep to happen at night? So maybe do a little bit of an audit of how much are you really trying to think about sleep because it's that effort that's part of the problem. Should you be thinking about it? I mean, you're not going to take about a little bit, but not too much. If you become really rigid with your sleep routine at night, that's probably a problem. Yeah. And then the third thing I would say is if you're because a lot of people are doing all the sleep hygiene things right. They're limiting the alcohol, the caffeine, they've heard about it. If that's not working after two weeks, then I would say 100% go get an evaluation for sleep apnea or insomnia or something and there's better treatments out there. She nailed it. So you're probably wondering what else can I do? Okay, here's what else you can do when she's fighting with you over the thermostat. Put something on, put an extra layer on because I promise you that's going to happen. But just be understanding about it. Let's make this simple. Start by asking her what she's feeling, not just physically, but emotionally. Not in a, what's wrong with you? Kind of way. But in a, how can I show up better for you? Kind of way. Here are a few ways in. Hey, honey. Is there anything you've been dealing with that I haven't noticed? Or I saw in this video this girl and it made me realize I have no idea what this stage is really like. Can we talk about it? Or is there something I could be doing that would make you feel more supported right now? Or you could say something like, Hey, I got you a gift. I got you this book. I heard about it. How to menopause. And I don't know. I was looking through it and maybe this can help both of us. If she's not sure how to answer though, that's okay too. Just letting her know you're open to the conversation already means more than you think. Then educate yourself. Don't wait for her to hand you a manual. We've already made one for you. You can get the book how to menopause. Watch the emfactor with her. I mean, have a date night or something with it. It breaks down all of this to real women stories. And you can of course download the men's guide to menopause. It's linked below and covers the key things you need to know printed highlighted. Stick it on your refrigerator. And if you want to keep learning, I've got more for you every week on this podcast, The Tams and Show. I sit down with doctors with researchers with real women to talk about menopause hormones, relationships, midlife, brain fog, sex sleep, all of it. And trust me, we have a few episodes in there for you too. If this conversation though helped you understand what she's going through, there are a few episodes I really want you to watch next. I interviewed one of the leading experts on menopausal hormone therapy, Dr. Sharon Malone, about what the options are, who it's for and how to have that conversation if she's considering it. I sat down with Dr. Heather Hirsch to break down everything about parimenopause, about what doctors do and don't know. When parimenopause starts, what it looks like, and why it's so often misunderstood. And I spoke with world-renowned neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Moscone about how menopause impacts the brain from memory to mood to focus. If you're trying to help your partner find a doctor because she's been dismissed by doctors, we have all of that information in the show notes for you that can help you out because I know it's not easy. Whether you're trying to look for a doctor who's in person in your area or you're trying to look for a good telehealth company, I have my personal recommendations in the description. You can watch all those videos right here on my channel or listen to the tabs and show wherever you get your podcasts. And if you want to keep learning, keep growing, keep showing up for the women in your life, make sure you hit subscribe. I promise you're going to come away from every video knowing something you didn't before because when women go through this, they're not just looking for answers, they're looking for someone to walk through it with them. So many women have told me, I just want to feel like I'm not doing this alone. That's it. That's the assignment. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to say all the right things, but you do need to be present and curious and willing to learn. And the fact that you're still here with me right now, still listening, tells me that you are. So thank you so much for being here and I can't wait to see you in the next video. [BLANK_AUDIO]